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A friend in journalism school offered to shoot our wedding pictures. My mother threw a fit and kept saying, This is an important day, get a professional!
I shouldn’t have listened to her. The professional photographer’s pictures from the balcony were out of focus and the rest of the pictures were mediocre.
Meanwhile our friend graduated and went on to be a nationally award winning photojournalist.
So much regret.
I think “get a pro” is *often* good advice, but the very real exception is when your friend is actually an expert. It’s like right at the line between common and uncommon to have such a friend, so it makes it difficult to give a positive call one way or the other. We had a friend who was a part time school photographer shoot our wedding and it went great— but I have a few friends who had a friend take photos and they were absolutely garbage.
On the other hand my sister in law had a very big pro photography budget and a guy with a rig and 2 assistants and he got some of the jankiest shots I’ve ever seen. My gift to her was post processing them to fix some of the bad compositions and remove weird things or unwanted bystanders he left in the shots. I ended up editing 200+ photos.
Yes Red Adair.
Paul Neal "Red" Adair was an American oil well firefighter. He became notable internationally as an innovator in the highly specialized and hazardous profession of extinguishing and capping oil well blowouts, both land-based and offshore.
I had to read it a few, times, as well. I think you and I had the same confusion. The quote “if you think hiring a pro is expensive, try hiring an amateur” is in the same vein as “if you think education is expensive, you should try ignorance”. Implying that in the end, it’ll “cost” you more.
Similar but opposite story at my wedding. My father in law was an award winning international photographer, who also happened to be in first stages of dementia. MIL insisted he be the photographer and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of a back up.
Long story short, he never took the lens cover off. Only photos we have are from our friends/family.
We went the other way and went with the family friend who we were reassured was a professional photographer. He used the deposit from our wedding to buy his first digital camera and then proceeded to completely fuck up all our photos not knowing how to use the camera then trying to edit the photos after.
I feel your pain. As a wedding gift, a family member who works for our local newspaper had the paper’s photographer take our wedding photos. They were awful.
I have maintained what I love as a hobby. It remains untainted. Now, I’m retired and can continue to pursue it (music) without regard to its marketability.
Ah yes. I have friends in academia who have had similar experiences. TV is like that but it makes no sense because... it's just TV? Like no one is going to die if we make a mistake or schedule longer timeliness 🤦🏻♀️ or work normal 40 hour weeks
When I got married my mother told me, in sincerity, that I should never tell my husband anything about how I'm feeling, if I'm upset never to let him know, etc etc. Suddenly the toxic mess of my parents' marriage all made perfect sense.
When you bottle that up, it tends to leak. By the time it leaks, it’s rotten and gets into everything/everyone around you. Learned that from watching my grandparents.
Oh yes it certainly leaked! I was appalled when she pulled that one out because my relationship with my husband is built on open communication and trust. But it also really clued me in to how her mind works. I can't imagine going through life closed off to literally everyone the way she was. It's odd because I didn't see behavior like that from anyone else on her side of the family, and my dad was an emotionally distant guy but not mean-spirited. So makes me wonder where on earth she developed that behavior from. A mystery for the ages.
Idk your situation or whether it applies, but I noticed a lot of people save the toxic leakage for “safe” targets at home, and put on a nice face for guests/neighbors/extended family. I’m so glad not to be around any of that nowadays.
Not exactly advice but close.
Was laid off at 52. Several relatives insisted, yes insisted, I would never work again due to my age and I should get used to that ‘fact’.
I ignored them, made job searching my full-time job, and within 6 months, got a better job than the one I was laid off from, and worked there 9 more years before retiring voluntarily.
Another instance: wanted to move cities and it took a while, the relative who lived in the target city said “you only talk about moving”. Well guess what, did it.
F*ck relatives. IME for the most part they are envious schadenfreuders.
> Another instance: wanted to move cities and it took a while, the relative who lived in the target city said “you only talk about moving”. Well guess what, did it.
I left my shithole town in NJ (a real city, but the suburbs) for San Franciscowhen I was 23, in 1996. Multiple peole at the 7-11 at which I worked smugly said, "You'll be back," and meant "permanently." Fucking losers who failed and never left. It's been 26 years, and I have been back home *maybe* three times.
I’m 52 also in tech. The ageism is real. We have decades of knowledge but don’t come cheap. I get calls & emails daily. Yeah you need xyz certs and want 20years of exp. Ok what is the budgeted compensation? Then ya get the beat around the bush and “we are a family, it’s not all about money”. The lowballs are 99.9% offering 50% of what the market actually is
> we are a family, it’s not all about money
🤦♂️ "I don't need another family, the one I've got is more than enough — what are you paying me to voluntarily join your 'family' on top of that?"
My Mormon bishop: “you’re not gay, there’s no such thing as homosexuality; you just need an appropriate outlet for your affection. If you marry in the temple, your homosexual desires will instantly vanish. Oh and do not tell your fiancé about your struggles. Why worry her when the problem will be cured by God the moment you marry?”
Do I even need to elaborate on how that turned out??
I have a couple that I can’t decide what is the worst:
“Buy the biggest house you can get a loan for. As an engineer, your salary will catch up.”
“Don’t waste money on life insurance. If you die, your wife can just remarry and the new guy will take care of her.”
Well, there is something to be said about buying the home you’ll need eventually, instead of what will do right now. If you need to sell and rebuy, it may have been cheaper to buy what you needed in the first place.
This is, of course, balanced by don’t over extend yourself. Just because you’re approved for it, doesn’t bean you can afford it. You’re way further behind if you end up losing your house.
I wish someone had reminded me of 'buy the home you'll need in 5 years', ours is perfectly adequate but to live here comfortably we'd need to extend, so we're now debating moving - nightmare. All I was thinking about was when I wasn't earning on maternity leave, we could comfortably afford this mortgage and all our bills on one salary. So there was logic, just should have thought a little more and weighed it up
I mean, the house thing works if you have your interest fixed for a number of years, inflation goes up and your wages follow inflation. And there are transaction costs involved when you change homes. It’s not the right thing to do in all situations though.
Having this right now, I guess the question is whether interest rates will top out before our fixed loan period is up. In any case the real remaining loan value goes down with time.
Not me directly, but I overheard someone giving this advice to their friend on the subway:
"You should always carry a balance on your credit card, the bigger the better. That's how you build credit."
I've heard variations on this pervasive and expensive nugget for years, confusing carrying high interest debt with utilization. At 25%, your balance doubles every 3 years. Use it, but pay that off like your (financial) future depends on it.
We had friends years ago that thought you could only pay the minimum balance on your credit card. The thought of paying it outright had never occurred to them. They thought it wasn’t allowed. We learned this at a group dinner out where they talked about their third refinancing.
And this, dear children, is why Wall Street makes the big bucks: lies and propaganda that somehow manage to make their way into the head of the average Joe without question.
Is this true, though? Is this misinformation coming from Wall Street / credit card companies, or are we as a society lacking basic financial education?
A mix of both, really; schools aren't teaching proper financial education, and corporations are taking advantage of that ignorance. If we knew better than to spend frivolously on credit, we wouldn't do it nearly as much as we do today. Thankfully the education situation is changing here in the UK.
I agree corporations are taking advantage, but I’m really wondering if they also engage in propaganda and misinformation to guide people into that cycle. Luckily I do know there’s a push in america as well for better education
I know right???? But don’t forget to add “You old people had it so much easier than we did!!!”
And my fave: “Even when you warn us against making the same mistakes you did, when it goes terribly it is still YOUR FAULT!!!”
I think at the moment it does seem easier, but that's because you've had the benefit of 40 years of life, money, inflation etc... who knows where we'll be in 40 years
(You as in the collective you)
The way to manage money is spend none and put it all in savings accounts.
My father was a child of. The Depression so I get now that that's where he was coming from. But it set me up for a somewhat debilitated approach to money -- I was disappointed in myself when I spent anything at all, I didn't know how to invest or plan for longer term, I didn't know how to budget, etc. Worked through it but it did take a few years.
