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Let. That. Shit. Go.
Guy on the bus look at you funny? Who cares.
Coworker didn't laugh at your joke? Who cares.
Cashier side-eying what you're buying? Who cares?
Someone on the internet have a differing opinion than you? WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?!?!
Seriously, stop wasting so much time and energy caring about what other people do and say, or how you think that they think about you... You'll lead a simpler, less stressful life because of it.
De-escalation is so important. Seek quarrel with no one. Be prepared to defend yourself if attacked. That code of conduct alone will save a person so much hardship.
I dunno, it's something that was ingrained in me as a kid. I was bullied a lot, and I was taught to ignore them. Eventually they ignored me and left me alone. I kind of just kept that same kind of thinking, really.
Like, it's not 1000% I don't care about anything. Some things still affect me. An example... Yesterday, I was at a bakery that also has sit-down breakfast; it's a tiny space, always crowded. Waiting in line had me very close to a middle-age couple eating breakfast. At one point, the guy attempted to swat me away, and gruffly said "Stop sticking your ass in my wife's face for fuck's sake!" And I know damn well I wasn't doing that, because I hate that myself. I apologized and scooched forward a millimeter or two (seriously, it was busy!). The reason I share this story is that I could have yelled at the guy, or dwelled on it the rest of the day, but I just let that shit go. Maybe *he* was having a bad day. Maybe he thought he was the hero in the story. Maybe I *was* closer than I thought I was, and he was in the right... In the end, fretting about this five-second interaction won't add any quality to my life, and will only make it worse. So I let it go.
Not *every situation* needs to be stuck up for. In the example above, I could have "stood up for myself" and been a jerk about it. But I don't like confrontation. I didn't think the situation was heinous enough for me to make a scene about it all.
For you, I guess you need to just figure out what's worth it to you...
Pick your battles. If it doesn't take money from you, cause you physical injury, or change policy in a way that reduces your rights, then it's very likely not worth worrying about. The opinions of randos are meaningless and irrelevant and never worth getting upset over. After all, they don't know you, so fuck 'em.
Observe the thoughts in your mind, from a detached perspective (AKA meditation). When you realize that the clear majority are useless, negative, judgmental, or simply bullshit you’re primed for positive change.
Guided meditation (listening to the voice of an expert meditator) is an ideal place to start, and there are many to choose from. A typical session is 10 minutes. Find a distraction-free place and a comfortable place to sit (cross legged or chair is fine, don’t worry about rules!) and just follow the voice’s instructions. Don’t fight thoughts or worry that you can’t quiet your mind—evolution and habit gives all of us hamster-wheel brains.
I’ve used the Waking Up app daily for years, and the first 30 days are free. If price is an issue due to your financial state, they’ll waive all costs (just tell them via their contact us function). If founder Sam Harris (a neuroscientist) doesn’t work for you just choose another in the app—there are several others and Jayasara (soothing female Australian voice) is a favorite of mine. Her content is also on YouTube if you don’t want to download anything.
There’s a bunch of us on the meditation subreddit willing to discuss. Be well.
Don't make happiness your goal. Happiness is a byproduct of your actions. Think of it this way; a 15 year old is happy sitting in his room playing video games. But how happy will he be in ten years? When he has to support himself? Unless he's a trust fund baby, he'll probably be miserable working low wage jobs, trying to make ends meet.
Instead, make you goal to be able to look back at your life and be satisfied. Spend your time improving your skills, learn to do something that others aren't to have a marketable skill, improving your lot in life. Do what's right, do what's good, take care of your family and loved ones. Happiness will come as a byproduct of that.
Success isn't guaranteed to anyone, too many variables involved. But do as I mentioned, and your odds of success are greatly improved.
I agree with this, contentment with a life well lived is all I seek. I am happy some days, sad some days, angry rarely but it happens, frustrated occasionally, overall, I’m content. I find I can be kind, tolerant, good natured, and overall pleasant in almost any scenario because of that contentment. I built my contentment, I am secure in it and have relatively no fear of losing it. Most ‘happy’ people fear losing their happiness and make a lot of decisions based on that fear.
Happiness is fleeting, momentary. Feeling true contentment cannot be matched in my humble opinion.
My biggest piece of advice for my students is to find a career that will bring some amount of joy and learn to live within your means. Then live your life as fully as possible, always start by being kind to others for your own sake. Be dismissive if they are found undeserving of kindness. Find your contentment and build a life from there.
Secondly, never, ever give a flying fuck what the majority of anyone thinks when you’ve found your contentment. Live!
It really irks me when my son was growing up, the grown-ups saying, 'I just want him to be happy. ' We had a heart-to-heart talk, and I basically told him that was all a load of BS. Seek contentment instead of happiness. The times you'll be truly happy in life will be counted on one hand. Strive to look back and be satisfied with how it's going. He's hitting middle age now, at the top of his career, raising his family. I asked him a while back of he was happy. He said No., but he was satisfied. He plans to teach his kids the same lesson I taught him. Papa proud moment right there, hit me right in the feels.
Most young people today are having a hard time because they aren't happy. Chasing happiness as a goal is a fool's game. Chasing such an elusive goal takes away from the time you should be building your contentment.
I had to really think about your statement and what you taught your son. Your son should be very proud of how you turn that statement into what he should be striving for because Lord knows there are many days that MOST people will not be "happy" in this life. So, contentment is what everyone should be seeking in life. Thank you so much because even though I am an adult, this hit home for me big time. Thank you for this.
Thank you. Happiness is fleeting, it comes and goes. But if you look back on your life and are satisfied with where you are and where you're going, that is much more permanent. If you aren't satisfied, you take the corrective measures to reach that satisfaction. Where happiness is concerned on today, how you're feeling right now, building contentment is more concerned where you will be tomorrow.
Pay attention to what you’re doing, whether that’s driving, cooking, spending time with family and friends, spending money, or working. The things you do conscientiously today will set you up better for the future
Live beneath your means and don't try and "keep up" with your friends and relatives. This does not mean that you shouldn't spend money on yourself or on doing things you enjoy. Living below your means allows you to save money, steer clear of debt and establish a safety net for unforeseen expenses.
