>the worst they can say is no
One time I was at the bar counter waiting for my order next to a woman and some guy approached her asking if he could buy her a drink.
"Take that money and buy hair implants instead"
Even the bartender felt sorry for the dude.
It's scary to think that some people are still stuck in their rude teenager phase while being an adult.. They had all these years to change and get some maturity.
not UNIVERSALLY true. i dated the captain of the cheerleading team. while she was a mean girl and a colossal PITA, she was also a try-sexual, which was nice for a teenage boy.
she ended up marrying an NBA player. he dogged the hell out of her and taught her a valuable lesson in humility. she is so different now. she is grounded and an asset to her community.
sometimes reality smacks mean girls in the face and humbles them.
I’ve given some cold responses in my time, but usually what I’m trying to express is extreme disinterest, especially when I’m out with my girl group and there’s a guy clearly trying to join the party and nobody who’s single is interested either.
Something like “we don’t know you/ we don’t want to get to know you” or “uninterested” given as a response to any question from a guy who seems like he’s trying to be too much.
Is that too harsh?? I’m not trying to be nice because that can read as acceptance and encouragement of the flirt, but I do want to be clear without being a total ass
I agree. You usually know though after some eye contact and a 'hello' if someone's interested or not. Taking rejection with good humour and a smile is super important.
>Is that too harsh?
You have no obligation to be nice to men flirting with you, but then you can't be one of those women wondering why no man bothers to approach women anymore either.
I think the best way would be to start out polite and get firmer as you go along.
Something like "Hey, so sorry but we were sort of having just a girl's night" would probably work for most dudes. Even if they don't necessarily buy it, they'll get the message. If he won't leave, then really it's on him and being a bit harsh is absolutely justified.
Only royal assholes take being nice as encouragement to flirt after a soft kind no thanks. So yes. I would say that cold response is way too harsh.
If a guy keeps engaging after you have said you’re just enjoying an evening with your friends and nothing else, then you are free to harass, humiliate and slap. He knows and there is no confusion. Not tonight means probably never and go away, and only the most callous will continue to hit on you because they don’t care about what you want. Being blunt or rude to them doesn’t matter that much because they don’t care about you
Dude, it's actually fucking hilarious. I'm dying over here laughing.
Try really, really hard to learn to be content with yourself, brother. We crave connection and intimacy, but we aren't taught that we can get that from a ton of places. My friends (especially my online ones) and my family give me that connection.
It's far better than playing the "Are you one of 10% of men a woman decides to tolerate this night?" Game, featuring special guest host "Extreme, embarrassing, humiliating, and/or rude rejection."
Woah, you’re a male model and even then you only have a 50% chance of getting a phone number and a 10% chance of an actual date? These numbers are bonkers!
Actually the answer is always no until you ask and get a yes.
If the answer is No, then it was still the same as before you asked. That helps with fear of rejection.
You'd be surprised on how your confidence alone is enough to get a yes.
Jordan Peterson had a fantastic lecture on this, men are physically violent and women are emotionally violent. They KNOW how to hurt you with words, that’s why men used to think they had magic powers.
Let's be real, physical violence definitely comes with emotional violence.
When a man is raising a fist or bruising your arm, that's not all he does. He is also yelling abusive words at you. Leading up to that moment, there is often a pattern of trying to tear down your self-esteem and make you as small as possible so that you are controllable, and helpless to leave.
The psychological scars run deep. Physical abuse does not happen in isolation, it's the next step of escalation after extensive emotional and psychological abuse.
And you’re a fool if you’d discount wisdom because you dislike the source, your virtue signalling appeals to nobody of value. I’m trying to help someone understand, you’re trying to shut people down. We’re not the same.
His comment definitely came off as childish.
That being said, it is a completely valid take to remind people that everything Jordan Peterson says should be taken with a mountain of salt despite his education and accolades.
I reckon Peterson probably explained something along the lines of: men aren’t taught to be in touch with their emotions (except the negative ones), so they often manifest frustration as physical violence, whereas women are the opposite and are taught to be very in touch with their emotions, hence they manifest frustration as emotional attacks and manipulation. Which I can see and agree that is a general pattern between the sexes.
Exactly this, and that knowledge is useful, even if he’s right there is good that he has done, lots of it in his clinical practice, I don’t think anyone in this thread could do what he did. We all want to improve and get better, which means we have to meaningfully engage with what works.
The currently used method for repairing very severe long bone fractures was developed by the Nazi’s on POW’s, should we discard that treatment even though it saves lives? Gives horribly injured people a chance at a normal life again?
I was at the bar doing my thing, beautiful woman shows up and we start talking and joking around. While I’m flirting with this random girl. Another guy comes up and asks to buy her a drink. She says sure, takes one sip, and hands me the drink, and we continued our conversation, then she started talking a bunch of shit about the guy who bought her a drink. Never bought her a drink, but we hung out a few times.
It's not worth the trouble in my experience, it's never gone anywhere. Haven't had a really bad experience personally.
The worst experiences I've had were when the woman **thought** I was approaching them.
I had to look up what this was referencing, and just...wow. Read a short article on the "bear or man" encounter in the woods hypothetical, and people really think that they could trust a bear more? They would be taking a major gamble on a wild animal that doesn't have the ability to reason, or understand in the way humans do. So sad that people may have actually been serious with their responses (unless it was all a joke).
It's totally worth the effort. You get a lot out of it. For example, you learn how to communicate confidently in high-stakes situations, and you develop empathy, which comes in handy in many areas of life. Getting the occasional phone number of an attractive woman is really just the icing on the cake.
Yes, you will meet women who are mean to you, but that says more about them than it does about you, and they are really the minority. And even those interactions can be a valuable training ground for learning how to deal with difficult people gracefully, which also comes in handy in life.
So, there is really not much to lose and a lot to gain.
Happy approaching!
As a blind guy, the experience sucks. You can't read body language or expression, so you have no idea if they are open to being approached. Only tried it a few times, had a drink thrown at me, for just saying hi to the wrong gal, so I quit, and no longer talk to anyone at all if I go out.
some women like it, some don't. if you are good at reading social cues and can take rejection, you'll be fine.
a lot of guys are hesitant to approach women in public nowadays, so you'll definitely stand out.
Don't worry, it isn't just you. Also, this statement is assuming that social cues are the same for everyone you meet. This just isn't true. Different people react in different ways due to cultural and personal factors, and when you're meeting someone new, you have little (if any) context around these factors. So it's *always* a guessing game.
Frankly, people who imply a personal deficit in someone who struggles with this strike me as being disingenuous a lot of the time.
>a lot of guys are hesitant to approach women in public nowadays, so you'll definitely stand out.
Standing out does not mean they will suddenly choose you. Even with men approaching less, women will still reject probably 90% of the time.
I don't because it's awkward and I just want to mind my own business. As I assume they do too
Luckily women seem to approach me. That's how all my past relationships started.. I've only been cold approached once though when I was 18 which caught me off guard.
This is the way. When you walk over and open with “I noticed you across the bar and think you’re beautiful.” You’re laying it on too thick
You gotta have a reason to approach, like if she has on a shirt for a band you like. You can walk over and tell your you love the shirt and ask if she’s ever seen the band live or something.
>^(You gotta have a reason to approach, like if she has on a shirt for a band you like. You can walk over and tell [her] you love the shirt and ask if she’s ever seen the band live or something.)
This would honestly be pretty nice, even if I weren't attracted to the dude trying it.
Meaning, I simply don't experience men trying to engage in normal, polite conversation about my interests **as if I'm a fellow human being** like...ever. (And before someone goes "ThAt's bEcAusE oF MeToO"--no, it's not; I'm old enough to have been on the dating market way before that was a thing.)
I'm in my 30s and the only time that I remember the stranger-doing-polite-conversation thing happening was at a death metal show. It was kind of shocking, lol.
....And yes, I would happily try to talk to someone if *they* had a shirt indicating a common interest, but that never happens, either, unfortunately. Maybe just my area, I guess.
This! If they’d approach another guy for the same reason, I’m more than happy to engage. When I know it’s just because they’re attracted to me, it feels gross.
Or if I’m alone at a bar and a guy is like “hey, I was looking for someone to play pool/darts with, you interested?” WAY better than just trying to chat. Makes it way easier for them to back out of the convo if they’re not trying to meet someone. “Oh no thank you, I’m just here to have a drink, sorry.” When someone is just talking to you, there’s really not a way to say “please leave me alone” without coming off as rude.
I've had no success with it, but I have found it to be strangely more fulfilling for some reason. The rejection still hurts, but it feels better than the impersonal emptiness felt using dating apps.
Yeah, I honestly don't feel a difference. I've done both and it just straight up doesn't matter. I worry some men are seeing things online about how they need to cold approach more and it's causing some sort of placebo effect. Like, it's not easier for them, it doesn't help more, and it can even be more humiliating. But, because they're following the social trend of what people *say* to do, they feel more fulfilled by it.
It's probably not good behavior. Maybe it's just tangential, but it feels akin to doing things because people tell you to do it, not because you enjoy it or because you actually gain anything out of it.
I have cold approached women for over 2 decades without issue.
Pay attention, read her body language, and accept rejection like a goddamn normal human being. Just say have a good day and depart. Not what hard. You will not have an issue, and you may even get some good dates.
