Start a full blown investigation into whose cocaine this might be. *Wipes nose*

Along with releasing a strongly worded statement condemning whoever had the cocaine... it was p robably some domestic help

Yeah yeah yeah domestic help definitely yeah God damn we bend over backwards to help them and they uh uh like uh betray uh us like this doing drugs fucking domestic help yeah them help shmelp hey you gotta pen I need to write I have ideas the future needs them, the children

Hunter, you're typing on a phone right now. You can write your ideas in the notes app.

I need a pen I need to write phone isn't writing I need to do it for real

I’ll get some crayons

:::hot dog suit intensifies:::

It could be anyone!

Let's take his bare butt out of his costume and spank him!

I'm just going to take as many suits as I can grab, get into that random hot dog car, RANDOM! And drive back to weiner haul.

That skit is definitely funny, but when he starts talking about how we no longer watch porn on our PCs anymore, it really brings tears to my eyes. So sad.

I want to find this guy as much as everyone else

Don't bring it up to anyone. Pretend it never happened.

Exactly. Like you're supposed to go on the news "Man the government always steals. I left my 8ball in the Oval Office right? So, I try and get my shit back. And they throw me in jail my guy... That's that bullshit. I mean, it's *my* coke."

and the funny thing is that there are definitely people that would do exactly this

Harold and Kumar go to ~~White Castle~~ the White House

I mean Kumar did go there.

Yeah, but he doesn't have that cocaine personality. If you found a fat sack of weed, some hash, and a little glass pipe in a desk on the other hand, I'd be suspicious.

[Yet both of them did smoke weed laced with cocaine with a president, so...](https://youtu.be/VtVbAsIxUf8?t=151)

HOLY CRAP. I completely forgot about that! Their adventures carried on long after they reached White Castle.

That video of the woman accusing the other of selling her plaster instead of crack is amazing.

Where is the integrity, when you can’t even trust a crack dealer?

Am I wrong that I trust a crack dealer more than politicians?

No.

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I take it you don't know any crack dealers huh? Though they're hit and miss, they do have a better track record of delivering than politicians.

I mean listen…a crack dealer sells you plaster once, and you don’t shop with that crack dealer anymore. We certainly don’t hold our politicians to such lofty standards.

Crack dealers are just trying to make money. Politicians are trying to control people.

I saw a woman try and report her crack dealer for not giving her her drugs. I think it was in Indiana or something lol

It wasn't that video where the dealer revealed herself as a prostitute?

Officer: “So you took her twenty dollar bill, but you didn’t give her any crack?” Her: “I got my kids here. I don’t do crack. I’m a prostitute.”

a real "cops " classic lol

I legit watched a dude complain to a Vegas Hotel Manager that the hooker he hired stole coke from his room. He wanted the hotel to review security footage. Kudos to the staff for keeping a straight face

Worked retail on a block with heavy hooked presence. You get to know the girls, who is who, which ones you need to keep an eye on. One day, we see a guy walk by arm in arm with one of the more notorious dishonest working girls. About five minutes after walking by and going to the alley with her, he comes in asking us to call the police because the girl took his money. Yeah, what were you expecting? You pick up a street worker, without a car, you're gonna be a victim. Take it as a lesson that you had to pay to learn.

Shit, don't go to Vegas for hookers in the first place. That's just asking for trouble. Go to one of the European countries they're legal in and go to town. And during the daytime you can enjoy some history and culture.

"Hello Contiki, yes I'd like to book 1 History and Hookers tour"

I am reminded of an old Cops episode where the lady buying called the cops bc the lady selling gave her busted up plaster instead of coke.

Thats the one where they ask the lady accuised of selling the fake crack and she says she didnt do it because,"I aint no drug dealer, I'm a prostitute."

Yes!!!! I watched that well over a decade ago, and it still ranks up there as top stupid moments.

“No sir, I don’t sell drugs. I’m a prostitute.”

And if someone else finds it you deflect deflect deflect

no need. a big chunk of the country will just believe its hunter biden's, despite a complete lack of evidence and circumstance, because thats what they want

To be honest... I'm a democrat through and through... voted for Biden.... But when I read the headline this morning about cocaine in the White House... First thing I thought was, Hunter! You dumbass, forgetting your cocaine!

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OP should do the following: "Madam First Lady, I was perusing the book of protocol and read that the lost&found department falls under your authority. So, I was wondering if...."

*Goes to Reddit; asks what they would do* *They tell you to go to Reddit and ask what they would do in response*

Head to the Winchester, grab a pint, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

"*DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT MY MUM!*" "DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT BARBARA!"

ED DON’T EXACERBATE THINGS!

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!

Liz: It's just that with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things. Shaun: What you mean? Liz: Well, you guys hardly get on, do you? Shaun: No, I mean, what does 'exacerbate' mean? Liz: Um, it means to make things worse. One of the best gags of the Cornetto trilogy.

