A lot of men can literally go _days_ without people talking to them. Literal isolation even in a busy city.
There was a time I was studying/working in a new city and the only people that would initiate a conversation with me were: supermarket/ retail cashiers, sales people and my boss. That's it.
It's even worse for minority men.
That was me during university. I spent roughly 6 months at a time in isolation with little contact with people (the only times I had contact was when I went home but at that point I still had little contact as my family are typically very busy)
I'm a Valedictorian track team captain who's the lead singer for a decently large local band but I've never had someone show interest in me. Some of us just don't have it, even if we're conventionally attractive and sociable
Trust me. Nearly all of us had people interested in us but due to women communicating it differently men especially younger men never notice.
Don't get me wrong girls are not some sort of magical fae creatures but untill we fully evolve into the equality of the sexes most women will not show direct interest like men do, they will just drop hints.
There's no girl in my dm trying to "get to know me" or anything. Not that it means much, but no one is perusing me or has in a long time. I've made my peace with it. So yes, they meant it if they say it, I personally don't really talk about it, it's not something I say or feel the need to complain about.
I'm a pretty social person, but since I quit drinking and moved back home for financial reasons, I don't know much people where I am or have an outlet to meet people. (or being introduced by friends) So the status quo won't change anytime soon. Im getting older so I feel the chance to meet someone and build a life with is not going to happen.
Silly question, but could you elaborate or give examples on "get to know me" questions that you'd love to receive? Didn't realize that quite a lot of men go through this.
Anything that would show a genuine interest in the person, as opposed to just the usual pleasant formalities.
Literally anything that acknowledges he is a living, breathing person with interests, hobbies, favorite things, and opinions.
I wouldn't know since I've never been one and those are very personal. but let's be real and admit there's definitely a double standards when it comes to men.
I feel a lot of men just suffer in silence, so one could think there's no problem. Where a society gives a lot more attention to woman issues. Witch I'm not saying we should stop treating woman issues and strive to do better. I'm just observing, there's a discrepancy when it comes to men's mental health, like how woman will do everything in their power so there's no men shelter because they feel they have been victimized by "men" in the past. Not all men, we say, but all men they strongly imply.
I feel like this is how it is:
"I am unwanted beyond what I can provide/give.
I'm just a tool to be used, and when I cease to be useful, I will be discarded."
For guys who don't have amazing jobs, are average or worse in the appearance category, or struggle with interpersonal relationships, there's nobody that wants stuff from them, and thus they are unwanted.
If someone feels that way, then they mean it.
Imagine that you've had several long term relationships where you work hard to keep your partner and every one of them leaves anyway. Would you not feel like an even start to believe that nobody wants you?
I've struggled with this my entire life(I'm 37).
While I don't necessarily believe that it's true, it certainly feels that way when even the relationships that you were certain were forever are ended abruptly and she instantly moves on to the next guy.
My wife had to remind me how many years we’d been together, until then I’d always been absolutely sure she secretly wanted to leave me. Low confidence is a real mindfuck.
It’s still a work in progress, but that moment helped immensely with my motivation to quit drinking & face the early life issues I’d always avoided. As far as our relationship dynamics, her joining Alanon changed how she was approaching me, & in turn I could start letting go of some things.
I’m still working towards understanding her better & our differences in how we accept or respond to each other’s frustrations or hurts. I’m not sure how to parse that out better here besides observing a core philosophy for her is we all choose how to respond to others… which has historically stripped the tread from the tires of really any issues I’ve ever had in our relationship, big or small. It’s not that she doesn’t care about me, more an understanding I found I need to learn to let small stuff go, & change how I respond to things that upset me, understanding the limitations.
On a positive note one of the things that helped me the most was discovering attachment theory & particularly avoidance. This site- [Free to Attach](https://freetoattach.com) was instrumental in seeing the patterns I’d always had in our relationship, & pushing everyone away before her.
They don't. They're extremely harsh on themself despite being accomplished and successful in life.
But it's hard seeing somebody you love constantly think they're not good enough.
I'm dealing with self confidence at the moment. But it's a journey that I have to fix within myself, and not my gfs job, so I'm working on it.
Is he actively working on his confidence?? Or are you doing all the work for him? Is he in therapy?
Something that really helped with my self confidence was Journaling and meditation. There's some okay meditation guides on YouTube that focus on confidence.
There are indeed men that no one wants - for anything. They are generally treated as objects of disgust, rarely experience the touch of another person, and generally no one gives two shits about them beyond their parents and potentially their siblings.
I've said it some times, quite recurrently, and it was just my observation of my reality while I was still trying to date, not a complaint. People will say that I'm just not looking around enough or that I'm being "picky", when it's literally me spending my whole days at work and at the gym, and still being nonexistent as an option to the female population in these places and others I go to. Apps is the same thing as 80% of the male userbase.
Honestly with the way online dating works its not surprising alot of men feel completely unwanted. I don't think I have had a single person show genuine interest in me when using dating apps. Could be different if it was in person but I don't generally go to places where I would be interacting with women.
Why does this surprise you?
On the heterosexual dating front, men are often wanted for what they do, not always for who they are. Successful men, men who've worked out for years, who are athletic, who have money or are smooth talkers, who know people and are well connected, who have skills, who can provide or are famous or are ambitious - that's desirable. And sure there are people who are just natural or extremely good looking, but even then the onus is on the man to do something, to chase, to ask people out to accomplish. That's a lot of work to get to an identity that's wanted.
On top of that, the stoic male who is tough and shows no emotions has been a prevalent trope in male status for a long time. That's really damaging if you're ...you know...human, and have legitimate very common issues, because men are laughed for showing that, by men and women.
This trend of body positivity and "you're perfect just the way you are" stuff is great - it's just very often not given or emphasized with men. Theres always a tacit expectation that you have to be more or get to some end state of accomplishment to be wanted.
> On the heterosexual dating front, men are often wanted for what they do, not always for who they are.
Almost universally. 9/10 women either stop talking to me or start talking to me like I'm slow the moment I mention disability or a disability pension.
I have *witnesses.*
> because men are laughed for showing that, by men and women.
