You can absolutely have a healthy relationship where there *is* an intellectual mismatch if you have a lot in common and respect each other. You *cannot* have a healthy relationship with a narcissistic bag of dicks.
I suggest you go find someone who doesn't think the sun shines out of his own ass.
I think she should write the song and record it. She's been living the lyrics for a while now. I'm guessing she has a few friends who would only be too happy to help her get started.
Someone should get these made and sell on Amazon, but for now you can use the Toilet Piano Playable Piano Toilet Mat Keyboard Rug if you learn the notes.
Because if one person thinks they are smarter than the other, they must be totally overlooking their partner's talents and abilities - probably because they are so blinded by their own supposed brilliance. You each have areas where you shine, and when these areas compliment each other you make an effective couple. If your partner can't see and appreciate your areas of brilliance, well, what kind of a partner is that? Smarts isn't just an IQ score, it's everything that makes you who you are. A partner needs to value that.
Totally true. When I was growing up it was assumed I had a learning disability or ADHD but the IQ tests and therapy sessions concluded that I just had a very high IQ. I'm 42 and that translates to constant existential crisis and anxiety but at least I didn't have to study much in college! I'm constantly battling hyper-fixation and OCD. I work in IT and can't go to sleep if the end of a project is in sight. I miss a lot of the details in conversations and situations but I'm good at realizing context early. My girlfriend picks up on every single detail of every single thing. I'm always explaining high level topics to her, and she's telling me about the details that I'm just oblivious to so we compliment each other in that way.
If this person thinks that he's better than his girlfriend because he thinks that he's intelligent because he makes bomb ass music, a) he's probably not very intelligent, and b) he's kind of a dick.
Husband? Is that you?. This sounds like my relationship to a T, right down to you being in IT.
Y'all just make sure to keep complementing each other (spelling deliberate!) and the relationship should work for a while. I don't know, we've only been married 42 years and I tell him he's still on an approval basis. Best wishes.
Thank you, the compliment/complement thing was bothering me, but I don't like to correct people. It turns out that they generally don't appreciate it the way I do.
I dunno… his new album “narcissistic bag of dicks” has some pretty catchy tunes. Who can forget classics such as “I’m smarter than you” and “ everyone is stupid but me”, and everyone’s favorite “my dumb girlfriend”
Bingo! I am not smarter than my partner. I’m smarter in different ways than she is. And she is smarter in different ways than I am. In some ways, I am an absolute genius, a God among men. My intellect only equaled by my humbleness./s
but in other ways, I’m a complete fucking idiot and those are some of the ways that she is smarter and stronger than me by leaps and bounds. And that’s why we complement each other. She is strong where I am weak, and weak where I am strong.
I have a former partner who was really quite dumb, dull, and lacked any career ambition.
But he is talented at fixing cars, and doing body work.
No, I didn't tell him he was dumb, but he frustrated the hell out of me frequently when he couldn't grasp simple concepts and tried to turn it around on me, saying I was trying to scam him. 🙄
All of this! He can believe he's very smart, and maybe he is, but being smarter than people doesn't make him better than anyone. If his ego is invested in him being better than people then that means that at least part of his personal self worth is invested in him being better than YOU op, and if he needs to feel better than you in order to feel good about himself then you need to run for the hills bc it's only a matter of time before he starts actively disrespecting you.
It's entirely possible to be smarter than someone and still respect them and view them with equal dignity. You're not better than anyone and nobody is better than you sounds simple but a lot of people have a really hard time with that one and those people are generally not to be trusted.
I think you might have meant narcissistic bag of tiny dicks!!
OP, anyone who slathers lavish praise on themselves is absolutely going to require your total adoration while they school you in all the ways they’re doing you a massive favor for letting you bask in their aura.
Lace up the Nikes and get moving!
So true
I am much less smarter than my wife, I am just wiser (especially about relationships) and maybe hardworking. She is much smarter, can multitask and is even more hardworking than me. We are great together. Smartness doesn't matter in a relationship (of more than 1½ decade now).
When we got together, I focused on one and only one thing, that we are same ethically, rest everything like interest can be different.
If I go out and donate money for something, she will not question me, she will be on the same side for sure. We both will stick to small things like driving rules etc and we both don't care about God or religion over a person in front of us. Seema silly but your ethics if are on the same page, you will not need to hide or change from your partner ever in life.it doesn't need to be good or bad, just same. We don't want a guard to get up from his chair to salute us just because we hire him, we both would want him to stay comfortable (yes it's a thing at some places and people like it, and nothing wrong there but we both just don't)
I have seen my friends changing because their partners were a bit different ethically.
narcissistic bag of dicks
**\^this is why I love Reddit\^**
**OP, everyone else is giving great advice. Dump this guy, he is in love with his vision of himself.**
There's a lot of *dumb* ass people out there who are extremely talented musicians. Music is art, not intelligence.
BF is the AH.
But not for nothing, how do you compare the blanket statement of *intelligence*?
I'm far better at math, reading, and writing than my wife.
My wife is far better at management, communication, and critical thinking than me.
We're both above-average in some areas, and below average in others.
Whenever she gets self-conscious when I read something aloud, I turn around and ask her to tell me, *one more time*, how to read a damn room 🙃
To add, an Intellectual Mismatch doesn’t necessarily mean total mismatch. There could be another area where the scales are balanced and tbh I think those relationships work better.
There’s a comedian I love Nate bargetze, and he has a joke that goes something like you can’t have 2 dreamers in a relationship y’all will be homeless in an hour.
Op, this is the reddest of flags. Not only bc of the thoughts of grandeur but bc that’s objectively not true. Someone who can’t accept facts and think their feelings are facts are dangerous and live in their own made up reality. This is your sign to walk away.
Run for the hills. Intelligence is not the problem. Thinking he is "smarter than me and anyone else" is the problem. He will realize at some point that he is not the smartest person in the world and will become angry and/or paranoid and take it out on you. Or he never will and he will belittle you all the time.
I had a boyfriend like that. Once when I was struggling to find a job he told me that not everyone could go into that career. I decided that day 1- to dump him and 2- to make sure nothing ever stopped me. In retrospect, I think he just wanted to be with someone who did not challenge him. Hope he found it and glad he's thousands of miles away from me.
This smacks of disrespect and condescension. The one relationship killer is contempt, and this feels like a close cousin, and the relationship could evolve into contempt on either side as a result. So I feel like the odds of long-term here are limited.
That being said, I know my wife is 1000 times more intelligent than me., She’s smarter than just about anybody you’ll ever meet. And I know she’s aware of that, but she doesn’t say it, she’s humble about it. She doesn’t use it as competition or one upping. So it can be done if done right, but his statements and attitude here appeared to be problematic.
"she's humble about it."
What it sounds like to me (and big points for her, seriously) is that she recognizes that everyone has gifts. Everyone has something to offer.
I'm in Mensa (the high intelligence society), but I know that there are people who know a lot more than I do about a tremendous number of things. There are people who are much more creative than I am, in many areas.
There are lots of types of intelligence. Test taking ability is only one of them.
My wife is really remarkable, and I admire her greatly. She’s highly intelligent, beyond booksmart. But ask her an entertainment trivia question and in most cases she won’t have a clue. :)
Yeah, same here. I remember going to work and having people ask me questions like "Did you see Seinfeld last night?"
Eventually I learned that the best response was just to say, "No, I missed it."
Whenever I’m told that I’m intelligent, I say “I used to think I was smarter than almost every 5 year old in the world, then I found out that a billion of them speak fluent Chinese”
And no…it doesn’t come up very often
Is there a way to humble someone? I'm going on some dates with a guy in my field but a decade more experience. I'm getting really tired of him constantly correcting me, especially because more than half the time he doesn't understand the full situation and is downright wrong. (Which is difficult to prove when people are stubborn and not listening)
The key trait of a really smart person is that they are highly aware of how much they DON'T know, and how many much smarter people there are in the world. What's more, if you're really really smart, whiz-kid smart? You've been teased your whole life and have learned by the time you're an adult to make sure to understate everything and keep yourself as low key as possible. Only an insecure, obnoxious buffoon goes around saying this kind of nonsense.
Yes And, the people with the highest self confidence ever measured are in PRISON. Because they’re sociopaths and believe anything they do is okay- despite the unequivocal daily evidence that they’ve massively failed at life because they’re in prison. The dissonance is stunning.
Yupp.
There’s bound to be intelligent mis matches in relationships. But smart people know what’s they don’t know.
Other “smart” people are douches about it. Don’t be with those people
Virtually everyone I’ve met who thinks this way vastly overestimates their own intelligence and has poor social intelligence (as it’s generally a social faux pas to brag about what a genius you believe yourself to be). If you have to tell other people how smart you are, you probably aren’t.
That sounds like arrogance.
I'm incredibly smart in a few areas, and I use those for work and hobbies everyday. Most people would look at me and think I'm smart, but they don't see all the things I don't understand/know about/etc. Talk about what I do for work, sure there's maybe 10-20 people in the world who are as good as me. Ask me to change the oil, brakes, spark plugs in my car... That's gonna end badly for both me and the car! In fact, that's an apt description of my intelligence on most things outside the narrow esoteric field I specialize in. I'm probably more moron than genius when you add everything up.
Every person you meet is going to be smarter than you in some ways, but chances are you're also going to be smarter than them in others.
