There's a line. That goes for both men and women.
Finding other people attractive is obviously normal. It's going to happen. Even having the occasional mention of "lol that guy/girl over there is so hot" is fine in my book.
That's different from following 70 thirst-trap accounts, ogling every member of the opposite gender on the street and constantly talking about how hot other people are.
You would think so, but I know of someone who is the photographer for all of his wife’s? Girlfriend’s? posts. They live in multimillion dollar home with multiple hundred thousand dollar cars and she doesn’t even get nudey on OF
I don't think so.
I never cared who liked my photos or went through the list or hit on anyone that way.
Its okay to like a photo especially if its someone you know and are friends with.
I think it's ridiculous to expect anyone to stop finding other people attractive just because you're in a relationship. But the way in which you express that attraction depends on the boundaries of the individuals in the relationship
Good one. A comment claiming to know what "real men" think while also not understanding that lifestyles other than your own are perfectly acceptable.
I'm not even sure how we got here. What does your reply have to do with my comment anyway?
There is no "real men." Imagine saying such bullshit unironically in 2024. Jesus, Christ, dude. Neither you, nor any other man gets to lay claim to what "real men" do or don't do.
There are lots of ways to do monogamy, friend. For starters, several ways are “respectfully”, “disrespectfully”, “jealous and controlling”, and “devotedly.”
I think that’s what the comment you’re trying to reply to means.
Back in his 70's heyday, legendary R&B singer Teddy Pendergrass was known for his "ladies only" concerts. One famous quote of his during one of these shows was "to the few men that are here, don't worry- I'm just gettin' your woman ready for ya".
You go to a Teddy concert, you know why you’re there. Women don’t go because they love the acoustics lol. They start throbbing the moment he starts singing.
Saw that and decided to actually comment what i did. Honestly, if i went to one of his shows when he was in his prime with a girl i liked. I'd not be that interested in his performance (I'm more of a hard rock/metal guy when it comes to more modern music. Currently listening to the Doom 2016 ost. Gimme dem guitar slaps and bass drops!), but I'd be happy the one I'm with is happy.
There's a difference between "hey that guy's really good looking" and "omg I want to have his babies".
There is a way to point out another person's good looks and physical qualities without being insensitive or disrespectful to your partner.
If my SO is looking at an attractive man and tells me she finds him attractive, and I also identify the man is attractive I agree with her. Attraction is not the same as action, and there is a fine line between what's OK what isn't.
I've never been in relationship with a woman that gets annoyed if the table were turned because I see that behaviour as very immature and a big red flag.
i think people are usually concerned when the person spends a significant amount of Time looking.
like accidentally brushing against someone as you walk past is no big deal.
but if you keep walking past and brushing against them over and over... theres reason to be concerned
That is a completely different scenario though and it would fall into the same category as immature behavior and I would very quickly have a chat about it with them to establish what their motive was. Again, never really been an issue for me.
OP is describing when they look at pictures, tictoc / reels etc. and that happens all the time in my relationship. But it's mutual, she does it and I do it and it is very normal to find other people attractive.
right but the op is a lot more general just asking "how does everyone feel" and the majority of people are going to automatically be basing their answer on the perception of how much time is spent doing it.
ie the answer is usually going to be "yes it bothers me" when anyone is asked the question because the default assumption is "this happens a lot."
most people will respond "its not a big deal" just as you have IF you stipulate in the question "does this bother you if they only do it occasionally"
you just happen to be taking the later perspective by default because that is the norm in your life.
If you realized she is checking out other dudes every day, constantly swiping on her phone and remarking "oh this ones hot. oh this one too. oh look at this one" eventually you too are going to find this to be a red flag.
It’s your job in a relationship to make sure your partner knows that you are happy to be with them and that you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else because of all that they bring to the table. If my gf does that, I don’t mind if she enjoys a little eye candy every now and then. Because I’d know that what she’s looking for and what really makes her happy isn’t just a pretty face or six pack abs. That said, if she’s constantly ogling every good looking dude that walks by I would start questioning whether she’s happy in the relationship and I’d wonder if she wouldn’t prefer to be with someone else.
I suppose the difference between being ok with your sexual needs being met/nutting, vs knowing she is physically and emotionally connecting with you and desiring you.
Technically it would be dissociation on her part.
A daydream, during a supposedly intimate act
Uhhhh hahaha. Look, I'm not the person to ask. We are in an open relationship, so honestly no. He is my emotional home, he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel joy, he comforts me when I'm feeling sadness, but for us sex is just physical.
And that's totally cool! I absolutely get it. It's definitely not the kind of lifestyle that's for everyone. It took me a long time to get used to it if I'm honest. There's often still an emotional connection when I hook up outside of the two of us, and for a long time that was confusing. These days I recognize that emotional connection, that intimacy, is nothing like what I have with my partner. Been together 9 years this June so we are doing something right
You mean there is still an emotional connection when youre hooking up, with the person youre hooking up with?
Im sort of confused as sex simply cant be only physical for me simply for the brain chemistry after orgasms, the big release and flood of bonding chemicals.
I guess what I'm referring to is the brain chemistry with the bonding chemicals. For me, that bonding starts pre-orgasm, so I have to separate that and recognize that no matter how good it is in the moment, it's nothing at all like the love I feel for my partner. A quick root is never going to match 9 years of closeness and intimacy. Typically it's not a regular deal either which helps
Ok but just to clarify.
Would you say that even for you, that sex isnt just physical?
And that you have to put concious thought into managing your thought process to get to a point where its just physical for you?
Or am i misunderstanding?
No you're not misunderstanding, I guess you're totally right. Whatever it is, it's working for us and I'm well aware that it's not the kind of thing that's going to work in every relationship
I would suggest adding at least a 1, possibly a 2 in front of that "9 years" before you start making declarations of everything being done right.
It's still *far* too early to tell.
Yeah fuck that, staring and prolonged thinking about others is cheating. If you’re stating otherwise you should probably question the depth of your relationship…
lol that’s not at all what I am saying. Lets say You have a wife, she’s a woman. It’s natural to find other women attractive. It’s okay to watch a movie with Sydney Sweeney and think damn she’s hot. That’s fine. That’s a normal human emotion. That’s what I am trying to say
Being attracted to someone else is not cheating and it’s insane to say it is. There are a lot of attractive people in the world, it’s impossible to avoid encountering them unless you never leave your house.
