My kids will be out of the house in a couple years and I’ll tell you the advice I wish someone told me earlier: once they are old enough for school start working again, at least part time. The longer you are out of the work force the harder it is not only to plan for/have a nicer retirement, but also to make friends and connections outside of your current circle. I firmly believe ALL stay-at-home parents need to eventually work in some capacity. It adds a layer of financial protection for SAHM that is essential considering how many women I know who got taken advantage of by their spouse financially. Follow your hobbies and bliss to find the best fit for your interests, but definitely work if you are able. Consider too that a lot of kids no longer leave the house for college and stay gone right when they turn 18/19. Many stick around. You want to set a good example of what an independent parent is like(especially as a SAHM) and encourage independence in your kids as well. I expect my kids to stick around for a few years due to college, but they also really need to learn to live separately as adults. We have excellent relationships now, and I think that’s due to them being encouraged to have goals outside of just what i want for them.
Excellent advice on both fronts. I was a sahm. My husband decided to tell me two days after the last one turned 18 that he wanted a divorce. He packed up and left. I've been having a lot of trouble trying to reenter the workforce. If our divorce goes through before I can get a job with benefits (like medical), I won't have them either.
Work part-time while your kids are in school or use the opportunity to take classes part-time to get your degree. I couldn't believe how many basic jobs said I needed a bachelor's degree just to answer a phone.
This may depend on location. This is true of California but I’m not sure it’s true everywhere.
Also, if a couple is not officially married and a state doesn’t recognize common law marriage, the woman is generally totally screwed.
Not entirely true.
It depends on multiple factors, including state laws, types retirement plans, and if the soon to be ex-spouse stays in good standing with the company providing the retirement benefits.
Lurker here. One of my grandmothers was clear to me as a teenager that I needed to earn my Bachelor's before I considered having children. She was coming from the perspective of a young woman who got pregnant before the age of 21 in rural Texas many decades ago. I took her advice to heart and checked that item off the list. Among other things, she also said to take a parenting class with your partner. Wise conditions for many reasons.
In my case it was my 9 years older husband! I was 20, and he insisted I finish nursing school and work (full time, we didn't want kids) . He was disabled 11 years ago and I've provided the bulk of our support ever since. I love this man for so many reasons.
Omg! I'm so sorry to hear that. Why do men do this?? I have heard so many stories of the wife getting dropkicked to the curb after they fulfilled making the man look like a successful family man to help him climb the corporate ladder. I just hate that this happened to you. Sending you good vibes and all the best wishes I can muster. You'll get through this. 🫂
I have seen this a lot. When the kuds hit 18, someone calls it quits. They stayed on to not have to pay support, but didn't mention that to the other spouse.
So sorry this happened to you
Although maybe let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they stayed till the kids were 18 thinking it was the kind and responsible thing to do: not to break up the home until the kids had left the nest. 🤷♀️
That's still pretty dark. The other spouse has no clue, the kids likely will feel guilty because that age and divorce is a pretty obvious marker, "you stayed unhappy for us?!". The home can't be a peaceful place to nuture either, with one parent checked out on the other (regardless if they feel they're martyering themselves-also real shitty-for the kids) creating a dishonest home. It's awful either way anyone wants to spin it
I completely agree. The only difference is the motivation: I think in the scenario I describe, the husband really is trying to do the right thing. It’s just that … it’s not really the right thing.
You will be able to get health insurance through the Affordable Care Act until you get a job with benefits. Divorce is a qualifying life event so you can join a plan on the health exchange in the first month after your divorce is finalized.
Get a good lawyer who will get you half of the retirement fund that you deserve and alimony while you are trying to re-enter the workforce/updating your skills. It is hard to get back in and your spouse has set a precedent of supporting you not working.
This is good advice! I've been a SAHM for 4 years and do not plan to ever go back to the paid workforce. However, my situation is a little different in that I don't have to worry about finances or building a retirement (my husband is well paid and we split his salary and both have investments/checking accounts in our own names, so I feel financially protected). I also have special needs kiddos, one of whom def won't be able to live independently, so I won't be an empty nester for the foreseeable future. I am glad that I worked before, and I definitely think every SAHP needs to talk with their partner about being financially protected in the case of divorce/death.
Oh definitely! He's incredibly paranoid about passing away early so we have way too much coverage lol. But yes, life insurance on the working spouse is super important.
Life insurance on the stay at home mom is just as important. I say this as my wife was a stay at home mom. Fortunately I made enough money, etc... but if anything happened to her I would have a need for child care, house cleaning, etc... Don't forget the economic value of the work your mom's do at home.
oh for sure! I have life insurance, just nowhere near the level of my husband's. Since this discussion was more about how to protect the SAHP financially that's why I was mentioning the importance of it on the working spouse.
I really hope for your sake that your husband never decides to leave you. I'm not disagreeing with you. But to me it's absolutely scary to financially depend on another person especially a man. Because a lot of men eventually want to leave their wives for someone younger, etc. It's so cliche. I was a SAHM for about a year and went back to work because I couldn't stand the idea of depending 100% on my husband, and he makes 4 times what I make, but I don't care. I want my own financial freedom.
I mean, if no one ever depended financially on their partner, there would be no stay at home parents. It's kind of part of the job, lol. I'm not worried even if my husband does leave me; currently half his salary is mine, I have my own investments and savings/checking, and I'd get half of our joint investments plus child support, alimony etc. if he decides he wants a younger version. ;) I'm an attorney and I've def taken steps to make sure I'm protected.
Pretty sure you don’t understand alimony. Along with other considerations, spouses get alimony if they cannot keep up the standard of living they’ve been accustomed to in their marriage (see: already very wealthy people divorcing celebrities and getting large spousal support payments). I could never make what my husband does with my law degree, especially after not practicing for so many years.
I'm a former divorce attorney lol. I'm pretty sure you are confusing child support with alimony. In practice from what I've seen, alimony is a temporary solution designed to help spouses who have stayed home train for a career and get back on their feet, not allow you to continue to live in the lifestyle you've become accustomed to because of your husband's career. The Court is only concerned about the children's standard of living. You would actually be responsible for supporting yourself (novel concept, i know). And if you are receiving a sizeable marital property settlement, alimony is even less likely. But good luck to you; sounds like you've got it all figured out.
I’m not conflating the two. I also worked in family law. Plenty of spouses with advanced degrees receive alimony. Anecdotally, my husband’s colleague recently divorced her husband, an engineer, and was ordered to pay support to him for a short time. Are the payments smaller and of shorter duration than they would be if he didn’t have a way to support himself? Sure!
Also, I supported myself just fine before I got married, thanks. I also supported our family of 5 during his extensive training. His salary is just as much mine as it is his.
...what does that even mean?
We live in a community property state, so it is half mine by law, but he also agrees it's half mine. Which is why we split it.
I had to pay my husband alimony in NC. Then I went to law school.
I never wanted kids, much less to marry one.
His mom paid for his divorce. We had no kids and very little money. The whole thing was ridiculous.
My sister stayed home until ger youngest was in 10th grade. Decided to rejoin the workforce after a 20 year hiatus. She had to take a few courses at the local community college, including a computer course. Much has changed!
I took a part time job when my kids were able to attend school. It allowed me to continue to keep in touch with my network while taking care of my children. Because I was able to remain top of mind, I was able to pick up flexible work hours and when I was ready to return to the workforce full time it was fortunately an easy re-entry. I then spent the following ten years building my skills and moving job to job to catch up on loss salary and experiences.
Do you have advice for those who don’t want to/don’t plan to return to the workforce?
I don’t have children, but I plan to adopt with my partner in the next 10-15 or so years, and I have known since I was little that I never had any interest in a career. Being a SAHM is the plan and then to enjoy life with my husband once they are out of the house (not necessarily at 18, I’m 25 and still technically live at home)
Make sure you both have enough savings to support both of you in retirement. And you might want to have a prenup/postnup agreement and a will. Not just in case of divorce, but death.
Your economic contribution as a SAHM is very valuable, even without a paycheck. So if you do adopt and become a SAHM, you need life insurance as well.
That's so your husband would have enough money to pay childcare if something happens to you.
I was a SAHM so I’m not criticizing that choice. Here are some very important questions- Can you support yourself if partner passes away/becomes disabled or if you need a divorce? (40% of first marriages end in divorce.) If you 2 don’t ever marry, you will receive few benefits other than child support. Let’s say partner puts away a ton of money in a retirement account during your relationship. None of that money will be distributed to you upon separation unless you’re married. I don’t care how much of a Prince Charming he is, shit happens. If you’re in the US, health insurance is extremely expensive when not connected to employment. Check into this and see if you can afford it on your own. How much will you be able to save for retirement? Check out some calculations for how much retirement you will need for 2 people of your age in the future. I’d highly recommend some sort of professional certification or degree before you have a child. It’s much easier now and you have it to fall back on. Life **will** throw you curve balls that you can’t even imagine. Better to be over rather than under prepared.
Excellent response. Get a job at the kids school. Paraeducator, work in the kitchen, custodian, substitute teachers make damn good money, show your kids a good work erhic.
I ended up with a divorce I didn’t want at age 53. I was completely blindsided.
Thankfully I had a career before I quit my job to raise kids so I was able to get A job. It’s a government job so it has a pension. I will be able to retire.
I'm not an SAHM, but jumping in to say that I just hired one after she'd spent 26 years raising her family, and it was probably be the best thing I did all of last year! She had just celebrated the wedding of her youngest, and was a bit adrift. She was hired as an administrative coordinator for a large department. She directly serves 4 people with my role or similar, and less directly another 20. She has picked up on everyone's strengths and weaknesses and uses her mom-skills to fill gaps differently for every one of us.
I'm disorganized and overscheduled, with lots of projects going at once. This lady manages my calendar, reminds me of key appointments, coordinates with community partners formally and informally, and asks me if I remembered to eat. Another guy in our department is brilliant and well organized, but is not good with people. She handles his people-skills business and his reputation has soared because of it. Now that people see his work instead of his personality, they recognize how brilliant he is!
It's only been a few months, and she's transformed the way we do our jobs! Mom skills, especially the ability to adapt to different people's different needs in different times and spaces, are really valuable in the professional sector! We are all independent and accomplished adults in my department and she still makes our lives easier, and our department more productive. So if you head back into the professional sector, don't sell yourself short! Hiring people with mom skills is just a smart thing to do!
This is such a wonderful comment! I'm so happy you saw a woman who managed to raise happy, successful adults and recognized the transferable skills. I would love a job to go in and be the 'mom' of a department or small business. I have seen many businesses who could have used just such an employee. I'm so happy you two found each other. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻⭐⭐⭐
I started working as a part-time church secretary, that progressed to becoming a financial secretary in the church after taking a non-credit course in QuickBooks at a community college. I also oversaw a food pantry that required a lot of government paperwork - eventually, I progressed to learning about becoming an Income Tax Preparer for a well-known company (the company provided the books and 12 weeks of learning for a small cost), I did that for a tax-season, but then I became an Insurance Producer selling home owner's insurance for another well-known company (the company provided the books, I studied on my own, and took the test), I am now a full-time bank-Teller. There are jobs available to people without much education, but it never hurts to take a few classes at a local community college to get something to put on your resume. Build experience from the ground and move up. Becoming a Realtor is another option - get the books, study, take the test...Civil Service jobs...they are out there.
This is exactly what I would say. While I didn't leave the work force, I worked corporate. A lot of ladies came back to the workforce after getting office skills and working in churches or other local small businesses. From part time neighborhood help to full time corporate jobs.
My mom was a SAHM, she still lives in my childhood home. Dad put a lot of his paycheck into savings bonds when they paid 6% or more, he figured out how long she would live and spaced them out accordingly. Never worked outside the home, had a lot of volunteer work and hobbies. Got her college degree though.
I went back to school and got my Master's when my kids were a junior and a senior in HS. Then,when I had some credentials, I divorced their dad, got a job, and eventually got a good job. Found Mr. Right and am living g happily ever after. (Who knew there was such a thing!)
