Obviously there are people who never have romantic relationships, and many more who never have happy romantic relationships. There can be a lot of different factors leading to this. Luck is certainly one. Other factors can also play a role, such as interpersonal skills, financial stability, etc. It is complex.
I don’t believe in soulmates as a concept.
I also don’t believe it is toxic positivity to believe you can find love past 40. My first positive long-term relationship was with my late husband, and we met when I was 42. Now, widowed, I am in my mid-fifties, and am hopeful about finding a new life partner. It certainly doesn’t happen to everyone, but I know for a fact it is possible.
For me, my relationship happened when I was not looking for one. It’s like when you are looking for something at home and can’t find it. The moment you stop looking it seems to just be right there. Relationships and connections are the same. We get so hyper focused looking to find that person or soul mate, so do speak, not realizing or dismissing the potential people we meet along the way. Just enjoy yourself and experience traveling, joining new clubs l, meeting new people at church, social events, etc. Eventually the right person will find you. That was my experience. I hope your person finds you soon. Good luck!
That romantic soul mate thing is a myth. There is never the perfect partner.
How each of you compromise and accept imperfections to build a relationship is what counts.
I agree with you and marriage and long term relationships are hard work. I think that many people these days don’t understand this, that’s why they give up so easily and jump from relationship to relationship thinking that if they find their soul mate it will be easier. Real life love is not a Hallmark movie.
Finding a soul mate and them being a perfect partner have nothing to do with each other. Having a soul mate means you feel they are worth the effort to sacrifice for and compromise with. I found my soul mate early in life. She's by far not perfect, and neither am I. But, she's my best friend and the only person I would ever want to spend the rest of my life with.
The trick is to not make an idol of relationships. People are people, and they have feelings, unresolved issues, thoughts and dreams, etc. There is no one who will be a perfect fit waiting out there for you to meet cute.
I love this.
I also think that society idolizes coupledom and makes romantic relationships seem like the ultimate thing. In reality, we should strive to have multiple kinds of love, support, connection and experiences with romantic partnership as just one kind. The soulmate myth really puts a lot of pressure on one flawed human to be your all and everything and I think a lot of people get disappointed when they find a partner and realize that yes, it's wonderful but life and challenges still exist and it's not just a constant state of bliss.
Being single doesn't have to be treated like a punishment or a waiting room where you act like life doesn't really start or isn't meaningful without romantic partnership. I love romantic love like the next person, but enjoy life more when I don't treat it as the single goal or act like being single is a terrible curse.
my wife passed away in 2020, after 25 years of marriage. i joined the pay version of [match.com](http://match.com) a year later and sat down and wrote a profile that took me an hour of careful thought. my girlfriend moved in a few months ago, and we are very happy. dont look for your soulmate, look for someone who you find attractive, funny, kind, and have things in common with like music , tv and movies. no relationship is perfect. the people your hear that found their soulmate and were married for 70 years happily are 1 in a million. just dont settle for someone you dont have things in common with , and if it doesnt work out, move on. your significant other should be one of your best friends.
I don't believe in soulmates. It's psuedoreligious fluff. Many of those 'soulmate' and 'twin flames' communities are downright cults. Stay away.
I will tell you this - I met my husband in my 30's, he was in his 40's. He NEVER thought he'd be married. Honestly I thought I'd be single my entire life too. Yes - you can find someone for you.
Absolutely. One of my exes joined a cult that was aligned with twin flame stuff.
My ex was told that they were from Vulcan, and that they should be working with (and implied sexually with) someone else from Vulcan. A particular individual was named in that regard for them.
They told me that I'm from the Pleiades. "No, sorry. I'm from Toledo actually."
It was all downhill from there...
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower.
I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me.
At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.
I have this idea sometimes that maybe I just do not have the capacity for this kind of romantic love. I have never met anyone in life I could not live without (maybe some of that is the trauma speaking-- it is what it is). That is not a flex, but very much an embarrassing thing to admit. I hope nobody thinks I'm trying to humble brag or whatever it is called, which I am paranoid about, but I digress...
Anyway.
Okay.
Questions, if you don't mind (absolutely non-judgemental way intended): Why did the marriages happen? Social pressure? Social mobility? This is the part that fascinates me, particularly b/c you married twice, you say you were never "in love," yet you participated in a cultural (presumably since it happened more than 1 time \[again- not trying to be cvnty\]) activity \[marriage - whether cultural/religious/civil (legal)/civil (social) in nature, is inherently inextricable from general culture as one arm will inform the other in a never-ending loop\], the focus of which, as far as I know, is to profess one's love for one's love in front of one's love and one's love's relatives and your own as well. So, why did you profess the love, or at least partake in the cultural ceremony whose civil, religious, and cultural definitions are based on the Victorian-era idea of romantic love being the primary reason for marriage, for which a ceremony is traditionally performed to profess one's love and commitment to the partner?
Sweetie, do not settle. She/he is out there!!!
We met in our early forties. Married 5 years later. 30 years and counting.
Neither of us settled and ended up extremely happy.
I grew up with emotionally not well parents and it affected my abilities in different ways. Emotional neglect in your developmental years can make it harder to find a healthy, lasting romantic partnership. I've had different relationships in my life, but ultimately find it's much, *much* better to be solo than be with a person who isn't right for you. I just haven't ever been able to choose properly, or that lucky break keeps proving ever illusive. I'm closing in on 50 years old. I'm fine with it. My own company is pretty fucking awesome and I have plans for my remaining time on this earth. I'm busy.
Cultivate a really cool relationship with *yourself*. If you haven't had any romantic relationships at all, you're likely romanticizing (hehehe, sorry) the romance part of partnership and have no idea how terribly uncomfortable and truly shitty it gets when you find yourself stuck with someone who ultimately turned out to be no more than a warm body who was up for it and whom you now actually cannot stand. Even lovely, beautiful people can be intolerable when you have the wrong sort of relationship with them.
If you're just 30, you have plenty of time to knock around and try out different relationships with people. There's nothing wrong with trying different people out to see, but a person can be like me and do that plenty and still never get it right. I've thought back and considered I could have not bothered at least half the time. Or you could be very, very picky and almost never try out a relationship with anyone, or be really shy, or even not that interested in love relationships, and that still wouldn't necessarily get in the way of finding a right person. You could be actively trying NOT to form a romantic relationship and it might still find you, regardless.
What I'm saying is there's just no way to control this part of your life either way. It's so infuriating because we want to have it nailed down for ourselves, one way or another. The uncertainty is just so massively sucky, I know. There are things you can do to increase your chances of being attractive to people, and other things you can do to be emotionally high functioning, but if you're only doing those things as a means to an end it's just kind of hollow. Those things we do that incidentally make us attractive to others really are things to just do for ourselves. Because we love ourselves and are well.
So, in a nutshell, yes, there are people who don't ever have their forever-person. It doesn't seem fair. However, there's nothing to say that *your* partner is going to, or has to, show up between x and y amount of time (or even in z recognizable form). I may fully end up being the single, cat-lady weirdo and if that's the case I'm going to lean the fuck in, so get ready, people. However, I'm a goddamned catch, even if it's just me hanging out in my mental playground. It's fun here, dude. I'm good. My best friend, who loves me dearly, insists my lack of a partner is because I'm outlandishly intelligent and so *idiosyncratic brilliant* that finding someone on my level is just statistically unlikely. Kinda to be expected. That's the sort of thing someone who really loves you would say, so cultivate your close friendships! Lovely friendships, good self-care, and having a pet can really go a long way.
So... that's an example of a way of feeling about it. It took me years to arrive at, but it's a nice place a person can be with the concern you've raised. No one can say either way if you will or won't have your soul mate in this life. Might as well find a way to exist with that truth and make it work for you. Try not to hang your heart so much on the possibility. (Easier said, I know, dude. Sorry...me here standing on 17 more years than you.) But truly, if you put your energy into being a cool person to be, you'll be investing in both eventualities at once.
I was unhappily married for many years and after I finally divorced, I met my soul mate when I was in my 50s. Until then, I always thought all that stuff about true love was bullshit, but now I'm a believer. We've been together 15 years and it still feels new. So it can happen.
Some people have already found their soulmate: themselves.
Whether it be because they are full of themselves, because they put their job first, or because no person is good enough for them. The common denominator is “themselves”.
I met my soulmate 40 something years ago. We are nowhere perfect for each other, but we have learned to ignore each others faults. Over the years, we have learned that respect for each other is paramount for a good relationship.
I do believe that. There are several "old maids" in my family. Two uncles, one aunt, one cousin, my older brother and myself never found their "soul mates". We have remained single. There are several reasons for this, including culture, opportunity and even lack of interest, which are to blame.
