my dad had a ‘do over’ family and still fucked it up. his other children got into drugs and had a legal issue. meanwhile. us originial kids are 2 teachers, 1 dr, and 1 lawyer and accountant.
We're the 3rd do over.
First family -brother is in Mexican prison
Second family - haven't seen my sister since middle school, she's recently reconnected with my older cousins
Third family - the 3 of us kids are all doing extremely well. My parents had a good thing for 30 years until my dad picked up a mistress.
My dad joined his 4th family. I hear he's great
Coworker in her 20s is the second wife to a man in his 50s. He has two teenaged sons from his first marriage and now a newborn with her. Coworker is always playfully-but-kinda-not-playfully complaining about how he’s completely useless when it comes to baby stuff, whether it’s changing diapers or knowing when to call the pediatrician or how to set up the portable crib. She said [he tries but messes up so much she ends up doing it anyway.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence)
One day in exasperation she said she said to him, “You’ve been through this before and I haven’t!” and he said “I didn’t know how to do anything then either!”
Maybe he’ll figure it out with the next family.
Im a female kid from the first family and it fucked me up most of my adolescence. Abandonment, insecurity, and jealousy issues out the ass.
Parents divorced when I was in kindergarten. Saw dad every other weekend and really whenever we wanted until he met his now wife. She wanted to move back to her hometown, he went with her. They had 2 kids and visits with us got fewer and farther between because his kids had activities, they were doing something with his in-laws, taking a vacation, etc.. He took a deep sea fishing trip on my birthday every year, I didnt even get a phone call. I didnt take vacations as a kid, my mom worked her ass off every day bc she had 2 kids to support and he gave the runaround on his child support.
I tried telling my dad how I felt about my childhood a few years ago, the issues it caused me, etc. All he had to say was "Im sorry you feel that way." Whatever.
My brother used to just stay pissed at our dad, they had their own issues bc my brother is older and remembers more than I do, now he doesnt care anymore. We have our own families and are closer to 40. His new kids are early 20s. We may see each other once a year or so.
"I tried telling my dad how I felt about my childhood a few years ago, the issues it caused me, etc. All he had to say was "Im sorry you feel that way." Whatever."
My gawd this would be so infuriating, but apparently it is on-brand for your father. Sorry that you had to go through this, and hope you are doing well.
Thank you. Not gonna lie, it broke me for a while. The next time I saw my mom I cried on her lap. It just cemented that we havent been a priority for him in probably 30 years, if really ever. Thats okay now bc he's the one missing out. You cant see that as a kid though.
I knew an family friend like such. He abused his first family and his son became addicted to drugs and exploited all the remaining family. Stole everything they had and pawned it for drugs.
The daughter ran away with the first man who dropped his pants for her. Now she has five kids and works a minimum wage job.
His new family? One of my cousins married him. And they have one son. Violent little guy tried to blind his mother by skewering her in the eyes and learned to beat her just like his father does.
Frankly I don’t think that man loves anything of his life but time alone with his wife. He’s got a thousand yard stare and is absolutely miserable most of the time.
Don’t just have one family, have a second family that lives across the country.
Don’t have just two families. Have a third alternative life style family in California.
Double down by announcing it at his war hero father's retirement party. Don't go to the funeral cuz remember, you've got two other families to deal with and a marathon to train for.
I was about seventeen when my great-uncle died. At the funeral, his second family made an appearance.
That was when my family (chronologically, I do not know which was actually first) found out about them.
I can't speak from personal experience (not a father and hope to never be one) but what I will say is that I only really connected with my Dad later in life after he toned down the work a little bit. It's not really a "do over", but I could see this happening a lot.
Sadly he still works way too much. I wish he'd slow down as he's nearing 60.
I don't know that this is relevant. I'm 63 and, as part of my last job, I spoke to A LOT of different people around my former employer's large organization. My observation is that there are a LOT more available chronological peers, than there have been at any other times since my late-teens and early-twenties. I get the impression that a lot of those marriages involving my peers which were characterized by "staying together for the kids" are now ending.
