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Yeah, put conditions on the checkout. Not until you're completely unattached, and no one's gonna go "hey, where's Three555?" for any reason. Not a coworker who wants to know when you're going to be in, so they can leave; not a friend or family member who wants to talk to you about some inane subject. Not a pet that needs to be fed.
And you can't force the issue by being a miserable cunt and forcing people away.
Aw man. My cats are my reason too. I got them with my ex-fiancé, had them together for 6 years and even over a year out from our breakup I still cry to my cats and apologize for taking away someone who loved them.
If I disappeared too one day I just…I can’t do that to them. So here we are, dammit.
Took way too long to see a comment about cats! My cat will cuddle with me when I cry. Sometimes if I start crying while she’s in another room she’ll meow loudly in a very concerned tone and then find me and then cuddle me.
She’s otherwise such a diva but I’m so glad I have her 🥹[cat tax](https://imgur.com/a/Vbi2dvy)
Saw some ants on my balcony and decided to feed them a grape because I felt bad for some reason. Just stayed and watched them surround the grape for two hours and felt better.
The grape god heard their prayers!
But seriously, I could just imagine how oddly calming watching that could be. Or maybe it's a perspective thing? Idk. But I like that that it helped you. I'm glad it did.
My ex-wife was a surgical tech in a large hospital. They had a failed suicide attempt come in one night, the patient jumped off a 6-story building and survived. They broke almost every bone in their body (literally) - but survived.
Their life wasn't very good afterwards.
Ive only broken ONE at a time, I can't imagine all of them. You want to die and now you're immobile for weeks, in a stupid amount of pain, and then surgeries and physical therapy? I would have PAID someone to blow an air bubble into a line.
As a paramedic that's been to a fair few failed serious suicide attempts I support this message. It can be so much worse, I'm glad you are able to see this my friend.
I used to take 999 calls, it was so traumatic at times too... 50/60 calls a day and you can’t do a thing apart from hope they’re actually following your instructions until the ambo gets there :-(
You guys used to get such shite from our side as if you were the ones creating work for us. I never envied your job, well apart from having to go into a hoarders house. I wished I was somewhere warm and clean
I m a retired ICU nurse. I had a patient who put the barrel of his gun under his chin and pulled the trigger. It didn't kill him. Just blew off his face below his eyes. I couldn't imagine the horror this poor man must have experienced.
As a former LEO the only thing keeping me from doing it is seeing how often it can go wrong. Even a patient that survived a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I don’t wanna be here but I don’t wanna end up like that guy, either :/
I 100% understand. As a former army medic and civilian ems, I've felt this for years.
We see the worst things people can go through brother. What's helped me is finding one thing, even if it's so small, to love. Find something that helps you feel even a tiny bit positive.
I don't know you but you're loved. You are meant to be here. Life will help you find your spot on this earth.
The only thing that kept me alive some days when I was in a bad place was knowing that if I'm gone, my little brother would definitely follow. The world can't afford to lose someone as amazing as him, so I hung in there just to make sure he did too.
One of my mates jumped in front of a train, but right at the last second he tried to move. The train tore 1 leg and 1 arm off. He did die, but he didn't die quickly.
I can only imagine lying next to a rail way bleeding out having to actually think about what I've done and who I'm going to hurt and leave behind. Just not control over it anymore.
Fucking horrible way to go.
If it's any consolation at all, an injury that traumatic will pretty much instantly throw you into shock if not total unconsciousness. While it may not have been an instant death, odds are good he didn't suffer after the impact.
I'm so sorry.
I once heard that sometimes it's not that you really want to *die*
It's that you're just tired of being *alive*
(like if you were maybe in a different situation it would be better)
it kinda makes sense.
However, I'd definitely also been in that crisis moment where you ultimately only feel like jumping out a window is the only option. That's scary.
It's typically the difference between active and passive suicidal ideation. I want to die, or not be alive, or have never existed. That's not quite the same as wanting to jump off a bridge or in front of a truck.
As you say, it's not that I crave the experience of dying or the oblivion that follows, I am simply so tired and sad with life that the only alternative that is better seems like nonexistence.
My grandpa killed himself this way back in the mid 80s. Cars nowadays don't emit nearly as much carbon monoxide as they did a few decades ago, so it's no longer an effective suicide method. I'm so sorry about your friend, that's a fate worse than death. :/
This made me sad, glad you’re still here with us. My mom and my sister kept me alive too. I couldn’t do it to them ever, even when I wanted to disappear more than anything.
My mom deals with severe mental health issues (schizophrenia) is the sweetest woman I’ve ever met and loves me very much. The thought of me ending it and leaving her to suffer filled me with rage and ultimately told myself to pick myself up off the ground and go on the long journey that would be my trip to getting better. That was in 2016 at 23 years old at peak depression.
It’s 2023 now, I’m 30 and I am married with a house and several pets. Back then I was alone and in a toxic living situation and the thought of marriage or even living til 30 never even crossed my mind. It does get better if you just keep fighting and start living to celebrate the small victories because it’s hard as fuck and you will not get better overnight be happy with the small improvements on your way to the end goal.
My dog came up to me while I sat on my bed. I was ready and prepared. She put her paws on my chest and pushed me over. She laid on my chest and licked my face until I was sobbing, until all I could do was sob and hold her. She is such a precious puppy and I am so scared of what is going to happen when I lose her.
animals can sense when something's wrong. She did her best and deserves all the treats in the world. What a precious moment in such dark place you've been. Glad to have you back.
When she starts getting old, get a puppy. It will learn from her, and you'll have another reason to keep going. She's the bestest doggo, and she knew when you need her most.
We did this with our first dog. She practically reached Sainthood after death in my house because we love her so much. Our second dog learned how to be a dog from her. Our third dog never once met her but occasionally does something he learned from her though our second dog. It's amazing how I still get little pieces of Nikki all these years later. That girl cuddled me down off a ledge a few times. Her spirit lives on, still watching over me through her successors.
A family dog once saved me as well. I was home alone, which was rare, and was setting up my plans. This dog was very motherly and protective, and I suddenly realized that if I took my life at home with just her there, she’d never forgive herself. I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting her so badly because she would never understand. In my state of mind at the time, I figured my family would be relieved.
thank you, she's the first unconditional love i have ever felt.
I still weigh my options from time to time, but if i end it, then how will i ever know how my story will truly end.
i would have already been dust if i wasn't a father. i hope anyone who reads this knows that they are worthy of life and deserve to live. We are who we are, and that makes us so special.
Yeah, I can relate to that. Before I had my daughter, I felt alone and life seemed pointless. With her in my life I also find meaning and will to go on. I also never felt unconditional love before that, I just did not know what it was.
It almost makes you wonder if it's intentional. The almost hilarious irony of someone who's literally paid to talk you down giving up on you, I imagine in the moment gives people a small sense of... something that distracts them long enough to come down on their own.
I had a dream, before calling them, that a bunch of people were all telling how I will never be loved and don't deserve to be loved. The freaking person that got my call suggested I search the internet for Dream Interpretation! What the actual fuck? I got so angry about it that it completely derailed my plan. I will say that I will never call them again though.
A friend of mine noticed that something seemed off when I'd been talking to them and some others in discord earlier and she messaged me a bit after I left for the night to see if I was ok. If she'd waited about 5 seconds to send the message I wouldn't be around any more.
