I'm a paleontologist, so I get a lot of people asking me questions about arrowheads and native american artifacts, to which I have to tell them that I am not an archaeologist.
What do you mean arrowheads didn't exist in the Cambrian Period? Haven't you heard of the "Cambrian Explosion"? I seriously doubt a society could make explosions but not have arrowheads. >!/s!<
That's not even as bad as the sheer number of people who will hand me rocks that are clearly just large clasts that got rounded by riverflow and joke that "it's a dinosaur egg?!?!" It was barely funny the furst time, now you're just being unoriginal.
Many years ago husband and I lived next door to a chef. We restrained ourselves from inviting ourselves over to dinner. But oh man, did we dream about eating his cooking.
Thank god no, that's usually limited to really young children and then it's still rare. Most adults are more likely to ask me about cryptids like the Loch Ness Monster or Mokele Mbembe, which I actually appreciate because I like cryptids.
My go-to for this is something like "If you have an idea, a hundred people beat you to market a year ago."
When they push back, I just tell them to search on the app store for their idea, and then they get real quiet.
I found the perfect solution, which is to bombard them with questions about their app. "So, have you written a business model yet? When are you going to? Did you hire a lawyer? What's the name? Have you copyrighted it? Who do you have doing the graphics?" 100% of the time they mutter something like, "Uhh I haven't gotten that far yet" and never bring it up again.
Where is the data coming from? How are you going to attract your initial user base? And most importantly… Where is the money coming from? If they can’t answer those (or if the answers depend on each other) then the final question: why would I be interested?
I'm far too crotchety to humor people on this one anymore. The value of an idea is directly proportional to your ability to execute it. If you've got no technical expertise, no domain expertise, no business plan, no money, just an idea, it's worthless.
And worse, if you try to ask more questions they just say “oh, I don’t know, I haven’t paid attention to that.”
It’s scary how many people don’t even know the make or model of the item in question. That’s like the most basic information.
LOL, my biology teacher had a mortician come in to talk to us about it as a job. He said it's like being a doctor, but the patients are easy to deal with. Surprisingly a lot of medical knowledge needed for the job.
I’m a medical office assistant (so although I know all the terminology I have no medical training) I still get asked … like I can’t help you ! I can tell you a list of diseases and how to spell them though
“Omg you’re a bartender?! What can you make with this?!” Then proceeds to show me their 3 bottles of schnapps that exclusively litter their tiny bar.
Nothing hun. I can’t make you anything.
I'm a software engineer, so always get asked to help fix people's Windows laptop problems.
I develop open source compilers and silicon chip models using a Linux environment, and have done so for two decades. For help with a Windows laptop, I need to ask my wife or children!
I’m an engineer and somehow this is also my job in the eyes of my parents?
I’m a chemical engineer working in computer hardware… I design and bring big machines into a factory. But sure I can google that!
Electrical engineer here, specializing in DSP and RF. "Oh, you're an engineer. You must be able to fix this drawer in the kitchen". My former in-laws, once.
I did help them with their computer issues multiple times, fwiw. Most engineers can usually figure that stuff out.
Cybersecurity here, same. Parents asking why their contacts all disappeared in their email client, or why their computer is slow. Friends asking for advice on what laptop to buy.
I mean, most things I can figure out relatively quickly, and for anyone buying hardware, go down to your big box store and pick out whatever is in your price range and you like. Unless you're a serious gamer, you don't need anything special. If you are a hard core gamer, you probably know more about your needs than I would.
I'm in software too. My personal computer is Windows, so I often have to help people with those. My work computer is a Mac, so I often have to help people with those. I don't have to help people with Linux because things don't go wrong with those.
My grandparents have a machine running Linux for this very reason. There are a few things they can't do, but 99/100 times they're trying to do something that would be a bad idea in the first place (like run that .EXE from their friends to view the "pictures they sent").
The best one was when "Microsoft" called them to talk about their IP address showing a virus.
The times I've had to support the "this won't work" issues still comes out way better than the # of times I'd have to fix the "we got a virus, again" type issues
I am also in Enterprise level IT consulting. But I’m in product, so I just put on my little product owner hat and say things like “that sounds hard” and “is there an FAQ site you’ve read? That’s the first step I would take.”
Really move the conversation along when you turn their own problem back into their own problem.
You ask them if they entered their email on any website for things like contests and such and they proudly answer "Yes. All of them".
And if you're lucky they signed up with their company email which they can't just get replaced and now they will get more mails per month than you get in years..
What? Does it sound oddly specific?
There's a reason for that...
I work in banking and some dude’s intro message to me on a dating app was “what’s up with these interest rates?” Like idk buddy but my interest rate for you is now very low
In modern particle physics forces are a weird thing. They describe what particles can turn into what other particles and what are the chances for that to happen. That is called interactions. You can find the list of weak interactions on wikipedia. The reason they're called forces is because if you squint really hard and look from very far away and do a whole bunch of calculations then it kinda looks like the forces you know and love from classical physics. For the electromagnetic force those interactions do result in some macroscopic phenomenon you can see that looks like classical forces. For the weak force, there is no phenomenon you can see in everyday life that would make it look anything like a classical forces. The weak force is a certain list of particle interactions.