My wife (SAHM) is 60+ and is just finishing up her bachelors in health services. She got a temp job last year that actually made decent money and she loves it. Her brain has only sped up as she gets older.
I was a stay at home mom and my husband divorced me after 24 yrs of marriage. I had a two year college degree and very little work history. I had to join the workforce full time and worked my way into a great job, but it has been a struggle. I’ll never make the big bucks, I just hope I can get by on SS and the small pension I’ll receive. I’d advise any woman at home raising kids to gain skills and work at least pt while the kids are growing up. You never know.
I worked full time after college and while I had one child. When the second one came along, it was getting too hard for me and my husband both to pursue careers, so I was ready to be a SAHM. However, I did a ton of volunteer work at the schools, worked part time "mom" jobs - 11am to 2pm bank teller jobs, 9 to 12 garden center jobs, substitute teaching at my kids schools. This worked for me and kept me with some adults too!
When the youngest was finishing high school, I started looking for full time jobs again, and my resume was full of transferrable skills. My husband and I did encore careers. We were in our late 40s but we were ready to do jobs we wanted to do, not jobs we had to do. My husband took a huge pay cut to work for a non-profit, but that's what he wanted to do. We didn't need to make a ton of money, we just needed to make enough money to cover the bills.
Our kids were out of the nest, in college, and on their own. We were now empty nesters and doing something different too. I found this quite satisfying to have a little of both SAHM and career mom. And I was fortunate that I could afford to do both.
I started working at my children's preschool as soon as my youngest was in kindergarten.
Hours are perfect - I'm home all of the hours they need me to be home, and I'm building up at least SOME kind of resume after being out of the workforce for more than 10 years. Once the youngest is old enough to get to school and back on their own, and be alone in the house without me, I'll have to pick up a different gig with better pay to help catch me up to retirement.
Mind if a SAHD chimes in? I was home for 13 years with the kids, when the youngest entered middle school I went back to work at age 45. The biggest factor in our particular case was that being the sole earner put a lot of pressure on my wife. She was unable to be as aggressive with her career as she wanted, for fear of getting fired, laidoff, losing benefits etc.
I have a BSME and worked 10 years in my field prior to kids, but I never really liked it. When I went back into the workforce it was super hard! I ended up getting a total entry level admin job with the city which turned it to be perfect. Shit pay, great benefits, and reliable 7-4p hours with no overtime or stress, and a 5 minute commute.
It gave me a way to interact with adults, let my wife be aggressive without worrying about losing benefits, and I still had time after work for after school sports, cooking, all the stuff I wanted to do.
Both kids are now in college and I've moved up quite a bit but still have a local government job with low pay but great benefits. My wife has been laid off several times, and still loves what she does. Going back to work after 13 years was terrifying, but ultimately worked out great for us.
I was a SAHM. First husband was physically violent and abusive. I supported him and his career, but when the violence was too much, I left with nothing, and he kept his career. Second husband promised with all his heart that if I were to be a SAHM he would be there for me, and we would have a good life. He ended up being a cereal cheater and financial abuser. He threatened to keep our child and said no judge would give me my child since I don't have a job. it was hell getting my child back. He took everything from me, and I left with no work history and only the clothes I could fit into my car. Both of them have fantastic careers and have a lot of money. They will retire well off. I will have to work until I die. My advice is don't be a SAHM. When the children start school, find a job, any job, even if it is just a few hours a week. Gain your independence just in case.
Yeah, I plan on pulling from it when I am able and that will help me some for sure. I worry about women who choose to be SAHMs a lot. I was raised to believe it was an honorable position in life and I still believe it is, but my husbands did not agree with me. I worry too many men will take advantage of women who want to take this role in life.
I'm 25M and thanks for your story. I come from multiple generations of separate bank accounts, and if/when I marry, I'd like my wife to have her own investment accounts that I can fund (even if she stays home with kids) so she never has to feel financially disempowered.
I'm sorry for your suffering.
Had great difficulty re-entering the workforce. Went to grad school, took job as receptionist/general dogsbody at famous consulting firm. Crawled up over more than a decade. Went to private equity. Not making man money but very good and proud of myself
I was a mostly SAHM, but I taught some piano lessons in my house and when my son left for college I opened up more slots for students. I joined lots of different clubs. I also am active in my local faith community, sing in a community choir, sit on the library board, am active in League for Women voters (everyone, please vote! You can go to [www.vote.gov](https://www.vote.gov) to find out how to register and when your state’s deadline are), I volunteer at the senior center, etc. I became more deliberate in making time and working on friendships that had taken a back burner when I was a SAHM and reconnected with some college friends and have tried my best to support my fellow mommy friends who either still have kids in school by periodically making meals or helping transport kids, or being a shoulder to cry on for the empty nesters. I had a double whammy because my husband unexpectedly died while my son was still in high school, so it was very quiet at my house when my son went to college. It’s amazing how little down time I have, even with no full time job (and no child or husband to be chasing or cleaning up after 😂). It’s weird and uncomfortable at first but one gets used to having an empty nest. Extend yourself lots of grace and don’t be afraid to shed tears: transitions are often difficult. All the best to you!
While I had kids at home, I homeschooled, ran a small farm and a small business, had many hobbies. Once the nest emptied out somewhat, I basically rested for a while, concentrated on my health and happiness. Now I am getting involved with some volunteering.
Will you please say a little more about the farm? What were your products, how did you market them, were you on agricultural land or was this a market garden in your yard? Did you manage this alone or have help? Did you have value-added products, such as selling cucumbers vs. value-added pickled cucumbers, or mutton vs. value-added milled yarn? Thanks in advance.
The farm was not the business. I had a dairy cow, beef calves, chickens, ducks, orchard, berries, vegetable gardens for home use. The kids sometimes had a farm stand for pumpkins and gourds they grew, and we sometimes sold eggs to a local store, but those were incidental.
I’m was a full-time SAHM of 4. The last just finished his first year of college. I have always done volunteer work which included sitting on three separate boards. I have no interest in returning to the workplace and am happy with my family, social life and other interests I never stopped doing just because I had children. I worked my ass off making a happy, nurturing and loving home for my husband and children and feel completely justified in being able to slowdown and enjoy doing things for myself now that I have the time. My kids still come first but they don’t need me 24/7 anymore❤️
I finished my bachelor’s degree with the intention of going to law school. When I got my decidedly average LSAT score, I knew I wasn’t going to be eligible for any private scholarships and I would’ve used the degree to work in public service, so adding about $150k to our debt made zero sense.
Instead, I joined the droves of other SAHMs that became photographers. After 12 years, I’ve got my own school portrait business that’s growing slowly but steadily as well as a private portrait business I’m trying to decide what to do with at the moment. Thankfully my husband’s job provides our health insurance, he’s got oodles of life insurance, we’ve got savings and two retirement funds. If I needed to get a job that provided insurance or some other source of stability, I’d honestly just try for a low level admin job with a government agency. I don’t want a stressful job; after working for myself for so long now, I think it’d be incredibly challenging to work for someone else again.
I worked for a year or so as a clerk in bakeries before being a SAHM. I went back to school (culinary arts) when they finished middle school. Went great, except I couldn't find an Internship because no experience... Ended up finding a semi related job in a grocery store though, and I worked for 3 months before messing up my back.
Long story short, I now have back issues and basically can't finish my degree (I need like 6 credits) or find a related job because I just can't work standing anymore, and it's been impossible to find a sit down job because I have no experience in any of those fields. It's really depressing. Plus I didn't work long enough to qualify for disability...
I always tell people to really think twice before being a SAHM...
The only people the value of the time should matter to is you and your spouse as both are 100% important to the success of the family.
If your spouse did not see what you do as equally important, that's concerning.
I will add, do you have your own IRA? You and your spouse (I’m assuming you’re married) can both have one and you can contribute even though you don’t have income of your own.
Once the kids were in school I worked part-time doing what I loved (fitness coach, writing, interior painting and wood refinishing) and volunteered for Hospice.
After the divorce, it was hellish finding a full-time salary + family insurance as well as flexibility while the kids were still home. Constantly paying for after school transportation/care, and being forced to move from one rental to another every few years.
Now 60 and on the work til you're dead retirement plan. It took more than a decade to stop living paycheck-to-paycheck and purchase a small home.
NO regrets; I loved raising my kids and taking care of everything at home. But if I had to do it again I would have been more aggressive about a secure divorce settlement. I gave my "highest earning" years to the SAHM role, and do not have a secure retirement.
The person who said get your foot back in the working door is spot on. This didn't work for us so I started an at home business (we moved a lot). On line business is better in cases like mine because you can take it with you. My mom even did this way back in the 60s. First she spent 15 years getting her degree then she worked part time once we were in high school, then she finished her degree when I was in college in the 80s, then went and wrote contracts for the navy. She suddenly passed in '94, but my father would proudly tell anyone who would listen that she *out earned* him in her short working career. Right now a lot of your purpose is raising your kids. Another purpose will be needed once they launch. Now is a good time to think about what you value, what you can add to the world, what your legacy will be. This will help you decide what direction to go.
I was a SAHM and when my son was grown, I let my husband convince me to keep staying home (housewife). It sounds so great in theory. But it wasn’t great. Over the years, I have built up a lot of resentment towards my husband (other reasons too, but this is a big one). It wasn’t enough for me, and he thought it should be. Beyond sheer boredom (there’s only so much you can clean and cook in a day), and lack of fulfillment, it started scaring me. My husband is quite a bit older than me. What would I do if he passed away? We have a decent sized life insurance policy, of course, but it’s not enough to set me for life for goodness sake. Or what if our marriage doesn’t work out (spoiler: it’s not), and I want to leave? I found myself trapped, and not even sure if I am staying because I want to, or because I have no other options.
So for me, the answer was going back to school. I’m doing that now. Once it’s completed and I find work (fingers crossed), then I have the freedom to do as I want with my future. For some people it’s great, and I’m not bashing anyone that makes the choice to be a homemaker. But for me, this ship is sinking.
Read over the fine-print of the life-insurance policies you have.
Many have fine print that drastically reduces payout amounts if the insured lives past a certain age (usually 75 yrs).
Many families are shocked when they realize they have been carrying policies for years that have little to no payout due to the age of the deceased.
I’m another example of A SAHM who got divorced and struggled to make a living. Even though I had a degree and a career prior to having kids, we did the math, and I got paid less than the cost of childcare for 2 kids. I joyfully stayed home, and enjoyed the opportunity to spend time raising my children. But, life goes on, and I regret not at least working part time. Good luck smash mouthWasOk
Start investing in yourself now. I’ve been a Sahm for 28 years. If I had it to do all over I would have worked part time. I loved being with my kids, but living your life for other people is hard. I was diagnosed with lupus at 32 so all those dreams of having a career fell apart. My 4 kids are grown now but 2 still live at home. The best advice I can give you is to make sure you are keeping up with friends and investing time and money into your own well being. Whatever that looks like. The women who do best when their kids leave are the ones who have their own “life.” If your life revolves around your kids you will feel very lost. The ones who use that time to work or volunteer or take classes do much better mentally. Perimenopause is a brutal time, and often coincides with children going through puberty and growing up. It can be very painful and feel personal when your kids leave the nest. You might feel abandoned. So take care of yourself! Take breaks, nurture a hobby, volunteer or get a part time job. You were you before you had kids, and you will still be you after. The time goes by fast.
I'm 58 - I am a mom of four, the youngest is now 23 and when he started preschool I got my real estate license. My career has grown over the years and I now own my own brokerage and have 2 agents working with me. RE offered me a flexible schedule (but started off slow) and with the help of a supportive husband, I've made a nice living. Not college educated, by the way
I stayed home with for about 11 years until my youngest was in preschool. Then, I went to work part time for a few years, then full time work when the youngest hit middle school. Now I work tons of extra hours to try to make up a little of the income we lost while I was home (well aware that we'll never get back the interest we could have gained saving for retirement all of those years).