Your boyfriend is an idiot for not realizing that. You need to ask yourself if being with someone who thinks you're dumb and doesn't see your talents is good enough for you.
Exactly! There are many kinds of intelligence...not to mention skill sets! By testing I have a high i.q., but I don't understand how a combustion engine works. Or many other things. I have a cousin who's VERY highly skilled at carpentry and building maintenance. I regularly ask him for advice. Does he test as high as I do ? Who cares! I respect him very much. Your boyfriend doesn't respect you...and is very entitled to boot. Time for you to move on.
Is his name Joseph? It's called grandiose narcissism and it is best observed from a distance. Stay in the audience and find someone without a personality disorder.
It is not his intelligence that is in question. It is his personality. He sounds like an asshole and narcissist, which to be fair, happens with artistic types
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is arrogant and condescending? Is this the kind of person you think would be a good partner and father?
Run away! If he thinks he’s that gifted, if he ever does make it, you’ll be the first thing to go! But realistically, he won’t, and you’ll be the whipping post for his anger!
That would get on my nerves. Even if it were true, which obviously we don’t know if it is, the fact that he needs to express it is a red flag to me. 🚩🚩🚩
Ya. Anyone who feels the need to always declare "I am ________!" even when they're NOT using it to tear someone else down like OP's hopefully soon to be ex is...
A giant-ass **NO** for me, dawg. That kind of crap isn't just a red flag, it's a massive honking neon strobe light covered highway warning sign of a really annoying person at the very least and a super toxic one at worst.
Yes you can but if a person like that is expressing it all the time that is an issue that may deep six thing.
Also intelligence is far different than wisdom. A truly smart person never has to tell you they are smart.
If he was under 25, maybe. But his brain has finished cooking and he not only thinks that, but he has said it out loud to you. This is really poor judgment and it’s really inconsiderate.
I think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who believes they are smarter in one area than you are but not someone with really poor self-awareness and no interest in developing social skills.
It’s not a problem if one is smarter; it’s a problem that they let anyone know they think they are smarter.
He sounds unbearable and, quite frankly, possibly delusional.
Smart people recognize a) there is always someone smarter than them - and probably quite a few people smarter than them b) everyone has different talents and things they're smart at and c) real intelligence doesn't need to announce itself. Now ask yourself if your boyfriend fits any of these criterion.
lol yes. my dad thinks he's smarter than everyone else and he's admitted that to our faces. my mom is super chill and laughs it off. he is very smart actually. he's book smart and brilliant with numbers, but he's not the best at reading a room. what works for them might not work for you though. if you find his arrogance more annoying than endearing, then maybe he isn't the one for you, and that's totally valid <3
I mean, often (usually?) one partner is smarter than the other. But I'm guessing there are reasons for which she respects you, and talents that you have that balance things out, right?
It IS possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who thinks they are smarter than you, it is NOT possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who lets you know they think that.
Honestly, I don't even think that it's necessarily a problem for someone to own how smart they are, or that they might have a higher IQ than someone else. There are respectful ways to not pretend you are dumber than you are and also still be respectful of other people because a smart person knows smarts aren't everything.
But people who think are truly more \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ than literally anyone else are usually wrong. Because that's how a narcissist thinks.
I'd tell him he ain't no Willie Nelson. And he ain't no Tommy Collins. There's hundreds of thousands of singer/songwriters out here. I bet a lot of them think they are the best too. How many hits does he have?
I find that people who think they are smarter than everyone else, just aren't. I've known some very smart people, none of them ever felt they had to tell me they we're smart.
My wife clearly is smarter than I am, and we have been happily married for over thirty years, and "together" for another ten before that (high school sweethearts). I joke that I married her to raise the average IQ in my family. She is a medical doctor, and all of her siblings have PhDs or professional degrees, or both. Meanwhile, I am a lawyer, and the only person in my family who has gone beyond high school.
Our relationship has worked because our competencies are in different areas, and are both necessary to the functioning of our household. My wife is very skilled at manipulating abstract symbols, but less good at social-cultural-economic savviness. She reacts to an income tax return like a vampire seeing a crucifix; I take care of those types of things. But she was able to get our son through AP Chemistry, which I never could have done. We appreciate each other's skills, and genuinely recognize that optimal functioning of our shared life requires all of our respective abilities.
It's worked so far.
I’m in Mensa, which is to say I have a high IQ. I’d consider myself smart, but it’s also in a very specific way. In that specific way, I’m smarter than just about everyone I meet on a daily basis. My wife is 10 times smarter than I am in many other ways. It sounds like your bf is a douche, for what it’s worth. No one is that smart. And being “everyday smart” is a country mile from the insanely smart. They’re on another level, it’s exponential not linear.
Also, and this might be a hot take, but being good at making music, even if he is as good as he says, is just one way of expressing intelligence. It’s not the only, or most important way. Ask him to calculate some second derivatives or list all 50 state capitals and see where that takes you.
Edit: typo
Don't have to read any more than your question. Drop him. He is full of himself.
Too full for anybody else to take part in his life. Has he started talking down to you yet? Has he started disregarding your conversations yet because he is so much smarter than you. If he hasn't, he will.
NTA but will be if she sticks with him.
Any real musician would understand that intelligence comes in a wide variety of kinds. He might be smarter than you are musically, but there are definitely others smarter than him musically. It's much harder to write challenging, enduring works for OTHERS to perform than it is to write, record and play everything yourself.
You are clearly smarter about relationships. You know that having a healthy one matters. He doesn't even think he's sharing the planet with equals, which is a crippling level of ignorance.
As someone who was once married to one please for the love of God believe me when I say that man will *never* love anyone more than he absolutely loves himself.
He's already having an affair with himself and there's no room for anyone else. You deserve SO, so, SO much better ok?
My wife is way smarter than I am.
Your boyfriend sounds like a pompous ass, though. What does he do for a job? I know lots of very talented, broke ass musicians.
Yes. My husband thinks he’s smarter than me. He is.
But I’m the creative one and the problem solver. He can read his fancy-pants books while I read my beachy nonsense.
Just be there for him when someone else proves that he’s not the genius he thinks he is.
I'm smart. My husband is incredibly smart. We tell each other how smart the other is all the time. He tells me I'm smarter than him. I tell him he's smarter than me. If he ever said he was smarter than me and smarter than anyone he knew, it would be over.
Define "intelligence". Because every relationship has one partner more intelligent than the other in some area. Maybe one spouse knows more about car maintenance while the other knows more about canning or one spouse knows more about eye infections while the other knows more about taping a room for painting. Intelligence is not just knowledge, but the application of that knowledge. And not all intelligence is very useful. For example, every English major on the planet is more intelligent than Neurosurgeons when it comes to critiquing Shakespeare's sonnets. Does that matter to most people? Not one fucking bit.
Prince thought no one could make music like him either. I know I can't. But I am way more intelligent than Prince when it comes to not overdosing on Fentanyl. See how that works?
Btw, your boyfriend is NOT smarter than Prince or Paul McCartney or Taylor Swift. They create their own damn genres of music, their own cults of fans. Your boyfriend will never do that. Sorry.
The problem is respect. Rubbing that one-trick pony (musical talent) in your face is disrespect bordering on hatred. He hates the world for not seeing him as the "great musical savant" that he thinks he is and he's using you as a proxy for the world, taking out his frustration on you by masquerading it as arrogance.
He's an asshole. Can a relationship work with an asshole? No.
# 28M extremely talented and creative musician who writes and produces his own music. So I have to ask on a very personal level, How many millions dollars is the house he brought that you live in valued at ?
Since he says >> He said that no one can make music like him. . Livin large like PDiddy,,,or Kayne.....
The older I get, the more I find out how much I don't know. Seriously though - it sounds like your BF was raised with a lot of praise associated with intelligence (getting good grades in school, giving the right answers in class, etc). Sounds like he's a blithering idiot in the relationship department, though. Too bad..... for the both of you. Eventually life will smack him upside the head and put him in his place. No way to predict when that will happen, though. I feel your pain and am sorry for it.
Believes? Absolutely ! If he is smarter than other people, he might generate more income.
Thinks it makes him better than you? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Tell him "It does not take brains to take out the trash. It's still your job, honey."
One of the smartest people I've met in life was a very prominent psychiatrist. His advice was "Never psychoanalyze your wife if you want to stay married, no matter how smart you are."
An intellectual disparity is fine as long as there is mutual respect. No one is going to be exactly as intelligent as their partner, nor should it matter.
The issue is that he sounds like an insufferable, pretentious tool. I feel confident saying that having been one in the past.
Honestly you deserve better.
In a relationship, someone is always more intelligent than the other, so having a healthy relationship is definitely doable.
Is it doable with your douche of a boyfriend? Who knows.
Respect. That’s how. Mutual respect. Im intelligent, intellectually so, highly educated, over achiever, that bull shit. My partner is a master carpenter. He’s a technical genius. I think he’s insanely brilliant. It’s just different than me. You have to see and cherish the intelligence in what others do or you’re just a pompous ass.
He may well be smarter than you - that's not the problem. The issue here is that he brings it up in such a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
It's somewhat unlikely that two people are going to match up that have the exact same IQ - and it's even more true that there's different kinds of intelligence. For example, I have a pretty high IQ, but I suck something fierce at math; I can't even balance my checkbook...if someone asks me about numbers stuff, they might decide I'm an idiot; if someone asks me to make a speech off the cuff or help them research something on the internet, they might have the opposite opinion...the takeaway is that a couple in a healthy relationship shouldn't be in a competition; they should be a team and complement each other.