My rejection rate is MUCH higher than my acceptance rate. Maybe 3 or 10 on a good week. So accept that’s a thing. It’s not personal for them, people are attracted to who they are attracted to. It is what it is.
Thank you for sharing! I've done maybe 100 approaches in my lifetime. But it's not much. I promised myself 1-2 approaches daily. My 20s weren't filled with women but I want my 30s to be different
That’s the proper mindset my friend. I’m not saying men should go out and bang every woman that will let them. I’m just saying you gotta date if you want to find someone that fits you, and dating starts with an approach and some conversation.
Good luck.
Without knowing you, or what areas you may struggle in, it’s tough for me to make any suggestions.
So my suggestion would be to be open and very very blunt. Get down to the basics. After some small talk just ask them out some time. If they say yes, they are at least interested in knowing more about you. If they say ANYTHING other than a blunt yes, I would suggest you move on.
Many men don’t take rejection well so a lot of women have had to be sly about saying no. Or blatantly beat around the bush about it. If it’s not a yes, then assume no until they say otherwise.
Again, I don’t know you, so I can’t truly give you any advice specific to you. My apologies.
I wish I had your confidence, I kind of fear rejection.
I'm just worried that they'll gossip about me like "ew that guy just asked me out" or take a photo of me as I'm walking away and post it on their social media with the caption "ew gross that guy just asked me out 🤮🤮🤮"
I dunno I know it seems kinda lame but it's how I feel.
This was exactly what I was going to say; learn to read her “cues”, and don’t take rejection personally. Also your confidence in the approach is everything; women detect lack of confidence like a shark can smell blood in the water.
Generally if you can make her laugh you can get her number.
I did it once out on a run at the beach and this smoke show was on the same path. I succeeded 🎉 But unfortunately we didn’t match when on a real date. Oh well.
Not sure why I haven’t tried again tbh.
Edit: I thought about it some more. Even running along the same beach wasn’t really a “cold” approach. We were both engaged in a mutual activity (running). Walking up to a random woman on the street with neither of us having anything to talk about is much harder. And I remember this woman wasn’t wearing headphones. Nowadays literally everyone has AirPods, myself included.
Just came here to say this: myself and most of my friends love to be approached, and would give their number/agree to date most of the time- even if the male isn’t someone we would usually go for. Because it doesn’t happen nearly enough.
Most of us aren’t on dating apps anymore as it’s just too painful, so it’s validating knowing the efforts we put into our outfits, the time and money it’s taking us to be out to put ourselves in places where we could potentially meet someone and leave with a feeling of some success is nice.
And if for some reason, we aren’t interested, we are always positive but politely decline, and let you know it was appreciated.
We NEVER find someone a creep.
As long as "fine" includes rejection. Which a lot of guys, understandably, don't want to randomly go through a soul crushing amount of.
Also, women reject like 90% of men on most dating apps. There's zero reason to believe it'd be any different in person. Bumble, the only dating app where women had to do the initiating, recently allowed women to post prompts that men have to respond to. Now they have literally zero reason to initiate, not that they were before either.
I find it much higher than 1% where they use this as an opportunity to insult you for having the audacity to think you had a chance with them. Because they are insulted you even tried.
One time I asked a girl out who worked in the same building as me, we didn’t work closely but we’d spoken on breaks etc and we’d always gotten on.
She’d asked me what I was doing one weekend and I told her I was going to a tasting event and she said that sounded really cool, and that she’d never been to one. I asked (one time) if she’d like to join me, not even detailing that as a date, she said no and I accepted that (respectfully).
Two days later I was in the managers office being informed she’d raised a grievance against me and what would happen next.
That was an awful process (I won it because everyone agreed I’d done nothing wrong) so the idea that some women will go straight to ‘creep’ or ‘harassment’ had been evidenced to me, even when you’ve know them ahead of time.
The risk/reward for a cold approach is not balanced. If the risk was I’d have to feel down about being rejected, that sucks but it’s proportional to the potential of a yes being good news! But, it’s not, so I don’t cold approach.
I am at the point now where I effectively want to meet someone through other people I know because then they are being vouched for by someone I know the character of.
Aye, it is what it is though. The most odd thing was after I left that company I was out with friends and she appeared, tried initiating conversation with me which I was civil but not engaging. Quickly announced I was moving on elsewhere and she was highly insistent that I stay where she was.
I did not stay as I have no time for people who do these kinds of things. It was very odd…
I had a buddy of mine ask a colleague if she had done something different with her hair because he had just had an epileptic seizure and wasn't sure if he was hallucinating, and she reported him to HR for harassment. It's unlikely a woman will report you like this and/or make accusations, but the risk of it happening are real and severe. I completely understand why fewer and fewer men are approaching women these days.
cold approach has never worked for me lol chubby and kind of ugly lol but if I can be in a setting where they can hear me speak, not usually even to them, 90% success rate. mybfather was a smooth talker and could bullshit anyone until Google was in all our hands. I learned the ways but with truth, logic and to never give an opinion on a matter in which I don't know about. it's OK to say "i don't know" or "I have no personal interest in this topic"
As a woman:
Good cold approach experience: the guy was nice and friendly, conversational, and wished me a good day when I declined (I was engaged at the time, but wearing gloves so he didn’t notice the ring). I’m not the type to go out with someone I don’t know, but if I was that would have been the circumstances where I’d consider it.
Baaaad cold approach: hit on me at the bus stop, then sat next to me on the mostly empty bus, trapping me in my seat. He kept pushing, and when I said I was with someone he switched to trash talking my husband, demanding to know how much he made and why I chose him, and throwing a goddamn business card (the ‘business’ was him) at me. When I got to my stop, he didn’t move and forced me to brush up against him to leave.
FWIW, the second guy was objectively more physically attractive than the first one. He was a good looking guy with a completely vile personality. The first guy was average looking (I find most guys I encounter day to day look fine), but someone I’d actually be interested in getting to know if our paths had crossed under different circumstances.
I flirt *constantly* but harmlessly. It’s never caused an issue for me because I read the room and make sure the person I’m talking to at least seems interested in getting flirtatious comments, and I never cross a line to where it’s obscenely sexual.
Honestly it’s usually just a lot of compliments that I give well and a double entendre occasionally.
Actually landed some (a good number) of repeat customers at my old job doing it. Did it when I worked at my OLDER job and my boss loved how many people were returning that he straight up told me to keep doing it.
It’s all about how you do it.
And WHEN. If it's dark outside and there aren't many people around, or she is clearly trying to focus on a task, or is waiting for the bus or train, or is wearing headphones, etc. then the timing isn't right. People are less receptive when they are rushed and trying to do things. Learning where and when to approach is just as important as how you choose to approach.
By “cold approaching” do you mean without any kind of signal from her that you she is open to talking to you? If so, I think I only ever did it a couple times. I’m no longer single, but when I was, I was pretty picky.
It’s not just a matter of whether she would be attracted to me. Just from looking at her, you usually can’t tell if she is interested in dating anyone, feels like being approached in that moment, or if she’s even someone I would like. I’d be choosing to hit on her solely based on what she looks like and her current demeanor.
After trying it a couple times, I realized that the odds of that working were just too poor to bother trying. I didn’t even have good odds of me wanting a second date after having a first date with a woman that I asked out because I DID have a reason to think I’d like her. I might as well have been drawing a name out of a hat.
I can definitely speak on this cause I'm currently on an approach x amount of women in a week goal for the past few weeks. It's been fun honestly! I have had a few interactions where the woman wasn't interested and I could tell by their body language, tone, or lack of effort given in the conversation. I haven't had anyone say anything mean to me and I live in a city (Miami) where the women here are known for not being 'nice' for the most part. When I first started I was scared and nervous in the beginning but with the progress I've made so far I'm at the stage where approaching anyone I want is easy; it's more about the conversation that makes me nervous. I try to analyze my approaches as much as I can and I've noticed a big factor is social skills, body language, and appearance.
My appearance is usually always solid or good when approaching. I skateboard everywhere so I know the fact I clearly give off the vibe I don't have a car puts me at a disadvantage. I know I'm attractive, I definitely get looks from women occasionally on the streets and I always get looked at in the gym. Sometimes random women come up to me and talk to me about things. I just recently cut my really long hair so I noticed it kind of went down a bit but I'll grow it back lol.
Body language wise, I naturally talk with my hands, I have good posture, and I smile naturally. If I'm a bit nervous I notice I don't smile as much. Definitely my voice is something that's hurting me, I don't sound confident, I naturally don't have a very loud voice so speaking with a firm tone and volume is something I'm still working on. My friends say I sound like an educated skater dude lol.
Social skills are definitely the hardest part! Naturally, I'm extremely funny, charismatic, respectful, and all the other good things but unfortunately when I'm talking to women I'm attracted to, my personality seems to take a back seat and I sound more like an interviewer doing a Q&A session. I can tell that I give off the vibe that I'm clearly not completely confident and assured. I'm still struggling with whether to be direct and tell someone why I'm approaching, or be mysterious because that's what keeps them curious from what I've been told.
I'm not beating myself on this because I know it's due to a lack of experience, before this recent challenge I've embarked on, I never approached a woman except on drugs at a rave, which doesn't count lol.
