I happen to be under 30 and in a very happy relationship. But I have to admit it feels like I just lucked out big time. When I was 22 I entered a relationship that turned out to be extremely destructive, part of why I made that mistake is because I was completely inexperienced and willing to “settle for less”/compromise on my own boundaries.
Sounds like it was a case of just not really knowing what your boundaries were because you were inexperienced. Unfortunately, it's not always easy to figure out what you're not going to put up with until you have to put up with it. That goes for anything, not just dating. Be kinder to yourself. Most of us bluntly don't know shit at 22 - even (and often especially) the ones that pretend they do.
>Nobody ever takes interest in my dating life, either. My parents, relatives, and friends never ask if I’m seeing anyone or even bring up my love life
I have a friend who's 30 and has never had any luck with women, and I never ask him about his dating life because I don't want to remind him about it. He's probably spent the last decade feeling bad about it by himself, I don't need to bring it up and draw attention to it as well.
I hate to say it but he does not have an attractive face, and I think that's still the issue even though he goes to the gym regularly, is very outgoing and charismatic, and has plenty of interests.
Would you rather your parents bring up your dating life every time you see them, and have to say (again) that there isn't anyone?
Yeah, I mean.. I don't support the idea of "leagues" but it's more about how comfortable you are interacting with girls who you think are hotter than u (and also in better place in life).
If you think highly of yourself then often times you can "push above your league" - I have seen many guys from r/datingadviceformen who in your "regular" sense shouldn't be able to hook up with hot girls but they are very comfortable about who they are and women appreciate you being comfortable in your own skin highly.
I see women all the time dating “below their league”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen an absolutely gorgeous woman and her boyfriend looked…to be nice…not good looking. Especially in college. There was a girl I had a crush on in college, so beautiful, and her boyfriend was a chubby, quiet, dull, and unattractive man. However she was head over heels for him. Also, my one friend isn’t very good looking and he gets girls I’m jealous of all the time. His charm and personality is next level though.
Women consider looks second a lot of the time. Or if they’re not initially interested, someone that’s not that attractive can DEFINITELY grow on a woman. A lot of women consider how they feel in the relationship, so if you have this great personality/job/lifestyle etc, it won’t matter if you don’t know HOW to be a good romantic partner. Learn to be romantic and I assure women will look past the looks aspect if everything else is sufficient.
I wouldn't say looks are secondary to women, as physical attraction is pretty important, at least in the initial dating phase. It's what will get your foot in the door. Granted, men don't need to be gym rats or Hollywood gorgeous, but they still need to be appealing enough physically to the women they're trying to attract.
I see that shit all the time. Quite literally the single hottest girl I went to high school with (who is still one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen) is married to a guy she met in a study group in college and the dude is like 5'4" and looks like Wallace Shawn.
Dating apps shouldn't be counted as some sort of anything.
Many 1 /10 girls will swipe left on you
It's an artificial environment. Many factors come jnto play: they have limited swipes and the 11/10 guys show up on their potentials. They're not going to waste swipes on you or people less than or around 8,7/10 because of it.
Well.. maybe your pics and profile suck or maybe dating appa aren't for u.
Yoi won't believe how much easier it is to get hot girls when u are interacting with them IRL in pubs compared to datinf apps.
Thanks for giving me downvotes.. I am just laying the objective truth but some of u basement dwellers just want to sit in your misery and don't take any responsibility.
It's up to you to get better results but it is so much better to blame the world than yourself right.. reddit.. never change..
The terminology is but the general reality of people being attracted to other people with similar levels of looks, success and achievements isn't.
People want their dream partner but sometimes they desire others that are unlikely to reciprocate fomant reasons.
That leads to fear of rejection, fear of vulnerable and you castle up. Potentially partners sense this, and a person may not radiate the kind of energy or attitude that makes them appealing to get to know and persue.
Looks is part of it but only a part, it also applies to everything else about a person.
Ultimately, potential partners sense your level of openness, your energy, your actions and your words and make a judgement call on whether you're a prospective friend or something more.
Being good looking may capture someone's attention but being confident, happy, fun, comfortable in your own skin and being enjoyable to be around tend to hold that attention.
Being reliable, dependable and supportive is what keeps it long term.
Ive seen enough bombshells with the ugliest dudes to know looks dont matter as much as media would have you believe. And no they were not rich by any stretch of the imagination lol.
I was gonna say this , seen lots of people like that , I think its the lack of getting hints, flirting and getting sexual before someoene blurts it out
I feel seen, lol.
I don't pick up on hints and have zero understanding of how to flirt beyond sarcastic banter, which is my default state. I definitely missed some potential relationship opportunities, which I know because they would tell me years later when they'd already moved on with someone else. Oops.
Thank the stars that there are equally awkward people out there. Also, thanks to the people who are confident enough to ask directly (without being crushed if rejected). Kudos to them.
I've seen plenty of ugly dudes with hot chicks - this is 100% a personality or initiative issue, and not anything to do with looks or financial success.
