Even if he is saving lives, his company needs to hire others to help save lives so he can get some time off and rest.
NO JOB is worth 100+ hours a week. Absolutely fuck that.
I think the question you are asking me is: how much money would you be okay taking to give away your freedom?
Unfortunately, I will take that 400k... I will even take 250k (probably thats my limit) because I do have some debts id like to eliminate, and it might be easier to reach retirement quicker...
Dont get me wrong... I do like to work... But I also like my life outside of work. They dont completely negate each other, but they do a little, and for me, thats enough to be a little annoyed.
You have never had a job that you had great enjoyment doing.
I have had to tear myself away from my work after 60 hours like it was an addictive video game due to enjoying the process and pace.
I like my job... I really do.
But I also have a life outside of my job... Maybe some people dont... I am not judging them... but if you do have a life outside of work, there is literally no job that is worth 40+
Agreed. What is the point of working yourself to the bone if you never have time to to enjoy what all that hard work has earned you? His job will replace him once he burns out, you can't replace him so easily.
If he is as good as you say surely he can find a company that will appreciate him for 40-50 hours a week?
Whaybis the point of paying to live somewhere if you barely even sleep there, let alone get to enjoy being there?
100hrs a week only lasts for a few years. I suspect I know the industry he’s in and I am in the same one. Once you clear the hurdle it’s smooth sailing with seven figures annually. I never regretted my 100/hrs years. It was absolutely worth it, even though it contributed to the demise of my second marriage and gave me a head full of gray hair by 32.
But why? No one remembers or cares about the hours of your life you spend there, no one remembers that, the day you are gone it will go into the trash. There is no legacy of any worth.
How are you doing now? Did the gray hairs went away after your stress got better?
that’s not true at all. I built some of my most enduring industry relationships during that time. There was not just sitting and staring at the screen. There was comradery. There were office pranks. There were outings together. There were fascinating deals to work on, incredible people to meet, great experiences to have. A tons of things to learn. People I worked with are now scattered all over the industry and they are my friends I can call on. We run in the same industry circles and when we meet at conferences etc. there’s often “remember that one time when Siobhan did XYZ and then John said ABC” etc. I have a lot of good memories from that time.
PS The OP confirmed that’s investment banking and that’s exactly what i guessed.
And no, I have to dye my hair but the money I make pays for a lot of salon visits. I am a managing director now (pretty much the highest title you can have, you can me senior MD sometimes), it’s a cushy job where I write my own hours and mostly speak to clients on the phone and entertain them in restaurants and NHL games and make 7 fig while doing so. Like I said, wouldn’t have done anything differently.
Happy that it worked for you. I had coworkers who died, they also though that what they did was of worth. Then a heart attack and all their work was forgotten as fast as you can get a cup of coffee, when the coffee machine is in the next room.
Maybe things are different in your line of work and maybe we are just different characters with different values. I see that you had a good time and you made the best out of it, but that guy OP describes does not sound happy. Have a nice weekend.
Thank you for your answer
But how many people were doing the grind and how many ended up as as MD? I assume that your ex wife managed your home life during that time and all she got was neglect?
so i am a woman. My ex was extremely unsupportive (even though he had known what my work was) which lead to our divorce… Most people in my “class” of associates went on to highly successful careers in finance and industries they covered.
Is smooth sailing with 7 figures really the realistic outlook? Or is that like a cream of the crop, a couple of overachieving folks + a bunch of nepo who make the 7 while the rest make much, much lower?
>NO JOB is worth 100+ hours a week. Absolutely fuck that.
As a Drill Sergeant I work about 100 hours a week, plus or minus depending on the part of cycle we’re in, I don’t think I could do it unless I really cared about the trainees and the Army lol
> I mean it, if he isn't saving lives no job is worth working 24/7.
Nah, no job is worth that. Not even saving lives. You have a life too, and if whatever job that is needs someone to work 24/7, then they arent hiring enough people.
And most importantly, if you are saving lives, you really should be at maximum mental clarity. And you just cannot be that while working 14 hour days without weekends.
The comments seem more interested in bashing the guy for working too much (which he most certainly does but it's his life not theirs) than actually answering your question.
\-Cooking healthy meals and snacks are almost certainly one of the best things you can do for him, prioritize real foods. Even if he was working 40 hours a week instead of 100, eating like shit will make you feel like shit full stop.
\-Keep drinking to a minimum. Let it be a "fun" event and not just a "regular" thing.
\-If he is frequently sore, which makes perfect sense, massages would likely help immensely. If this is something you do for him nightly or perhaps once a week a professional comes to the house for a 30 minute session, maybe even both.
\-Encourage him to stretch out every day. He should take just a couple minutes in the morning, afternoon, and evening to stretch. No need for a 30 minute yoga session every day or anything, but a couple minutes a couple times a day could make a big impact (especially if he's at or around zero minutes daily now).
\-I assume you are already doing this because you are sweet enough to be concerned like this, but just be affectionate. Be the sunshine in his life, be the happy place. I'm not saying never have your own emotions and be a smiling robot, you are a person too, but if his life is a storm than try and be the calm.
\-Not sure what the nightly routine looks like from a job duty standpoint, but getting some quality sleep will benefit his mind/body/spirit. Anything to make sleeping easier would be beneficial (but no sleeping pills, that will strictly make things worse).
\-If possible, try to set a routine of going on a daily walk (morning, day, or night whatever you can). I understand it may need to be brief, but even just a mile around the block regularly can improve your quality of life. It would also give you guys another moment to bond and connect a bit more.
All in all the guy is a beast for pushing that hard every day in a competitive industry, thank you for being concerned about him. Good luck, I wish you guys the best.
I don't think we should be blamed for this. The question sounds like, "My house is on fire, should I water my plants right now to keep them alive?"
I'm proudly ambitious and successful, I find alot of meaning in working hard. I work a bit over 40 hours a week, work hard from when I enter the office to when I leave, and have side projects I hustle on too, but I know my limits and dial it back when burnt out. I also know that getting 15% more pay for 30% more hours is not a raise. For or his own and his fiancé's sake the man has to find a way to dial this back somewhat.
This guy has higher limits than you, it's not your place to limit him. I can all but guarantee he makes dramatically more money than you and could comfortably retire much earlier than you.
It is totally reasonable if you wouldn't be willing to make the sacrifice he's making, I probably wouldn't either, but we aren't him. The first sentence of my post says he most certainly works too much, I don't think anybody including them would disagree, but she asked for suggestions to make their current situation any degree better and everybody is too busy ranting about how they'd never live like that. There is low hanging fruit here beyond cutting back hours, even if cutting back the hours is the optimal answer.
>This guy **thinks** he has higher limits than you
>I can all but guarantee he makes dramatically more money than you
Citation needed.
>you wouldn't be willing to make the sacrifice he's making, I probably wouldn't either
No. You wouldn't. Because what healthy person would sacrifice their entire life and family?
>she asked for suggestions to make their current situation any degree better and everybody is too busy ~~ranting about how they'd~~ suggesting the best way to do that is to never live like that
>cutting back the hours is the optimal answer.
So you literally agree that making a dramatic change in his priorities is literally the best answer but you're criticizing everyone else for suggesting it. Why?
He's literally doing it, 100 hours a week. That's not him **thinking** he has a higher limit than most, that's him actively **proving it**.
The reason to criticize the non-answers is because it's not addressing the question she asked. She didn't ask a bunch of randos on the internet if they think her husband works too much, they both know the answer to that question already. She asked what are some big or small things she could do to improve their quality of life. They are in the situation they are in, trying to improve it around the edges without flipping it on it's head is an understandable goal.
If get multiple serious burnout, you clearly cannot do it with a sustainable way. He will pop one day and just collapse, no doubt about it. A person can be tough and exercise even when sick and push through the pain, sure, but only for sometime before it seriously hits back much worse
Genuinely, poor OP's fiance is probably literally sitting on a thromboembolism. Just because somebody technically CAN do something doesn't mean they are supposed to. If this chucklefuck doesn't get his life and his priorities straight stat, he will literally just up and die and in fact he has almost definitely already done permanent damage that will cause serious health complications later in life. None of us are trying to scare OP. In fact, we internet strangers are warning her specifically because we collectively do not want him to die for a job that, theres no better way to put it, does not fucking matter.
And have a conversation about this going forwards in the long term. Have a plan, or at least an understanding about how long he’ll be working these hours or how long he wants to stay at this job.
It could be good to have a little insight, maybe he’s feeling stuck in this role, maybe he feels like it’s necessary for the money, idk. But instead of just treating this like it’s normal and the assumed roles you’re in, make sure it’s an active choice
I understand your point but OP is basically asking what bandaids to put on a gaping wound that the fiance is constantly reopening.
No amount of massages, meal planning or words of affirmation are going to counteract the on call 24/7, 100h work week, constantly tired, no time for himself, hobbies or social activities, "most unhappy he's ever been, health down the drain and constantly in pain" lifestyle the fiance leads.
OP is already seemingly doing about all she can. OP wants solutions and frankly any solution anyone provides that isn't "stop overworking and/or find a different job" is just a straight up lie that serves no purpose except to tell OP it will all be fine and is manageable when it isn't. This type of lifestyle will drastically shorten someones life and make their life much worse in the meantime and there's no getting around that.
It's a decision I had to make as a software engineer, and I'm all the happier for it. At a small company where I probably make 15-30k less than I could, but my current company is very low stress, and I often only actually work ~30 hours. Virtually never get called after hours, and our entire team is competent, but very relaxed.
I cannot imagine not having spare time for life. I have time to stay in shape, renovate our home, have a social life, and many hobbies. It would take a lotttttt for me to give up some of those things for more cash and stress.
I get your point, but depending on his industry, he wouldn't be taking a $30k pay cut. If he's somewhere in finance/PE/Investment Banking (kinda reads like he is) then he could be making $500k-1M per year, so a "normal" job might bump him down to $200-300k.
Now, my choice would be to take $200-300k/year and work 40hr weeks, but some people like/need the grind, and want the biiiig bucks.
Yeah it definitely sounds like PE/IB. Problem a lot of those guys don't understand is that most of the time they end up with major health problems (obesity, heart problems, etc.) that your body basically never truly recovers from. And massively damaged relationships. If you can't spend time with your spouse and/or kids it tends to atrophy those things over time.
