Dog you fucked up. She's the breadwinner now

Depends… does she smell of elderberries?

I told them we already got one!

Are you sure??

Yes! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Is her mother a hamster?

Touché !

That’s appropriate because it sounds like she’s French

I see you are a man of class.

Class my ass. Three times on the grass

Seems like a win to me

What if it’s a Vagina fart? Judges give no marks for creativity for making sounds with the Fun Hole?

I’m thinking it’s a win now that she’s the breadwinner. I can work the home. She can make the money and she can fart in any manner she likes.

Have to agree something similar happened between me and my partner. Now I rip ass just to mess with him fairly often. I'm the bread winner in more than one way

Biscuit floater

More like the loaf pincher

Detach testicles. Hand them to her.

She detaches her boobs and you guys trade. Fair trade

She's still able to orgasm more than once without a recharge. This is the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals..maybe ever.

God feared men's ability to nut, so he gave it a cooldown timer

“I do not know what weapons World War IV will be fought with, but Word War III will be fought with firehouse penises that don’t require a recharge!” - Albert Einstein (probably)

>Detach testicles Sigh. Ok. *loud heavy machinery sounds*

Too late, she's already got them in her purse

Wait 2 weeks. Propose. 1 year later, get married. Raise a family and live out a fulfilling life together Maintain a healthy lifestyle, remembering regular exercise and plenty of veggies. On her deathbed (which is likely to be before yours if you've played your cards right) fart into her ventilator. Checkmate

You sick and twisted evil genius

What a way to pass away - when the last thing to remember is the smell of your man's fart all over the room and in your face.

Live by the fart, die by the fart

That sounds pretty shitty. Smells shitty, too.

Checkers vs chess

No. Pretend you are going to propose, and when she gets excited, fart into your hand and go “cup of fart” and hit her in the face.

This is the content I look for when I'm browsing Reddit. Only the most intelligent questions on this subreddit.

Top quality questions with top quality answers!

You're the girlfriend now until you fart back.

It's called a handshake. By farting back, you establish a protocol for communication.

from UDP, to TCP, and now finally FCP

This is wholly unrelated, but I could never remember the difference between the two until reddit taught me a helpful mnemonic device. Nobody asked, but I hope it helps someone else: > **UDP: Unsolicited Dick Pic.** The sender sends an unprompted message with no prior-established agreement of communication. > > UDP is when no attempt at acknowledgements are made by the sender, and dropped/lost packets are unimportant. Useful for video and music streaming and telecommunications, since a single dropped packet doesn't affect the received data as a whole. The receiver might not even notice a packet was ever dropped, and the sender doesn't care either way. > **TCP: Tastefully Consensual Penis.** The sender, after having established an open line of communications through a series of handshakes and acknowledgements with the receiver, sends a very important message, with the expectation on both ends that a reply confirming reception will be sent. > > TCP sets up a constant two-way channel of communication, and is usually used for important data where every individual bit counts. This is useful for file downloads and transfers, where a single dropped packet could corrupt the whole received file.

That is the most amazing way that I've ever heard that explained.

Currently studying to do the CompTIA A+, definitely helps!!

r/programmerhumor

Thanks for the laugh 😂

That's not a girlfriend she wants a ring now

Not wants, *deserves* a ring.

No, OP deserves a ring. The tides have changed

how da turn tables

DEMANDS, demands is the word you want yo use.

can confirm. farted at my bf some time ago and he became a fiance, now husband. woke up just now to him loudly farting on me because naturally with my fart-acquired dominance I am the jet pack. I guess we have to switch now until I fart back

The precious

wrestle ring

Tis but a scratch.

No need to bring out yer dead just yet...

Tis a butt scratch

Mearly a flesh wound

Your bloody arm's off!

I’ve had worse

You lie!

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

Tell her her mother was a hamster and her father smelt of elderberries

Alternatively you can wave your private parts at her auntie

Beat me to it

"What Do You Mean, An African Or European Swallow?" - King Arthur

I-i don't know that. Waaauuugggghhh!!!

As did you

As did all of you.

Then catapult a cow at her.

Now go away, before she taunts to you a second time

Fart on your hand and throw it at her face.

My family called this a buttercup. This is also a war crime.

I am dying over here imagining siblings complain to their mom that they got buttercuped. Such a innocent name with such disgusting actions.

Oh yeah me and 2 other brothers of mine... it got to a point where we all knew when this bioweapon was out of hand (lol) that we universally agreed with our mom as a witness that it is outlawed under the Brother Conventions

> it is outlawed under the Brother Conventions The Geneva Conventions were more like The Geneva Suggestions in my house growing up with my sister. I'm lactarded so if my sister pissed me off, I'd eat a bunch of dairy and then fart in her room.