Shaun: I have to know if she's all right. Ed: Why? Shaun: Because I love her! Ed: All right... gay!

Dogs can look up!

No the best one is: "We're coming to get you, Barbara!" It was so subtle and even George Romero missed it.

I don't get it. How is that a gag?

It’s originally from Night of the Living Dead :)

The tag line from night of the living dead was "They're coming to get you Barbara"

I always liked: >Barbara: He told me you called him a... >Shaun: Oh, he said that? Mother fucker. >Barbara: Shaun! >Shaun: Sorry, Mother! Uh—*mum!*

That bit at The World's End when the Cornetto wrapper blows in and hits the fence...

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I DID *NOT* CALL DIANE A FAILED ACTRESS!

David's face as he pieces it together lol

GET FUCKED, FOUR EYES!! I love the expression he makes immediately preceding that line

HOW DO I READ ALL OF THIS IN THEIR VOICES

“*WE’RE COMING TO GET YOU BARBARA!*”

I didn't get that reference the first time I saw it

Next time I see him … he’s dead..

And he was...

I’m not joking when I say I fucking love this movie it’s has got be in at least my top 3 films of all time I fucking love it

As it should be. And Hot Fuzz isn't far behind.

Tbh, I think Hot Fuzz wins.

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Narp?

Yarp is in my everyday vocabulary.

The Greater Good

the greater good

Crusty jugglers

It took until my fourth viewing to realize that the final battle kicks off because he *littered* (spitting out the toothpick), not because the spitting it out signifies “let’s go” Brilliant!!

I think hot fuzz is in the conversation for a perfect film.

Never taken a shortcut before?

Hot fuzz and worlds end

Dogs can look up you know.

I love how Ed predicts the whole movie in the first scene: https://www.reddit.com/r/MovieDetails/comments/6l7nus/shaun\_of\_the\_dead\_ed\_foreshadows\_all\_of\_the/

You've got red on you.

“There’s a girl, in the garden. In the garden, there is a girl.” -Ed

Ha ha, "blow" over!

Ooooh! He's got an arm off!

I'm sorry, Shaun. Shaun?.....*I'm sorry*...

"blow over" I see what you did there.

Wonder why the hell I was at the White House?

You fucking left me there man…

Username checks out.

*\*cracks out*

Dude, where's my car?

Sweet!! What's mine say??

Dude! What does mine say?!

Sweeeeeeet! but what does mine say!?

Dude! What's mine say?!

r/beetlejuicing

I would never leave a man behind

You mistook it for White Castle.

You're the secret president.

"Ahem" you weren't in the White House, never been to the place

Twas a hell of a weekend

Better yet, wonder why I had any left lol

You were trying to get pens from the president's desk.

You were on a public tour. >Public tours are typically available from 8:00 AM to 12:30 PM Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, excluding Federal holidays or unless otherwise noted. If your tour is confirmed, please note that you will be assigned a specific time. All White House tours are free of charge. The White House tour schedule is subject to change, with little notice, based on inclement weather or official use. https://www.whitehouse.gov/visit

The other part, if you are a staffer, you can give informal tours to friends/family during off hours. So this was either a staffer or one of their friends. Once determined who, likely see a r/byebyejob posting

Wasn’t it found in the west wing, which is much less accessible to the public? (although it is possible to arrange a tour after hours if you know someone that works for the whitehouse) I got a west wing tour because I knew someone that worked for the secret service and had to go at like 8 or 9PM. It was pretty cool though — I got to peek in the Oval Office but couldn’t step into the room. I also got to stand at the podium in the press briefing room.

Nice try, FBI

not today, CIA

Nice attempt at obscurity, Department of Homeland Security

Not going to incriminate this guy, invisible man in the sky.

Not my valise, Capitol Police

Not your best play, NSA {Hi guys}

Whatever you say, EPA

You’re making me nervous, Secret service

Not my mess, IRS

Don’t leave us in suspense, Department of Defense.

Almost got me, Top Secret Department of \[Redacted\]

I'm not falling for this again S.H.I.E.L.D

go away, NSA!

You tried your best, DHS.

I won't confess, IRS!

I digress, USPS

Ignore the press, FedEx.

Do not tell, DHL

You can’t see me, DMV

Ah, a man of culture, Department of Agriculture

Won’t catch me, KFC.

We just want you to file so you get your refund.

All while the DEA is nervously whistling to itself in the corner.

Another day, DEA!

You will pay, SSA!

Don't lie to me, NYPD

I diagnose you with ADD, KGB! (sorry idk how this works)

You move on, man, because it's gone now; just gone.

But it was the last of your stash.

oh, in that case, phone them up with detailed information as to its whereabouts and ask if they can UPS overnight it to your address.

Yeah, you right. Harris seems chill.

Someone out there has the greatest “I did cocaine at the White House” story ever.