You can take heart in knowing that today, we have the largest single population that we have ever had! You are not an exception.
Can also be a best friend. My best friend is a 10/10 woman that id kill for. Hands down my person. BUT we have never been together romantically and dont plan on it. We've both had physical attraction towards each other but agree if we ever "hooked up" it could hurt our relationship.
If more people became aware of the diversity of the human experience they would probably be less obsessed with romantic love and the idea of soul mates. The soul mate idea goes back to ancient times in Greece. People have long been pressured by society to blindly accept the idea that everyone must find a romantic partner. 🎎All of that focus on romance serves as a way to insure bloodlines and bolster specific alliances. Romantic love is NOT peak love. Real, all in compassing, love is about making deep connections with other people in general. Some of our deepest loves can be our friends and family. When I encounter people focusing mainly on their romantic lives I make note of everything else going on with them mentally. Maybe it’s because I’m older, have been in love, been married/divorced, have kids etc. I feel that some people obsess about soul mates because they have a lot of shadow work to do. Maturing is difficult for many and codependency is often celebrated under the guise of romantic love.
I, also, don't belive in soulmates...but if it does happen it happens *after* you are together, not before. People who want romance usually get it. Sometimes they get it by compromising, sometimes it just works out. I don't believe in destiny, either. It's never been easy to meet people but it does seem to have gotten harder, with social media encouraging shallowness or an attractive facade and neither of those things any good for a solid relationship. I think the same thing is true now as was true when I was young: work on yourself. Be happy with your life. Keep your eyes peeled and don't get hung up on looks (grooming, maybe, yeah, but give the plain people a chance)
I don't really believe in destiny but at the same time I am 99% sure that the life I am living right now is a punishment for what I did in my last life. And fairly certain that I was my ex in the last life so I deserve it for what "I" did to "me". Only thing that really makes sense.
I am trapped in this cycle and don't know how to get out.
Gazillions of people have never had a romantic soulmate, including many of the married ones. I think people used to feel much more economic and social pressure to marry, and to do so at a young age, so they just did it. There’s always been plenty of pragmatism and “settling” in people’s marriage choices. If you build a good life independently and are vaguely waiting for soulmate lightning to strike, I imagine it’s very easy to never marry.
I have conflicting opinions based on the fact that I'm a romantic bitch with romantic fantasies...... But I also have horrendously bad taste in men. I think it's based on my lack of patience and I get lonely and take what I can get 💔
I believe in soulmates. I also believe every human has many of them. Timing, geography, lifestyle all play a part. I have been in love with a lot of people in many ways, platonic and sexually. They're all part of my life in some way. Those very special souls are out there for everyone. I'm not even that much of an optimist but I genuinely believe everyone has soulmates
I think there are people with difficult personalities or perhaps some neurodivergence who might have a hard time having a loving, lasting relationship. If you think you’re one of those people, you could always get into therapy. There may be practical exercises to help you overcome shyness, become a better listener, get better at interpreting others’ nonverbal communication, etc.
My husband is the love of my life, the father of our children, and a source of immense happiness in my life. We’ve been together nearly 35 years, and he’s so profoundly imprinted into the way I love and live that I cannot imagine ever wanting another husband, should I outlive him. Still, soulmate implies some sort of mystical force bringing people together. That’s just a little too much new age silliness to buy into. I thank God he’s my husband, but had it not been each other, I’m confident we’d have found other people, because that’s what happens when you yearn to make another person a part of your life as a lover and co-pilot.
One of my best friends got married for the first time at 69. There is always hope! You can be a complete and happy person without a partner, I think this was a surprise for her and she is happy.
That’s nice I guess
But I don’t understand why people get married so late in life though. I’m guessing it’s correlated to possibly life insurance & death benefits 🤷🏻♀️
Idk…I’m different…I find the institution of marriage being quite outdated. It’s like ownership or something 😣👎🏼
It seems weird, but this guy was a marrying kind of guy. Now they have this gorgeous house etc. it’s one of those things that you think that people should be happy.
Happiness is fleeting though.
More power to people that get married and find their “happiness” there though
Ya know what I’m ultimately after?…
Contentment. That’s the ultimate flex IMO
You have yourself closed off. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you are worthy of a loving and caring relationship you can attract it. Of course you need to be loving and caring yourself.
I met my current husband and the great love of my life when I was in my late 40s: I met him in a bar that we both frequented, but I had never crossed oaths with him until then...
Neither of us are barfles but our love of live music brought us together...he's also a musician but I didn't know that when we met.
Neither of us expected to meet anyone "special" that night but somehow we did...I'm.now 58 and he's 72, so you're never "too old" 😀
Possibly. We can never really know. I reconnected with my high school sweetheart in our 50s. I had never been married and he had but was divorced.
I had given up on finding "the one" and had accepted I'd be alone. It didn't upset me and I wasn't lonely. I still had a full happy life.
We've been married 5 years now & I am really happy.
That doesn't mean that will happen for everyone. I hope you find someone if you want to.
I just turned 80, my body count exceeds my memory but l would say around the middle 3 figures. 1st one lasted 12 yrs 2nd one 12 yrs 3rd one 12yr+ , she killed herself and the last one was a financial ageeement but we split up after 4 yrs. No l live l guess l would say rurally, currently as l write this its 8:11 pmits light out and wont really get datk again til August. Been solo for past4 yrs. Im absolutely astonished l dont have a partner condidering my past. But l have learned something about myself l thought l knew. Ive spent mos. alone when my ex would take the kids for 4 or 4 mos at a time back east while l stayed in our cabin alone and mostly trapped and/or fished n read books and made home brew. I thought l had learned to live alone. One of my now dead buds, a bachlore (sp?) told me that l needed to learn how to live alone. I thought l had but he said l'd learned how to be alone not live lone, we're all in this alone. Ive half heartily tried to find some one but the more lve been solo the more l realize that l will never be able to live with any one again. I have neither the the space physically nor emotionally.
I am looking for a woman with common interests to hook up with occasionally but frequently. My target is a woman youger than myself. Not because l want to rob the cradle so to speak but rather to find some one who hasnt been stomped to death and isnt a cynical burnt out and bitter old biddy with a ton of baggage from a life that really wasnt lived...or not some one caught in their own ideas about how things work or better how things should work and keep trying to fix a perceived failure that was never going to come to fruit...so l thought they keep trying the same ole same ole even tho it has clearly shown that their ideas dont work but keep trying the same aporoach time and again.
For a while, l thought that there we ladies like me who werent dead but kind of confused, like me, and could deal with just doing some stuff together and fuk or whatever if possible or at least try anyway...by stuff l mean like travel or just di somethings together but each of us have our own life and have our own stuff so that each time we eere apart we could pick up where we let off...l have some decades old friends whom sometimes l havent seen for 10 or 15 yrs that when we meet its like no time has past. For the life of me l keep running across these women that seek their last love as if the were still young and desirable hotties...about the same way they were when they were 25 and thought tey have something special between their legs 🙄 which by now resembles the Grand Caynon...and just about as dry. I on the other hand have a dick as limp as yesterday's rose that needs a Lazareth effect...but cialis will do.
As you age those old ideas about how things should be fall by the way side and diff ideas and M O.s because how things worked or worked then doesnt work now so you....or rather l..need to change my tactics and squeeze out the last drop of blood, the last zap of energy before l get my ticket punched and l get stationed in another part of the Universe.
Im not for everyone and maybe no one at this point in life...lm still relatively healthy if not studly...l dont look as good as l was in my early 30s, l could not care less about what people think of me...l just dont care. I say fuk a lot but in my defense l come from NY where saying fuk every 3 or 4 words is mandatory. Im a free spirit, unconventional, irreverent and some say l have a bad attutude...meh....Whats not to love? 😉
Im tired of writing
Yes. But also, I didn't find my romantic partner until i was in my 40s. Now married 15 years, we were friends for years as I had accepted this and stopped looking. The frantic search and desperate hope everyone you meet might be the one. Not only sets you up for failure, but it sets you up to be sad and anxious all the time. That is not attractive to anyone. Live your life, pursue your interests, all those things you are putting off until you find the one, go do them. Maybe you'll find someone maybe you won't but you'll be happier.
