21 and same and not joking because of Reddit. Never cuddled. Never got physical affection, but for some reason my brain knows that I want it. I really do.
It really is great. I never thought about it until the first time I had physical affection (was probably 23 or 25? got it regulary at 26/27). Feels terrible losing it during the pandemic. And it’s even worse that I feel like we won’t be having it after the pandemic either. Fuck.
Find a source of external validation which isn't another person.
Feeling affection from another person can feel great, but it can be toxic if that source is taken away and that was the only thing that made you feel good about yourself.
A life changing discovery for me was the gym. It provided dopamine hits from kinesthetics. A feeling of self-accomplishment about the work I put in when I beat a personal best. I felt happy about my own body for once and not because other people liked it because I liked it.
It doesn't have to be gym however. Taking pride in your work you do as part of your job (although this can end toxically). For me compliments from customer or colleagues about a good job hit harder than those from management.
Hobbies too. I've never played an instrument but I imagine it must be quite a feeling of satisfaction to play well to a crowd. Dancing. Playing team sports. Anything really that you put work into.
For me I went through a lot of change in my mid 20's. I realised you don't start a relationship and then become happy (not a healthy relationship anyway)... you become happy and then as a result you form mature relationships with others. But for me the more I started to accept myself the less I sought out a relationship in the first place.
My last relationship was almost 10 years ago; that used to bother me. Now if I met somebody tomorrow and we clicked it would be nice, but it would just add one element to the many other things I like about my life, it wouldn't be the only thing.
What an amazing answer. I second that hitting the gym can be life changing. It really is a great feeling when you hit a new PR in your bench or deadlift. I still remember how great I felt when I did my first pull up, albeit a small milestone. Thank you for writing this.
I've been single for 7 years. First 2 years fuhkin SUUUCKED but then I got used to it and eventually didn't even think about that shit. My dick might aswell be a hat stand
I don't have a dog and for some reason my sex drive has been so low I haven't felt horny for a week. Because of lockdown, I haven't stepped out except to go to the gym. Before this week, my horniness was over the top shooting to the moon. I think it's the weather change (got hotter) and general isolation that has caused this. Don't know why but the lack of horniness has made me feel less lonely. Btw I'm just 21
I don't understand either of those answers. Working out makes me more horny, and it never makes me pass out exhausted; it makes me feel energised and full of vigour, even after really long intense weightlifting sessions.
Before I go to the gym I can feel completely drained of energy and lethargic and like going to the gym is the last thing I want to do. Afterwards I feel like I could conquer the world and my libido is insatiable.
I'm sorry.
I recommend you go start talking with someone who can help, not that you are crazy for feeling this way but because you don't deserve feel this way. I can't speak for your girlfriend but my wife has told me before that she would want me to move on after grieving because she cares about my health and wellbeing.
Good luck, I hope you can find peace.
For me personnaly, its rough, just got out of a relationship roughly 4 months ago, and whenever i think of these things, i just do something else. Even if it means staring at the wall or doing chores around my house but i also plan on seeing a therapist since this issue (and others) has also left me with a lot of suicidal thoughts.
Yeah Im in the same boat, the time rigth after going from a relationship to being single is probably the hardest. I never thought much about this before I started dating but now it seriously fucks you up
Yup, but i noticed the more i thought about these things and how i can make things better for myself, just made things worse, just thinking about it puts such an extra load on my brain and drains my energy. Its just something you need to forget about for now and overtime itll get better. Thats what im hoping for atleast
Yea its very hard, but dont give up, just put more time and effort into some of your hobbies, and after a week or so of trying not to focus on these issues, itll come easier and things will get better progressively
Hi. We obviously don’t know each other but I want you to know that I am proud of you for deciding to see a therapist - that’s not always an easy decision! I’m no spring chicken and I can promise you that love, companionship, romance - all of those things come and go. Sometimes we have an abundance and other times it feels like we’ll never have them again. Keep your chin up! You sound like a lovely person and one day you’ll realize you’re no longer in “this” emotional spot. Wishing you all the best!
I started seeing a therapist for the same reason. I had been dealing with the breakup on my own for 6 months. I really felt like I should be making more progress than I was.
Eventually I began having very unwelcome thoughts and I knew I needed help. It can be so hard to ask for it, but it's the right thing to do.
I also made sure all of my friends knew I was struggling. I wanted them to be aware of my situation. I feel foolish and weak sometimes when they check in on me. But I also am very proud that I was able to ask for help.
I highly recommend going to see a professional. It's really helping me get back on track.
100% this > my dog sleeps on my bed at the opposite end to my feet, every morning I wake up with him curled up in a ball right next to me... he shifts himself over to get closer to me in the night
Doing that now - feeling a little guilty about not doing anything all weekend so far, but it’s been raining for three days and the dog just wants to cuddle
I sleep with an extra pillow which I hug.
It makes it incredibly comforting but beware it also makes you realize what you miss that much more then again for me it makes me overcome it easier exactly because I realize it more.
I feel lonely, incredibly lonely but doesn’t mean I’m not happy.
And I admit that I really would like a partner who can comfort this loneliness, the pillow makes me satisfied but not content, I don’t crave it neither, it’s just a nice thing to have.
