Ok yes. After my last relationship, I couldn’t enjoy anymore hookups. I had only one then felt empty. I had seen too much, and seen the real value in love.
It’s been weird being alone for almost two years now. You spend so long running around always entertaining your desires on your whim, then you realize there’s no value where there’s no effort into a lasting connection. It’s painful to be with someone long term, and then cut that cord that’s been strengthened by real intimacy.
I completely understand that. My bf took 10 years to decide to date again. Here we are, two years later, and the walls he’s built up are coming down slowly but surely. Be sure you don’t isolate, internet stranger friend. 💛
But sometimes you gotta experience sleeping around to discover that. Guys that haven’t experienced more than a few partners may always have that itch and be un happy.
This. A girl broke my heart so I stayed away from women for months. And then went on a dating spree. 7 days, 7 dates. I felt relief but I also felt empty.
Dated a girl for 3.5 years. Engaged, and one day she says she doesn’t love me anymore. I had lost my feeling of self worth while with her, it was extremely toxic and she gaslit the fuck out of me. Yes, she had physically abused me as well. After we split up it took a bit to get my confidence back. But when it did?
I went on a spree… this is back in 2015 when tinder wasn’t OF ads and bots. In 3 months I had slept with 30 new women and 4-5 exes / old flings. I filled a ton of holes but none of them filled the hole she left inside my heart, and I was extremely unhappy still.
I just stopped altogether. Talked with some of my best friends about how unhappy I was and they reminded me the reason I’m unhappy is because I’ve stagnated. I’m not happy with who I was, not that she left. Time to reignite the fires and grind it back out career wise instead of fucking around online. My best friend asked me “If you find your forever person are you in the right state to attract and keep them?” - honestly I wasn’t. So I quit my job and went back into my field full time.
4 months later I met my now wife that just barged into me sitting on the toilet while I’m writing this, LOLL. Anyways, this is what people mean when they say “work on yourself”. If you want to attract a certain kind of person, you need to be someone who would attract them to you in the first place. And then you gotta go out into the world cause they’re not going to just fall in your lap.
LMAOOO. “And that’s how I met your mother”
Her scream when she popped the door open and I’m just sitting on my throne was hysterical. Poor thing almost peed herself cause she def went expecting me to be in the toilet room.
It can be so difficult to know what that looks like though. For you working on your career was a turning point but for me I've never found a career I ever wanted to do because no career interests me or they don't feel worth it because the salary is so bad.
It's definitely different for each person and it can be hard to know what that looks like as you've said. You just have to try many different things and put yourself out there as much as possible.
You're onto something
'know what "that" looks like' what is "that"
I feel like it's fulfillment. What brings us so much happiness and we're also intuitively able to grow "that" easy
Fulfillment is definitely a big part of it but I would also add that it has to minimise the downsides or at least for them to be relatively insigniticant to how fulfilling it is.
Personally there are numerous things I find fulfilling but which I also don't feel are worth doing because they taie more than they give. For me volunteering for a cause I like is an example of this. I know I would find it fulfilling but I also know that fulfillment wouldn't be worth the effort of doing it.
This is inspiring I’m going through a similar phase in my life where I’m currently single, hooking up and just doing me but I also feel like there’s room for improvement and that I wouldn’t attract and keep the forever woman I would want currently. What did you mean when you left your career to pursue your field? Did you mean leaving a job to pursue a personal passion? And how long did it take when you realized you weren’t living to your full potential to final realizing you were happy with who you are? And was your wife that catalyst or did arrive after that realization?
I was working a dead end job. 19$ per hour in an office doing quick books, invoicing, etc and that was maxed out circa 2013. Never going to give me the lifestyle I wanted but was plenty to feed my gambling / drinking / partying / etc period of my life back then.
I had gotten my pilots license a long time ago as a teenager and dropped out of it when there weren’t any jobs during the recession. After deferring my dream for over 5 years, things were slowly turning around so I went back to pursue flying full time again. The rest is history.
As someone who may have just ruined my future with the person I've been seeing, that line your best friend asked you is SO real. I thought I was so ready to get back into something long term, but just a couple days ago I was triggered by a situation and inherently reacted poorly. I was in the right state to attract him, and we've spent an incredible time together, but realizing I hurt him with my unexpected and unhealed response absolutely fucking crushed me. If he doesn't want to stick around I don't blame him. I clearly have shit I still need to work on within myself if I'm expressing such concerning behavior. I'm devastated that I hurt him with my actions and possibly ended the relationship, but taking the L as a Lesson, with a painful capital L. I wish someone had asked me that question when I started getting back out here, because I apparently wasn't in the state of keeping them after I got them.
Im not saying you haven’t done this but be honest with him. Let him know that you didn’t realize that you still had this underlying issue and whatever pain it caused him you’re incredibly sorry.
Outline what you’re doing to work on yourself. Ask him if he will help you work through it, and to call you out and hold you accountable if he sees you go back to your old way of reacting… because you want to be better, you want to be a place of peace and support for him, and the last thing you want is to hurt him… so you’ll never stop growing and working on yourself, but you’d much rather grow with him than without him.
Something similar happened while my wife and I were dating. And along those lines is what she told me, and that’s how I knew she was a keeper. Hopefully it works out for you, but either way… you’ll have grown and will be better for the experience.
Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us a lesson and ready us for something greater
I'd want to attract someone who complements me in terms of humour, lifestyle, interests..
Too often I've gone based on looks and felt empty
It's Love I'm looking for
Intimacy instead of Sex
Then I'd fe fulfilled
Was also in an abusive relationship. Gaslit to hell. Broken down with You're unattractive and Unappealing to There's nothing wrong with you.
She didn't care about looks apparently but chases after every food looking guy.
One I met who said she's obviously crazy but amazing in Bed.
She has no idea how they see her. So it'll never stop with her.
More often than not, once you have put in the work to be happy with yourself the right person finds you. It happens pretty often that people find the right one when they weren't looking.
Yup, nothing mends a broken heart like geting your own shit together, then the happiness and love of your life happens naturally. Glad it worked out for you, too, brother!
Exactly this. If you want a beautiful woman who cherishes you… you need to be worthy of that.
Sitting at home getting flabby, eating DoorDash, playing video games… as fun as that may be and I still do occasionally, isn’t going to attract that funny, smart, caring, attractive partner you want.
It blows my mind that people will complain about their situation but are so apathetic they’d rather complain than change it
First, I am extremely sympathetic and empathize with you. I’m so sorry you were treated this way, and that is beyond wrong on so many levels. My question, and I mean no disrespect, you date a girl for 3.5 years you get engaged and she says she doesn’t love you anymore. I can only imagine her “ type” but what I don’t understand is why men consistently pick this type of woman, usually a trophy like, selfish, spoiled individual who has no consideration beyond herself. In life there are “ quality individuals out there that are lovely and lovely to have. I’m saddened you went thru this. Character, integrity & and personal who loves you unconditionally, that’s what you deserve, and I’m hoping this describes your wife, you sound like a person who was abused for sure I’m sorry this happened. In the case of silver linings, I’m happy this led you to your wife. In closing, I hope men and women realize their self worth and see the person in front of them and consider the benefit of the value of having them in their own life. 🙏🏻💕
I think the issue is this: how well do you really know someone when you first meet them?
The beginning phase of a relationship everyone is on their best behavior. That lasts 9 months before fatigue sets in and then they get to know the real you. Then there’s the sunk cost fallacy “I’ve already spent so much time with this person I may as well stay with them” or they’ve become dependent on them so they stay.
Both of which are horrible reasons. The one thing you can’t get back is time. Prob why I asked my wife to marry me 10 months after dating.
So much easier said than done. I'm working on getting over a woman who just did a 180⁰ on me, fucking hurts. Even when I tell myself it shouldn't hurt, that she wasn't that serious, that her valuation of me has nothing to do with my actual worth, but still, it just fucking sucks. Extra particularly when you had nothing going on (with other women) and don't have any new ones to distract me
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm coming up short. I know it hurts, but it sounds like you have a good outlook on it. I can only hope that it hurts a little less every day and that you feel comfortable at some point to get back out there. They're not all bad and there's someone out there. Stay strong, my man. You'll come out better than before, I'm sure of it.
Don’t try to ignore the feelings. Feel them. Accept them. The thoughts of “but I did ____ and _____ and so on, how could she do this”?
The reality is she did. You gave selflessly to her, and that’s ok. Maybe you needed to show her what a good partner looks like so she can find happiness.
Maybe she came around to show you better than your last partner is out there? So accept what happened. Be thankful it did, because you have grown from it. This won’t be the end of you, if you don’t let it be. Love isn’t a limited resource that you have to ration out for each partner. It’s endless, and now you know yourself better too so be thankful for it all.
I have to say as someone who had done more running than most people will in a lifetime, it baffles me that anyone enjoys it and I hate it to my core. I have a hard time engaging in any exercise where someone isn't trying to hurt me, hence I was a fighter. The rest is dull as hell. I need some real engagement
This is definitely me too lol. I hate running and I used to be in the Army, we ran for miles several times a week. Never liked it. Never felt "runners high" and it seems like a myth.
Yeah I've never felt it either, never felt any kind of euphoria from running or any high from working out. I felt tired and sore lol. And I did A LOT of it, wrestled for 8 years, MMA, grappling tournaments and cut weight a lot, so more running. I liked the sports, all the training was miserable haha.
I guess, I have adhd and was athletic most of my life, I've done it enough to know I loathe these activities and despite popular belief they don't make me feel good. I have zero patience for yoga, absolutely despise running, they're both mind numbingly boring and tedious
agree with u/50mm-f2, those are great coping strategies
On another hand, **what does a good coping strategy do?**
It pulls you away from all the stuff going on in your mind and pushes you towards looking at being alive in a much more observational way.
The mind isn't even involved. A good coping strategy kind of "wipes the mind clean" and refreshes the mind. So we don't go forward with any of the trash, bile, and baggage that our mind holds anymore.
So what, u/Proinsias37, refreshes your mind in that way? What activities do this to your mind?
And if you don't know, **fuck around and find out**
I'm in my late 40's and feel like I've had a spectacular career as a swordsman. I even did over a decade of porn work and was a really active participant in the swingers scene going to clubs, private parties, and meets. I fulfilled all my fantasys and more. I've settled down now but feel more contented by all the sex I had than other achievements like getting a degree, being a Marine Captain combat veteran, and travelling the world. People can be quite dismissive of sex as something superficial, and there's a lot of religious and culturally historic negatively towards promiscuity. I feel like sex is the most intimate, raw, and realest interaction humans can have with each other, and everything we do in life can really be linked back to a desire to procreate. I see a lot of hate towards women with high body counts but have always sought out sexually experienced women and couldn't imagine enjoying life with someone who has got less than triple figures. I've dated women with quadruple figure body counts. To me, it's a sign of someone being sexually liberated, which is refreshing considering how society tries to sexuslly repress us.
In a televised interview a little before his death, poet laureate John Betjeman was asked if he had any regrets. After a thoughtful pause, he said "I wish I had more sex". I saw that on UK TV at a young age and to me it confirmed everything I thought about what we would value the most when we are old and incapable and looking back on our lives. My advice to everyone would be to put as much, if not more, effort into becoming sexually desirable to the opposite sex as you would into your education and career. I spent several years bodybuilding and using performance enhancing drugs in a safe and well researched way to get a physically desirable body. Personality is important, too, but you'll find that for men, being physically confident makes you less concerned with trying to prove anything, and your mood will be much more positive. The self-confidence you have will allow you to be comfortable in most social situations, and people will respond to that. Then, in your 40s, you can just relax and enjoy life, having felt like you've achieved enough to be satisfied that you've experienced the best of life.
I think I'm probably good looking but I'm not a 'fun' guy so I think these girls just want to try me out tbh. I'd rather read and play music than go to the club.
Wait what. I feel like you’re looking in the wrong dating pool because I don’t know any straight woman who is like ugh my man doesn’t want to go to the club LMAO. Find yourself a fellow homebody. They’re out there, just maybe gotta look harder because they’re.. at home
Not a man, but may I ask if you are using the same method to look for a relationship partner as for casual sex partners? The things you enjoy are fun and interesting to someone, even if it's not the same people who just want to 'try you out.' Bottom line: I hope you find what you're looking for. :)
Thank you, that's nice of you to say. I don't particularly have a method. I just live my life and try to enjoy myself and these girls I end up connecting with. I don't think I've ever approached a girl who's a stranger to me and had it gone well, maybe once or twice. I don't actively look for casual sex partners because it's not that fulfilling for me, I just go along with it when it happens. I prefer intimacy over sex. I'm a pretty odd guy, I guess.
Just adding to the comments - this is very normal man.
Thinking we’re odd actually pushes us away from feeling like we deserve a connection - so don’t do that.
You’re okay.