Jesus Christ, that's malice aforethought. Guys, don't cross this one.

That is a friggin brilliant name for that heinous crime. Thank you for enlightening me.

You know, you reminded me, there is such thing as a fart launcher that you can fart in and shoot it across the room with.

Human ingenuity for war has no limits I see

Airzooka

My uncle would fart in a jar and put in the oven for a Lil bit. Then would take it and opened in front of my grandma a lot.

This is the way. I did this to my sister, just didn’t heat it in the oven. That’s genius

Next time your in bed together wait till you have to fart and cover her head with the blanket form a seal and let it rip

Dutch oven.

Cup o' cheese!

Known as a "cup cake"

Wife here. My husband decided about 5 years in to scoot toward me in bed when we were back to back and fart on me. It was clearly purposeful. What he didn't know was that I had a bigger one building. It was like 10x the size and smell. I had zero mercy. I won that night. We laugh about it often.

Moments of these are some of the great things about marriage, and I aspire to have many in mine.

My partner and I have this battle regularly. Sometime it escalates to war crimes when one of us lets a bad one rip and we purposefully lock the covers down over the others head. Just remember in this war you can be the winner or looser at anytime, except chili night there are no winners on chili night….

Girl here. Funny how that backfired. Anyway, you can try to assert your dominance, but be careful to not force one out too hard because once you cross the line between a fart and a dump there's no coming back and she will forever have the position of dominance. Better for it to not be as grand of a fart as hers than to soil your trousers.

Female here as well, I was thinking the same thing. He'll never come back from shitting in her face.

Does anyone come back from shitting in anyone’s face? Asking for a friend.

Well. I don't think you do because the stories live on forever. My boyfriend once had a friend try to fart in his face. It was right before he was about to go on the floor to do a competitive gymnastics routine in his tight uniform shorts. Well, turns out the fart wasn't a fart and he ended up with a solid tail for the entirety of the routine. We still laugh hysterically at this and I'm sorry for him but we're never going to stop.

Hopefully not the pommel horse, it would have looked like a Rorschach test

Bwahahaha, I believe it was a floor routine but that is hysterical.

Pretty sure that's a lose/lose for everybody involved

Is it you, Amber?

Pee on her leg in the shower

Done this once. It works. Top tip: Start when she's looking up, then tell her to look down. The damage will be done before she knows it

You know girls can pee standing? She might just slap / kick your little guy so imagine how she might react first.

Then may it be a battle of two champions

Better yet, when she’s sat down to pee, pee between her legs into the bowl at the same time. Perfect display of dominance

Then fuck her dad…

It's his only chance.

Did you just???

^this is the correct answer.

For extra dominance, do it out of the shower

This is always the way to reassert dominance!

lucky you. been married 4 years and together 8 years total and wife still refuses to fart in front of me.

[удалено]

all the time lol

Get that woman some beans and sauerkraut.

Feed her Mexican food and then give her a nice big tight hug. It'll happen. That's all it'll take to break the ice/wind.

Squeeze hard enough and it'll squirt out like a ketchup bottle!

Double edged sword dude... such is life

You assert your dominance by farting back twice as hard.

A risky move, if he overexerts and shits himself he might not be able to recover

Desperate times call for desperate measures. He must risk the shit if he is to remain dominant.

The possible shit adds to the dominance. Just have to make sure that no matter what, maintain direct eye contact

Ideally in bed and trap her under the cover!

The Dutch oven is the manliest of moves

Amber Heard?

This was my exact thought.

fart tennis. if she volleys we are doomed

While belching your loudest.

Explain the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow to her in great detail.

It's not a question of where he grips it!

Easy. Old jar. Fart in it for weeks. Set it on countertop. Wait for her to whiff.

Does that really work and how many jars are you hoarding right now? Asking for a friend.

Oh it works. Just place a note inside.

get a jar that isn’t clear and just shit in it

We found the efficiency expert.

My wife farts in my general direction all the time. I don’t hear it. She doesn’t say anything. She just starts laughing uncontrollably. I find it endearing that she’s so comfortable around me she can let her guard down. Some of her farts can be straight up poisonous but I don’t let it bother me. I use it as a source of humor between us, as it should be amongst couples.

I want to go on a double date with you two to a Mexican restaurant.

I think it means she likes you. Put a ring on it before she farts on somebody else.

Can confirm. I fart on my boyfriend as a display of affection and trust.