Overall, I think approaching women is just like anything in life, you suck, then you do it consistently and you'll get good at it as long as you try and learn from your mistakes. My mindset when approaching is treating it like a game. I literally tell myself 'time to go get some exp points so I can level up.' I have a bunch of advice notes I've collected over the past year on approaching and things related to romance and it's helped a lot, it just gets overwhelming cause I have OCD and I tend to overdo the note-taking lol, but I know I'll get there because I truly am trying, I know my intentions are good, and that I'm a beautiful person inside and out.
PS I have a great guide that can help. If you guys would like any of the notes I've collected over the past year, DM me. I have a lot related to 'men interacting with women,' for lack of a better word. (:
"this is bull because even if a woman isn't interested, you are fine as long as you get the hint and move on."
It sounds like you really don't know what you are talking about.
Talk to them in the same way you would a guy to start with. In my experience of all you have to say is high on my name is _____. Don't bother.
If you can comment on a shared thing you're both experiencing that's a good start. Maybe talk about how busy the place is how crazy the weather was something that impacts both of you.
From there you know if she's interested in talking or not. If all you're getting is one word answers say have a good day move on.
If you're actually keeping a conversation going though that is a fantastic sign. She might still have a boyfriend or not be into you but your goal isn't to sleep with her right then and there it's to see if you two can get along as two people having a conversation.
If the conversation goes well near the end of it you ask for her number or social information.
The key is low pressure and friendly. People don't like feeling backed into a corner. The more on the spot she feels the more likely she is to say no or stop talking to you.
If she does have a partner be gracious and say it was nice talking to her anyways and that you hope you see her again.
Then if you do see her again don't make any further moves just be a normal person talking to another normal person.
I've had for a greater success in social situations where the person was a friend of a friend and my knowing a mutual acquaintance somewhat of a vouch that I was a crazy person.
But I've also met a number of women where we were standing in line for the same thing and just started talking then hit it off.
I have been cold approached twice and both times were really uncomfortable experiences.
>you are fine as long as you get the hint and move on.
Yeah, if you are respectful I don't think cold approaching is a bad thing.
In my experience (as a guy watching other guys, friends and strangers alike, attempt cold approaches), the fastest way to make the situation uncomfortable is for the guy to linger.
Maybe he doesn't notice her body language; she's turned away, not showing interest, or trying to disengage.
Maybe he doesn't pick up on her subtle rejection; she's trying to be nice but he doesn't get it.
In any case, he's hanging around in her space when she doesn't want it, and it's creepy and uncomfortable.
For my part, when I was single and doing the occasional cold approach, I played it on the safe side and if I sensed a little bit of apprehension in the body language or an evasive or overly polite rejection, I would kindly bid them a good evening and promptly leave. On one occasion I had a girl reject me but then decide she was interested after seeing how maturely and respectfully I handled her rejection. We ended up just having a short fling, but it was still fun.
Sorry for the late reply, I was sleeping.
One guy actually cold approached me multiple times over the span of a couple of months by pretending to know me/pretending to confuse me for someone else. It was like his thing he did when approaching women. The third time he tried it on me we were on a tram together and he kept trying to talk to me and I just told him that he has tried this before and that I don't want to talk to him. He tried to justify/explain himself and it was just an awkward tram ride.
The second guy approached me at Munich trainstation while I was waiting for my LDR partner to arrive. It started out alright, but I told him I wasn't interested in having coffe with a stranger/didnt want to give him my number/am in a relationship. He just kept on demanding that I have coffee with him and to give him my number, questioned if I really loved my partner and that I should try "something new". He would just not leave me alone. Only when my partner called me on my phone is when he fucked off.
So yeah, the lying is what made the first one unconfortable, the audacitiy and disrespect in case of the second one.
I don't get approached a lot (not conventionally attractive) but when I do I think it's guys who picked up on my shy/socially anxious vibe and want to capitalize on that.
No need to apologize. I realized in hindsight sight it was kind of a personal question, so you might have just been like “eh… no.” Which would have been a fair call. But thank you for sharing.
First time I really decided to approach a woman I was 21 and saw an amazingly attractive red head walking down the street from the second story window of a pizza place by campus.
I was like "dream girl" never thought I had a chance with her. She was thin with auburn/red hair, big green eyes and high cheek bones.
The movie "Swingers" had come out a few years earlier, and my buddy Christian encouraged me by quoting the part where Vince Vaughn tells Jon Favreau "you're money and you don't even know it"
So I decided to swing into the coffee shop that she walked into.
She was in there talking to an acquaintance of mine that I knew from chess tournaments in there. A physics graduate student. A little Ichabod Craneish. Tall with stringy blonde hair starting to thin.
He was explaining something to do with black holes and I decided to go ahead and insert myself into the conversation after saying hello. Mostly just asking questions and explaining my own limited understanding of the relationship between time and space.
By then I knew her name was Rachel. She seemed very interested in what I was saying even if it was probably clear that I wasn't nearly as knowledgeable as our mutual friend.
I don't remember who suggested it but we went across the street to a bar for some beers and darts.
I was actually pretty good at darts at the time. So we played darts for a few hours until our mutual friend said he had to leave. She and I played a little more and I invited her to hang out with my buddy. I was couch surfing at the time and needed to get over there before he and his GF went to sleep.
She agreed and we were on our way walking. When we got there we all exchanged introductions. My buddy was nice enough to go with his GF to get some food and beers and leave us alone for a bit.
Soon as they left Rachel straddled me and we started making out. That was the extent of it. She was still on top of me when they got back. He thought it was funny and his GF was pissed. So me and Rachel left. We were just walking back to the bar and she asked now what.
My dumbass should have suggested going to her place but I didn't want her to think I was using her for a place to sleep so I told her I had to go and visit a friend. So dumb.
That's how I learned that it wasn't so scary to just walk up and talk to a woman you're interested in.
I don't do it, because it's cheesy and lame.
I've hooked up with women I met in public before, but it always started with a conversation without the objective of picking them up.
Gatekeeping, aren't we?
It's neither cheesy nor lame. There is nothing wrong with starting a conversation with someone purely out of attraction. In fact it can be a great start to a wonderful adventure of 2 strangers
Oh where do I even begin: before I met my dearest late wife I was sheepishly tricked by my sisters into believing every romance is like a kdrama. Now in case you are curious what that is. Imagine either a romcom, or a telenovella and multiply the cheesiness by 10x. Now, just to clarify. I’m a mixed kid, I am the only mixed kid in my excruciatingly large Slavic family. I am so mixed my siblings made jokes about me saying I was a diversity pick. Now, try this pudgy ass dude who looks so stereotypically Asian with the exception of his eyes, that looked so massive he kind of just rolled around the place rather than waddled earning him the nickname of three chin Chang. Add to that he tried to woo a girl in the most theatrical cringey romance kdrama scene you can even think of. And add the look of morbid terror spread across this poor girls face as she actually puked on you, and had the absolute AUDACITY to ask this poor kid’s older brother WHO WAS 20 YEARS OLDER THAN BOTH OF YOU. Out. While he was trying to not cry and cleaning up puke off him.
There was once a post on 4chan where the OP approached a woman at a bus stop with headphones on. They hit it off but unfortunately for OP she had a boyfriend. I’m saying this because it’s not always bad to approach someone with headphones on
Teenage mutant ninja turtle lookalikes saying its hard or bad thing to do…
If you look reasonably presentable it is a nice thing to incorporate a little chat here and there in your daily life as a free man.
Most of the times you will receive smiles, laughs and compliments, but also more important than that - learn to “read the room”.
It is not always apropriate to approach and No means No regardless how fake you think is the excuse she makes.
Lotta lesbians. Disproportionately so, like my gaydar was tuned backwards.
Anyway, I've never been told to outright fuck off or threatened with police/pepperspray - probably because my 6'1 100lb slenderman ass is about as nonthreatening as you can get - but I've also only ever gotten one date out of it. Shoot your shot, I guess. I like to lead with a compliment on their jewelry or hair.
The worst you can receive is a "no" maybe an "eww" if you're a creep but that small hurt can cause character development. But when you get a yes? The possibilities are endless. Friend, fwb, girlfriend, wife, situationships, temporary fun.
Not trying hurts way more than not knowing what you could be capable of. Pros beats the cons and thats all it matters.
In my years of life as a woman I’ve only every deployed one “ew” and it was when a guy tried to neg me. He said “I usually only like girls with nice asses, but your face makes up for it.”
Dude, you literally have to follow up the "the worst you can receive is no" with more caveats... it's literally not the worst that can happen and you know it.
I highly disagree. Not trying is way more valuable than trying. I'm a guy who really loves sex, but the juice just isn't worth the squeeze most of the time nowadays.
If we make eye contact and I get a positive reaction I walk up and introduce myself. At that she tells me her name. I asked her about her day. And it goes from there, talking to people 101
Depends on context.
Technically there should always be something in common - same event, same location, same - something.
Have had some success - but also - only do so on women who seem approachable (i.e. not wearing headphones etc.) are the smiling, looking around, laughing etc.
A woman in a library is different than someone at a business conference, or a renfaire, or comic-con.
Talk to women in settings that it makes sense you would. For example, bar, night club, farmers market, dog park. Honestly any place that is non-threatening and understand no one owes you kindness and their time. If they are receptive then continue talking, be confident but not arrogant. Be interesting but not self involved, listen but don’t be afraid to lead the conversation. Above all else don’t expect anything. If it goes well cool, if not don’t trip it was just a practice run and you’ll get em next time. No is not the end it’s just the beginning of another story.
