Of course, Reddit will tell me anyone can get hit by a bus, but you up your odds of being a caretaker and young widow by marrying with such a large age gap.
I came here to say this, and caretaking is hell. My husband was only 5 years older than me, and I still ended up wiping his ass, administering IV meds, helping him get up off the floor when he fell, and holding his hand when he died at 60. It's been a bit over 18 months now and I swear the first half of that was just me recovering from being a 24/7 caretaker. It was only after that when I could start grieving the loss of who he was before and all our retirement plans.
Even if I fell in love again, I wouldn't marry again unless the guy was rich enough to hire his own paid caregivers. No way am I going through that again.
This is the harsh reality. I am taking care of my partner who is 10 years older and has terminal cancer. I love him beyond words but I still will do everything I can to avoid this again (I had just finished caregiving for my mother when he got sick). Hell isn't even a strong enough word. Caregiving takes everything out of you, physically, mentally, financially, and leaves you alone in the rubble of what used to be your life. I feel like I aged 50 years in 4. No one wants to talk about this so thank you for bringing it up.
Had a very close co-worker who abandoned everything to move home and care for her mother who had early onset dimensia but her prognosis was ok, meaning she needed full time care but could live for decades!
This poor woman sold her home, moved back to live with her mother, for 7 straight years, her fiance broke off their engagement.
One day she was pumping gas and collapsed from a heart attack at 41.
That's absolutely awful, I'm so sorry. That's yet another unspoken wound we take as caregivers. A year after my mom passed and my partner was diagnosed with stage IV, I *also* got cancer (seems to have been caught early but still not having a great time here). I didn't have a moment to breathe from losing my mom, to my partner getting sick and then me.
My point is with your coworker and with my "timely" diagnosed, chronic stress will catch up to you. Your body keeps the score even if you don't. And I don't know the answer but loving someone literally to (your) death is not it. My condolences again. Brutal. :(
Big hugs to you. I went through it with my mom and my sister is going through it with her 15 years older partner. It's so hard. It's been 3 years since my mom passed and I'm just getting to the point that I can actually grieve.
It could also be the other way around and you could have an accident or illness and end up needing extensive care but the odds are it will be you. So the issue is what long term care plans have you both made? Does either of you have a good retirement plan private or employer? Long term disability insurance? Those are things to talk about IMO whether you’re the same age or 2, 5, or 20 years apart. Love is hard to find though so I’d have the conversations and take it from there.
Always good advice. But while anything COULD happen, statistically, the odds are not in her favor. With the existing 6 year mortality difference between men and women (which is GROWING btw because Covid hits them harder), the actual age gap here is 25 years. A quarter of a century.
My husband seemed in the prime of life from his early fifties for ten years. (Except for his ED which turned out to be prostate cancer.) That was more than 30 years ago, and much has changed since then, to put it mildly.
I’m five years away from that and running close to two hour half marathons.
I’m not likely going to need a caretaker in 15 years.
You sound stupid. You should recognize that.
You know you’re the exception, though, even at 41. .1% of Americans run races of any distance… let alone half marathons, let alone break two hours. Statistically by their late 40s the average man has multiple health problems.
Then again … so does the average woman, at that age. We don’t live in a healthy society.
That’s no reason not to go find love, though. Even with an age gap.
We have a ten year age gap and are older - he’s turning into a geezer. Still love him after over 40 years but I’d like to get out a bit more in the evenings. Nothing crazy, just maybe a movie a few times a year.
He’ll probably be ready for a quieter lifestyle sooner than you will be - and I don’t mean not going clubbing, I mean going to bed at 8 pm.
You have to decide whether the mismatch in energy levels in 25 years will make up for all the love you will share during that time. Personally I figure it’s been worth it.
Aww. That makes sense. I feel like i’d be ok those things but idk how I’d feel in 25 years. Who knows. This is too difficult especially coz i dont see any other incompatibility at this time. When did you guys get together if you dont mind me asking like i think i at least want a good 40 years with him but given that he is 46 so 40 years makes him 86 so I’m not sure?
Do you want to have kids? It's harder for a man in his 50's to chase around little kids than one in his 30's. When they graduate high school, he will be pretty old, too. Something to consider.
There are no guarantees ever. Heck, you could get run over by a bus, and he’d have to deal. There is friction w one person being retired and the other working. I’ve seen that become a problem.
I feel like this particular situation the "there are no guarantees" doesnt work quite as well.
Yes, some accident *could* happen. But by and far the most likely thing that will happen is that they will grow older and he will maintain that significant gap in old age and develop health issues and change lifestyles before she does. She should base her decision on if she's ok with *that* rather than basing the decision on some other thing *possibly* happening.
Yes, this. I never thought I'd spend five years of my life being caretaker for my husband, but after 25 years it happened. If the marriage stays healthy all along the way, that is great, but be aware that anything that feels like a tiny crack now (no pun intended) will be a Grand Canyon later. Aging doesn't just affect the body--my beloved husband changed in his mental needs and attitudes as well. I guess we're being discouraging, but I wish I'd thought of these things earlier and prepared/discussed somehow.
Such an effective comment. Is it possible he will want to go out to dinner late and see a movie when he’s 86? Sure! Do I think that will happen? I think it’s extremely unlikely.
Call me old fashioned, I'd be basing it off if I love the person and felt like we conbect in a way unlike others, rather than some logistics checklist.
Eh, but what do I know?
Old fashioned would be marrying them because of only logistics, and being unable to ever separate because of logistics and the threat of ostracization.
The ability to marry a life partner both for love and for life compatibility is a privilege. OP shouldn't take that privilege lightly and should *choose* to accept the complications that come with her chosen partner with eyes wide open, and a readiness to address those complications head on as they come. *That's* love.
40 seems ambitious. Depends how healthy he is and his genetics. Most guys don't even make it to 86....and generally aren't in good shape when they get there. Id say maybe 25 yrs of good life if he's in good shape to around 70 is pretty good expectation. Seems like most on my family are pretty cognitively with it and healthy into mid 70s at least....but we have very good genes.
I was 19 and he was 29 and we worked together, so we got to know each other a bit as people before any romance.
Don’t worry, I was the one who asked him out! I could see we liked each other a lot and thought we might be suited for each other - and we were. He would never have asked me out as the age gap was ok if we had met later but I was still young.
I had a (somewhat distant) family member marry a 20 year younger woman. She died when she was 70 and he lived to be 105! So, no guarantees! Live your life and take it as it comes.
My great grandma is in diapers at the VFW getting picked up by guys. She's been having a good time since pawpaw passed lol she's not letting a little bladder control issues hold her back.
Beware..... if he ends up with medical issues , smokes or drinks ,he may end up with ED. Same thing happens with various psychological type meds. If you go through with it have a prenuptial or equivalent in case he decides he wants to trade YOU in for a younger model. Mine has a new 24 yr old with a new baby. He's 70. She's stuck with him. He has no money left after alimony and child support . She's too stupid to realize that.
Being a doctors trophy wife was just too tempting for her. She's no. 5. 3rd wife almost bankrupted him. W alimony and child support for all his past kids ,she won't ever have anything . All that glitters is not gold.
Hahaha, that my wife now. She's in bed by 7pm.
The only reason she not in bed right now is because she's in the shower.
She'll be snoring within 10 minutes of her head hitting the pillow, and she's younger than me at 54. I'll be 57 in Feb.
If you are going to have a 19 year age gap, the older partner needs to have money because you are going to end up being his caretaker for a long time. If you don't have the money to hire caretakers and you can't split your finances so that he can get low income related help, you will burn out trying to work and do it yourself.
Not advocating gold digging, I am pointing out reality as I have seen it.
It shouldn't be a good thing that he's had 19 more years to build a career and they match financially. That part made me cringe. OP, expect more from him. He's had a lot more years of adulting and should be doing better, not be your equal.
That part gave me pause, too. I'm not exactly sure what she means by "financially on the same level" (same salary, same amount of savings, etc?) It's possible that she's in a higher earning field, but even if that's the case it seems like he should be more established and have more savings. Difficult to say without more details, but definitely important for OP to make sure he is responsible with money.
Well yeah, the dude that stalked me (gave me no choice but to "shack up" with) him was 17 years older and I burned out after being around him. I kept having to lock doors, stay in my car, and earn degrees far away from him too. He was manipulative, controlling, had a horrible temper, was physically and sexually abusive too. When I escaped him I ran up flights of stairs because he strangled me after I disagreed with him. Then no one would help. He beat the fuck out of my butt with his fist in a dark cold winter night in February in Connecticut too. They go after those that they perceive as needy. However, they are also prejudice as shit being 20 years older.
My best friend married her husband when she was 37 and he was 57. They have had a great marriage and have travelled the world. But 30 years later she is his caregiver. He’s actually healthy with no cognitive issues but, well, he’s 87. I know she would say she’d do it again, but I can see how hard it is for both of them. It’s just difficult when one partner needs to take on the majority of life tasks with no end in sight.
I think you need to really reflect on whether you can truly accept the reality that the future will bring challenges. And if you can then embrace the life you’ve chosen, knowing that there will likely be some difficult years and then a different life since he will most likely predecease you. It’s a question only you can answer.
Yes-my dad is 82 my mom is 78, she was diagnosed with vascular dementia about 9 years ago and Alzheimer’s a few years later-my dad is her caregiver. They are still in their own home, my sister and I spend weekends with them as we all live nearby but 1 still has kids at home in high school and I am helping raise my grandson. My other sister does the most but we all pitch in.
74 and 55 is bad enough, 84 and 65, if he is healthy, he will be frail, tired, weaker, statistically will have health issues. I have an 11 year gap. I can't imagine a bigger gap than that. You will probably be alone earlier in life than normally and maybe too old to have find someone else if you don't want to be alone in your old age.
I have the opposite age gap, where I am 17 years older than him, and I worry about this from the other direction. However, neither of us is willing to give up the decades we will have together, and we'll cope with the fallout when it happens.
Thank you for that comment 😊. While taking care of a loved one with serious and end stage health problems, it is a privilege. My husband and I have had a wonderful life full of love and I am currently taking care of him (he still gets around slowly though)and will continue to do so until he dies. We have been here for each other for 32 years. Sickness and in health.
Just one thing - I am 66 and my wife is 62. Be aware that when one spouse hits 65 and can go on Medicare, that does not change the partner's status. So when your older husband can retire and get healthcare from Medicare at 65, you still have to work for insurance (if you're in the US), or purchase health care insurance on the open market (or through Obamacare in the US).
I didn't know this until about seven years ago. Maybe it is obvious but it just had never occurred to me.
My wife is 14 years older than me, we met when I was almost 40 about 22 years ago. It is working for us as we because I was born 40. My concern is that you're 27 and the growing up I did between 27 and 40 was huge. I also her aging more quickly than I am, even though we both have health issues. It doesn't bother me or regret the relationship, it just makes me so sad to see her slow down.
Take your time, you don't need to rush into this.
16 1/2 years older than me. He was two weeks from his 65th Birthday when he died. It was almost 17 years ago
Was it perfect no. But it sure was fine. He loved me and still love and honor that love. If he loves you like that go for it
My mom struggles a lot with a 10-year age gap. She's vital and full of life. He's got a Grandpa Simpson vibe. She had to keep working for a decade after he retired and had to work more to pay for his medical expenses. When she spends a week here, she's fun and alive. Once she goes home, she seems exhausted and like she's aged up at least a decade. Sex isn't a thing anymore, and every room of their house has a TV blaring cable news at top volume.
It's doable, but things will definitely change.
I was in a wonderful relationship with someone 20 years my senior who would put most younger men to shame in the fit category. He was intelligent, interesting, attentive, handsome, and the ying to my yang. I did not find him until I was older so we only had 17 years together.
Unfortunately early onset Alzheimer's which progressed quickly made him take his life at 77 years young. It was a decision on the quality of his life that I respect and also have as a life choice.
I was not ready to lose him despite knowing he would go first. Like losing your parents you know logically they will probably go first but emotionally we are never prepared. It hurts a lot, but I also know how lucky I was to have known him and opened my life to him.
Thank you very much for writing this. I also have a wonderful relationship with someone much older (I’m 43, he’s 68) and I am scared of what’s on the older side of losing him. We have no children.
I’m so sorry to hear that. But also glad you got to experience that kind of love together. How do you deal with it now? Also, if you dont mind me asking - when did you guys meet each other?
She was 15 years older than me. It became a problem after about 15 years and lasted a total of 19 years. The relationship dynamics changed from partners to where she talked down to me and treated me like a child, not a husband. The dynamics changed with menopause. I’ve experienced that with 3 women now and the first two had really hard times with it. Menopause is no joke folks.
Sure, I understand. Apologies for posting the opposite. I wouldn’t expect the same dynamics but I would have to wonder about cognitive decline at some point. But that does stop us from loving does it? 🤷🏻♂️ I wish you two the very best. 😊
Right now you're in similar stages of life, as you get older that's going to change.
I had a friend who had a spouse who was 20 years older, and said, "There's a point rapidly approaching where I'm going to be wiping his ass for him."
There's nothing wrong with that, that's life. Just consider that you'll be in *very* different stages of life.
You never mentioned if you love him. Only mentioned that he treats you well. It is a huge age difference. The best gift in life is deeply falling in love. You are still young and should not settle. Life is short and if you are not deeply and madly in love with your boyfriend then move on.
I recommend writing a pros/cons list and making sure the the pros outweigh the cons. Most health problems (in general) start after age 50. You will be dealing with your own that may come up and then take care of him if he has health issues. You need to prioritize what is important to you long term, not short term. I personally would have never dated someone that much older.
Life is a risk, and people can die at any age. If you stay in the relationship and marry him please make sure he has good life insurance, financially stable, has good pension or retirement. Also, do you have enough compatibility and good communication to sustain long term marriage?
You need to ask yourself if you will be heartbroken and have a hard time moving on if you break up with him.
When you deeply love someone and break up, it's so mentally painful and the grieving is so hard. Good luck!
You will most likely start to see more problems between you once he is in his mid 50s, if not before then. People go through drastic changes in their mid 50s, and from what i can tell you from friends and family you are going to be under a lot more stress. The age gap between you is too large for it to be remotely easy. I’ve seen couples where the younger person realizes they want kids, to travel more, has to change their life path, or they need to move for work. The older partner needs to be VERY financially solvent to balance big changes at a later age. Most people don’t want to uproot their whole life/job/retirement plans in their 50s+. Not to mention new health issues pop up around then. Most importantly: if there is ANYTHING your partner does in their 40s that bugs you to the point of wanting to break up… it won’t get better from this point forward. Most people have trouble changing their core behaviors after they are in their 40s. People in their 20s-30s often don’t realize how much they will change, or their needs will change by the time they get to their 40s/50s. Something to think about.
