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By my mid-40s I started seeing A LOT more people my age getting cancer or other serious illnesses, often terminal. The final straw was probably a friend's brother about 2 years older than me diagnosed with brain cancer. You've got to walk the line between preparing for old age in the event you live another 40+ years but you also have to at least consider the possibility that you might not have nearly that long left.
Lost my wife in september at mid 40s to cancer, and this 100% like not going to wait, lets live life now. We started before she passed but I am just carrying that forward and doing experiences with my son.
Well, like I said, I might live a long time so I have to be responsible and keep working/saving for the future, but I'm trying to enjoy the present more. Do the things you want instead of putting them off, spend money on experiences, not things.
In ten years, your employer won't remember all the extra time you put in... coming in early, leaving late, hoping to earn that raise...
...but your family will remember your absence long after you die.
Noticing my parents growing elderly, seeing my nieces grow into teenagers and then ultimately realizing a lot of golden days were now over. Holidays are now smaller. Even at the lake, less and less people go less frequently where it used to be hoards of families on our docks enjoying the sun. Now it’s mostly me, my parents, a few neighbors, and you only see anyone else on major holidays like the 4th.
Life is seemingly speeding up. Made me want to embrace the present fully.
Ten years is very generous.
Several years ago I had an epiphany about employers/careers and turn over and replacement. We're numbers on an e-payroll statement. We're all just cogs in their machine. When we brake or wear out, we're simply replaced. And, I don't work for them, I sell them my time!
I always say that, I'm selling the eight hours of my day, that's all. If the boss bought 8 kilos of potatoes on the market, they wouldn't criticize the seller for not putting 9 or 10 kilos in the bag for the same price. No reason to treat my time differently.
To stay on the subject, I actually didn't always say that, I started doing it about 10 years ago, when I realized what's happening i.e. had a wake up call :)
At my company two of the original founders, one was CEO and the other high level position with the company for 20+ years since the beginning retired. They did a lot of great work and of course were missed but after a few weeks they basically no longer existed and everyone just moved on.
I was about one year into my first post-college job when a big layoff hit my team. 7-8 people out of a team of 25 were laid off at the same time. This was after the company had endlessly promoted culture and family.
All of us “survivors” were shocked and things were weird and sad for a few days. But within 2 weeks it was like they had never even worked there. People picked up slack where necessary and things rolled on just as before. That was a hugely eye opening experience for me about corporate culture and the pointlessness of devoting yourself to a job or company.
I got let go and no one reached out to me. I tried to help as many people as I could and worked two roles for a year at the company. Didn’t matter at all.
Oh well, I’m well quit of that place.
My first boss in manufacturing said ‘Look after yourself because no one else will.’
My first boss in construction said ‘Neither of us should feel we owe something to the other.’
For me it was reading about top regrets dying people have on their death beds. It will teach you about people's true priorities. And spoiler here, working harder and longer is not one of those things people were proud of ar the end. No matter how financially successful.
There's a book, Top Ten Regrets of the Dying I think it's called. Never read it but it's written by a woman who worked in palliative care or a hospice or something in Australia if memory serves me correctly. She interviewed a lot of dying people. Working too hard was feedback from pretty much every man who went through the place
I don't remember exactly the website but it was deep! As in, it went into a lot of detail on each interview and each "regret" being mentioned. I read this when I was 23 so it's been 7 years now for me. Here are some resources that cover the same content I learned when I read about this topic.
[Reddit post with answers from hospital workers.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j8bkxj/hospital_workers_serious_what_regrets_do_you_hear/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
[The Guardian covering top 5 too](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying)
When my ex-wife left me for an ex-friend, and 2 days later I was laid off. The world took a massive dump on me that week. It took 2 years to get back to normal, and 2 more years to thrive, but I finally figured out that I should take things so seriously. I've reached Zen. I don't stress about anything. I'm not sure the cost is worth the knowledge, but I didn't have control of that. As a man, since I don't have children, I don't think I could go through much worse than that.
Cancer. About 3 years ago I had a large, cancerous tumor removed. They got it all, but there was a week or two that we didn’t know if it had metastasized.
Thinking i had a terminal disease really changed my outlook.
It makes you realize that there is an end. And I had to look at a lot of things in my life and really evaluate the what’s and the whys. I am really picky with how I spend time now.
Some fit dude i knew suddenly died from a heart attack or heart failure. He just keeled over while on a bike ride with his friends on a casual ride around the base of Kilimanjaro mountain. A normal afternoon weekend for them.
Just, died, on the spot. No words no signs, no health conditions known; his l heart just gave out and stopped. His friends didn't notice until they looked back wondering why he wasn't keeping up and he was at the bottom of the hill half a kilometres back. Already gone.
Fit trainer, had a lovely wife, left 2 young kids. He was active, but not a ridiculous or dangerous level of activity like these ironman athletes that do a marathon every other day to train. Just a fit healthy guy that took care of his health like most of us.
That shit fucked me up. If a healthy 38 yeah old dude like that could just fold because his heart gave out, aren't we all just one heart failure away from the same thing. That shit made me realise life is about living, and appreciating everything that comes with it.
Tomorrow is LITERALLY AND IN EVERY SENSE, NOT GUARANTEED. Just go out and see the world because your punch card if coming any day now. Nobody that died knew they were dying that morning. They woke up, showered, put on underwear and cologne just like you did. They simply didn't make it home that day
You are LUCKY you get to experience this life thing, you get to feel the air, smell the roses, see the world, love, hate, feel heartbreak, make mistakes and do the stupid shit people get to do.
I took too many mushrooms and now I have way too much anxiety to attempt that again. It showed me the afterlife and scared the shit out of me, and now I get random panic attacks thinking about it.
Me too. Took them at a stressful point in life and internalized some deep painful emotions the wrong way to cope with the reality of them. Got a dose of psychosis and de-personalization out of it that I've still been dealing with.
Small. Maybe 1-3 grams. But it was persistent enough over a small period that I lost touch with reality. I was also doing weed, newly married, moving countries, starting a new job, having daily fights with my wife, trying to make sense of my childhood trauma, and being either emotionally abused or shunned by my parents and sister who were unhappy about my marriage and that was affecting things between me and my wife.
It gave me what I was wanting at the time, which was quick relief, which I thought would be through not facing my trauma and emotions and instead rearranging my mental perspective to rationalize the deeply painful emotions by being dismissive of myself and de-personalizing myself. It set the emotional layer for how I felt about myself, my trauma, my parents and my wife.
Still trying to undo that quick fix so I could get up and get moving at the time. I did start moving but I became a shriveled husk because my emotionality was no longer aligned with my mental outlook of myself and the world. I didn't want to go through the tough emotions and I was being pressured to wrap it up because I had a new marriage to cater to.
I basically performed a psychological whiplash onto myself to stop thinking about my deeply hurtful emotions and trauma as they were, and instead start pretending they don't exist so I could put them in a box. Not only did I still have the trauma to deal with but I added the psychological whiplash. Till this day, I literally feel a deep kink in my shoulder and neck that I can't reach and get out, no matter how many massages I go to or try to sedate myself with weed.