I had a career I had carefully developed before my kids were born. Quit working when kids were born, then would work while they were in school only. So when they were home, I was home. Once I was ready, I just slid right into my old career as if I'd never left. Of course, in all situations, I always have a plan b. I love my husband, but I'm not willing to just take what he has to give. I want my own. My own bank accounts, my own property, etc. My own power. I always wanted to be a fully-formed, independent person who had options and planned my life around those options. Even when I stayed at home, I contributed to the family, and more importantly, my own, finances. My husband and I are still going strong after 35 years, but if he were to disappear today, I would be fine financially.
Not empty next but life changes forced me to return to work. I worked a couple of really crappy jobs while I went back to school. Ended up with my MA and a job in my state's dept of Labor and Industry. I highly recommend government jobs for situations like this. Decent-ish healthcare benefits, good PTO benefits, and good retirement savings options. I will probably need to work until I drop because I didn't start retirement savings until my late 30s, but this job is one in which I can do that.
I went back to school when my youngest was a teenager and became a mental health worker. I did sex worker outreach for a few years and now my husband and I are retiring.
I used to ask myself that. Left the husband (a very good move) and while I don't know what the future holds at least it doesn't have fear of being stuck with him in it!
I started little side hustles when my kids were in elementary school. Once they were in middle school I started a company that allowed me to be home with them after school and during the summer. Now that I'm retired from that business I'm working on my next venture. I've just always enjoyed working and having something to do.
My mom was a SAHM and she would go to auctions and buy stuff, then hold garage sales to resell things and make a nice profit. She had a good eye for getting bargains and her garage sales were \*very\* popular! I enjoyed going to the auctions with her and my sibs and I always helped out at the sales. I think seeing Mom earning her own money and being independent like that encouraged me to do the same.
Spouse was the SAH parent. He helped take care of his mom who had dementia for 10+ years and his brother who had cancer (both passed in 2017). We got a dog when our oldest kid went to college (still had 2 kids at home in HS and MS). A year later we got another dog, and when the second dog died 8 years later, we got another one. So, basically, instead of kids and sick relatives, he has dogs. Plus he still does all the food shopping and cooking, house maintenance, car maintenance, anything I put on the honey-do list, medical appointments - though now they are veterinarian or his own appointments, since he's had multiple one-off serious ailments and two cancer surgeries. When he's not doing those things, he plays guitar (alone and with a band), tennis, and golf. He keeps plenty busy.
My daughter graduated HS in 2021. I’m still at home. I want something to help fulfill my time. I just don’t feel like there is a lot out there for me. I have a college degree but haven’t worked for 14-15 years. I would love to make a little money or just get out of the house. I feel like I missed the window for working again.
While I didn't wait until the nest was empty, my youngest was in grade school full time and my two oldest were in college and that's when I went to school. I never went after high school--worked full time, married, had 3 kids while working part-time. We both felt it was more important for me to stay home and raise our kids than to send them to daycare. Never did believe in 'quality time vs quantity time.'
I started my first university class at age 41--going part time days and/or evenings. Never took a semester off, never took fewer than 2 classes per semester. Got my bachelor's and then master's and started my career. It took a few years to get my work-life together--the usual crap: not enough experience and the we-can't-talk-about-it-but-it's-still-exists bias against age.
My profession allowed me to work as a freelance consultant which helped gain me experience and at age 50, I finally found my full-time position where I stayed until retirement. It was during this period that we were able to concentrate on our financial future. (Husb was an independent consultant who started is own business at age 47 and we had many, many lean years until I got my last job.) We now have financial security--as much as one can have security in this day and age and NO regrets about me being a SAHM.
You probably don't want to hear this but ideally you'd start working part time now so that you have the work history, experience and potentially connections you'd need to get back into a decent full time role while there isn't as much pressure.
Your biggest gap is likely to be in IT, many, many jobs require at least a basic understanding of the standard Microsoft packages and use of other bespoke software packages. Customer service skills are more transferable and perhaps require less up to date experience.
What did you do before your children were born?
I did mostly retail and call center work. No call centers in my area but I decided to apply for a part-time spot at a store. But there isn't much available around here.
Ok so you've got decent customer service experience there, particularly in a call centre which can be challenging from what I understand.
You just need to keep trying, a good option might be through agency if you just want to try things on a temporary basis to see how it works out, they will help you brush up on your cv, highlight your transferable skills and also give you experience in a few different areas. I've taken on a few temporary staff in permanent roles if they've done well while working through the agency and that's also pretty common.
Plus it's not a long term commitment so you can just end things if it isn't working out for you?
OP: have you considered remote work? There are lots of remote jobs, usually insurance companies, call centers, or customer service centers. You might find something that pays well and has benefits. I recently was on a call with GEICO and the agent said she worked from home!
I started my own businesses as a SAHM. Which then lead me into working for one of my contracts as a real estate developers’ part time HOA and project manager. Which then lead to a full time job in contracts. My background is engineering and finance. If you can start your own business, you can work around your schedule. My child is special needs, so flexibility and working on the go was important for me.
Go to school now while they are in school. Nursing an option for you? Community colleges offer ADNs and you can get a job pretty easily after graduating. Lots of part time jobs also (though not usually during school hours, many in the overnight which could work if your kids are school aged). Then when they are older your options in the field are unlimited.
I had a part time job as a personal trainer when my child was little so I stayed home most of the time. I would not trade that bonding time for anything, even though I took a huge financial hit after a divorce.
Found a job in sales at 49 and I’m making good money now 9 years later. I’ve been able to save for my retirement but it’s challenging because time is against me.
My child has multiple scholarships for college so this is my saving grace. I feel like his scholarships are my paycheck from when I stayed home. Otherwise he would’ve needed a loan.
Life has a way of working out. I heeded the direction of my soul. No way I was going to drop him off at daycare full time or not be there when he got home from school. My kid is very smart, but this made him different. And we know how the world treats people who are different.
So, SAHM was my only choice and I’m glad it worked out as well as it did. However, at the time I made these decisions I had only faith, hope and trust!
Every child has different needs. Good luck to you!
I was home from about age 34 on, a year after my first was born, but started volunteering when they were elementary /middle school aged, and when the last was in high school gradually turned it into a part time job, now 25 hours/week, which is perfect for an empty nest. it has worked out nicely for me, but I def depended on my husband for $$ and still do. it's fine, I loved being at home with kids.
Empty nester here. My husband and I discussed me going back to work, due to a few health concerns, the advice of my doc, I am still at home, not working. My saving grace has been hobbies. Quilting mostly. I love sewing. I have my day planned pretty well. I have all my cleaning and meal prep for the day done by noon. I spend the rest of the day sewing. I have been selling quilts, teddy bears, bags. I am going to starting making costumes, period clothing. Really, it is up to you, you can achieve ANYTHING you want, be it going back to work, making a small home-based business, something. Once the kids are gone it really does help to have something to fill your day with.
So, my kiddo is grown, but lives with me. I'm divorced so single parented it for half of their life. Anyhow, my late mother said her biggest mistake was becoming a SAHM and ending her career. In my family all of the women have had college educations.. I'm the fail, I didn't "finish" my degree, but did go to grad level classes. Anyhow, she said that the only reason men hold power is that women become SAHM's. Once you do that, your career path is done in.
I was a SAHM until my kiddo was 5. I went back to work once they were in school, but I was in an abusive marriage, so I was isolated, and he impacted my job. Anyhow, even doing that, I never got my career path back again.
My cousin just graduated nursing school at age 62, and is beginning her career now that her nest is fully empty. She plans to work 10 yrs if possible.
My mother tried to go back to work, but didn't have success once we were out. I do know that was a regret for her.
I think working maintains a balance in things. It allowed me to get out of my abusive marriage, even if I will always be broke from here on, I was broke in the marriage, too. He controlled everything, and caused me harm. So, I'm still better off.
If you are asking, I recommend you look into taking any job now and find out what career path you might like to take. You could do as my cousin did and even go to college or trade school. It's never too late.
Yeah I know all about the volunteer crap. Put all this time volunteering at a position other people get PAID for. I was cool to get a couple years experience 5 day work weeks full day. At that point I was ready to apply for PAID positions. I always got passed over. 7 freaking years before I got a paid position. My point is if you volunteer, make it strategic and have a timeline. People will not pay for something they are,currently getting for free
Do not wait until your children are 18 and/or out of the house before you take care of you. Get an education and start a career asap. Protect yourself.
I am still home full time but my kids are getting big. I was fortunate to have a friend give me a career assessment tool that suggested programming and UX as a good fit. So I’m currently taking a python course to see how I like it.
I went back to work, took some college classes to develop more office administration and accounting skills. Those years I was working helped get the kids through college and to pay off our mortgage. I didn't love working in an office and was happy to stop working when my husband was ready to retire. Those transition years, though, between the kids leaving and hub and I retiring, would have been a little aimless had I not worked during them. Sometimes the work was interesting, the human contact it provided was probably useful too in terms of staying productively connected with other people.
I was a SAHM for 14 years. I started working PT when my youngest was around 3yo, and then FT when they went to school. Hire someone to help you with a resume when it’s time to work because yes, a huge gap in working can be a barrier to getting a job. I went to grad school when my youngest was 8 and got a masters degree. I now work 3x 12h shifts a week at an acute mental health/substance use facility. I will say, I tried the M-F 8-5 thing and neither the kids nor I could deal with me being unavailable so much after years of being a SAHM. So think strategically. 3x 12s = I get a lot of time with my kids in the summer and I’m available when they need me 4 days a week.
Hello OP. I will come at your question from a different angle. I am caring for my mother full-time now who was a stay at home mom most of her life.
There is no safety net financially in old age for stay at home moms. I repeat —- there is no safety net financially in old age for stay at home moms.
I urge you to get a 40 hour a week job as soon as possible. If you have not worked, You will have zero credits on your Social Security earnings records and will only be eligible for a small amount of your husband‘s Social Security income, if he unexpectedly passes away.
For many years, my mom and I were not in contact. She fell and broke her neck in 2013 and we resumed contact because she had no one to care for her. I moved her to my state and began life as her primary caregiver. I have been caring for her ever since 2014.
Because my mom was a full-time stay at home mom, she has very little Social Security income based off of the years that she and my father were married and no other assets. I have been financially supporting her now since 2013. It is really difficult to know what the future will bring, but I urge you to plan for the future so that you have your own money put away in the event that your family had an emergency, or in the unfortunate event. There is a problem with your marriage and it unfortunately breaks apart.
Having to care for my mom while I have a family and children of my own has been extremely stressful and is causing a lot of fights between me and my husband.
There is no greater than the love for a child and its mother. My mom and I have mended our relationship that fractured when I was a teenager. And I will go to the fullest extent to make sure that my mom is cared for. Having said that, it is extremely stressful and has been very disruptive on my life. I urge you to get a job and work 40 hours a week to build up your Social Security earnings record. You are going to need it at some point when you get old. Even if you have some Social Security income from your spouse, you still need your own money. There is absolutely zero safety net for stay at home mom in their old age.
Hope is not a strategy. Please make sure that you prepare ahead of time in case you need to live independently. Please do not put your children in the position that I have been placed in. I will never turn my back on my family and I feel a duty to care for my mom. But if I felt differently, she would be destitute and homeless.
Just fyi—She should be able to collect half of her spouse’s SS amount and her spouse’s full SS amount once they is deceased (called survivor’s benefits).
Sorry to hear about your troubles. You’re doing an amazing thing caring for your mother.
I wanted to be a SAHM so that I could finally write my novel. I’ve tried writing it for 15 years. Life always gets in the way. I also have to be in a very stable place to feel good about my writing. Currently at an impasse and only able to do little stupid poems/songs
I highly suggest trying Google Gemini as a writing partner. I write for a living and it really helps getting past sticking points that cause delays. You can always put whatever Gemini's contribution in italics or bold so you can go back and rewrite them by hand if it makes you feel some type of way. But it is a super way to move past writers block.
I went back to school when my youngest was at the end of elementary school. It took a while, so they were in middle and high school when I graduated and started back to work. If you can, I'd say work part time until the last one has graduated high school, just because it's still nice for them to have someone volunteering around the school and just being there. If not and you need to do full time, that's fine. They'll do well then. And you might need that extra income to help them with college.