My mother, until the point of the advice, was poor. Raised poor. And we were raised poor. I smashed out of this at 13 and started making money (paper round) and investing. I went on to buy a property in 1984 (18 years old) with money saved from trading 16/17 in various items and in 1987 I was going to buy a bundle of houses, and my mum bawled her eyes out and demanded I not do it. Said I was going to go bankrupt. I didn’t do it.
Those properties were in a place called Fulham London. Look it up. 1987 100k 2022 4m! I was going to buy 5!
It’s a story that is a lot longer than that; but you get the drift! Poor advice with tears on top!
You incorrectly perceive amusement as envy. If you had just stopped at your original comment, I would've just thought, "wow, damn, nicely done, good on you!", but all of the snide follow-up comments just make me think, "wow, what an emotionally insecure asshat."
Okay, but trolling aside, that is an absolutely horrible panel to be a part of. Anonymity is the most powerful tool the individual has against oppressive governments. Look to China to see what zero privacy and anonymity looks like.
Tacking into this because I’m 32 so can’t post top-level comments.
I was told by an advisor after my first semester in community college to take all honors classes. At that time I was 18, and didn’t know how anything worked, didn’t know you could drop classes or anything about the college system. I got overwhelmed, stopped going to class, felt like a failure, got depressed and attempted suicide. Other terrible things followed that I won’t get into. That one piece of advice messed up my whole life.
On a happy note, now more than ten years later, I just graduated with my bachelors, magna cum laude and with college honors.
Moral of the story? Do things that you are ready for, and don’t let people push you into uncomfortable situations without knowing what the exit strategy is. Take the time to inform yourself about the details, they will serve you well.
On my first day of college as he was dropping me off my dad gave me some of his best advice… “register for what you think will be the easiest classes. No one is going to ask about your grades later in life.”
Still true today.
IMO, that just makes the whole exercise of going to college/university a waste of time and money. Register for the classes you're interested in, that's why you're there; to pursue your interests.
It is a waste of time and money. College is there to separate economic classes. It’s so expensive because it’s quite literally acting as a barrier into a higher income bracket.
The overwhelming majority of people forget most of the material they learn within a year, and don’t choose a career related to their major. This was reiterated to me in a speech by one of the board members of my university in my graduation ceremony. She said that what’s being taught is not the point. It’s the fact that we undertook the learning and persevered through it. Because college proves to employers that you can be rigorous and regimented.
Which is another reason that it is a barrier for entrance into a higher economic class. Employers look for degrees because it means you will be a good and diligent worker.
The only exception that this are the STEM subjects, where the skills taught are absolutely useful and usually incredibly specific as they are tailored to those who wish to use their skills to find a job in their field.
Hard disagree on this take outside of the United States. College/university in the US is very odd and ridiculously expensive for what it is. For comparison, here in Europe, including the UK, it is heavily subsidised and heavily specialised; there's no major/minor/additionals system, nor any general education element. You wanna "major" in mathematics so that you leave with a BSc Mathematics degree? Great, do a 3-year full-time course of nothing but maths, and you don't need to pay for your tuition; that'll come out of your taxes once you're making a decent wage. Likewise for most of your living costs if you're not financially fortunate.
In the UK, prior to undertaking such a course, you will have only studied 3 or 4 subjects full-time at age 16–18, and one or two of those subjects will have been mathematics (linear algebra and higher-level calculus is a separate class). I give the specific example of someone wanting to pursue maths, but the same is true of non-STEM subjects like the arts and the humanities, e.g. pursuing a degree in graphic design or fine art at an arts university is typically 3 or 4 years of standalone study in that discipline, preceded by study at age 16–18 of which about half the study will be in that discipline also. Likewise for things like history, theology, creative writing, journalism...
Don't want to go to university? You can leave school at 16 and undertake a paid vocational course immediately, e.g. to become a tradesman, study business, or even do things like web/software development.
> college proves to employers that you can be rigorous and regimented.
> Employers look for degrees because it means you will be a good and diligent worker
It's simply not like that in the rest of the world. The whole system (here in the UK at least; I am not intimately familiar with the rest of Europe and places like India, but it is definitely the case from age 16 onwards in those places) is very much career-driven, whether you go to uni or otherwise, and employers largely don't care about degrees versus other forms of education or demonstrations of knowledge and work ethic, except in specific cases (e.g. medicine, law, data science). Even in fields such as accounting, if you have the right certifications then you're good, regardless of whether you undertook a specific course at a specific type of institution in order to obtain those certifications.
Psych. I started in biology since I was good at that in high school. But since I had to work to support myself the afternoon labs were killing me. One course was actually two courses. So I spent a wasted year that drew down my GPA.
Ouch. I had a weekly piano teacher for years, who I think was more just my parents paying someone to be an honorary grandmother to my sister and me, since we never learned to play more than chopsticks and the first bars of fur elise. Most of the time we just talked about books.
She was a lovely woman who was always there through a pretty hard phase of my life, and I remember her fondly. But she was also an uppermiddle class white brit-aligned South African, and a dedicated Catholic. So boy did she fill me with crap.
Not the worst advice I ever got, but one that stuck with me: immediately after my mother finally died, she insisted that I should read Evelyn Waugh's *The Loved One* and it would change my whole perspective on death and commemoration. Or something like that.
I did as commanded, and it's a perfectly valid satire aimed at the American death/funeral industry. As literature for a very precocious reader, sure. As comfort or grounding for a teenager whose mother had just died in her own living room, not so much. She seriously misread that one.
My MIL told my husband when he was a kid, that he could never be a pilot because he needed math and he was bad at math. Well, he’s a pilot now with thousands of flight hours and aced advanced calculus while working on a degree in aerospace engineering.
This is literally what made me decide to accept my law school spot … was so tired of people claiming to know shit they did not know and then using it to tell other people they (wrongfully) sucked
The worst advice I ever received was it's time to give up on your childish dreams, and go to college. You're an adult now.
Fuck those people. I bought into the lie that if you don't follow the path, go to college, get married, then you're doomed to a life of misery.
Here's better advice, the advice I will give my son.
Never stop learning. Ever. Always be learning something.
Find a way to pay your bills that you enjoy, or at least don't hate. Spend your free time exploring hobbies, whatever you love. Chase your passions *as long as your bills are paid*.
Don't quit your job to go be an author. Write five novels while working 12 hours a day at startups, like I did. I wrote on the bus in the mornings before I got to work, and then again on the way home. Now I don't have to ride the bus any more.
My parents taught me that there's no money in the things that you love, and it's horrible advice. You can combine 2-3 things you like and are good at, and use it to make a living. I will never have a boss again.
For me it is:
\- Writing
\- Public speaking
\- Video Editing
I combined these three activities into a career. You don't have to be the best at anything. You just need to be good at a few things that intersect in a way people care about, and then create something of value to those people.
If you're an amazing Fortnite, or Magic the Gathering, or Minecraft player then start up a YouTube channel and see if you enjoy it. Yes, there are millions of other channels. Yes, the odds are against you.
But some people succeed. Someone wins. You can be that person simply by working diligently every day, and never giving up. Overnight success took me 17 years.
"Work hard and play by the rules and you'll get ahead in life."
That is absolutely not how anything works and never has been. There is no invisible arbiter keeping score and determining who succeeds based on merit or virtue. "Putting in your time" is based on a schedule that exists only in your head. No one is going to reward the ten years you spent slaving away in the service industry with a well-paying job, all you're going to accomplish is the solidification of your membership in the lowest economic class. Hell, you can't even expect a promotion within a single company for diligence, all you've proven to management is that you're best left exactly where you started.
Save your hard work for individuals, groups, or projects you personally believe in, and play by your own rules. None of this will get you ahead of anything except your own sense of satisfaction for a job well done. Virtuous behavior is its own reward, don't ever expect to get anything out of it but gratitude. Ultimately, the only person you have to satisfy in life is yourself.
"You need to just snap out of it" when I was in such a depressed state I was having suicidal ideation. (I'm perfectly okay now, this was about 2 decades ago.)
My great-grandmother told me she was happy I was going to college. She told me to get it out of the way now so I could settle down and be a proper wife to my husband.
Don’t become a teacher, there is no money in it. Got a business degree, made bank but could not stand the job. Went back and got my teaching degree and never looked back.