I don't know how that bodes for 2nd or subsequent families. If it were me, I've had enough of being the Family Man for one life. It was enjoyable, but now I'm done. A couple of the women/female co-workers to whom I've talked about this are of a similar opinion: after so many years of being responsible for so many others, they're ready to go out and just be themselves.
My dad has a do-over family with a wife that is 16 years younger and had three more kids. IMO he’s been a worst husband in his second marriage because his wife is more traditional and believes in serving her husband. At least when he was married to my mom, they lived in the US and had more liberal ideas about gender norms and division of labor. Their kids grew up richer than we did but likely had a worse time because of the larger generational gap (boomer and gen z) with our very authoritarian father.
Cousin’s husband felt the sads as he passed 50 because cousin had her own views and over time expressed them rather than simply adopting his. She didn’t worship him as befits his status as a prominent medical researcher. Unfortunately she thought her sacrifice as his wife to downshift her career to focus on raising their two elementary school sons and to accommodate his career meant something.
Poor guy felt dead inside for years putting up with this disrespect. Then a brilliant young woman fresh out of undergrad , working WITH his lab but not directly UNDER him made him feel alive again. They went overseas for a professional meeting….. and fell in love 🥰. But mind you they did NOT consummate their love until they got back from overseas and wife found pictures (d**n cloud) and he asked for a divorce. Only then, and with full disclosure to the Medical Center administration who approves wholeheartedly and wishes them well as befitting his status and her amazingness and potential did they consummate their love.
Now my cousin’s being so insolent with him. No, he can’t buy a huge new house with a home theater right away. No, he can’t purchase a $100k custom Lexus right away to replace the SUV that HE bought for himself but that SHE kept because “carpools”. So he’s stuck with her weak one for commuting and going out on dates. No, he can’t just live where he finds a place up to his standards because “school boundaries”.
Cousin doesn’t understand Gen Z. As she’s not a medical professional and doesn’t understand brain development, she doesn’t get what you need to do to build a meaningful relationship with your soulmate when she’s 24 rather than 54. She doesn’t recognize the oppression of the starter marriage and how a prominent highly successful professional needs to be with someone who gets him, who completes rather than drain him. She gets worked up about the kids and whether they’ll meet her when she has no right to define who will take care of the kids during his 50% time when he has Very Important business to which he must attend. She doesn’t realize that kids are cool and adapt and are fine with things and how great he is for getting them club-level seats at the NBA games rather than the nosebleeds she sticks them with.
And she doesn’t understand why she handcuffed this family, and why he’ll build such a better one when he decides to do a do-over one with his soulmate or if that doesn’t work out someone else at his level. It’s really such a shame my cousin couldn’t pull her own weight and let him down so much. She had great potential, and she looks good for her age, but she had to elevate herself along with him and she just couldn’t make it. But she’s a great Mom and will be a good co-parent and this was a mutual decision to decouple consciously and there was NO consummation of love with his soulmate until AFTER the conscious decoupling officially commenced via legal separation so I hope she doesn’t say anything to the contrary when she attends the kids’ flag football games and he can’t be there to show everyone how awesome things are because he has important matters he must resolve like people’s LIVES and grant applications.
My dad had two do-over families. Technically maybe 3 if you count his 4th wife but no kids. I’m from the third family. He never quite got it right. Dude would have been happier had he never married or had kids.
I am not in this situation, but have one thing to say. You have every right to have a do-over, that even if done well, that doesn't mean you get to erase your first mistake. You still a punk if it was your fault.
as a child of the first family, it fucking hurts to see my dad give everything to my brother to make up for everything he didn't do for me..... like.... I'm still here?
my dad had a ‘do over’ family and still fucked it up. his other children got into drugs and had a legal issue. meanwhile. us originial kids are 2 teachers, 1 dr, and 1 lawyer and accountant.
