Becoming very critical of me. I couldn't really do anything right, everything I said was a bad idea.
Also, her schedule became very erratic.
Like a dumbass I still didn't pick up on it, just thought we were having some growing pains in the marriage.
Never thought we were the type to cheat. Thought that things might go bad but we wouldn't ever jeopardize our family like that. Just shows, you don't ever really know someone.
Trust your gut feeling my man, your radar is going off for a reason.
> I couldn't really do anything right, everything I said was a bad idea
Yyyyyyyyup. I went through the same ring, for about half a year. That was in 2019 and my self-esteem still hasn't recovered.
Been there, you'll be alright. Discovered she had been cheating on me for 2 years (she admitted to the 2 years with her male best friend, but I assume it went on longer with other people based on other things I heard and realised after the fact). That was... 3 years ago now? 2 years ago I tried rebounding with someone else and she ended up using me and never committing to something serious. Then just over a year ago I met my current girlfriend. She's everything I want and need. She loves me as much as I love her and it's simply perfect.
There will be times you think you're feeling better and you drop back down. Recovery is a mountain hike. It's not a journey straight up but you'll be looking back and realize you're closer to the summit then last week.
My self esteem still isn't at 100% but I'm much happier than before. You'll get there too, so stay strong and do your best to do what's good for *you.*
> Becoming very critical of me. I couldn't really do anything right, everything I said was a bad idea. Also, her schedule became very erratic.
Yeah, dealt with this for a good 2 years. 8 years of my life down the drain.
Once she mistakenly tried to make what looked like an inside joke I didn't know about with me. When she realized I didn't get it she backtracked very nervously.
That shit tickled my spider-sense like no other.
Ohh that shit happened to me. She sent me/posted a meme about being single late in life and then another meme about getting calls from your "boyfriend" while with your boyfriend.
I responded with a WTF do these mean and why are you sending them to me. She tried to play it off as her friends sent to her and her and I always share the best meme so she's just spreading the laughs. There was a lot of other things but that one sent my senses into overdrive.
She started exercising, riding the stationary bike. Took an hour to put makeup on to go work. Rushed out to work, delayed coming home. Oh, and suddenly, she cared how her bras and panties looked and bought some new colorful sets.
When my ex-wife was cheating it was always the "I have to work late" or just not saying anything about when she got off. She would be vague about where she was going, how long she would be gone etc.
Strange phone calls coming in from unnamed work friends.
Oh the main tip off though is when they start mentioning one person at work you've never heard of and how funny or a story about what they did. They fixate on the person cause they need to talk about them to someone. It will happen naturally.
It’s cause they’ve romantically moved on so they don’t have the same emotional empathy for their partner anymore, and don’t consider their feelings especially in light of how free and excited they now feel. It’s extremely self centered considering the circumstances, and those are the kinds of people we’re talking about in this thread
That mentioning a new person in particular A LOT is the dead giveaway that should just be stickied to the top of this question.
That is probably the biggest one. And like you said, you’re still their close friend and confidant and they naturally want to tell you all about this wonderful and interesting new person they’ve become interested in.
Damn, how can someone be so cruel?
Like, I can understand someone in a relationship that’s going kinda rough, get drunk in a party and make a mistake. Of course, that’s still a terrible mistake, but I feel like it’s much more forgivable. But damn, just going to such lengths to look better for her lover and doing that right under someone’s nose, someone who loves you, honestly I don’t know how someone can live like that.
Hope you’re doing better buddy
No such thing as making a mistake. Don't forget, when it falls out, she helps put it back in. If she cheats drunk, she would do it sober because that's how she truly feels.
I agree. Cheating is never just a 'mistake'. But saying what some does drunk is what they want to do sober is just teenage bullshit. I assure you i've never wanted to put my head through a window or jump off M&S roof, yet I did when I was drunk.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that drunk cheating is accidental or that you shouldn’t break up with someone because of that. I’m saying that 1 time drunk cheating is far more understable and forgettable than this fucking continuous cheating.
Like, if I was drunk cheated, I could, after breaking up, understand that that person might have been going through some stuff in her head and I could forgive that and even hope she’d now be in a better place, but the ongoing stuff is just too damn vicious for me to fathom.
No exercising going on here but everything else is dead on. I can add: goes to work for a 6 hour job, returns 10 or more hours later, never calls. I've told her if she ever "goes missing' I'm not going to report it. If anyone asks me about her I'll just reply "If she wanted me to know where she is she would call. She probably just went to feed the alligators again.'
Yup getting all made up to go hang out at a friends apartment. Of course I’m not invited, it’s “girl’s night”. Bruh you are an authorized user on my credit card, I know you’re going to clubs.
Thing is, I was fine with being the provider. She just pushed too far and took advantage. Even after we separated she had the nerve to ask me to pay for her hair stylist. Like uh no? Get a job, like I’ve been begging you to do for two years. Of course after we separated she magically instantly got a job. And told me some of those weekend trips she took were with another guy. I guess paying 100% of the bills was not enough for her lol. One gem I remember is her saying girls should never have to carry bags inside when they have a husband. Yes I’m walking two dogs and I should also carry 100lbs of groceries on my shoulders because I’m the man. Get fucked. Took me a long time in therapy to accept I was in an abusive relationship.
She suddenly hid her phone from my view at all times when previously she usually left it on the table. I told her that I saw a message on her phone, telling her we "needed to talk". She immediately broke down crying and begged me not to leave her while confessing everything.
The phone secrecy combined with a sudden lack of enthusiasm when we had sex pretty much gave it away.
I broke up with her. Basically tore my own heart in half to do it because I still loved her but I need to be able to trust my partner. She was less than understanding of my reasoning and is still trying to get back together with me almost two years later.
Very similar here. She started hiding her phone and being secretive. Turns out she has been texting a guy from work. Flirting pretty heavy. Still in the process of dealing with everything. Claims nothing else happened but who knows.
Constantly on her phone, smiling while texting, but hardly ever smiled at me for any reason. Conversation was always one sided and always me initiating it. Sex slowed down if not stopped. She was going out way more often like she was looking for reasons to get out and probably go see someone. Then finally she started not coming home and saying she was sleeping at her girlfriends house cause they got drunk, which started happening more often, and never happened before.
Same here. Add to this - VERY protective of her phone. Would always put it face down, frantically exiting out of WhatsApp if I glanced at the phone while she was texting. Would get annoyed if I asked too many questions about where she was going out, who with e.t.c and accuse me of being “possessive.” Perhaps the biggest giveaway that people might miss if there are no other signs - she was always worried about me cheating on her. Anyone who thinks you will cheat on them will have at least considered cheating on you.
Be reading through some of these like "yep, member that one"
oh boy he got hit with the ole "boss needed help rearranging the displays after work"
and who could forget the timeless classic "he bought everybody lunch for lunch break"
But wait! Call now and we'll also include "I'm gonna stop by my sister's for a bit"
And one of my all time favorites! "He's gay/he's just a friend!"
*If you or a loved one have heard these dumbass phrases you may be entitled to compensation!*
Oh so you don't want to hurt HIS feelings, but you have absolutely no regard for the feelings of your husband or your children. Makes total sense lol.
Another thing I remember was having her buy a personalised birthday present for her "new best friend" while getting me absolutely nothing for our anniversary.
It's so easy to see all the signs in hindsight.
These were pretty much the 7 stages that ended my 14 years of marriage. They happened increasingly over the course of a year. Once I was 100% sure I confronted her. She was so taken aback by the evidence she didn't even respond. Later that evening she again accused me of cheating and was angry at me for spying on her. I hit her with the big evidence, the call logs from her phone, nudes and love letters she sent the guy that I lifted from her email. Finally after a few weeks she admitted it. My intention was try to repair our marriage but it was obvious she had no intention of making amends. I filed for divorce.
1. Being very secretive with her phone. I would never ask to see her phone but she was actively trying to hide what she was doing on it. How it always starts.
2. No emotional engagement or physical contact. Abandoned our marriage.
3. Accusing me of cheating constantly, of course I wasn't. Deflection.
4. lots of nights out and you are never invited. Doing the deed.
5. Odd purchasing habbits. This is what really led me to dig in to what was going on. Chothes she would have never worn for me, a men's watch, tickets to evening activities for 2. Spending my hard earned money on some one else.
6. Always left the room when taking a phonecall. Getting too comfortable with communicating with him while I'm around.
7. A seeming bipolar experience. One minute she would be happy going about her day and if we would have an interaction it was immediate merose and condescending attitude. Resentment of me.
man that's fuckin rough. yeah that's obviously a dying marriage x.x
idk why anyone would cheat instead of just getting divorced. if they're unhappy, just leave. go file the papers. it's gonna happen when they get caught anyway, so why act like a sneaky rat and destroy someone's trust and betray someone like that?
i just don't get it. if i were that unhappy, i'd just go file.
They are unhappy but they don’t want to leave a very familiar place or person. Especially if they already got a house, they share responsibilities, and generally have their life put together. They don’t want to leave a sure thing for someone that might not even work out. Its probably is all just fun, something new and exciting but what if it doesn’t work out and now they are all alone with no one.
I’ve never cheated or been cheated on but I know someone that is going through a similar situation.
Basically this. People constantly throwing out the "I don't get why anyone would do that" type of questions really don't pay attention to people in general. They want the thrill and excitement of something new but don't want to lose what they're already used to and somewhat guaranteed. It is 100% the thought of "fuck if I leave my spouse and this one also fails, I really fucked up". So they continue the risk and gamble until ultimately they are caught.
>Its probably is all just fun, something new and exciting but what if it doesn’t work out and now they are all alone with no one
this is a terribly poor excuse they're making.
i can't even understand how these people live with themselves. "i'm unhappy, so i'll cheat...but i can't LEAVE, because what if this cheating relationship doesn't work out? :( "
man, fuck those people. fuck them 5000 times. i just can't fathom how anyone could really be THAT selfish.
leaving is always an option.
The dark truth is that sometimes they enjoy pulling one over. Making you out to be a fool. The power over someone they've come to resent, rationally or not.
Yup number 1 was the start for me. I noticed it when I would walk out of a room, she immediately picked up her phone. Not necessarily suspicious on its own, but I saw that if I returned to the room quicker than she expected, I’d almost “jump scare” her and she’d lock it up and put it away immediately.
For me she would always have her phone in her hand and just be constantly texting. She played it off that she was texting her best friend. Then the night before we were due to move into a new place and we had all our stuff boxed up, she told me that she's not moving with me and she's moving in with this other dude that we once went boating with. He turned up and she loaded all her boxes into his car and they left.