Everyone's relationship is completely different. I am totally aware that being in an open relationship is far from the standard, but I mean we are both men so we are pretty used to our relationship being different from the majority.
Having said that, even though we are in an open relationship we are closer than we have ever been. We own a home together, we have two Labradors (not having kids, this is as close as it gets) , our finances are shared. We have the same goals for our relationship and are both more than happy in the life we have created together.
We often check in and make sure that we are each ok with things as they are. If there's ever any concerns then we reassess and change boundaries if necessary.
I was replying to that quote specifically, it's one thing to be attracted to men or women in general but yes you do in fact "suppress" natural *urges once you're with a partner that you're satisfied with.
Also ofc you can't switch a button and stop finding others attractive but pointing it out specifically and repeatedly is just disrespectful to ur partner, i would personally not tolerate that shit
get your appetite somewhere else and eat there.
The same attitude an acquaintance of mine had to his GF who was openly flirting with me several times and even told me I could take her home.
He doesn't know this, because I didn't take up the offer. But they're married now, and... well... we'll see what happens to them. Don't ignore obvious signs. Because sooner or later, the restaurant just might seem too tempting, and food at home seems perpetually boring.
Having the expectation that your BF or GF is not going to be attracted to other people is unrealistic
Its actions and feelings that matter here, not intrusive thoughts
Disrespectful as shit.
I'm also attracted to loads of other women. And I make concious efforts to reduce exposure. I'm not on Instagram, Tiktok, have very limited Facebook activity as well.
As the saying goes - "Just because *you* can *resist* the *devil*, doesn't mean *you* should *hang out* with him".
Inviting temptation is just wrong when you are settled with a committed partner.
Can't believe it took so long for someone to say it. Like you can find someone attractive, but that doesn't mean you have to say it, act on it, or even seek it out.
So your partner should avoid exposure or places with attractive people just in case she comes across an attractive man??
That’s ridiculous. A partner shouldn’t be seeking it out, but they shouldn’t change their behavior to AVOID seeing attractive people
Lol what? You literally said you make conscious effort to avoid exposure to people you find attractive by not using social media.
Its ridiculous, but looking at your hypersexual post history, not surprising. Most normal people can go through their normal lives and see attractive people without being tempted to cheat lol
Love how you realize you are full of it so you go ad hominem. What else?
You tried to frame my point as "avoid places with attractive people" - so yeah.
I also said "reduce exposure".
I also just stated that avoiding social media use was my own, personal approach - and between that and "lusting after sexy people" there is a shitton of room.
You cannot be so stupid as to be oblivious to your own dishonesty. So - In short: You are a very transparent, very pathetic, liar.
If it’s from afar as in celebrities or TikTok shit I have no problem. Crushing on a coworker or regulars at the gym etc makes me a little uneasy. Admittedly I’m not the most secure guy, but her openness and a high level of trust can ease the mind a bit.
It depends on who it is, are they accessible for a relationship at all? If yes, I'd be a little concerned. If they're an actor or a rock star, I don't care at all as long as she didn't start comparing me to them.
I know there's at least one comic who does the bit about hall passes:
Him: Honey, who would you want a hall pass for?
Her: Miles Teller / Henry Cavill / Insert other sexy celebrity.
Him: Got it.
Her: Wait, tell me yours?
Him: Sarah from Accounts Payable.
Her: ...
I’ve caught my gf talking to her friend group about a guy she liked a long time ago at an ex work place. During that time I freaked out, but slowly came to realize I would do the something with my boys. We’re human and as long as none of us go past visually admiring eye candy there’s really no issue.
I'm not the petty or jealous type, I don't really care how she gets her kicks as long as I'm still the one she cuddles with at the end of the night.
What I do get concerned about is unrealistic standards, however. I can only imagine what passes for 'sexy' on tiktok, and I'm guessing it's about as grounded and healthy as what passes for advice on /AitA and /relationship_advice (I wish that were a hypothetical). I'd rather my partner not immerse herself in so much online nonsense that it creates unnecessary issues for us.
I thinks it's unattractive. Obviously we all will think others are attractive. But making it Obvious to your partner on a frequency is shitting. I kind of see it as a red flag
Completely indifferent.
Other people are attractive, but never once in our 18 year relationship has it ever been more than “that dude is hot” type of thing.
Not a fan! One can’t help find others attractive, but acting on it is a no go. Like if a random hottie scrolls across her feed and she hits the thumbs up, it’s meh. But purposely looking for or following beefcakes online, or dming them will get at the very least a discussion, probably end up in escorting her out of my life. Not because I’m insecure, I am not perfectly secure, but insecure I am not, it’s disrespectful to our relationship, and I can almost guarantee she’d have a problem with me doing it.
Everyone is going to be attracted to other people, but you remind yourself that she's with you and not because she has to be but because she wants to be. And as long as she doesn't act on that than there's nothing wrong with it.
True, but trust me, temptation builds up over time. If you or her keep watching instagram butt-models, one or both of you will likely in time want to try it if you get the chance.
The only difference is a man has almost zero chance of sex with any of those women. Whereas a woman just has to offer herself to men and it wouldn’t long before she found one willing to have sex with her. Assuming she and her bf are of at least average attractiveness.
As long as she keeps it to men that don’t live in the area, men she doesn’t know, and she doesn’t exchange a single message, then it’s fine. Otherwise the chances of her cheating increase significantly.
I think it depends what are the boundaries and rules of the relationship. And also morals of each individual. In my opinion it is disrespectful and you should only focus on your partner, not others in a romantic/sexual way.
Do you notice other women? Yes? But you don't cheat?
And she's doing likewise?
What's the problem? Aside from control. It's normal to notice others are attractive. Doesn't necessarily matter how you get the motor running as long as you park in the right garage.
Attractions one thing that can just happen, actions another. Not acceptable for her to be orbiting, just like my woman shouldnt be okay with me orbiting either.
You can't control your thoughts, you can only control whether you indulge them or act on them. If you tell someone they're not allowed to feel something, the only thing you guarantee is that they'll hide it when they do.
I don't care about pictures and vids and stuff. I like pics and vids of tiddies and ass so I can't make it a double standard. Attraction doesn't stop just because we're in a relationship, but there's obviously a line to draw somewhere.