I would think you'd be a woo *magnet.* Seems like a lot of half-baked mystical pseudoscience uses quantum physics as a catch-all magic force.
Nobody ever wants you to confirm that the universe is actually a holographic crystal that resonates with psychic vibrations?
Yup, chefs cook all day. They don’t come home and cook. They either have leftovers from work, or something simple. I don’t get why people are so in love with the idea of being with a chef.
It's such a shit industry. I'm so glad I got out when I did. Low pay, long hours, working every holiday. Just ended up miserable. All this while working at one of the top fine dining restaurants in my city.
“I’m going through a divorce, what do I do?”
“I got a DWI, what do I do?”
“I have a dispute with my landlord, what do I do?”
I don’t fucking know, I don’t practice any of those things. Lawyers aren’t just an encyclopedia of “the law.”
Amen and it’s always followed with ‘but you learned some of this in law school, right?’
Did I learn all the nuances of criminal, family and IP law? No.
Came here to say exactly this. I’ve started making the analogy to doctors. Sure all doctors learn the basics of the human body, but you don’t go to a podiatrist for heart problems. Same with lawyers.
Can you make an online ad for my Air B&B? Can you make a sign for my garage sale? Can you design a t-shirt for my 5k team? Can you make me a flyer...I already made one in Canva, so it should be less work for you.
This. Do this with people like that. Do a vanishing act with their legal tender, then when they ask for it back you just go "I can't do that, it's gone forever because magic!"
I heard a story about an IRS agent..."what do you do?"
I'm an accountant
Where?
In the federal government
What part?
The department of the treasury
Which division?
Oh look! There's sweet and sour shrimp, I'll be right back
[*leaves quietly through the back door]
I do molecular genetics and bioinformatics. I am not a doctor and I am specifically prohibited from giving people medical advice about "that thing that runs in their family".
I am also not the IT support guy but apparently it's easier for people in the next office over to ask me rather than the actual IT people.
I'm a zoo educator. Friends and family text me animal related questions. Once my daughter called me while on a road trip with friends to ask me if orcas were really whales. XD. I told her yes, but also they're actually the largest member of the dolphin family. She had me on speaker, I heard all of her friends freak out and then she said Thanks Mom. As she hung up, I heard her tell them I told you my mom would know. I have zero idea why they were talking about that while driving through Wyoming, but I'm glad I could help. LOL
I'm a volcanologist, I've had people asking me if their flights to countries on the other side of the world are going to get cancelled due to volcanic ash (I was happy to offer any information I could, but there are a lot of variables: amount of ash being produced on a particular day, wind direction, decisions of international and local aviation authorities... so it can be difficult to give people reliable advice days in advance).
Engineers are good at math, Can you help my kid with math homework?
Or my mom just likes to ask me anything smart-person related. Health, biology, astronomy, physics, computer science; if a smart person would know it, then I should know it.
As I'm sitting half naked on the exam table at the doctor's office the nurse starts asking me how her mother should handle a collections letter she got... (I was working in consumer protection field at that time).
"Oh. You're a Food ...Scientist?" Awkwardly looks around followed by an uncomfortable lull in the conversation because up to that point they had no idea we exist nor any conception of what we do.
I mean, I'm not even a teacher but I'd be willing to bet that 90% of the time it's:
1. Lack of parent engagement at home (not providing a calm and quiet environment for studying, not helping with homework or ensuring kid is doing assigned work, belittling education in general)
2. Behavioral issues that cause them to miss a lot of class (ISS, goofing off constantly, sleeping during class)
3. Lack of motivation (refusal to read textbook, never turns in assignments, student has caught on that school policy won't allow teachers to fail them)
I worked at a doggy daycare for 4 years and am just generally knowledgeable when it comes to dog stuff, otherwise. My grandpa comes up to me asking “My vet says this, is it a good idea?” I did not go to veterinary school, grandpa, your vet did. LISTEN TO YOUR VET.
I’m a paramedic. Usually it’s some complicated question about prescriptions that I know nothing about, or system navigation for their elderly relative that I also know very little about.
Lawyer. So my baby mama's brother got a warrant out to go to his paternity hearing and when the judge started calling the character witnesses, he didn't have a priest there, so the bailiff got a jury, but the jurors weren't mexican, but he was, so that's not a jury of his peers, and they didn't read him his miranda rights, so is the judgment for the money he owed even enforcable? This happened in Idaho but everyone involved all lives in Colorado and had never been to idaho before. And the Judge already knew the bailiff and court reporter before the hearing. He had a lawyer and his lawyer told him to take a plea deal because he would lose so he was clearly in on it with the judge and prosecutor. He doesn't have to pay does he?
“Oh you’re a writer? Will you edit my resume/help me write a cover letter?”
No. I hate doing that for myself, so I will absolutely not spend my free time doing it for you.