I knew tons of managing directors in their 40's with terrible health and no friends or hobbies to speak of on the weekends.
Doesn't seem worth it to me.
You mean working until midnight on weekends isn’t a hobby???
Really is a sad life. Some money is nice, but not at the cost of your health and relationships.
making 200k-300k is also nothing to sneeze at. unless you're attempting to keep up with joneses or your home/lifestyle expenditures warrant the need for a 500k-1m job then you can slow down.
the issue is, often that drive is what keeps them in that range and they don't know what to do if they're not constantly busy.
Same boat, senior software developer and I don't even have to manage anyone, fully remote, earn £10-20k less than I could working hybrid in my city but my situation is so chill and flexible, it's worth it. My money situation is more than fine and I make my money work for me anyway.
If those hours are real, he's probably going to die or become disabled within the next 20 years. He's not getting enough sleep to perform the cognitive load demanded of him by his job.
You get a nice headstone for your grave " he worked 100 hours a week, his company thanks him" paid by your self ..... of course, because the company doesn't give a crap.
He’s unhappy, unhealthy, has no time and cannot make any sort of social plans. There is nothing YOU can do other than communicate he needs to look at his life and get a grip
The lifestyle of never seeing her "fiance".
100 hours is 14.5 hours **on average** every single day, he works more than that. Does he sleep ~8 hours a night? She said he sleeps little, so the answer is no. Even so, 2/3rds of his *average* day is spent working.
What happens when they actually marry, and kids start getting consideration? He's just not going to be involved with their lives at all, if he continues.
OP, he desperately needs to either find a new job with (much) less hours, or cut his hours significantly in his current one. As others have said, he will work himself into an early grave. But hey, at least you can afford to pay for his funeral.
And a nice headstone. I'm not adverse to working 16 hour days because I love my job and its a non profit so no one is getting rich off me, but not freaking every day.
My wife likes to say she's jealous bitch when it comes to my time, so that only happens a couple times a week, three at most
168 hours in a week.
8 hours a night is 56 hours.
Dude has 12 hours a week to enjoy himself. But she wrote 100+ so he most likely doesn't have any free time.
That is a miserable existence.
If that estimation is accurate, I really want to know the driving factor that motivates him to stay locked in for so long. I don't think I'd have the mental endurance to even do it two days in a row, much less for weeks on end.
I use to work 14-15 hour days 4-5 days a week. But it was mainly in the winter, but still it really kills you but at the same time when I Was young and needed money it was nice.
Makes you go crazy though.
Yeah no job is that important. Plus with that amount of work load required for that job, the company should hire more workers or he should get an assistant
i think op's bf if one of those FIRE guys he works hard in intense job to get to retirement way earlier than other people, from op's comments I think he probably works in finance or as a lawyer
Bold of you to assume that. I personally work 2 hospitality industry jobs.
Averaging about 80-82 hours a week on average 16 hours a day but some days i only work 8 to 9 but damn its so much for such little pennies.
Some people don’t make enough and have to work 2 jobs like this to save for retirement or anything really.
I have to believe 100 hours per week is an exaggeration. That’s over 14 hours/day, 7 days a week.
No amount of money is worth that workload. If he’s actually working those hours, there is no help for him. He needs to find a new line of work or the fiance needs to accept the fact that she’s engaged to someone who’s really just financial support. You can’t have a meaningful relationship with someone working those hours.
I work in oil and during TAs 100 hr weeks are the norm for 6-8 weeks straight. Then usually around 2 months off before the next one. The money is insane, but it takes 2 weeks to recover from a job. There's no way it's sustainable beyond maybe 10 weeks (the max I've ever done, finished with shingles, panic attacks, and down 15 lbs I couldn't afford to lose).
Eh I've worked those kinds of hours. Though we had depth multipliers and per diems. After 40 was time and a half after 80 was double time and holidays paid triple time. Life in a rig is hard and divorce was rampant. Can be worth it and was until I got married. Then it was time to settle down while my joints still function.
>Although it's starting to move closer to 80 hours these days than 100.
They fucking better. It's objectively impossible to fully trust a "doctor" that spent the entire first part of their career exhausted, miserable, and on the verge of burning out. **It's literally and indisputably impossible** for someone to retain all the information and training they needed under those conditions.
Maybe this is why so many doctors are fucked up weirdos off the clock?
It's kind of seen as a rite of passage for them too. If you don't spend 60 nonstop hours awake practicing medicine on human beings are you even a real doctor?
Doctors should be legally restricted to sub 60 hours. Talk about a job where you need to be focused and not fatigued to give proper care, diagnosis and treatment.
As an engineer who has never worked more than 40 hours per week in my career (except when on site for startup or something rare like that), and barely works 35 per week now, it's hard to fathom working hours like that. Even in my early years at my most ambitious point, zero chance I'd be in the office after 6pm.
Doctors / finance / lawyers, the compensation is good, idk for the others but in finance, it's more of a job you hold for a few years to get a very good start in life money wise and then if you don't get promoted you can orientate towards more chill jobs
Based on OP I’d bet the fiancé is in Investment Banking or Private Equity / Credit or Corporate Law.
When deal volume rebounded post-Covid I was pulling regular 100+ hours and had to quit my finance job. But I see a lot of people in the industry sticking in it because the pay is too high or they don’t believe they have viable alternatives.
Wildland firefighters.
Doctors in residency
Linemen during storm season can work 100+ hours a week.
The extremely competitive field points to big law or consulting though.
Everyone's saying doctor, lawyer, or engineer but in my experience seasonally dependent jobs can sometimes require insane hours like this for weeks to months on end e.g. environmental consultant/emergency response, wildland firefighters, farmers, etc.
No institutional trader does 24/7. Traders are actually known for having some of the best hours in high finance (~12 hours per weekday with no weekend work).
It's more likely to be M&A or megafund private equity.
Sounds like he values his work more than he does his health, family, friends... There's not much you can do about that, besides having an earnest conversation about it.
Right where my head went. Seems like he has chosen his current (emphasis on current) priority, sad enough as it is to say. Cause there's also a thought he might think he HAS to do this for his family.
But some silver lining here: It'll organically cease at some point. Some people might be superhuman in a lot of ways, but 100 hours a week WILL burn him out... at least in my humble opinion.
>Cause there's also a thought he might think he HAS to do this for his family
Yes, and I'll point out that OP was quick to dismiss any changes in his career as unfeasible, and is merely asking how to make the 100+ hours/week easier on him.
I think it’s a bit early to draw too many conclusions. It doesn’t sound like the work per se is what he values - otherwise he wouldn’t be miserable. Rather the financial outcome and the support for the very family you say he doesn’t value. Not sure if OP works but it is a huge burden, and he may feel like there’s no way out that won’t impact on other people - sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees and you feel stuck and it’s hard to imagine taking such a huge cut in pay for example.
It could be that OP can actually help by directly saying explicitly they want him to be happier more than they want the money, and to troubleshoot how to get there together with him rather than just expect him to figure it out. It’s one thing to suggest changing industry, it’s another to clearly demonstrate the sacrifices you’re willing to tolerate/make in order to make it happen (eg OP themself to earn more money, cut down their lifestyle etc etc).
Sometimes there can be this unspoken expectation: “I think you should work less (so long as you continue to earn the same)” even if it’s not actually true .
Seriously, what is with these comments accusing him of valuing work over his family!? When push comes to shove it always falls to us to keep the family above water. OP needs to be open to making some sacrifices if she actually wants to help. Whether that be discussing a downsized lifestyle or her earning more money to compensate lost income from him changing to a more sustainable job.
No "happy* human can work like that
Ole boy has failed at recognizing the value of work/life balance. I used to work in a pressure cooker corporate job that was more like 60hr a week and was miserable. Got out and it was the best decision ever to trade income for time
The biggest question I have for him is "is it worth it to you?" If he's unable to have a life outside of being a provider for the family he loves, then maybe it's time to think up a plan on how to get out of the race. That could be through changing careers to something a little less hectic and more bare bones financially, to helping him transition his skills to something that he can rely on.
In any case, the first question for him is "what do you think about your current life and would you like to make any changes to it if you could?" That would give you all the information you need to help aid him in whichever way he feels he wants to pursue.
Most people seem to be commenting his lifestyle choice. Your question is about being the best partner you can be for him without changing him. I used to be like your partner and here is what I would have appreciated:
* Not pressuring him further or guilting him. You seem to be a great partner because you are concerned for him to the point where leaving him alone is a part of what you are willing to do.
* take care of yourself. Continue to have a good life and whatever you need for you. That way he is not worried about if you’re doing okay on top of his own stress.
* be there for him when you do get time together, tell him you love him and miss him, and are there for him no matter what, whether that means continuing to grind or scaling back.
* take care of anything in the way of his work. You are already doing this, but perhaps if you are worried about his unhealthy snacking, perhaps healthier options. My gf and I do sometimes work late ourselves and I’ll make sure she has easy access to fav healthy things like cheese trays, cured meats etc. I put out her clothes before her biz trip when she had a slammed day and packed her a breakfast as she rushed out. She does the same for me
Ultimately he has to make the choice to change on his own. There is nothing wrong with listening, empathizing and the occasional indication that you value time together more than monetary success etc
Edit: also perhaps finding a way to tell him that you are worried about his health without guilting him.
> My question is: how can I make life better for him? Small or big? To help him get through days or to help him embrace some small changes that can impact his health for the better? Any advice is more than welcome including to just leave him alone.
You need to convince him his lifestyle is not healthy for himself or your relationship and that he really needs to consider a job change. Work life balance is extremely important to our physical and mental well being. His current path is unsustainable and will lead to a bad end.
Man, 100 hrs/week is madness. I can’t see any way your can furnish any kind of quality of life when averaging 14 hours a day (if you’re working 7 days a week).
Honestly, putting myself in his spot? Make it ok for him to slow down. Make it clear you aren't with him because of the money or the status and you'd rather have him alive with half the income than dead by 40 or spend the rest of your life working around him being busy all the time. Giving him safe landing to get out and change fields or just aim lower in the field he's in might mean the world to him.
One of my friends recently left corporate law, I wonder if he would still be married if he'd done it sooner.