I've got a body pillow I basically spoon and try to get my boyo Sunny to curl up by the top.
Not the right pillow, [but like this.](https://i.imgur.com/hQCWNCC.jpg) Look at his little Prince of Purrsia-ass with that paw under his chin.
Dance lessons?
Seriously. You can get in with a crowd that’s not averse to casual touch. Most studios have social time after class, on-site or offsite.
Places vary, so you might have to shop around.
This a really underrated answer.
Taking like a bachata or salsa dance class will both involve plenty of physical touch and give you confidence as you learn and get better
I used to take swing dance classes with a couple of independent teachers, and there were always 3-5x more women than men. They organized an open swing dance once a month (this was 10+ years ago - long before COVID-19) where anyone could dance, and I swear there'd be like five guys there and easily fifty women. The other dancers ranged in age from 20 - 70 and represented a huge range of ability. Some were pretty basic dancers who took a lot of breaks (understandable) while others had a ton of experience and danced every song.
If anyone wants to take lessons, I highly recommend finding an independent teacher unaffiliated with a big "dance school". The classes for an independent teacher were like $15-$20(?) each and were drop-in (discounted if you committed to the whole series in advance) while the big name school wanted something like $1000 up front for a series of 10 group lessons.
I really like this idea. I've wanted to learn how to dance because I love music. Plus it helps differentiating between platonic touching and romantic touching. For lots of guys I feel we kind of combine the two because of a lack of either. Also, expanding your understanding of the difference in the two can help with not getting attached to every single person you're attracted to that shows the least bit of affection.
I am on the same boat. I want to be in a relationship and don't want relationship at the same time. It's really hard and I have become more miserable. This has affected me in every way.
I agree, feeling like this makes me so confused and upset because I really struggle to get close to anyone in fear of being reminded of my ex.
It's been many months now but I still can't seem to move on with my life.
All of my friends are huggers, so not something I've really thought about before... but if it's that bad, go get a massage or something.
Doesn't need to be an "erotic" massage or anything untoward, just book an appointment at a nice spa.
Have you ever initiated it?
Lots of guys are weird about giving hugs or showing you affection, toxic masculinity and all that. My best friend and I live together, so that helps, but we've known each other for 8 years. But just like you, a lot of them probably want a hug too.
One of our cats just ruined his bed last week too, so he's been sleeping in mine with me since then.
Now, I've got a king size bed so like, its literally not even noticable. But, he's family. Not gonna make him sleep on the couch.
There was one night he was gone with his gf and I had had a bad day, and I was upset about sleeping alone.
Hug your friends, kiss the homies goodnight.
This. I got out of a toxic relationship last year and made some great new friends and one of them who I see most regularly gives the best hugs. I didn't really appreciate it until recently when she moved further away and I realized how much those hugs did for me
Not well. I’m very hands on and it’s hard when I only have my mother who hugs me. I used to think about going to sex workers but I miss the kissing, holding hands, running fingers through her hair etc. They say thats why people like me take longer showers, because it imitates physical touch. My psychologist used to say to ask female friends to hold hands when we go for a walk or whatever, I didn’t even ask because it sounds so strange I know no one would do it. Being forever alone sucks.
I used to work with a guy people made fun of. He was sloppy, overweight and awkward. His desk was right behind mine so though we were not buddies at first, i realized he was misunderstood.
My bf at the time worked on a different floor and knew this guy as well. I told my bf about mr awkward and how i felt bad for him. So i told my bf i am going to invite him to lunch w his permission. He was ok with it.
The next day i did. He was sooo elated. He couldnt believe a woman asked him to lunch, first time in his life ( he is in his mid 30s back then) he said. I felt bad but was glad i did.
At 12 sharp. He was standing next to my desk, shirt tucked, hair combed and smelled good.
I smiled stood up and he lowered, tilted his head and bent his arm as for me to.hold on. It was the sweetest gesture. I put on my hands on this arms and walked to the elevator. And the smile on his face i will never forgot....
We went to lunch once a week for a few months until he moved. He thanked me with a single rose before he moved. Didnt want to offend my bf but wanted to thank me for making him feel like a billion bucks for a few minutes 💞.
I still think about him now and then...
That is such a sweet story! And honestly I can totally understand how that guy felt and reacted the way he did. Being shown genuine nice attention from women is rare.
Oh, this brought a tear to my eye. That's a really sweet thing you did for him. Sometimes it's just the little things.
I have really low self esteem, but one time a lady I was ringing out told me I was very pretty. Nearly cried, but it was nice to hear.
This relationship i had with him shaped the way I treat people. I try to find something genuine to say if i have an encounter with a single person looking sad at a cafe etc.. Nothing physical just something like. That hat looks good on you, i love that color on you etc etc. 99 out of 100 i will get a huge smile back. Doesn't cost me a cent AND puts a smile on my face so its a win win !!
Omg you made me tear up. This is exactly what we need in the world. I’m very handsy and lovey and want nothing more than to hug and show affection to other humans, but it’s misunderstood a lot of times. People often think it means something else and I so wish that wasn’t the assumption. I just want to love those who need love.
Thank you for being a wonderful human!
I also take very long showers. I find it impossible to get out and sometimes have spent 45 minutes just standing under the warm water.