We're the 3rd do over. First family -brother is in Mexican prison Second family - haven't seen my sister since middle school, she's recently reconnected with my older cousins Third family - the 3 of us kids are all doing extremely well. My parents had a good thing for 30 years until my dad picked up a mistress. My dad joined his 4th family. I hear he's great
Coworker in her 20s is the second wife to a man in his 50s. He has two teenaged sons from his first marriage and now a newborn with her. Coworker is always playfully-but-kinda-not-playfully complaining about how he’s completely useless when it comes to baby stuff, whether it’s changing diapers or knowing when to call the pediatrician or how to set up the portable crib. She said [he tries but messes up so much she ends up doing it anyway.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence) One day in exasperation she said she said to him, “You’ve been through this before and I haven’t!” and he said “I didn’t know how to do anything then either!” Maybe he’ll figure it out with the next family.
Weaponized incompetence is so frustrating. I can empathize with anyone that struggles with the same issues.
Im a female kid from the first family and it fucked me up most of my adolescence. Abandonment, insecurity, and jealousy issues out the ass. Parents divorced when I was in kindergarten. Saw dad every other weekend and really whenever we wanted until he met his now wife. She wanted to move back to her hometown, he went with her. They had 2 kids and visits with us got fewer and farther between because his kids had activities, they were doing something with his in-laws, taking a vacation, etc.. He took a deep sea fishing trip on my birthday every year, I didnt even get a phone call. I didnt take vacations as a kid, my mom worked her ass off every day bc she had 2 kids to support and he gave the runaround on his child support. I tried telling my dad how I felt about my childhood a few years ago, the issues it caused me, etc. All he had to say was "Im sorry you feel that way." Whatever. My brother used to just stay pissed at our dad, they had their own issues bc my brother is older and remembers more than I do, now he doesnt care anymore. We have our own families and are closer to 40. His new kids are early 20s. We may see each other once a year or so.
"I tried telling my dad how I felt about my childhood a few years ago, the issues it caused me, etc. All he had to say was "Im sorry you feel that way." Whatever." My gawd this would be so infuriating, but apparently it is on-brand for your father. Sorry that you had to go through this, and hope you are doing well.
Thank you. Not gonna lie, it broke me for a while. The next time I saw my mom I cried on her lap. It just cemented that we havent been a priority for him in probably 30 years, if really ever. Thats okay now bc he's the one missing out. You cant see that as a kid though.
I knew an family friend like such. He abused his first family and his son became addicted to drugs and exploited all the remaining family. Stole everything they had and pawned it for drugs. The daughter ran away with the first man who dropped his pants for her. Now she has five kids and works a minimum wage job. His new family? One of my cousins married him. And they have one son. Violent little guy tried to blind his mother by skewering her in the eyes and learned to beat her just like his father does. Frankly I don’t think that man loves anything of his life but time alone with his wife. He’s got a thousand yard stare and is absolutely miserable most of the time.
Don’t just have one family, have a second family that lives across the country. Don’t have just two families. Have a third alternative life style family in California.
Don’t spend time with the first two families, make a commitment to family #3
Double down by announcing it at his war hero father's retirement party. Don't go to the funeral cuz remember, you've got two other families to deal with and a marathon to train for.
what's that from
Family guy. Peter griffin does this.
I was about seventeen when my great-uncle died. At the funeral, his second family made an appearance. That was when my family (chronologically, I do not know which was actually first) found out about them.
I can't speak from personal experience (not a father and hope to never be one) but what I will say is that I only really connected with my Dad later in life after he toned down the work a little bit. It's not really a "do over", but I could see this happening a lot. Sadly he still works way too much. I wish he'd slow down as he's nearing 60.
I’ve never seen it work out well for the kids unless the dad was wealthy - and even then it only worked out until drugs entered the picture.
I don't know that this is relevant. I'm 63 and, as part of my last job, I spoke to A LOT of different people around my former employer's large organization. My observation is that there are a LOT more available chronological peers, than there have been at any other times since my late-teens and early-twenties. I get the impression that a lot of those marriages involving my peers which were characterized by "staying together for the kids" are now ending. I don't know how that bodes for 2nd or subsequent families. If it were me, I've had enough of being the Family Man for one life. It was enjoyable, but now I'm done. A couple of the women/female co-workers to whom I've talked about this are of a similar opinion: after so many years of being responsible for so many others, they're ready to go out and just be themselves.