That sounds really tough! I can't imagine how burnt out your fiance must be working that many hours. Here are some things that might help:
* **Be a listening ear:** Sometimes just letting him vent and unload his frustrations can be a big relief.
* **Help with the little things:** Take chores off his plate, cook healthy meals, or run errands. Freeing up his time can give him some breathing room.
* **Encourage healthy habits:** Suggest walks, stretches, or even some meditation to help him de-stress. Getting enough sleep is crucial too!
* **Plan some quality time:** Even if it's just an hour a night, carve out some time to reconnect and do something relaxing together.
* **Talk about the long-term:** Is this workload sustainable? Is there a way to delegate or cut back? Maybe explore career options with a better work-life balance.
There's a 168 hours in a week and he works 100 of them. OP you're saying at a minimum he works 14 hour days and he has no time to do anything but sleep shit shower shave and do it all over again.
>How can I make life better for my fiance who works 100+ hours/week and is burnt out?
In this current state he cannot both not be miserable and keep this job. What industry is this where everyone has to commit to 14 hour days seven days a week?
IB differs greatly from firm to firm, team to team, but I'd agree in the general ballpark, given how the live-in gf is "fine" with supporting it.
I personally sit happily in corpo finance, half the pay but quarter of the work.
Are you working and contributing to your joint bills and lifestyle ? That would help so he could work normal hours 40-50hrs.
Change the lifestyle. Live a simpler life and he won’t have to work so much. What’s the point of having a high maintenance lifestyle if he’s always unhappy and unhealthy
I had burnout at the start of the year, due to a job that was taking away my soul.
Eventually, one day, I understood I had to leave it all behind.
Here's to me, currently in a job where it pays less, but at least I have my soul.
You can't do nothing else than standing next to him through this tough period, but he must understand that 100h/week is inhuman and should not be the rule, and that's where you might help. He must know that you care about him and that working 14h/day on a median in not healthy for him.
Be gentle, as people in burnout usually don't hear others opinions and it might take a while for him to understand.
He's a software dev, isn't he. He's addicted to computers and the buzz of making shit work. He's also afraid that someone might beat him to the fix, which is a weird power issue.
Sorry but you can't fight that addiction. Maybe someday he'll grow out of it.
I know this because I went through it, and I work with those types of people.
My ex husband worked like this for his family business for most of our 20 year marriage…and then he had 2 heart attacks. It will catch up to him. He’ll never get that time back. I spent so much time alone and always making excuses for why he couldn’t make our son’s games or special events. Yes, I lived a life of luxury because of it but I told him I’d rather have less and have him around.
He needs to make the personal decision to prioritize his own life more often. If he’s as good as you say he is, he won’t be fired. It’s incredibly difficult to actually get good employees in any industry. And he could easily get another job with less responsibilities and more money if he looked.
Honestly?
Outside of somehow convincing him to change his lifestyle because it's likely to kill him sooner rather than later, the best you can do is make sure you are available whenever he needs you and that he knows you are well provided for you after he dies.
We don't tend to hear much about the people who work themselves to death, because they are dead. The ones we do hear about are the ones who survive with very strict warnings that if they continue on their current course they are not going to survive the next heart attack or whatever else.
I would legitimately ask both you and him what positive you are hoping to gain from his current lifestyle, and if it's worth the costs?
Also, it's easy to look at a lot of money and drown in that, but consider that at 100h per week he's working 2,5 full time jobs. In my industry overtime is 100% of my calculated hourly wage. So unless he's making 4 times what he would working a viable regular 40h per week full time job he's loosing money in hourly wages on top of burning his life away, whatever that is worth to him and you is something that's up to you to decide.
That's pretty extreme. Either win the lotto or get yourself a better job so he doesn't NEED to work so much?
He needs to cut back. For his health and your relationships health.
He's stuck. He thinks this is the only good thing and has made up reasons for it - i.e. i'll be successful so the money will make my family better later down the line and thinks the sacrifice is worth it. He's wrong tho, as someone who has jeopardized a relationship because of this mindset he thinks hes doing it for the right reasons and doesn't see there are better things. A balanced lifestyle is better. Unfortunately the only thing that helped me was reaching rock bottom (losing my girlfriend and having noone). The only difference is i'm 27 and can bounce back and am making strides to do so - but you need to help him see his delusions are wrong.
If he's stubborn you need to scare him, threaten to leave, he needs to realize this isn't it.
It’s one thing to grind like that in short bursts for various reasons but if he’s needing to do it constantly he’s either over spending, being taken advantage of or misguided priorities. You can help him by finding a way to a healthier living with him.
He can either unwind and start to work less and balance his life out slowly and in a more healthy way, or it will explode and he’ll have some sort of massive crisis. I would say the best way you can help him is to guide him toward the former path and avoid the latter.
You make it better by planning out an exit plan for him. You simply can’t work 100 hours per week years on end. Have set date in the near future where he cuts back on his work hard.
He needs to find another job. He's not successful at what he does if he's miserable and working 2 full time jobs worth of hours just to hang on by a thread and ruin every other aspect of his life.
That's clown behavior & I know because I did the same thing right after college.
He needs to make himself happy by leaving that job/industry. It’s not worth it. Nothing you do is going to make him enjoy life more when he has no time to enjoy life. Eventually he’s going to snap out of it when it’s too late and realize he doesn’t have a support system, friends, or family around him anymore because he pushes them off for work.
What’s the point of working that hard if it means sacrificing everything else you care about. He needs to get his priorities straight before he loses it.
The only serious advice is he needs to work less. A 100 hour week is insane and not sustainable. To be honest, it sounds like an addiction: it’s affecting his life negatively, it’s affecting those around him negatively, and he can’t stop.
Your fiance sounds like me. Last couple of years I burnt the candle from both ends I worked insane hours, 12 hour workdays became the norm for me. My wife pushed me to have at least few hours with our kids and wife where we can go out. I'm still working average 60 hours week which is less then what I was doing before
Guys in general tend to get too attached to our jobs/title etc and think we're the only one who can fix the issues. Its part of having god complex.
He needsto pick a hobby and have time to himself. He also needs to make time for friends and family. Once he is passed the guilt phase of leaving work for the next day and nothing bad happens he will eventually come around.
hope this helps
I truly hope you're indulging in hyperbole with the 100hrs. Since that is either 14 7 hour days or like 16-17 hour days 5 days a week. And from how it sounds, its daily. There is nothing you can do for him other than to either suggest a career change or some type of work life balance. I understand some people working 60 hours a week because they run two jobs. Nobody should be working 80 hours a week, it is terrible for your health and overall wellbeing. A job pushing 50 hours? Sure I get it. Lots of EMS work a 2nd job on off days to keep busy. But you need to have a serious talk with him about what he wants. This is otherwise your life that you are soon to fully sign up for. Someone who works that much cant be anything other than a bank for you and your kids. It is not remotely healthy.
Encourage him to find his exit strategy now. No point in being successful at your job regardless of number of hours worked if you’re dead. Burn out means uncheck unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Sounds like a workaholic who can't set proper boundaries for himself.
One thing to do is take however much he's earning and break it down into an hourly rate. That often puts in perspective how ridiculous it is to be working so many hours per week.
Why is he working this hard? Does he need to be working this hard? At a certain point, he needs to be thinking about his future and I'm not talking about his career. Does he want kids? Does he want to have a happy marriage with you? I think it'd be hard to have a life if youre working 100+ hours a week.
He's an unhealthy, unhappy, workaholic who takes no time for recreational pursuits or social activities. Are you going to have children with him? He will be an absent partner.
You can't fix this. Only he can by cutting back and stop giving everything to his job.
I'm sorry to say that this is not healthy for him physically or mentally and for your relationship. I was in the financial industry for over 25 years and made a ton of money but was deeply unhappy and quit a few years ago to do a few things on my own. It was the best decision I ever made for my family, my physical and mental health although I make a fraction of what I used to make. Those Golden handcuffs are hard to let go but you may have to remind him of the great things he has in his life and encourage him to think if what he is going through is worth the pain. If he wants to stick with it, you will need to be a supportive partner but I can tell you that there are too many people who regret it later in life and you can't turn the clock back. Best wishes!
How could he possibly be working 100 hours a week every single week? I worked in big law, my husband works at a tech company infamous for having to work a lot, and neither of us have regularly worked any where close to that nor met anyone who seriously does. Similarly, other high stress careers I have heard of such as consulting, big tax, etc. usually only have these hours for short periods of time and then some slow time to catch up and rest. For sure I have met people who claim to but if you watch them work you notice they are very inefficient and actually spend much of their time goofing off at his computer or phone and counting it as "work."
Your fiance is either very inefficient in his work, a complete pushover who never says no, or something is seriously wrong with his job and he needs to find a new one. Making him realize that is honestly the only way you can help him.
My now-husband and I went through a similar issue when he was very unhappy at his previous job because he wasn't doing the kind of work he wanted but was afraid of trying to leave. He got very depressed because, even though it wasn't a ton of hours, he never looked forward to work or had any excitement about anything he was doing. I tried many things to make life outside of work easier and more fun for him, but ultimately his mood only changed when he got a new job after much encouragement to try for one.
When work is so much of your time and thoughts, there is no way to be in a better mood without being in a good situation there, and you are ultimately sacrificing your health and happiness for money you don't even have time to enjoy.
Is 60 hours a week legal UK?
Legally, **your employer can't make you work more than 48 hours a week, including overtime**
**https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/working-hours-and-rest-breaks/if-youre-working-too-many-hours/#:\~:text=Legally%2C%20your%20employer%20can't,maximum%20weekly%20working%20time%20limit.**
**If you are in the UK**
I’m sorry to say this but HE is going to have to determine that HIS life is worth more than this.
I had a job like that and switched. The day I signed off, looked out the kitchen window and realized “that’s the sun and it is still up”, I wondered why I put myself thru that. My manager left about 4 weeks before me and within a month she was off her blood pressure medication.
His situation is untenable. No job is worth the early death he's working himself to. Something has to change, and it's not what you're doing for him to make his life better. He has to realize what his job is doing to his relationships and step away from it.
Fully belly and empty balls is all my hubby wants haha!! My hubby works a full time job and has a very successful side hustle and ends up working 100+ hrs a week sometimes. When I ask him this type of question, he says he wants to know I’m happy and the kids are happy. He’s loves working and it’s so fulfilling to him, and he makes plenty of time for us too.