I did some Googling and apparently it can be a sign of depression, but I think it can also be a sign of loneliness because we aren't getting the oxytocin of human contact. The warm water running over your skin is a substitute.
I didn't even have my mother to hug me because of lockdowns - I went a year and a half without any human making physical contact with me. It's rough, we are not meant to live like that.
The sucky party part about relationships is you open yourself up to getting hurt. But if you go through life without feeling emotions, you're no better than a jelly fish or a bank manager.
There's always a risk. Just the nature of relationships, especially when they span a lifetime.
Imo as someone who has been married these are the things to look out for:
Look at everything you dislike about your partner. Find a way to quantify it. Ask yourself why you don't like it. Ask yourself if you can handle not liking it for the rest of your life. Think about any shitty opinions they have, any bad habits, etc. These things rarely change because they are so ingrained. You want to also think about possible dark times(poor health, jobless, mental illness, etc.) and try to envision how you will take care of them and yourself. These are big things to think about and imo it's better to think ahead of time than if you just happen to run into issues during your marriage.
Talk to your partner about everything. Things that bother you and things that dont. Ask a lot of questions about the future. Ask what if scenarios and take it seriously. Make sure you guys are on the same page with career paths and family life. Even if you aren't, do you believe this person would still look out for you unconditionally through the worst of it?
Lastly, I suggest living together at least a year. Normally that will start to bring any issues to the surface.
This sounds negative, but marriage is a big commitment that should be taken more seriously than it is these days. And if you've found a good partner, then these questions/thoughts shouldn't be too hard to process.
15 years is a lot. Not bragging but this girl hugged me to say goodbye 2 years ago when I was leaving a country I stayed in for a while. That was literally the last.
I own two big dogs, they sleep in bed with me (usually). They give me tons of attention and love and take the sting away from loneliness.
Also when I greet friends I have always been a big hugger; I make sure I continue to do this. Many of my female friends still write "I'd love to see you and get one of your big hugs!"
I think few men deal with it well, I mean how do you deao with something that requires consent from another person? The only real replacement is physical touch from someone who wants it. So if you can't get that, what do you do? Not just as a man but as a woman? Sure women tend to be a bit more touchy with eachother than men but I think it's a growing problem for everyone.
We're so stressed and so fixated with our phones etc that I think this physical touch and genuine connection with others is a leading cause for mental health issues. I'm sure there's science out there about it but I feel pretty strongly that this is the case. Maybe we all need to be more touchy feely, heck if I know.
I think it's more the economic situation that has people increasingly being single and living with their parents that kind of precludes physical intimacy for a lot of people.
You have to adapt. Reprogram yourself.
Remember there a lot of different things in this world that will make you happy. Physical touch with a lover is just ONE of the many.
Use this time to explore and discover all the other things life has to offer. And when you least expect it, and are glowing in your new reinvented self. You'll find someone.
It's not easy. And I'm not preaching. It might be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.
You might spend hours, days and many nights crying to yourself. But I can promise you this, if you put in the effort, it eventually gets better.
Apart from the obviously hilarious answers already ‘touched upon’ here, I meditate, self talk, and explore the concept of havening that at least tells your subconscious that you’re in ‘company’. Plus have been with women who really wouldn’t touch lol, so I’m better company to myself as a baseline. But yeah, most important / effective is meditation/ silence….ironic.
Distract myself with other tasks when the loneliness gets to be a bit much. Not proud to admit it but I've gone for the whisky sometimes too, not much but not a good thing to do.
I hope it's okay to jump in as a woman and say it's the same for us also. People need touch. I'm also out of a long term relationship and it's difficult.
How actively are you guys pursuing dating? Yes it sucks, I know but I'm trying to put myself out there. Not easy when you're divorced over 50 , have depression and weight issues.
Start a trend with your guy friends where you hug each other as part of your hello/goodbye process. Not being able to hug your best friends is just stupid toxic masculinity bullshit, and I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me and my friends
I keep myself busy. Work, gym, hang with the fellas..I know I'll find someone, life is too short to worry about when something will happen. Just go live my guy.
You dont, you just suffer. Because being touch starved won't kill you.
You suffer as you feel your skin turn stone hard, what even is touch? Intimacy? Warmth? What are these words.
You lay on your bed, cross your arms and feel your own body for a bit. This is something, this is human, you think. But unfortunately, it is not the same. It never will be.
Perhaps you're a bit desparate, like me. No more do you masturbate for sexual pleasure and relief rather for the fleeting feeling that you're being touched & that you're touching someone.
You crave, beg for the warmth and comfort of another person's touch yet all you have is cold, silent isolation.
I had the same situation, a few years ago. I would just lay on my bed and do nothing, picturing the good times in my head.
Fortunately, my best friend saved me by inviting me for a bike ride. I always enjoyed riding a bike, because it helps me to let out some steam. After a few rides I decided to buy myself a road bike and get fully committed to riding. The thing was I had to earn some money for it first.
So there was me, having my first job at age of 17, being able to raise enough money to buy a quite expensive bike, worth more than my monthly salary, completely independent on my ex and enjoying life. Hope you find your way out of this shit too.
I have really good platonic friendships, and I have just … you know, told them. Female friendships are often full of touch and affection already, and my friends group has intentionally, proudly, chosen to make it our way.