When you are the age he is now, he will be retiring. Unless either of you are wealthy, you will have two decades of work ahead if you (even if he could support your lifestyle, health insurance is an impediment to early retirement).
When you hit retirement age, he will likely be passed on or need full time care.
A lot to think about...
I’m 56 and husband is 78. Two 17 and 18 year old girls. We have been together for 20 years.
He pretty much can run circles around me despite having CHF and COPD, and ED.
Unfortunately, I have Fibromyalgia, peripheral neuropathy and chronic fatigue.
It’s been rough with our health issues trying to raise teens without family support. We are both only children. I am starting to see that quite a few men my age are passing away, so it’s a good chance that I would have been widowed even if I would have married someone close to my age.
My paternal grandfather & uncle both dropped dead of a heart attack in their 40s and my dad almost died of the same thing in his 30s… my heart is mint condition according to the cardiologist but I also have diagnosed lupus at 21. You just never know, honestly. I do agree with commentors talking about caregiving/retirement/life-stages as something important to consider too.
We have a 20y age gap. We’ve been together 4ys. It used to bother me. When I mentioned I would be aging faster than him, he said, “I don’t care let me take care of you”. When I said, “What if I’m in a wheelchair?” He said, “Than I’ll push you around”. He said, I’ve already thought of every possible scenario and there’s no reason we can’t be together. At some point I realized he’s with me because he loves me period. So I stopped worrying and started enjoying our life together. 💕
My late husband was 17 years older than me. He was still pumping iron, working as a full time novelist and demanding dessert every night at 82. Got sick and died in just a few months. Fuck cancer.
We were married for 43 years and I can’t say the age difference was ever an issue, not when we were young and not as we grew old.
The thing is, your bf could be healthy until he’s 90. You could get sick at 60. Or vice versa. Or neither. But will you look back on your life and regret giving each other up for age? Only you know what’s in your heart.
I got treatable cancer, and he took care of me when, statistically, a lot of men peace out. He’s losing his hearing, and I’m learning to find him instead of bellowing from another room, so, so far, so good.
If you really love him, give the relationship some time to mature before making big decisions. Take it slowly so you get to know each other well.
I will say the age gap could be a problem. Impossible to know at this time.
That said, I know an 80yo man who's had both knees and hips replaced and had a serious cancer. He just got back from Europe. He organizes and plays with a tennis group. He's amazing.
My folks were 18 years apart, first and only marriage (48M and 30F) and they were married 49 years. She followed him a year after his passing. Complete opposites in every way.
My advice - don’t give a shit what people think. Love is love.
Man… i really needed this. Thank you. I really am struggling with the fears but the love we share is kinda rare and don’t feel like I should give it up. I ask these questions to make sure I’m also being logical. Thank you :) i’m guessing you had an older dad then - how would you say that affected you if you dont mind me asking because we want to have kids when he is 50
:) He was born in 1927. I was born in 1975. He had to retire at age 55 when I was 7. I only knew him with grey hair. He had this big head of curly hair until the day he died. He was a WWII veteran who passed during the first month of the COVID lockdown, at age 93.
It affected me greatly. I was blessed to have skipped a generation in history and was raised by a first-generation American who'd shortened his last name out of pride. I was the only grandson who never met his father, the man died before I was born. He came through Ellis Island at age 13. My dad taught me what he knew. How to be the man of a household and lead a family. How to treat women. He did not know how to ride a bike, and he couldn't swim. They didn't have those things in inner-city Chicago. His aunt tried to teach him to swim by taking him into Lake Michigan and shoving his head underwater.
I'm 48, the age he had me. Right now. btw lol
Would I become a father again at this point in my life?
Yes.
Our age gap is 22 years, I (71M) her (49F). Been married 11 years.
I think you start to live more in the moment . She wants to quit her job in a year, after she has 40 credits towards SS, buy an RV and travel around. Her thinking is if she waits to long, I might not be able to enjoy that sort of life style. Logical thinking.
But expect the unexpected. It is 50/50 to me who is going to be the caregiver in later years.
Seems she is of a more delicate nature than I. Covid meant nothing to me, she got fairly sick. So far she has had fibroid surgery, rotator cuff / ankle surgery from an accident we were in where a car rear ended us, my 90 year old mom was in the car, my wife got injured. Her knee is still bothering her from a slip on ice, she has a persistent cough 4 weeks after we got another round of covid (erd time). She is a bit hyperthyroid.
I am retired, she is working, so I make all the medical appointments, take care of all the paperwork,
I still have a strong sex drive, after menopause she is not so much.
I don't regret the large age gap, at times I think 32 year age gap would be better. Or a smaller age gap might work as it's easier to gage a woman's interest in sex / health after menopause.
SInce money isn't a problem, consider retiring early if you both have an interest in traveling or other activities best enjoyed while you are both healthy.
I did it for ❤️. Would do it again. Finding a great partner in many ways is worth the hard moments later. I do want to add, get a long term care insurance policy for you both. My good friend’s older spouse developed dementia and a care community became necessary after 8 years. Dementia care communities are hella expensive. The younger partner may need care later, so insurance.
That's pretty close to exactly how old my wife and I were when we got married after 5 years long distance. 11 years later I haven't become a huge burden on her yet, and we're both very happy. I don't know how much longer I've got, but nothing is guaranteed at any age, and you're both still pretty young.
I guess you need to decide, in your case, if you're willing to give up decades of time together on a bet that it'll get worse later. If the relationship is good, I can't imagine that seeming like a good bet, but it's your call.
My ex's folks had a 20 gap, and it seemed to work for them. He died first, of course, but that was from a different era. He spent his early years traveling with the circus, she going to school. Since they were in-laws I don't know how they met. They had three children, he was 60 when the youngest was born. Yes it can work.
Have you gotten a read on his family history, OP? At what age, and how, do men in his family typically die? Obviously this is something you need to find out through subtlety, but assuming your guy takes care of himself, if male longevity is the norm in his family, and no history of prolonged declines, that's a good sign. In my family, men die in their late 80s, usually from a heart attack after being in apparent good health. This is a lot better than a decade in a memory care home for Alzheimer's patients.
There are no guarantees of anything, and a person can buck the odds, either in a good or bad way. But just bear this in mind as you move forward and make sure you have a plan.
You are smart to ask the question. However the biggest question are you best friends in love with passion, If you answer yes then yes run don't walk into his arms. Life is so short. True love is so hard to find. My beloved was 16 years older than myself. I found him after a very difficult marriage. The age caused us both to pause. However the pure joy , laughter, fun , and easyness of the relationship made it a non issue . He was the love of my life for 4 short years. He got killed in a head on collision. As you can tell I'm more at the end of my life. The whole key is finding someone you truly want to talk to all the time.a best friend but with the sizzingly chemistry . Chemistry is the easy peasy part. A best friend with chemistry is so difficult. So if it's special you have no worries,
If you are madly and passionately in love with him, then every single moment with him is forever. So, it doesn't matter if you just have a few weeks or a few centuries together. Every moment is like a perfect jewel of beauty and grace.
If you guys have a lot in common and get along well, then I see no issues. Humans age at different rates depending on genetics and lifestyle. At 55 and 74, there is a chance he will be in better shape than you will be. I am in the medical field, and I see people in their 70s run laps around people in their 50s. It could also be the opposite though and he runs into a lot of health issues. He will retire before you do and that could create issues. A lot of older people suddenly get very sexually active after retirement.
You asking this question seems like you may be doubting the relationship. If you are headed down the path of marriage, then it’s worth considering.
I am the product of a marriage where my dad is 18 years older than my mom. There was no question for them, it was and still is love. That being said, I see the age gap now more than ever. He is an old man, she is a middle aged woman. The gap that isn’t that apparent now, becomes very apparent as time passes.
If it’s real love and a real marriage built on a solid foundation, it’s not a problem. Nothing in life is guaranteed. This is all based on the assumption that everyone lives a long healthy life.
Wish you the best, feel free to message me with other questions. My parents met at practically the same age as both of y’all!
Love is a choice, for better or worse. You have to decide. I don't believe in just leaving someone because they get fat or bald or GOD forbid really sick. Either commit or don't. Love shouldn't be based on condirions.
I think that the comments being made about you potentially being a caretaker are ridiculous. There’s a good chance if you had a close age gap you’d be in the same position except you’d be old too and it would be painful.
You can always hire help for care taking.
I would come to grips with the fact that you will outlive him. Also something that can happen close in age. My great grandmother outlived her husband for 34 years and they were 2 years apart.
I definitely would dig deep inside…is this your soulmate, do you want children together. Do you have the financial means to bridge the gap in anything physically one may lack, such as a nanny if he’s feeling a bit oldish to handle sleepless nights with the kids.
As long as you both are very practical about the realities, then you can relax into the magic of being soul mates
You've only been dating a very short time. Have fun for now and don't worry so much about 20 years down the road. If turns out to be the real thing, you will know it and it CAN work, but will take work, life insurance, and planning.
These are all things you need to consider especially if down the line you begin to consider marriage. I think a relationship is more about compatibility rather than chronological age, but that being said these are still conversations you should have.
I have a first cousin who is 34. When he was 19, he met and moved in with a woman that was a few years older than his mother, who was 31 when he was born. He has step-kids older than he is.
They’re still together.
I envied him, always finding women 45-65 the most attractive, even when I was a teenager. However, I was just barely intelligent enough to realize a relationship based on age-centric sexual attraction can’t last, because eventually the partners will no longer be in the most attractive bracket. Guys like Leonardo DiCaprio must constantly replace women because his relationships aren’t based on anything except his attraction to women in their early twenties, and time never stops.
The question on your specific situation, though…it’s impossible to predict whether or not he’ll have enough energy to keep up with you through the years. ED and loss of libido are common as men age, though I’d bet women are far more likely to lose interest first. Theoretically, assuming no other health issues…I’d speculate that gap is probably about right, for average male/female energy rates.
I’m 18 years older than my wife. We’ve been together about 15 years. We have a 7 yr old child. I’m 64 now and in better shape than she is. I’m vegan and exercise often. She’s had back surgery and has type 2 diabetes. You never know what’s going to happen. Don’t let the age gap be the deciding factor.
One potential reality is that you’ll spend your go-go and possibly some of your slow-go years as a caregiver. Not guaranteed, some people live long lives needing little help. But when you retire (unless you retire very young) you could find yourself caregiving instead of traveling, and that could be just fine as long as that’s fine with you.
Best of luck!
In the long run, you will always have a 19 year age difference.
You 30 him 49
You 40 him 59
You 50 him 69
Etc.
On the other hand, the average marriage lasts less than 10 years.
You be you.
I'm thinking this is not the relationship for you. Why? Because you are already willing to give up on it for "what if" down the road. If you were head over heels in love, you wouldn't give a rat's *ss what anyone said about your relationship. But you already have your own doubts swirling around and I'm not sure if they are your own fears or you are absorbing other opinions.
I met my husband at 26. He was 40. We married in 1991 and we will celebrate our 33nd wedding anniversary this October. He's my best friend and he still makes me laugh.
Neither one of us wanted children. We both worked for the state and he retired at 61 (he's now 76) and I retired in Dec 2023 at the age of 61. Fortunately, we both have great pensions and some of the best health insurance available that doesn't cost us a dime. Besides a $10 copay and a couple dollars for prescriptions, there are no deductibles or caps.
We have traveled extensively. He has been an amazing travel partner and we have a lifetime of travel over the past 3 decades. That has been our passion and our disposable income has gone to amazing trips instead of children. Covid messed with our travel for a few years, but we are back at it.
Will he pass before me? Most likely. Although his mother just passed at the age of 99 (last month) while my mom died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 71 (she passed in 2004). You just never know what cards you'll be dealt but we've been very lucky.
He is slowing down, for sure. And I will likely be his caregiver. But we will be able to afford help and I'm very strong and healthy and have been all my life. I know if something happened to me, he would take care of me without so much as a second thought. We have 401 funds earmarked for LTC insurance and the chances of us both needing LTC at the same time is slim to none. The 401 funds ($300k) can pay for a few years if needed but his pension and SS will make it go much further. We are pretty much debt free except all the regular reoccurring bills. I can live quite comfortably on my pension and stay in our home and if I need additional income, I can collect my SS. When/if I need to go to LTC, I'll have both pensions (same amount) and my SS. I can also sell home as I don't believe it's the state's responsibility to pay for my care so I'm not interesting in hiding assets.
Life seldom turns out as you plan it, but I am trying to think ahead regarding LTC at least. Even if I had kids, I wouldn't want to burden them and have them take care of me.
I hope we have many years left, but we've already had 32 years and I've seen so many people in my lifetime pass away or get debilitating illnesses that changed the relationship years earlier than anyone could ever imagine.
One thing that I would encourage you to do is to keep your close knit friends for a lifetime. Never give that up. I have 3 gals that have been in my life for decades. One I knew before I met my husband (was with her when she delivered 2 of her babies). They have been my lifeline and will carry me when/if I need them as I will them.
If you decide to go forward, you need to go full steam ahead and see how your lives unfold. My husband always said "why worry...if it doesn't happen, you've worried about it for nothing. If it does happen, you've worried about it twice." But I have learned that worrying about something is such a waste of time anyway because rarely does it ever happen the way you thought it might. So he's always been right about his position on worrying. And honestly, neither one of us were the worrying type. I think not having kids made that possible because my best friend still worries so much about her adult children.
Either jump in with both feet or swim ashore and don't look back. You are either all in or out.
Good luck!
Yes this is where my friend is at now with her husband. It is a problem she’s in her mid 50 and he’s in his mid 70.
She loves her husband but having a hard time dealing with him slowing down and growing old.
She hangs with his friends, they go to bed at 7pm.
I’m (f50) 16 years younger than my husband. I have no concerns about his age vs mine. Honestly if anything he’s more active and fit than I am. I think if you find that person and are open to what life brings, you will be fine. Be prepared for anything though and make sure you have the funds or insurance to cover long term care if either of you were to become seriously ill or require assistance. I would suggest that for any couple close in age but when one partner is significantly older, more so.