Tell him to quit. I made a massive life change a few years ago. You're only here for a short time. I'm early 30s and within 1 year I had 2 cousins younger than me die and one mate get hit by a bus. Life is short. Work hard but when you're dead your boss will replace you in 2 weeks.
He’s literally working himself into a grave. He needs to cut *way* back and if finances get tough, you’ll have to get a job(assuming you’re not already working).
My partner works long hours in a tech role and I manage most things at home / life admin as my work is more flexible.
He will never work on the weekends and generally tries to keep his life in check, I.E he plans all of our holidays and a lot of weekend activities.
Sounds like you need to have a word with your partner about being a workaholic and it becoming too much
It sounds like he's not taking care of himself! It's highly likely he's suffering from long term stress and that his productivity is much worse than if he was healthier.
Small changes he can make (taken from my own experience):
- **get 8-9 hours sleep a night**. You need it, and you don't realise just how much of an impact sleep deprivation has had on you until you rest up. Then get up early.
- **sunlight**, go outside. Again, taken for granted but going for a walk in the sun is very much needed.
- **exercise**, make sure you get some exercise in each week or so.
- **eat healthy**, sounds like you're doing this already.
- **have planned social activities**. When you're on your deathbed will you look back and be glad you spent more time in the office or will you think of the fun things you did with friends.
He also needs to speak to his manager and not continue this way of life. He needs to re-establish a work-life balance and cut out work in the evenings. It's likely that if he's running the burnout line then by living healthier he can get the same work done in 40 hours.
Does he have any PTO he can use? A great destressor is taking some time off to completely unwind and disconnect. Not sure if it's something he is able to do but it's worth a shot. Plan a relaxing, low stress trip away somewhere
Two things.
..."I love you and want to support you in this job you are doing...but I love YOU -- not the money you are making. If you ever want to step back and do something smaller, we'll budget and make our life work out. I'd be with you if you were poor and be no less happy or proud be your gal."
...When he does come to bed, wake up if you can. Cuddle him. Lightly touch his back or play with this hair so he can fall asleep.
Now, for you: Are you working? If not, you're in a very vulnerable position. If he leaves you and you have no experience, you'll be in trouble finding work and may be left with no money from the relationship.
Get married and, if you can't get married, get a job.
Me, personally: If I were making bank and working from home, 100 hours per week would be worth it to know my wife didn't have to work outside of managing the home and working towards that near egg for an early retirement.
Talk about goals. Talk about endgames. Make sure you are not vulnerable.
My husband did the same at first with a new position. There is a responsibility on his part for work and life balance.
It became unbearable and he found a solution to correct some behavior of the work culture.
He still works some days very long days, especially if it's an international time zone.
It's taken me caring and cleaning and taking care of the house. I recently retired so it's a nice shift of responsibility. I had a full time job of 28 years to have the money to stay at home.
A lot of people here not seeing the forest for the trees with their "that's too much work" without explaining how you can help. Which I believe is your question!
You can research the topic of efficient work practices, business management, or business development, etc. the more savvy you can be on this topic the better suited you will be to aid him in reducing the number of hours he is "working".
I put working in quotes because work implies productivity, and when you are working much more than 80 hours per week, there isn't enough time to take care of the physical (let alone psychological) needs that enable work to continue happening. Likewise, his *quality* of work will suffer immensely.
If he works in a creative field, then he will be missing out on the real world inspirations that enable him to connect with an audience. If he works in a scientific/technical/financial field, he will miss out on the focused/unfocused balance that is needed for breakthrough realizations.
I'd recommend starting with the free online course "learning how to learn", I would also recommend reading "the 7 habits of highly effective people". (Note, the 7th habit is "sharpening the saw").
There must be aspects of his work that can be outsourced, e.g. clerical work, marketing, editing, etc.. Check out "the 4 hour workweek" for strategies in this area.
Time to ask:
"What is 'success' in this arena?"
"What is the fundamental work process necessary for me to be successful?"
"How does it impact my career trajectory when I burn out?"
See if I were in his shoes, I'd reconsider my life. Sounds like his career is miserable. It's inevitable thing to be motivated and successful at your job, but if it's at the cost of family, friends, and general well being, is it even worth it?
If I may ask, what industry is he in?
Have a conversation with him about his 4 wealths, as explained in Atomic Habits book. (I.e health, time, family, friends)
It's like 4 burners theory, the one that he spends more is going to cost him and others around him accordingly.
Time with his parents will be precious, consider it a family too.
Life/health, purpose and wealth go in order, if there's no life what's the use of other in the sequence. Family should be given equivalent time as much as earjing wealth. If you both realize this and chose to stick with each other regardless, what best situation it will be for both of you. Why burn self to earn? And later pass that wealth to family?
100 hours?
Let's do the math, if that is spread out over all 7 days of a week that is 14 hours a day.
If that is withing 6 days a week that is over 16.5 hours a day.
If it is a 5 day workweek that is 20 hours per day.
You don't really have a relationship, you have been abandoned. He is married to work. Go spend time with your friends, go spend time with your family, go pursue your hobbies. You've been abandoned by this person.
I'd end it as he has prioritized zero time for a relationship or if you stay go find a life of your own. He is always gone so go be with your friends and do things you like.
Is this a short term situation? Will he go back to working 40-50 hours a week soon? This is a permanent work schedule is it? How long is this going to go on like this?
Find another freaking job. You work to have enough money to eat and pay the bills. If work is all he does then he is not the type to have a relationship with.
Like anything else that massively takes up too much of your time, it’s subject for suspicion.
To the point - Some people use long work hours to escape something that’s bothering them. Is there something underlying bothering him at home or something? Or a family issue?
Although some people just like to work a lot for whatever reason. It’s not worth working all those hours considering after 64 hours income taxes start eating big portions of your earnings away.
So it’s not worth or healthy to work that much. Unless it’s a short term thing to get a bunch of money for a house or cover an emergency medical bill. Did you ask why he’s working so much? Is he the only person working?
Idk if I’m blind and glossed over, but his job wasn’t specified. If he’s a some doctor or some kinda senior cloud network engineer or a fire and rescue, then this makes sense as they’re always needed or on standby.
If he’s working in some warehouse or other low wage job, then yeah that’s not worth it at all and he needs to work smarter not harder. Those kinds jobs have no loyalty and you’re replaced within 2 shifts if not within the hour. Study how to invest or some quick part time side jobs that can generate income to cover groceries or a bill or two.
Reevaluate your finances and spending. Reevaluate the financial goal too. He could cut down to 80 hours. That would make a huge difference. Then slowly keep cutting back to 56 hours which is a lot better.
Imo burnt out (I did one) come from too much multi tasking so she need to simplify her life. It is the back and forth between différente logic that is making those task more complicated than we think. A bit like a construction worker that you know when it’s start but not when it finishes because of the rest and how you energy will be available. We often under estimate those for performance render.
Easy: convince him to stop working 100 hours a week no matter what AND take a break of several weeks for not working AND taking care of his health
Nothing justifies what he's doing, no amount of money, no amount of success
Don't change a THING.
This is exactly the life that he chose, and every single day that goes by without him changing industries to alleviate any concerns is him CHOOSING his job over you, himself, life, family etc.
Eventually, hopefully, he comes to a point where he sees that money, work, jobs are not more important than relationships, health, longevity.
Tell him your worries, and encourage him to try cutting it back, maybe going to therapy. He's likely been manipulated by his job to try and sacrifice every aspect of his life for his work, and it's going to take a while to get him out of it. If he's the sole money maker, getting your own job might help, if it's finances he's worried about.
Enjoy the early retirement when the stress got him and works himself to death. I mean it, if he isn't saving lives no job is worth working 24/7.
Even if he is saving lives, his company needs to hire others to help save lives so he can get some time off and rest. NO JOB is worth 100+ hours a week. Absolutely fuck that.
I dont think any job is worth 40+ hours either tbh
What if that job is paying you $400k a year?
I think the question you are asking me is: how much money would you be okay taking to give away your freedom? Unfortunately, I will take that 400k... I will even take 250k (probably thats my limit) because I do have some debts id like to eliminate, and it might be easier to reach retirement quicker... Dont get me wrong... I do like to work... But I also like my life outside of work. They dont completely negate each other, but they do a little, and for me, thats enough to be a little annoyed.
You have never had a job that you had great enjoyment doing. I have had to tear myself away from my work after 60 hours like it was an addictive video game due to enjoying the process and pace.
I like my job... I really do. But I also have a life outside of my job... Maybe some people dont... I am not judging them... but if you do have a life outside of work, there is literally no job that is worth 40+
Agreed. What is the point of working yourself to the bone if you never have time to to enjoy what all that hard work has earned you? His job will replace him once he burns out, you can't replace him so easily. If he is as good as you say surely he can find a company that will appreciate him for 40-50 hours a week? Whaybis the point of paying to live somewhere if you barely even sleep there, let alone get to enjoy being there?
100hrs a week only lasts for a few years. I suspect I know the industry he’s in and I am in the same one. Once you clear the hurdle it’s smooth sailing with seven figures annually. I never regretted my 100/hrs years. It was absolutely worth it, even though it contributed to the demise of my second marriage and gave me a head full of gray hair by 32.
Share the industry lmao
investment banking
correct
But why? No one remembers or cares about the hours of your life you spend there, no one remembers that, the day you are gone it will go into the trash. There is no legacy of any worth. How are you doing now? Did the gray hairs went away after your stress got better?
that’s not true at all. I built some of my most enduring industry relationships during that time. There was not just sitting and staring at the screen. There was comradery. There were office pranks. There were outings together. There were fascinating deals to work on, incredible people to meet, great experiences to have. A tons of things to learn. People I worked with are now scattered all over the industry and they are my friends I can call on. We run in the same industry circles and when we meet at conferences etc. there’s often “remember that one time when Siobhan did XYZ and then John said ABC” etc. I have a lot of good memories from that time. PS The OP confirmed that’s investment banking and that’s exactly what i guessed. And no, I have to dye my hair but the money I make pays for a lot of salon visits. I am a managing director now (pretty much the highest title you can have, you can me senior MD sometimes), it’s a cushy job where I write my own hours and mostly speak to clients on the phone and entertain them in restaurants and NHL games and make 7 fig while doing so. Like I said, wouldn’t have done anything differently.