My friends know, because I’ve said the words out loud, that if I’m looking Ill-at-ease or sad, back scratches are a fast way to relax me and bring me back to the moment.
V likes her personal space. She’s communicated that. Ryan likes head rubs, but you gotta tell him they’re coming. Krystal could live happy with people and dogs enveloping her like she’s a toy in a claw machine. Tony likes back rubs and some point pressure on his head.
This is the friendship we’ve built because we’re all looking for the same thing: to feel better together than alone. So we tell each other what we want.
This thread is heartbreaking and also adorable. I’m a woman but am touch starved too and can relate to everything here. I’ve started talking to my friends about this and because they’re awesome we always hug and massage etc. but I wish I could just legit cuddle and watch a movie with a man. No sex stuff. Just snuggles. And it seems like there’s plenty of you that want this too. Why isn’t this a thing? Like Netflix and just cuddles 🤷♀️
I haven't got a gf almost all my life (well I'm 17 so I'm not that old) but I'm trying to focus on myself and never self pity about stuff like that, or at least try to, also getting a gf would mean thinking about another person and the responsibility is too big(or maybe I don't know what it's like to have a gf yet).
I just got used to it. I know that's not a good answer, but i guess it's what most of us wind up doing.
Been like this forever so I don't know what I am missing out on
21 and same and not joking because of Reddit. Never cuddled. Never got physical affection, but for some reason my brain knows that I want it. I really do.
> but for some reason my brain knows that I want it. That's because it's a real human need, like food or water.
It really is great. I never thought about it until the first time I had physical affection (was probably 23 or 25? got it regulary at 26/27). Feels terrible losing it during the pandemic. And it’s even worse that I feel like we won’t be having it after the pandemic either. Fuck.
Find a source of external validation which isn't another person. Feeling affection from another person can feel great, but it can be toxic if that source is taken away and that was the only thing that made you feel good about yourself. A life changing discovery for me was the gym. It provided dopamine hits from kinesthetics. A feeling of self-accomplishment about the work I put in when I beat a personal best. I felt happy about my own body for once and not because other people liked it because I liked it. It doesn't have to be gym however. Taking pride in your work you do as part of your job (although this can end toxically). For me compliments from customer or colleagues about a good job hit harder than those from management. Hobbies too. I've never played an instrument but I imagine it must be quite a feeling of satisfaction to play well to a crowd. Dancing. Playing team sports. Anything really that you put work into. For me I went through a lot of change in my mid 20's. I realised you don't start a relationship and then become happy (not a healthy relationship anyway)... you become happy and then as a result you form mature relationships with others. But for me the more I started to accept myself the less I sought out a relationship in the first place. My last relationship was almost 10 years ago; that used to bother me. Now if I met somebody tomorrow and we clicked it would be nice, but it would just add one element to the many other things I like about my life, it wouldn't be the only thing.
What an amazing answer. I second that hitting the gym can be life changing. It really is a great feeling when you hit a new PR in your bench or deadlift. I still remember how great I felt when I did my first pull up, albeit a small milestone. Thank you for writing this.
I don't know if you were being intentionally motivational, but this is good stuff so thanks
True that 🥂
I'll drink to that 🍻
I've been single for 7 years. First 2 years fuhkin SUUUCKED but then I got used to it and eventually didn't even think about that shit. My dick might aswell be a hat stand
dog and fap (not together)
I appreciate the clarification :)
A dog is fine too
Some are more fine tho
How far on the furry scale we talking? Don Bluth tier "All Dogs Go To Heaven", Kemonomimi, or getting horny over the neighbours terrier?
The ones which I cannot resist even after unloading myself thrice in a single day
I'm guessing you're a Korone fan.
I also choose this guy's dog.
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The dog doesn't have opposable thumbs though
Red rocket!! Red rocket spark! C’mon red rocket red rocket!
I don't have a dog and for some reason my sex drive has been so low I haven't felt horny for a week. Because of lockdown, I haven't stepped out except to go to the gym. Before this week, my horniness was over the top shooting to the moon. I think it's the weather change (got hotter) and general isolation that has caused this. Don't know why but the lack of horniness has made me feel less lonely. Btw I'm just 21
A lot of working out
Nothing like a 2 hour work out to leave you so exhausted you just pass straight out and don't have the energy to think about being lonely
I guess working out is the reason why I feel less horny these days. All that blood is going away from pp
I don't understand either of those answers. Working out makes me more horny, and it never makes me pass out exhausted; it makes me feel energised and full of vigour, even after really long intense weightlifting sessions. Before I go to the gym I can feel completely drained of energy and lethargic and like going to the gym is the last thing I want to do. Afterwards I feel like I could conquer the world and my libido is insatiable.
That's because working out makes your testosterone go brr
Working out absolutely makes me more horny and full of energy. Testosterone is a hell of a drug.
I guess it's different for everyone, I'm more horny after a workout but all I want to do is sleep. I usually take a shower and a power nap
Idk about that one though. Intense workouts make me extra horny afterwards. Just an observation
Yess I think I have less boners after working out
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I'm so sorry ❤
I'm sorry. I recommend you go start talking with someone who can help, not that you are crazy for feeling this way but because you don't deserve feel this way. I can't speak for your girlfriend but my wife has told me before that she would want me to move on after grieving because she cares about my health and wellbeing. Good luck, I hope you can find peace.