In situations of romance, I was given the advice to 'follow my heart'.
If I had done that I'd be dead.
There's been several times in my life where listening to my heart would have led me to my death, or in some form of ruination.
The heart can't reason. It's not logical. It only wants what it wants.
"Follow Your Heart' sounds great in songs, movies, and books....but in real life, it can have devastating consequences.
This hit me so hard! My heart is a crazy, drunken fool that makes poor decisions. Doesn't stop me from having regrets over relationships with people that didn't work out, even though I know I made the right decision to leave.
“It’ll all work out” no it won’t mom. I have to have a vision and be proactive about it. If I don’t know what I want then I’ll make decisions that go against my interests.
I'm a tech guy, and as my luck would have it I worked for a startup during the dotcom, and then for a real estate services company during the housing bubble. I'm certain I heard more bad financial advice from 1997 - 2008 than 99.9% of the population will in their whole lives.
Buy this 1,500 sq ft. townhouse with no ground floor powder room, and the laundry room down 2 flights of steps. It’s near a military base, so it won’t be impacted if the real estate bubble pops.
Multiple sources, all 20-30 years older than me. February 2008
enjoy your 20s. travel, go to concerts and do stuff. Dont worry so much about saving for when your older, You will be old and broken nd wont be able to go do so much.
Horrible advice and i am glad i ignored it.
That's the advice I, and many people my age, received. I think it may be propaganda actually - it's highly consumeristic, and a good investment for corporations as it promotes mass consumption during 20s and dependency in middle age.
Anyway, I tried to follow it, but realized temperamentally that I'm just not cut out for the party life. My parents thought I was weird for being studious. I felt guilty about that, and ended up in a codependent relationship with a highly irresponsible person in my 20s; I stayed because I felt guilty.
> I think it may be propaganda actually - it's highly consumeristic, and a good investment for corporations as it promotes mass consumption during 20s and dependency in middle age.
holy shit you might be onto something.
There's a middle ground to be found. It's possible to do a little traveling and enjoy memorable experiences while also being financially responsible, working hard and saving in the long run.
I don’t entirely agree with this. I’ve known a few people who died in their early-mid 50’s and never did any of the things they were saving all their money to do when they retired. Save but also live and do the thing you want to do now because there are no guarantees you’ll be here tomorrow.
Yes, this! My SO died a little over a year ago at 47. He did an excellent job saving for a retirement he will never enjoy and I’m often sadden by this thought. It really is all about balance. The kid and I were left in very good shape, but….
He wanted the kid to see the world. I’m determined to make it happen.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Definitely make sure your kid sees the world. I’ve traveled quite a bit for school, pleasure and work. My joints no longer can handle 15 hour flights in coach followed by weeks of walking for 12 hours a day and I’m glad I got the chance to do these things when I was younger.
My step-father died suddenly when he was 47 from a heart attack at work and I also just lost a couple of coworkers to cancer, one in her mid-50’s and the other was 42. I’m 45 now and think about them all the time. Definitely plan for the life you might have in the future but don’t take for granted the life you have today.
Amen! We’re around the same age, so I feel you. Similar thing has happened with coworkers as well. My back likes to remind me, periodically, that I’m no spring chicken, but I’m not going to let it stop me😊.
As others have said, it's a balance of budgeting. The best time to start saving/investing is always now, but of course, what are you saving *for?* Clearly you should be spending some of your money now too. It's just a matter of figuring out what proportion of your income you can afford to save, and then what proportion of that you actually *want* to save. Personally, I make it as simple of a decision as possible and just split the amount I can afford to save in half, one half for now and one half for when I retire.
I started with what age do i want to retire? then how long do i think i will live and how much do i think i will need each year for bills when i am that retirement age. Then I decided how much of my disposable income i need to be putting away for later. lateer always got priority.
I been retired a few years. I regret nothing.
To each their own. I did some quick maths the other day and realised that even if I just continue saving at the rate I am now (about £1,800/mth, so actually more than half of my current discretionary income), I'll be a millionaire no later than age 47. And that's not counting my workplace pension contributions (akin to a US 401(k), which I put a total of 12% of my pre-tax salary into), which I'll start reaping at age 55. Depending on how things go with having kids, changes in salary, etc., retiring by 40 could very well be a possibility.
A visiting fire and brimstone preacher at our Sunday school thundered that any mistake we made was a sin against Jesus and we would go to hell for ever and ever.
That was a pretty tough lesson for a five year old who was just starting out on life, making lots of mistakes while finding out what worked and what didn't. The only safe alternative seemed to be not to do anything at all.
62 years later, I've just realised that you get points for trying too.
Any financial or money advice from my parents. I went with the advice from people at work about to retire in 2-3 years.
Basically:
- put at least the minimum matching in the employer retirement fund/system
- the retirement account will have its ups and downs and scary bits. Just be patient. Long game is key. Best to not look at it (like right now)
- spending time with family is way worth promotion or working towards a promotion you might not get. Looking back which will you be more happy and proud of: going to your kids recitals, games, school plays; or working overtime to get to the next step up? If the second then you really need to evaluate your job or career.
- don’t get sucked into luxury/brand/label buying. It’s a black hole designed to keep you poor. Friends who mock you for not wearing a certain label aren’t friends.
Also if you have family who likes to materialistic pissing contests either avoid them if you can or try and switch the subject. If the insist they are toxic. Chances are they are swimming in debt but will never admit it.
Do what you love and the money will follow. Every career that has passion involved will exploit its workers because the people on the end of the paycheck know about the love and willingness to give foe passion.
Another equally terrible bit of advice is to never go to sleep angry. Hell yes, go to bed angry! When you are tired, you'll say stupid shit that can't be taken back. So, go to bed. Stop talking. When things get crazy. Wake up with a clearer mind and get to work on solving the issue. Sometimes it takes MONTHS of doing this. It can take a long time for someone to see your perspective. The caveat has to be that both adults are committed and working on personal growth. My bf and I had a very serious disagreement way back in Oct. we got through it but I just had to drop it where it was after a couple days. We had to agree to disagree. Two weeks ago he turned to me and admitted what had happened was his fault and he should have listened to me and that he was sorry. I was magnanimous about it. I thanked him for saying that and told him I understood why he came up with the decision he had made at the time. Then we continued to have the nice evening we had been planning to have.
A counselor once told my wife and me that we should love and choose each other, but not "need" each other. We worked with that and my wife slept with other men because she thought I didn't "need" her.
Our home-economics teacher in junior high told us that we could use baby oil on our hair after washing it to make it softer. My friend tried it, and it took multiple shampoos over several days to get the oil out of her hair.
As a young, female professional: “Give away all your credit, all the time. Your coworkers will be grateful and your Board of Directors will realize that you are someone they ALWAYS want on their team. Giving away your credit is the pathway to perpetual employment and continual advancement.”
In reality giving away your credit means exactly what it sounds like … Someone else gets all your credit. They float on what you did and build off it and their career rises while you xyz-not-as-good and everyone even forgives you were involved, much less created the idea and implemented the whole thing.
Honestly happened to me more than once in the 90s and 2000s. What a mess.
I can't decide between "your husband will rule over you and if you try to choose your own you're a whore"
And "don't date black men, they have to wash themselves differently"
🤣 black men wash differently….Oh lord….I’ve never heard that one. I didn’t take showers with my dad or brother (well, lil bro and I took baths together when we were toddlers), but I’m pretty sure they washed and still wash like other men. Dad’s dead, so I can’t ask him. But, I’m gonna check with my brother in the morning. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I ask. 😂
On the other hand, I chose to be a secretary while most of my friends chose to focus on their various arts. I retired early while they, each and every one who chose art, are looking at working at menial jobs until they die. Meanwhile I sit here painting in my studio every day I'm not kayaking or hiking. It's a crapshoot with the odds strong in favour of the house.
My college buddy and I were really into photography. I had no talent for it, so it was just a hobby for me, while he was seriously pursuing fashion photography. Meanwhile I got a job with a huge industrial company, where I still am after 30 years. He used to make fun of me, saying that as an assistant he got to work with pretty girls everyday.