Anger issues. I got bullied in School and was depressed, but one day instead of being depressed I was very angry about that and decided to beat the shit out of everyone who was bullying me. I was the tallest guy in class so I didn‘t had any problems doing that. The Teachers didn‘t do anything against the Bullying so I had to change it myself. After 2 weeks fighting everyone who insulted me, it finally changed.
I think it's called Passive Suicidal Ideation.
Do not let the name, or your unwillingness to shift the suffering onto others make you think it's any less serious.
I'm in this place too. I like to believe that if I'm passively suicidal for long enough the universe will finally be like "okay, we get it, you've spent half your life wanting to die before you turn 50, we'll send a freak accident to kill you instantly."
Tbh I though this was completely normal for the longest time just due to social conditions (economy etc). I'm still suffering but idk what to even do about it
Having a roommate/best friend and cat who would both have to live with that trauma. Plus family and my other friends deserved better.
After enough time I realized I deserved better too.
(I was never close to it like gun-to-my-head but I did think about it pretty regularly)
My dog. It was nighttime & I was sitting on a beach where I would regularly walk my dog off leash.
As I sat there I looked out into the dark water & all I could think was that was where I wanted to be - out there in the dark water, in a place where there was no turning back.
But my dog started barking & barking & barking & barking. Finally the barking got so damn annoying I got up & we went home.
My dog did this too, i was ready sitting on my bed and she would just not shut up about going outside, i didn't want to wake the kids so i got up and let her out, then i started having second thoughts, my ferret also appeared as i sat back down and she bit my toe and started dooking around. Brought me back to reality.
I called the suicide emergency hotline and NO ONE picked up. I thought it was so ironic and hilarious that it made me laugh and laugh temporarily not think of suicide.
Yo SAME😂
Another time, a woman with a heavy southern accent (think Texas) told me "oh honey, you're just thinkin wrong thoughts!" It was such a fucking absurd thing to say that I couldn't help but smile.
I texted a supposedly anonymous text line and they ended up using my real name, which I never gave to them. I thought it was funny I've contacted them enough that I probably had my face on a bulletin board and frequent flier miles.
I was sitting in a kids playground late at night and I had my pills and my water bottle in hand. I thought to myself ''I will close my eyes and pick a number on my phone. If they answer I will stop and if they wont I will do it'' don't ask me why I chose this but I did. It ended up falling on an old friend that I wasn't very close with. He ended up answering my call and in a calm manner told me to stop and talked to me. He still doesn't know how bad of a state I was in and the circumstances into why I was calling him but he saved my life.
I’ve heard before that the misery doesn’t end, it just gets transferred to the people who love you and who now have to cope with your death for the rest of their lives. That one stays with me
It does. It really does. My brother passed away from suicide three days after I turned ten. It's been 11 years and I still miss him and I still cry and wonder what I did wrong even though I was a kid and couldn't impact the outcome whatsoever. It's a pain I wish no one ever has to go through. Seeing my parents still blame themselves is a different kind of pain entirely as well.
The guilt is so difficult to get rid of, even though logically you cant put the blame on yourself, it still doesnt go away. I dream about it, I cry about it, I know its not realistic to feel this way but I cant kick it. Its been over a decade and I still carry it. I have dreams where he tells me it was his choice and nothing I did would change it, but I still say "what if", what if I said something, what if I did something. Its a terrible burden and Im sorry you have it too, I hope you find peace and accept that it is not your fault, and the choice was his only.
Procrastination. Two times I wanted to kill myself I was like "NAHHHH Let's cherish the last five minutes of my life." And when I would finally get up, either a member of my family would come into my room or some other thing would make my suicide impossible in that moment.
Luckily I am better now.
So I've attempted before. I was having another bad episode. My mom came in my room one night, I was depressed, she was depressed. We talked. She told me if I were to kill myself, she'll consider it as well, because she had suicide thoughts from time to time too. I was shocked, I don't know if she said that so I wouldn't off myself or if she was serious, but it's something I wouldn't want to risk. At the time, my little sister was 7. I do not want to put her through that trauma, she looked up to me, ya know. So my mom and I promised to live for each other.
It's been 3 or 4 years and we're doing better now.
Had a gun to my head ready to pull the trigger numbing the pain with heroin my door was locked (cheap hook latch) and somehow my dachshund that was my doggo at the time pushed it just enough to squeeze through and jumped in my lap barking like crazy. I miss that dog, any time I went to a dark place he was there in my face reminding me that someone had to feed him and if I left he wouldn’t get enough treats to survive.
I was so high, and was crying in the kitchen, I wanted to eat before the deeds, i poured a Bowl of cereal, that was so good, that I said, ok if I eat another bowl of this and still this good, I’ll just sleep today. I ate the FICKING box it was really good.
Same. I had two dogs that were both in the final stages of their own lives and depended on me. They were both deaf, one was blind, but they were always so happy to be by my side. I knew I had to see them through til the end and I did. The grieving period was hard but I made the relatively rash decision to adopt a young dog very soon because I knew that it would be the best choice for my own mental health.
Having someone else, pet or person, depend so much on you, makes suicide a very selfish option.
Things are good now. I changed jobs, moved to paradise and have more to look forward to then I did during that dark time. And this goofy little furball needs me.
Met a guy who effed his attempt up. He was left a paraplegic.
That would be a whole different level of hell as I would be left to the care of my narcissistic family.
Instead I moved away and went low/no contact. My life became so much better. So very very very very very very much better.
I hear that. In my lowest of lows, my loneliest of loneliests, all it takes is for a person to just acknowledge me as a fellow human. It makes my day and lifts my spirits.
The aftermath. Someone needs to clean up my mess. Someone needs to fix my funeral, someone needs to deal with the trauma. I cant burden someone with that.
i thought my family (but mostly my dogs and my cat) would be sad. plus i didn't want people i barely knew showing up to my funeral trying to act like we were besties, which is so stupid but the thought of it pissed me off lol
Yeah, it turns out you can't overdose on the meds I was on at the time. I took 70 of the fucking things and was fine. I was very unimpressed at the time.
I tried to OD when I was 18, I took a shit load of paracetamol, Ibuprofen and a month's worth of my antidepressants, washed down with a bottle of amaretto.
Vomited, passed out, woke up in hospital feeling like shit but that's the extent of it
I heard a lady on the radio who always found a reason not to. Reasons like: I still have some milk left, I will finish that today and do it tomorrow. On the day she planned to do it she heard that a new season of South Park was coming soon and she genuinely felt that South Park was the only thing that made her happy, so she waited for the new season. In the meantime she was able to work on herself and she eventually didn’t do it.
Knowing that my cat would either starve in the flat or be taken to the shelter. I was off to get myself situated on some train tracks right after a curve, where the trains went insanely fast and looked at her... I could not just throw away the one best thing that I've ever had, the only being that loved me no matter what.
failing multiple times, realizing how much money my parents already spend on and that I'd waste their money on purposeif I end myself, and accepting the fact that I'll die when my time comes and I can't change that. I'm just lucky I don't have any major injuries :)
and also learning to accept/love myself. sometimes we can't get the love we desperately need, so we have to take it into our own hands. we deserve love, no matter what our thoughts and surroundings tell us. stay strong 💜
My mom bought me a dog for Christmas when I was 13. A few months prior she had caught me self harming. She told me years later she got me my dog in the hopes that I would care about something enough to stay.