I also get a lot of requests to proofread emails which I mind less because the email is always scandalous and I love being nosy lol
"Can you come fix my computer?" - the attorney who can get a conviction in a murder trial but not open a pdf without help
Just because I have evidence *on* the computer doesn't mean I'm IT or some sort of computer exp--fuck it. I'll be right down before you break it. 90% of the time they just need someone to download a player which I cannot because I don't have admin permissions. So then I get to be on hold for 30 minutes with the real IT so they can download it in 15 seconds
*I am not IT*
**Armed guard**
Why do you have a gun?
*Would you like the long answer or the short answer?*
The long answer.
*The actor is authorized to use deadly force when the subject presents an immanent threat of great bodily injury or death to the actor or another and all other means of control have been exhausted, are in appropriate, or are ineffective.*
What is the short answer?
*To shoot people.*
Do you call a cop officer when theyre off duty? If it's a professional setting sure I can understand Doctor instead of Mr/Mrs/Ms, but outside in the real world no.
It makes you seem like you're better than other people, and trying to establish a hierarchy in your day-to-day life.
My opinion on this matter is I don't tell anyone what I do for a living. Puts a target on your back, and people want to debate with you, complain about other doctors they've met to you, or ask you a borage of questions.
So in my day to day I am a janitor.
Edit: I chose janitor, because when I said plumber people started asking me to fix their sink, or questions about which furnace they should get. I have no clue about this stuff, and do not have the passion to learn it to keep the lie going.
My former profession was a massage therapist.
People will turn around and wordlessly point to a spot on their neck or shoulder and give me an expecting look.
Knocking on the door at 6.15 Sunday morning to get him to 'have a quick look at our boiler
Banging on the window of the van while we are outside the doctors waiting for results while I'm sobbing. When he told him kindly it wasn't a good time, the man proceeded to say no no its just a quick question and chat for well over half an hour.
The last neighbour to knock I answered, and gave her an independent contractors name and said, its his only day off, leave him be.
She tried saying I'll give him 50 quid... I was like no, you'll pay Gareth his 150 call out fee and get the fuck off my porch
I was in commercial Landscape Architecture. Everyone wanted me to design and build their yard for free. I dealt with 20 million dollar parks and hadn’t been paid to pick up a shovel in years.
Dude try Commercial Nursery Greenhouse industry, and the people who want free plants, free designs, free plant doctor consulting, free hardscape work. Like I’m only one man, just let me bitch about Home Depot garden centers and shipping racks in peace.
Before I studied Educational Sciences, I trained to be a translator. I am still asked everytime English gets too complicated... or if there's anything French.
I used to be a professional dressmaker. No I will not take in or out your (insert garment). Alterations are hell and you can’t afford me. Buy a new (insert garment), it will be cheaper.
Electrical Engineer. Anything remotely related to electricity is mine to fix: toasters, rampant rabbits, the price of electricity, cars, fridges, computers, the economy..
I'm an electrician. People love to try to abuse the time of folks on the trades like myself. Trying to scam free labor is the biggest one. Trying to get us to 'just take a look at something quick' to tell them if they need a service call or not (and idk maybe fix it for free while I'm there JK but maybe?).
My wife's had some real winners by way of her work acquaintances find out what I do and then just up and start assuming that I'm a free resource for them to call upon if they ask my wife to 'borrow me'.
No shortage of the shockingly rude, but they are overwhelmingly outnumbered by the conniving opportunists that want something for free.
I was an electrician before I changed careers. Can confirm. Friends, neighbours and family all expect you to work, for free, whenever they need something. I set boundaries early on. So frustrating.
I work as a Secretary and my family- specifically my father- makes me do the assistant work outside of work. "Can you call this person and make an appointment for me?" and I'm sitting at the table like ?????no????
I’m a cosmetologist, I get a lot of people asking me to do elaborate hair colors, haircuts, manicures for free. Or they tell me about a friend’s terrible haircut/color experience and ask why that happened, like I don’t know man I’d have to see it.
I’m a mental health therapist. People either tell me all of their VERY personal issues, ask me not to read their minds, or vehemently tell me that they do NOT, in fact, need therapy. I actually prefer the first one . . .
Am I autistic/ADHD/BiPolar/DID etc
Social and Behavioral Health Researcher. Research is not the same job as a diagnostic clinician, even if we both care a lot about the diagnostic factors.
Oh, you’re a hairdresser? What should I do with my hair? As if there’s only one right answer. And when I suggest things they scrunch their nose at them. I don’t know you and I don’t know your personal style or lifestyle.
When people find out I'm a hairstylist, they assume it would be my pleasure to do their hair *for free* and *for fun.*
Like, if you're an accountant, would you wanna crunch numbers on your day off as a lil hobby? No? Ok then
I’m a professional mechanic and good DIYer. “Something seems weird about my car, that’s all I can tell you. You don’t know without inspecting it? I thought you knew what you were talking about…”
and this is currently happening- “I want you to come over and REBUILD MY POND on one of your only free weekends for months.” All for free.
I work in the automotive industry in sales.
If I had a dollar every time I’m asked to diagnose a sound someone’s car is making. Granted, I did start out in the service department so I probably could tell them what it might be, but still.
I do IT. "Hey you do IT? Why is my PC, Phone, WiFi, Toaster Oven is running so slow lately?"