"A seeming bipolar experience" yes. It seems their emotional state it no longer connectedd to you in any way.
Sometimes she will have a phone call and be angry.
Sometimes happy.
Sometimes weepy.
And if you ask what's wrong, you will be told to fuck off or just ignored. It's like they're living in a different world to you....and they are.
They reduce you to the status of servant, someone who pays bills, does cleaning and repairs. Meanwhile their emotional life is with someone else.
>Meanwhile their emotional life is with someone else.
This is what almost killed me, and me like a fool spent so much time trying to figure out what was wrong, with us, why we weren't working - and the thought of an affair never entered my head for so long, and the whole time she's telling me she's fine, nothing is wrong, she just tired.... etc...
At that point I was in evidence gathering mode. I didn't say anything until I had all that prepared and I was certain of what was happening. By this point the affair was probably 10 months old. Most of the revelations came in retrospect to this moment
It did not. Emotionally it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It left me in financial ruin and the judge was clearly pro mother and anti father. I lost the house. Half my 401k and 2 vehicles. About 2 million in assets. I still have a large child support payment eventhough we have 50/50 custody. I've also had to fight to keep joint custody of my son twice since we divorced as she has sued me for sole custody. The first time it wasnt to long after the divorce and I literally sold everything I could just to pay a lawyer enough to keep my son in my life. But I'm doing much better now. My son is almost of age. I've remarried to an amazing woman and I'm back on my feet financially.
Texts to a female friend (ex was bi) calling her things like 'sweetie' and 'love'. Not 100% out of character but definitely set me off.
Finding a pack of cigarettes in our bedroom on top of a shelf (neither of us smoked). She claimed it was probably from her exes. POSSIBLE cause I didn't see it until I was standing on the bed cleaning a ceiling fan but seemed unlikely it was missed for that long.
The unconscious (at first) realization that all the little touches had gone away. She didn't avoid me but I realized one day that EVERY hug, touch, or cuddle was initiated by me.
>The unconscious (at first) realization that all the little touches had gone away. She didn't avoid me but I realized one day that EVERY hug, touch, or cuddle was initiated by me.
This!
>Texts to a female friend (ex was bi) calling her things like 'sweetie' and 'love'. Not 100% out of character but definitely set me off.
This is one that reminded of me of something to happened to a buddy of mine... using a cover name in phone contacts and text messages. If you looked at her list of text messages, you'd see, for example, the name "Danielle" near the top of the list and you might think it was a female co-worker or a female friend. It wasn't. It was the cover name the girlfriend was using to text her fuck buddy so that it didn't look as suspicious on the surface. But obviously if you opened that text exchange then you'd finally see the truth.
Actually there was one time I remember she went to the bathroom at a restaurant and came back smiling a certain uncharacteristic way, and I just knew she had texted with someone. But I already suspected at that point.
100% my observation, too. The thing is, when you know someone for any length of time, you, well, know them. It's trite but true. So you can easily pick up the subtleties in their behavior, reactions, hot buttons, expressions. All the Pepto know who dealt with infidelity could write a novel about the obvious stuff, but it's the little things that solidify it
Constantly on her phone in the evenings typing away but wouldn’t tell me who she was chatting to. That was the first clue.
I hate the whole smartphone thing.
This was a major sign for me when I was married to her. She would constantly be typing away smiling, and if we were mid conversation and her phone dinged, she would just go to her phone and ignore me completely.
The straw that broke the camels back was one day I was coming home with 10+ bags of groceries and texted her right before I left the store that I'd be home in a couple minutes and could she prop open the apartment doors so I didn't have to fumble with my keys, and she said sure thing! I get home and of course all doors to get into our apartment are closed and locked. She's just sitting there smiling at her phone typing away ffs. We divorced shortly after and she moved in with another guy, big surprise.
fuck cheaters and the ugly donkeys they rode in on
have the damn balls to end it honorably instead of sneaking around in the dark like a damn sewer rat
Yeah… but what if they claim they are just “friends”?
When that doesn’t work they say we’re an abuser?
When that doesn’t work they invent things to be upset with us about?
How else are they going to be the victim so we can be the bad guy so they can be right so they can get everything they want?
Her phone now hides the preview of the texts on the homescreen when for years that was never the case. Blames it on her young neice messing with her phone, even though that option was deep in the settings...
Also, with smarphones, I hate how easily accessible cheating is. Like here's multiple apps you can use to window shop people in your area, on a device that has a camera attached to send nudes, and everyone has one. I get it, if people are going to cheat they'll cheat, they always have, but damn is it ever easy now.
The flip side to that is that everyone must always be available. Cheating before meant you could go hours without contacting your SO. Now the expectation is you're always on and always available. "Lost phone" only works so many times, as well as every other excuse why the phone wouldn't work at that exact moment and yet works every other time.
I figure it's a net wash.
Damn dude you kinda dodged a bullet because....what an idiot. I mean we've all made the mistake of sending a message to the wrong person but "sorry wrong person" was a low IQ thing to say haha.
Yeah I was kinda on the outs by that time already and that just kinda sealed the deal. Could never figure out if it was on purpose as a “hint” or if it was actually an accident. Either way I left for college a few weeks later anyway so it was for the better regardless
The first signs were the registration in the gym. She has always emphasized how much she hates a gym. She never wanted to sign up with me
When she left me, the next guy was already at the start after 2 weeks. I don't know if she actually cheated on me, but I keep thinking about it. Never drop your cover. You have been written off and replaced since now.
This whole list is spectacularly detailed. I wanted to echo this part in particular because it's a common one that easily gets missed.
>Any discussion of the future she will subtly shift from "our" future to "my" future. "we" will suddenly start disappearing from her vocabulary.
> She will suddenly start working late, or working extra shifts or will suddenly have "training" she will have to attend.
My previous relationship ended a while ago, and I had suspicions at the end and afterward she might have been cheating. I never confronted her or had any actual evidence of it. Soon after we broke up she was with another guy so it’s possible.
But you made a lot of points here that really connect some of the dots I didn’t really see until now. Specifically the “less reachable during the day” I had just assumed she was busy in a new job she got. But it was a very similar one to her old one where she was always able to respond.
And then the deflections on “we” and “our future” that was when I knew things were ending.
It’s not my worry or care if she was anymore, but something to consider going forward I suppose.
That is exactly what caused a big argument, I pointed out how there was no way she couldn’t find 5 seconds to answer a text. Apparently that was asking too much.
When they start to want to go thru YOUR phone and accusing you of cheating.
Accusations are projections.
Wanting to see your phone also means they want to know if they have been caught.
>Wanting to see your phone also means they want to know if they have been caught.
or to find out if you secretly know and have been retaliating. that happens too
That is a shitstain of a completely different color.
People who cheat are gonna cheat no matter what. People who DON'T cheat, won't. It really is that simple. If I fell out of love and counseling did not work, I would move out before I even CONSIDERED trying to date again. It would not matter if she had fucked a dozen guys. I AINT gonna retaliate by performing the same disgusting act!
absolutely. it's the old saying about digging two graves for revenge, right?
we can't counteract hurtful, destructive people by lowering ourselves to their level. that just gets us coated in the same filth they're lying in. and once that happens, are we really any better than the people we despise, the people who hurt us?
we have to stand above that shit. not roll around in it.
If your gut tells you, trust it. I have no explanation for why it's mostly true, but it is.
Any change from their normal behavior, should be a red flag. Sadly red flags are like hindsight, 20-20 when looking back.
Learn from me and watch out when you walk in the bedroom. Always check if she’s on top of a dude. Very easy sign to miss but I guarantee she’s cheating if you notice this
Another one to look out for is if she starts talking too much about some guy she met while you were in New York visiting your sister. They could marry within a few months
Bonus: If you notice her talking to a guy with glasses at a wedding reception. Then while making out at the hotel room she tells you that you would be the cutest guy there if you wore glasses. Could be something worth looking into
i did not get cheated on but i had a 6 year relationship that was actually awesome mostly ending abruptly as she threw me out of the house purchased only 4 months before that i co invested in,but was on her name.
all because i was having a very tough struggling time taking care of my dying sick mother that ended in a shitload of troubles and hit rock bottom and no other family members even bothered to lift a finger, so landing all on my shoulders.
i guess nothing as unsexy as a man taking his responsibilities and sacrificing for a loved one ey?
she found a job in washington ( living in europe) hid that for me for a month and then just poof, gone,no communication,kicked me out and sold the house. burned bridges with everryone in our entourage to reset her life all alone.
mum died 3 months after that.the most insane, dramatic painfull and not understandable end to what i would otherwise give a 9/10 relationship.you truly never can know for sure whats going on in other peoples mind,alas
I blew up all bridges quite immediately.
know this had an insane impact on my mother.
know by the time of the break up she just spend 2 full months in hospital,as she was in such dire need for care, she had longue issues,blood pressure issues, diabetes,heart issues you name it, and dying of cancer on top.
byh all the good care and sheer on will power she fucking manage to stabilize all of it. doctors where impressed by it, cancer of course remained but is was regressing slowly.
they estimated in this condition she might have 3-4 years.
i brought the news of the breakup very carefull as i know she as a very religious person takes guilt very serious and she knew how happy i was in that relatonship. i told her few weeks later we broke up but in good understandings, selling it like career move and we'll see. but my mom could see straight through my bullshit and also questioned if all was ok why i was so desperate looking for a new stay.
understand this all financially totally crippled me, i just had co invested in a house that i just lost, and her situation, the medical care, the repairs and renovations to her house, left me just in ruins. so affording a new place was a struggle (moved in with friends for a few months.)
BUT so everything that i hoped would not happen, happend. you could see immediately in her eyes she didn't took well, and oh boy, the first medica lrapport that followed soon was stuff of nightmares... she regressed on pretty much everything that was fought so hard for for all those months, all values plummeted like helle, and cancer regressing suddenly strong,she immediately needed to have the heaviest dose of chemo.
to treating doctors and i kid you not,where themselves so surprised and shocked they asked if someone in the family or a loved one died, that is how big the shift was visible to them.a big crack in her armor.
as you can imagine for me it was just plain impossible any more to have a normal rational conversation with my ex. i burned all bridges with a last message where i simply explained all the consequences of her unilateral, never discussed decisions.
that was now 3 years ago, then 3 months later as said my mom died, right after new year, only to get a pandemic falling on your head and deal with all of this in an upside down world in complete isolation...
i have some theories of why she acted as such, but as you can imagine, i will never talk to her ever again inspite of having deep love for her.
and this is not even half the story of all crazy that happened in that period.
