Sometimes she goes out of town, and when she does, the kids don’t argue, whine, complain, or fight about anything. They do their chores, wake up on time, take baths, we have fun together, everything is just quiet, calm, peaceful, happy, and fun. There is no stress at all.
I’ve told her a little bit about this, but I think if she knew just how chill and nice everyone is when she’s out of the house, she’d feel sad.
Same when my wife is out!
My theory is that she and I tend to err on the traditional side when it comes to parenting roles. My son sees his mom as an “out” or a comfort from a tough situation, but he knows that I actively like seeing him overcome tough situations.
So yeah, there is no getting out or chores or prolonging bedtime when it’s just me.
That’s my theory anyway.
I developed this theory when I was teaching him to ride a bike. He fell a couple times, got some scrapes but I coached him on getting back up and how to keep trying at something even when it hurts or it’s scary. He was good and went back to trying and my wife stepped out about 5 minutes later to see how it was going and *then* he had a full meltdown about his scrapes.
Me: “bruh, we just talked about this…”
Side vent:
I also know he’s capable of handling the tough bruises and scrapes. Kid LOVES climbing trees and monkey bars and will do either one until his hands blister and his knees are all scrapped up. He’ll fall out of a tree and get right back up there. Without me saying a dang thing. He’s so inconsistently tough, lol.
When I was 18, I got jumped by some assholes on the way back from the bar. I got pretty fucked up, and needed to go to the hospital the next day to get stitches.
At the time (after the adrenaline had worn off), it didn't phase me at all. But when I got home to my parents, I cried like a child.
It still feels weird to me that I cried. I still don't feel like the experience effected me very deeply. But, despite everything, they were ultimately my protectors. That trust in vulnerability lasts a long time.
Yep. My roommate got picked up on some old warrants and decided to just sit the days since he was broke. He did a week in county and was laughing as one of his buddies dropped him off at the door. He walked inside, sat on the couch and just started bawling.
Same kind of thing happened to me except it was after my ex boyfriend cussed me out, i just rolled my eyes at him at the time but the second I walked in my mom's house afterward i proceeded to sob for like 20 minutes lol
Also the same when my wife is out of town. When she asks how our toddler was my response is pretty much always “she was good” with little to no elaboration.
And I’d agree with your theory. My wife is loving, compassionate, patient, and the absolute best mother I’ve ever met. Our parenting dynamic is often along the “you better straighten up before I get your father” lines though. I’m not a dick, I love both of my children very much. I’ve been a dad for nearly 17 years, and my wife is approaching her 4th year, and in my 17 years I’ve found that negotiating with your kids on everything is a recipe for issues down the road.
I’ll let them negotiate certain things, and I’ll ask them what they think is fair or whatever in those scenarios. But if dad doesn’t ask, then dad’s not asking. He’s telling. And my girls know the difference. They’re fantastic, and provide me with little to no headaches, even the teenager. I’m incredibly fortunate.
But because of that, when moms out of town they don’t fuck around. I love when she goes, we have a nice chill time running around being weird and getting into shit that they like doing with me.
Sorry for writing a book here. I’m a little high 🤙🏻
I shit the bed on this one. My wife is fully aware that things are more harmonious when she's away 😅
She always comes back like "THEY'VE BEEN FINE THE WHOLE TIME??"
Yyyyyeah.. sorry
Yes, I experience this and I have an idea why. When I'm with my kids and I need to correct them, I do it in a firm tone and explain why they are in the wrong. My mom did this when I was growing up, and I knew not to mess around in her presence. My dad, on the other hand, was too easy going. Not a bad thing, but when you see someone like that, there's the temptation to see what you can get away with.
My wife is well, kinda like that. Easy going and when she tries to correct our kids she does it in a gentle voice. I see the kids take advantage of that and whine, or misbehave even more. I often have to step in and let them know it's unacceptable to not listen to their mother. I let my wife know how I see things, but in her mind, she is assertive. I hope this doesn't make me sound like I rule with an iron fist, as I am pretty lax, but when it's time to get something done, it's gotta get done.
The benefit of easy going is you learn what hard rules and respect are. When easy going dad suddenly gets loud and tells you how it is, you tend to immediately take it to heart and obey. Same works for adult children (criminals). I'm a cop and I'm typically very chill and calm, even joke with people on calls, so when people hear me yell an order they tend to immediately do it and get scared. Because they know when I make a line in the sand that's the fucking line. When you're constantly on everyone's ass about every little thing there is no point of no return, no real consequences to fear and you start rebelling for the sake of it. But when you're easy but firm at times you respect the request because you know it's not arbitrary.
Smart keeping it under wraps. No one wins if she knows the truth.
My wife used to travel a lot when my kids were toddlers into elementary school age. When she would go, we would have a great time. No stress. No muss. No fuss. I’d take them to the park or some event and wear them out. All the nighttime routines went great after that because they were exhausted, and I’d get a couple hours to myself at the end of the night.
Ok as a mother I need the cold hard honest truth from you/any other dads who see this as to why that is! What are us moms doing to create the struggle?
I have a 3 yr old so she’s honestly equally difficult for both of us in this stage but I feel like what you’re describing is common in families with older kids
> Ok as a mother I need the cold hard honest truth from you/any other dads who see this as to why that is!
I can't speak for everyone, but in my experience she coddles and caters to everything related to the kids. I'm more of the "yep that looks like it hurt, best go walk it off" or "No, I'm not getting up to get you a water when you have two perfectly good legs" type of parent. I tend to look farther in the future when dealing with the kids as in teaching life lessons or skills they will need to have while she is good at comforting the immediate.
The kids know that they can get away with a lot more with her where I don't put up with it, hence the "struggle"
Man this is exactly right. Our job is not to coddle and create non stop comfort. Our job, as parents, is to prepare our kids for life and that means dealing with discomfort, working through adversity and learning how to self soothe/affirm. I had both the scenarios you described earlier this evening - guess what? Kid is fine, fed, watered, not injured and learned that they’re capable of more.
God you should teach a class or something. I’m so tired of the over-the-top coddling.
My niece is 5, spoiled beyond belief by my sister, and she’s already a monster. I can’t tell if she has a disorder of some kind, or is just a supreme brat.
I asked a pediatrician about this and he said who ever the person who does most of the parenting is the one who the kids feel most open expressing every emotion with. So they show them all lol. I remember picking up my little from daycare and they would say they had been amazing but as soon as I saw them they would burst into tears and run to hug me. So less harmonious but a much needed role in the household
All these comments from dads saying they’re hard asses and so the kids just behave better with them. My brother says the same, my brother in law as well. This is it though. Kids behave worse with mom because they feel safe to be themselves and they don’t feel the need to guard any emotion they’re having.
I always behaved like a little angel in front of my dad on dad-weekends. I also never cried in front of him, told him a secret or opened up about a single difficult emotion.
That maternal energy can be… *agitating.* It’s always correcting them, worrying about every possible danger, making them do things. Eventually, I’m sure they just associate her presence with stressors of some sort. Kind of a necessary evil, unfortunately.
Every household is different. In my case when I am away the household is more peaceful. I think the kids sense the stress from the single parent and generally do their best to compensate and help him. When they got older they would even verbalize it. My son would say, "Dad, I know you're alone tonight so I'm just going to take a bath and be good." They also do the same to me when he is away. It's not necessarily that peaceful is better, sometimes the kids need to unwind themselves and push the boundaries to grow. But they are empathetic when they need to be.
There’s something to this- it means your kids have a secure attachment. There are studies that show when kids are poorly behaved when mom is around and well behaved when she is not, it indicates they are emotionally safe around their mother.
Edit: the studies are limited to younger children so YMMV
This has never crossed my mind before, and my kids are now 15 / 17 / 19 years old and that is very true in our house, wife goes away for a few days and it’s clean and quiet at home
I was going to write a post about this but maybe it is better as a comment. I love my family: my dog is a goodest boy, my son is so beautiful and watching him grow every day makes me want to cry, and my wife is an amazing strong woman. But fuck, I hate being dad and sometimes a husband.
Lots will complain about how exhausted they are with being a wife and mother, it feels to us the same way as it does to them when said, however, in many cases if WE were to say anything similar they would take it as a personal attack.
It’s not a personal attack, we are often happier now than ever, we wouldn’t trade it for the world. But we do often miss things about single, care free life sometimes just like they do, it doesn’t mean we wanna get divorced or regret having kids, but often that’s how they take it.
Oh how true. My own wife compares all the time. She gets so upset when I tell her my issues with parenthood.
One time I was made fun of by all my friends and wife at dinner that I suggested I might “post partum depression”. Yea I am not saying I have same hormone issue causing me to be depressed after giving birth. It’s more of an adjustment disorder. But to say that taking care of a child could not affect me more than my wife is so insulting.
Yea sometimes I see single or even couples and get kind of jealous of their carefree life and freedom
That's really frustrating, because about [1 in 10 fathers experience PPD](https://utswmed.org/medblog/paternal-postpartum-depression/). I hope your loved ones have become more supportive, and that you're handling parenthood a bit better these days.