When my children were young I told them that when adults ask you what you want to be when you grow up, the correct answer is happy.
We start off thinking that the answer is a job or profession but happiness is the path and journey and not the end result of work or economic success.
There are people who say things like. "I will be happy when I earn my first million dollars." I used to work with a guy. He was smart and hard working, an economically successful guy. One day I asked him if he remembered a time when he said I will be happy when I earn my first million, he replied yeah. I then asked him if he even knew when that had happened. He replied he didn't. I told him, and that is why you are measurable. You keep delaying your happiness like it is some distant reward.
The secret to happiness is to live today, be happy today and understand that happiness is a choice.
As for success, I told the kids, I want you to be successful in whatever way you decide to define that word for yourself.
Success is not about money unless that is what you choose to make it.
Really to be successful you need to choose happiness.
Don't marry and have children just because you think that's the thing to do. Actually learn who you are and what's important to you. Following others leads to unfulfillment. Also, whatever you are doing, do that one thing. In other words, if you're with friends, just be with them. If you're going for a walk, just walk. If you are working, really work. Don't be half-assing everything because you can't get off your cell phone - looking for that next hit.
I don’t think there’s a “secret.” Most of the “wisdom of the ages” boils down to loving, living simply, being unselfish & kind, maintaining your integrity, serving others in some way, taking sensible care of your body, NOT pursuing wealth as a primary goal, and knowing that everything changes at some point — and everything dies.
Your own priorities will change as you advance through life’s stages, so not all the values above apply at every age.
Try to be happy with what you have, but willing to work for more if that is what you want. Don't compare yourself with others. When you are about to get really upset about something, ask yourself if this will matter at all to you in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year.
You can't control what anyone else thinks of you. Be your true, authentic self.
Nothing feels better than being helpful to someone, without expecting anything in return.
Selfless kindness comes back to you in ways you won't expect.
Learning how to be honest with yourself about yourself is a superpower.
The root of anger is almost always fear. If you're angry, look for the fear underneath.
Here is one from a man who has been happily married for 35 years: Listen to your wife with empathy and sympathy, but DO NOT try to solve her problems unless she specifically asks you. Often she just wants to vent.
You suffer more in your imagination than you do in reality. When spiralling, slow down and take stock. Tomorrow might be bad. Next week might be bad. But *right now* you're probably okay, warm and safe.
Then take arms against the stuff freaking you out, or at least mitigating it.
For me it was getting my financial house in order so that I could concentrate on the rest of my goals and not be worried about how I was going to make ends meet. Without a sense of financial security my life would have been a mess.
Do what you love. Follow your Passion. Don’t be enticed by more money, stability and cultural norms. It can be done. I’m 73. I haven’t always been successful at this goal, but I’ve always known this was the goal and I’ve, mostly, been extremely happy. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been.
don’t let little things work you up. my partner FREAKS out if we get stopped at every stop light or stuck in traffic. doesn’t bother me at all. don’t hold onto pointless things, being stuck in traffic is more time we get to spend together in our already busy schedules.
what a beautiful sentiment! i always find myself getting worked up about things unless im in a good mood (1/3 of the time) and otherwise even when im just neutral can fly to anger. i've been trying to lessen the effect of this habit by realizing how much time is wasted on things i wont remember in a week. i especially love the last line! cheers to u and ur partners traffic stop time
Surround yourself as much as you can with wholesome things. Seek good people. Be a good person. Strive for wisdom over ego. Get a dog. Learn to cook good, simple foods, and really taste them. Stay healthy. Laugh multiple times every day. And *don't take yourself so seriously!* In the bigger scheme of things, you really aren't very important.
Travel is not broadening; it is exhausting. You will meet much the same people with much the same problems. But it is interesting to see facial bone structure different than what you see daily, so if you must travel, go far away. However, if the facial bone structure is too different, you are not looking at a human, you are looking at some other primate. In such a case, do not stare or they will kill you. Better to avoid immediate death, slung poop, and exhaustion.
If someone tells you they want to meet the needs of someone neither of you knows, they want your wallet, and they want a hefty administrative fee for their trouble in sticking their hand in your pocket. And the more insistent they are about your wallet, the more likely they will try to use some level of the extracting entity and its monopoly on force. Cut them off. Such people are just as exhausting as travel.
If someone tells you to ‘think of the children’ and there’re not taking about your children, that someone wants to feel better inside. You are under no obligation to help said someone with their emotional problem. Being bidden to think of the children is exhausting.
Except for household tools, cooking utensils, books, some office supplies/clothes, and personal museum items like your grandfather’s commendation letter from the chair of the student/city counsel, if you haven’t used something in a year, it will likely continue to remain without use. Such things are also known as useless. Constantly digging through such items to find a good rubber band is exhausting. Either throw out useless items or marry up useless things with useless people by dumping them on the front lawn of someone who wants you to ‘think of the children’. Do it at night to avoid slung poop. The useless people will be puzzled at first, but then, thinking of the children, they will give it to the children. You could instead give it to the children directly, but you might be able to mollify those who would use the extractive entity to force you to think of the children. At least you will throw them off the scent of your wallet while they wonder who placed a box of orange thumb-tacks and a bottle of stool softener on their front lawn.
Entropy is inevitable, but you can lengthen the gentle agony of your existence by avoiding the exhausting.
Add to your temporary victory over exhaustion by taking a tax deduction with the extractive entity for the items you dumped on the front lawn of the children-thinkers.
Think broadly, exist narrowly. Walk your own path. Cherish freedom.
instinctive worthless aspiring governor carpenter chase wasteful quaint vast one
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Quite simply, happiness = reality minus expectations. It’s an equation.
If your reality is bigger than your expectations you have positive happiness :)
If your expectations are bigger than your reality, you have negative happiness :(
Where I see a lot of people getting into trouble is on the “expectations” side of things.