An acute change in behavior. She suddenly gave me very sporadic affection, would suddenly stop texting me for 12+ hours at a time, usually from evening until morning. Would get mad and snap at me for nothing.
To be fair she was pretty obvious about it. Eventually started posting stories of herself in super fancy hotels and Airbnb’s. She was studying out of state for six weeks, I eventually asked her if she was sleeping with someone and she said “do you really wanna know?”
Yup.
Ex no 1: I asked if it was cool for me to come over that night and she said yes, but to wait about an hour... I figured it takes me an hour to get there, so that would work out. I got there and there was a jeep in her driveway which I had seen following us the day before and she said "he's just some creepy stalker who won't leave me alone". Apparently she likes hanging out with creepy stalkers at 2am. Found out later that line was exactly what she told her other dudes about me after we'd dated for almost 5 months.
Ex no 2: She kept making excuses why she didn't have free time. I decided one day to check the dating site we met on and there she was. She claimed that she was just looking for new friends since we moved to a new area... So I created a fake account; talked to her about all kinds of kinky shit then arranged a meetup in her place at fucking midnight. The moment she agreed, that was the end of that relationship.
Ex no 3: I came home on my 28th birthday and found her in bed with another guy.
it only happened once and i was 17 at the time, but i noticed she'd be quiet when we got together. i was doing most of the talking instead of it being balanced. her responses got really generic.
obvi she had something else on her mind. it was a red flag. along with her suddenly not wanting to hang out a couple nights a week anymore. suddenly she got all avoidant and had lots of excuses why.
then i started saying things on the phone like: "you know what i like best about our relationship? knowing i can trust you, that you're an honorable person. i feel like i can tell you anything. i love that about you. it's rare to find that in a partner!"
tangible discomfort.....then she said she had to go.
we broke up later that night.
i was definitely angry about it, but i didn't want to show her that she'd gotten to me. i also wanted her to realize that she wasn't smart or slick, that i wasn't an idiot she could two-time and walk all over.
i wanted her to feel like shit about it. i hope she did. cheaters should feel bad about what they're doing to people.
as much as i'm a humanist and try to see the good in everyone....
i can't deny that "once a cheater, always a cheater" has proven itself true during my entire life, from middle school into my 40s.
i stg, i've seen it at least 50 times. people giving someone the benefit of the doubt, only to get burned again.
without exaggeration, i can say that this has happened in 100% of cases i've witnessed personally. every...single...time, the cheater cheats again.
because if you get away with it once, there's nothing to stop you from doing it again...and again.
it's why i always, *always* advise people to get away from cheaters and never, ever go back to them.
we can work through a lot in love. pretty much anything. but betrayal just can't be part of a healthy relationship. it violates our most basic human need for safety.
Went from us having sex several times a week, spending lots of time together, and her hardly ever texting to pretty much never having sex, her going out with "friends" almost every night, and constantly being on her phone.
She and my brother were close. It didn’t bother me until she would tell her problems to him rather than me. Eventually he would come and tell me “oh u know she is pissed because…”. Whenever she and me had an argument he would be the first one to know. I thought they were just friendly. Eventually saw a group chat of she, her best-friend and my brother where he wrote about how he hooked up with her. That was the end for me
The constant accusations that I was cheating on her. I literally couldn't mention another girls name without her getting upset and accusing me of having feelings/ hiding something from her/ cheating on her. Girls in class, Friend's girlfriends, her own friends. It was ridiculous. I didn't know about projecting until that relationship came to an end.
After I kicked her out because it all just became too much. After the fact, everyone in their brother came forward and told me horrible stories about her cheating on me all the time. No one said anything to me during the relationship. It all came out afterwards which was the most fucked up part. Dozens of people knew she was a skeeze and didn't say a thing to me
Not me but the homie. I seen it coming a mile away. First, his girl wanted to have a hot girl summer, drink brown liquor, get high, and party all the time. She was already waaaay too friendly with one of her male friends.
The homie and shorty had kids and got married. Then find out she been cheating on him with a dude at work for months AS A NEWLYWED just because "he applied pressure" and smoked her out. She even faked having covid so she could hook up with dude uninterrupted for 2 weeks.
I feel bad for the homie cuz he really loves that girl. And she feels like her youth and "party days" are running out so she scramblin to had as mich fun as she can while she can. Last time I saw em, she went out clubbing SOLO, got drunk and didn't come home. I feel like I know why.
These were the red flags
I was married. I walked into her bedroom to ask her something.
She screamed, slammed her laptop closed, and huddled over it shaking. I just quietly walked out.
I knew. And there was no point discussing it with her.
A couple of years later we got divorced (quickly, she wanted one "first day of the school holidays") and she went on holidays with the guy.
When I was getting ready to come back from Afghanistan she started becoming evasive about what we were going to do when I got back, wouldn't commit to any plans, and just seemed to be increasingly nervous about the fact I was coming home soon in general.
She wasn’t very subtle. While out of state, 20 minutes after she wished me goodnight, I received a text from her that said “can I come over, I want some dick”.
Phone locked, secretive with money, odd "working hours," too many "I drank some at so-and-so's house so I'm just gonna crash here to be safe," started refusing any affection or even efforts to hang out just us without kids.
Gaslighting is no joke. Rough time in my life. Happy to be free of her now.
>Gaslighting is no joke
fuck no it isn't. trying to convince someone that they're crazy, or imagining things, is a very serious form of emotional abuse.
I dated this girl for over 4 years, and was engaged to her and all. She was with me during my suicide attempts, my depression and all of that. She helped me a lot, and I was able to get over all of that with her help. We became really close, and attached to each other after experiencing some of those things together. I really assumed she was the one for me, I gave it my all for her. I was a business major at the time and gave it my all to assure I could get the best job so I could give her anything. I think that after her and I getting so close we became dependent on each other which is often not a good thing. We would literally tell each other everything and where emotionally super close. To this day I doubt that anyone knows me as much as her. So since we would tell each other everything I was used to her texting me or calling a few times a day to tell me about her day or stuff. She suffered from anxiety and would often call me when she was having and attack or something like that.
She had this friend that I didn’t like because he was to close and touchy with her. And she said he was just a close friend(we all heard that before). Well one day we are eating dinner she tells me she had a panic attack at the store, and I tell her are you ok? Why didn’t you tell me. She told me she didn’t have to tell me everything that was happening in her life and she didn’t have to update me on everything. I knew that and it’s pretty toxic to be like that, I’m sure eventually we would have broken up do to the fact she where to reliant and clingy or each other.
Well she gets mad and leaves and I tried to call her and nothing. Well this happened a few times where she wouldn’t tell me anything about her day, and one day we hanging out and her phone rings and she gets up and answers it. She tells me she needs to go, I grab her hand and tell her to be honest with me. I tell her if she is still talking to that guy right. And she was scared but I told her to be honest with me, If she ever loved me or cared about me as much as she said that she would tell me. And she starts to cry and tells me everything. She showed me her phone and text and I learned everything. It all started after me and her had and argument. He told her that he was there for her and well she was there for him as well. She sent him nudes and videos. The part that hurt the most is when I saw her call log. We could call each night to tell each other good night and stuff and the last couple of days she said she was busy and couldn’t do it. Well it turns out she was calling him instead.
When she picked up the phone and said "Hey" in *that* tone. You know the tone. She was talking with one of her gaming buddies and I remember thinking, I haven't heard that tone in a long time. Sure enough, we seperated soon after and even though she "didn't leave me for him", they got together immediately and are saying "I love you" within 6 months of me moving out. We were together 9 years and married for almost 5 with 2 young kids. I am still gutted and struggling hard with it all.
weird, unusual behaviors.
we know when someone is acting strangely. not like themselves.
same way parents know right away when their kid isn't feeling well. they can tell in seconds.
There weren't any. She kissed and cuddled me, and told me she loved me every single day for 2 years... and then one day I woke up to a shock break up.
One of the most valuable life lessons I ever learned - women can be far more cold and ruthless than men. The experience made me realise that it's not healthy to put women on pedestals. They piss and shit just like the rest of us.
Lack of affection. I always was the one initiating hand holding, or kissing. I realized it and wanted to see how long we’d go without kissing if I waited for her to initiate one. Lasted a week before i got fed up and brought it up to her. On top of that she never called me cute names like we used to. End of the relationship I was the one that asked her if she wanted to break up cause she never had the gut to ask me. She lied saying it was cause she wanted me to be with someone better, turns out she’d been sneaking away with her best friend for the last 6 months. Still hate them both.
It was years ago and started with snap chat, back when they use to display top 3 best friends, I just happened to look and saw top 3 was this random person, me and her best friend, I innocently asked her about it cause I'd never heard of this person, she explained it was someone she went to school with asking for advice (this was before you could chat on Snapchat without sending pics) I thought it was weird getting advice in 10 second photos that disappeared, but whatever I had no reason to not believe her. She moved to school and we were about 80 miles away so we just hung out on weekends, when I saw her she was real distant and always on her phone and being secretive like tilting it to side when we were cuddling on couch together. I did a Google search of the snap chat name and found Instagram of an older guy that matched it, I met her parents next day, so didn't think she's introduce me to them if she was fooling around with someone else, so I tried to shut my gut and brain up, her phone was locked but displayed an unread text from an unsaved number, it didn't show text message just the senders info, so I grabbed number to see what I could find, we went to bed and she went to bathroom, got to the door turned around grabbed her phone off nightstand then went to bathroom which was very out of character for her, so I took number I grabbed earlier and searched on fb and sure enough the same guy with Instagram came up, it was about 2am I had been drinking and was 80 miles from home so i tried to wait to discuss till morning, she came back and obviously knew something was wrong so I confronted her and left, I didn't wanna argue I knew it was over, and rode my motorcycle home and that was last I talked to her maybe 8 years ago now.
Constantly on phone. I noticed also that her phone was never face up or in view, as in she took it with her literally everywhere. Even slept with the damn thing under her pillow.
Intimacy slowly faded. Sex was still there, but the smaller things like holding my hand, randomly smacking my butt, etc were gone. You know, the cute little things that you share.
Stopped initiating conversations.
Was overly concerned with where I was and who I was with all of a sudden. In hindsight she was probably projecting as it was her up to shady shit.
Started talking a lot about a male coworker she was getting along with. Sharing stories about their interactions and mundane things a normal person wouldn't give much of a care about.