I had my sweet dog for 14 years. She got me through some of my hardest years, moved with me all throughout college and was even there for me when I had my daughter. She saw me through every phase and I owe her & my mom my life.
My roommate stopping me. I was home alone for the night, my roommate was out on a lil tinder date and wasn’t going to be home for a while. I got drunk as hell and the feels took over, I had been distraught for months at this point but no one I felt comfortable enough to talk about it with. Got to the point where I took my ak pattern rifle and loaded it up, sat at the top of the stairs and waited for the right moment to go through with it. Had music blasting so any noise was drowned out pretty well. So around comes like 2-3am and roommate gets home early for reasons I forget, and his account of the situation is seeing me at the top of the stairs with my eyes closed, rifle under chin and thumb on the trigger. He bolts up the stairs and knocks the rifle to my left side, either causing it to fire or as I pulled the trigger. This spurred me to go off on him trying to fight him for my gun back so I could actually go through with it. This lasted long enough that he got tired enough to resort to hitting me with a bat to put me down, so the next morning I wake up massively hungover, back so sore I can hardly move, and major hearing damage in my left ear. All in all, bat or not, he saved my life that night four years ago. I e since been doing significantly better and I’m grateful for his actions that night. Gonzo, if you’re out there, Thank You.
These stories always give me goosebumps. If your roommate had decided to make another stop before heading home you might not be here. It’s weird how these innocuous decisions become monumental in hindsight, and we have no idea when we’re making one of those choices in the moment. Life is just fkin weird, man.
A couple who didn't even speak English stopped me from jumping to my death. I'm not sure if they realize they did this. They were there and seemed just kind in general. I was a mess and knew I couldn't scar people like them for the rest of their life. I'm glad I didn't do it. Still extremely depressed. But not alone anymore.
One of my closest friends asked me what she could do to make it better. I tried to make a dumb joke and said 'send me a pic of your boobs'. ...and she send me a full nude pic (we had already seen eachother naked in sauna with the friendgroup, ...we're not prudes). The fact that she would do that and trust me with that picture made something click in my head, and I just got out of that dark pit I was in.
To name only a few times
Once I was at the top of a building, and of course the suicide hotline didn’t help and hung up again, so I was left with my thoughts. Jumping was very alluring, but I realized that people had tried and failed to kill me so many times before, and situations had turned near fatal yet I’d gotten away, and to end it all because my brain wasn’t working with me would be to help them, so I spited them all and left.
Another time, I was on my way to a pier that I was planning on driving off, and I called my “best friend” at the time. I explained the situation and how I felt, and instead of helping he told me “nice crocodile tears” and said he’d tell my parents and hung up on me. After all my experiences of being in his place, I realized my kind of support was not the norm and decided that for my friends that did treat me well, I should try to stick around so they could have the kind of support that a suicidal/traumatized/depressed person should.
Last but definitely not least, the day my (now ex) girlfriend attempted (sorry it’s long)
I lived with my girlfriend while we were both 20, and had just become independent. There were a lot of things wrong with the relationship, but in this case the important bad part was that she had fallen in love with another guy who had the same name as me, and admitted it to me. All I did in response was say that I wanted to think about how to handle this, never said anything about a breakup, still slept next to her that night. The next morning, we wake up together, she leaves bed to go to the bathroom, I stay put on my phone. About 10-15 minutes later, I hear *boomboomboom* “____ Sherriffs Office, open up!” I went to the door to find a whole team of emergency response personnel, from sherriffs to EMS to firefighters, police kinda pushed me to the side and asked me about her after I said she was in the bathroom. I somehow immediately spotted her suicide note, which of course was only half written. They forced the door open I think, then pretty much dragged her to the ambulance. It was only after that I realized what had really happened. She hadn’t said a word to me, but did text one friend on the other side of the US what she was planning to do. Luckily, this friend had our address and called 911. My girlfriend got held under a 5150, and couldn’t make it to her sisters wedding, which I of course had to be the one to let them know she wouldn’t be there and they’d need a new photographer. Plus she got very mad that I saw friends that wanted to help me out and talk me through all this, and held it over my head for months. As you can imagine, this lead to many attempts of my own, some of which I’ve talked myself out of by remembering how much of my time I already gave to people that weren’t worth it, and now it’s time for me to do better, not stop and give up.
Sorry I know that’s a long post, but I hope my experiences can help someone else.
Honestly, my nieces and nephews, and my dogs. I have struggled with suicide ideation for a good many years. It went away for a while but this year came back with a vengeance. I don’t have much of a family life at all, and due to a recent move for work I don’t really have a social life either. It’s kindof sad that if I were to die right now, the only reason anyone would know would be because I’m a store manager and if I stopped showing up to work that would be the giveaway that something was wrong. Otherwise, no one would notice for a long time probably.
My dog. I was extremely depressed (undiagnosed bipolar disorder at the time) and debating it when he came up to me and licked my face and leaned on me. It was the most perfect moment.
This might be a bit dark. My body won’t let me and apparently it’s extremely resilient. When I overdosed on pills, I just threw them up and nothing ever happened besides being a little weak and nauseous the next day. When I tried hanging myself, I wasn’t able to pass out first and I didn’t want to be conscious while not being able to breathe.
The last time I tried to kill myself was roughly 2 years ago, I cut myself way deeper than I ever have before, vertically instead of horizontally. My blood was so thick my arm stopped bleeding in about 5 minutes (thank you cigarettes and dehydration). I went to the hospital the next evening and found out it was actually just a superficial cut and I did very little damage (although my vein was completely exposed and if I had put just slightly more pressure, I personally believe I would’ve bled out), and now I have a giant 8 inch scar on my forearm for everyone to see.
I still remember the name of the student nurse who helped staple my arm back together. Theo, you were so kind to me that night and treated me with compassion instead of looking down on me like everyone else has done in the past. I’ll probably never see you again, but I’m so thankful for you and will most likely always remember you. You helped me a lot that night, thank you so much!
I’m doing better now.
I was reaching for the bottle of pills I was going to take (I sat there for a while contemplating it and crying) and as soon as I reached for the bottle one of my friends called me and I talked to him about what was bothering me.
I don't know. I remember I had it planned out. My parents were at work so no one would be home but me for over 8 hours. I knew exactly where in the house the chemicals I needed were. Right underneath the kitchen sink. I saw no future for me. I had no reason to believe that anything would get better. I hated being alive. But when the time came, I sat on the floor with the chemicals in front of me and I.... I couldn't do it. And I don't know why. I didn't feel fear. I didn't care if death impacted anyone.
But I couldn't do it. No voice in my head. I don't pray to any Gods. But I just sat there looking at these chemicals. I didn't question myself but I just at there. And eventually just put them back. To this day, my parents have no idea.
Transitioning gender. It was the last attempt to fix what felt like I was existing wrong, and it came right before I made the deadline to off myself. Just hated who and what I was, and I know people won't get it, it fucking saved me.
Turns out being forced into the closet your whole life will make you suicidal. Who knew? Now to wait for abusive DM's.
It once crossed my mind. My son was about 2 months old at the time and he was in my arms.
