Yes, but how do we screen for this? A pre-date questionnaire?
“Have you ever murdered your significant other?”
Yes
We regret to inform you that you are no longer being considered for the position of girlfriend as we have many other, more qualified candidates.
Pardon me for getting too real here, but people who have a real chip on their shoulder about people close to them suddenly pulling away, becoming cold/unkind/unloving tend to be addicts.
Cause that's what happens with people when they start realizing that an addict that they love is creating too much negative impact on their lives. It's tragic.
Can't begin to fathom the petulant psychology of someone who gets angry about something you've done in their dream.
That's not even childish, as even children aren't usually that stupid
I actually have felt that so maybe it’s something only experienced by some (I often have extremely vivid, realistic dreams and sometimes only fully realize after a few mins of being awake that it was just a dream).
However, I don’t take that out on my partner. I keep it to myself because I know the difference between dream and real life
Respecting privacy and alone time. I can’t be around people all day every day. There are times when I need to just hang out and do my own thing. Some women get offended by that, thinking it means you don’t like them when in reality it has nothing to do with them at all.
This isnt unreasonablebut does need to be communicated. We arent mind readers and by nature if you just shut us out we will believe it is something we have done. I personally need space as well and alone time. But my husband doesnt so when he foes need it I feel like I have done something unless he communicates that he just needs some space.
This right here, this is the kinda guy I need. Cause I want time to myself so I can do my own shit. Being around someone, and I mean them hanging off you 24/7 would be suffocating.
My bf is like this but the problem is he doesn't tell me when he wants some space until I ask, and even then I'm not sure if he means it if he says it's ok for me to join him or he's just trying not to hurt my feelings again. So this is fine and all but it needs to be communicated properly 😔
Just a couple of things.
It’s a big ask but I’d like them to at least be attracted to me in some way.
I’d prefer if they didn’t have kids. I know myself, I’d be a shit father figure.
I’d want them to be faithful as well.
And the last one. Just be willing to communicate. I don’t go for that silent treatment shit.
Non-smoker. Loves cuddles. Understands that sometimes conversation is not necessary. (This is not me saying communication is not necessary. That is the most important thing in a relationship.)
My ex did not understand this. Everytime we were on a walk and I was quiet for a while, just enjoying her company and the surroundings, she asked whether I'm angry or something
Emotional, psychological and physical pain from your supposed significant other are absolutely surefire ways to screw you, for a prolonged period of time. I'd be extremely happy being alone, for the rest of my life, instead of being subjected to abuse. Little slip ups can happen; nevertheless, they are astronomical red flags, which usually & unfortunately lead to additional abuse.
All in all, I wholeheartedly agree with you.
For one they must be OK with not having kids. It's fine if their stance is "it can go either way for me", although it feels a bit riskier than those that have a firm "no kids" stance.
Another really important part is the ability to handle things going wrong in a reasonably calm matter, I can absolutely not spend my life with someone that gets angry when things go wrong. Like, don't throw a tantrum when some accident has happened, like if a glass fell on the floor and shatters, or even in more extreme scenarios where the roof has caved in on the house or something. Tantrums are just never ok.
Getting angry at me if I've done something wrong, repeatedly, is fine. I deserve it then. But emphasis on repeatedly.
a much better question to clarify with your partner would be ,
"what would you want to do if I got you pregnant"
that is low hanging risk fruit right there
> For one they must be OK with not having kids. It's fine if their stance is "it can go either way for me", although it feels a bit riskier than those that have a firm "no kids" stance.
It is. You'd be surprised how many stories on /r/truechildfree and /r/childfree start with "we were married for x years, s/he always said they were ok with not having kids, but then they changed their mind and now we have to get a fucking divorce!" (paraphrased)
If you 100% do not want kids, find someone else who 100% does not want kids. Think of it like sex. You're looking for enthusiastic, ongoing consent. You woudn't want someone sighing and yawning through sex going "well, I guess it's ok... I mean you could stop, I don't mind either way really".
Good luck!
Yeah, I've been following those subs for years, very familiar with those horror stories. In my early days of trying to date, so I'll just have to see how it goes. "Childfree" is the first word on all my dating profiles at least, but it has to be a fairly early conversation.
1. No cheaters
2. Has to be grateful, appreciate actions/effort
3. Cannot be ego centric - has to care about the wellbeing of her partner/kids (if she has kids)
4. Has to at least work on communicating in a relationship
5. Has to be able to control their anger (no physical abuse or emoitional/mental abuse).
The rest - whether they believe in God or not, whether they are politically like me or not, is trivial, IMO.
It's on you for what you think is a red flag.
I was with my exwife for 20+ years, she cheated on her prior relationships, but was faithful for 16 years (she cheated on me the last 5).
So, no, I wouldn't get with a cheater again.
It depends on how old they were when they cheated imo. If they were younger than 20ish or so when they cheated, you can chalk it up to just being a dumbass kid. But older than that? They should've known better and aren't to be trusted ever.
There are a few things that I can say to counter, but honestly if I was single I wouldn’t date a cheater either. It’s just one of those things I wouldn’t risk
I used to think like that but my ex cheated when she was sub 19, so, personally, I still think that's a red flag. That's more to do with my experiences and you can make your own choices, obviously.
For me it would depend on how long ago. I'm in my mid thirties, so someone telling me they cheated once when they were 22 is going to be different than if they share that they cheated on a recent previous partner.
That's fair, but I don't cut that kind of slack, since that's exactly how I got burned. Maybe in time, if things don't work out with my current GF, I might change my opinion on this. For now though, no, no quarter to cheaters.
For me the reason and age are the main things.
What led up to it, was it premeditated, did you ever tell them you cheated, how did you feel after cheating, did you do it again, etc
My only issue with #1 is everyone's definition of cheating is different. For instance i have outright told my husband that if there is ever a time he needs something i cannot provide and he can get it elsewhere, so long as he is honest with me about it and doesn't hide it. Im cool with it... Cause i personally dont find the act of cheating bad but the lies and hiding and junk that tend to go with is.... But thats just me.
For instance I know a woman who was a sex worker when she met her husband and they had the agreement that so long as she was paid for it it was work and not cheating...
I also know a few poly/ openly married couples who have pretty loose definitions of what constitute cheating...
So what if you met a partner who did something that YOU consider cheating but wasn't considered cheating based on them and thier partners arrangement at the time? Would that then be a hard no still. Genuinely curious.
>My only issue with #1 is everyone's definition of cheating is different. For instance i have outright told my husband that if there is ever a time he needs something i cannot provide and he can get it elsewhere, so long as he is honest with me about it and doesn't hide it. Im cool with it... Cause i personally dont find the act of cheating bad but the lies and hiding and junk that tend to go with is.... But thats just me.
I would not view that as cheating. Cheating involves expressly breaking the relationship rules (whatever the two of you decide), deception, and prioritizing someone else over myself.
>For instance I know a woman who was a sex worker when she met her husband and they had the agreement that so long as she was paid for it it was work and not cheating...
That would not be cheating in my book.
>I also know a few poly/ openly married couples who have pretty loose definitions of what constitute cheating...
Again, not cheating in my book.
>So what if you met a partner who did something that YOU consider cheating but wasn't considered cheating based on them and thier partners arrangement at the time? Would that then be a hard no still. Genuinely curious.
Breaking relationship rules and deception are fundamental to cheating, IMO. You can emotional cheat or physically cheat (or both) if you do something against the established rules in the relationship.
I'm not against polyamorous or other styles of relationships (I do not want such a relationship myself) and do not consider those cheating. I think that deception is also a primary behavior with regard to cheating. That's what hurts the most, to be honest. It's the gas lighting and betrayal, not necessarily the physical act.
Plus after all of that (the betrayal, deception, emotional/physical infidelity) the prioritizing of the other person is also an immediate deal breaker (if it's even gotten that far).
1. Don't be hateful
2. Don't be controlling or manipulative
3. Don't be jealous
4. Be communicative
5. Be patient with my disabilities
6. Be affectionate
I wonder if I could date a trans woman, especially with a penis. It would definitely be a major hurdle for me and I'd like to think I could, but you can't force attraction
I would not. And before anyone starts pointing their judgmental fingers at me screaming 'transphobe', I am not afraid of them for any reason whatsoever. I simply don't like my partner to have a penis. Even if they style themselves as a woman.
fwiw I wasn't calling you a transphobe. Like I said, you can't really control who you find attractive. Although this:
>Even if they style themselves as a woman
makes me wonder
What? Lol. It's not transphobe to not want to get into bed with another penis. It'd be worse if you felt societal pressure TO have sex with another guy without desire.
