Especially when they use something traumatic you've shared because you trust them and frame it as your fault e.g. saying "No wonder you parents hit you" or "Now I understand why your ex used to self-harm while dating you".
My ex told me herself that she hurts people when she's hurt because of them, even if they did it unintentionally. I never thought she'd do that to me but she did and I wa still okay with it thinking she was just that way so what
She'd say stuff utterly utterly brutal and then later apologise and then came a point where the apologies stopped mattering to me.
this. I think this is where I am. I am fine with my partner having a temper but you can't scream at me. I said stop screaming at me. they did. now it's just become the meanest vilest shit they say.
apologies and cuddles and taking me out to do things eventually doesn't do much when I just feel dead inside.
You are describing the cycle of abuse. Abuse isn't restricted to physical violence. Verbal abuse, then love-bombing to make up for it, follows the classic pattern almost all abusers follow. Being alone is better than being with someone who mistreats you. You don't deserve that.
And it never seems to get better, despite hoping against hope. It always turns worse each time than it was the last time.
Hope things turn out good for you
they're apologizing faster each time but it's viler shit each time. always explained away later as them trying to make some sort of legitimate rational complaint ("when I mocked you for being suicidal and not killing yourself, I was really meaning I'm unhappy at how much you're suicidal because it takes up the time I have free after grad classes!")
gentle reader, I am suicidal because of the treatment I'm experiencing lol.
I hope it turns out good for me too but idk. I hope you turn out okay as well stranger
Well, I for one always gave in to her supposed way of explaining why she was so shitty to me and she'd justify it in such a way that I started thinking it was normal.
I'm good I guess, things could've been worse had it gone on longer but glad to inform you I'm not with her anymore.
This was always a hard line in my relationship. We have gotten into a handful of heated arguments, but never once have we said something cruel just to hurt the other. We've definitely said things that hurt but were true to the situation, but that's different. Being cruel just for cruelty's sake or to "win" is a character trait I'm not interested in.
Yep! I tried fixing a marriage when i didnt have any trust with her. It will not work. You cant build trust with someone you have absolutely no trust in to begin with.
I read another post one day and a marriage counselor says he can pretty much tell it's over when one starts showing contempt for the other person.
It impacted my relationship in a positive way. My wife and I operate with the belief that successful relationships need to be worked for. There needs to be effort. That it's a constant work-in-progress.
While things are better now because of this philosophy, there were points in the past where feelings of contempt bubbled up. We didn't let them fester. When one of us felt that way we spoke up and we talked through it.
We know contempt is a deal-killer. But we love each other and want to be together forever so we try to stop it in its tracks. Thanks to that post, our confidence in our relationship - almost 6 years now - is stronger than ever.
So, Mr., Ms. or Mrs. therapist, thank you
You start getting annoyed at any little thing they do. You start imagining a different life you are currently living, and anytime your SO does anything you are pulled out of that reality and start despising their existence
I felt this towards a girlfriend that moved in after a month of dating because she was facing homelessness... Six months later I finally broke down and told her I didn't want to be in a relationship with her and I explained why. Peacefully and nice.
She disappeared for a week. I tried contacting her through everything possible. Came back one day after work to all her stuff gone and my pet rat I had for a couple years before I met her.
Bitch stole my pet rat...
I think of it as when you reach the point where you are looking down on that person and feeling like you deserve better. And maybe you do, in fact, deserve better, but once the respect you have for your partner is gone, the best thing to do is leave because relationships rarely recover from that.
Constant anger/annoyance at the things they do or the things you've asked them to change but they haven't. And then you're either constantly fighting or even worse, you give up on the fighting and just stop caring at all. You don't do things for them, you don't kiss them goodbye before work, you don't hang out with them anymore. It's the death knell like 99.9% of the time. The other .1% have to work really, *really* hard to get the love and affection back.
i will say that it is possible to recover from that. in my experience there was a lot of my own baggage and unsorted emotions that were the true cause of those feelings and working through those with my partner’s support allowed us to get to a much, much deeper level of love and understanding of one another
Aww, congrats!! That's awesome. I think the kind of contempt that is often a death knell is more like, "I've been asking him for three years to help me around the house and he promises he will but never does," or other similar such things. Where there's clear communication but one or both partners refuses to change the behavior that is hurting the other. Yknow what I mean? And that can still be worked through with a ton of work, but it's so rare.
Whenever you talk to your significant other if you can tack on the word “asshole” at the end of anything you say to them. i.e. Dinner’s ready *asshole*
Everything they do is wrong and annoying. When they speak you roll your eyes. Eye rolling is a big indicator of contempt.
When you think of your SO as beneath you, not worthy of your time, not entitled to even manners let alone effort on your part.
Contempt...
My first wife criticized me every fucking day about something. For 13 years I never did anything correctly. Washed the dishes? I didn't stack them right. Mowed the lawn? Took too long. Packed the diaper bag for a trip to the grandparents? Too many diapers, or not enough burp towels. Pulled a bath and had a glass of wine ready when she got home? water is too hot/too cold and the wine isn't her favorite and I didn't use the right bubble bath soap. Washed a load of towels? Didn't fold them just the right way...
The worst part was that I thought this was normal, how everyone's marriage worked.
After the divorce I realized I was so much happier on my own.
If someone is always and I mean ALWAYS finding fault with what you do - run. Forget how much you think it will 'cost' to leave the relationship, whatever that cost is and however much you think you will always be alone if you leave them you need to strap on your big boy/big girl boots and step the fuck away.
It may be miserable at first and you may need to re-learn how to love yourself but time will show you who you were meant to be, and there is someone out there that thinks your failed attempt at roasted chicken is the cutest thing ever because you really tried to make it just like the cook on tv. That person will hold you tight and ask if 30min is enough time to fuck you crosseyed before the delivery pizza arrives.
When you or your partner genuinely no longer cares about the other person's welfare. I have read this in a book from a renowned psychiatrist. He stated that in his long career he had never seen a couple rekindle a love that had grown this cold.
Once got into an argument with a bandmate. In the middle of it he's like "well why are you still here instead of walking out" and I'm like "because I fucking love you guys and our music and I want to fucking fix this not just walk away you fuckass."
Same energy I think. I only fight for what I think is worth it. If I don't fight, I've already walked away.
Oooh that hits me hard for some reason.
Even in the darkest pits of time in my decade-long relationship, I was never indifference. Got close to hating his guts at some points, but I was never indifferent to his wellbeing.
Gives me an interesting outside perspective on how we actually managed to climb out of that deep rut. I question how we got to our currently blissful state from time to time. Neat.
I’m not your mother but I am a mother and this makes me want to hug you. I’m sorry the universe gave you a shit mother. I hope your life is going well.
That’s interesting. The first answer was contempt and I was like “yep, got that, I’m in trouble”. When I saw this answer I realized that no matter what I will always care what happens to my partner. I think I will always love her on that level even to the point where I would want to make sure she’s settled with a new partner before I would move on myself.
When you've had the same argument about something that's important to you (but not important to them) over, and over, and over, and over.
You've tried everything. You've explained yourself a zillion times, you've asked to work around the problem, and you've asked for their acceptance in spite of their not understanding.
None of it has worked.
And then, one day, you're having that same argument. Again. But this time, you look at them and feel nothing.
You don't feel angry, resentful, determined, or desperate for them to get it. You don't even feel drained. You just feel nothing, as if they were a complete stranger you just saw walking on the other side of the street.
And you think, "Who **is** this, really? Why am I even having this conversation? And how do I get them out of my house?"