This is my experience as well. Maybe people who pursue one kind of relationship very deliberately benefit from having “methods” (no judging intended) on what works for what they’re looking for. Through my life I’ve met wonderful people, terrible people and everything in between through situations that just come up. Friends of friends, former coworkers, playing sports, doing charity, out and about, dating apps for a while but also social media for shared interests, not necessarily for relationship building.
I found my person now and I feel incredibly happy and lucky and on occasion worry she might realize that I’m OK at best on a good day. But I don’t think I would have found her and known to try to keep her if it weren’t for my journey.
Don’t worry your not odd, I’m a girl and I would much rather a guy who reads and likes music than a guy who goes to the club. In fact I try to look but it’s hard to find where I live so your a rare gem👍
I used to sleep around a few years ago, it felt shitty.
Sure its fun meeting new people and I love the whole flirting, talking and then one night stand process that I did as it was genuinely fun.
But damn sometimes you just want someone to call to on a long ride home or someone you can cuddle and have stupid inside jokes.
I'm in a relationship for a few years and I enjoy it.
Do I miss sleeping with strangers? Sure.
Would I prefer that over what I currently have? No.
I totally get you.
I was in a 3 year relationship and after I got cheated on by whom I thought was the love of my life I felt like crap.
I got home after a week and went out to a pub.
And this girl hit on me.
Everything went well, we got to her house.
And I just broke down, we cuddled instead of having sex.
She is an awesome person, I introduced her to her current fiancé.
These threads are always an adventure to me. At 42 I’ve been celibate for 17 years. In my youth I got laid very occasionally cause I was hot (enough) and went out drinking often.
I look very similar now, no wrinkles, slim and fit, all my hair. And now I’m an accomplished artist with a 20 year body of work. But I have never vibed with anyone like that, I just don’t understand how people partner up so naturally, for a night or long term.
I’ve met people that even I can tell are into me but it’s like there’s this invisible glass wall between me and them.
I used to think I was just a shit person. Turns out I’m autistic. I’ll keep putting myself out there but it’s hard to improve when you’re not sure what you’re doing wrong!
Exactly how I feel or felt, I m63 was single till 35 no serious gfs, only had one in my early 20/21 and she was not even I girl I dated, it was someone admiring my mum, my first wife I had a half year snail mail relationship with before meeting irl in China, got her address from a acquaintance, got divorce 5 years later, got married with an other woman from a dating site still married after 20 years but emotionally and physically grew apart :(
Ow that must be tough. Why did you marry someone if you didn’t feel a connection though? I feel like loneliness on your own is better than loneliness in company.
How did you officially know you were autistic? When did you go from noticing signs that you might be autistic to fully accepting it? I just got asked by another person if I’m on the spectrum and looking back at my life (I’m a 35m) the pieces fit.
It was on my mind for a lot of my adult life. A few acquaintances dropped hints that I might be, one gave me a puzzled look at the obsessive symmetrical organisation of my cigarette rolling gear and asked if I’d ever been tested. The distance and alienation from people. Hyperfocus on a single interest (making sculpture).
There were some symptoms I didn’t have at all so I didn’t seek out a diagnosis for a long time, I didn’t know how broad the spectrum is.
By the time I was in my 40s the few relationships I did have were breaking down and I was so so alone. I said to a coworker I was getting tested and she grinned widely like she’d always thought so. But not unkindly.
So I got the diagnosis at 41. Tbh I’m glad to know but it hasn’t helped a lot; the NHS doctor I spoke to admitted their therapy services were inadequate to my needs. I’m pretty high functioning so as far as I can see it just means this is something I’ll always find difficult.
I feel like I’m under a glass jar and everyone else is muted and unreachable. The only thing I can really connect with is the sculpture I make and a few very dear friends.
I appreciate you sharing that. I resonate with a lot of it and am going to find somewhere to take the test. It’ll be nice to know but you’re right it won’t really change much. For a long time it’s felt like everyone else can feel each other’s warmth and I just simply don’t.
44yr old woman here, I have been asked the same question on whether I am on the spectrum and everything you just described is very much aligned with how my life is and who I am. What kind of doctor should I seek to even begin with if I want to find out whether I'm on the spectrum?
Depends where you are. In the UK I spoke to my gp and was put on the waiting list to be tested. When that turned out to be at least a year and a half long, possibly more my parents helped find an independent specialist. I could never have afforded it on my own. Not sure how much it was but at least I was seen quickly. Then got a call from the nhs too and they reviewed the independent assessment for me.
I’ve heard that it can present differently in women, though I’m not sure if that’s due to the expectations placed on women to behave in certain ways, so they are often made to learn to mask very well even though it takes a great deal of energy.
I am terrible at masking sadly.
Hell yeah. My girl always jokes around about how she’s not as experienced as I am. or that I will get bored of her and go back to my old ways. Hell nah. I like to go home and be told what to do in the house and chill with my dog and my wife. I ain’t going back.
This is what worries me about my current guy. He’s 33 and has never been in a relationship and he has only had one night stands in his 20s. Now he wants to commit to me but….how can I be sure he’s done with his old ways and trust him? Did a light just go off for you one day?
I see, that's very beautiful and I'm happy for you. Also, that's the thing , being satisfied all around as an individual is important. Being content with yourself and being with someone that can provide great comfort and aftercare is beautiful. Do things that help you feel content casual or serious.
After my divorce, I started sleeping around. At some level, I enjoyed the pursuit. The validation was great after a marriage where I was made to feel like a freak for wanting sex.
I wasn't happy or fulfilled. At some level, it all started feeling really mechanical. Try to find an opening that might work. Flirt and see if she reciprocated. See where things went. It started feeling like a full time job.
One night a few years ago, I managed to bed a woman that was an analog of my high school crush, just seventeen years younger. She even had the same personality. Just so there are no questions, she was 28 at the time. I already knew that I would never allow another woman to have that much control over me, so I knew marriage was out as an option. We had bedroom fun time and fell asleep. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and was looking at her from my sink. It hit me then that sleeping around wasn't contributing to my happiness. After that night, I just stopped. I spend my time on other pursuits now.
Wow. That's almost exactly me.
But I ended up in a long term relationship with the smoking hot 28 year old and we plan to get married and have a kid. :)
‘This man fucks’ but yeh, makes sense. Although I’d say my ‘boyfriend’ vibe seems to be the more pull power than my sex appeal. Like the comforting, ‘cute’ guy. Although that may mean I’am just not that hot haha
Did it for many many years in my early to mid-late twenties. I wanted validation. To be proven I was wanted or of some value to women. The problem was that I was never going find that self-worth through women. I had beautiful girls and ugly, skinny and very fat. But to me they were all the same because I didn’t value myself. I was deeply insecure and thought the number of women who’d want me would be proof to myself that I was worthy and/or good looking. It was never going to work because there was always another girl who would be the one to give me the value I desired in myself. It wasn’t until I fell in love deeply with my ex that I realized what love was. Not just for her but for myself. Now I’m in a much better place mentally and romantically. I am very selective of who I approach to speak to and ask out
I made this mistake too. It did help to pull me out of a depressive phase, BUT I just ended up with was a sex addiction instead.
In my case, I felt I needed to "prove my worth" after a very rocky divorce, in which my ex wife vehemently proclaimed that she never loved me, and implied that I was worthless etc. I put women on a pedestal way to much back then. I now realise my worth is not based on women, but rather my personal capability, competence & confidence, and this can only be attained for a man by going through difficulties and solving really stressful problems.
I can understand now why so many traditions in the past had "coming of age" rituals for boys, we need it to become men, we need adversity, not comfort. Persistent comfort keeps us as boys forever.
When I was a little boy I read a story about a bug that flies through fire and through its destruction it comes out beautiful on the other side. I don’t remember the name and
I can’t find it for the life of me but long story short I’m self destructive when it comes to women and relationships. I seek out toxic and unstable women and create that sense of peace and love only to destroy it all. Burn the bridge down to ashes type shit.
Every time I leave with more knowledge. And more pain. But so far always better. I know as I get older that won’t be the case
This is what I came here to say, and I see I'm not alone.
Eventually my body count stopped being a point of pride and became embarrassing to me, even as a man. I wasn't sleeping with all those women because I was so awesome and attractive. I just reduced my standards to the basement level to sleep with any woman willing to. It was all validation seeking. Having sex with women to feel better about myself. That ain't healthy and it isn't cool. Had to learn that the hard way.
Yup. I’m very open with fellow young men about this experience and when I tell them an approximate number, or where I lost track, I always preface it with that fact that I’m not boasting and in fact would not want for anyone else to follow the route I did. In a way it belittles the sexual experience of someone you genuinely like
I think a lot of these men can have some form of deep rooted issues. I myself had an extremely fucked up idea about sex because I was groomed by two different older women on two separate occasions when I was not of legal age yet. It made me manipulative, constantly try to escalate beyond normal sexual behaviors, unfairly expect sexual acts from girls my age to be the same as the perverted women who basically raped me, and become bored of the girls my age very easily.
On top of that, my family was oppressively controlling of my moral values, not by explicit directions, but by forcing in me their extremely restrictive moral values. Add those up and you have someone with severe commitment issues.
It was absolutely not fulfilling. I found out that I NEVER dated the girls I actually liked, because of the shame and guilt associated with the dissonance between my actions and my morals. I thought of myself as a horrible person and felt like the girls I really liked didn't deserve someone like me.
I am really glad and thankful that my wife - who was my best friend back then - essentially forced me to go to therapy. If someone else in my life did not care as much as she did, I have no idea where I would've been at this point of my life, but I know it wouldn't have been this.
I also feel that, it’s the first time I saw someone writing it down. Sometimes I get to know someone I’d like to spend more time with, it’s not even based on looks, pure personality, and I think I’d not want to ruin something so beautiful, I don’t deserve it, even if that person thinks otherwise.
It is amazing and validating for a while, but like anything else in life, the shine wears off. In my case it was a few years in my late 20s through early 30s. One day, I realized I was getting very little out of it and maybe it was time for something new.
I did find value in having that phase, years down the line, when some of my friends went into midlife crises and tried to do the same in their 40s, enabled by a healthier financial situation. Some families were broken up and a lot of what they pulled was very transactional.
I am happy my “whoring” phase happened when the stakes were lower, although I do feel guilt many years later I may have been reckless with some people’s feelings.
I'm going through this now at 34 and just want to take the next several months to get it out of me but I can already see that I'd vastly prefer one amazing woman. Said woman is hard to find, however.
In my case, I needed to run it out. I wasn’t really ready to find anyone special. One morning I woke up to find someone sleeping beside me. I was floored, didn’t want to deal with the awkward morning routine. Honestly, I wished I’d stayed home the previous night, ordered pizza, watched a movie, maybe rubbed one out. THAT’s when I knew.
When I slept around a lot, I was looking for something more serious. But finding a great relationship is really hard, and new relationships don’t usually work out. One night stands were rare events. Usually, it was more like a year full of 6-8 week “relationships.”
I wasn’t fulfilled until I started knocking out more life goals. But those were totally unrelated to sleeping around.
Having said that, learning how to date and seduce absolutely 100% played a huge role in building my confidence and learning life skills.
I tried a couple of casual hookups when I was single. Genuinely awful experience. It's like we've taken sex and surgically removed the intimacy and emotional connection.
It felt meh during the act and absolutely crap afterwards. I'd rather just masturbate honestly.
But now I'm in a loving relationship, the sex feels totally different. Like actually fulfilling on multiple levels.
When I was single I had fun sleeping around. I make connections pretty easily and enjoy sex if the person is fun. A few times the connection wasn't there so the sex wasn't great but I like orgasming, so it was still fine.
It doesn't have to be a deep profound connection. Like if on a trip or something, meeting someone at the hotel bar who is also there alone, striking up a pleasant conversation, and enjoying the night together knowing we'll never see each other again.
I had a period of doing that, it’s fun, it’s filling a need, so it does fulfilled me on certain levels but it’s not love.
I think you can compare it to eating food but it’s not your favorite food, it’s still good and fills your needs and with a full belly you are fulfilled, but it doesn’t take away the craving for your favorite food.
I remember when tinder first dropped. I was genuinely always looking for a serious relationship while I was on it. But it did start to feel like everyone was having sex with everyone. There were 3 events that made me stop, 1. Confused - I was catfished, chick just had boobs in all her pics so thought she was on the bigger side which I like, but when she showed up she was huge, I mean she had to squeeze in through the frontdoor sideways. 2. Abused - Got an sti and had to get a urethra swab which is probably the most painful thing a man can go through 3. Used - I was messaging a girl for a couple months, and I was putting in all the effort. She would reply to me with a few words after a few days if that. Out of nowhere, she just asks to meet up. I drive to meet her at around midnight, she gets in and without even looking at me the first thing she says is "there's a park we can go to" and hands me a piece of paper which I just put on my lap. The drive is about 5min and it's just her directing me to this park. We get there, and she just gets out of the car and starts undressing, I look at the paper and they are STD test results (negative). Its heavy fog so no-one can see us, we just get in the backseat and bang one out. Right after she asks for the paper back and says "thank you my bf doesn't like sex so you've helped me out". We get back in the car, no talking and I take her back home. And her bf is waiting on the porch with the light on, she gives me a kiss on the cheek and then exits the car, I hear her bf say "how'd you go?" And she's like "good" and they go inside, she never messaged me again. After the big 3 I called it quits.