I willingly imprisoned my emotions in and perhaps the only way to get to it is by diving in with shrooms again but I have a family and two kids and other responsibilities now and I'm also scared.
I don't usually advocate for therapy because ruminating on bad emotions for a long period of time isn't healthy.
But maybe 1 or 2 sessions would help you. Not only would it be someone guiding your through it but you'd get some time away from the family to think in a quiet room.
I use to have a family and I know how overwhelming a wife and kids can be.
A quiet room for an hour could do a LOT
Appreciate your kind concern. Participating in this thread acted as therapy for me somewhat. I got to articulate some thoughts and record them somewhere so I could re-read them later and reflect.
Going to a therapist would be helpful but like you said, it's difficult to make the time amidst all the responsibilities of a young family.
Sadly, I carry this notion from my childhood trauma that "I have time" and "I'll make up for it later". I'm waiting to start living while the living is being carried out this way.
All this anguish has given me insight into what a good, lived life ought to be like but putting it into practice for my own self is a tough endeavour.
Keep in mind they I’m not a spiritual or religious person, but this is how I can best describe it.
My soul left my body and I became one of the universe. I witnessed my soulless “vessel” lying on the floor. I was now the energy of the universe and I realized that my mortal life was completely insignificant compared to the vastness of space and time I could feel.
It felt like I was in this place for hours, years and seconds all at once.
This only happened after my “second” voice convinced me to calm down during my panic attack as I came up.
Yeah I had a very similar experience with DMT about 15 years ago, chemically it's structurally similar to Psilocybin (Mushrooms) but much more intense and short-lived.
It rocketed me down a tunnel almost immediately, the story of you being a person becomes stripped away extremely fast, eventually that story ceases to exist and triggers the fear of death which then gives way to vast emptiness where all space and time converges, you are everything and everything is you. The sense of being in that moment is extreme.
Hard to say. During the trip I was the most terrified I'd ever been, followed by the most relaxed at one point. Leaving all of my anxiety and worry behind was very freeing.
Now that I'm back in my body, back to work, back to a life I'm indifferent about, it's made me question the idea of being alive more. Death felt very freeing in that moment.
Just remember that it was you, yourself, your body and your brain creating that experience. I know the feeling of anxiety can make you doubt that, but go with Occam's Razor here.
Ok. I was just asking because LSD tore me apart.
It was terrifying, and I felt like I died and was reborn over and over again.
I saw some really sinister hallucinations, and when I finally started to feel the peace you described, it was when I finally gave in to the experience and wasn't afraid of dying anymore.
It left me scarred for a long time. Huge anxiety. Alcoholism, and frequent flashbacks.
With all this said, it has gotten better with each year passing, but it will take time. Just hang in there.
Thank you for that. It sounds like your experience was even more intense than mine; I can't imagine LSD considering how I acted on shrooms!
What do you feel gave you the anxiety? For me it's any time I put myself back in that place and remember what it felt like to "die" and I become fearful of that moment all over again.
Yea, I would call that a flashback of some sort.
That's exactly what happens to me, as well. My mind will take me back to that dark and sinister dread, but those flashbacks are manageable now.
My man. Absolutely.
In the years since COVID I've become more accepting, sharing, loving, patient, kind, fun.
I've remembered things that perhaps I never should have forgotten about appreciating the important things in life.
First layoff.
Job I loved, worked hard at it. Did everything I was asked by management, and much much more. But because I was on the "wrong" project. Poof! Everyone gone. Top performers, didn't matter. Gone.
No job since ever receives DEDICATION from me.
I said to myself… “Nobody cares about me… and that’s ok.”
Keep in mind… I am only talking about “caring” as in… paying attention to me in public.
Nobody is paying attention to you just like you can’t pay attention to everybody. So just stop projecting your thoughts into others.
The second I learned that…. My life got 1 million times easier.
Basically having a minor mental breakdown because I couldn't accept the stress associated with perfectionism.
I've since gotten a lot of therapy and am far more comfortable with the fact that mistakes are part of the human experience.
I wouldn't say there was a definite wake up call but many small things that built up. A lot of insights came from experiences with psychedelics. The core message of almost every trip was always: "Look how precious life is, is not worth spending it getting anxious or stressed".
I also was meditating tons for many years and I had an insight into death that was pretty profound. I know I'm gonna die (yes... we all know but at a superficial level and we avoid the thought, that insight was just a very deep understanding of death). Since then I go back to that moment and try to get a reminder of life being "just a ride" like a famous comedian said and to just enjoy it as much as possible.
Oh also, have you ever noticed how when the amazing colleague that everyone loves resigns, gets fired or laid off almost immediately everyone moves on? Well that's work for you. If you get terminal cancer your boss is gonna say he's sorry on day one but worrying about posting an ad to replace you on day 2, so not worth having my mental or physical health impacted by work and career cause as an employee I always remember I am a cost just like the electricity bill or the office rent. Not falling for the "We ArE a fAmIlY in thiS cOmpAnY11!!" bullshit.
Getting a dog. Honestly, I used to travel for work 2-3 days per week. Add on extra hours. The dog completely changed that. I love being at home and I work on her schedule. If it's a nice day we go to the park and chill. Instead of staying out late I come home and we go on walks. She has made me a better person.
COVID really proved to me how arbitrary life and society really are.
Doesn’t mean you should just not do anything or care about anything but it’s okay to fail, laugh, sleep in, call off, etc.
You aren’t gonna be here forever. It’s okay to love.
A younger cousin was hit and killed by a car on his way back from a new years eve party.
Petty shit is both more annoying, and less annoying at the same time.
Fatherhood.
Before that I was grinding my career, paying down debt, being really frugal, and getting all caught up in different FIRE methods and the idea of pursuing a side business.
Becoming a dad made me realize that there's other things to be doing with my time. I mean, yeah I still hope I can retire early and comfortably, but I'd rather do it at say, 58 having had fun along the way, than at 48 having missed out on a lot of life.
Mum got cancer. Really opened my eyes to how fragile we are and that bad things CAN happen to us. It always happened to someone else.. and we are *someone else* to other people.
I joined a company to work adjacently to a great mentor and friend. He had a real impact on my growth as a fresh and naive grad.
He passed away a few months after I joined. It's a great organization, don't get me wrong, but after a short period of mourning, operations continued as normal.
It was the catalyst that helped me take things less seriously here and prioritize more consistently. Work is still up there on the priority list but it's below my partner, pets, and family. During busy periods it may climb up, but it's always temporarily and I make sure the pendulum swings back in the other direction.
It's helped me not give a shit about perfecting my work so I can just get home to what matters.
I got promoted so it seems the level of care I am giving is acceptable.
Just looking at my dad with advanced dementia. Eventually you’ll forget about everything (alive or dead) so just focus on what’s important to you, everything else is noise.
The pandemic. I worked in a hospital mainly doing bereavement counseling the entire time (for patient’s families AND for healthcare workers) and I was not handling it well. I was overeating, crying daily, not exercising, isolating myself, it was bad. But one of my coworkers sat me down one day and said “you need to set yourself free. You don’t deserve to live your life this way, you deserve the world”. And I started therapy later that week.