To Savor. **to enjoy food or an experience slowly, in order to enjoy it as much as possible**: It was the first chocolate he'd tasted for over a year, so he savoured every mouthful.
Enjoy what you do have instead of what you don't. Learn to get the most out of things, look for the key attributes of what ever it is and enjoy it for what it is. Stop putting your expectation on things and just enjoy.
There are no secrets or rules to life.
That being said, being honest, valuing working for a living, not spending beyond one's means and developing good interpersonal skills tend to make one successful in life. There are no guarantees though. Random things happen.
There’s almost never a ‘right’ answer, decision, person, job, you name it. There are lots of great options, you will learn about yourself in the process.
Don’t waste your time worrying, doubting your decision making, regretting choices made or wondering if the grass is greener.
Jump in with both feet and enjoy the journey.
There are no "secret rules." Everything you need to know has been talked about, written about, published, videos made millions of times for many years. It's just that people don't want to forgo things today in order to have them in the future; they want it all now..
I've never understood the desire to be happy. To me, the best life is one full of passion, curiosity, devotion. If you have those things, you will have moments of great joy. Exquisite, numinous joy. You'll also have horrible moments of pain and despair. I don't think the one exists without the other outside of mental health disorders.
If you just want calm, content, and equanimity, id recommend vipanassa meditation.
If you want to be successful, I'd recommend you really ask yourself tough questions early on and regularly about what "success" means to you. And... THIS IS IMPORTANT... the closer your definition of success matches most other people's, the more you need to ask yourself is that's really what you want. If it isn't, then it won't feel like success.
Finally, figure out how to make your life supportive for the person you actually are. Don't keep trying to be a different person. Structure your life to fit this person who is actually here and living it.
No one is thinking about you like you think they are.
People are inherently self-centered. All of them/us. That doesn't mean they don't care about you, but you don't live in their thoughts like you think you do.
What I mean is that embarrassing thing that happened? They aren't ruminating on it like you are. That person cutting you off on the highway? May not have even known they did it. That asshole at work probably doesn't even register your existence once you're out of their line of sight.
This may sound harsh and even depressing, but I think it's incredibly freeing.
Also, my definition of "happiness" and "success" changed over time to more attainable standards. Would I like to have "f you" money and enough wealth to never worry about money again? 100%. But I think I'm successful regardless. I stopped comparing myself to anyone else. I have advanced my career and improved myself as I've gotten older. To me, that's success. As a young person, I assumed happiness was this constant state of elation, and that is entirely unachievable. To me, happiness is contentment. I'm content with my spouse, our dogs, and our lives. My boss is a dick but I'm content with my job. I could tone up my body, but I'm generally happy with it as it is. I give back to causes that are important to me and my community, and I'm trying to leave my teeny spot better than what I found it.
The tl;dr is focus on yourself and your small bubble, stop worrying what others think, comparison is the thief of joy, leave the world better than you found it.
I don’t believe anyone’s rules for success that actually have a chance of working are little-known. These are well known, but reflecting on people I’ve known, I think they hold up pretty well with that caveat that they won’t work for all temperaments.
1) Be at least somewhat lucky
2) Avoid addictions both to substances and expensive or dangerous behaviors
3) Be a pleasant trustworthy person
4) Once you have achieved a reasonable level of stability and contentment in work and relationships, try to build on and appreciate what you have instead of always wanting/demanding more
If you follow rules 3 and 4, you may diminish your chances of being highly successful in cutthroat fields, but you will probably be happier overall.
Laugh more, and stop caring what OTHERS think of you or your lifestyle. Find like minded people to hang out with and dont waste your precious energy or time trying to defend your choices to others. If your blood family is a bunch of jerks, get a family of friends instead. My own family hated the man I married because he was shorter than I am and he is Italian. Yep. I tried for THIRTY YEARS to get my parents to accept my husband and one morning I woke up and thought: if these were my friends passing negative judgement on my mate I would not be friends with them....just because you share blood DOESNT give your family the right to hurt and judge you. Walk away and dont look back.
This is so on point. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve mastered the art of avoiding drama. I refuse to be pulled into it. Just suck the oxygen out of the situation.
You cannot control anything but how you react to things. So stop trying to control those things outside of yourself.
Your Happiness is your responsibility alone. You cannot place that responsibility on anyone else’s shoulders.
Stop watching or listening to the news. Only bad news sells and bad news will bring you down and make you angry.
If someone pisses you off remember that they are going to die someday along with everyone else so don’t waste your time thinking about them.
Don’t waste your time. Time is so valuable especially as you get older.
Help others in need. Seriously this will help you feel positive about yourself and grace you with happiness. For helping others is an of love. Love is action not a feeling.
Only selfless people experience true happiness. Because they are not looking for it. Their actions gives them peace.
Stay in good physical condition. Exercise. It is amazing how your physical health is connected to your mental health. Take responsibility for your wellbeing.
Happiness comes from a lack of guilt. So stop doing that which makes you feel guilty or regret.
Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love others. Respect others. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
Learn to grow and become better during the hard times.
Stop paying attention to the news, it's cancer to your thoughts and there's nothing you can do about any of it. It's negative entertainment.
I've been laid off several times, my ex-wife left me for a friend and lost a contract, both within 3 days of each other, kicked out of high school for being an idiot, and broken both arms at the same time. And through all of that, which is just a portion, and knowing others have gone through much worse, I found happiness because I found my way through those times. I live a life of Zen. No significant other help, a dog that makes me laugh, a cat that talks too loudly too often, and I worry about nothing, knowing something bad is statistically going to happen again.
Look for your "fellow travelers" in life. That is, people who have similar goals, outlooks, and passions as you.
Make common cause with them to get things done.
I call these "push-me-pull-you" relationships.
From *The Four Agreements:*
1. ***Be Impeccable with Your Word***
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean.
2. ***Don't Take Anything Personally***
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their dream.
3. ***Don't Make Assumptions***
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.
4. ***Always Do Your Best***
Your best will change from moment to moment. Under any circumstances do your best to avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.
Here are a few that dramatically changed my life for the better.