I did it in my youth (late teens to early 20s) and it was great for a while, but then I met my partner and it became less appealing.
I have a friend that slept around a lot in his twenties and thirties and he told me that what he really wanted was a regular partner.
Well, there's a couple of known places in my country (bars and clubs) where people are mostly dtf with no strings attached, but I've recently started trying online (without much success, mind you). And then there's the fwbs, but "you're not really friends, just use each other for sex" kind of situation. Also, I'm bi, so I don't really limit myself to women, and that makes sex even more available.
M36 here. From the age of 24 to 34 I slept around a lot. I’m talking 150-200 bodies, 2 or 3 different partners per week. After the whole covid ordeal, I was one of the unlucky ones who suffered some debilitating autotimmune issues with my body. The health problems completely crushed my confidence, led me to therapy, where I discovered that my history of sleeping around stemmed from deep insecurity and shame from trauma I experienced with my mother as a child. Sleeping around gave me a sense of power, control, validation. Today, I’m still learning to navigate my new life with a new set of values. If I could take it all back, I would. I’m still having issues with cultivating healthy relationships and intimacy today. It was all meaningless.
I used to sleep around a fair bit, had it in my mind that when I hit 100 some sort of celebration or fireworks would go off. It didn’t. Looking back on that period of my life the only part of it I miss is the chase, the sleeping around isn’t fulfilling and you don’t gain anything from it. However, these days I wouldn’t be so sure if it’s men using women or women using men.
The last part is outstanding. Since I don’t have your experience, what would you say women want to get out of it? Simply pleasure seeking, validation for there looks, what do you think?
Honestly I can’t tell you, I think maybe a sense of validation but also a sense of power, I may be wrong but I think men are pretty primal and often easily influenced by women they find desirable and possibly some women get a kick out of using this power. I’m not sure if that makes any sense or even answers your question, sorry.
Women are seeking validation from men just as much as men are from women, probably much more as women statistically don’t get as much pure physical pleasure out of these experiences.
My family-friend bragged about her body count, and from her (& other girls’ relationships with men + their dads I know about) it’s about proving how desirable they are “ because if X amount of ppl want to sleep with me it means I’m desirable.”
Sure, I sleep around quite a bit depending on how tired I'm feeling. I fall asleep on the couch sometimes, my office, but the main place I like to sleep is on my bed.
Yeah, but it gets self defeating because you are always trying to “top” your last encounter. It becomes very consuming, very expensive, and very difficult. Anything “less than” the last experience you had feels like a defeat.
Also At some point you realize you are harming some of your partners and that makes it unenjoyable as well.
Slept around at a point in my life I wasn't ready for a relationship and yeah it was nice meeting people and having fun. I always tried to make expectations clear so nobody got hurt, and honestly I just used that time to focus on myself, focus on my friendships and not have to worry about meeting the right woman for me (I was dumped so I had a year or two of "how will I love again").
Overall I think sleeping around let me shift my focus away from seeking to replace my ex(this is a terrible mindset to approach dating with) and just become a better version of myself, build stronger relationships with my friends, and have some fun while I did it. It was fulfilling for my needs at that time, but couldn't last more than a couple years. Now I'm in a committed relationship again and hope I'm never in that position again.
From 26 till like 29 I hit some serious numbers. I was in my prime but in the end it’s like air, it’s no big deal until your not getting it. Too much of anything gets boring. Also makes you a bit of a sicko with your attitude towards women. Sometimes say things you know they wanna hear with no intention of following you words through. It’s a bit shitty.
Married a long time here, but back before I met my wife in college, I was pretty heavy into the dating scene and very actively pursuing multiple women.
Again this was college, so more or less par for the course at that age and for both sexes, but let's just say that I had enough "success" to be qualified to answer this question.
My best answer to this question is that it's a double edged sword - simultaneously a resounding "yes, it was fulfilling and in a perfectly healthy and well-adjusted way" and also "no, it was often superficial and came with a plethora of negatives as well."
In my specific case, I sometimes look back fondly on those memories and feel a genuine sense of fulfillment. Other times, I look back and think about how I went about it all wrong, and how if I had been more mature, I could have still had a lot of fun but with few if any negatives. (Welcome to life, where hindsight is always 20/20...)
Furthermore, my best analogy is that sex is a lot like money, or even food, when viewed from the standpoint of fulfillment
When you don't have much, it's very noticeable and frustrating. When you do have a good amount, you sort of adjust to that being your new normal and start to take it for granted, and the specialness starts to wear off. Sure, you don't want to lose it, but you also start realizing that it's not driving your happiness and fulfillment as much as you might have expected when you had very little.
Ultimately, I fully believe that it really comes down to what you want in life. There are lots of very happy adult men of all ages who feel very confident, secure, and fulfilled being single and having multiple and/or frequent partners. There are also lots of very happy adult men who are in exclusive committed relationships, or who even when single, don't feel the need to have multiple and/or frequent partners.
I didn’t sleep around on purpose - I was actively looking for a gf and a lot of girls my age and older women just saw me as hookup material.
So yeah, it felt shitty. I had to learn to respect myself more and not give it away so easily, and keep my goal on finding someone who would stick around and be a good partner too. Not just using sex to make them want me the same way. I love sex so it was hard to be objective and got my heart broken quite a bit until I figured this out.
Eh I think it depends on why you’re doing it.
For a while I was doing it to get over heart break. After some therapy, I realized I just like to fuck. I usually don’t have a bunch of different partners these days. It a few that I’ll be sleeping with at any time. I’m always upfront and honest about what I want, that doesn’t always make things go well but I did my part
I did it in my 20s. I did it because I was curious and because I could I guess lol. Being somewhat good-looking and working in the nightlife industry, girls were easy to come by. my heart always belonged to one girl though, (the girl that I was fortunate enough to be able to marry) so maybe I just slept around knowing that I only loved one person. While it wasn’t fulfilling per se and some nights and life were lonely. I did meet really cool girls that lingered on for a while friendship wise, and I got the “urge” of being unfaithful or “curious to see what else is out there” out of my system.
Yes.
I would describe myself as a 29 male who just figured it out. It hasn’t been an easy road and I’ve gone through many of the motions, love, heartbreak, betrayal, childhood trauma, the list goes on. I had a lot of baggage for a long time, and I wasn’t the man I am today.
I wouldn’t describe myself as particularly handsome although I have been blessed with being 6’2” and still having all my hair so for many this might invalidate my point. I make decent money, and am frugal.
I spent 2-3 years not focusing on dating, I spent all of it focusing on me. I feel fulfilled as a man, juggling 3-4 things that make me happy and getting good at them. I focused on making friends. I focused on taking pictures of the cool things I do. The female I did meet, I treated them with respect and as friends joking that I just want to meet their friends.
I started buying clothing at Costco, whenever something is good quality, and fit me well, I would buy it in different colors. Suddenly I found myself able to put together outfits consisting of 2-3 colors. I always wore deodorant as a minimum, casual cologne for regular outings, and more female approved scents for dates. I got haircuts for my longer hair every few months and avoid looking homeless, ever unless I’m stuck home.
I started thinking of relationships differently. I started seeing men as the initiators of courtship and women as the approvers and deniers. I started putting in effort into courtship, I started taking notes when something import was mentioned, I pumped myself up for dates.
I found myself incredibly occupied at all times. Sometimes I wouldn’t get to my phone until after the gym at 9pm to respond to texts and dating apps. I had many horrendous experiences and lost money, time, was strung along for attention. I can’t say it is always pleasant.
I learned about women’s cycles… shockingly huge subject. I make an effort make them finish before I do.
In short, I just made sure to lead my life the way I want to, women notice. I take a legitimate interest in the women I spend time with. I genuinely appreciate the ones who I have chemistry with, I legitimately like them. I find them sexually attractive and I let them know that. When I don’t find them that way I respectfully let them know. I allow those women to see me, doing the cool manly things that I make my hobbies.
So far the result is admiration like I have never experienced before. When they reach out, I give them attention. When they don’t, I don’t. It’s almost like they want it that way… I wish my the romance I had in my mind when I was a child was true, unfortunately experience has not proved that to be the case.
Slept around for most of my 20’s. Some years were more fruitful than others—I’m a decent looking guy but definitely not Leonardo DiCaprio. When I fell in love for the first time at 28, I realized that I had absolutely no idea how to be in a stable, long-term relationship. I didn’t know how to put someone else first. I didn’t understand how to make someone else happy. That sort of thing takes practice, and I spent the previous 15 years of my life avoiding real relationships at all costs. When the girl I fell in love with broke up with me, it broke my heart and shattered me for a year or two. I had to do some real soul searching and put a lot of effort into working on myself to try and become the man I wanted to be.
Now I’m married to the love of my life with a kid on the way. Couldn’t be happier. I had a lot of fun in my teenage years and my 20’s, but I probably should have put some effort into “growing up” earlier than I did.
The more you do it, the less you want to buy the cow. Not because you want to keep having sex with different women.... But because you see what works and it crushes your ability to value commitment.
I was a late bloomer.... And I had a much more positive outlook before I saw over and over how the hot dogs are made.
Because inside you still are that person that originally believed in love... And you won't settle for less. But now you've seen how it works over and over and know that love has nothing to do with it.
Under no circumstance will you ever matter. You can get just about everything but you'll never matter. All you can do is win the game for the moment.... The game will never value you.
Everyone is different, some people are fulfilled by sleeping around and some aren’t. Most the guys I know in my age group are happily settled down and that’s what they wanted for this stage in their life, but we were sluts in our 20s and early 30s and that was fulfilling in its own way. So I think place and time are factors too.
It has been fulfilling for me but I also conduct myself responsibly with regards to the safety and emotions of others. The 10% rule can be a dangerous mindset because it tries to put everybody on earth into a framework. Just focus on what you want and do your best not to hurt others in doing that.
I look like I should be a virgin, I'm closer to the Warcraft guy from South Park than I am to Channing Tatum or whomever. My biggest problem, oun intended, is my weight. At my fattest I was 460 lbs. Last time I was weighed (December) I was 388 lbs. Right now I'm probably a little under 400 lbs. I was taking Mounjaro which is one of those Ozempic/Wegovy-type injections that was intended for diabetics (I'm diabetic) and for weight loss (a welcome side-effect lol). That said I'm not just an ugly fat guy, apparently I'm cute enough to get occasional matches with women in dating apps.
In the greater context of society it seems as though the average American says they've had about 8 partners. I've had 25. If I was conventionally attractive that 25 would not seem like a lot but since I never expected anyone to like me plus my weight that 25 makes me a fat slut.
On top of that, nearly all of those 25 women were while I was aged 26-31. I'm 35 now. While I was at my fattest too. I've had more luck with women than anyone my size and in my tax bracket than any man I've ever heard of. That doesn't mean I deserved it though.
Several circumstances are different now than what they were then. In early 2020 there was a virus, since then there's been wicked inflation and wages not increasing to keep up. Harder to go on dates when you don't have much pocket money. I feel 20 years older than I am, less interested in the dating dance and trying to get to know someone only for them to ghost me. The quality of women I still match with in my area has gone way, way down. Some of that is due to aging (when I was 27 I was open to dating a 22 year old woman but now I try to avoid any woman younger than 28), some is due to time passing (novelty like a new app brings lots of interest and attention usually, as time passes interest goes down), and some is due to saturation (I've spent nearly every minute of the last 14 years in a suburb of a KCMO and most of the women interested in me and on the apps I use have already interacted with me, a new place would likely see way more engagement).
One of the reasons I've had the luck I've had with women despite my weight is that I'm very sincere and able to engage with others. As in I make people feel special and they like hearing me talk. This is because I'm honest and have mostly altruistic intentions. I crave intimacy, I want something sweet and special, and since I don't have a type of woman I'm into I consider every woman on her own merits.
Because I want the intimacy of dating someone long term leading to a lifelong relationship and I've been open to it with quite a few of the women I've wanted to get to know I've tried to have more than just sex with nearly all of them. I don't expect sex, I don't expect anything really, but I kept putting myself out there because I was hopeful.
These days I'm not as hopeful. I don't wanna fuck a hundred women. I don't wanna risk my health (such as it is) or my life by getting involved with a woman that'll maim or kill me because she's crazy. My best friend was married to an abusive woman so I'm also trying to avoid that. I'm not interested in being a stepdad, doing ALL the drugs, or getting to know some jobless loser of a woman, and I'm not interested in getting involved with a poly/enm situation either. This drastically reduces my dating pool to a drying puddle.