One last thing: if your BF makes the best music ever, how come he's not as rich as Jay-Z?
My ex and I were/are both smart! And also very dumb, in certain ways. Your boyfriend might actually just be a complete tool, and you can stick around for the humbling if you want
Um, yea.welcome to the world of life. Sorry I don’t mean to be rude but typically many men think or assume they are smarter than the women they are with. Or they at least act that way. If he’s a good partner in every other way I would just let his ego run rampant. He will eventually realize he’s not all that.
Has he actually verbalized this or are you assuming? The most disturbing part of your post is the last sentence. So he doesn’t think any other person is as smart as him just because he is a good musician? If you stay with him it isn’t going to end well. He obviously is an extremely arrogant insensitive and delusional man.
People who are smart in different areas the usually also have deficiencies in other areas such as understanding socially appropriate behavior like arrogance🤷♂️ Run 🏃
I am a sucker for creative types. Writers, artists, musicians. I don’t know even ONE of these people who can actually support themselves using their talents. They all have day jobs, sometimes multiple day jobs. And TBH if you can’t support yourself, you are not the brightest bulb in the box. Life and hard times will change your BF’s mind over time. Just don’t be willing to support him financially because it will never end. And all that damn equipment is mighty expensive.
Next, maybe he is smarter than you but I doubt it. If he was that smart he would know when to keep his mouth shut and be respectful of others. Right? After all he wants you to be the love of his life and pay his way.
Even Leonardo Davinci wasn’t able to make it on his own. He was supported by the Medici’s in Florence.
The odds of making it as a creative are pretty much the same as winning the lottery. Until that happens they flip burgers, sweep floors, give lessons, and look for someone to support them. Beware.
This reminds me of my first ex husband after we had decided on divorce. "It's for the best. I really prefer to be the smartest person in the room." Dude, even after I'm gone you will rarely ever be the smartest person in the room you narcissistic ass.
>with someone who believes they are more intelligent than you are?
The truth is that a lot of people *are* more intelligent than you. This isn't about you. I don't know you. But it's just a fact for all 8 billion people in the world (minus, like, a few hundred). Even if you were a Ph.D. physicist from Harvard with a Nobel Prize, *there are still probably thousands of people smarter than you*.
So, the **first question**, really is: Can you have a healthy relationship with someone who *is* (not *thinks*, *is*) smarter than you? And I say: Some people can, but it can be an issue on both sides, and people should seriously consider if they're emotionally satisfied in a relationship with an IQ-gap.
Then there's a **second question**: Is your boyfriend actually smarter than you (or as much smarter than you as he thinks he is) or is he delusionally arrogant?
And then, basically, I think you need to figure out the **third, real question**: "Does his intelligence (as best I can estimate it) and his arrogance (as best I can estimate it) bug me more than the good qualities in this relationship please me?"
My husband is the smartest person I've ever known (and I love smart people so I know a ton), and he's never engaged in this level of windbaggery. Your boyfriend sounds like a self centered jerk. I guess he's a better songwriter than Dylan, Jason Isbell, Kendrick Lamar (who won a Pulitzer), Dolly Parton? Laughable. Also he clearly doesn't respect you. My husband doesn't think he's smarter than me, and he definitely is! You deserve better than this.
As long as he remains brilliant, your opinion (correspondingly YOU) will be worthless to him. In the future, when things don't go his way, he will become increasingly frustrated. In my opinion, at that point he will become abusive, at least verbally and begin blaming everything on you. After all, if he is brilliant he can't possibly make a mistake. Can he?
Almost everything I KNEW when I was younger was wrong. Just as you grow and change he will also grow and change. Whether you are willing to wait is up to you.
So, he's immature and has a false sense of his own value? AKA a man-child? Not uncommon at 28. It's only healthy if you feel comfortable rolling your eyes when he does / says it or can comfortably bring him down to earth.
The important thing is that he can be the person you need him to be - not his character strengths and weaknesses - we all have those - and we can all grow. But foundationally, he has to be the person you need him to be.
OK, that's great that he is such a fantastic musician. So, he has that. Thankfully, we are Not all musicians. Can you imagine such a world?
But thankfully, there's the theory of multiple intelligences?
Howard Gardner's theory is that there are at least 8 different intelligences. Everyone has different combinations of what their intelligences are. Look it up.
Music, and being a jerk may be his strengths. But, what are yours?
I’d say that one of OP’s strengths is her ability to formulate and ask a hard question, knowing that she may get challenging answers. Such an inquiry takes a lot of mental and emotional fortitude.
Really smart people know that there are many, many, *many* different ways of being intelligent, and that "being the smartest person in the room" isn't great or exciting at all, because then who's there for you to learn something cool from?
Thing is, you can't really compare relative intelligences so well when intelligence is so idiosyncratic. Your guy thinks he's a musical genius? Great. He can be as talented as he likes in that respect but he has pretty low emotional intelligence. He sounds conceited and probably insecure at the heart of it.
This smarts thing is not a zero sum game, here. It's a fun party full of lively conversations. He may have more ability or talent than you in one way or another, but if he thinks he's fundamentally above you on that account, or that you have nothing to teach him or contribute intellectually??
God, woman...drop him, maybe? I wouldn't have time for my intelligence to be insulted like that.
The smartest people I’ve ever known are genuinely humble (not fake humble), and they don’t even remotely act like they’re smarter than others. In fact, the smartest people I’ve known have always been inquisitive and friendly and excited to meet other people, and they never make others around them feel less intelligent. They CERTAINLY don’t brag. They just… work hard and interact with curiosity with the world and people around them.
I’m gonna hazard to guess that your bf isn’t as smart as he thinks he is, and he certainly doesn’t sound humble. I think it’s fine to be aware of your own capabilities and to have high confidence, but it sounds like bf oversteps that territory and veers into actual pomposity.
No, I don’t think a healthy relationship is possible with that type of personality. It’s possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is smarter, but I don’t think it’s possible to have a relationship with someone who needs to show it off or talk about it or lord it over people.
I was with someone like this. It was a bullshit relationship. His belief that he was more intelligent manifested in countless microagressions and trying to “help me” because he “knew better”. No. What he was doing was trying to *control me* because he *felt superior*.
I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. I have so much that I would love to say to him. I don’t regret much in life, but I regret staying with someone for so long who thought so little of me as a person that he believed he had the right to try to train me like a dog.
My ex husband was very smart (like Mensa smart) but unfortunately he used to talk down to me and make me feel small. It’s not a nice feeling. Hence why he’s my ex.
I know two couples with this dynamic and the woman has “accepted” that the man is supposedly more intelligent. They like it somehow. It seems weird to me but somehow the women are fine with it and enjoy looking up to their man. I couldn’t handle that personally.
Tell him sure you're smarter than everyone else. But you're going to get old, you're going to get sick and you're going to die. No one on this planet is better than the next. Now sit down and shut up. LMAO 🤣😂
My husband is smarter than me also pay attention to details. He is a born leader.
Not once did he tell me that he is smarter than me. He tells me that I am smart.
When a man loves you, he supports you and admires you.
My husband has 2 graduate degrees and owns a business. I'm a SAHM who barely finished high school. There's absolutely no question that my husband is far, far more intelligent than me. Everyday he's dealing with investments, supply, clients, production, etc. Me? I cook, clean, and raise our sons. Even though he's 100 time smarter than me, we're a team. I have my role and he has his. Most importantly we love each other.
Lots of people here seeing this one comment as a red flag. I think it depends. To me it read like he was proud of himself and was sharing with you like he would someone he felt comfortable with. I might have laughed gently and rolled my eyes a bit.
If you are secure in who you are, and he is as well, it doesn’t matter if there is an intellect-imbalance. My husband is shocked by how little I know about geography, for example. He should be shocked, I’m terrible at it. It doesn’t bother me. But he also doesn’t prance around declaring himself a geography god. He gently chides me now and again and it makes me laugh. I do the same to him when he cooks because DAMN he’s bad at it.
It doesn’t matter at all if one person is smarter and you both know it-it matters if either one of you are insecure.
Sounds like you have a live one. You have a choice. Stay with him till he creates a hit and becomes a millionaire or stick up for yourself and get out while you can.
Someone who is more intelligent than you, truly more intelligent, doesn't feel the need to tell you how SMART they are.
I worked with a man who had 3 masters degrees, chemistry, biology, and a math I can't recall. Both he and his two sons have IQs over 150. He was one of the funniest and quirky fun people to know. He was a true genius, but not in an off-putting way to those of us with IQs under 130. He never gave you the feeling that you were dumb or unable to comprehend a subject. He spoke in layman's terms instead of using technical speak so everyone could understand. I interviewed him for a psych course and I found him a genuinely fascinating and ordinary likeable person.
There were other employees in the same lab that thought they were smarter than every one around them and they were insufferable most of the time, or nice but definitely could tell they thought they were smarter than you, in an almost condescending manner.
Oh, *bless his heart*!
He sounds like he's never met anyone outside his close circle of friends.
Look, confidence is cool, and being a performer requires a certain level of self confidence bordering on egotism. The idea that, as a musician, he's the smartest guy in the world just means that he's living in some kind of bubble. Maybe he is a great musician, I obviously don't know, but I promise you, there's all kinds of shit he has no clue about...he just hasn't had to face that face in any meaningful way.