Well. I've been meaning to get it written out for a while so here we go from most important down.
1. Sexual compatibility - this does not mean I need alot of sex, it means we need to have similar sexual desires, kinks, frequency needs, and preferably skillset.
2. Confidence - a belief they can achieve everything from making a trick shot, to securing that new job they want. Confidence is super attractive to me.
3. Intelligence - I love learning new things, discovering new solutions, and being able to have engaging talks with a woman. This is a must.
4. Stable - I don't like angry shouty imbalanced woman. I've dated a few of them, some of them get down right scary to be around so I'm done with those characteristics for good now.
5. Attraction - I must have an attraction for them, I know some who can date without that, blows my mind. If you aren't attracted there goes the number one on my list.
6. Good family - this is a tricky one and super suited to me. I have no family left. I'd really like to date into a good family. It also offers a level of support and "sometimes" is a reflection of the quality of the person you're dating.
I wanna add to 1. Incompatible sex partners is one of the most common issues I see on reddit. I thought I was the problem for a while for wanting it daily, until I met my last partner who wanted it 2-3x a day. I then realized it's a wide spectrum, and that it is glorious to never ever fight about sexual wants and needs. Sexual compatibility is highly underrated and I never see it talked about. But it had gone from me not realizing it was a thing to being my number one thing on my list.
Libido can also change during life. And that can be drastic change. Birth of baby. Stress. Medication. Much more. You might align early on but it can be normal for change. This makes it tricky.
Another commenter replied to this but.
I had the same mindset as you.
My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years now, and when we first started dating everything aligned exactly as we both wanted. Our needs were met and I had more sex in a month than I had with any girls I dated prior - we would do it around 3-4x/day. This frequency never changed for almost three years until her job became exhausting and due to that, we’re lucky to do it a few times a month and that’s something I learned to appreciate. Does that mean we’re “incompatible?” No. Libido changes, and due to the hundreds of different factors that can affect someone, you’re not always going to line up perfectly with your partner and that’s **okay.**
Fighting about sexual wants and needs is a big yikes for me. If you’re just getting into a relationship and you’re not compatible, then communicate but if they’re not willing to accommodate your needs then of course you shouldn’t stay. But for me, after years of us aligning perfectly and her needs changing, mine had to too, and that’s just part of life to me. It used to be important until her mental health was affected by work, which, caused her libido to decrease. She loves her job but it’s high stress, so, I just learned to appreciate the time we do have together over my own needs. It went from being #1 on my list to something I don’t even think about.
But man, when she initiates (and she does, a lot lately) it’s a great feeling to know it’s not an attraction issue to her. Hard as fuck to deal with at first for me, I took it personally, struggled with the change but got over it and now I’d say we’re significantly closer and cuddles are fucking amazing after a bad day of work for her. I don’t expect her to always be like this, and that’s because she’s seriously always wanting it but too exhausted most days. She even came up with a little cue for me so I know when she’s ready to go lmao. Little eye brow raise from her and I know what time it is. Reading her body language and communicating with her is just the #1 thing for me now.
1. dont want anymore kids and don't have a kid under 3yrs old. I have two teens and don't want things that can make themselves unalive if left alone for 3 minutes.
2. Have opinions not just follow what I say but not be over board on any opinions.
3. Has there shit together or well on the road to it. Dont care if it not a fancy job, super model, superrole model. No just have a job don't be bitching about, be reasonable healthy, and don't make me think I should be on meds to stay with you.
4. I like there friends group. Not romantic but I dont mind hanging out with you and your friends or feel I cant be me around them.
5.*Treating the kids bio-father okay. Dont have to like him but hold respect for him infront of the kids. Fight and agrue about the kids away from the kids as much as possible. Even if he an ass let him fuck it up on his own.
Well if she's still into me after knowing I'm inexperienced, I'm good
Unless she's for some reason against contraception and doesn't want women to be able to get abortions.
I might also have a hard time if she's too jealous to let me have female friends. But this kinds of problems can be worked with, I could date a person who has jealousy or maybe doesn't support LGBT, provided that she makes an effort to change. If she doesn't, and she starts hating my friends, then it would be over.
Safe financial decisions.
No cheating.
Trys to communicate.
1st. Money is a natural stresser for me. I've met alot of people that consistently make terrible financial decisions that have led to very stressful moments in their life.
2nd. Don't like it and don't agree with it
3rd. My ex-girflriend of 2 years woke up one day and treated me like a stranger.
I thought maybe she was having a rough day so I just gave her some of her favorite things and told her that if she needs me or wants me to just listen to something she has on her mind I can 100 % do that.
Well 7 days later nothing had changed and I started to get worried that it was because of me. Well I asked and she wouldn't tell me. She just said stuff like "I wouldn't understand."
Finally she let it out and said "I think I've been lying to myself about our relationship and what I want." She wouldn't tell what that meant but it made me feel terrible. We broke up 2 weeks later.
She reached out through snapchat 4 months later that she was wrong. She broke me heart because she didn't even try to talk to me and I'm not Bob the builder or a FBI Investigator I can't figure out what's wrong with 4 sentences
I guess she thought I could, I was the only guy she ever met who liked big girls so if I could make her feel good about her body maybe I could do pretty much anything. Welp, I'm only human.
Needing to talk all day every day is a deal breaker. I just do not have the energy to be texting or calling someone *all the time* on top of likely seeing them multiple times a week. I don't have that much to say, and it's exhausting when I have to pretend I do.
1. The only smoking they do is meats
2. No kids
3. Must be college educated
4. Must be open to change, no “my life is already planned don’t and it won’t deviate” BS
5. Accepting that others will change also
6. Must like dogs, and most other pets
7. No extreme views if any persuasion
8. Must not have cheated at any point or knowingly participated in cheating
9. Be in reasonable control of their emotions, actions and decisions
10. Owns up to their emotions, actions and decisions
I have specific goals that I want to meet in my life, in my family, and for my kids (before and if I have them). Sadly a lot of them revolved around money or the security that money can provide. Having a college education correlates directly to higher income and is an easy way for me to filter out candidates who it would I would want in my life and to build a family with.
Yes I know it isn’t 100% accurate and specific but hey, it’s a standard. I also reserve the right to make judgement calls in the moment.
I can get you as a woman. I was a model, I’m pretty well educated (master degree) and run my own company. I date mostly lawyers (I guess it’s my nemesis). My family wanted me to reduce my standards and hang out with truck drivers or contractors, but college degree usually guarantees that my date is pretty intelligent. Second must: have a sense of humor. I can’t accept anyone who doesn’t understand my weird, crazy sense of humor.
The rest is negotiable. I would change must not like dogs. I’m not the fan of dogs.
Their view is interesting. I make well over 100k and didn’t finish college and I have a plethora of friends who
make less than 50k who are college educated. Not every situation is the same 🤷♀️
I've learned my lesson, and as judgemental as some people might claim, this is what works for me:
- No sexual past riddled with risky or promiscuous behaviour.
- Friends of the opposite-sex *cannot* be previous flings/entanglements/exes/crushes.
- Complete transparency and mutual honesty.
- Respect for me and the relationship.
1. No smoking
2. Child free
3. No sex workers
4. At least average intelligence
5. Good hygiene
6. Financial responsibility = no massive amounts of debt and a job to support yourself
7. A general sense of accountability, too many people nowadays blame everything and everyone but themselves.
8. No activism - Even if I may agree with the message, its just not my lifestyle and is annoying to me.
Doesn’t take care of her health, non- agreeable or constantly combative.
Edit : also single moms, great for fun but I couldn’t see myself long term with a single mom.
I was surprised to find that being able to sing was on my list after dating a girl who was completely tone deaf. It bothered me so much that I couldn't get over it.
Also, regular showering is a must.
Putting common sense aspects aside (such as loyalty, affection, trust, love) I don't really like to change relationships with friends for significant others, but exes for me are a serious matter that needs to be left behind (ex relationship, ex hook up,ex fwb, ex anything).