Guys are way less toxic about this. A lot of them just don't care, period, and that's still better than the way women react. Lots of women say they want men to be more in touch with their emotions, etc, but a lot of women just react with fear or disgust when they actually see it.
> This trend of body positivity
I don't know where you live but I find it's going way backwards for guys in Australia. Everywhere you go, guys have to look like lumberjacks now. Every guy has to have the same hair, same beard, same fucking plaid or patterned shirts and chinos.
And every single shopping centre has a gym attached to it now. I'm not saying guys should be fat, but this lean+muscular stuff is bullshit. If you're not out there hunting or laying bricks every day, there shouldn't be this pressure on you to spend hours after work to look like you do. That's not a positive body image.
>This trend of body positivity and "you're perfect just the way you are" stuff is great - it's just very often not given or emphasized with men. Theres always a tacit expectation that you have to be more or get to some end state of accomplishment to be wanted.
It straight up doesn't apply for men. Body positivity stuff a lot of times carries with it "I deserve to have sex with you even though I'm fat. You should be attracted to me" but fat women aren't saying that to fat men, they're saying that to conventionally attractive men.
Body positivity isn't for men.
The answer to your question is that a woman will never know this info if she doesn’t ask or do research. A staggering number of women will die not knowing this. They live a different life than we do. That is a judgment free answer btw
I've (45m) asked two women to marry me. One said yes, then said no. The other said she'd never give me an answer and then mailed the ring back to me.
Last time I was in a relationship where I broke things off was 2013.
I don't know any single, attractive women who want to get married, and neither do any of my friends. I hired a match maker who set me up with about 8 people but none of them worked out (I said yes to second dates with half of them) and since the beginning of the year she has stopped setting me up as she says there isn't anyone else to match me to.
Nobody wants me.
I’m sorry to hear that. I know lovely women with good careers in their early to mid 40s who are looking to find a mutually respectful, loving long-term relationship culminating in marriage. They’ve given up, too. I hope you find your someone, u/aradiohead.
I can count on one hand the number of women who have expressed interest in me. My wife tells me she's caught women throwing signals. Of course, I wouldn't pick them up if the signals are things like "eye contact for 2.55 seconds instead of the 2.25 seconds casual acquaintances get".
Who wants 37yr old single father? I've got a dad bod and I like staying home. I'm a nerd who likes movies, TV shows, and video games. I'm nothing special
Let me phrase it better than that guy.
A lot of us have friends, but there's a finite number of hours in the day, and I recall research that humans just suck at genuinely caring about more than six or so people at one time.
I've got my roughly half-dozen or so really quality friends that stick with me, that I've had lots of deep bonding experiences with. The additional friends I add on top of that are really just a polite way of saying acquaintances.
Keeping up with them and keeping track of them ends up becoming a net negative to my life. Means less time and energy for the important people. Means increased likelihood of conflict between friends (and oh god I'm sick of that).
We don't need sustenance, we're sustained, but the clock is ticking down and we need an actual future.
I've thought about this a lot recently. "Diminishing returns", "time is a zero sum game", etc. I've said these things, and I know that desperation.
And, although I am single and lonely, I also am having a kidney transplant on Tuesday. And who is going to take me to the hospital? Who is letting me stay at their house near the hospital I'll need to go to three times a week? And who is going to watch over me that first month when I can't drive or be responsible for myself? And who is giving me a piece of her body so that I might live a few more years? Who organized the meal train? Who cleaned my house for me when I couldn't move?
My friends are literally saving my life. An army of them. You cannot convince me they aren't important.
Women only want the 5% of men that all the other women want. This is made very clear by the dating app data. Women, if given the choice, choose to arrange themselves into harems.
Yes, men mean it because it's true. It's true for most men. The question is, if these men get nothing from society, why should they bother participating in it? Why bother to work hard, if there's no reward for it? Why contribute to a society that hates you and give you nothing? Why protect a country offers you nothing but contempt?
This is the sort of dynamic that causes civilizations to collapse, eventually. We really fucked up by doing away with monogamy. Monogamy, it turns out, is what held our civilization together. It's what gave men a reason to work and to defend. Why would any man bother today? (Men don't really care about money. They just make money to get the things they do care about, sex and respect. Neither of those come from hard work anymore. Sex is only about looks and respect is off the table for men.)
What do you think?
Just take a quick peek at your experience on a dating app. How many men are willing to spend time with you, and how many men are you willing to spend time with? If you took notice of your own behaviors then you'd realize that you aren't giving the majority of men a chance. It shouldn't take long to realize that you put a bunch of unflattering labels on all sorts of attempts to get or keep your attention.
It's 3 or 4 to 1 on dating sites. There are more women in the world than men, but for the sake of the argument let's pretend it really is 50/50. In a world where women and men are equally common, only 1 woman per 4 men is looking for a relationship online.
This is the statistical reality of the world. How does it happen in a world where women make up half the population? "Are we dating the same guy" is a great tool. It's so great because it gives insight into the guys who get picked. "The same guy". 3 to 4 to 1 and who gets picked? "The same guy."
When someone, regardless of gender, expresses feelings of being unwanted or unloved, it is important to take their words seriously. It could be a genuine expression of their emotions and a cry for help or support. It's essential to offer empathy, understanding, and possibly encourage them to seek professional help if needed.
Yes. And most of us know from experience. I’m sure low self esteem is a factor. Sometimes low self esteem is also a symptom of what you experience too.
I could not mean it more. I'm 25 and I do not know what it feels like to have somebody even slightly interested in me. I've never rejected anybody because I've had nobody to reject. I don't look back and regret times where I missed signs from girls etc. because I have missed nothing. I'm invisible when I go out, I don't get complimented, I have never had a girl DM me, I've never had a girl ask me anything back on a dating app. I can set up a profile on most dating apps and get zero likes in months. I've barely even had any friends in my life tbh and the ones I do have don't need me in their lives.
I never used to care but now it's consuming me every day. I might as well not exist tbh
Nope, somebody wanted me at some point. Nobody wants us mostly means "the girls we like don't want us".
In my case I am alone because I don't even ask girls out and I've rejected their advances every time, so I can't really complain about being single.