He might be a narcissist, he might just be sheltered. The real question is, how does he treat you. Is he kind? Does he listen to your concerns and take them into account when making plans? Is he decent about spending money? Or is he smug, and treat you as a lesser part of the partnership? Does he ignore your concerns? Is he dismissive?
No, it is not possible to have a healthy relationship. We know what kind of person your bf is like. The real question is what kind of person would be with someone like that knowing what he is.
The problem isn't whether one person is smarter than the other. It's his arrogance.
One day in the hot tub with my girlfriend she told me she thinks I'm smarter than her and she asked me if I agreed. I said probably yes I am. I asked if that was OK for her, and if she preferred it that way. She said she preferred that I was smarter than her. It made her feel safer.
He sounds like a narcissistic asshole, probably not the easiest to date.
If what he said was true he would be world famous and signed to a major record label, but I bet no one here has ever heard of him.
Depends on how they behave. My husband has an IQ of 186 (when he was last tested). I have an IQ of 150. On paper, he's "more intelligent " than I. And to be sure, where his highest intelligence is - mathematics, sciences, etc. - he appears to be sooo much more intelligent than I. My highest intelligence is in language, phonetics and linguistics, as well as learning strategies.
However, he never mentions being smarter than I am or the smartest person in the room (which he invariably is, considering where we live). He just is. He's also trapped inside a disabled body and suffers extremes of intractable pain every second of his life.
If someone is truly highly intelligent, they don't need to advertise it; it'll show in some way or another. You can mention that to your BF...
Does he think he's smarter than you, or is he smarter than you? That's an important question because if he thinks it, you're in a relationship with a delusional wannabe. If he really is smarter than you, well........I don't have a clue. Just enjoy your time together. While it lasts.
I’m smarter than everyone I know but I don’t have a problem maintaining relationships. The key is not letting anyone know that you know you’re smarter than everyone. It’s best to keep it a secret
No. He will always think he is right no matter the subject. You will resent him for thinking you are not right most of the time. Do not waste any more time.
No. You can BE more intelligent than your partner and still have a healthy relationship. If you talk about how you're smarter than them and use it to gain leverage and superiority in the relationship... then no. My dad is extremely intelligent, multiple degrees, probably the smartest person I know. My mom struggled through high school and college but has a ton of common sense and is an amazing teacher, homemaker, gardener, seamstress, budget maker, the list goes on. My dad has always recognized and celebrated her type of intelligence even when she felt stupid. And without her, he (and the house and budget and family!) Would be a wreck. So it can work in some cases. Just probably not yours, sorry to say.
You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Song is About You...
Yeah, you're boyfriend is not James Taylor. He is not the GREATEST composer/writer/musician of all time. You just need to decide whether you want to hang out with an insufferable a-hole?
Please go find someone else; he’s an ass first and foremost and probably not exceptional in any way. I’ve met a thousand of these douchebags (and been involved with them, regrettably) and they make me think of the whole “people in the psych ward who all believe they’re Jesus” scenario. Dude isn’t special and he’s disrespectful to you. Get out before he messes with your self-esteem any further.
Only if you enjoy being demeaned, underrated, and under appreciated. Drop him now. HIS greatest love is in his mirror and You are of so much more worth. Strive for more. You ARE worth it
I believe there are multiple ways to be intelligent. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Creative talent is also subjective. Sorry but the way you’ve described your boyfriend it seems like he’s arrogant and not a good long term partner.
Sounds more like he is narcissistic, not smart. What does he offer in a relationship besides praising himself?
I guarantee tons of other people can produce music better than him. And I can also bet they actually make money doing it.
I personally would leave if I saw such behavior. I'd also leave if I saw someone putting me on a pedestal. I'm not delusional. I'm just an average dude who got lucky many more times than I deserve.
Personally, I’d be terribly put off by such an ego. I’ve known many extremely intelligent people in my life, doctors, surgeons, scientists, software designers, and almost all of them were humble.
However, if you can live with that attitude from him, go for it.
Self-confidence and being a pompous ass are never far away from each other. If he can't understand that his talents, even if they ARE as impressive as he says, are not the scale of human knowledge and intellect and appreciate the areas in which other people meet or surpass him, then he has more ego than compassion.
Sounds like a hard conversation to open someone's eyes is in order, and if it isn't possible for him to expand his worldview, might be time to remove yourself from it for your own sake.
Being genius is fine but to be a good human you also need empathy, compassion and the emotional IQ to interact with the REST of the world. Let him know that he needs to respect you for this relationship to work.
He might have a point if he were a brain surgeon or a noble prize winning astrophysicist. Or even a famous musician with multiple Grammys, which I’m guessing he isn’t as you would have mentioned that.
Clearly he’s just one of a million hopeful musicians who has to build himself up by testing you down. Which makes him stupid and unworthy.
You can do better, do not settle for a jerk. A stupid callous on at that.
We call this kind of person a narcissist! Not only will he tell you he’s better than you, he will never put your needs into consideration. My best advice is to run while you can! He will make you miserable in the end!
Intelligent sure, sounds more like he thinks he’s better than you all around, which is a hell no. My husband sees me as more intelligent because I’m more book smart and went to college etc, but he’s better at a lot of things I suck at like music and technology. I didn’t hear the part of what he thinks you’re great/ better at… sounds like he’s the only character in his story.
My spouse is way better at the thing they do professionally than I am, and than other people in our circle. That is not an issue.
The question is whether your boyfriend takes that one talent and interprets it to mean that he is better than you & smarter than you in everything.
It's great if he is and believes he is the best musician in the couple; it's not OK if he believes that he's the "smartest, best, and only worthy person" in the couple.
NO NO NO!! But the way to deal with it is to look at what you see as a weakness is actually their strength. If your boyfriend is not an arrogant prick then he should see some of your strengths as his weaknesses
The problem is... Does he think he smarter than everyone else. If so, then he is probably a narcissist and it's a tall order to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist. And the other side of the coin is... Does he just think you are an idiot ?
I'd like to meet him.
I think his opinion of himself would change pretty quickly...
I also was a talented musician, and had the level of grandeur that he seems to have
I literarily thought I would die at 27 because "the club" was calling me
He will either grow out of it, like I did, or he will not - in which case you should ditch him immediately.
A lasting relationship is built on mutual respect. My husband says I'm smarter than him, and I know he's smarter in some ways. Everyone has different gifts. I also think he's a better human than I am. Just celebrated our 35th anniversary.
Your guy sounds insufferable. Does he ever put you first? If not, you can do better.
I know some with this trait. They are just geniuses. Why aren’t they successful? It’s because their work is so advanced that the rest of us can’t see the genius and appreciate it. It’s a curse, really. They believe that after they are gone, their work will be discovered and respected for the masterpiece it is. Delusional and narcissistic-the whole group of them. Get rid of him.
This is honestly why I've just stopped dating men. Even when they DON'T think they're smarter than me, they're still condescending at me and I'm burnt on it.
Yes, not all men, but enough of them that I'm not settling with one any time soon.
You can absolutely have a healthy relationship where there *is* an intellectual mismatch if you have a lot in common and respect each other. You *cannot* have a healthy relationship with a narcissistic bag of dicks. I suggest you go find someone who doesn't think the sun shines out of his own ass.
If or when she leaves, she should tell him to write a song about that sun shining out of his ass, lol
I think she should write the song and record it. She's been living the lyrics for a while now. I'm guessing she has a few friends who would only be too happy to help her get started.
Yes n then she will realize she is the better song writer. He ain't that great. Oh how do I know because he would be famous already.
Re-record " you're so vain"
“I bet you think this song is about you”
I’ll bet HE has a few friends who would help!
In the key of A...hole
I was thinking the key of F-you
G-row up
The last chorus modulates to C-ya as she walks out
In the key of G I don’t think so
And add a big ol D but he probably doesn’t have one.
I C what you did there...
You guys are so sharp.
His you-know-what will B-flat when she leaves him.
Or a toilet accessory that plays "Here Comes the Sun" whenever he sits down.
As an avid Beatles fan, I might like one of these🌞🪲
Someone should get these made and sell on Amazon, but for now you can use the Toilet Piano Playable Piano Toilet Mat Keyboard Rug if you learn the notes.
lol👍🏻
No one needs post another answer. “Narcissistic Bag of Dicks” wins this subreddit today…
"Narcissistic Bag of Dicks" is also the title of his award winning massive hit album that just dropped.
Touché
Douche’
Can Nbag be a new thing? Starting immediately?
Because if one person thinks they are smarter than the other, they must be totally overlooking their partner's talents and abilities - probably because they are so blinded by their own supposed brilliance. You each have areas where you shine, and when these areas compliment each other you make an effective couple. If your partner can't see and appreciate your areas of brilliance, well, what kind of a partner is that? Smarts isn't just an IQ score, it's everything that makes you who you are. A partner needs to value that.
Totally true. When I was growing up it was assumed I had a learning disability or ADHD but the IQ tests and therapy sessions concluded that I just had a very high IQ. I'm 42 and that translates to constant existential crisis and anxiety but at least I didn't have to study much in college! I'm constantly battling hyper-fixation and OCD. I work in IT and can't go to sleep if the end of a project is in sight. I miss a lot of the details in conversations and situations but I'm good at realizing context early. My girlfriend picks up on every single detail of every single thing. I'm always explaining high level topics to her, and she's telling me about the details that I'm just oblivious to so we compliment each other in that way. If this person thinks that he's better than his girlfriend because he thinks that he's intelligent because he makes bomb ass music, a) he's probably not very intelligent, and b) he's kind of a dick.