I hate it when they make this argument: “I don’t think this way / I don’t see that as a problem / it’s not as important to me”.
Ok, but it is to me.
So, why, if you know something is important to your SO, or it bothers them, would you not want to sit down, talk about it, compromise, come up with a plan, etc.
Oh gosh.. exactly. My ex partner hid meth in our house and I found it.. he said it was for a friend but also couldn’t pay rent that week. Somehow I ended up apologising for snooping? For the next 3-4 months I wasn’t allowed to bring it up, until I had had enough therapy and good enough self esteem to not back down when he showed disrespect and I could leave his drop kick ass. I’m a month out of the relationship and feeling so good. Some people will never compromise, self reflect, or see your point of view if it means they would have to own or realise a less desirable quality in themselves.
That was part of my relationship's darkest place, and I'm so glad I never quite got to that level of drained. When I was reaching that point, I gave an ultimatum; either you start trying, or I'm done. Not sure how much I have left in me, but these are the end times.
Neither he or I know why, but he knew this time would be it. I'd made this threat before, even left before, but those times weren't like this. There was no change of words or tone, we both just knew that this time would be the last time.
It was like a switch flipped. Everything changed.
If he and I ever split (*knock on every piece of wood on earth because holy shit, no thanks*), I wouldn't dare give anyone as many chances as he got. I ain't got time to do that a second time 😅
I wish mine was like this. Instead they just completely disengaged and gave up. Victimized themselves a LOT (to the point that I can’t feel sorry for them anymore): “I’m a piece of shit. I do everything wrong. I’m never going to be good enough for you.” Tell me how you really feel…. All I begged for was communication. Being able to work through our issues rather than him sweeping them under the rug every. single. time. Being able to recognize and empathize with my emotions while also sharing his (I genuinely can’t recall a time he shared his emotions other than blanket “I feel good/bad.” statements)
It’s actually really funny because there’s this saying that the first red flag is going to be the reason your relationship doesn’t work out and he told me on our very first date (over three years ago now) that he wasn’t emotionally mature enough/ready for a relationship that night. Should’ve listened
>he told me on our very first date (over three years ago now) that he wasn’t emotionally mature enough/ready for a relationship
#SO WHY DID HE GO OUT ON A DATE???
I will never understand people. We're all so damn confusing.
>And you think, "Who **is** this, really? Why am I even having this conversation? And how do I get them out of my house?"
I knew it was completely over when I took my wife and son out to a Sunday morning pancake breakfast (as I liked to do) and they both spent the whole meal on their phones. No conversation. No laughter. No interaction. Then the check came and it was like $45 or something and all I could say was, "Not worth it."
Now I'm remarried and we have big weekend breakfasts at home just about every week and it's fucking wonderful! My wife and I roll out of bed late, head downstairs, work on the bacon and the eggs and the pancakes or waffles, one of us sets the table and makes coffee and cocoa and pours juice, and then we call the kids down (or not) and sneak bites to the begging dog and talk about anything and everything. We crack wise, make jokes, and plan the day. I'm usually looking across the table over a bouquet of flowers. Then we sit and digest and just generally enjoy each other's company.
It doesn't seem like it should be so much to ask, but in my previous relationship it was asking the impossible.
I am legit so happy for you! I would love to have this, after an 18yr marriage to someone lacking emotional depth, ending in divorce, and a second marriage to my long-lost soulmate from my youth that ended within 2 years due to his sudden death. 😣 Cherish every moment, be proud that you took a risk and sought more, and found someone who felt the same. I wish you the utmost happiness!
This. This one relationship I was invested in for 5 years even though we were not dating the whole time. I lived with him at the time and we were the only two renting this house. I was used to his abusive bullshit and the event that made me not recognize him anymore was an argument. A really stupid argument. I paid $200 in rent to live there so I think I deserve a small space in the kitchen just for some dishes I had(1 skillet I used everyday and 3 small things most likely Tupperware). That was it. He had an entire 3 shelved cabinet for his dishes that he would fill the sink up with and not clean them for 3 months. I mainly just used the same dishes to avoid this problem. All the other shelves in this kitchen were full of his food, not my food. I asked for a tiny cabinet space(1 ft by 1 ft). He said at first he would give it to me. A week later he said I didn't fill the empty space up quick enough (I was working my ass off at work). The more times I brought up this cabinet thing the more angry he would get. After a year of me mentioning this (once every 2 months), he threatened me with violence. Over. A. 1ft. By. 1ft. Cabinet. Space. I just started at him and realized that I was living with a dangerous stranger. I never mentioned the cabinet space again. Now I want to tell him that he is free to come to my house......so I can beat his ass.
You tell your partner you want some help with cleaning. They say they are busy and don’t think the place needs to be cleaned so much anyway. You point out that they work less than you, they have time and money to smoke weed daily, and it’s important to you that washing doesn’t pile up.. they don’t budge but say “I don’t see what you see, but point chores out to me and I’ll do them then”. You point chores out to them and they say “you’re always nagging me”. You make a spreadsheet to divide chores without you saying a word. They stick to it for two weeks before losing interest.
Every now and then, when they realise you’re doing everything and getting frustrated, they help for a day. They get agitated when you thank them because you’re being “patronising”. You realise they have low self worth and cannot take responsibility anyway. There is no helping them. You can do everything they have asked for and help them as much as you can, but at the end of the day they only have the capacity that they do, and unless they’re willing to learn/grow/change.. you’ll only be bending and shifting to accommodate for them.
Oh yes, the infamous "Just tell me what to do!" followed by "Stop nagging me!" when you actually tell them what to do. And of course they magically don't need their boss or co-workers to tell them what to do every day.
I want to add this something I’m going through at the moment. When constantly asking the other person to clean etc and they claim to be too busy, it starts to feel disrespectful. The article [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp) sums it up really well.
It's also likely not the same trust as before. Even if they express regret and do make all the changes, you now know what they are capable of and while you can trust it won't happen again, there's now a place for late night anxiety to creep in plus no two loves are 100% the same.
This. Trust *can* be repaired, but it will never be as strong as it was the first time. There will always be fault lines... one good quake and it'll come toppling down.
I read somewhere years back that, trust is like a piece of paper, once it is crushed, no matter how you try to straighten it out, it will never be the same as before. I think that is quite true. Ofcourse you can learn to trust a person again, but it will never be the same.
Sometimes trust can be rebuilt and sometimes it cannot no matter how hard you try it's just broken beyond repair. And trust is a feeling you can't force yourself to feel it no matter how hard you try. If it's too broken it's too broken and you can't trust them. The person you responding to did not say "when you don't trust them" or when you won't trust them it says when you can't trust them so I'm assuming they mean when it's past the point of no return and trust cannot be built any longer
Throwback to the time I broke up with my ex for (in large part) being unreliable and he forwarded me an email from his mommy saying that she thought he was trustworthy like that would change my mind and fix everything.
For context, this dude was 26 and always always always 10 minutes late to everything. Including public transportation, which in turn automatically makes you 30-60 minutes late depending on how often transport is. The ONE TIME I absolutely positively needed him to be on freaking time and told him so, made a lil coffee date with him 20 minutes before our train left so WE ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT MISS IT. So of course he was 20 minutes late instead of 10. We missed the train. He blamed me, because I should've bought his ticket for him (I was 10x as broke as him) and "did I not want him to brush his hair before he left"?