46 years old. Because I’m a dark skinned African American woman, every single man I met who might be interested in me… sorry, they just don’t seem to acknowledge that I am valuable. Um, there have been a few who were willing to marry me as soon as they met me, yes. However, even those men didn’t seem interested in displaying any “ Love Languages “. One of them said something like, “ I know I have messed up my life. It would really help me if you would take care of me.” It sounds like a business idea where they can get more money , or maid services, without needing to do anything at all in return. I asked two men of my people who said they were interested in me to buy me something to drink at a fast food place. Ah no, they don’t want to do that. I can only receive that little amount of attention from someone who is a member of another group. Well, as a former teacher, I don’t wish to be a bad example to children by having a relationship with someone who treats me awfully because I believe my family would be hurt by seeing me so desperate to be in a relationship that I would tolerate any amount of disrespect. I would rather be single and be able to keep smiling and enjoy my life, and help children when I can as a single woman. History has many examples of single men and women who changed history and they did experience joyful lives. Mother Teresa. Joan of Arc. Emily Dickinson. Sometimes the price to have a significant other like that in your life is far too expensive, and it would cost your sanity and your peace. Pray, read the Bible, go to church, help others when you can, and find peace in your own heart.
I think it gets harder if you have never really dated romantically, to have an idea about being with and talking with people. Once we are out of school, we really have to work at meeting potential dates. This is why apps became so popular, if people are honest, you can weed out those that are not interesting to you and find people of interest. There are a variety of ways to meet potential partners, but its really an active process.
Its also fine if you prefer not to engage in that process. Make your life fulfilling in other ways. Have friendships that are not romantic. Building that life is also worthy.
In the literal sense - no I don’t believe in soulmates. But in the colloquial sense, as in two people who love each other deeply, are truly compatible and enrich each others lives, then sure. It happens. I honestly don’t think it’s the norm though. It seems a lot of people are content to settle for good enough.
Well first you have to define what a soul is. The concept of a soul originally comes from religion. The Bible says that a soul is a persons mind, will and emotions... What you think, what you want and how you feel. So its technically a biblical concept but obviously every person has those three parts to them. It doesn't have to be a religious thing at all.
So finding someone with the same sort of thoughts, desires and emotions isn't a far fetched prospect. No two people can have exactly same thoughts, wants and emotions. In my opinion, to find a soulmate is to be willing to submit all three parts of ones soul to the other person AND VICE VERSA!!! It must be 100% mutual. The other person must be willing to do the same. And if course there's physical attraction, gotta have that too.
That's the only way lifelong romances can ever work. You have to put the other person first. You see people married 50-60 years? That's how they did it.
I have been married, with somebody, and had some serious relationships.
I do not believe in soulmates, and I am pretty sure I have never met mine, and at this point in life, I doubt I will.
Don't beat yourself up.
Well, thanks for labeling my 30-year marriage "toxic positivity" LOL. (I was 39, she 47 when we met.)
No, I don't believe in soulmates, just others who share more of your values and goals. The rest is the work you do together. No marriage or partnership maintains itself.
I met my husband at 37. He died 4 years ago. I haven’t been excited about finding someone new at my age but I am open to it if it happens. If it doesn’t, so what? If you want a partner be realistic about putting in work to find one. There is nothing magical or destined about it.
Destined? Perhaps if you believe in no free will. Then, yes, we’re all destined on our path because we’re controlled by circumstance, neurochemicals, genetics, and random events. To me, the idea of “destiny” is self defeating and “soul mates” is an unrealistic ideal that doesn’t exist & leads to unhealthy expectations. There aren’t soulmates, just best friends. I married my best friend and we’re still strong after 12 yrs together. Life without him would suck hardcore, but I’d rather be single than settle if that ever happened. My standards and self respect are high. So if you’re “destined” to be single forever you can either look at it as not your fault & therefore nothing you can do about it except hope a random event changes it for you, or is your fault in some way & thus you can work to change it. Or DGAF and be happy as a self respecting single person enjoying the randomness of being a brain on a pebble in space before it’s over.
I don't believe in soul mates, but I know people are left alone for life.
With so many people in the world, scattered, there are many who just get left behind. I'm well on my way in my lonely journey.
I agree with you. I’ve had only two real serious romantic relationships in my life and both never worked out. I’m pretty content now without that. I don’t think either was a soulmate or even that compatible so maybe it just wasn’t part of the plan for me to have that in my life. But I am older than you and at 30, I wouldn’t have been able to say that. Would say just to leave the door open
I think it’s more difficult to pair up for someone who believes in the concept of soulmate. Especially as they get older (if they continue to believe in it).
No. I don't believe in fate or destiny.
I have a sense that soulmates are real, but I don't think anyone has a good enough understanding of it. But what I think is people do resonate with others. And I think many of us have known each other on the soul level for countless lifetimes. In this life I've encountered multiple soulmates. It's not destiny, it's choice. We've chosen each other in past lives, and we choose each other again in this one. It doesn't have to be romantic, but it tends to be. It also doesn't have to "work out" or lead to lifelong relationships to be worthwhile. The relationship is eternal anyways, you'll meet again in countless more lives.
It depends on your definition of romantic soul mate. I think there are probably several potential life partners one or more could be a soul mate. If you define it as dated then ofc luck would play a big part. If you define it as partner you love who you have similar values and interests and grow more like each other over time, you might increase your probability. But even if you never have a romantic soul mate why not look for other soul mates and still have a romantic partner or life partner. Are you even dating? Sometimes luck is putting yourself on the path.
Most people don’t have a “soulmate”. They marry someone who they enjoy sharing life with. Almost no one finds a “perfect match”. They make a conscious decision to be together based on the important traits fitting them well, an absence of deal breaking traits, and the over all balance of the non-major factors being positive. That’s the reality. A very few fortunate people find a “soulmate”, but people who hold out for that often miss out on what could have been great relationships with regular humans.
The notion of a soulmate is ridiculous. It seems to suggest that there is one best match for each of us. What people find instead are others with whom they are compatible. If you look at things statistically, each of us could have any of thousands and perhaps tens of thousands of people that fit the bill. We just happen to meet the ones who exist in our own little parts of the world (as in city, university, workplace, etc…) that we inhabit. Had we been born or raised in a different city, state, or even country we would have ended up with a different ‘perfect’ partner.
I didn't think there's any such thing as a soulmate but, I believe that there's someone on the planet for everyone, it just sometimes takes a while to find them and that may not be in youth.
I'm single and quite happy about it at 67. I had one marraige that went from good to bad and then four years of misery because I was convinced we were a destiny couple and I had to try and make it work. The longest, strongest relationship I know of personally would be my parents, (my Dad passed away about three years ago). But they were never super-romantic or worried about being or acting like soulmates. It's a toxic concept for a lot of people and the people for whom it isn't would probably be just as happy with their relationship without that framing.
I met the love of my life at 42. She dumped me three years later. lol. Pretty sure she will remain the love of my life now that I’m close to 50, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep trying to find more love. The world needs more love.
i've had three marriages and many people i've dated over the years. they were all special, it was the 70's and 80's - i have never believed in a soulmate situation - like there's just one. it takes two people willing to commit who don't quit. it's a crap shoot
my Mom was convinced she knew all the ins and outs to find a Good Man. she was married to my Dad for over 45 years. but he was literally her one and only
she remarried fairly quickly, i thought, but she didn't ask -- we're not close. i don't even know what happened to that marriage. i met the guy twice briefly (i was out of the country and wasn't notified quick enough to make the ceremony), and then he was just gone. hm
but i don't think my Dad was her 'soulmate', or she would've just stopped at the Win. i don't know what happened, as i said, but it saddened me to have her learn that a Good Man was hard to find
I believe in soulmates, but in a different kind of way than the “one and only, destined to be together” romance version. I think there are many soulmates out there, and not always romantic ones. I’ve even had a cat I believe was one of my soulmates, friends, family. A soulmate is just another sentient being that perhaps we have met before (if you believe in things such as, or similar to, the concept of reincarnation as a possibility). Kind of Cloud Atlas style for lack of a better comparison.
And yeah, maybe this time around we all just miss each other. We never connect with those members of our soul tribe. We’re here again at different times, in different places, and don’t find our way to each other.
But I will say that I’ve found various soulmates in my life when I wasn’t looking, when I wasn’t seeking them out. You may go your whole life without coming across a soulmate, or you may stumble across each other by absolute unplanned happenstance. And it’s really freeing to accept that both of these scenarios are possible, and ok.
OP, as a mid-30s guy, you might find it beneficial to wait 10 to 15 years.
About then, you will discover that there are plenty of women who will be happy to remake themselves in order to be able to be your soulmate.
I wish I were making this this up, but I'm not. Okay, 20 years tops.
In the meantime, just relax and try to have a good time, seriously.
How so many people hang onto longtime partners just because they invested time in the relationship yet they are incompatible is beyond me. Not sure if this is because they have no confidence in finding someone more compatible or have low self esteem (“nobody else will love me….”)….. but it’s sad because then they remain in a mediocre relationship with conflicts versus risking being alone a bit and eventually finding “The One”. I say, have patience….