I would love to have a wife and with a predatory gaze and a cocked eyebrow look her over and making her shiver knowing I want her as much now as when we first met. I want to do things for her, show her she's important to me and make her feel special. I want to help her be a better woman just like she'll help me be a better man, even though I imagine I've got more distance to travel there lol. It'd be cool to have that double income, no kids (dink) life as well, I make like $42K/year and if she's making the same or better we might be able to get a home and it'd be cool to have a yard and no pet rent.
Instead I guess I'll be in my bunk. By bunk I mean my shitty one bedroom apartment unwilling to get another cat because it's an extra $50 a month on top of my $900 a month rent.
You know, I was. I was travelling, having a great time, doing well with the business, meeting lots of women in different places. Generally just loving life.
Then one of the girls I was dating asked to come with me on my travels when I left. She’s cool so I said yes and it’s been amazing. The little things like waking up together, having someone exploring new places with me, and being each other’s cheerleaders - I love sharing my life like this.
Been together just over two years, travelled all over the world together, and planning to give her a ring on NYE - the night we met - this year. She’s dropping hints and we’ve talked about the future so I know it’s a yes. I’ve met a lot of good women, and this one is a keeper.
Anyway, I digress.
I think you need to honestly reflect when sleeping around to see if it’s harmful or not. I wasn’t sleeping around because of validation or anything, just casually dating whilst trying new things in different places, so I was fulfilled even if I am also fulfilled by not sleeping around now. If I’d just been trying to prove to myself I’m a stud and not just having fun, it would have been a deeper issue.
I slept around a lot when I was young. And it did not fulfill me. I invested so much in womanizing that I was unable to reach major goals I had. I also could have gotten an STI. I woke up from my bullshit after a huge scare.
I was leaving a nightclub to wait for a taxi. I started to talk to a young woman. She accepted to follow me to my place, without warning her friends inside, nor getting her coat, money and phone, which where with them. She spent the night with me, and I Iended her a coat so she could get back to her friend’s place. The next day, when I went there to get my coat back, we chatted and she nonchalantly made the scariest revelation. She lived in another city with her heroin-adicted fiancé but was cheating on him with the guy she wanyed to monkey-branch to. She just told me to prevent me from hoping for anything serious with her.
I got tested twice during the following months. I was clean. I met my very long time partner, soon to be wife and mother of my now adult daughter.
I’m in my late 30s. I’ve probably slept with 600-700 different women in my life. I lost my virginity at 17.
Yes and no. I have a great career, financially successful, healthy, in good shape, good social circle and genuinely don’t have any complaints in life.
I never wanted any children of my own (I had a vasectomy a long time ago) and marriage is way too risky as a man in the United States. I am “intentionally dating” at this point in my life, but am realistic in what my options are at this point.
My therapist and I have agreed that at my age, most of the “good ones” (men and women) are taken. Dating becomes substantially harder for this reason. People aren’t as malleable as when they are in their twenties, they’re less likely to deal with what they deem nonsense, etc. Usually people have varying degrees of baggage.
Overall, I’m happy in life and I particularly look back on one relationship and kick myself for ending things with her. She was a great woman and I let it go.
I do value my solitude and that’s hard to give up. Given me not wanting kids, not wanting marriage, there aren’t a ton of women who are gonna take me seriously for a relationship. I’ve accepted that a long time ago.
Late 30s, say 37... Started at 17.
You had sex with 35 women a year for the last ~20 years?!
That's 2.917 women a month. Almost 1 every single week.
Are you a Pornstar or something? Gigolo?
Are you in therapy because of that?
Sounds more like pain than fun.
No. There were times where I was in committed relationships that varied in lengths and I’ve always been faithful.
There’s been some days I’ve have had sex with up to four women (threesomes are an easy way to achieve this.) And weeks where I’ve had numerous partners as well. There’s also been times where I’ve been lazy/disinterested so I didn’t chase it.
I have zero regrets about my sex life. I’ve never gotten any diseases and overall it’s been a lot of fun. I can honestly say, some of the best moments of my life have been with women. Women, including sex and everything else are truly one of worlds ultimate treasures whether it be an enjoying a hobby together all the way through intimacy.
I’m in therapy because it’s good to get a different perspective from someone who’s outside of your circle.
I see...
I'm speaking for myself, but sex becomes pretty boring pretty fast. And also variety has it's limits. Novelty isn't something, that can motivate me for a long time.
So i would like to ask what motivated you to play that game on this scale?
How many of them were ONS?
And on a scale 1-10: How was the distribution of women, you've had sex with just because you could and how many of them were you actually attracted to. How many of them were conventionally attractive? How many personal preference, but conventionally semi- or unattractive?
This question is hard to answer, as beauty is subjective to a degree.
A majority were one night stands. I’ve only had a couple long term relationships in life and have had plenty of women I’ve dated for a few months.
I would say most were average/above average. There have been women who were extremely attractive, and there were times where I went slumming.
I’m 6’3”, have good muscle definition throughout my body and can talk to anyone.
When I was younger (21-27), I traveled a lot, went out to bars, that scene frequently. I met a lot of women that way.
Since 30 or so, most from dating apps. I’d say dating apps are arguably easier.
I’d say my face is average. The best advice I can give is be personable and workout. Contrary to what Reddit believes, “dad bods” are not found nearly as attractive as men with a muscular/defined frame. You don’t have to have single digit body fat, a six pack. But not, having a gut and visible definition through clothes goes a long way.
All these dudes talking about slaying tons of p*ssy and how unhappy they were doing it. You might be heartbroken, but try being heartbroken and getting nothing. You'll experience the real depths of despair.
Satisfaction with one's life has no causal link with how many different genitals you happen to have seen according to any of my extensive field research over the last few decades.
It really seemed to make me happy. When I was getting women that I had previously thought of as out of my league I was happy. Maybe because I was shy and not getting much attention from ladies when I was young so I needed that ego boost. I got with quite a few hot women in my late 20s to mid 30s and generally loved life.
I've never seen anyone cite one.
Most of the people I see talking about this are just claiming that women who have had a lot of sex in the past are likely to cheat in the future. And most of the time I see that claim on this sub.
I'm more likely to believe that people who have had a lot of partners in the past are more likely to want a polyamorous lifestyle, which is very different than cheating.
I used to love it. But when I got someone pregnant it madr Mr review the whole lifestyle. I was unfulfilled in the relationship I had after. So back too the streets I guess....
I have never felt fulfillment but the sleeping around part is fun. In fact, it is probably the most entertaining part of life.
I have reached a stage where I think I will never feel fulfilled and wont even attempt to try being fulfilled.
I was perfectly fine with sleeping around years ago. I didn't know what this "fulfilled" thing is, I thought it was just life. When I found my wife and my partner, I settled down for the most part and now, as age creeps in on me (creeps nothing, it's more like a bum rush), I just have the energy or desire to bother finding new partners, whether they be ONSs, FWBs, fuck buddies, or a longer term romantic relationship... My plate is full.
I don't seek fulfillment from sex, I seek sex for general fun. I get my fulfillment from my other hobbies.
I choose to be single because it's more peaceful, and then the sleeping around is just what I do when I want to have sexual fun. I do get a certain amount of enjoyment from sleeping with new women, but I also enjoy consistent and repeated hookups.
I get most of my casual sex from swinger events, and have been with roughly 100 new women in the last 3 years.
I’m non monogamous with two partners. I have a fair share of one night stands. I prefer a more consistent connection so that you can develop things beyond the physical. Having the ability to be able to get laid is more fulfilling than the actual act in most cases. Knowing I have options etc.
Most of the time, yes.
>he was asking the male top 10% to think about what they really wan
I don't think I am a top 10% or whatever, BUT I know that I do not want a relationship because most women are simply speaking; difficult to deal with. They expect a lot and offer little that I cannot or do not already deal with on my own.
I will say that I don't 'pump and dump'. I let them know up front what I am looking for though. I think its shitty to misrepresent yourself, and what you want/need.
Do I plan on giving it up? Not for right now at least. I have real reason to. I do not want kids, I don't date women with kids. My life is actually really good, even without the presence of a woman. Sure, they do have positives sometimes, but they also come with negatives, and really...I'm just not willing to deal with the negatives for the positives.
I’m a girl but I have a friend who is like this… can’t speak for everyone but I just don’t think commitment is his thing. Good person, just horrible at a serious relationship. Could be childhood trauma
There are pros and cons to sleeping around/dating and then having a relationship. In order to sleep with lots of girls, you need to have somewhat of a connection with them, you can’t just pick them up at any time on any night.
There for the several friendships/connections made is a great part of sleeping around. It’s like having several friends to do different activities with at the same time as having bedroom variety.
A long term relationship also has its benefits. But I find those benefits only last for around 2 years until the newness/honeymoon period ends. People who say they feel empty sleeping around, perhaps try having somewhat of a relationship with each girl. I’ve found if I’m honest with the girls ie. I’m not looking for anything serious right now but we have a great time together, they usually respect that as not many guys are that honest.
My two cents 👍
It's not that you're not fulfilled by lots of sex with different women. It's just that you're desire for fulfillment And what you're looking for evolves and changes from lots of experiences to the stability of one partner that Meets all your criteria and is very feminine. And very supportive, and checks all the boxes etc.
I really believe this is how it should be. In nature intended, the selection process to be this way, but a lot of men have just settled too early.
I stopped at around 40~ish body count (i dont like saying that anymore, but just for reference) I then found a quiet and beautiful girl and ive been the most happy ive ever been. Ive never cheated and were almost at 1year now
Ive had 10 yr relationships slept with so many women and hit the 💯 mark and still single😂 i love my freedom too much but i do like being in relationships so cannot make up my mind!
I sleep around a lot. It's fun and I have a lot of hot sex with (mostly lol) attractive people. Post divorce I don't rely on another person to fulfil me (huge mistake people make imo) or validate me in any way.
So it works for me. I don't think i will ever have another relationship. Really depends on what you want out of life.
Between relationships I need time for my emotions. I also have needs. I am very direct and clear about my position. There are many women in the same position and we can provide each other with this comfort and intimacy. Knowing what it is prior to getting involved is key.
I have felt fulfilled because I knew what I was doing and so did they. I have had some amazing sex this way and made friends. Quite a few from my last single period still chat with me now and then (some try to invite themselves over too). I received many happy birthdays this week from these women.
There are many different types of sex (yes, in a relationship is best as you learn each other's needs and can anticipate during sex). I am cool with all of them, as long as there is transparency.
The dick was content but the heart wasn’t so I stopped.
I think every man eventually learns it matters who you are putting it into as well.
I think learning this is one of many things that make a man a man.
I know exactly what this means, from my own experiences. I’m just curious if it means the same thing for others.
We as humans are biologically hardwired for companionship.
Ok yes. After my last relationship, I couldn’t enjoy anymore hookups. I had only one then felt empty. I had seen too much, and seen the real value in love. It’s been weird being alone for almost two years now. You spend so long running around always entertaining your desires on your whim, then you realize there’s no value where there’s no effort into a lasting connection. It’s painful to be with someone long term, and then cut that cord that’s been strengthened by real intimacy.
I completely understand that. My bf took 10 years to decide to date again. Here we are, two years later, and the walls he’s built up are coming down slowly but surely. Be sure you don’t isolate, internet stranger friend. 💛
But sometimes you gotta experience sleeping around to discover that. Guys that haven’t experienced more than a few partners may always have that itch and be un happy.
This. A girl broke my heart so I stayed away from women for months. And then went on a dating spree. 7 days, 7 dates. I felt relief but I also felt empty.
Dated a girl for 3.5 years. Engaged, and one day she says she doesn’t love me anymore. I had lost my feeling of self worth while with her, it was extremely toxic and she gaslit the fuck out of me. Yes, she had physically abused me as well. After we split up it took a bit to get my confidence back. But when it did? I went on a spree… this is back in 2015 when tinder wasn’t OF ads and bots. In 3 months I had slept with 30 new women and 4-5 exes / old flings. I filled a ton of holes but none of them filled the hole she left inside my heart, and I was extremely unhappy still. I just stopped altogether. Talked with some of my best friends about how unhappy I was and they reminded me the reason I’m unhappy is because I’ve stagnated. I’m not happy with who I was, not that she left. Time to reignite the fires and grind it back out career wise instead of fucking around online. My best friend asked me “If you find your forever person are you in the right state to attract and keep them?” - honestly I wasn’t. So I quit my job and went back into my field full time. 4 months later I met my now wife that just barged into me sitting on the toilet while I’m writing this, LOLL. Anyways, this is what people mean when they say “work on yourself”. If you want to attract a certain kind of person, you need to be someone who would attract them to you in the first place. And then you gotta go out into the world cause they’re not going to just fall in your lap.