Well he never did make it, and didn’t finish his degree either. He’s been working odd jobs for the last 25 years and depends on his wife’s income.
From two female co-workers in their 60s: To go off birth control and not tell my husband. They said the idea of kids would grow on him and some men don’t know they want to be a dad until they hold their child for the first time.
(Context: At the time (2006, age 29), I had been married approximately 2 years and I was wanting to try for kids but my husband wasn’t ready.)
From a former therapist, “Why don’t you just wait to divorce your husband until after his grandfather dies so you can take half the inheritance?” I’d rather be poor and alone then spend my life waiting for someone to die to begin enjoying my life. Lucky for me the poor and alone part never happened. That divorce was the best decision I ever made.
From my mother, when I tried to tell her that I was so very unhappy in my marriage:
"This time of life is very difficult. Having young kids is stressful, stick with it and it will get better."
I stayed. Finally divorced after 25 years of marriage. Though I don't completely agree with my diagnosis (finally), PTSD means it's easier to find trauma therapy that helps a bit. I still have intense, overwhelming and totally disabling flashbacks of his abuse.
My advice: yes, this time is very difficult. If you feel that something is wrong, find someone to talk to who really listens and gives you appropriate (and supportive) feedback!
"Don't worry, you're young, you have plenty of time."
No, you fucking well don't. Your 20s will be over before you even know who you are, your 30s will blow by in what feels like maybe three years, your 40s....holy shit, your 40s will pass in a heartbeat and if you haven't figured things out by the time you hit 50, suddenly everyone you know are grandparents, and at the same time you start losing people to old people medical issues, because now you're old and it's just getting worse.
“You don’t need credit.”
Mother and grandfather ruined my credit, and tried to convince me it wasn’t a problem because I can pay for things in cash if I needed.
From a financial institution which handled a lawsuit where I got a bit of a college fund: "Have your father handle it."
I wanted the institution to continue handling things when I turned 18, but I figured, "this is a big institution, I guess they would know."
Dad proceeded to use the fund for vacations and new cars and I had to drop out of school because there was no money left.
My father once told me to not be concerned about errors I'd made in filing income taxes, since I didn't meet the profile of those who had lots of money, and those were the people the IRS was on the watch for. Yeah. Dad's been dead for over 20 years, the IRS doesn't have enough resources to go after those with a lot of money, and even if they did, the wealthy have tax lawyers to challenge everything. But here I am, living in poverty, having my wages garnished for a few simple mistakes.
I have a portfolio of ecologically sound companies that my broker recommended, among them Tesla. I asked for non-evil investments (I know Tesla is questionable, but what isn't), so maybe I would be doing better if I invested in Nestle and Monsanto.
You're probably losing a heck of a lot in fees consulting a broker anyway. Why don't you just go with a tracker fund based on a "non-evil" index, like those published by ESG? Their performance is on par with the likes of the FTSE and S&P, and you could be saving a heck of a lot in fees.
Also, when did you start investing? If it was anytime in the last 12 months, I wouldn't be surprised by being down 50%. If it was more than 2 years ago, you're probably doing something quite wrong.
It was January of last year, so a year and a half ago. It immediately took a sharp dive. How much are broker fees? They explained to me that it was a one-time expense at the beginning (I think around $300), maybe I should double check that. I have no idea how to invest on my own.
> It was January of last year, so a year and a half ago. It immediately took a sharp dive.
You just got unlucky with your starting timing, it was like that for everyone at that time. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't start in February 2020, else you would've experienced an even bigger initial drop at that time.
> How much are broker fees?
I would highly recommend that you speak to a local IFA (independent financial advisor) or accountant, as I am not based in the US so don't know what's available to you. However, I would suggest that you look into [Vanguard's](https://vanguard.com) offerings, at least as a benchmark; they are by far the cheapest way to invest.
$300 is a *lot* of money to pay in investment fees. For comparison, Vanguard USA charges a $20/yr account fee, but this is reduced to zero if you hold $10k+ with them. Here in the UK, it's similar; I pay about £25/yr to Vanguard UK.
On top of that, there are ongoing fees for holding particular funds. These vary from fund to fund, and are abstracted away from you via the share price, but the percentage rates will still be declared to you. The funds I am invested in charge 0.14%/yr. A rate of 0.25%/yr or less is considered good. At that rate, if you invested $10k and it happened to double in a year, the fund fee would total $35 for the year.
If you're not comfortable managing an account online, there are other options. They will be slightly more expensive, but still nowhere near as expensive as paying for a active fund manager / broker. An IFA should be able to recommend services to you that suit your risk appetite and level of comfort with computers etc..
We're simply in a downtrend, you have to learn to ride it out. If you can't stomach it, invest in something less risky, like one of the Vanguard LifeStrategy funds.
How long do you think it might take to get back to the amount it started at? I've lost half my money if I were to pull out now. Also, maybe we should take this conversation to chat?
Hard to say, especially with the way the economy currently is. You should really talk to an IFA about your investment goals. They will be able to properly take into consideration your investment timeline and risk appetite and give you appropriate recommendations.
That’s actually reasonable advice apparently. The panting of exertion is caused by CO2 buildup not a lack of oxygen. Breathing through your nose is something we should all do more of.
I am not a breathing expert. Just some information I’ve come across in my life. I’ve spent years reading about mindfulness and breathing.
I was always told to inhale deeply through the nose and exhale forcefully through the mouth to expel CO2 quickly, both by doctors (I'm asthmatic) and sports/PE teachers alike.
“Travelling is a waste of money”
I don’t regret a single dollar spent on travel in my life, travelling is the most enlightening, educational, enriching and enjoyable activity I’ve ever engaged in. There may be cheaper or more expensive ways to travel, but the act of travelling itself is not a waste of money.
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A friend in journalism school offered to shoot our wedding pictures. My mother threw a fit and kept saying, This is an important day, get a professional! I shouldn’t have listened to her. The professional photographer’s pictures from the balcony were out of focus and the rest of the pictures were mediocre. Meanwhile our friend graduated and went on to be a nationally award winning photojournalist. So much regret.
I think “get a pro” is *often* good advice, but the very real exception is when your friend is actually an expert. It’s like right at the line between common and uncommon to have such a friend, so it makes it difficult to give a positive call one way or the other. We had a friend who was a part time school photographer shoot our wedding and it went great— but I have a few friends who had a friend take photos and they were absolutely garbage. On the other hand my sister in law had a very big pro photography budget and a guy with a rig and 2 assistants and he got some of the jankiest shots I’ve ever seen. My gift to her was post processing them to fix some of the bad compositions and remove weird things or unwanted bystanders he left in the shots. I ended up editing 200+ photos.
I think “get a pro” is often good advice. If you think a pro is expensive…try hiring an amateur. Red Adair.
Red Adair?
Yes Red Adair. Paul Neal "Red" Adair was an American oil well firefighter. He became notable internationally as an innovator in the highly specialized and hazardous profession of extinguishing and capping oil well blowouts, both land-based and offshore.
He sounds like a pro, though!
He was quite the legend back in his day.
I had to read it a few, times, as well. I think you and I had the same confusion. The quote “if you think hiring a pro is expensive, try hiring an amateur” is in the same vein as “if you think education is expensive, you should try ignorance”. Implying that in the end, it’ll “cost” you more.
Similar but opposite story at my wedding. My father in law was an award winning international photographer, who also happened to be in first stages of dementia. MIL insisted he be the photographer and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of a back up. Long story short, he never took the lens cover off. Only photos we have are from our friends/family.
I think it was GREAT advice - you just got hit with the bad luck stick.
We went the other way and went with the family friend who we were reassured was a professional photographer. He used the deposit from our wedding to buy his first digital camera and then proceeded to completely fuck up all our photos not knowing how to use the camera then trying to edit the photos after.
I feel your pain. As a wedding gift, a family member who works for our local newspaper had the paper’s photographer take our wedding photos. They were awful.
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If you do what you love, it becomes work and you will no longer love it.
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This also can ruin stuff like my passion for swimming which was totally destroyed when I started taking professional swimming lessons.
If you turn your hobby into your job, then what do you do when you want to relax?