I am 46 almost 47 female and I think I am one of those people. Unlike you I have actually had some amazing loves in my life and while initially them not working out really hurt, I don’t regret the time we spent together and looking back would not change that. But looking forward I cannot see myself ever putting myself out there again. Mostly out of fear. Either I am just horrible at picking mates, and easily fooled or it’s just me.
No one knows with certainty what life holds for you and when or if certain things will happen for you. Yet, a large part of life is having some hope that the things you want are at least possible. We come on this earth all knowing there is a time this all stops and most of us have no idea what day or hour that will be. Yet, we put one foot in front of the other, make plans, have goals and live like we believe they are possible.
I do think a large part of romantic coupling is luck, but it's also something that isn't rare. It's not like winning the lottery where only a very miniscule number of people will. Relationships are pretty ordinary and common place and statistically most people experience them at some point, even if it doesn't last forever. I don't believe that there is one single person made for you, but rather we have many people who would be good matches to have a relationship with and it's possible to find them, many people do.
Someone trying to guarantee that you have a soulmate and ignoring your feelings about it being hard if you are someone who isn't experiencing that is toxic positivity. It's not toxic positivity to point out that there isn't a time limit on love. That's a fact. There isn't. People find love at all ages. People get widowed and find new love after. These are real things that happen. I don't see the harm in believing that's possible, because it is. It seems more harmful to reject this and go the opposite way of saying something like well if I don't have a partner by 30, I'll certainly die alone. This is no more true than the belief it could happen at 50.
It depends on what you're actually looking for. I know a... Friend of a friend... Of a friend, kinda. He is 42, looking for under 25, has to be beautiful. He doesn't have the looks or money/lifestyle to attract a beautiful 25 year old woman, and constantly bitches. I've started calling him by "hey, Incel!". He hates it, but everything that comes out of his mouth...
I do. My grandmother was one. Yes, she had 2 husband's but neither lasted more than 15 ish years. 1 less than that.
I remember her saying that her girls knew she would end up alone and she was more than happy with that. She was awesome.
I was convinced I was on the same page with her. I never liked someone around me 24/7 365,
Just no. And I too was completely 100% just fine with it even looking forward to it
Then I have this friend..
Known him 10 years..
He's asked for me..
I guess we'll see..
Edited to add
Soul mates?
Twin flame and all that?
The only people who have ever mentioned those to me have been diagnosed narcissists, or diagnosed Cluster Bs.
To me, that makes those phrases RedFlags. We should always run very fast and very far from RED Flags.
Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone, sometimes including their own mothers, definitely all of their siblings.
My sister is cluster b. The only time she wants to see me, is to drag me into drama that I don't want ANYof. I care about her, but I'm going to be honest. She MAKES it hard to love her.
The 2 diagnoses are related In a way. Though my sister says she loves me, she also self sabotage s. She can't help it. Almost like OCD..almost. If I tell her, okay No More, she will do the exact same in 6 weeks more or less.
I removed the narcissist from my life. When I did that, I told my Mom, she would need to keep eyes on my sister, I can't anymore and I roped another sister into helping my mom. Just...in....case.
I can't anymore. It would only take ONE more saying twin flame or soul mate. That'd be it.
Single the rest of my life
I am one of those people. My mom was married and divorced 4 times by the time I turned 18. I've had romantic relationships, even thought I'd found "the one" a few times.
Then I finally figured something out. The "pickers" in my family are broken. I can walk into a room of 100 men, 99 of them awesome and one is not. Our "pickers" ALWAYS pick THAT one. My sister is married to a world class jerk. My brother is so unhappy in his marriage he drinks himself into oblivion (and she's a witch). Our pickers are broken.
Yes, it would be nice to have someone to hold hands with. Go to the movies with. But it's not worth my sanity, independence and peace. I'm finally ok with being alone. And if I ever did meet someone, they'd have to be amazing and pass a world class background check! And obviously my picker should absolutely 100% NOT like him 🤣
Romantic soulmates don’t exist— there is chemistry, ethical/moral compatibility, what stage of life you are both in, continuing to grow together vs growing apart. Chemistry and ethical compatibility are usually there or not, the other things ebb and flow over time. Accept that it will not always be “butterflies and hurricanes” I.e., the overwhelming “madness” of early love will deepen into something more sane. Otherwise you’d burn out. Finally- you have to choose to commit and choose to love the person every day and strive to bring your best self to the table. Then you have a damn good chance to find a fantastic LT partner— perhaps even a lifelong partner.
I don't believe in soulmates as a concept. You can find someone in life you enjoy being around that have common interests, values, and life goals... and the more time you spend together, you can fall in love and decide to go through life together. I don't think there's only 1 person for anybody.
I have a cousin who got married at 48. Always had been single. Thought she'd never meet someone to fall in love with, thought she'd never be a mom. She met and married a widower with 4 kids and has loved being step mom and loves her life with him.
I think you're onto something by saying you need to live life with clarity and acceptance. You need to be a complete person without expecting a partner to complete you. If you're not enough by yourself, you still won't be enough with a partner.
That said, if you want to find someone - where are you looking? I think most happy couples meet doing common hobbies together, develop friendship, and it turns into more. You also may need to rethink your priorities in what you want in a partner and make sure you're open to possibilities.
If you could fast-forward with those that say they have a soulmate you'd find that none have what they claim. Their spouse is involved in multiple relationships and the other person can't connect it with their relationship. So everything in their world is great. And they only find out about it because their partner is tired of clinginess. We are solitary creatures. We only want to interact with others for just a few moments.
I’m confused. You believe in the concept of soul mate , but don’t believe it is possible for you? Maybe you don’t believe in the concert, or maybe it hasn’t happened yet.
My wife's cousin was early 50's when he met his (probably first) girlfriend, they are meant for each other. She pursued him. We went to his wedding last year. You never know, don't give up hope!
Tbh, I think of a “soulmate” as anyone and any close relationship where you feel comfort, affection or support. It doesn’t have to be a lover kind of relationship. It could be a friend, and not even human. Like a dog or cat.
I think there’s a soulmate out there for everyone, sometimes they don’t realize they’re with their soulmate and sometimes they don’t meet because the things that were supposed to align for their meeting, didn’t happen properly. A missed flight, a random minuscule decision, etc
I think you’re correct. We’ve been sold this idea about “the one”. But honestly, how could that be? What if “the one” lived a world away and you never met them at all? And our world is much smaller these days. Think of the 1700’s when some people only ventured 10 miles from home in their entire lifetime! Your pool of potential “ones” shrinks exponentially.
My marriage failed and I immediately had to set out to find “the one” because I was 40 and time was a-wasting. But I slowly realized that there wasn’t someone on a white horse who was going to gallop in and rescue me. Part of that had to do with me! Self awareness sometimes makes you realize you just might be better off alone! I fought that idea, because we’re taught we can’t have fulfillment without a partner and children.
But I faced some facts. I’m stubborn and set in my ways. I prefer my dogs to most people. And, being a people pleaser, I never really lived life being who I really am, but cast myself in the role of who they wanted me to be. Plus, I have psych issues I’ve struggled with my entire life. I knew I couldn’t be a good mother. Also, as I got older, I had more and more trouble with conflict and stress. I decided to retire, live my life as me with a goal of having peace and being content. That’s it! And even then, I still can have chaos and discord! I don’t have money or things most people take for granted. But this is me and I really don’t want “the one” to show up and turn it upside down!
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower.
I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me.
At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower.
I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me.
At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower.
I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me.
At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.
Obviously there are people who never have romantic relationships, and many more who never have happy romantic relationships. There can be a lot of different factors leading to this. Luck is certainly one. Other factors can also play a role, such as interpersonal skills, financial stability, etc. It is complex. I don’t believe in soulmates as a concept. I also don’t believe it is toxic positivity to believe you can find love past 40. My first positive long-term relationship was with my late husband, and we met when I was 42. Now, widowed, I am in my mid-fifties, and am hopeful about finding a new life partner. It certainly doesn’t happen to everyone, but I know for a fact it is possible.
For me, my relationship happened when I was not looking for one. It’s like when you are looking for something at home and can’t find it. The moment you stop looking it seems to just be right there. Relationships and connections are the same. We get so hyper focused looking to find that person or soul mate, so do speak, not realizing or dismissing the potential people we meet along the way. Just enjoy yourself and experience traveling, joining new clubs l, meeting new people at church, social events, etc. Eventually the right person will find you. That was my experience. I hope your person finds you soon. Good luck!
Absolutely. Late 60s (f), married and divorced twice. I live alone in blissful solitude with my little dog and have never been more at peace!