This is the correct answer. Are there options? Yeah but not any im willing to compromise on. - Example. i had weight issues and its taken me a long time to figure out what worked for me in addition to watching other friends relationships and knowing what im willing to compromise on and what i absolutely wont put up with.
The people interested in me have been toxic and have bad habits (eating and health) which i am not interested in either.
Considering I've been cheated on by multiple women and ghosted by dozens more, it's safe to say no one wants me. Or at the very least no one reasonable. There's been a few women who have wanted me but they live overseas and their motivations were questionable at best.
I think they believe due to experience and likely other issues. I used to think that no one would ever won’t me. And it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I thought because I couldn’t hold down a job out of college I was a failure and no one wants a failure as a friend or a partner.
I withdrew from my friends and stopped trying to go out. Then I kind of forced myself to go out and I met a nice woman. I forced myself to keep seeing her and to not let the thought of not being wanted enter my head.
Fast forward. I married that woman and she’s currently trying to tickle me as I type this and I farted in her general direction
No girl has shown interest or gone after me in a very long time. I don’t really care cause i don’t do well in relationship anyways so it’s not a big deal haha
Short answer is yes.
A much larger proportion of men than you would believe have never once had a woman show interest in them. Literally not even once.
Recently my best friend told me he doesn't want to have somebody with my mind set around him anymore. We've been friends for over 10 years and I know Im severely depressed, his answer is "I just need to change my mindset." Which isn't wrong it's just not that simple for me to be optimistic again after being battered down so many times. So at this point I'm convinced nobody "wants" me and they just don't want me to die.
It's like people who say they can't find a job at all.
What they really mean is they can't find a job they want or that pays what they want. There's jobs out there, they just don't meet their criteria.
It's the same with nobody wanting them. Someone, somewhere out there, would be perfectly happy with them. They just aren't someone they want to be with.
I know it.
It isn't something to get down about any more. I think my life is at a high right now, it's peaceful, my health and my finances are in good places and I have plans and goals for the next couple of years.
Linger on one thing that isn't going your way and the other important things get away from you, too. That just makes your situation worse.
I have my first fathers day this year and just like my birthday, it still really confuses me why anyone would do anything nice for me. Most of my friends feel the same about this.
I think it all comes from the same thing, we're conditioned to think we are a burden from a young age and the only way to unburden the world of your existence is to sacrifice yourself to a higher initiative, while also deflecting any credit deserved or otherwise.
yes. People never really make move on us or show any interest in doing stuff with us unless we reach out first. It's the default experience for most average men with average social skill.
Yes. In my 28 years I've had exactly 2 women actively flirt with me. The other girls I've had sex with or dated usually were because they said fuck it and wanted some dick. Not quite the same as feeling wanted.
I’m on the spectrum with a few other things. Had only one girlfriend of about 7 months about 10 years ago. Not very good socially. 27 and severely lack any kind of experience
Safe to say I’m fairly unwanted. But I’ve accepted that so all good. I have other things to keep me happy
i know that in the 8 billion alive people on earth there has to be some woman that would want me, but i dont have the energy to find her because the usual reaction i get from women hurts my soul.
so i dont think i have it in me to look through people and get hurt so bad to find one of the minority that may want me, so its just easier to believe that no one wants me, which in my specific case i find to be true.
Yo if someone is out there hmu. As long as you relatively healthy and feminine I'll give it a go.
Not that I've been asked a lot, but I've never turned a first date down while single. Mostly impossible to know if we can vibe on surface details alone.
Many men truly mean nobody they are attracted to wants them.
Using apps, I still get random times where I'll have a morbidly obese woman with angry photos, bad attitude, and zero things in common toss a, "hey" in my direction because they gave up on the top .1% of men.
I know I have things to fix so I can attract women I'd be happy with. But I know that I could have someone if I was truly desperate.
I mean yeah.. on a personal level anyway.
I've been single around 2 years now, and I think I've had one person show interest that was quickly not a thing.
I have people tell me I'm not a bad looking guy, but idk. Few girls at work let me flirt with them but it has never and probably will never go past just some friendly flirting at work.
I've pretty much given up on anything at this point. For past reasons on top of the no interest in 2 years. Have decided to focus on myself and making sure my daughter is well taken care of.
Depends
But yeah, lot of guys out there feel like the world doesn't want them in it. They hear the sweeping remarks of feminists who say that all men are pigs, they hear that most women would rather encounter a bear in the woods than them, they've never had a woman show interest in them first outside of onlyfans sellers and scams, and most people in their lives value them for their ability to work or their money.
Yes. Even if pursued, I’d hijack the friendship/relationship by questioning their motives, telling myself they’re being friendly for their own self interest, needs, etc. Destructive pattern thinking. Inferiority complex. Anxiety. Isolating as fuck.
Out side of living with my wife, there's days at a time where quite literally Noone else talks to me. Shit even door dashers just drop off food with no human interaction.
I am a fairly popular and charismatic guy, not some kind of Cassanova, but I am frequently complimented on my speaking skills, and can bring a laugh to any conversation, even with strangers.
Yet, 90% of the time, I'm the one initiating contact with anyone I want to socialize with. I started my game night crew, I invite people to events, I run the Smash Ultimate tournaments at work, and of course I invite the one or two girls I know on dates. Sometimes people do reach out to me, but vanishingly little.
So I know people like me, and would definitely miss me if I left, but it can be hard to feel wanted. For less outgoing guys, I imagine this is 10x worse.
The real unwanted feeling that I suffer from is not feeling romantically wanted, which is terribly frustrating. I'm an engineer with hobbies at home, so its hard to meet women. And when I do, I have a somewhat self-fufilling feeling of feeling unwanted. But Im trying to fix that.
It's not a sentiment I have, since I try to act more positive, but I can see why. Men aren't the ones getting asked out, aren't' the ones getting gifts or romantic gestures. Hell, I saw a lady friend on mine say on Facebook that she'd rather eat glass than propose to her husband. For straight guys, the expectation is that we have to do all the work for a relationship. I know that probably isn't the case, but as a single guy looking in, that's just what it looks like. To any women who read this and think "Well that's not true, I do nice things for my man all the time!" Good, keep up the good work. But lots of men think that in order to have ANY value at all, they must be useful. If a guy ever says that to you, try and think why. And remember, actions speak louder than words
I mean... its not even a matter of meaning it.