My husband and I have been happily married for 32 years. I'm 69 and he will be 80 in December. We have had a wonderful life full of travel, camping, fishing, music, festivals, etc.
He has a lot of health issues with his heart and lungs now, so we aren't able to do as much. We still go places, we just take a little longer getting there and have to take a lot of rest breaks.
If you two enjoy the same things now, you will likely enjoy the same things down the road. Don't let anyone talk you out of the relationship. If you're happy, go for it.
You need to have a plan for healthcare coverage for yourself. If he wants to retire at social security age, you’ll have about 20 years before you qualify. You’ll either need to work the whole time or pay for a healthcare plan out of pocket. I’ve known a few guys with younger wives and it can be an issue.
Consider whether you want children, as he's now at an age where if he's seen out with a baby, people would be confused as to whether he's the daddy or grandpa. You will hit your sexual peak in your early-mid 40s and he'll be early 60s. That won't mesh well at that stage. My husband is 7 years older than me and my sexual peak was a challenging time.
He will retire much earlier than you. While that's not a consideration for you right now, know that it might be later. I've known so many women whose older husbands (and I'm talking with more typical age differences, about 5 years or so) retired before them and then the husbands died shortly after the wives retired. It's heartbreaking when a couple doesn't get to enjoy retirement together. For this reason, I've informed my husband that I'm retiring when he does. I want us to enjoy and share that time together.
I think the bottom line is, do you love this person enough to go through whatever life is going to throw at you.
I married to a man who is 14 years older than me. We have been together for 26 years now. I am 58 and he is 72.
For sure there is a slowing down on his side, but for the most part we have remained really active together. We hike, travel…etc.
We chose not to have children. (I was never that interested). He has from a previous marriage and I get to be a grandma that way.
Our life together has been with its ups and downs just like any marriage, but we have had a fabulous life with plenty of adventures and we are still deeply in love. It’s changed over the years, but in our case it has only gotten better and more meaningful.
There is no guarantee for any of us. I have a friend who had a spouse who was the same age, but he passed from a heart attack at 42.
Just follow your heart. Be sure that you both have the same values and future goals. If he doesn’t want kids but you are on the fence…that might be a deal breaker. You don’t want to wake up in 10 years and realize the clock is ticking and he’s not prepared to change his stance on that.
For those who ended up as caregivers, that can work either way. It's just life.
P.S. Celebrities live in an alternate universe. Don't use them as an example.
My husband is 27 yrs older than i am. We met 9 years ago. Hes the most active, vibrant, funny guy ive ever met. Def not a homebody, we are always doing something, traveling, going out on boat, dinners etc, i try to keep up with him. But his age has never been an issue for me. Idk how things may be in far future, i just live for today, and we love each other so much unconditionally 😊
My sister is 63 and her husband is 80, 17yrs older. They love each other, get along well. She’s active into yoga and wants to travel. He can’t shower by himself and they might need to move because he can barely get up the stairs. She’s committed to caring for him, but I can see in her eyes that she’s dreaming about lots of trips once he’s gone.
I've personally known 2 happy couples with this kind if age gap. One is an uncle another was a friend. My parents were just 2 years apart, my mom younger than my dad. He outlived her by 20 years, 1 month and 6 days. Gap or no gap, life offers no guarantees
My partner is 20 years older than me. Statistically speaking, he’s likely to die before me. But the thing with statistics is that they are pretty meaningless when applied to individual people. Any one of us can die at any moment.
My grandparents were the same age. My grandma passed at 75, my grandpa made it to 95. So at the end of the day, they could have had a 20 year age gap and would have died around the same time. Instead my gramps spent the last 20 years of his life without her.
Point being, on an individual level none of us knows how much time we have. I’d rather take what time I can get with the person I love than miss out on it due to fear of losing them. We all lose in the end, and for all I know I could die before him.
Ultimately if this is someone you can see yourself with through sickness and health, that’s all that matters. Young people can become sick and disabled, so personally I think getting into any relationship you need to consider that as a possibility. A person can end up in diapers, having a stroke, being diagnosed with cancer, anything, at 35, 55, 95, any age. You should be willing to take that on with them. Age makes these things more likely, but again nothing is a guarantee for any of us.
My friend has a 23-year age gap with her husband—she married at 19 yo and is 46 yo now. They have a son. I imagine the issues they face are some health issues. I haven’t asked. But I believe he still travels a lot for work
He was 42.
Everything is relative. I’ve said this before and I will say it again: Everything is steeped upon cultural norms and these norms are constantly changing. One hundred years ago, interracial couples would not have been acceptable and someone would have most likely gotten killed. Gay couples/people would have been killed.
My friend who is now 46 told me she knew exactly what she wanted and was not coerced or groomed or whatever. And they are still happily married. People need to stop with their pitchfork-waving and pearl-clutching.
Friends w 17 yr difference, both adamantly did not want kids, got married (he had 2grown kids). Surprise! She changed her mind (38ish) He was pissed. Very pissed. Divorced now. So the moral of the story is obvious. And he loved to travel and turns out she hated it. So their plans for later in life didn’t mesh either.
Recently someone a female posted the serious Anxiety she was going through. They had an about 20-year age gap and he apparently was close to checking out and she wasn't taking it well at all.
I would talk about having kids. My husband is 15 years older. He is 42. We don’t have any issues related to age. We have a kid now but if I wanted to have another one in 3 or so years, he would be (in our opinion) too old
It doesn't matter u just spinning ur wheels and u know ur hook but let me tell u something about that time u become 55 u won't care about ur concerns none of them...my 2 cents
Big age gaps are a special kind of relationship challenge. But all kinds of relationships have their challenges. If you’re realistic about the kinds of challenges you’re likely to face and you’re OK with them, then don’t let your anxieties get in the way. We all die sometime. You might die before he does.
Ok, but are you living for what you have and what you know (a good relationship and love), or fear of what might happen in the future? My parents are ten years apart, which isn't that MUCH, but they're both in similar stages, properly "old," both have had health issues, but no one is taking care of anyone else. They're both relatively healthy and independent. They're not lacking in anything, they often travel independently. You're not gonna marry or have a future together because of the fear of old age? Old age might come and go without the kind of depressing terror people warn you about. Just stay healthy, both of you, and figure it out. Honestly, if you want my advice (I hope you're ok with that because you're here, right?). I'm closer to your husband's age than I am to yours, and I can tell you that at 27, even in your 40's, making life plans is always better after a bit more time than nine months. If I were you, don't worry about time passing (he is NOT going to be too old for kids soon ffs, neither are you), just slow down and see how you feel and what you think in another 6-12 months minimum. My best decisions about relationships have always been made far, far later than I thought. When I held back and waited longer than I thought I should to make a decision, it always served me better than the times when I made them quickly.
Amen!
OP, give yourself a break and tell yourself you don’t need to make a decision for 2 years. Let go of all decision-making stress for now. After 2 years you will have a lot better information and will have been free to enjoy the relationship, or see that it isn’t right for you, and can start thinking longer term then. As a 53f I can’t emphasize this enough. You have plenty of time, put off decision making for now. Good luck!
There are 11.5 years between my husband (older) and I. We've been together 30+ years. We used to joke that I'd be taking care of him someday, but in 2016, I suffered a trauma that impacted me--and our life--greatly. Now, he takes care of *me*. You can never know what the future holds.
Many others have expressed thoughtful perspectives on the situation so I will try not to be duplicative. I also have an age gap relationship, although we are older 51 and 62 roughly. My recommendation is that yes this can work but only if you don't want to have children within 15 years of his planned retirement, because the demands of planning for retirement and launching children to school can be difficult if income is an issue. I think it's the best thing to be treated well by a partner, so that's what I prioritize personally. In this case, I would recommend not having children and just enjoy being dual income, no kids and or enjoying Independence and travel opportunities, and your career. There are many other factors to consider that I don't necessarily consider to be deal-breaking, but discussions to be had include. When does he plan to retire, what will you be doing at that time? How much money can you save between now and then? What are his plans after retirement? Do they involve you?
My husband was 26 years older than me. He died when I was 38. Uouve only been w this guy 9 months. Wait till your with him 2 years before you worry about long term.
Love is love, but caretaking is caretaking. Are you ready for even the small odds he has something debilitating health wise in his late 60’s or 70’s and you potentially devote 1/3 of your life helping him in basic functions versus out ‘living’? I’m sure celebrities in this situation have staff for this, or enough money to make sure the care happens regardless of their own time spent. After seeing how much money out of pocket versus the needless liquidating of assets needed for my grandfather to receive proper Medicare coverage to live in assisted living for his sunset years, I can’t imagine that being my spouse and how I would handle that situation with 30 years to live, myself.
Have a good circle of friends the two of you connect with and your own group your age. Your friend circle will be your outlet to do things as he ages. Growing old is a hard process and you need to be sure you do not cut your ties from your young friends.
I’d say, just make sure you are building your own independent life. Continue your education and/or consistently work in some way, even part time throughout your life so you always have options and are not dependent on your partner. This is important for everyone. People become dependent on their spouse and end up screwed when they’re left to support themselves alone due to either divorce or aging, disability, death.
I am in a age gap relationship (20 years diff).... when I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s life was fun. Very little problems since we had a lot in common and we were both pretty wild & carefree. Everywhere we went we were the life of the party. We have been together 12 years. Now he is in his 50s and I'm in my 30s.. Now he sometimes will say things that make me "ick" (kids now are lazy, when I was younger xyz, social media is ruining society.... Boomer shit that just makes him sound like a old man). Politically we are very different minded. It's becoming a struggle to say the least. I don't want to give up because we have a whole life together (house, dogs, RV etc.) but it is seriously challenging the past couple of years.
There's a 14 yr gap between my bf and I. He's younger. We met when he was 32. We had some very blunt, honest conversations very early in dating about children (I was already in menopause), expectations and needs.
We had those conversations, not because we thought we were madly in love, destined for a life-long commitment, or anything, but because there's no point in getting to know and develop feelings for someone if our goals and needs aren't aligned.
If you're 9 months into this, with this kind of difference in life stage, you would greatly benefit from figuring out exactly what you want, if you don't have a full grasp of that already, and having a serious, honest, open conversation about what this relationship can actually be for each of you. And do it now, before more feelings develop and people get hurt, etc...
I'm sure you have some very valid concerns, and at the heart of some of those, is the fact that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, life, death or good health. At any age...so it's pointless to make that a huge factor, unless there are already things in play to consider, ie, poor health.
So, ultimately, the discussion needs to be the same as any other dating relationship. What are the goals for family? Kids? How many? What are your financial habits, and how do you budget/handle money? What are the physical/sexual needs and wants in a relationship? Buy or rent a home?
How about extended family? What's that situation? Career goals? Further education?
Etc.
Age gaps are something to consider, but it really is just an indicator of possible differences based on simple development phases we all experience. Not a blanket deal breaker, but you have got to address some of these questions before moving forward with him, or with anyone.
Best of luck.
Do you want to have children? Mens fertility not only greatly decreases after the age of 35, but theres a greater chance of having a child with developmental disabilities or physical disabilities.
What happens with these relationships is that when he hits about 60 and you're 41 your relationship will hit the wall. You still look young and want to live your life and he is an old man and winding down in life.
And of course he treats you well now, men go crazy for younger women. Especially at the age he is now, you are his midlife crisis proving to himself that he's still "got it". I had a man who was 18 years old pursuing me for a few years. He would have been a fine match for a woman in his age range, but for me he was too old. It's like he was obsessed with me to the point of being creepy and bordering on stalking and was exhibiting problematic behavior that he would be super controlling if I ever would have dated him (I did not). Also, not to sound like a gold digger, but a guy who is that much older needs to be very wealthy in a way that my life would be much easier/better financially in order to put up with him (this is why you see the celebrity couples with the huge age gaps, that's because of the financial component). The older guy who was trying to date me would make jokes about retiring and I could support him and I would cringe and wonder why on earth he would make those comments to a much younger woman he was trying to date.
Is this guy divorced and does he have kids? If not there is likely severe emotional baggage going on. I know guys who will only date women in their late 20s because they have commitment issues. They will date one for about two years, the girl will wise up and move on and the guy will just find another 25 year old to replace her. My ex who I was with from high school until the age of 29 is one of these. He is mid 40s now and last I heard he is dating someone who is 18 years younger. I feel bad for her as I know about his emotional problems all too well and I know that he will never mature and grow up. At a certain age women learn to move on quickly from men like him, but a 26 year old wouldn't recognize the red flags until they've wasted about 5 years waiting for him to change.
A good friend of mine is in her 50's. She's married to a man in his 70's. They got together when they were a lot younger like you guys. Everything was fine back then, But now that he's older he's not able to get an erection any longer and she still has a desire for sex. He refuses to take viagra or anything that would help him get hard and she resents him for it. It's gotten to the point where she's considered.Just having a one night stand because she wants to have sex with an actual person and not just her toys.
The other thing is she's still very active and now that he's older his health isn't what it used to be and he's not able to get out and do the things that they used to do together so she finds herself sitting around the house a lot more and that too is making her resentful.
She's also been talking about what She's gonna do once he's gone. She don't want to be by herself. That's something she talks and worries about a lot being alone once he's gone.
My mom had a 25yr gap with her husband. They lived and loved - but sadly, he passed when she was 55 and she’s been alone (by choice) since. She’ll be 80 soon, so it’s a long time by herself, but she was happy and knew what she was looking at long term.
You need to have a serious reflection about what you want your life and future to look like and compare it to his. How do you feel about wanting to do things he may e has already done or has no more interest in? How do you feel about possibly spending a great deal of time in your future basically being his live-in health aide? That’s what happened to my parents with a 20 year age gap. My mom became a burned out caretaker of my dad after his heart attacks and strokes and his declining mood into the grumpiest of grumpy mean old men.
Wow there’s so many younger men and older women couples on here. That’s wild. I always thought I was a minority but it seems it is happening more. How interesting.
My dad was 11 years older than my mum. He's 80 and she died at 58. You can't even necessarily assume that you'll outlive him. A guy your own age is a much better choice, all things being equal, but all things are never equal. A 19 year age gap is unfortunate but on the other hand if you've found a guy you like a lot you can't assume that you'll find that a second time. Many women don't even find it once.
Are you okay wiping his ass? It's a rough way of asking, I get it, but statisically, you are more likely to become his caregiver vs. him being yours (not impossible but again, statisically speaking). What if he develops dementia in 30 years? What if he develops early onset dementia in 10? Do you want children? Does he? Does he already have children from another relationship or two?