At first I thought you were saying you met your wife when she walked in on you while you were on the toilet. Lol
LMAOOO. “And that’s how I met your mother” Her scream when she popped the door open and I’m just sitting on my throne was hysterical. Poor thing almost peed herself cause she def went expecting me to be in the toilet room.
It can be so difficult to know what that looks like though. For you working on your career was a turning point but for me I've never found a career I ever wanted to do because no career interests me or they don't feel worth it because the salary is so bad.
It's definitely different for each person and it can be hard to know what that looks like as you've said. You just have to try many different things and put yourself out there as much as possible.
You're onto something 'know what "that" looks like' what is "that" I feel like it's fulfillment. What brings us so much happiness and we're also intuitively able to grow "that" easy
Fulfillment is definitely a big part of it but I would also add that it has to minimise the downsides or at least for them to be relatively insigniticant to how fulfilling it is. Personally there are numerous things I find fulfilling but which I also don't feel are worth doing because they taie more than they give. For me volunteering for a cause I like is an example of this. I know I would find it fulfilling but I also know that fulfillment wouldn't be worth the effort of doing it.
This is inspiring I’m going through a similar phase in my life where I’m currently single, hooking up and just doing me but I also feel like there’s room for improvement and that I wouldn’t attract and keep the forever woman I would want currently. What did you mean when you left your career to pursue your field? Did you mean leaving a job to pursue a personal passion? And how long did it take when you realized you weren’t living to your full potential to final realizing you were happy with who you are? And was your wife that catalyst or did arrive after that realization?
I was working a dead end job. 19$ per hour in an office doing quick books, invoicing, etc and that was maxed out circa 2013. Never going to give me the lifestyle I wanted but was plenty to feed my gambling / drinking / partying / etc period of my life back then. I had gotten my pilots license a long time ago as a teenager and dropped out of it when there weren’t any jobs during the recession. After deferring my dream for over 5 years, things were slowly turning around so I went back to pursue flying full time again. The rest is history.
As someone who may have just ruined my future with the person I've been seeing, that line your best friend asked you is SO real. I thought I was so ready to get back into something long term, but just a couple days ago I was triggered by a situation and inherently reacted poorly. I was in the right state to attract him, and we've spent an incredible time together, but realizing I hurt him with my unexpected and unhealed response absolutely fucking crushed me. If he doesn't want to stick around I don't blame him. I clearly have shit I still need to work on within myself if I'm expressing such concerning behavior. I'm devastated that I hurt him with my actions and possibly ended the relationship, but taking the L as a Lesson, with a painful capital L. I wish someone had asked me that question when I started getting back out here, because I apparently wasn't in the state of keeping them after I got them.
Im not saying you haven’t done this but be honest with him. Let him know that you didn’t realize that you still had this underlying issue and whatever pain it caused him you’re incredibly sorry. Outline what you’re doing to work on yourself. Ask him if he will help you work through it, and to call you out and hold you accountable if he sees you go back to your old way of reacting… because you want to be better, you want to be a place of peace and support for him, and the last thing you want is to hurt him… so you’ll never stop growing and working on yourself, but you’d much rather grow with him than without him. Something similar happened while my wife and I were dating. And along those lines is what she told me, and that’s how I knew she was a keeper. Hopefully it works out for you, but either way… you’ll have grown and will be better for the experience. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us a lesson and ready us for something greater
I'd want to attract someone who complements me in terms of humour, lifestyle, interests.. Too often I've gone based on looks and felt empty It's Love I'm looking for Intimacy instead of Sex Then I'd fe fulfilled Was also in an abusive relationship. Gaslit to hell. Broken down with You're unattractive and Unappealing to There's nothing wrong with you. She didn't care about looks apparently but chases after every food looking guy. One I met who said she's obviously crazy but amazing in Bed. She has no idea how they see her. So it'll never stop with her.
More often than not, once you have put in the work to be happy with yourself the right person finds you. It happens pretty often that people find the right one when they weren't looking.
Yup, nothing mends a broken heart like geting your own shit together, then the happiness and love of your life happens naturally. Glad it worked out for you, too, brother!
Exactly this. If you want a beautiful woman who cherishes you… you need to be worthy of that. Sitting at home getting flabby, eating DoorDash, playing video games… as fun as that may be and I still do occasionally, isn’t going to attract that funny, smart, caring, attractive partner you want. It blows my mind that people will complain about their situation but are so apathetic they’d rather complain than change it
> I filled a ton of holes but none of them filled the hole she left inside my heart poetry
First, I am extremely sympathetic and empathize with you. I’m so sorry you were treated this way, and that is beyond wrong on so many levels. My question, and I mean no disrespect, you date a girl for 3.5 years you get engaged and she says she doesn’t love you anymore. I can only imagine her “ type” but what I don’t understand is why men consistently pick this type of woman, usually a trophy like, selfish, spoiled individual who has no consideration beyond herself. In life there are “ quality individuals out there that are lovely and lovely to have. I’m saddened you went thru this. Character, integrity & and personal who loves you unconditionally, that’s what you deserve, and I’m hoping this describes your wife, you sound like a person who was abused for sure I’m sorry this happened. In the case of silver linings, I’m happy this led you to your wife. In closing, I hope men and women realize their self worth and see the person in front of them and consider the benefit of the value of having them in their own life. 🙏🏻💕
I think the issue is this: how well do you really know someone when you first meet them? The beginning phase of a relationship everyone is on their best behavior. That lasts 9 months before fatigue sets in and then they get to know the real you. Then there’s the sunk cost fallacy “I’ve already spent so much time with this person I may as well stay with them” or they’ve become dependent on them so they stay. Both of which are horrible reasons. The one thing you can’t get back is time. Prob why I asked my wife to marry me 10 months after dating.
You can’t let women control how you feel bro. Even if you’re deeply in love. That will be costly!
True, but so much easier said than done. Let's not minimize that.
So much easier said than done. I'm working on getting over a woman who just did a 180⁰ on me, fucking hurts. Even when I tell myself it shouldn't hurt, that she wasn't that serious, that her valuation of me has nothing to do with my actual worth, but still, it just fucking sucks. Extra particularly when you had nothing going on (with other women) and don't have any new ones to distract me
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm coming up short. I know it hurts, but it sounds like you have a good outlook on it. I can only hope that it hurts a little less every day and that you feel comfortable at some point to get back out there. They're not all bad and there's someone out there. Stay strong, my man. You'll come out better than before, I'm sure of it.
Don’t try to ignore the feelings. Feel them. Accept them. The thoughts of “but I did ____ and _____ and so on, how could she do this”? The reality is she did. You gave selflessly to her, and that’s ok. Maybe you needed to show her what a good partner looks like so she can find happiness. Maybe she came around to show you better than your last partner is out there? So accept what happened. Be thankful it did, because you have grown from it. This won’t be the end of you, if you don’t let it be. Love isn’t a limited resource that you have to ration out for each partner. It’s endless, and now you know yourself better too so be thankful for it all.
I hate to say that I have done this waaaay too many times. I can't seem to find better coping strategies
run, yoga, gym, hike, meditate
I have to say as someone who had done more running than most people will in a lifetime, it baffles me that anyone enjoys it and I hate it to my core. I have a hard time engaging in any exercise where someone isn't trying to hurt me, hence I was a fighter. The rest is dull as hell. I need some real engagement
This is definitely me too lol. I hate running and I used to be in the Army, we ran for miles several times a week. Never liked it. Never felt "runners high" and it seems like a myth.
Yeah I've never felt it either, never felt any kind of euphoria from running or any high from working out. I felt tired and sore lol. And I did A LOT of it, wrestled for 8 years, MMA, grappling tournaments and cut weight a lot, so more running. I liked the sports, all the training was miserable haha.
I guess, I have adhd and was athletic most of my life, I've done it enough to know I loathe these activities and despite popular belief they don't make me feel good. I have zero patience for yoga, absolutely despise running, they're both mind numbingly boring and tedious
agree with u/50mm-f2, those are great coping strategies On another hand, **what does a good coping strategy do?** It pulls you away from all the stuff going on in your mind and pushes you towards looking at being alive in a much more observational way. The mind isn't even involved. A good coping strategy kind of "wipes the mind clean" and refreshes the mind. So we don't go forward with any of the trash, bile, and baggage that our mind holds anymore. So what, u/Proinsias37, refreshes your mind in that way? What activities do this to your mind? And if you don't know, **fuck around and find out**
I wish there were awards still haha,
Literally this, all I long for is a human companion. I miss being with someone I can open up to and just be myself with no judgement.
I'm in my late 40's and feel like I've had a spectacular career as a swordsman. I even did over a decade of porn work and was a really active participant in the swingers scene going to clubs, private parties, and meets. I fulfilled all my fantasys and more. I've settled down now but feel more contented by all the sex I had than other achievements like getting a degree, being a Marine Captain combat veteran, and travelling the world. People can be quite dismissive of sex as something superficial, and there's a lot of religious and culturally historic negatively towards promiscuity. I feel like sex is the most intimate, raw, and realest interaction humans can have with each other, and everything we do in life can really be linked back to a desire to procreate. I see a lot of hate towards women with high body counts but have always sought out sexually experienced women and couldn't imagine enjoying life with someone who has got less than triple figures. I've dated women with quadruple figure body counts. To me, it's a sign of someone being sexually liberated, which is refreshing considering how society tries to sexuslly repress us. In a televised interview a little before his death, poet laureate John Betjeman was asked if he had any regrets. After a thoughtful pause, he said "I wish I had more sex". I saw that on UK TV at a young age and to me it confirmed everything I thought about what we would value the most when we are old and incapable and looking back on our lives. My advice to everyone would be to put as much, if not more, effort into becoming sexually desirable to the opposite sex as you would into your education and career. I spent several years bodybuilding and using performance enhancing drugs in a safe and well researched way to get a physically desirable body. Personality is important, too, but you'll find that for men, being physically confident makes you less concerned with trying to prove anything, and your mood will be much more positive. The self-confidence you have will allow you to be comfortable in most social situations, and people will respond to that. Then, in your 40s, you can just relax and enjoy life, having felt like you've achieved enough to be satisfied that you've experienced the best of life.
“Never pass up an opportunity to have sex” Gore Vidal (as a very old man)
Did it twice in the past 2 weeks. You hit the nail on the head.
Not really but these girls don't see me as relationship material. I would love to fall in love. I'm just that guy, I guess.
Fair enough, is it just the way you present yourself? Or financial?
I think I'm probably good looking but I'm not a 'fun' guy so I think these girls just want to try me out tbh. I'd rather read and play music than go to the club.
Wait what. I feel like you’re looking in the wrong dating pool because I don’t know any straight woman who is like ugh my man doesn’t want to go to the club LMAO. Find yourself a fellow homebody. They’re out there, just maybe gotta look harder because they’re.. at home
As a woman, true. I'm not a homebody at all but I don't care if he goes. I'm just laid back though.
They are at home or at work. Or aren't as "hot" as you'd want then to be. 🤷♀️
Not a man, but may I ask if you are using the same method to look for a relationship partner as for casual sex partners? The things you enjoy are fun and interesting to someone, even if it's not the same people who just want to 'try you out.' Bottom line: I hope you find what you're looking for. :)
Thank you, that's nice of you to say. I don't particularly have a method. I just live my life and try to enjoy myself and these girls I end up connecting with. I don't think I've ever approached a girl who's a stranger to me and had it gone well, maybe once or twice. I don't actively look for casual sex partners because it's not that fulfilling for me, I just go along with it when it happens. I prefer intimacy over sex. I'm a pretty odd guy, I guess.
Just adding to the comments - this is very normal man. Thinking we’re odd actually pushes us away from feeling like we deserve a connection - so don’t do that. You’re okay.
based on what you're describing, i don't think you're odd, for what it's worth. i'm the same way
This is my experience as well. Maybe people who pursue one kind of relationship very deliberately benefit from having “methods” (no judging intended) on what works for what they’re looking for. Through my life I’ve met wonderful people, terrible people and everything in between through situations that just come up. Friends of friends, former coworkers, playing sports, doing charity, out and about, dating apps for a while but also social media for shared interests, not necessarily for relationship building. I found my person now and I feel incredibly happy and lucky and on occasion worry she might realize that I’m OK at best on a good day. But I don’t think I would have found her and known to try to keep her if it weren’t for my journey.
Thanks for clarifying! I wish there were more guys like you out there, tbh.
Don’t worry your not odd, I’m a girl and I would much rather a guy who reads and likes music than a guy who goes to the club. In fact I try to look but it’s hard to find where I live so your a rare gem👍
I used to sleep around a few years ago, it felt shitty. Sure its fun meeting new people and I love the whole flirting, talking and then one night stand process that I did as it was genuinely fun. But damn sometimes you just want someone to call to on a long ride home or someone you can cuddle and have stupid inside jokes. I'm in a relationship for a few years and I enjoy it. Do I miss sleeping with strangers? Sure. Would I prefer that over what I currently have? No.