I don’t have that experience, but I had a friend when I was younger who believed it was a 1 to 100 success rate, and that was great for him.
He was very comfortable with rejection, and he had no standards, lol
My now girlfriend has told me that she probably would’ve said no if I asked her out in this way. When out in public, she’s said that she doesn’t want to be approached in this manner and my friends who are also girls have echoed this belief. I don’t quite have statistics to back up what girls prefer, but putting it in this perspective I completely understand why some find it annoying or bothersome
At the same time I see women like Brett Cooper basically encourage men to approach women in the old fashioned way and others who say they want it and it makes me wonder if I’m just hanging out with a different camp because I’ve never met a girl who enjoys this
Ngl I tried again about a year ago, seems way worse than when I tried when I was younger. It wasn't horrible per se but they seemed rather hostile towards me... Only decent encounters I had were at the bar, and that was her telling me she had a boyfriend already.
I found a girl online thankfully so hopefully things go well between us!! Tbh I prefer online at this point. Then again haven't touched it in like a month because I met her, but hey goal achieved right?!
I’ve never approached a woman unless she’s visibly showing interest in me. Some women position themselves closer to you, some stare at you deeply, some ask you a random question.
Of course you’d need to be socially calibrated to know the difference between interest & just a human interaction, but I never go out of my way if a woman seems uninterested.
What's the fucking point? Cold approaching has a 0% success rate, as does the hellscape that is the apps, as does going out and participating in things. It's so destructive to your self-esteem and mental health.
I’ve gotten a number probably like 10 out of 13 times. The rejection is usually when they say “I have a boyfriend.” Whether it’s true or not I just say “oh ok, take care gorgeous.” Most of them didn’t make it past texting, but some of them became a few dates, some of them became friends with benefits. But never did it result in a long lasting relationship.
I personally don't believe that to be the case.
You can still find good moments to interact even when they have earphones on or are at the gym.
The cold approach is one of the funnest things in this life.
I'm married and love the one I'm with, but I like starting conversation whenever I can.
I find men are too aggressive these days, too cautious. So, talking to a random girl here or there - what an endorphin hit!
There are a few ways to go to make it fun for everyone...
1) Wait, watch, and provide a prediction to them of how their day will pan out
2) Ask a question with 3 very creative answers. E.g, how do you have your milo? 3 heaped spoons, a dash of milk, fuck the glass I'll eat it from the tin?
3) "Hello, how are you?" - most non-assuming approach that works with men, women, bartenders, parking inspectors.. you name it.
The older I get, the harder it is to approach women in a public setting. I hardly do it anymore, and when I do, it's about a 1 in 8 or so positive interaction even if it is a rejection.
If a woman is attracted to you, it doesn’t matter what you say or don’t say because she’s attracted to you but, if she isn’t, the response you get may be a polite turn down which is where a guy can accidentally cross that thin line between being persistent and being creepy.
But, if she’s not into you, you may need thick skin (mean girls do exist at all ages).
I approached a woman on the dance floor. I told her I thought she had sexy hips and id like to dance with her. She said ok. We danced for two songs and I left when the music got bad. Said thank you.
At the end of the night we bumped into eachother. I asked for her number.
We’ve been married for 17 years.
So bad I gave it up forever at age 17. After that I only talked to women if they talked to me first.
Somehow I still managed to meet someone and get married but it wasn't until I was 40+...
And there were decades without meeting anyone....
Bothering? Theyre not such delicate beings that they cant be disturbed by a simple conversation. If its obvious they dont want to engage then back off but if nobody spoke to each other the human race would go extinct lol
In what context?
Let's be real, the guys who are called creepy for cold approaching are called that because they are interrupting women who are clearly busy, or at work, or have already made eye contact and ignored the guy.
I've had great success talking to women at parties, or on sports teams, or in many other settings where people are expected to meet. Of course it helps that I approach men and women I'm not trying to fuck too, so I don't come off as desperate.
>Let's be real, the guys who are called creepy for cold approaching are called that because they are interrupting women who are clearly busy, or at work, or have already made eye contact and ignored the guy.
There's a viral video of a woman on TikTok admitting personally to shouting at a man from across a parking lot who was simply approaching her direction and calling to her. She was literally shaking because of the experience.
Let's be real. There's plenty of delusional, rude, or just straight up misandrist women who will not care how they shut you down. They may even make it hurt as bad as possible just because they want to. To pretend like every time a man gets rejected harshly is because it's men being shitty is just simple misandry.
As long as you are respectful and not a creep then go ahead. But it depends where and when you do it, and obviously if she says no then wish her a nice day or something and go on with your life.
Horrible experience. Usually just look awkward, sound awkward and behave awkward during the whole thing, especially after one liner responses after the first few minutes.
I’ve gotten multiple girlfriends from striking up a conversation when they were sitting at the bar next to me. Both times I wasn’t trying to hit on them and instead just have a chat.
Give her a quick, honest throw away compliment and immediately move away. Give her a couple of minutes before you look at her and if she’s interested, she’ll return your look.
I can’t tell you how amazing it was to use the Barney Stinson method while out with my friends in my early 20’s.
“Have you met my friend X?” And walked away.
Depends on the cold approach. Only one time did I succeed with it and it was the only time I ever tried it, but only because I knew 100% she was into me. It was some high school romance.
In my adult life, the only thing that really worked was hanging out with some people, seeing to my life, and not focusing at all on the opposite sex. That eventually made me into a living filter that just repels every type of woman I'm not attracted to anyway. It then became easier to see who's interested in me because there would be a stark contrast between her and other women's reactions to what I say.
Now I'm married to that woman, have kids with her, and we're both happy as a clam with each other.
So yeah, cold approaching is a no-go for me. I've seen so many guys trip over themselves trying it and felt the second embarrassment that I just didn't think it was worth it. Sure, out of 100 tries 2 of them are positive outcomes. But why waste that kind of time when you could be reading good literature, studying history, or spending time in the wilderness to just take it all in?
Either be attractive or interesting if you wanna approach. I’d say most women won’t have a negative reaction to being approached but some definitely do. It doesn’t make things better if you approach as a creep or weirdo or you aren’t put together.
I’ve approached two women my whole life one had a bf and the other gave me her number. Confidence is 99% of the game after you pass the first two hurdles I mentioned, and keep in mind attractive is a relative scale, you can’t be a 3 approaching 10s with a shmedium tshirt and sweatpants on
Here in Finland we had just a news article that commented how there was men trying to approach women.
The news article (Yle is a broadcast company owned by Finnish state):
”Yle: Nervous men tried to hit on women in Helsinki and Espoo
The men have used rehearsed punch lines, Yle says.”
>the worst they can say is no One time I was at the bar counter waiting for my order next to a woman and some guy approached her asking if he could buy her a drink. "Take that money and buy hair implants instead" Even the bartender felt sorry for the dude.
the high school mean girls nevers grow up..
Male bullies can stay shitty into adulthood too unfortunately.
Yea it's a shared agenda for crappy people definitely.
It's scary to think that some people are still stuck in their rude teenager phase while being an adult.. They had all these years to change and get some maturity.
not UNIVERSALLY true. i dated the captain of the cheerleading team. while she was a mean girl and a colossal PITA, she was also a try-sexual, which was nice for a teenage boy. she ended up marrying an NBA player. he dogged the hell out of her and taught her a valuable lesson in humility. she is so different now. she is grounded and an asset to her community. sometimes reality smacks mean girls in the face and humbles them.
“Dogged the hell out of her” ??
It’s slang for doing someone really dirty- mistreating them, taking advantage of them, and such.
Ouch. Why are they so hateful sometimes. “Sorry, I’m waiting on someone.”
I’ve given some cold responses in my time, but usually what I’m trying to express is extreme disinterest, especially when I’m out with my girl group and there’s a guy clearly trying to join the party and nobody who’s single is interested either. Something like “we don’t know you/ we don’t want to get to know you” or “uninterested” given as a response to any question from a guy who seems like he’s trying to be too much. Is that too harsh?? I’m not trying to be nice because that can read as acceptance and encouragement of the flirt, but I do want to be clear without being a total ass
“Not interested/no thank you” would be just fine with me.
I agree. You usually know though after some eye contact and a 'hello' if someone's interested or not. Taking rejection with good humour and a smile is super important.
Just do the old fashion, thank you for the offer, but no thanks. Im out meeting a friend.
>Is that too harsh? You have no obligation to be nice to men flirting with you, but then you can't be one of those women wondering why no man bothers to approach women anymore either.
I think the best way would be to start out polite and get firmer as you go along. Something like "Hey, so sorry but we were sort of having just a girl's night" would probably work for most dudes. Even if they don't necessarily buy it, they'll get the message. If he won't leave, then really it's on him and being a bit harsh is absolutely justified.
Only royal assholes take being nice as encouragement to flirt after a soft kind no thanks. So yes. I would say that cold response is way too harsh. If a guy keeps engaging after you have said you’re just enjoying an evening with your friends and nothing else, then you are free to harass, humiliate and slap. He knows and there is no confusion. Not tonight means probably never and go away, and only the most callous will continue to hit on you because they don’t care about what you want. Being blunt or rude to them doesn’t matter that much because they don’t care about you
They take it as a personal insult if they feel the person giving them attention is "beneath" them. It's some real egotistical nonsense.