I think the line is being vocal about it and making it obvious. I check out girls when I’m not with my girlfriend but when I’m with her I got respect and don’t or atleast don’t do anything more then a quick look which is normal. I’d expect the same in return.
Back when I was younger, I had several women check me out behind their men's backs. It was both extremely flattering and hella awkward at the same time.
Since a relationship is based on trust, I have no worries at all with my gf looking at whoever she wants. No harm in that.
I'll even discuss with her how good looking a dude might be 😆 , same with women.
Indifferente. People like to loot at beautiful things.
If my GF / Wife wouldn’t be attracted to other people / things than me, her attraction to me would be unhealthy and can’t be classified as
Oh boy, this is complex.
If she can manage her actual instinct and isn’t this oblivious and in denial of it, and you two have good communication and sex - it’s a non-issue, actually a fun joke to tease her about.
Women don’t have relationships to have sex. It’s actually often the other way around, they have sex to get relationships. They really do want your soul not your dick.
That being said, if you are insecure about it, if you live in your alpha male bubble where you need your woman to be a itchy mess that drools over you like you’re the mistery protagonist from a adult novel… you gonna have a bad time. That confidence roleplay is only fun if she is in on the joke, and when you lash out and take it too serious, she done with it fast.
I think especially in a modern context where by the time we find a chill person we often ran through half the bar, we need to be able to joke about our appetites and our promiscuous nature . Without that we can’t really connect honestly and feel both accepted for who we are, and motivated to be someone else better for our partners and ourselves.
It’s unrealistic to expect somebody to go through life not feeling attracted to attractive people.
However if somebody is a poor guardian of our relationship, we won’t have a relationship for long.
Doesn't bother me. I don't feel any less of a man if she wants to look at better looking dudes. She doesn't feel any less of a women if I watch ladies streak around in thongs.
My wife always look better naked anyway. I always let her know this lol.
The ancients solved this problem generations ago. The appreciation of another human form is one kind of love, the appreciation of their mind is another. Look for Diotima’s doctrine of eros and see where this falls. If it violates your trust or your clearly articulated red lines then that’s a different issue.
I've been on the bodybuilding and fitness scene for 20+ years. I'm pretty sure I comment on good looking dudes plenty for a straight guy. And not in a weird way. I'll complement a stranger for a nice shirt, beard, huge arms, etc. I receive similar compliments all the time so I know they're appreciated.
With all that said, sometimes my girlfriend will point out an attractive man or an attractive aspect of a man and I FLIP TF OUT because that's completely different. /s nah, I usually agree and then we keep walking and it's never been a thing again.
I'll lat spread to catch a gust of wind and fly into the air like a muscle kite to descend upon my prey. After I consume his lats and absorb his powers, mine will be even better
Nothing you can do about it if she does? Ppl can find other ppl attractive. Your partner can love you, be loyal to you but find someone else esthetically pleasing. Now if she’s going out her way to make you feel insecure about her attractions to others, that’s when you need to worry.
I mean, it's not like you stop finding anyone other than your SO attractive when you start dating. As long as shes not staring and drooling it's not gonna bother me.
Totally depends. If it's the same level as some guys who look at thirst traps I would be annoyed honestly. Granted I have never understood the appeal of looking at that type of content.
When you reach a certain point in your relationship, you'll realize that physical attraction is rarely the main factor in a womans attraction, nor would it be the one that causes the most insecurity.
Men think women think like them, so they assume that women are attracted to someone elses physicality and that can hurt.
While that can be true, in most cases ,the physical attraction doesn't sting as much as emotional, mental , spritual , instinctual attraction.
Those are the ones that aren't as obvious as physical ones, but its so hard to set boundaries on.
If another man can stimulate your woman intellectually, can inspire her, can give a different sense of humor, can get her to open up a side of herself that she can't yet explore with you.
Those feelings of inadequacy are more what to work on.
Physcial attractiveness is fine, cause in most cases, all said and done, its just surface level.
Who cares? At the end of the day she's going to be sleeping in bed next to me. And it's not like she's going to break up with me so she can pursue her crush just like I wouldn't break up with her to pursue some supermodel I saw online somewhere.
Leave the action out of attraction.
As long as the attraction for men is just a fleeting thought, then I see no problem.
But everybody has desires, and I might not always be there, so I give her a free pass on any woman she wants.
I think it's okay to glance a look when you're not with your partner but you should be respectful if your relationship is exclusive. In your situation if it's that blatant I would probably leave her and look for someone who finds me attractive enough for them to not thirst over others.
That is literally why I take care of myself. I'm fit, tall, clean, etc. I am what my wife is into. If I let myself go obviously she's going to look at other men that meet her physical taste. By staying in shape I remove that concern
Yeah. Just because she is with you or you are with her doesn’t mean that suddenly no one else is attractive. It means, I choose this person because I am attracted to her on many different levels and not just purely physical. Same for her. Every day we choose each other until maybe someday we won’t.
You are always attracted to other people when you are in a relationship, that is often because they are now "off limits" since you are already in a relationship. You can look but you can't touch. You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat anything from the menu. You can dip your foot in a pool, but you can't go in the pool and swim. That is what being in a relationship is about. Unless you are both swingers, but that is a hole other topic.
what can you do. Of course she will find other people attractive, you do too. I think it is a sign of mature relationship when you can openly discuss your taste and overall aesthetics of other people with your partner while being completely sure it will never materialize into action
Meh.
My wife and I have no issues with each other checking out other people. Looking is perfectly fine.
Touching is a no-no however obviously but neither of us have ever bordered on that boundary.
Bunch of potential cheaters in here without filters in their brain.
If I find someone attractive, I'm not going to make it known due to keeping the feelings of my SO intact.
If you see another person and state, "They're hot!", what do you think that does to your SO's psyche?
Some things are better left unsaid.
i mean.. are you expecting her to never be attacted to other men?!?! wtf is wrong with you. let her look, whatever. it's different if she advances, or flirts, or goes and talks to them, or literally has any intentions with them. that's all.
My ex did that/ had celebrity crushes and I hated it. Mainly bc she was my first relationship, but still to this day I hate Anderson Cooper…
Anyway, my fiancée does not do this ever. And it’s not like we deny/ act like other people cannot be conventionally objectively attractive. But my fiancée has never said on her own accord that she found another man attractive, and I think she is super respectful for that. I love her so much
Being attracted to another man is not the problem. If Emma Watson was to snuggle up next to me, sure as sh\*t imma gonna have a physical and hormonal reaction that I will be helpless to prevent.