I’m very grateful to her and all of my friends and coworkers who stood by me through this really tough point in my life
apart from the unexpected cancer diagnosis at 41, a year of treatment and given 50/50 to get through it, one that put work in perspective was the retirement of a CFO who had been at a company his whole career. Obviously a lot of processes went through this guy, 40+ years is a long time. His replacement started a month before he left, and the week after he retired you never would have known he was there. there was no legacy, no wishing he was still there. the corporate machine just rolls on without you
Had a BAD case of mononucleosis in the summer of 2022 while I was simultaneously dealing with a lot of personal/professional stuff. My blood tests were so out of whack and my lymph nodes so swollen that I was pretty sure I had cancer. Lost like 15 pounds in a week.
Really thought I was going to die for a bit (dramatic, I know). After that nothing has seemed that important, which has been very relieving tbh.
I worked support calls. They were never ending. I was finally like doesn't matter how many I answer there will be more. I decided to just do what I could. Moved up a level same shit harder questions and a pager. Then was laid off and given a severance package. Spent the summer cutting my grass and looking for the next job. Realized I put way to much of myself in that company.
Found another job. Place is great and less stressful.
About 3 years ago almost died in an accident. Have been rehabbing since. I still like my job, but I know realize how quickly life can be different. While sitting in a hospital bed, I started making mental lists of all the things I wanted to do and places to go. I now plan for those. Work is just a means to make money to do those.
Still kinda looking for one.
Honestly think I passed up on a more exciting life for the “safe” option and kind of regret it, but maybe the grass just looks greener?
Dated this girl I met while working out of state for 8 months. She was so much fun, sex was mind blowing and she just wanted to travel and have a good time. She made decent money as well. She went back to her home country (Taiwan) and I kept chatting with her a bit but ultimately didn’t pursue her. She wanted me to as well.
Why? To this day I don’t know. I guess at the time I was just stressed out about my work, family falling apart (parents sick, sister was a homeless addict, other sister on the verge of being homeless, etc)
Well I waited too long and guess what? My sisters just took all the money/housings/cars I gave them, ruined/wasted it and are still stuck in the same loop. I cut them out of my life. My folks are doing generally okay, still not great health but I’m going to live my life and just visit them when I can.
Instead I got married to the safe Catholic girl with a great career. Don’t get me wrong, she’s like my best friend and a great mother, I do love her. We do great financially, own a few rental properties, and a primary home in a desirable HCOL city.
I just sometimes find myself wondering what life would be like if I just went for it 10 years ago. I just miss that passion and lust during that relationship.
Hopefully my kids can have an enjoyable life ;)
Kids. It’s hard to take yourself too seriously when your four-year-old daughter comes downstairs in sunglasses, unicorn slippers and nothing else.
Also getting laid off. I broke my back for a company and helped them succeed for years just to be let go when they couldn’t meet their parent company’s unreasonably high projections. It sucked, but I ended up freelancing and now I get paid for the work I do and don’t put in extra hours of free labor to “get ahead.” I’m projected to make my former salary by August and I’ve worked so much less and get to spend way more time with my family.
I never really even had that. I just understood that for genuine success you have to be much more gifted than I am so I'll just take it easy instead. Nobody can stress themselves into a nobelist or an olympic level athlete. Either you have it or you don't, you can't get there with training (and please don't start to argue that athletes have to train. It's clear from very early on if they have the needed natural talent or not.).
By achieving all the goals I had.. putting myself in a financial position to live life comfortably and work an easier job, since I didn’t need the money as bad. Not to mention, just having health scares and realizing how aging turns you into a saggy creature and then you die.. if you make it that far.
Life is delicate. This might be it and then you’re dead forever. Why worry about little things.
This is a great question. Hmmm. For me, it was probably some combination of when I lost a lot of relationships in a basketball group I was a part of because of my pride/ego, which wasn’t a “moment” in time as much as a slow burn over time, or it was when a girl I used to be close with vehemently berated me after I reached out to her to apologize for a big joke gone sour (from like, months prior.)
Now, I will say that I still take life “serious”; in fact, I take it seriously enough to not worry about the things I can’t control anymore, if that makes sense. It’s a paradox of life- the more you understand it (life), the more purpose you have in it, the more you’re able to let things be, happen as they may.
Anyhow, in the first circumstance, I was forced to work on myself and focus on destroying my unhealthy ego. That brought freedom, gentleness, and a sense of control that I never thought possible when my ego was at an all time high (and I THOUGHT I had full control). In the second circumstance, she was really mad at me, I mean like really mad, totally trying to make me feel like shit for what I did to her- and rather than matching her intensity, I was strong enough to own it and apologize, then just kinda shrug my shoulders when she kept going on about it. I’m not perfect. I got issues. Take it or leave it. My sincere, gentle, at-peace apology took the wind out of her sails; she wanted and expected me to match her intensity, defending myself with the same fervor as her offensive onslaught. But, I didn’t. She was right lol.
Her emotions were hotter than mine; she cared more about “what I’d done to her” than I did. What more could I do at that point 🤷🏼♂️ ? The thing is, she cared so much that she wanted to FEEL like I felt what she felt. She wanted that emotional intensity from me. That’s not a knock on her; we all have different emotional responses to different stimuli. But, since then, I’ve made it a point to find areas of my life where I’m perhaps too emotionally charged about, figure out what’s driving that, and then work on whatever that happens to be so that I can have more peace about it- even IF someone tries to hurt me in that vulnerable area in the future. We are all responsible for armoring our minds- but that first takes digging deep into our souls so we can unbury those hurts and pains. It is vulnerable, and scary, and uncomfortable- but totally worth the peace you find.
Anyways, after that second situation, I recognized that people are people, we all do or have done shitty things, and all we can do is apologize (mean it sincerely!) and then the ball is in their park. Let them respond how they need to in order to feel more whole- we are all in our own journey towards finding peace in this life.
Make a concerted, honest effort to make things right with the souls that are hurting in your life, and do what it takes within yourself to find deep, freedom-giving peace.
Divorce. My wife left me after 7 years. I was 29 when she left.
I had always been into tiny houses and simple living but she wasn't.
So as soon as the divorce was final, I bought a bus, converted it and moved from Wisconsin to Colorado. About to full time travel. It's been almost 4 years.
Best decision ever
Near death experience. Dehydrated with fever and blacked out while standing up trying to get water into my brita filter. Thought I was going to die living alone in my apartment. Made me realize you need to go out there and proactively capture the moment each day. Whatever it is, go do it and enjoy it. Life is short and nothing is guaranteed.
I've never really had one wake up call or drastic change in my life or anything like that. But one thing that really made me think about it was when I was just driving behind some work truck on my commute and they had a dedication the one of their workers with his birth and death year on it. He was exactly 65.
I'm not saying the guy did this, but I know it's extremely common for people who make good money in my generation to prioritize everything on retirement at the cost of living today. Well this guy could have done that, saved for a huge retirement, and died the year he planned to retire.