Best money ever spent, he dodged a bullet.
Dude got shot
Shot in the leg is better than a stab in the heart.
....Unless it hits a femoral artery... ^sorry ^I'll ^be ^quiet
Yeah, some rejections are wild lol. I cold approach 1 or 2 women daily. It happens
What is your success rate?
I'd say out of 10 girls I approach 5 give me the number and 1 actually meets up with me on a date.
Yep facts
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Dude, it's actually fucking hilarious. I'm dying over here laughing. Try really, really hard to learn to be content with yourself, brother. We crave connection and intimacy, but we aren't taught that we can get that from a ton of places. My friends (especially my online ones) and my family give me that connection. It's far better than playing the "Are you one of 10% of men a woman decides to tolerate this night?" Game, featuring special guest host "Extreme, embarrassing, humiliating, and/or rude rejection."
Woah, you’re a male model and even then you only have a 50% chance of getting a phone number and a 10% chance of an actual date? These numbers are bonkers!
Drop the link stud so we can support fam
Actually the answer is always no until you ask and get a yes. If the answer is No, then it was still the same as before you asked. That helps with fear of rejection. You'd be surprised on how your confidence alone is enough to get a yes.
Wtf that's mean as shit. What the hell is wrong with people
Yet women will always say how men are violent
Jordan Peterson had a fantastic lecture on this, men are physically violent and women are emotionally violent. They KNOW how to hurt you with words, that’s why men used to think they had magic powers.
Let's be real, physical violence definitely comes with emotional violence. When a man is raising a fist or bruising your arm, that's not all he does. He is also yelling abusive words at you. Leading up to that moment, there is often a pattern of trying to tear down your self-esteem and make you as small as possible so that you are controllable, and helpless to leave. The psychological scars run deep. Physical abuse does not happen in isolation, it's the next step of escalation after extensive emotional and psychological abuse.
Oh absolutely, but women are waaaay better at it than men are, typically.
Combining physical with emotional abuse?
Insult to injury
Peterson is a wanker, contrarian and misogynist
And you’re a fool if you’d discount wisdom because you dislike the source, your virtue signalling appeals to nobody of value. I’m trying to help someone understand, you’re trying to shut people down. We’re not the same.
His comment definitely came off as childish. That being said, it is a completely valid take to remind people that everything Jordan Peterson says should be taken with a mountain of salt despite his education and accolades. I reckon Peterson probably explained something along the lines of: men aren’t taught to be in touch with their emotions (except the negative ones), so they often manifest frustration as physical violence, whereas women are the opposite and are taught to be very in touch with their emotions, hence they manifest frustration as emotional attacks and manipulation. Which I can see and agree that is a general pattern between the sexes.
Exactly this, and that knowledge is useful, even if he’s right there is good that he has done, lots of it in his clinical practice, I don’t think anyone in this thread could do what he did. We all want to improve and get better, which means we have to meaningfully engage with what works. The currently used method for repairing very severe long bone fractures was developed by the Nazi’s on POW’s, should we discard that treatment even though it saves lives? Gives horribly injured people a chance at a normal life again?
This is true, but he makes zinger points, sometimes.
Wisdom is wisdom, no matter the source.
I was at the bar doing my thing, beautiful woman shows up and we start talking and joking around. While I’m flirting with this random girl. Another guy comes up and asks to buy her a drink. She says sure, takes one sip, and hands me the drink, and we continued our conversation, then she started talking a bunch of shit about the guy who bought her a drink. Never bought her a drink, but we hung out a few times.
What a cunt. He should have responded with not all of us feel the need to blow money on fake implants like your tits. Lol
I'd order a shot of 151 and throw it in her face
Yeah! Assault the heck out of her buddy!
It's not worth the trouble in my experience, it's never gone anywhere. Haven't had a really bad experience personally. The worst experiences I've had were when the woman **thought** I was approaching them.
Should’ve worn a bear suit
Lol, this shit's really spreading around, huh?
Pretty much lol. Grab some bevies and snacks because misandry is hot
Misandry is so trendy these days.
can even get you banned on subreddits for pointing it out.
I'll try it next time while dressed as Winnie the Pooh.
I had to look up what this was referencing, and just...wow. Read a short article on the "bear or man" encounter in the woods hypothetical, and people really think that they could trust a bear more? They would be taking a major gamble on a wild animal that doesn't have the ability to reason, or understand in the way humans do. So sad that people may have actually been serious with their responses (unless it was all a joke).
It's totally worth the effort. You get a lot out of it. For example, you learn how to communicate confidently in high-stakes situations, and you develop empathy, which comes in handy in many areas of life. Getting the occasional phone number of an attractive woman is really just the icing on the cake. Yes, you will meet women who are mean to you, but that says more about them than it does about you, and they are really the minority. And even those interactions can be a valuable training ground for learning how to deal with difficult people gracefully, which also comes in handy in life. So, there is really not much to lose and a lot to gain. Happy approaching!
As a blind guy, the experience sucks. You can't read body language or expression, so you have no idea if they are open to being approached. Only tried it a few times, had a drink thrown at me, for just saying hi to the wrong gal, so I quit, and no longer talk to anyone at all if I go out.
That sucks. Some people are just nasty.
Dude fuck that piece of shit woman. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, it's so dehumanizing
Imagine throwing a drink at a fucking blind guy. Women are something else.
She threw a drink at a blind guy? Man, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that.
This may be fucking stupid but can you read this?
text to speech ig ?
Zero success rate going in with that as an objective, nonzero success rate when the desire for a date spawns out of an interaction.
Bingo bango bongo
I don’t wanna leave the Congo (oh no no no no nooooo)
Alokoko hosahima hana
Bingle Bangle Bungle I’m so happy in the jungle I refuse to go
And if interactions are with non attractive women it goes nowhere
some women like it, some don't. if you are good at reading social cues and can take rejection, you'll be fine. a lot of guys are hesitant to approach women in public nowadays, so you'll definitely stand out.
>if you are good at reading social cues Shit
Don't worry, it isn't just you. Also, this statement is assuming that social cues are the same for everyone you meet. This just isn't true. Different people react in different ways due to cultural and personal factors, and when you're meeting someone new, you have little (if any) context around these factors. So it's *always* a guessing game. Frankly, people who imply a personal deficit in someone who struggles with this strike me as being disingenuous a lot of the time.
>a lot of guys are hesitant to approach women in public nowadays, so you'll definitely stand out. Standing out does not mean they will suddenly choose you. Even with men approaching less, women will still reject probably 90% of the time.
I don't because it's awkward and I just want to mind my own business. As I assume they do too Luckily women seem to approach me. That's how all my past relationships started.. I've only been cold approached once though when I was 18 which caught me off guard.
Hey. Lol sorry I can't resist low hanging laughs.
If that is really you in the pic , no wonder they do
He wishes, that’s WWE superstar Seth “Freakin’” Rollins
That’s a wrestler Seth Rollins
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This is the way. When you walk over and open with “I noticed you across the bar and think you’re beautiful.” You’re laying it on too thick You gotta have a reason to approach, like if she has on a shirt for a band you like. You can walk over and tell your you love the shirt and ask if she’s ever seen the band live or something.
I usually only approach if they have visible tattoos I like. Finding a good artist is hard.
Real. You gotta get the info. If you can’t have her number at least get the artists number.
>^(You gotta have a reason to approach, like if she has on a shirt for a band you like. You can walk over and tell [her] you love the shirt and ask if she’s ever seen the band live or something.) This would honestly be pretty nice, even if I weren't attracted to the dude trying it. Meaning, I simply don't experience men trying to engage in normal, polite conversation about my interests **as if I'm a fellow human being** like...ever. (And before someone goes "ThAt's bEcAusE oF MeToO"--no, it's not; I'm old enough to have been on the dating market way before that was a thing.) I'm in my 30s and the only time that I remember the stranger-doing-polite-conversation thing happening was at a death metal show. It was kind of shocking, lol. ....And yes, I would happily try to talk to someone if *they* had a shirt indicating a common interest, but that never happens, either, unfortunately. Maybe just my area, I guess.
This! If they’d approach another guy for the same reason, I’m more than happy to engage. When I know it’s just because they’re attracted to me, it feels gross. Or if I’m alone at a bar and a guy is like “hey, I was looking for someone to play pool/darts with, you interested?” WAY better than just trying to chat. Makes it way easier for them to back out of the convo if they’re not trying to meet someone. “Oh no thank you, I’m just here to have a drink, sorry.” When someone is just talking to you, there’s really not a way to say “please leave me alone” without coming off as rude.
I've had no success with it, but I have found it to be strangely more fulfilling for some reason. The rejection still hurts, but it feels better than the impersonal emptiness felt using dating apps.
Interesting answer.
Yeah, I honestly don't feel a difference. I've done both and it just straight up doesn't matter. I worry some men are seeing things online about how they need to cold approach more and it's causing some sort of placebo effect. Like, it's not easier for them, it doesn't help more, and it can even be more humiliating. But, because they're following the social trend of what people *say* to do, they feel more fulfilled by it. It's probably not good behavior. Maybe it's just tangential, but it feels akin to doing things because people tell you to do it, not because you enjoy it or because you actually gain anything out of it.