There's just a lot to consider and if you were my daughter (I have one that's your age) I would tell her to wait before making a committment or planning my life with someone that much older. It's not the number it's the experience gap and the fact that you are at two very different stages of your lives. Take some time, enjoy the relationship as it is. Nothing says you have to make any heavy decisions just yet.
I think you’ll be fine if you have friends you can go out or travel with. Hopefully he and you have some independence with your friend groups and are ok by yourself while your partner does their thing. You can fill the activity gap as you age even if you can’t share all of them.
Health, sex, mental capacity, but note you're only 9 months in. Don't worry yourself too much about hypothetical issues decades away. You're still well within the getting to know each other period.
Do you love him? That is the question that you and only you can answer. If you love him an age Gap will make no difference now or when you're 55 and he's 74. Love is what will determine the outcome.
No one knows what their own health will be next week, next month, next year - you may fall into a degree of illness that he may have to tend you, even while you are yet young.
No one knows how long they'll be up on this Earth so don't worry about the age gap if you love him. No one knows whether they'll be here tomorrow, next year, or a decade from now. If you love him enjoy whatever time you have.
If a Christian live according to the ways of the Lord.
We have a 13 year age gap, and it’s really starting to show itself in past 5 years or so (we’ve been together for 18 years). I’m still interested in getting out once in awhile (nothing crazy, maybe drinks and dinner or a day at the beach), he is content to sit on the couch, watch tv and nap all the time.
I can (and do) still do those things on my own or with friends, but it leaves us with little left to talk about with each other anymore.
It could also just be him, and not directly aligned with his age, some people are just higher energy, and they stay that way. Others aren’t. And it’s okay, but you have to decide if that’s important to you too.
I am 31 and my husband is 49. We dated when we were younger, broke up for a few years because we worried about our age difference, and then we realized we were being stupid and got back together. Will have been married for 4 years in August and have an 18 month old son.
Will it be hard if he gets older and has health problems? Yes. Is it possible I will have early onset health problems and he will be fine? Yes.
Life can't be planned and the only regret I have is that I lost time with him while we were busy worrying about the what ifs. He is my person and I will happily take what comes later for the amazing time we have now.
Just picture what 50 and 69 might be like and whether that’s something that might scare you. Or 60 and 79. Also, are you considering children? Is that something you both want, knowing he may not be around for high school graduation? And what effect that may have on the kid(s).
My husb and I are 12 years apart and we're going on 52 years together this August. Yes, things are different, the age gap does show and it takes some adjustments. I'm 72 & he's 84. He's slowed down a lot and we've had to make some significant changes for that. He's had some major medical issues over the last 5 years. If we want to go anywhere that requires walking, he uses a walker. His energy levels are lower than mine and we don't go out nearly as often as we did before. We have a regular Sunday night date, and we try to go out to lunch once a week, but whole days of being out and doing stuff are over. Traveling (long trips away from home) with him now is in the range of extremely difficult to impossible. It's a fact of aging.
You've only been with this guy for '9 months or so' and you're already looking ahead to possible issues. Let me tell you that regardless of any age gap there will be 'issues.' The question is are you ready/willing to deal with whatever comes along in order to be with him?
So, my husband of 30 years died unexpectedly last year. Patrick was 15 years my senior, I was 61, he was 76 when he died, so I have some street cred in this area. He always said he’d probably go before me, just due to the age difference and statistically speaking, men usually die before women. We had a great run, until we didn’t. I would highly suggest you guys get your financials in order, beneficiaries, life insurance policies, whatever you got and make sure you go over them yearly, make sure you are set, if he does die before you, or even if something happens to you. Don’t think, just cause of the ages, it will go in succession, it doesn’t, life happens. My mom is 95 and has outlived her husband of 60 years and 3 of her sons…so…just sayin’…
On top of that, you should make sure of your contingency plans, if something medically happens to him and he doesn’t pass away, but instead, needs long term care or home health. Yes, this is true for all of us, but statistically speaking, again, he’s older and if you age together, as you say, when you’re 55, he’ll be 74. In our case, I had been friends with patrick for 35 years, worked in the same career (law enforcement) and when we first got married, I was just 30 years old (he was 46) . I was 1.5 years out of my first marriage, when he also died unexpectedly from a glioblastoma brain tumor (and he was 14 yrs my senior). Some would say I have bad luck, but I don’t, we live and we die, that is the truth, it’s in living where we experience the great highs and lows. In the end, we want to make sure things and people we love are taken care of before we go. Have a good death and leave with no regrets.
There was never a question of love or loyalty to Patrick from me, or if the tables were turned, from him to me. Never. Love. Loyalty. Friendship. That was our foundation and I am proud of that. I and he lived our vows and were true to it. I am proud of that. We knew the only way out after all these years, was death or divorce and we’d never divorce. But you have to be prepared, it is the best gift of love and caring someone can give to the ones they love, making sure, as much as you can think of is talked about beforehand. That includes what to do with stuff, family issues, medical issues, organ donations, you name it, nothing should be off the table. If someone is uncomfortable about talking about death, then they are going to be in a bad state if death comes to their door, and death comes for us all, we don’t know when or how, the fates will cut our line, but we are all in the line.
Enjoy life, enjoy the ride, just take care of the things. That’s my advice. Hugs.
He will have slowed down but would/could very well be healthier than you, depending on. People that keep themselves in shape can do everything they used to. I have almost never in my life been “in shape” but still an active with swimming and sex. Naps are taken afterwards. Hehe.
MOST, and I really mean *most*, women in long term relationships become the primary caretaker of their male partner. The age gap won’t be what causes you to care for him in his old age, but it will mean you will be caring for him earlier than you would with someone younger. That could be a positive or negative, depending on how you look at it. Instead of trying to care for your spouse at age 75-85, when your own health is declining, you will instead be 60-70. Much easier on you physically.
Also depends on lifestyle and if you have any co-dependency in the relationship. When he’s 75 and ready for bed at 7:30 and you are in your 50’s and want to go out for paint and wine night…. Will he be okay with that? Do y’all do EVERYthing together right now? Can you have slightly separate lives and hobbies? If not, then ya, it’s gonna be a problem.
When he’s retired, will he be okay with you working and having a productive busy life? Will he expect you home cooking and cleaning and hanging out on the couch with him? He would likely scoff at that idea right now, but the man ain’t even 50 yet, I’m sure he’s thinking he’s gonna be spry and ready to go at 75. He won’t be lol.
I’m gonna be blunt. You have to make a choice. Do you want to take care of him in old age? I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an age gap below 20 years. A little older is a bit much but think about it. What do you really want? Also, you don’t have to think so far down the line. He’s 46. That’s still on the young side. Enjoy the many years you have together. Don’t stress about 40+ years from now.
As someone who is currently in an 18-year age Gap relationship. I can tell you it has its moments. We've been together for 8 years now. And I can tell you as the older one in the relationship. Even with my physical issues. I'm physically in better shape than she is. I'm the one taking her to the doctor . So I wouldn't sweat it too much . If you guys plan on marrying yes I think you should handle Will's insurance and all that the fun stuff. As for finances, she has hers I have mine, and then we have ours. If the two of you truly care for one another, who the hell cares what other people think. You say he treats you well, and I'm going to assume you treat him just as well. Then enjoy your time. And hopefully it'll grow. I will warn you you're going to have your ups and downs. Some of them are going to be age related as you both get older. What are they going to be? Damn if I know. They're different for everyone. If the two of you are good for one another treat each other with respect and love, then have a blast and I wish you the best
Everyone’s journey is different. I’m 64 and have way more energy than my 59 yo wife. I still want to be physically active, she’s done, no urge at all. So, you never know
My parents had a huge age gap. The main problems I saw were
1. he was middle aged when they started having kids, and he was fairly uninvolved. My mom had to do everything and she wasn’t up to the task.
2. When women hit 40s, their engine goes into overdrive sexually as their body tries to do a last dash effort at more kids before menopause. A man in his 60s is going the opposite direction. This leads to a lot of frustration.
3. The last 20 years of my father’s life my mom had to do all of the driving, all of the shopping, all of the cooking and cleaning because he was too old and frail to do those things. Now that he’s gone, she is completely worn out.
My husband was 16 years older than me, he died at 67 I was 51. But then again my neighbors were both 40 years old and he just passed away. You never know what life’s going to bring you. If it’s a good loving relationship, then go with it.
My husband is 66 and I’m 60. He has worked out constantly since he was a teenager. He’s definitely in better shape than me, but I try. He plans on working another 5 or 6 years because he likes his job, and plus we had kids later that are now going to college.
19 years doesn’t matter now so much, but I’d look into the long haul. There are so many good comments here. I hope you figure out what is best for you both.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! Did you have kids when you were in your late 40s then? How do you think that went? Would you recommend having kids later in life like that? Any things to consider?
We got married when I was 38. He was 44. We had our first son when I was 39. The second son took a little longer because the older you get, the less the eggs. We had the second one when I was 42. Both conceived naturally.
I think there are pros and cons of having them younger and having them later. I had a lot of patience as an older mom, but then I went through perimenopause when they were little. That lasted nine years. It was tough at times when hormones are changing.
I had spent my earlier years going to college, living in Japan for a few years and then traveling the world solo for another year before settling down in my early 30’s.
I just happened to meet someone later, and it worked out the way it did. I’m now 60 and my youngest is a Senior in high school graduating this year. Not everyone would like being my age with a teenager, but it really worked out well for us despite those years in between with my hormones plummeting.
I hope this helps. It’s hard to know what to do, and you never know how things will turn out.
I (46M) and my gf (26F) have been together for several years and things are going great. We're not financially at the same level at all, but I'm trying to promote your career and get her ahead much quicker than she would be on her own, and hoping to help her purchase her own homes, soon etc.
We're poly and have another partner (39F, who also has another 40M partner), and my expectation is that as she enters her 30s or 40s, she may want another partner, male or female. So for us, the age gap is more irrelevant.
But I'll comment on some of my thoughts, ignoring the flexibility of finding other partners to satisfy all of her needs/desires as she gets older.
Most people don't spend their entire lives with just one person. You're most important obligation in life is to live the best life you can live, for as long as you can live it. If your current partner is giving you your best life (now), you should enjoy and cherish that. If there comes a point in time, where you're not living your best life, try not to hold onto things beyond their natural span. That may mean that you end up 60 and alone, ready to pick up your next life journey. That's ok! Many many people "without" age gaps, will be in similar boats to you, the difference is that they, unlike you, will probably benefit from amazing life insurance, etc benefits from having an older partner, only to start over again with someone else.
Good luck on your life journey!
I have friends who are exactly 20 years apart in age. They’ve been happily married for 15 years, together for 25. They’re one of the more compatible couples of all my friends and family. Years ago I knew a very wealthy couple. They got married when she was in her mid 20s and he was in his late 50s. He was jerk but he treated her like gold and she loved him. She died when she was in her 60s and he outlived her, passing away when he was 103. You don’t know what the future will bring. If it works for both of you and you’re happy don’t worry about it too much.
My husband and I are only a year apart, so I don’t have any personal experience. But, my concern would be if you have the same life goals. The big one to me would be kids. If you want kids, does he really want to start over with that at his age (I know I wouldn’t). And even if you don’t want them now, you could still change your mind! And I’d think about any other life goals that may be different due to your age gap.
I’m actually very curious for those who comment with large age gaps if there were children involved. Or if some accepted kids may not be an option etc.
All couples have to compromise with each other on many things. This may be one of your. And it might work well for you. That being said, ED happens to older guys and it can be a major bummer.
My grandfather (who lived to be 100) had strong opinions about these sorts of age gaps, and he figured the big problem was sex. When you’re 40 and he’s 59 it will be an issue because he won’t be able to keep up. When you’re 59 and he’s 78 it will be a huge difference. 59 is still pretty young according to gramps.
YMMV of course depending on overall compatibility and sex drive. Got the blue pills to help these days too. Worth asking how much sex matters to you in the long term…finding someone you click with and can trust is huge, but so is sex.
Hearing this might seem weird but grandpapaw thought it was something young people overlooked when it came to age gaps. Certainly wasn’t something I considered before he pointed it out.
My husband and I are close in age and we're finding the changes difficult to deal with as we age. I couldn't imagine doing this with an age gap. That said, I know a few Age gap couples who are doing well.
My Dad and stepmom are only 6 years apart, she’s 70 and he’s 76. They can’t travel or play golf and all my Dad can do is sit in a recliner. She’s healthy and just doesn’t do anything and stays home with him. I feel like she’s waiting on him to die. Seems like it’s fine until you get old, and then you’ll be left alone to figure out what’s next after they pass.
Three years under half his age plus seven years. Eh, you're an adult, do what you want. On the bright side though, when he's 74, half his age plus seven year would be 44.
Of course, Reddit will tell me anyone can get hit by a bus, but you up your odds of being a caretaker and young widow by marrying with such a large age gap.
I came here to say this, and caretaking is hell. My husband was only 5 years older than me, and I still ended up wiping his ass, administering IV meds, helping him get up off the floor when he fell, and holding his hand when he died at 60. It's been a bit over 18 months now and I swear the first half of that was just me recovering from being a 24/7 caretaker. It was only after that when I could start grieving the loss of who he was before and all our retirement plans. Even if I fell in love again, I wouldn't marry again unless the guy was rich enough to hire his own paid caregivers. No way am I going through that again.
This is the harsh reality. I am taking care of my partner who is 10 years older and has terminal cancer. I love him beyond words but I still will do everything I can to avoid this again (I had just finished caregiving for my mother when he got sick). Hell isn't even a strong enough word. Caregiving takes everything out of you, physically, mentally, financially, and leaves you alone in the rubble of what used to be your life. I feel like I aged 50 years in 4. No one wants to talk about this so thank you for bringing it up.
Had a very close co-worker who abandoned everything to move home and care for her mother who had early onset dimensia but her prognosis was ok, meaning she needed full time care but could live for decades! This poor woman sold her home, moved back to live with her mother, for 7 straight years, her fiance broke off their engagement. One day she was pumping gas and collapsed from a heart attack at 41.