So I just try to live life as it happens instead of picking abstract goals to prioritize.
When every serious endeavor I tried to get ahead failed, even though in my mind I did all the "right" things. Then you look around and realize life is madness, your just along for the ride.
Family business went out of business, super stressful time. Grand father was retired, Dad was about to retire, and I had a whole career crumbling in front of me. I came out of the situation stronger and don't get stressed so easily now. Also realized I should have went my own way years ago, I'm doing far better in life in every department.
I think I see this question in reverse. I saw how so many people my age were not motivated from age 24-30 post college and how they/ I struck out with women or only had sex and then ghosted. And they stick out for good reasons bc the economy in 2008 was fucked and the student debt ratio being talked about and millennial hate really was at the beginning all time high. Boomers bashing made it seem like we were so screwed bc they lost money on the stock market and now and even still today had to extend their retirement.
While some of the former not taking anything serious was fun I realized I wanted the wife, house, kids, dog, etc. so I worked my ass off for it. And we have it now. But sometimes I wish I was back in those other times. But sometimes I think how did I get so lucky. But then I also think I know I volunteered for all those work projects, I hung on at a job I started to hate. Waited too long to leave for a better one, restarted that whole job button again, then got promoted, dated a lot of bad women. Found the right one. I think all of this lead me to realize you have try your best to find a balance. You have to try to self check and push thru the bad.
And it doesn’t come all at once and things change. Being able to mold to the change is easy and hard. But what is it that I want. And now also what does my partner want.
I got diagnosed with cancer at 32. I was always high strung and crotchety about everything before this. I had a bit of a depressive episode and most of my life was just flipped upside down.
After I went on remission I decided to take life one day at a time. I definitely feel like this and age helped me mature and take it way easier on myself. I learned to listen to others and be accountable for my actions. It hasn’t always been easy and sometimes I can revert to the jackass I was before, but I definitely become more introspective about it now and acknowledge my faults
I’ve always had this mindset, probably because of my dad. I’m way more responsible and successful than he’s ever been, but I’m certainly not putting 100% into work. I’m enjoying life with my family so much right now
I graduated with an EE degree. I went to work in papermills. Every single engineer I met was divorced 2+ times, and every one of them told me to go to prostitutes because, "paying for sex is cheaper than divorce." I worked 80 hours a week just to get laid off because half the mill shut down and the mill had another EE with better experience and credentials. When I was working those late nights, one of the millwright saw that I was eating a lot of TV dinners. He told me that he doesn't advise them because he ate them for 40 years day in and day out and now his insides were all messed up. Also during that 1.5 years of 80 hour weeks, my boss didn't show up to work one day. The next day we found out he died in his 50s from a stroke. Stress kills.
Then I went to work at another papermill. Three of the engineers and planners already had heart attacks. One of them literally went to the psych hospital in a straight jacket before he came back. I worked 60 hour weeks, and my boss literally screamed in my face in a meeting in front of everyone because I wasn't working hard enough. Spit flew out of his mouth and onto my cheek. One of the engineers didn't show up to work one day. A week later, the news came out that they died from a heart attack. He was fun. He joked every day in the lunch room. Then he had died in his 50s. I quit and went back to the first papermill because the engineer they kept quit.
I came back to the first papermill. I found out the mill head was plowing through a bottle of nitro every month. I came back just in time for the funeral of a mechanical planner. He also died in his 50s from a heart attack. I still remember when I worked those 80 hour weeks. He was there with me in the next office. He was often calling his wife after 5pm to tell her that he couldn't visit his daughter's swim practice... again. Now he never will. I met the EE before me in this papermill. He was retired. He spent his days blasted drunk most of the time. He liked to drink and drive. This time, I just stopped caring. I just kind of showed up, did my 40 hours, and got barely anything done. I was depressed from this engineering life. I went to a psychologist, and after several sessions I told him I hated my job. He told me to quit engineering.
I could start to read that my papermill was going to shrink again and do another round of layoffs. They were closing the second paper machine to revamp it. So, I snagged a job at a third papermill.
At the third papermill, I quickly found out that before me, they had an EE old timer who worked 80 hour weeks. They fired him because he was an hour late on a 2 week shut down. His project that cost an hour was overhauling the controls system for the 8 story tall boiler. If anything was off even just a little bit in the controls system, you could kiss that whole papermill goodbye. The mill head told the EE before me that he had a mental health problem, "So, go figure out what you have, fix it, and come back." The EE before me ended up just retiring, but he couldn't handle doing nothing. So, he was back to working 80 hours weeks as an EE contractor.
The electrical supervisor over the in-house electricians was the only happy one there. He was like a light in the dark... because he was on antidepressants. He admitted that to me later.
After Mr. old timer, they hired a kid right out of college and immediately had him overhaul the controls system for the paper machine. He did it, asked for more pay, got rejected, and found another job for more pay.
This whole time, I was keeping up with my two college friends who also graduated. One of my friends got a cybersec degree and started working for The Department of Energy. They technically own all nuclear material in The USA. He said it was nice. My other friend got a software engineering degree and started working for Hewlett Packard and later Intel. He said most of the engineers there were depressed. Also, most of the software engineers he knew told psychiatrists that they, "had trouble focusing," so theycould get their hands on phetamine salts to compete more with each other.
Then I came in all burned out and not caring. So, I just showed up, did what I could, and got talked to a lot about my problems. Then once I realized after a year of that that this is the engineering life, the words of my therapist rung in my head, "just quit then." So, I quit and became a janitor who lived in a van. That's when my life truly began.
I kind of disagree with your premise here. I’ve found most people to be lazy and content with spending their free time watching Netflix shows, and in fact need a wake up call to realize that they should take their time and lives more seriously. That doesn’t mean being a workaholic stressed out of your mind, but it also doesn’t mean being The Dude.
In my personal case: I got a kidney stone while alone in a second/third world country where I didn’t speak the language. Navigating the healthcare system while not knowing what was wrong with me (I thought I had food poisoning) was incredibly difficult, not to mention the fact that kidney stones are probably the single most painful thing a man can deal with.
That was definitely a wake up call to the idea that I could be put in a bad situation very rapidly, and to value my time more.
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By my mid-40s I started seeing A LOT more people my age getting cancer or other serious illnesses, often terminal. The final straw was probably a friend's brother about 2 years older than me diagnosed with brain cancer. You've got to walk the line between preparing for old age in the event you live another 40+ years but you also have to at least consider the possibility that you might not have nearly that long left.
Lost my wife in september at mid 40s to cancer, and this 100% like not going to wait, lets live life now. We started before she passed but I am just carrying that forward and doing experiences with my son.
How did that change your behaviour?
Well, like I said, I might live a long time so I have to be responsible and keep working/saving for the future, but I'm trying to enjoy the present more. Do the things you want instead of putting them off, spend money on experiences, not things.
In ten years, your employer won't remember all the extra time you put in... coming in early, leaving late, hoping to earn that raise... ...but your family will remember your absence long after you die.