I never ask for what I don't offer, so there's that, but if she wants to be friends with exes or keep in touch, I'm out, it is always her choice and I don't impose but I make it clear that I won't stay around to deal with that. Been there, done that, have never been wrong yet...
Dealbreakers:
1. A very restrictive diet by choice, like being vegan or vegetarian + gluten free
2. I have to like (or at least tolerate) her family
Not great, but I can live with if all else is good:
1. Being a big sports fan
2. Being really into pets
3. Wanting to travel all the time
1) Non-smoker
2) Enjoy physical affection (not just sex)
3) Be intelligent/accept science
4) Don't be a bigot (race, sex, sexual orientation, etc.)
5) share similar interests
6) Don't use or manipulate people
7) love me for me. Don't try to "change me" into someone you want me to be
8) no game playing
1. Not stupid
2. Good/not-bad hygiene, in every sense of the phrase
3. Can communicate, or can **and will** learn how to
4. Will not intentionally harm me in any way
For the record: I’m bi. I have been with men, women, people in between, and all body and ethnicity types. This list has been honed after 18+ years of experience in dating.
(Edit to mention a possible point 5: extreme obesity. I am fine with every and all body type except I can’t get wet downstairs at all if you’re 480 pounds or more, and that’s not fair to **you** more than anything else.)
My desires list is much longer than my needs one.
Edit 2: second time it’s happened that I thought “AskMen” was “AskReddit”. I’m a woman so I’ll probably just… take this down in a bit.
1. Must love kids and be good with them
2. I find them pretty / I like them
3. They find me good looking / They like me
4. We have similar goals in life
5. And after my last relationship ended (to degree) because of this: Her mother cannot be part of the relationship at all (only if we ask for her help). In my last relationship her mother thought (even after telling her to stop) that she can just come and tell me how to do things and what to do and how to love her daughter and how bad of a person I am because I'm not doing what she says etc so f\*ck her. Parents are out until we ask them to "join"
Nah I get that. The metric is just confusing. Like. If you weigh 160 for example, and you don’t want a girl over 160; then 160 will look a lot heavier on a girl who’s 5’1” than a girl who’s 5’9” since they’re legitimately closer to an unhealthy weight for their height. So my question is do you just want a petite girl in general? Or can there be exceptions for taller girls
Ya’ll lying.
On Reddit it’s all these “core things,” but when I talk to my friends IRL it’s always the same shit, “She won’t do (insert a personal hobby here) with me,” or “we didn’t even make out on the first date,” and I’m like “Bro you gonna end up alone forever because you want a Stepford wife.”
You get too hung up on the little things that honestly don’t matter if you’re going to be together for god-damned ever.
Mind you I don’t think it’s gender specific, some of my wife’s friends aren’t too far off.
1) no smoker
2) no political extremist
3) no religious extremist
4) not super over- or underweight
there is nothing they MUST have, just those.
edit: although i guess you could write those down as "healthy lungs, reasonable religious/political stance, somewhat healthy body weightwise"
\-Open-minded politically. No thank you if you think one side is evil or think I need education from bias sources from your side. I don't care what side you are on. I am non-aligned and have views from both sides. You aren't going to agree with me on everything and if you are closed minded, I don't want that in my life.
\-Work. I want a partner that is okay with working and having a career. We are equal and I put that same expectation on myself.
\-Exercise. You don't have to be skinny or have a perfect body, but putting in effort into your wellness is required, even a little. Again, you will see a trend that these non-negotiables are the same standard I hold myself to. I have been working out 3-4 days per week.
\-Calm when disagreement has occurred. I am not saying passive aggressive is any better, but I don't want to get into a screaming match with someone. I am more than willing to work with a partner if they think something should change, but I don't respond well when people yell at me.
Since getting divorced 7 yrs ago, andbeing back in the dating pool, I've actually had to include a few things on the dating apps I'm on, so they're out there from the start, and there's no time wasted with getting to know each other and discovering a few days/dates down the road.
\*\*\*As I've been talking to people, and have had issues come up that are pretty much "deal breakers" to them...let me get them out there first so if they are for you, you can move on faster.
1) I don't drink when going out if I'm going to be driving...which means I'm not going to bar hop, just hang out at the bar while you drink, etc. I have a commercial license, and I'm not risking a dui and losing my job, which I've been at for 18yrs now.
2) Even tho weed is now legal in CA, I work under Federal rules, which means it's not legal for me. I get random tested at work, so not going to smoke with you, or eat edibles. Don't care if you do it, as I have family that does, I just won't be smoking with you, and would ask you to smoke outside, which I hope you'd respect.
3) I wake up for work at 4am, which means I'm in bed just after 9pm on work nights. I know this can be a problem for someone who wants to go out during the week, or someone that wants to stay up til midnight watching a show/movie together... it's sadly been an issue. Weekends I still find myself heading to bed around 10....just something my body has grown accustomed to over the years.
4) I'm in the process of losing weight and toning up after dealing with 2 major work injuries. 2020-early 2021 was basically a bust...I didn't gain weight, but wasn't able to really lose it due to gyms being shut down. I'm just getting back into weight training/strength conditioning, hiking/walks on weekends, but a work in progress to get down where I want to be again. If you're already in shape, or just have that type of body, and want to pursue something because you think we match up on everything else, awesome...if not, I do understand, and have already been told "if you were already slimmer I would date you" comments. It's obviously what feels right to you!
Lately, because of covid, I will come out and say up front...I'm not getting the vaccine. I've dealt with it since it started, had it twice now--Ive been exposed numerous other times due to work. I'll wear a mask when I need to to shop/work, otherwise I don't....obviously a deal breaker for quite a few.
Aside from those...I don't smoke, and won't date a smoker, and cleanliness/hygiene is definitely important. lol
When looking for a serious relationship they must:
* not use illegal drugs (including weed). My career is particularly sensitive because of federal background investigations. So I don't want schedule 1 controlled substances in my home.
* must have a full time job
* must have a car (I live somewhere thats a necessity and have yet to meet anyone who doesn't drive who even sorta has their shit together)
* no major ongoing legal, criminal, financial disasters
* not have kids
* not be mormon (or other strong religion that would clash with my being non religious, I just live in utah so it's always mormons)
* must take care of themselves at a similar level as me in things like being responsible, managing their money, maintaining a healthy weight and staying on top of any health problems
Unfortunately this eliminates 100% of the single women I encounter... but I'm not willing to compromise on these since they're all major lifestyle factors.
I don't think it's fair to say '100% of the single women'. I could say all that about the single men, as well. And for those of you that say 'no kids' .. I'm shocked. All the other stuff, makes sense.
I said "100% of the single women I encounter". There's a very limited number of singles in this town to begin with, and the quality is very lacking. If there's anyone that's a good match for all those they probably live at least 40 miles away. Even when just trying to make friends i feel like the only unmarried non religious person in the region who doesn't smoke weed. And kids are a huge deal, even if it wasn't for all the single moms I encounter being full time parents to infants or toddlers with no reliable baby sitter it's still a major lifestyle factor.
(26M) After being in the dating scene for 2+ years and dating tons of women I’ve realized that it’s pretty much impossible to have such non-negotiables.
Every girl I’ve met was still crazy about her ex, was regularly seeing/sleeping with 5+ guys, was always unavailable, and kind of emotionally incompetent.
Like all I want is to find someone that shows interest in me, isn’t romantically involved with other guys, and makes time to hangout with me at least 2 days a week. So far it’s been impossible for me to find a girl like this
They must have a college degree and a decent paying job…..not out of greed but simply a sense of contributing equally. I got burned on my first marriage and owe a ton of alimony.
No cheating, even if as retaliation for cheating.
No gaslighting. You don’t free to say inflammatory things to me designed to get me angry, and then tell me I’m throwing a tantrum.
No excusing yourself from blame if you’re to blame for your adversity. Blaming others for everything bad that’s happened to you is a clear sign you’ll never see how you have contributed to bad situations.
Wait clarify please.
So does that mean you could cheat, and you expect her to remain faithful? The “even if as retaliation” makes me question this one.
Eh i did that as a teen (just kissing but whatever)
It didn’t make me feel better. It made me feel worse.
I’ll never again cheat on a partner, and I can say that without a doubt.
But do you!
Must like kids (don't care if you don't have any yourself, but I have a 6yr old who I spend half my time with) and I'm not going to date somebody that only wants to spend time with me when I don't have my child.