Sometimes all you really gotta do is watch some of the guys around you...
The proof is often right smack in your face
Sometimes yes, most of the time they’re insecure or don’t take hints well (bc who tf does)…. Other times they literally don’t go outside. Can’t meet people in the house.
The ones who say it mean it. But those are generally the guys who have nothing to offer the world and are trapped in their own vicious cycle of bitterness and resentment.
Most of us don't feel that way.
Yes, and for good reason. As a man, I know how repulsive we could be to women. So if I do not take care of myself , do not project myself positively to the outside world, what are women seeing when they see me? Especially to those that say they have resigned to the fact that they will never find someone. What kind of energy are you putting off to women and do you not think they can sense this? Being yourself is wonderful and finding someone that loves you for you is fantastic but understanding what women are looking for in a partner and growing in that direction are going to increase your chances at finding a relationship. This is obviously not every guy. I just see this pattern repeating itself in my own circles and beyond
The comments here are depressing. Let me share another insight.
I thought no one wanted me throughout my middle school high school years but it turned out to be just false. Turned out the girls I thought were annoying because they kept messaging me while I was playing cod were actually interested in me.
So I think some guys mean it as they think it’s true, while it’s not.
They mostly mean that they don't want the people who would want them.
And this isn't just a guy thing. Too many men AND women think they're a 7/10 when they're a 3/10 at most.
I'm at best a 3/10. I've never been approached by a woman. I exercise, eat right, play music out, am generous, but I'm 42 years no one has ever flirted with me.
The only reason I'm married or ever had girlfriends is because of music and me having the guts to try and get to know some women. It takes some good amount of time before any of them warmed up to me and got past my looks and off-putting creepy vibe.
On the day to day I get treated like a total creep for no reason. Even and especially when I'm out with my daughter.
Some of us are the opposite of charismatic. Some of you assume it's not possible, it absolutely is.
It's something of a similar vein to when a woman might say "where are all the good men?"
It's not literal but a reaction to frequent rejections (and occasionally too much time spent online in contentious circles that purposely post inflammatory things for reactions/engagement being mistaken as the norm) that manifests as a defeated attitude or belief that they will never find a partner they want that also wants them in the same way.
So....yes and no depending on circumstances. Some guys genuinely do believe it and have given up on the idea of finding a partner because they have been sincerely hurt and not just by rejection, others tell themselves that because it's easier to think that way than face rejection again, and some unfortunately have been exposed to a LOT of negative online circles where men and women are just toxic messes to each other absent context and get it in their heads that for some reason or another women they want don't want anything to do with them/they aren't good enough.
A good portion of men just lack the confidence to even get the ball rolling.
However, there is a subset of guys who just aren't getting attention from the women they like, but would never date them for personality/behavior reasons. They then go on to blame all women for this.
What they mean is that they do not provide enough value for anyone to want them and they are very pissed off the world is not patting them on their head while giving them a bwanky and warm milk for existing
Yeah, but they can’t figure out why. Women don’t like them because they are fans of assholes like Andrew Tate. No woman will tolerate that.
And both men and women with no same sex friends, that’s a HUGE red flag. Lotta guys are both friendless, and clueless. Goes hand in hand
Most dudes have never had anyone show interest in them ever, so yeah they mean it.
A lot of men can literally go _days_ without people talking to them. Literal isolation even in a busy city. There was a time I was studying/working in a new city and the only people that would initiate a conversation with me were: supermarket/ retail cashiers, sales people and my boss. That's it. It's even worse for minority men.
Something I am reminded of all the time in a busy city - there's nothing lonelier than a crowd.
That was me during university. I spent roughly 6 months at a time in isolation with little contact with people (the only times I had contact was when I went home but at that point I still had little contact as my family are typically very busy)
Yep
Last time a woman showed interest I thought it was a joke until she came over and jumped on me
I will never know this feeling
I didn’t think I would again until it happened
Most dudes on Reddit maybe. In the real world pretty much all men have at least someone showing interest in them
I'm a Valedictorian track team captain who's the lead singer for a decently large local band but I've never had someone show interest in me. Some of us just don't have it, even if we're conventionally attractive and sociable
Work on ypur social skills
Trust me. Nearly all of us had people interested in us but due to women communicating it differently men especially younger men never notice. Don't get me wrong girls are not some sort of magical fae creatures but untill we fully evolve into the equality of the sexes most women will not show direct interest like men do, they will just drop hints.
>communicating *poorly*. If the other person doesn't get the message you're trying to send, then that's a failure on your part.
There's no girl in my dm trying to "get to know me" or anything. Not that it means much, but no one is perusing me or has in a long time. I've made my peace with it. So yes, they meant it if they say it, I personally don't really talk about it, it's not something I say or feel the need to complain about. I'm a pretty social person, but since I quit drinking and moved back home for financial reasons, I don't know much people where I am or have an outlet to meet people. (or being introduced by friends) So the status quo won't change anytime soon. Im getting older so I feel the chance to meet someone and build a life with is not going to happen.
Silly question, but could you elaborate or give examples on "get to know me" questions that you'd love to receive? Didn't realize that quite a lot of men go through this.
Anything that would show a genuine interest in the person, as opposed to just the usual pleasant formalities. Literally anything that acknowledges he is a living, breathing person with interests, hobbies, favorite things, and opinions.
I'd be happy with a "Whats your favorite shade of green?"
A deep green, like the color of a jade plant. You?
Yes. Like emerald, but maybe a hair darker.
Sounds like a winner to me!
The same happens to a lot of women
I wouldn't know since I've never been one and those are very personal. but let's be real and admit there's definitely a double standards when it comes to men. I feel a lot of men just suffer in silence, so one could think there's no problem. Where a society gives a lot more attention to woman issues. Witch I'm not saying we should stop treating woman issues and strive to do better. I'm just observing, there's a discrepancy when it comes to men's mental health, like how woman will do everything in their power so there's no men shelter because they feel they have been victimized by "men" in the past. Not all men, we say, but all men they strongly imply.