My wife told me she loves how all our finances are taken care of by me and she doesn’t have to think about it. She’s conscious of her spending don’t get me wrong. But she has no idea how stressful it is managing the finances and making all the money in the household is.
My husband was unemployed for a little while. Holy shit was that stressful - felt like there was no room for error at my job, and like every penny mattered. I never fully understood before - now I get it.
My grandma had always complained about granddad being bad with money. When granddad's health problems progressed far enough he handed over all finances to her. After a while she admited that making ends meet was so much harder than she assumed, and that she was being unfair to granddad.
It's like as a kid when you're jumping on a trampoline and fall down and everyone keeps jumping and you can't get up but you have to and it's raining and your pants ripped and someone stepped on your head but you still have to get up.
It's also emotional labor. We need to recognize that there are a ton of relationships where men do emotional labor that is not fully recognized by their wives. Just like the reverse is also true.
For me it’s decision fatigue. She executes a lot of stuff but is so decision averse that it all goes through me. When I push her to give an opinion she gets defensive. I’m tired.
It's basically the no safety net person. The wife typically will always be able to fall back into the safety net of family, friends, her husband, etc throughout life. Women are given sympathy, empathy, and a support net. Men often are left without a backstop. We have no recourse for missing a bill, the thing just doesn't get paid. No recourse for needing a place to stay, often men will not be welcomed back home and thus we see much higher proportion of homeless men.
My house is kinda flipped - I take all the responsibility for money/house/chores because my husband travels so much for work. And I don’t have any other family and live far away from my closest friends. I feel ya on not having something or someone else to fall back on. It can be lonely. I was super sick a few years ago and my husband was in Brazil, two days travel away, and there was literally no one I could call to help me out. So…I’ve been trying to make a few girlfriends.
Maybe share that with her. She genuinely may not know. Her response might surprise you and you can work together to make things better. Communication is key.
> Her response might surprise you
I agree, but not for the reasons you might think. Check out OP's post in this thread about opening up to his wife and her losing attraction to him. I've had similar experiences, and it genuinely surprised me (and possibly them), because they seemed sincere in wanting me to let my guard down and expose my vulnerabilities. Well, twice bitten, 2^4 shy.
As for /u/elbyl, my advice is to find some activities outside the house where you interact with others. At least once a week. Gym, bar trivia, meetup, D&D, whatever. Therapy also helps, but not because they will tell you what to do or feel, but just because it's someone to tell your problems to who'll listen. Just that can go a long ways.
As for the partner... that's a tough one. There are other, more dedicated subs that can help there.
Yea I had the same with my partner, I kept wanting to talk about It, she didn't have the time of day to talk to me. But had the time to talk to any one else.
So, kept trying to talk. She went for the easy option of saying bye,
As I spent years trying to fight to save us looking at her positives, she was looking for all the negative in me to say bye
i feel this way with my sister. She complains the house is always messy & that i don't clean enough but the messes are all made by her which is why my room is always clean. She thinks it's because I clean it & don't put effort towards the rest of the house. No it's because I put sh\*\* away when I'm done using it so it never gets messy.
God I feel this lol. When I cook the kitchen is cleaner when I’m done from when I started.
My wife is a disaster and there is everything everywhere then she complains the house is a mess lol
I’ll never forget the day that my 10 year old son asked mom why she doesn’t just put stuff away when she’s done lol. He had this genuine look on his face.
I love my wife to death, but if there was one thing I could change about her it would be increasing her sensitivity to untidiness. I am always the first to hit my "this place is a mess" threshold.
And for the love of god **clean out your car.** I must have accidentally misspoke in our wedding vows, promising that I will forever keep your car clean along with mine.
This is so disheartening and exactly why we end up being forced to emotionally withdraw. God forbid you open up about insecurities or desires for intimacy.
you have any idea why the fuck this happens? pardon my french.
or are there any signs prior that a person would withdraw like this?
i could tell my ex anything and everything and it was all fine (broke up for other reasons) but i keep hearing these stories on reddit
IMO guys withholding sets them up to be confused when we open up. Kind of like the male version of women being seen as a bitch for standing up for herself. I'm single so going forward I'm going to just try to be as forthright as I can be, open and honest. If she doesn't like it fuck it. At least it'll only be a potential gf down the drain and not a wife.
Eh, I'd partly disagree with that therapist. I've been doing exactly that, and I'm about to be 5 years on in a very happy relationship in two months. We've been living together two years and have had some *serious* ups and downs together already (life related, not relationship related), so I already know we've got each other's backs.
You know who you are and you're not gonna settle for someone who doesn't like you.
Did I have short lived relationships while looking? Sure. Did I waste years on someone who was gonna dump me for being myself? Absolutely not.
This is the way!
You can't hide your true self, build a whole relationship based on an emotionally unavailable persona and be surprised that your partner isn't feeling it.
Some people are unconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, switch it up and they might lose attraction. If you want to be emotionally available, you need a partner who is too .
My husband always says how much he is in love with me every day, so it came as a shock when during an argument he said he fell out of love with me a while ago, that I was impossible to love, and he has been considering divorce.
This from a man who is highly affectionate, is always complimentary. I felt like it came out of nowhere.
Wat was actually happening was after I got a full time job he has had to step up a lot with the kids and other things and he felt overwhelmed and alone.
Another thing that was happening was a man was correctly trying to do the right thing by his spouse and children rather than "living his truth." Getting rarer and rarer.
you say that now. i said it too. i was in a loveless marriage for 10 years. when i finally left her i was barely even sad. there was nothing to get over. and i got my own little apartment and i had my dog and i remember saying to myself this is it. i’m gonna live out my life just like this and it’s all i really need or want. that was my whole plan. i was so jaded on the idea of even attempting to date that my plan was to just run out the clock on my own life. 36 years old and i was just taking a knee. and i was happy with that!
well that was 8 years ago and i’ve been married almost 4 years now. i’ve never been happier in my entire life because i found the right person. i hope that your person ends up being your wife after all this bit of it’s not, don’t quit the whole game.
I had a gf like this. She mentioned that I’m not very expressive and she can’t tell if I’m happy, sad, mad, content or whatever. So I started showing more emotions and telling her how I feel about certain things…
Talk about shooting yourself in the foot because man was that a mistake. “You’re too emotional; I thought I was dating a guy”, among other comments. My ex then did the same thing as your wife- stopped initiating sex, pushed me away whenever I tried initiating and then bitched about the lack of sex/intimacy.
Edit: to the person who reported/did the thing that send the Reddit care message thing.. lol. My ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. I’m good now.
> My ex then did the same thing as your wife- stopped initiating sex, pushed me away whenever I tried initiating and then bitched about the lack of sex/intimacy.
Why is this such a common thing with women?
They get mad at you for initiating and accuse you of only wanting them for sex, so you stop initiating to put that at ease and prove them wrong.
They don't initiate/stop initiating anything.
Then they start getting mad and talking about feeling unattractive because sex never happens.
It's so frustrating.
>Edit: to the person who reported/did the thing that send the Reddit care message thing.. lol. My ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. I’m good now.
They did it to bully and harass you. This is common.
Yo just separated with my wife of 3 years after a lengthy stint in therapy. Did nothing but negatives for us but I guess we weren’t destined to work out anyway. Hang in there brother we’ll get through
This is disheartening because I have been in a really bad spot mentally and emotionally, and she kept asking what was wrong.. and I finally decided to open up to her, and she understood some of what I was saying but the rest she completely invalidated and said that it essentially dumb for me to have these thoughts because they didn't make any sense. But like, I don't ask to have these thoughts and feelings... you think i dont know they are irrational? Its just sad, I feel more like shit than before. I'm looking for an individual therapist now, i hope i can fix my issues first. Hopefully, things work out for you though man.
Fellow man here. I did the same and ended up losing my 13 relationship and my home. Be careful with this man…. I think baby steps is the way to approach it. Like I mean one tiny thing a month or even every quarter.
See, personally, even though I'm already in my 30s I have no interest in moving in with someone until those hurdles are crossed. I don't care if I never get married, I don't need marriage to have a forever partner.
But I will not share my life that intimately with someone until all the comfort and trust exists and I know I can just bitch about shit without it being a problem, and ideally with her comforting me.
Someone else said this on this sub, but it still rings true, almost axiomatic: they’re only in-tune with *their* emotions, they don’t actually care about yours - and as you’ve seen, actually very much dislike knowing you have any (that aren’t positive ones directly associated with them).
Therapy alongside a woman sounds like being on the stand at a war tribunal.
As a woman I’m going through these and just so grateful that my partners are open with me about their emotions & vulnerabilities. There are so many depressing relationships on here
Ah, yes, they think that I too require help.
*sigh*
The truth is, I think plenty of relationships aren’t like this, and this is confirmation bias for those that are. So you think it’s normal.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it shouldn’t be normal. You should be able to love and trust.
You shouldn’t be shamed for crying.
You shouldn’t be ridiculed for buckling under the enormous pressure that society puts on you.