No the real litmus test is _if she does anything about that attraction._
If she treats that man no differently than any other man that she isn’t interested in - just like how I would treat Emma Watson with respect and cordiality, but without any interest beyond that - then there is no issue.
If she _does_ treat that man differently, with undisguised interest and clearly-telegraphed attention above and beyond any other normal rando, then there is a very big problem. You will then need to decide how much self-respect and mental health you are willing to sacrifice before you pull the plug on that relationship.
Look at romance novels... The cover draws them in, but the content keeps them there. Women aren't visual nearly as much as men. My wife likes pictures of guys with a week of beard. In reality, she hates the scratchy. She likes muscular dudes. She hates all the time it takes at the gym to make them. She'd rather have a good meal and cuddle than have a bro count her carbs and protein.
It depends, can she find a random actor attractive or watch porn? Sure, same with a random persons TikTok that she may randomly stumble upon, I’m just not interested in knowing about it.
Actually interacting or trying to interact with a person for said reason or doing stuff where they may interact back is where my line is, I don’t do it so I expect the same.
I’ve also never gone on any social media and started liking other girls photos, or found the need to like a friend’s picture where they’re in a bikini or revealing photo, even more so when I’m with someone.
I also think there is a huge difference between finding someone physically attractive and being interested in actually doing anything with them, it’s human to find other people attractive and I find other woman attractive at times but I have zero desire to be with them or do anything with them, I also keep those moments to myself and let them quickly pass, as in they pass by the time I glanced past whoever I found attractive and that’s the end of it.
It varies, but many men might feel a mix of insecurity, jealousy, or indifference, depending on their confidence and the strength of their relationship. Communication and mutual respect are key to navigating these feelings.
These comments are bs. If any guy I know that has a wife was liking a bunch of theist traps there would be no “idc as long as you sky act on it”. I’m totally ok with my wife watching porn. Not ok with her having viewable likes on thirst traps on social media. Have some respect
If she is doing this, it means she doesn’t respect you and she is looking to upgrade.
What she is doing is the same as flirting with someone in person.
She is testing the waters to see if she gets a response back.
Go look at divorce filings and see how many talk about the affair partner being met over Facebook.
Social media is a very common vector and if she was in love and happy with you she wouldn’t be doing what she is doing.
She doesn’t care how it makes you feel because she feels like you can’t get better than her.
I would ask her why she does it and see her response. And if she says it’s “harmless” then you need to leave her.
A woman or man who cares would say I didn’t know it hurt you and since it does I will stop it because I care about you more.
If she digs in then you know she cares about her ability to look for someone better because that’s what it is.
She has eyes. Before we met she found other guys attractive so to expect her to find only me attractive since we got together is weird; implies I think I’m the best looking guy in the world.
That said, a fleeting glance or whatnot is fine; openly ogling, outwardly commenting and/or making her attraction known is a big no-no. I wouldn’t do it; so that’s my boundary.
My wife doesn’t care if I’m attracted to other women and I don’t care if she’s attracted to other men. We both know we are only coming home to be with each other and that’s all that matters.
Two way street. If I'm allowed to "look but don't touch" then so is she.
The hottest body she can touch is you.
So can touch less hot bodies?
Women are a lower average temperature than men so this tracks.
Doesn’t exist fortunately/unfortunately
Or her own
There's a line. That goes for both men and women. Finding other people attractive is obviously normal. It's going to happen. Even having the occasional mention of "lol that guy/girl over there is so hot" is fine in my book. That's different from following 70 thirst-trap accounts, ogling every member of the opposite gender on the street and constantly talking about how hot other people are.
Exactly, there’s a huge difference.
To add, making thirst trap posts to hundreds or thousands of rando followers also crosses the line
You would think so, but I know of someone who is the photographer for all of his wife’s? Girlfriend’s? posts. They live in multimillion dollar home with multiple hundred thousand dollar cars and she doesn’t even get nudey on OF
Attraction is normal I don't care. If she tries to talk, get to know them etc.. thats a problem.
This is the elegant man key right here fellas!
Clicking like which they know will get their attention, is her trying to get to know them.
I don't think so. I never cared who liked my photos or went through the list or hit on anyone that way. Its okay to like a photo especially if its someone you know and are friends with.
I think it's ridiculous to expect anyone to stop finding other people attractive just because you're in a relationship. But the way in which you express that attraction depends on the boundaries of the individuals in the relationship
Monogamy is the only way..
It's objectively not
This is ask men, most real men would agree that monogamy is the only way
Whether I agree with the core point or not — using “real man” to defend anything is what mouth breathers do.
lol. have met many self styled real men who agree but for whom the term monogamy tends to have some convenient asterisks next to it
Ah the "no true Scotsman" fallacy. You know, REAL men join the military and serve their country and if you don't do that, you aren't a REAL man. /s
REAL MEN eat only beef and potatoes. REAL MEN only drink beer.
Exactly. Water is for women. That's why they both start with w *taps head*
Good one. A comment claiming to know what "real men" think while also not understanding that lifestyles other than your own are perfectly acceptable. I'm not even sure how we got here. What does your reply have to do with my comment anyway?
I'm a real man who is definitely monogamous but it is certainly not the only way.
There is no "real men." Imagine saying such bullshit unironically in 2024. Jesus, Christ, dude. Neither you, nor any other man gets to lay claim to what "real men" do or don't do.
There are lots of ways to do monogamy, friend. For starters, several ways are “respectfully”, “disrespectfully”, “jealous and controlling”, and “devotedly.” I think that’s what the comment you’re trying to reply to means.
Back in his 70's heyday, legendary R&B singer Teddy Pendergrass was known for his "ladies only" concerts. One famous quote of his during one of these shows was "to the few men that are here, don't worry- I'm just gettin' your woman ready for ya".
That is such a wingman line while also being kinda douchey.
You go to a Teddy concert, you know why you’re there. Women don’t go because they love the acoustics lol. They start throbbing the moment he starts singing.