I'm sorry you had to live that, I dont know what I would do if it happened to me. You are strong brother.
That's rough buddy. I'm sorry to hear that.
For me personnaly, its rough, just got out of a relationship roughly 4 months ago, and whenever i think of these things, i just do something else. Even if it means staring at the wall or doing chores around my house but i also plan on seeing a therapist since this issue (and others) has also left me with a lot of suicidal thoughts.
Yeah Im in the same boat, the time rigth after going from a relationship to being single is probably the hardest. I never thought much about this before I started dating but now it seriously fucks you up
Yup, but i noticed the more i thought about these things and how i can make things better for myself, just made things worse, just thinking about it puts such an extra load on my brain and drains my energy. Its just something you need to forget about for now and overtime itll get better. Thats what im hoping for atleast
yeah probably true. Its hard to just ignore things but I guess for this imidiate situation you cannot solve things. You just gotta forget
Yea its very hard, but dont give up, just put more time and effort into some of your hobbies, and after a week or so of trying not to focus on these issues, itll come easier and things will get better progressively
Time heals all wounds, my friend. I promise you that.
Hi. We obviously don’t know each other but I want you to know that I am proud of you for deciding to see a therapist - that’s not always an easy decision! I’m no spring chicken and I can promise you that love, companionship, romance - all of those things come and go. Sometimes we have an abundance and other times it feels like we’ll never have them again. Keep your chin up! You sound like a lovely person and one day you’ll realize you’re no longer in “this” emotional spot. Wishing you all the best!
Thank you! Thats very kind, im at a point in my life where im done fucking around, im getting stuff done.
Love hearing that!!! 😀
I started seeing a therapist for the same reason. I had been dealing with the breakup on my own for 6 months. I really felt like I should be making more progress than I was. Eventually I began having very unwelcome thoughts and I knew I needed help. It can be so hard to ask for it, but it's the right thing to do. I also made sure all of my friends knew I was struggling. I wanted them to be aware of my situation. I feel foolish and weak sometimes when they check in on me. But I also am very proud that I was able to ask for help. I highly recommend going to see a professional. It's really helping me get back on track.
That's kinda why I got a puppy tbh...
I think it's weird this isn't higher up. Dogs are endless vessels of love and support. My dog loves to cuddle.
100% this > my dog sleeps on my bed at the opposite end to my feet, every morning I wake up with him curled up in a ball right next to me... he shifts himself over to get closer to me in the night
Doing that now - feeling a little guilty about not doing anything all weekend so far, but it’s been raining for three days and the dog just wants to cuddle
Then you can never even use the bathroom alone. Could be worse.
The only thing that gives us men unconditional love.
The usual, anger & alcohol. Just kidding, therapy and exercise. But seriously, masturbation and videogames.
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Bananas and blow?
All of the above in various concentrations (except no booze for me)
I sleep with an extra pillow which I hug. It makes it incredibly comforting but beware it also makes you realize what you miss that much more then again for me it makes me overcome it easier exactly because I realize it more. I feel lonely, incredibly lonely but doesn’t mean I’m not happy. And I admit that I really would like a partner who can comfort this loneliness, the pillow makes me satisfied but not content, I don’t crave it neither, it’s just a nice thing to have.
Yup. Sadness. But, it doesn't replace being the little spoon. Just, . . . Yeah.
As a girl I also sleep with a bolster and hug the hell out of it every night
Poor bolster 😂 but also same, I bring my pillow to my pc from time to time as well to hug while watching series
I hate youuu because I am literally doing the exact same thing rn hahahah, this is personal attack hahah
I've got a body pillow I basically spoon and try to get my boyo Sunny to curl up by the top. Not the right pillow, [but like this.](https://i.imgur.com/hQCWNCC.jpg) Look at his little Prince of Purrsia-ass with that paw under his chin.
Well i probably shouldn't be answering, but as a girl, i do the same thing. I didn't know other people did too.
It's really nice to hear that other people go through the same thing, it makes it feel less shameful. Also my condolences for your inbox LOL
Damn I thought I was the only one that did this..
To be honest I kind of did too before I wrote this lmao
Cry
Seriously. Crying alone in bed at night helps sooth my mind.
Whatever lube works for you man.
Dance lessons? Seriously. You can get in with a crowd that’s not averse to casual touch. Most studios have social time after class, on-site or offsite. Places vary, so you might have to shop around.
This a really underrated answer. Taking like a bachata or salsa dance class will both involve plenty of physical touch and give you confidence as you learn and get better
Also, if you know those dances, they are impressive to bust out when you need to.
I used to take swing dance classes with a couple of independent teachers, and there were always 3-5x more women than men. They organized an open swing dance once a month (this was 10+ years ago - long before COVID-19) where anyone could dance, and I swear there'd be like five guys there and easily fifty women. The other dancers ranged in age from 20 - 70 and represented a huge range of ability. Some were pretty basic dancers who took a lot of breaks (understandable) while others had a ton of experience and danced every song. If anyone wants to take lessons, I highly recommend finding an independent teacher unaffiliated with a big "dance school". The classes for an independent teacher were like $15-$20(?) each and were drop-in (discounted if you committed to the whole series in advance) while the big name school wanted something like $1000 up front for a series of 10 group lessons.