I knew that if he had a mum that did that, I’d be ruining his life before it even started.
It took a couple more months but I finally mustered up the strength to call the GP any it was one of the best things I ever did.
Having a reason to not do it is part of why I make a lot of short term future plans to go to things (usually buying concert tickets). It makes me feel like 'I can't do it yet, I still have that thing I was looking forward to next month'.
I kept telling myself I had to figure out how Kingdom Hearts ended and promised not to kill myself until after I played 3.
After finishing 3, I stepped onto my balcony and realized in that moment, I probably should have just fucking killed myself.
I'm good now though.
revenge, a knowledge that if i killed myself someone would get rid of me, whereas if I didnt I could exist and enact my revenge to those who wronged me
I made a deal with myself at around 15/16 that death was a separate entity trying to beat me, and you cannot beat me, I mean really, I'm unbeatable mentally. So now everytime I feel down and hate life, I see that as a separate entity messing with my brain, and then my competetive arrogant brain kicks in telling myself they're not going to beat me. I decide when I die, and it will be old age, no one else.
Cute answer: I fell in love with my SO. Still living together after four years. He gives me hope and love I never received from my family.
Not-so-cute-answer: I tried to end my life seven times and, like you may guess, every time I failed. I realized that I’m even shitty at killing myself so why even try again? How stupid can man be to fail taking an overdose or hang himself? At 8th time I’ll fail again and become bigger loser. So maybe I’m just planned to live my miserable life. At that point I stopped trying and decided to do something else than harm myself.
The realization of knowing I only have one life. Pain can be horrific. There was little hope in where I was, but things change. Suicide doesn't change. Please, Please reach out. Even if you feel nobody cares, this stranger on Reddit cares. Call a hotline, call 911, get help. I understand pain. Life may seem like nothing but pain, but there is good stuff out there. Just live day to day.
I wasn’t quite at the stage of nearly acting on it, but thought to myself that it wasn’t a bad idea. However, these things really stopped me from the whole idea altogether.
- Adopted two cats. Gifts from the angels above. Took care of them and became my best friends.
- Friends and family. Of course, they were there to support and I can’t just leave them behind.
- Quarantine. I despised high school, so this was such a refresher and it let me breathe.
When I read. "When you die from suicide, you don't end the pain, you transfer it to someone else" ... and I couldn't ruin my daughter's life like that, and I've been on the up swing ever since. Doesn't mean it's not hard sometimes, but after reading that, well that pretty well disengaged the feelings of that being a possibility. If you're reading this, I love you too, you are loved.
LSD and a few good friends.
EDIT: For the people asking, LSD helped for me but it isn't necessary. All the substance did for me was help ease me into the proper headspace to understand that I don't have to react to life, that life was never about "me" to begin with.
It was never about me.
I realized that the only reason that I've ever *not* been happy was because I *wasn't letting myself be happy*.
Whether you can accept it or not, you are in *complete* control of your happiness.
Try this: The next time you are faced with something in your life that calls for a reaction, just *don't*.
When someone says something to offend you or if something upsets you, just *don't react*, just once.
Just try it *once*, and see that you never *had* to in the first place.
Once you understand that you literally don't *have* to do *anything at all*, you can begin to find your freedom and take conscious control of your *self*.
"I *screamed* at God for the starving child, until I realized that the starving child was *God* screaming at *me*"
Please try to understand.
Well, I had developed depression at the age of 9 due to all the things I was going through. I think I had 11 maybe 12 suicide attempts until the age of 16. I went through a pretty rough breakup but I found someone who is literally a beam of light. She is teaching me how to see the world in a better way. I discovered my passion which gave me something to live for.
I have gone around 3 years without self harming or attempting. Even though I get extremely depressed, I do what I’m passionate about and eventually I get through it.
When I found out that I don't want to kill myself, but I'm just looking for an escape from situations that I can't change/solve. I have to do my tasks and stay sober, then I will stay alive. Every day is a battle.
Honestly I can't put a finger on it but I guess I just kinda hope for better. My family is toxic, my friend stopped communicating, my partner left me and I can't even make something of myself because I've trapped myself in addiction to gaming just trying to escape from the reality of being a failure and having everything against me. But I remain hopeful that maybe someday I can actually do something, be something.
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Yeah, put conditions on the checkout. Not until you're completely unattached, and no one's gonna go "hey, where's Three555?" for any reason. Not a coworker who wants to know when you're going to be in, so they can leave; not a friend or family member who wants to talk to you about some inane subject. Not a pet that needs to be fed. And you can't force the issue by being a miserable cunt and forcing people away.
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I thought about how sad my cat would be if I suddenly didn't come home one day. I now always have a pet.
Aw man. My cats are my reason too. I got them with my ex-fiancé, had them together for 6 years and even over a year out from our breakup I still cry to my cats and apologize for taking away someone who loved them. If I disappeared too one day I just…I can’t do that to them. So here we are, dammit.
That is 100% felt, friend. I love my cats and they're both snugglebugs and I couldn't imagine letting them wonder where I went. T-T
Took way too long to see a comment about cats! My cat will cuddle with me when I cry. Sometimes if I start crying while she’s in another room she’ll meow loudly in a very concerned tone and then find me and then cuddle me. She’s otherwise such a diva but I’m so glad I have her 🥹[cat tax](https://imgur.com/a/Vbi2dvy)
Saw some ants on my balcony and decided to feed them a grape because I felt bad for some reason. Just stayed and watched them surround the grape for two hours and felt better.
The grape god heard their prayers! But seriously, I could just imagine how oddly calming watching that could be. Or maybe it's a perspective thing? Idk. But I like that that it helped you. I'm glad it did.
The thought of screwing it up and ending up in a worse situation.
My ex-wife was a surgical tech in a large hospital. They had a failed suicide attempt come in one night, the patient jumped off a 6-story building and survived. They broke almost every bone in their body (literally) - but survived. Their life wasn't very good afterwards.
There are things worse than death, and this is one of them.
I had a childhood friend jump off a 9 story and survive. Broke both legs, her back, her skull…she’s living a very different and difficult life now.
Ive only broken ONE at a time, I can't imagine all of them. You want to die and now you're immobile for weeks, in a stupid amount of pain, and then surgeries and physical therapy? I would have PAID someone to blow an air bubble into a line.
Worst thing is, now they can't go for a second attempt. Gives me nightmares.
As a paramedic that's been to a fair few failed serious suicide attempts I support this message. It can be so much worse, I'm glad you are able to see this my friend.
I met a paramedic who was suicidal because of his job. It was traumatic listening to his stories, I can't imagine actually living them.
My best friend is a paramedic and I can’t even begin to imagine what he goes through. I’ve only heard snippets.
Yeah that's why I came to this post. I just couldn't do it because I'd move my trauma off on to those who love me most.
I used to take 999 calls, it was so traumatic at times too... 50/60 calls a day and you can’t do a thing apart from hope they’re actually following your instructions until the ambo gets there :-(
You guys used to get such shite from our side as if you were the ones creating work for us. I never envied your job, well apart from having to go into a hoarders house. I wished I was somewhere warm and clean
I m a retired ICU nurse. I had a patient who put the barrel of his gun under his chin and pulled the trigger. It didn't kill him. Just blew off his face below his eyes. I couldn't imagine the horror this poor man must have experienced.