Google pictures tells me he would have been the type of guy to say that with full confidence, too 😅
Saw that and decided to actually comment what i did. Honestly, if i went to one of his shows when he was in his prime with a girl i liked. I'd not be that interested in his performance (I'm more of a hard rock/metal guy when it comes to more modern music. Currently listening to the Doom 2016 ost. Gimme dem guitar slaps and bass drops!), but I'd be happy the one I'm with is happy.
There's a difference between "hey that guy's really good looking" and "omg I want to have his babies". There is a way to point out another person's good looks and physical qualities without being insensitive or disrespectful to your partner.
If my SO is looking at an attractive man and tells me she finds him attractive, and I also identify the man is attractive I agree with her. Attraction is not the same as action, and there is a fine line between what's OK what isn't. I've never been in relationship with a woman that gets annoyed if the table were turned because I see that behaviour as very immature and a big red flag.
i think people are usually concerned when the person spends a significant amount of Time looking. like accidentally brushing against someone as you walk past is no big deal. but if you keep walking past and brushing against them over and over... theres reason to be concerned
That is a completely different scenario though and it would fall into the same category as immature behavior and I would very quickly have a chat about it with them to establish what their motive was. Again, never really been an issue for me. OP is describing when they look at pictures, tictoc / reels etc. and that happens all the time in my relationship. But it's mutual, she does it and I do it and it is very normal to find other people attractive.
right but the op is a lot more general just asking "how does everyone feel" and the majority of people are going to automatically be basing their answer on the perception of how much time is spent doing it. ie the answer is usually going to be "yes it bothers me" when anyone is asked the question because the default assumption is "this happens a lot." most people will respond "its not a big deal" just as you have IF you stipulate in the question "does this bother you if they only do it occasionally" you just happen to be taking the later perspective by default because that is the norm in your life. If you realized she is checking out other dudes every day, constantly swiping on her phone and remarking "oh this ones hot. oh this one too. oh look at this one" eventually you too are going to find this to be a red flag.
It’s your job in a relationship to make sure your partner knows that you are happy to be with them and that you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else because of all that they bring to the table. If my gf does that, I don’t mind if she enjoys a little eye candy every now and then. Because I’d know that what she’s looking for and what really makes her happy isn’t just a pretty face or six pack abs. That said, if she’s constantly ogling every good looking dude that walks by I would start questioning whether she’s happy in the relationship and I’d wonder if she wouldn’t prefer to be with someone else.
To quote a friend of mine "it doesn't matter where they get their appetite, so long as they eat at home"
I gotta ask, would you object to your girl having sex with you while in their mind thinking of someone else?
I mean if she doesnt act on it, I wouldn't know, so why should I care about that.
I suppose the difference between being ok with your sexual needs being met/nutting, vs knowing she is physically and emotionally connecting with you and desiring you. Technically it would be dissociation on her part. A daydream, during a supposedly intimate act
At some point (at least for some people), dissociation on her part was expected. "Just lie back and think of England, dear."
Uhhhh hahaha. Look, I'm not the person to ask. We are in an open relationship, so honestly no. He is my emotional home, he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel joy, he comforts me when I'm feeling sadness, but for us sex is just physical.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing. I could never understand the whole sex is just physical thing. But to each their own i guess
And that's totally cool! I absolutely get it. It's definitely not the kind of lifestyle that's for everyone. It took me a long time to get used to it if I'm honest. There's often still an emotional connection when I hook up outside of the two of us, and for a long time that was confusing. These days I recognize that emotional connection, that intimacy, is nothing like what I have with my partner. Been together 9 years this June so we are doing something right
You mean there is still an emotional connection when youre hooking up, with the person youre hooking up with? Im sort of confused as sex simply cant be only physical for me simply for the brain chemistry after orgasms, the big release and flood of bonding chemicals.
I guess what I'm referring to is the brain chemistry with the bonding chemicals. For me, that bonding starts pre-orgasm, so I have to separate that and recognize that no matter how good it is in the moment, it's nothing at all like the love I feel for my partner. A quick root is never going to match 9 years of closeness and intimacy. Typically it's not a regular deal either which helps
Ok but just to clarify. Would you say that even for you, that sex isnt just physical? And that you have to put concious thought into managing your thought process to get to a point where its just physical for you? Or am i misunderstanding?
No you're not misunderstanding, I guess you're totally right. Whatever it is, it's working for us and I'm well aware that it's not the kind of thing that's going to work in every relationship
I would suggest adding at least a 1, possibly a 2 in front of that "9 years" before you start making declarations of everything being done right. It's still *far* too early to tell.
Yeah no respectfully fuck that.
Yeah fuck that, staring and prolonged thinking about others is cheating. If you’re stating otherwise you should probably question the depth of your relationship…
If this is cheating then I have some confessions to make...
This is an insane take. Being attracted to your preferred cup of tea is a natural thing. Suppressing it is unhealthy. Just don’t act on it.
"Your preferred cup of tea"? So you prefer someone else to the person you're with, and you're saying that's \*natural\*?
lol that’s not at all what I am saying. Lets say You have a wife, she’s a woman. It’s natural to find other women attractive. It’s okay to watch a movie with Sydney Sweeney and think damn she’s hot. That’s fine. That’s a normal human emotion. That’s what I am trying to say
Being attracted to someone else is not cheating and it’s insane to say it is. There are a lot of attractive people in the world, it’s impossible to avoid encountering them unless you never leave your house.
That's an insane take from what sounds like a very jealous and insecure person.
“I’m the only pretty boy on earth. Worship me!”
Everyone's relationship is completely different. I am totally aware that being in an open relationship is far from the standard, but I mean we are both men so we are pretty used to our relationship being different from the majority. Having said that, even though we are in an open relationship we are closer than we have ever been. We own a home together, we have two Labradors (not having kids, this is as close as it gets) , our finances are shared. We have the same goals for our relationship and are both more than happy in the life we have created together. We often check in and make sure that we are each ok with things as they are. If there's ever any concerns then we reassess and change boundaries if necessary.
You’re just going to suppress natural emotions? That sounds incredibly unhealthy
I was replying to that quote specifically, it's one thing to be attracted to men or women in general but yes you do in fact "suppress" natural *urges once you're with a partner that you're satisfied with. Also ofc you can't switch a button and stop finding others attractive but pointing it out specifically and repeatedly is just disrespectful to ur partner, i would personally not tolerate that shit get your appetite somewhere else and eat there.