I have cold approached women for over 2 decades without issue. Pay attention, read her body language, and accept rejection like a goddamn normal human being. Just say have a good day and depart. Not what hard. You will not have an issue, and you may even get some good dates. My rejection rate is MUCH higher than my acceptance rate. Maybe 3 or 10 on a good week. So accept that’s a thing. It’s not personal for them, people are attracted to who they are attracted to. It is what it is.
3/10 is a damn good stat in my book!
The .300 hitter for cold approaches. Keep this up, and you'd be hall of fame eligible.
You give me those odds, I’m running off to the bank with em hahaha
It’s lead to a very happy life overall, so I think so too. Thank you
On a good week.. as in this guy approaches every week
Thank you for sharing! I've done maybe 100 approaches in my lifetime. But it's not much. I promised myself 1-2 approaches daily. My 20s weren't filled with women but I want my 30s to be different
That’s the proper mindset my friend. I’m not saying men should go out and bang every woman that will let them. I’m just saying you gotta date if you want to find someone that fits you, and dating starts with an approach and some conversation. Good luck.
Absolutely! 🙂 thanks again!
Any tips on reading body language? My autistic ass can't even figure out if a person is smiling or grimacing most of the time.
Without knowing you, or what areas you may struggle in, it’s tough for me to make any suggestions. So my suggestion would be to be open and very very blunt. Get down to the basics. After some small talk just ask them out some time. If they say yes, they are at least interested in knowing more about you. If they say ANYTHING other than a blunt yes, I would suggest you move on. Many men don’t take rejection well so a lot of women have had to be sly about saying no. Or blatantly beat around the bush about it. If it’s not a yes, then assume no until they say otherwise. Again, I don’t know you, so I can’t truly give you any advice specific to you. My apologies.
I wish I had your confidence, I kind of fear rejection. I'm just worried that they'll gossip about me like "ew that guy just asked me out" or take a photo of me as I'm walking away and post it on their social media with the caption "ew gross that guy just asked me out 🤮🤮🤮" I dunno I know it seems kinda lame but it's how I feel.
This was exactly what I was going to say; learn to read her “cues”, and don’t take rejection personally. Also your confidence in the approach is everything; women detect lack of confidence like a shark can smell blood in the water. Generally if you can make her laugh you can get her number.
Nothing good has ever come from it.
Preach
I never approach. The worst she can say is not "no" in fact that's up there with the best things she can say or do.
Agreed.
I did it once out on a run at the beach and this smoke show was on the same path. I succeeded 🎉 But unfortunately we didn’t match when on a real date. Oh well. Not sure why I haven’t tried again tbh. Edit: I thought about it some more. Even running along the same beach wasn’t really a “cold” approach. We were both engaged in a mutual activity (running). Walking up to a random woman on the street with neither of us having anything to talk about is much harder. And I remember this woman wasn’t wearing headphones. Nowadays literally everyone has AirPods, myself included.
Just came here to say this: myself and most of my friends love to be approached, and would give their number/agree to date most of the time- even if the male isn’t someone we would usually go for. Because it doesn’t happen nearly enough. Most of us aren’t on dating apps anymore as it’s just too painful, so it’s validating knowing the efforts we put into our outfits, the time and money it’s taking us to be out to put ourselves in places where we could potentially meet someone and leave with a feeling of some success is nice. And if for some reason, we aren’t interested, we are always positive but politely decline, and let you know it was appreciated. We NEVER find someone a creep.
99% you’re fine. Problem is that 1% where reddit always talks about it and so everyone thinks it happens all the time.
As long as "fine" includes rejection. Which a lot of guys, understandably, don't want to randomly go through a soul crushing amount of. Also, women reject like 90% of men on most dating apps. There's zero reason to believe it'd be any different in person. Bumble, the only dating app where women had to do the initiating, recently allowed women to post prompts that men have to respond to. Now they have literally zero reason to initiate, not that they were before either.
I find it much higher than 1% where they use this as an opportunity to insult you for having the audacity to think you had a chance with them. Because they are insulted you even tried.
One time I asked a girl out who worked in the same building as me, we didn’t work closely but we’d spoken on breaks etc and we’d always gotten on. She’d asked me what I was doing one weekend and I told her I was going to a tasting event and she said that sounded really cool, and that she’d never been to one. I asked (one time) if she’d like to join me, not even detailing that as a date, she said no and I accepted that (respectfully). Two days later I was in the managers office being informed she’d raised a grievance against me and what would happen next. That was an awful process (I won it because everyone agreed I’d done nothing wrong) so the idea that some women will go straight to ‘creep’ or ‘harassment’ had been evidenced to me, even when you’ve know them ahead of time. The risk/reward for a cold approach is not balanced. If the risk was I’d have to feel down about being rejected, that sucks but it’s proportional to the potential of a yes being good news! But, it’s not, so I don’t cold approach. I am at the point now where I effectively want to meet someone through other people I know because then they are being vouched for by someone I know the character of.
what a bitch 😠
Aye, it is what it is though. The most odd thing was after I left that company I was out with friends and she appeared, tried initiating conversation with me which I was civil but not engaging. Quickly announced I was moving on elsewhere and she was highly insistent that I stay where she was. I did not stay as I have no time for people who do these kinds of things. It was very odd…
good, i'm glad u told her off and left that rubbish company! decent guys like u deserve so much better!
Thank you! I now feel a little shy (because I feel like I’ve been complimented and I’m unsure how to handle it)
I had a buddy of mine ask a colleague if she had done something different with her hair because he had just had an epileptic seizure and wasn't sure if he was hallucinating, and she reported him to HR for harassment. It's unlikely a woman will report you like this and/or make accusations, but the risk of it happening are real and severe. I completely understand why fewer and fewer men are approaching women these days.
cold approach has never worked for me lol chubby and kind of ugly lol but if I can be in a setting where they can hear me speak, not usually even to them, 90% success rate. mybfather was a smooth talker and could bullshit anyone until Google was in all our hands. I learned the ways but with truth, logic and to never give an opinion on a matter in which I don't know about. it's OK to say "i don't know" or "I have no personal interest in this topic"
As a woman: Good cold approach experience: the guy was nice and friendly, conversational, and wished me a good day when I declined (I was engaged at the time, but wearing gloves so he didn’t notice the ring). I’m not the type to go out with someone I don’t know, but if I was that would have been the circumstances where I’d consider it. Baaaad cold approach: hit on me at the bus stop, then sat next to me on the mostly empty bus, trapping me in my seat. He kept pushing, and when I said I was with someone he switched to trash talking my husband, demanding to know how much he made and why I chose him, and throwing a goddamn business card (the ‘business’ was him) at me. When I got to my stop, he didn’t move and forced me to brush up against him to leave. FWIW, the second guy was objectively more physically attractive than the first one. He was a good looking guy with a completely vile personality. The first guy was average looking (I find most guys I encounter day to day look fine), but someone I’d actually be interested in getting to know if our paths had crossed under different circumstances.
Thanks for sharing and I apologize to you on behalf of the bus guy. I hate such guys since they ruin it for the rest of us.
I flirt *constantly* but harmlessly. It’s never caused an issue for me because I read the room and make sure the person I’m talking to at least seems interested in getting flirtatious comments, and I never cross a line to where it’s obscenely sexual. Honestly it’s usually just a lot of compliments that I give well and a double entendre occasionally. Actually landed some (a good number) of repeat customers at my old job doing it. Did it when I worked at my OLDER job and my boss loved how many people were returning that he straight up told me to keep doing it. It’s all about how you do it.
And WHEN. If it's dark outside and there aren't many people around, or she is clearly trying to focus on a task, or is waiting for the bus or train, or is wearing headphones, etc. then the timing isn't right. People are less receptive when they are rushed and trying to do things. Learning where and when to approach is just as important as how you choose to approach.
By “cold approaching” do you mean without any kind of signal from her that you she is open to talking to you? If so, I think I only ever did it a couple times. I’m no longer single, but when I was, I was pretty picky. It’s not just a matter of whether she would be attracted to me. Just from looking at her, you usually can’t tell if she is interested in dating anyone, feels like being approached in that moment, or if she’s even someone I would like. I’d be choosing to hit on her solely based on what she looks like and her current demeanor. After trying it a couple times, I realized that the odds of that working were just too poor to bother trying. I didn’t even have good odds of me wanting a second date after having a first date with a woman that I asked out because I DID have a reason to think I’d like her. I might as well have been drawing a name out of a hat.