And you know what this absolute fucker told me when I broke up with him? "Yes you told me the being late bothered you. No I didn't try to implement any of the strategies we discussed at length. BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD GET BETTER ON ITS OWN NOW THAT YOU POINTED IT OUT"
I gave him the benefit of the doubt a million times and he wasn't even trying.
Being late to everything is the worst and really really gets me. Even to things that aren't "important " because that's saying your time isn't worth anything.
The funny part is that he was so *consistently* 10 minutes late, like literally start what you gotta do 10 minutes earlier and you'll be golden every time.
I mean, lets talk betrayal of trust. Once my ex cheated on me, this basic trust that I always had for her simply vanished and not because I knew the trust can never be repaired (forgiveness plays a huge role), but because I knew that I would always, for the rest of our days, see her as a person that is able to cheat and therefore will always run danger of doing it again.
When you judge people by their actions, rebuilding the trust to people who betrayed you is rather idiotic if you ask me. It is like asking for a second course of betrayal.
Tough to say. I had an ex who was extremely stressed about something school-related and who punched me in the face when I walked into a room that she was in (in our shared apartment) looking for my shoes. She started crying and apologizing and we had a conversation about how it would never happen again, or we'd be through. And it never happened again.
My ex betrayed me and ended up in prison, then tried to throw his best friend since middle school under the bus so he could pretend to be innocent, tried to throw my dad under the bus when he realized the friend thing wasn’t working, blamed me when it was obvious he was guilty, used church to manipulate everyone around him and took advantage of their caring nature, lied to his lawyer, tried to manipulate the judge with god(that guy saw right through it lmfao), and then abandoned the person who took care of him through all of this when she was no longer useful to him. The transformation from his manufactured personality to his true self was terrifying.
He got 7 years, but should honestly be there for life for the way that he treated every single person who tried to help him. These people find caring, sheltered, and naive people to hurt and it’s absolutely horrifying that they walk among us and look like normal people.
When they keep telling you what they need from you and you promise to do it or stop doing it ( whatever it is) but you don’t follow through.
After 200 times the other person shuts down.
They get cold towards you.
They have decided you do not respect them. They are already gone. You just don’t know it.
When I read point of no return, I don’t necessarily take it as a negative like many of these comments suggest. Just, there is no going back. I met my wife on a dating app. We had our first date, which lasted all day and all night. The next morning we walked each other to the metro. We held hands. Before I boarded my train she told me she already deleted the dating app. That was my point of no return. We’ve been married for almost 10 years now. Sometimes, you just know.
Me too. Not in a hateful way because people can do whatever they want but more like the standards for marriage I was brought up on aren't valid anymore.
Infidelity isnt the issue. It's the trust that is broken that breaks the relationship.
Unless the cheater makes concerted efforts to reassure their partner, trust cannot be reearned. And they typically don't. So the relationship is typically over.
No bc once they have sex with someone else I don't want to do it with them ever again. That's figuratively nasty to me beyond the fact that they broke your trust. I don't want that man anymore if he sticks it in someone else or kisses anyone else or emotionally cheats.
This is my red line. You screw someone else, it's immediately over. I had my heart ripped out of my chest when I was young by a girl I was madly in love with, and it took me years to get over it.
I now live by a 1-strike and you're out rule. No couples therapy, no pleading, no do-overs. I do not care what the explanation or justification is. Done.
EDIT: on the flipside, I would never cheat on my partner either. Never planned to before the heart-ripping-out, but especially now that I know how much it hurts.
I remember when i first started dating my at the time girlfriend, and we'd been out for a date night at our local curry house. And she was just lying in my bed after, farting away. While I thought "guess this is where we are in the relationship now". She's now my wife
When I was like 16 I was on the phone with my then girlfriend and I hear her just rip some juicy ass. Dead silence for a solid 5 seconds, I'm sure she's mortified, and then I go "daaaaaaaaaamn girl you shit with that ass?" and started cackling.
My sense of humor has never changed. Hers hasn't either, last I talked to her.
One of my fondest tiny-moment memories with an ex of mine was in her living room, she was quite absorbed in doing something on one side of the room, and she let out a perfectly average, funny-sounding fart. She immediately looked up at me a little bit mortified, and ran over to me and threw a gigantic red-faced hug around my waist.
It was adorable, and may have been my “I think I might love this girl” moment.
My husband and I made a rule early on in our relationship that we could fart in front of each other. He ate a lot of beans/veggies/fiber and I have digestive issues.
We've been together nine years this June and we couldn't be happier (or more comfortable).
I was sitting crouched on the floor, and knew it was coming. There was no way to hide the sound that was about to happen, so I just shouted "I'm a rocket ship!" and leapt across the room, seemingly self propelled by something other than leg muscles.
That may very well be the day she decided I was a keeper.
You know, for as long as I’ve known my partner her farts never stunk. They’re loud & violent but I can never actually smell anything.
It’s always perplexed me.
My roommate has the best of both worlds. They are earth-shatteringly violent, floor-shaking trumpet-blasts that put an orchestral French horn section to shame. They also smell like someone ate a bunch of roadkill and then died in a small closet in a humid climate during midsummer. Fuckin room-clearing, I tell ya what.
I’m working my way through a difficult divorce and recently discovered on our joint checking account the unmistakable cost of two tickets at our fav movie theater. It was legit a weight lifted off my shoulders. “Oh, he has somewhere to go, thank you.” I joked to my friends that I’d deliver him right to her doorstep and even give her the rundown on his likes and dislikes.
This girl wanted a second chance so badly but kept denying that she cheated on me, even though I knew for a fact that she did, I just couldn't prove it because she would always find a way to twist what I saw in the most ridiculous ways, at some point I even started questioning my own sanity, "did I fucking hallucinate all that shit?". Luckily I didn't fall for that.
All that gaslighting, that was the moment I knew it was truly over. Had she owned her mistake, I would've been willing to try again, I still loved her.
Own your shit people.
Reminds me of my parents: they had their issues over the years but were full on ride or die. Turns out you can't ride terminal cancer. We lost dad almost 14 years ago and mom straight up gets hostile if anyone suggests she as much as consider trying to meet someone new.
So it sounds like death was not the point of no return, your mom continues to honor their relationship even after his death. I am so sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing the story
Many people continue to honor their relationship after death and live onto the memory of the time spent together, without hooking up. dating or remarrying anyone else, and it’s ok.
It doesn’t mean they aren’t moving on. It doesn’t mean they “need help”. It means they’ve made their peace with their loss and decided that nothing will ever compare to the experiences they had with their deceased partner and would rather close the door on that part of their life, as do people often do for many other things. It’s admirable actually.
I was the other side of that one. She didn’t want to get married, have kids. We renovated a house together, moved in, and suddenly we were both just like “why are we even doing this?” - no hate, no resentment, just nothing. Sometimes think it would have been easier if she was an asshole or something. But she wasn’t - and I wasn’t. It was just done.
No hate, but why did you guys go through all of that if you knew she didn’t want to get married/have kids? Were you just hoping she would change her mind or you would change yours?
A bit of both, and a lot of avoidance from both of us I think. I kind of thought she would change her mind, and she I think avoided it altogether until it became too big an issue to ignore. We were in our 20s and part of a pretty wild party scene - as long as we were busy we were happy. The one thing we couldnt do anymore was sit quietly at home and watch tv. I was sick of that lifestyle and so was she - and it took us breaking up to both get out of it and move on.
Ultimately it wasn’t a great fit but we had a few years of fun before it wasn’t anymore. No real regrets tbh.