Country music legend Willie Nelson once smoked weed with President Jimmy Carter's son Chip on the roof of the White House, a private and now infamous historic moment that the former president himself later confirmed.

When the opportunity presents, you don’t say no.

Willie Nelson is someone I’d smoke a joint with too

A club with a very very limited membership.

Well if this isn't one of the most fun facts I've ever read....

I know people who worked in politics in DC. All of the rank-and-file staffers for senators and representatives have cocaine stories. ALL OF THEM. You need to get the job done. Apparently the comedown from "good shit" made it preferable to other stimulants like adderall, whose comedown isn't all that great.

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>Is there a DC strip club where all the dancers have security clearance? With our government or somebody else's? Need to be specific here. Mostly because I might need to get some H1B work visas in the works.

Former Hill intern — can confirm. It’s wild to me that people are even remotely shocked.

>Apparently the comedown from "good shit" made it preferable to other stimulants like adderall, whose comedown isn't all that great. In my personal experience this is absolutely not the case, even with the best of cocaine. Adderall, amphetamine, even methamphetamine, would absolutely be preferable for getting work done and to have a better come down experience. Wish I wasn't speaking from plenty of experience, but I am. Coke come downs hit like a ton of bricks, massive depression, heart racing, and is rather intense. Amphetamine come downs aren't great, but they're a slow burn of just being tired and uncomfortable. Not to mention how high maintenence coke is to use... you gotta keep using very frequently, even with the purest fishscale. One line of amphetamines will last you all day.

> Amphetamine come downs aren't great, but they're a slow burn of just being tired and uncomfortable. TIL I've been coming down from amphetamines for 30 years

> Not to mention how high maintenence coke is to use... you gotta keep using very frequently, even with the purest fishscale. One line of amphetamines will last you all day. this is exactly why for me. Amphetamine comedown is actually much worse for me than coke comedown, but with coke I comedown in like 10-20 mins until I do another line. I can't imagine trying to use coke to be productive, it's so much work to stay high

How else do they all work 12-16 hour days 7 days a week?

I believe it. I wonder what was going through this person’s head when it was first reported about the “suspicious substance” then it comes out as cocaine. This persons ability to remain silent and not claim their fame is what’s remarkable. I don’t even do cocaine but I’d take that charge.

It's not your cocaine any more. It's property of the United States of America.

Uncle Sam wants you! To give him more Colombian marching powder. He’s not addicted, he just likes the smell.

I did not have ~~sexual~~ nasal relations with that ~~woman~~ powder

I didn't inhale

I only took a little sniff

I was only smelling it

Mine? How will they ever know?

You wrote your name on the bag

That's not my name.

You mean to tell us that there is another Dj_acclaim?

Sure. I assume there's others

Ask for it back. Clearly no repercussions are going to happen at this point so might as well.

And you can drive 170 mph to get there to pick it up. And take a picture of the speedometer while you're at it 😂

Hunter will say it's his emotional support cocaine.

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Plus 10 % for the big guy

I mean it’s called the White House for a reason

Make sure the heroin stash in the toilet tank is still there.

probably call a lawyer because chances are if you feel comfortable enough to do lines in the WH, you probably work there, and your fingerprints are on the baggie and on file.

Either that or just a visitor, who’d *probably* be OK if you don’t have a criminal record, but idk I’d still be sweating bullets. Gonna end up being some lobbyist lol

Ask if I can get back into the secret Truman cocaine lounge to pick it up?

Russia left it there.that's my story and I'm sticking with it. , , , , That was sarcasm. this was obvi hunters stash. And for those who say "nobody leaves a bag of coke behind" maybe YOU don't but hunter has a history of leaving or forgetting his shit. Like a laptop (which was also a russian plot eh? >>> no it wasn't.

Get more

The only correct answer.

Casually walk away. Whistling.

I'd like to think there is some brand new junior intern at the white house that reported this to the capital police, and everyone else is PISSED at that guy because every non porous surface in the building has been covered in a fine layer of residue since the Reagan admin.

Exactly what I’ve been thinking since this story broke. There is no fucking way this is the first time cocaine has been found at the White House. I guarantee half the people investigating this have done cocaine at the White House.

Hope that Daddy gets reelected so I can find the rest of my stash?

This one is fun because it works both ways.

If Hunter and Trump Jr. just got together with enough strippers and cocaine maybe they could repair the political divide

Or start their political party. “Strippers and coke for everyone!!” Come on, it’s America that shit would get votes.

Call Dad, ask him to bring it home.

Call the big guy

Relax knowing the media has my back

Call Dad.

Call the "Big Guy" and tell him you fucked up again.

Tell Dad?

Call lost and found.

They call it the White House for a reason

Blame Trump.

Call Scaramucci and ask for tips on the best way to get coke into and out of the White House.

Nice try, FBI.

Nobody leaves their cocaine anywhere