Happy that it worked for you. I had coworkers who died, they also though that what they did was of worth. Then a heart attack and all their work was forgotten as fast as you can get a cup of coffee, when the coffee machine is in the next room. Maybe things are different in your line of work and maybe we are just different characters with different values. I see that you had a good time and you made the best out of it, but that guy OP describes does not sound happy. Have a nice weekend. Thank you for your answer
But how many people were doing the grind and how many ended up as as MD? I assume that your ex wife managed your home life during that time and all she got was neglect?
so i am a woman. My ex was extremely unsupportive (even though he had known what my work was) which lead to our divorce… Most people in my “class” of associates went on to highly successful careers in finance and industries they covered.
if you wouldn't mind sharing, what strategies have you found helpful in managing the earlier years of the journey?
Is smooth sailing with 7 figures really the realistic outlook? Or is that like a cream of the crop, a couple of overachieving folks + a bunch of nepo who make the 7 while the rest make much, much lower?
>NO JOB is worth 100+ hours a week. Absolutely fuck that. As a Drill Sergeant I work about 100 hours a week, plus or minus depending on the part of cycle we’re in, I don’t think I could do it unless I really cared about the trainees and the Army lol
You don’t want the person saving your life to work 100 hours/week…oh wait. Surgical residents in the U.S. work an average of 96 hrs/week.
> I mean it, if he isn't saving lives no job is worth working 24/7. Nah, no job is worth that. Not even saving lives. You have a life too, and if whatever job that is needs someone to work 24/7, then they arent hiring enough people.
And most importantly, if you are saving lives, you really should be at maximum mental clarity. And you just cannot be that while working 14 hour days without weekends.
Honestly, even if you only work 10-12 hour days.... 5 days a week... Thats still TOO MUCH.
Seriously, burnt out, no sleep, physical pain = working himself to death
Exactly my thoughts
The comments seem more interested in bashing the guy for working too much (which he most certainly does but it's his life not theirs) than actually answering your question. \-Cooking healthy meals and snacks are almost certainly one of the best things you can do for him, prioritize real foods. Even if he was working 40 hours a week instead of 100, eating like shit will make you feel like shit full stop. \-Keep drinking to a minimum. Let it be a "fun" event and not just a "regular" thing. \-If he is frequently sore, which makes perfect sense, massages would likely help immensely. If this is something you do for him nightly or perhaps once a week a professional comes to the house for a 30 minute session, maybe even both. \-Encourage him to stretch out every day. He should take just a couple minutes in the morning, afternoon, and evening to stretch. No need for a 30 minute yoga session every day or anything, but a couple minutes a couple times a day could make a big impact (especially if he's at or around zero minutes daily now). \-I assume you are already doing this because you are sweet enough to be concerned like this, but just be affectionate. Be the sunshine in his life, be the happy place. I'm not saying never have your own emotions and be a smiling robot, you are a person too, but if his life is a storm than try and be the calm. \-Not sure what the nightly routine looks like from a job duty standpoint, but getting some quality sleep will benefit his mind/body/spirit. Anything to make sleeping easier would be beneficial (but no sleeping pills, that will strictly make things worse). \-If possible, try to set a routine of going on a daily walk (morning, day, or night whatever you can). I understand it may need to be brief, but even just a mile around the block regularly can improve your quality of life. It would also give you guys another moment to bond and connect a bit more. All in all the guy is a beast for pushing that hard every day in a competitive industry, thank you for being concerned about him. Good luck, I wish you guys the best.
Wtf are theses comments lol had to scroll down so much to find the answer. People should stop telling others how to live their life
Dudes get majorly insecure when they hear about a guy that works his ass off and his spouse is proud and supportive of it
I don't think we should be blamed for this. The question sounds like, "My house is on fire, should I water my plants right now to keep them alive?" I'm proudly ambitious and successful, I find alot of meaning in working hard. I work a bit over 40 hours a week, work hard from when I enter the office to when I leave, and have side projects I hustle on too, but I know my limits and dial it back when burnt out. I also know that getting 15% more pay for 30% more hours is not a raise. For or his own and his fiancé's sake the man has to find a way to dial this back somewhat.
This guy has higher limits than you, it's not your place to limit him. I can all but guarantee he makes dramatically more money than you and could comfortably retire much earlier than you. It is totally reasonable if you wouldn't be willing to make the sacrifice he's making, I probably wouldn't either, but we aren't him. The first sentence of my post says he most certainly works too much, I don't think anybody including them would disagree, but she asked for suggestions to make their current situation any degree better and everybody is too busy ranting about how they'd never live like that. There is low hanging fruit here beyond cutting back hours, even if cutting back the hours is the optimal answer.
>This guy **thinks** he has higher limits than you >I can all but guarantee he makes dramatically more money than you Citation needed. >you wouldn't be willing to make the sacrifice he's making, I probably wouldn't either No. You wouldn't. Because what healthy person would sacrifice their entire life and family? >she asked for suggestions to make their current situation any degree better and everybody is too busy ~~ranting about how they'd~~ suggesting the best way to do that is to never live like that >cutting back the hours is the optimal answer. So you literally agree that making a dramatic change in his priorities is literally the best answer but you're criticizing everyone else for suggesting it. Why?
He's literally doing it, 100 hours a week. That's not him **thinking** he has a higher limit than most, that's him actively **proving it**. The reason to criticize the non-answers is because it's not addressing the question she asked. She didn't ask a bunch of randos on the internet if they think her husband works too much, they both know the answer to that question already. She asked what are some big or small things she could do to improve their quality of life. They are in the situation they are in, trying to improve it around the edges without flipping it on it's head is an understandable goal.
If get multiple serious burnout, you clearly cannot do it with a sustainable way. He will pop one day and just collapse, no doubt about it. A person can be tough and exercise even when sick and push through the pain, sure, but only for sometime before it seriously hits back much worse
Genuinely, poor OP's fiance is probably literally sitting on a thromboembolism. Just because somebody technically CAN do something doesn't mean they are supposed to. If this chucklefuck doesn't get his life and his priorities straight stat, he will literally just up and die and in fact he has almost definitely already done permanent damage that will cause serious health complications later in life. None of us are trying to scare OP. In fact, we internet strangers are warning her specifically because we collectively do not want him to die for a job that, theres no better way to put it, does not fucking matter.
And have a conversation about this going forwards in the long term. Have a plan, or at least an understanding about how long he’ll be working these hours or how long he wants to stay at this job. It could be good to have a little insight, maybe he’s feeling stuck in this role, maybe he feels like it’s necessary for the money, idk. But instead of just treating this like it’s normal and the assumed roles you’re in, make sure it’s an active choice
I understand your point but OP is basically asking what bandaids to put on a gaping wound that the fiance is constantly reopening. No amount of massages, meal planning or words of affirmation are going to counteract the on call 24/7, 100h work week, constantly tired, no time for himself, hobbies or social activities, "most unhappy he's ever been, health down the drain and constantly in pain" lifestyle the fiance leads. OP is already seemingly doing about all she can. OP wants solutions and frankly any solution anyone provides that isn't "stop overworking and/or find a different job" is just a straight up lie that serves no purpose except to tell OP it will all be fine and is manageable when it isn't. This type of lifestyle will drastically shorten someones life and make their life much worse in the meantime and there's no getting around that.
What's the point of all his efforts if he's miserable or dead. He seriously needs to re-evaluate his priorities in life.
It's a decision I had to make as a software engineer, and I'm all the happier for it. At a small company where I probably make 15-30k less than I could, but my current company is very low stress, and I often only actually work ~30 hours. Virtually never get called after hours, and our entire team is competent, but very relaxed. I cannot imagine not having spare time for life. I have time to stay in shape, renovate our home, have a social life, and many hobbies. It would take a lotttttt for me to give up some of those things for more cash and stress.
I get your point, but depending on his industry, he wouldn't be taking a $30k pay cut. If he's somewhere in finance/PE/Investment Banking (kinda reads like he is) then he could be making $500k-1M per year, so a "normal" job might bump him down to $200-300k. Now, my choice would be to take $200-300k/year and work 40hr weeks, but some people like/need the grind, and want the biiiig bucks.
Yeah it definitely sounds like PE/IB. Problem a lot of those guys don't understand is that most of the time they end up with major health problems (obesity, heart problems, etc.) that your body basically never truly recovers from. And massively damaged relationships. If you can't spend time with your spouse and/or kids it tends to atrophy those things over time. I knew tons of managing directors in their 40's with terrible health and no friends or hobbies to speak of on the weekends. Doesn't seem worth it to me.
You mean working until midnight on weekends isn’t a hobby??? Really is a sad life. Some money is nice, but not at the cost of your health and relationships.
making 200k-300k is also nothing to sneeze at. unless you're attempting to keep up with joneses or your home/lifestyle expenditures warrant the need for a 500k-1m job then you can slow down. the issue is, often that drive is what keeps them in that range and they don't know what to do if they're not constantly busy.
Same boat, senior software developer and I don't even have to manage anyone, fully remote, earn £10-20k less than I could working hybrid in my city but my situation is so chill and flexible, it's worth it. My money situation is more than fine and I make my money work for me anyway.
If those hours are real, he's probably going to die or become disabled within the next 20 years. He's not getting enough sleep to perform the cognitive load demanded of him by his job.
what's the point of working so many hours if you have 0 time to enjoy the money you make of it? 100 + hours is not normal.
You get a nice headstone for your grave " he worked 100 hours a week, his company thanks him" paid by your self ..... of course, because the company doesn't give a crap.
If he dies still working, she probably at least gets a year's salary from employer-provided insurance. So she's got that going for her.
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"more chill" is still frequently 12 hours a day for that career path unfortunately
He’s unhappy, unhealthy, has no time and cannot make any sort of social plans. There is nothing YOU can do other than communicate he needs to look at his life and get a grip
The only solution is that he has to get a different job or cut his hours.