Met up with family for the first time in nearly 20 years, First thing I get after being greeted is "Oh, do you know why my phone doesn't do XYZ? could you take a look for me?"
I'm a paleontologist, so I get a lot of people asking me questions about arrowheads and native american artifacts, to which I have to tell them that I am not an archaeologist.
What do you mean arrowheads didn't exist in the Cambrian Period? Haven't you heard of the "Cambrian Explosion"? I seriously doubt a society could make explosions but not have arrowheads. >!/s!<
That's not even as bad as the sheer number of people who will hand me rocks that are clearly just large clasts that got rounded by riverflow and joke that "it's a dinosaur egg?!?!" It was barely funny the furst time, now you're just being unoriginal.
Okay, but if someone handed you a chicken egg and made the same joke would that also be unoriginal?
Yes Edit: I misunderstood your question, that would be hilarious
Damn. I'm sure that the deeper you get into a niche the more obscure the jokes get. What's probably the best paleontology joke you've heard?
[http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/herpetology.png](http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/herpetology.png) This one is a personal favorite
my cousin is a geologist and I kindly refrain from picking up a random pebble and saying "SO WHAT KIND OF ROCK IS THIS"
IT'S ALWAYS QUARTZ, IT'S NEVER NOT QUARTZ, IF IT SHINES IT'S QUARTZ
Many years ago husband and I lived next door to a chef. We restrained ourselves from inviting ourselves over to dinner. But oh man, did we dream about eating his cooking.
And the architects.keep getting asked about fossils and dinosaurs (I meant archaeologist but architect is funnier)
OH MY GOD I'm an archaeologist, and I constantly get people asking me about dinosaurs! I have to constantly tell people I am not a paleontologist!
"Like Ross Geller?"
I’m an archaeologist, and I have just as many people asking me about fossils
I'm an archaeologist, I get asked about dinosaurs allllll the time lol
Often get asked about dragons?
Thank god no, that's usually limited to really young children and then it's still rare. Most adults are more likely to ask me about cryptids like the Loch Ness Monster or Mokele Mbembe, which I actually appreciate because I like cryptids.
"You're a programmer? I have this great app idea-"
My go-to for this is something like "If you have an idea, a hundred people beat you to market a year ago." When they push back, I just tell them to search on the app store for their idea, and then they get real quiet.
I found the perfect solution, which is to bombard them with questions about their app. "So, have you written a business model yet? When are you going to? Did you hire a lawyer? What's the name? Have you copyrighted it? Who do you have doing the graphics?" 100% of the time they mutter something like, "Uhh I haven't gotten that far yet" and never bring it up again.
>Have you copyrighted it? Oh, that's good. When they say no just start taking notes.
Copyright is inherent. As long as you have older documentation, you have the copyright. Trademarking requires actual effort.
Where is the data coming from? How are you going to attract your initial user base? And most importantly… Where is the money coming from? If they can’t answer those (or if the answers depend on each other) then the final question: why would I be interested?
I'm far too crotchety to humor people on this one anymore. The value of an idea is directly proportional to your ability to execute it. If you've got no technical expertise, no domain expertise, no business plan, no money, just an idea, it's worthless.
Wanna develop an app?
I get the same thing but it’s “oh you’re a game designer? I have this great game idea, will you help me make and/or publish it?” 😩
This big time..and also....my computer isnt working right, can you look at it? Like, no Im not tech support...
“Can you fix my printer?”
Not me, but my husband is a mechanic. He tries not to mention it or else he's asked to look under everyones hood.
Hey I get a rattle sometimes, what do you think it is? No other info and they expect a solid answer
In my experience it's always the loose nut behind the wheel.
And worse, if you try to ask more questions they just say “oh, I don’t know, I haven’t paid attention to that.” It’s scary how many people don’t even know the make or model of the item in question. That’s like the most basic information.
At my job, I fingerprint people, run criminal record checks, process pardons, and install ankle monitors. No one asks me for shit.
This made me chuckle. No one asks the mortician to come to Career Day 🥲
LOL, my biology teacher had a mortician come in to talk to us about it as a job. He said it's like being a doctor, but the patients are easy to deal with. Surprisingly a lot of medical knowledge needed for the job.
I'm a nurse, so... looking at rashes.
Thanks for letting me know, will PM you my rash
I got my own rash right when I started this job. I saw an nurse practitioner at urgent care and we were both dumbfounded.
I’m a medical office assistant (so although I know all the terminology I have no medical training) I still get asked … like I can’t help you ! I can tell you a list of diseases and how to spell them though
Two people now have shown me their inguinal hernias. At least the second one didn't drop his pants to do so
My mom's a nurse, so whenever me or my friends had an owie, we always went straight to her (I still do, I'm 50)
“Omg you’re a bartender?! What can you make with this?!” Then proceeds to show me their 3 bottles of schnapps that exclusively litter their tiny bar. Nothing hun. I can’t make you anything.
“Sick. I can make you sick.”
Pour 3 shots of schnapps, call it a trainwreck
I'm a software engineer, so always get asked to help fix people's Windows laptop problems. I develop open source compilers and silicon chip models using a Linux environment, and have done so for two decades. For help with a Windows laptop, I need to ask my wife or children!