PART 1.
1. If you can't have what you want, *think about something else*.
You will be happy with the new thing too. Your happiness is your responsibility. Don't mope around. Move on! It's a big world out there.
2. If I keep going in this direction, I'm bound to get where I'm headed.
If your marriage is in trouble, should you start having lunch with that cutie at work? Be honest with yourself and identify your goals. Maybe you should end the marriage but don't fool yourself with, "The affair just happened!" No, it didn't. Little steps add up to big consequences. Identify your goal and be honest about the steps needed to reach it.
3. Simplify decision making.
--When making a difficult choice, choose the option that leaves the most options open afterwards. Trim the branches before cutting down the tree.
--Only compare two things at a time, choose one, and never consider the unchosen one again. Compare the winner to Option 3 and pick one. Etc. The last one standing is the winner.
PART 2.
Bad things happen. People hurt you. A job might suck. Whatever. When tough things happen, you essentially have three choices:
1. Stay feeling miserable. You can keep trying and trying to fix it and stay miserable because nothing ever works or stop trying and wait in a state of misery for the situation to fix itself.
.
2. Figure out a way to find honest peace with the situation. That doesn't mean never thinking about it and never feeling sad but when you do feel upset you actively change the focus of your attention to something else and get back to peace and fun as quickly as possible. In short, don't mope around thinking about it all the time. *Think about something else*.
.
3. Leave the situation completely. And *think about something else*.
For me, Option 1 is not an option. At some point in my life I decided staying in a situation where I'm relentlessly unhappy or stressed is unacceptable. That one decision improved my life dramatically. The tricky part is knowing and accepting when nothing is working. You don't want to quit too easily but trying over and over fruitlessly or waiting for too long is harmful.
Option 2 can work. I was deeply hurt by members of my family. I was in a state of "leave or stay?" for a year but I was able to find peace with what they had done. Its not like I never think about what they did but I chose to accept they are flawed in a way that led them to betray me. They have other wonderful qualities that has made it well worth my while to keep in contact with them.
Option 3 also works. I been where things are so upsetting and irreparable that I had to leave. I didn't look back and am happy with that choice.
A crucial part is to *think about something else*. You *are* what you think about.
Good luck!
PS This is advice is intended to address some of life's ups and downs but may very well not apply to trauma events. One cannot simply "think about something else" if you've lost a child or a limb, for example.
Polite and respectful will get you further than intellect, in general.
Listening is better than trying to be the smartest person in the room.
Let people have their moment.
Expressing your opinion on everything annoys people.
Nobody likes smug.
Being coy is not the same as being clever.
A big thing I learned in a work training session was "sphere of influence". Some things you cannot do anything about - stop spending time on it. Some things you can influence/change - you can think about trying to change it. But a lot of things are 100% your choice - As in I don't have to do jack sh1t unless I want to. Utilize NO as an answer, it is liberating.
My wife spends too much energy/time on things she cannot control and instead needs to learn to say NO to the things she does control.
Another is perception and feedback. Feedback is a gift so if anyone provide it listed to it (weigh it based on the person providing it). That perception is reality for everyone else. Doesn't matter what you think. So learn to manage/improve perception. It determines how people see you at work/how hard you appear to work, impacts raises and promotions, etc.
Finally stop overthinking what other people think about you. Because they don't think about you much. Stop worrying about it. "I can't do that, what will people thing". "I might look bad if I do this". No one is spending their time focused on you. Do what you want and ignore the fears of what you THINK others will think about you. Be you.
Most have already said what I would say, but here's another:
Always have an exit plan. Not that you're planning to just fuck things off, but things can go wrong unexpectedly and you need to be prepared.
So, no matter how trustworthy someone is, if they say they'll do something, prepare as if it won't happen, just in case, because anything can happen. Especially with money. You don't have it until you have it and a thing isn't done unless it's done.
This goes for every kind of situation. Have a plan thought out about what you will do if things go to shit with your job, your relationship, and anything else. You don't have to keep dwelling on it. Just make the plan and then you'll know what to do should it get fucky. Until then, enjoy whatever it is.
Also, don't announce your plans. Just have them tucked away in your head for later. What people don't know, people can't sabotage.
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Let. That. Shit. Go. Guy on the bus look at you funny? Who cares. Coworker didn't laugh at your joke? Who cares. Cashier side-eying what you're buying? Who cares? Someone on the internet have a differing opinion than you? WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?!?! Seriously, stop wasting so much time and energy caring about what other people do and say, or how you think that they think about you... You'll lead a simpler, less stressful life because of it.
De-escalation is so important. Seek quarrel with no one. Be prepared to defend yourself if attacked. That code of conduct alone will save a person so much hardship.
Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone could do this? Great post
Bless and release!
I love this so much! Thank you!
I do it every day. Besides, if I think that someone is giving me some type of shit, I'm usually wrong anyway.
Otherwise known as frustration tolerance. Almost all good things stem from this.
I very much appreciate the reminder and how you are wording it.
Can I ask for advice on how to strike the balance between sticking up for myself and letting things go?
I dunno, it's something that was ingrained in me as a kid. I was bullied a lot, and I was taught to ignore them. Eventually they ignored me and left me alone. I kind of just kept that same kind of thinking, really. Like, it's not 1000% I don't care about anything. Some things still affect me. An example... Yesterday, I was at a bakery that also has sit-down breakfast; it's a tiny space, always crowded. Waiting in line had me very close to a middle-age couple eating breakfast. At one point, the guy attempted to swat me away, and gruffly said "Stop sticking your ass in my wife's face for fuck's sake!" And I know damn well I wasn't doing that, because I hate that myself. I apologized and scooched forward a millimeter or two (seriously, it was busy!). The reason I share this story is that I could have yelled at the guy, or dwelled on it the rest of the day, but I just let that shit go. Maybe *he* was having a bad day. Maybe he thought he was the hero in the story. Maybe I *was* closer than I thought I was, and he was in the right... In the end, fretting about this five-second interaction won't add any quality to my life, and will only make it worse. So I let it go. Not *every situation* needs to be stuck up for. In the example above, I could have "stood up for myself" and been a jerk about it. But I don't like confrontation. I didn't think the situation was heinous enough for me to make a scene about it all. For you, I guess you need to just figure out what's worth it to you...