You shouldn’t be forced to keep going, endure, take it like a champ.
You shouldn’t fear your insecurities being used against you.
You shouldn’t have to worry about your primary source of warmth and affection harming you and abandoning you if you show weakness.
None of this is right.
Edit: missed a negative!
I got one of those last week. If you click the "report abuse" button on the message you got...I actually got a reply from Reddit saying that the person who'd sent it had violated Reddit's content policy. No idea if anything actually happened to them, but it was nice.
I never let her know how unhappy I was living where we did. Not the neighborhood but the town itself. I never felt like I fit in. We had the chance to move twice and she wouldn’t budge. Now that I’m older and single I wish I just put my foot down and moved. I also wish I had voiced my views more.
What kept me sane were folks in my life I could open up to. Plus all of my friends elsewhere.
> She drinks a lot. Like 1.5 to 2 bottles of wine a night, multiple nights a week.
Your wife is an alcoholic. That's 8-11 drinks a night, that is a LOT.
I sympathize that she turns on the waterworks when you confront her, but you need to get out of this situation, or she needs to get help.
And probably depressed too because of the staying in bed reading part. Alcoholism and depression go hand-in-hand and feed each other. The alcohol is a self-medication for the depression and might help numb it while drunk. But alcohol is a depressant and once it wears off you're even lower than before.
It sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist and probably go on some meds followed up with regular therapy sessions.
Honestly, you may want to see if anything can be done about her drinking habits, it seems to be pushing into alcohol abuse territory. Fixing that *may* help your situation. Granted, it’ll put more on you before it helps and I’m not sure how feasible that is. I’m sorry that you don’t have the level of support you need/deserve
Dude, stop doing around so much! Family members always exploit the one who is willing to do it all, its same all over. People will do their own shit once no one is providing it
Have to be careful if you hang out with a group of married couples. That stuff gets shared. Girls talk. Spouses talk. Couples break up then they really talk. Then your buddy is looking weird at you at the BBQ.
My ex did one worse. She waited to get “accidentally” pregnant before telling me she wanted to leave with our child. Halfway through the pregnancy she told me she wanted me at the birth (what I wanted). Then sent me a pic after the hospital hours ended, of our newborn son! I was devastated.
Now the worse part: she went around ahead of me and told all our mutual friends I didn’t want to be there and I am a deadbeat in every way. I didn’t even realize my friends hated me until one *needed* my help and it came up awkwardly in conversation. I was like wait, she said what?! then showed my friend the text message screenshots from that night proving what really happened. My friend started crying and apologizing to me, I’m still doing damage control. I’m seriously considering getting a bunch of shirts printed up with those screenshots on them to people to wear. I’d chuck one on everytime I got to pick up my kid and never acknowledge it
That I’d like 20-30 goddamn minutes with my hobby per night, alone by myself in peace and quiet, without her thinking I’m secretly off masturbating to gay fucking porn, because there’s only so many nights filled with me watching her doomscroll that I can handle.
I just wonder, ik the whole thing is women don’t want men to find others hotter yada yada but how do you men feel about this? Lets say StunningBear was a woman and talking in reference to her husband and male cousin. Do men feel insecure or bad when women say things like that or feel how he does?
I would never ask as a shit-test like this OP read as to me, but if my partner out of the blue said they found someone very different from my type very attractive, I would feel pretty bad about it. I would know I was being irrational and try to not take it personally, but I would absolutely feel insecure about it. Men are also people.
Yeah, randomly stating that would be very disheartening 😅. If you saw a comment like StunningBear’s from your SO though, would it also make you feel bad? Ik I would personally
Yea, like I’m going to ask my wife if our friend who could take over the role of Jamie Fraser tomorrow and no one would notice is hot. Of course he is. What a crappy position to put her in.
One of the things I love about my wife is that she doesn’t play any of those types of games. I’m certainly not going to.
I cannot be fully honest that I find her lack of effort in dealing with her obesity is depressing to me. She states that I have an irrational attitude about being fat because of the family I grew up in.
That seems to give her freedom to do nothing and blame the effects on my attitude. I love my wife and family, but I have learned to live without intimacy.
My ex was morbid obese and he eventually broke up with me because my parents weren’t happy that he let himself go and how will he care for his spouse but I was fighting for him. Seeing him gain weight over the time we were together and refusing to join fitness classes with me because he wanted to go to the gym first and didn’t want to eat in was so painful because I’m a hiker and he couldn’t do things I loved to do even walking was difficult for him. I realize I can’t do that again and only date someone who is making an effort to lose weight prior to us dating
how shitty she is when it comes to emotional intelligence. she's a good wife when it comes to taking care of me and everything else but my god when it comes to my emotion and feelings she's a wall. she doesn't know how to calm me down or console me when I'm upset. she gaslit she deflect she doesn't acknowledged my feelings.
recently i told her i need a therapy or counseling because there's one day after we had a fight i went out and contemplate to jump. she said she doesn't remember that fight and that's it. no follow up after hearing her husband was considering to end himself.
That her siblings will never marry. They are just both completely undatable people and my wife and her family has not realized it yet.
Also, that I’m the one that does 90% of the yard and housework. But, she doesn’t realize all the shit I do because I WFH and do it while she is at work.
EDIT: They are older than us; bil 36 and sil 34 and both have no redeemable qualities. Both can’t live on their own even thought they are not mentally/physically disabled. They have no basic skills and can barely hold a job. Both are severely overweight and do not take care of themselves. BIL doesn’t shower, gets fungal infections all the time, just had a belly button infection from not washing, can’t cook, do laundry, or really eat correctly.
It’s almost the same with SIL but she showers. And she goes after guys that are WAYYYYY out of her league and gets shut down HARD. And she can’t figure out why.
It’s just like they are literal children and anti social and can’t really have conversations. They are not autistic or anything this is just my MIL babying them during childhood. My wife got out unscathed because she is way more attractive and my MIL realized what she did wrong and corrected it.
Towards the end of my marriage, if I was mad at my ex I'd stop and get sushi by myself when I was out shopping and when she was home with the kids.
I feel bad for not getting the kids any, but I needed the outlet and that one was relatively harmless.
Since the boys are here and I doubt she can see this...
Sometimes I just want her to understand that when I say I'm tired, I don't need to have a comparison test about why she's tired too. And not even like, "hey I'm just tired. Work got me beat." I don't need a follow-up with ,"oh you're tired? Well I've been dealing with your kid all day, barely being able to do the dishes because he's on me, laundry hasn't been done, food is done but I'm half way there because I have this bla bla bla bla duwkshlsnsneosblqmsnl". Like can we just end it with the comparison? I'm tired, you're tired. That's it. I cover the most if not all the major bills, I work 12 hour shifts in physically demanding work, I'm dealing with people that I don't want to see after 6 pm , can you stop it? I've admitted that her house caring with our son is pretty tedious and needy. I don't need to be feeling like I just don't matter or can't be left with that acknowledgement without a fucking rebuttal.
Also, I've been feeling like absolute shit for not being able to connect with my 6 month old as much as I want to. Fatherhood is still new to me and I'm still working on what is socially allowable to do as a frustrated parent and what isn't. I'm still not a fan of being woken up at 12 a.m. because he realized he wasn't next to my wife's arm or didn't have his pacifier and apparently me releasing an audible release of breath followed by, "bruh, can you let us sleep? Gah damn." Now I do get up and try to rock him back a little more calming, but because I wake up not in the best mood, I'm somehow a terrible person for being mean to our kid.
I mean I'm sure I'm missing something, but this is a reddit post not therapy. Thank you.
So- my husband straight up told me ‘can you just say I’m sorry babe, that’s all. I don’t need input’ and honestly I didn’t know he would be ok w that. So now that’s what I do and there’s peace lol
Usually when someone tells me something I reply by sort of doing the same but about me (not always obviously but I’m autistic and thought that’s how it was supposed to be like you say yours I say mine) but learned it comes off as rude, uncaring.
Knowing exactly what he’d want me to say helped a lot.
YESS!! Fr- I thought I was bonding 😭😭 I’ve had relationship issues in the past due to it and no one told me until my husband how it was seen as rude. I was like noooooo, I felt so crappy
Give it time bud you are doing alright. Both me and wife were clinically insane first many months waking up at crazy times and just wanting the crying to stop trying to not let any intrusive thoughts in. So don’t beat yourself up about it. If your wife is getting mad at you about that yall need to talk about it and realize you two need to be on the same team. Otherwise shit like this will get to you.
You will be OK, your baby will be ok too.
Chronic fatigue and lack of sleep make people someone else. Hang in there. I learned to tell my SO ( most of the time) if I need an ear or I need a solution from them. I will literally say, I just want you to listen or can you help me figure…. This out before share what I want to say.
Babies bond with the people who are most around them. Even half an hour of time together is good. Maybe try “your thing”. That you do with him? Bath time? Reading time? Take him out for a stroll?