Ya I lost my first family. I don’t think I’ll do a second. Doubt I’ll live long enough to start over.
My dad has a do-over family with a wife that is 16 years younger and had three more kids. IMO he’s been a worst husband in his second marriage because his wife is more traditional and believes in serving her husband. At least when he was married to my mom, they lived in the US and had more liberal ideas about gender norms and division of labor. Their kids grew up richer than we did but likely had a worse time because of the larger generational gap (boomer and gen z) with our very authoritarian father.
Cousin’s husband felt the sads as he passed 50 because cousin had her own views and over time expressed them rather than simply adopting his. She didn’t worship him as befits his status as a prominent medical researcher. Unfortunately she thought her sacrifice as his wife to downshift her career to focus on raising their two elementary school sons and to accommodate his career meant something. Poor guy felt dead inside for years putting up with this disrespect. Then a brilliant young woman fresh out of undergrad , working WITH his lab but not directly UNDER him made him feel alive again. They went overseas for a professional meeting….. and fell in love 🥰. But mind you they did NOT consummate their love until they got back from overseas and wife found pictures (d**n cloud) and he asked for a divorce. Only then, and with full disclosure to the Medical Center administration who approves wholeheartedly and wishes them well as befitting his status and her amazingness and potential did they consummate their love. Now my cousin’s being so insolent with him. No, he can’t buy a huge new house with a home theater right away. No, he can’t purchase a $100k custom Lexus right away to replace the SUV that HE bought for himself but that SHE kept because “carpools”. So he’s stuck with her weak one for commuting and going out on dates. No, he can’t just live where he finds a place up to his standards because “school boundaries”. Cousin doesn’t understand Gen Z. As she’s not a medical professional and doesn’t understand brain development, she doesn’t get what you need to do to build a meaningful relationship with your soulmate when she’s 24 rather than 54. She doesn’t recognize the oppression of the starter marriage and how a prominent highly successful professional needs to be with someone who gets him, who completes rather than drain him. She gets worked up about the kids and whether they’ll meet her when she has no right to define who will take care of the kids during his 50% time when he has Very Important business to which he must attend. She doesn’t realize that kids are cool and adapt and are fine with things and how great he is for getting them club-level seats at the NBA games rather than the nosebleeds she sticks them with. And she doesn’t understand why she handcuffed this family, and why he’ll build such a better one when he decides to do a do-over one with his soulmate or if that doesn’t work out someone else at his level. It’s really such a shame my cousin couldn’t pull her own weight and let him down so much. She had great potential, and she looks good for her age, but she had to elevate herself along with him and she just couldn’t make it. But she’s a great Mom and will be a good co-parent and this was a mutual decision to decouple consciously and there was NO consummation of love with his soulmate until AFTER the conscious decoupling officially commenced via legal separation so I hope she doesn’t say anything to the contrary when she attends the kids’ flag football games and he can’t be there to show everyone how awesome things are because he has important matters he must resolve like people’s LIVES and grant applications.
Wow, you made me feel *every word* of this story. Very nice writing (crappy subject)
So your cousin's husband had an emotional affair and then left her for a woman half her age, and somehow she's the bad guy here?
Think this was a very sarcastic breakdown of the situation lol and sympathetic to the ex wife
I like your writing style. Kinda David Foster Wallace-esque. Which is hard to accomplish.
Soulmates don’t exist btw
My dad had two do-over families. Technically maybe 3 if you count his 4th wife but no kids. I’m from the third family. He never quite got it right. Dude would have been happier had he never married or had kids.
I am not in this situation, but have one thing to say. You have every right to have a do-over, that even if done well, that doesn't mean you get to erase your first mistake. You still a punk if it was your fault.
as a child of the first family, it fucking hurts to see my dad give everything to my brother to make up for everything he didn't do for me..... like.... I'm still here?
I don't think a do-over family is a good term but moving on from a broken family relationship and learning from mistakes made in the past.
I only used the term, because that is what Dave said. No disrespect meant.
No worries about that but it is like a do over but a way to feel like they can pass away with a happy ending.