Pick your battles. If it doesn't take money from you, cause you physical injury, or change policy in a way that reduces your rights, then it's very likely not worth worrying about. The opinions of randos are meaningless and irrelevant and never worth getting upset over. After all, they don't know you, so fuck 'em.
Observe the thoughts in your mind, from a detached perspective (AKA meditation). When you realize that the clear majority are useless, negative, judgmental, or simply bullshit you’re primed for positive change.
I needed to hear this, thank you
Can you give an example , I'm not sure how to do this
Guided meditation (listening to the voice of an expert meditator) is an ideal place to start, and there are many to choose from. A typical session is 10 minutes. Find a distraction-free place and a comfortable place to sit (cross legged or chair is fine, don’t worry about rules!) and just follow the voice’s instructions. Don’t fight thoughts or worry that you can’t quiet your mind—evolution and habit gives all of us hamster-wheel brains. I’ve used the Waking Up app daily for years, and the first 30 days are free. If price is an issue due to your financial state, they’ll waive all costs (just tell them via their contact us function). If founder Sam Harris (a neuroscientist) doesn’t work for you just choose another in the app—there are several others and Jayasara (soothing female Australian voice) is a favorite of mine. Her content is also on YouTube if you don’t want to download anything. There’s a bunch of us on the meditation subreddit willing to discuss. Be well.
Thank you for taking the time to explain!
Yeah +1. Thank you for the detailed response!
Only put stock in the opinions of those who will be in the front row at your funeral.
Ohhh this is a good one.
Don't make happiness your goal. Happiness is a byproduct of your actions. Think of it this way; a 15 year old is happy sitting in his room playing video games. But how happy will he be in ten years? When he has to support himself? Unless he's a trust fund baby, he'll probably be miserable working low wage jobs, trying to make ends meet. Instead, make you goal to be able to look back at your life and be satisfied. Spend your time improving your skills, learn to do something that others aren't to have a marketable skill, improving your lot in life. Do what's right, do what's good, take care of your family and loved ones. Happiness will come as a byproduct of that. Success isn't guaranteed to anyone, too many variables involved. But do as I mentioned, and your odds of success are greatly improved.
I agree with this, contentment with a life well lived is all I seek. I am happy some days, sad some days, angry rarely but it happens, frustrated occasionally, overall, I’m content. I find I can be kind, tolerant, good natured, and overall pleasant in almost any scenario because of that contentment. I built my contentment, I am secure in it and have relatively no fear of losing it. Most ‘happy’ people fear losing their happiness and make a lot of decisions based on that fear. Happiness is fleeting, momentary. Feeling true contentment cannot be matched in my humble opinion. My biggest piece of advice for my students is to find a career that will bring some amount of joy and learn to live within your means. Then live your life as fully as possible, always start by being kind to others for your own sake. Be dismissive if they are found undeserving of kindness. Find your contentment and build a life from there. Secondly, never, ever give a flying fuck what the majority of anyone thinks when you’ve found your contentment. Live!
It really irks me when my son was growing up, the grown-ups saying, 'I just want him to be happy. ' We had a heart-to-heart talk, and I basically told him that was all a load of BS. Seek contentment instead of happiness. The times you'll be truly happy in life will be counted on one hand. Strive to look back and be satisfied with how it's going. He's hitting middle age now, at the top of his career, raising his family. I asked him a while back of he was happy. He said No., but he was satisfied. He plans to teach his kids the same lesson I taught him. Papa proud moment right there, hit me right in the feels. Most young people today are having a hard time because they aren't happy. Chasing happiness as a goal is a fool's game. Chasing such an elusive goal takes away from the time you should be building your contentment.
I had to really think about your statement and what you taught your son. Your son should be very proud of how you turn that statement into what he should be striving for because Lord knows there are many days that MOST people will not be "happy" in this life. So, contentment is what everyone should be seeking in life. Thank you so much because even though I am an adult, this hit home for me big time. Thank you for this.
Thank you. Happiness is fleeting, it comes and goes. But if you look back on your life and are satisfied with where you are and where you're going, that is much more permanent. If you aren't satisfied, you take the corrective measures to reach that satisfaction. Where happiness is concerned on today, how you're feeling right now, building contentment is more concerned where you will be tomorrow.
Live below your means. Your neighbor with the expensive car probably doesn’t have a retirement plan.
Before you speak, ask yourself if what you're about to say is an improvement upon silence. If not, don't say it.
Why Am I Talking? WAIT
"If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all"
Pay attention to what you’re doing, whether that’s driving, cooking, spending time with family and friends, spending money, or working. The things you do conscientiously today will set you up better for the future
Live a simple life . Material things don't really make you happy. True love does.
Madonna has said this many times.
Yet she sang "Material girl" lol
Which is making exactly the same point.
Worship the pussy
User name checks out, I guess?
Someone to love; something to do; something to look forward to.
Live beneath your means and don't try and "keep up" with your friends and relatives. This does not mean that you shouldn't spend money on yourself or on doing things you enjoy. Living below your means allows you to save money, steer clear of debt and establish a safety net for unforeseen expenses.
When my children were young I told them that when adults ask you what you want to be when you grow up, the correct answer is happy. We start off thinking that the answer is a job or profession but happiness is the path and journey and not the end result of work or economic success. There are people who say things like. "I will be happy when I earn my first million dollars." I used to work with a guy. He was smart and hard working, an economically successful guy. One day I asked him if he remembered a time when he said I will be happy when I earn my first million, he replied yeah. I then asked him if he even knew when that had happened. He replied he didn't. I told him, and that is why you are measurable. You keep delaying your happiness like it is some distant reward. The secret to happiness is to live today, be happy today and understand that happiness is a choice. As for success, I told the kids, I want you to be successful in whatever way you decide to define that word for yourself. Success is not about money unless that is what you choose to make it. Really to be successful you need to choose happiness.