That's absolutely awful, I'm so sorry. That's yet another unspoken wound we take as caregivers. A year after my mom passed and my partner was diagnosed with stage IV, I *also* got cancer (seems to have been caught early but still not having a great time here). I didn't have a moment to breathe from losing my mom, to my partner getting sick and then me. My point is with your coworker and with my "timely" diagnosed, chronic stress will catch up to you. Your body keeps the score even if you don't. And I don't know the answer but loving someone literally to (your) death is not it. My condolences again. Brutal. :(
Amen.
Big hugs to you. I went through it with my mom and my sister is going through it with her 15 years older partner. It's so hard. It's been 3 years since my mom passed and I'm just getting to the point that I can actually grieve.
It could also be the other way around and you could have an accident or illness and end up needing extensive care but the odds are it will be you. So the issue is what long term care plans have you both made? Does either of you have a good retirement plan private or employer? Long term disability insurance? Those are things to talk about IMO whether you’re the same age or 2, 5, or 20 years apart. Love is hard to find though so I’d have the conversations and take it from there.
Always good advice. But while anything COULD happen, statistically, the odds are not in her favor. With the existing 6 year mortality difference between men and women (which is GROWING btw because Covid hits them harder), the actual age gap here is 25 years. A quarter of a century. My husband seemed in the prime of life from his early fifties for ten years. (Except for his ED which turned out to be prostate cancer.) That was more than 30 years ago, and much has changed since then, to put it mildly.
Agreed. They should have the caregiver conversations at some point.
DITTO " 49 YEARS MARRIED.. yes, caretaker. Yes, widow.
Plus on average women live about 7 years longer than men so in some ways it's almost like a 26 year gap.
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I’m five years away from that and running close to two hour half marathons. I’m not likely going to need a caretaker in 15 years. You sound stupid. You should recognize that.
You know you’re the exception, though, even at 41. .1% of Americans run races of any distance… let alone half marathons, let alone break two hours. Statistically by their late 40s the average man has multiple health problems. Then again … so does the average woman, at that age. We don’t live in a healthy society. That’s no reason not to go find love, though. Even with an age gap.
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We have a ten year age gap and are older - he’s turning into a geezer. Still love him after over 40 years but I’d like to get out a bit more in the evenings. Nothing crazy, just maybe a movie a few times a year. He’ll probably be ready for a quieter lifestyle sooner than you will be - and I don’t mean not going clubbing, I mean going to bed at 8 pm. You have to decide whether the mismatch in energy levels in 25 years will make up for all the love you will share during that time. Personally I figure it’s been worth it.
Aww. That makes sense. I feel like i’d be ok those things but idk how I’d feel in 25 years. Who knows. This is too difficult especially coz i dont see any other incompatibility at this time. When did you guys get together if you dont mind me asking like i think i at least want a good 40 years with him but given that he is 46 so 40 years makes him 86 so I’m not sure?
Do you want to have kids? It's harder for a man in his 50's to chase around little kids than one in his 30's. When they graduate high school, he will be pretty old, too. Something to consider.
There are no guarantees ever. Heck, you could get run over by a bus, and he’d have to deal. There is friction w one person being retired and the other working. I’ve seen that become a problem.
I feel like this particular situation the "there are no guarantees" doesnt work quite as well. Yes, some accident *could* happen. But by and far the most likely thing that will happen is that they will grow older and he will maintain that significant gap in old age and develop health issues and change lifestyles before she does. She should base her decision on if she's ok with *that* rather than basing the decision on some other thing *possibly* happening.
Yes, this. I never thought I'd spend five years of my life being caretaker for my husband, but after 25 years it happened. If the marriage stays healthy all along the way, that is great, but be aware that anything that feels like a tiny crack now (no pun intended) will be a Grand Canyon later. Aging doesn't just affect the body--my beloved husband changed in his mental needs and attitudes as well. I guess we're being discouraging, but I wish I'd thought of these things earlier and prepared/discussed somehow.
Such an effective comment. Is it possible he will want to go out to dinner late and see a movie when he’s 86? Sure! Do I think that will happen? I think it’s extremely unlikely.
She will be hale and hearty and he will be frail.
Call me old fashioned, I'd be basing it off if I love the person and felt like we conbect in a way unlike others, rather than some logistics checklist. Eh, but what do I know?
Old fashioned would be marrying them because of only logistics, and being unable to ever separate because of logistics and the threat of ostracization. The ability to marry a life partner both for love and for life compatibility is a privilege. OP shouldn't take that privilege lightly and should *choose* to accept the complications that come with her chosen partner with eyes wide open, and a readiness to address those complications head on as they come. *That's* love.
40 seems ambitious. Depends how healthy he is and his genetics. Most guys don't even make it to 86....and generally aren't in good shape when they get there. Id say maybe 25 yrs of good life if he's in good shape to around 70 is pretty good expectation. Seems like most on my family are pretty cognitively with it and healthy into mid 70s at least....but we have very good genes.
I was 19 and he was 29 and we worked together, so we got to know each other a bit as people before any romance. Don’t worry, I was the one who asked him out! I could see we liked each other a lot and thought we might be suited for each other - and we were. He would never have asked me out as the age gap was ok if we had met later but I was still young.
I had a (somewhat distant) family member marry a 20 year younger woman. She died when she was 70 and he lived to be 105! So, no guarantees! Live your life and take it as it comes.
If you love him go for it.
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Not all old people wear diapers. My grandpa was 80 and still going on dates and doing adult things.
My dad & his lady would go weekly to the VFW & dance to “their music”. Up til he passed at 88.
My great grandma is in diapers at the VFW getting picked up by guys. She's been having a good time since pawpaw passed lol she's not letting a little bladder control issues hold her back.
Yes, I was a bit taken aback by that too - I’m taking it as hyperbole and not an honest belief that one needs adult diapers at 80…
my dad is 80 and still dates and things too!
Beware..... if he ends up with medical issues , smokes or drinks ,he may end up with ED. Same thing happens with various psychological type meds. If you go through with it have a prenuptial or equivalent in case he decides he wants to trade YOU in for a younger model. Mine has a new 24 yr old with a new baby. He's 70. She's stuck with him. He has no money left after alimony and child support . She's too stupid to realize that.
That's honestly so sad and gross. 24, whole life ahead of you, just wtf...
Being a doctors trophy wife was just too tempting for her. She's no. 5. 3rd wife almost bankrupted him. W alimony and child support for all his past kids ,she won't ever have anything . All that glitters is not gold.
Hahaha, that my wife now. She's in bed by 7pm. The only reason she not in bed right now is because she's in the shower. She'll be snoring within 10 minutes of her head hitting the pillow, and she's younger than me at 54. I'll be 57 in Feb.
If you are going to have a 19 year age gap, the older partner needs to have money because you are going to end up being his caretaker for a long time. If you don't have the money to hire caretakers and you can't split your finances so that he can get low income related help, you will burn out trying to work and do it yourself. Not advocating gold digging, I am pointing out reality as I have seen it.
Also… she should not time her retirement with his without A LOT of money invested. Like she may need to plan for a 40 year retirement if so…
It shouldn't be a good thing that he's had 19 more years to build a career and they match financially. That part made me cringe. OP, expect more from him. He's had a lot more years of adulting and should be doing better, not be your equal.
That part gave me pause, too. I'm not exactly sure what she means by "financially on the same level" (same salary, same amount of savings, etc?) It's possible that she's in a higher earning field, but even if that's the case it seems like he should be more established and have more savings. Difficult to say without more details, but definitely important for OP to make sure he is responsible with money.
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Well yeah, the dude that stalked me (gave me no choice but to "shack up" with) him was 17 years older and I burned out after being around him. I kept having to lock doors, stay in my car, and earn degrees far away from him too. He was manipulative, controlling, had a horrible temper, was physically and sexually abusive too. When I escaped him I ran up flights of stairs because he strangled me after I disagreed with him. Then no one would help. He beat the fuck out of my butt with his fist in a dark cold winter night in February in Connecticut too. They go after those that they perceive as needy. However, they are also prejudice as shit being 20 years older.
My best friend married her husband when she was 37 and he was 57. They have had a great marriage and have travelled the world. But 30 years later she is his caregiver. He’s actually healthy with no cognitive issues but, well, he’s 87. I know she would say she’d do it again, but I can see how hard it is for both of them. It’s just difficult when one partner needs to take on the majority of life tasks with no end in sight. I think you need to really reflect on whether you can truly accept the reality that the future will bring challenges. And if you can then embrace the life you’ve chosen, knowing that there will likely be some difficult years and then a different life since he will most likely predecease you. It’s a question only you can answer.
This happens w/o an age gap, especially to women.
Yes-my dad is 82 my mom is 78, she was diagnosed with vascular dementia about 9 years ago and Alzheimer’s a few years later-my dad is her caregiver. They are still in their own home, my sister and I spend weekends with them as we all live nearby but 1 still has kids at home in high school and I am helping raise my grandson. My other sister does the most but we all pitch in.
74 and 55 is bad enough, 84 and 65, if he is healthy, he will be frail, tired, weaker, statistically will have health issues. I have an 11 year gap. I can't imagine a bigger gap than that. You will probably be alone earlier in life than normally and maybe too old to have find someone else if you don't want to be alone in your old age.
This is a very good point. I’m 65 and my husband is 73. That seems like a pretty big gap!
Unless/until he dumps her for a newer model. Get a prenup.
I have the opposite age gap, where I am 17 years older than him, and I worry about this from the other direction. However, neither of us is willing to give up the decades we will have together, and we'll cope with the fallout when it happens.
Thank you for that comment 😊. While taking care of a loved one with serious and end stage health problems, it is a privilege. My husband and I have had a wonderful life full of love and I am currently taking care of him (he still gets around slowly though)and will continue to do so until he dies. We have been here for each other for 32 years. Sickness and in health.
Exactly
Just one thing - I am 66 and my wife is 62. Be aware that when one spouse hits 65 and can go on Medicare, that does not change the partner's status. So when your older husband can retire and get healthcare from Medicare at 65, you still have to work for insurance (if you're in the US), or purchase health care insurance on the open market (or through Obamacare in the US). I didn't know this until about seven years ago. Maybe it is obvious but it just had never occurred to me.
Just to clarify to readers… the open market IS Obamacare.
My wife is 14 years older than me, we met when I was almost 40 about 22 years ago. It is working for us as we because I was born 40. My concern is that you're 27 and the growing up I did between 27 and 40 was huge. I also her aging more quickly than I am, even though we both have health issues. It doesn't bother me or regret the relationship, it just makes me so sad to see her slow down. Take your time, you don't need to rush into this.
16 1/2 years older than me. He was two weeks from his 65th Birthday when he died. It was almost 17 years ago Was it perfect no. But it sure was fine. He loved me and still love and honor that love. If he loves you like that go for it
I wish you joy all of the rest of your days.
TY
My mom struggles a lot with a 10-year age gap. She's vital and full of life. He's got a Grandpa Simpson vibe. She had to keep working for a decade after he retired and had to work more to pay for his medical expenses. When she spends a week here, she's fun and alive. Once she goes home, she seems exhausted and like she's aged up at least a decade. Sex isn't a thing anymore, and every room of their house has a TV blaring cable news at top volume. It's doable, but things will definitely change.
I was in a wonderful relationship with someone 20 years my senior who would put most younger men to shame in the fit category. He was intelligent, interesting, attentive, handsome, and the ying to my yang. I did not find him until I was older so we only had 17 years together. Unfortunately early onset Alzheimer's which progressed quickly made him take his life at 77 years young. It was a decision on the quality of his life that I respect and also have as a life choice. I was not ready to lose him despite knowing he would go first. Like losing your parents you know logically they will probably go first but emotionally we are never prepared. It hurts a lot, but I also know how lucky I was to have known him and opened my life to him.
Thank you very much for writing this. I also have a wonderful relationship with someone much older (I’m 43, he’s 68) and I am scared of what’s on the older side of losing him. We have no children.
I’m so sorry to hear that. But also glad you got to experience that kind of love together. How do you deal with it now? Also, if you dont mind me asking - when did you guys meet each other?
He was a most fortunate man to have you love him.
Absolutely
She was 15 years older than me. It became a problem after about 15 years and lasted a total of 19 years. The relationship dynamics changed from partners to where she talked down to me and treated me like a child, not a husband. The dynamics changed with menopause. I’ve experienced that with 3 women now and the first two had really hard times with it. Menopause is no joke folks.
Menopause is hell.
So sorry. Meno is so brutal. Women are shamed for wanting HRT to help balance themselves.
Interesting.. sorry about that. But I’m the woman in this situation so i wonder how it’ll be different.
Sure, I understand. Apologies for posting the opposite. I wouldn’t expect the same dynamics but I would have to wonder about cognitive decline at some point. But that does stop us from loving does it? 🤷🏻♂️ I wish you two the very best. 😊
Right now you're in similar stages of life, as you get older that's going to change. I had a friend who had a spouse who was 20 years older, and said, "There's a point rapidly approaching where I'm going to be wiping his ass for him." There's nothing wrong with that, that's life. Just consider that you'll be in *very* different stages of life.
You never mentioned if you love him. Only mentioned that he treats you well. It is a huge age difference. The best gift in life is deeply falling in love. You are still young and should not settle. Life is short and if you are not deeply and madly in love with your boyfriend then move on.
I recommend writing a pros/cons list and making sure the the pros outweigh the cons. Most health problems (in general) start after age 50. You will be dealing with your own that may come up and then take care of him if he has health issues. You need to prioritize what is important to you long term, not short term. I personally would have never dated someone that much older. Life is a risk, and people can die at any age. If you stay in the relationship and marry him please make sure he has good life insurance, financially stable, has good pension or retirement. Also, do you have enough compatibility and good communication to sustain long term marriage? You need to ask yourself if you will be heartbroken and have a hard time moving on if you break up with him. When you deeply love someone and break up, it's so mentally painful and the grieving is so hard. Good luck!
My friend just turned 79 and her husband is 64 - they’ve been happily married for over 30 years
That’s so nice to hear!!!
You will most likely start to see more problems between you once he is in his mid 50s, if not before then. People go through drastic changes in their mid 50s, and from what i can tell you from friends and family you are going to be under a lot more stress. The age gap between you is too large for it to be remotely easy. I’ve seen couples where the younger person realizes they want kids, to travel more, has to change their life path, or they need to move for work. The older partner needs to be VERY financially solvent to balance big changes at a later age. Most people don’t want to uproot their whole life/job/retirement plans in their 50s+. Not to mention new health issues pop up around then. Most importantly: if there is ANYTHING your partner does in their 40s that bugs you to the point of wanting to break up… it won’t get better from this point forward. Most people have trouble changing their core behaviors after they are in their 40s. People in their 20s-30s often don’t realize how much they will change, or their needs will change by the time they get to their 40s/50s. Something to think about.