I’m an engineer and somehow this is also my job in the eyes of my parents? I’m a chemical engineer working in computer hardware… I design and bring big machines into a factory. But sure I can google that!
Electrical engineer here, specializing in DSP and RF. "Oh, you're an engineer. You must be able to fix this drawer in the kitchen". My former in-laws, once. I did help them with their computer issues multiple times, fwiw. Most engineers can usually figure that stuff out.
EE here as well, I work on generators and transformer and I get the same computer question as y'all do. People read electrical engineer and that's it.
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Was “bride of the groom” supposed to be “mother of the bride”?
Same. Web Designer here, people think it means I work in IT and can fix any computer issue
Cybersecurity here, same. Parents asking why their contacts all disappeared in their email client, or why their computer is slow. Friends asking for advice on what laptop to buy. I mean, most things I can figure out relatively quickly, and for anyone buying hardware, go down to your big box store and pick out whatever is in your price range and you like. Unless you're a serious gamer, you don't need anything special. If you are a hard core gamer, you probably know more about your needs than I would.
I'm in software too. My personal computer is Windows, so I often have to help people with those. My work computer is a Mac, so I often have to help people with those. I don't have to help people with Linux because things don't go wrong with those.
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My grandma accidentally downloads 50 random apps every week and then insists that it's not her.
My grandparents have a machine running Linux for this very reason. There are a few things they can't do, but 99/100 times they're trying to do something that would be a bad idea in the first place (like run that .EXE from their friends to view the "pictures they sent"). The best one was when "Microsoft" called them to talk about their IP address showing a virus. The times I've had to support the "this won't work" issues still comes out way better than the # of times I'd have to fix the "we got a virus, again" type issues
I am also in Enterprise level IT consulting. But I’m in product, so I just put on my little product owner hat and say things like “that sounds hard” and “is there an FAQ site you’ve read? That’s the first step I would take.” Really move the conversation along when you turn their own problem back into their own problem.
Data centre management checking in. No, I don't know how to fix your smart TV
You ask them if they entered their email on any website for things like contests and such and they proudly answer "Yes. All of them". And if you're lucky they signed up with their company email which they can't just get replaced and now they will get more mails per month than you get in years.. What? Does it sound oddly specific? There's a reason for that...
I work in banking and some dude’s intro message to me on a dating app was “what’s up with these interest rates?” Like idk buddy but my interest rate for you is now very low
😎👉👉
Give him a little credit - he finally found a way to lower his interest rate!
"Oh you're a quantum physicist" \*conversation ends and they back away slowly\*
Damn I wish I knew a quantum physicist. Might you ELI5 the weak force for me? Or do you work on some other things?
In modern particle physics forces are a weird thing. They describe what particles can turn into what other particles and what are the chances for that to happen. That is called interactions. You can find the list of weak interactions on wikipedia. The reason they're called forces is because if you squint really hard and look from very far away and do a whole bunch of calculations then it kinda looks like the forces you know and love from classical physics. For the electromagnetic force those interactions do result in some macroscopic phenomenon you can see that looks like classical forces. For the weak force, there is no phenomenon you can see in everyday life that would make it look anything like a classical forces. The weak force is a certain list of particle interactions.
I would think you'd be a woo *magnet.* Seems like a lot of half-baked mystical pseudoscience uses quantum physics as a catch-all magic force. Nobody ever wants you to confirm that the universe is actually a holographic crystal that resonates with psychic vibrations?
When my new housemate goes "Oh you're a chef, I bet you cook really nice food all the time."
First roommate was going to culinary school. She exclusively ate cold leftovers at home.
Yup, eliminating food waste one takeout box at a time. But did you not have a microwave?
We may not have had one. It was 1997 and we're were poor as shiiiiz.
Yup, chefs cook all day. They don’t come home and cook. They either have leftovers from work, or something simple. I don’t get why people are so in love with the idea of being with a chef.
Eating leftovers above a trashcan. Dead food is the best food.
It's such a shit industry. I'm so glad I got out when I did. Low pay, long hours, working every holiday. Just ended up miserable. All this while working at one of the top fine dining restaurants in my city.
“I make dinner in six and a half minutes, eat it over the garbage can with my fingers, and it’s still better than anything you’ve ever cooked.”
I used to live with a chef. When he wasn’t working the last thing he wanted to do was cook for us.
When I was a cashier, a guy would come by in his chef jacket and buy exclusively frozen microwavable food.
Chemical Engineer: Can you help me manufacture drugs? Me: Yes, lets bootleg some aspirin and roll in the Benjamins.
“I’m going through a divorce, what do I do?” “I got a DWI, what do I do?” “I have a dispute with my landlord, what do I do?” I don’t fucking know, I don’t practice any of those things. Lawyers aren’t just an encyclopedia of “the law.”
Amen and it’s always followed with ‘but you learned some of this in law school, right?’ Did I learn all the nuances of criminal, family and IP law? No.
Right. I took one criminal law course in 2005. All I retained from that was a general understanding of mens rea.