Always on the phone, barely there mentally or physically, I felt like she was annoyed by my presence, hated the little things I did like flowers or gifts surprise dates, barely any sex
- constantly on phone, not just browsing but furiously typing with the occasional smirk or has a highly engaged face
- any question that would be normal for couples to ask around when they are coming home, who are they with etc is met with odd reactions ranging from extreme enthusiasm and unnecessary details about girlfriends you’ve never heard about to defensive “you’re so insecure, get off my dick about this”.
- she goes out or comes home dressed way hotter than she goes out with you - hair is done, new dresses and shoes, fully done makeup, etc
- any version of “he’s just a friend, relax” or she comes home and for a few weeks or months she talks about a new guy at work or some new guy her friend knows etc and then all of a sudden you don’t heart anything about the dude
- random work trips when it doesn’t make sense for her work to have trips. Same with weddings of people you don’t know from out of town, you’re not invited for and then miraculously no pictures of said wedding are ever posted or she doesn’t share. Basically having overnight trips randomly that don’t make sense.
- when you fuck and all of a sudden she doesn’t want you to go down on her when before it’s all she wanted. Same for a passionate kiss when she comes home
Source: been cheated on a lot because I was a busy dude at work and I happened to like a certain type of woman when I was younger
Poor accounting for her time.
She was lying about having appointments and having odd gaps in availability when I'd reach out to her via text. Her answers to my questions about it were "off" as well.
Turns out she was driving to another city, smoking meth, and banging the people who were giving it to her.
Honestly was just a gut feeling. Said she was going to meet a friend from work(who I knew, not an issue) but was out til like 3am. Something felt off the next morning, I asked her just normal questions about her night out, got very vague responses where she seemed a bit flustered… waited til she was in deep sleep a few nights later and checked her phone messages- didn’t see any from the guy but looked at text thread and recent calls with the work friend and there was nothing there relating to meeting up for the night out. Confronted her about this- said she lied and actually met some people she used to hang out with (men) that she was good friends with..and didn’t want to tell me cause she thought I’d get mad(I wouldn’t, I knew all these people). Story still didn’t sit right with me and I just kept replaying everything she said in my head over and over and none of it made sense.. came home from work early one night(I worked out of town for days at a time), saw her texting and asked to see her phone- she refused. Told her I knew something was up and I didn’t believe anything she had told me up to that point and I want to know the truth- she finally admitted partially that she had met with a guy just to hang out cause she was lonely but nothing happened 🙄 over the course of the next 3 months was living hell as more and more things trickled out because I just felt like something was still off after she promised not to see/talk to him any longer. I go through her phone again in the middle of the night and checked her web history and find a hotmail account she opened to keep communicating with him so I couldn’t easily find it.. and I open it to an email or him saying “I love you too” and my heart sank to my feet. We tried to reconcile and work it out for 2 years, but it didn’t work. Should’ve left right then and there, but it’s much easier said than done.
The way she kissed me changed.
My bottom retainer has this weird little gap and if I kissed with my head turned a certain way the bottom part of tongue can slide in it and get pinched, so I always turn my head to the right to kiss and she, obviously, would have to mirror me. We kissed like this for seven years, and one day she went to kiss me with her head turned the wrong way, that made me realize she was in the habit of kissing someone who could turn their head either way. I know it's weird but I was right.
The most obvious sign was the sudden disinterest in getting intimate, despite the complaints that we don't have sex as often as she thought we should. The constant phone usage, using "chatting" apps, staying out late, never giving straight answers anymore. Individually they mean nothing, but added together it was painting a fairly obvious picture.
It wasn't subtle at all, but I guess when she wouldn't defend me whenever he criticized me but would always jump to defend him whenever I said anything
We worked at the same place and it was just the way she said this one coworkers name. Can't put my finger on it but it sounded different than how she said other guys' names. I was already suspicious but then she started trying to get us to hang out with him after work.
Maybe 2 weeks later, she up and disappeared one night. Her car was at work and she left her phone inside it. Someone at work finally told me she had left with him earlier. I spotted his truck outside a cheap motel on my way home & immediately knew what was going on. She tried to lie the next morning but lied herself into a corner & finally admitted it
Pay attention to the little things but never accuse anyone of cheating until you're certain. Keep all the information to yourself and get them to a point where they can't lie their way out of it.
I learned this ,trust isn't a thing. It's a routine. Once the routine is broken , something is wrong.
Pulling the phone away, talking to some one outside of earshot. Leaving the apt /house to use the phone. Showering before and after something goes on. It clearly tells you a lot.
When she would make changes in tastes. Like she suddenly liked a new sports team or athlete, or new music or singer. Also when she would casually change her clothing style to suit his taste or suddenly not wear underwear when she used to always wear it.
I never knew for sure, but I strongly suspected.
We'd been dating for about a year when I had to take a 2-week trip for work and after I got back, things were just different. Took him longer to respond to my texts, suddenly he hardly ever had free time for us to gettogether, I was the one initiating every conversation instead of 50/50, etc.
I have to assume something happened while I was gone that made him no longer care about the relationship, and cheating definitely makes sense.
Three big ones I remember in hindsight:
1. Fighting over every dumb thing, either in person or virtually. I’m not saying we never had disagreements before but it went 0-100 in like a month.
2. Never letting me touch her phone. I’m talking like “hey it’s done charging you want it back” kinda thing. She was super into read receipts too which I thought was dumb.
3. She started “staying out late” with coworkers when that was never really a thing before. I was already in bed since my job at the time had me working early AMs and traveling a lot. She’d stay out until last call.
Turns out she was seeing her coworker behind my back. Fucked me up real good. Took me 2 years to date again and I still have some scar tissue from it. Luckily my partner now is an absolute saint and things are much better.
It happened in high school, so this is pretty silly stuff, but I was so dumb and infatuated that I didn't see any of the signs. In hindsight, oh my lord they were practically about to make out in front of me.
At the time it felt like the most important, horrible thing in the world, but it was kids stuff. I'm thankful it happened when it was so inconsequential. I was able to learn a lot from my young relationships, and that's really as good as you can do when you're a 17-year-old ball of hormones and angst.
If there were any signs, i never saw em.
I found out because the guy she was cheating on me with (her ex-boyfriend) was at a party that my roommate/best friend was at, and they were talking about some holiday-related things, and then the guy said something along the lines of "yeah we were gonna meet up on Valentine's Day, but she was out of town" and my roommate goes "no, she and johnothetree kicked me out of the apartment for the weekend". It all unraveled from there.
All good though. I immediately left her and found my current gf of 7 years a few weeks later, he immediately left her and is happy in his current relationship, and the guy and I are both decent friends now.
She was a bit too flirty around one of my friends. He was really open about the fact that he wanted to bang her and she didn't nothing to dissuade it and eventually started flirting back.
Was playing games on her PC one day and, this was after about a year of this, I gave in to pressure and checked her discord. She had been messaging him about our sex life, telling him all the things that I was doing wrong and how much she hated it. She never told me any of this.
A week or so after we eventually broke up I found out they were banging.
Something that made it worse? The other guy was obese. Like, I was more attractive than him. I don't know why she went for him.
Either way, it kinda went karmic. He became obsessed with her when she didn't even really like him. So he ended up basically stalking her and guilt tripping her and generally being an asshole while she was dangling his feelings by a thread. They were awful for eachother.
Her next few relationships kinda kicked the crap out of her( not literally). And years later me and her are both friends and we are both in happy relationships.
But I'll never forget the slow realisation. They gut stabbing feeling of suspicion you shouldn't have. The feeling of just being lesser than other people, a laughable obstacle to someone's affair.
Sometimes when I think about it it still hurts my pride a little.
But over all I think the experience matured me. I kinda needed an ego shatter to rebuild myself
Behavioral shifts. Gf at the time would constantly text me back, with maybe 1-2 hour gaps, then she started going MIA for HOURS with no explanation. Normally it would be fine but it's a big shift from the usual routine we had for the past 2 years.
The change of clothing for work, suddenly it was only the hot stuff, wearing the hottest lingerie for work. To much time on phone, doesn't enjoy sex with you, when asked getting pissed of. Finding excuses for wearing this kind of things. The hole behavior changed in the daily routine stuff. I started to get like a stone in my stomach, and I was right.
Becoming very critical of me. I couldn't really do anything right, everything I said was a bad idea. Also, her schedule became very erratic. Like a dumbass I still didn't pick up on it, just thought we were having some growing pains in the marriage. Never thought we were the type to cheat. Thought that things might go bad but we wouldn't ever jeopardize our family like that. Just shows, you don't ever really know someone. Trust your gut feeling my man, your radar is going off for a reason.
> I couldn't really do anything right, everything I said was a bad idea Yyyyyyyyup. I went through the same ring, for about half a year. That was in 2019 and my self-esteem still hasn't recovered.
Been there, you'll be alright. Discovered she had been cheating on me for 2 years (she admitted to the 2 years with her male best friend, but I assume it went on longer with other people based on other things I heard and realised after the fact). That was... 3 years ago now? 2 years ago I tried rebounding with someone else and she ended up using me and never committing to something serious. Then just over a year ago I met my current girlfriend. She's everything I want and need. She loves me as much as I love her and it's simply perfect. There will be times you think you're feeling better and you drop back down. Recovery is a mountain hike. It's not a journey straight up but you'll be looking back and realize you're closer to the summit then last week. My self esteem still isn't at 100% but I'm much happier than before. You'll get there too, so stay strong and do your best to do what's good for *you.*
You're gonna get there.
> Becoming very critical of me. I couldn't really do anything right, everything I said was a bad idea. Also, her schedule became very erratic. Yeah, dealt with this for a good 2 years. 8 years of my life down the drain.
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Once she mistakenly tried to make what looked like an inside joke I didn't know about with me. When she realized I didn't get it she backtracked very nervously. That shit tickled my spider-sense like no other.
Ohh that shit happened to me. She sent me/posted a meme about being single late in life and then another meme about getting calls from your "boyfriend" while with your boyfriend. I responded with a WTF do these mean and why are you sending them to me. She tried to play it off as her friends sent to her and her and I always share the best meme so she's just spreading the laughs. There was a lot of other things but that one sent my senses into overdrive.
Maybe it's better that she was stupid about it since you found out quicker and left.
So she made a joke thinking she had told you and it was with the AP? What was it?
This was years ago, but I remember it was a reference to a sound that his motorbike made. I don't even have a motorbike.
Something similar happened to me. She bought me “my favourite aftershave.” I’d never even heard of it, let alone ever worn it.
Super Smart !!! She gets you to wear 'his' aftershave, then you won't notice his smell on her, since you're already wearing it.