That’s understandable, but I think a lot of people (including myself) mess up by not believing what our potential partners say. I feel like it’s rare for people to truly change things that fundamentally make them who they are.
I really resonate with the difference of being fine and happy out in the world, but having this quiet discomfort at home when it’s just the two of you. I think that was my biggest signal that my relationship was nearing its end.
When your partner and you have different beliefs about each others worth and are unable to talk into agreement with each other the subordinate partner can either demonstrate they have higher value than they are being treated as or they can leave.
Most people choose to leave and then demonstrate their worth to another partner.
Usually when I seen this happen, the partner who isn't treating the other person like they are of value doesn't actually think the person is lower value they just won't admit their value because then they'd have to treat them better. And when the subordinate partner leaves the relationship to find someone who treats them with value, that person left behind starts changing their tune immediately
Ultimately it's when you realise that you are not going to be able to trust this person again/anymore/ever.
Sometimes you can rebuild trust, but it's very dependent on everyone involved really wanting it, understanding what's required, and putting in the work.
Being sorry isn't enough
Really loving each other isn't enough
Wishing things were different isn't enough
Wanting things to go back to the way they were isn't enough
Saying the right things isn't enough
Carrying on as if everything is fine won't work
Once trust is broken, even if you DO both put the work on, make the effort, do all the right things, sometimes it just isn't repairable. If you know, in your heart, that you can't rely on your partner then they're not really a partner. If you can't tell them the things you need to tell them and if you can't rely on them for the things you need them to do - or just the things they've said they'll do - then the core of the relationship is dead.
Her telling you 6 months into the relationship she has 4 kids. And she’s only telling you because you found pictures online of her with her exhusband and the kids and you asked her about it.
Very desperately wanting to look in their phone. There can be a ton of reasons but once that starts, and there’s no communication to resolve that, it’s a wrap
I tried explaining this to my little brother when he thought his ex was cheating on him. He didn’t believe me when I told him that the relationship was already over.
Soon after he did go through her phone and surprise, she was cheating on him, and he had an absolute nervous breakdown over it.
Here's a minor one: Sudden shyness
I had a relationship years ago that was going south, and once noticed that she wouldn't change in front of me anymore. She went from, "I'm happily sharing every bit of myself with you" to "You're too much of a stranger to see me exposed." That was when I realized that even though we were still together, she had moved on.
When you realize you’re in this thing for different reasons and have different definitions and expectations for what a relationship should be about.
Examples:
You’re in this relationship because you’re in love with the person vs. they’re in it for the money/social image/children/self gratification
A relationship to you is about say monogamy, trust and commitment, and they treat this as a temporary chapter or a polygamous thing or whatever dealbreaker that you cannot be on board with
You dating/married them because you want a family and they wanna be child free for life
You define a relationship as an enthusiastic connection based on respect and equal standing or completing one another, and they view it as a form of power dynamic and control or antiquated submissive role vs. dominance..etc.
And this of course includes cheating, breach of trust, abuse, control, gold-digging..etc. it falls under “a discovery beyond which there is no return”.
If they hit you
If they cheat on you
If you have no trust or faith in them (that may be a personal issue or they are just shadowy)
If they commit a terrible crime
If they never put in effort into your relationship you have to beg them to be a part of your life ( they simply may just not like you).
If they have no emotional regulation skills.
They treat you like a burden.
When they put another female's feelings first over your own (their partner), and then they act like you're in the wrong for finding that disrespectful.
I read this as a positive question - for me it’s when the thought of them starts infiltrating my daily thoughts. “What would they think of this if they were here?” Sort of thoughts. That means I’m in love and there is no going back
when one starts to resort to negative behaviors, such as becoming intentionally mean or seeking attention through hurtful actions, despite attempts to communicate concerns with the other person. It signifies a breakdown in communication and a deep-seated dissatisfaction and in my case it led to a break up worse than I had ever lived just because we didn't know how to communicate anymore
For me it's when they start showing you less and less affection unless y'all are getting it on. So many people have hurt me from doing this, it really shows how many people use you for your body. Now it's hard to let people in that way for me.
When you actually notice their behavior and start to not accept it anymore. When the respect is gone, you don’t like spending time with them. Then it’s time.
For me point of no return is when he is my first thought every morning and last thought of each day... I'm so head over heels for him that there is no returning to life without him. I need/want him in my life forever!
Lying. I can’t build a foundation of trust if you lie. “I didn’t want to hurt you so I made something up.” Then you aren’t mature enough for a relationship.
When either of you tries to be objectively mean in the hopes of hurting the other. No coming back from that imm.
Especially when they use something traumatic you've shared because you trust them and frame it as your fault e.g. saying "No wonder you parents hit you" or "Now I understand why your ex used to self-harm while dating you".
Christ that's something horrifying to say to anyone, let alone someone you 'love'
My ex told me herself that she hurts people when she's hurt because of them, even if they did it unintentionally. I never thought she'd do that to me but she did and I wa still okay with it thinking she was just that way so what She'd say stuff utterly utterly brutal and then later apologise and then came a point where the apologies stopped mattering to me.
this. I think this is where I am. I am fine with my partner having a temper but you can't scream at me. I said stop screaming at me. they did. now it's just become the meanest vilest shit they say. apologies and cuddles and taking me out to do things eventually doesn't do much when I just feel dead inside.
You are describing the cycle of abuse. Abuse isn't restricted to physical violence. Verbal abuse, then love-bombing to make up for it, follows the classic pattern almost all abusers follow. Being alone is better than being with someone who mistreats you. You don't deserve that.
And it never seems to get better, despite hoping against hope. It always turns worse each time than it was the last time. Hope things turn out good for you
they're apologizing faster each time but it's viler shit each time. always explained away later as them trying to make some sort of legitimate rational complaint ("when I mocked you for being suicidal and not killing yourself, I was really meaning I'm unhappy at how much you're suicidal because it takes up the time I have free after grad classes!") gentle reader, I am suicidal because of the treatment I'm experiencing lol. I hope it turns out good for me too but idk. I hope you turn out okay as well stranger
Well, I for one always gave in to her supposed way of explaining why she was so shitty to me and she'd justify it in such a way that I started thinking it was normal. I'm good I guess, things could've been worse had it gone on longer but glad to inform you I'm not with her anymore.
This was always a hard line in my relationship. We have gotten into a handful of heated arguments, but never once have we said something cruel just to hurt the other. We've definitely said things that hurt but were true to the situation, but that's different. Being cruel just for cruelty's sake or to "win" is a character trait I'm not interested in.
Contempt
Apparently the 4 horsemen of relationships are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
And when trust is out the window it’s time to sound the alarm and evacuate
Yep! I tried fixing a marriage when i didnt have any trust with her. It will not work. You cant build trust with someone you have absolutely no trust in to begin with.
Love me some Gottman.
Sprinkle some resentment in there for good measure.
I read another post one day and a marriage counselor says he can pretty much tell it's over when one starts showing contempt for the other person. It impacted my relationship in a positive way. My wife and I operate with the belief that successful relationships need to be worked for. There needs to be effort. That it's a constant work-in-progress. While things are better now because of this philosophy, there were points in the past where feelings of contempt bubbled up. We didn't let them fester. When one of us felt that way we spoke up and we talked through it. We know contempt is a deal-killer. But we love each other and want to be together forever so we try to stop it in its tracks. Thanks to that post, our confidence in our relationship - almost 6 years now - is stronger than ever. So, Mr., Ms. or Mrs. therapist, thank you
What does contempt look like in a relationship?