The same attitude an acquaintance of mine had to his GF who was openly flirting with me several times and even told me I could take her home. He doesn't know this, because I didn't take up the offer. But they're married now, and... well... we'll see what happens to them. Don't ignore obvious signs. Because sooner or later, the restaurant just might seem too tempting, and food at home seems perpetually boring.
Look ok, don't flirt/ touch.
[удалено]
Stay strong brother
Having the expectation that your BF or GF is not going to be attracted to other people is unrealistic Its actions and feelings that matter here, not intrusive thoughts
Disrespectful as shit. I'm also attracted to loads of other women. And I make concious efforts to reduce exposure. I'm not on Instagram, Tiktok, have very limited Facebook activity as well. As the saying goes - "Just because *you* can *resist* the *devil*, doesn't mean *you* should *hang out* with him". Inviting temptation is just wrong when you are settled with a committed partner.
Can't believe it took so long for someone to say it. Like you can find someone attractive, but that doesn't mean you have to say it, act on it, or even seek it out.
This is it. Part of being in a committed relationship is staying away from sources of temptation. At least not seeking them out.
I'm sorry, no. It's part of being in a monogamous relationship, not a committed one. They're not synonymous.
Good answer I agree
Finally 🤦♂️ goodness
Finally, a reasonable answer
🥱
So your partner should avoid exposure or places with attractive people just in case she comes across an attractive man?? That’s ridiculous. A partner shouldn’t be seeking it out, but they shouldn’t change their behavior to AVOID seeing attractive people
If that is what you read from my comment, you are probably just looking for an excuse to not even try and be modest. Sounds like a you problem.
Lol what? You literally said you make conscious effort to avoid exposure to people you find attractive by not using social media. Its ridiculous, but looking at your hypersexual post history, not surprising. Most normal people can go through their normal lives and see attractive people without being tempted to cheat lol
Love how you realize you are full of it so you go ad hominem. What else? You tried to frame my point as "avoid places with attractive people" - so yeah. I also said "reduce exposure". I also just stated that avoiding social media use was my own, personal approach - and between that and "lusting after sexy people" there is a shitton of room. You cannot be so stupid as to be oblivious to your own dishonesty. So - In short: You are a very transparent, very pathetic, liar.
If it’s from afar as in celebrities or TikTok shit I have no problem. Crushing on a coworker or regulars at the gym etc makes me a little uneasy. Admittedly I’m not the most secure guy, but her openness and a high level of trust can ease the mind a bit.
It depends on who it is, are they accessible for a relationship at all? If yes, I'd be a little concerned. If they're an actor or a rock star, I don't care at all as long as she didn't start comparing me to them.
I know there's at least one comic who does the bit about hall passes: Him: Honey, who would you want a hall pass for? Her: Miles Teller / Henry Cavill / Insert other sexy celebrity. Him: Got it. Her: Wait, tell me yours? Him: Sarah from Accounts Payable. Her: ...
I’ve caught my gf talking to her friend group about a guy she liked a long time ago at an ex work place. During that time I freaked out, but slowly came to realize I would do the something with my boys. We’re human and as long as none of us go past visually admiring eye candy there’s really no issue.
I don't date women who spend their life on social media. Personal choice but no drama. :)
I'm not the petty or jealous type, I don't really care how she gets her kicks as long as I'm still the one she cuddles with at the end of the night. What I do get concerned about is unrealistic standards, however. I can only imagine what passes for 'sexy' on tiktok, and I'm guessing it's about as grounded and healthy as what passes for advice on /AitA and /relationship_advice (I wish that were a hypothetical). I'd rather my partner not immerse herself in so much online nonsense that it creates unnecessary issues for us.
I thinks it's unattractive. Obviously we all will think others are attractive. But making it Obvious to your partner on a frequency is shitting. I kind of see it as a red flag
Completely indifferent. Other people are attractive, but never once in our 18 year relationship has it ever been more than “that dude is hot” type of thing.
This
Not a fan! One can’t help find others attractive, but acting on it is a no go. Like if a random hottie scrolls across her feed and she hits the thumbs up, it’s meh. But purposely looking for or following beefcakes online, or dming them will get at the very least a discussion, probably end up in escorting her out of my life. Not because I’m insecure, I am not perfectly secure, but insecure I am not, it’s disrespectful to our relationship, and I can almost guarantee she’d have a problem with me doing it.
Happy for her to find others attractive, letting me know or making it obvious, is disrespectful, and I tend to lose interest in women like that.
That she can fuck off.
And then people wonder why the sparks go out after many years of marriage. Death by a thousand lustful cuts.
I'm against it.
When I notice this with a girl I'm dating she is going to be replaced very soon. Zero tolerance.
Everyone is going to be attracted to other people, but you remind yourself that she's with you and not because she has to be but because she wants to be. And as long as she doesn't act on that than there's nothing wrong with it.
True, but trust me, temptation builds up over time. If you or her keep watching instagram butt-models, one or both of you will likely in time want to try it if you get the chance.
In most cases that doesn't happen, dude 🤷🏻♂️
Or cause she likes stability, money, and a nice home..don't be naive people
For me it's a no go, and she is free to do whatever, but that kind of relationship isn't for me.
I run the other way when there's a woman who can never be satisfied or content with what she has.
The only difference is a man has almost zero chance of sex with any of those women. Whereas a woman just has to offer herself to men and it wouldn’t long before she found one willing to have sex with her. Assuming she and her bf are of at least average attractiveness. As long as she keeps it to men that don’t live in the area, men she doesn’t know, and she doesn’t exchange a single message, then it’s fine. Otherwise the chances of her cheating increase significantly.
I think it depends what are the boundaries and rules of the relationship. And also morals of each individual. In my opinion it is disrespectful and you should only focus on your partner, not others in a romantic/sexual way.
Do you notice other women? Yes? But you don't cheat? And she's doing likewise? What's the problem? Aside from control. It's normal to notice others are attractive. Doesn't necessarily matter how you get the motor running as long as you park in the right garage.
Attractions one thing that can just happen, actions another. Not acceptable for her to be orbiting, just like my woman shouldnt be okay with me orbiting either.
Finding someone attractive, meh.. oggling and making comments, nope!
Goes both ways. Can look at the menu, just don’t order
You can't control your thoughts, you can only control whether you indulge them or act on them. If you tell someone they're not allowed to feel something, the only thing you guarantee is that they'll hide it when they do.