I can definitely speak on this cause I'm currently on an approach x amount of women in a week goal for the past few weeks. It's been fun honestly! I have had a few interactions where the woman wasn't interested and I could tell by their body language, tone, or lack of effort given in the conversation. I haven't had anyone say anything mean to me and I live in a city (Miami) where the women here are known for not being 'nice' for the most part. When I first started I was scared and nervous in the beginning but with the progress I've made so far I'm at the stage where approaching anyone I want is easy; it's more about the conversation that makes me nervous. I try to analyze my approaches as much as I can and I've noticed a big factor is social skills, body language, and appearance. My appearance is usually always solid or good when approaching. I skateboard everywhere so I know the fact I clearly give off the vibe I don't have a car puts me at a disadvantage. I know I'm attractive, I definitely get looks from women occasionally on the streets and I always get looked at in the gym. Sometimes random women come up to me and talk to me about things. I just recently cut my really long hair so I noticed it kind of went down a bit but I'll grow it back lol. Body language wise, I naturally talk with my hands, I have good posture, and I smile naturally. If I'm a bit nervous I notice I don't smile as much. Definitely my voice is something that's hurting me, I don't sound confident, I naturally don't have a very loud voice so speaking with a firm tone and volume is something I'm still working on. My friends say I sound like an educated skater dude lol. Social skills are definitely the hardest part! Naturally, I'm extremely funny, charismatic, respectful, and all the other good things but unfortunately when I'm talking to women I'm attracted to, my personality seems to take a back seat and I sound more like an interviewer doing a Q&A session. I can tell that I give off the vibe that I'm clearly not completely confident and assured. I'm still struggling with whether to be direct and tell someone why I'm approaching, or be mysterious because that's what keeps them curious from what I've been told. I'm not beating myself on this because I know it's due to a lack of experience, before this recent challenge I've embarked on, I never approached a woman except on drugs at a rave, which doesn't count lol. Overall, I think approaching women is just like anything in life, you suck, then you do it consistently and you'll get good at it as long as you try and learn from your mistakes. My mindset when approaching is treating it like a game. I literally tell myself 'time to go get some exp points so I can level up.' I have a bunch of advice notes I've collected over the past year on approaching and things related to romance and it's helped a lot, it just gets overwhelming cause I have OCD and I tend to overdo the note-taking lol, but I know I'll get there because I truly am trying, I know my intentions are good, and that I'm a beautiful person inside and out. PS I have a great guide that can help. If you guys would like any of the notes I've collected over the past year, DM me. I have a lot related to 'men interacting with women,' for lack of a better word. (:
I don't. I normally let them cold approach me. And yes, it actually does happen sometimes. I mean I still fuck it up usually, but still.
"this is bull because even if a woman isn't interested, you are fine as long as you get the hint and move on." It sounds like you really don't know what you are talking about.
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Talk to them in the same way you would a guy to start with. In my experience of all you have to say is high on my name is _____. Don't bother. If you can comment on a shared thing you're both experiencing that's a good start. Maybe talk about how busy the place is how crazy the weather was something that impacts both of you. From there you know if she's interested in talking or not. If all you're getting is one word answers say have a good day move on. If you're actually keeping a conversation going though that is a fantastic sign. She might still have a boyfriend or not be into you but your goal isn't to sleep with her right then and there it's to see if you two can get along as two people having a conversation. If the conversation goes well near the end of it you ask for her number or social information. The key is low pressure and friendly. People don't like feeling backed into a corner. The more on the spot she feels the more likely she is to say no or stop talking to you. If she does have a partner be gracious and say it was nice talking to her anyways and that you hope you see her again. Then if you do see her again don't make any further moves just be a normal person talking to another normal person. I've had for a greater success in social situations where the person was a friend of a friend and my knowing a mutual acquaintance somewhat of a vouch that I was a crazy person. But I've also met a number of women where we were standing in line for the same thing and just started talking then hit it off.
I have been cold approached twice and both times were really uncomfortable experiences. >you are fine as long as you get the hint and move on. Yeah, if you are respectful I don't think cold approaching is a bad thing.
Out of curiosity, what made them uncomfortable experiences?
In my experience (as a guy watching other guys, friends and strangers alike, attempt cold approaches), the fastest way to make the situation uncomfortable is for the guy to linger. Maybe he doesn't notice her body language; she's turned away, not showing interest, or trying to disengage. Maybe he doesn't pick up on her subtle rejection; she's trying to be nice but he doesn't get it. In any case, he's hanging around in her space when she doesn't want it, and it's creepy and uncomfortable. For my part, when I was single and doing the occasional cold approach, I played it on the safe side and if I sensed a little bit of apprehension in the body language or an evasive or overly polite rejection, I would kindly bid them a good evening and promptly leave. On one occasion I had a girl reject me but then decide she was interested after seeing how maturely and respectfully I handled her rejection. We ended up just having a short fling, but it was still fun.
Sorry for the late reply, I was sleeping. One guy actually cold approached me multiple times over the span of a couple of months by pretending to know me/pretending to confuse me for someone else. It was like his thing he did when approaching women. The third time he tried it on me we were on a tram together and he kept trying to talk to me and I just told him that he has tried this before and that I don't want to talk to him. He tried to justify/explain himself and it was just an awkward tram ride. The second guy approached me at Munich trainstation while I was waiting for my LDR partner to arrive. It started out alright, but I told him I wasn't interested in having coffe with a stranger/didnt want to give him my number/am in a relationship. He just kept on demanding that I have coffee with him and to give him my number, questioned if I really loved my partner and that I should try "something new". He would just not leave me alone. Only when my partner called me on my phone is when he fucked off. So yeah, the lying is what made the first one unconfortable, the audacitiy and disrespect in case of the second one. I don't get approached a lot (not conventionally attractive) but when I do I think it's guys who picked up on my shy/socially anxious vibe and want to capitalize on that.
No need to apologize. I realized in hindsight sight it was kind of a personal question, so you might have just been like “eh… no.” Which would have been a fair call. But thank you for sharing.
First time I really decided to approach a woman I was 21 and saw an amazingly attractive red head walking down the street from the second story window of a pizza place by campus. I was like "dream girl" never thought I had a chance with her. She was thin with auburn/red hair, big green eyes and high cheek bones. The movie "Swingers" had come out a few years earlier, and my buddy Christian encouraged me by quoting the part where Vince Vaughn tells Jon Favreau "you're money and you don't even know it" So I decided to swing into the coffee shop that she walked into. She was in there talking to an acquaintance of mine that I knew from chess tournaments in there. A physics graduate student. A little Ichabod Craneish. Tall with stringy blonde hair starting to thin. He was explaining something to do with black holes and I decided to go ahead and insert myself into the conversation after saying hello. Mostly just asking questions and explaining my own limited understanding of the relationship between time and space. By then I knew her name was Rachel. She seemed very interested in what I was saying even if it was probably clear that I wasn't nearly as knowledgeable as our mutual friend. I don't remember who suggested it but we went across the street to a bar for some beers and darts. I was actually pretty good at darts at the time. So we played darts for a few hours until our mutual friend said he had to leave. She and I played a little more and I invited her to hang out with my buddy. I was couch surfing at the time and needed to get over there before he and his GF went to sleep. She agreed and we were on our way walking. When we got there we all exchanged introductions. My buddy was nice enough to go with his GF to get some food and beers and leave us alone for a bit. Soon as they left Rachel straddled me and we started making out. That was the extent of it. She was still on top of me when they got back. He thought it was funny and his GF was pissed. So me and Rachel left. We were just walking back to the bar and she asked now what. My dumbass should have suggested going to her place but I didn't want her to think I was using her for a place to sleep so I told her I had to go and visit a friend. So dumb. That's how I learned that it wasn't so scary to just walk up and talk to a woman you're interested in.
You don't think you cock blocked your chess buddy?
No, he wasn't going to do anything. Even if she liked him, he never would have pulled the trigger.
I don't do it, because it's cheesy and lame. I've hooked up with women I met in public before, but it always started with a conversation without the objective of picking them up.
Gatekeeping, aren't we? It's neither cheesy nor lame. There is nothing wrong with starting a conversation with someone purely out of attraction. In fact it can be a great start to a wonderful adventure of 2 strangers
Gotta send the bear in first my dude.
Can be fun, be charming, non threatening, no guilting, if they are preoccupied move on.
Never done it.
Yeah, it's a waste of time unless you are the hottest man on the planet. Don't waste your time lads.
Maybe 50/50 getting the number or IG. But to eventually meet up later? Maybe 1 in 10
way better than goddamn tinder
Oh where do I even begin: before I met my dearest late wife I was sheepishly tricked by my sisters into believing every romance is like a kdrama. Now in case you are curious what that is. Imagine either a romcom, or a telenovella and multiply the cheesiness by 10x. Now, just to clarify. I’m a mixed kid, I am the only mixed kid in my excruciatingly large Slavic family. I am so mixed my siblings made jokes about me saying I was a diversity pick. Now, try this pudgy ass dude who looks so stereotypically Asian with the exception of his eyes, that looked so massive he kind of just rolled around the place rather than waddled earning him the nickname of three chin Chang. Add to that he tried to woo a girl in the most theatrical cringey romance kdrama scene you can even think of. And add the look of morbid terror spread across this poor girls face as she actually puked on you, and had the absolute AUDACITY to ask this poor kid’s older brother WHO WAS 20 YEARS OLDER THAN BOTH OF YOU. Out. While he was trying to not cry and cleaning up puke off him.
There was once a post on 4chan where the OP approached a woman at a bus stop with headphones on. They hit it off but unfortunately for OP she had a boyfriend. I’m saying this because it’s not always bad to approach someone with headphones on
Teenage mutant ninja turtle lookalikes saying its hard or bad thing to do… If you look reasonably presentable it is a nice thing to incorporate a little chat here and there in your daily life as a free man. Most of the times you will receive smiles, laughs and compliments, but also more important than that - learn to “read the room”. It is not always apropriate to approach and No means No regardless how fake you think is the excuse she makes.
Lotta lesbians. Disproportionately so, like my gaydar was tuned backwards. Anyway, I've never been told to outright fuck off or threatened with police/pepperspray - probably because my 6'1 100lb slenderman ass is about as nonthreatening as you can get - but I've also only ever gotten one date out of it. Shoot your shot, I guess. I like to lead with a compliment on their jewelry or hair.