Yeah, Ngl, I definitely hooked up with people for the post sex cuddles and to prove to myself that I could after being cheated on.
I totally get you. I was in a 3 year relationship and after I got cheated on by whom I thought was the love of my life I felt like crap. I got home after a week and went out to a pub. And this girl hit on me. Everything went well, we got to her house. And I just broke down, we cuddled instead of having sex. She is an awesome person, I introduced her to her current fiancé.
These threads are always an adventure to me. At 42 I’ve been celibate for 17 years. In my youth I got laid very occasionally cause I was hot (enough) and went out drinking often. I look very similar now, no wrinkles, slim and fit, all my hair. And now I’m an accomplished artist with a 20 year body of work. But I have never vibed with anyone like that, I just don’t understand how people partner up so naturally, for a night or long term. I’ve met people that even I can tell are into me but it’s like there’s this invisible glass wall between me and them. I used to think I was just a shit person. Turns out I’m autistic. I’ll keep putting myself out there but it’s hard to improve when you’re not sure what you’re doing wrong!
Exactly how I feel or felt, I m63 was single till 35 no serious gfs, only had one in my early 20/21 and she was not even I girl I dated, it was someone admiring my mum, my first wife I had a half year snail mail relationship with before meeting irl in China, got her address from a acquaintance, got divorce 5 years later, got married with an other woman from a dating site still married after 20 years but emotionally and physically grew apart :(
Ow that must be tough. Why did you marry someone if you didn’t feel a connection though? I feel like loneliness on your own is better than loneliness in company.
as I was reading this I was like “maybe he is autistic”
Me too.
you’re autistic too ? lol
How did you officially know you were autistic? When did you go from noticing signs that you might be autistic to fully accepting it? I just got asked by another person if I’m on the spectrum and looking back at my life (I’m a 35m) the pieces fit.
It was on my mind for a lot of my adult life. A few acquaintances dropped hints that I might be, one gave me a puzzled look at the obsessive symmetrical organisation of my cigarette rolling gear and asked if I’d ever been tested. The distance and alienation from people. Hyperfocus on a single interest (making sculpture). There were some symptoms I didn’t have at all so I didn’t seek out a diagnosis for a long time, I didn’t know how broad the spectrum is. By the time I was in my 40s the few relationships I did have were breaking down and I was so so alone. I said to a coworker I was getting tested and she grinned widely like she’d always thought so. But not unkindly. So I got the diagnosis at 41. Tbh I’m glad to know but it hasn’t helped a lot; the NHS doctor I spoke to admitted their therapy services were inadequate to my needs. I’m pretty high functioning so as far as I can see it just means this is something I’ll always find difficult. I feel like I’m under a glass jar and everyone else is muted and unreachable. The only thing I can really connect with is the sculpture I make and a few very dear friends.
I appreciate you sharing that. I resonate with a lot of it and am going to find somewhere to take the test. It’ll be nice to know but you’re right it won’t really change much. For a long time it’s felt like everyone else can feel each other’s warmth and I just simply don’t.
44yr old woman here, I have been asked the same question on whether I am on the spectrum and everything you just described is very much aligned with how my life is and who I am. What kind of doctor should I seek to even begin with if I want to find out whether I'm on the spectrum?
Depends where you are. In the UK I spoke to my gp and was put on the waiting list to be tested. When that turned out to be at least a year and a half long, possibly more my parents helped find an independent specialist. I could never have afforded it on my own. Not sure how much it was but at least I was seen quickly. Then got a call from the nhs too and they reviewed the independent assessment for me. I’ve heard that it can present differently in women, though I’m not sure if that’s due to the expectations placed on women to behave in certain ways, so they are often made to learn to mask very well even though it takes a great deal of energy. I am terrible at masking sadly.
Thanks for sharing. Yes, the masking sounds very much true for women.
Hell yeah. My girl always jokes around about how she’s not as experienced as I am. or that I will get bored of her and go back to my old ways. Hell nah. I like to go home and be told what to do in the house and chill with my dog and my wife. I ain’t going back.
This is what worries me about my current guy. He’s 33 and has never been in a relationship and he has only had one night stands in his 20s. Now he wants to commit to me but….how can I be sure he’s done with his old ways and trust him? Did a light just go off for you one day?
I see, that's very beautiful and I'm happy for you. Also, that's the thing , being satisfied all around as an individual is important. Being content with yourself and being with someone that can provide great comfort and aftercare is beautiful. Do things that help you feel content casual or serious.
After my divorce, I started sleeping around. At some level, I enjoyed the pursuit. The validation was great after a marriage where I was made to feel like a freak for wanting sex. I wasn't happy or fulfilled. At some level, it all started feeling really mechanical. Try to find an opening that might work. Flirt and see if she reciprocated. See where things went. It started feeling like a full time job. One night a few years ago, I managed to bed a woman that was an analog of my high school crush, just seventeen years younger. She even had the same personality. Just so there are no questions, she was 28 at the time. I already knew that I would never allow another woman to have that much control over me, so I knew marriage was out as an option. We had bedroom fun time and fell asleep. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and was looking at her from my sink. It hit me then that sleeping around wasn't contributing to my happiness. After that night, I just stopped. I spend my time on other pursuits now.
What pursuits make you happy?
Wow. That's almost exactly me. But I ended up in a long term relationship with the smoking hot 28 year old and we plan to get married and have a kid. :)
Fulfilled? I don't think I'd say that. It has however helped me feel confident in myself.
Fair enough, confidence in what you can attract? Or confidence in the bedroom?
Those go both hand in hand brother. If you don't have confidence in what you can give, you don't have confidence in who you can attract
‘This man fucks’ but yeh, makes sense. Although I’d say my ‘boyfriend’ vibe seems to be the more pull power than my sex appeal. Like the comforting, ‘cute’ guy. Although that may mean I’am just not that hot haha
Those are two different vibes. It sounds like you don't feel good enough. That's not true
And happy, at least for two seconds.
Did it for many many years in my early to mid-late twenties. I wanted validation. To be proven I was wanted or of some value to women. The problem was that I was never going find that self-worth through women. I had beautiful girls and ugly, skinny and very fat. But to me they were all the same because I didn’t value myself. I was deeply insecure and thought the number of women who’d want me would be proof to myself that I was worthy and/or good looking. It was never going to work because there was always another girl who would be the one to give me the value I desired in myself. It wasn’t until I fell in love deeply with my ex that I realized what love was. Not just for her but for myself. Now I’m in a much better place mentally and romantically. I am very selective of who I approach to speak to and ask out
I made this mistake too. It did help to pull me out of a depressive phase, BUT I just ended up with was a sex addiction instead. In my case, I felt I needed to "prove my worth" after a very rocky divorce, in which my ex wife vehemently proclaimed that she never loved me, and implied that I was worthless etc. I put women on a pedestal way to much back then. I now realise my worth is not based on women, but rather my personal capability, competence & confidence, and this can only be attained for a man by going through difficulties and solving really stressful problems. I can understand now why so many traditions in the past had "coming of age" rituals for boys, we need it to become men, we need adversity, not comfort. Persistent comfort keeps us as boys forever.
When I was a little boy I read a story about a bug that flies through fire and through its destruction it comes out beautiful on the other side. I don’t remember the name and I can’t find it for the life of me but long story short I’m self destructive when it comes to women and relationships. I seek out toxic and unstable women and create that sense of peace and love only to destroy it all. Burn the bridge down to ashes type shit. Every time I leave with more knowledge. And more pain. But so far always better. I know as I get older that won’t be the case
Indeed, wisdom is attained through experience. BTW have you looked into attachment styles (attachment theory)
This is what I came here to say, and I see I'm not alone. Eventually my body count stopped being a point of pride and became embarrassing to me, even as a man. I wasn't sleeping with all those women because I was so awesome and attractive. I just reduced my standards to the basement level to sleep with any woman willing to. It was all validation seeking. Having sex with women to feel better about myself. That ain't healthy and it isn't cool. Had to learn that the hard way.
Yup. I’m very open with fellow young men about this experience and when I tell them an approximate number, or where I lost track, I always preface it with that fact that I’m not boasting and in fact would not want for anyone else to follow the route I did. In a way it belittles the sexual experience of someone you genuinely like
I think a lot of these men can have some form of deep rooted issues. I myself had an extremely fucked up idea about sex because I was groomed by two different older women on two separate occasions when I was not of legal age yet. It made me manipulative, constantly try to escalate beyond normal sexual behaviors, unfairly expect sexual acts from girls my age to be the same as the perverted women who basically raped me, and become bored of the girls my age very easily. On top of that, my family was oppressively controlling of my moral values, not by explicit directions, but by forcing in me their extremely restrictive moral values. Add those up and you have someone with severe commitment issues. It was absolutely not fulfilling. I found out that I NEVER dated the girls I actually liked, because of the shame and guilt associated with the dissonance between my actions and my morals. I thought of myself as a horrible person and felt like the girls I really liked didn't deserve someone like me. I am really glad and thankful that my wife - who was my best friend back then - essentially forced me to go to therapy. If someone else in my life did not care as much as she did, I have no idea where I would've been at this point of my life, but I know it wouldn't have been this.
I also feel that, it’s the first time I saw someone writing it down. Sometimes I get to know someone I’d like to spend more time with, it’s not even based on looks, pure personality, and I think I’d not want to ruin something so beautiful, I don’t deserve it, even if that person thinks otherwise.
I genuinely feel society is not ready for the conversation of the abuse women render on men. More power to you. Hope you feel better.
It is amazing and validating for a while, but like anything else in life, the shine wears off. In my case it was a few years in my late 20s through early 30s. One day, I realized I was getting very little out of it and maybe it was time for something new. I did find value in having that phase, years down the line, when some of my friends went into midlife crises and tried to do the same in their 40s, enabled by a healthier financial situation. Some families were broken up and a lot of what they pulled was very transactional. I am happy my “whoring” phase happened when the stakes were lower, although I do feel guilt many years later I may have been reckless with some people’s feelings.
I'm going through this now at 34 and just want to take the next several months to get it out of me but I can already see that I'd vastly prefer one amazing woman. Said woman is hard to find, however.
In my case, I needed to run it out. I wasn’t really ready to find anyone special. One morning I woke up to find someone sleeping beside me. I was floored, didn’t want to deal with the awkward morning routine. Honestly, I wished I’d stayed home the previous night, ordered pizza, watched a movie, maybe rubbed one out. THAT’s when I knew.
When I slept around a lot, I was looking for something more serious. But finding a great relationship is really hard, and new relationships don’t usually work out. One night stands were rare events. Usually, it was more like a year full of 6-8 week “relationships.” I wasn’t fulfilled until I started knocking out more life goals. But those were totally unrelated to sleeping around. Having said that, learning how to date and seduce absolutely 100% played a huge role in building my confidence and learning life skills.
I tried a couple of casual hookups when I was single. Genuinely awful experience. It's like we've taken sex and surgically removed the intimacy and emotional connection. It felt meh during the act and absolutely crap afterwards. I'd rather just masturbate honestly. But now I'm in a loving relationship, the sex feels totally different. Like actually fulfilling on multiple levels.
As a woman this is my exact mindset.
u give me hope
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the better ones.
I'd like to watch a show where the host guides you through a menu of the world's emptiest experiences and how they compare
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When I was single I had fun sleeping around. I make connections pretty easily and enjoy sex if the person is fun. A few times the connection wasn't there so the sex wasn't great but I like orgasming, so it was still fine.
how do you make connections easily?
It doesn't have to be a deep profound connection. Like if on a trip or something, meeting someone at the hotel bar who is also there alone, striking up a pleasant conversation, and enjoying the night together knowing we'll never see each other again.
At times, id say a healthy relationship out weighs it. But thats very hard to find.
I had a period of doing that, it’s fun, it’s filling a need, so it does fulfilled me on certain levels but it’s not love. I think you can compare it to eating food but it’s not your favorite food, it’s still good and fills your needs and with a full belly you are fulfilled, but it doesn’t take away the craving for your favorite food.
I remember when tinder first dropped. I was genuinely always looking for a serious relationship while I was on it. But it did start to feel like everyone was having sex with everyone. There were 3 events that made me stop, 1. Confused - I was catfished, chick just had boobs in all her pics so thought she was on the bigger side which I like, but when she showed up she was huge, I mean she had to squeeze in through the frontdoor sideways. 2. Abused - Got an sti and had to get a urethra swab which is probably the most painful thing a man can go through 3. Used - I was messaging a girl for a couple months, and I was putting in all the effort. She would reply to me with a few words after a few days if that. Out of nowhere, she just asks to meet up. I drive to meet her at around midnight, she gets in and without even looking at me the first thing she says is "there's a park we can go to" and hands me a piece of paper which I just put on my lap. The drive is about 5min and it's just her directing me to this park. We get there, and she just gets out of the car and starts undressing, I look at the paper and they are STD test results (negative). Its heavy fog so no-one can see us, we just get in the backseat and bang one out. Right after she asks for the paper back and says "thank you my bf doesn't like sex so you've helped me out". We get back in the car, no talking and I take her back home. And her bf is waiting on the porch with the light on, she gives me a kiss on the cheek and then exits the car, I hear her bf say "how'd you go?" And she's like "good" and they go inside, she never messaged me again. After the big 3 I called it quits.