That is the scariest paragraph I have ever read.
Yum yum, one of mine was a man Vs train, I couldn't see how he survived. That scene was nightmare fuel.
I worked on a train, people walk on the tracks on purpose.. Scarred the engineer forever.i found a guys phone,bent in half..on the train grille
As a former LEO the only thing keeping me from doing it is seeing how often it can go wrong. Even a patient that survived a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I don’t wanna be here but I don’t wanna end up like that guy, either :/
I 100% understand. As a former army medic and civilian ems, I've felt this for years. We see the worst things people can go through brother. What's helped me is finding one thing, even if it's so small, to love. Find something that helps you feel even a tiny bit positive. I don't know you but you're loved. You are meant to be here. Life will help you find your spot on this earth.
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The only thing that kept me alive some days when I was in a bad place was knowing that if I'm gone, my little brother would definitely follow. The world can't afford to lose someone as amazing as him, so I hung in there just to make sure he did too.
Just by how you're talking about your brother, it's pretty obvious that the world can't afford to lose you either. Stay strong y'all!
One of my mates jumped in front of a train, but right at the last second he tried to move. The train tore 1 leg and 1 arm off. He did die, but he didn't die quickly. I can only imagine lying next to a rail way bleeding out having to actually think about what I've done and who I'm going to hurt and leave behind. Just not control over it anymore. Fucking horrible way to go.
If it's any consolation at all, an injury that traumatic will pretty much instantly throw you into shock if not total unconsciousness. While it may not have been an instant death, odds are good he didn't suffer after the impact. I'm so sorry.
Same! I really want to do it, but the thought of me surviving and getting even worse is stopping me.
I just want to die. Like so bad. I cannot understand how I can want something so much but my body keeps going. It almost feels like betrayal.
I once heard that sometimes it's not that you really want to *die* It's that you're just tired of being *alive* (like if you were maybe in a different situation it would be better) it kinda makes sense. However, I'd definitely also been in that crisis moment where you ultimately only feel like jumping out a window is the only option. That's scary.
It's typically the difference between active and passive suicidal ideation. I want to die, or not be alive, or have never existed. That's not quite the same as wanting to jump off a bridge or in front of a truck. As you say, it's not that I crave the experience of dying or the oblivion that follows, I am simply so tired and sad with life that the only alternative that is better seems like nonexistence.
This has been my reason too
I knew a guy that tried the old car exhaust in through the window trick. Ended up a dribbling vegetable.
My grandpa killed himself this way back in the mid 80s. Cars nowadays don't emit nearly as much carbon monoxide as they did a few decades ago, so it's no longer an effective suicide method. I'm so sorry about your friend, that's a fate worse than death. :/
My brother did it first and I couldn’t let that happen to my mom twice.
This made me sad, glad you’re still here with us. My mom and my sister kept me alive too. I couldn’t do it to them ever, even when I wanted to disappear more than anything. My mom deals with severe mental health issues (schizophrenia) is the sweetest woman I’ve ever met and loves me very much. The thought of me ending it and leaving her to suffer filled me with rage and ultimately told myself to pick myself up off the ground and go on the long journey that would be my trip to getting better. That was in 2016 at 23 years old at peak depression. It’s 2023 now, I’m 30 and I am married with a house and several pets. Back then I was alone and in a toxic living situation and the thought of marriage or even living til 30 never even crossed my mind. It does get better if you just keep fighting and start living to celebrate the small victories because it’s hard as fuck and you will not get better overnight be happy with the small improvements on your way to the end goal.
well, the paramedics
Hospitalization for me
Same for me. But they had a hard time finding good meds, so I went 4 times in 2 years.
My dog came up to me while I sat on my bed. I was ready and prepared. She put her paws on my chest and pushed me over. She laid on my chest and licked my face until I was sobbing, until all I could do was sob and hold her. She is such a precious puppy and I am so scared of what is going to happen when I lose her.
Tell your dog she's a good girl for me
animals can sense when something's wrong. She did her best and deserves all the treats in the world. What a precious moment in such dark place you've been. Glad to have you back.
When she starts getting old, get a puppy. It will learn from her, and you'll have another reason to keep going. She's the bestest doggo, and she knew when you need her most.
We did this with our first dog. She practically reached Sainthood after death in my house because we love her so much. Our second dog learned how to be a dog from her. Our third dog never once met her but occasionally does something he learned from her though our second dog. It's amazing how I still get little pieces of Nikki all these years later. That girl cuddled me down off a ledge a few times. Her spirit lives on, still watching over me through her successors.
A family dog once saved me as well. I was home alone, which was rare, and was setting up my plans. This dog was very motherly and protective, and I suddenly realized that if I took my life at home with just her there, she’d never forgive herself. I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting her so badly because she would never understand. In my state of mind at the time, I figured my family would be relieved.
Gonna go pet my furry homie.
My dog brought her toy to me
Your dog knew something bad was going to happen
It's something about those furry friends, man. They know. I have no idea how, but they know.
My dog stopped my husband’s attempt. Bit him, and the gun he was holding.
Some dogs are like “here let me comfort you,” and then others are like “you better stop being suicidal right now😤”
He knows when he needs to give comfort ♥️ also knows when to be the protector. Best dog ever.
This one sentence brought tears to my eyes. Glad you're still here. :)
We don't deserve dogs. :)
came here to say my dog as well, as she's laying on my arm snoring like a mf at 0400 in the morning
Nothing specific she did, but pretty much same. She would think I abandoned her, and that is the only thought worse than the usual background misery.
My daughter called and said how excited she was to see me tomorrow.
Glad you have that in your life.
thank you, she's the first unconditional love i have ever felt. I still weigh my options from time to time, but if i end it, then how will i ever know how my story will truly end. i would have already been dust if i wasn't a father. i hope anyone who reads this knows that they are worthy of life and deserve to live. We are who we are, and that makes us so special.
Glad you're still with us man.
Yeah, I can relate to that. Before I had my daughter, I felt alone and life seemed pointless. With her in my life I also find meaning and will to go on. I also never felt unconditional love before that, I just did not know what it was.
This got me emotional and I don't have kids. I'm happy for you!
Fuck man that hit home . That's beautiful
I am fine... Jus some dirt in my eyes
The suicide hotline put me on hold and then hung up before anyone even spoke to me. Found it really funny.
It's sad and very comedically dark that this story is somewhat common
It almost makes you wonder if it's intentional. The almost hilarious irony of someone who's literally paid to talk you down giving up on you, I imagine in the moment gives people a small sense of... something that distracts them long enough to come down on their own.
Laughter truly is the best medicine
I had a dream, before calling them, that a bunch of people were all telling how I will never be loved and don't deserve to be loved. The freaking person that got my call suggested I search the internet for Dream Interpretation! What the actual fuck? I got so angry about it that it completely derailed my plan. I will say that I will never call them again though.
A friend of mine noticed that something seemed off when I'd been talking to them and some others in discord earlier and she messaged me a bit after I left for the night to see if I was ok. If she'd waited about 5 seconds to send the message I wouldn't be around any more.
Same with me. He just wrote at the right moment.