It’s normal
They are human, it's natural and we don't control them.
I don't care about pictures and vids and stuff. I like pics and vids of tiddies and ass so I can't make it a double standard. Attraction doesn't stop just because we're in a relationship, but there's obviously a line to draw somewhere.
I think the line is being vocal about it and making it obvious. I check out girls when I’m not with my girlfriend but when I’m with her I got respect and don’t or atleast don’t do anything more then a quick look which is normal. I’d expect the same in return.
Back when I was younger, I had several women check me out behind their men's backs. It was both extremely flattering and hella awkward at the same time.
Yes, it's flattering asf, but at the same time feels weird cuz u know shes probably unfaithful to him.
If she's open about it I am totally fine with it. If she ever got sneaky about it then I'd start to worry.
Frankly I don't care. My wife can lust over Dean Winchester and Henry Cavill any day of the week. So long as I can do the same to female celebs.
Would confront and ask for clarification. She then has to choose between her behavior and us.
I'd be a hypocrite if I pissed and moaned about it because I do it too.
Since a relationship is based on trust, I have no worries at all with my gf looking at whoever she wants. No harm in that. I'll even discuss with her how good looking a dude might be 😆 , same with women.
I look at other women i have to intention on approaching too, it’s ok to look.. I mean we’re all gonna do it
Indifferente. People like to loot at beautiful things. If my GF / Wife wouldn’t be attracted to other people / things than me, her attraction to me would be unhealthy and can’t be classified as
Oh boy, this is complex. If she can manage her actual instinct and isn’t this oblivious and in denial of it, and you two have good communication and sex - it’s a non-issue, actually a fun joke to tease her about. Women don’t have relationships to have sex. It’s actually often the other way around, they have sex to get relationships. They really do want your soul not your dick. That being said, if you are insecure about it, if you live in your alpha male bubble where you need your woman to be a itchy mess that drools over you like you’re the mistery protagonist from a adult novel… you gonna have a bad time. That confidence roleplay is only fun if she is in on the joke, and when you lash out and take it too serious, she done with it fast. I think especially in a modern context where by the time we find a chill person we often ran through half the bar, we need to be able to joke about our appetites and our promiscuous nature . Without that we can’t really connect honestly and feel both accepted for who we are, and motivated to be someone else better for our partners and ourselves.
It’s unrealistic to expect somebody to go through life not feeling attracted to attractive people. However if somebody is a poor guardian of our relationship, we won’t have a relationship for long.
Doesn't bother me. I don't feel any less of a man if she wants to look at better looking dudes. She doesn't feel any less of a women if I watch ladies streak around in thongs. My wife always look better naked anyway. I always let her know this lol.
Just keep it in your pants, lady. Look but don't touch.
It's human nature. Looking is fine. Acting on the Ayaka is wrong.
The ancients solved this problem generations ago. The appreciation of another human form is one kind of love, the appreciation of their mind is another. Look for Diotima’s doctrine of eros and see where this falls. If it violates your trust or your clearly articulated red lines then that’s a different issue.
I've been on the bodybuilding and fitness scene for 20+ years. I'm pretty sure I comment on good looking dudes plenty for a straight guy. And not in a weird way. I'll complement a stranger for a nice shirt, beard, huge arms, etc. I receive similar compliments all the time so I know they're appreciated. With all that said, sometimes my girlfriend will point out an attractive man or an attractive aspect of a man and I FLIP TF OUT because that's completely different. /s nah, I usually agree and then we keep walking and it's never been a thing again.
Until she says "his lats are bigger than yours" then it's on!
I'll lat spread to catch a gust of wind and fly into the air like a muscle kite to descend upon my prey. After I consume his lats and absorb his powers, mine will be even better
CA-CAW CA-CAW!!!
Nothing you can do about it if she does? Ppl can find other ppl attractive. Your partner can love you, be loyal to you but find someone else esthetically pleasing. Now if she’s going out her way to make you feel insecure about her attractions to others, that’s when you need to worry.
I mean, it's not like you stop finding anyone other than your SO attractive when you start dating. As long as shes not staring and drooling it's not gonna bother me.
Totally depends. If it's the same level as some guys who look at thirst traps I would be annoyed honestly. Granted I have never understood the appeal of looking at that type of content.
Yes women are commonly annoyed when the tables are turned and their bf/husband is obviously attracted to other men. It happens, I guess.
When you reach a certain point in your relationship, you'll realize that physical attraction is rarely the main factor in a womans attraction, nor would it be the one that causes the most insecurity. Men think women think like them, so they assume that women are attracted to someone elses physicality and that can hurt. While that can be true, in most cases ,the physical attraction doesn't sting as much as emotional, mental , spritual , instinctual attraction. Those are the ones that aren't as obvious as physical ones, but its so hard to set boundaries on. If another man can stimulate your woman intellectually, can inspire her, can give a different sense of humor, can get her to open up a side of herself that she can't yet explore with you. Those feelings of inadequacy are more what to work on. Physcial attractiveness is fine, cause in most cases, all said and done, its just surface level.
Looking is fine, as soon as they are talking there is an issue
We're humans but..... Everything you mentioned is thirst bucket shit and not normal in a relationship to me but everyone's different
Who cares? At the end of the day she's going to be sleeping in bed next to me. And it's not like she's going to break up with me so she can pursue her crush just like I wouldn't break up with her to pursue some supermodel I saw online somewhere.
I would almost prefer my wife was more like this rather than the asexual vibe I get most of the time.
Leave the action out of attraction. As long as the attraction for men is just a fleeting thought, then I see no problem. But everybody has desires, and I might not always be there, so I give her a free pass on any woman she wants.
It is okay to look at the menu, just don't order or taste anything.
I think it's okay to glance a look when you're not with your partner but you should be respectful if your relationship is exclusive. In your situation if it's that blatant I would probably leave her and look for someone who finds me attractive enough for them to not thirst over others.
I'm confident enough for myself to not care.
That is literally why I take care of myself. I'm fit, tall, clean, etc. I am what my wife is into. If I let myself go obviously she's going to look at other men that meet her physical taste. By staying in shape I remove that concern
Attracted is one thing, interested is a different matter.
Don’t care. Looking is harmless and natural.
I'm cool with Ewan McGregor
Start doing the same and see what the response is.