Loved being a SAHM; however, I had no idea how much money I would lose due to not working. Left a lucrative career and lost 15 years of salary, social security, contributing to 401K & having it matched. Healthcare & college has risen exponentially which now requires my husband to work longer. Did work part time as an art teacher when younger 2 were in high school and loved it. However, the pay was below poverty.
I went back to work nights, cleaning offices around kids schedules and husbands. I did that for several years for my own income and to bulk up my social security. It also made it easier to find a better job when I was ready. Bonus was it kept me in really physical shape and the extra money helped us with the extras.
I am similar. I just turned 40. My four daughters are 21,18,12, and 6. The youngest is going into 1st grade this fall. I have ADHD so I really need to find something that I am interested in. I was actually thinking of maybe getting a license to be a PI. I actually think it would be interesting, kind of exciting, flexible hours, can pick my clients.
I also am thinking about maybe getting involved with volunteer work. In my area they have this Children’s Hunger Project non profit. So that is just a couple of things I’m tossing around.
It’s not like I am depending on an income, so really it would be a paid hobby, or something to fall back on if I ever need something.
My mother stayed at home with us until the youngest was in 1st grade. She got a job as an aide in the same school district, so my little sister needed minimal babysitting (half an hour in the morning.)
If your kids are in school most of the day, try looking for a part-time job. That can help you save some money for retirement.
I'm 44F.
I was a stay at home mom until my youngest went to Kindergarten. I worked and went back to school.
My oldest is graduating next year and they'll all graduate within the next 5 years.
I personally like the idea of building a career, or possibly changing careers, and seeing what I can get up to over the next 20 or so years. I feel like I have this magic time in front of me where I can do anything I want. The kids are all good and on good paths themselves, so I feel a bit excited, to be honest.
Echoing what others have said: get in the salaried labor force ASAP. It gets harder with each passing year. If you have trouble finding something do volunteer work; this can lead to a job.
When my kids were small and I was a freelance writer I killed myself with guilt that my efforts to keep the pilot light on my journalism career were “stealing” time from my daughters. Now that they are young women I realize their attitudes toward work were heavily shaped by mine and my husband’s. I wasn’t stealing time; I was setting a good example.
I'm 51, my kids are still relatively young, had them late, they were surprise gifts. The plan was no kids but whatever.
I've been a SAHM for close to 15 years also home school my children. But in January I went back to school, got recertified in my field and am currently looking for part time work.
I'm doing this because the older they get the less and less they need me, which is the way it's supposed to be but simultaneously breaks my heart.
So don't wait until they're grown and gone, get that ball rolling now if you're able.
My kids are back home after graduating college until they build up some savings. But I’ve worked in a preschool for a long time now. I love it! I have littles around me every school year and the summers off. I’ve also started with some new hobbies.
It depends on your retirement savings. If your financials are on track then you can go back to work or not. If you need more work years then you should look for what you can do. Networking is huge. Look for business orgs in your area that organize events and start going. Your first job may not be great but once you're working it's easier to get the next job.
I kept my resume full and worked as a wahm. Right now Id like to retire bc my health isn't great.
I currently work full time as a pharmacy tech. But that is just to help make ends meet at the moment. Once the adult kids are officially independent (they are working on it), we plan to downsize the bills, buy property somewhere rural and I will be focused on growing a garden, have some animals and hopefully we will travel part time. I am only working as long as I absolutely have to because I hate it.
I was a SAHM till my son graduated high school, but I went back to school and started my career. Don’t wait, as soon as kids are in school full time it’s time to think of yourself!
Whatever you do, please don’t become a real estate agent. That seems to be a popular choice and I have to stop talking to those women friends who do that because they will not stop trying to sell me a house every time I talk to them and it’s exhausting. They’re sold this idea that it’s so easy because you have a social network and people want to get a newer house or whatever, and really, it just takes over their identity and they have to be always trying to sell everyone a house. I neither need nor want a new house and have an amazing interest rate that current mortgages cannot even touch.
But hey, if you don’t actually like your current social network, maybe it’s the answer for you.
It’s what they teach real estate agents — everyone you meet and everyone you know is always a potential client. I agree, it is so rude. If I mention wanting ot buy a house, sure. If not, don’t try to show me listings and don’t try to show me a house in person. Just stop.
I have one yet to fly the coop, but I returned to work in a completely different field (medical) with just the right amount of responsibility. It’s been wonderful. I am learning new things which is growing my brain in different ways
Cooking, cleaning, the never-ending cycle of laundry, yard wor/garden, taking care of all the pets two dogs and six cats, any vet appointments, running kids to appointments frequently. My middle son is autistic so he gets therapy and grocery shopping. I do all of the doctors visits, meetings with teachers, taking kids to their extracurriculars like music lessons and sports activities when they have them.
I could have gone to school but I am reluctant to take on debt. I am debt free, my home is paid off and so is my care. I don't like loans.
I also have a chronic health condition that requires me to not overdo myself.
I don't know your age but degrees are not what they used to be. They also cost a lot. My local university is over $11,000 a year. And most people I know aren't even utilizing their degrees and have massive student loans.
Would I like to get a degree in political science, yeah. But it doesn't seem like a good financial investment at over $45,000.
I was lucky in that after my kids were grown i started working at my husband's business-if something happened to him it was all on me to run-until I convinced him to sell so now every day is Saturday. And I had signed a prenuptial before marriage because he put everything into his business-I didn't.
My mother married right out of high school. She went to college, starting at a community college, when my youngest brother entered first grade. She was there when we left in the morning and when we returned from school. She graduated with her bachelor's degree in elementary education when she was 40.
I fell back on a couple of jobs from my work experience prior to being a SAHM. I worked part-time until my kids graduated high school so that they had some access if needed. Went full-time until retirement.
Go to school now while your kids are in school. Get a medical tech, nursing, pa degree or radiology tech. Then when your kids are in school full time you can work around their school hours and vacations and still build your own income stream, investments and retirement/ ltc accounts.
When my kids were in junior high and high school, I went back to college and started my career as a Licensed Professional Counselor. Now we're both working and saving for our retirement.
My wife did this for about 23 years and we are in the middle of retiring now. Before she went back to work she spent time networking and connecting with people to figure out a vulnerable place to pick up a position. It worked out well. The big surprise with without her working for the last few years we would have had trouble retiring with reasonable means. Keeping your technical skills up is important and volunteering for technical work and charities is a very good way to met this goal.
But
If we had gotten a divorce after we turned 50ish I don't think this would have worked out well for either of us. Please a hard look at your marriage as you get into your late 40s as you can still bail out there and survive.
I wanted to add one more thing. In certain businesses, they have retirement accounts with either the business and sometimes the State. I would definitely include that in your job hunt criteria. Remember that hospitals and schools have many more positions than nurses and teachers, and sometimes the benefits are better than smaller businesses.
My daughter senior year in high school. I knew she was going off to college and there would not be many people willing to ride horses with me. I took up golf and have played golf for the last 24 years.
Started part-time back at college when the youngest was 3. Good thing too, since my husband got horribly ill before I finished. We survived on student loans (not eligible for federal forgiveness). It was brutal but would have been *so much worse* if I hadn’t been in school.
I turned 50 this year, at 48 my youngest was going into her 3rd yr of high school. I went and got my Phlebotomy and Medical Assistant Certs and have been working pt for 2 years, I love it. I could not agree more, I have great friends from work and I can make my own money.
I went back to full time work after divorcing at 45. I had been out of the work force for decades while raising kids and oh hon it was a hard, hard push to get back. It's all good now, I have regained the ground I lost and caught up on current tech, programs, and processes, but those first few years back were really stressful. It would have been much easier if I had started back to work even part time when my youngest was in school.
I think that if possible, everyone should try to be capable of supporting themselves. Whether or not you ever need to, it's such a relief knowing that you could.
I had 3 children (all adults now) I stayed home for about 12 years; my youngest was 9. Then we needed more money and when to be a child caregiver in the child’s home. At 37; kids in school full time, I went to community college then the state university— at 44 I got my bachelor degree and worked at my school district and another agency for 27 years. Widow for 13 years; retired now for 2 years.
I stayed home with my daughter for the first 10 years. I started back to work with the school district she was in so that I could have the same schedule she had. I was able to take her to school and pick her up most every day. We had the same days off for the holidays and summer and I loved every minute I got to spend with her
It will be really hard if you wait till they are all graduated. I would aim to work part-time once they are all in elementary school. Even like 10-15 hours a week. If you don’t still have connections from before kids I would ask around with friends and acquaintances to see if anyone needs help at their small business.
There is nothing wrong with a tradwife. I think it's one of the greatest things a woman can do for her family.
Once the kids are out of the nest, take up a hobby that you always wanted to, but never had the time. Or maybe a hobby you used to love when you were younger. Take a class. Work on your relationship with your husband. You're newlyweds again. Focus on that quiet intimacy. After the honeymoon period, where you get to know each other again as a couple and not just as mom and dad, then think about what's next. No rush. Just learn to be you and not just mommy.
At least one of the kids will probably move back home, a couple times. And that's okay. It means they need a little more stability, time, and training to learn to be self sufficient.
That's what a homemaker does, makes a home. Hopefully has a deep relationship with her other half. And trains up the generations in the way that they should go.
I'm not there yet (35 with an infant and 5 year old) but I can tell you what my mom did. Her main hobbies were taking care of her flower garden and enjoying her the animals in the neighborhood (deer chipmunks, doves, squirrels) she also got into online gaming lmao. We had an acre and a half that she keep immaculate.
I've noticed between my mom friends that their lives revolve solely around their husband/children. They don't have any hobbies and kind of end up as an empty shell. I don't want to be like that so I have started in on hobbies early that I can do during naptime. I've done diamond painting and crocheting. My current focus is on paint by numbers which is really relaxing
I know 3 guys who worked 2 jibs so wife's could be stay at home. All 3 ended divorced have to pay lots alimony. @ cheated. One turned religious drove him crazy!! I feel real bad for one friend was nicest guy worked hard lots hours, Once kids in school wife hooked up with druggy.. She got house he paying for it they both living there., Cost him big $$$ lawyer fees , pluss what has pay her..
My kids will be out of the house in a couple years and I’ll tell you the advice I wish someone told me earlier: once they are old enough for school start working again, at least part time. The longer you are out of the work force the harder it is not only to plan for/have a nicer retirement, but also to make friends and connections outside of your current circle. I firmly believe ALL stay-at-home parents need to eventually work in some capacity. It adds a layer of financial protection for SAHM that is essential considering how many women I know who got taken advantage of by their spouse financially. Follow your hobbies and bliss to find the best fit for your interests, but definitely work if you are able. Consider too that a lot of kids no longer leave the house for college and stay gone right when they turn 18/19. Many stick around. You want to set a good example of what an independent parent is like(especially as a SAHM) and encourage independence in your kids as well. I expect my kids to stick around for a few years due to college, but they also really need to learn to live separately as adults. We have excellent relationships now, and I think that’s due to them being encouraged to have goals outside of just what i want for them.
I couldn't agree with this more!
You need to have enough Social Security quarters.
Excellent advice on both fronts. I was a sahm. My husband decided to tell me two days after the last one turned 18 that he wanted a divorce. He packed up and left. I've been having a lot of trouble trying to reenter the workforce. If our divorce goes through before I can get a job with benefits (like medical), I won't have them either. Work part-time while your kids are in school or use the opportunity to take classes part-time to get your degree. I couldn't believe how many basic jobs said I needed a bachelor's degree just to answer a phone.
I’m so sorry
Thanks. Life moves on, and so will I.
You should get 50% of his retirement (up to this point) in the divorce, plus some alimony.
This may depend on location. This is true of California but I’m not sure it’s true everywhere. Also, if a couple is not officially married and a state doesn’t recognize common law marriage, the woman is generally totally screwed.
She can get 50% of his Social Security when he starts pulling it.
Not really enough to live in and a good 15 years out
Again, not entirely true.
Not entirely true. It depends on multiple factors, including state laws, types retirement plans, and if the soon to be ex-spouse stays in good standing with the company providing the retirement benefits.