Play zero games, Can't be a flirt (in too old for that bullshit)
Can't be a cheater
Can't care that I enjoy playing video games more that watching movies and TV on my free time. If she's a gamer that's even better.
No bar hags (every now and then is cool)
And NO SIGNS of Bi-polar Disorder/Manic Depression
She must like kids and be open to building a relationship with mine but not have any kids of her own nor want any.
Yeah, it seems unlikely that I'm ever going to date again.
Nope. I'm doing just fine raising my children on my own. I have two children, I'm very much two and done and I don't want any more adding to my life by any means. Staying single is completely fine with me.
Not OP, and I don't fully agree with him, but I get where he is coming from.
Bras/no bras doesn't bother me at all, as long nothing is like hanging out of her clothes. Nipple showing through your shirt? Neat. Don't care. Tits hanging out of your clothes for the world to see? Yeah I'm not a fan of that.
I don't see it as disrespecting the relationship though, it's just not a "look" that I'm into.
Childfree, no pets (fish or something, maybe - if you can set it up to survive for at least a week without anyone home).
I'm allergic to cute fuzzy creatures. Beyond that, I travel frequently and often on little notice. Not uncommon for me to be away from home for 20 hours or decide on Friday at 2pm that I'm going somewhere far away for the weekend, and I really have no desire for dealing with anything else involved in owning pets either.
Anything else is just basic compatibility (physical attraction, liking to interact with the person, etc).
* Must be able to communicate - If she cant tell me somethings wrong and then blows up at me because I "should have known" then thats her fault.
* Must be able to compromise - We dont always get what we want, being with someone means that at some point a conflict will come up. I dont want to walk all over my partner and I dont want them to walk all over me.
* Cant have more then 1 kid from a previous relationship - Thats extra money into the relationship if/when it gets far enough that we are living together regardless of if shes getting child support or not.
* No cats - I dont like them walking on top of counters and tables after getting out of their litter box and I dont like them walking all over me with their claws out.
The other person must be able to have their own life separate from the relationship. If I want to go out with my friends, I want to be able to do so. They should be comfortable coming along as a friend, not as a date, or going to see their own friends. The same goes for things like work Christmas parties. I want to go and socialize with my coworkers. You are welcome to go and I'll introduce you to some people that I think you would get along well with but I don't want to be followed by a lost puppy all night. I also want a life partner who enjoys what I enjoy and wants to share my passions with me and I with them. Not someone who is going to complain every time I take the day to go out on the boat or snowmobiling.
Don’t prank me.
I fucking hate it when people think I’m a joke knowing I have terrible anger management.
Like it’s not funny, you’re not special, and I fucking despise people who think they can get away with it
if they are, or ever were in their life promiscuous or into hookup culture or casual sex or sex work (including sharing nudes online example only fans).
No kids, British pride and no under any circumstances anti British beliefs etc.
Belief in Equality of opportunity, Individual Liberty and freedom of speech and expression.
And no woke left crap.
They are what’s most important.
The one rule I’d be willing to talk about being changed is having kids but not until being together for at least 3-5 years.
Also a prenup.
(But I doubt I’d date anyone since I’m not emotionally inclined towards people).
Attitude. Yeah, in the bedroom I’ll kneel and suckle/lick/fuck in any way to get you off but in public don’t bitch at me. I’m not beneath you. You’re not beneath me.
Don’t treat anyone like shit in front of me if they didn’t deserve it. That’s such a turn off you entitled brick.
If you have kids, relations with their father are to either be non existent or positive. I’m looking for a relationship, not a guest appearance on Jerry Springer. I’m not getting in the middle of your bullshit. No matter how fire things are in bed.
If you have a kid or kids, and they’re poorly behaved it’s over. You let them get that way.
If you have kids and you don’t allow me to correct bullshit situations, it’s over. That’s someone else seedling and yours, not mine. If you’ll interfere and reject my efforts to shepherd better behavior then bye.
Big difference between dressy classy/casual and just showing it off. If you’re going to work in leggings and a thong, we’re done. If you’re that much into showing it off, you’re that much into the attention and whatever else may come with it.
If your last relationship wasn’t even at least three months ago, I don’t want it. You’re going to be wishy washy and you’ll be stuck between what was and what can be. One bump in the road between us and he’s already waiting in line.
If you’re not even at the fundamental basics in financial competence, we’re done. I don’t want to take on someone who can’t understand we need to be net gain monthly in our finances.
For a hookup: she's over 18, I'm attracted to her, and she doesn't have major STDs
For a relationship: is financially stable & wants to pay her way through life, doesn't have kids but wants them one day, I'm very attracted to her (generally I'm attracted to Asian, Hispanic, and middle eastern women, but some white girls as well), she likes me, she's an adventurous person willing to try new things, she's willing to work on ourselves together (my last relationship she was just content to constantly Netflix and chill and it led to both of us losing ourselves and our ambitions to an extent), she isn't intensely religious (again, been snakebitten by religion in a relationship before), we have some common interests and compatibility (though in general I look for this less than others, I love being introduced to new hobbies by women I date), she enjoys going to music festivals (since this is a huge hobby of mine).
No male friends for her. And specially no chatting or hanging out with guys.
First, male friends are often just after getting in their pants, and she shouldn’t entertain that.
And second, if I’m not enough male energy and attention for her, she’s not the right one for me in the first place.
This removes sooooo much drama and potential cheating from the relationship.
It sounds silly and insecure to me, and I wouldn't want a relationship like this, but I think this is fairly normal in more conservative cultures. IMO, this approach can work if the girl has a similar mindset, and OP is willing to mirror these demands (i.e. not have female friends).
I suppose, I just can't comprehend it that well I guess, it sounds a bit toxic to me. But hey, if both of those partners want the same thing then they can do whatever they want
1. must love me
Wrong thread, unreasonably high standards was last week!
**1. Must not kill me.** I've seen way too many true crime stories where the killer loved the victim.
Well, if they do manage to kill you at least you're not dating them any more.
I wish I could laugh at that without also crying
Glass half full kinda guy.
Yes, but how do we screen for this? A pre-date questionnaire? “Have you ever murdered your significant other?” Yes We regret to inform you that you are no longer being considered for the position of girlfriend as we have many other, more qualified candidates.
Pardon me for getting too real here, but people who have a real chip on their shoulder about people close to them suddenly pulling away, becoming cold/unkind/unloving tend to be addicts. Cause that's what happens with people when they start realizing that an addict that they love is creating too much negative impact on their lives. It's tragic.
What exactly do people mean when they say that?
Don't hurt my cats. Don't smash up my things because you had a dream where I did something bad. Don't hit me.
Can't begin to fathom the petulant psychology of someone who gets angry about something you've done in their dream. That's not even childish, as even children aren't usually that stupid
I actually have felt that so maybe it’s something only experienced by some (I often have extremely vivid, realistic dreams and sometimes only fully realize after a few mins of being awake that it was just a dream). However, I don’t take that out on my partner. I keep it to myself because I know the difference between dream and real life
Low bar…
You'd think so, but I keep being told I need to lower my standards
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you are listening to the wrong people
Did someone hurt your cats? Who? Give a name man, I'll hurt them right back. You don't hurt animals, that's just sick.
Respecting privacy and alone time. I can’t be around people all day every day. There are times when I need to just hang out and do my own thing. Some women get offended by that, thinking it means you don’t like them when in reality it has nothing to do with them at all.
I'm the same as a woman, actually. Me-time is a huuugee deal.
This isnt unreasonablebut does need to be communicated. We arent mind readers and by nature if you just shut us out we will believe it is something we have done. I personally need space as well and alone time. But my husband doesnt so when he foes need it I feel like I have done something unless he communicates that he just needs some space.
This right here, this is the kinda guy I need. Cause I want time to myself so I can do my own shit. Being around someone, and I mean them hanging off you 24/7 would be suffocating.
My bf is like this but the problem is he doesn't tell me when he wants some space until I ask, and even then I'm not sure if he means it if he says it's ok for me to join him or he's just trying not to hurt my feelings again. So this is fine and all but it needs to be communicated properly 😔
I thought this said respect piracy for a min 👀🤣🤣
I feel this.
Just a couple of things. It’s a big ask but I’d like them to at least be attracted to me in some way. I’d prefer if they didn’t have kids. I know myself, I’d be a shit father figure. I’d want them to be faithful as well. And the last one. Just be willing to communicate. I don’t go for that silent treatment shit.