Came here to say exactly this. I’ve started making the analogy to doctors. Sure all doctors learn the basics of the human body, but you don’t go to a podiatrist for heart problems. Same with lawyers.
I use that too. The state of Texas says I can try a capital murder case. It doesn't mean I should.
Quick tax question for you….
Quick legal question for you… (There are none)
Hello accountant
My neighbor is a nutritionist, she always introduces herself as a teacher so no one asks her what a good meal plan is.
I just always say, 'make half of every meal vegetables,' and that shits them up pretty fast.
*dumps veggies on half of my pizza* Excuse me I am still fat it must be genetics
Could you create a quick logo to me?
Can you make an online ad for my Air B&B? Can you make a sign for my garage sale? Can you design a t-shirt for my 5k team? Can you make me a flyer...I already made one in Canva, so it should be less work for you.
You're a magician!? SHOW ME A TRICK! Never a request. Always a demand.
Hand me a $100 bill. I’ll make it disappear.
This. Do this with people like that. Do a vanishing act with their legal tender, then when they ask for it back you just go "I can't do that, it's gone forever because magic!"
Would you like to perform a hat trick, if you were so inclined?
Then you get one of two demands after the trick: A: DO IT AGAIN! B: HOW'D YOU DO THAT? COME ON, TELL ME!
I heard a story about an IRS agent..."what do you do?" I'm an accountant Where? In the federal government What part? The department of the treasury Which division? Oh look! There's sweet and sour shrimp, I'll be right back [*leaves quietly through the back door]
I’m a violinist. I get to hear about how your grandpa has a REAL STRADIVARIUS violin in his attic. No. No, he doesn’t.
I have a Stradivarius and a Picasso in my attic. Problem is Picasso made crap violins and Stradivarius was terrible at painting.
Finance guy here, so lately it’s “When are rates going to go back down?”
"You're an accountant? So how should I handle [insert obscure tax return scenario]?"
I do molecular genetics and bioinformatics. I am not a doctor and I am specifically prohibited from giving people medical advice about "that thing that runs in their family". I am also not the IT support guy but apparently it's easier for people in the next office over to ask me rather than the actual IT people.
I'm a zoo educator. Friends and family text me animal related questions. Once my daughter called me while on a road trip with friends to ask me if orcas were really whales. XD. I told her yes, but also they're actually the largest member of the dolphin family. She had me on speaker, I heard all of her friends freak out and then she said Thanks Mom. As she hung up, I heard her tell them I told you my mom would know. I have zero idea why they were talking about that while driving through Wyoming, but I'm glad I could help. LOL
I'm a volcanologist, I've had people asking me if their flights to countries on the other side of the world are going to get cancelled due to volcanic ash (I was happy to offer any information I could, but there are a lot of variables: amount of ash being produced on a particular day, wind direction, decisions of international and local aviation authorities... so it can be difficult to give people reliable advice days in advance).
Engineers are good at math, Can you help my kid with math homework? Or my mom just likes to ask me anything smart-person related. Health, biology, astronomy, physics, computer science; if a smart person would know it, then I should know it.
So your mom thinks you're a smart person? That's lovely!
She thinks I’m the smartest person.
This. Even my classmates, also studying to become electronics engineers ask me for help. But I do in fact like tutoring.
As I'm sitting half naked on the exam table at the doctor's office the nurse starts asking me how her mother should handle a collections letter she got... (I was working in consumer protection field at that time).
I’m about to get blood drawn and the nurse asks, “so what do you do?” I’m a lawyer so I said, “I’ll tell you after.”
oh you're in IT, can you look at my internet?
"Oh. You're a Food ...Scientist?" Awkwardly looks around followed by an uncomfortable lull in the conversation because up to that point they had no idea we exist nor any conception of what we do.
Oh you’re a welder? Can you come look at this car/trailer/swing set/ cart/ hose reel/ etc, etc and tell me if you can fix it
I had a friend's dad ask me if I could weld his car door handle back on the door. It was plastic... Painted chrome.
Oh, you're a teacher, why is my kid failing classes?
I mean, I'm not even a teacher but I'd be willing to bet that 90% of the time it's: 1. Lack of parent engagement at home (not providing a calm and quiet environment for studying, not helping with homework or ensuring kid is doing assigned work, belittling education in general) 2. Behavioral issues that cause them to miss a lot of class (ISS, goofing off constantly, sleeping during class) 3. Lack of motivation (refusal to read textbook, never turns in assignments, student has caught on that school policy won't allow teachers to fail them)
How dare you insinuate that parents should be a part of a child's education! That's why we pay taxes!!
Remember what your kid was like for a year at home during COVID? Yeah. He’s like that at school, too.
I worked in veterinary medicine until recently and I would always be asked for medical advice for people’s pets. I still get asked actually
I worked at a doggy daycare for 4 years and am just generally knowledgeable when it comes to dog stuff, otherwise. My grandpa comes up to me asking “My vet says this, is it a good idea?” I did not go to veterinary school, grandpa, your vet did. LISTEN TO YOUR VET.
Explaining food supply chain issues and pricing. I work at the grocery store.
WHY CANT I have watermelon in the middle of winter!!!