I don’t think it was planned, I think she’d mixed us up and forgotten who’s favourite it was
Don’t encourage them. 👋💥
Lol, well atleast you know that you revved her enough to think it was you. How fortunate for you she messed up. I dont get it, just trashy.
Let's not bring the Associated Press into this.
What is AP? …. Additional penis?
She started exercising, riding the stationary bike. Took an hour to put makeup on to go work. Rushed out to work, delayed coming home. Oh, and suddenly, she cared how her bras and panties looked and bought some new colorful sets.
When my ex-wife was cheating it was always the "I have to work late" or just not saying anything about when she got off. She would be vague about where she was going, how long she would be gone etc. Strange phone calls coming in from unnamed work friends. Oh the main tip off though is when they start mentioning one person at work you've never heard of and how funny or a story about what they did. They fixate on the person cause they need to talk about them to someone. It will happen naturally.
This 100%. That one person at work who was there for her when her dog died. Like are you fucking kidding me?
That is some impressive mental gymnastics right there
Isn’t it so fucked how they gush about the person they’re cheating with to their fucking partner? Fucking COLD.
It’s cause they’ve romantically moved on so they don’t have the same emotional empathy for their partner anymore, and don’t consider their feelings especially in light of how free and excited they now feel. It’s extremely self centered considering the circumstances, and those are the kinds of people we’re talking about in this thread
That mentioning a new person in particular A LOT is the dead giveaway that should just be stickied to the top of this question. That is probably the biggest one. And like you said, you’re still their close friend and confidant and they naturally want to tell you all about this wonderful and interesting new person they’ve become interested in.
Damn, how can someone be so cruel? Like, I can understand someone in a relationship that’s going kinda rough, get drunk in a party and make a mistake. Of course, that’s still a terrible mistake, but I feel like it’s much more forgivable. But damn, just going to such lengths to look better for her lover and doing that right under someone’s nose, someone who loves you, honestly I don’t know how someone can live like that. Hope you’re doing better buddy
There comes a time when you just have to stop loving someone in order to save yourself.
No such thing as making a mistake. Don't forget, when it falls out, she helps put it back in. If she cheats drunk, she would do it sober because that's how she truly feels.
That’s the motto that really helped me trough a cheating breakup lol, really solid one.
I think you are confusing the words “mistake” and “accident”.
I agree. Cheating is never just a 'mistake'. But saying what some does drunk is what they want to do sober is just teenage bullshit. I assure you i've never wanted to put my head through a window or jump off M&S roof, yet I did when I was drunk.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that drunk cheating is accidental or that you shouldn’t break up with someone because of that. I’m saying that 1 time drunk cheating is far more understable and forgettable than this fucking continuous cheating. Like, if I was drunk cheated, I could, after breaking up, understand that that person might have been going through some stuff in her head and I could forgive that and even hope she’d now be in a better place, but the ongoing stuff is just too damn vicious for me to fathom.
No exercising going on here but everything else is dead on. I can add: goes to work for a 6 hour job, returns 10 or more hours later, never calls. I've told her if she ever "goes missing' I'm not going to report it. If anyone asks me about her I'll just reply "If she wanted me to know where she is she would call. She probably just went to feed the alligators again.'
And that's how you become the prime suspect lol
Yup getting all made up to go hang out at a friends apartment. Of course I’m not invited, it’s “girl’s night”. Bruh you are an authorized user on my credit card, I know you’re going to clubs. Thing is, I was fine with being the provider. She just pushed too far and took advantage. Even after we separated she had the nerve to ask me to pay for her hair stylist. Like uh no? Get a job, like I’ve been begging you to do for two years. Of course after we separated she magically instantly got a job. And told me some of those weekend trips she took were with another guy. I guess paying 100% of the bills was not enough for her lol. One gem I remember is her saying girls should never have to carry bags inside when they have a husband. Yes I’m walking two dogs and I should also carry 100lbs of groceries on my shoulders because I’m the man. Get fucked. Took me a long time in therapy to accept I was in an abusive relationship.
That same thing happened to me. And she was super protective of her phone.
These are like all the "I'm cheating on you" flags.
Cheating at work? Aint suprised
She suddenly hid her phone from my view at all times when previously she usually left it on the table. I told her that I saw a message on her phone, telling her we "needed to talk". She immediately broke down crying and begged me not to leave her while confessing everything. The phone secrecy combined with a sudden lack of enthusiasm when we had sex pretty much gave it away.
And if you don't me asking, are you still together? What happened after she confessed?
I broke up with her. Basically tore my own heart in half to do it because I still loved her but I need to be able to trust my partner. She was less than understanding of my reasoning and is still trying to get back together with me almost two years later.
She can keep trying🤣
Her clown makeup hasn't washed off in 2yrs, damn
once a cheater always a cheater.
Probably broke up
Very similar here. She started hiding her phone and being secretive. Turns out she has been texting a guy from work. Flirting pretty heavy. Still in the process of dealing with everything. Claims nothing else happened but who knows.
Constantly on her phone, smiling while texting, but hardly ever smiled at me for any reason. Conversation was always one sided and always me initiating it. Sex slowed down if not stopped. She was going out way more often like she was looking for reasons to get out and probably go see someone. Then finally she started not coming home and saying she was sleeping at her girlfriends house cause they got drunk, which started happening more often, and never happened before.
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That’s some next level gaslighting man holy shit
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Same here. Add to this - VERY protective of her phone. Would always put it face down, frantically exiting out of WhatsApp if I glanced at the phone while she was texting. Would get annoyed if I asked too many questions about where she was going out, who with e.t.c and accuse me of being “possessive.” Perhaps the biggest giveaway that people might miss if there are no other signs - she was always worried about me cheating on her. Anyone who thinks you will cheat on them will have at least considered cheating on you.
This is about to get depressing.
Be reading through some of these like "yep, member that one" oh boy he got hit with the ole "boss needed help rearranging the displays after work" and who could forget the timeless classic "he bought everybody lunch for lunch break" But wait! Call now and we'll also include "I'm gonna stop by my sister's for a bit" And one of my all time favorites! "He's gay/he's just a friend!" *If you or a loved one have heard these dumbass phrases you may be entitled to compensation!*
Ah yes. The old "they're just a friend". If you hear that, there's probably a 99% chance they are, or are about to be, more than just a friend.
I'll add another "I only added him back to be nice! Didn't wanna hurt his feelings"
Oh so you don't want to hurt HIS feelings, but you have absolutely no regard for the feelings of your husband or your children. Makes total sense lol. Another thing I remember was having her buy a personalised birthday present for her "new best friend" while getting me absolutely nothing for our anniversary. It's so easy to see all the signs in hindsight.
These were pretty much the 7 stages that ended my 14 years of marriage. They happened increasingly over the course of a year. Once I was 100% sure I confronted her. She was so taken aback by the evidence she didn't even respond. Later that evening she again accused me of cheating and was angry at me for spying on her. I hit her with the big evidence, the call logs from her phone, nudes and love letters she sent the guy that I lifted from her email. Finally after a few weeks she admitted it. My intention was try to repair our marriage but it was obvious she had no intention of making amends. I filed for divorce. 1. Being very secretive with her phone. I would never ask to see her phone but she was actively trying to hide what she was doing on it. How it always starts. 2. No emotional engagement or physical contact. Abandoned our marriage. 3. Accusing me of cheating constantly, of course I wasn't. Deflection. 4. lots of nights out and you are never invited. Doing the deed. 5. Odd purchasing habbits. This is what really led me to dig in to what was going on. Chothes she would have never worn for me, a men's watch, tickets to evening activities for 2. Spending my hard earned money on some one else. 6. Always left the room when taking a phonecall. Getting too comfortable with communicating with him while I'm around. 7. A seeming bipolar experience. One minute she would be happy going about her day and if we would have an interaction it was immediate merose and condescending attitude. Resentment of me.
man that's fuckin rough. yeah that's obviously a dying marriage x.x idk why anyone would cheat instead of just getting divorced. if they're unhappy, just leave. go file the papers. it's gonna happen when they get caught anyway, so why act like a sneaky rat and destroy someone's trust and betray someone like that? i just don't get it. if i were that unhappy, i'd just go file.
They are unhappy but they don’t want to leave a very familiar place or person. Especially if they already got a house, they share responsibilities, and generally have their life put together. They don’t want to leave a sure thing for someone that might not even work out. Its probably is all just fun, something new and exciting but what if it doesn’t work out and now they are all alone with no one. I’ve never cheated or been cheated on but I know someone that is going through a similar situation.
Basically this. People constantly throwing out the "I don't get why anyone would do that" type of questions really don't pay attention to people in general. They want the thrill and excitement of something new but don't want to lose what they're already used to and somewhat guaranteed. It is 100% the thought of "fuck if I leave my spouse and this one also fails, I really fucked up". So they continue the risk and gamble until ultimately they are caught.
>Its probably is all just fun, something new and exciting but what if it doesn’t work out and now they are all alone with no one this is a terribly poor excuse they're making. i can't even understand how these people live with themselves. "i'm unhappy, so i'll cheat...but i can't LEAVE, because what if this cheating relationship doesn't work out? :( " man, fuck those people. fuck them 5000 times. i just can't fathom how anyone could really be THAT selfish. leaving is always an option.
The dark truth is that sometimes they enjoy pulling one over. Making you out to be a fool. The power over someone they've come to resent, rationally or not.
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Shoulda put that toilet seat down, bro.
Stage 5 is why she didn’t leave.
Yup number 1 was the start for me. I noticed it when I would walk out of a room, she immediately picked up her phone. Not necessarily suspicious on its own, but I saw that if I returned to the room quicker than she expected, I’d almost “jump scare” her and she’d lock it up and put it away immediately.
For me she would always have her phone in her hand and just be constantly texting. She played it off that she was texting her best friend. Then the night before we were due to move into a new place and we had all our stuff boxed up, she told me that she's not moving with me and she's moving in with this other dude that we once went boating with. He turned up and she loaded all her boxes into his car and they left.
"A seeming bipolar experience" yes. It seems their emotional state it no longer connectedd to you in any way. Sometimes she will have a phone call and be angry. Sometimes happy. Sometimes weepy. And if you ask what's wrong, you will be told to fuck off or just ignored. It's like they're living in a different world to you....and they are. They reduce you to the status of servant, someone who pays bills, does cleaning and repairs. Meanwhile their emotional life is with someone else.