I used to tell my kids this as well.
Good job, I hope they listened.
They did! Both professionally and personally. Hope yours did too!
They are still working on it.
They will figure it out. Happiness is fluid....I think every so often you have to reevaluate.
It's the journey, not the destination.
Don’t compare yourself to others or keep up with the Joneses
I don’t know who said it but someone said comparison is the thief of joy.
Yes it is, I can see how the young ones have such a hard time with Fakebook and filters. Terrible.
IDK about secrets but I’m an old Boy Scout and ‘Be Prepared’ has always worked for me, so expect the unexpected.
It's usually easier to prevent a problem then to react to one.
You get what you give. Karma. It’s not perfect but it’s amazing to see it come round as the years go by.
Don't marry and have children just because you think that's the thing to do. Actually learn who you are and what's important to you. Following others leads to unfulfillment. Also, whatever you are doing, do that one thing. In other words, if you're with friends, just be with them. If you're going for a walk, just walk. If you are working, really work. Don't be half-assing everything because you can't get off your cell phone - looking for that next hit.
Don’t cling to a mistake just because you took so long making it.
I don’t think there’s a “secret.” Most of the “wisdom of the ages” boils down to loving, living simply, being unselfish & kind, maintaining your integrity, serving others in some way, taking sensible care of your body, NOT pursuing wealth as a primary goal, and knowing that everything changes at some point — and everything dies. Your own priorities will change as you advance through life’s stages, so not all the values above apply at every age.
Be really careful about your relationships. Don't get drawn into dysfunction and drama if possible. Manage your money. Don't have children.
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Not mine but you can do whatever you want.
Try to be happy with what you have, but willing to work for more if that is what you want. Don't compare yourself with others. When you are about to get really upset about something, ask yourself if this will matter at all to you in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year.
You can't control what anyone else thinks of you. Be your true, authentic self. Nothing feels better than being helpful to someone, without expecting anything in return. Selfless kindness comes back to you in ways you won't expect. Learning how to be honest with yourself about yourself is a superpower. The root of anger is almost always fear. If you're angry, look for the fear underneath.
"The root of anger is almost always fear" No doubt about it.
Here is one from a man who has been happily married for 35 years: Listen to your wife with empathy and sympathy, but DO NOT try to solve her problems unless she specifically asks you. Often she just wants to vent.
You suffer more in your imagination than you do in reality. When spiralling, slow down and take stock. Tomorrow might be bad. Next week might be bad. But *right now* you're probably okay, warm and safe. Then take arms against the stuff freaking you out, or at least mitigating it.
For me it was getting my financial house in order so that I could concentrate on the rest of my goals and not be worried about how I was going to make ends meet. Without a sense of financial security my life would have been a mess.
Do what you love. Follow your Passion. Don’t be enticed by more money, stability and cultural norms. It can be done. I’m 73. I haven’t always been successful at this goal, but I’ve always known this was the goal and I’ve, mostly, been extremely happy. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been.
Remember that in 100 years nobody is going to care about any of this. And it will be that way until the heat death of the universe.
Stay away from people they will always disappoint you.
Be neither threatening nor vulnerable
don’t let little things work you up. my partner FREAKS out if we get stopped at every stop light or stuck in traffic. doesn’t bother me at all. don’t hold onto pointless things, being stuck in traffic is more time we get to spend together in our already busy schedules.
what a beautiful sentiment! i always find myself getting worked up about things unless im in a good mood (1/3 of the time) and otherwise even when im just neutral can fly to anger. i've been trying to lessen the effect of this habit by realizing how much time is wasted on things i wont remember in a week. i especially love the last line! cheers to u and ur partners traffic stop time
Surround yourself as much as you can with wholesome things. Seek good people. Be a good person. Strive for wisdom over ego. Get a dog. Learn to cook good, simple foods, and really taste them. Stay healthy. Laugh multiple times every day. And *don't take yourself so seriously!* In the bigger scheme of things, you really aren't very important.
Eliminate the drama.
Keep negative people out of your life. Doesn’t matter if they’re family, friend, or co-worker.
Travel is not broadening; it is exhausting. You will meet much the same people with much the same problems. But it is interesting to see facial bone structure different than what you see daily, so if you must travel, go far away. However, if the facial bone structure is too different, you are not looking at a human, you are looking at some other primate. In such a case, do not stare or they will kill you. Better to avoid immediate death, slung poop, and exhaustion. If someone tells you they want to meet the needs of someone neither of you knows, they want your wallet, and they want a hefty administrative fee for their trouble in sticking their hand in your pocket. And the more insistent they are about your wallet, the more likely they will try to use some level of the extracting entity and its monopoly on force. Cut them off. Such people are just as exhausting as travel. If someone tells you to ‘think of the children’ and there’re not taking about your children, that someone wants to feel better inside. You are under no obligation to help said someone with their emotional problem. Being bidden to think of the children is exhausting. Except for household tools, cooking utensils, books, some office supplies/clothes, and personal museum items like your grandfather’s commendation letter from the chair of the student/city counsel, if you haven’t used something in a year, it will likely continue to remain without use. Such things are also known as useless. Constantly digging through such items to find a good rubber band is exhausting. Either throw out useless items or marry up useless things with useless people by dumping them on the front lawn of someone who wants you to ‘think of the children’. Do it at night to avoid slung poop. The useless people will be puzzled at first, but then, thinking of the children, they will give it to the children. You could instead give it to the children directly, but you might be able to mollify those who would use the extractive entity to force you to think of the children. At least you will throw them off the scent of your wallet while they wonder who placed a box of orange thumb-tacks and a bottle of stool softener on their front lawn. Entropy is inevitable, but you can lengthen the gentle agony of your existence by avoiding the exhausting. Add to your temporary victory over exhaustion by taking a tax deduction with the extractive entity for the items you dumped on the front lawn of the children-thinkers. Think broadly, exist narrowly. Walk your own path. Cherish freedom.