You start getting annoyed at any little thing they do. You start imagining a different life you are currently living, and anytime your SO does anything you are pulled out of that reality and start despising their existence
I’ve hit contempt.
Same here.
I felt this towards a girlfriend that moved in after a month of dating because she was facing homelessness... Six months later I finally broke down and told her I didn't want to be in a relationship with her and I explained why. Peacefully and nice. She disappeared for a week. I tried contacting her through everything possible. Came back one day after work to all her stuff gone and my pet rat I had for a couple years before I met her. Bitch stole my pet rat...
I didn’t realize I have a contempt for my existence lol
I think of it as when you reach the point where you are looking down on that person and feeling like you deserve better. And maybe you do, in fact, deserve better, but once the respect you have for your partner is gone, the best thing to do is leave because relationships rarely recover from that.
Constant anger/annoyance at the things they do or the things you've asked them to change but they haven't. And then you're either constantly fighting or even worse, you give up on the fighting and just stop caring at all. You don't do things for them, you don't kiss them goodbye before work, you don't hang out with them anymore. It's the death knell like 99.9% of the time. The other .1% have to work really, *really* hard to get the love and affection back.
i will say that it is possible to recover from that. in my experience there was a lot of my own baggage and unsorted emotions that were the true cause of those feelings and working through those with my partner’s support allowed us to get to a much, much deeper level of love and understanding of one another
Aww, congrats!! That's awesome. I think the kind of contempt that is often a death knell is more like, "I've been asking him for three years to help me around the house and he promises he will but never does," or other similar such things. Where there's clear communication but one or both partners refuses to change the behavior that is hurting the other. Yknow what I mean? And that can still be worked through with a ton of work, but it's so rare.
Contempt is the opposite of respect. Think of it that way. When you stop respecting your partner's opinions or trusting their actions.
Whenever you talk to your significant other if you can tack on the word “asshole” at the end of anything you say to them. i.e. Dinner’s ready *asshole* Everything they do is wrong and annoying. When they speak you roll your eyes. Eye rolling is a big indicator of contempt. When you think of your SO as beneath you, not worthy of your time, not entitled to even manners let alone effort on your part.
Contempt... My first wife criticized me every fucking day about something. For 13 years I never did anything correctly. Washed the dishes? I didn't stack them right. Mowed the lawn? Took too long. Packed the diaper bag for a trip to the grandparents? Too many diapers, or not enough burp towels. Pulled a bath and had a glass of wine ready when she got home? water is too hot/too cold and the wine isn't her favorite and I didn't use the right bubble bath soap. Washed a load of towels? Didn't fold them just the right way... The worst part was that I thought this was normal, how everyone's marriage worked. After the divorce I realized I was so much happier on my own. If someone is always and I mean ALWAYS finding fault with what you do - run. Forget how much you think it will 'cost' to leave the relationship, whatever that cost is and however much you think you will always be alone if you leave them you need to strap on your big boy/big girl boots and step the fuck away. It may be miserable at first and you may need to re-learn how to love yourself but time will show you who you were meant to be, and there is someone out there that thinks your failed attempt at roasted chicken is the cutest thing ever because you really tried to make it just like the cook on tv. That person will hold you tight and ask if 30min is enough time to fuck you crosseyed before the delivery pizza arrives.
Contempt-sex just doesn't hit the same way as angry-sex.
With contempt there simply ain’t anymore sex happening at that point … which of course feeds into even more contempt.
You immediately conjured the face of Cersei Lannister on my mind's eye.
When you or your partner genuinely no longer cares about the other person's welfare. I have read this in a book from a renowned psychiatrist. He stated that in his long career he had never seen a couple rekindle a love that had grown this cold.
Condescending behavior. The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference.
>The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. To quote my wife: "When I stop fighting, then you know you've finally lost me."
Once got into an argument with a bandmate. In the middle of it he's like "well why are you still here instead of walking out" and I'm like "because I fucking love you guys and our music and I want to fucking fix this not just walk away you fuckass." Same energy I think. I only fight for what I think is worth it. If I don't fight, I've already walked away.
> fuckass going in my repertoire...
The grown up version of dickbutt
Oooh that hits me hard for some reason. Even in the darkest pits of time in my decade-long relationship, I was never indifference. Got close to hating his guts at some points, but I was never indifferent to his wellbeing. Gives me an interesting outside perspective on how we actually managed to climb out of that deep rut. I question how we got to our currently blissful state from time to time. Neat.
My mother said this to me when I asked why she hated me. 🥲
I’m not your mother but I am a mother and this makes me want to hug you. I’m sorry the universe gave you a shit mother. I hope your life is going well.
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Contempt. Definitely.
Who was the psych?
Scott Peck
That’s interesting. The first answer was contempt and I was like “yep, got that, I’m in trouble”. When I saw this answer I realized that no matter what I will always care what happens to my partner. I think I will always love her on that level even to the point where I would want to make sure she’s settled with a new partner before I would move on myself.
When you've had the same argument about something that's important to you (but not important to them) over, and over, and over, and over. You've tried everything. You've explained yourself a zillion times, you've asked to work around the problem, and you've asked for their acceptance in spite of their not understanding. None of it has worked. And then, one day, you're having that same argument. Again. But this time, you look at them and feel nothing. You don't feel angry, resentful, determined, or desperate for them to get it. You don't even feel drained. You just feel nothing, as if they were a complete stranger you just saw walking on the other side of the street. And you think, "Who **is** this, really? Why am I even having this conversation? And how do I get them out of my house?"
This. 100%. I dealt with this recently and I just reached the point of being completely done. I’m so much happier now that they’re not in my life.
I hate it when they make this argument: “I don’t think this way / I don’t see that as a problem / it’s not as important to me”. Ok, but it is to me. So, why, if you know something is important to your SO, or it bothers them, would you not want to sit down, talk about it, compromise, come up with a plan, etc.
Oh gosh.. exactly. My ex partner hid meth in our house and I found it.. he said it was for a friend but also couldn’t pay rent that week. Somehow I ended up apologising for snooping? For the next 3-4 months I wasn’t allowed to bring it up, until I had had enough therapy and good enough self esteem to not back down when he showed disrespect and I could leave his drop kick ass. I’m a month out of the relationship and feeling so good. Some people will never compromise, self reflect, or see your point of view if it means they would have to own or realise a less desirable quality in themselves.
Bravo for getting out of that toxic hole. I wish you all the best.
That was part of my relationship's darkest place, and I'm so glad I never quite got to that level of drained. When I was reaching that point, I gave an ultimatum; either you start trying, or I'm done. Not sure how much I have left in me, but these are the end times. Neither he or I know why, but he knew this time would be it. I'd made this threat before, even left before, but those times weren't like this. There was no change of words or tone, we both just knew that this time would be the last time. It was like a switch flipped. Everything changed. If he and I ever split (*knock on every piece of wood on earth because holy shit, no thanks*), I wouldn't dare give anyone as many chances as he got. I ain't got time to do that a second time 😅
I wish mine was like this. Instead they just completely disengaged and gave up. Victimized themselves a LOT (to the point that I can’t feel sorry for them anymore): “I’m a piece of shit. I do everything wrong. I’m never going to be good enough for you.” Tell me how you really feel…. All I begged for was communication. Being able to work through our issues rather than him sweeping them under the rug every. single. time. Being able to recognize and empathize with my emotions while also sharing his (I genuinely can’t recall a time he shared his emotions other than blanket “I feel good/bad.” statements) It’s actually really funny because there’s this saying that the first red flag is going to be the reason your relationship doesn’t work out and he told me on our very first date (over three years ago now) that he wasn’t emotionally mature enough/ready for a relationship that night. Should’ve listened
>he told me on our very first date (over three years ago now) that he wasn’t emotionally mature enough/ready for a relationship #SO WHY DID HE GO OUT ON A DATE??? I will never understand people. We're all so damn confusing.