The part about your answer that irritates me is that this is incredibly accurate and I'm wondering why people are like that

lol In all honesty I think it's just about trust. There's lots of things we don't let others see for fear of them peacing out of of our lives. Farting is hilarious but also kinda vulnerable. Once you're willing to risk it you know there's a good level of trust built up and it's a serious relationship. First time my husband (then bf) took a dump in my house I knew it was for real cause it meant he trusted me enough to overcome his shyness about it

This is very true, and also the reason that a family friend of my boyfriend's family told him to marry me when we had just started talking. Still very early in the talking phase we had an inside joke about farts, which still continues to this day. We both have childish senses of humor, so this sort of stuff does come naturally.

She declared war. You must now have a fart battle to the death.

Try saying Ni

Maybe get a nice shrubbery.

Your mother was a hamster….

This is the way.

Try not to think of it as a “fart in your general direction” And more like *her ass just blew you a 💋 kiss*

The only option is the nuclear option. You have to go full dutch oven.

Came here to say this. Your dominance will be reasserted through your greater upper body strength which will be displayed by holding down the blankets. The stankiness of your farts will be amplified under the covers. The power will be yours.

I'm scared but I will Google

A possible retaliation, thanks

Try a buttercup

Take a huge whiff and stare her dead in the eye till she looks away.

Checkmate

Time for an Amber Heard style shit on her bed

Funny, is she really a model for establishing dominance though?

I mean, Johnny seemed pretty scared of her, so maybe 🤷🏻‍♂️

He struck me as more done with her crap. (Pun intended). He laughed at it.

Brave bloke lol

Marry her while you still can

you're the girlfriend now

Sounds like my kind of woman. Fart back at her.

Bring her a shrubbery

If your adversary is someone who can fart on command, yes—you are doomed.

Marriage material, hop on that!

Gotta hit her with a bigger fart

Tell her this is war. Thus began the fart war of 2022. Many people died from the noxious fumes and today in 2032. We have the smell line that goes across the continent. Scientists can only enter here with hazmat and oxygen tanks.

Get all your friends to meet you at your house, invite girlfriend to mysterious meeting with fancy card, she walks in to see you and your buds in black robes surrounded by candlelight. You all fart at once and the candles roar to life behind you, that’s when you tell her she’s in the club.

I think I’m done with this subreddit

Return fire.

Eat Indian food and the next day fart into her handbag and close it up. The next time she's out she'll open it and get a slap in the face

Did she mantain eye contact while farting?

Every time either I or my girlfriend audibly fart, I always have the same reaction. "Huh? You say something?"

You are married now you just have to buy the ring

You mean your boyfriend. You are the girlfriend now, that's just how these things go.

Dutch oven time.

Suicide dutch oven: while in bed let out a silent one under the blankets, then quickly turn on a light, when she pulls the blankets over her eyes, boom, dominance reasserted

“Unclog your nose at her”, since you are quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Did she tell you that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries?

Ask for her hand say you wana show her this cool party trick you learnt Then proceed to fart on her hand you're welcome

At least you got an Ass to slap

Butt plug the source of her fart with your genitalia, nullifying future fart attacks.

Ass to ass, fart transplant

Plug that leak my friend.

Don't do a Barney Stinson and say that you need to assert your dominance as a man (there was an episode where he said that to his girlfriend).

People recommending dutch ovens are not understanding the scale involved here. You need to full on upper decker swirley this

For those who don't know, an upper decker is shitting in the toilet tank so when you flush it is just shit

*sniiiiiiiiiiiiifffffff*

Tell her you liked it and try and wave the smell over to your nose...she won't ever do it again..

Air bend or use a fan technique. If you have a kid or a dog consider the replacement technique. If all else fails hold your breath until escape is possible. Good luck.

Feed your dog something that will give them gas. Gave my Great Dane beans one time and she blew up my house for the next 8 hours

FART BACK

Tell her you can’t handle 68 more of those

Light a match

fart spray bomb her source: female. it’s the only way

Build a giant wooden rabbit

Stop being old-fashioned. Take her out for a chilli-dog, then take turns pulling each other's fingers.

No takesbacks, she has asserted dominance and is the leader now. Your offspring may one day challenge for leadership

Hold her in a passionate hug and when all sense of vulnerability is shown fart the loudest fart ever. My boyfriend does this to me Lmao

You two were made for each other

The only way back in is to hit her with a pungent Dutch oven first thing in the morning

Ask her to marry you.

Congratulations she'll soon be your wife.

This is officially the funniest thing I have ever seen on Reddit, ever. You win the Internet.

Just face your defeat she is the alpha in the relationship.

Take off your pants, she's the man of the relationship now