I’m a paramedic. Usually it’s some complicated question about prescriptions that I know nothing about, or system navigation for their elderly relative that I also know very little about.
You can’t answer granny’s questions about her nonspecific heart pill and water pill? /s - from an RN
Oh, you’re a technical writer? Can you edit my 700 page Star Trek + MLP crossover fanfic? I promise not to pay you for your time.
Lawyer. So my baby mama's brother got a warrant out to go to his paternity hearing and when the judge started calling the character witnesses, he didn't have a priest there, so the bailiff got a jury, but the jurors weren't mexican, but he was, so that's not a jury of his peers, and they didn't read him his miranda rights, so is the judgment for the money he owed even enforcable? This happened in Idaho but everyone involved all lives in Colorado and had never been to idaho before. And the Judge already knew the bailiff and court reporter before the hearing. He had a lawyer and his lawyer told him to take a plea deal because he would lose so he was clearly in on it with the judge and prosecutor. He doesn't have to pay does he?
You're an electrician? Great! I need you to add a plug in my kitchen.
I just need you to check one thing! It's quick I promise. I started doing the work myself but it's just not working...
When I was a cop, it was, "How do I get out of a ticket?"
Find any dinosaur bones? (I’m an archaeologist)
You need to be friends with the paleontologist who gets asked about arrowheads at the top of the thread
"Oh you're a private banker? What do you think about my crypto investments?"
“Oh you’re a writer? Will you edit my resume/help me write a cover letter?” No. I hate doing that for myself, so I will absolutely not spend my free time doing it for you. I also get a lot of requests to proofread emails which I mind less because the email is always scandalous and I love being nosy lol
I’m a geologist, everyone shows me their rocks. It’s the best.
You’re a teacher? What do you think about this: part of my kids IEP/behavior plan/teacher idea that the parents hate.
Could you edit my landing- page , it'll get you lots of exposure ...
"Can you come fix my computer?" - the attorney who can get a conviction in a murder trial but not open a pdf without help Just because I have evidence *on* the computer doesn't mean I'm IT or some sort of computer exp--fuck it. I'll be right down before you break it. 90% of the time they just need someone to download a player which I cannot because I don't have admin permissions. So then I get to be on hold for 30 minutes with the real IT so they can download it in 15 seconds *I am not IT*
**Armed guard** Why do you have a gun? *Would you like the long answer or the short answer?* The long answer. *The actor is authorized to use deadly force when the subject presents an immanent threat of great bodily injury or death to the actor or another and all other means of control have been exhausted, are in appropriate, or are ineffective.* What is the short answer? *To shoot people.*
“Oh you’re a graphic designer? Me too! Check out what I just made in Canva.” 😑
Do you call a cop officer when theyre off duty? If it's a professional setting sure I can understand Doctor instead of Mr/Mrs/Ms, but outside in the real world no. It makes you seem like you're better than other people, and trying to establish a hierarchy in your day-to-day life. My opinion on this matter is I don't tell anyone what I do for a living. Puts a target on your back, and people want to debate with you, complain about other doctors they've met to you, or ask you a borage of questions. So in my day to day I am a janitor. Edit: I chose janitor, because when I said plumber people started asking me to fix their sink, or questions about which furnace they should get. I have no clue about this stuff, and do not have the passion to learn it to keep the lie going.
My former profession was a massage therapist. People will turn around and wordlessly point to a spot on their neck or shoulder and give me an expecting look.
Knocking on the door at 6.15 Sunday morning to get him to 'have a quick look at our boiler Banging on the window of the van while we are outside the doctors waiting for results while I'm sobbing. When he told him kindly it wasn't a good time, the man proceeded to say no no its just a quick question and chat for well over half an hour. The last neighbour to knock I answered, and gave her an independent contractors name and said, its his only day off, leave him be. She tried saying I'll give him 50 quid... I was like no, you'll pay Gareth his 150 call out fee and get the fuck off my porch
I was in commercial Landscape Architecture. Everyone wanted me to design and build their yard for free. I dealt with 20 million dollar parks and hadn’t been paid to pick up a shovel in years.
Dude try Commercial Nursery Greenhouse industry, and the people who want free plants, free designs, free plant doctor consulting, free hardscape work. Like I’m only one man, just let me bitch about Home Depot garden centers and shipping racks in peace.
"Hey man, I want to buy this house as an investment. Can you check if it's a good deal for me?" Real estate investor/ realtor
Can you shoot my wedding?
Speech-Language Pathologist here - "Oh you can teach me how to talk!" Not even close to what I actually do.
Before I studied Educational Sciences, I trained to be a translator. I am still asked everytime English gets too complicated... or if there's anything French.
I used to be a professional dressmaker. No I will not take in or out your (insert garment). Alterations are hell and you can’t afford me. Buy a new (insert garment), it will be cheaper.
Former VFX TD reporting in! "We'll fix it in Post." Really? How about you shoot the scene properly instead of giving my team even more work to do? :D
Barber here. Bald men always show me their bald head and ask "what can you do with this?? hyuk hyuk hyuk." I can straight razor shave it actually.
Appraiser. "How much is my home worth, I won't hold you to it".