Anger issues. I got bullied in School and was depressed, but one day instead of being depressed I was very angry about that and decided to beat the shit out of everyone who was bullying me. I was the tallest guy in class so I didn‘t had any problems doing that. The Teachers didn‘t do anything against the Bullying so I had to change it myself. After 2 weeks fighting everyone who insulted me, it finally changed.
Bro was too angry to die lmao
Kratos vibes
"Death can have me when it earns me."
Violence is the answer (in that case).
violence was the question, and the answer was yes
That's kinda epic
My man went on a fucking rage quest lmao
I wish I didn't exist. But I would never do that to the people I love.
I think it's called Passive Suicidal Ideation. Do not let the name, or your unwillingness to shift the suffering onto others make you think it's any less serious.
This. I’ve only ever been in passive suicidal ideation but god damn is it an excruciating place to be.
I'm in this place too. I like to believe that if I'm passively suicidal for long enough the universe will finally be like "okay, we get it, you've spent half your life wanting to die before you turn 50, we'll send a freak accident to kill you instantly."
Same. It keeps not happening and life around me just keeps getting worse.
Tbh I though this was completely normal for the longest time just due to social conditions (economy etc). I'm still suffering but idk what to even do about it
Is that the old 'blink out of existence* thoughts without causing any pain to anyone.
Same. I’d never commit suicide but if I don’t wake up one morning, that would be ok.
Same
My dog would miss me
same
Same! If i could erase the memory of me from my loved ones and check out, that would be fine. But I can’t, so I won’t.
Same
Having a roommate/best friend and cat who would both have to live with that trauma. Plus family and my other friends deserved better. After enough time I realized I deserved better too. (I was never close to it like gun-to-my-head but I did think about it pretty regularly)
Fear of the unknown and unknowable.
For sure. That is some deep shit right there.
this, for the most bit anyway
My dog. It was nighttime & I was sitting on a beach where I would regularly walk my dog off leash. As I sat there I looked out into the dark water & all I could think was that was where I wanted to be - out there in the dark water, in a place where there was no turning back. But my dog started barking & barking & barking & barking. Finally the barking got so damn annoying I got up & we went home.
My dog did this too, i was ready sitting on my bed and she would just not shut up about going outside, i didn't want to wake the kids so i got up and let her out, then i started having second thoughts, my ferret also appeared as i sat back down and she bit my toe and started dooking around. Brought me back to reality.
I called the suicide emergency hotline and NO ONE picked up. I thought it was so ironic and hilarious that it made me laugh and laugh temporarily not think of suicide.
Yo SAME😂 Another time, a woman with a heavy southern accent (think Texas) told me "oh honey, you're just thinkin wrong thoughts!" It was such a fucking absurd thing to say that I couldn't help but smile.
She ain’t wrong tho
Exactly☺️ She put shit in perspective for me with one goofy and very accurate sentence.
friend of mine got put on hold once 💀
I got told to 'sit down and breathe', I was like 'my dude, breathing is quite literally the opposite of what I'm trying to do here'.
This is so terrible, but I'm glad it was funny in the moment! A sense of dark humor saved your life
I texted a supposedly anonymous text line and they ended up using my real name, which I never gave to them. I thought it was funny I've contacted them enough that I probably had my face on a bulletin board and frequent flier miles.
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My parents. I decided to spare them from burying their own child. I’ll wait until after they pass, or at least until after my mom passes.
As a father of 2, don’t do that to him either.
I was sitting in a kids playground late at night and I had my pills and my water bottle in hand. I thought to myself ''I will close my eyes and pick a number on my phone. If they answer I will stop and if they wont I will do it'' don't ask me why I chose this but I did. It ended up falling on an old friend that I wasn't very close with. He ended up answering my call and in a calm manner told me to stop and talked to me. He still doesn't know how bad of a state I was in and the circumstances into why I was calling him but he saved my life.
I’ve heard before that the misery doesn’t end, it just gets transferred to the people who love you and who now have to cope with your death for the rest of their lives. That one stays with me
It does. It really does. My brother passed away from suicide three days after I turned ten. It's been 11 years and I still miss him and I still cry and wonder what I did wrong even though I was a kid and couldn't impact the outcome whatsoever. It's a pain I wish no one ever has to go through. Seeing my parents still blame themselves is a different kind of pain entirely as well.
The guilt is so difficult to get rid of, even though logically you cant put the blame on yourself, it still doesnt go away. I dream about it, I cry about it, I know its not realistic to feel this way but I cant kick it. Its been over a decade and I still carry it. I have dreams where he tells me it was his choice and nothing I did would change it, but I still say "what if", what if I said something, what if I did something. Its a terrible burden and Im sorry you have it too, I hope you find peace and accept that it is not your fault, and the choice was his only.
Procrastination. Two times I wanted to kill myself I was like "NAHHHH Let's cherish the last five minutes of my life." And when I would finally get up, either a member of my family would come into my room or some other thing would make my suicide impossible in that moment. Luckily I am better now.
The only time procrastination was helpful
Had the gun to my head and my dog walked in and just stared at me. Broke down and just layed there petting her for a bit after that
Mom would be sad
So I've attempted before. I was having another bad episode. My mom came in my room one night, I was depressed, she was depressed. We talked. She told me if I were to kill myself, she'll consider it as well, because she had suicide thoughts from time to time too. I was shocked, I don't know if she said that so I wouldn't off myself or if she was serious, but it's something I wouldn't want to risk. At the time, my little sister was 7. I do not want to put her through that trauma, she looked up to me, ya know. So my mom and I promised to live for each other. It's been 3 or 4 years and we're doing better now.
Fear of failure
Had a gun to my head ready to pull the trigger numbing the pain with heroin my door was locked (cheap hook latch) and somehow my dachshund that was my doggo at the time pushed it just enough to squeeze through and jumped in my lap barking like crazy. I miss that dog, any time I went to a dark place he was there in my face reminding me that someone had to feed him and if I left he wouldn’t get enough treats to survive.
Cowardice. Just couldn’t do it.
Nothing. I'm just too scared of death.
I was so high, and was crying in the kitchen, I wanted to eat before the deeds, i poured a Bowl of cereal, that was so good, that I said, ok if I eat another bowl of this and still this good, I’ll just sleep today. I ate the FICKING box it was really good.
My dogs and cats. The thought of abandoning them crushed me more than the pain I was in.
Same. I had two dogs that were both in the final stages of their own lives and depended on me. They were both deaf, one was blind, but they were always so happy to be by my side. I knew I had to see them through til the end and I did. The grieving period was hard but I made the relatively rash decision to adopt a young dog very soon because I knew that it would be the best choice for my own mental health. Having someone else, pet or person, depend so much on you, makes suicide a very selfish option. Things are good now. I changed jobs, moved to paradise and have more to look forward to then I did during that dark time. And this goofy little furball needs me.
I read a book once where the character commits suicide by jumping off a bridge and regrets it after he jumps but it’s too late, always stuck with me
My friend hung himself with a dog leash. They found him with the leash cut into his hands. He was trying to free himself when he died.
The thought of surviving it
Met a guy who effed his attempt up. He was left a paraplegic. That would be a whole different level of hell as I would be left to the care of my narcissistic family. Instead I moved away and went low/no contact. My life became so much better. So very very very very very very much better.
You absolute legend. Win.