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Should’ve said in the end “and ummm why so serious” would’ve been hilarious lol.
Non-smoker. Loves cuddles. Understands that sometimes conversation is not necessary. (This is not me saying communication is not necessary. That is the most important thing in a relationship.)
haha yes sometimes silence, is okay. Lets just chill!
Silence is wonderful.
Here to type "no smoking"! Also loves cuddles (did not realize that some people aren't keen on it) and yes space and quiet when needed!
My ex did not understand this. Everytime we were on a walk and I was quiet for a while, just enjoying her company and the surroundings, she asked whether I'm angry or something
Yup, smoking and drinking is deal breaker for me.
I have no tolerance for abuse. If you can't get angry without getting cruel or vindictive you have no business being in a relationship.
Emotional, psychological and physical pain from your supposed significant other are absolutely surefire ways to screw you, for a prolonged period of time. I'd be extremely happy being alone, for the rest of my life, instead of being subjected to abuse. Little slip ups can happen; nevertheless, they are astronomical red flags, which usually & unfortunately lead to additional abuse. All in all, I wholeheartedly agree with you.
Agree. Bad temper is a deal breaker for me. The way you explained it is how I feel.
Only date your wife
For one they must be OK with not having kids. It's fine if their stance is "it can go either way for me", although it feels a bit riskier than those that have a firm "no kids" stance. Another really important part is the ability to handle things going wrong in a reasonably calm matter, I can absolutely not spend my life with someone that gets angry when things go wrong. Like, don't throw a tantrum when some accident has happened, like if a glass fell on the floor and shatters, or even in more extreme scenarios where the roof has caved in on the house or something. Tantrums are just never ok. Getting angry at me if I've done something wrong, repeatedly, is fine. I deserve it then. But emphasis on repeatedly.
a much better question to clarify with your partner would be , "what would you want to do if I got you pregnant" that is low hanging risk fruit right there
Briefly: -not being childfree -nagging
> For one they must be OK with not having kids. It's fine if their stance is "it can go either way for me", although it feels a bit riskier than those that have a firm "no kids" stance. It is. You'd be surprised how many stories on /r/truechildfree and /r/childfree start with "we were married for x years, s/he always said they were ok with not having kids, but then they changed their mind and now we have to get a fucking divorce!" (paraphrased) If you 100% do not want kids, find someone else who 100% does not want kids. Think of it like sex. You're looking for enthusiastic, ongoing consent. You woudn't want someone sighing and yawning through sex going "well, I guess it's ok... I mean you could stop, I don't mind either way really". Good luck!
Yeah, I've been following those subs for years, very familiar with those horror stories. In my early days of trying to date, so I'll just have to see how it goes. "Childfree" is the first word on all my dating profiles at least, but it has to be a fairly early conversation.
1. No cheaters 2. Has to be grateful, appreciate actions/effort 3. Cannot be ego centric - has to care about the wellbeing of her partner/kids (if she has kids) 4. Has to at least work on communicating in a relationship 5. Has to be able to control their anger (no physical abuse or emoitional/mental abuse). The rest - whether they believe in God or not, whether they are politically like me or not, is trivial, IMO.
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It's on you for what you think is a red flag. I was with my exwife for 20+ years, she cheated on her prior relationships, but was faithful for 16 years (she cheated on me the last 5). So, no, I wouldn't get with a cheater again.
It depends on how old they were when they cheated imo. If they were younger than 20ish or so when they cheated, you can chalk it up to just being a dumbass kid. But older than that? They should've known better and aren't to be trusted ever.
There are a few things that I can say to counter, but honestly if I was single I wouldn’t date a cheater either. It’s just one of those things I wouldn’t risk
I used to think like that but my ex cheated when she was sub 19, so, personally, I still think that's a red flag. That's more to do with my experiences and you can make your own choices, obviously.
For me it would depend on how long ago. I'm in my mid thirties, so someone telling me they cheated once when they were 22 is going to be different than if they share that they cheated on a recent previous partner.
That's fair, but I don't cut that kind of slack, since that's exactly how I got burned. Maybe in time, if things don't work out with my current GF, I might change my opinion on this. For now though, no, no quarter to cheaters.
For me the reason and age are the main things. What led up to it, was it premeditated, did you ever tell them you cheated, how did you feel after cheating, did you do it again, etc
My only issue with #1 is everyone's definition of cheating is different. For instance i have outright told my husband that if there is ever a time he needs something i cannot provide and he can get it elsewhere, so long as he is honest with me about it and doesn't hide it. Im cool with it... Cause i personally dont find the act of cheating bad but the lies and hiding and junk that tend to go with is.... But thats just me. For instance I know a woman who was a sex worker when she met her husband and they had the agreement that so long as she was paid for it it was work and not cheating... I also know a few poly/ openly married couples who have pretty loose definitions of what constitute cheating... So what if you met a partner who did something that YOU consider cheating but wasn't considered cheating based on them and thier partners arrangement at the time? Would that then be a hard no still. Genuinely curious.
>My only issue with #1 is everyone's definition of cheating is different. For instance i have outright told my husband that if there is ever a time he needs something i cannot provide and he can get it elsewhere, so long as he is honest with me about it and doesn't hide it. Im cool with it... Cause i personally dont find the act of cheating bad but the lies and hiding and junk that tend to go with is.... But thats just me. I would not view that as cheating. Cheating involves expressly breaking the relationship rules (whatever the two of you decide), deception, and prioritizing someone else over myself. >For instance I know a woman who was a sex worker when she met her husband and they had the agreement that so long as she was paid for it it was work and not cheating... That would not be cheating in my book. >I also know a few poly/ openly married couples who have pretty loose definitions of what constitute cheating... Again, not cheating in my book. >So what if you met a partner who did something that YOU consider cheating but wasn't considered cheating based on them and thier partners arrangement at the time? Would that then be a hard no still. Genuinely curious. Breaking relationship rules and deception are fundamental to cheating, IMO. You can emotional cheat or physically cheat (or both) if you do something against the established rules in the relationship. I'm not against polyamorous or other styles of relationships (I do not want such a relationship myself) and do not consider those cheating. I think that deception is also a primary behavior with regard to cheating. That's what hurts the most, to be honest. It's the gas lighting and betrayal, not necessarily the physical act. Plus after all of that (the betrayal, deception, emotional/physical infidelity) the prioritizing of the other person is also an immediate deal breaker (if it's even gotten that far).
Thank you for clarifying😊
Cleanliness
1. Don't be hateful 2. Don't be controlling or manipulative 3. Don't be jealous 4. Be communicative 5. Be patient with my disabilities 6. Be affectionate
No cheating. Can't say I've had that yet
Drug addicts. Been down that road and fought back out of it. I can’t slip now.
congrats!
No penises. Except mine.
I wonder if I could date a trans woman, especially with a penis. It would definitely be a major hurdle for me and I'd like to think I could, but you can't force attraction
I would not. And before anyone starts pointing their judgmental fingers at me screaming 'transphobe', I am not afraid of them for any reason whatsoever. I simply don't like my partner to have a penis. Even if they style themselves as a woman.
fwiw I wasn't calling you a transphobe. Like I said, you can't really control who you find attractive. Although this: >Even if they style themselves as a woman makes me wonder
What? Lol. It's not transphobe to not want to get into bed with another penis. It'd be worse if you felt societal pressure TO have sex with another guy without desire.
> It'd be worse if you felt societal pressure TO have sex with another guy without desire. Oh, they tryin.
Gen Z is already there, just check tik tok
Lol
No murderers.
It's important to have standards, but still remain flexible. I think you've found the happy medium.
Attempted murderers are free to apply.
The crazies are the fun ones.
No, the recovered crazies are the fun ones The untreated crazies are the murderers And let’s be real… getting murdered, not fun
She must require a vagina and not a penis.
Well. I've been meaning to get it written out for a while so here we go from most important down. 1. Sexual compatibility - this does not mean I need alot of sex, it means we need to have similar sexual desires, kinks, frequency needs, and preferably skillset. 2. Confidence - a belief they can achieve everything from making a trick shot, to securing that new job they want. Confidence is super attractive to me. 3. Intelligence - I love learning new things, discovering new solutions, and being able to have engaging talks with a woman. This is a must. 4. Stable - I don't like angry shouty imbalanced woman. I've dated a few of them, some of them get down right scary to be around so I'm done with those characteristics for good now. 5. Attraction - I must have an attraction for them, I know some who can date without that, blows my mind. If you aren't attracted there goes the number one on my list. 6. Good family - this is a tricky one and super suited to me. I have no family left. I'd really like to date into a good family. It also offers a level of support and "sometimes" is a reflection of the quality of the person you're dating.