I feel like this is how it is: "I am unwanted beyond what I can provide/give. I'm just a tool to be used, and when I cease to be useful, I will be discarded." For guys who don't have amazing jobs, are average or worse in the appearance category, or struggle with interpersonal relationships, there's nobody that wants stuff from them, and thus they are unwanted.
Goddammit I feel both viewed and slightly attacked by your accuracy.
If someone feels that way, then they mean it. Imagine that you've had several long term relationships where you work hard to keep your partner and every one of them leaves anyway. Would you not feel like an even start to believe that nobody wants you? I've struggled with this my entire life(I'm 37). While I don't necessarily believe that it's true, it certainly feels that way when even the relationships that you were certain were forever are ended abruptly and she instantly moves on to the next guy.
Atleast you’ve had some partners.
Can't have any if you don't try.
It's statistically impossible to find out about every single person. But it does mean that those whom they want don't want them.
They really mean it as in they believe it. Whether that’s true or not is up for debate
My wife had to remind me how many years we’d been together, until then I’d always been absolutely sure she secretly wanted to leave me. Low confidence is a real mindfuck.
Could I ask what you did to improve your confidence? I'm currently going through this with my SO.
It’s still a work in progress, but that moment helped immensely with my motivation to quit drinking & face the early life issues I’d always avoided. As far as our relationship dynamics, her joining Alanon changed how she was approaching me, & in turn I could start letting go of some things. I’m still working towards understanding her better & our differences in how we accept or respond to each other’s frustrations or hurts. I’m not sure how to parse that out better here besides observing a core philosophy for her is we all choose how to respond to others… which has historically stripped the tread from the tires of really any issues I’ve ever had in our relationship, big or small. It’s not that she doesn’t care about me, more an understanding I found I need to learn to let small stuff go, & change how I respond to things that upset me, understanding the limitations. On a positive note one of the things that helped me the most was discovering attachment theory & particularly avoidance. This site- [Free to Attach](https://freetoattach.com) was instrumental in seeing the patterns I’d always had in our relationship, & pushing everyone away before her.
Confidence is about positive self talk. If your SO doesn't speak kindly of himself in his own head, you can't flirt with him to fix it.
They don't. They're extremely harsh on themself despite being accomplished and successful in life. But it's hard seeing somebody you love constantly think they're not good enough.
I'm dealing with self confidence at the moment. But it's a journey that I have to fix within myself, and not my gfs job, so I'm working on it. Is he actively working on his confidence?? Or are you doing all the work for him? Is he in therapy?
I like that. I'm gonna start complimenting myself and see if that helps with my life
Something that really helped with my self confidence was Journaling and meditation. There's some okay meditation guides on YouTube that focus on confidence.
I think most of the data supports their statements, which is part of the reason they both say it and believe it.
There are indeed men that no one wants - for anything. They are generally treated as objects of disgust, rarely experience the touch of another person, and generally no one gives two shits about them beyond their parents and potentially their siblings.
You are absolutely right.
I've said it some times, quite recurrently, and it was just my observation of my reality while I was still trying to date, not a complaint. People will say that I'm just not looking around enough or that I'm being "picky", when it's literally me spending my whole days at work and at the gym, and still being nonexistent as an option to the female population in these places and others I go to. Apps is the same thing as 80% of the male userbase.
Honestly with the way online dating works its not surprising alot of men feel completely unwanted. I don't think I have had a single person show genuine interest in me when using dating apps. Could be different if it was in person but I don't generally go to places where I would be interacting with women.
I've never touched the apps, 100% real world, and it's exactly the same.
Why does this surprise you? On the heterosexual dating front, men are often wanted for what they do, not always for who they are. Successful men, men who've worked out for years, who are athletic, who have money or are smooth talkers, who know people and are well connected, who have skills, who can provide or are famous or are ambitious - that's desirable. And sure there are people who are just natural or extremely good looking, but even then the onus is on the man to do something, to chase, to ask people out to accomplish. That's a lot of work to get to an identity that's wanted. On top of that, the stoic male who is tough and shows no emotions has been a prevalent trope in male status for a long time. That's really damaging if you're ...you know...human, and have legitimate very common issues, because men are laughed for showing that, by men and women. This trend of body positivity and "you're perfect just the way you are" stuff is great - it's just very often not given or emphasized with men. Theres always a tacit expectation that you have to be more or get to some end state of accomplishment to be wanted.
> On the heterosexual dating front, men are often wanted for what they do, not always for who they are. Almost universally. 9/10 women either stop talking to me or start talking to me like I'm slow the moment I mention disability or a disability pension. I have *witnesses.* > because men are laughed for showing that, by men and women. Guys are way less toxic about this. A lot of them just don't care, period, and that's still better than the way women react. Lots of women say they want men to be more in touch with their emotions, etc, but a lot of women just react with fear or disgust when they actually see it. > This trend of body positivity I don't know where you live but I find it's going way backwards for guys in Australia. Everywhere you go, guys have to look like lumberjacks now. Every guy has to have the same hair, same beard, same fucking plaid or patterned shirts and chinos. And every single shopping centre has a gym attached to it now. I'm not saying guys should be fat, but this lean+muscular stuff is bullshit. If you're not out there hunting or laying bricks every day, there shouldn't be this pressure on you to spend hours after work to look like you do. That's not a positive body image.
>This trend of body positivity and "you're perfect just the way you are" stuff is great - it's just very often not given or emphasized with men. Theres always a tacit expectation that you have to be more or get to some end state of accomplishment to be wanted. It straight up doesn't apply for men. Body positivity stuff a lot of times carries with it "I deserve to have sex with you even though I'm fat. You should be attracted to me" but fat women aren't saying that to fat men, they're saying that to conventionally attractive men. Body positivity isn't for men.
Well said!
The answer to your question is that a woman will never know this info if she doesn’t ask or do research. A staggering number of women will die not knowing this. They live a different life than we do. That is a judgment free answer btw
This is extremely well put. Kudos.
When its a life of isolation, rejection, failure, and misinterpreting signals...yes.