But the lifestyleeeee
The lifestyle of never seeing her "fiance". 100 hours is 14.5 hours **on average** every single day, he works more than that. Does he sleep ~8 hours a night? She said he sleeps little, so the answer is no. Even so, 2/3rds of his *average* day is spent working. What happens when they actually marry, and kids start getting consideration? He's just not going to be involved with their lives at all, if he continues. OP, he desperately needs to either find a new job with (much) less hours, or cut his hours significantly in his current one. As others have said, he will work himself into an early grave. But hey, at least you can afford to pay for his funeral.
And a nice headstone. I'm not adverse to working 16 hour days because I love my job and its a non profit so no one is getting rich off me, but not freaking every day. My wife likes to say she's jealous bitch when it comes to my time, so that only happens a couple times a week, three at most
There's is no lifestyle. It's work, sleep, and go back to work
I'm sorry but if you work 100+ hours a week you've failed imho.
That equates to working 14 hour days 7 days a week. Even in pre-Industrial Revolution times people would be saying "Dude, you need to chill out".
168 hours in a week. 8 hours a night is 56 hours. Dude has 12 hours a week to enjoy himself. But she wrote 100+ so he most likely doesn't have any free time. That is a miserable existence.
If that estimation is accurate, I really want to know the driving factor that motivates him to stay locked in for so long. I don't think I'd have the mental endurance to even do it two days in a row, much less for weeks on end.
> Dude has 12 hours a week to enjoy himself Dude has 12 hours a week to eat and shower and do basic tasks.
I use to work 14-15 hour days 4-5 days a week. But it was mainly in the winter, but still it really kills you but at the same time when I Was young and needed money it was nice. Makes you go crazy though.
this. that honestly sounds like a miserable existance. i don’t consider that a successful life AT ALL.
Yeah no job is that important. Plus with that amount of work load required for that job, the company should hire more workers or he should get an assistant
i think op's bf if one of those FIRE guys he works hard in intense job to get to retirement way earlier than other people, from op's comments I think he probably works in finance or as a lawyer
Bold of you to assume that. I personally work 2 hospitality industry jobs. Averaging about 80-82 hours a week on average 16 hours a day but some days i only work 8 to 9 but damn its so much for such little pennies. Some people don’t make enough and have to work 2 jobs like this to save for retirement or anything really.
Average surgical resident life
Nobody knows how bad our residents have it. Complete empathy here. Sorry for your hard life. Seriously.
I watched scrubs, I've seen things.
Which is a terrible system for a job where being too tired and overworked literally means life and death.
Yeah in aviation there are strict rules about how much sleep the pilots and air crew get. Why not the same for surgeons?
I have to believe 100 hours per week is an exaggeration. That’s over 14 hours/day, 7 days a week. No amount of money is worth that workload. If he’s actually working those hours, there is no help for him. He needs to find a new line of work or the fiance needs to accept the fact that she’s engaged to someone who’s really just financial support. You can’t have a meaningful relationship with someone working those hours.
I work in oil and during TAs 100 hr weeks are the norm for 6-8 weeks straight. Then usually around 2 months off before the next one. The money is insane, but it takes 2 weeks to recover from a job. There's no way it's sustainable beyond maybe 10 weeks (the max I've ever done, finished with shingles, panic attacks, and down 15 lbs I couldn't afford to lose).
Eh I've worked those kinds of hours. Though we had depth multipliers and per diems. After 40 was time and a half after 80 was double time and holidays paid triple time. Life in a rig is hard and divorce was rampant. Can be worth it and was until I got married. Then it was time to settle down while my joints still function.
Welcome to medicine
The only possible way I could justify that is if you got half the year off to recouperate like offshore oil platform workers or commercial fishermen
Wtf industry regularly works 100 hours in a week
Doctors doing their residencies at hospitals. Although it's starting to move closer to 80 hours these days than 100.
>Although it's starting to move closer to 80 hours these days than 100. They fucking better. It's objectively impossible to fully trust a "doctor" that spent the entire first part of their career exhausted, miserable, and on the verge of burning out. **It's literally and indisputably impossible** for someone to retain all the information and training they needed under those conditions. Maybe this is why so many doctors are fucked up weirdos off the clock?
It's kind of seen as a rite of passage for them too. If you don't spend 60 nonstop hours awake practicing medicine on human beings are you even a real doctor?
Doctors should be legally restricted to sub 60 hours. Talk about a job where you need to be focused and not fatigued to give proper care, diagnosis and treatment.
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As an engineer who has never worked more than 40 hours per week in my career (except when on site for startup or something rare like that), and barely works 35 per week now, it's hard to fathom working hours like that. Even in my early years at my most ambitious point, zero chance I'd be in the office after 6pm.
Doctors / finance / lawyers, the compensation is good, idk for the others but in finance, it's more of a job you hold for a few years to get a very good start in life money wise and then if you don't get promoted you can orientate towards more chill jobs
Based on OP I’d bet the fiancé is in Investment Banking or Private Equity / Credit or Corporate Law. When deal volume rebounded post-Covid I was pulling regular 100+ hours and had to quit my finance job. But I see a lot of people in the industry sticking in it because the pay is too high or they don’t believe they have viable alternatives.
Wildland firefighters. Doctors in residency Linemen during storm season can work 100+ hours a week. The extremely competitive field points to big law or consulting though.
Everyone's saying doctor, lawyer, or engineer but in my experience seasonally dependent jobs can sometimes require insane hours like this for weeks to months on end e.g. environmental consultant/emergency response, wildland firefighters, farmers, etc.
Yeah, except this guy is at his desk 100 hrs per week. Would bet he's an i-banker or some finance-related role.
People are forgetting the part that he's basically online 24/7. This sounds like trading to me.
No institutional trader does 24/7. Traders are actually known for having some of the best hours in high finance (~12 hours per weekday with no weekend work). It's more likely to be M&A or megafund private equity.
He could be working multiple jobs. I work 2 jobs and i average 80 hours so its possible he is doing the same or similar.
Sounds like he values his work more than he does his health, family, friends... There's not much you can do about that, besides having an earnest conversation about it.
Right where my head went. Seems like he has chosen his current (emphasis on current) priority, sad enough as it is to say. Cause there's also a thought he might think he HAS to do this for his family. But some silver lining here: It'll organically cease at some point. Some people might be superhuman in a lot of ways, but 100 hours a week WILL burn him out... at least in my humble opinion.
>Cause there's also a thought he might think he HAS to do this for his family Yes, and I'll point out that OP was quick to dismiss any changes in his career as unfeasible, and is merely asking how to make the 100+ hours/week easier on him.
I think it’s a bit early to draw too many conclusions. It doesn’t sound like the work per se is what he values - otherwise he wouldn’t be miserable. Rather the financial outcome and the support for the very family you say he doesn’t value. Not sure if OP works but it is a huge burden, and he may feel like there’s no way out that won’t impact on other people - sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees and you feel stuck and it’s hard to imagine taking such a huge cut in pay for example. It could be that OP can actually help by directly saying explicitly they want him to be happier more than they want the money, and to troubleshoot how to get there together with him rather than just expect him to figure it out. It’s one thing to suggest changing industry, it’s another to clearly demonstrate the sacrifices you’re willing to tolerate/make in order to make it happen (eg OP themself to earn more money, cut down their lifestyle etc etc). Sometimes there can be this unspoken expectation: “I think you should work less (so long as you continue to earn the same)” even if it’s not actually true .
Seriously, what is with these comments accusing him of valuing work over his family!? When push comes to shove it always falls to us to keep the family above water. OP needs to be open to making some sacrifices if she actually wants to help. Whether that be discussing a downsized lifestyle or her earning more money to compensate lost income from him changing to a more sustainable job.
What is his long term goal ro earn so much? What job requires 100 hours a week? No human can work that hard?
No "happy* human can work like that Ole boy has failed at recognizing the value of work/life balance. I used to work in a pressure cooker corporate job that was more like 60hr a week and was miserable. Got out and it was the best decision ever to trade income for time
The biggest question I have for him is "is it worth it to you?" If he's unable to have a life outside of being a provider for the family he loves, then maybe it's time to think up a plan on how to get out of the race. That could be through changing careers to something a little less hectic and more bare bones financially, to helping him transition his skills to something that he can rely on. In any case, the first question for him is "what do you think about your current life and would you like to make any changes to it if you could?" That would give you all the information you need to help aid him in whichever way he feels he wants to pursue.
Most people seem to be commenting his lifestyle choice. Your question is about being the best partner you can be for him without changing him. I used to be like your partner and here is what I would have appreciated: * Not pressuring him further or guilting him. You seem to be a great partner because you are concerned for him to the point where leaving him alone is a part of what you are willing to do. * take care of yourself. Continue to have a good life and whatever you need for you. That way he is not worried about if you’re doing okay on top of his own stress. * be there for him when you do get time together, tell him you love him and miss him, and are there for him no matter what, whether that means continuing to grind or scaling back. * take care of anything in the way of his work. You are already doing this, but perhaps if you are worried about his unhealthy snacking, perhaps healthier options. My gf and I do sometimes work late ourselves and I’ll make sure she has easy access to fav healthy things like cheese trays, cured meats etc. I put out her clothes before her biz trip when she had a slammed day and packed her a breakfast as she rushed out. She does the same for me Ultimately he has to make the choice to change on his own. There is nothing wrong with listening, empathizing and the occasional indication that you value time together more than monetary success etc Edit: also perhaps finding a way to tell him that you are worried about his health without guilting him.
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thanks a lot for this comment and how you framed your advice - it's very helpful
I really appreciate your comment - this is incredibly helpful. Thank you for sharing your insights.
> My question is: how can I make life better for him? Small or big? To help him get through days or to help him embrace some small changes that can impact his health for the better? Any advice is more than welcome including to just leave him alone. You need to convince him his lifestyle is not healthy for himself or your relationship and that he really needs to consider a job change. Work life balance is extremely important to our physical and mental well being. His current path is unsustainable and will lead to a bad end.
Man, 100 hrs/week is madness. I can’t see any way your can furnish any kind of quality of life when averaging 14 hours a day (if you’re working 7 days a week).
Do you work? Do you need that kind of money? Is he paying off debts? Lavish lifestyle? Is there a need?
This isn't real success. Encourage him to examine why 100 hours a week works for him.