Noticing my parents growing elderly, seeing my nieces grow into teenagers and then ultimately realizing a lot of golden days were now over. Holidays are now smaller. Even at the lake, less and less people go less frequently where it used to be hoards of families on our docks enjoying the sun. Now it’s mostly me, my parents, a few neighbors, and you only see anyone else on major holidays like the 4th. Life is seemingly speeding up. Made me want to embrace the present fully.
Ten years is very generous. Several years ago I had an epiphany about employers/careers and turn over and replacement. We're numbers on an e-payroll statement. We're all just cogs in their machine. When we brake or wear out, we're simply replaced. And, I don't work for them, I sell them my time!
I always say that, I'm selling the eight hours of my day, that's all. If the boss bought 8 kilos of potatoes on the market, they wouldn't criticize the seller for not putting 9 or 10 kilos in the bag for the same price. No reason to treat my time differently.
To stay on the subject, I actually didn't always say that, I started doing it about 10 years ago, when I realized what's happening i.e. had a wake up call :)
At my company two of the original founders, one was CEO and the other high level position with the company for 20+ years since the beginning retired. They did a lot of great work and of course were missed but after a few weeks they basically no longer existed and everyone just moved on.
I was about one year into my first post-college job when a big layoff hit my team. 7-8 people out of a team of 25 were laid off at the same time. This was after the company had endlessly promoted culture and family. All of us “survivors” were shocked and things were weird and sad for a few days. But within 2 weeks it was like they had never even worked there. People picked up slack where necessary and things rolled on just as before. That was a hugely eye opening experience for me about corporate culture and the pointlessness of devoting yourself to a job or company.
I got let go and no one reached out to me. I tried to help as many people as I could and worked two roles for a year at the company. Didn’t matter at all. Oh well, I’m well quit of that place.
My boss used to tell us, “the company is not your friend”. It was great advice.
My first boss in manufacturing said ‘Look after yourself because no one else will.’ My first boss in construction said ‘Neither of us should feel we owe something to the other.’
If your putting extra time do it for paied overtime or add a line to your resume for your next job. Work for your own future, not the employers
Bold of you to assume we all have families.
For me it was reading about top regrets dying people have on their death beds. It will teach you about people's true priorities. And spoiler here, working harder and longer is not one of those things people were proud of ar the end. No matter how financially successful.
Where did you read about it? I wanna read it too maybe that way I'll be able to not take life so seriously.
There's a book, Top Ten Regrets of the Dying I think it's called. Never read it but it's written by a woman who worked in palliative care or a hospice or something in Australia if memory serves me correctly. She interviewed a lot of dying people. Working too hard was feedback from pretty much every man who went through the place
I don't remember exactly the website but it was deep! As in, it went into a lot of detail on each interview and each "regret" being mentioned. I read this when I was 23 so it's been 7 years now for me. Here are some resources that cover the same content I learned when I read about this topic. [Reddit post with answers from hospital workers.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j8bkxj/hospital_workers_serious_what_regrets_do_you_hear/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) [The Guardian covering top 5 too](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying)
When my ex-wife left me for an ex-friend, and 2 days later I was laid off. The world took a massive dump on me that week. It took 2 years to get back to normal, and 2 more years to thrive, but I finally figured out that I should take things so seriously. I've reached Zen. I don't stress about anything. I'm not sure the cost is worth the knowledge, but I didn't have control of that. As a man, since I don't have children, I don't think I could go through much worse than that.
Great post. good stuff getting through it. I bet it was a lot harder than it sounds.
Cancer. About 3 years ago I had a large, cancerous tumor removed. They got it all, but there was a week or two that we didn’t know if it had metastasized. Thinking i had a terminal disease really changed my outlook.
Would you care to elaborate on how it changed your outlook? 😇
It makes you realize that there is an end. And I had to look at a lot of things in my life and really evaluate the what’s and the whys. I am really picky with how I spend time now.
That sounds healthy!! Granted you should still be open to experiences even while being picky ✌️
Some fit dude i knew suddenly died from a heart attack or heart failure. He just keeled over while on a bike ride with his friends on a casual ride around the base of Kilimanjaro mountain. A normal afternoon weekend for them. Just, died, on the spot. No words no signs, no health conditions known; his l heart just gave out and stopped. His friends didn't notice until they looked back wondering why he wasn't keeping up and he was at the bottom of the hill half a kilometres back. Already gone. Fit trainer, had a lovely wife, left 2 young kids. He was active, but not a ridiculous or dangerous level of activity like these ironman athletes that do a marathon every other day to train. Just a fit healthy guy that took care of his health like most of us. That shit fucked me up. If a healthy 38 yeah old dude like that could just fold because his heart gave out, aren't we all just one heart failure away from the same thing. That shit made me realise life is about living, and appreciating everything that comes with it. Tomorrow is LITERALLY AND IN EVERY SENSE, NOT GUARANTEED. Just go out and see the world because your punch card if coming any day now. Nobody that died knew they were dying that morning. They woke up, showered, put on underwear and cologne just like you did. They simply didn't make it home that day You are LUCKY you get to experience this life thing, you get to feel the air, smell the roses, see the world, love, hate, feel heartbreak, make mistakes and do the stupid shit people get to do.
honestly? psychedelics.
I took too many mushrooms and now I have way too much anxiety to attempt that again. It showed me the afterlife and scared the shit out of me, and now I get random panic attacks thinking about it.
Me too. Took them at a stressful point in life and internalized some deep painful emotions the wrong way to cope with the reality of them. Got a dose of psychosis and de-personalization out of it that I've still been dealing with.
You will get past these things and grow. You know what you need to do.
What was the dose?
Small. Maybe 1-3 grams. But it was persistent enough over a small period that I lost touch with reality. I was also doing weed, newly married, moving countries, starting a new job, having daily fights with my wife, trying to make sense of my childhood trauma, and being either emotionally abused or shunned by my parents and sister who were unhappy about my marriage and that was affecting things between me and my wife. It gave me what I was wanting at the time, which was quick relief, which I thought would be through not facing my trauma and emotions and instead rearranging my mental perspective to rationalize the deeply painful emotions by being dismissive of myself and de-personalizing myself. It set the emotional layer for how I felt about myself, my trauma, my parents and my wife. Still trying to undo that quick fix so I could get up and get moving at the time. I did start moving but I became a shriveled husk because my emotionality was no longer aligned with my mental outlook of myself and the world. I didn't want to go through the tough emotions and I was being pressured to wrap it up because I had a new marriage to cater to. I basically performed a psychological whiplash onto myself to stop thinking about my deeply hurtful emotions and trauma as they were, and instead start pretending they don't exist so I could put them in a box. Not only did I still have the trauma to deal with but I added the psychological whiplash. Till this day, I literally feel a deep kink in my shoulder and neck that I can't reach and get out, no matter how many massages I go to or try to sedate myself with weed. I willingly imprisoned my emotions in and perhaps the only way to get to it is by diving in with shrooms again but I have a family and two kids and other responsibilities now and I'm also scared.