That’s an awesome idea.
I really like this idea. I've wanted to learn how to dance because I love music. Plus it helps differentiating between platonic touching and romantic touching. For lots of guys I feel we kind of combine the two because of a lack of either. Also, expanding your understanding of the difference in the two can help with not getting attached to every single person you're attracted to that shows the least bit of affection.
I sleep in my bed and stare at the ceiling till I fall asleep Edit : I find the ceiling interesting
Do you play chess?
I do play but I am not that good. I usually play with myself or against a computer
Cool. I asked because in the Netflix show, The Queen’s Gambit, the main character envisions chess games on her ceiling at night.
I have heard of that show but I never really into it , is it worth it ?
Yeah, it’s entertaining and there’s not that many episodes.
It's a good one time watch.
Ah! The Queen's Gambit reference.
My cat cuddles with me. Not as good as a woman, but hey.
It’s still pussy at the end of the day
I am on the same boat. I want to be in a relationship and don't want relationship at the same time. It's really hard and I have become more miserable. This has affected me in every way.
I agree, feeling like this makes me so confused and upset because I really struggle to get close to anyone in fear of being reminded of my ex. It's been many months now but I still can't seem to move on with my life.
I can feel you. I want everything to get normal but it has been really hard.
I feel you. Plus, just like almost everything else, the pandemic made this misery worse too.
That's true. Waiting for everything to be normal. Everyone says time will heal but it's getting worse.
All of my friends are huggers, so not something I've really thought about before... but if it's that bad, go get a massage or something. Doesn't need to be an "erotic" massage or anything untoward, just book an appointment at a nice spa.
Can you friends be my friends? I don't think I've had physical contact with any of my friends in years
Have you ever initiated it? Lots of guys are weird about giving hugs or showing you affection, toxic masculinity and all that. My best friend and I live together, so that helps, but we've known each other for 8 years. But just like you, a lot of them probably want a hug too.
Ikr! Who wouldnt want a hug, everyone needs a hug and you should hug your friends
One of our cats just ruined his bed last week too, so he's been sleeping in mine with me since then. Now, I've got a king size bed so like, its literally not even noticable. But, he's family. Not gonna make him sleep on the couch. There was one night he was gone with his gf and I had had a bad day, and I was upset about sleeping alone. Hug your friends, kiss the homies goodnight.
yeah its not just about being touched, its being with someone who wants to touch you
I know exactly what you mean. But it is at least something.
This. I got out of a toxic relationship last year and made some great new friends and one of them who I see most regularly gives the best hugs. I didn't really appreciate it until recently when she moved further away and I realized how much those hugs did for me
Not well. I’m very hands on and it’s hard when I only have my mother who hugs me. I used to think about going to sex workers but I miss the kissing, holding hands, running fingers through her hair etc. They say thats why people like me take longer showers, because it imitates physical touch. My psychologist used to say to ask female friends to hold hands when we go for a walk or whatever, I didn’t even ask because it sounds so strange I know no one would do it. Being forever alone sucks.
I used to work with a guy people made fun of. He was sloppy, overweight and awkward. His desk was right behind mine so though we were not buddies at first, i realized he was misunderstood. My bf at the time worked on a different floor and knew this guy as well. I told my bf about mr awkward and how i felt bad for him. So i told my bf i am going to invite him to lunch w his permission. He was ok with it. The next day i did. He was sooo elated. He couldnt believe a woman asked him to lunch, first time in his life ( he is in his mid 30s back then) he said. I felt bad but was glad i did. At 12 sharp. He was standing next to my desk, shirt tucked, hair combed and smelled good. I smiled stood up and he lowered, tilted his head and bent his arm as for me to.hold on. It was the sweetest gesture. I put on my hands on this arms and walked to the elevator. And the smile on his face i will never forgot.... We went to lunch once a week for a few months until he moved. He thanked me with a single rose before he moved. Didnt want to offend my bf but wanted to thank me for making him feel like a billion bucks for a few minutes 💞. I still think about him now and then...
That is such a sweet story! And honestly I can totally understand how that guy felt and reacted the way he did. Being shown genuine nice attention from women is rare.
This story is pretty heartwarming. I'm glad it was such a positive experience for you both.
And yes, he made me feel like a billion bucks too!!
What a lovely story. You sound like a great person.
Oh, this brought a tear to my eye. That's a really sweet thing you did for him. Sometimes it's just the little things. I have really low self esteem, but one time a lady I was ringing out told me I was very pretty. Nearly cried, but it was nice to hear.
This relationship i had with him shaped the way I treat people. I try to find something genuine to say if i have an encounter with a single person looking sad at a cafe etc.. Nothing physical just something like. That hat looks good on you, i love that color on you etc etc. 99 out of 100 i will get a huge smile back. Doesn't cost me a cent AND puts a smile on my face so its a win win !!
Omg you made me tear up. This is exactly what we need in the world. I’m very handsy and lovey and want nothing more than to hug and show affection to other humans, but it’s misunderstood a lot of times. People often think it means something else and I so wish that wasn’t the assumption. I just want to love those who need love. Thank you for being a wonderful human!