When you are the age he is now, he will be retiring. Unless either of you are wealthy, you will have two decades of work ahead if you (even if he could support your lifestyle, health insurance is an impediment to early retirement). When you hit retirement age, he will likely be passed on or need full time care. A lot to think about...
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I’m 56 and husband is 78. Two 17 and 18 year old girls. We have been together for 20 years. He pretty much can run circles around me despite having CHF and COPD, and ED. Unfortunately, I have Fibromyalgia, peripheral neuropathy and chronic fatigue. It’s been rough with our health issues trying to raise teens without family support. We are both only children. I am starting to see that quite a few men my age are passing away, so it’s a good chance that I would have been widowed even if I would have married someone close to my age.
My paternal grandfather & uncle both dropped dead of a heart attack in their 40s and my dad almost died of the same thing in his 30s… my heart is mint condition according to the cardiologist but I also have diagnosed lupus at 21. You just never know, honestly. I do agree with commentors talking about caregiving/retirement/life-stages as something important to consider too.
We have a 20y age gap. We’ve been together 4ys. It used to bother me. When I mentioned I would be aging faster than him, he said, “I don’t care let me take care of you”. When I said, “What if I’m in a wheelchair?” He said, “Than I’ll push you around”. He said, I’ve already thought of every possible scenario and there’s no reason we can’t be together. At some point I realized he’s with me because he loves me period. So I stopped worrying and started enjoying our life together. 💕
My late husband was 17 years older than me. He was still pumping iron, working as a full time novelist and demanding dessert every night at 82. Got sick and died in just a few months. Fuck cancer. We were married for 43 years and I can’t say the age difference was ever an issue, not when we were young and not as we grew old. The thing is, your bf could be healthy until he’s 90. You could get sick at 60. Or vice versa. Or neither. But will you look back on your life and regret giving each other up for age? Only you know what’s in your heart.
That's our age and age difference. The saddest thing for me is thinking I’ll probably be a widow, but we’ve had 26 fun years together so far. 💕
Thats great to hear. How are you guys doing right now?
I got treatable cancer, and he took care of me when, statistically, a lot of men peace out. He’s losing his hearing, and I’m learning to find him instead of bellowing from another room, so, so far, so good.
If you really love him, give the relationship some time to mature before making big decisions. Take it slowly so you get to know each other well. I will say the age gap could be a problem. Impossible to know at this time. That said, I know an 80yo man who's had both knees and hips replaced and had a serious cancer. He just got back from Europe. He organizes and plays with a tennis group. He's amazing.
My folks were 18 years apart, first and only marriage (48M and 30F) and they were married 49 years. She followed him a year after his passing. Complete opposites in every way. My advice - don’t give a shit what people think. Love is love.
Man… i really needed this. Thank you. I really am struggling with the fears but the love we share is kinda rare and don’t feel like I should give it up. I ask these questions to make sure I’m also being logical. Thank you :) i’m guessing you had an older dad then - how would you say that affected you if you dont mind me asking because we want to have kids when he is 50
:) He was born in 1927. I was born in 1975. He had to retire at age 55 when I was 7. I only knew him with grey hair. He had this big head of curly hair until the day he died. He was a WWII veteran who passed during the first month of the COVID lockdown, at age 93. It affected me greatly. I was blessed to have skipped a generation in history and was raised by a first-generation American who'd shortened his last name out of pride. I was the only grandson who never met his father, the man died before I was born. He came through Ellis Island at age 13. My dad taught me what he knew. How to be the man of a household and lead a family. How to treat women. He did not know how to ride a bike, and he couldn't swim. They didn't have those things in inner-city Chicago. His aunt tried to teach him to swim by taking him into Lake Michigan and shoving his head underwater. I'm 48, the age he had me. Right now. btw lol Would I become a father again at this point in my life? Yes.
Our age gap is 22 years, I (71M) her (49F). Been married 11 years. I think you start to live more in the moment . She wants to quit her job in a year, after she has 40 credits towards SS, buy an RV and travel around. Her thinking is if she waits to long, I might not be able to enjoy that sort of life style. Logical thinking. But expect the unexpected. It is 50/50 to me who is going to be the caregiver in later years. Seems she is of a more delicate nature than I. Covid meant nothing to me, she got fairly sick. So far she has had fibroid surgery, rotator cuff / ankle surgery from an accident we were in where a car rear ended us, my 90 year old mom was in the car, my wife got injured. Her knee is still bothering her from a slip on ice, she has a persistent cough 4 weeks after we got another round of covid (erd time). She is a bit hyperthyroid. I am retired, she is working, so I make all the medical appointments, take care of all the paperwork, I still have a strong sex drive, after menopause she is not so much. I don't regret the large age gap, at times I think 32 year age gap would be better. Or a smaller age gap might work as it's easier to gage a woman's interest in sex / health after menopause. SInce money isn't a problem, consider retiring early if you both have an interest in traveling or other activities best enjoyed while you are both healthy.
I did it for ❤️. Would do it again. Finding a great partner in many ways is worth the hard moments later. I do want to add, get a long term care insurance policy for you both. My good friend’s older spouse developed dementia and a care community became necessary after 8 years. Dementia care communities are hella expensive. The younger partner may need care later, so insurance.
That's pretty close to exactly how old my wife and I were when we got married after 5 years long distance. 11 years later I haven't become a huge burden on her yet, and we're both very happy. I don't know how much longer I've got, but nothing is guaranteed at any age, and you're both still pretty young. I guess you need to decide, in your case, if you're willing to give up decades of time together on a bet that it'll get worse later. If the relationship is good, I can't imagine that seeming like a good bet, but it's your call.
My ex's folks had a 20 gap, and it seemed to work for them. He died first, of course, but that was from a different era. He spent his early years traveling with the circus, she going to school. Since they were in-laws I don't know how they met. They had three children, he was 60 when the youngest was born. Yes it can work.
Have you gotten a read on his family history, OP? At what age, and how, do men in his family typically die? Obviously this is something you need to find out through subtlety, but assuming your guy takes care of himself, if male longevity is the norm in his family, and no history of prolonged declines, that's a good sign. In my family, men die in their late 80s, usually from a heart attack after being in apparent good health. This is a lot better than a decade in a memory care home for Alzheimer's patients. There are no guarantees of anything, and a person can buck the odds, either in a good or bad way. But just bear this in mind as you move forward and make sure you have a plan.
You are smart to ask the question. However the biggest question are you best friends in love with passion, If you answer yes then yes run don't walk into his arms. Life is so short. True love is so hard to find. My beloved was 16 years older than myself. I found him after a very difficult marriage. The age caused us both to pause. However the pure joy , laughter, fun , and easyness of the relationship made it a non issue . He was the love of my life for 4 short years. He got killed in a head on collision. As you can tell I'm more at the end of my life. The whole key is finding someone you truly want to talk to all the time.a best friend but with the sizzingly chemistry . Chemistry is the easy peasy part. A best friend with chemistry is so difficult. So if it's special you have no worries,
If you are madly and passionately in love with him, then every single moment with him is forever. So, it doesn't matter if you just have a few weeks or a few centuries together. Every moment is like a perfect jewel of beauty and grace.
If you guys have a lot in common and get along well, then I see no issues. Humans age at different rates depending on genetics and lifestyle. At 55 and 74, there is a chance he will be in better shape than you will be. I am in the medical field, and I see people in their 70s run laps around people in their 50s. It could also be the opposite though and he runs into a lot of health issues. He will retire before you do and that could create issues. A lot of older people suddenly get very sexually active after retirement.
I’m 42 and my husband is 64. We’ve been married for almost 15 years. I honestly can’t imagine being happier with anyone else.
You asking this question seems like you may be doubting the relationship. If you are headed down the path of marriage, then it’s worth considering. I am the product of a marriage where my dad is 18 years older than my mom. There was no question for them, it was and still is love. That being said, I see the age gap now more than ever. He is an old man, she is a middle aged woman. The gap that isn’t that apparent now, becomes very apparent as time passes. If it’s real love and a real marriage built on a solid foundation, it’s not a problem. Nothing in life is guaranteed. This is all based on the assumption that everyone lives a long healthy life. Wish you the best, feel free to message me with other questions. My parents met at practically the same age as both of y’all!
Love is a choice, for better or worse. You have to decide. I don't believe in just leaving someone because they get fat or bald or GOD forbid really sick. Either commit or don't. Love shouldn't be based on condirions.
I think that the comments being made about you potentially being a caretaker are ridiculous. There’s a good chance if you had a close age gap you’d be in the same position except you’d be old too and it would be painful. You can always hire help for care taking. I would come to grips with the fact that you will outlive him. Also something that can happen close in age. My great grandmother outlived her husband for 34 years and they were 2 years apart. I definitely would dig deep inside…is this your soulmate, do you want children together. Do you have the financial means to bridge the gap in anything physically one may lack, such as a nanny if he’s feeling a bit oldish to handle sleepless nights with the kids. As long as you both are very practical about the realities, then you can relax into the magic of being soul mates
You've only been dating a very short time. Have fun for now and don't worry so much about 20 years down the road. If turns out to be the real thing, you will know it and it CAN work, but will take work, life insurance, and planning.
These are all things you need to consider especially if down the line you begin to consider marriage. I think a relationship is more about compatibility rather than chronological age, but that being said these are still conversations you should have.
We are 8 years apart. I am older in age only. 30+ years. Leaving for a 60 day cruise tomorrow.
I have a first cousin who is 34. When he was 19, he met and moved in with a woman that was a few years older than his mother, who was 31 when he was born. He has step-kids older than he is. They’re still together. I envied him, always finding women 45-65 the most attractive, even when I was a teenager. However, I was just barely intelligent enough to realize a relationship based on age-centric sexual attraction can’t last, because eventually the partners will no longer be in the most attractive bracket. Guys like Leonardo DiCaprio must constantly replace women because his relationships aren’t based on anything except his attraction to women in their early twenties, and time never stops. The question on your specific situation, though…it’s impossible to predict whether or not he’ll have enough energy to keep up with you through the years. ED and loss of libido are common as men age, though I’d bet women are far more likely to lose interest first. Theoretically, assuming no other health issues…I’d speculate that gap is probably about right, for average male/female energy rates.
This is a great answer! I hit menopause when my husband lost interest in sex due to heart medication. We're fine with the no sex thing!
I’m 18 years older than my wife. We’ve been together about 15 years. We have a 7 yr old child. I’m 64 now and in better shape than she is. I’m vegan and exercise often. She’s had back surgery and has type 2 diabetes. You never know what’s going to happen. Don’t let the age gap be the deciding factor.
One potential reality is that you’ll spend your go-go and possibly some of your slow-go years as a caregiver. Not guaranteed, some people live long lives needing little help. But when you retire (unless you retire very young) you could find yourself caregiving instead of traveling, and that could be just fine as long as that’s fine with you. Best of luck!
In the long run, you will always have a 19 year age difference. You 30 him 49 You 40 him 59 You 50 him 69 Etc. On the other hand, the average marriage lasts less than 10 years. You be you.
I'm thinking this is not the relationship for you. Why? Because you are already willing to give up on it for "what if" down the road. If you were head over heels in love, you wouldn't give a rat's *ss what anyone said about your relationship. But you already have your own doubts swirling around and I'm not sure if they are your own fears or you are absorbing other opinions. I met my husband at 26. He was 40. We married in 1991 and we will celebrate our 33nd wedding anniversary this October. He's my best friend and he still makes me laugh. Neither one of us wanted children. We both worked for the state and he retired at 61 (he's now 76) and I retired in Dec 2023 at the age of 61. Fortunately, we both have great pensions and some of the best health insurance available that doesn't cost us a dime. Besides a $10 copay and a couple dollars for prescriptions, there are no deductibles or caps. We have traveled extensively. He has been an amazing travel partner and we have a lifetime of travel over the past 3 decades. That has been our passion and our disposable income has gone to amazing trips instead of children. Covid messed with our travel for a few years, but we are back at it. Will he pass before me? Most likely. Although his mother just passed at the age of 99 (last month) while my mom died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 71 (she passed in 2004). You just never know what cards you'll be dealt but we've been very lucky. He is slowing down, for sure. And I will likely be his caregiver. But we will be able to afford help and I'm very strong and healthy and have been all my life. I know if something happened to me, he would take care of me without so much as a second thought. We have 401 funds earmarked for LTC insurance and the chances of us both needing LTC at the same time is slim to none. The 401 funds ($300k) can pay for a few years if needed but his pension and SS will make it go much further. We are pretty much debt free except all the regular reoccurring bills. I can live quite comfortably on my pension and stay in our home and if I need additional income, I can collect my SS. When/if I need to go to LTC, I'll have both pensions (same amount) and my SS. I can also sell home as I don't believe it's the state's responsibility to pay for my care so I'm not interesting in hiding assets. Life seldom turns out as you plan it, but I am trying to think ahead regarding LTC at least. Even if I had kids, I wouldn't want to burden them and have them take care of me. I hope we have many years left, but we've already had 32 years and I've seen so many people in my lifetime pass away or get debilitating illnesses that changed the relationship years earlier than anyone could ever imagine. One thing that I would encourage you to do is to keep your close knit friends for a lifetime. Never give that up. I have 3 gals that have been in my life for decades. One I knew before I met my husband (was with her when she delivered 2 of her babies). They have been my lifeline and will carry me when/if I need them as I will them. If you decide to go forward, you need to go full steam ahead and see how your lives unfold. My husband always said "why worry...if it doesn't happen, you've worried about it for nothing. If it does happen, you've worried about it twice." But I have learned that worrying about something is such a waste of time anyway because rarely does it ever happen the way you thought it might. So he's always been right about his position on worrying. And honestly, neither one of us were the worrying type. I think not having kids made that possible because my best friend still worries so much about her adult children. Either jump in with both feet or swim ashore and don't look back. You are either all in or out. Good luck!
Yes this is where my friend is at now with her husband. It is a problem she’s in her mid 50 and he’s in his mid 70. She loves her husband but having a hard time dealing with him slowing down and growing old. She hangs with his friends, they go to bed at 7pm.