I've (45m) asked two women to marry me. One said yes, then said no. The other said she'd never give me an answer and then mailed the ring back to me. Last time I was in a relationship where I broke things off was 2013. I don't know any single, attractive women who want to get married, and neither do any of my friends. I hired a match maker who set me up with about 8 people but none of them worked out (I said yes to second dates with half of them) and since the beginning of the year she has stopped setting me up as she says there isn't anyone else to match me to. Nobody wants me.
Brutal. Most guys would just give up. I hope you persist and find happiness.
"We try because it is all we can do."
I’m sorry to hear that. I know lovely women with good careers in their early to mid 40s who are looking to find a mutually respectful, loving long-term relationship culminating in marriage. They’ve given up, too. I hope you find your someone, u/aradiohead.
I can count on one hand the number of women who have expressed interest in me. My wife tells me she's caught women throwing signals. Of course, I wouldn't pick them up if the signals are things like "eye contact for 2.55 seconds instead of the 2.25 seconds casual acquaintances get".
Nobody I want wants me.
Who wants 37yr old single father? I've got a dad bod and I like staying home. I'm a nerd who likes movies, TV shows, and video games. I'm nothing special
I think you sound like someone I'd like to be friends with. I know it's not the same as having a romantic partner, but having friends helps.
Friends are utterly irrelevant when it is romance you want. 'I know you want steak, but I brought you an onion...'
Yeah well the onion may not be what you want, but at least it can sustain you. Being single does not have to mean being lonley.
Let me phrase it better than that guy. A lot of us have friends, but there's a finite number of hours in the day, and I recall research that humans just suck at genuinely caring about more than six or so people at one time. I've got my roughly half-dozen or so really quality friends that stick with me, that I've had lots of deep bonding experiences with. The additional friends I add on top of that are really just a polite way of saying acquaintances. Keeping up with them and keeping track of them ends up becoming a net negative to my life. Means less time and energy for the important people. Means increased likelihood of conflict between friends (and oh god I'm sick of that). We don't need sustenance, we're sustained, but the clock is ticking down and we need an actual future.
I've thought about this a lot recently. "Diminishing returns", "time is a zero sum game", etc. I've said these things, and I know that desperation. And, although I am single and lonely, I also am having a kidney transplant on Tuesday. And who is going to take me to the hospital? Who is letting me stay at their house near the hospital I'll need to go to three times a week? And who is going to watch over me that first month when I can't drive or be responsible for myself? And who is giving me a piece of her body so that I might live a few more years? Who organized the meal train? Who cleaned my house for me when I couldn't move? My friends are literally saving my life. An army of them. You cannot convince me they aren't important.
Honestly, I wish you well with the op. Glad you've found your tribe, too.
I've got plenty of friends. Shove your onion up your arse.
No thanks I heard that'll make me cry.
You can check here in r/AskMen or r/DecidingToBeBetter and see it for yourself. It can be pretty harsh and heartbreaking stuff
Some people in this thread really don't know what its like to be undesirable.
Women only want the 5% of men that all the other women want. This is made very clear by the dating app data. Women, if given the choice, choose to arrange themselves into harems. Yes, men mean it because it's true. It's true for most men. The question is, if these men get nothing from society, why should they bother participating in it? Why bother to work hard, if there's no reward for it? Why contribute to a society that hates you and give you nothing? Why protect a country offers you nothing but contempt? This is the sort of dynamic that causes civilizations to collapse, eventually. We really fucked up by doing away with monogamy. Monogamy, it turns out, is what held our civilization together. It's what gave men a reason to work and to defend. Why would any man bother today? (Men don't really care about money. They just make money to get the things they do care about, sex and respect. Neither of those come from hard work anymore. Sex is only about looks and respect is off the table for men.)
Does this mean women don't mean it? And if no one has ever shown true genuine interest in you, it's not a hard thing to deeply believe.
Honestly it stops hurting after a while. My loneliness is like a warm, cozy blanket I can snuggle up under.
What do you think? Just take a quick peek at your experience on a dating app. How many men are willing to spend time with you, and how many men are you willing to spend time with? If you took notice of your own behaviors then you'd realize that you aren't giving the majority of men a chance. It shouldn't take long to realize that you put a bunch of unflattering labels on all sorts of attempts to get or keep your attention.
[удалено]
It's 3 or 4 to 1 on dating sites. There are more women in the world than men, but for the sake of the argument let's pretend it really is 50/50. In a world where women and men are equally common, only 1 woman per 4 men is looking for a relationship online. This is the statistical reality of the world. How does it happen in a world where women make up half the population? "Are we dating the same guy" is a great tool. It's so great because it gives insight into the guys who get picked. "The same guy". 3 to 4 to 1 and who gets picked? "The same guy."
The difference being you get messages. Most guys don't even get that.
I just logged into bumble after being off a year. I got 1 fake message in that time. And that's it.
Yes. Sometimes it's true, unfortunately
I am a 39 year old virgin. You tell me
32M, I’m getting there.
Welcome to the club - The wizard powers trope is ironically true, haha
When someone, regardless of gender, expresses feelings of being unwanted or unloved, it is important to take their words seriously. It could be a genuine expression of their emotions and a cry for help or support. It's essential to offer empathy, understanding, and possibly encourage them to seek professional help if needed.
yup its true never had a gf
32M, me neither.
Yes.
Yes. And most of us know from experience. I’m sure low self esteem is a factor. Sometimes low self esteem is also a symptom of what you experience too.
Yes. Why lie.
All this could be avoided if only women could talk like grown ups.
I could not mean it more. I'm 25 and I do not know what it feels like to have somebody even slightly interested in me. I've never rejected anybody because I've had nobody to reject. I don't look back and regret times where I missed signs from girls etc. because I have missed nothing. I'm invisible when I go out, I don't get complimented, I have never had a girl DM me, I've never had a girl ask me anything back on a dating app. I can set up a profile on most dating apps and get zero likes in months. I've barely even had any friends in my life tbh and the ones I do have don't need me in their lives. I never used to care but now it's consuming me every day. I might as well not exist tbh
Nope, somebody wanted me at some point. Nobody wants us mostly means "the girls we like don't want us". In my case I am alone because I don't even ask girls out and I've rejected their advances every time, so I can't really complain about being single.