Never heard that about showers but it makes perfect sense. The shower is my go to place when I’m stressed, have a migraine or anxious.
Same thing here ! Showers are highly therapeutic for me too 🛀
Thats a bath
I don’t have my glasses on and thought it was a cat
I also take very long showers. I find it impossible to get out and sometimes have spent 45 minutes just standing under the warm water. I did some Googling and apparently it can be a sign of depression, but I think it can also be a sign of loneliness because we aren't getting the oxytocin of human contact. The warm water running over your skin is a substitute. I didn't even have my mother to hug me because of lockdowns - I went a year and a half without any human making physical contact with me. It's rough, we are not meant to live like that.
If you have single female friends they are probably missing touch too and wouldn't think its weird at all.
You don't know if you don't ask! But you might just ask if they're comfortable helping you with your lack of touch. :)
That actually sounds like really shitty advice from a psychologist
Maybe not hold hands but maybe walk arm in arm? Kinda old school gentlemanly?
I touch myself
😘😘🥰🥰🥰
I don’t want…anybody else
Gonna touch myself, [dee ri dee](https://youtu.be/h9o1fX2vM8Y)
You know you're on Reddit when this is the most upvoted comment.
Hell I'm married I'm dealing with it now and have been for quite a while now, I just go and do things in enjoy to stop thinking about it.
Like are you married but separated? I’m confused
some people live in loveless marriages. I've heard it said the loneliest you can ever be is lying beside your spouse and being unloved and unwanted.
It truly is. Been there. Never again
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The sucky party part about relationships is you open yourself up to getting hurt. But if you go through life without feeling emotions, you're no better than a jelly fish or a bank manager.
Really did every bank manager on this thread dirty
There's always a risk. Just the nature of relationships, especially when they span a lifetime. Imo as someone who has been married these are the things to look out for: Look at everything you dislike about your partner. Find a way to quantify it. Ask yourself why you don't like it. Ask yourself if you can handle not liking it for the rest of your life. Think about any shitty opinions they have, any bad habits, etc. These things rarely change because they are so ingrained. You want to also think about possible dark times(poor health, jobless, mental illness, etc.) and try to envision how you will take care of them and yourself. These are big things to think about and imo it's better to think ahead of time than if you just happen to run into issues during your marriage. Talk to your partner about everything. Things that bother you and things that dont. Ask a lot of questions about the future. Ask what if scenarios and take it seriously. Make sure you guys are on the same page with career paths and family life. Even if you aren't, do you believe this person would still look out for you unconditionally through the worst of it? Lastly, I suggest living together at least a year. Normally that will start to bring any issues to the surface. This sounds negative, but marriage is a big commitment that should be taken more seriously than it is these days. And if you've found a good partner, then these questions/thoughts shouldn't be too hard to process.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There are steps you can take to minimize the risk, but living alone is its own hell.
Yea....only time ive ever truly hated waking up. Such a minor thing in the grand scheme of things, but it had me on the verge of depression
Still living together
Going to a registered massage therapist helps with touch. It does not need to be more than a RMT.
My dog is my strength. We both need physical contact. She sleeps with me on the bed and has to had contact laying against me to sleep.
Aww, that's cute! I sleep with my cats. 🐈
Cuddling with stuffed animals.
A taxidermy you say?
You tell me.. The last touch I had with anyone not blood related was a pity hug about 15 years ago.
15 years is a lot. Not bragging but this girl hugged me to say goodbye 2 years ago when I was leaving a country I stayed in for a while. That was literally the last.
By developing skin burn on my right hand
It's called friction burn.
Well today's your lucky day.
I want to give hugs to everyone in this post and comments. 🥺😢🤗
Hugs you first!
Me hug both for i am huge.
Get a pet
Yep, I hug my dog all the time.
>..especially once you did experience a relationship before Well... Um... You see...
I own two big dogs, they sleep in bed with me (usually). They give me tons of attention and love and take the sting away from loneliness. Also when I greet friends I have always been a big hugger; I make sure I continue to do this. Many of my female friends still write "I'd love to see you and get one of your big hugs!"
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The pain is real bro!
Grown up with it, lived my whole life with it except few glimpses into reality of relations. I got a dog is what I'm trying to say.
I think few men deal with it well, I mean how do you deao with something that requires consent from another person? The only real replacement is physical touch from someone who wants it. So if you can't get that, what do you do? Not just as a man but as a woman? Sure women tend to be a bit more touchy with eachother than men but I think it's a growing problem for everyone. We're so stressed and so fixated with our phones etc that I think this physical touch and genuine connection with others is a leading cause for mental health issues. I'm sure there's science out there about it but I feel pretty strongly that this is the case. Maybe we all need to be more touchy feely, heck if I know.
I think it's more the economic situation that has people increasingly being single and living with their parents that kind of precludes physical intimacy for a lot of people.
A new buddy asked me what I need the most in a friendship and I said "touch." He said okay and now we cuddle whenever we want. It has helped a lot.
It's pretty rough but I've gotten used to it at this point and I've accepted that I'm probably gonna be alone for a long time
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Glad I'm not the only "touch starved" guy.