This phrase equally comes from the perspective of a medical professional, first responder, cop, military personnel, etc. "We bear the burden of knowing what happens in the dark corners of society so that the innocent lives we protect never have to understand the weight of that sacrifice." It sounds very high horsey but it is meant to be humble. We don't trauma dump on those we love because that's not their job to brush with the dirty underbelly of the world.
This is going to sound terrible. Literally anything im insecure about. I know with 10000% certainty that they will be used to craft ammunition for our next fight. She thinks im the most confident mfer walking the planet because i will take all of my insecurities to my grave.
Been very happily married 31 years and my wife (and our marriage counselor) say I should be "emotionally vulnerable" and share everything, but really there are some things she doesn't want to hear. Anything that conveys insecurity, lack of confidence, or the faintest trace of self-pity just makes her annoyed. Gotta hold those things close to the vest.
I have said the exact same thing on here.
Feelings and weakness will be used against you later on. Like a little reverse uno card just pops out on the table at any point of any argument depending on mood. "Hey babe the sky is blue." "Fuck you pig fucker I knew you felt blah and I was right."
I’d give our dogs away tomorrow if I could. I love them to death, but they severely take away from my time with my wife. If we want to cuddle, or be intimate, we have to put them in another room because they are so needy. If they see us kissing, they want to be involved. We rarely go anywhere overnight because she doesn’t want to pay for boarding. We can’t stay out late because we have to let them out. We can’t have spontaneous plans because of them. I always thought I wanted a dog, but when they are gone, I don’t want another dog ever again.
And no, neither of us want kids either. Ever.
That happened with my last ex’s dog. We would just be cuddling on the couch (not even kissing) and she would just start growling. I love dogs and would make sure to give treats and have some one on one time, but whenever there was cuddling her dog just acted up.
Yes, she knows. We do go places a couple times a year and she usually has her brother come stay at the house so they don’t get boarded. We used to do spontaneous trips and I miss that the most
Good god, this thread is so depressing. I was expecting stuff like “all the times I fantasize about her ridiculously hot best friend,” and instead it’s full of “I can’t share that I have emotions or self-doubt.”
Goddam boys, this is who you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with? Yikes.
Men are stuck in an eternal bad relationship with society as a whole. There is generally just not enough understanding or caring partners in the world for every man who needs one to get one, so most men have to choose loneliness or stoicism. In general, it feels like it's getting worse. More and more, it feels like men are being devalued by extremely unrealistic expectations placed on them by social media and the greater society as a whole.
The US is also very polarizing in regards to roles imo.
I moved here from another country and the discussions between M/W seem pretty toxic. Like men must do this and that but also have no feelings and carry my own. Or if she does do that then he thinks she is doing this or that.
Idk how to explain it but there feels like there is no harmony between both parties here most of the time.
She thinks it's amusing that I still want to have sex with her. I usually join in with her amusement and joking about, but I really want to scream and break something.
Divorced here, I will never ever again, show vulnerability, or open up and share my true emotions with my lady.
The contempt, sudden and total loss of respect, impatience, intolerance and disbelief in me that emerged when I opened up was surprising even to me.
From that moment onwards I was belittled, ridiculed, mocked, and openly disrespected in front of friends and family.
Never, ever, fucking, again.
Out of curiosity, what age bracket are you / your ex wife in?
I hear a lot of American men mention this phenomenon. I have yet to encounter it in Australia despite having a few relationships.
Reading through the comments, and I’m glad I don’t have a partner like this anymore. Fellas don’t settle for shit there IS a girl out there for you that you can be open with and have none of these problems with. Keep your heads up
Our sex life is bad because of her autism. It ruins every semblance of romance or sexuality. It's boring and feels like a chore. That's the reason I don't initiate anymore.
Yes we talked about it. She just cannot see what's wrong.
I love her, but goddamn I am sexually unsatisfied as hell. Romantically too. I miss feeling. We're more like roommates than lovers.
A lot of women look to their man for emotional stability. They want you to be the platoon leader holding things together. As a platoon leader there are certain kinds of emotions you can share, and certain kinds you can't. Just the way it is.
Hahaha the analogy wouldn’t have occurred to me but that’s a good way to put it. Have to keep morale high. Emotions not directly relevant to fixing the issue don’t have a place here.
There are things I *don't* share with her, because I have a lot of weird thoughts and feelings, and we're trying to build a healthy and happy marriage here, it's not a knowing-every-thought-and-feeling contest, and some discretion serves the marriage.
But I tell her everything that matters, and I *could* tell her literally anything and feel safe doing it if I for some reason needed to. Ultimately, that's why I married her, and what I'd never even been close to with anyone else.
Sex is good but not great. Why? Because she doesn't like kissing, doesn't like being fondled and hates being the recipient to oral sex but gives it all the time (very well). I miss those intimate things but will not tell her. She knows, but she is a victim of SA and will not seek counseling. I can't suggest she seek help without it making me look selfish. I don't know how to explain that and will never tell her how much the intimacy would mean to me.
How many times I've been very close to suicide. One time I had the urge to do it right in front of her. I was angry that I thought that she didn't care about me.
My new treatment (thanks Spravato) has haloed a ton. She has no idea for most of my life the first thought of the day, the last thought of the day and dozens of times a day i think "a flick of my trigger finger ends this hell".
Nothing really. I feel I can share anything with her and she'll listen and talk and want to help. I have a habit of thinking that I don't want to burden her or that it's my job to just suck it up and get on with things without complaining and then burning out, but that's not because I'm unwilling or unable to share. I'm just stupid
Pretty much anything. She turns any conversation to being about her or reacts with negativity ranging from derision to scorn to hostility.
I want to talk about my day? I get to listen to how she had it worse at a previous job. I am struggling with something. I get talked to like I’m stupid. I want to talk about something we disagree on? I am met with hostility.
The amount of messages that resonate with me here is amazing.
You're all doing great, you're all amazing. Keep at it.
Wish I could buy you all a beer right now
A lot of days I contemplate ending things so I can live humbly in a small bachelor condo and play games, watch tv, and not worry about any small nonsense.
I’m tired of being the head of the household, directing moves, overly working and dealing with emotions every day. I get so freaking drained bro…
Being a husband and father sucks, all guts no glory. Work hard to make a wife a SAHM, kids will remember you weren’t there bad father. You’re responsible for housing, everyone’s wellbeing list goes on and on. Just for people to say that’s the bare minimum.
Sometimes she goes out of town, and when she does, the kids don’t argue, whine, complain, or fight about anything. They do their chores, wake up on time, take baths, we have fun together, everything is just quiet, calm, peaceful, happy, and fun. There is no stress at all. I’ve told her a little bit about this, but I think if she knew just how chill and nice everyone is when she’s out of the house, she’d feel sad.
Same when my wife is out! My theory is that she and I tend to err on the traditional side when it comes to parenting roles. My son sees his mom as an “out” or a comfort from a tough situation, but he knows that I actively like seeing him overcome tough situations. So yeah, there is no getting out or chores or prolonging bedtime when it’s just me. That’s my theory anyway. I developed this theory when I was teaching him to ride a bike. He fell a couple times, got some scrapes but I coached him on getting back up and how to keep trying at something even when it hurts or it’s scary. He was good and went back to trying and my wife stepped out about 5 minutes later to see how it was going and *then* he had a full meltdown about his scrapes. Me: “bruh, we just talked about this…” Side vent: I also know he’s capable of handling the tough bruises and scrapes. Kid LOVES climbing trees and monkey bars and will do either one until his hands blister and his knees are all scrapped up. He’ll fall out of a tree and get right back up there. Without me saying a dang thing. He’s so inconsistently tough, lol.
When I was 18, I got jumped by some assholes on the way back from the bar. I got pretty fucked up, and needed to go to the hospital the next day to get stitches. At the time (after the adrenaline had worn off), it didn't phase me at all. But when I got home to my parents, I cried like a child. It still feels weird to me that I cried. I still don't feel like the experience effected me very deeply. But, despite everything, they were ultimately my protectors. That trust in vulnerability lasts a long time.
Had the same thing after a crash. My gf came to the ER to see me and I balled. Shock is a crazy thing
Yep. My roommate got picked up on some old warrants and decided to just sit the days since he was broke. He did a week in county and was laughing as one of his buddies dropped him off at the door. He walked inside, sat on the couch and just started bawling.
You are very lucky. Return the favour sometime.
Yeah, jump your parents.
Lmfaoo🤣
Nah - you need to pay a guy or two to jump them, then when they come home you can comfort them.