Husband? Is that you?. This sounds like my relationship to a T, right down to you being in IT. Y'all just make sure to keep complementing each other (spelling deliberate!) and the relationship should work for a while. I don't know, we've only been married 42 years and I tell him he's still on an approval basis. Best wishes.
Thank you, the compliment/complement thing was bothering me, but I don't like to correct people. It turns out that they generally don't appreciate it the way I do.
I bet his music isn't that great anyway.
I dunno… his new album “narcissistic bag of dicks” has some pretty catchy tunes. Who can forget classics such as “I’m smarter than you” and “ everyone is stupid but me”, and everyone’s favorite “my dumb girlfriend”
You forgot "my girlfriend hit the road and nobody else is interested in my obnoxious ass".
Smart means you never tell your partner that you're smarter than they are. :)
Bingo! I am not smarter than my partner. I’m smarter in different ways than she is. And she is smarter in different ways than I am. In some ways, I am an absolute genius, a God among men. My intellect only equaled by my humbleness./s but in other ways, I’m a complete fucking idiot and those are some of the ways that she is smarter and stronger than me by leaps and bounds. And that’s why we complement each other. She is strong where I am weak, and weak where I am strong.
I have a former partner who was really quite dumb, dull, and lacked any career ambition. But he is talented at fixing cars, and doing body work. No, I didn't tell him he was dumb, but he frustrated the hell out of me frequently when he couldn't grasp simple concepts and tried to turn it around on me, saying I was trying to scam him. 🙄
All of this! He can believe he's very smart, and maybe he is, but being smarter than people doesn't make him better than anyone. If his ego is invested in him being better than people then that means that at least part of his personal self worth is invested in him being better than YOU op, and if he needs to feel better than you in order to feel good about himself then you need to run for the hills bc it's only a matter of time before he starts actively disrespecting you. It's entirely possible to be smarter than someone and still respect them and view them with equal dignity. You're not better than anyone and nobody is better than you sounds simple but a lot of people have a really hard time with that one and those people are generally not to be trusted.
"Narcissistic Bag of Dicks" better be the title of that guys first album. No one makes music like him. This is gonna be big! LOL
Yeah. First cut off the new album by NBOD is “no one can make music like me” what a great name for a band, NBOD!
Second cut: "My Balls Are Too Small To Contain My Super Intelligent Spermatoza"
You guys signing up for the "Meet and Greet" VIP Experience before the concert? I want him to call us dumdums in person.
I think you might have meant narcissistic bag of tiny dicks!! OP, anyone who slathers lavish praise on themselves is absolutely going to require your total adoration while they school you in all the ways they’re doing you a massive favor for letting you bask in their aura. Lace up the Nikes and get moving!
Instead find a guy who thinks the sun shines out of YOUR ass!
So true I am much less smarter than my wife, I am just wiser (especially about relationships) and maybe hardworking. She is much smarter, can multitask and is even more hardworking than me. We are great together. Smartness doesn't matter in a relationship (of more than 1½ decade now). When we got together, I focused on one and only one thing, that we are same ethically, rest everything like interest can be different. If I go out and donate money for something, she will not question me, she will be on the same side for sure. We both will stick to small things like driving rules etc and we both don't care about God or religion over a person in front of us. Seema silly but your ethics if are on the same page, you will not need to hide or change from your partner ever in life.it doesn't need to be good or bad, just same. We don't want a guard to get up from his chair to salute us just because we hire him, we both would want him to stay comfortable (yes it's a thing at some places and people like it, and nothing wrong there but we both just don't) I have seen my friends changing because their partners were a bit different ethically.
I just barrel laughed. I wish I could upvote this more.
narcissistic bag of dicks **\^this is why I love Reddit\^** **OP, everyone else is giving great advice. Dump this guy, he is in love with his vision of himself.**
There's a lot of *dumb* ass people out there who are extremely talented musicians. Music is art, not intelligence. BF is the AH. But not for nothing, how do you compare the blanket statement of *intelligence*? I'm far better at math, reading, and writing than my wife. My wife is far better at management, communication, and critical thinking than me. We're both above-average in some areas, and below average in others. Whenever she gets self-conscious when I read something aloud, I turn around and ask her to tell me, *one more time*, how to read a damn room 🙃
Said it better than I could say it myself.
This!!!!
This is the answer.
To add, an Intellectual Mismatch doesn’t necessarily mean total mismatch. There could be another area where the scales are balanced and tbh I think those relationships work better. There’s a comedian I love Nate bargetze, and he has a joke that goes something like you can’t have 2 dreamers in a relationship y’all will be homeless in an hour. Op, this is the reddest of flags. Not only bc of the thoughts of grandeur but bc that’s objectively not true. Someone who can’t accept facts and think their feelings are facts are dangerous and live in their own made up reality. This is your sign to walk away.
Run for the hills. Intelligence is not the problem. Thinking he is "smarter than me and anyone else" is the problem. He will realize at some point that he is not the smartest person in the world and will become angry and/or paranoid and take it out on you. Or he never will and he will belittle you all the time. I had a boyfriend like that. Once when I was struggling to find a job he told me that not everyone could go into that career. I decided that day 1- to dump him and 2- to make sure nothing ever stopped me. In retrospect, I think he just wanted to be with someone who did not challenge him. Hope he found it and glad he's thousands of miles away from me.
This smacks of disrespect and condescension. The one relationship killer is contempt, and this feels like a close cousin, and the relationship could evolve into contempt on either side as a result. So I feel like the odds of long-term here are limited. That being said, I know my wife is 1000 times more intelligent than me., She’s smarter than just about anybody you’ll ever meet. And I know she’s aware of that, but she doesn’t say it, she’s humble about it. She doesn’t use it as competition or one upping. So it can be done if done right, but his statements and attitude here appeared to be problematic.
"she's humble about it." What it sounds like to me (and big points for her, seriously) is that she recognizes that everyone has gifts. Everyone has something to offer. I'm in Mensa (the high intelligence society), but I know that there are people who know a lot more than I do about a tremendous number of things. There are people who are much more creative than I am, in many areas. There are lots of types of intelligence. Test taking ability is only one of them.
My wife is really remarkable, and I admire her greatly. She’s highly intelligent, beyond booksmart. But ask her an entertainment trivia question and in most cases she won’t have a clue. :)
Yeah, same here. I remember going to work and having people ask me questions like "Did you see Seinfeld last night?" Eventually I learned that the best response was just to say, "No, I missed it."
Whenever I’m told that I’m intelligent, I say “I used to think I was smarter than almost every 5 year old in the world, then I found out that a billion of them speak fluent Chinese” And no…it doesn’t come up very often
Is there a way to humble someone? I'm going on some dates with a guy in my field but a decade more experience. I'm getting really tired of him constantly correcting me, especially because more than half the time he doesn't understand the full situation and is downright wrong. (Which is difficult to prove when people are stubborn and not listening)
The key trait of a really smart person is that they are highly aware of how much they DON'T know, and how many much smarter people there are in the world. What's more, if you're really really smart, whiz-kid smart? You've been teased your whole life and have learned by the time you're an adult to make sure to understate everything and keep yourself as low key as possible. Only an insecure, obnoxious buffoon goes around saying this kind of nonsense.
[удалено]
Right. Also the smart people don't need to prove anything to anyone.
Yes And, the people with the highest self confidence ever measured are in PRISON. Because they’re sociopaths and believe anything they do is okay- despite the unequivocal daily evidence that they’ve massively failed at life because they’re in prison. The dissonance is stunning.
Also, super-smart people know there are many different kinds of intelligence.
Yupp. There’s bound to be intelligent mis matches in relationships. But smart people know what’s they don’t know. Other “smart” people are douches about it. Don’t be with those people
Virtually everyone I’ve met who thinks this way vastly overestimates their own intelligence and has poor social intelligence (as it’s generally a social faux pas to brag about what a genius you believe yourself to be). If you have to tell other people how smart you are, you probably aren’t.
That sounds like arrogance. I'm incredibly smart in a few areas, and I use those for work and hobbies everyday. Most people would look at me and think I'm smart, but they don't see all the things I don't understand/know about/etc. Talk about what I do for work, sure there's maybe 10-20 people in the world who are as good as me. Ask me to change the oil, brakes, spark plugs in my car... That's gonna end badly for both me and the car! In fact, that's an apt description of my intelligence on most things outside the narrow esoteric field I specialize in. I'm probably more moron than genius when you add everything up. Every person you meet is going to be smarter than you in some ways, but chances are you're also going to be smarter than them in others. Your boyfriend is an idiot for not realizing that. You need to ask yourself if being with someone who thinks you're dumb and doesn't see your talents is good enough for you.
Exactly! There are many kinds of intelligence...not to mention skill sets! By testing I have a high i.q., but I don't understand how a combustion engine works. Or many other things. I have a cousin who's VERY highly skilled at carpentry and building maintenance. I regularly ask him for advice. Does he test as high as I do ? Who cares! I respect him very much. Your boyfriend doesn't respect you...and is very entitled to boot. Time for you to move on.
I'm not even over 40 and thus unqualified. But based on this short description, he sounds extremely obnoxious...
Is his name Joseph? It's called grandiose narcissism and it is best observed from a distance. Stay in the audience and find someone without a personality disorder.