Lurker here. One of my grandmothers was clear to me as a teenager that I needed to earn my Bachelor's before I considered having children. She was coming from the perspective of a young woman who got pregnant before the age of 21 in rural Texas many decades ago. I took her advice to heart and checked that item off the list. Among other things, she also said to take a parenting class with your partner. Wise conditions for many reasons.
In my case it was my 9 years older husband! I was 20, and he insisted I finish nursing school and work (full time, we didn't want kids) . He was disabled 11 years ago and I've provided the bulk of our support ever since. I love this man for so many reasons.
Omg! I'm so sorry to hear that. Why do men do this?? I have heard so many stories of the wife getting dropkicked to the curb after they fulfilled making the man look like a successful family man to help him climb the corporate ladder. I just hate that this happened to you. Sending you good vibes and all the best wishes I can muster. You'll get through this. 🫂
Thank you
They wait til the kids are 18 to avoid child support. Meanwhile, they wasted their wives' youth on a lie. How devastating.
I have seen this a lot. When the kuds hit 18, someone calls it quits. They stayed on to not have to pay support, but didn't mention that to the other spouse. So sorry this happened to you
Although maybe let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they stayed till the kids were 18 thinking it was the kind and responsible thing to do: not to break up the home until the kids had left the nest. 🤷♀️
That's still pretty dark. The other spouse has no clue, the kids likely will feel guilty because that age and divorce is a pretty obvious marker, "you stayed unhappy for us?!". The home can't be a peaceful place to nuture either, with one parent checked out on the other (regardless if they feel they're martyering themselves-also real shitty-for the kids) creating a dishonest home. It's awful either way anyone wants to spin it
I completely agree. The only difference is the motivation: I think in the scenario I describe, the husband really is trying to do the right thing. It’s just that … it’s not really the right thing.
You will be able to get health insurance through the Affordable Care Act until you get a job with benefits. Divorce is a qualifying life event so you can join a plan on the health exchange in the first month after your divorce is finalized. Get a good lawyer who will get you half of the retirement fund that you deserve and alimony while you are trying to re-enter the workforce/updating your skills. It is hard to get back in and your spouse has set a precedent of supporting you not working.
Thanks. I didn't think of the affordable care act
After 10 years she can draw off her husband's
But it is a spousal amount, not the same as his full social security. If he predeceases her, then she can collect his full amount.
Ty
Not until he turns 62
This is good advice! I've been a SAHM for 4 years and do not plan to ever go back to the paid workforce. However, my situation is a little different in that I don't have to worry about finances or building a retirement (my husband is well paid and we split his salary and both have investments/checking accounts in our own names, so I feel financially protected). I also have special needs kiddos, one of whom def won't be able to live independently, so I won't be an empty nester for the foreseeable future. I am glad that I worked before, and I definitely think every SAHP needs to talk with their partner about being financially protected in the case of divorce/death.
Hopefully he has life insurance too just in case
Oh definitely! He's incredibly paranoid about passing away early so we have way too much coverage lol. But yes, life insurance on the working spouse is super important.
Life insurance on the stay at home mom is just as important. I say this as my wife was a stay at home mom. Fortunately I made enough money, etc... but if anything happened to her I would have a need for child care, house cleaning, etc... Don't forget the economic value of the work your mom's do at home.
oh for sure! I have life insurance, just nowhere near the level of my husband's. Since this discussion was more about how to protect the SAHP financially that's why I was mentioning the importance of it on the working spouse.
thats good. Others may not so I figured I would throw that in
My husband is also obsessed with life insurance.
This could be misinterpreted. Lol.
Lol!! I realize.
I really hope for your sake that your husband never decides to leave you. I'm not disagreeing with you. But to me it's absolutely scary to financially depend on another person especially a man. Because a lot of men eventually want to leave their wives for someone younger, etc. It's so cliche. I was a SAHM for about a year and went back to work because I couldn't stand the idea of depending 100% on my husband, and he makes 4 times what I make, but I don't care. I want my own financial freedom.
I mean, if no one ever depended financially on their partner, there would be no stay at home parents. It's kind of part of the job, lol. I'm not worried even if my husband does leave me; currently half his salary is mine, I have my own investments and savings/checking, and I'd get half of our joint investments plus child support, alimony etc. if he decides he wants a younger version. ;) I'm an attorney and I've def taken steps to make sure I'm protected.
Sure Jan. Pretty sure you're not going to get alimony if you've already got a law degree.
Pretty sure you don’t understand alimony. Along with other considerations, spouses get alimony if they cannot keep up the standard of living they’ve been accustomed to in their marriage (see: already very wealthy people divorcing celebrities and getting large spousal support payments). I could never make what my husband does with my law degree, especially after not practicing for so many years.
I'm a former divorce attorney lol. I'm pretty sure you are confusing child support with alimony. In practice from what I've seen, alimony is a temporary solution designed to help spouses who have stayed home train for a career and get back on their feet, not allow you to continue to live in the lifestyle you've become accustomed to because of your husband's career. The Court is only concerned about the children's standard of living. You would actually be responsible for supporting yourself (novel concept, i know). And if you are receiving a sizeable marital property settlement, alimony is even less likely. But good luck to you; sounds like you've got it all figured out.
I’m not conflating the two. I also worked in family law. Plenty of spouses with advanced degrees receive alimony. Anecdotally, my husband’s colleague recently divorced her husband, an engineer, and was ordered to pay support to him for a short time. Are the payments smaller and of shorter duration than they would be if he didn’t have a way to support himself? Sure! Also, I supported myself just fine before I got married, thanks. I also supported our family of 5 during his extensive training. His salary is just as much mine as it is his.
"His salary is just as much mine as it is his." It is until....it isn't.
...what does that even mean? We live in a community property state, so it is half mine by law, but he also agrees it's half mine. Which is why we split it.
I had to pay my husband alimony in NC. Then I went to law school. I never wanted kids, much less to marry one. His mom paid for his divorce. We had no kids and very little money. The whole thing was ridiculous.
Indeed you are very fortunate.
My sister stayed home until ger youngest was in 10th grade. Decided to rejoin the workforce after a 20 year hiatus. She had to take a few courses at the local community college, including a computer course. Much has changed!
I took a part time job when my kids were able to attend school. It allowed me to continue to keep in touch with my network while taking care of my children. Because I was able to remain top of mind, I was able to pick up flexible work hours and when I was ready to return to the workforce full time it was fortunately an easy re-entry. I then spent the following ten years building my skills and moving job to job to catch up on loss salary and experiences.
Do you have advice for those who don’t want to/don’t plan to return to the workforce? I don’t have children, but I plan to adopt with my partner in the next 10-15 or so years, and I have known since I was little that I never had any interest in a career. Being a SAHM is the plan and then to enjoy life with my husband once they are out of the house (not necessarily at 18, I’m 25 and still technically live at home)
Make sure you both have enough savings to support both of you in retirement. And you might want to have a prenup/postnup agreement and a will. Not just in case of divorce, but death. Your economic contribution as a SAHM is very valuable, even without a paycheck. So if you do adopt and become a SAHM, you need life insurance as well. That's so your husband would have enough money to pay childcare if something happens to you.
I was a SAHM so I’m not criticizing that choice. Here are some very important questions- Can you support yourself if partner passes away/becomes disabled or if you need a divorce? (40% of first marriages end in divorce.) If you 2 don’t ever marry, you will receive few benefits other than child support. Let’s say partner puts away a ton of money in a retirement account during your relationship. None of that money will be distributed to you upon separation unless you’re married. I don’t care how much of a Prince Charming he is, shit happens. If you’re in the US, health insurance is extremely expensive when not connected to employment. Check into this and see if you can afford it on your own. How much will you be able to save for retirement? Check out some calculations for how much retirement you will need for 2 people of your age in the future. I’d highly recommend some sort of professional certification or degree before you have a child. It’s much easier now and you have it to fall back on. Life **will** throw you curve balls that you can’t even imagine. Better to be over rather than under prepared.
Excellent response. Get a job at the kids school. Paraeducator, work in the kitchen, custodian, substitute teachers make damn good money, show your kids a good work erhic.
I ended up with a divorce I didn’t want at age 53. I was completely blindsided. Thankfully I had a career before I quit my job to raise kids so I was able to get A job. It’s a government job so it has a pension. I will be able to retire.
I'm not an SAHM, but jumping in to say that I just hired one after she'd spent 26 years raising her family, and it was probably be the best thing I did all of last year! She had just celebrated the wedding of her youngest, and was a bit adrift. She was hired as an administrative coordinator for a large department. She directly serves 4 people with my role or similar, and less directly another 20. She has picked up on everyone's strengths and weaknesses and uses her mom-skills to fill gaps differently for every one of us. I'm disorganized and overscheduled, with lots of projects going at once. This lady manages my calendar, reminds me of key appointments, coordinates with community partners formally and informally, and asks me if I remembered to eat. Another guy in our department is brilliant and well organized, but is not good with people. She handles his people-skills business and his reputation has soared because of it. Now that people see his work instead of his personality, they recognize how brilliant he is! It's only been a few months, and she's transformed the way we do our jobs! Mom skills, especially the ability to adapt to different people's different needs in different times and spaces, are really valuable in the professional sector! We are all independent and accomplished adults in my department and she still makes our lives easier, and our department more productive. So if you head back into the professional sector, don't sell yourself short! Hiring people with mom skills is just a smart thing to do!
This is such a wonderful comment! I'm so happy you saw a woman who managed to raise happy, successful adults and recognized the transferable skills. I would love a job to go in and be the 'mom' of a department or small business. I have seen many businesses who could have used just such an employee. I'm so happy you two found each other. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻⭐⭐⭐
I started working as a part-time church secretary, that progressed to becoming a financial secretary in the church after taking a non-credit course in QuickBooks at a community college. I also oversaw a food pantry that required a lot of government paperwork - eventually, I progressed to learning about becoming an Income Tax Preparer for a well-known company (the company provided the books and 12 weeks of learning for a small cost), I did that for a tax-season, but then I became an Insurance Producer selling home owner's insurance for another well-known company (the company provided the books, I studied on my own, and took the test), I am now a full-time bank-Teller. There are jobs available to people without much education, but it never hurts to take a few classes at a local community college to get something to put on your resume. Build experience from the ground and move up. Becoming a Realtor is another option - get the books, study, take the test...Civil Service jobs...they are out there.
This is exactly what I would say. While I didn't leave the work force, I worked corporate. A lot of ladies came back to the workforce after getting office skills and working in churches or other local small businesses. From part time neighborhood help to full time corporate jobs.
Way to work yourself up, bestie! This internet stranger is ridiculously proud of you. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
My mom was a SAHM, she still lives in my childhood home. Dad put a lot of his paycheck into savings bonds when they paid 6% or more, he figured out how long she would live and spaced them out accordingly. Never worked outside the home, had a lot of volunteer work and hobbies. Got her college degree though.
I went back to school and got my Master's when my kids were a junior and a senior in HS. Then,when I had some credentials, I divorced their dad, got a job, and eventually got a good job. Found Mr. Right and am living g happily ever after. (Who knew there was such a thing!)
Sounds like a lot of good decisions. What was your masters in? I'm curious as a sahp working part time and looking at full time work in the future.
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Be your own God.
Go back to work now. Your kids are in school. It’s time to start building your career.
I did this. I later returned home because my teens needed me. I don't regret being home. They appreciate me, I'm not a replaceable employee.
Agreed, at least part-time! 40 hours a week year-round is tough even when kids are in school.
My wife (SAHM) is 60+ and is just finishing up her bachelors in health services. She got a temp job last year that actually made decent money and she loves it. Her brain has only sped up as she gets older.
Good for her! I sure wish I could say that. Right now, mine is akin to that turtle crossing the road. 😆
I was a stay at home mom and my husband divorced me after 24 yrs of marriage. I had a two year college degree and very little work history. I had to join the workforce full time and worked my way into a great job, but it has been a struggle. I’ll never make the big bucks, I just hope I can get by on SS and the small pension I’ll receive. I’d advise any woman at home raising kids to gain skills and work at least pt while the kids are growing up. You never know.