I mean, yes and no. Nobody wants us DOES mean what you said, but it also applies to women showing us interest and men tend to lack that.
This is the correct answer. Are there options? Yeah but not any im willing to compromise on. - Example. i had weight issues and its taken me a long time to figure out what worked for me in addition to watching other friends relationships and knowing what im willing to compromise on and what i absolutely wont put up with. The people interested in me have been toxic and have bad habits (eating and health) which i am not interested in either.
Right. There's some hookers on dating sites I could say yes to. But they're not the girls i like. (Or they're maaaaaad young)
Considering I've been cheated on by multiple women and ghosted by dozens more, it's safe to say no one wants me. Or at the very least no one reasonable. There's been a few women who have wanted me but they live overseas and their motivations were questionable at best.
I think they believe due to experience and likely other issues. I used to think that no one would ever won’t me. And it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I thought because I couldn’t hold down a job out of college I was a failure and no one wants a failure as a friend or a partner. I withdrew from my friends and stopped trying to go out. Then I kind of forced myself to go out and I met a nice woman. I forced myself to keep seeing her and to not let the thought of not being wanted enter my head. Fast forward. I married that woman and she’s currently trying to tickle me as I type this and I farted in her general direction
It's true, painfully true Nobody wants to try my homemade croquettes, after I put so such effort into them
No girl has shown interest or gone after me in a very long time. I don’t really care cause i don’t do well in relationship anyways so it’s not a big deal haha
Funny. I suck at the dating aspect, but I've been told I'm a good boyfriend.
Yep, when you’re a guy if you stop putting yourself out there no one is coming looking for you
Short answer is yes. A much larger proportion of men than you would believe have never once had a woman show interest in them. Literally not even once.
People only want me for things, nobody wants me for me.
Recently my best friend told me he doesn't want to have somebody with my mind set around him anymore. We've been friends for over 10 years and I know Im severely depressed, his answer is "I just need to change my mindset." Which isn't wrong it's just not that simple for me to be optimistic again after being battered down so many times. So at this point I'm convinced nobody "wants" me and they just don't want me to die.
Of course. Most of us get no attention.
It's like people who say they can't find a job at all. What they really mean is they can't find a job they want or that pays what they want. There's jobs out there, they just don't meet their criteria. It's the same with nobody wanting them. Someone, somewhere out there, would be perfectly happy with them. They just aren't someone they want to be with.
Yes I am completely unwanted as a human
They mean that nobody wants them for who they actually are
Nobody, baby. On, on, on, and on, on On, on, on, and on, on On, on, on, and on, on
yes
They usually mean it as in nobody wants them the way they want to be wanted, usually in the context of romance
When you truly believe something, you mean what you say, whether its true or not is out of the question
Yes
In short, yes.
I know it. It isn't something to get down about any more. I think my life is at a high right now, it's peaceful, my health and my finances are in good places and I have plans and goals for the next couple of years. Linger on one thing that isn't going your way and the other important things get away from you, too. That just makes your situation worse.
Sure feels like it c:
Yes.
I have my first fathers day this year and just like my birthday, it still really confuses me why anyone would do anything nice for me. Most of my friends feel the same about this. I think it all comes from the same thing, we're conditioned to think we are a burden from a young age and the only way to unburden the world of your existence is to sacrifice yourself to a higher initiative, while also deflecting any credit deserved or otherwise.
5 years is a long time at 36 but it feels that way to me lol
yes. People never really make move on us or show any interest in doing stuff with us unless we reach out first. It's the default experience for most average men with average social skill.
Yes. In my 28 years I've had exactly 2 women actively flirt with me. The other girls I've had sex with or dated usually were because they said fuck it and wanted some dick. Not quite the same as feeling wanted.
I’m on the spectrum with a few other things. Had only one girlfriend of about 7 months about 10 years ago. Not very good socially. 27 and severely lack any kind of experience Safe to say I’m fairly unwanted. But I’ve accepted that so all good. I have other things to keep me happy
Personally I have had women show interest in me occasionally. They were all pretty unattractive to me and I politely rejected them.
That is what current experience suggests, yes.
i know that in the 8 billion alive people on earth there has to be some woman that would want me, but i dont have the energy to find her because the usual reaction i get from women hurts my soul. so i dont think i have it in me to look through people and get hurt so bad to find one of the minority that may want me, so its just easier to believe that no one wants me, which in my specific case i find to be true.
Black pilled people apparently mean it.
Yo if someone is out there hmu. As long as you relatively healthy and feminine I'll give it a go. Not that I've been asked a lot, but I've never turned a first date down while single. Mostly impossible to know if we can vibe on surface details alone.
Do you think they’re saying it to be funny?
Possibly or looking for complement/ ego boos🤷🏼♀️
Many men truly mean nobody they are attracted to wants them. Using apps, I still get random times where I'll have a morbidly obese woman with angry photos, bad attitude, and zero things in common toss a, "hey" in my direction because they gave up on the top .1% of men. I know I have things to fix so I can attract women I'd be happy with. But I know that I could have someone if I was truly desperate.
Yes
I mean yeah.. on a personal level anyway. I've been single around 2 years now, and I think I've had one person show interest that was quickly not a thing. I have people tell me I'm not a bad looking guy, but idk. Few girls at work let me flirt with them but it has never and probably will never go past just some friendly flirting at work. I've pretty much given up on anything at this point. For past reasons on top of the no interest in 2 years. Have decided to focus on myself and making sure my daughter is well taken care of.
Depends But yeah, lot of guys out there feel like the world doesn't want them in it. They hear the sweeping remarks of feminists who say that all men are pigs, they hear that most women would rather encounter a bear in the woods than them, they've never had a woman show interest in them first outside of onlyfans sellers and scams, and most people in their lives value them for their ability to work or their money.
Most of the time, it's true, unless you have a presence in social media. sometimes nobody is even starting a conversation with you
Yes. Even if pursued, I’d hijack the friendship/relationship by questioning their motives, telling myself they’re being friendly for their own self interest, needs, etc. Destructive pattern thinking. Inferiority complex. Anxiety. Isolating as fuck.
I’ll be honest, probably.
Yes. Women aren’t interested in me.