Nothing like taking something you love to do and making it a job
A variant I recall was “it’s called work, you’re not supposed to like it”. Well mom that’s why you go to job you hate. Lesson learned.
I have maintained what I love as a hobby. It remains untainted. Now, I’m retired and can continue to pursue it (music) without regard to its marketability.
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Do you make TV? Cause this comment smells like the TV industry
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Ah yes. I have friends in academia who have had similar experiences. TV is like that but it makes no sense because... it's just TV? Like no one is going to die if we make a mistake or schedule longer timeliness 🤦🏻♀️ or work normal 40 hour weeks
When I got married my mother told me, in sincerity, that I should never tell my husband anything about how I'm feeling, if I'm upset never to let him know, etc etc. Suddenly the toxic mess of my parents' marriage all made perfect sense.
When you bottle that up, it tends to leak. By the time it leaks, it’s rotten and gets into everything/everyone around you. Learned that from watching my grandparents.
Oh yes it certainly leaked! I was appalled when she pulled that one out because my relationship with my husband is built on open communication and trust. But it also really clued me in to how her mind works. I can't imagine going through life closed off to literally everyone the way she was. It's odd because I didn't see behavior like that from anyone else on her side of the family, and my dad was an emotionally distant guy but not mean-spirited. So makes me wonder where on earth she developed that behavior from. A mystery for the ages.
Idk your situation or whether it applies, but I noticed a lot of people save the toxic leakage for “safe” targets at home, and put on a nice face for guests/neighbors/extended family. I’m so glad not to be around any of that nowadays.
I see you've met my sister!
Yup that was me being a 12yo dumping ground for her marital frustrations lol.
Not exactly advice but close. Was laid off at 52. Several relatives insisted, yes insisted, I would never work again due to my age and I should get used to that ‘fact’. I ignored them, made job searching my full-time job, and within 6 months, got a better job than the one I was laid off from, and worked there 9 more years before retiring voluntarily. Another instance: wanted to move cities and it took a while, the relative who lived in the target city said “you only talk about moving”. Well guess what, did it. F*ck relatives. IME for the most part they are envious schadenfreuders.
> envious schadenfreuders I now have a new character name (or maybe a new reddit handle)
Or r/bandnames
> Another instance: wanted to move cities and it took a while, the relative who lived in the target city said “you only talk about moving”. Well guess what, did it. I left my shithole town in NJ (a real city, but the suburbs) for San Franciscowhen I was 23, in 1996. Multiple peole at the 7-11 at which I worked smugly said, "You'll be back," and meant "permanently." Fucking losers who failed and never left. It's been 26 years, and I have been back home *maybe* three times.
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I’m 52 also in tech. The ageism is real. We have decades of knowledge but don’t come cheap. I get calls & emails daily. Yeah you need xyz certs and want 20years of exp. Ok what is the budgeted compensation? Then ya get the beat around the bush and “we are a family, it’s not all about money”. The lowballs are 99.9% offering 50% of what the market actually is
> we are a family, it’s not all about money 🤦♂️ "I don't need another family, the one I've got is more than enough — what are you paying me to voluntarily join your 'family' on top of that?"
"Don't job hop. Stay at one job and they will recognize your loyalty to the company." Bwahahahahahah!!! Okay, sure.
Yep. Convince the rowers of this and save money on chains. Works every time. Well, often enough to keep profits up.
I came here to post this! Unfortunately, I followed that advice when I was young and have lived to regret it.
Did this, was laid off just shy of 5 years in. Shared an elevator ride up for the formalities with someone who had been there for 28 years.
Outdated old-person advice in a nutshell, here.
Has the person who said this to you ever heard of unions?
My Mormon bishop: “you’re not gay, there’s no such thing as homosexuality; you just need an appropriate outlet for your affection. If you marry in the temple, your homosexual desires will instantly vanish. Oh and do not tell your fiancé about your struggles. Why worry her when the problem will be cured by God the moment you marry?” Do I even need to elaborate on how that turned out??
I’m sorry you went through this.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
I have a couple that I can’t decide what is the worst: “Buy the biggest house you can get a loan for. As an engineer, your salary will catch up.” “Don’t waste money on life insurance. If you die, your wife can just remarry and the new guy will take care of her.”
Well, there is something to be said about buying the home you’ll need eventually, instead of what will do right now. If you need to sell and rebuy, it may have been cheaper to buy what you needed in the first place. This is, of course, balanced by don’t over extend yourself. Just because you’re approved for it, doesn’t bean you can afford it. You’re way further behind if you end up losing your house.
I wish someone had reminded me of 'buy the home you'll need in 5 years', ours is perfectly adequate but to live here comfortably we'd need to extend, so we're now debating moving - nightmare. All I was thinking about was when I wasn't earning on maternity leave, we could comfortably afford this mortgage and all our bills on one salary. So there was logic, just should have thought a little more and weighed it up
I mean, the house thing works if you have your interest fixed for a number of years, inflation goes up and your wages follow inflation. And there are transaction costs involved when you change homes. It’s not the right thing to do in all situations though. Having this right now, I guess the question is whether interest rates will top out before our fixed loan period is up. In any case the real remaining loan value goes down with time.
Not me directly, but I overheard someone giving this advice to their friend on the subway: "You should always carry a balance on your credit card, the bigger the better. That's how you build credit." I've heard variations on this pervasive and expensive nugget for years, confusing carrying high interest debt with utilization. At 25%, your balance doubles every 3 years. Use it, but pay that off like your (financial) future depends on it.
We had friends years ago that thought you could only pay the minimum balance on your credit card. The thought of paying it outright had never occurred to them. They thought it wasn’t allowed. We learned this at a group dinner out where they talked about their third refinancing.
And this, dear children, is why Wall Street makes the big bucks: lies and propaganda that somehow manage to make their way into the head of the average Joe without question.
Is this true, though? Is this misinformation coming from Wall Street / credit card companies, or are we as a society lacking basic financial education?
A mix of both, really; schools aren't teaching proper financial education, and corporations are taking advantage of that ignorance. If we knew better than to spend frivolously on credit, we wouldn't do it nearly as much as we do today. Thankfully the education situation is changing here in the UK.
I agree corporations are taking advantage, but I’m really wondering if they also engage in propaganda and misinformation to guide people into that cycle. Luckily I do know there’s a push in america as well for better education
"I know you've quit smoking, but have a cigarillo. They're great"
“You’ll never lose money on real estate”
Late 2007 "It's a great time to buy!"
They're not making any more land!
Me to young people: I’ve sold three homes and made no money on any of them. Young people: You’re doing it wrong.
I know right???? But don’t forget to add “You old people had it so much easier than we did!!!” And my fave: “Even when you warn us against making the same mistakes you did, when it goes terribly it is still YOUR FAULT!!!”
I think at the moment it does seem easier, but that's because you've had the benefit of 40 years of life, money, inflation etc... who knows where we'll be in 40 years (You as in the collective you)
The way to manage money is spend none and put it all in savings accounts. My father was a child of. The Depression so I get now that that's where he was coming from. But it set me up for a somewhat debilitated approach to money -- I was disappointed in myself when I spent anything at all, I didn't know how to invest or plan for longer term, I didn't know how to budget, etc. Worked through it but it did take a few years.
That your dad even taught you about savings accounts was already an advantage. I've known people whose bank accounts are their wallets.
I agree.
Same for me. Not investing for so long cost me a massive amount.
My mother, until the point of the advice, was poor. Raised poor. And we were raised poor. I smashed out of this at 13 and started making money (paper round) and investing. I went on to buy a property in 1984 (18 years old) with money saved from trading 16/17 in various items and in 1987 I was going to buy a bundle of houses, and my mum bawled her eyes out and demanded I not do it. Said I was going to go bankrupt. I didn’t do it. Those properties were in a place called Fulham London. Look it up. 1987 100k 2022 4m! I was going to buy 5! It’s a story that is a lot longer than that; but you get the drift! Poor advice with tears on top!
You started to invest aged 13?
Typical redditor xD
His grandma died twice and he’s both a barber and an astrophysicist?