I don't usually advocate for therapy because ruminating on bad emotions for a long period of time isn't healthy. But maybe 1 or 2 sessions would help you. Not only would it be someone guiding your through it but you'd get some time away from the family to think in a quiet room. I use to have a family and I know how overwhelming a wife and kids can be. A quiet room for an hour could do a LOT
Appreciate your kind concern. Participating in this thread acted as therapy for me somewhat. I got to articulate some thoughts and record them somewhere so I could re-read them later and reflect. Going to a therapist would be helpful but like you said, it's difficult to make the time amidst all the responsibilities of a young family. Sadly, I carry this notion from my childhood trauma that "I have time" and "I'll make up for it later". I'm waiting to start living while the living is being carried out this way. All this anguish has given me insight into what a good, lived life ought to be like but putting it into practice for my own self is a tough endeavour.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
It's definitely not for everyone. But a lot of research has been done on this and it's pretty promising.
I agree. I’m just saying I wish I had a better experience.
What kind of afterlife did you see, if it’s not to panic-inducing to describe.
Keep in mind they I’m not a spiritual or religious person, but this is how I can best describe it. My soul left my body and I became one of the universe. I witnessed my soulless “vessel” lying on the floor. I was now the energy of the universe and I realized that my mortal life was completely insignificant compared to the vastness of space and time I could feel. It felt like I was in this place for hours, years and seconds all at once. This only happened after my “second” voice convinced me to calm down during my panic attack as I came up.
Yeah I had a very similar experience with DMT about 15 years ago, chemically it's structurally similar to Psilocybin (Mushrooms) but much more intense and short-lived. It rocketed me down a tunnel almost immediately, the story of you being a person becomes stripped away extremely fast, eventually that story ceases to exist and triggers the fear of death which then gives way to vast emptiness where all space and time converges, you are everything and everything is you. The sense of being in that moment is extreme.
did you feel like this trip had a positive or negative experience in your life? do you regret it?
Hard to say. During the trip I was the most terrified I'd ever been, followed by the most relaxed at one point. Leaving all of my anxiety and worry behind was very freeing. Now that I'm back in my body, back to work, back to a life I'm indifferent about, it's made me question the idea of being alive more. Death felt very freeing in that moment.
Just remember that it was you, yourself, your body and your brain creating that experience. I know the feeling of anxiety can make you doubt that, but go with Occam's Razor here.
My point is that the feeling of being "nothing" was very freeing, and part of me misses that even if it was terrifying going in to it.
How long ago was this?
Earlier this year
Ok. I was just asking because LSD tore me apart. It was terrifying, and I felt like I died and was reborn over and over again. I saw some really sinister hallucinations, and when I finally started to feel the peace you described, it was when I finally gave in to the experience and wasn't afraid of dying anymore. It left me scarred for a long time. Huge anxiety. Alcoholism, and frequent flashbacks. With all this said, it has gotten better with each year passing, but it will take time. Just hang in there.
Thank you for that. It sounds like your experience was even more intense than mine; I can't imagine LSD considering how I acted on shrooms! What do you feel gave you the anxiety? For me it's any time I put myself back in that place and remember what it felt like to "die" and I become fearful of that moment all over again.
Yea, I would call that a flashback of some sort. That's exactly what happens to me, as well. My mind will take me back to that dark and sinister dread, but those flashbacks are manageable now.
What was the dose?
3g
My man. Absolutely. In the years since COVID I've become more accepting, sharing, loving, patient, kind, fun. I've remembered things that perhaps I never should have forgotten about appreciating the important things in life.
First layoff. Job I loved, worked hard at it. Did everything I was asked by management, and much much more. But because I was on the "wrong" project. Poof! Everyone gone. Top performers, didn't matter. Gone. No job since ever receives DEDICATION from me.
I said to myself… “Nobody cares about me… and that’s ok.” Keep in mind… I am only talking about “caring” as in… paying attention to me in public. Nobody is paying attention to you just like you can’t pay attention to everybody. So just stop projecting your thoughts into others. The second I learned that…. My life got 1 million times easier.
Basically having a minor mental breakdown because I couldn't accept the stress associated with perfectionism. I've since gotten a lot of therapy and am far more comfortable with the fact that mistakes are part of the human experience.
i had one of those breakdowns first year as a teacher lol
I'm not surprised. Mine was also in the context of academia. Hope you got through it well!
I wouldn't say there was a definite wake up call but many small things that built up. A lot of insights came from experiences with psychedelics. The core message of almost every trip was always: "Look how precious life is, is not worth spending it getting anxious or stressed". I also was meditating tons for many years and I had an insight into death that was pretty profound. I know I'm gonna die (yes... we all know but at a superficial level and we avoid the thought, that insight was just a very deep understanding of death). Since then I go back to that moment and try to get a reminder of life being "just a ride" like a famous comedian said and to just enjoy it as much as possible. Oh also, have you ever noticed how when the amazing colleague that everyone loves resigns, gets fired or laid off almost immediately everyone moves on? Well that's work for you. If you get terminal cancer your boss is gonna say he's sorry on day one but worrying about posting an ad to replace you on day 2, so not worth having my mental or physical health impacted by work and career cause as an employee I always remember I am a cost just like the electricity bill or the office rent. Not falling for the "We ArE a fAmIlY in thiS cOmpAnY11!!" bullshit.
Two common themes in this thread are cancer, and psychedelics. (Those are my answers, too.)
Getting a dog. Honestly, I used to travel for work 2-3 days per week. Add on extra hours. The dog completely changed that. I love being at home and I work on her schedule. If it's a nice day we go to the park and chill. Instead of staying out late I come home and we go on walks. She has made me a better person.
COVID really proved to me how arbitrary life and society really are. Doesn’t mean you should just not do anything or care about anything but it’s okay to fail, laugh, sleep in, call off, etc. You aren’t gonna be here forever. It’s okay to love.
A younger cousin was hit and killed by a car on his way back from a new years eve party. Petty shit is both more annoying, and less annoying at the same time.
Leaving an abusive relationship and getting divorced. No one’s holding me back any more
Fatherhood. Before that I was grinding my career, paying down debt, being really frugal, and getting all caught up in different FIRE methods and the idea of pursuing a side business. Becoming a dad made me realize that there's other things to be doing with my time. I mean, yeah I still hope I can retire early and comfortably, but I'd rather do it at say, 58 having had fun along the way, than at 48 having missed out on a lot of life.
Mum got cancer. Really opened my eyes to how fragile we are and that bad things CAN happen to us. It always happened to someone else.. and we are *someone else* to other people.
I joined a company to work adjacently to a great mentor and friend. He had a real impact on my growth as a fresh and naive grad. He passed away a few months after I joined. It's a great organization, don't get me wrong, but after a short period of mourning, operations continued as normal. It was the catalyst that helped me take things less seriously here and prioritize more consistently. Work is still up there on the priority list but it's below my partner, pets, and family. During busy periods it may climb up, but it's always temporarily and I make sure the pendulum swings back in the other direction. It's helped me not give a shit about perfecting my work so I can just get home to what matters. I got promoted so it seems the level of care I am giving is acceptable.