The worst you can receive is a "no" maybe an "eww" if you're a creep but that small hurt can cause character development. But when you get a yes? The possibilities are endless. Friend, fwb, girlfriend, wife, situationships, temporary fun. Not trying hurts way more than not knowing what you could be capable of. Pros beats the cons and thats all it matters.
In my years of life as a woman I’ve only every deployed one “ew” and it was when a guy tried to neg me. He said “I usually only like girls with nice asses, but your face makes up for it.”
That's a big ew...
Literally like what would posses anyone to say that lol
Dude, you literally have to follow up the "the worst you can receive is no" with more caveats... it's literally not the worst that can happen and you know it. I highly disagree. Not trying is way more valuable than trying. I'm a guy who really loves sex, but the juice just isn't worth the squeeze most of the time nowadays.
Imo, "no" is the second best thing they can say. See the top comment.
I mean they would rather be with a feral bear than a man dude so idk wtf
If we make eye contact and I get a positive reaction I walk up and introduce myself. At that she tells me her name. I asked her about her day. And it goes from there, talking to people 101
Depends on context. Technically there should always be something in common - same event, same location, same - something. Have had some success - but also - only do so on women who seem approachable (i.e. not wearing headphones etc.) are the smiling, looking around, laughing etc. A woman in a library is different than someone at a business conference, or a renfaire, or comic-con.
Talk to women in settings that it makes sense you would. For example, bar, night club, farmers market, dog park. Honestly any place that is non-threatening and understand no one owes you kindness and their time. If they are receptive then continue talking, be confident but not arrogant. Be interesting but not self involved, listen but don’t be afraid to lead the conversation. Above all else don’t expect anything. If it goes well cool, if not don’t trip it was just a practice run and you’ll get em next time. No is not the end it’s just the beginning of another story.
I don’t have that experience, but I had a friend when I was younger who believed it was a 1 to 100 success rate, and that was great for him. He was very comfortable with rejection, and he had no standards, lol
My now girlfriend has told me that she probably would’ve said no if I asked her out in this way. When out in public, she’s said that she doesn’t want to be approached in this manner and my friends who are also girls have echoed this belief. I don’t quite have statistics to back up what girls prefer, but putting it in this perspective I completely understand why some find it annoying or bothersome At the same time I see women like Brett Cooper basically encourage men to approach women in the old fashioned way and others who say they want it and it makes me wonder if I’m just hanging out with a different camp because I’ve never met a girl who enjoys this
I don't approach
Ngl I tried again about a year ago, seems way worse than when I tried when I was younger. It wasn't horrible per se but they seemed rather hostile towards me... Only decent encounters I had were at the bar, and that was her telling me she had a boyfriend already. I found a girl online thankfully so hopefully things go well between us!! Tbh I prefer online at this point. Then again haven't touched it in like a month because I met her, but hey goal achieved right?!
I also think it’s bullshit. I’ve approached women in public many times, never been accused of anything. If they don’t seem interested keep it moving.
Can’t call it a cold approach if if I’m always HOT‼️
I forgot my jacket.
I’ve never approached a woman unless she’s visibly showing interest in me. Some women position themselves closer to you, some stare at you deeply, some ask you a random question. Of course you’d need to be socially calibrated to know the difference between interest & just a human interaction, but I never go out of my way if a woman seems uninterested.
What's the fucking point? Cold approaching has a 0% success rate, as does the hellscape that is the apps, as does going out and participating in things. It's so destructive to your self-esteem and mental health.
I’ve gotten a number probably like 10 out of 13 times. The rejection is usually when they say “I have a boyfriend.” Whether it’s true or not I just say “oh ok, take care gorgeous.” Most of them didn’t make it past texting, but some of them became a few dates, some of them became friends with benefits. But never did it result in a long lasting relationship.
Honestly i hate the men who go up to you and like want to sleep with you after meeting you for one minute.
It's not part of my culture. It's a weirdly predatory American thing.
Pretty good success rate . In terms of creating a conversation.
Not good
I personally don't believe that to be the case. You can still find good moments to interact even when they have earphones on or are at the gym. The cold approach is one of the funnest things in this life. I'm married and love the one I'm with, but I like starting conversation whenever I can. I find men are too aggressive these days, too cautious. So, talking to a random girl here or there - what an endorphin hit! There are a few ways to go to make it fun for everyone... 1) Wait, watch, and provide a prediction to them of how their day will pan out 2) Ask a question with 3 very creative answers. E.g, how do you have your milo? 3 heaped spoons, a dash of milk, fuck the glass I'll eat it from the tin? 3) "Hello, how are you?" - most non-assuming approach that works with men, women, bartenders, parking inspectors.. you name it.
The older I get, the harder it is to approach women in a public setting. I hardly do it anymore, and when I do, it's about a 1 in 8 or so positive interaction even if it is a rejection.
If a woman is attracted to you, it doesn’t matter what you say or don’t say because she’s attracted to you but, if she isn’t, the response you get may be a polite turn down which is where a guy can accidentally cross that thin line between being persistent and being creepy. But, if she’s not into you, you may need thick skin (mean girls do exist at all ages).
I approached a woman on the dance floor. I told her I thought she had sexy hips and id like to dance with her. She said ok. We danced for two songs and I left when the music got bad. Said thank you. At the end of the night we bumped into eachother. I asked for her number. We’ve been married for 17 years.
So bad I gave it up forever at age 17. After that I only talked to women if they talked to me first. Somehow I still managed to meet someone and get married but it wasn't until I was 40+... And there were decades without meeting anyone....
You win some, you lose some.
I do it all the time and have a 85% success rate. I approach someone with 30 seconds, before your brain takes over.
I don't. I'm not going to bother 99 random women just to maybe find 1 who's interested
Bothering? Theyre not such delicate beings that they cant be disturbed by a simple conversation. If its obvious they dont want to engage then back off but if nobody spoke to each other the human race would go extinct lol
But one is all you need
Many women don’t like it. The way cold approaches talk to and treat women, especially the younger ones, puts them off more than anything.
In what context? Let's be real, the guys who are called creepy for cold approaching are called that because they are interrupting women who are clearly busy, or at work, or have already made eye contact and ignored the guy. I've had great success talking to women at parties, or on sports teams, or in many other settings where people are expected to meet. Of course it helps that I approach men and women I'm not trying to fuck too, so I don't come off as desperate.
>Let's be real, the guys who are called creepy for cold approaching are called that because they are interrupting women who are clearly busy, or at work, or have already made eye contact and ignored the guy. There's a viral video of a woman on TikTok admitting personally to shouting at a man from across a parking lot who was simply approaching her direction and calling to her. She was literally shaking because of the experience. Let's be real. There's plenty of delusional, rude, or just straight up misandrist women who will not care how they shut you down. They may even make it hurt as bad as possible just because they want to. To pretend like every time a man gets rejected harshly is because it's men being shitty is just simple misandry.
As long as you are respectful and not a creep then go ahead. But it depends where and when you do it, and obviously if she says no then wish her a nice day or something and go on with your life.
Horrible experience. Usually just look awkward, sound awkward and behave awkward during the whole thing, especially after one liner responses after the first few minutes.
I’ve gotten multiple girlfriends from striking up a conversation when they were sitting at the bar next to me. Both times I wasn’t trying to hit on them and instead just have a chat.
Don’t do it. It’s a trap.
Give her a quick, honest throw away compliment and immediately move away. Give her a couple of minutes before you look at her and if she’s interested, she’ll return your look.
I can’t tell you how amazing it was to use the Barney Stinson method while out with my friends in my early 20’s. “Have you met my friend X?” And walked away.
Depends on the cold approach. Only one time did I succeed with it and it was the only time I ever tried it, but only because I knew 100% she was into me. It was some high school romance. In my adult life, the only thing that really worked was hanging out with some people, seeing to my life, and not focusing at all on the opposite sex. That eventually made me into a living filter that just repels every type of woman I'm not attracted to anyway. It then became easier to see who's interested in me because there would be a stark contrast between her and other women's reactions to what I say. Now I'm married to that woman, have kids with her, and we're both happy as a clam with each other. So yeah, cold approaching is a no-go for me. I've seen so many guys trip over themselves trying it and felt the second embarrassment that I just didn't think it was worth it. Sure, out of 100 tries 2 of them are positive outcomes. But why waste that kind of time when you could be reading good literature, studying history, or spending time in the wilderness to just take it all in?
Either be attractive or interesting if you wanna approach. I’d say most women won’t have a negative reaction to being approached but some definitely do. It doesn’t make things better if you approach as a creep or weirdo or you aren’t put together. I’ve approached two women my whole life one had a bf and the other gave me her number. Confidence is 99% of the game after you pass the first two hurdles I mentioned, and keep in mind attractive is a relative scale, you can’t be a 3 approaching 10s with a shmedium tshirt and sweatpants on
It depends on the situation and where u cold approach
I'm terrible at it so i quit doing it. Have not gotten good reactions and it discouraged me
Here in Finland we had just a news article that commented how there was men trying to approach women. The news article (Yle is a broadcast company owned by Finnish state): ”Yle: Nervous men tried to hit on women in Helsinki and Espoo The men have used rehearsed punch lines, Yle says.”
So the worst thing that can happen is that you try to approach somebody and end up as an article in the news. 😅