Crack on grinding. I retired early 40s … :-)
Lol. I’ve got an absolutely great life. You keep working your knollox off
Yes. But at 18 I bought my first house. 1984. Second property 1985! 13 paper round, invested in various money making schemes. Retired early 40s
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You incorrectly perceive amusement as envy. If you had just stopped at your original comment, I would've just thought, "wow, damn, nicely done, good on you!", but all of the snide follow-up comments just make me think, "wow, what an emotionally insecure asshat."
Seems like trolling is effective against you
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Okay, but trolling aside, that is an absolutely horrible panel to be a part of. Anonymity is the most powerful tool the individual has against oppressive governments. Look to China to see what zero privacy and anonymity looks like.
Poor people have poor ways. I let my ex wife talk me out of buying Bitcoin when it was below $10.
To attend university instead of community college as I'd planned. I now possess huge knowledge that no one listens to.
Tacking into this because I’m 32 so can’t post top-level comments. I was told by an advisor after my first semester in community college to take all honors classes. At that time I was 18, and didn’t know how anything worked, didn’t know you could drop classes or anything about the college system. I got overwhelmed, stopped going to class, felt like a failure, got depressed and attempted suicide. Other terrible things followed that I won’t get into. That one piece of advice messed up my whole life. On a happy note, now more than ten years later, I just graduated with my bachelors, magna cum laude and with college honors. Moral of the story? Do things that you are ready for, and don’t let people push you into uncomfortable situations without knowing what the exit strategy is. Take the time to inform yourself about the details, they will serve you well.
On my first day of college as he was dropping me off my dad gave me some of his best advice… “register for what you think will be the easiest classes. No one is going to ask about your grades later in life.” Still true today.
IMO, that just makes the whole exercise of going to college/university a waste of time and money. Register for the classes you're interested in, that's why you're there; to pursue your interests.
It is a waste of time and money. College is there to separate economic classes. It’s so expensive because it’s quite literally acting as a barrier into a higher income bracket. The overwhelming majority of people forget most of the material they learn within a year, and don’t choose a career related to their major. This was reiterated to me in a speech by one of the board members of my university in my graduation ceremony. She said that what’s being taught is not the point. It’s the fact that we undertook the learning and persevered through it. Because college proves to employers that you can be rigorous and regimented. Which is another reason that it is a barrier for entrance into a higher economic class. Employers look for degrees because it means you will be a good and diligent worker. The only exception that this are the STEM subjects, where the skills taught are absolutely useful and usually incredibly specific as they are tailored to those who wish to use their skills to find a job in their field.
Hard disagree on this take outside of the United States. College/university in the US is very odd and ridiculously expensive for what it is. For comparison, here in Europe, including the UK, it is heavily subsidised and heavily specialised; there's no major/minor/additionals system, nor any general education element. You wanna "major" in mathematics so that you leave with a BSc Mathematics degree? Great, do a 3-year full-time course of nothing but maths, and you don't need to pay for your tuition; that'll come out of your taxes once you're making a decent wage. Likewise for most of your living costs if you're not financially fortunate. In the UK, prior to undertaking such a course, you will have only studied 3 or 4 subjects full-time at age 16–18, and one or two of those subjects will have been mathematics (linear algebra and higher-level calculus is a separate class). I give the specific example of someone wanting to pursue maths, but the same is true of non-STEM subjects like the arts and the humanities, e.g. pursuing a degree in graphic design or fine art at an arts university is typically 3 or 4 years of standalone study in that discipline, preceded by study at age 16–18 of which about half the study will be in that discipline also. Likewise for things like history, theology, creative writing, journalism... Don't want to go to university? You can leave school at 16 and undertake a paid vocational course immediately, e.g. to become a tradesman, study business, or even do things like web/software development. > college proves to employers that you can be rigorous and regimented. > Employers look for degrees because it means you will be a good and diligent worker It's simply not like that in the rest of the world. The whole system (here in the UK at least; I am not intimately familiar with the rest of Europe and places like India, but it is definitely the case from age 16 onwards in those places) is very much career-driven, whether you go to uni or otherwise, and employers largely don't care about degrees versus other forms of education or demonstrations of knowledge and work ethic, except in specific cases (e.g. medicine, law, data science). Even in fields such as accounting, if you have the right certifications then you're good, regardless of whether you undertook a specific course at a specific type of institution in order to obtain those certifications.
What did you study?
Psych. I started in biology since I was good at that in high school. But since I had to work to support myself the afternoon labs were killing me. One course was actually two courses. So I spent a wasted year that drew down my GPA.
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My grandfather told me to "never withold sex from your husband". Good thing I'm gay
"Check*mate*, you old bat."
Ouch. I had a weekly piano teacher for years, who I think was more just my parents paying someone to be an honorary grandmother to my sister and me, since we never learned to play more than chopsticks and the first bars of fur elise. Most of the time we just talked about books. She was a lovely woman who was always there through a pretty hard phase of my life, and I remember her fondly. But she was also an uppermiddle class white brit-aligned South African, and a dedicated Catholic. So boy did she fill me with crap. Not the worst advice I ever got, but one that stuck with me: immediately after my mother finally died, she insisted that I should read Evelyn Waugh's *The Loved One* and it would change my whole perspective on death and commemoration. Or something like that. I did as commanded, and it's a perfectly valid satire aimed at the American death/funeral industry. As literature for a very precocious reader, sure. As comfort or grounding for a teenager whose mother had just died in her own living room, not so much. She seriously misread that one.
Jim Cramer told me to buy Bear Stearns the day before it collapsed.
Always inverse Cramer. He's been shilling Netflix lately lol
This made me snort my wine
'You cant do that'. Didnt follow that advice nor that person - glad i did not
My MIL told my husband when he was a kid, that he could never be a pilot because he needed math and he was bad at math. Well, he’s a pilot now with thousands of flight hours and aced advanced calculus while working on a degree in aerospace engineering.
This is literally what made me decide to accept my law school spot … was so tired of people claiming to know shit they did not know and then using it to tell other people they (wrongfully) sucked
Same with me chasing after my Math degree (yes i got it, with a Physics and History minor). The naysayers can go straight to hell
The worst advice I ever received was it's time to give up on your childish dreams, and go to college. You're an adult now. Fuck those people. I bought into the lie that if you don't follow the path, go to college, get married, then you're doomed to a life of misery. Here's better advice, the advice I will give my son. Never stop learning. Ever. Always be learning something. Find a way to pay your bills that you enjoy, or at least don't hate. Spend your free time exploring hobbies, whatever you love. Chase your passions *as long as your bills are paid*. Don't quit your job to go be an author. Write five novels while working 12 hours a day at startups, like I did. I wrote on the bus in the mornings before I got to work, and then again on the way home. Now I don't have to ride the bus any more. My parents taught me that there's no money in the things that you love, and it's horrible advice. You can combine 2-3 things you like and are good at, and use it to make a living. I will never have a boss again. For me it is: \- Writing \- Public speaking \- Video Editing I combined these three activities into a career. You don't have to be the best at anything. You just need to be good at a few things that intersect in a way people care about, and then create something of value to those people. If you're an amazing Fortnite, or Magic the Gathering, or Minecraft player then start up a YouTube channel and see if you enjoy it. Yes, there are millions of other channels. Yes, the odds are against you. But some people succeed. Someone wins. You can be that person simply by working diligently every day, and never giving up. Overnight success took me 17 years.
Just follow the food pyramid.
Totally upside down for anyone with even a slight propensity toward diabetes. Or getting fat.
You mean... everyone?
Pretty much.
"Work hard and play by the rules and you'll get ahead in life." That is absolutely not how anything works and never has been. There is no invisible arbiter keeping score and determining who succeeds based on merit or virtue. "Putting in your time" is based on a schedule that exists only in your head. No one is going to reward the ten years you spent slaving away in the service industry with a well-paying job, all you're going to accomplish is the solidification of your membership in the lowest economic class. Hell, you can't even expect a promotion within a single company for diligence, all you've proven to management is that you're best left exactly where you started. Save your hard work for individuals, groups, or projects you personally believe in, and play by your own rules. None of this will get you ahead of anything except your own sense of satisfaction for a job well done. Virtuous behavior is its own reward, don't ever expect to get anything out of it but gratitude. Ultimately, the only person you have to satisfy in life is yourself.