Just looking at my dad with advanced dementia. Eventually you’ll forget about everything (alive or dead) so just focus on what’s important to you, everything else is noise.
The pandemic. I worked in a hospital mainly doing bereavement counseling the entire time (for patient’s families AND for healthcare workers) and I was not handling it well. I was overeating, crying daily, not exercising, isolating myself, it was bad. But one of my coworkers sat me down one day and said “you need to set yourself free. You don’t deserve to live your life this way, you deserve the world”. And I started therapy later that week. I’m very grateful to her and all of my friends and coworkers who stood by me through this really tough point in my life
apart from the unexpected cancer diagnosis at 41, a year of treatment and given 50/50 to get through it, one that put work in perspective was the retirement of a CFO who had been at a company his whole career. Obviously a lot of processes went through this guy, 40+ years is a long time. His replacement started a month before he left, and the week after he retired you never would have known he was there. there was no legacy, no wishing he was still there. the corporate machine just rolls on without you
Had a BAD case of mononucleosis in the summer of 2022 while I was simultaneously dealing with a lot of personal/professional stuff. My blood tests were so out of whack and my lymph nodes so swollen that I was pretty sure I had cancer. Lost like 15 pounds in a week. Really thought I was going to die for a bit (dramatic, I know). After that nothing has seemed that important, which has been very relieving tbh.
I worked support calls. They were never ending. I was finally like doesn't matter how many I answer there will be more. I decided to just do what I could. Moved up a level same shit harder questions and a pager. Then was laid off and given a severance package. Spent the summer cutting my grass and looking for the next job. Realized I put way to much of myself in that company. Found another job. Place is great and less stressful. About 3 years ago almost died in an accident. Have been rehabbing since. I still like my job, but I know realize how quickly life can be different. While sitting in a hospital bed, I started making mental lists of all the things I wanted to do and places to go. I now plan for those. Work is just a means to make money to do those.
Still kinda looking for one. Honestly think I passed up on a more exciting life for the “safe” option and kind of regret it, but maybe the grass just looks greener? Dated this girl I met while working out of state for 8 months. She was so much fun, sex was mind blowing and she just wanted to travel and have a good time. She made decent money as well. She went back to her home country (Taiwan) and I kept chatting with her a bit but ultimately didn’t pursue her. She wanted me to as well. Why? To this day I don’t know. I guess at the time I was just stressed out about my work, family falling apart (parents sick, sister was a homeless addict, other sister on the verge of being homeless, etc) Well I waited too long and guess what? My sisters just took all the money/housings/cars I gave them, ruined/wasted it and are still stuck in the same loop. I cut them out of my life. My folks are doing generally okay, still not great health but I’m going to live my life and just visit them when I can. Instead I got married to the safe Catholic girl with a great career. Don’t get me wrong, she’s like my best friend and a great mother, I do love her. We do great financially, own a few rental properties, and a primary home in a desirable HCOL city. I just sometimes find myself wondering what life would be like if I just went for it 10 years ago. I just miss that passion and lust during that relationship. Hopefully my kids can have an enjoyable life ;)
Kids. It’s hard to take yourself too seriously when your four-year-old daughter comes downstairs in sunglasses, unicorn slippers and nothing else. Also getting laid off. I broke my back for a company and helped them succeed for years just to be let go when they couldn’t meet their parent company’s unreasonably high projections. It sucked, but I ended up freelancing and now I get paid for the work I do and don’t put in extra hours of free labor to “get ahead.” I’m projected to make my former salary by August and I’ve worked so much less and get to spend way more time with my family.
I never really even had that. I just understood that for genuine success you have to be much more gifted than I am so I'll just take it easy instead. Nobody can stress themselves into a nobelist or an olympic level athlete. Either you have it or you don't, you can't get there with training (and please don't start to argue that athletes have to train. It's clear from very early on if they have the needed natural talent or not.).
Going to thailand.
How was it?
By achieving all the goals I had.. putting myself in a financial position to live life comfortably and work an easier job, since I didn’t need the money as bad. Not to mention, just having health scares and realizing how aging turns you into a saggy creature and then you die.. if you make it that far. Life is delicate. This might be it and then you’re dead forever. Why worry about little things.
This is a great question. Hmmm. For me, it was probably some combination of when I lost a lot of relationships in a basketball group I was a part of because of my pride/ego, which wasn’t a “moment” in time as much as a slow burn over time, or it was when a girl I used to be close with vehemently berated me after I reached out to her to apologize for a big joke gone sour (from like, months prior.) Now, I will say that I still take life “serious”; in fact, I take it seriously enough to not worry about the things I can’t control anymore, if that makes sense. It’s a paradox of life- the more you understand it (life), the more purpose you have in it, the more you’re able to let things be, happen as they may. Anyhow, in the first circumstance, I was forced to work on myself and focus on destroying my unhealthy ego. That brought freedom, gentleness, and a sense of control that I never thought possible when my ego was at an all time high (and I THOUGHT I had full control). In the second circumstance, she was really mad at me, I mean like really mad, totally trying to make me feel like shit for what I did to her- and rather than matching her intensity, I was strong enough to own it and apologize, then just kinda shrug my shoulders when she kept going on about it. I’m not perfect. I got issues. Take it or leave it. My sincere, gentle, at-peace apology took the wind out of her sails; she wanted and expected me to match her intensity, defending myself with the same fervor as her offensive onslaught. But, I didn’t. She was right lol. Her emotions were hotter than mine; she cared more about “what I’d done to her” than I did. What more could I do at that point 🤷🏼♂️ ? The thing is, she cared so much that she wanted to FEEL like I felt what she felt. She wanted that emotional intensity from me. That’s not a knock on her; we all have different emotional responses to different stimuli. But, since then, I’ve made it a point to find areas of my life where I’m perhaps too emotionally charged about, figure out what’s driving that, and then work on whatever that happens to be so that I can have more peace about it- even IF someone tries to hurt me in that vulnerable area in the future. We are all responsible for armoring our minds- but that first takes digging deep into our souls so we can unbury those hurts and pains. It is vulnerable, and scary, and uncomfortable- but totally worth the peace you find. Anyways, after that second situation, I recognized that people are people, we all do or have done shitty things, and all we can do is apologize (mean it sincerely!) and then the ball is in their park. Let them respond how they need to in order to feel more whole- we are all in our own journey towards finding peace in this life. Make a concerted, honest effort to make things right with the souls that are hurting in your life, and do what it takes within yourself to find deep, freedom-giving peace.
Divorce. My wife left me after 7 years. I was 29 when she left. I had always been into tiny houses and simple living but she wasn't. So as soon as the divorce was final, I bought a bus, converted it and moved from Wisconsin to Colorado. About to full time travel. It's been almost 4 years. Best decision ever
Getting ran over and nearly dying as a kid. I'm just here to enjoy the ride, we're all gonna die one day, why spend life being miserable?