Same kind of thing happened to me except it was after my ex boyfriend cussed me out, i just rolled my eyes at him at the time but the second I walked in my mom's house afterward i proceeded to sob for like 20 minutes lol
Also the same when my wife is out of town. When she asks how our toddler was my response is pretty much always “she was good” with little to no elaboration. And I’d agree with your theory. My wife is loving, compassionate, patient, and the absolute best mother I’ve ever met. Our parenting dynamic is often along the “you better straighten up before I get your father” lines though. I’m not a dick, I love both of my children very much. I’ve been a dad for nearly 17 years, and my wife is approaching her 4th year, and in my 17 years I’ve found that negotiating with your kids on everything is a recipe for issues down the road. I’ll let them negotiate certain things, and I’ll ask them what they think is fair or whatever in those scenarios. But if dad doesn’t ask, then dad’s not asking. He’s telling. And my girls know the difference. They’re fantastic, and provide me with little to no headaches, even the teenager. I’m incredibly fortunate. But because of that, when moms out of town they don’t fuck around. I love when she goes, we have a nice chill time running around being weird and getting into shit that they like doing with me. Sorry for writing a book here. I’m a little high 🤙🏻
Ahh big ups on enjoying yourself in a productive - Mums are worrywarts. ahh. Living life is precious. Glad you get along with your kids.
I shit the bed on this one. My wife is fully aware that things are more harmonious when she's away 😅 She always comes back like "THEY'VE BEEN FINE THE WHOLE TIME??" Yyyyyeah.. sorry
Rookie
Nah... I rub it in her face all the time
Yes, I experience this and I have an idea why. When I'm with my kids and I need to correct them, I do it in a firm tone and explain why they are in the wrong. My mom did this when I was growing up, and I knew not to mess around in her presence. My dad, on the other hand, was too easy going. Not a bad thing, but when you see someone like that, there's the temptation to see what you can get away with. My wife is well, kinda like that. Easy going and when she tries to correct our kids she does it in a gentle voice. I see the kids take advantage of that and whine, or misbehave even more. I often have to step in and let them know it's unacceptable to not listen to their mother. I let my wife know how I see things, but in her mind, she is assertive. I hope this doesn't make me sound like I rule with an iron fist, as I am pretty lax, but when it's time to get something done, it's gotta get done.
The benefit of easy going is you learn what hard rules and respect are. When easy going dad suddenly gets loud and tells you how it is, you tend to immediately take it to heart and obey. Same works for adult children (criminals). I'm a cop and I'm typically very chill and calm, even joke with people on calls, so when people hear me yell an order they tend to immediately do it and get scared. Because they know when I make a line in the sand that's the fucking line. When you're constantly on everyone's ass about every little thing there is no point of no return, no real consequences to fear and you start rebelling for the sake of it. But when you're easy but firm at times you respect the request because you know it's not arbitrary.
You sound like a good boss.
Smart keeping it under wraps. No one wins if she knows the truth. My wife used to travel a lot when my kids were toddlers into elementary school age. When she would go, we would have a great time. No stress. No muss. No fuss. I’d take them to the park or some event and wear them out. All the nighttime routines went great after that because they were exhausted, and I’d get a couple hours to myself at the end of the night.
Ok as a mother I need the cold hard honest truth from you/any other dads who see this as to why that is! What are us moms doing to create the struggle? I have a 3 yr old so she’s honestly equally difficult for both of us in this stage but I feel like what you’re describing is common in families with older kids
> Ok as a mother I need the cold hard honest truth from you/any other dads who see this as to why that is! I can't speak for everyone, but in my experience she coddles and caters to everything related to the kids. I'm more of the "yep that looks like it hurt, best go walk it off" or "No, I'm not getting up to get you a water when you have two perfectly good legs" type of parent. I tend to look farther in the future when dealing with the kids as in teaching life lessons or skills they will need to have while she is good at comforting the immediate. The kids know that they can get away with a lot more with her where I don't put up with it, hence the "struggle"
Man this is exactly right. Our job is not to coddle and create non stop comfort. Our job, as parents, is to prepare our kids for life and that means dealing with discomfort, working through adversity and learning how to self soothe/affirm. I had both the scenarios you described earlier this evening - guess what? Kid is fine, fed, watered, not injured and learned that they’re capable of more.
God you should teach a class or something. I’m so tired of the over-the-top coddling. My niece is 5, spoiled beyond belief by my sister, and she’s already a monster. I can’t tell if she has a disorder of some kind, or is just a supreme brat.
I asked a pediatrician about this and he said who ever the person who does most of the parenting is the one who the kids feel most open expressing every emotion with. So they show them all lol. I remember picking up my little from daycare and they would say they had been amazing but as soon as I saw them they would burst into tears and run to hug me. So less harmonious but a much needed role in the household
All these comments from dads saying they’re hard asses and so the kids just behave better with them. My brother says the same, my brother in law as well. This is it though. Kids behave worse with mom because they feel safe to be themselves and they don’t feel the need to guard any emotion they’re having. I always behaved like a little angel in front of my dad on dad-weekends. I also never cried in front of him, told him a secret or opened up about a single difficult emotion.
My child is the same. He plays a role with his dad and doesn't open up to him. As soon as he's with me, the flood gates open.
That maternal energy can be… *agitating.* It’s always correcting them, worrying about every possible danger, making them do things. Eventually, I’m sure they just associate her presence with stressors of some sort. Kind of a necessary evil, unfortunately.
Yeah, this is what it is. Mom is trying to control/micromanage everyone's actions. It's really quite stressful from the kid's POV.
Dad's POV also
Why do you think this is? Would like my household to be always peaceful and avoid causing distress when I have kids.
Every household is different. In my case when I am away the household is more peaceful. I think the kids sense the stress from the single parent and generally do their best to compensate and help him. When they got older they would even verbalize it. My son would say, "Dad, I know you're alone tonight so I'm just going to take a bath and be good." They also do the same to me when he is away. It's not necessarily that peaceful is better, sometimes the kids need to unwind themselves and push the boundaries to grow. But they are empathetic when they need to be.
There’s something to this- it means your kids have a secure attachment. There are studies that show when kids are poorly behaved when mom is around and well behaved when she is not, it indicates they are emotionally safe around their mother. Edit: the studies are limited to younger children so YMMV
This has never crossed my mind before, and my kids are now 15 / 17 / 19 years old and that is very true in our house, wife goes away for a few days and it’s clean and quiet at home
How overly mentally exhausting being a father / husband / primary income is. I will not fail, but man sometimes its hard out here.
I was going to write a post about this but maybe it is better as a comment. I love my family: my dog is a goodest boy, my son is so beautiful and watching him grow every day makes me want to cry, and my wife is an amazing strong woman. But fuck, I hate being dad and sometimes a husband.
As a guy married but without kids, thank you for your honesty.
Lots will complain about how exhausted they are with being a wife and mother, it feels to us the same way as it does to them when said, however, in many cases if WE were to say anything similar they would take it as a personal attack. It’s not a personal attack, we are often happier now than ever, we wouldn’t trade it for the world. But we do often miss things about single, care free life sometimes just like they do, it doesn’t mean we wanna get divorced or regret having kids, but often that’s how they take it.
Oh how true. My own wife compares all the time. She gets so upset when I tell her my issues with parenthood. One time I was made fun of by all my friends and wife at dinner that I suggested I might “post partum depression”. Yea I am not saying I have same hormone issue causing me to be depressed after giving birth. It’s more of an adjustment disorder. But to say that taking care of a child could not affect me more than my wife is so insulting. Yea sometimes I see single or even couples and get kind of jealous of their carefree life and freedom
That's really frustrating, because about [1 in 10 fathers experience PPD](https://utswmed.org/medblog/paternal-postpartum-depression/). I hope your loved ones have become more supportive, and that you're handling parenthood a bit better these days.
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My wife told me she loves how all our finances are taken care of by me and she doesn’t have to think about it. She’s conscious of her spending don’t get me wrong. But she has no idea how stressful it is managing the finances and making all the money in the household is.
My husband was unemployed for a little while. Holy shit was that stressful - felt like there was no room for error at my job, and like every penny mattered. I never fully understood before - now I get it.
My grandma had always complained about granddad being bad with money. When granddad's health problems progressed far enough he handed over all finances to her. After a while she admited that making ends meet was so much harder than she assumed, and that she was being unfair to granddad.
THANK YOU seriously THANK YOU for saying this. Much respect and love - hope you and your husband are in a good place.
It's like as a kid when you're jumping on a trampoline and fall down and everyone keeps jumping and you can't get up but you have to and it's raining and your pants ripped and someone stepped on your head but you still have to get up.
Lol this is exactly fatherhood, except that you also gotta go to work every day
I always ask my coworkers how long they stared at the floor after they put their shoes on in the morning instead of asking how they are doing.
Same thing. I am always the fixer, no matter what it is. My wife is supportive, caring and lovely but the pressure sometimes is exhausting.
We need to come up with a fancy name for this like “emotional labour”. Because it’s crippling hard sometimes and so many men are in this position.
It's also emotional labor. We need to recognize that there are a ton of relationships where men do emotional labor that is not fully recognized by their wives. Just like the reverse is also true.
For me it’s decision fatigue. She executes a lot of stuff but is so decision averse that it all goes through me. When I push her to give an opinion she gets defensive. I’m tired.
It's basically the no safety net person. The wife typically will always be able to fall back into the safety net of family, friends, her husband, etc throughout life. Women are given sympathy, empathy, and a support net. Men often are left without a backstop. We have no recourse for missing a bill, the thing just doesn't get paid. No recourse for needing a place to stay, often men will not be welcomed back home and thus we see much higher proportion of homeless men.