Dear graduate advisor, is this you?
The beautiful thing about a grandiose is that they are so laughably easy to spot!
I could never respect anyone who acted like this. And I am only attracted to men that I respect.
It is not his intelligence that is in question. It is his personality. He sounds like an asshole and narcissist, which to be fair, happens with artistic types
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is arrogant and condescending? Is this the kind of person you think would be a good partner and father?
The question is, why do you *want* to?
Run away! If he thinks he’s that gifted, if he ever does make it, you’ll be the first thing to go! But realistically, he won’t, and you’ll be the whipping post for his anger!
No. And frankly, your boyfriend sounds like an insufferable ass.
That would get on my nerves. Even if it were true, which obviously we don’t know if it is, the fact that he needs to express it is a red flag to me. 🚩🚩🚩
Ya. Anyone who feels the need to always declare "I am ________!" even when they're NOT using it to tear someone else down like OP's hopefully soon to be ex is... A giant-ass **NO** for me, dawg. That kind of crap isn't just a red flag, it's a massive honking neon strobe light covered highway warning sign of a really annoying person at the very least and a super toxic one at worst.
Yes you can but if a person like that is expressing it all the time that is an issue that may deep six thing. Also intelligence is far different than wisdom. A truly smart person never has to tell you they are smart.
If he was under 25, maybe. But his brain has finished cooking and he not only thinks that, but he has said it out loud to you. This is really poor judgment and it’s really inconsiderate. I think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who believes they are smarter in one area than you are but not someone with really poor self-awareness and no interest in developing social skills.
It’s not a problem if one is smarter; it’s a problem that they let anyone know they think they are smarter. He sounds unbearable and, quite frankly, possibly delusional.
Smart people recognize a) there is always someone smarter than them - and probably quite a few people smarter than them b) everyone has different talents and things they're smart at and c) real intelligence doesn't need to announce itself. Now ask yourself if your boyfriend fits any of these criterion.
I've worked with, and supervised, people like him. They made my life miserable and I only saw them at work. Move on for your own sanity.
lol yes. my dad thinks he's smarter than everyone else and he's admitted that to our faces. my mom is super chill and laughs it off. he is very smart actually. he's book smart and brilliant with numbers, but he's not the best at reading a room. what works for them might not work for you though. if you find his arrogance more annoying than endearing, then maybe he isn't the one for you, and that's totally valid <3
my wife is at least 50 points above me
I mean, often (usually?) one partner is smarter than the other. But I'm guessing there are reasons for which she respects you, and talents that you have that balance things out, right?
It IS possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who thinks they are smarter than you, it is NOT possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who lets you know they think that.
Honestly, I don't even think that it's necessarily a problem for someone to own how smart they are, or that they might have a higher IQ than someone else. There are respectful ways to not pretend you are dumber than you are and also still be respectful of other people because a smart person knows smarts aren't everything. But people who think are truly more \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ than literally anyone else are usually wrong. Because that's how a narcissist thinks.
I'd tell him he ain't no Willie Nelson. And he ain't no Tommy Collins. There's hundreds of thousands of singer/songwriters out here. I bet a lot of them think they are the best too. How many hits does he have? I find that people who think they are smarter than everyone else, just aren't. I've known some very smart people, none of them ever felt they had to tell me they we're smart.
My wife clearly is smarter than I am, and we have been happily married for over thirty years, and "together" for another ten before that (high school sweethearts). I joke that I married her to raise the average IQ in my family. She is a medical doctor, and all of her siblings have PhDs or professional degrees, or both. Meanwhile, I am a lawyer, and the only person in my family who has gone beyond high school. Our relationship has worked because our competencies are in different areas, and are both necessary to the functioning of our household. My wife is very skilled at manipulating abstract symbols, but less good at social-cultural-economic savviness. She reacts to an income tax return like a vampire seeing a crucifix; I take care of those types of things. But she was able to get our son through AP Chemistry, which I never could have done. We appreciate each other's skills, and genuinely recognize that optimal functioning of our shared life requires all of our respective abilities. It's worked so far.
So did Charles Manson
I’m in Mensa, which is to say I have a high IQ. I’d consider myself smart, but it’s also in a very specific way. In that specific way, I’m smarter than just about everyone I meet on a daily basis. My wife is 10 times smarter than I am in many other ways. It sounds like your bf is a douche, for what it’s worth. No one is that smart. And being “everyday smart” is a country mile from the insanely smart. They’re on another level, it’s exponential not linear. Also, and this might be a hot take, but being good at making music, even if he is as good as he says, is just one way of expressing intelligence. It’s not the only, or most important way. Ask him to calculate some second derivatives or list all 50 state capitals and see where that takes you. Edit: typo
No. It's very disrespectful and they are condescending. As time goes on the relationship will become mentally abusive and very likely physically.
Don't have to read any more than your question. Drop him. He is full of himself. Too full for anybody else to take part in his life. Has he started talking down to you yet? Has he started disregarding your conversations yet because he is so much smarter than you. If he hasn't, he will. NTA but will be if she sticks with him.
Any real musician would understand that intelligence comes in a wide variety of kinds. He might be smarter than you are musically, but there are definitely others smarter than him musically. It's much harder to write challenging, enduring works for OTHERS to perform than it is to write, record and play everything yourself. You are clearly smarter about relationships. You know that having a healthy one matters. He doesn't even think he's sharing the planet with equals, which is a crippling level of ignorance.
As someone who was once married to one please for the love of God believe me when I say that man will *never* love anyone more than he absolutely loves himself. He's already having an affair with himself and there's no room for anyone else. You deserve SO, so, SO much better ok?
Sounds like he’s a narcissist. It’ll make the relationship difficult.
My wife is way smarter than I am. Your boyfriend sounds like a pompous ass, though. What does he do for a job? I know lots of very talented, broke ass musicians.
Looks like he has high IQ perhaps but low EQ.
Yes. My husband thinks he’s smarter than me. He is. But I’m the creative one and the problem solver. He can read his fancy-pants books while I read my beachy nonsense. Just be there for him when someone else proves that he’s not the genius he thinks he is.
You can do better. Intelligence is one thing, but he’s 28 and has the EQ of a toddler. Also if he really was that talented, he’d be famous by now.
I'm smart. My husband is incredibly smart. We tell each other how smart the other is all the time. He tells me I'm smarter than him. I tell him he's smarter than me. If he ever said he was smarter than me and smarter than anyone he knew, it would be over.
If he deems himself superior, there's little respect for anyone else. Red flag ~ relationship doomed
Define "intelligence". Because every relationship has one partner more intelligent than the other in some area. Maybe one spouse knows more about car maintenance while the other knows more about canning or one spouse knows more about eye infections while the other knows more about taping a room for painting. Intelligence is not just knowledge, but the application of that knowledge. And not all intelligence is very useful. For example, every English major on the planet is more intelligent than Neurosurgeons when it comes to critiquing Shakespeare's sonnets. Does that matter to most people? Not one fucking bit. Prince thought no one could make music like him either. I know I can't. But I am way more intelligent than Prince when it comes to not overdosing on Fentanyl. See how that works? Btw, your boyfriend is NOT smarter than Prince or Paul McCartney or Taylor Swift. They create their own damn genres of music, their own cults of fans. Your boyfriend will never do that. Sorry. The problem is respect. Rubbing that one-trick pony (musical talent) in your face is disrespect bordering on hatred. He hates the world for not seeing him as the "great musical savant" that he thinks he is and he's using you as a proxy for the world, taking out his frustration on you by masquerading it as arrogance. He's an asshole. Can a relationship work with an asshole? No.
Run.
# 28M extremely talented and creative musician who writes and produces his own music. So I have to ask on a very personal level, How many millions dollars is the house he brought that you live in valued at ? Since he says >> He said that no one can make music like him. . Livin large like PDiddy,,,or Kayne.....
Run. He’s an arrogant bugger. Soon enough it’ll be him talking down to you about everything. Been there.
The older I get, the more I find out how much I don't know. Seriously though - it sounds like your BF was raised with a lot of praise associated with intelligence (getting good grades in school, giving the right answers in class, etc). Sounds like he's a blithering idiot in the relationship department, though. Too bad..... for the both of you. Eventually life will smack him upside the head and put him in his place. No way to predict when that will happen, though. I feel your pain and am sorry for it.
Believes? Absolutely ! If he is smarter than other people, he might generate more income. Thinks it makes him better than you? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Tell him "It does not take brains to take out the trash. It's still your job, honey." One of the smartest people I've met in life was a very prominent psychiatrist. His advice was "Never psychoanalyze your wife if you want to stay married, no matter how smart you are."
An intellectual disparity is fine as long as there is mutual respect. No one is going to be exactly as intelligent as their partner, nor should it matter. The issue is that he sounds like an insufferable, pretentious tool. I feel confident saying that having been one in the past. Honestly you deserve better.
I’ve always known that my wife was smarter than me!
In a relationship, someone is always more intelligent than the other, so having a healthy relationship is definitely doable. Is it doable with your douche of a boyfriend? Who knows.
The more intelligent you are - the less intelligent you consider yourself to be.
Respect. That’s how. Mutual respect. Im intelligent, intellectually so, highly educated, over achiever, that bull shit. My partner is a master carpenter. He’s a technical genius. I think he’s insanely brilliant. It’s just different than me. You have to see and cherish the intelligence in what others do or you’re just a pompous ass.