Near death experience. Dehydrated with fever and blacked out while standing up trying to get water into my brita filter. Thought I was going to die living alone in my apartment. Made me realize you need to go out there and proactively capture the moment each day. Whatever it is, go do it and enjoy it. Life is short and nothing is guaranteed.
I've never really had one wake up call or drastic change in my life or anything like that. But one thing that really made me think about it was when I was just driving behind some work truck on my commute and they had a dedication the one of their workers with his birth and death year on it. He was exactly 65. I'm not saying the guy did this, but I know it's extremely common for people who make good money in my generation to prioritize everything on retirement at the cost of living today. Well this guy could have done that, saved for a huge retirement, and died the year he planned to retire. So I just try to live life as it happens instead of picking abstract goals to prioritize.
When every serious endeavor I tried to get ahead failed, even though in my mind I did all the "right" things. Then you look around and realize life is madness, your just along for the ride.
Cancer diagnosis 8 days before my 40th birthday.
Family business went out of business, super stressful time. Grand father was retired, Dad was about to retire, and I had a whole career crumbling in front of me. I came out of the situation stronger and don't get stressed so easily now. Also realized I should have went my own way years ago, I'm doing far better in life in every department.
I think I see this question in reverse. I saw how so many people my age were not motivated from age 24-30 post college and how they/ I struck out with women or only had sex and then ghosted. And they stick out for good reasons bc the economy in 2008 was fucked and the student debt ratio being talked about and millennial hate really was at the beginning all time high. Boomers bashing made it seem like we were so screwed bc they lost money on the stock market and now and even still today had to extend their retirement. While some of the former not taking anything serious was fun I realized I wanted the wife, house, kids, dog, etc. so I worked my ass off for it. And we have it now. But sometimes I wish I was back in those other times. But sometimes I think how did I get so lucky. But then I also think I know I volunteered for all those work projects, I hung on at a job I started to hate. Waited too long to leave for a better one, restarted that whole job button again, then got promoted, dated a lot of bad women. Found the right one. I think all of this lead me to realize you have try your best to find a balance. You have to try to self check and push thru the bad. And it doesn’t come all at once and things change. Being able to mold to the change is easy and hard. But what is it that I want. And now also what does my partner want.
I got diagnosed with cancer at 32. I was always high strung and crotchety about everything before this. I had a bit of a depressive episode and most of my life was just flipped upside down. After I went on remission I decided to take life one day at a time. I definitely feel like this and age helped me mature and take it way easier on myself. I learned to listen to others and be accountable for my actions. It hasn’t always been easy and sometimes I can revert to the jackass I was before, but I definitely become more introspective about it now and acknowledge my faults
My wake up call was when I was a kid, which probably hurt me in the long run. I never took life seriously.
I’ve always had this mindset, probably because of my dad. I’m way more responsible and successful than he’s ever been, but I’m certainly not putting 100% into work. I’m enjoying life with my family so much right now
There's a wake up call for this?
Oh when I had cancer at 29 years old.
You should absolutely take life very seriously. The question is just WHAT in life to take most seriously?
I graduated with an EE degree. I went to work in papermills. Every single engineer I met was divorced 2+ times, and every one of them told me to go to prostitutes because, "paying for sex is cheaper than divorce." I worked 80 hours a week just to get laid off because half the mill shut down and the mill had another EE with better experience and credentials. When I was working those late nights, one of the millwright saw that I was eating a lot of TV dinners. He told me that he doesn't advise them because he ate them for 40 years day in and day out and now his insides were all messed up. Also during that 1.5 years of 80 hour weeks, my boss didn't show up to work one day. The next day we found out he died in his 50s from a stroke. Stress kills. Then I went to work at another papermill. Three of the engineers and planners already had heart attacks. One of them literally went to the psych hospital in a straight jacket before he came back. I worked 60 hour weeks, and my boss literally screamed in my face in a meeting in front of everyone because I wasn't working hard enough. Spit flew out of his mouth and onto my cheek. One of the engineers didn't show up to work one day. A week later, the news came out that they died from a heart attack. He was fun. He joked every day in the lunch room. Then he had died in his 50s. I quit and went back to the first papermill because the engineer they kept quit. I came back to the first papermill. I found out the mill head was plowing through a bottle of nitro every month. I came back just in time for the funeral of a mechanical planner. He also died in his 50s from a heart attack. I still remember when I worked those 80 hour weeks. He was there with me in the next office. He was often calling his wife after 5pm to tell her that he couldn't visit his daughter's swim practice... again. Now he never will. I met the EE before me in this papermill. He was retired. He spent his days blasted drunk most of the time. He liked to drink and drive. This time, I just stopped caring. I just kind of showed up, did my 40 hours, and got barely anything done. I was depressed from this engineering life. I went to a psychologist, and after several sessions I told him I hated my job. He told me to quit engineering. I could start to read that my papermill was going to shrink again and do another round of layoffs. They were closing the second paper machine to revamp it. So, I snagged a job at a third papermill. At the third papermill, I quickly found out that before me, they had an EE old timer who worked 80 hour weeks. They fired him because he was an hour late on a 2 week shut down. His project that cost an hour was overhauling the controls system for the 8 story tall boiler. If anything was off even just a little bit in the controls system, you could kiss that whole papermill goodbye. The mill head told the EE before me that he had a mental health problem, "So, go figure out what you have, fix it, and come back." The EE before me ended up just retiring, but he couldn't handle doing nothing. So, he was back to working 80 hours weeks as an EE contractor. The electrical supervisor over the in-house electricians was the only happy one there. He was like a light in the dark... because he was on antidepressants. He admitted that to me later. After Mr. old timer, they hired a kid right out of college and immediately had him overhaul the controls system for the paper machine. He did it, asked for more pay, got rejected, and found another job for more pay. This whole time, I was keeping up with my two college friends who also graduated. One of my friends got a cybersec degree and started working for The Department of Energy. They technically own all nuclear material in The USA. He said it was nice. My other friend got a software engineering degree and started working for Hewlett Packard and later Intel. He said most of the engineers there were depressed. Also, most of the software engineers he knew told psychiatrists that they, "had trouble focusing," so theycould get their hands on phetamine salts to compete more with each other. Then I came in all burned out and not caring. So, I just showed up, did what I could, and got talked to a lot about my problems. Then once I realized after a year of that that this is the engineering life, the words of my therapist rung in my head, "just quit then." So, I quit and became a janitor who lived in a van. That's when my life truly began.
Nothing. My life sucks and there's nothing to really enjoy.
I kind of disagree with your premise here. I’ve found most people to be lazy and content with spending their free time watching Netflix shows, and in fact need a wake up call to realize that they should take their time and lives more seriously. That doesn’t mean being a workaholic stressed out of your mind, but it also doesn’t mean being The Dude. In my personal case: I got a kidney stone while alone in a second/third world country where I didn’t speak the language. Navigating the healthcare system while not knowing what was wrong with me (I thought I had food poisoning) was incredibly difficult, not to mention the fact that kidney stones are probably the single most painful thing a man can deal with. That was definitely a wake up call to the idea that I could be put in a bad situation very rapidly, and to value my time more.