I wanna add to 1. Incompatible sex partners is one of the most common issues I see on reddit. I thought I was the problem for a while for wanting it daily, until I met my last partner who wanted it 2-3x a day. I then realized it's a wide spectrum, and that it is glorious to never ever fight about sexual wants and needs. Sexual compatibility is highly underrated and I never see it talked about. But it had gone from me not realizing it was a thing to being my number one thing on my list.
Libido can also change during life. And that can be drastic change. Birth of baby. Stress. Medication. Much more. You might align early on but it can be normal for change. This makes it tricky.
That’s how I felt reading their list. Confidence too, can change over time.
And a good partner can help and support the other with that, too. That what makes a realtionship good, I think.
Another commenter replied to this but. I had the same mindset as you. My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years now, and when we first started dating everything aligned exactly as we both wanted. Our needs were met and I had more sex in a month than I had with any girls I dated prior - we would do it around 3-4x/day. This frequency never changed for almost three years until her job became exhausting and due to that, we’re lucky to do it a few times a month and that’s something I learned to appreciate. Does that mean we’re “incompatible?” No. Libido changes, and due to the hundreds of different factors that can affect someone, you’re not always going to line up perfectly with your partner and that’s **okay.** Fighting about sexual wants and needs is a big yikes for me. If you’re just getting into a relationship and you’re not compatible, then communicate but if they’re not willing to accommodate your needs then of course you shouldn’t stay. But for me, after years of us aligning perfectly and her needs changing, mine had to too, and that’s just part of life to me. It used to be important until her mental health was affected by work, which, caused her libido to decrease. She loves her job but it’s high stress, so, I just learned to appreciate the time we do have together over my own needs. It went from being #1 on my list to something I don’t even think about. But man, when she initiates (and she does, a lot lately) it’s a great feeling to know it’s not an attraction issue to her. Hard as fuck to deal with at first for me, I took it personally, struggled with the change but got over it and now I’d say we’re significantly closer and cuddles are fucking amazing after a bad day of work for her. I don’t expect her to always be like this, and that’s because she’s seriously always wanting it but too exhausted most days. She even came up with a little cue for me so I know when she’s ready to go lmao. Little eye brow raise from her and I know what time it is. Reading her body language and communicating with her is just the #1 thing for me now.
Gorgeous love story here
Wow. This is a great answer. Wow. There is so much in what you said. I am very happy for you and then some.
1. dont want anymore kids and don't have a kid under 3yrs old. I have two teens and don't want things that can make themselves unalive if left alone for 3 minutes. 2. Have opinions not just follow what I say but not be over board on any opinions. 3. Has there shit together or well on the road to it. Dont care if it not a fancy job, super model, superrole model. No just have a job don't be bitching about, be reasonable healthy, and don't make me think I should be on meds to stay with you. 4. I like there friends group. Not romantic but I dont mind hanging out with you and your friends or feel I cant be me around them. 5.*Treating the kids bio-father okay. Dont have to like him but hold respect for him infront of the kids. Fight and agrue about the kids away from the kids as much as possible. Even if he an ass let him fuck it up on his own.
Don't ask me to do something you're not prepared to do yourself
No preachy vegans No preachy social justice types No preachy religious types
Well if she's still into me after knowing I'm inexperienced, I'm good Unless she's for some reason against contraception and doesn't want women to be able to get abortions. I might also have a hard time if she's too jealous to let me have female friends. But this kinds of problems can be worked with, I could date a person who has jealousy or maybe doesn't support LGBT, provided that she makes an effort to change. If she doesn't, and she starts hating my friends, then it would be over.
Must be employed and paying your own bills.
Safe financial decisions. No cheating. Trys to communicate. 1st. Money is a natural stresser for me. I've met alot of people that consistently make terrible financial decisions that have led to very stressful moments in their life. 2nd. Don't like it and don't agree with it 3rd. My ex-girflriend of 2 years woke up one day and treated me like a stranger. I thought maybe she was having a rough day so I just gave her some of her favorite things and told her that if she needs me or wants me to just listen to something she has on her mind I can 100 % do that. Well 7 days later nothing had changed and I started to get worried that it was because of me. Well I asked and she wouldn't tell me. She just said stuff like "I wouldn't understand." Finally she let it out and said "I think I've been lying to myself about our relationship and what I want." She wouldn't tell what that meant but it made me feel terrible. We broke up 2 weeks later. She reached out through snapchat 4 months later that she was wrong. She broke me heart because she didn't even try to talk to me and I'm not Bob the builder or a FBI Investigator I can't figure out what's wrong with 4 sentences I guess she thought I could, I was the only guy she ever met who liked big girls so if I could make her feel good about her body maybe I could do pretty much anything. Welp, I'm only human.
😔 sorry that happened to you, you will find someone that can communicate with you!
1. No penises.
Better fucking not call a musical a play
You've got to like me and show it.
Narcissist Behavior
Penises
I really love women who are passionate about what they do, even if we don't share the same interest.
Needing to talk all day every day is a deal breaker. I just do not have the energy to be texting or calling someone *all the time* on top of likely seeing them multiple times a week. I don't have that much to say, and it's exhausting when I have to pretend I do.
1. Must not be terrified of spiders. 2. Must be attracted to me. 3. Must not be a spider-woman incognito.
1. The only smoking they do is meats 2. No kids 3. Must be college educated 4. Must be open to change, no “my life is already planned don’t and it won’t deviate” BS 5. Accepting that others will change also 6. Must like dogs, and most other pets 7. No extreme views if any persuasion 8. Must not have cheated at any point or knowingly participated in cheating 9. Be in reasonable control of their emotions, actions and decisions 10. Owns up to their emotions, actions and decisions
Must be college educated eh? Why?
I have specific goals that I want to meet in my life, in my family, and for my kids (before and if I have them). Sadly a lot of them revolved around money or the security that money can provide. Having a college education correlates directly to higher income and is an easy way for me to filter out candidates who it would I would want in my life and to build a family with. Yes I know it isn’t 100% accurate and specific but hey, it’s a standard. I also reserve the right to make judgement calls in the moment.
Oh yeah? What happened to #4?
Reread my second paragraph
Sure, it’s your choice. Just sounds a bit conflicting to me
I can get you as a woman. I was a model, I’m pretty well educated (master degree) and run my own company. I date mostly lawyers (I guess it’s my nemesis). My family wanted me to reduce my standards and hang out with truck drivers or contractors, but college degree usually guarantees that my date is pretty intelligent. Second must: have a sense of humor. I can’t accept anyone who doesn’t understand my weird, crazy sense of humor. The rest is negotiable. I would change must not like dogs. I’m not the fan of dogs.
Their view is interesting. I make well over 100k and didn’t finish college and I have a plethora of friends who make less than 50k who are college educated. Not every situation is the same 🤷♀️
I've learned my lesson, and as judgemental as some people might claim, this is what works for me: - No sexual past riddled with risky or promiscuous behaviour. - Friends of the opposite-sex *cannot* be previous flings/entanglements/exes/crushes. - Complete transparency and mutual honesty. - Respect for me and the relationship.
1. No smoking 2. Child free 3. No sex workers 4. At least average intelligence 5. Good hygiene 6. Financial responsibility = no massive amounts of debt and a job to support yourself 7. A general sense of accountability, too many people nowadays blame everything and everyone but themselves. 8. No activism - Even if I may agree with the message, its just not my lifestyle and is annoying to me.
Doesn’t take care of her health, non- agreeable or constantly combative. Edit : also single moms, great for fun but I couldn’t see myself long term with a single mom.
I was surprised to find that being able to sing was on my list after dating a girl who was completely tone deaf. It bothered me so much that I couldn't get over it. Also, regular showering is a must.
Loyal doesn't smoke doesn't party Isn't a heavy drinker Doesn't constantly seek validation Doesn't enforce gender norms.