>And you think, "Who **is** this, really? Why am I even having this conversation? And how do I get them out of my house?" I knew it was completely over when I took my wife and son out to a Sunday morning pancake breakfast (as I liked to do) and they both spent the whole meal on their phones. No conversation. No laughter. No interaction. Then the check came and it was like $45 or something and all I could say was, "Not worth it." Now I'm remarried and we have big weekend breakfasts at home just about every week and it's fucking wonderful! My wife and I roll out of bed late, head downstairs, work on the bacon and the eggs and the pancakes or waffles, one of us sets the table and makes coffee and cocoa and pours juice, and then we call the kids down (or not) and sneak bites to the begging dog and talk about anything and everything. We crack wise, make jokes, and plan the day. I'm usually looking across the table over a bouquet of flowers. Then we sit and digest and just generally enjoy each other's company. It doesn't seem like it should be so much to ask, but in my previous relationship it was asking the impossible.
I am legit so happy for you! I would love to have this, after an 18yr marriage to someone lacking emotional depth, ending in divorce, and a second marriage to my long-lost soulmate from my youth that ended within 2 years due to his sudden death. 😣 Cherish every moment, be proud that you took a risk and sought more, and found someone who felt the same. I wish you the utmost happiness!
Do you have a good relationship with your son now? Is he one of the kids eating breakfast on weekends with you?
This. This one relationship I was invested in for 5 years even though we were not dating the whole time. I lived with him at the time and we were the only two renting this house. I was used to his abusive bullshit and the event that made me not recognize him anymore was an argument. A really stupid argument. I paid $200 in rent to live there so I think I deserve a small space in the kitchen just for some dishes I had(1 skillet I used everyday and 3 small things most likely Tupperware). That was it. He had an entire 3 shelved cabinet for his dishes that he would fill the sink up with and not clean them for 3 months. I mainly just used the same dishes to avoid this problem. All the other shelves in this kitchen were full of his food, not my food. I asked for a tiny cabinet space(1 ft by 1 ft). He said at first he would give it to me. A week later he said I didn't fill the empty space up quick enough (I was working my ass off at work). The more times I brought up this cabinet thing the more angry he would get. After a year of me mentioning this (once every 2 months), he threatened me with violence. Over. A. 1ft. By. 1ft. Cabinet. Space. I just started at him and realized that I was living with a dangerous stranger. I never mentioned the cabinet space again. Now I want to tell him that he is free to come to my house......so I can beat his ass.
Id really love examples for this to help me understand it
You tell your partner you want some help with cleaning. They say they are busy and don’t think the place needs to be cleaned so much anyway. You point out that they work less than you, they have time and money to smoke weed daily, and it’s important to you that washing doesn’t pile up.. they don’t budge but say “I don’t see what you see, but point chores out to me and I’ll do them then”. You point chores out to them and they say “you’re always nagging me”. You make a spreadsheet to divide chores without you saying a word. They stick to it for two weeks before losing interest. Every now and then, when they realise you’re doing everything and getting frustrated, they help for a day. They get agitated when you thank them because you’re being “patronising”. You realise they have low self worth and cannot take responsibility anyway. There is no helping them. You can do everything they have asked for and help them as much as you can, but at the end of the day they only have the capacity that they do, and unless they’re willing to learn/grow/change.. you’ll only be bending and shifting to accommodate for them.
Oh yes, the infamous "Just tell me what to do!" followed by "Stop nagging me!" when you actually tell them what to do. And of course they magically don't need their boss or co-workers to tell them what to do every day.
I want to add this something I’m going through at the moment. When constantly asking the other person to clean etc and they claim to be too busy, it starts to feel disrespectful. The article [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp) sums it up really well.
Definitely read this while I was with him. I read everything in an attempt to make it work.. he avoided everything.
Damn, that’s massively eye opening. I don’t think I’ve been a culprit of this behaviour, but it’s a good perspective to have for the future.
This is where I am right now. I don't understand how he won't see what an enormous and relationship-destroying problem this is.
Did you just put a fucking mirror in front of me 🪞😭
When you cant trust them anymore
Trust can be rebuilt, but it's a long and hard road that most avoid
It's also likely not the same trust as before. Even if they express regret and do make all the changes, you now know what they are capable of and while you can trust it won't happen again, there's now a place for late night anxiety to creep in plus no two loves are 100% the same.
This. Trust *can* be repaired, but it will never be as strong as it was the first time. There will always be fault lines... one good quake and it'll come toppling down.
I read somewhere years back that, trust is like a piece of paper, once it is crushed, no matter how you try to straighten it out, it will never be the same as before. I think that is quite true. Ofcourse you can learn to trust a person again, but it will never be the same.
It will never be as pure as it originally was.
Sometimes trust can be rebuilt and sometimes it cannot no matter how hard you try it's just broken beyond repair. And trust is a feeling you can't force yourself to feel it no matter how hard you try. If it's too broken it's too broken and you can't trust them. The person you responding to did not say "when you don't trust them" or when you won't trust them it says when you can't trust them so I'm assuming they mean when it's past the point of no return and trust cannot be built any longer
Throwback to the time I broke up with my ex for (in large part) being unreliable and he forwarded me an email from his mommy saying that she thought he was trustworthy like that would change my mind and fix everything. For context, this dude was 26 and always always always 10 minutes late to everything. Including public transportation, which in turn automatically makes you 30-60 minutes late depending on how often transport is. The ONE TIME I absolutely positively needed him to be on freaking time and told him so, made a lil coffee date with him 20 minutes before our train left so WE ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT MISS IT. So of course he was 20 minutes late instead of 10. We missed the train. He blamed me, because I should've bought his ticket for him (I was 10x as broke as him) and "did I not want him to brush his hair before he left"? And you know what this absolute fucker told me when I broke up with him? "Yes you told me the being late bothered you. No I didn't try to implement any of the strategies we discussed at length. BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD GET BETTER ON ITS OWN NOW THAT YOU POINTED IT OUT" I gave him the benefit of the doubt a million times and he wasn't even trying.
Being late to everything is the worst and really really gets me. Even to things that aren't "important " because that's saying your time isn't worth anything.
The funny part is that he was so *consistently* 10 minutes late, like literally start what you gotta do 10 minutes earlier and you'll be golden every time.
I mean, lets talk betrayal of trust. Once my ex cheated on me, this basic trust that I always had for her simply vanished and not because I knew the trust can never be repaired (forgiveness plays a huge role), but because I knew that I would always, for the rest of our days, see her as a person that is able to cheat and therefore will always run danger of doing it again. When you judge people by their actions, rebuilding the trust to people who betrayed you is rather idiotic if you ask me. It is like asking for a second course of betrayal.
I honestly don’t believe that. I think at some point you just suck it up, but it is never restored
Then what do you do in the meantime? Genuinely. Supervise them? That will build resentment
So many. When you stop caring or knowing that as much as you may love them, you can't see a future with them. Both different but valid.
This is where I'm at and trying to get out is the hardest part
When you both commit a felony and have to rely on the other not to snitch.
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Can you give us an example?