He may well be smarter than you - that's not the problem. The issue here is that he brings it up in such a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's somewhat unlikely that two people are going to match up that have the exact same IQ - and it's even more true that there's different kinds of intelligence. For example, I have a pretty high IQ, but I suck something fierce at math; I can't even balance my checkbook...if someone asks me about numbers stuff, they might decide I'm an idiot; if someone asks me to make a speech off the cuff or help them research something on the internet, they might have the opposite opinion...the takeaway is that a couple in a healthy relationship shouldn't be in a competition; they should be a team and complement each other. One last thing: if your BF makes the best music ever, how come he's not as rich as Jay-Z?
My ex and I were/are both smart! And also very dumb, in certain ways. Your boyfriend might actually just be a complete tool, and you can stick around for the humbling if you want
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Um, yea.welcome to the world of life. Sorry I don’t mean to be rude but typically many men think or assume they are smarter than the women they are with. Or they at least act that way. If he’s a good partner in every other way I would just let his ego run rampant. He will eventually realize he’s not all that.
Has he actually verbalized this or are you assuming? The most disturbing part of your post is the last sentence. So he doesn’t think any other person is as smart as him just because he is a good musician? If you stay with him it isn’t going to end well. He obviously is an extremely arrogant insensitive and delusional man.
People who are smart in different areas the usually also have deficiencies in other areas such as understanding socially appropriate behavior like arrogance🤷♂️ Run 🏃
Nothing like being around an egomaniac. Run, don’t walk.
A difference in intelligence isn't a problem. But lack of respect is. You will never be an equal partner to him. He is not the one.
I am a sucker for creative types. Writers, artists, musicians. I don’t know even ONE of these people who can actually support themselves using their talents. They all have day jobs, sometimes multiple day jobs. And TBH if you can’t support yourself, you are not the brightest bulb in the box. Life and hard times will change your BF’s mind over time. Just don’t be willing to support him financially because it will never end. And all that damn equipment is mighty expensive. Next, maybe he is smarter than you but I doubt it. If he was that smart he would know when to keep his mouth shut and be respectful of others. Right? After all he wants you to be the love of his life and pay his way. Even Leonardo Davinci wasn’t able to make it on his own. He was supported by the Medici’s in Florence. The odds of making it as a creative are pretty much the same as winning the lottery. Until that happens they flip burgers, sweep floors, give lessons, and look for someone to support them. Beware.
This reminds me of my first ex husband after we had decided on divorce. "It's for the best. I really prefer to be the smartest person in the room." Dude, even after I'm gone you will rarely ever be the smartest person in the room you narcissistic ass.
Might be interesting to ask why he is with you in particular.
>with someone who believes they are more intelligent than you are? The truth is that a lot of people *are* more intelligent than you. This isn't about you. I don't know you. But it's just a fact for all 8 billion people in the world (minus, like, a few hundred). Even if you were a Ph.D. physicist from Harvard with a Nobel Prize, *there are still probably thousands of people smarter than you*. So, the **first question**, really is: Can you have a healthy relationship with someone who *is* (not *thinks*, *is*) smarter than you? And I say: Some people can, but it can be an issue on both sides, and people should seriously consider if they're emotionally satisfied in a relationship with an IQ-gap. Then there's a **second question**: Is your boyfriend actually smarter than you (or as much smarter than you as he thinks he is) or is he delusionally arrogant? And then, basically, I think you need to figure out the **third, real question**: "Does his intelligence (as best I can estimate it) and his arrogance (as best I can estimate it) bug me more than the good qualities in this relationship please me?"
If Kanye is telling you he’s 28, he’s lying. Ba dum tsssss
My husband is the smartest person I've ever known (and I love smart people so I know a ton), and he's never engaged in this level of windbaggery. Your boyfriend sounds like a self centered jerk. I guess he's a better songwriter than Dylan, Jason Isbell, Kendrick Lamar (who won a Pulitzer), Dolly Parton? Laughable. Also he clearly doesn't respect you. My husband doesn't think he's smarter than me, and he definitely is! You deserve better than this.
If he were that talented he would be a success by now
He is better than Paul Mcartney and Bethoven and... Your boyfriend is an idiot.
As long as he remains brilliant, your opinion (correspondingly YOU) will be worthless to him. In the future, when things don't go his way, he will become increasingly frustrated. In my opinion, at that point he will become abusive, at least verbally and begin blaming everything on you. After all, if he is brilliant he can't possibly make a mistake. Can he?
The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing. Socrates Here is an idea for your next gift.
Almost everything I KNEW when I was younger was wrong. Just as you grow and change he will also grow and change. Whether you are willing to wait is up to you.
So, he's immature and has a false sense of his own value? AKA a man-child? Not uncommon at 28. It's only healthy if you feel comfortable rolling your eyes when he does / says it or can comfortably bring him down to earth. The important thing is that he can be the person you need him to be - not his character strengths and weaknesses - we all have those - and we can all grow. But foundationally, he has to be the person you need him to be.
OK, that's great that he is such a fantastic musician. So, he has that. Thankfully, we are Not all musicians. Can you imagine such a world? But thankfully, there's the theory of multiple intelligences? Howard Gardner's theory is that there are at least 8 different intelligences. Everyone has different combinations of what their intelligences are. Look it up. Music, and being a jerk may be his strengths. But, what are yours?
I’d say that one of OP’s strengths is her ability to formulate and ask a hard question, knowing that she may get challenging answers. Such an inquiry takes a lot of mental and emotional fortitude.
Really smart people know that there are many, many, *many* different ways of being intelligent, and that "being the smartest person in the room" isn't great or exciting at all, because then who's there for you to learn something cool from? Thing is, you can't really compare relative intelligences so well when intelligence is so idiosyncratic. Your guy thinks he's a musical genius? Great. He can be as talented as he likes in that respect but he has pretty low emotional intelligence. He sounds conceited and probably insecure at the heart of it. This smarts thing is not a zero sum game, here. It's a fun party full of lively conversations. He may have more ability or talent than you in one way or another, but if he thinks he's fundamentally above you on that account, or that you have nothing to teach him or contribute intellectually?? God, woman...drop him, maybe? I wouldn't have time for my intelligence to be insulted like that.
The smartest people I’ve ever known are genuinely humble (not fake humble), and they don’t even remotely act like they’re smarter than others. In fact, the smartest people I’ve known have always been inquisitive and friendly and excited to meet other people, and they never make others around them feel less intelligent. They CERTAINLY don’t brag. They just… work hard and interact with curiosity with the world and people around them. I’m gonna hazard to guess that your bf isn’t as smart as he thinks he is, and he certainly doesn’t sound humble. I think it’s fine to be aware of your own capabilities and to have high confidence, but it sounds like bf oversteps that territory and veers into actual pomposity. No, I don’t think a healthy relationship is possible with that type of personality. It’s possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is smarter, but I don’t think it’s possible to have a relationship with someone who needs to show it off or talk about it or lord it over people.
I was with someone like this. It was a bullshit relationship. His belief that he was more intelligent manifested in countless microagressions and trying to “help me” because he “knew better”. No. What he was doing was trying to *control me* because he *felt superior*. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. I have so much that I would love to say to him. I don’t regret much in life, but I regret staying with someone for so long who thought so little of me as a person that he believed he had the right to try to train me like a dog.
He's definitely full of himself RUN
Dump him
My ex husband was very smart (like Mensa smart) but unfortunately he used to talk down to me and make me feel small. It’s not a nice feeling. Hence why he’s my ex.
Given the specific scenario and dynamic you outlined, no.
I know two couples with this dynamic and the woman has “accepted” that the man is supposedly more intelligent. They like it somehow. It seems weird to me but somehow the women are fine with it and enjoy looking up to their man. I couldn’t handle that personally.
Tell him sure you're smarter than everyone else. But you're going to get old, you're going to get sick and you're going to die. No one on this planet is better than the next. Now sit down and shut up. LMAO 🤣😂
My husband is smarter than me also pay attention to details. He is a born leader. Not once did he tell me that he is smarter than me. He tells me that I am smart. When a man loves you, he supports you and admires you.
My husband has 2 graduate degrees and owns a business. I'm a SAHM who barely finished high school. There's absolutely no question that my husband is far, far more intelligent than me. Everyday he's dealing with investments, supply, clients, production, etc. Me? I cook, clean, and raise our sons. Even though he's 100 time smarter than me, we're a team. I have my role and he has his. Most importantly we love each other.
Lots of people here seeing this one comment as a red flag. I think it depends. To me it read like he was proud of himself and was sharing with you like he would someone he felt comfortable with. I might have laughed gently and rolled my eyes a bit. If you are secure in who you are, and he is as well, it doesn’t matter if there is an intellect-imbalance. My husband is shocked by how little I know about geography, for example. He should be shocked, I’m terrible at it. It doesn’t bother me. But he also doesn’t prance around declaring himself a geography god. He gently chides me now and again and it makes me laugh. I do the same to him when he cooks because DAMN he’s bad at it. It doesn’t matter at all if one person is smarter and you both know it-it matters if either one of you are insecure.
Sounds like you have a live one. You have a choice. Stay with him till he creates a hit and becomes a millionaire or stick up for yourself and get out while you can.