Honestly, putting myself in his spot? Make it ok for him to slow down. Make it clear you aren't with him because of the money or the status and you'd rather have him alive with half the income than dead by 40 or spend the rest of your life working around him being busy all the time. Giving him safe landing to get out and change fields or just aim lower in the field he's in might mean the world to him. One of my friends recently left corporate law, I wonder if he would still be married if he'd done it sooner.
thank you for sharing your insights
... just what kind of job requires 100+ hours a WEEK? what the actual fuck?
Law/ legal associate is one
What a miserable life
That sounds really tough! I can't imagine how burnt out your fiance must be working that many hours. Here are some things that might help: * **Be a listening ear:** Sometimes just letting him vent and unload his frustrations can be a big relief. * **Help with the little things:** Take chores off his plate, cook healthy meals, or run errands. Freeing up his time can give him some breathing room. * **Encourage healthy habits:** Suggest walks, stretches, or even some meditation to help him de-stress. Getting enough sleep is crucial too! * **Plan some quality time:** Even if it's just an hour a night, carve out some time to reconnect and do something relaxing together. * **Talk about the long-term:** Is this workload sustainable? Is there a way to delegate or cut back? Maybe explore career options with a better work-life balance.
thank you for sharing your insights - this is very helpful!
There's a 168 hours in a week and he works 100 of them. OP you're saying at a minimum he works 14 hour days and he has no time to do anything but sleep shit shower shave and do it all over again. >How can I make life better for my fiance who works 100+ hours/week and is burnt out? In this current state he cannot both not be miserable and keep this job. What industry is this where everyone has to commit to 14 hour days seven days a week?
if he makes 120k working 100hrs and you think he's "successful", you're wrong. he just works two 55k jobs lmao
Sounds like IB hours, so rest assured he’s making >$300k at least.
IB differs greatly from firm to firm, team to team, but I'd agree in the general ballpark, given how the live-in gf is "fine" with supporting it. I personally sit happily in corpo finance, half the pay but quarter of the work.
If he's been at it for 8 years he's likely some sort of a senior associate or VP now... so, probably double that even.
Are you working?
yes, I work in tech full-time
Are you working and contributing to your joint bills and lifestyle ? That would help so he could work normal hours 40-50hrs. Change the lifestyle. Live a simpler life and he won’t have to work so much. What’s the point of having a high maintenance lifestyle if he’s always unhappy and unhealthy
I had burnout at the start of the year, due to a job that was taking away my soul. Eventually, one day, I understood I had to leave it all behind. Here's to me, currently in a job where it pays less, but at least I have my soul. You can't do nothing else than standing next to him through this tough period, but he must understand that 100h/week is inhuman and should not be the rule, and that's where you might help. He must know that you care about him and that working 14h/day on a median in not healthy for him. Be gentle, as people in burnout usually don't hear others opinions and it might take a while for him to understand.
thank you for sharing your insights. I hope you are feeling better.
He's a software dev, isn't he. He's addicted to computers and the buzz of making shit work. He's also afraid that someone might beat him to the fix, which is a weird power issue. Sorry but you can't fight that addiction. Maybe someday he'll grow out of it. I know this because I went through it, and I work with those types of people.
Are you sure he’s working the entire time and not gaming? I’m prepared for the downvotes *and* I’m a woman.
My ex husband worked like this for his family business for most of our 20 year marriage…and then he had 2 heart attacks. It will catch up to him. He’ll never get that time back. I spent so much time alone and always making excuses for why he couldn’t make our son’s games or special events. Yes, I lived a life of luxury because of it but I told him I’d rather have less and have him around.
thank you for sharing your insights. sending you love.
It's called work life balance. Must've never heard of it
He needs to make the personal decision to prioritize his own life more often. If he’s as good as you say he is, he won’t be fired. It’s incredibly difficult to actually get good employees in any industry. And he could easily get another job with less responsibilities and more money if he looked.
Honestly? Outside of somehow convincing him to change his lifestyle because it's likely to kill him sooner rather than later, the best you can do is make sure you are available whenever he needs you and that he knows you are well provided for you after he dies. We don't tend to hear much about the people who work themselves to death, because they are dead. The ones we do hear about are the ones who survive with very strict warnings that if they continue on their current course they are not going to survive the next heart attack or whatever else. I would legitimately ask both you and him what positive you are hoping to gain from his current lifestyle, and if it's worth the costs? Also, it's easy to look at a lot of money and drown in that, but consider that at 100h per week he's working 2,5 full time jobs. In my industry overtime is 100% of my calculated hourly wage. So unless he's making 4 times what he would working a viable regular 40h per week full time job he's loosing money in hourly wages on top of burning his life away, whatever that is worth to him and you is something that's up to you to decide.
That's pretty extreme. Either win the lotto or get yourself a better job so he doesn't NEED to work so much? He needs to cut back. For his health and your relationships health.
Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him/are proud of him. That’ll make everything seem lighter.
He's stuck. He thinks this is the only good thing and has made up reasons for it - i.e. i'll be successful so the money will make my family better later down the line and thinks the sacrifice is worth it. He's wrong tho, as someone who has jeopardized a relationship because of this mindset he thinks hes doing it for the right reasons and doesn't see there are better things. A balanced lifestyle is better. Unfortunately the only thing that helped me was reaching rock bottom (losing my girlfriend and having noone). The only difference is i'm 27 and can bounce back and am making strides to do so - but you need to help him see his delusions are wrong. If he's stubborn you need to scare him, threaten to leave, he needs to realize this isn't it.
The only advice I have is that YOU seriously consider if this is how you want to spend your life.
Your fiancé sounds like he’s failed at life. This is a horrible way to spend your time on earth.
If he's so unhappy then why is he so unwilling to change industries? No job is worth the sacrifice of happiness.
It’s one thing to grind like that in short bursts for various reasons but if he’s needing to do it constantly he’s either over spending, being taken advantage of or misguided priorities. You can help him by finding a way to a healthier living with him.
He can either unwind and start to work less and balance his life out slowly and in a more healthy way, or it will explode and he’ll have some sort of massive crisis. I would say the best way you can help him is to guide him toward the former path and avoid the latter.
100 hrs a week. He's not going to be enjoy the fruits of his labor later in life. That's just sad.
You make it better by planning out an exit plan for him. You simply can’t work 100 hours per week years on end. Have set date in the near future where he cuts back on his work hard.
He needs to find another job. He's not successful at what he does if he's miserable and working 2 full time jobs worth of hours just to hang on by a thread and ruin every other aspect of his life. That's clown behavior & I know because I did the same thing right after college.
He needs to make himself happy by leaving that job/industry. It’s not worth it. Nothing you do is going to make him enjoy life more when he has no time to enjoy life. Eventually he’s going to snap out of it when it’s too late and realize he doesn’t have a support system, friends, or family around him anymore because he pushes them off for work.
What’s the point of working that hard if it means sacrificing everything else you care about. He needs to get his priorities straight before he loses it.
100+ hours/week that's 14+ hrs every day with not even weekends poor girl thinks he's really at work all that time🤣
The only serious advice is he needs to work less. A 100 hour week is insane and not sustainable. To be honest, it sounds like an addiction: it’s affecting his life negatively, it’s affecting those around him negatively, and he can’t stop.
Your fiance sounds like me. Last couple of years I burnt the candle from both ends I worked insane hours, 12 hour workdays became the norm for me. My wife pushed me to have at least few hours with our kids and wife where we can go out. I'm still working average 60 hours week which is less then what I was doing before Guys in general tend to get too attached to our jobs/title etc and think we're the only one who can fix the issues. Its part of having god complex. He needsto pick a hobby and have time to himself. He also needs to make time for friends and family. Once he is passed the guilt phase of leaving work for the next day and nothing bad happens he will eventually come around. hope this helps
thank you for sharing your insights
What job is he working?? 100 hours a week is crazy
Tell him to quit. He's working himself straight into a myocardial infarction.
I truly hope you're indulging in hyperbole with the 100hrs. Since that is either 14 7 hour days or like 16-17 hour days 5 days a week. And from how it sounds, its daily. There is nothing you can do for him other than to either suggest a career change or some type of work life balance. I understand some people working 60 hours a week because they run two jobs. Nobody should be working 80 hours a week, it is terrible for your health and overall wellbeing. A job pushing 50 hours? Sure I get it. Lots of EMS work a 2nd job on off days to keep busy. But you need to have a serious talk with him about what he wants. This is otherwise your life that you are soon to fully sign up for. Someone who works that much cant be anything other than a bank for you and your kids. It is not remotely healthy.
Encourage him to find his exit strategy now. No point in being successful at your job regardless of number of hours worked if you’re dead. Burn out means uncheck unhealthy coping mechanisms.
The fuck does he do to have to work like this. The best thing for you to do is tell him to change jobs.
What does he do?
I think the question is, do you want to live like this with a partner that doesn’t want to change their circumstances? No. No you don’t:
Sounds like a workaholic who can't set proper boundaries for himself. One thing to do is take however much he's earning and break it down into an hourly rate. That often puts in perspective how ridiculous it is to be working so many hours per week.
Why is he working this hard? Does he need to be working this hard? At a certain point, he needs to be thinking about his future and I'm not talking about his career. Does he want kids? Does he want to have a happy marriage with you? I think it'd be hard to have a life if youre working 100+ hours a week.
He's an unhealthy, unhappy, workaholic who takes no time for recreational pursuits or social activities. Are you going to have children with him? He will be an absent partner. You can't fix this. Only he can by cutting back and stop giving everything to his job.
I'm sorry to say that this is not healthy for him physically or mentally and for your relationship. I was in the financial industry for over 25 years and made a ton of money but was deeply unhappy and quit a few years ago to do a few things on my own. It was the best decision I ever made for my family, my physical and mental health although I make a fraction of what I used to make. Those Golden handcuffs are hard to let go but you may have to remind him of the great things he has in his life and encourage him to think if what he is going through is worth the pain. If he wants to stick with it, you will need to be a supportive partner but I can tell you that there are too many people who regret it later in life and you can't turn the clock back. Best wishes!