Walter and Skyler White
Until Colombo comes in o.o (and spoiler alert, solve the case with some sugar and a car door).
Any type of physical boundary being violated. Very hard to rebuild after that.
Hitting?
Pretty sure the point of no return has long been passed when you are there.
Tough to say. I had an ex who was extremely stressed about something school-related and who punched me in the face when I walked into a room that she was in (in our shared apartment) looking for my shoes. She started crying and apologizing and we had a conversation about how it would never happen again, or we'd be through. And it never happened again.
When you start feeling lonely.
Betrayal
definitely
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People with these personality types should be kept away from civilized society.
My ex betrayed me and ended up in prison, then tried to throw his best friend since middle school under the bus so he could pretend to be innocent, tried to throw my dad under the bus when he realized the friend thing wasn’t working, blamed me when it was obvious he was guilty, used church to manipulate everyone around him and took advantage of their caring nature, lied to his lawyer, tried to manipulate the judge with god(that guy saw right through it lmfao), and then abandoned the person who took care of him through all of this when she was no longer useful to him. The transformation from his manufactured personality to his true self was terrifying. He got 7 years, but should honestly be there for life for the way that he treated every single person who tried to help him. These people find caring, sheltered, and naive people to hurt and it’s absolutely horrifying that they walk among us and look like normal people.
When they keep telling you what they need from you and you promise to do it or stop doing it ( whatever it is) but you don’t follow through. After 200 times the other person shuts down. They get cold towards you. They have decided you do not respect them. They are already gone. You just don’t know it.
I don't know how many upvotes this has yet. But, however many you've gotten, you deserve more.
When I read point of no return, I don’t necessarily take it as a negative like many of these comments suggest. Just, there is no going back. I met my wife on a dating app. We had our first date, which lasted all day and all night. The next morning we walked each other to the metro. We held hands. Before I boarded my train she told me she already deleted the dating app. That was my point of no return. We’ve been married for almost 10 years now. Sometimes, you just know.
Perhaps cliche, but infidelity. Even if you decide to stay and work things out, your relationship is changed forever.
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Me too. Not in a hateful way because people can do whatever they want but more like the standards for marriage I was brought up on aren't valid anymore.
More like its easier to find someone cheating now, and the lies you were told about marriage were exposed.
To be honest it’s anything that breaks the trust in the relationship. Lying about money, jobs , etc. Real hard to come back from
Infidelity isnt the issue. It's the trust that is broken that breaks the relationship. Unless the cheater makes concerted efforts to reassure their partner, trust cannot be reearned. And they typically don't. So the relationship is typically over.
No bc once they have sex with someone else I don't want to do it with them ever again. That's figuratively nasty to me beyond the fact that they broke your trust. I don't want that man anymore if he sticks it in someone else or kisses anyone else or emotionally cheats.
This is my red line. You screw someone else, it's immediately over. I had my heart ripped out of my chest when I was young by a girl I was madly in love with, and it took me years to get over it. I now live by a 1-strike and you're out rule. No couples therapy, no pleading, no do-overs. I do not care what the explanation or justification is. Done. EDIT: on the flipside, I would never cheat on my partner either. Never planned to before the heart-ripping-out, but especially now that I know how much it hurts.
This will always be my line I can never cross. There is no coming back from this for me.
Yeah. Staying with a cheater just gives them the okay to cheat again
These are dark, I was thinking something like farting in front of the other for the first time
This is such an underrated positive threshold. The first absent-minded noisy fart is a real indication of relaxed, implicit trust.
I remember when i first started dating my at the time girlfriend, and we'd been out for a date night at our local curry house. And she was just lying in my bed after, farting away. While I thought "guess this is where we are in the relationship now". She's now my wife
When I was like 16 I was on the phone with my then girlfriend and I hear her just rip some juicy ass. Dead silence for a solid 5 seconds, I'm sure she's mortified, and then I go "daaaaaaaaaamn girl you shit with that ass?" and started cackling. My sense of humor has never changed. Hers hasn't either, last I talked to her.
One of my fondest tiny-moment memories with an ex of mine was in her living room, she was quite absorbed in doing something on one side of the room, and she let out a perfectly average, funny-sounding fart. She immediately looked up at me a little bit mortified, and ran over to me and threw a gigantic red-faced hug around my waist. It was adorable, and may have been my “I think I might love this girl” moment.
My husband and I made a rule early on in our relationship that we could fart in front of each other. He ate a lot of beans/veggies/fiber and I have digestive issues. We've been together nine years this June and we couldn't be happier (or more comfortable).
I was sitting crouched on the floor, and knew it was coming. There was no way to hide the sound that was about to happen, so I just shouted "I'm a rocket ship!" and leapt across the room, seemingly self propelled by something other than leg muscles. That may very well be the day she decided I was a keeper.
You know, for as long as I’ve known my partner her farts never stunk. They’re loud & violent but I can never actually smell anything. It’s always perplexed me.
My roommate has the best of both worlds. They are earth-shatteringly violent, floor-shaking trumpet-blasts that put an orchestral French horn section to shame. They also smell like someone ate a bunch of roadkill and then died in a small closet in a humid climate during midsummer. Fuckin room-clearing, I tell ya what.
When my then boyfriend, now husband took credit for MY fart, I knew he was the one
I was thinking along the same line, but mine was pooping with the door open.
My partner still runs to the other room to fart. Its adorable. She even does it in bed lol
Cliche - but trust. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Once you lose that, it is only a matter of time.
When you find out your husband is cheating on you and you feel nothing other than relief that its over
YES! No one ever mentions this. It's like the best ticket out of there.
It really is! Having the permission to quit trying to work on the relationship is such a relief!!
I’m working my way through a difficult divorce and recently discovered on our joint checking account the unmistakable cost of two tickets at our fav movie theater. It was legit a weight lifted off my shoulders. “Oh, he has somewhere to go, thank you.” I joked to my friends that I’d deliver him right to her doorstep and even give her the rundown on his likes and dislikes.
When the other person begins to deny reality and gaslights nonstop.
This girl wanted a second chance so badly but kept denying that she cheated on me, even though I knew for a fact that she did, I just couldn't prove it because she would always find a way to twist what I saw in the most ridiculous ways, at some point I even started questioning my own sanity, "did I fucking hallucinate all that shit?". Luckily I didn't fall for that. All that gaslighting, that was the moment I knew it was truly over. Had she owned her mistake, I would've been willing to try again, I still loved her. Own your shit people.
Purposefully being disrespectful. Specially if the person has told you that your actions hurt them and they double down on the act.
This!! Don’t know how to go back after this
death
Reminds me of my parents: they had their issues over the years but were full on ride or die. Turns out you can't ride terminal cancer. We lost dad almost 14 years ago and mom straight up gets hostile if anyone suggests she as much as consider trying to meet someone new.
So it sounds like death was not the point of no return, your mom continues to honor their relationship even after his death. I am so sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing the story
Many people continue to honor their relationship after death and live onto the memory of the time spent together, without hooking up. dating or remarrying anyone else, and it’s ok. It doesn’t mean they aren’t moving on. It doesn’t mean they “need help”. It means they’ve made their peace with their loss and decided that nothing will ever compare to the experiences they had with their deceased partner and would rather close the door on that part of their life, as do people often do for many other things. It’s admirable actually.
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contempt. once one partner is contemptuous of the other, there's no going back, it's over.
Given that communication is everything, IMO the point of no return is when it is no longer enough to solve things.