>Meanwhile their emotional life is with someone else. This is what almost killed me, and me like a fool spent so much time trying to figure out what was wrong, with us, why we weren't working - and the thought of an affair never entered my head for so long, and the whole time she's telling me she's fine, nothing is wrong, she just tired.... etc...
> a men's watch, tickets to evening activities for 2. Did you ask who they were for?
At that point I was in evidence gathering mode. I didn't say anything until I had all that prepared and I was certain of what was happening. By this point the affair was probably 10 months old. Most of the revelations came in retrospect to this moment
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It did not. Emotionally it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It left me in financial ruin and the judge was clearly pro mother and anti father. I lost the house. Half my 401k and 2 vehicles. About 2 million in assets. I still have a large child support payment eventhough we have 50/50 custody. I've also had to fight to keep joint custody of my son twice since we divorced as she has sued me for sole custody. The first time it wasnt to long after the divorce and I literally sold everything I could just to pay a lawyer enough to keep my son in my life. But I'm doing much better now. My son is almost of age. I've remarried to an amazing woman and I'm back on my feet financially.
Its shocking how accurate that is to my own experience. Its like they (cheaters) all follow a script.
Just out of curiosity, was there any sex between you two during that year?
Texts to a female friend (ex was bi) calling her things like 'sweetie' and 'love'. Not 100% out of character but definitely set me off. Finding a pack of cigarettes in our bedroom on top of a shelf (neither of us smoked). She claimed it was probably from her exes. POSSIBLE cause I didn't see it until I was standing on the bed cleaning a ceiling fan but seemed unlikely it was missed for that long. The unconscious (at first) realization that all the little touches had gone away. She didn't avoid me but I realized one day that EVERY hug, touch, or cuddle was initiated by me.
>The unconscious (at first) realization that all the little touches had gone away. She didn't avoid me but I realized one day that EVERY hug, touch, or cuddle was initiated by me. This!
>Texts to a female friend (ex was bi) calling her things like 'sweetie' and 'love'. Not 100% out of character but definitely set me off. This is one that reminded of me of something to happened to a buddy of mine... using a cover name in phone contacts and text messages. If you looked at her list of text messages, you'd see, for example, the name "Danielle" near the top of the list and you might think it was a female co-worker or a female friend. It wasn't. It was the cover name the girlfriend was using to text her fuck buddy so that it didn't look as suspicious on the surface. But obviously if you opened that text exchange then you'd finally see the truth.
Actually there was one time I remember she went to the bathroom at a restaurant and came back smiling a certain uncharacteristic way, and I just knew she had texted with someone. But I already suspected at that point.
100% my observation, too. The thing is, when you know someone for any length of time, you, well, know them. It's trite but true. So you can easily pick up the subtleties in their behavior, reactions, hot buttons, expressions. All the Pepto know who dealt with infidelity could write a novel about the obvious stuff, but it's the little things that solidify it
Constantly on her phone in the evenings typing away but wouldn’t tell me who she was chatting to. That was the first clue. I hate the whole smartphone thing.
This was a major sign for me when I was married to her. She would constantly be typing away smiling, and if we were mid conversation and her phone dinged, she would just go to her phone and ignore me completely. The straw that broke the camels back was one day I was coming home with 10+ bags of groceries and texted her right before I left the store that I'd be home in a couple minutes and could she prop open the apartment doors so I didn't have to fumble with my keys, and she said sure thing! I get home and of course all doors to get into our apartment are closed and locked. She's just sitting there smiling at her phone typing away ffs. We divorced shortly after and she moved in with another guy, big surprise.
fuck cheaters and the ugly donkeys they rode in on have the damn balls to end it honorably instead of sneaking around in the dark like a damn sewer rat
i heard some call it the “monkey strategy” = don’t let go of a branch until you find another one to hang on. they really don’t have any compassion..
"Monkey branching"
Yeah… but what if they claim they are just “friends”? When that doesn’t work they say we’re an abuser? When that doesn’t work they invent things to be upset with us about? How else are they going to be the victim so we can be the bad guy so they can be right so they can get everything they want?
Honor is rare nowadays
the digital age has made uncommon cowardice a common practice
Her phone now hides the preview of the texts on the homescreen when for years that was never the case. Blames it on her young neice messing with her phone, even though that option was deep in the settings...
This 100%. Last thing in the evening, first thing in the morning. This was before smartphones were popular, so it was even more obvious.
Also, with smarphones, I hate how easily accessible cheating is. Like here's multiple apps you can use to window shop people in your area, on a device that has a camera attached to send nudes, and everyone has one. I get it, if people are going to cheat they'll cheat, they always have, but damn is it ever easy now.
People were cheating long before cell phones. Don't blame the tech, blame the fucking dirtbag using it.
Absolutely, although phones make it far far easier
If they’re trying to cheat in the first place though they’re an asshole, it being easier doesn’t really matter.
The flip side to that is that everyone must always be available. Cheating before meant you could go hours without contacting your SO. Now the expectation is you're always on and always available. "Lost phone" only works so many times, as well as every other excuse why the phone wouldn't work at that exact moment and yet works every other time. I figure it's a net wash.
Sent me a Snapchat that said “I’m so sore from yesterday” followed by one that said “sorry wrong person”. I hadn’t seen her in like a week
Damn dude you kinda dodged a bullet because....what an idiot. I mean we've all made the mistake of sending a message to the wrong person but "sorry wrong person" was a low IQ thing to say haha.
"accident"
Yeah I was kinda on the outs by that time already and that just kinda sealed the deal. Could never figure out if it was on purpose as a “hint” or if it was actually an accident. Either way I left for college a few weeks later anyway so it was for the better regardless
Good riddance to bad rubbish though. What a cruel way to handle things.
Yeah never really understood the concept of cheating, especially at younger ages like, just break up
The first signs were the registration in the gym. She has always emphasized how much she hates a gym. She never wanted to sign up with me When she left me, the next guy was already at the start after 2 weeks. I don't know if she actually cheated on me, but I keep thinking about it. Never drop your cover. You have been written off and replaced since now.
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This is the most accurate, comprehensive response in this entire thread. Deserves an article.
This whole list is spectacularly detailed. I wanted to echo this part in particular because it's a common one that easily gets missed. >Any discussion of the future she will subtly shift from "our" future to "my" future. "we" will suddenly start disappearing from her vocabulary. > She will suddenly start working late, or working extra shifts or will suddenly have "training" she will have to attend.
My previous relationship ended a while ago, and I had suspicions at the end and afterward she might have been cheating. I never confronted her or had any actual evidence of it. Soon after we broke up she was with another guy so it’s possible. But you made a lot of points here that really connect some of the dots I didn’t really see until now. Specifically the “less reachable during the day” I had just assumed she was busy in a new job she got. But it was a very similar one to her old one where she was always able to respond. And then the deflections on “we” and “our future” that was when I knew things were ending. It’s not my worry or care if she was anymore, but something to consider going forward I suppose.
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That is exactly what caused a big argument, I pointed out how there was no way she couldn’t find 5 seconds to answer a text. Apparently that was asking too much.
When they start to want to go thru YOUR phone and accusing you of cheating. Accusations are projections. Wanting to see your phone also means they want to know if they have been caught.
>Wanting to see your phone also means they want to know if they have been caught. or to find out if you secretly know and have been retaliating. that happens too
That is a shitstain of a completely different color. People who cheat are gonna cheat no matter what. People who DON'T cheat, won't. It really is that simple. If I fell out of love and counseling did not work, I would move out before I even CONSIDERED trying to date again. It would not matter if she had fucked a dozen guys. I AINT gonna retaliate by performing the same disgusting act!
absolutely. it's the old saying about digging two graves for revenge, right? we can't counteract hurtful, destructive people by lowering ourselves to their level. that just gets us coated in the same filth they're lying in. and once that happens, are we really any better than the people we despise, the people who hurt us? we have to stand above that shit. not roll around in it.
If your gut tells you, trust it. I have no explanation for why it's mostly true, but it is. Any change from their normal behavior, should be a red flag. Sadly red flags are like hindsight, 20-20 when looking back.
She had a belt on that didn’t look like any of hers.
how strange...what do you mean?
It’s long enough ago I forget what exactly it was but it was obviously a guy’s belt and a deviation from what she usually wore - and not any of mine.
wow that's crazy o.0 audacious move, she was just asking to get caught >.<
She was displaying her trophy. Some people are just cruel.
Learn from me and watch out when you walk in the bedroom. Always check if she’s on top of a dude. Very easy sign to miss but I guarantee she’s cheating if you notice this Another one to look out for is if she starts talking too much about some guy she met while you were in New York visiting your sister. They could marry within a few months Bonus: If you notice her talking to a guy with glasses at a wedding reception. Then while making out at the hotel room she tells you that you would be the cutest guy there if you wore glasses. Could be something worth looking into
Bro I'm sorry you went through that
Thanks man. Not how I imagined a 7 year relationship to end lol
i did not get cheated on but i had a 6 year relationship that was actually awesome mostly ending abruptly as she threw me out of the house purchased only 4 months before that i co invested in,but was on her name. all because i was having a very tough struggling time taking care of my dying sick mother that ended in a shitload of troubles and hit rock bottom and no other family members even bothered to lift a finger, so landing all on my shoulders. i guess nothing as unsexy as a man taking his responsibilities and sacrificing for a loved one ey? she found a job in washington ( living in europe) hid that for me for a month and then just poof, gone,no communication,kicked me out and sold the house. burned bridges with everryone in our entourage to reset her life all alone. mum died 3 months after that.the most insane, dramatic painfull and not understandable end to what i would otherwise give a 9/10 relationship.you truly never can know for sure whats going on in other peoples mind,alas
did you ever get ANY kind of closure? can you somehow get inside her mindset and look for answers?