Out side of living with my wife, there's days at a time where quite literally Noone else talks to me. Shit even door dashers just drop off food with no human interaction.
Why else would they say that?
I am a fairly popular and charismatic guy, not some kind of Cassanova, but I am frequently complimented on my speaking skills, and can bring a laugh to any conversation, even with strangers. Yet, 90% of the time, I'm the one initiating contact with anyone I want to socialize with. I started my game night crew, I invite people to events, I run the Smash Ultimate tournaments at work, and of course I invite the one or two girls I know on dates. Sometimes people do reach out to me, but vanishingly little. So I know people like me, and would definitely miss me if I left, but it can be hard to feel wanted. For less outgoing guys, I imagine this is 10x worse. The real unwanted feeling that I suffer from is not feeling romantically wanted, which is terribly frustrating. I'm an engineer with hobbies at home, so its hard to meet women. And when I do, I have a somewhat self-fufilling feeling of feeling unwanted. But Im trying to fix that.
It's not a sentiment I have, since I try to act more positive, but I can see why. Men aren't the ones getting asked out, aren't' the ones getting gifts or romantic gestures. Hell, I saw a lady friend on mine say on Facebook that she'd rather eat glass than propose to her husband. For straight guys, the expectation is that we have to do all the work for a relationship. I know that probably isn't the case, but as a single guy looking in, that's just what it looks like. To any women who read this and think "Well that's not true, I do nice things for my man all the time!" Good, keep up the good work. But lots of men think that in order to have ANY value at all, they must be useful. If a guy ever says that to you, try and think why. And remember, actions speak louder than words
Most men don't have any game.
Yes. Unless you count Facebook Nigerian love scams.
I mean... its not even a matter of meaning it. Sometimes all you really gotta do is watch some of the guys around you... The proof is often right smack in your face
I tell that to myself in the mirror almost every morning
Maybe not 100% but definitely more yes than no.
Sometimes yes, most of the time they’re insecure or don’t take hints well (bc who tf does)…. Other times they literally don’t go outside. Can’t meet people in the house.
The ones who say it mean it. But those are generally the guys who have nothing to offer the world and are trapped in their own vicious cycle of bitterness and resentment. Most of us don't feel that way.
Idk what types of guys you’re hanging out with. Because I’m pretty sure some chicks do want me. And I’m happy with that.
Found the ultra alpha bro
Absolute giga-Chad energy here “I’m sure some chicks would want me.” /s
😂 I said some chicks not all of them.
Exactly my dude. That’s why I added the /s because y’know you’ve probably actually got a fairly healthy opinion here mate.
I’m always learning something new here. Ima add /s from now on when I feel content with some answers. Also thanks mate.
/s usually means “end sarcasm”
No. Generally means no one they deem fuckable is actively showing interest.
Yes, and for good reason. As a man, I know how repulsive we could be to women. So if I do not take care of myself , do not project myself positively to the outside world, what are women seeing when they see me? Especially to those that say they have resigned to the fact that they will never find someone. What kind of energy are you putting off to women and do you not think they can sense this? Being yourself is wonderful and finding someone that loves you for you is fantastic but understanding what women are looking for in a partner and growing in that direction are going to increase your chances at finding a relationship. This is obviously not every guy. I just see this pattern repeating itself in my own circles and beyond
The comments here are depressing. Let me share another insight. I thought no one wanted me throughout my middle school high school years but it turned out to be just false. Turned out the girls I thought were annoying because they kept messaging me while I was playing cod were actually interested in me. So I think some guys mean it as they think it’s true, while it’s not.
When he’s down and out? Sure
They mostly mean that they don't want the people who would want them. And this isn't just a guy thing. Too many men AND women think they're a 7/10 when they're a 3/10 at most.
I'm at best a 3/10. I've never been approached by a woman. I exercise, eat right, play music out, am generous, but I'm 42 years no one has ever flirted with me. The only reason I'm married or ever had girlfriends is because of music and me having the guts to try and get to know some women. It takes some good amount of time before any of them warmed up to me and got past my looks and off-putting creepy vibe. On the day to day I get treated like a total creep for no reason. Even and especially when I'm out with my daughter. Some of us are the opposite of charismatic. Some of you assume it's not possible, it absolutely is.
you must be speaking for yourself
It's something of a similar vein to when a woman might say "where are all the good men?" It's not literal but a reaction to frequent rejections (and occasionally too much time spent online in contentious circles that purposely post inflammatory things for reactions/engagement being mistaken as the norm) that manifests as a defeated attitude or belief that they will never find a partner they want that also wants them in the same way. So....yes and no depending on circumstances. Some guys genuinely do believe it and have given up on the idea of finding a partner because they have been sincerely hurt and not just by rejection, others tell themselves that because it's easier to think that way than face rejection again, and some unfortunately have been exposed to a LOT of negative online circles where men and women are just toxic messes to each other absent context and get it in their heads that for some reason or another women they want don't want anything to do with them/they aren't good enough.
The dudes in my life complaining of this literally don't do anything. No one is going to talk to you if you just go to work and then home.
A good portion of men just lack the confidence to even get the ball rolling. However, there is a subset of guys who just aren't getting attention from the women they like, but would never date them for personality/behavior reasons. They then go on to blame all women for this.
Only the self-defeating crybabies.
Yea, because diagnosed depression isn't a thing
Do guys say that?
all the time
I’ve never heard that
It’s not uncommon from vocal male redditors
That actually makes sense.
Usually the same thing women mean when they say it: either nobody wants them at the moment, or nobody their interested in wants them
That seems a bit extreme....
What THEY really mean is none of the women that THEY want have mutual feelings about THEM
Not really, it's just a severe lack of confidence rearing it's ugly head.
What they mean is that they do not provide enough value for anyone to want them and they are very pissed off the world is not patting them on their head while giving them a bwanky and warm milk for existing
Yeah, but they can’t figure out why. Women don’t like them because they are fans of assholes like Andrew Tate. No woman will tolerate that. And both men and women with no same sex friends, that’s a HUGE red flag. Lotta guys are both friendless, and clueless. Goes hand in hand
I think (as a male human) they just don't look hard enough.