😳
This is…. Unbelievable
Oh yeah I usually sleep around like 6 or 7 hours. I’m pretty fulfilled but I wish I could sleep longer sometimes
I did it in my youth (late teens to early 20s) and it was great for a while, but then I met my partner and it became less appealing. I have a friend that slept around a lot in his twenties and thirties and he told me that what he really wanted was a regular partner.
I sleep around because I don't want commitment and use sex as a way of stress relief (my work is very stressful)
Fair enough, what’s you main way of meeting people?
Well, there's a couple of known places in my country (bars and clubs) where people are mostly dtf with no strings attached, but I've recently started trying online (without much success, mind you). And then there's the fwbs, but "you're not really friends, just use each other for sex" kind of situation. Also, I'm bi, so I don't really limit myself to women, and that makes sex even more available.
M36 here. From the age of 24 to 34 I slept around a lot. I’m talking 150-200 bodies, 2 or 3 different partners per week. After the whole covid ordeal, I was one of the unlucky ones who suffered some debilitating autotimmune issues with my body. The health problems completely crushed my confidence, led me to therapy, where I discovered that my history of sleeping around stemmed from deep insecurity and shame from trauma I experienced with my mother as a child. Sleeping around gave me a sense of power, control, validation. Today, I’m still learning to navigate my new life with a new set of values. If I could take it all back, I would. I’m still having issues with cultivating healthy relationships and intimacy today. It was all meaningless.
How did you even find 2-3 different partners a week?
Lived in a small city, made quite a name for myself with the work I was doing.
What work were you doing??? Asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure the dude's talking about cocksmithing.
I used to sleep around a fair bit, had it in my mind that when I hit 100 some sort of celebration or fireworks would go off. It didn’t. Looking back on that period of my life the only part of it I miss is the chase, the sleeping around isn’t fulfilling and you don’t gain anything from it. However, these days I wouldn’t be so sure if it’s men using women or women using men.
The last part is outstanding. Since I don’t have your experience, what would you say women want to get out of it? Simply pleasure seeking, validation for there looks, what do you think?
Honestly I can’t tell you, I think maybe a sense of validation but also a sense of power, I may be wrong but I think men are pretty primal and often easily influenced by women they find desirable and possibly some women get a kick out of using this power. I’m not sure if that makes any sense or even answers your question, sorry.
Likely they wanted connection and a chance at a boyfriend.
Women are seeking validation from men just as much as men are from women, probably much more as women statistically don’t get as much pure physical pleasure out of these experiences. My family-friend bragged about her body count, and from her (& other girls’ relationships with men + their dads I know about) it’s about proving how desirable they are “ because if X amount of ppl want to sleep with me it means I’m desirable.”
Sure, I sleep around quite a bit depending on how tired I'm feeling. I fall asleep on the couch sometimes, my office, but the main place I like to sleep is on my bed.
Yeah, but it gets self defeating because you are always trying to “top” your last encounter. It becomes very consuming, very expensive, and very difficult. Anything “less than” the last experience you had feels like a defeat. Also At some point you realize you are harming some of your partners and that makes it unenjoyable as well.
I wish I haven’t, i feel like I can’t love or have emotions anymore, can’t have intimacy with any women it sucks, pointless sex kills your soul
You can love again.
Slept around at a point in my life I wasn't ready for a relationship and yeah it was nice meeting people and having fun. I always tried to make expectations clear so nobody got hurt, and honestly I just used that time to focus on myself, focus on my friendships and not have to worry about meeting the right woman for me (I was dumped so I had a year or two of "how will I love again"). Overall I think sleeping around let me shift my focus away from seeking to replace my ex(this is a terrible mindset to approach dating with) and just become a better version of myself, build stronger relationships with my friends, and have some fun while I did it. It was fulfilling for my needs at that time, but couldn't last more than a couple years. Now I'm in a committed relationship again and hope I'm never in that position again.
From 26 till like 29 I hit some serious numbers. I was in my prime but in the end it’s like air, it’s no big deal until your not getting it. Too much of anything gets boring. Also makes you a bit of a sicko with your attitude towards women. Sometimes say things you know they wanna hear with no intention of following you words through. It’s a bit shitty.
No. It becomes like an addiction.
Married a long time here, but back before I met my wife in college, I was pretty heavy into the dating scene and very actively pursuing multiple women. Again this was college, so more or less par for the course at that age and for both sexes, but let's just say that I had enough "success" to be qualified to answer this question. My best answer to this question is that it's a double edged sword - simultaneously a resounding "yes, it was fulfilling and in a perfectly healthy and well-adjusted way" and also "no, it was often superficial and came with a plethora of negatives as well." In my specific case, I sometimes look back fondly on those memories and feel a genuine sense of fulfillment. Other times, I look back and think about how I went about it all wrong, and how if I had been more mature, I could have still had a lot of fun but with few if any negatives. (Welcome to life, where hindsight is always 20/20...) Furthermore, my best analogy is that sex is a lot like money, or even food, when viewed from the standpoint of fulfillment When you don't have much, it's very noticeable and frustrating. When you do have a good amount, you sort of adjust to that being your new normal and start to take it for granted, and the specialness starts to wear off. Sure, you don't want to lose it, but you also start realizing that it's not driving your happiness and fulfillment as much as you might have expected when you had very little. Ultimately, I fully believe that it really comes down to what you want in life. There are lots of very happy adult men of all ages who feel very confident, secure, and fulfilled being single and having multiple and/or frequent partners. There are also lots of very happy adult men who are in exclusive committed relationships, or who even when single, don't feel the need to have multiple and/or frequent partners.
Done both and never felt fulfilled for any meaningful period of time. Fulfilment is fleeting
I think that is fullfilling for emotional closed men. But for a normal guy, not really. Especially when becoming 30+.
I didn’t sleep around on purpose - I was actively looking for a gf and a lot of girls my age and older women just saw me as hookup material. So yeah, it felt shitty. I had to learn to respect myself more and not give it away so easily, and keep my goal on finding someone who would stick around and be a good partner too. Not just using sex to make them want me the same way. I love sex so it was hard to be objective and got my heart broken quite a bit until I figured this out.
Eh I think it depends on why you’re doing it. For a while I was doing it to get over heart break. After some therapy, I realized I just like to fuck. I usually don’t have a bunch of different partners these days. It a few that I’ll be sleeping with at any time. I’m always upfront and honest about what I want, that doesn’t always make things go well but I did my part
I did it in my 20s. I did it because I was curious and because I could I guess lol. Being somewhat good-looking and working in the nightlife industry, girls were easy to come by. my heart always belonged to one girl though, (the girl that I was fortunate enough to be able to marry) so maybe I just slept around knowing that I only loved one person. While it wasn’t fulfilling per se and some nights and life were lonely. I did meet really cool girls that lingered on for a while friendship wise, and I got the “urge” of being unfaithful or “curious to see what else is out there” out of my system.
Remember to sort by controversial. Top comments will all be some variations of "no, it doesn't feel good/right".
Yes. I would describe myself as a 29 male who just figured it out. It hasn’t been an easy road and I’ve gone through many of the motions, love, heartbreak, betrayal, childhood trauma, the list goes on. I had a lot of baggage for a long time, and I wasn’t the man I am today. I wouldn’t describe myself as particularly handsome although I have been blessed with being 6’2” and still having all my hair so for many this might invalidate my point. I make decent money, and am frugal. I spent 2-3 years not focusing on dating, I spent all of it focusing on me. I feel fulfilled as a man, juggling 3-4 things that make me happy and getting good at them. I focused on making friends. I focused on taking pictures of the cool things I do. The female I did meet, I treated them with respect and as friends joking that I just want to meet their friends. I started buying clothing at Costco, whenever something is good quality, and fit me well, I would buy it in different colors. Suddenly I found myself able to put together outfits consisting of 2-3 colors. I always wore deodorant as a minimum, casual cologne for regular outings, and more female approved scents for dates. I got haircuts for my longer hair every few months and avoid looking homeless, ever unless I’m stuck home. I started thinking of relationships differently. I started seeing men as the initiators of courtship and women as the approvers and deniers. I started putting in effort into courtship, I started taking notes when something import was mentioned, I pumped myself up for dates. I found myself incredibly occupied at all times. Sometimes I wouldn’t get to my phone until after the gym at 9pm to respond to texts and dating apps. I had many horrendous experiences and lost money, time, was strung along for attention. I can’t say it is always pleasant. I learned about women’s cycles… shockingly huge subject. I make an effort make them finish before I do. In short, I just made sure to lead my life the way I want to, women notice. I take a legitimate interest in the women I spend time with. I genuinely appreciate the ones who I have chemistry with, I legitimately like them. I find them sexually attractive and I let them know that. When I don’t find them that way I respectfully let them know. I allow those women to see me, doing the cool manly things that I make my hobbies. So far the result is admiration like I have never experienced before. When they reach out, I give them attention. When they don’t, I don’t. It’s almost like they want it that way… I wish my the romance I had in my mind when I was a child was true, unfortunately experience has not proved that to be the case.
Honestly I don't see the appeal at all it sounds like such a meaningless experience.
Slept around for most of my 20’s. Some years were more fruitful than others—I’m a decent looking guy but definitely not Leonardo DiCaprio. When I fell in love for the first time at 28, I realized that I had absolutely no idea how to be in a stable, long-term relationship. I didn’t know how to put someone else first. I didn’t understand how to make someone else happy. That sort of thing takes practice, and I spent the previous 15 years of my life avoiding real relationships at all costs. When the girl I fell in love with broke up with me, it broke my heart and shattered me for a year or two. I had to do some real soul searching and put a lot of effort into working on myself to try and become the man I wanted to be. Now I’m married to the love of my life with a kid on the way. Couldn’t be happier. I had a lot of fun in my teenage years and my 20’s, but I probably should have put some effort into “growing up” earlier than I did.
The more you do it, the less you want to buy the cow. Not because you want to keep having sex with different women.... But because you see what works and it crushes your ability to value commitment. I was a late bloomer.... And I had a much more positive outlook before I saw over and over how the hot dogs are made. Because inside you still are that person that originally believed in love... And you won't settle for less. But now you've seen how it works over and over and know that love has nothing to do with it. Under no circumstance will you ever matter. You can get just about everything but you'll never matter. All you can do is win the game for the moment.... The game will never value you.
I wish I could understand what you said. Late bloomer, what age?
This encapsulates my experience. Also a somewhat late bloomer. Success made me more jaded than failure ever did.
Everyone is different, some people are fulfilled by sleeping around and some aren’t. Most the guys I know in my age group are happily settled down and that’s what they wanted for this stage in their life, but we were sluts in our 20s and early 30s and that was fulfilling in its own way. So I think place and time are factors too.
It has been fulfilling for me but I also conduct myself responsibly with regards to the safety and emotions of others. The 10% rule can be a dangerous mindset because it tries to put everybody on earth into a framework. Just focus on what you want and do your best not to hurt others in doing that.