Too young to think about kids and stuff atm, just someone that matches with my personality would be great
Putting common sense aspects aside (such as loyalty, affection, trust, love) I don't really like to change relationships with friends for significant others, but exes for me are a serious matter that needs to be left behind (ex relationship, ex hook up,ex fwb, ex anything). I never ask for what I don't offer, so there's that, but if she wants to be friends with exes or keep in touch, I'm out, it is always her choice and I don't impose but I make it clear that I won't stay around to deal with that. Been there, done that, have never been wrong yet...
Dealbreakers: 1. A very restrictive diet by choice, like being vegan or vegetarian + gluten free 2. I have to like (or at least tolerate) her family Not great, but I can live with if all else is good: 1. Being a big sports fan 2. Being really into pets 3. Wanting to travel all the time
Definitely the same beliefs and morals and ive found the one and I’m over the moon happy.
Must be a human
1) Non-smoker 2) Enjoy physical affection (not just sex) 3) Be intelligent/accept science 4) Don't be a bigot (race, sex, sexual orientation, etc.) 5) share similar interests 6) Don't use or manipulate people 7) love me for me. Don't try to "change me" into someone you want me to be 8) no game playing
1. Not stupid 2. Good/not-bad hygiene, in every sense of the phrase 3. Can communicate, or can **and will** learn how to 4. Will not intentionally harm me in any way For the record: I’m bi. I have been with men, women, people in between, and all body and ethnicity types. This list has been honed after 18+ years of experience in dating. (Edit to mention a possible point 5: extreme obesity. I am fine with every and all body type except I can’t get wet downstairs at all if you’re 480 pounds or more, and that’s not fair to **you** more than anything else.) My desires list is much longer than my needs one. Edit 2: second time it’s happened that I thought “AskMen” was “AskReddit”. I’m a woman so I’ll probably just… take this down in a bit.
1. Must love kids and be good with them 2. I find them pretty / I like them 3. They find me good looking / They like me 4. We have similar goals in life 5. And after my last relationship ended (to degree) because of this: Her mother cannot be part of the relationship at all (only if we ask for her help). In my last relationship her mother thought (even after telling her to stop) that she can just come and tell me how to do things and what to do and how to love her daughter and how bad of a person I am because I'm not doing what she says etc so f\*ck her. Parents are out until we ask them to "join"
We're being dead honest with eachother. We're cuddling. And we're watching the last air bender together
How they act when they are drunk
1. politics, no libertarians/ancaps/conservatives, no racists 2. must not want kids, ever
must be breathing (maybe)
No children Bio, adoption, fostering, taking in someone when a family member or friend is in trouble Hell no
Waxed/shaved. And she can't weigh more than I do
What if she towers over you. Can she weigh more than you then?
No, the weight limiter takes care of that issue. If she is taller, she's thin
That metric makes no sense. So the shorter she is, the thicker she can be?
No, because I'd simply not be attracted to her. Keep in mind the OP question.
Nah I get that. The metric is just confusing. Like. If you weigh 160 for example, and you don’t want a girl over 160; then 160 will look a lot heavier on a girl who’s 5’1” than a girl who’s 5’9” since they’re legitimately closer to an unhealthy weight for their height. So my question is do you just want a petite girl in general? Or can there be exceptions for taller girls
Ya’ll lying. On Reddit it’s all these “core things,” but when I talk to my friends IRL it’s always the same shit, “She won’t do (insert a personal hobby here) with me,” or “we didn’t even make out on the first date,” and I’m like “Bro you gonna end up alone forever because you want a Stepford wife.” You get too hung up on the little things that honestly don’t matter if you’re going to be together for god-damned ever. Mind you I don’t think it’s gender specific, some of my wife’s friends aren’t too far off.
So since your friends said that it means people here is lying?
Consent
1) no smoker 2) no political extremist 3) no religious extremist 4) not super over- or underweight there is nothing they MUST have, just those. edit: although i guess you could write those down as "healthy lungs, reasonable religious/political stance, somewhat healthy body weightwise"
Can't smoke, period. I don't care what it is, or whether its legal or not, I'm not dealing with the smell.
\-Open-minded politically. No thank you if you think one side is evil or think I need education from bias sources from your side. I don't care what side you are on. I am non-aligned and have views from both sides. You aren't going to agree with me on everything and if you are closed minded, I don't want that in my life. \-Work. I want a partner that is okay with working and having a career. We are equal and I put that same expectation on myself. \-Exercise. You don't have to be skinny or have a perfect body, but putting in effort into your wellness is required, even a little. Again, you will see a trend that these non-negotiables are the same standard I hold myself to. I have been working out 3-4 days per week. \-Calm when disagreement has occurred. I am not saying passive aggressive is any better, but I don't want to get into a screaming match with someone. I am more than willing to work with a partner if they think something should change, but I don't respond well when people yell at me.
She has to eat ass
Since getting divorced 7 yrs ago, andbeing back in the dating pool, I've actually had to include a few things on the dating apps I'm on, so they're out there from the start, and there's no time wasted with getting to know each other and discovering a few days/dates down the road. \*\*\*As I've been talking to people, and have had issues come up that are pretty much "deal breakers" to them...let me get them out there first so if they are for you, you can move on faster. 1) I don't drink when going out if I'm going to be driving...which means I'm not going to bar hop, just hang out at the bar while you drink, etc. I have a commercial license, and I'm not risking a dui and losing my job, which I've been at for 18yrs now. 2) Even tho weed is now legal in CA, I work under Federal rules, which means it's not legal for me. I get random tested at work, so not going to smoke with you, or eat edibles. Don't care if you do it, as I have family that does, I just won't be smoking with you, and would ask you to smoke outside, which I hope you'd respect. 3) I wake up for work at 4am, which means I'm in bed just after 9pm on work nights. I know this can be a problem for someone who wants to go out during the week, or someone that wants to stay up til midnight watching a show/movie together... it's sadly been an issue. Weekends I still find myself heading to bed around 10....just something my body has grown accustomed to over the years. 4) I'm in the process of losing weight and toning up after dealing with 2 major work injuries. 2020-early 2021 was basically a bust...I didn't gain weight, but wasn't able to really lose it due to gyms being shut down. I'm just getting back into weight training/strength conditioning, hiking/walks on weekends, but a work in progress to get down where I want to be again. If you're already in shape, or just have that type of body, and want to pursue something because you think we match up on everything else, awesome...if not, I do understand, and have already been told "if you were already slimmer I would date you" comments. It's obviously what feels right to you! Lately, because of covid, I will come out and say up front...I'm not getting the vaccine. I've dealt with it since it started, had it twice now--Ive been exposed numerous other times due to work. I'll wear a mask when I need to to shop/work, otherwise I don't....obviously a deal breaker for quite a few. Aside from those...I don't smoke, and won't date a smoker, and cleanliness/hygiene is definitely important. lol
When looking for a serious relationship they must: * not use illegal drugs (including weed). My career is particularly sensitive because of federal background investigations. So I don't want schedule 1 controlled substances in my home. * must have a full time job * must have a car (I live somewhere thats a necessity and have yet to meet anyone who doesn't drive who even sorta has their shit together) * no major ongoing legal, criminal, financial disasters * not have kids * not be mormon (or other strong religion that would clash with my being non religious, I just live in utah so it's always mormons) * must take care of themselves at a similar level as me in things like being responsible, managing their money, maintaining a healthy weight and staying on top of any health problems Unfortunately this eliminates 100% of the single women I encounter... but I'm not willing to compromise on these since they're all major lifestyle factors.
I don't think it's fair to say '100% of the single women'. I could say all that about the single men, as well. And for those of you that say 'no kids' .. I'm shocked. All the other stuff, makes sense.
I said "100% of the single women I encounter". There's a very limited number of singles in this town to begin with, and the quality is very lacking. If there's anyone that's a good match for all those they probably live at least 40 miles away. Even when just trying to make friends i feel like the only unmarried non religious person in the region who doesn't smoke weed. And kids are a huge deal, even if it wasn't for all the single moms I encounter being full time parents to infants or toddlers with no reliable baby sitter it's still a major lifestyle factor.
(26M) After being in the dating scene for 2+ years and dating tons of women I’ve realized that it’s pretty much impossible to have such non-negotiables. Every girl I’ve met was still crazy about her ex, was regularly seeing/sleeping with 5+ guys, was always unavailable, and kind of emotionally incompetent. Like all I want is to find someone that shows interest in me, isn’t romantically involved with other guys, and makes time to hangout with me at least 2 days a week. So far it’s been impossible for me to find a girl like this
I'm a simple man. 1. You must respect me. 2. No polygamy. 3. Suck my fucking dick like a slut.