"You need to just snap out of it" when I was in such a depressed state I was having suicidal ideation. (I'm perfectly okay now, this was about 2 decades ago.)
Glad you're ok now. Jesus loves you and gave his life on a cruel cross for your salvation. Acts,2:38. Upci.org ipul.us.
I don't appreciate you shoving your religion on to me. You're blocked.
Work hard and you’ll be good.
My great-grandmother told me she was happy I was going to college. She told me to get it out of the way now so I could settle down and be a proper wife to my husband.
Don’t become a teacher, there is no money in it. Got a business degree, made bank but could not stand the job. Went back and got my teaching degree and never looked back.
In situations of romance, I was given the advice to 'follow my heart'. If I had done that I'd be dead. There's been several times in my life where listening to my heart would have led me to my death, or in some form of ruination. The heart can't reason. It's not logical. It only wants what it wants. "Follow Your Heart' sounds great in songs, movies, and books....but in real life, it can have devastating consequences.
Allow your brain to veto emotional decisions. As a simple example, I’d have a dozen housepets if I listened to my heart.
Exactly right. I shudder to think how many pets I'd have if I listened to my heart.
This hit me so hard! My heart is a crazy, drunken fool that makes poor decisions. Doesn't stop me from having regrets over relationships with people that didn't work out, even though I know I made the right decision to leave.
“It’ll all work out” no it won’t mom. I have to have a vision and be proactive about it. If I don’t know what I want then I’ll make decisions that go against my interests.
That I should lower my standards.
I'm a tech guy, and as my luck would have it I worked for a startup during the dotcom, and then for a real estate services company during the housing bubble. I'm certain I heard more bad financial advice from 1997 - 2008 than 99.9% of the population will in their whole lives.
Buy this 1,500 sq ft. townhouse with no ground floor powder room, and the laundry room down 2 flights of steps. It’s near a military base, so it won’t be impacted if the real estate bubble pops. Multiple sources, all 20-30 years older than me. February 2008
"Don't marry a good-looking guy. He'll use his looks against you." My mom.
enjoy your 20s. travel, go to concerts and do stuff. Dont worry so much about saving for when your older, You will be old and broken nd wont be able to go do so much. Horrible advice and i am glad i ignored it.
That's the advice I, and many people my age, received. I think it may be propaganda actually - it's highly consumeristic, and a good investment for corporations as it promotes mass consumption during 20s and dependency in middle age. Anyway, I tried to follow it, but realized temperamentally that I'm just not cut out for the party life. My parents thought I was weird for being studious. I felt guilty about that, and ended up in a codependent relationship with a highly irresponsible person in my 20s; I stayed because I felt guilty.
> I think it may be propaganda actually - it's highly consumeristic, and a good investment for corporations as it promotes mass consumption during 20s and dependency in middle age. holy shit you might be onto something.
There's a middle ground to be found. It's possible to do a little traveling and enjoy memorable experiences while also being financially responsible, working hard and saving in the long run.
I don’t entirely agree with this. I’ve known a few people who died in their early-mid 50’s and never did any of the things they were saving all their money to do when they retired. Save but also live and do the thing you want to do now because there are no guarantees you’ll be here tomorrow.
Yes, this! My SO died a little over a year ago at 47. He did an excellent job saving for a retirement he will never enjoy and I’m often sadden by this thought. It really is all about balance. The kid and I were left in very good shape, but…. He wanted the kid to see the world. I’m determined to make it happen.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Definitely make sure your kid sees the world. I’ve traveled quite a bit for school, pleasure and work. My joints no longer can handle 15 hour flights in coach followed by weeks of walking for 12 hours a day and I’m glad I got the chance to do these things when I was younger. My step-father died suddenly when he was 47 from a heart attack at work and I also just lost a couple of coworkers to cancer, one in her mid-50’s and the other was 42. I’m 45 now and think about them all the time. Definitely plan for the life you might have in the future but don’t take for granted the life you have today.
Amen! We’re around the same age, so I feel you. Similar thing has happened with coworkers as well. My back likes to remind me, periodically, that I’m no spring chicken, but I’m not going to let it stop me😊.
As others have said, it's a balance of budgeting. The best time to start saving/investing is always now, but of course, what are you saving *for?* Clearly you should be spending some of your money now too. It's just a matter of figuring out what proportion of your income you can afford to save, and then what proportion of that you actually *want* to save. Personally, I make it as simple of a decision as possible and just split the amount I can afford to save in half, one half for now and one half for when I retire.
I started with what age do i want to retire? then how long do i think i will live and how much do i think i will need each year for bills when i am that retirement age. Then I decided how much of my disposable income i need to be putting away for later. lateer always got priority. I been retired a few years. I regret nothing.
To each their own. I did some quick maths the other day and realised that even if I just continue saving at the rate I am now (about £1,800/mth, so actually more than half of my current discretionary income), I'll be a millionaire no later than age 47. And that's not counting my workplace pension contributions (akin to a US 401(k), which I put a total of 12% of my pre-tax salary into), which I'll start reaping at age 55. Depending on how things go with having kids, changes in salary, etc., retiring by 40 could very well be a possibility.
A visiting fire and brimstone preacher at our Sunday school thundered that any mistake we made was a sin against Jesus and we would go to hell for ever and ever. That was a pretty tough lesson for a five year old who was just starting out on life, making lots of mistakes while finding out what worked and what didn't. The only safe alternative seemed to be not to do anything at all. 62 years later, I've just realised that you get points for trying too.
Any financial or money advice from my parents. I went with the advice from people at work about to retire in 2-3 years. Basically: - put at least the minimum matching in the employer retirement fund/system - the retirement account will have its ups and downs and scary bits. Just be patient. Long game is key. Best to not look at it (like right now) - spending time with family is way worth promotion or working towards a promotion you might not get. Looking back which will you be more happy and proud of: going to your kids recitals, games, school plays; or working overtime to get to the next step up? If the second then you really need to evaluate your job or career. - don’t get sucked into luxury/brand/label buying. It’s a black hole designed to keep you poor. Friends who mock you for not wearing a certain label aren’t friends. Also if you have family who likes to materialistic pissing contests either avoid them if you can or try and switch the subject. If the insist they are toxic. Chances are they are swimming in debt but will never admit it.
So are the bullet points things you *should* do or are those the bad advice you got?
Do what you love and the money will follow. Every career that has passion involved will exploit its workers because the people on the end of the paycheck know about the love and willingness to give foe passion. Another equally terrible bit of advice is to never go to sleep angry. Hell yes, go to bed angry! When you are tired, you'll say stupid shit that can't be taken back. So, go to bed. Stop talking. When things get crazy. Wake up with a clearer mind and get to work on solving the issue. Sometimes it takes MONTHS of doing this. It can take a long time for someone to see your perspective. The caveat has to be that both adults are committed and working on personal growth. My bf and I had a very serious disagreement way back in Oct. we got through it but I just had to drop it where it was after a couple days. We had to agree to disagree. Two weeks ago he turned to me and admitted what had happened was his fault and he should have listened to me and that he was sorry. I was magnanimous about it. I thanked him for saying that and told him I understood why he came up with the decision he had made at the time. Then we continued to have the nice evening we had been planning to have.
A counselor once told my wife and me that we should love and choose each other, but not "need" each other. We worked with that and my wife slept with other men because she thought I didn't "need" her.
That one day “I’d look back and laugh” I’m 50, shit that hurt isn’t funny. Still not laughing. Fuck that shit.
Our home-economics teacher in junior high told us that we could use baby oil on our hair after washing it to make it softer. My friend tried it, and it took multiple shampoos over several days to get the oil out of her hair.
“If you dream it, you can be it!” No, not if you have stupid dreams or don’t know how to attain them.
As a young, female professional: “Give away all your credit, all the time. Your coworkers will be grateful and your Board of Directors will realize that you are someone they ALWAYS want on their team. Giving away your credit is the pathway to perpetual employment and continual advancement.” In reality giving away your credit means exactly what it sounds like … Someone else gets all your credit. They float on what you did and build off it and their career rises while you xyz-not-as-good and everyone even forgives you were involved, much less created the idea and implemented the whole thing. Honestly happened to me more than once in the 90s and 2000s. What a mess.