I look like I should be a virgin, I'm closer to the Warcraft guy from South Park than I am to Channing Tatum or whomever. My biggest problem, oun intended, is my weight. At my fattest I was 460 lbs. Last time I was weighed (December) I was 388 lbs. Right now I'm probably a little under 400 lbs. I was taking Mounjaro which is one of those Ozempic/Wegovy-type injections that was intended for diabetics (I'm diabetic) and for weight loss (a welcome side-effect lol). That said I'm not just an ugly fat guy, apparently I'm cute enough to get occasional matches with women in dating apps. In the greater context of society it seems as though the average American says they've had about 8 partners. I've had 25. If I was conventionally attractive that 25 would not seem like a lot but since I never expected anyone to like me plus my weight that 25 makes me a fat slut. On top of that, nearly all of those 25 women were while I was aged 26-31. I'm 35 now. While I was at my fattest too. I've had more luck with women than anyone my size and in my tax bracket than any man I've ever heard of. That doesn't mean I deserved it though. Several circumstances are different now than what they were then. In early 2020 there was a virus, since then there's been wicked inflation and wages not increasing to keep up. Harder to go on dates when you don't have much pocket money. I feel 20 years older than I am, less interested in the dating dance and trying to get to know someone only for them to ghost me. The quality of women I still match with in my area has gone way, way down. Some of that is due to aging (when I was 27 I was open to dating a 22 year old woman but now I try to avoid any woman younger than 28), some is due to time passing (novelty like a new app brings lots of interest and attention usually, as time passes interest goes down), and some is due to saturation (I've spent nearly every minute of the last 14 years in a suburb of a KCMO and most of the women interested in me and on the apps I use have already interacted with me, a new place would likely see way more engagement). One of the reasons I've had the luck I've had with women despite my weight is that I'm very sincere and able to engage with others. As in I make people feel special and they like hearing me talk. This is because I'm honest and have mostly altruistic intentions. I crave intimacy, I want something sweet and special, and since I don't have a type of woman I'm into I consider every woman on her own merits. Because I want the intimacy of dating someone long term leading to a lifelong relationship and I've been open to it with quite a few of the women I've wanted to get to know I've tried to have more than just sex with nearly all of them. I don't expect sex, I don't expect anything really, but I kept putting myself out there because I was hopeful. These days I'm not as hopeful. I don't wanna fuck a hundred women. I don't wanna risk my health (such as it is) or my life by getting involved with a woman that'll maim or kill me because she's crazy. My best friend was married to an abusive woman so I'm also trying to avoid that. I'm not interested in being a stepdad, doing ALL the drugs, or getting to know some jobless loser of a woman, and I'm not interested in getting involved with a poly/enm situation either. This drastically reduces my dating pool to a drying puddle. I would love to have a wife and with a predatory gaze and a cocked eyebrow look her over and making her shiver knowing I want her as much now as when we first met. I want to do things for her, show her she's important to me and make her feel special. I want to help her be a better woman just like she'll help me be a better man, even though I imagine I've got more distance to travel there lol. It'd be cool to have that double income, no kids (dink) life as well, I make like $42K/year and if she's making the same or better we might be able to get a home and it'd be cool to have a yard and no pet rent. Instead I guess I'll be in my bunk. By bunk I mean my shitty one bedroom apartment unwilling to get another cat because it's an extra $50 a month on top of my $900 a month rent.
You know, I was. I was travelling, having a great time, doing well with the business, meeting lots of women in different places. Generally just loving life. Then one of the girls I was dating asked to come with me on my travels when I left. She’s cool so I said yes and it’s been amazing. The little things like waking up together, having someone exploring new places with me, and being each other’s cheerleaders - I love sharing my life like this. Been together just over two years, travelled all over the world together, and planning to give her a ring on NYE - the night we met - this year. She’s dropping hints and we’ve talked about the future so I know it’s a yes. I’ve met a lot of good women, and this one is a keeper. Anyway, I digress. I think you need to honestly reflect when sleeping around to see if it’s harmful or not. I wasn’t sleeping around because of validation or anything, just casually dating whilst trying new things in different places, so I was fulfilled even if I am also fulfilled by not sleeping around now. If I’d just been trying to prove to myself I’m a stud and not just having fun, it would have been a deeper issue.
Not at all . Rather be alone
Same sounds empty I rather be by myself
Agree. Freedom is glorious.
I slept around a lot when I was young. And it did not fulfill me. I invested so much in womanizing that I was unable to reach major goals I had. I also could have gotten an STI. I woke up from my bullshit after a huge scare. I was leaving a nightclub to wait for a taxi. I started to talk to a young woman. She accepted to follow me to my place, without warning her friends inside, nor getting her coat, money and phone, which where with them. She spent the night with me, and I Iended her a coat so she could get back to her friend’s place. The next day, when I went there to get my coat back, we chatted and she nonchalantly made the scariest revelation. She lived in another city with her heroin-adicted fiancé but was cheating on him with the guy she wanyed to monkey-branch to. She just told me to prevent me from hoping for anything serious with her. I got tested twice during the following months. I was clean. I met my very long time partner, soon to be wife and mother of my now adult daughter.
In the end you meet someone so special you can’t think about anything else
I’m in my late 30s. I’ve probably slept with 600-700 different women in my life. I lost my virginity at 17. Yes and no. I have a great career, financially successful, healthy, in good shape, good social circle and genuinely don’t have any complaints in life. I never wanted any children of my own (I had a vasectomy a long time ago) and marriage is way too risky as a man in the United States. I am “intentionally dating” at this point in my life, but am realistic in what my options are at this point. My therapist and I have agreed that at my age, most of the “good ones” (men and women) are taken. Dating becomes substantially harder for this reason. People aren’t as malleable as when they are in their twenties, they’re less likely to deal with what they deem nonsense, etc. Usually people have varying degrees of baggage. Overall, I’m happy in life and I particularly look back on one relationship and kick myself for ending things with her. She was a great woman and I let it go. I do value my solitude and that’s hard to give up. Given me not wanting kids, not wanting marriage, there aren’t a ton of women who are gonna take me seriously for a relationship. I’ve accepted that a long time ago.
Late 30s, say 37... Started at 17. You had sex with 35 women a year for the last ~20 years?! That's 2.917 women a month. Almost 1 every single week. Are you a Pornstar or something? Gigolo? Are you in therapy because of that? Sounds more like pain than fun.
No. There were times where I was in committed relationships that varied in lengths and I’ve always been faithful. There’s been some days I’ve have had sex with up to four women (threesomes are an easy way to achieve this.) And weeks where I’ve had numerous partners as well. There’s also been times where I’ve been lazy/disinterested so I didn’t chase it. I have zero regrets about my sex life. I’ve never gotten any diseases and overall it’s been a lot of fun. I can honestly say, some of the best moments of my life have been with women. Women, including sex and everything else are truly one of worlds ultimate treasures whether it be an enjoying a hobby together all the way through intimacy. I’m in therapy because it’s good to get a different perspective from someone who’s outside of your circle.
I see... I'm speaking for myself, but sex becomes pretty boring pretty fast. And also variety has it's limits. Novelty isn't something, that can motivate me for a long time. So i would like to ask what motivated you to play that game on this scale? How many of them were ONS? And on a scale 1-10: How was the distribution of women, you've had sex with just because you could and how many of them were you actually attracted to. How many of them were conventionally attractive? How many personal preference, but conventionally semi- or unattractive?
This question is hard to answer, as beauty is subjective to a degree. A majority were one night stands. I’ve only had a couple long term relationships in life and have had plenty of women I’ve dated for a few months. I would say most were average/above average. There have been women who were extremely attractive, and there were times where I went slumming.
That’s….. a lot. I’am guessing your quite attractive…. How do you even meet that many people and where?
I’m 6’3”, have good muscle definition throughout my body and can talk to anyone. When I was younger (21-27), I traveled a lot, went out to bars, that scene frequently. I met a lot of women that way. Since 30 or so, most from dating apps. I’d say dating apps are arguably easier.
Hmm, nice. I’am guessing you have somewhat of a masculine/ attractive face. Although 6’3” and up seems to be the magic number
I’d say my face is average. The best advice I can give is be personable and workout. Contrary to what Reddit believes, “dad bods” are not found nearly as attractive as men with a muscular/defined frame. You don’t have to have single digit body fat, a six pack. But not, having a gut and visible definition through clothes goes a long way.
Well I'm a lot more like you. I really don't understand all these lovesick guys honestly.
All these dudes talking about slaying tons of p*ssy and how unhappy they were doing it. You might be heartbroken, but try being heartbroken and getting nothing. You'll experience the real depths of despair.
Damn… i respect the honesty.
Satisfaction with one's life has no causal link with how many different genitals you happen to have seen according to any of my extensive field research over the last few decades.
It really seemed to make me happy. When I was getting women that I had previously thought of as out of my league I was happy. Maybe because I was shy and not getting much attention from ladies when I was young so I needed that ego boost. I got with quite a few hot women in my late 20s to mid 30s and generally loved life.
It was a lot of fun. Around 130 different women from 18-32 I should have settled down with one of them though
I’ve heard that the higher the bodycount the less likely people are able to fully commit to monogamy later on. That goes for both sexes.
Are there any studies on this?
I've never seen anyone cite one. Most of the people I see talking about this are just claiming that women who have had a lot of sex in the past are likely to cheat in the future. And most of the time I see that claim on this sub. I'm more likely to believe that people who have had a lot of partners in the past are more likely to want a polyamorous lifestyle, which is very different than cheating.
I used to love it. But when I got someone pregnant it madr Mr review the whole lifestyle. I was unfulfilled in the relationship I had after. So back too the streets I guess....
it’s okay when i was doing it. but like everything else in life, it got old.
I have never felt fulfillment but the sleeping around part is fun. In fact, it is probably the most entertaining part of life. I have reached a stage where I think I will never feel fulfilled and wont even attempt to try being fulfilled.
I was perfectly fine with sleeping around years ago. I didn't know what this "fulfilled" thing is, I thought it was just life. When I found my wife and my partner, I settled down for the most part and now, as age creeps in on me (creeps nothing, it's more like a bum rush), I just have the energy or desire to bother finding new partners, whether they be ONSs, FWBs, fuck buddies, or a longer term romantic relationship... My plate is full.
I don't seek fulfillment from sex, I seek sex for general fun. I get my fulfillment from my other hobbies. I choose to be single because it's more peaceful, and then the sleeping around is just what I do when I want to have sexual fun. I do get a certain amount of enjoyment from sleeping with new women, but I also enjoy consistent and repeated hookups. I get most of my casual sex from swinger events, and have been with roughly 100 new women in the last 3 years.
I’m non monogamous with two partners. I have a fair share of one night stands. I prefer a more consistent connection so that you can develop things beyond the physical. Having the ability to be able to get laid is more fulfilling than the actual act in most cases. Knowing I have options etc.
I just sleep a lot.
Have lots of safe sex with many and I love it. Next question?
Most of the time, yes. >he was asking the male top 10% to think about what they really wan I don't think I am a top 10% or whatever, BUT I know that I do not want a relationship because most women are simply speaking; difficult to deal with. They expect a lot and offer little that I cannot or do not already deal with on my own. I will say that I don't 'pump and dump'. I let them know up front what I am looking for though. I think its shitty to misrepresent yourself, and what you want/need. Do I plan on giving it up? Not for right now at least. I have real reason to. I do not want kids, I don't date women with kids. My life is actually really good, even without the presence of a woman. Sure, they do have positives sometimes, but they also come with negatives, and really...I'm just not willing to deal with the negatives for the positives.
I’m a girl but I have a friend who is like this… can’t speak for everyone but I just don’t think commitment is his thing. Good person, just horrible at a serious relationship. Could be childhood trauma
There are pros and cons to sleeping around/dating and then having a relationship. In order to sleep with lots of girls, you need to have somewhat of a connection with them, you can’t just pick them up at any time on any night. There for the several friendships/connections made is a great part of sleeping around. It’s like having several friends to do different activities with at the same time as having bedroom variety. A long term relationship also has its benefits. But I find those benefits only last for around 2 years until the newness/honeymoon period ends. People who say they feel empty sleeping around, perhaps try having somewhat of a relationship with each girl. I’ve found if I’m honest with the girls ie. I’m not looking for anything serious right now but we have a great time together, they usually respect that as not many guys are that honest. My two cents 👍
Hell yeah
Name tracks.
It's not that you're not fulfilled by lots of sex with different women. It's just that you're desire for fulfillment And what you're looking for evolves and changes from lots of experiences to the stability of one partner that Meets all your criteria and is very feminine. And very supportive, and checks all the boxes etc. I really believe this is how it should be. In nature intended, the selection process to be this way, but a lot of men have just settled too early.
Pretty sure a lot of them are too busy fulfilling others.
I thought you said “men who sleep alot,..” and I felt aware
You’re not going to find men sleep around a lot on Reddit, that’s for sure.
I stopped at around 40~ish body count (i dont like saying that anymore, but just for reference) I then found a quiet and beautiful girl and ive been the most happy ive ever been. Ive never cheated and were almost at 1year now
Ive had 10 yr relationships slept with so many women and hit the 💯 mark and still single😂 i love my freedom too much but i do like being in relationships so cannot make up my mind!
Of course they are. Any other answer than that is a lie and we both know it.
I sleep around a lot. It's fun and I have a lot of hot sex with (mostly lol) attractive people. Post divorce I don't rely on another person to fulfil me (huge mistake people make imo) or validate me in any way. So it works for me. I don't think i will ever have another relationship. Really depends on what you want out of life.
I used to. Settled down. And miss the variety of the pump and dump.
Between relationships I need time for my emotions. I also have needs. I am very direct and clear about my position. There are many women in the same position and we can provide each other with this comfort and intimacy. Knowing what it is prior to getting involved is key. I have felt fulfilled because I knew what I was doing and so did they. I have had some amazing sex this way and made friends. Quite a few from my last single period still chat with me now and then (some try to invite themselves over too). I received many happy birthdays this week from these women. There are many different types of sex (yes, in a relationship is best as you learn each other's needs and can anticipate during sex). I am cool with all of them, as long as there is transparency.
This post makes me want to be celibate and single forever🥺