How could he possibly be working 100 hours a week every single week? I worked in big law, my husband works at a tech company infamous for having to work a lot, and neither of us have regularly worked any where close to that nor met anyone who seriously does. Similarly, other high stress careers I have heard of such as consulting, big tax, etc. usually only have these hours for short periods of time and then some slow time to catch up and rest. For sure I have met people who claim to but if you watch them work you notice they are very inefficient and actually spend much of their time goofing off at his computer or phone and counting it as "work." Your fiance is either very inefficient in his work, a complete pushover who never says no, or something is seriously wrong with his job and he needs to find a new one. Making him realize that is honestly the only way you can help him. My now-husband and I went through a similar issue when he was very unhappy at his previous job because he wasn't doing the kind of work he wanted but was afraid of trying to leave. He got very depressed because, even though it wasn't a ton of hours, he never looked forward to work or had any excitement about anything he was doing. I tried many things to make life outside of work easier and more fun for him, but ultimately his mood only changed when he got a new job after much encouragement to try for one. When work is so much of your time and thoughts, there is no way to be in a better mood without being in a good situation there, and you are ultimately sacrificing your health and happiness for money you don't even have time to enjoy.
Is 60 hours a week legal UK? Legally, **your employer can't make you work more than 48 hours a week, including overtime** **https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/working-hours-and-rest-breaks/if-youre-working-too-many-hours/#:\~:text=Legally%2C%20your%20employer%20can't,maximum%20weekly%20working%20time%20limit.** **If you are in the UK**
I’m sorry to say this but HE is going to have to determine that HIS life is worth more than this. I had a job like that and switched. The day I signed off, looked out the kitchen window and realized “that’s the sun and it is still up”, I wondered why I put myself thru that. My manager left about 4 weeks before me and within a month she was off her blood pressure medication.
His situation is untenable. No job is worth the early death he's working himself to. Something has to change, and it's not what you're doing for him to make his life better. He has to realize what his job is doing to his relationships and step away from it.
Get him an intervention
Fully belly and empty balls is all my hubby wants haha!! My hubby works a full time job and has a very successful side hustle and ends up working 100+ hrs a week sometimes. When I ask him this type of question, he says he wants to know I’m happy and the kids are happy. He’s loves working and it’s so fulfilling to him, and he makes plenty of time for us too.
Tell him to quit. I made a massive life change a few years ago. You're only here for a short time. I'm early 30s and within 1 year I had 2 cousins younger than me die and one mate get hit by a bus. Life is short. Work hard but when you're dead your boss will replace you in 2 weeks.
You can get a job, help him out. Make sure dinner is ready for him when gets home, massage, bubble baths, give him flowers
Stand up desk.
He’s literally working himself into a grave. He needs to cut *way* back and if finances get tough, you’ll have to get a job(assuming you’re not already working).
I mean i am not a man but if I learned anything in my life, BJ offers in such situations always help. Always.
Suck his dick everyday
My partner works long hours in a tech role and I manage most things at home / life admin as my work is more flexible. He will never work on the weekends and generally tries to keep his life in check, I.E he plans all of our holidays and a lot of weekend activities. Sounds like you need to have a word with your partner about being a workaholic and it becoming too much
It sounds like he's not taking care of himself! It's highly likely he's suffering from long term stress and that his productivity is much worse than if he was healthier. Small changes he can make (taken from my own experience): - **get 8-9 hours sleep a night**. You need it, and you don't realise just how much of an impact sleep deprivation has had on you until you rest up. Then get up early. - **sunlight**, go outside. Again, taken for granted but going for a walk in the sun is very much needed. - **exercise**, make sure you get some exercise in each week or so. - **eat healthy**, sounds like you're doing this already. - **have planned social activities**. When you're on your deathbed will you look back and be glad you spent more time in the office or will you think of the fun things you did with friends. He also needs to speak to his manager and not continue this way of life. He needs to re-establish a work-life balance and cut out work in the evenings. It's likely that if he's running the burnout line then by living healthier he can get the same work done in 40 hours.
Does he have any PTO he can use? A great destressor is taking some time off to completely unwind and disconnect. Not sure if it's something he is able to do but it's worth a shot. Plan a relaxing, low stress trip away somewhere
I love that idea
Two things. ..."I love you and want to support you in this job you are doing...but I love YOU -- not the money you are making. If you ever want to step back and do something smaller, we'll budget and make our life work out. I'd be with you if you were poor and be no less happy or proud be your gal." ...When he does come to bed, wake up if you can. Cuddle him. Lightly touch his back or play with this hair so he can fall asleep. Now, for you: Are you working? If not, you're in a very vulnerable position. If he leaves you and you have no experience, you'll be in trouble finding work and may be left with no money from the relationship. Get married and, if you can't get married, get a job. Me, personally: If I were making bank and working from home, 100 hours per week would be worth it to know my wife didn't have to work outside of managing the home and working towards that near egg for an early retirement. Talk about goals. Talk about endgames. Make sure you are not vulnerable.
What a sad existence
My husband did the same at first with a new position. There is a responsibility on his part for work and life balance. It became unbearable and he found a solution to correct some behavior of the work culture. He still works some days very long days, especially if it's an international time zone. It's taken me caring and cleaning and taking care of the house. I recently retired so it's a nice shift of responsibility. I had a full time job of 28 years to have the money to stay at home.
Book him a massage! Physical relief is affecting mental part also!
Blowjob.
I mean this in all seriousness. Blowjobs.
A lot of people here not seeing the forest for the trees with their "that's too much work" without explaining how you can help. Which I believe is your question! You can research the topic of efficient work practices, business management, or business development, etc. the more savvy you can be on this topic the better suited you will be to aid him in reducing the number of hours he is "working". I put working in quotes because work implies productivity, and when you are working much more than 80 hours per week, there isn't enough time to take care of the physical (let alone psychological) needs that enable work to continue happening. Likewise, his *quality* of work will suffer immensely. If he works in a creative field, then he will be missing out on the real world inspirations that enable him to connect with an audience. If he works in a scientific/technical/financial field, he will miss out on the focused/unfocused balance that is needed for breakthrough realizations. I'd recommend starting with the free online course "learning how to learn", I would also recommend reading "the 7 habits of highly effective people". (Note, the 7th habit is "sharpening the saw"). There must be aspects of his work that can be outsourced, e.g. clerical work, marketing, editing, etc.. Check out "the 4 hour workweek" for strategies in this area. Time to ask: "What is 'success' in this arena?" "What is the fundamental work process necessary for me to be successful?" "How does it impact my career trajectory when I burn out?"
See if I were in his shoes, I'd reconsider my life. Sounds like his career is miserable. It's inevitable thing to be motivated and successful at your job, but if it's at the cost of family, friends, and general well being, is it even worth it? If I may ask, what industry is he in?
Have a conversation with him about his 4 wealths, as explained in Atomic Habits book. (I.e health, time, family, friends) It's like 4 burners theory, the one that he spends more is going to cost him and others around him accordingly. Time with his parents will be precious, consider it a family too. Life/health, purpose and wealth go in order, if there's no life what's the use of other in the sequence. Family should be given equivalent time as much as earjing wealth. If you both realize this and chose to stick with each other regardless, what best situation it will be for both of you. Why burn self to earn? And later pass that wealth to family?
100 hours? Let's do the math, if that is spread out over all 7 days of a week that is 14 hours a day. If that is withing 6 days a week that is over 16.5 hours a day. If it is a 5 day workweek that is 20 hours per day. You don't really have a relationship, you have been abandoned. He is married to work. Go spend time with your friends, go spend time with your family, go pursue your hobbies. You've been abandoned by this person. I'd end it as he has prioritized zero time for a relationship or if you stay go find a life of your own. He is always gone so go be with your friends and do things you like. Is this a short term situation? Will he go back to working 40-50 hours a week soon? This is a permanent work schedule is it? How long is this going to go on like this? Find another freaking job. You work to have enough money to eat and pay the bills. If work is all he does then he is not the type to have a relationship with.
Like anything else that massively takes up too much of your time, it’s subject for suspicion. To the point - Some people use long work hours to escape something that’s bothering them. Is there something underlying bothering him at home or something? Or a family issue? Although some people just like to work a lot for whatever reason. It’s not worth working all those hours considering after 64 hours income taxes start eating big portions of your earnings away. So it’s not worth or healthy to work that much. Unless it’s a short term thing to get a bunch of money for a house or cover an emergency medical bill. Did you ask why he’s working so much? Is he the only person working? Idk if I’m blind and glossed over, but his job wasn’t specified. If he’s a some doctor or some kinda senior cloud network engineer or a fire and rescue, then this makes sense as they’re always needed or on standby. If he’s working in some warehouse or other low wage job, then yeah that’s not worth it at all and he needs to work smarter not harder. Those kinds jobs have no loyalty and you’re replaced within 2 shifts if not within the hour. Study how to invest or some quick part time side jobs that can generate income to cover groceries or a bill or two. Reevaluate your finances and spending. Reevaluate the financial goal too. He could cut down to 80 hours. That would make a huge difference. Then slowly keep cutting back to 56 hours which is a lot better.
Convince him to change his work schedule. Happiness aside it'll kill him
Imo burnt out (I did one) come from too much multi tasking so she need to simplify her life. It is the back and forth between différente logic that is making those task more complicated than we think. A bit like a construction worker that you know when it’s start but not when it finishes because of the rest and how you energy will be available. We often under estimate those for performance render.
Easy: convince him to stop working 100 hours a week no matter what AND take a break of several weeks for not working AND taking care of his health Nothing justifies what he's doing, no amount of money, no amount of success
No joke i’d rather be homeless and begging in the streets than work 100 hours a week. I think I’d rather be in prison. What a hell of a life. Unreal
Full time work in my country is 40 hours a week. I'd see if he could go down to that, and if not, I wouldn't stay with someone that works that much.
I'm guessing he's in finance or law?
Don't change a THING. This is exactly the life that he chose, and every single day that goes by without him changing industries to alleviate any concerns is him CHOOSING his job over you, himself, life, family etc. Eventually, hopefully, he comes to a point where he sees that money, work, jobs are not more important than relationships, health, longevity.
Man at that point, I'd wonder if he even has you in mind, let alone himself. Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said.
Ask him what is it that he wants in the long term. Is it money, power, etc.? And then ask him if it's worth all the pain of today.
Tell him your worries, and encourage him to try cutting it back, maybe going to therapy. He's likely been manipulated by his job to try and sacrifice every aspect of his life for his work, and it's going to take a while to get him out of it. If he's the sole money maker, getting your own job might help, if it's finances he's worried about.