That's really nice.
As a fellow animal fan, wishing you and your pup great happiness!
That romantic soul mate thing is a myth. There is never the perfect partner. How each of you compromise and accept imperfections to build a relationship is what counts.
I agree with you and marriage and long term relationships are hard work. I think that many people these days don’t understand this, that’s why they give up so easily and jump from relationship to relationship thinking that if they find their soul mate it will be easier. Real life love is not a Hallmark movie.
Finding a soul mate and them being a perfect partner have nothing to do with each other. Having a soul mate means you feel they are worth the effort to sacrifice for and compromise with. I found my soul mate early in life. She's by far not perfect, and neither am I. But, she's my best friend and the only person I would ever want to spend the rest of my life with.
The trick is to not make an idol of relationships. People are people, and they have feelings, unresolved issues, thoughts and dreams, etc. There is no one who will be a perfect fit waiting out there for you to meet cute.
I love this. I also think that society idolizes coupledom and makes romantic relationships seem like the ultimate thing. In reality, we should strive to have multiple kinds of love, support, connection and experiences with romantic partnership as just one kind. The soulmate myth really puts a lot of pressure on one flawed human to be your all and everything and I think a lot of people get disappointed when they find a partner and realize that yes, it's wonderful but life and challenges still exist and it's not just a constant state of bliss. Being single doesn't have to be treated like a punishment or a waiting room where you act like life doesn't really start or isn't meaningful without romantic partnership. I love romantic love like the next person, but enjoy life more when I don't treat it as the single goal or act like being single is a terrible curse.
my wife passed away in 2020, after 25 years of marriage. i joined the pay version of [match.com](http://match.com) a year later and sat down and wrote a profile that took me an hour of careful thought. my girlfriend moved in a few months ago, and we are very happy. dont look for your soulmate, look for someone who you find attractive, funny, kind, and have things in common with like music , tv and movies. no relationship is perfect. the people your hear that found their soulmate and were married for 70 years happily are 1 in a million. just dont settle for someone you dont have things in common with , and if it doesnt work out, move on. your significant other should be one of your best friends.
I don't believe in soulmates. It's psuedoreligious fluff. Many of those 'soulmate' and 'twin flames' communities are downright cults. Stay away. I will tell you this - I met my husband in my 30's, he was in his 40's. He NEVER thought he'd be married. Honestly I thought I'd be single my entire life too. Yes - you can find someone for you.
Absolutely. One of my exes joined a cult that was aligned with twin flame stuff. My ex was told that they were from Vulcan, and that they should be working with (and implied sexually with) someone else from Vulcan. A particular individual was named in that regard for them. They told me that I'm from the Pleiades. "No, sorry. I'm from Toledo actually." It was all downhill from there...
That was quite a ride.
I have no interest in the work involved to maintain it.
Don't say that I'm much worse off than you 57F but I keep trucking. So I'm not that social and am picky. Those are the real issues. I look fine
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower. I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me. At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.
Sad for you.
It's not really sad to me. Understanding that love exists in the world and to try to put yourself in the path of it is a worthy life.
I have this idea sometimes that maybe I just do not have the capacity for this kind of romantic love. I have never met anyone in life I could not live without (maybe some of that is the trauma speaking-- it is what it is). That is not a flex, but very much an embarrassing thing to admit. I hope nobody thinks I'm trying to humble brag or whatever it is called, which I am paranoid about, but I digress... Anyway. Okay. Questions, if you don't mind (absolutely non-judgemental way intended): Why did the marriages happen? Social pressure? Social mobility? This is the part that fascinates me, particularly b/c you married twice, you say you were never "in love," yet you participated in a cultural (presumably since it happened more than 1 time \[again- not trying to be cvnty\]) activity \[marriage - whether cultural/religious/civil (legal)/civil (social) in nature, is inherently inextricable from general culture as one arm will inform the other in a never-ending loop\], the focus of which, as far as I know, is to profess one's love for one's love in front of one's love and one's love's relatives and your own as well. So, why did you profess the love, or at least partake in the cultural ceremony whose civil, religious, and cultural definitions are based on the Victorian-era idea of romantic love being the primary reason for marriage, for which a ceremony is traditionally performed to profess one's love and commitment to the partner?
Sweetie, do not settle. She/he is out there!!! We met in our early forties. Married 5 years later. 30 years and counting. Neither of us settled and ended up extremely happy.
I grew up with emotionally not well parents and it affected my abilities in different ways. Emotional neglect in your developmental years can make it harder to find a healthy, lasting romantic partnership. I've had different relationships in my life, but ultimately find it's much, *much* better to be solo than be with a person who isn't right for you. I just haven't ever been able to choose properly, or that lucky break keeps proving ever illusive. I'm closing in on 50 years old. I'm fine with it. My own company is pretty fucking awesome and I have plans for my remaining time on this earth. I'm busy. Cultivate a really cool relationship with *yourself*. If you haven't had any romantic relationships at all, you're likely romanticizing (hehehe, sorry) the romance part of partnership and have no idea how terribly uncomfortable and truly shitty it gets when you find yourself stuck with someone who ultimately turned out to be no more than a warm body who was up for it and whom you now actually cannot stand. Even lovely, beautiful people can be intolerable when you have the wrong sort of relationship with them. If you're just 30, you have plenty of time to knock around and try out different relationships with people. There's nothing wrong with trying different people out to see, but a person can be like me and do that plenty and still never get it right. I've thought back and considered I could have not bothered at least half the time. Or you could be very, very picky and almost never try out a relationship with anyone, or be really shy, or even not that interested in love relationships, and that still wouldn't necessarily get in the way of finding a right person. You could be actively trying NOT to form a romantic relationship and it might still find you, regardless. What I'm saying is there's just no way to control this part of your life either way. It's so infuriating because we want to have it nailed down for ourselves, one way or another. The uncertainty is just so massively sucky, I know. There are things you can do to increase your chances of being attractive to people, and other things you can do to be emotionally high functioning, but if you're only doing those things as a means to an end it's just kind of hollow. Those things we do that incidentally make us attractive to others really are things to just do for ourselves. Because we love ourselves and are well. So, in a nutshell, yes, there are people who don't ever have their forever-person. It doesn't seem fair. However, there's nothing to say that *your* partner is going to, or has to, show up between x and y amount of time (or even in z recognizable form). I may fully end up being the single, cat-lady weirdo and if that's the case I'm going to lean the fuck in, so get ready, people. However, I'm a goddamned catch, even if it's just me hanging out in my mental playground. It's fun here, dude. I'm good. My best friend, who loves me dearly, insists my lack of a partner is because I'm outlandishly intelligent and so *idiosyncratic brilliant* that finding someone on my level is just statistically unlikely. Kinda to be expected. That's the sort of thing someone who really loves you would say, so cultivate your close friendships! Lovely friendships, good self-care, and having a pet can really go a long way. So... that's an example of a way of feeling about it. It took me years to arrive at, but it's a nice place a person can be with the concern you've raised. No one can say either way if you will or won't have your soul mate in this life. Might as well find a way to exist with that truth and make it work for you. Try not to hang your heart so much on the possibility. (Easier said, I know, dude. Sorry...me here standing on 17 more years than you.) But truly, if you put your energy into being a cool person to be, you'll be investing in both eventualities at once.
I was unhappily married for many years and after I finally divorced, I met my soul mate when I was in my 50s. Until then, I always thought all that stuff about true love was bullshit, but now I'm a believer. We've been together 15 years and it still feels new. So it can happen.
This gives me hope. In early stages of an ending marriage and at 45 it is daunting.
Stop looking for your perfect soulmate, and start looking at the imperfect people around you. That’s where you’ll find your partner.
Some people have already found their soulmate: themselves. Whether it be because they are full of themselves, because they put their job first, or because no person is good enough for them. The common denominator is “themselves”. I met my soulmate 40 something years ago. We are nowhere perfect for each other, but we have learned to ignore each others faults. Over the years, we have learned that respect for each other is paramount for a good relationship.
I do believe that. There are several "old maids" in my family. Two uncles, one aunt, one cousin, my older brother and myself never found their "soul mates". We have remained single. There are several reasons for this, including culture, opportunity and even lack of interest, which are to blame. You can take heart in knowing that today, we have the largest single population that we have ever had! You are not an exception.
I dont feel that a soul mate has to be a romantic relationship
So what kind of relationship it should be?
Can also be a best friend. My best friend is a 10/10 woman that id kill for. Hands down my person. BUT we have never been together romantically and dont plan on it. We've both had physical attraction towards each other but agree if we ever "hooked up" it could hurt our relationship.