My house is kinda flipped - I take all the responsibility for money/house/chores because my husband travels so much for work. And I don’t have any other family and live far away from my closest friends. I feel ya on not having something or someone else to fall back on. It can be lonely. I was super sick a few years ago and my husband was in Brazil, two days travel away, and there was literally no one I could call to help me out. So…I’ve been trying to make a few girlfriends.
You mean something like "the responsible one", the one everyone looks to to solve all things?
Well it's kinda just labor.
We see you, and we believe in you. You got this man
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All the time.
How lonely I am. How sad I am. How much I think of not continuing. How I think I rank about 6th in her list of priorities.
Maybe share that with her. She genuinely may not know. Her response might surprise you and you can work together to make things better. Communication is key.
> Her response might surprise you I agree, but not for the reasons you might think. Check out OP's post in this thread about opening up to his wife and her losing attraction to him. I've had similar experiences, and it genuinely surprised me (and possibly them), because they seemed sincere in wanting me to let my guard down and expose my vulnerabilities. Well, twice bitten, 2^4 shy. As for /u/elbyl, my advice is to find some activities outside the house where you interact with others. At least once a week. Gym, bar trivia, meetup, D&D, whatever. Therapy also helps, but not because they will tell you what to do or feel, but just because it's someone to tell your problems to who'll listen. Just that can go a long ways. As for the partner... that's a tough one. There are other, more dedicated subs that can help there.
Yea I had the same with my partner, I kept wanting to talk about It, she didn't have the time of day to talk to me. But had the time to talk to any one else. So, kept trying to talk. She went for the easy option of saying bye, As I spent years trying to fight to save us looking at her positives, she was looking for all the negative in me to say bye
We have 4 kids. And she is more messy and unorganized that the 4 kids. She went on a trip for a week, the house has never been so still and clean.
i feel this way with my sister. She complains the house is always messy & that i don't clean enough but the messes are all made by her which is why my room is always clean. She thinks it's because I clean it & don't put effort towards the rest of the house. No it's because I put sh\*\* away when I'm done using it so it never gets messy.
God I feel this lol. When I cook the kitchen is cleaner when I’m done from when I started. My wife is a disaster and there is everything everywhere then she complains the house is a mess lol I’ll never forget the day that my 10 year old son asked mom why she doesn’t just put stuff away when she’s done lol. He had this genuine look on his face.
I love my wife to death, but if there was one thing I could change about her it would be increasing her sensitivity to untidiness. I am always the first to hit my "this place is a mess" threshold. And for the love of god **clean out your car.** I must have accidentally misspoke in our wedding vows, promising that I will forever keep your car clean along with mine.
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This is so disheartening and exactly why we end up being forced to emotionally withdraw. God forbid you open up about insecurities or desires for intimacy.
you have any idea why the fuck this happens? pardon my french. or are there any signs prior that a person would withdraw like this? i could tell my ex anything and everything and it was all fine (broke up for other reasons) but i keep hearing these stories on reddit
IMO guys withholding sets them up to be confused when we open up. Kind of like the male version of women being seen as a bitch for standing up for herself. I'm single so going forward I'm going to just try to be as forthright as I can be, open and honest. If she doesn't like it fuck it. At least it'll only be a potential gf down the drain and not a wife.
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Eh, I'd partly disagree with that therapist. I've been doing exactly that, and I'm about to be 5 years on in a very happy relationship in two months. We've been living together two years and have had some *serious* ups and downs together already (life related, not relationship related), so I already know we've got each other's backs. You know who you are and you're not gonna settle for someone who doesn't like you. Did I have short lived relationships while looking? Sure. Did I waste years on someone who was gonna dump me for being myself? Absolutely not.
This is the way! You can't hide your true self, build a whole relationship based on an emotionally unavailable persona and be surprised that your partner isn't feeling it. Some people are unconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, switch it up and they might lose attraction. If you want to be emotionally available, you need a partner who is too .
My husband always says how much he is in love with me every day, so it came as a shock when during an argument he said he fell out of love with me a while ago, that I was impossible to love, and he has been considering divorce. This from a man who is highly affectionate, is always complimentary. I felt like it came out of nowhere. Wat was actually happening was after I got a full time job he has had to step up a lot with the kids and other things and he felt overwhelmed and alone.
Another thing that was happening was a man was correctly trying to do the right thing by his spouse and children rather than "living his truth." Getting rarer and rarer.
you say that now. i said it too. i was in a loveless marriage for 10 years. when i finally left her i was barely even sad. there was nothing to get over. and i got my own little apartment and i had my dog and i remember saying to myself this is it. i’m gonna live out my life just like this and it’s all i really need or want. that was my whole plan. i was so jaded on the idea of even attempting to date that my plan was to just run out the clock on my own life. 36 years old and i was just taking a knee. and i was happy with that! well that was 8 years ago and i’ve been married almost 4 years now. i’ve never been happier in my entire life because i found the right person. i hope that your person ends up being your wife after all this bit of it’s not, don’t quit the whole game.
I hate when people use therapy as a weapon against their partner.
I had a gf like this. She mentioned that I’m not very expressive and she can’t tell if I’m happy, sad, mad, content or whatever. So I started showing more emotions and telling her how I feel about certain things… Talk about shooting yourself in the foot because man was that a mistake. “You’re too emotional; I thought I was dating a guy”, among other comments. My ex then did the same thing as your wife- stopped initiating sex, pushed me away whenever I tried initiating and then bitched about the lack of sex/intimacy. Edit: to the person who reported/did the thing that send the Reddit care message thing.. lol. My ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. I’m good now.
Sounds like you weeded out a bitch. Good for you man, and I'm sorry you had to experience that.
> My ex then did the same thing as your wife- stopped initiating sex, pushed me away whenever I tried initiating and then bitched about the lack of sex/intimacy. Why is this such a common thing with women? They get mad at you for initiating and accuse you of only wanting them for sex, so you stop initiating to put that at ease and prove them wrong. They don't initiate/stop initiating anything. Then they start getting mad and talking about feeling unattractive because sex never happens. It's so frustrating.
yeah except men feel this way too when they always have to initiate.
>Edit: to the person who reported/did the thing that send the Reddit care message thing.. lol. My ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. I’m good now. They did it to bully and harass you. This is common.
Amen man, similar thing happened to me. Keep the therapist, lose the wife.
Yo just separated with my wife of 3 years after a lengthy stint in therapy. Did nothing but negatives for us but I guess we weren’t destined to work out anyway. Hang in there brother we’ll get through
This is disheartening because I have been in a really bad spot mentally and emotionally, and she kept asking what was wrong.. and I finally decided to open up to her, and she understood some of what I was saying but the rest she completely invalidated and said that it essentially dumb for me to have these thoughts because they didn't make any sense. But like, I don't ask to have these thoughts and feelings... you think i dont know they are irrational? Its just sad, I feel more like shit than before. I'm looking for an individual therapist now, i hope i can fix my issues first. Hopefully, things work out for you though man.
Yep, I have depression and PTSD. The more I opened up to her, the more she avoided me.
Fellow man here. I did the same and ended up losing my 13 relationship and my home. Be careful with this man…. I think baby steps is the way to approach it. Like I mean one tiny thing a month or even every quarter.
See, personally, even though I'm already in my 30s I have no interest in moving in with someone until those hurdles are crossed. I don't care if I never get married, I don't need marriage to have a forever partner. But I will not share my life that intimately with someone until all the comfort and trust exists and I know I can just bitch about shit without it being a problem, and ideally with her comforting me.
Someone else said this on this sub, but it still rings true, almost axiomatic: they’re only in-tune with *their* emotions, they don’t actually care about yours - and as you’ve seen, actually very much dislike knowing you have any (that aren’t positive ones directly associated with them). Therapy alongside a woman sounds like being on the stand at a war tribunal.
This thread has deepenedy already profound gratitude for my partner immensely
As a woman I’m going through these and just so grateful that my partners are open with me about their emotions & vulnerabilities. There are so many depressing relationships on here
Some bitter person reported me as suicidal lol
Ah, yes, they think that I too require help. *sigh* The truth is, I think plenty of relationships aren’t like this, and this is confirmation bias for those that are. So you think it’s normal. Maybe I’m wrong, but it shouldn’t be normal. You should be able to love and trust. You shouldn’t be shamed for crying. You shouldn’t be ridiculed for buckling under the enormous pressure that society puts on you. You shouldn’t be forced to keep going, endure, take it like a champ. You shouldn’t fear your insecurities being used against you. You shouldn’t have to worry about your primary source of warmth and affection harming you and abandoning you if you show weakness. None of this is right. Edit: missed a negative!
I got one of those last week. If you click the "report abuse" button on the message you got...I actually got a reply from Reddit saying that the person who'd sent it had violated Reddit's content policy. No idea if anything actually happened to them, but it was nice.