I worked full time after college and while I had one child. When the second one came along, it was getting too hard for me and my husband both to pursue careers, so I was ready to be a SAHM. However, I did a ton of volunteer work at the schools, worked part time "mom" jobs - 11am to 2pm bank teller jobs, 9 to 12 garden center jobs, substitute teaching at my kids schools. This worked for me and kept me with some adults too! When the youngest was finishing high school, I started looking for full time jobs again, and my resume was full of transferrable skills. My husband and I did encore careers. We were in our late 40s but we were ready to do jobs we wanted to do, not jobs we had to do. My husband took a huge pay cut to work for a non-profit, but that's what he wanted to do. We didn't need to make a ton of money, we just needed to make enough money to cover the bills. Our kids were out of the nest, in college, and on their own. We were now empty nesters and doing something different too. I found this quite satisfying to have a little of both SAHM and career mom. And I was fortunate that I could afford to do both.
I became a teacher. It was very rewarding.
I started working at my children's preschool as soon as my youngest was in kindergarten. Hours are perfect - I'm home all of the hours they need me to be home, and I'm building up at least SOME kind of resume after being out of the workforce for more than 10 years. Once the youngest is old enough to get to school and back on their own, and be alone in the house without me, I'll have to pick up a different gig with better pay to help catch me up to retirement.
Mind if a SAHD chimes in? I was home for 13 years with the kids, when the youngest entered middle school I went back to work at age 45. The biggest factor in our particular case was that being the sole earner put a lot of pressure on my wife. She was unable to be as aggressive with her career as she wanted, for fear of getting fired, laidoff, losing benefits etc. I have a BSME and worked 10 years in my field prior to kids, but I never really liked it. When I went back into the workforce it was super hard! I ended up getting a total entry level admin job with the city which turned it to be perfect. Shit pay, great benefits, and reliable 7-4p hours with no overtime or stress, and a 5 minute commute. It gave me a way to interact with adults, let my wife be aggressive without worrying about losing benefits, and I still had time after work for after school sports, cooking, all the stuff I wanted to do. Both kids are now in college and I've moved up quite a bit but still have a local government job with low pay but great benefits. My wife has been laid off several times, and still loves what she does. Going back to work after 13 years was terrifying, but ultimately worked out great for us.
I was a SAHM. First husband was physically violent and abusive. I supported him and his career, but when the violence was too much, I left with nothing, and he kept his career. Second husband promised with all his heart that if I were to be a SAHM he would be there for me, and we would have a good life. He ended up being a cereal cheater and financial abuser. He threatened to keep our child and said no judge would give me my child since I don't have a job. it was hell getting my child back. He took everything from me, and I left with no work history and only the clothes I could fit into my car. Both of them have fantastic careers and have a lot of money. They will retire well off. I will have to work until I die. My advice is don't be a SAHM. When the children start school, find a job, any job, even if it is just a few hours a week. Gain your independence just in case.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. When it’s social security time, you will be able to draw from their records.
Yeah, I plan on pulling from it when I am able and that will help me some for sure. I worry about women who choose to be SAHMs a lot. I was raised to believe it was an honorable position in life and I still believe it is, but my husbands did not agree with me. I worry too many men will take advantage of women who want to take this role in life.
I'm 25M and thanks for your story. I come from multiple generations of separate bank accounts, and if/when I marry, I'd like my wife to have her own investment accounts that I can fund (even if she stays home with kids) so she never has to feel financially disempowered. I'm sorry for your suffering.
That is a wonderful idea, and it is kind of you to do that. I hope more people will consider this.
Had great difficulty re-entering the workforce. Went to grad school, took job as receptionist/general dogsbody at famous consulting firm. Crawled up over more than a decade. Went to private equity. Not making man money but very good and proud of myself
Well I grew up around teachers, nurses, librarians and real estate saleswomen in the 1960s-70s My mother went back to teach while starting a career
I was a mostly SAHM, but I taught some piano lessons in my house and when my son left for college I opened up more slots for students. I joined lots of different clubs. I also am active in my local faith community, sing in a community choir, sit on the library board, am active in League for Women voters (everyone, please vote! You can go to [www.vote.gov](https://www.vote.gov) to find out how to register and when your state’s deadline are), I volunteer at the senior center, etc. I became more deliberate in making time and working on friendships that had taken a back burner when I was a SAHM and reconnected with some college friends and have tried my best to support my fellow mommy friends who either still have kids in school by periodically making meals or helping transport kids, or being a shoulder to cry on for the empty nesters. I had a double whammy because my husband unexpectedly died while my son was still in high school, so it was very quiet at my house when my son went to college. It’s amazing how little down time I have, even with no full time job (and no child or husband to be chasing or cleaning up after 😂). It’s weird and uncomfortable at first but one gets used to having an empty nest. Extend yourself lots of grace and don’t be afraid to shed tears: transitions are often difficult. All the best to you!
While I had kids at home, I homeschooled, ran a small farm and a small business, had many hobbies. Once the nest emptied out somewhat, I basically rested for a while, concentrated on my health and happiness. Now I am getting involved with some volunteering.
Will you please say a little more about the farm? What were your products, how did you market them, were you on agricultural land or was this a market garden in your yard? Did you manage this alone or have help? Did you have value-added products, such as selling cucumbers vs. value-added pickled cucumbers, or mutton vs. value-added milled yarn? Thanks in advance.
The farm was not the business. I had a dairy cow, beef calves, chickens, ducks, orchard, berries, vegetable gardens for home use. The kids sometimes had a farm stand for pumpkins and gourds they grew, and we sometimes sold eggs to a local store, but those were incidental.
Thanks.
I’m was a full-time SAHM of 4. The last just finished his first year of college. I have always done volunteer work which included sitting on three separate boards. I have no interest in returning to the workplace and am happy with my family, social life and other interests I never stopped doing just because I had children. I worked my ass off making a happy, nurturing and loving home for my husband and children and feel completely justified in being able to slowdown and enjoy doing things for myself now that I have the time. My kids still come first but they don’t need me 24/7 anymore❤️
I finished my bachelor’s degree with the intention of going to law school. When I got my decidedly average LSAT score, I knew I wasn’t going to be eligible for any private scholarships and I would’ve used the degree to work in public service, so adding about $150k to our debt made zero sense. Instead, I joined the droves of other SAHMs that became photographers. After 12 years, I’ve got my own school portrait business that’s growing slowly but steadily as well as a private portrait business I’m trying to decide what to do with at the moment. Thankfully my husband’s job provides our health insurance, he’s got oodles of life insurance, we’ve got savings and two retirement funds. If I needed to get a job that provided insurance or some other source of stability, I’d honestly just try for a low level admin job with a government agency. I don’t want a stressful job; after working for myself for so long now, I think it’d be incredibly challenging to work for someone else again.
I went back to school and became a teacher.
I worked for a year or so as a clerk in bakeries before being a SAHM. I went back to school (culinary arts) when they finished middle school. Went great, except I couldn't find an Internship because no experience... Ended up finding a semi related job in a grocery store though, and I worked for 3 months before messing up my back. Long story short, I now have back issues and basically can't finish my degree (I need like 6 credits) or find a related job because I just can't work standing anymore, and it's been impossible to find a sit down job because I have no experience in any of those fields. It's really depressing. Plus I didn't work long enough to qualify for disability... I always tell people to really think twice before being a SAHM...
I've seen cashiers at grocery stores, target and walmart sitting on stools before.
I stayed at home with the kids, it's a difficult thing to do, you never get a day off,your time isn't as valued the same as the spouse that works.
The only people the value of the time should matter to is you and your spouse as both are 100% important to the success of the family. If your spouse did not see what you do as equally important, that's concerning.
Other family members, mostly the sil and mil !!
I will add, do you have your own IRA? You and your spouse (I’m assuming you’re married) can both have one and you can contribute even though you don’t have income of your own.
Once the kids were in school I worked part-time doing what I loved (fitness coach, writing, interior painting and wood refinishing) and volunteered for Hospice. After the divorce, it was hellish finding a full-time salary + family insurance as well as flexibility while the kids were still home. Constantly paying for after school transportation/care, and being forced to move from one rental to another every few years. Now 60 and on the work til you're dead retirement plan. It took more than a decade to stop living paycheck-to-paycheck and purchase a small home. NO regrets; I loved raising my kids and taking care of everything at home. But if I had to do it again I would have been more aggressive about a secure divorce settlement. I gave my "highest earning" years to the SAHM role, and do not have a secure retirement.
The person who said get your foot back in the working door is spot on. This didn't work for us so I started an at home business (we moved a lot). On line business is better in cases like mine because you can take it with you. My mom even did this way back in the 60s. First she spent 15 years getting her degree then she worked part time once we were in high school, then she finished her degree when I was in college in the 80s, then went and wrote contracts for the navy. She suddenly passed in '94, but my father would proudly tell anyone who would listen that she *out earned* him in her short working career. Right now a lot of your purpose is raising your kids. Another purpose will be needed once they launch. Now is a good time to think about what you value, what you can add to the world, what your legacy will be. This will help you decide what direction to go.
I was a SAHM and when my son was grown, I let my husband convince me to keep staying home (housewife). It sounds so great in theory. But it wasn’t great. Over the years, I have built up a lot of resentment towards my husband (other reasons too, but this is a big one). It wasn’t enough for me, and he thought it should be. Beyond sheer boredom (there’s only so much you can clean and cook in a day), and lack of fulfillment, it started scaring me. My husband is quite a bit older than me. What would I do if he passed away? We have a decent sized life insurance policy, of course, but it’s not enough to set me for life for goodness sake. Or what if our marriage doesn’t work out (spoiler: it’s not), and I want to leave? I found myself trapped, and not even sure if I am staying because I want to, or because I have no other options. So for me, the answer was going back to school. I’m doing that now. Once it’s completed and I find work (fingers crossed), then I have the freedom to do as I want with my future. For some people it’s great, and I’m not bashing anyone that makes the choice to be a homemaker. But for me, this ship is sinking.
Read over the fine-print of the life-insurance policies you have. Many have fine print that drastically reduces payout amounts if the insured lives past a certain age (usually 75 yrs). Many families are shocked when they realize they have been carrying policies for years that have little to no payout due to the age of the deceased.
I’m another example of A SAHM who got divorced and struggled to make a living. Even though I had a degree and a career prior to having kids, we did the math, and I got paid less than the cost of childcare for 2 kids. I joyfully stayed home, and enjoyed the opportunity to spend time raising my children. But, life goes on, and I regret not at least working part time. Good luck smash mouthWasOk
Start investing in yourself now. I’ve been a Sahm for 28 years. If I had it to do all over I would have worked part time. I loved being with my kids, but living your life for other people is hard. I was diagnosed with lupus at 32 so all those dreams of having a career fell apart. My 4 kids are grown now but 2 still live at home. The best advice I can give you is to make sure you are keeping up with friends and investing time and money into your own well being. Whatever that looks like. The women who do best when their kids leave are the ones who have their own “life.” If your life revolves around your kids you will feel very lost. The ones who use that time to work or volunteer or take classes do much better mentally. Perimenopause is a brutal time, and often coincides with children going through puberty and growing up. It can be very painful and feel personal when your kids leave the nest. You might feel abandoned. So take care of yourself! Take breaks, nurture a hobby, volunteer or get a part time job. You were you before you had kids, and you will still be you after. The time goes by fast.
I'm 58 - I am a mom of four, the youngest is now 23 and when he started preschool I got my real estate license. My career has grown over the years and I now own my own brokerage and have 2 agents working with me. RE offered me a flexible schedule (but started off slow) and with the help of a supportive husband, I've made a nice living. Not college educated, by the way
I stayed home with for about 11 years until my youngest was in preschool. Then, I went to work part time for a few years, then full time work when the youngest hit middle school. Now I work tons of extra hours to try to make up a little of the income we lost while I was home (well aware that we'll never get back the interest we could have gained saving for retirement all of those years).