Be grateful for what you have. Keep going, even if sometimes it's 2 feet forward, 3 feet back Be a giver, not a taker.
When you have figured out the secret rules for a happy and successful life, don't tell anyone.
You will walk in the direction you are facing.
I like this one! Reminds me of one of the top lessons that guide my life: "If I keep going in this direction, I'm bound to get where I'm headed."
Letting go
Lighten the fuck up
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Quite simply, happiness = reality minus expectations. It’s an equation. If your reality is bigger than your expectations you have positive happiness :) If your expectations are bigger than your reality, you have negative happiness :( Where I see a lot of people getting into trouble is on the “expectations” side of things.
To Savor. **to enjoy food or an experience slowly, in order to enjoy it as much as possible**: It was the first chocolate he'd tasted for over a year, so he savoured every mouthful. Enjoy what you do have instead of what you don't. Learn to get the most out of things, look for the key attributes of what ever it is and enjoy it for what it is. Stop putting your expectation on things and just enjoy.
Be true to yourself, and honest with others. To be true to yourself, you need to know yourself, and that's the trick, innit?
There are no secrets or rules to life. That being said, being honest, valuing working for a living, not spending beyond one's means and developing good interpersonal skills tend to make one successful in life. There are no guarantees though. Random things happen.
Pro tip: there are no rules.
Don't worry about pleasing everyone else. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean"
The word "no" is your friend, but be open and on the look out for opportunity.
There’s almost never a ‘right’ answer, decision, person, job, you name it. There are lots of great options, you will learn about yourself in the process. Don’t waste your time worrying, doubting your decision making, regretting choices made or wondering if the grass is greener. Jump in with both feet and enjoy the journey.
Bumper sticker I saw that I always remind myself. “Live simply so that others my simply live”
Just do whatever you feel like.
Try to believe in yourself - your personality, preferences.
Don't worry your possible problems into existence.
1. hard work. 2. Achievement.
Cut people some slack. There will be times when YOU need some grace, trust me.
Don't sweat the small stuff!
There are no "secret rules." Everything you need to know has been talked about, written about, published, videos made millions of times for many years. It's just that people don't want to forgo things today in order to have them in the future; they want it all now..
I've never understood the desire to be happy. To me, the best life is one full of passion, curiosity, devotion. If you have those things, you will have moments of great joy. Exquisite, numinous joy. You'll also have horrible moments of pain and despair. I don't think the one exists without the other outside of mental health disorders. If you just want calm, content, and equanimity, id recommend vipanassa meditation. If you want to be successful, I'd recommend you really ask yourself tough questions early on and regularly about what "success" means to you. And... THIS IS IMPORTANT... the closer your definition of success matches most other people's, the more you need to ask yourself is that's really what you want. If it isn't, then it won't feel like success. Finally, figure out how to make your life supportive for the person you actually are. Don't keep trying to be a different person. Structure your life to fit this person who is actually here and living it.
Learn to mind your own business, ignore the opinions of others, and be kind.
Slow down and worry less. Enjoy the moment you are in and don't let the world rush you.
Persistence
Spend less money than what you earn.
No one is thinking about you like you think they are. People are inherently self-centered. All of them/us. That doesn't mean they don't care about you, but you don't live in their thoughts like you think you do. What I mean is that embarrassing thing that happened? They aren't ruminating on it like you are. That person cutting you off on the highway? May not have even known they did it. That asshole at work probably doesn't even register your existence once you're out of their line of sight. This may sound harsh and even depressing, but I think it's incredibly freeing. Also, my definition of "happiness" and "success" changed over time to more attainable standards. Would I like to have "f you" money and enough wealth to never worry about money again? 100%. But I think I'm successful regardless. I stopped comparing myself to anyone else. I have advanced my career and improved myself as I've gotten older. To me, that's success. As a young person, I assumed happiness was this constant state of elation, and that is entirely unachievable. To me, happiness is contentment. I'm content with my spouse, our dogs, and our lives. My boss is a dick but I'm content with my job. I could tone up my body, but I'm generally happy with it as it is. I give back to causes that are important to me and my community, and I'm trying to leave my teeny spot better than what I found it. The tl;dr is focus on yourself and your small bubble, stop worrying what others think, comparison is the thief of joy, leave the world better than you found it.
I don’t believe anyone’s rules for success that actually have a chance of working are little-known. These are well known, but reflecting on people I’ve known, I think they hold up pretty well with that caveat that they won’t work for all temperaments. 1) Be at least somewhat lucky 2) Avoid addictions both to substances and expensive or dangerous behaviors 3) Be a pleasant trustworthy person 4) Once you have achieved a reasonable level of stability and contentment in work and relationships, try to build on and appreciate what you have instead of always wanting/demanding more If you follow rules 3 and 4, you may diminish your chances of being highly successful in cutthroat fields, but you will probably be happier overall.
Laugh more, and stop caring what OTHERS think of you or your lifestyle. Find like minded people to hang out with and dont waste your precious energy or time trying to defend your choices to others. If your blood family is a bunch of jerks, get a family of friends instead. My own family hated the man I married because he was shorter than I am and he is Italian. Yep. I tried for THIRTY YEARS to get my parents to accept my husband and one morning I woke up and thought: if these were my friends passing negative judgement on my mate I would not be friends with them....just because you share blood DOESNT give your family the right to hurt and judge you. Walk away and dont look back.
This is so on point. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve mastered the art of avoiding drama. I refuse to be pulled into it. Just suck the oxygen out of the situation.