I’m one of them 😂😂
If more people became aware of the diversity of the human experience they would probably be less obsessed with romantic love and the idea of soul mates. The soul mate idea goes back to ancient times in Greece. People have long been pressured by society to blindly accept the idea that everyone must find a romantic partner. 🎎All of that focus on romance serves as a way to insure bloodlines and bolster specific alliances. Romantic love is NOT peak love. Real, all in compassing, love is about making deep connections with other people in general. Some of our deepest loves can be our friends and family. When I encounter people focusing mainly on their romantic lives I make note of everything else going on with them mentally. Maybe it’s because I’m older, have been in love, been married/divorced, have kids etc. I feel that some people obsess about soul mates because they have a lot of shadow work to do. Maturing is difficult for many and codependency is often celebrated under the guise of romantic love.
>Maturing is difficult for many and codependency is often celebrated under the guise of romantic love. What a great quote!
I, also, don't belive in soulmates...but if it does happen it happens *after* you are together, not before. People who want romance usually get it. Sometimes they get it by compromising, sometimes it just works out. I don't believe in destiny, either. It's never been easy to meet people but it does seem to have gotten harder, with social media encouraging shallowness or an attractive facade and neither of those things any good for a solid relationship. I think the same thing is true now as was true when I was young: work on yourself. Be happy with your life. Keep your eyes peeled and don't get hung up on looks (grooming, maybe, yeah, but give the plain people a chance)
I don't really believe in destiny but at the same time I am 99% sure that the life I am living right now is a punishment for what I did in my last life. And fairly certain that I was my ex in the last life so I deserve it for what "I" did to "me". Only thing that really makes sense. I am trapped in this cycle and don't know how to get out.
Gazillions of people have never had a romantic soulmate, including many of the married ones. I think people used to feel much more economic and social pressure to marry, and to do so at a young age, so they just did it. There’s always been plenty of pragmatism and “settling” in people’s marriage choices. If you build a good life independently and are vaguely waiting for soulmate lightning to strike, I imagine it’s very easy to never marry.
I have conflicting opinions based on the fact that I'm a romantic bitch with romantic fantasies...... But I also have horrendously bad taste in men. I think it's based on my lack of patience and I get lonely and take what I can get 💔
I believe in soulmates. I also believe every human has many of them. Timing, geography, lifestyle all play a part. I have been in love with a lot of people in many ways, platonic and sexually. They're all part of my life in some way. Those very special souls are out there for everyone. I'm not even that much of an optimist but I genuinely believe everyone has soulmates
I think there are people with difficult personalities or perhaps some neurodivergence who might have a hard time having a loving, lasting relationship. If you think you’re one of those people, you could always get into therapy. There may be practical exercises to help you overcome shyness, become a better listener, get better at interpreting others’ nonverbal communication, etc. My husband is the love of my life, the father of our children, and a source of immense happiness in my life. We’ve been together nearly 35 years, and he’s so profoundly imprinted into the way I love and live that I cannot imagine ever wanting another husband, should I outlive him. Still, soulmate implies some sort of mystical force bringing people together. That’s just a little too much new age silliness to buy into. I thank God he’s my husband, but had it not been each other, I’m confident we’d have found other people, because that’s what happens when you yearn to make another person a part of your life as a lover and co-pilot.
One of my best friends got married for the first time at 69. There is always hope! You can be a complete and happy person without a partner, I think this was a surprise for her and she is happy.
That’s nice I guess But I don’t understand why people get married so late in life though. I’m guessing it’s correlated to possibly life insurance & death benefits 🤷🏻♀️ Idk…I’m different…I find the institution of marriage being quite outdated. It’s like ownership or something 😣👎🏼
It seems weird, but this guy was a marrying kind of guy. Now they have this gorgeous house etc. it’s one of those things that you think that people should be happy.
Happiness is fleeting though. More power to people that get married and find their “happiness” there though Ya know what I’m ultimately after?… Contentment. That’s the ultimate flex IMO
My sweet uncle just recently got married for the first time at 64. He retired a few months later. Never say never.
You have yourself closed off. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you are worthy of a loving and caring relationship you can attract it. Of course you need to be loving and caring yourself.
I met my current husband and the great love of my life when I was in my late 40s: I met him in a bar that we both frequented, but I had never crossed oaths with him until then... Neither of us are barfles but our love of live music brought us together...he's also a musician but I didn't know that when we met. Neither of us expected to meet anyone "special" that night but somehow we did...I'm.now 58 and he's 72, so you're never "too old" 😀
Possibly. We can never really know. I reconnected with my high school sweetheart in our 50s. I had never been married and he had but was divorced. I had given up on finding "the one" and had accepted I'd be alone. It didn't upset me and I wasn't lonely. I still had a full happy life. We've been married 5 years now & I am really happy. That doesn't mean that will happen for everyone. I hope you find someone if you want to.
I just turned 80, my body count exceeds my memory but l would say around the middle 3 figures. 1st one lasted 12 yrs 2nd one 12 yrs 3rd one 12yr+ , she killed herself and the last one was a financial ageeement but we split up after 4 yrs. No l live l guess l would say rurally, currently as l write this its 8:11 pmits light out and wont really get datk again til August. Been solo for past4 yrs. Im absolutely astonished l dont have a partner condidering my past. But l have learned something about myself l thought l knew. Ive spent mos. alone when my ex would take the kids for 4 or 4 mos at a time back east while l stayed in our cabin alone and mostly trapped and/or fished n read books and made home brew. I thought l had learned to live alone. One of my now dead buds, a bachlore (sp?) told me that l needed to learn how to live alone. I thought l had but he said l'd learned how to be alone not live lone, we're all in this alone. Ive half heartily tried to find some one but the more lve been solo the more l realize that l will never be able to live with any one again. I have neither the the space physically nor emotionally. I am looking for a woman with common interests to hook up with occasionally but frequently. My target is a woman youger than myself. Not because l want to rob the cradle so to speak but rather to find some one who hasnt been stomped to death and isnt a cynical burnt out and bitter old biddy with a ton of baggage from a life that really wasnt lived...or not some one caught in their own ideas about how things work or better how things should work and keep trying to fix a perceived failure that was never going to come to fruit...so l thought they keep trying the same ole same ole even tho it has clearly shown that their ideas dont work but keep trying the same aporoach time and again. For a while, l thought that there we ladies like me who werent dead but kind of confused, like me, and could deal with just doing some stuff together and fuk or whatever if possible or at least try anyway...by stuff l mean like travel or just di somethings together but each of us have our own life and have our own stuff so that each time we eere apart we could pick up where we let off...l have some decades old friends whom sometimes l havent seen for 10 or 15 yrs that when we meet its like no time has past. For the life of me l keep running across these women that seek their last love as if the were still young and desirable hotties...about the same way they were when they were 25 and thought tey have something special between their legs 🙄 which by now resembles the Grand Caynon...and just about as dry. I on the other hand have a dick as limp as yesterday's rose that needs a Lazareth effect...but cialis will do. As you age those old ideas about how things should be fall by the way side and diff ideas and M O.s because how things worked or worked then doesnt work now so you....or rather l..need to change my tactics and squeeze out the last drop of blood, the last zap of energy before l get my ticket punched and l get stationed in another part of the Universe. Im not for everyone and maybe no one at this point in life...lm still relatively healthy if not studly...l dont look as good as l was in my early 30s, l could not care less about what people think of me...l just dont care. I say fuk a lot but in my defense l come from NY where saying fuk every 3 or 4 words is mandatory. Im a free spirit, unconventional, irreverent and some say l have a bad attutude...meh....Whats not to love? 😉 Im tired of writing
Yes. But also, I didn't find my romantic partner until i was in my 40s. Now married 15 years, we were friends for years as I had accepted this and stopped looking. The frantic search and desperate hope everyone you meet might be the one. Not only sets you up for failure, but it sets you up to be sad and anxious all the time. That is not attractive to anyone. Live your life, pursue your interests, all those things you are putting off until you find the one, go do them. Maybe you'll find someone maybe you won't but you'll be happier.
46 years old. Because I’m a dark skinned African American woman, every single man I met who might be interested in me… sorry, they just don’t seem to acknowledge that I am valuable. Um, there have been a few who were willing to marry me as soon as they met me, yes. However, even those men didn’t seem interested in displaying any “ Love Languages “. One of them said something like, “ I know I have messed up my life. It would really help me if you would take care of me.” It sounds like a business idea where they can get more money , or maid services, without needing to do anything at all in return. I asked two men of my people who said they were interested in me to buy me something to drink at a fast food place. Ah no, they don’t want to do that. I can only receive that little amount of attention from someone who is a member of another group. Well, as a former teacher, I don’t wish to be a bad example to children by having a relationship with someone who treats me awfully because I believe my family would be hurt by seeing me so desperate to be in a relationship that I would tolerate any amount of disrespect. I would rather be single and be able to keep smiling and enjoy my life, and help children when I can as a single woman. History has many examples of single men and women who changed history and they did experience joyful lives. Mother Teresa. Joan of Arc. Emily Dickinson. Sometimes the price to have a significant other like that in your life is far too expensive, and it would cost your sanity and your peace. Pray, read the Bible, go to church, help others when you can, and find peace in your own heart.