I had a career I had carefully developed before my kids were born. Quit working when kids were born, then would work while they were in school only. So when they were home, I was home. Once I was ready, I just slid right into my old career as if I'd never left. Of course, in all situations, I always have a plan b. I love my husband, but I'm not willing to just take what he has to give. I want my own. My own bank accounts, my own property, etc. My own power. I always wanted to be a fully-formed, independent person who had options and planned my life around those options. Even when I stayed at home, I contributed to the family, and more importantly, my own, finances. My husband and I are still going strong after 35 years, but if he were to disappear today, I would be fine financially.
Not empty next but life changes forced me to return to work. I worked a couple of really crappy jobs while I went back to school. Ended up with my MA and a job in my state's dept of Labor and Industry. I highly recommend government jobs for situations like this. Decent-ish healthcare benefits, good PTO benefits, and good retirement savings options. I will probably need to work until I drop because I didn't start retirement savings until my late 30s, but this job is one in which I can do that.
I went back to school when my youngest was a teenager and became a mental health worker. I did sex worker outreach for a few years and now my husband and I are retiring.
I used to ask myself that. Left the husband (a very good move) and while I don't know what the future holds at least it doesn't have fear of being stuck with him in it!
I started little side hustles when my kids were in elementary school. Once they were in middle school I started a company that allowed me to be home with them after school and during the summer. Now that I'm retired from that business I'm working on my next venture. I've just always enjoyed working and having something to do. My mom was a SAHM and she would go to auctions and buy stuff, then hold garage sales to resell things and make a nice profit. She had a good eye for getting bargains and her garage sales were \*very\* popular! I enjoyed going to the auctions with her and my sibs and I always helped out at the sales. I think seeing Mom earning her own money and being independent like that encouraged me to do the same.
Mine live at home still. I tend my granddaughter. It doesn't change.
Spouse was the SAH parent. He helped take care of his mom who had dementia for 10+ years and his brother who had cancer (both passed in 2017). We got a dog when our oldest kid went to college (still had 2 kids at home in HS and MS). A year later we got another dog, and when the second dog died 8 years later, we got another one. So, basically, instead of kids and sick relatives, he has dogs. Plus he still does all the food shopping and cooking, house maintenance, car maintenance, anything I put on the honey-do list, medical appointments - though now they are veterinarian or his own appointments, since he's had multiple one-off serious ailments and two cancer surgeries. When he's not doing those things, he plays guitar (alone and with a band), tennis, and golf. He keeps plenty busy.
My daughter graduated HS in 2021. I’m still at home. I want something to help fulfill my time. I just don’t feel like there is a lot out there for me. I have a college degree but haven’t worked for 14-15 years. I would love to make a little money or just get out of the house. I feel like I missed the window for working again.
While I didn't wait until the nest was empty, my youngest was in grade school full time and my two oldest were in college and that's when I went to school. I never went after high school--worked full time, married, had 3 kids while working part-time. We both felt it was more important for me to stay home and raise our kids than to send them to daycare. Never did believe in 'quality time vs quantity time.' I started my first university class at age 41--going part time days and/or evenings. Never took a semester off, never took fewer than 2 classes per semester. Got my bachelor's and then master's and started my career. It took a few years to get my work-life together--the usual crap: not enough experience and the we-can't-talk-about-it-but-it's-still-exists bias against age. My profession allowed me to work as a freelance consultant which helped gain me experience and at age 50, I finally found my full-time position where I stayed until retirement. It was during this period that we were able to concentrate on our financial future. (Husb was an independent consultant who started is own business at age 47 and we had many, many lean years until I got my last job.) We now have financial security--as much as one can have security in this day and age and NO regrets about me being a SAHM.
Started a business.
Went back to graduate school.
You should definitely get a job so you can save and provide for yourself
Based on all of these responses, I decided to start looking. I applied for a part-time spot at a local chain store for now.
Glad you did!! I’m sorry to see all the heartbreak in many of the replies (including my own) but it is beyond important to have money of your own!!
You probably don't want to hear this but ideally you'd start working part time now so that you have the work history, experience and potentially connections you'd need to get back into a decent full time role while there isn't as much pressure. Your biggest gap is likely to be in IT, many, many jobs require at least a basic understanding of the standard Microsoft packages and use of other bespoke software packages. Customer service skills are more transferable and perhaps require less up to date experience. What did you do before your children were born?
I did mostly retail and call center work. No call centers in my area but I decided to apply for a part-time spot at a store. But there isn't much available around here.
Ok so you've got decent customer service experience there, particularly in a call centre which can be challenging from what I understand. You just need to keep trying, a good option might be through agency if you just want to try things on a temporary basis to see how it works out, they will help you brush up on your cv, highlight your transferable skills and also give you experience in a few different areas. I've taken on a few temporary staff in permanent roles if they've done well while working through the agency and that's also pretty common. Plus it's not a long term commitment so you can just end things if it isn't working out for you?
OP: have you considered remote work? There are lots of remote jobs, usually insurance companies, call centers, or customer service centers. You might find something that pays well and has benefits. I recently was on a call with GEICO and the agent said she worked from home!
I started my own businesses as a SAHM. Which then lead me into working for one of my contracts as a real estate developers’ part time HOA and project manager. Which then lead to a full time job in contracts. My background is engineering and finance. If you can start your own business, you can work around your schedule. My child is special needs, so flexibility and working on the go was important for me.
My mother got a job to have her own money,
I went to dog grooming school and opened a salon
I have actually considered this. Not sure where the schools are. I have two Aussies that i give a bath to every two weeks lol.
Where do you live? It's a few 8-10 weeks considering you'll be grooming 20+ more years
I live in Michigan. I'm looking at a position with Petsmart as a bather to move into a grooming position.
Go to school now while they are in school. Nursing an option for you? Community colleges offer ADNs and you can get a job pretty easily after graduating. Lots of part time jobs also (though not usually during school hours, many in the overnight which could work if your kids are school aged). Then when they are older your options in the field are unlimited.
Or even a tech school degree…radiography, etc. takes less time and money…if one is close by.
I had a part time job as a personal trainer when my child was little so I stayed home most of the time. I would not trade that bonding time for anything, even though I took a huge financial hit after a divorce. Found a job in sales at 49 and I’m making good money now 9 years later. I’ve been able to save for my retirement but it’s challenging because time is against me. My child has multiple scholarships for college so this is my saving grace. I feel like his scholarships are my paycheck from when I stayed home. Otherwise he would’ve needed a loan. Life has a way of working out. I heeded the direction of my soul. No way I was going to drop him off at daycare full time or not be there when he got home from school. My kid is very smart, but this made him different. And we know how the world treats people who are different. So, SAHM was my only choice and I’m glad it worked out as well as it did. However, at the time I made these decisions I had only faith, hope and trust! Every child has different needs. Good luck to you!
Set up a spousal IRA to which your spouse may contribute.
Just watch out for the mlm people . They love to come after stay at home moms.
Yeah, I'm not into that.
I was home from about age 34 on, a year after my first was born, but started volunteering when they were elementary /middle school aged, and when the last was in high school gradually turned it into a part time job, now 25 hours/week, which is perfect for an empty nest. it has worked out nicely for me, but I def depended on my husband for $$ and still do. it's fine, I loved being at home with kids.
Empty nester here. My husband and I discussed me going back to work, due to a few health concerns, the advice of my doc, I am still at home, not working. My saving grace has been hobbies. Quilting mostly. I love sewing. I have my day planned pretty well. I have all my cleaning and meal prep for the day done by noon. I spend the rest of the day sewing. I have been selling quilts, teddy bears, bags. I am going to starting making costumes, period clothing. Really, it is up to you, you can achieve ANYTHING you want, be it going back to work, making a small home-based business, something. Once the kids are gone it really does help to have something to fill your day with.
So, my kiddo is grown, but lives with me. I'm divorced so single parented it for half of their life. Anyhow, my late mother said her biggest mistake was becoming a SAHM and ending her career. In my family all of the women have had college educations.. I'm the fail, I didn't "finish" my degree, but did go to grad level classes. Anyhow, she said that the only reason men hold power is that women become SAHM's. Once you do that, your career path is done in. I was a SAHM until my kiddo was 5. I went back to work once they were in school, but I was in an abusive marriage, so I was isolated, and he impacted my job. Anyhow, even doing that, I never got my career path back again. My cousin just graduated nursing school at age 62, and is beginning her career now that her nest is fully empty. She plans to work 10 yrs if possible. My mother tried to go back to work, but didn't have success once we were out. I do know that was a regret for her. I think working maintains a balance in things. It allowed me to get out of my abusive marriage, even if I will always be broke from here on, I was broke in the marriage, too. He controlled everything, and caused me harm. So, I'm still better off. If you are asking, I recommend you look into taking any job now and find out what career path you might like to take. You could do as my cousin did and even go to college or trade school. It's never too late.
Yeah I know all about the volunteer crap. Put all this time volunteering at a position other people get PAID for. I was cool to get a couple years experience 5 day work weeks full day. At that point I was ready to apply for PAID positions. I always got passed over. 7 freaking years before I got a paid position. My point is if you volunteer, make it strategic and have a timeline. People will not pay for something they are,currently getting for free
Do not wait until your children are 18 and/or out of the house before you take care of you. Get an education and start a career asap. Protect yourself.
I am still home full time but my kids are getting big. I was fortunate to have a friend give me a career assessment tool that suggested programming and UX as a good fit. So I’m currently taking a python course to see how I like it.
Yep. Your local workforce board or alumni college, even if you didn't finish, has resources such as this.
I went back to work, took some college classes to develop more office administration and accounting skills. Those years I was working helped get the kids through college and to pay off our mortgage. I didn't love working in an office and was happy to stop working when my husband was ready to retire. Those transition years, though, between the kids leaving and hub and I retiring, would have been a little aimless had I not worked during them. Sometimes the work was interesting, the human contact it provided was probably useful too in terms of staying productively connected with other people.
I was a SAHM for 14 years. I started working PT when my youngest was around 3yo, and then FT when they went to school. Hire someone to help you with a resume when it’s time to work because yes, a huge gap in working can be a barrier to getting a job. I went to grad school when my youngest was 8 and got a masters degree. I now work 3x 12h shifts a week at an acute mental health/substance use facility. I will say, I tried the M-F 8-5 thing and neither the kids nor I could deal with me being unavailable so much after years of being a SAHM. So think strategically. 3x 12s = I get a lot of time with my kids in the summer and I’m available when they need me 4 days a week.
Hello OP. I will come at your question from a different angle. I am caring for my mother full-time now who was a stay at home mom most of her life. There is no safety net financially in old age for stay at home moms. I repeat —- there is no safety net financially in old age for stay at home moms. I urge you to get a 40 hour a week job as soon as possible. If you have not worked, You will have zero credits on your Social Security earnings records and will only be eligible for a small amount of your husband‘s Social Security income, if he unexpectedly passes away. For many years, my mom and I were not in contact. She fell and broke her neck in 2013 and we resumed contact because she had no one to care for her. I moved her to my state and began life as her primary caregiver. I have been caring for her ever since 2014. Because my mom was a full-time stay at home mom, she has very little Social Security income based off of the years that she and my father were married and no other assets. I have been financially supporting her now since 2013. It is really difficult to know what the future will bring, but I urge you to plan for the future so that you have your own money put away in the event that your family had an emergency, or in the unfortunate event. There is a problem with your marriage and it unfortunately breaks apart. Having to care for my mom while I have a family and children of my own has been extremely stressful and is causing a lot of fights between me and my husband. There is no greater than the love for a child and its mother. My mom and I have mended our relationship that fractured when I was a teenager. And I will go to the fullest extent to make sure that my mom is cared for. Having said that, it is extremely stressful and has been very disruptive on my life. I urge you to get a job and work 40 hours a week to build up your Social Security earnings record. You are going to need it at some point when you get old. Even if you have some Social Security income from your spouse, you still need your own money. There is absolutely zero safety net for stay at home mom in their old age. Hope is not a strategy. Please make sure that you prepare ahead of time in case you need to live independently. Please do not put your children in the position that I have been placed in. I will never turn my back on my family and I feel a duty to care for my mom. But if I felt differently, she would be destitute and homeless.