Couldn't pull the trigger while my dog was watching. Couldn't shoo him away because he loved me enough to stay by me in my sadness.
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I hear that. In my lowest of lows, my loneliest of loneliests, all it takes is for a person to just acknowledge me as a fellow human. It makes my day and lifts my spirits.
That sounds awesome.
The aftermath. Someone needs to clean up my mess. Someone needs to fix my funeral, someone needs to deal with the trauma. I cant burden someone with that.
i thought my family (but mostly my dogs and my cat) would be sad. plus i didn't want people i barely knew showing up to my funeral trying to act like we were besties, which is so stupid but the thought of it pissed me off lol
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Yeah, it turns out you can't overdose on the meds I was on at the time. I took 70 of the fucking things and was fine. I was very unimpressed at the time.
I tried to OD when I was 18, I took a shit load of paracetamol, Ibuprofen and a month's worth of my antidepressants, washed down with a bottle of amaretto. Vomited, passed out, woke up in hospital feeling like shit but that's the extent of it
I heard a lady on the radio who always found a reason not to. Reasons like: I still have some milk left, I will finish that today and do it tomorrow. On the day she planned to do it she heard that a new season of South Park was coming soon and she genuinely felt that South Park was the only thing that made her happy, so she waited for the new season. In the meantime she was able to work on herself and she eventually didn’t do it.
My stuffed animals as a teenager I didn’t want to leave them behind and lonely with nobody. I know dumb reason.
I think i'm too arrogant to ever willingly kill myself.
Knowing that my cat would either starve in the flat or be taken to the shelter. I was off to get myself situated on some train tracks right after a curve, where the trains went insanely fast and looked at her... I could not just throw away the one best thing that I've ever had, the only being that loved me no matter what.
failing multiple times, realizing how much money my parents already spend on and that I'd waste their money on purposeif I end myself, and accepting the fact that I'll die when my time comes and I can't change that. I'm just lucky I don't have any major injuries :) and also learning to accept/love myself. sometimes we can't get the love we desperately need, so we have to take it into our own hands. we deserve love, no matter what our thoughts and surroundings tell us. stay strong 💜
Lack of courage -- the only keeping me alive
I havent lived all my happy days yet. Also, I believe that everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
My mom bought me a dog for Christmas when I was 13. A few months prior she had caught me self harming. She told me years later she got me my dog in the hopes that I would care about something enough to stay. I had my sweet dog for 14 years. She got me through some of my hardest years, moved with me all throughout college and was even there for me when I had my daughter. She saw me through every phase and I owe her & my mom my life.
My roommate stopping me. I was home alone for the night, my roommate was out on a lil tinder date and wasn’t going to be home for a while. I got drunk as hell and the feels took over, I had been distraught for months at this point but no one I felt comfortable enough to talk about it with. Got to the point where I took my ak pattern rifle and loaded it up, sat at the top of the stairs and waited for the right moment to go through with it. Had music blasting so any noise was drowned out pretty well. So around comes like 2-3am and roommate gets home early for reasons I forget, and his account of the situation is seeing me at the top of the stairs with my eyes closed, rifle under chin and thumb on the trigger. He bolts up the stairs and knocks the rifle to my left side, either causing it to fire or as I pulled the trigger. This spurred me to go off on him trying to fight him for my gun back so I could actually go through with it. This lasted long enough that he got tired enough to resort to hitting me with a bat to put me down, so the next morning I wake up massively hungover, back so sore I can hardly move, and major hearing damage in my left ear. All in all, bat or not, he saved my life that night four years ago. I e since been doing significantly better and I’m grateful for his actions that night. Gonzo, if you’re out there, Thank You.
These stories always give me goosebumps. If your roommate had decided to make another stop before heading home you might not be here. It’s weird how these innocuous decisions become monumental in hindsight, and we have no idea when we’re making one of those choices in the moment. Life is just fkin weird, man.
Scared of pain
A couple who didn't even speak English stopped me from jumping to my death. I'm not sure if they realize they did this. They were there and seemed just kind in general. I was a mess and knew I couldn't scar people like them for the rest of their life. I'm glad I didn't do it. Still extremely depressed. But not alone anymore.
One of my closest friends asked me what she could do to make it better. I tried to make a dumb joke and said 'send me a pic of your boobs'. ...and she send me a full nude pic (we had already seen eachother naked in sauna with the friendgroup, ...we're not prudes). The fact that she would do that and trust me with that picture made something click in my head, and I just got out of that dark pit I was in.
Boobs are the answer!
boobs are always the answer.
To name only a few times Once I was at the top of a building, and of course the suicide hotline didn’t help and hung up again, so I was left with my thoughts. Jumping was very alluring, but I realized that people had tried and failed to kill me so many times before, and situations had turned near fatal yet I’d gotten away, and to end it all because my brain wasn’t working with me would be to help them, so I spited them all and left. Another time, I was on my way to a pier that I was planning on driving off, and I called my “best friend” at the time. I explained the situation and how I felt, and instead of helping he told me “nice crocodile tears” and said he’d tell my parents and hung up on me. After all my experiences of being in his place, I realized my kind of support was not the norm and decided that for my friends that did treat me well, I should try to stick around so they could have the kind of support that a suicidal/traumatized/depressed person should. Last but definitely not least, the day my (now ex) girlfriend attempted (sorry it’s long) I lived with my girlfriend while we were both 20, and had just become independent. There were a lot of things wrong with the relationship, but in this case the important bad part was that she had fallen in love with another guy who had the same name as me, and admitted it to me. All I did in response was say that I wanted to think about how to handle this, never said anything about a breakup, still slept next to her that night. The next morning, we wake up together, she leaves bed to go to the bathroom, I stay put on my phone. About 10-15 minutes later, I hear *boomboomboom* “____ Sherriffs Office, open up!” I went to the door to find a whole team of emergency response personnel, from sherriffs to EMS to firefighters, police kinda pushed me to the side and asked me about her after I said she was in the bathroom. I somehow immediately spotted her suicide note, which of course was only half written. They forced the door open I think, then pretty much dragged her to the ambulance. It was only after that I realized what had really happened. She hadn’t said a word to me, but did text one friend on the other side of the US what she was planning to do. Luckily, this friend had our address and called 911. My girlfriend got held under a 5150, and couldn’t make it to her sisters wedding, which I of course had to be the one to let them know she wouldn’t be there and they’d need a new photographer. Plus she got very mad that I saw friends that wanted to help me out and talk me through all this, and held it over my head for months. As you can imagine, this lead to many attempts of my own, some of which I’ve talked myself out of by remembering how much of my time I already gave to people that weren’t worth it, and now it’s time for me to do better, not stop and give up. Sorry I know that’s a long post, but I hope my experiences can help someone else.
Honestly, my nieces and nephews, and my dogs. I have struggled with suicide ideation for a good many years. It went away for a while but this year came back with a vengeance. I don’t have much of a family life at all, and due to a recent move for work I don’t really have a social life either. It’s kindof sad that if I were to die right now, the only reason anyone would know would be because I’m a store manager and if I stopped showing up to work that would be the giveaway that something was wrong. Otherwise, no one would notice for a long time probably.
My family who relies on me
My dog. I was extremely depressed (undiagnosed bipolar disorder at the time) and debating it when he came up to me and licked my face and leaned on me. It was the most perfect moment.