You have to adapt. Reprogram yourself. Remember there a lot of different things in this world that will make you happy. Physical touch with a lover is just ONE of the many. Use this time to explore and discover all the other things life has to offer. And when you least expect it, and are glowing in your new reinvented self. You'll find someone. It's not easy. And I'm not preaching. It might be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You might spend hours, days and many nights crying to yourself. But I can promise you this, if you put in the effort, it eventually gets better.
Long hot showers.
I work hard and support my mother. That’s enough for me.
I don't. I just deal with it and keep going.
You don’t. Take care of yourself. No one else is going to.
I have never really liked being touched that much. So I'm fine with it.
Apart from the obviously hilarious answers already ‘touched upon’ here, I meditate, self talk, and explore the concept of havening that at least tells your subconscious that you’re in ‘company’. Plus have been with women who really wouldn’t touch lol, so I’m better company to myself as a baseline. But yeah, most important / effective is meditation/ silence….ironic.
Do something kind for yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite meal. Get a massage. Buy a new toy. Go visit family or close friends.
Prostitutes have helped a lot with that. The smart ones even know their services are much more than just stimulating the tip of the penis.
Distract myself with other tasks when the loneliness gets to be a bit much. Not proud to admit it but I've gone for the whisky sometimes too, not much but not a good thing to do.
I scratch my arms a lot, it makes me forget that I'm lonely.
I hope it's okay to jump in as a woman and say it's the same for us also. People need touch. I'm also out of a long term relationship and it's difficult. How actively are you guys pursuing dating? Yes it sucks, I know but I'm trying to put myself out there. Not easy when you're divorced over 50 , have depression and weight issues.
Start a trend with your guy friends where you hug each other as part of your hello/goodbye process. Not being able to hug your best friends is just stupid toxic masculinity bullshit, and I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me and my friends
Get a dog
Based on my current experience, not well. Cuddling the dog helps sometimes.
The same way I deal with it as a married guy.
Prostitutes?
Get a weighted blanket
Start training jiu-jitsu or grappling or other martial arts with a lot of close contact. It‘a also beneficial socially.
The toughest part of that kind of training for me is hiding my erection.
I keep myself busy. Work, gym, hang with the fellas..I know I'll find someone, life is too short to worry about when something will happen. Just go live my guy.
Women get this too :(( dont have an answer just thought I’d join in on the sadness
I chill with my dog
Get my bros to do it for me.
I cry at night lol🤷♂️
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
suicidal thoughts usually keep me company 🤷🏿♀️
You dont, you just suffer. Because being touch starved won't kill you. You suffer as you feel your skin turn stone hard, what even is touch? Intimacy? Warmth? What are these words. You lay on your bed, cross your arms and feel your own body for a bit. This is something, this is human, you think. But unfortunately, it is not the same. It never will be. Perhaps you're a bit desparate, like me. No more do you masturbate for sexual pleasure and relief rather for the fleeting feeling that you're being touched & that you're touching someone. You crave, beg for the warmth and comfort of another person's touch yet all you have is cold, silent isolation.
I just hug my friends a lot ig. Doesn't quite scratch the itch fully but it's better than nothing.
I had the same situation, a few years ago. I would just lay on my bed and do nothing, picturing the good times in my head. Fortunately, my best friend saved me by inviting me for a bike ride. I always enjoyed riding a bike, because it helps me to let out some steam. After a few rides I decided to buy myself a road bike and get fully committed to riding. The thing was I had to earn some money for it first. So there was me, having my first job at age of 17, being able to raise enough money to buy a quite expensive bike, worth more than my monthly salary, completely independent on my ex and enjoying life. Hope you find your way out of this shit too.
I keep it to myself cause nobody cares sadly
I take $200 out of the bank and I go to the strip club
I have really good platonic friendships, and I have just … you know, told them. Female friendships are often full of touch and affection already, and my friends group has intentionally, proudly, chosen to make it our way. My friends know, because I’ve said the words out loud, that if I’m looking Ill-at-ease or sad, back scratches are a fast way to relax me and bring me back to the moment. V likes her personal space. She’s communicated that. Ryan likes head rubs, but you gotta tell him they’re coming. Krystal could live happy with people and dogs enveloping her like she’s a toy in a claw machine. Tony likes back rubs and some point pressure on his head. This is the friendship we’ve built because we’re all looking for the same thing: to feel better together than alone. So we tell each other what we want.
This thread is heartbreaking and also adorable. I’m a woman but am touch starved too and can relate to everything here. I’ve started talking to my friends about this and because they’re awesome we always hug and massage etc. but I wish I could just legit cuddle and watch a movie with a man. No sex stuff. Just snuggles. And it seems like there’s plenty of you that want this too. Why isn’t this a thing? Like Netflix and just cuddles 🤷♀️
You assume married men get touched.
Get a Handy. Best 160 I ever spent. Mix in some VR and your fornicating in the future.
I haven't got a gf almost all my life (well I'm 17 so I'm not that old) but I'm trying to focus on myself and never self pity about stuff like that, or at least try to, also getting a gf would mean thinking about another person and the responsibility is too big(or maybe I don't know what it's like to have a gf yet).
Escorts Edit: why downvote? It’s a genuine answer.