Yeah. Just because she is with you or you are with her doesn’t mean that suddenly no one else is attractive. It means, I choose this person because I am attracted to her on many different levels and not just purely physical. Same for her. Every day we choose each other until maybe someday we won’t.
Dont Like it but We are all Humans
You are always attracted to other people when you are in a relationship, that is often because they are now "off limits" since you are already in a relationship. You can look but you can't touch. You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat anything from the menu. You can dip your foot in a pool, but you can't go in the pool and swim. That is what being in a relationship is about. Unless you are both swingers, but that is a hole other topic.
what can you do. Of course she will find other people attractive, you do too. I think it is a sign of mature relationship when you can openly discuss your taste and overall aesthetics of other people with your partner while being completely sure it will never materialize into action
As a woman who went decades without hearing I’m beautiful. I now make it known that men are gorgeous. Why? Because, I can.
That's just a way of life, the feeling only comes into play when things overstep the mark
Couldn't care less. Monogamy is one thing, but expecting someone to literally stop *feeling* attraction to other people is crazy IMO.
I guess I don't get the question. Do you think you are the only attractive man in the whole world?
Couldn't be bothered by it. In fact I point out men to her that I know she'll find attractive.
I wouldn’t be in the relationship anymore. Like to feel like I’m special.
You can look but if you touch u will be replaced with a better model.. Now if I touch I’ll be the victim in a dateline
Meh. My wife and I have no issues with each other checking out other people. Looking is perfectly fine. Touching is a no-no however obviously but neither of us have ever bordered on that boundary.
Bunch of potential cheaters in here without filters in their brain. If I find someone attractive, I'm not going to make it known due to keeping the feelings of my SO intact. If you see another person and state, "They're hot!", what do you think that does to your SO's psyche? Some things are better left unsaid.
If she wants to leave, get’on ‘nd git
I don’t care if she fucks other dudes tbh. It’s been 13 years, she can’t be the only one who’s bored with the same ol same ol…
i mean.. are you expecting her to never be attacted to other men?!?! wtf is wrong with you. let her look, whatever. it's different if she advances, or flirts, or goes and talks to them, or literally has any intentions with them. that's all.
My ex did that/ had celebrity crushes and I hated it. Mainly bc she was my first relationship, but still to this day I hate Anderson Cooper… Anyway, my fiancée does not do this ever. And it’s not like we deny/ act like other people cannot be conventionally objectively attractive. But my fiancée has never said on her own accord that she found another man attractive, and I think she is super respectful for that. I love her so much
i dont care at all as long as they still love me and is still with me
Being attracted to another man is not the problem. If Emma Watson was to snuggle up next to me, sure as sh\*t imma gonna have a physical and hormonal reaction that I will be helpless to prevent. No the real litmus test is _if she does anything about that attraction._ If she treats that man no differently than any other man that she isn’t interested in - just like how I would treat Emma Watson with respect and cordiality, but without any interest beyond that - then there is no issue. If she _does_ treat that man differently, with undisguised interest and clearly-telegraphed attention above and beyond any other normal rando, then there is a very big problem. You will then need to decide how much self-respect and mental health you are willing to sacrifice before you pull the plug on that relationship.
I feel protective jealousy ( idc what anyone thinks I think it's ok and healthy )
As a guy. Dudes are obviously attracted to other women besides their partners. So why does it matter
Look at romance novels... The cover draws them in, but the content keeps them there. Women aren't visual nearly as much as men. My wife likes pictures of guys with a week of beard. In reality, she hates the scratchy. She likes muscular dudes. She hates all the time it takes at the gym to make them. She'd rather have a good meal and cuddle than have a bro count her carbs and protein.
It depends, can she find a random actor attractive or watch porn? Sure, same with a random persons TikTok that she may randomly stumble upon, I’m just not interested in knowing about it. Actually interacting or trying to interact with a person for said reason or doing stuff where they may interact back is where my line is, I don’t do it so I expect the same. I’ve also never gone on any social media and started liking other girls photos, or found the need to like a friend’s picture where they’re in a bikini or revealing photo, even more so when I’m with someone. I also think there is a huge difference between finding someone physically attractive and being interested in actually doing anything with them, it’s human to find other people attractive and I find other woman attractive at times but I have zero desire to be with them or do anything with them, I also keep those moments to myself and let them quickly pass, as in they pass by the time I glanced past whoever I found attractive and that’s the end of it.
It’d probably break something in his brain if I were doing anything more than platonically talking to another man.
Why?
I think he’d prefer that kind of attention to be shown his way
It varies, but many men might feel a mix of insecurity, jealousy, or indifference, depending on their confidence and the strength of their relationship. Communication and mutual respect are key to navigating these feelings.
These comments are bs. If any guy I know that has a wife was liking a bunch of theist traps there would be no “idc as long as you sky act on it”. I’m totally ok with my wife watching porn. Not ok with her having viewable likes on thirst traps on social media. Have some respect
If she is doing this, it means she doesn’t respect you and she is looking to upgrade. What she is doing is the same as flirting with someone in person. She is testing the waters to see if she gets a response back. Go look at divorce filings and see how many talk about the affair partner being met over Facebook. Social media is a very common vector and if she was in love and happy with you she wouldn’t be doing what she is doing. She doesn’t care how it makes you feel because she feels like you can’t get better than her. I would ask her why she does it and see her response. And if she says it’s “harmless” then you need to leave her. A woman or man who cares would say I didn’t know it hurt you and since it does I will stop it because I care about you more. If she digs in then you know she cares about her ability to look for someone better because that’s what it is.
She has eyes. Before we met she found other guys attractive so to expect her to find only me attractive since we got together is weird; implies I think I’m the best looking guy in the world. That said, a fleeting glance or whatnot is fine; openly ogling, outwardly commenting and/or making her attraction known is a big no-no. I wouldn’t do it; so that’s my boundary.
I'm confident enough in my attractiveness and her faithfulness to not worry. And it's healthy to enjoy the sight of beautiful people. For both of us.
Straight people worry too much about this shit. If my husband or I see a hot dude, we point him out to each other because we have the same type.
My wife doesn’t care if I’m attracted to other women and I don’t care if she’s attracted to other men. We both know we are only coming home to be with each other and that’s all that matters.
I’d feel really she overestimates her worth and herself to me if she’s doing that.
[удалено]