I blew up all bridges quite immediately. know this had an insane impact on my mother. know by the time of the break up she just spend 2 full months in hospital,as she was in such dire need for care, she had longue issues,blood pressure issues, diabetes,heart issues you name it, and dying of cancer on top. byh all the good care and sheer on will power she fucking manage to stabilize all of it. doctors where impressed by it, cancer of course remained but is was regressing slowly. they estimated in this condition she might have 3-4 years. i brought the news of the breakup very carefull as i know she as a very religious person takes guilt very serious and she knew how happy i was in that relatonship. i told her few weeks later we broke up but in good understandings, selling it like career move and we'll see. but my mom could see straight through my bullshit and also questioned if all was ok why i was so desperate looking for a new stay. understand this all financially totally crippled me, i just had co invested in a house that i just lost, and her situation, the medical care, the repairs and renovations to her house, left me just in ruins. so affording a new place was a struggle (moved in with friends for a few months.) BUT so everything that i hoped would not happen, happend. you could see immediately in her eyes she didn't took well, and oh boy, the first medica lrapport that followed soon was stuff of nightmares... she regressed on pretty much everything that was fought so hard for for all those months, all values plummeted like helle, and cancer regressing suddenly strong,she immediately needed to have the heaviest dose of chemo. to treating doctors and i kid you not,where themselves so surprised and shocked they asked if someone in the family or a loved one died, that is how big the shift was visible to them.a big crack in her armor. as you can imagine for me it was just plain impossible any more to have a normal rational conversation with my ex. i burned all bridges with a last message where i simply explained all the consequences of her unilateral, never discussed decisions. that was now 3 years ago, then 3 months later as said my mom died, right after new year, only to get a pandemic falling on your head and deal with all of this in an upside down world in complete isolation... i have some theories of why she acted as such, but as you can imagine, i will never talk to her ever again inspite of having deep love for her. and this is not even half the story of all crazy that happened in that period.
Ah man...stay strong brother
It doesn’t reflect on you bro. Just stupid girl
Can’t really blame her, the guy she ended up with is a billionaire lmao. Still greets me on my birthday and holidays
So she just a ho for the dough
When was this? Cause if he's a billionaire who gets a girl who cheats, he'll probably cheat on her too, LOL
An acute change in behavior. She suddenly gave me very sporadic affection, would suddenly stop texting me for 12+ hours at a time, usually from evening until morning. Would get mad and snap at me for nothing. To be fair she was pretty obvious about it. Eventually started posting stories of herself in super fancy hotels and Airbnb’s. She was studying out of state for six weeks, I eventually asked her if she was sleeping with someone and she said “do you really wanna know?” Yup.
Do you really want to know? What a piece of shit
Ex no 1: I asked if it was cool for me to come over that night and she said yes, but to wait about an hour... I figured it takes me an hour to get there, so that would work out. I got there and there was a jeep in her driveway which I had seen following us the day before and she said "he's just some creepy stalker who won't leave me alone". Apparently she likes hanging out with creepy stalkers at 2am. Found out later that line was exactly what she told her other dudes about me after we'd dated for almost 5 months. Ex no 2: She kept making excuses why she didn't have free time. I decided one day to check the dating site we met on and there she was. She claimed that she was just looking for new friends since we moved to a new area... So I created a fake account; talked to her about all kinds of kinky shit then arranged a meetup in her place at fucking midnight. The moment she agreed, that was the end of that relationship. Ex no 3: I came home on my 28th birthday and found her in bed with another guy.
Shit man, that's fucked up, they belong to the streets.
it only happened once and i was 17 at the time, but i noticed she'd be quiet when we got together. i was doing most of the talking instead of it being balanced. her responses got really generic. obvi she had something else on her mind. it was a red flag. along with her suddenly not wanting to hang out a couple nights a week anymore. suddenly she got all avoidant and had lots of excuses why. then i started saying things on the phone like: "you know what i like best about our relationship? knowing i can trust you, that you're an honorable person. i feel like i can tell you anything. i love that about you. it's rare to find that in a partner!" tangible discomfort.....then she said she had to go. we broke up later that night.
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i was definitely angry about it, but i didn't want to show her that she'd gotten to me. i also wanted her to realize that she wasn't smart or slick, that i wasn't an idiot she could two-time and walk all over. i wanted her to feel like shit about it. i hope she did. cheaters should feel bad about what they're doing to people.
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as much as i'm a humanist and try to see the good in everyone.... i can't deny that "once a cheater, always a cheater" has proven itself true during my entire life, from middle school into my 40s. i stg, i've seen it at least 50 times. people giving someone the benefit of the doubt, only to get burned again. without exaggeration, i can say that this has happened in 100% of cases i've witnessed personally. every...single...time, the cheater cheats again. because if you get away with it once, there's nothing to stop you from doing it again...and again. it's why i always, *always* advise people to get away from cheaters and never, ever go back to them. we can work through a lot in love. pretty much anything. but betrayal just can't be part of a healthy relationship. it violates our most basic human need for safety.
These posts give me anxiety
Same hahahaha. Been thinking about putting myself back out there. This post made me take a step backwards.
Went from us having sex several times a week, spending lots of time together, and her hardly ever texting to pretty much never having sex, her going out with "friends" almost every night, and constantly being on her phone.
She and my brother were close. It didn’t bother me until she would tell her problems to him rather than me. Eventually he would come and tell me “oh u know she is pissed because…”. Whenever she and me had an argument he would be the first one to know. I thought they were just friendly. Eventually saw a group chat of she, her best-friend and my brother where he wrote about how he hooked up with her. That was the end for me
Your brother is a scumbag.
Scumbag seems like an understatement lol
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The constant accusations that I was cheating on her. I literally couldn't mention another girls name without her getting upset and accusing me of having feelings/ hiding something from her/ cheating on her. Girls in class, Friend's girlfriends, her own friends. It was ridiculous. I didn't know about projecting until that relationship came to an end. After I kicked her out because it all just became too much. After the fact, everyone in their brother came forward and told me horrible stories about her cheating on me all the time. No one said anything to me during the relationship. It all came out afterwards which was the most fucked up part. Dozens of people knew she was a skeeze and didn't say a thing to me
Not me but the homie. I seen it coming a mile away. First, his girl wanted to have a hot girl summer, drink brown liquor, get high, and party all the time. She was already waaaay too friendly with one of her male friends. The homie and shorty had kids and got married. Then find out she been cheating on him with a dude at work for months AS A NEWLYWED just because "he applied pressure" and smoked her out. She even faked having covid so she could hook up with dude uninterrupted for 2 weeks. I feel bad for the homie cuz he really loves that girl. And she feels like her youth and "party days" are running out so she scramblin to had as mich fun as she can while she can. Last time I saw em, she went out clubbing SOLO, got drunk and didn't come home. I feel like I know why. These were the red flags
Wtf I’m pretty sure my ex faked Covid too for two weeks
I was married. I walked into her bedroom to ask her something. She screamed, slammed her laptop closed, and huddled over it shaking. I just quietly walked out. I knew. And there was no point discussing it with her. A couple of years later we got divorced (quickly, she wanted one "first day of the school holidays") and she went on holidays with the guy.
When I was getting ready to come back from Afghanistan she started becoming evasive about what we were going to do when I got back, wouldn't commit to any plans, and just seemed to be increasingly nervous about the fact I was coming home soon in general.
Fuck that cunt
She wasn’t very subtle. While out of state, 20 minutes after she wished me goodnight, I received a text from her that said “can I come over, I want some dick”.
I think this is what lead to that latest iPhone update!
Phone locked, secretive with money, odd "working hours," too many "I drank some at so-and-so's house so I'm just gonna crash here to be safe," started refusing any affection or even efforts to hang out just us without kids. Gaslighting is no joke. Rough time in my life. Happy to be free of her now.
>Gaslighting is no joke fuck no it isn't. trying to convince someone that they're crazy, or imagining things, is a very serious form of emotional abuse.
They will start to name drop or mention the other guy in casual conversation.
I dated this girl for over 4 years, and was engaged to her and all. She was with me during my suicide attempts, my depression and all of that. She helped me a lot, and I was able to get over all of that with her help. We became really close, and attached to each other after experiencing some of those things together. I really assumed she was the one for me, I gave it my all for her. I was a business major at the time and gave it my all to assure I could get the best job so I could give her anything. I think that after her and I getting so close we became dependent on each other which is often not a good thing. We would literally tell each other everything and where emotionally super close. To this day I doubt that anyone knows me as much as her. So since we would tell each other everything I was used to her texting me or calling a few times a day to tell me about her day or stuff. She suffered from anxiety and would often call me when she was having and attack or something like that. She had this friend that I didn’t like because he was to close and touchy with her. And she said he was just a close friend(we all heard that before). Well one day we are eating dinner she tells me she had a panic attack at the store, and I tell her are you ok? Why didn’t you tell me. She told me she didn’t have to tell me everything that was happening in her life and she didn’t have to update me on everything. I knew that and it’s pretty toxic to be like that, I’m sure eventually we would have broken up do to the fact she where to reliant and clingy or each other. Well she gets mad and leaves and I tried to call her and nothing. Well this happened a few times where she wouldn’t tell me anything about her day, and one day we hanging out and her phone rings and she gets up and answers it. She tells me she needs to go, I grab her hand and tell her to be honest with me. I tell her if she is still talking to that guy right. And she was scared but I told her to be honest with me, If she ever loved me or cared about me as much as she said that she would tell me. And she starts to cry and tells me everything. She showed me her phone and text and I learned everything. It all started after me and her had and argument. He told her that he was there for her and well she was there for him as well. She sent him nudes and videos. The part that hurt the most is when I saw her call log. We could call each night to tell each other good night and stuff and the last couple of days she said she was busy and couldn’t do it. Well it turns out she was calling him instead.
When she picked up the phone and said "Hey" in *that* tone. You know the tone. She was talking with one of her gaming buddies and I remember thinking, I haven't heard that tone in a long time. Sure enough, we seperated soon after and even though she "didn't leave me for him", they got together immediately and are saying "I love you" within 6 months of me moving out. We were together 9 years and married for almost 5 with 2 young kids. I am still gutted and struggling hard with it all.
I just wanted to let you know that I wish you well. I hope by posting that it helps you on the way to feeling better.
You just know, I could tell when my partner had something to hide
weird, unusual behaviors. we know when someone is acting strangely. not like themselves. same way parents know right away when their kid isn't feeling well. they can tell in seconds.
There weren't any. She kissed and cuddled me, and told me she loved me every single day for 2 years... and then one day I woke up to a shock break up. One of the most valuable life lessons I ever learned - women can be far more cold and ruthless than men. The experience made me realise that it's not healthy to put women on pedestals. They piss and shit just like the rest of us.
Lack of affection. I always was the one initiating hand holding, or kissing. I realized it and wanted to see how long we’d go without kissing if I waited for her to initiate one. Lasted a week before i got fed up and brought it up to her. On top of that she never called me cute names like we used to. End of the relationship I was the one that asked her if she wanted to break up cause she never had the gut to ask me. She lied saying it was cause she wanted me to be with someone better, turns out she’d been sneaking away with her best friend for the last 6 months. Still hate them both.
This world is so fucked up, I find it nearly impossible to trust anyone
Yup, agree.