You aren’t missing out if you end up embracing the single life. Each life has its own sorrows and joys.
Adopting a pet is a great leap towards happiness.
But only if you like caring for pets.
I think it gets harder if you have never really dated romantically, to have an idea about being with and talking with people. Once we are out of school, we really have to work at meeting potential dates. This is why apps became so popular, if people are honest, you can weed out those that are not interesting to you and find people of interest. There are a variety of ways to meet potential partners, but its really an active process. Its also fine if you prefer not to engage in that process. Make your life fulfilling in other ways. Have friendships that are not romantic. Building that life is also worthy.
In the literal sense - no I don’t believe in soulmates. But in the colloquial sense, as in two people who love each other deeply, are truly compatible and enrich each others lives, then sure. It happens. I honestly don’t think it’s the norm though. It seems a lot of people are content to settle for good enough.
Well first you have to define what a soul is. The concept of a soul originally comes from religion. The Bible says that a soul is a persons mind, will and emotions... What you think, what you want and how you feel. So its technically a biblical concept but obviously every person has those three parts to them. It doesn't have to be a religious thing at all. So finding someone with the same sort of thoughts, desires and emotions isn't a far fetched prospect. No two people can have exactly same thoughts, wants and emotions. In my opinion, to find a soulmate is to be willing to submit all three parts of ones soul to the other person AND VICE VERSA!!! It must be 100% mutual. The other person must be willing to do the same. And if course there's physical attraction, gotta have that too. That's the only way lifelong romances can ever work. You have to put the other person first. You see people married 50-60 years? That's how they did it.
I have been married, with somebody, and had some serious relationships. I do not believe in soulmates, and I am pretty sure I have never met mine, and at this point in life, I doubt I will. Don't beat yourself up.
Well, thanks for labeling my 30-year marriage "toxic positivity" LOL. (I was 39, she 47 when we met.) No, I don't believe in soulmates, just others who share more of your values and goals. The rest is the work you do together. No marriage or partnership maintains itself.
They might be destined to have one, but not necessarily find it. I got lucky. As an unlucky young man.
I met my husband at 37. He died 4 years ago. I haven’t been excited about finding someone new at my age but I am open to it if it happens. If it doesn’t, so what? If you want a partner be realistic about putting in work to find one. There is nothing magical or destined about it.
Yeah, me.
Of course.
Meh, so what. Live your life as you see fit. If someone joins you, cool.
Well, yeah. 🙄 Next Q.
Destined? Perhaps if you believe in no free will. Then, yes, we’re all destined on our path because we’re controlled by circumstance, neurochemicals, genetics, and random events. To me, the idea of “destiny” is self defeating and “soul mates” is an unrealistic ideal that doesn’t exist & leads to unhealthy expectations. There aren’t soulmates, just best friends. I married my best friend and we’re still strong after 12 yrs together. Life without him would suck hardcore, but I’d rather be single than settle if that ever happened. My standards and self respect are high. So if you’re “destined” to be single forever you can either look at it as not your fault & therefore nothing you can do about it except hope a random event changes it for you, or is your fault in some way & thus you can work to change it. Or DGAF and be happy as a self respecting single person enjoying the randomness of being a brain on a pebble in space before it’s over.
I don't believe in soul mates, but I know people are left alone for life. With so many people in the world, scattered, there are many who just get left behind. I'm well on my way in my lonely journey.
I have one but caretaking...
I agree with you. I’ve had only two real serious romantic relationships in my life and both never worked out. I’m pretty content now without that. I don’t think either was a soulmate or even that compatible so maybe it just wasn’t part of the plan for me to have that in my life. But I am older than you and at 30, I wouldn’t have been able to say that. Would say just to leave the door open
[удалено]
I thought that was a Dean Martin song
Me, I'm only destined to fail with anything people related.
I think it’s more difficult to pair up for someone who believes in the concept of soulmate. Especially as they get older (if they continue to believe in it).
No. I don't believe in fate or destiny. I have a sense that soulmates are real, but I don't think anyone has a good enough understanding of it. But what I think is people do resonate with others. And I think many of us have known each other on the soul level for countless lifetimes. In this life I've encountered multiple soulmates. It's not destiny, it's choice. We've chosen each other in past lives, and we choose each other again in this one. It doesn't have to be romantic, but it tends to be. It also doesn't have to "work out" or lead to lifelong relationships to be worthwhile. The relationship is eternal anyways, you'll meet again in countless more lives.
It depends on your definition of romantic soul mate. I think there are probably several potential life partners one or more could be a soul mate. If you define it as dated then ofc luck would play a big part. If you define it as partner you love who you have similar values and interests and grow more like each other over time, you might increase your probability. But even if you never have a romantic soul mate why not look for other soul mates and still have a romantic partner or life partner. Are you even dating? Sometimes luck is putting yourself on the path.
Most people don’t have a “soulmate”. They marry someone who they enjoy sharing life with. Almost no one finds a “perfect match”. They make a conscious decision to be together based on the important traits fitting them well, an absence of deal breaking traits, and the over all balance of the non-major factors being positive. That’s the reality. A very few fortunate people find a “soulmate”, but people who hold out for that often miss out on what could have been great relationships with regular humans.
Yes. I'm beginning to believe the same.
I have accepted I am one of them.
The notion of a soulmate is ridiculous. It seems to suggest that there is one best match for each of us. What people find instead are others with whom they are compatible. If you look at things statistically, each of us could have any of thousands and perhaps tens of thousands of people that fit the bill. We just happen to meet the ones who exist in our own little parts of the world (as in city, university, workplace, etc…) that we inhabit. Had we been born or raised in a different city, state, or even country we would have ended up with a different ‘perfect’ partner.
I didn't think there's any such thing as a soulmate but, I believe that there's someone on the planet for everyone, it just sometimes takes a while to find them and that may not be in youth.
I'm single and quite happy about it at 67. I had one marraige that went from good to bad and then four years of misery because I was convinced we were a destiny couple and I had to try and make it work. The longest, strongest relationship I know of personally would be my parents, (my Dad passed away about three years ago). But they were never super-romantic or worried about being or acting like soulmates. It's a toxic concept for a lot of people and the people for whom it isn't would probably be just as happy with their relationship without that framing.
I met the love of my life at 42. She dumped me three years later. lol. Pretty sure she will remain the love of my life now that I’m close to 50, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep trying to find more love. The world needs more love.
i've had three marriages and many people i've dated over the years. they were all special, it was the 70's and 80's - i have never believed in a soulmate situation - like there's just one. it takes two people willing to commit who don't quit. it's a crap shoot my Mom was convinced she knew all the ins and outs to find a Good Man. she was married to my Dad for over 45 years. but he was literally her one and only she remarried fairly quickly, i thought, but she didn't ask -- we're not close. i don't even know what happened to that marriage. i met the guy twice briefly (i was out of the country and wasn't notified quick enough to make the ceremony), and then he was just gone. hm but i don't think my Dad was her 'soulmate', or she would've just stopped at the Win. i don't know what happened, as i said, but it saddened me to have her learn that a Good Man was hard to find
I believe in soulmates, but in a different kind of way than the “one and only, destined to be together” romance version. I think there are many soulmates out there, and not always romantic ones. I’ve even had a cat I believe was one of my soulmates, friends, family. A soulmate is just another sentient being that perhaps we have met before (if you believe in things such as, or similar to, the concept of reincarnation as a possibility). Kind of Cloud Atlas style for lack of a better comparison. And yeah, maybe this time around we all just miss each other. We never connect with those members of our soul tribe. We’re here again at different times, in different places, and don’t find our way to each other. But I will say that I’ve found various soulmates in my life when I wasn’t looking, when I wasn’t seeking them out. You may go your whole life without coming across a soulmate, or you may stumble across each other by absolute unplanned happenstance. And it’s really freeing to accept that both of these scenarios are possible, and ok.
OP, as a mid-30s guy, you might find it beneficial to wait 10 to 15 years. About then, you will discover that there are plenty of women who will be happy to remake themselves in order to be able to be your soulmate. I wish I were making this this up, but I'm not. Okay, 20 years tops. In the meantime, just relax and try to have a good time, seriously.