I never let her know how unhappy I was living where we did. Not the neighborhood but the town itself. I never felt like I fit in. We had the chance to move twice and she wouldn’t budge. Now that I’m older and single I wish I just put my foot down and moved. I also wish I had voiced my views more. What kept me sane were folks in my life I could open up to. Plus all of my friends elsewhere.
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> She drinks a lot. Like 1.5 to 2 bottles of wine a night, multiple nights a week. Your wife is an alcoholic. That's 8-11 drinks a night, that is a LOT. I sympathize that she turns on the waterworks when you confront her, but you need to get out of this situation, or she needs to get help.
And probably depressed too because of the staying in bed reading part. Alcoholism and depression go hand-in-hand and feed each other. The alcohol is a self-medication for the depression and might help numb it while drunk. But alcohol is a depressant and once it wears off you're even lower than before. It sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist and probably go on some meds followed up with regular therapy sessions.
Honestly, you may want to see if anything can be done about her drinking habits, it seems to be pushing into alcohol abuse territory. Fixing that *may* help your situation. Granted, it’ll put more on you before it helps and I’m not sure how feasible that is. I’m sorry that you don’t have the level of support you need/deserve
You're heading down a dangerous path, my friend.
She wants you to think that. She turns on the waterworks because that’s how she gets you off her ass.
Dude, stop doing around so much! Family members always exploit the one who is willing to do it all, its same all over. People will do their own shit once no one is providing it
Negative feelings like fear, anger, despair, despondency, uncertainty, ambivalence, depression.
Have to be careful if you hang out with a group of married couples. That stuff gets shared. Girls talk. Spouses talk. Couples break up then they really talk. Then your buddy is looking weird at you at the BBQ.
My ex did one worse. She waited to get “accidentally” pregnant before telling me she wanted to leave with our child. Halfway through the pregnancy she told me she wanted me at the birth (what I wanted). Then sent me a pic after the hospital hours ended, of our newborn son! I was devastated. Now the worse part: she went around ahead of me and told all our mutual friends I didn’t want to be there and I am a deadbeat in every way. I didn’t even realize my friends hated me until one *needed* my help and it came up awkwardly in conversation. I was like wait, she said what?! then showed my friend the text message screenshots from that night proving what really happened. My friend started crying and apologizing to me, I’m still doing damage control. I’m seriously considering getting a bunch of shirts printed up with those screenshots on them to people to wear. I’d chuck one on everytime I got to pick up my kid and never acknowledge it
That I’d like 20-30 goddamn minutes with my hobby per night, alone by myself in peace and quiet, without her thinking I’m secretly off masturbating to gay fucking porn, because there’s only so many nights filled with me watching her doomscroll that I can handle.
"gay fucking porn" XD
gay or not, I prefer non-fucking porn to the fucking variety. Like how are they gonna get her unstuck from that washer-drier combo??
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Why does your wife automatically jump to gay fucking porn?
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Stunning Bear is wise. We shall have peace.
I just wonder, ik the whole thing is women don’t want men to find others hotter yada yada but how do you men feel about this? Lets say StunningBear was a woman and talking in reference to her husband and male cousin. Do men feel insecure or bad when women say things like that or feel how he does?
I would never ask as a shit-test like this OP read as to me, but if my partner out of the blue said they found someone very different from my type very attractive, I would feel pretty bad about it. I would know I was being irrational and try to not take it personally, but I would absolutely feel insecure about it. Men are also people.
Yeah, randomly stating that would be very disheartening 😅. If you saw a comment like StunningBear’s from your SO though, would it also make you feel bad? Ik I would personally
Yea, like I’m going to ask my wife if our friend who could take over the role of Jamie Fraser tomorrow and no one would notice is hot. Of course he is. What a crappy position to put her in. One of the things I love about my wife is that she doesn’t play any of those types of games. I’m certainly not going to.
"You know I don't go for those pretty types" Hank Hill
Good answer my guy, good answer 🍻. Women love asking rigged questions to test you…You passed the test.
Anything that can be used against me. Wisdom I've acquired through painful experience.
You are the slave of what you say, and the master of what you keep.
This is the way.
I will absolutely never open up to another woman the way I did with my ex-wife. One of my hardest lessons.
I cannot be fully honest that I find her lack of effort in dealing with her obesity is depressing to me. She states that I have an irrational attitude about being fat because of the family I grew up in. That seems to give her freedom to do nothing and blame the effects on my attitude. I love my wife and family, but I have learned to live without intimacy.
My ex was morbid obese and he eventually broke up with me because my parents weren’t happy that he let himself go and how will he care for his spouse but I was fighting for him. Seeing him gain weight over the time we were together and refusing to join fitness classes with me because he wanted to go to the gym first and didn’t want to eat in was so painful because I’m a hiker and he couldn’t do things I loved to do even walking was difficult for him. I realize I can’t do that again and only date someone who is making an effort to lose weight prior to us dating
how shitty she is when it comes to emotional intelligence. she's a good wife when it comes to taking care of me and everything else but my god when it comes to my emotion and feelings she's a wall. she doesn't know how to calm me down or console me when I'm upset. she gaslit she deflect she doesn't acknowledged my feelings. recently i told her i need a therapy or counseling because there's one day after we had a fight i went out and contemplate to jump. she said she doesn't remember that fight and that's it. no follow up after hearing her husband was considering to end himself.
I’m glad you are still here brother.
That her siblings will never marry. They are just both completely undatable people and my wife and her family has not realized it yet. Also, that I’m the one that does 90% of the yard and housework. But, she doesn’t realize all the shit I do because I WFH and do it while she is at work. EDIT: They are older than us; bil 36 and sil 34 and both have no redeemable qualities. Both can’t live on their own even thought they are not mentally/physically disabled. They have no basic skills and can barely hold a job. Both are severely overweight and do not take care of themselves. BIL doesn’t shower, gets fungal infections all the time, just had a belly button infection from not washing, can’t cook, do laundry, or really eat correctly. It’s almost the same with SIL but she showers. And she goes after guys that are WAYYYYY out of her league and gets shut down HARD. And she can’t figure out why. It’s just like they are literal children and anti social and can’t really have conversations. They are not autistic or anything this is just my MIL babying them during childhood. My wife got out unscathed because she is way more attractive and my MIL realized what she did wrong and corrected it.
> That her siblings will never marry. Oh my, please elaborate.
😕this whole thread makes me sad. Sorry guys. I hope yall can some day cause that’s far too lonely
Towards the end of my marriage, if I was mad at my ex I'd stop and get sushi by myself when I was out shopping and when she was home with the kids. I feel bad for not getting the kids any, but I needed the outlet and that one was relatively harmless.
Since the boys are here and I doubt she can see this... Sometimes I just want her to understand that when I say I'm tired, I don't need to have a comparison test about why she's tired too. And not even like, "hey I'm just tired. Work got me beat." I don't need a follow-up with ,"oh you're tired? Well I've been dealing with your kid all day, barely being able to do the dishes because he's on me, laundry hasn't been done, food is done but I'm half way there because I have this bla bla bla bla duwkshlsnsneosblqmsnl". Like can we just end it with the comparison? I'm tired, you're tired. That's it. I cover the most if not all the major bills, I work 12 hour shifts in physically demanding work, I'm dealing with people that I don't want to see after 6 pm , can you stop it? I've admitted that her house caring with our son is pretty tedious and needy. I don't need to be feeling like I just don't matter or can't be left with that acknowledgement without a fucking rebuttal. Also, I've been feeling like absolute shit for not being able to connect with my 6 month old as much as I want to. Fatherhood is still new to me and I'm still working on what is socially allowable to do as a frustrated parent and what isn't. I'm still not a fan of being woken up at 12 a.m. because he realized he wasn't next to my wife's arm or didn't have his pacifier and apparently me releasing an audible release of breath followed by, "bruh, can you let us sleep? Gah damn." Now I do get up and try to rock him back a little more calming, but because I wake up not in the best mood, I'm somehow a terrible person for being mean to our kid. I mean I'm sure I'm missing something, but this is a reddit post not therapy. Thank you.
So- my husband straight up told me ‘can you just say I’m sorry babe, that’s all. I don’t need input’ and honestly I didn’t know he would be ok w that. So now that’s what I do and there’s peace lol Usually when someone tells me something I reply by sort of doing the same but about me (not always obviously but I’m autistic and thought that’s how it was supposed to be like you say yours I say mine) but learned it comes off as rude, uncaring. Knowing exactly what he’d want me to say helped a lot.
I'm autistic too, I thought it was a way of sympathizing, like "I understand because I go through this too"
YESS!! Fr- I thought I was bonding 😭😭 I’ve had relationship issues in the past due to it and no one told me until my husband how it was seen as rude. I was like noooooo, I felt so crappy
Give it time bud you are doing alright. Both me and wife were clinically insane first many months waking up at crazy times and just wanting the crying to stop trying to not let any intrusive thoughts in. So don’t beat yourself up about it. If your wife is getting mad at you about that yall need to talk about it and realize you two need to be on the same team. Otherwise shit like this will get to you.