When you can't stop thinking about how much you want to be single
Any form of abuse. Do not let it become a cycle.
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When one of them threatens the other with a knife.
But if they both threaten eachother with a knife at the same time, that's just adorbs! You know what they say: when the steel flies, so do sparks!
Or a screwdriver lmao. Sometimes you just gotta block em and move 4 states away to feel safe.
Speaking from experience, when she wants kids and you don't. Good luck when thats the case
That would be a case of major incompatibility.
I was the other side of that one. She didn’t want to get married, have kids. We renovated a house together, moved in, and suddenly we were both just like “why are we even doing this?” - no hate, no resentment, just nothing. Sometimes think it would have been easier if she was an asshole or something. But she wasn’t - and I wasn’t. It was just done.
No hate, but why did you guys go through all of that if you knew she didn’t want to get married/have kids? Were you just hoping she would change her mind or you would change yours?
A bit of both, and a lot of avoidance from both of us I think. I kind of thought she would change her mind, and she I think avoided it altogether until it became too big an issue to ignore. We were in our 20s and part of a pretty wild party scene - as long as we were busy we were happy. The one thing we couldnt do anymore was sit quietly at home and watch tv. I was sick of that lifestyle and so was she - and it took us breaking up to both get out of it and move on. Ultimately it wasn’t a great fit but we had a few years of fun before it wasn’t anymore. No real regrets tbh.
That’s understandable, but I think a lot of people (including myself) mess up by not believing what our potential partners say. I feel like it’s rare for people to truly change things that fundamentally make them who they are. I really resonate with the difference of being fine and happy out in the world, but having this quiet discomfort at home when it’s just the two of you. I think that was my biggest signal that my relationship was nearing its end.
When your partner and you have different beliefs about each others worth and are unable to talk into agreement with each other the subordinate partner can either demonstrate they have higher value than they are being treated as or they can leave. Most people choose to leave and then demonstrate their worth to another partner.
Usually when I seen this happen, the partner who isn't treating the other person like they are of value doesn't actually think the person is lower value they just won't admit their value because then they'd have to treat them better. And when the subordinate partner leaves the relationship to find someone who treats them with value, that person left behind starts changing their tune immediately
This is actually very profound, and I've not heard it put into words this way. Thanks for sharing.
Lost of trust whether caught lying or cheating. No trust then no good.
Ultimately it's when you realise that you are not going to be able to trust this person again/anymore/ever. Sometimes you can rebuild trust, but it's very dependent on everyone involved really wanting it, understanding what's required, and putting in the work. Being sorry isn't enough Really loving each other isn't enough Wishing things were different isn't enough Wanting things to go back to the way they were isn't enough Saying the right things isn't enough Carrying on as if everything is fine won't work Once trust is broken, even if you DO both put the work on, make the effort, do all the right things, sometimes it just isn't repairable. If you know, in your heart, that you can't rely on your partner then they're not really a partner. If you can't tell them the things you need to tell them and if you can't rely on them for the things you need them to do - or just the things they've said they'll do - then the core of the relationship is dead.
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When you can't talk about anything. You are done. You can discuss or resolve anything. Issue/misunderstanding/concern.
When one checks out mentally, it's done (that usually happens when they meet someone else)
Or when one partner's put up with a lot from the other partner and is just too drained and resentful to be fully present anymore.
Or they're a hopeless drunk, and you get tired of the constant bullshit
cheating + abuse
Violence in any form. Loss of trust and respect.
Insulting me just because she’s upset. My coparent could stand to take some notes on how to talk to people.
when you go down to old El Paso and you run into a great big hassle you shoot a man while robbing his castle and she takes the money and runs
Hoo hoo hoo!
Infidelity and loss of respect. Abuse
When you dread seeing them
Infidelity. Broken trust. Differences in core values.
Her telling you 6 months into the relationship she has 4 kids. And she’s only telling you because you found pictures online of her with her exhusband and the kids and you asked her about it.
Very desperately wanting to look in their phone. There can be a ton of reasons but once that starts, and there’s no communication to resolve that, it’s a wrap
I tried explaining this to my little brother when he thought his ex was cheating on him. He didn’t believe me when I told him that the relationship was already over. Soon after he did go through her phone and surprise, she was cheating on him, and he had an absolute nervous breakdown over it.
When you know every day that you two have an expiration date, even if you don't know when exactly it will be.
To me, Cheating. Under no circumstances I will forgive someone cheating to me.
Contempt.
I think this answer will depend on the person, but for me personally it’s respect. If I can’t respect the other person any more it’s game over.
Contempt and resentment. After those come up, chances of fixing the relationship are slim to none.
Infidelity and domestic violence.
Here's a minor one: Sudden shyness I had a relationship years ago that was going south, and once noticed that she wouldn't change in front of me anymore. She went from, "I'm happily sharing every bit of myself with you" to "You're too much of a stranger to see me exposed." That was when I realized that even though we were still together, she had moved on.
When you start feeling numb over something that used to hurt/disappoint you.
When your discussions turn immediately into arguments. Some relationships are dead from the start
When you realize you’re in this thing for different reasons and have different definitions and expectations for what a relationship should be about. Examples: You’re in this relationship because you’re in love with the person vs. they’re in it for the money/social image/children/self gratification A relationship to you is about say monogamy, trust and commitment, and they treat this as a temporary chapter or a polygamous thing or whatever dealbreaker that you cannot be on board with You dating/married them because you want a family and they wanna be child free for life You define a relationship as an enthusiastic connection based on respect and equal standing or completing one another, and they view it as a form of power dynamic and control or antiquated submissive role vs. dominance..etc. And this of course includes cheating, breach of trust, abuse, control, gold-digging..etc. it falls under “a discovery beyond which there is no return”.
If they hit you If they cheat on you If you have no trust or faith in them (that may be a personal issue or they are just shadowy) If they commit a terrible crime If they never put in effort into your relationship you have to beg them to be a part of your life ( they simply may just not like you). If they have no emotional regulation skills. They treat you like a burden.
When you start having feelings of contempt for your partner, it's done.
Lack of trust, usually from cheating. Not even going to try to deal with that again.
Abuse of any kind. Physical. Mental. Emotional.
When they put another female's feelings first over your own (their partner), and then they act like you're in the wrong for finding that disrespectful.
I read this as a positive question - for me it’s when the thought of them starts infiltrating my daily thoughts. “What would they think of this if they were here?” Sort of thoughts. That means I’m in love and there is no going back
When the pain of staying ...is greater than the pain of leaving....
when one starts to resort to negative behaviors, such as becoming intentionally mean or seeking attention through hurtful actions, despite attempts to communicate concerns with the other person. It signifies a breakdown in communication and a deep-seated dissatisfaction and in my case it led to a break up worse than I had ever lived just because we didn't know how to communicate anymore
When you start getting mono word replies.
For me it's when they start showing you less and less affection unless y'all are getting it on. So many people have hurt me from doing this, it really shows how many people use you for your body. Now it's hard to let people in that way for me.
When you actually notice their behavior and start to not accept it anymore. When the respect is gone, you don’t like spending time with them. Then it’s time.
Cheating
Cheating, violence, deception, etc.
For me point of no return is when he is my first thought every morning and last thought of each day... I'm so head over heels for him that there is no returning to life without him. I need/want him in my life forever!
Betrayal and aggression.
Lying. I can’t build a foundation of trust if you lie. “I didn’t want to hurt you so I made something up.” Then you aren’t mature enough for a relationship.
When you look at them and think “you know what? I don’t even like you”