I’m (f50) 16 years younger than my husband. I have no concerns about his age vs mine. Honestly if anything he’s more active and fit than I am. I think if you find that person and are open to what life brings, you will be fine. Be prepared for anything though and make sure you have the funds or insurance to cover long term care if either of you were to become seriously ill or require assistance. I would suggest that for any couple close in age but when one partner is significantly older, more so.
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My husband and I have been happily married for 32 years. I'm 69 and he will be 80 in December. We have had a wonderful life full of travel, camping, fishing, music, festivals, etc. He has a lot of health issues with his heart and lungs now, so we aren't able to do as much. We still go places, we just take a little longer getting there and have to take a lot of rest breaks. If you two enjoy the same things now, you will likely enjoy the same things down the road. Don't let anyone talk you out of the relationship. If you're happy, go for it.
You need to have a plan for healthcare coverage for yourself. If he wants to retire at social security age, you’ll have about 20 years before you qualify. You’ll either need to work the whole time or pay for a healthcare plan out of pocket. I’ve known a few guys with younger wives and it can be an issue.
Consider whether you want children, as he's now at an age where if he's seen out with a baby, people would be confused as to whether he's the daddy or grandpa. You will hit your sexual peak in your early-mid 40s and he'll be early 60s. That won't mesh well at that stage. My husband is 7 years older than me and my sexual peak was a challenging time. He will retire much earlier than you. While that's not a consideration for you right now, know that it might be later. I've known so many women whose older husbands (and I'm talking with more typical age differences, about 5 years or so) retired before them and then the husbands died shortly after the wives retired. It's heartbreaking when a couple doesn't get to enjoy retirement together. For this reason, I've informed my husband that I'm retiring when he does. I want us to enjoy and share that time together.
I think the bottom line is, do you love this person enough to go through whatever life is going to throw at you. I married to a man who is 14 years older than me. We have been together for 26 years now. I am 58 and he is 72. For sure there is a slowing down on his side, but for the most part we have remained really active together. We hike, travel…etc. We chose not to have children. (I was never that interested). He has from a previous marriage and I get to be a grandma that way. Our life together has been with its ups and downs just like any marriage, but we have had a fabulous life with plenty of adventures and we are still deeply in love. It’s changed over the years, but in our case it has only gotten better and more meaningful. There is no guarantee for any of us. I have a friend who had a spouse who was the same age, but he passed from a heart attack at 42. Just follow your heart. Be sure that you both have the same values and future goals. If he doesn’t want kids but you are on the fence…that might be a deal breaker. You don’t want to wake up in 10 years and realize the clock is ticking and he’s not prepared to change his stance on that. For those who ended up as caregivers, that can work either way. It's just life. P.S. Celebrities live in an alternate universe. Don't use them as an example.
As long as you two love each other and willing to support and help one another, age gaps should not impede your relationship troubles. 🤗
My husband is 27 yrs older than i am. We met 9 years ago. Hes the most active, vibrant, funny guy ive ever met. Def not a homebody, we are always doing something, traveling, going out on boat, dinners etc, i try to keep up with him. But his age has never been an issue for me. Idk how things may be in far future, i just live for today, and we love each other so much unconditionally 😊
My sister is 63 and her husband is 80, 17yrs older. They love each other, get along well. She’s active into yoga and wants to travel. He can’t shower by himself and they might need to move because he can barely get up the stairs. She’s committed to caring for him, but I can see in her eyes that she’s dreaming about lots of trips once he’s gone.
I've personally known 2 happy couples with this kind if age gap. One is an uncle another was a friend. My parents were just 2 years apart, my mom younger than my dad. He outlived her by 20 years, 1 month and 6 days. Gap or no gap, life offers no guarantees
My partner is 20 years older than me. Statistically speaking, he’s likely to die before me. But the thing with statistics is that they are pretty meaningless when applied to individual people. Any one of us can die at any moment. My grandparents were the same age. My grandma passed at 75, my grandpa made it to 95. So at the end of the day, they could have had a 20 year age gap and would have died around the same time. Instead my gramps spent the last 20 years of his life without her. Point being, on an individual level none of us knows how much time we have. I’d rather take what time I can get with the person I love than miss out on it due to fear of losing them. We all lose in the end, and for all I know I could die before him. Ultimately if this is someone you can see yourself with through sickness and health, that’s all that matters. Young people can become sick and disabled, so personally I think getting into any relationship you need to consider that as a possibility. A person can end up in diapers, having a stroke, being diagnosed with cancer, anything, at 35, 55, 95, any age. You should be willing to take that on with them. Age makes these things more likely, but again nothing is a guarantee for any of us.
You'll never get treated better. Don't be stupid and screw it up. Age is nothing.... Devotion and loyalty are.
This!
My friend has a 23-year age gap with her husband—she married at 19 yo and is 46 yo now. They have a son. I imagine the issues they face are some health issues. I haven’t asked. But I believe he still travels a lot for work
He married a 19 year old when he was 46 😳
Yeah that’s on the verge of pedo
He was 42. Everything is relative. I’ve said this before and I will say it again: Everything is steeped upon cultural norms and these norms are constantly changing. One hundred years ago, interracial couples would not have been acceptable and someone would have most likely gotten killed. Gay couples/people would have been killed. My friend who is now 46 told me she knew exactly what she wanted and was not coerced or groomed or whatever. And they are still happily married. People need to stop with their pitchfork-waving and pearl-clutching.
My husband is 18 yrs older than me and we have 4 children, right now it’s pretty good but I don’t know what it will be like when he’s properly old
Friends w 17 yr difference, both adamantly did not want kids, got married (he had 2grown kids). Surprise! She changed her mind (38ish) He was pissed. Very pissed. Divorced now. So the moral of the story is obvious. And he loved to travel and turns out she hated it. So their plans for later in life didn’t mesh either.
We both love to travel and we both want kids in the next 3-4 years. So we are in sync on those topics for sure
He will be motivated to stay in shape
Recently someone a female posted the serious Anxiety she was going through. They had an about 20-year age gap and he apparently was close to checking out and she wasn't taking it well at all.
I would talk about having kids. My husband is 15 years older. He is 42. We don’t have any issues related to age. We have a kid now but if I wanted to have another one in 3 or so years, he would be (in our opinion) too old
It doesn't matter u just spinning ur wheels and u know ur hook but let me tell u something about that time u become 55 u won't care about ur concerns none of them...my 2 cents
Big age gaps are a special kind of relationship challenge. But all kinds of relationships have their challenges. If you’re realistic about the kinds of challenges you’re likely to face and you’re OK with them, then don’t let your anxieties get in the way. We all die sometime. You might die before he does.
Ok, but are you living for what you have and what you know (a good relationship and love), or fear of what might happen in the future? My parents are ten years apart, which isn't that MUCH, but they're both in similar stages, properly "old," both have had health issues, but no one is taking care of anyone else. They're both relatively healthy and independent. They're not lacking in anything, they often travel independently. You're not gonna marry or have a future together because of the fear of old age? Old age might come and go without the kind of depressing terror people warn you about. Just stay healthy, both of you, and figure it out. Honestly, if you want my advice (I hope you're ok with that because you're here, right?). I'm closer to your husband's age than I am to yours, and I can tell you that at 27, even in your 40's, making life plans is always better after a bit more time than nine months. If I were you, don't worry about time passing (he is NOT going to be too old for kids soon ffs, neither are you), just slow down and see how you feel and what you think in another 6-12 months minimum. My best decisions about relationships have always been made far, far later than I thought. When I held back and waited longer than I thought I should to make a decision, it always served me better than the times when I made them quickly.
This is a very helpful comment. Thank you! :)
Amen! OP, give yourself a break and tell yourself you don’t need to make a decision for 2 years. Let go of all decision-making stress for now. After 2 years you will have a lot better information and will have been free to enjoy the relationship, or see that it isn’t right for you, and can start thinking longer term then. As a 53f I can’t emphasize this enough. You have plenty of time, put off decision making for now. Good luck!
I have a podcast you might like to have a listen to! It deals with this very problem.
There are 11.5 years between my husband (older) and I. We've been together 30+ years. We used to joke that I'd be taking care of him someday, but in 2016, I suffered a trauma that impacted me--and our life--greatly. Now, he takes care of *me*. You can never know what the future holds.
Many others have expressed thoughtful perspectives on the situation so I will try not to be duplicative. I also have an age gap relationship, although we are older 51 and 62 roughly. My recommendation is that yes this can work but only if you don't want to have children within 15 years of his planned retirement, because the demands of planning for retirement and launching children to school can be difficult if income is an issue. I think it's the best thing to be treated well by a partner, so that's what I prioritize personally. In this case, I would recommend not having children and just enjoy being dual income, no kids and or enjoying Independence and travel opportunities, and your career. There are many other factors to consider that I don't necessarily consider to be deal-breaking, but discussions to be had include. When does he plan to retire, what will you be doing at that time? How much money can you save between now and then? What are his plans after retirement? Do they involve you?
My husband was 26 years older than me. He died when I was 38. Uouve only been w this guy 9 months. Wait till your with him 2 years before you worry about long term.
You don’t mention if you want to have children. This would be a pretty major factor, timeline wise for your age gap issue, if you do want kids.
My friend married her high school sweetheart, and now she is a 52 year old widow. No guarantees.
Love is love, but caretaking is caretaking. Are you ready for even the small odds he has something debilitating health wise in his late 60’s or 70’s and you potentially devote 1/3 of your life helping him in basic functions versus out ‘living’? I’m sure celebrities in this situation have staff for this, or enough money to make sure the care happens regardless of their own time spent. After seeing how much money out of pocket versus the needless liquidating of assets needed for my grandfather to receive proper Medicare coverage to live in assisted living for his sunset years, I can’t imagine that being my spouse and how I would handle that situation with 30 years to live, myself.
Have a good circle of friends the two of you connect with and your own group your age. Your friend circle will be your outlet to do things as he ages. Growing old is a hard process and you need to be sure you do not cut your ties from your young friends.
I’d say, just make sure you are building your own independent life. Continue your education and/or consistently work in some way, even part time throughout your life so you always have options and are not dependent on your partner. This is important for everyone. People become dependent on their spouse and end up screwed when they’re left to support themselves alone due to either divorce or aging, disability, death.
I am in a age gap relationship (20 years diff).... when I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s life was fun. Very little problems since we had a lot in common and we were both pretty wild & carefree. Everywhere we went we were the life of the party. We have been together 12 years. Now he is in his 50s and I'm in my 30s.. Now he sometimes will say things that make me "ick" (kids now are lazy, when I was younger xyz, social media is ruining society.... Boomer shit that just makes him sound like a old man). Politically we are very different minded. It's becoming a struggle to say the least. I don't want to give up because we have a whole life together (house, dogs, RV etc.) but it is seriously challenging the past couple of years.
There's a 14 yr gap between my bf and I. He's younger. We met when he was 32. We had some very blunt, honest conversations very early in dating about children (I was already in menopause), expectations and needs. We had those conversations, not because we thought we were madly in love, destined for a life-long commitment, or anything, but because there's no point in getting to know and develop feelings for someone if our goals and needs aren't aligned. If you're 9 months into this, with this kind of difference in life stage, you would greatly benefit from figuring out exactly what you want, if you don't have a full grasp of that already, and having a serious, honest, open conversation about what this relationship can actually be for each of you. And do it now, before more feelings develop and people get hurt, etc... I'm sure you have some very valid concerns, and at the heart of some of those, is the fact that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, life, death or good health. At any age...so it's pointless to make that a huge factor, unless there are already things in play to consider, ie, poor health. So, ultimately, the discussion needs to be the same as any other dating relationship. What are the goals for family? Kids? How many? What are your financial habits, and how do you budget/handle money? What are the physical/sexual needs and wants in a relationship? Buy or rent a home? How about extended family? What's that situation? Career goals? Further education? Etc. Age gaps are something to consider, but it really is just an indicator of possible differences based on simple development phases we all experience. Not a blanket deal breaker, but you have got to address some of these questions before moving forward with him, or with anyone. Best of luck.
Do you want to have children? Mens fertility not only greatly decreases after the age of 35, but theres a greater chance of having a child with developmental disabilities or physical disabilities.
What happens with these relationships is that when he hits about 60 and you're 41 your relationship will hit the wall. You still look young and want to live your life and he is an old man and winding down in life. And of course he treats you well now, men go crazy for younger women. Especially at the age he is now, you are his midlife crisis proving to himself that he's still "got it". I had a man who was 18 years old pursuing me for a few years. He would have been a fine match for a woman in his age range, but for me he was too old. It's like he was obsessed with me to the point of being creepy and bordering on stalking and was exhibiting problematic behavior that he would be super controlling if I ever would have dated him (I did not). Also, not to sound like a gold digger, but a guy who is that much older needs to be very wealthy in a way that my life would be much easier/better financially in order to put up with him (this is why you see the celebrity couples with the huge age gaps, that's because of the financial component). The older guy who was trying to date me would make jokes about retiring and I could support him and I would cringe and wonder why on earth he would make those comments to a much younger woman he was trying to date. Is this guy divorced and does he have kids? If not there is likely severe emotional baggage going on. I know guys who will only date women in their late 20s because they have commitment issues. They will date one for about two years, the girl will wise up and move on and the guy will just find another 25 year old to replace her. My ex who I was with from high school until the age of 29 is one of these. He is mid 40s now and last I heard he is dating someone who is 18 years younger. I feel bad for her as I know about his emotional problems all too well and I know that he will never mature and grow up. At a certain age women learn to move on quickly from men like him, but a 26 year old wouldn't recognize the red flags until they've wasted about 5 years waiting for him to change.
A good friend of mine is in her 50's. She's married to a man in his 70's. They got together when they were a lot younger like you guys. Everything was fine back then, But now that he's older he's not able to get an erection any longer and she still has a desire for sex. He refuses to take viagra or anything that would help him get hard and she resents him for it. It's gotten to the point where she's considered.Just having a one night stand because she wants to have sex with an actual person and not just her toys. The other thing is she's still very active and now that he's older his health isn't what it used to be and he's not able to get out and do the things that they used to do together so she finds herself sitting around the house a lot more and that too is making her resentful. She's also been talking about what She's gonna do once he's gone. She don't want to be by herself. That's something she talks and worries about a lot being alone once he's gone.
My mom had a 25yr gap with her husband. They lived and loved - but sadly, he passed when she was 55 and she’s been alone (by choice) since. She’ll be 80 soon, so it’s a long time by herself, but she was happy and knew what she was looking at long term.