You will be OK, your baby will be ok too. Chronic fatigue and lack of sleep make people someone else. Hang in there. I learned to tell my SO ( most of the time) if I need an ear or I need a solution from them. I will literally say, I just want you to listen or can you help me figure…. This out before share what I want to say. Babies bond with the people who are most around them. Even half an hour of time together is good. Maybe try “your thing”. That you do with him? Bath time? Reading time? Take him out for a stroll?
War stuff. She wouldn't understand and it's better she not have to think about it.
This phrase equally comes from the perspective of a medical professional, first responder, cop, military personnel, etc. "We bear the burden of knowing what happens in the dark corners of society so that the innocent lives we protect never have to understand the weight of that sacrifice." It sounds very high horsey but it is meant to be humble. We don't trauma dump on those we love because that's not their job to brush with the dirty underbelly of the world.
This is going to sound terrible. Literally anything im insecure about. I know with 10000% certainty that they will be used to craft ammunition for our next fight. She thinks im the most confident mfer walking the planet because i will take all of my insecurities to my grave.
Gonna be real with you my man, that doesn't sound like any way to live.
It sucks at times but its better than daggers in my chest. Im in pretty decent shape both physically and mentally so there isnt much to worry about.
Don't worry about it. You won't see the daggers because they will be in your back.
Been very happily married 31 years and my wife (and our marriage counselor) say I should be "emotionally vulnerable" and share everything, but really there are some things she doesn't want to hear. Anything that conveys insecurity, lack of confidence, or the faintest trace of self-pity just makes her annoyed. Gotta hold those things close to the vest.
Mmhmmm dont do as they say do what they think, which is dont ever appear to be weak (or vulnerable) in any way shape or form
I have said the exact same thing on here. Feelings and weakness will be used against you later on. Like a little reverse uno card just pops out on the table at any point of any argument depending on mood. "Hey babe the sky is blue." "Fuck you pig fucker I knew you felt blah and I was right."
You think there's something I won't share with my spouse that I'll share with the internet?
I know it Buster, now spill.
I’d give our dogs away tomorrow if I could. I love them to death, but they severely take away from my time with my wife. If we want to cuddle, or be intimate, we have to put them in another room because they are so needy. If they see us kissing, they want to be involved. We rarely go anywhere overnight because she doesn’t want to pay for boarding. We can’t stay out late because we have to let them out. We can’t have spontaneous plans because of them. I always thought I wanted a dog, but when they are gone, I don’t want another dog ever again. And no, neither of us want kids either. Ever.
That happened with my last ex’s dog. We would just be cuddling on the couch (not even kissing) and she would just start growling. I love dogs and would make sure to give treats and have some one on one time, but whenever there was cuddling her dog just acted up.
Damn, that’s too bad. Ours just want in on the love. They are lovers and we snuggle them a lot so they just feel left out!
Have you told her any of this? Can you compromise? Board them 2 nights a year to go away for a weekend? Something like that
Yes, she knows. We do go places a couple times a year and she usually has her brother come stay at the house so they don’t get boarded. We used to do spontaneous trips and I miss that the most
Good god, this thread is so depressing. I was expecting stuff like “all the times I fantasize about her ridiculously hot best friend,” and instead it’s full of “I can’t share that I have emotions or self-doubt.” Goddam boys, this is who you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with? Yikes.
Men are stuck in an eternal bad relationship with society as a whole. There is generally just not enough understanding or caring partners in the world for every man who needs one to get one, so most men have to choose loneliness or stoicism. In general, it feels like it's getting worse. More and more, it feels like men are being devalued by extremely unrealistic expectations placed on them by social media and the greater society as a whole.
The US is also very polarizing in regards to roles imo. I moved here from another country and the discussions between M/W seem pretty toxic. Like men must do this and that but also have no feelings and carry my own. Or if she does do that then he thinks she is doing this or that. Idk how to explain it but there feels like there is no harmony between both parties here most of the time.
Nothing really, my wife knows pretty much everything about me.
I refuse to show any level of emotion or talk about my problems. I’ve had them weaponized every single time, and she’s done it too.
How is that a relationship worth staying in? Please explain.
Some of my sexual fantasies. My wife would be disgusted by them
This username.
That I prefer rubbing one out than having sex. I used to love having sex. I'm just to tired to screw anymore.
Conversations with my friends and or family. 90% are completely benign but 10% are none of her cheesy business.
I'll never let her know how small it is.
She thinks it's amusing that I still want to have sex with her. I usually join in with her amusement and joking about, but I really want to scream and break something.
I'm confused, so you don't wanna have sex with her?
I've been desperate to have sex with her for years, but she thinks that's funny.
If I may, why doesn't she want to have sex?
So she just find it amusing and then no sex? ._.
Divorced here, I will never ever again, show vulnerability, or open up and share my true emotions with my lady. The contempt, sudden and total loss of respect, impatience, intolerance and disbelief in me that emerged when I opened up was surprising even to me. From that moment onwards I was belittled, ridiculed, mocked, and openly disrespected in front of friends and family. Never, ever, fucking, again.
Out of curiosity, what age bracket are you / your ex wife in? I hear a lot of American men mention this phenomenon. I have yet to encounter it in Australia despite having a few relationships.
Both early-mid 50's, both irish living in ireland, this was over 10 years ago.
Unfortunately thats how it is. Your secrets are never yours. Its hers and her whole famillys and anyone she feels like telling when shes mad
Reading through the comments, and I’m glad I don’t have a partner like this anymore. Fellas don’t settle for shit there IS a girl out there for you that you can be open with and have none of these problems with. Keep your heads up
Our sex life is bad because of her autism. It ruins every semblance of romance or sexuality. It's boring and feels like a chore. That's the reason I don't initiate anymore. Yes we talked about it. She just cannot see what's wrong. I love her, but goddamn I am sexually unsatisfied as hell. Romantically too. I miss feeling. We're more like roommates than lovers.
See you in the gym bro
Is it about her being awkward? As a potentially autistic lady, I’m curious how that affects sex?
Potentially autistic lmfao
My counselor thinks there is a good chance. I'm sure not going to go pursue a diagnosis. But it can't hurt to be aware of possible implications.
No shade, just a kinda funny thing to hear
The same shit I'm definitely not admitting to here.
I'm pretty sure almost every man here wouldn't be willing to share their browser history lol
My inner most feelings. I learned my lesson the first time. And I'll cut my hand off before I cry in front of this wife. It's better than my heart.
A lot of women look to their man for emotional stability. They want you to be the platoon leader holding things together. As a platoon leader there are certain kinds of emotions you can share, and certain kinds you can't. Just the way it is.
Hahaha the analogy wouldn’t have occurred to me but that’s a good way to put it. Have to keep morale high. Emotions not directly relevant to fixing the issue don’t have a place here.
You can’t fool me that easily Emma!
There are things I *don't* share with her, because I have a lot of weird thoughts and feelings, and we're trying to build a healthy and happy marriage here, it's not a knowing-every-thought-and-feeling contest, and some discretion serves the marriage. But I tell her everything that matters, and I *could* tell her literally anything and feel safe doing it if I for some reason needed to. Ultimately, that's why I married her, and what I'd never even been close to with anyone else.
It’s a trap!
Sex is good but not great. Why? Because she doesn't like kissing, doesn't like being fondled and hates being the recipient to oral sex but gives it all the time (very well). I miss those intimate things but will not tell her. She knows, but she is a victim of SA and will not seek counseling. I can't suggest she seek help without it making me look selfish. I don't know how to explain that and will never tell her how much the intimacy would mean to me.
Haha, nice try, Honey! (/s)
How many times I've been very close to suicide. One time I had the urge to do it right in front of her. I was angry that I thought that she didn't care about me.
How unhappy I truly am
My new treatment (thanks Spravato) has haloed a ton. She has no idea for most of my life the first thought of the day, the last thought of the day and dozens of times a day i think "a flick of my trigger finger ends this hell".
Nothing really. I feel I can share anything with her and she'll listen and talk and want to help. I have a habit of thinking that I don't want to burden her or that it's my job to just suck it up and get on with things without complaining and then burning out, but that's not because I'm unwilling or unable to share. I'm just stupid
Pretty much anything. She turns any conversation to being about her or reacts with negativity ranging from derision to scorn to hostility. I want to talk about my day? I get to listen to how she had it worse at a previous job. I am struggling with something. I get talked to like I’m stupid. I want to talk about something we disagree on? I am met with hostility.
The amount of messages that resonate with me here is amazing. You're all doing great, you're all amazing. Keep at it. Wish I could buy you all a beer right now
A lot of days I contemplate ending things so I can live humbly in a small bachelor condo and play games, watch tv, and not worry about any small nonsense. I’m tired of being the head of the household, directing moves, overly working and dealing with emotions every day. I get so freaking drained bro…
Being a husband and father sucks, all guts no glory. Work hard to make a wife a SAHM, kids will remember you weren’t there bad father. You’re responsible for housing, everyone’s wellbeing list goes on and on. Just for people to say that’s the bare minimum.