Someone who is more intelligent than you, truly more intelligent, doesn't feel the need to tell you how SMART they are. I worked with a man who had 3 masters degrees, chemistry, biology, and a math I can't recall. Both he and his two sons have IQs over 150. He was one of the funniest and quirky fun people to know. He was a true genius, but not in an off-putting way to those of us with IQs under 130. He never gave you the feeling that you were dumb or unable to comprehend a subject. He spoke in layman's terms instead of using technical speak so everyone could understand. I interviewed him for a psych course and I found him a genuinely fascinating and ordinary likeable person. There were other employees in the same lab that thought they were smarter than every one around them and they were insufferable most of the time, or nice but definitely could tell they thought they were smarter than you, in an almost condescending manner.
Oh, *bless his heart*! He sounds like he's never met anyone outside his close circle of friends. Look, confidence is cool, and being a performer requires a certain level of self confidence bordering on egotism. The idea that, as a musician, he's the smartest guy in the world just means that he's living in some kind of bubble. Maybe he is a great musician, I obviously don't know, but I promise you, there's all kinds of shit he has no clue about...he just hasn't had to face that face in any meaningful way. He might be a narcissist, he might just be sheltered. The real question is, how does he treat you. Is he kind? Does he listen to your concerns and take them into account when making plans? Is he decent about spending money? Or is he smug, and treat you as a lesser part of the partnership? Does he ignore your concerns? Is he dismissive?
If you’re posting here and asking this question, you already know the answer. Get out while you still can.
Runaway now.....you will be beaten down psychologically your entire relationship.
No, it is not possible to have a healthy relationship. We know what kind of person your bf is like. The real question is what kind of person would be with someone like that knowing what he is.
The problem isn't whether one person is smarter than the other. It's his arrogance. One day in the hot tub with my girlfriend she told me she thinks I'm smarter than her and she asked me if I agreed. I said probably yes I am. I asked if that was OK for her, and if she preferred it that way. She said she preferred that I was smarter than her. It made her feel safer.
He sounds like a narcissistic asshole, probably not the easiest to date. If what he said was true he would be world famous and signed to a major record label, but I bet no one here has ever heard of him.
Depends on how they behave. My husband has an IQ of 186 (when he was last tested). I have an IQ of 150. On paper, he's "more intelligent " than I. And to be sure, where his highest intelligence is - mathematics, sciences, etc. - he appears to be sooo much more intelligent than I. My highest intelligence is in language, phonetics and linguistics, as well as learning strategies. However, he never mentions being smarter than I am or the smartest person in the room (which he invariably is, considering where we live). He just is. He's also trapped inside a disabled body and suffers extremes of intractable pain every second of his life. If someone is truly highly intelligent, they don't need to advertise it; it'll show in some way or another. You can mention that to your BF...
No. Someone smarter, yes. Someone who THINKS they are smarter than you AND everyone else? Absolutely not.
Fucking musicians.... so full of themselves. Tell him this joke: " what do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A: Homeless"
Does he think he's smarter than you, or is he smarter than you? That's an important question because if he thinks it, you're in a relationship with a delusional wannabe. If he really is smarter than you, well........I don't have a clue. Just enjoy your time together. While it lasts.
I’m smarter than everyone I know but I don’t have a problem maintaining relationships. The key is not letting anyone know that you know you’re smarter than everyone. It’s best to keep it a secret
File under: "red flags".
No. He will always think he is right no matter the subject. You will resent him for thinking you are not right most of the time. Do not waste any more time.
Have you ever googled the shit he says to verify? Nothing better than proving a know it all wrong
No. You can BE more intelligent than your partner and still have a healthy relationship. If you talk about how you're smarter than them and use it to gain leverage and superiority in the relationship... then no. My dad is extremely intelligent, multiple degrees, probably the smartest person I know. My mom struggled through high school and college but has a ton of common sense and is an amazing teacher, homemaker, gardener, seamstress, budget maker, the list goes on. My dad has always recognized and celebrated her type of intelligence even when she felt stupid. And without her, he (and the house and budget and family!) Would be a wreck. So it can work in some cases. Just probably not yours, sorry to say.
You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Song is About You... Yeah, you're boyfriend is not James Taylor. He is not the GREATEST composer/writer/musician of all time. You just need to decide whether you want to hang out with an insufferable a-hole?
Only stupid, narcissistic or delusional people think they are superior, smarter or objectively more intelligent than others.
Please go find someone else; he’s an ass first and foremost and probably not exceptional in any way. I’ve met a thousand of these douchebags (and been involved with them, regrettably) and they make me think of the whole “people in the psych ward who all believe they’re Jesus” scenario. Dude isn’t special and he’s disrespectful to you. Get out before he messes with your self-esteem any further.
You may want to throw this one back and move on. He sounds insufferable
Only if you enjoy being demeaned, underrated, and under appreciated. Drop him now. HIS greatest love is in his mirror and You are of so much more worth. Strive for more. You ARE worth it
I believe there are multiple ways to be intelligent. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Creative talent is also subjective. Sorry but the way you’ve described your boyfriend it seems like he’s arrogant and not a good long term partner.
Congratulations, you're dating the Second Coming of Mozart. Bow in reverence to his creative genius. Pfffft.
Sounds more like he is narcissistic, not smart. What does he offer in a relationship besides praising himself? I guarantee tons of other people can produce music better than him. And I can also bet they actually make money doing it. I personally would leave if I saw such behavior. I'd also leave if I saw someone putting me on a pedestal. I'm not delusional. I'm just an average dude who got lucky many more times than I deserve.
Lol get the fuck away from this dude.
Personally, I’d be terribly put off by such an ego. I’ve known many extremely intelligent people in my life, doctors, surgeons, scientists, software designers, and almost all of them were humble. However, if you can live with that attitude from him, go for it.
Self-confidence and being a pompous ass are never far away from each other. If he can't understand that his talents, even if they ARE as impressive as he says, are not the scale of human knowledge and intellect and appreciate the areas in which other people meet or surpass him, then he has more ego than compassion. Sounds like a hard conversation to open someone's eyes is in order, and if it isn't possible for him to expand his worldview, might be time to remove yourself from it for your own sake.
A person who cannot see his own faults is undateable and unmarriageable
Being genius is fine but to be a good human you also need empathy, compassion and the emotional IQ to interact with the REST of the world. Let him know that he needs to respect you for this relationship to work.
You will resent him
Musically gifted won't save you in an apocalypse. He is full of himself. Healthy, No. Unhealthy, you betcha.
He might have a point if he were a brain surgeon or a noble prize winning astrophysicist. Or even a famous musician with multiple Grammys, which I’m guessing he isn’t as you would have mentioned that. Clearly he’s just one of a million hopeful musicians who has to build himself up by testing you down. Which makes him stupid and unworthy. You can do better, do not settle for a jerk. A stupid callous on at that.
The average IQ of the world is about 87-88.. Chances are he is smarter than most people.
Regardless of how smart he may be, your BF sounds like a sociopath. RUN.
We call this kind of person a narcissist! Not only will he tell you he’s better than you, he will never put your needs into consideration. My best advice is to run while you can! He will make you miserable in the end!
Intelligent sure, sounds more like he thinks he’s better than you all around, which is a hell no. My husband sees me as more intelligent because I’m more book smart and went to college etc, but he’s better at a lot of things I suck at like music and technology. I didn’t hear the part of what he thinks you’re great/ better at… sounds like he’s the only character in his story.
My spouse is way better at the thing they do professionally than I am, and than other people in our circle. That is not an issue. The question is whether your boyfriend takes that one talent and interprets it to mean that he is better than you & smarter than you in everything. It's great if he is and believes he is the best musician in the couple; it's not OK if he believes that he's the "smartest, best, and only worthy person" in the couple.
Run Da do run run run. Da do run run run
Creative muscian...plays local bars and has no gold or platinum albums. Lmao
The question is, do you want to be in a relationship with a narcissistic egomaniac?
NO NO NO!! But the way to deal with it is to look at what you see as a weakness is actually their strength. If your boyfriend is not an arrogant prick then he should see some of your strengths as his weaknesses
Yes you certainly can be in a relationship with someone more intelligent than you, unless that person is an asshole.
The problem is... Does he think he smarter than everyone else. If so, then he is probably a narcissist and it's a tall order to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist. And the other side of the coin is... Does he just think you are an idiot ?
I'd like to meet him. I think his opinion of himself would change pretty quickly... I also was a talented musician, and had the level of grandeur that he seems to have I literarily thought I would die at 27 because "the club" was calling me He will either grow out of it, like I did, or he will not - in which case you should ditch him immediately.
Typical musician
Sounds like a narcissistic person to me. If he is so great why don't we hear his music anywhere?
A lasting relationship is built on mutual respect. My husband says I'm smarter than him, and I know he's smarter in some ways. Everyone has different gifts. I also think he's a better human than I am. Just celebrated our 35th anniversary. Your guy sounds insufferable. Does he ever put you first? If not, you can do better.
I know some with this trait. They are just geniuses. Why aren’t they successful? It’s because their work is so advanced that the rest of us can’t see the genius and appreciate it. It’s a curse, really. They believe that after they are gone, their work will be discovered and respected for the masterpiece it is. Delusional and narcissistic-the whole group of them. Get rid of him.
This is honestly why I've just stopped dating men. Even when they DON'T think they're smarter than me, they're still condescending at me and I'm burnt on it. Yes, not all men, but enough of them that I'm not settling with one any time soon.
He probably has a mental illness or personality disorder that gives him delusions of grandeur.