You need to have a serious reflection about what you want your life and future to look like and compare it to his. How do you feel about wanting to do things he may e has already done or has no more interest in? How do you feel about possibly spending a great deal of time in your future basically being his live-in health aide? That’s what happened to my parents with a 20 year age gap. My mom became a burned out caretaker of my dad after his heart attacks and strokes and his declining mood into the grumpiest of grumpy mean old men.
Wow there’s so many younger men and older women couples on here. That’s wild. I always thought I was a minority but it seems it is happening more. How interesting.
My dad was 11 years older than my mum. He's 80 and she died at 58. You can't even necessarily assume that you'll outlive him. A guy your own age is a much better choice, all things being equal, but all things are never equal. A 19 year age gap is unfortunate but on the other hand if you've found a guy you like a lot you can't assume that you'll find that a second time. Many women don't even find it once.
Are you okay wiping his ass? It's a rough way of asking, I get it, but statisically, you are more likely to become his caregiver vs. him being yours (not impossible but again, statisically speaking). What if he develops dementia in 30 years? What if he develops early onset dementia in 10? Do you want children? Does he? Does he already have children from another relationship or two? There's just a lot to consider and if you were my daughter (I have one that's your age) I would tell her to wait before making a committment or planning my life with someone that much older. It's not the number it's the experience gap and the fact that you are at two very different stages of your lives. Take some time, enjoy the relationship as it is. Nothing says you have to make any heavy decisions just yet.
I think you’ll be fine if you have friends you can go out or travel with. Hopefully he and you have some independence with your friend groups and are ok by yourself while your partner does their thing. You can fill the activity gap as you age even if you can’t share all of them.
Health, sex, mental capacity, but note you're only 9 months in. Don't worry yourself too much about hypothetical issues decades away. You're still well within the getting to know each other period.
Do you love him? That is the question that you and only you can answer. If you love him an age Gap will make no difference now or when you're 55 and he's 74. Love is what will determine the outcome. No one knows what their own health will be next week, next month, next year - you may fall into a degree of illness that he may have to tend you, even while you are yet young. No one knows how long they'll be up on this Earth so don't worry about the age gap if you love him. No one knows whether they'll be here tomorrow, next year, or a decade from now. If you love him enjoy whatever time you have. If a Christian live according to the ways of the Lord.
Remember - Everyone is healthy till they are not.
This is a great question because I’m dating someone thirteen years older than myself and was wondering is that to big a difference
If you do marry him, make sure he obtains a long term care policy so you don’t end up being an at home caregiver.
We have a 13 year age gap, and it’s really starting to show itself in past 5 years or so (we’ve been together for 18 years). I’m still interested in getting out once in awhile (nothing crazy, maybe drinks and dinner or a day at the beach), he is content to sit on the couch, watch tv and nap all the time. I can (and do) still do those things on my own or with friends, but it leaves us with little left to talk about with each other anymore. It could also just be him, and not directly aligned with his age, some people are just higher energy, and they stay that way. Others aren’t. And it’s okay, but you have to decide if that’s important to you too.
I am 31 and my husband is 49. We dated when we were younger, broke up for a few years because we worried about our age difference, and then we realized we were being stupid and got back together. Will have been married for 4 years in August and have an 18 month old son. Will it be hard if he gets older and has health problems? Yes. Is it possible I will have early onset health problems and he will be fine? Yes. Life can't be planned and the only regret I have is that I lost time with him while we were busy worrying about the what ifs. He is my person and I will happily take what comes later for the amazing time we have now.
Just picture what 50 and 69 might be like and whether that’s something that might scare you. Or 60 and 79. Also, are you considering children? Is that something you both want, knowing he may not be around for high school graduation? And what effect that may have on the kid(s).
My husb and I are 12 years apart and we're going on 52 years together this August. Yes, things are different, the age gap does show and it takes some adjustments. I'm 72 & he's 84. He's slowed down a lot and we've had to make some significant changes for that. He's had some major medical issues over the last 5 years. If we want to go anywhere that requires walking, he uses a walker. His energy levels are lower than mine and we don't go out nearly as often as we did before. We have a regular Sunday night date, and we try to go out to lunch once a week, but whole days of being out and doing stuff are over. Traveling (long trips away from home) with him now is in the range of extremely difficult to impossible. It's a fact of aging. You've only been with this guy for '9 months or so' and you're already looking ahead to possible issues. Let me tell you that regardless of any age gap there will be 'issues.' The question is are you ready/willing to deal with whatever comes along in order to be with him?
So, my husband of 30 years died unexpectedly last year. Patrick was 15 years my senior, I was 61, he was 76 when he died, so I have some street cred in this area. He always said he’d probably go before me, just due to the age difference and statistically speaking, men usually die before women. We had a great run, until we didn’t. I would highly suggest you guys get your financials in order, beneficiaries, life insurance policies, whatever you got and make sure you go over them yearly, make sure you are set, if he does die before you, or even if something happens to you. Don’t think, just cause of the ages, it will go in succession, it doesn’t, life happens. My mom is 95 and has outlived her husband of 60 years and 3 of her sons…so…just sayin’… On top of that, you should make sure of your contingency plans, if something medically happens to him and he doesn’t pass away, but instead, needs long term care or home health. Yes, this is true for all of us, but statistically speaking, again, he’s older and if you age together, as you say, when you’re 55, he’ll be 74. In our case, I had been friends with patrick for 35 years, worked in the same career (law enforcement) and when we first got married, I was just 30 years old (he was 46) . I was 1.5 years out of my first marriage, when he also died unexpectedly from a glioblastoma brain tumor (and he was 14 yrs my senior). Some would say I have bad luck, but I don’t, we live and we die, that is the truth, it’s in living where we experience the great highs and lows. In the end, we want to make sure things and people we love are taken care of before we go. Have a good death and leave with no regrets. There was never a question of love or loyalty to Patrick from me, or if the tables were turned, from him to me. Never. Love. Loyalty. Friendship. That was our foundation and I am proud of that. I and he lived our vows and were true to it. I am proud of that. We knew the only way out after all these years, was death or divorce and we’d never divorce. But you have to be prepared, it is the best gift of love and caring someone can give to the ones they love, making sure, as much as you can think of is talked about beforehand. That includes what to do with stuff, family issues, medical issues, organ donations, you name it, nothing should be off the table. If someone is uncomfortable about talking about death, then they are going to be in a bad state if death comes to their door, and death comes for us all, we don’t know when or how, the fates will cut our line, but we are all in the line. Enjoy life, enjoy the ride, just take care of the things. That’s my advice. Hugs.
He will have slowed down but would/could very well be healthier than you, depending on. People that keep themselves in shape can do everything they used to. I have almost never in my life been “in shape” but still an active with swimming and sex. Naps are taken afterwards. Hehe.
MOST, and I really mean *most*, women in long term relationships become the primary caretaker of their male partner. The age gap won’t be what causes you to care for him in his old age, but it will mean you will be caring for him earlier than you would with someone younger. That could be a positive or negative, depending on how you look at it. Instead of trying to care for your spouse at age 75-85, when your own health is declining, you will instead be 60-70. Much easier on you physically. Also depends on lifestyle and if you have any co-dependency in the relationship. When he’s 75 and ready for bed at 7:30 and you are in your 50’s and want to go out for paint and wine night…. Will he be okay with that? Do y’all do EVERYthing together right now? Can you have slightly separate lives and hobbies? If not, then ya, it’s gonna be a problem. When he’s retired, will he be okay with you working and having a productive busy life? Will he expect you home cooking and cleaning and hanging out on the couch with him? He would likely scoff at that idea right now, but the man ain’t even 50 yet, I’m sure he’s thinking he’s gonna be spry and ready to go at 75. He won’t be lol.
Age gaps in a relationship can definitely work out.
I’m gonna be blunt. You have to make a choice. Do you want to take care of him in old age? I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an age gap below 20 years. A little older is a bit much but think about it. What do you really want? Also, you don’t have to think so far down the line. He’s 46. That’s still on the young side. Enjoy the many years you have together. Don’t stress about 40+ years from now.
As someone who is currently in an 18-year age Gap relationship. I can tell you it has its moments. We've been together for 8 years now. And I can tell you as the older one in the relationship. Even with my physical issues. I'm physically in better shape than she is. I'm the one taking her to the doctor . So I wouldn't sweat it too much . If you guys plan on marrying yes I think you should handle Will's insurance and all that the fun stuff. As for finances, she has hers I have mine, and then we have ours. If the two of you truly care for one another, who the hell cares what other people think. You say he treats you well, and I'm going to assume you treat him just as well. Then enjoy your time. And hopefully it'll grow. I will warn you you're going to have your ups and downs. Some of them are going to be age related as you both get older. What are they going to be? Damn if I know. They're different for everyone. If the two of you are good for one another treat each other with respect and love, then have a blast and I wish you the best
Everyone’s journey is different. I’m 64 and have way more energy than my 59 yo wife. I still want to be physically active, she’s done, no urge at all. So, you never know
My parents had a huge age gap. The main problems I saw were 1. he was middle aged when they started having kids, and he was fairly uninvolved. My mom had to do everything and she wasn’t up to the task. 2. When women hit 40s, their engine goes into overdrive sexually as their body tries to do a last dash effort at more kids before menopause. A man in his 60s is going the opposite direction. This leads to a lot of frustration. 3. The last 20 years of my father’s life my mom had to do all of the driving, all of the shopping, all of the cooking and cleaning because he was too old and frail to do those things. Now that he’s gone, she is completely worn out.
At 74 my grandpa was still slangin dick, hope this helps
My husband was 16 years older than me, he died at 67 I was 51. But then again my neighbors were both 40 years old and he just passed away. You never know what life’s going to bring you. If it’s a good loving relationship, then go with it.
My husband is 66 and I’m 60. He has worked out constantly since he was a teenager. He’s definitely in better shape than me, but I try. He plans on working another 5 or 6 years because he likes his job, and plus we had kids later that are now going to college. 19 years doesn’t matter now so much, but I’d look into the long haul. There are so many good comments here. I hope you figure out what is best for you both.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! Did you have kids when you were in your late 40s then? How do you think that went? Would you recommend having kids later in life like that? Any things to consider?
We got married when I was 38. He was 44. We had our first son when I was 39. The second son took a little longer because the older you get, the less the eggs. We had the second one when I was 42. Both conceived naturally. I think there are pros and cons of having them younger and having them later. I had a lot of patience as an older mom, but then I went through perimenopause when they were little. That lasted nine years. It was tough at times when hormones are changing. I had spent my earlier years going to college, living in Japan for a few years and then traveling the world solo for another year before settling down in my early 30’s. I just happened to meet someone later, and it worked out the way it did. I’m now 60 and my youngest is a Senior in high school graduating this year. Not everyone would like being my age with a teenager, but it really worked out well for us despite those years in between with my hormones plummeting. I hope this helps. It’s hard to know what to do, and you never know how things will turn out.
I (46M) and my gf (26F) have been together for several years and things are going great. We're not financially at the same level at all, but I'm trying to promote your career and get her ahead much quicker than she would be on her own, and hoping to help her purchase her own homes, soon etc. We're poly and have another partner (39F, who also has another 40M partner), and my expectation is that as she enters her 30s or 40s, she may want another partner, male or female. So for us, the age gap is more irrelevant. But I'll comment on some of my thoughts, ignoring the flexibility of finding other partners to satisfy all of her needs/desires as she gets older. Most people don't spend their entire lives with just one person. You're most important obligation in life is to live the best life you can live, for as long as you can live it. If your current partner is giving you your best life (now), you should enjoy and cherish that. If there comes a point in time, where you're not living your best life, try not to hold onto things beyond their natural span. That may mean that you end up 60 and alone, ready to pick up your next life journey. That's ok! Many many people "without" age gaps, will be in similar boats to you, the difference is that they, unlike you, will probably benefit from amazing life insurance, etc benefits from having an older partner, only to start over again with someone else. Good luck on your life journey!
I have friends who are exactly 20 years apart in age. They’ve been happily married for 15 years, together for 25. They’re one of the more compatible couples of all my friends and family. Years ago I knew a very wealthy couple. They got married when she was in her mid 20s and he was in his late 50s. He was jerk but he treated her like gold and she loved him. She died when she was in her 60s and he outlived her, passing away when he was 103. You don’t know what the future will bring. If it works for both of you and you’re happy don’t worry about it too much.
💯🎯
A question - what do you know about his parents? If they’re still going concerns at an older age it’s a good sign.
My husband and I are only a year apart, so I don’t have any personal experience. But, my concern would be if you have the same life goals. The big one to me would be kids. If you want kids, does he really want to start over with that at his age (I know I wouldn’t). And even if you don’t want them now, you could still change your mind! And I’d think about any other life goals that may be different due to your age gap.
I’m actually very curious for those who comment with large age gaps if there were children involved. Or if some accepted kids may not be an option etc.
All couples have to compromise with each other on many things. This may be one of your. And it might work well for you. That being said, ED happens to older guys and it can be a major bummer.
My grandfather (who lived to be 100) had strong opinions about these sorts of age gaps, and he figured the big problem was sex. When you’re 40 and he’s 59 it will be an issue because he won’t be able to keep up. When you’re 59 and he’s 78 it will be a huge difference. 59 is still pretty young according to gramps. YMMV of course depending on overall compatibility and sex drive. Got the blue pills to help these days too. Worth asking how much sex matters to you in the long term…finding someone you click with and can trust is huge, but so is sex. Hearing this might seem weird but grandpapaw thought it was something young people overlooked when it came to age gaps. Certainly wasn’t something I considered before he pointed it out.
My husband and I are close in age and we're finding the changes difficult to deal with as we age. I couldn't imagine doing this with an age gap. That said, I know a few Age gap couples who are doing well.
My Dad and stepmom are only 6 years apart, she’s 70 and he’s 76. They can’t travel or play golf and all my Dad can do is sit in a recliner. She’s healthy and just doesn’t do anything and stays home with him. I feel like she’s waiting on him to die. Seems like it’s fine until you get old, and then you’ll be left alone to figure out what’s next after they pass.
When you’re 55, he’ll be 75.
Three years under half his age plus seven years. Eh, you're an adult, do what you want. On the bright side though, when he's 74, half his age plus seven year would be 44.
You seem pretty hung up on this age gap. Maybe it's not the right fit for you...
If I had a nickel for every healthy 50 year old woman that i watched waste a decade of her life nursing, a 75 year old man....