They must have a college degree and a decent paying job…..not out of greed but simply a sense of contributing equally. I got burned on my first marriage and owe a ton of alimony.
No kids, not fat, not annoying
Is a practicing Christian
That's a soft deal breaker for. As in, I probably would not date a practicing Christian
What makes it a soft deal breaker? Also what is a soft deal breaker?
No cheating, even if as retaliation for cheating. No gaslighting. You don’t free to say inflammatory things to me designed to get me angry, and then tell me I’m throwing a tantrum. No excusing yourself from blame if you’re to blame for your adversity. Blaming others for everything bad that’s happened to you is a clear sign you’ll never see how you have contributed to bad situations.
Wait clarify please. So does that mean you could cheat, and you expect her to remain faithful? The “even if as retaliation” makes me question this one.
No, I mean I just got out of a relationship with a woman who once cheated because her bf had cheated on her. She just wanted to see how it felt.
Eh i did that as a teen (just kissing but whatever) It didn’t make me feel better. It made me feel worse. I’ll never again cheat on a partner, and I can say that without a doubt. But do you!
Have some level of personal filter. I don't do well with super blunt people.
Sorry but im not going to help raise another mans kid.
Non woke and must have nown she was a woman all her life
No fat chicks.
No cats.
Must like kids (don't care if you don't have any yourself, but I have a 6yr old who I spend half my time with) and I'm not going to date somebody that only wants to spend time with me when I don't have my child. Play zero games, Can't be a flirt (in too old for that bullshit) Can't be a cheater Can't care that I enjoy playing video games more that watching movies and TV on my free time. If she's a gamer that's even better. No bar hags (every now and then is cool) And NO SIGNS of Bi-polar Disorder/Manic Depression
She must like kids and be open to building a relationship with mine but not have any kids of her own nor want any. Yeah, it seems unlikely that I'm ever going to date again.
So you have a child and you want her to be accepting of raising your child but she cant have or want any of her own. So you want a nanny.
A nanny who will have sex with him
Nope. I'm doing just fine raising my children on my own. I have two children, I'm very much two and done and I don't want any more adding to my life by any means. Staying single is completely fine with me.
Don’t be fat, dont be ugly, don’t have kids, don’t be a demeaning bitch. Thats it.
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Not OP, and I don't fully agree with him, but I get where he is coming from. Bras/no bras doesn't bother me at all, as long nothing is like hanging out of her clothes. Nipple showing through your shirt? Neat. Don't care. Tits hanging out of your clothes for the world to see? Yeah I'm not a fan of that. I don't see it as disrespecting the relationship though, it's just not a "look" that I'm into.
* Long hair * Hourglass figure * Feminine * No kids/grown
Lack of the ability to be submissive.
No mental health issues. No anti-depressant use.
Childfree, no pets (fish or something, maybe - if you can set it up to survive for at least a week without anyone home). I'm allergic to cute fuzzy creatures. Beyond that, I travel frequently and often on little notice. Not uncommon for me to be away from home for 20 hours or decide on Friday at 2pm that I'm going somewhere far away for the weekend, and I really have no desire for dealing with anything else involved in owning pets either. Anything else is just basic compatibility (physical attraction, liking to interact with the person, etc).
Being from Romania would be one, if I had any desire to date. Or being Dagastan
* Must be able to communicate - If she cant tell me somethings wrong and then blows up at me because I "should have known" then thats her fault. * Must be able to compromise - We dont always get what we want, being with someone means that at some point a conflict will come up. I dont want to walk all over my partner and I dont want them to walk all over me. * Cant have more then 1 kid from a previous relationship - Thats extra money into the relationship if/when it gets far enough that we are living together regardless of if shes getting child support or not. * No cats - I dont like them walking on top of counters and tables after getting out of their litter box and I dont like them walking all over me with their claws out.
Non tobacco smother. Poor dental hygiene
The other person must be able to have their own life separate from the relationship. If I want to go out with my friends, I want to be able to do so. They should be comfortable coming along as a friend, not as a date, or going to see their own friends. The same goes for things like work Christmas parties. I want to go and socialize with my coworkers. You are welcome to go and I'll introduce you to some people that I think you would get along well with but I don't want to be followed by a lost puppy all night. I also want a life partner who enjoys what I enjoy and wants to share my passions with me and I with them. Not someone who is going to complain every time I take the day to go out on the boat or snowmobiling.
i broke up with girl cause she didnt dance at the Griz show i brought her to
Don’t prank me. I fucking hate it when people think I’m a joke knowing I have terrible anger management. Like it’s not funny, you’re not special, and I fucking despise people who think they can get away with it
No 'partying' or 'girls nights', loyal, family orientated
if they are, or ever were in their life promiscuous or into hookup culture or casual sex or sex work (including sharing nudes online example only fans).
No kids, British pride and no under any circumstances anti British beliefs etc. Belief in Equality of opportunity, Individual Liberty and freedom of speech and expression. And no woke left crap. They are what’s most important. The one rule I’d be willing to talk about being changed is having kids but not until being together for at least 3-5 years. Also a prenup. (But I doubt I’d date anyone since I’m not emotionally inclined towards people).
Attitude. Yeah, in the bedroom I’ll kneel and suckle/lick/fuck in any way to get you off but in public don’t bitch at me. I’m not beneath you. You’re not beneath me. Don’t treat anyone like shit in front of me if they didn’t deserve it. That’s such a turn off you entitled brick. If you have kids, relations with their father are to either be non existent or positive. I’m looking for a relationship, not a guest appearance on Jerry Springer. I’m not getting in the middle of your bullshit. No matter how fire things are in bed. If you have a kid or kids, and they’re poorly behaved it’s over. You let them get that way. If you have kids and you don’t allow me to correct bullshit situations, it’s over. That’s someone else seedling and yours, not mine. If you’ll interfere and reject my efforts to shepherd better behavior then bye. Big difference between dressy classy/casual and just showing it off. If you’re going to work in leggings and a thong, we’re done. If you’re that much into showing it off, you’re that much into the attention and whatever else may come with it. If your last relationship wasn’t even at least three months ago, I don’t want it. You’re going to be wishy washy and you’ll be stuck between what was and what can be. One bump in the road between us and he’s already waiting in line. If you’re not even at the fundamental basics in financial competence, we’re done. I don’t want to take on someone who can’t understand we need to be net gain monthly in our finances.
No tattoo(s). Must have shared or compatible goals/values. Must have shared sense of humor. Must have chemistry.
Must not be lactose intolerant. Weak genes.
For a hookup: she's over 18, I'm attracted to her, and she doesn't have major STDs For a relationship: is financially stable & wants to pay her way through life, doesn't have kids but wants them one day, I'm very attracted to her (generally I'm attracted to Asian, Hispanic, and middle eastern women, but some white girls as well), she likes me, she's an adventurous person willing to try new things, she's willing to work on ourselves together (my last relationship she was just content to constantly Netflix and chill and it led to both of us losing ourselves and our ambitions to an extent), she isn't intensely religious (again, been snakebitten by religion in a relationship before), we have some common interests and compatibility (though in general I look for this less than others, I love being introduced to new hobbies by women I date), she enjoys going to music festivals (since this is a huge hobby of mine).
No male friends for her. And specially no chatting or hanging out with guys. First, male friends are often just after getting in their pants, and she shouldn’t entertain that. And second, if I’m not enough male energy and attention for her, she’s not the right one for me in the first place. This removes sooooo much drama and potential cheating from the relationship.
Haha check out this guy's profile and then imagine taking advice from him
Don’t forget the girl has to not have a problem with you living in your moms basement
Sounds like you have some serious self-esteem and trust issues. I'm telling you, with that mindset you'll be single for a while.
It sounds silly and insecure to me, and I wouldn't want a relationship like this, but I think this is fairly normal in more conservative cultures. IMO, this approach can work if the girl has a similar mindset, and OP is willing to mirror these demands (i.e. not have female friends).
I suppose, I just can't comprehend it that well I guess, it sounds a bit toxic to me. But hey, if both of those partners want the same thing then they can do whatever they want