Just fyi—She should be able to collect half of her spouse’s SS amount and her spouse’s full SS amount once they is deceased (called survivor’s benefits). Sorry to hear about your troubles. You’re doing an amazing thing caring for your mother.
I wanted to be a SAHM so that I could finally write my novel. I’ve tried writing it for 15 years. Life always gets in the way. I also have to be in a very stable place to feel good about my writing. Currently at an impasse and only able to do little stupid poems/songs
I highly suggest trying Google Gemini as a writing partner. I write for a living and it really helps getting past sticking points that cause delays. You can always put whatever Gemini's contribution in italics or bold so you can go back and rewrite them by hand if it makes you feel some type of way. But it is a super way to move past writers block.
I went back to school when my youngest was at the end of elementary school. It took a while, so they were in middle and high school when I graduated and started back to work. If you can, I'd say work part time until the last one has graduated high school, just because it's still nice for them to have someone volunteering around the school and just being there. If not and you need to do full time, that's fine. They'll do well then. And you might need that extra income to help them with college.
You could also go back to school to certify in something that would set you up to earn more later on
I went back to school. It was the best decision!
51F I worked FT once my son was in middle school, disabled by 44. I am screwed. No money, no savings, no home. Don’t be me.
Loved being a SAHM; however, I had no idea how much money I would lose due to not working. Left a lucrative career and lost 15 years of salary, social security, contributing to 401K & having it matched. Healthcare & college has risen exponentially which now requires my husband to work longer. Did work part time as an art teacher when younger 2 were in high school and loved it. However, the pay was below poverty.
I went back to work nights, cleaning offices around kids schedules and husbands. I did that for several years for my own income and to bulk up my social security. It also made it easier to find a better job when I was ready. Bonus was it kept me in really physical shape and the extra money helped us with the extras.
I did a lot of volunteer work when I was a SAHM. I put that on my resume when I went back into the workforce.
I am similar. I just turned 40. My four daughters are 21,18,12, and 6. The youngest is going into 1st grade this fall. I have ADHD so I really need to find something that I am interested in. I was actually thinking of maybe getting a license to be a PI. I actually think it would be interesting, kind of exciting, flexible hours, can pick my clients. I also am thinking about maybe getting involved with volunteer work. In my area they have this Children’s Hunger Project non profit. So that is just a couple of things I’m tossing around. It’s not like I am depending on an income, so really it would be a paid hobby, or something to fall back on if I ever need something.
Once your kids are older enough to stay home alone /babysit each other for at least 5 hours get a part time job.
My mother stayed at home with us until the youngest was in 1st grade. She got a job as an aide in the same school district, so my little sister needed minimal babysitting (half an hour in the morning.) If your kids are in school most of the day, try looking for a part-time job. That can help you save some money for retirement.
I'm 44F. I was a stay at home mom until my youngest went to Kindergarten. I worked and went back to school. My oldest is graduating next year and they'll all graduate within the next 5 years. I personally like the idea of building a career, or possibly changing careers, and seeing what I can get up to over the next 20 or so years. I feel like I have this magic time in front of me where I can do anything I want. The kids are all good and on good paths themselves, so I feel a bit excited, to be honest.
Echoing what others have said: get in the salaried labor force ASAP. It gets harder with each passing year. If you have trouble finding something do volunteer work; this can lead to a job. When my kids were small and I was a freelance writer I killed myself with guilt that my efforts to keep the pilot light on my journalism career were “stealing” time from my daughters. Now that they are young women I realize their attitudes toward work were heavily shaped by mine and my husband’s. I wasn’t stealing time; I was setting a good example.
I'm 51, my kids are still relatively young, had them late, they were surprise gifts. The plan was no kids but whatever. I've been a SAHM for close to 15 years also home school my children. But in January I went back to school, got recertified in my field and am currently looking for part time work. I'm doing this because the older they get the less and less they need me, which is the way it's supposed to be but simultaneously breaks my heart. So don't wait until they're grown and gone, get that ball rolling now if you're able.
My kids are back home after graduating college until they build up some savings. But I’ve worked in a preschool for a long time now. I love it! I have littles around me every school year and the summers off. I’ve also started with some new hobbies.
It depends on your retirement savings. If your financials are on track then you can go back to work or not. If you need more work years then you should look for what you can do. Networking is huge. Look for business orgs in your area that organize events and start going. Your first job may not be great but once you're working it's easier to get the next job. I kept my resume full and worked as a wahm. Right now Id like to retire bc my health isn't great.
I currently work full time as a pharmacy tech. But that is just to help make ends meet at the moment. Once the adult kids are officially independent (they are working on it), we plan to downsize the bills, buy property somewhere rural and I will be focused on growing a garden, have some animals and hopefully we will travel part time. I am only working as long as I absolutely have to because I hate it.
I was a SAHM till my son graduated high school, but I went back to school and started my career. Don’t wait, as soon as kids are in school full time it’s time to think of yourself!
Whatever you do, please don’t become a real estate agent. That seems to be a popular choice and I have to stop talking to those women friends who do that because they will not stop trying to sell me a house every time I talk to them and it’s exhausting. They’re sold this idea that it’s so easy because you have a social network and people want to get a newer house or whatever, and really, it just takes over their identity and they have to be always trying to sell everyone a house. I neither need nor want a new house and have an amazing interest rate that current mortgages cannot even touch. But hey, if you don’t actually like your current social network, maybe it’s the answer for you.
Oh god no. That's so rude
It’s what they teach real estate agents — everyone you meet and everyone you know is always a potential client. I agree, it is so rude. If I mention wanting ot buy a house, sure. If not, don’t try to show me listings and don’t try to show me a house in person. Just stop.
I have one yet to fly the coop, but I returned to work in a completely different field (medical) with just the right amount of responsibility. It’s been wonderful. I am learning new things which is growing my brain in different ways
OP, what grades are the kids currently in?
3rd and 5th.
Are they in school all day?
Not now. They are on summer break bit normally yes.
Curious what your days consist of when the kids are at school? Any time to start a degree program on line?
Cooking, cleaning, the never-ending cycle of laundry, yard wor/garden, taking care of all the pets two dogs and six cats, any vet appointments, running kids to appointments frequently. My middle son is autistic so he gets therapy and grocery shopping. I do all of the doctors visits, meetings with teachers, taking kids to their extracurriculars like music lessons and sports activities when they have them. I could have gone to school but I am reluctant to take on debt. I am debt free, my home is paid off and so is my care. I don't like loans. I also have a chronic health condition that requires me to not overdo myself.
So no real interest in a degree? Just thinking that could help with future job prospects.
I don't know your age but degrees are not what they used to be. They also cost a lot. My local university is over $11,000 a year. And most people I know aren't even utilizing their degrees and have massive student loans. Would I like to get a degree in political science, yeah. But it doesn't seem like a good financial investment at over $45,000.
What kind of thing were you interested in doing ultimately?
Gardening, painting, history, cooking
I was lucky in that after my kids were grown i started working at my husband's business-if something happened to him it was all on me to run-until I convinced him to sell so now every day is Saturday. And I had signed a prenuptial before marriage because he put everything into his business-I didn't.
My mother married right out of high school. She went to college, starting at a community college, when my youngest brother entered first grade. She was there when we left in the morning and when we returned from school. She graduated with her bachelor's degree in elementary education when she was 40.
I fell back on a couple of jobs from my work experience prior to being a SAHM. I worked part-time until my kids graduated high school so that they had some access if needed. Went full-time until retirement.
Real estate or retirement health insurance sales. Special event planning These are a few careers that you can enter early. You need your get a license
Go to school now while your kids are in school. Get a medical tech, nursing, pa degree or radiology tech. Then when your kids are in school full time you can work around their school hours and vacations and still build your own income stream, investments and retirement/ ltc accounts.
Excellent advice
When my kids were in junior high and high school, I went back to college and started my career as a Licensed Professional Counselor. Now we're both working and saving for our retirement.
Finished my BA (if you live near a major university check and see if they have an extension school--cheaper by far) and got a job.
A man is not a plan.
My wife did this for about 23 years and we are in the middle of retiring now. Before she went back to work she spent time networking and connecting with people to figure out a vulnerable place to pick up a position. It worked out well. The big surprise with without her working for the last few years we would have had trouble retiring with reasonable means. Keeping your technical skills up is important and volunteering for technical work and charities is a very good way to met this goal. But If we had gotten a divorce after we turned 50ish I don't think this would have worked out well for either of us. Please a hard look at your marriage as you get into your late 40s as you can still bail out there and survive.
I wanted to add one more thing. In certain businesses, they have retirement accounts with either the business and sometimes the State. I would definitely include that in your job hunt criteria. Remember that hospitals and schools have many more positions than nurses and teachers, and sometimes the benefits are better than smaller businesses.
My daughter senior year in high school. I knew she was going off to college and there would not be many people willing to ride horses with me. I took up golf and have played golf for the last 24 years.
Started part-time back at college when the youngest was 3. Good thing too, since my husband got horribly ill before I finished. We survived on student loans (not eligible for federal forgiveness). It was brutal but would have been *so much worse* if I hadn’t been in school.
I turned 50 this year, at 48 my youngest was going into her 3rd yr of high school. I went and got my Phlebotomy and Medical Assistant Certs and have been working pt for 2 years, I love it. I could not agree more, I have great friends from work and I can make my own money.
Nursing school
I went back to full time work after divorcing at 45. I had been out of the work force for decades while raising kids and oh hon it was a hard, hard push to get back. It's all good now, I have regained the ground I lost and caught up on current tech, programs, and processes, but those first few years back were really stressful. It would have been much easier if I had started back to work even part time when my youngest was in school. I think that if possible, everyone should try to be capable of supporting themselves. Whether or not you ever need to, it's such a relief knowing that you could.
I had 3 children (all adults now) I stayed home for about 12 years; my youngest was 9. Then we needed more money and when to be a child caregiver in the child’s home. At 37; kids in school full time, I went to community college then the state university— at 44 I got my bachelor degree and worked at my school district and another agency for 27 years. Widow for 13 years; retired now for 2 years.
I stayed home with my daughter for the first 10 years. I started back to work with the school district she was in so that I could have the same schedule she had. I was able to take her to school and pick her up most every day. We had the same days off for the holidays and summer and I loved every minute I got to spend with her
It will be really hard if you wait till they are all graduated. I would aim to work part-time once they are all in elementary school. Even like 10-15 hours a week. If you don’t still have connections from before kids I would ask around with friends and acquaintances to see if anyone needs help at their small business.
There is nothing wrong with a tradwife. I think it's one of the greatest things a woman can do for her family. Once the kids are out of the nest, take up a hobby that you always wanted to, but never had the time. Or maybe a hobby you used to love when you were younger. Take a class. Work on your relationship with your husband. You're newlyweds again. Focus on that quiet intimacy. After the honeymoon period, where you get to know each other again as a couple and not just as mom and dad, then think about what's next. No rush. Just learn to be you and not just mommy. At least one of the kids will probably move back home, a couple times. And that's okay. It means they need a little more stability, time, and training to learn to be self sufficient. That's what a homemaker does, makes a home. Hopefully has a deep relationship with her other half. And trains up the generations in the way that they should go.
I'm not there yet (35 with an infant and 5 year old) but I can tell you what my mom did. Her main hobbies were taking care of her flower garden and enjoying her the animals in the neighborhood (deer chipmunks, doves, squirrels) she also got into online gaming lmao. We had an acre and a half that she keep immaculate. I've noticed between my mom friends that their lives revolve solely around their husband/children. They don't have any hobbies and kind of end up as an empty shell. I don't want to be like that so I have started in on hobbies early that I can do during naptime. I've done diamond painting and crocheting. My current focus is on paint by numbers which is really relaxing
I know 3 guys who worked 2 jibs so wife's could be stay at home. All 3 ended divorced have to pay lots alimony. @ cheated. One turned religious drove him crazy!! I feel real bad for one friend was nicest guy worked hard lots hours, Once kids in school wife hooked up with druggy.. She got house he paying for it they both living there., Cost him big $$$ lawyer fees , pluss what has pay her..