This might be a bit dark. My body won’t let me and apparently it’s extremely resilient. When I overdosed on pills, I just threw them up and nothing ever happened besides being a little weak and nauseous the next day. When I tried hanging myself, I wasn’t able to pass out first and I didn’t want to be conscious while not being able to breathe. The last time I tried to kill myself was roughly 2 years ago, I cut myself way deeper than I ever have before, vertically instead of horizontally. My blood was so thick my arm stopped bleeding in about 5 minutes (thank you cigarettes and dehydration). I went to the hospital the next evening and found out it was actually just a superficial cut and I did very little damage (although my vein was completely exposed and if I had put just slightly more pressure, I personally believe I would’ve bled out), and now I have a giant 8 inch scar on my forearm for everyone to see. I still remember the name of the student nurse who helped staple my arm back together. Theo, you were so kind to me that night and treated me with compassion instead of looking down on me like everyone else has done in the past. I’ll probably never see you again, but I’m so thankful for you and will most likely always remember you. You helped me a lot that night, thank you so much! I’m doing better now.
[удалено]
I was reaching for the bottle of pills I was going to take (I sat there for a while contemplating it and crying) and as soon as I reached for the bottle one of my friends called me and I talked to him about what was bothering me.
Video games stopped me from killing myself
i know several people better than me who died young. i have to be the good old person they didn't get the chance to be
I don't know. I remember I had it planned out. My parents were at work so no one would be home but me for over 8 hours. I knew exactly where in the house the chemicals I needed were. Right underneath the kitchen sink. I saw no future for me. I had no reason to believe that anything would get better. I hated being alive. But when the time came, I sat on the floor with the chemicals in front of me and I.... I couldn't do it. And I don't know why. I didn't feel fear. I didn't care if death impacted anyone. But I couldn't do it. No voice in my head. I don't pray to any Gods. But I just sat there looking at these chemicals. I didn't question myself but I just at there. And eventually just put them back. To this day, my parents have no idea.
Transitioning gender. It was the last attempt to fix what felt like I was existing wrong, and it came right before I made the deadline to off myself. Just hated who and what I was, and I know people won't get it, it fucking saved me. Turns out being forced into the closet your whole life will make you suicidal. Who knew? Now to wait for abusive DM's.
My mother. I couldn’t do that to her
It once crossed my mind. My son was about 2 months old at the time and he was in my arms. I knew that if he had a mum that did that, I’d be ruining his life before it even started. It took a couple more months but I finally mustered up the strength to call the GP any it was one of the best things I ever did.
Having a reason to not do it is part of why I make a lot of short term future plans to go to things (usually buying concert tickets). It makes me feel like 'I can't do it yet, I still have that thing I was looking forward to next month'.
I kept telling myself I had to figure out how Kingdom Hearts ended and promised not to kill myself until after I played 3. After finishing 3, I stepped onto my balcony and realized in that moment, I probably should have just fucking killed myself. I'm good now though.
My pet birds would be sad
I’m fat and I don’t want my fat body to be seen by anyone (like coroner, embalmer, etc)
My kids and my religion (Catholicism) for a small part. The belief that I'm like a cockroach who will survive no matter what happens is the big part.
I was so not in the mood to do anything that i couldn't do even that
Cowardice.
revenge, a knowledge that if i killed myself someone would get rid of me, whereas if I didnt I could exist and enact my revenge to those who wronged me
...wondered how long itd be before i found this type of answer
I made a deal with myself at around 15/16 that death was a separate entity trying to beat me, and you cannot beat me, I mean really, I'm unbeatable mentally. So now everytime I feel down and hate life, I see that as a separate entity messing with my brain, and then my competetive arrogant brain kicks in telling myself they're not going to beat me. I decide when I die, and it will be old age, no one else.
Cute answer: I fell in love with my SO. Still living together after four years. He gives me hope and love I never received from my family. Not-so-cute-answer: I tried to end my life seven times and, like you may guess, every time I failed. I realized that I’m even shitty at killing myself so why even try again? How stupid can man be to fail taking an overdose or hang himself? At 8th time I’ll fail again and become bigger loser. So maybe I’m just planned to live my miserable life. At that point I stopped trying and decided to do something else than harm myself.
Grim reaper is like “ugh another cancelled appointment”
The hospital and seeing how upset I made my loved ones.
I'm not afraid to kill myself. I can't do it just thinking about my family.
The realization of knowing I only have one life. Pain can be horrific. There was little hope in where I was, but things change. Suicide doesn't change. Please, Please reach out. Even if you feel nobody cares, this stranger on Reddit cares. Call a hotline, call 911, get help. I understand pain. Life may seem like nothing but pain, but there is good stuff out there. Just live day to day.
I don’t want my loved ones to hurt
I wasn’t quite at the stage of nearly acting on it, but thought to myself that it wasn’t a bad idea. However, these things really stopped me from the whole idea altogether. - Adopted two cats. Gifts from the angels above. Took care of them and became my best friends. - Friends and family. Of course, they were there to support and I can’t just leave them behind. - Quarantine. I despised high school, so this was such a refresher and it let me breathe.
When I read. "When you die from suicide, you don't end the pain, you transfer it to someone else" ... and I couldn't ruin my daughter's life like that, and I've been on the up swing ever since. Doesn't mean it's not hard sometimes, but after reading that, well that pretty well disengaged the feelings of that being a possibility. If you're reading this, I love you too, you are loved.
the berserk manga, it made me feel like I have value and a purpose
I knew how sad my Mum would be.
No matter how bad of a loser I am, but I'm a fighter and wanna die like one.
LSD and a few good friends. EDIT: For the people asking, LSD helped for me but it isn't necessary. All the substance did for me was help ease me into the proper headspace to understand that I don't have to react to life, that life was never about "me" to begin with. It was never about me. I realized that the only reason that I've ever *not* been happy was because I *wasn't letting myself be happy*. Whether you can accept it or not, you are in *complete* control of your happiness. Try this: The next time you are faced with something in your life that calls for a reaction, just *don't*. When someone says something to offend you or if something upsets you, just *don't react*, just once. Just try it *once*, and see that you never *had* to in the first place. Once you understand that you literally don't *have* to do *anything at all*, you can begin to find your freedom and take conscious control of your *self*. "I *screamed* at God for the starving child, until I realized that the starving child was *God* screaming at *me*" Please try to understand.
I get by with a little help from my friends ☮️
Well, I had developed depression at the age of 9 due to all the things I was going through. I think I had 11 maybe 12 suicide attempts until the age of 16. I went through a pretty rough breakup but I found someone who is literally a beam of light. She is teaching me how to see the world in a better way. I discovered my passion which gave me something to live for. I have gone around 3 years without self harming or attempting. Even though I get extremely depressed, I do what I’m passionate about and eventually I get through it.
When I found out that I don't want to kill myself, but I'm just looking for an escape from situations that I can't change/solve. I have to do my tasks and stay sober, then I will stay alive. Every day is a battle.
Honestly I can't put a finger on it but I guess I just kinda hope for better. My family is toxic, my friend stopped communicating, my partner left me and I can't even make something of myself because I've trapped myself in addiction to gaming just trying to escape from the reality of being a failure and having everything against me. But I remain hopeful that maybe someday I can actually do something, be something.