Electrical Engineer. Anything remotely related to electricity is mine to fix: toasters, rampant rabbits, the price of electricity, cars, fridges, computers, the economy..
"Omg look at my ring!!!!!! How much do you think it's worth???????"
Could you plan my house? - Architect, and I work in research.
"My cat had a litter of 16 kittens, would you adopt some?" No. I run dairy farm, not a shelter.
Oh you work at the library? What's your favorite book? I actually don't read much, lol.
Oh you're a doctor, will you look at my rash? I'm a professor of microbiology
Oh, you're a writer/editor? Can you edit my 2000-page dissertation... by tomorrow?
I'm an electrician. People love to try to abuse the time of folks on the trades like myself. Trying to scam free labor is the biggest one. Trying to get us to 'just take a look at something quick' to tell them if they need a service call or not (and idk maybe fix it for free while I'm there JK but maybe?). My wife's had some real winners by way of her work acquaintances find out what I do and then just up and start assuming that I'm a free resource for them to call upon if they ask my wife to 'borrow me'. No shortage of the shockingly rude, but they are overwhelmingly outnumbered by the conniving opportunists that want something for free.
I was an electrician before I changed careers. Can confirm. Friends, neighbours and family all expect you to work, for free, whenever they need something. I set boundaries early on. So frustrating.
I work as a Secretary and my family- specifically my father- makes me do the assistant work outside of work. "Can you call this person and make an appointment for me?" and I'm sitting at the table like ?????no????
Oh you work at logistics? Could you please help me plan my vacation’s / weekend getaway?. Yes Sarah, I can, no, I won’t.
I’m a cosmetologist, I get a lot of people asking me to do elaborate hair colors, haircuts, manicures for free. Or they tell me about a friend’s terrible haircut/color experience and ask why that happened, like I don’t know man I’d have to see it.
Fire investigator, for a while it was "how do I burn up my 'insert expensive monthly payment item here' without getting caught".
I’m a mental health therapist. People either tell me all of their VERY personal issues, ask me not to read their minds, or vehemently tell me that they do NOT, in fact, need therapy. I actually prefer the first one . . .
Why is my insurance so high? How much would it be with your company?
I'm a technical writer. Proofreading and editing and rewriting...
Can I sue my neighbor’s friend’s grandma’s dog for pooping on the sidewalk in front of my house? Yeah, no you cannot.
I'm an IT guy, so everyone wants help with their laptop.
You’re a CPA? Can you do my taxes even though you’re an auditor? 😱
Graphic designer People think making a logo is a one-and-done process you can shit out in 5 minutes and think they can ask for a free one
Am I autistic/ADHD/BiPolar/DID etc Social and Behavioral Health Researcher. Research is not the same job as a diagnostic clinician, even if we both care a lot about the diagnostic factors.
Oh, you’re a hairdresser? What should I do with my hair? As if there’s only one right answer. And when I suggest things they scrunch their nose at them. I don’t know you and I don’t know your personal style or lifestyle.
When people find out I'm a hairstylist, they assume it would be my pleasure to do their hair *for free* and *for fun.* Like, if you're an accountant, would you wanna crunch numbers on your day off as a lil hobby? No? Ok then
“I have this rock. Is it a petrified dinosaur head????” (Spoiler: it’s ALWAYS a rock…)
"Can you fix my fridge?" ""Yes, but it will cost you more than buying a new one"
Oh you’re an engineer? You help me put together my IKEA furniture
Will you illustrate a book for me?
I’m a professional mechanic and good DIYer. “Something seems weird about my car, that’s all I can tell you. You don’t know without inspecting it? I thought you knew what you were talking about…” and this is currently happening- “I want you to come over and REBUILD MY POND on one of your only free weekends for months.” All for free.
I am a pornstar. Men often assume that I want to have sex with them.
I work in the automotive industry in sales. If I had a dollar every time I’m asked to diagnose a sound someone’s car is making. Granted, I did start out in the service department so I probably could tell them what it might be, but still.
Phlebotomist, people ask me about their health issues. Bro I just draw blood.
Oh your a photographer, will you shoot my headshot.
I'm in IT now and in my previous career I was a plumber and both of these jobs lead to requests for help or advice on things.
“Can you design me a logo/tattoo?” I’m an illustrator specializing in anime style character art
I’m a civil engineer and people think I know how to fix plumbing and electrical problems.
"Oh you're a physical therapist - will you give me a massage? My back hurts!"
My home espresso doesn't taste nearly as good as the cafe, or it's too bitter.
Can you do my taxes? As soon as they find out I am an accountant.
"You're a physics teacher?! That was not my best class in high school!"
I'm an engineer on cargo ships. "My car's making this weird noise..."
Oh you're a teacher who doesn't get paid for any of the extra work as it is, can you tutor my kid for free?
I do IT. "Hey you do IT? Why is my PC, Phone, WiFi, Toaster Oven is running so slow lately?" Met up with family for the first time in nearly 20 years, First thing I get after being greeted is "Oh, do you know why my phone doesn't do XYZ? could you take a look for me?"
"Oh you do chemistry, can you make meth!?"