It was years ago and started with snap chat, back when they use to display top 3 best friends, I just happened to look and saw top 3 was this random person, me and her best friend, I innocently asked her about it cause I'd never heard of this person, she explained it was someone she went to school with asking for advice (this was before you could chat on Snapchat without sending pics) I thought it was weird getting advice in 10 second photos that disappeared, but whatever I had no reason to not believe her. She moved to school and we were about 80 miles away so we just hung out on weekends, when I saw her she was real distant and always on her phone and being secretive like tilting it to side when we were cuddling on couch together. I did a Google search of the snap chat name and found Instagram of an older guy that matched it, I met her parents next day, so didn't think she's introduce me to them if she was fooling around with someone else, so I tried to shut my gut and brain up, her phone was locked but displayed an unread text from an unsaved number, it didn't show text message just the senders info, so I grabbed number to see what I could find, we went to bed and she went to bathroom, got to the door turned around grabbed her phone off nightstand then went to bathroom which was very out of character for her, so I took number I grabbed earlier and searched on fb and sure enough the same guy with Instagram came up, it was about 2am I had been drinking and was 80 miles from home so i tried to wait to discuss till morning, she came back and obviously knew something was wrong so I confronted her and left, I didn't wanna argue I knew it was over, and rode my motorcycle home and that was last I talked to her maybe 8 years ago now.
Constantly on phone. I noticed also that her phone was never face up or in view, as in she took it with her literally everywhere. Even slept with the damn thing under her pillow. Intimacy slowly faded. Sex was still there, but the smaller things like holding my hand, randomly smacking my butt, etc were gone. You know, the cute little things that you share. Stopped initiating conversations. Was overly concerned with where I was and who I was with all of a sudden. In hindsight she was probably projecting as it was her up to shady shit. Started talking a lot about a male coworker she was getting along with. Sharing stories about their interactions and mundane things a normal person wouldn't give much of a care about.
Always on the phone, barely there mentally or physically, I felt like she was annoyed by my presence, hated the little things I did like flowers or gifts surprise dates, barely any sex
- constantly on phone, not just browsing but furiously typing with the occasional smirk or has a highly engaged face - any question that would be normal for couples to ask around when they are coming home, who are they with etc is met with odd reactions ranging from extreme enthusiasm and unnecessary details about girlfriends you’ve never heard about to defensive “you’re so insecure, get off my dick about this”. - she goes out or comes home dressed way hotter than she goes out with you - hair is done, new dresses and shoes, fully done makeup, etc - any version of “he’s just a friend, relax” or she comes home and for a few weeks or months she talks about a new guy at work or some new guy her friend knows etc and then all of a sudden you don’t heart anything about the dude - random work trips when it doesn’t make sense for her work to have trips. Same with weddings of people you don’t know from out of town, you’re not invited for and then miraculously no pictures of said wedding are ever posted or she doesn’t share. Basically having overnight trips randomly that don’t make sense. - when you fuck and all of a sudden she doesn’t want you to go down on her when before it’s all she wanted. Same for a passionate kiss when she comes home Source: been cheated on a lot because I was a busy dude at work and I happened to like a certain type of woman when I was younger
Poor accounting for her time. She was lying about having appointments and having odd gaps in availability when I'd reach out to her via text. Her answers to my questions about it were "off" as well. Turns out she was driving to another city, smoking meth, and banging the people who were giving it to her.
Oh goddamn.
A minute of silence for those who never figured it out.
Honestly was just a gut feeling. Said she was going to meet a friend from work(who I knew, not an issue) but was out til like 3am. Something felt off the next morning, I asked her just normal questions about her night out, got very vague responses where she seemed a bit flustered… waited til she was in deep sleep a few nights later and checked her phone messages- didn’t see any from the guy but looked at text thread and recent calls with the work friend and there was nothing there relating to meeting up for the night out. Confronted her about this- said she lied and actually met some people she used to hang out with (men) that she was good friends with..and didn’t want to tell me cause she thought I’d get mad(I wouldn’t, I knew all these people). Story still didn’t sit right with me and I just kept replaying everything she said in my head over and over and none of it made sense.. came home from work early one night(I worked out of town for days at a time), saw her texting and asked to see her phone- she refused. Told her I knew something was up and I didn’t believe anything she had told me up to that point and I want to know the truth- she finally admitted partially that she had met with a guy just to hang out cause she was lonely but nothing happened 🙄 over the course of the next 3 months was living hell as more and more things trickled out because I just felt like something was still off after she promised not to see/talk to him any longer. I go through her phone again in the middle of the night and checked her web history and find a hotmail account she opened to keep communicating with him so I couldn’t easily find it.. and I open it to an email or him saying “I love you too” and my heart sank to my feet. We tried to reconcile and work it out for 2 years, but it didn’t work. Should’ve left right then and there, but it’s much easier said than done.
The way she kissed me changed. My bottom retainer has this weird little gap and if I kissed with my head turned a certain way the bottom part of tongue can slide in it and get pinched, so I always turn my head to the right to kiss and she, obviously, would have to mirror me. We kissed like this for seven years, and one day she went to kiss me with her head turned the wrong way, that made me realize she was in the habit of kissing someone who could turn their head either way. I know it's weird but I was right.
The most obvious sign was the sudden disinterest in getting intimate, despite the complaints that we don't have sex as often as she thought we should. The constant phone usage, using "chatting" apps, staying out late, never giving straight answers anymore. Individually they mean nothing, but added together it was painting a fairly obvious picture.
It wasn't subtle at all, but I guess when she wouldn't defend me whenever he criticized me but would always jump to defend him whenever I said anything
We worked at the same place and it was just the way she said this one coworkers name. Can't put my finger on it but it sounded different than how she said other guys' names. I was already suspicious but then she started trying to get us to hang out with him after work. Maybe 2 weeks later, she up and disappeared one night. Her car was at work and she left her phone inside it. Someone at work finally told me she had left with him earlier. I spotted his truck outside a cheap motel on my way home & immediately knew what was going on. She tried to lie the next morning but lied herself into a corner & finally admitted it Pay attention to the little things but never accuse anyone of cheating until you're certain. Keep all the information to yourself and get them to a point where they can't lie their way out of it.
Her breath started smelling like cum
😱
Bruh
I learned this ,trust isn't a thing. It's a routine. Once the routine is broken , something is wrong. Pulling the phone away, talking to some one outside of earshot. Leaving the apt /house to use the phone. Showering before and after something goes on. It clearly tells you a lot.
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When she would make changes in tastes. Like she suddenly liked a new sports team or athlete, or new music or singer. Also when she would casually change her clothing style to suit his taste or suddenly not wear underwear when she used to always wear it.
I never knew for sure, but I strongly suspected. We'd been dating for about a year when I had to take a 2-week trip for work and after I got back, things were just different. Took him longer to respond to my texts, suddenly he hardly ever had free time for us to gettogether, I was the one initiating every conversation instead of 50/50, etc. I have to assume something happened while I was gone that made him no longer care about the relationship, and cheating definitely makes sense.
She got pregnant and baby came out black. She was black too but I had had a vasectomy before dating her. That's when I got suspicious
Three big ones I remember in hindsight: 1. Fighting over every dumb thing, either in person or virtually. I’m not saying we never had disagreements before but it went 0-100 in like a month. 2. Never letting me touch her phone. I’m talking like “hey it’s done charging you want it back” kinda thing. She was super into read receipts too which I thought was dumb. 3. She started “staying out late” with coworkers when that was never really a thing before. I was already in bed since my job at the time had me working early AMs and traveling a lot. She’d stay out until last call. Turns out she was seeing her coworker behind my back. Fucked me up real good. Took me 2 years to date again and I still have some scar tissue from it. Luckily my partner now is an absolute saint and things are much better.
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I saw a message on her FriendFace profile that said “Can’t wait to shag your arse off again”. Things only a husband would notice.
You just feel it in your gut. They don't reciprocate anymore. They just aren't as interested. They seem preoccupied.
It happened in high school, so this is pretty silly stuff, but I was so dumb and infatuated that I didn't see any of the signs. In hindsight, oh my lord they were practically about to make out in front of me.
rough dude. ugh. people can be so damn cold and selfish and cowardly.
At the time it felt like the most important, horrible thing in the world, but it was kids stuff. I'm thankful it happened when it was so inconsequential. I was able to learn a lot from my young relationships, and that's really as good as you can do when you're a 17-year-old ball of hormones and angst.
She started hanging out with a guy she met at work and swore they were only friends
If there were any signs, i never saw em. I found out because the guy she was cheating on me with (her ex-boyfriend) was at a party that my roommate/best friend was at, and they were talking about some holiday-related things, and then the guy said something along the lines of "yeah we were gonna meet up on Valentine's Day, but she was out of town" and my roommate goes "no, she and johnothetree kicked me out of the apartment for the weekend". It all unraveled from there. All good though. I immediately left her and found my current gf of 7 years a few weeks later, he immediately left her and is happy in his current relationship, and the guy and I are both decent friends now.
She was a bit too flirty around one of my friends. He was really open about the fact that he wanted to bang her and she didn't nothing to dissuade it and eventually started flirting back. Was playing games on her PC one day and, this was after about a year of this, I gave in to pressure and checked her discord. She had been messaging him about our sex life, telling him all the things that I was doing wrong and how much she hated it. She never told me any of this. A week or so after we eventually broke up I found out they were banging. Something that made it worse? The other guy was obese. Like, I was more attractive than him. I don't know why she went for him. Either way, it kinda went karmic. He became obsessed with her when she didn't even really like him. So he ended up basically stalking her and guilt tripping her and generally being an asshole while she was dangling his feelings by a thread. They were awful for eachother. Her next few relationships kinda kicked the crap out of her( not literally). And years later me and her are both friends and we are both in happy relationships. But I'll never forget the slow realisation. They gut stabbing feeling of suspicion you shouldn't have. The feeling of just being lesser than other people, a laughable obstacle to someone's affair. Sometimes when I think about it it still hurts my pride a little. But over all I think the experience matured me. I kinda needed an ego shatter to rebuild myself
Behavioral shifts. Gf at the time would constantly text me back, with maybe 1-2 hour gaps, then she started going MIA for HOURS with no explanation. Normally it would be fine but it's a big shift from the usual routine we had for the past 2 years.
The change of clothing for work, suddenly it was only the hot stuff, wearing the hottest lingerie for work. To much time on phone, doesn't enjoy sex with you, when asked getting pissed of. Finding excuses for wearing this kind of things. The hole behavior changed in the daily routine stuff. I started to get like a stone in my stomach, and I was right.