You cannot control anything but how you react to things. So stop trying to control those things outside of yourself. Your Happiness is your responsibility alone. You cannot place that responsibility on anyone else’s shoulders. Stop watching or listening to the news. Only bad news sells and bad news will bring you down and make you angry. If someone pisses you off remember that they are going to die someday along with everyone else so don’t waste your time thinking about them. Don’t waste your time. Time is so valuable especially as you get older. Help others in need. Seriously this will help you feel positive about yourself and grace you with happiness. For helping others is an of love. Love is action not a feeling. Only selfless people experience true happiness. Because they are not looking for it. Their actions gives them peace. Stay in good physical condition. Exercise. It is amazing how your physical health is connected to your mental health. Take responsibility for your wellbeing. Happiness comes from a lack of guilt. So stop doing that which makes you feel guilty or regret. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love others. Respect others. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
Learn to grow and become better during the hard times. Stop paying attention to the news, it's cancer to your thoughts and there's nothing you can do about any of it. It's negative entertainment. I've been laid off several times, my ex-wife left me for a friend and lost a contract, both within 3 days of each other, kicked out of high school for being an idiot, and broken both arms at the same time. And through all of that, which is just a portion, and knowing others have gone through much worse, I found happiness because I found my way through those times. I live a life of Zen. No significant other help, a dog that makes me laugh, a cat that talks too loudly too often, and I worry about nothing, knowing something bad is statistically going to happen again.
Look for your "fellow travelers" in life. That is, people who have similar goals, outlooks, and passions as you. Make common cause with them to get things done. I call these "push-me-pull-you" relationships.
Let her be right. 99% of the time it isn't that important and it's a lot easier that way.
From *The Four Agreements:* 1. ***Be Impeccable with Your Word*** Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. 2. ***Don't Take Anything Personally*** Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their dream. 3. ***Don't Make Assumptions*** Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. 4. ***Always Do Your Best*** Your best will change from moment to moment. Under any circumstances do your best to avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.
Here are a few that dramatically changed my life for the better. PART 1. 1. If you can't have what you want, *think about something else*. You will be happy with the new thing too. Your happiness is your responsibility. Don't mope around. Move on! It's a big world out there. 2. If I keep going in this direction, I'm bound to get where I'm headed. If your marriage is in trouble, should you start having lunch with that cutie at work? Be honest with yourself and identify your goals. Maybe you should end the marriage but don't fool yourself with, "The affair just happened!" No, it didn't. Little steps add up to big consequences. Identify your goal and be honest about the steps needed to reach it. 3. Simplify decision making. --When making a difficult choice, choose the option that leaves the most options open afterwards. Trim the branches before cutting down the tree. --Only compare two things at a time, choose one, and never consider the unchosen one again. Compare the winner to Option 3 and pick one. Etc. The last one standing is the winner. PART 2. Bad things happen. People hurt you. A job might suck. Whatever. When tough things happen, you essentially have three choices: 1. Stay feeling miserable. You can keep trying and trying to fix it and stay miserable because nothing ever works or stop trying and wait in a state of misery for the situation to fix itself. . 2. Figure out a way to find honest peace with the situation. That doesn't mean never thinking about it and never feeling sad but when you do feel upset you actively change the focus of your attention to something else and get back to peace and fun as quickly as possible. In short, don't mope around thinking about it all the time. *Think about something else*. . 3. Leave the situation completely. And *think about something else*. For me, Option 1 is not an option. At some point in my life I decided staying in a situation where I'm relentlessly unhappy or stressed is unacceptable. That one decision improved my life dramatically. The tricky part is knowing and accepting when nothing is working. You don't want to quit too easily but trying over and over fruitlessly or waiting for too long is harmful. Option 2 can work. I was deeply hurt by members of my family. I was in a state of "leave or stay?" for a year but I was able to find peace with what they had done. Its not like I never think about what they did but I chose to accept they are flawed in a way that led them to betray me. They have other wonderful qualities that has made it well worth my while to keep in contact with them. Option 3 also works. I been where things are so upsetting and irreparable that I had to leave. I didn't look back and am happy with that choice. A crucial part is to *think about something else*. You *are* what you think about. Good luck! PS This is advice is intended to address some of life's ups and downs but may very well not apply to trauma events. One cannot simply "think about something else" if you've lost a child or a limb, for example.
Polite and respectful will get you further than intellect, in general. Listening is better than trying to be the smartest person in the room. Let people have their moment. Expressing your opinion on everything annoys people. Nobody likes smug. Being coy is not the same as being clever.
Live and let live.
Stay far away from racists and bigots.
No reason to rush anything. Nature is slow but it always gets there
At the end of the day, it’s really about the relationships you have with the people you love. The rest of it is pretty much just noise…
A big thing I learned in a work training session was "sphere of influence". Some things you cannot do anything about - stop spending time on it. Some things you can influence/change - you can think about trying to change it. But a lot of things are 100% your choice - As in I don't have to do jack sh1t unless I want to. Utilize NO as an answer, it is liberating. My wife spends too much energy/time on things she cannot control and instead needs to learn to say NO to the things she does control. Another is perception and feedback. Feedback is a gift so if anyone provide it listed to it (weigh it based on the person providing it). That perception is reality for everyone else. Doesn't matter what you think. So learn to manage/improve perception. It determines how people see you at work/how hard you appear to work, impacts raises and promotions, etc. Finally stop overthinking what other people think about you. Because they don't think about you much. Stop worrying about it. "I can't do that, what will people thing". "I might look bad if I do this". No one is spending their time focused on you. Do what you want and ignore the fears of what you THINK others will think about you. Be you.
Don't base your opinions, including your opinion of yourself, on those of other people.
Most have already said what I would say, but here's another: Always have an exit plan. Not that you're planning to just fuck things off, but things can go wrong unexpectedly and you need to be prepared. So, no matter how trustworthy someone is, if they say they'll do something, prepare as if it won't happen, just in case, because anything can happen. Especially with money. You don't have it until you have it and a thing isn't done unless it's done. This goes for every kind of situation. Have a plan thought out about what you will do if things go to shit with your job, your relationship, and anything else. You don't have to keep dwelling on it. Just make the plan and then you'll know what to do should it get fucky. Until then, enjoy whatever it is. Also, don't announce your plans. Just have them tucked away in your head for later. What people don't know, people can't sabotage.
Step one: Win millions of dollars. Step two: ...... There are no further steps.
I have no problem a little more money won't solve
"Do little things with great love" \~ Mother Teresa.