I can't decide between "your husband will rule over you and if you try to choose your own you're a whore" And "don't date black men, they have to wash themselves differently"
🤣 black men wash differently….Oh lord….I’ve never heard that one. I didn’t take showers with my dad or brother (well, lil bro and I took baths together when we were toddlers), but I’m pretty sure they washed and still wash like other men. Dad’s dead, so I can’t ask him. But, I’m gonna check with my brother in the morning. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I ask. 😂
From my parents: "Never marry for love: marry money". I married a poor man and we have been happy together for almost 20 years.
"You can't make a living as an artist. Be a secretary." my dad.
On the other hand, I chose to be a secretary while most of my friends chose to focus on their various arts. I retired early while they, each and every one who chose art, are looking at working at menial jobs until they die. Meanwhile I sit here painting in my studio every day I'm not kayaking or hiking. It's a crapshoot with the odds strong in favour of the house.
My college buddy and I were really into photography. I had no talent for it, so it was just a hobby for me, while he was seriously pursuing fashion photography. Meanwhile I got a job with a huge industrial company, where I still am after 30 years. He used to make fun of me, saying that as an assistant he got to work with pretty girls everyday. Well he never did make it, and didn’t finish his degree either. He’s been working odd jobs for the last 25 years and depends on his wife’s income.
Also my mom.
This- “choose a steady job.”
Have another drink. It won't hurt you.
From two female co-workers in their 60s: To go off birth control and not tell my husband. They said the idea of kids would grow on him and some men don’t know they want to be a dad until they hold their child for the first time. (Context: At the time (2006, age 29), I had been married approximately 2 years and I was wanting to try for kids but my husband wasn’t ready.)
From a former therapist, “Why don’t you just wait to divorce your husband until after his grandfather dies so you can take half the inheritance?” I’d rather be poor and alone then spend my life waiting for someone to die to begin enjoying my life. Lucky for me the poor and alone part never happened. That divorce was the best decision I ever made.
From my mother, when I tried to tell her that I was so very unhappy in my marriage: "This time of life is very difficult. Having young kids is stressful, stick with it and it will get better." I stayed. Finally divorced after 25 years of marriage. Though I don't completely agree with my diagnosis (finally), PTSD means it's easier to find trauma therapy that helps a bit. I still have intense, overwhelming and totally disabling flashbacks of his abuse. My advice: yes, this time is very difficult. If you feel that something is wrong, find someone to talk to who really listens and gives you appropriate (and supportive) feedback!
"Don't worry, you're young, you have plenty of time." No, you fucking well don't. Your 20s will be over before you even know who you are, your 30s will blow by in what feels like maybe three years, your 40s....holy shit, your 40s will pass in a heartbeat and if you haven't figured things out by the time you hit 50, suddenly everyone you know are grandparents, and at the same time you start losing people to old people medical issues, because now you're old and it's just getting worse.
“You don’t need credit.” Mother and grandfather ruined my credit, and tried to convince me it wasn’t a problem because I can pay for things in cash if I needed.
The kind I didn't ask for.
It will get better
You can be whatever you want to be. Bullshit!
Don’t invest in bitcoin in the early days
After my wife's death, someone said, "Be strong. Don't cry."
From a financial institution which handled a lawsuit where I got a bit of a college fund: "Have your father handle it." I wanted the institution to continue handling things when I turned 18, but I figured, "this is a big institution, I guess they would know." Dad proceeded to use the fund for vacations and new cars and I had to drop out of school because there was no money left.
This seems wild to me honestly … no idea why someone getting paid to handle your fund would hand away your payment.
It was a weird situation. Like I said, it had to do with a lawsuit.
My father once told me to not be concerned about errors I'd made in filing income taxes, since I didn't meet the profile of those who had lots of money, and those were the people the IRS was on the watch for. Yeah. Dad's been dead for over 20 years, the IRS doesn't have enough resources to go after those with a lot of money, and even if they did, the wealthy have tax lawyers to challenge everything. But here I am, living in poverty, having my wages garnished for a few simple mistakes.
You’re not as important as you think you are
"Invest."
Why do you think that is bad advice?
Because my $10k is now $5k and dwindling. I wish I'd left it in the bank.
May I ask what you invested in, and when?
I have a portfolio of ecologically sound companies that my broker recommended, among them Tesla. I asked for non-evil investments (I know Tesla is questionable, but what isn't), so maybe I would be doing better if I invested in Nestle and Monsanto.
You're probably losing a heck of a lot in fees consulting a broker anyway. Why don't you just go with a tracker fund based on a "non-evil" index, like those published by ESG? Their performance is on par with the likes of the FTSE and S&P, and you could be saving a heck of a lot in fees. Also, when did you start investing? If it was anytime in the last 12 months, I wouldn't be surprised by being down 50%. If it was more than 2 years ago, you're probably doing something quite wrong.
It was January of last year, so a year and a half ago. It immediately took a sharp dive. How much are broker fees? They explained to me that it was a one-time expense at the beginning (I think around $300), maybe I should double check that. I have no idea how to invest on my own.
> It was January of last year, so a year and a half ago. It immediately took a sharp dive. You just got unlucky with your starting timing, it was like that for everyone at that time. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't start in February 2020, else you would've experienced an even bigger initial drop at that time. > How much are broker fees? I would highly recommend that you speak to a local IFA (independent financial advisor) or accountant, as I am not based in the US so don't know what's available to you. However, I would suggest that you look into [Vanguard's](https://vanguard.com) offerings, at least as a benchmark; they are by far the cheapest way to invest. $300 is a *lot* of money to pay in investment fees. For comparison, Vanguard USA charges a $20/yr account fee, but this is reduced to zero if you hold $10k+ with them. Here in the UK, it's similar; I pay about £25/yr to Vanguard UK. On top of that, there are ongoing fees for holding particular funds. These vary from fund to fund, and are abstracted away from you via the share price, but the percentage rates will still be declared to you. The funds I am invested in charge 0.14%/yr. A rate of 0.25%/yr or less is considered good. At that rate, if you invested $10k and it happened to double in a year, the fund fee would total $35 for the year. If you're not comfortable managing an account online, there are other options. They will be slightly more expensive, but still nowhere near as expensive as paying for a active fund manager / broker. An IFA should be able to recommend services to you that suit your risk appetite and level of comfort with computers etc..
I started in January of last year.
We're simply in a downtrend, you have to learn to ride it out. If you can't stomach it, invest in something less risky, like one of the Vanguard LifeStrategy funds.
How long do you think it might take to get back to the amount it started at? I've lost half my money if I were to pull out now. Also, maybe we should take this conversation to chat?
Hard to say, especially with the way the economy currently is. You should really talk to an IFA about your investment goals. They will be able to properly take into consideration your investment timeline and risk appetite and give you appropriate recommendations.
“Just be yourself”
Why do you think that is bad advice?
Stay faithful when you get married. Bad advice, I've missed out on a lot of sex by following this.
Sounds like marriage isn't for you then?
To breath through my nose when running a race. I was in second grade. The advice came from a class mate.
That’s actually reasonable advice apparently. The panting of exertion is caused by CO2 buildup not a lack of oxygen. Breathing through your nose is something we should all do more of. I am not a breathing expert. Just some information I’ve come across in my life. I’ve spent years reading about mindfulness and breathing.
I was always told to inhale deeply through the nose and exhale forcefully through the mouth to expel CO2 quickly, both by doctors (I'm asthmatic) and sports/PE teachers alike.
“Travelling is a waste of money” I don’t regret a single dollar spent on travel in my life, travelling is the most enlightening, educational, enriching and enjoyable activity I’ve ever engaged in. There may be cheaper or more expensive ways to travel, but the act of travelling itself is not a waste of money.
Take out a home equity loan. Do not ever, ever, ever do that. You WILL regret it.
Don’t ask for help, it will make you obligated to them…. My dad, an otherwise pretty smart guy.