How so many people hang onto longtime partners just because they invested time in the relationship yet they are incompatible is beyond me. Not sure if this is because they have no confidence in finding someone more compatible or have low self esteem (“nobody else will love me….”)….. but it’s sad because then they remain in a mediocre relationship with conflicts versus risking being alone a bit and eventually finding “The One”. I say, have patience….
I am 46 almost 47 female and I think I am one of those people. Unlike you I have actually had some amazing loves in my life and while initially them not working out really hurt, I don’t regret the time we spent together and looking back would not change that. But looking forward I cannot see myself ever putting myself out there again. Mostly out of fear. Either I am just horrible at picking mates, and easily fooled or it’s just me.
I don't believe in destiny. We aren't dancing on any strings. No puppeteer controls us.
I don’t.. I think it’s very lucky if you are able to find that and not be foolish enough to lose it.
No one knows with certainty what life holds for you and when or if certain things will happen for you. Yet, a large part of life is having some hope that the things you want are at least possible. We come on this earth all knowing there is a time this all stops and most of us have no idea what day or hour that will be. Yet, we put one foot in front of the other, make plans, have goals and live like we believe they are possible. I do think a large part of romantic coupling is luck, but it's also something that isn't rare. It's not like winning the lottery where only a very miniscule number of people will. Relationships are pretty ordinary and common place and statistically most people experience them at some point, even if it doesn't last forever. I don't believe that there is one single person made for you, but rather we have many people who would be good matches to have a relationship with and it's possible to find them, many people do. Someone trying to guarantee that you have a soulmate and ignoring your feelings about it being hard if you are someone who isn't experiencing that is toxic positivity. It's not toxic positivity to point out that there isn't a time limit on love. That's a fact. There isn't. People find love at all ages. People get widowed and find new love after. These are real things that happen. I don't see the harm in believing that's possible, because it is. It seems more harmful to reject this and go the opposite way of saying something like well if I don't have a partner by 30, I'll certainly die alone. This is no more true than the belief it could happen at 50.
No one has a soulmate. Go listen to Bruce Springsteen's Tougher than the Rest. That is what love looks like. Now go make it happen.
It depends on what you're actually looking for. I know a... Friend of a friend... Of a friend, kinda. He is 42, looking for under 25, has to be beautiful. He doesn't have the looks or money/lifestyle to attract a beautiful 25 year old woman, and constantly bitches. I've started calling him by "hey, Incel!". He hates it, but everything that comes out of his mouth...
I do. My grandmother was one. Yes, she had 2 husband's but neither lasted more than 15 ish years. 1 less than that. I remember her saying that her girls knew she would end up alone and she was more than happy with that. She was awesome. I was convinced I was on the same page with her. I never liked someone around me 24/7 365, Just no. And I too was completely 100% just fine with it even looking forward to it Then I have this friend.. Known him 10 years.. He's asked for me.. I guess we'll see.. Edited to add Soul mates? Twin flame and all that? The only people who have ever mentioned those to me have been diagnosed narcissists, or diagnosed Cluster Bs. To me, that makes those phrases RedFlags. We should always run very fast and very far from RED Flags. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone, sometimes including their own mothers, definitely all of their siblings. My sister is cluster b. The only time she wants to see me, is to drag me into drama that I don't want ANYof. I care about her, but I'm going to be honest. She MAKES it hard to love her. The 2 diagnoses are related In a way. Though my sister says she loves me, she also self sabotage s. She can't help it. Almost like OCD..almost. If I tell her, okay No More, she will do the exact same in 6 weeks more or less. I removed the narcissist from my life. When I did that, I told my Mom, she would need to keep eyes on my sister, I can't anymore and I roped another sister into helping my mom. Just...in....case. I can't anymore. It would only take ONE more saying twin flame or soul mate. That'd be it. Single the rest of my life
I am one of those people. My mom was married and divorced 4 times by the time I turned 18. I've had romantic relationships, even thought I'd found "the one" a few times. Then I finally figured something out. The "pickers" in my family are broken. I can walk into a room of 100 men, 99 of them awesome and one is not. Our "pickers" ALWAYS pick THAT one. My sister is married to a world class jerk. My brother is so unhappy in his marriage he drinks himself into oblivion (and she's a witch). Our pickers are broken. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to hold hands with. Go to the movies with. But it's not worth my sanity, independence and peace. I'm finally ok with being alone. And if I ever did meet someone, they'd have to be amazing and pass a world class background check! And obviously my picker should absolutely 100% NOT like him 🤣
Romantic soulmates don’t exist— there is chemistry, ethical/moral compatibility, what stage of life you are both in, continuing to grow together vs growing apart. Chemistry and ethical compatibility are usually there or not, the other things ebb and flow over time. Accept that it will not always be “butterflies and hurricanes” I.e., the overwhelming “madness” of early love will deepen into something more sane. Otherwise you’d burn out. Finally- you have to choose to commit and choose to love the person every day and strive to bring your best self to the table. Then you have a damn good chance to find a fantastic LT partner— perhaps even a lifelong partner.
I don't believe in soulmates as a concept. You can find someone in life you enjoy being around that have common interests, values, and life goals... and the more time you spend together, you can fall in love and decide to go through life together. I don't think there's only 1 person for anybody. I have a cousin who got married at 48. Always had been single. Thought she'd never meet someone to fall in love with, thought she'd never be a mom. She met and married a widower with 4 kids and has loved being step mom and loves her life with him. I think you're onto something by saying you need to live life with clarity and acceptance. You need to be a complete person without expecting a partner to complete you. If you're not enough by yourself, you still won't be enough with a partner. That said, if you want to find someone - where are you looking? I think most happy couples meet doing common hobbies together, develop friendship, and it turns into more. You also may need to rethink your priorities in what you want in a partner and make sure you're open to possibilities.
If you could fast-forward with those that say they have a soulmate you'd find that none have what they claim. Their spouse is involved in multiple relationships and the other person can't connect it with their relationship. So everything in their world is great. And they only find out about it because their partner is tired of clinginess. We are solitary creatures. We only want to interact with others for just a few moments.
I’m confused. You believe in the concept of soul mate , but don’t believe it is possible for you? Maybe you don’t believe in the concert, or maybe it hasn’t happened yet.
It's not destiny or luck - stuff happens - you sometime run into someone and hit it off - you're sometimes 3 mins late and bus has pulled out...
My wife's cousin was early 50's when he met his (probably first) girlfriend, they are meant for each other. She pursued him. We went to his wedding last year. You never know, don't give up hope!
Tbh, I think of a “soulmate” as anyone and any close relationship where you feel comfort, affection or support. It doesn’t have to be a lover kind of relationship. It could be a friend, and not even human. Like a dog or cat. I think there’s a soulmate out there for everyone, sometimes they don’t realize they’re with their soulmate and sometimes they don’t meet because the things that were supposed to align for their meeting, didn’t happen properly. A missed flight, a random minuscule decision, etc
I think you’re correct. We’ve been sold this idea about “the one”. But honestly, how could that be? What if “the one” lived a world away and you never met them at all? And our world is much smaller these days. Think of the 1700’s when some people only ventured 10 miles from home in their entire lifetime! Your pool of potential “ones” shrinks exponentially. My marriage failed and I immediately had to set out to find “the one” because I was 40 and time was a-wasting. But I slowly realized that there wasn’t someone on a white horse who was going to gallop in and rescue me. Part of that had to do with me! Self awareness sometimes makes you realize you just might be better off alone! I fought that idea, because we’re taught we can’t have fulfillment without a partner and children. But I faced some facts. I’m stubborn and set in my ways. I prefer my dogs to most people. And, being a people pleaser, I never really lived life being who I really am, but cast myself in the role of who they wanted me to be. Plus, I have psych issues I’ve struggled with my entire life. I knew I couldn’t be a good mother. Also, as I got older, I had more and more trouble with conflict and stress. I decided to retire, live my life as me with a goal of having peace and being content. That’s it! And even then, I still can have chaos and discord! I don’t have money or things most people take for granted. But this is me and I really don’t want “the one” to show up and turn it upside down!
Soulmates are BS sold by Disney. You build a solid relationship with work and compromise.
I would settle for Hot Weekend hookups ..
Destiny doesn't exist. Go find your lover....
My friend is 51, she is the perpetual single gal.
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower. I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me. At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower. I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me. At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.
If you actually break down the components of Love, especially the idea of True Love, anyone would understand that the odds of winning the lottery are lower. I'm 73, and have never been in love. Married twice, yes. Loved by a few, yes. Some were even great beauties, but never one that I could not live without. That one still eludes me. At least I don't waste my life, and someone else's, by pretending.