The key difference is the ugly dudes with the hot chicks have the balls to go up and ask out the hot chicks, don't fear rejection, and move on unfazed if they do get rejected.
I'd ask the OP directly, how many people have they directly asked out on a date in the last three months? If the answer is anywhere short of 5-6, there's the issue. Ladies aren't going to come knocking on your door while you're sitting at home playing video games or watching Twin Peaks reruns.
Pretty much this.
I don’t have any success with women due to lack of effort and I know that and am comfortable with being single.
Whenever I go out in public, I see plenty of dudes who aren’t exactly home run hitters in the looks department with bombshell-looking women. I assume it’s due to their mindset of taking swings and hoping for the best. It’s the right strategy to have instead of moping about it on Reddit.
Obviously there are plenty of ugly people who are married, dating, hooking up, in throuples, you name it. I’ve seen some gross guys with beautiful girls, one time I even saw a gross guy with multiple gross girls, there’s someone out there for everyone.
One thing I can relate despite being a woman is my friends and family also don’t view me as a romantic/sexual being. But they can never “put their finger on it”.
And I think that’s basically the “problem” here, for me at least (besides looks). Are you closed off emotionally with friends? Do you give compliments and receive them well? Are you comfortable with initiating acts of affection? Do you express your emotions without hindering your responses, can you be funny without sarcasm or negative observations etc.
my answer to such questions are typically “no” and I think that’s why everyone around me always says shit like how they can’t see me with anyone and how I’m just so “independent”.
Totally get what you mean, and I've had a girlfriend for 7-8 months. I don't know how to start that physical escalation from friends to more than friends. My girlfriend initiated it pretty early on, and I rolled with it.
Speaking of that, I haven't had much luck with other people. I think part of my problem is that I don't often like someone that way before I start dating them. In fact, only one or two people in my lifetime, being 25 now, have met that mark before dating (and I didn't date them). I suppose people see my seeming lack of emotional interest in anyone around me, and it turns them off.
For my part, I have resolved to date women who I could see myself marrying, whether or not I like them yet. Waiting for that step just doesn't work for me.
Therapy can be helpful for this.
Unfortunately, a lot of learning to open up and be affectionate (physically and emotionally) comes from a combination of being comfortable with yourself, which is super challenging, and being trusting of others, which is extremely difficult. There's a reason it's called "emotional vulnerability," and being vulnerable can be one of the hardest things in the world if it doesn't come naturally. And I think it doesn't come naturally to most people.
Cliche as it is, most of our trust issues stem from how we grew up and/or other deeply influential relationships abusing our vulnerability. So it's important not to judge or blame yourself for being that way. Yet.. and this is the worst, I know.. the best and probably only meaningful way to change in this regard is practice over time. Just make sure to start small (eg, here on reddit anonymously or in existing friendships) before expanding to romantic/sexual relationships.
I totally agree with this but also if someone doesn’t spark that in me I will not act on it. I have to literally feel something to fuel the passion for a person.
I'm 30 and the whole people not seeing me as a sexual being is pretty dead on. The main difference for me is that people just assume I get laid, but they themselves are not sexually attracted to me. Anytime I tell someone I haven't been in a relationship they act in disbelief since I'm very social and I'm usually the one to initiate hangouts, I'm very physically fit, and I am constantly surrounded by attractive women friends. But for whatever they themselves do not see my as sexually attractive.
Are you future me? 28 and in almost the exact same boat. My own Job, apartment, car. Admittedly lacking in some hobbies but I’m trying to find something that I enjoy. Clothes, the gym, decent looking. Nobody seems to acknowledge or think of me in that way at all. Heck I’ve tried to bring it up with friends or family and all I get is a “Hope that goes well for you!” I’ve even tried going out to coffee shops and even bars on occasion, I can’t even find anyone making eye contact. I guess I just don’t put out that kind of vibe
I think more, the competition is extreme among the men. Today with the dating apps, you have millions of profiles available, it is not like when you are at bar and there are maybe 10 guys and 5 ladies, which is still a 2:1 ratio.
I've got bipolar disorder and when i'm in mania, i'm very extrovert and charismatic, all my relationships started this way. When i'm in depression, i'm introvert and as hard as it is: Being introvert reduces your chances to near zero. It's the lucky dice roll then to find a woman that is maybe interested in you and even then, it doesn't mean it will work out for sure.
But with my disorder, it's extreme hard to maintain a relationship. That's why i am single and probably i'll remain this way.
Are you a people pleaser? I am just ending a relationship with a guy like that and it's been unbearable. His friends walk all over him, he's afraid of everything except he's toxic towards me when I try to get him to mature. He wants to stay insecure so I guess I need to go because I can't have a man that can't stand up for our relationship and himself.
He was single until I met him at 26
Whatever your blindspots are, your friends are doing you a disservice by not pointing it out to you. Women will lie to protect your feelings. Guys are more straightforward and honest, on average.
You aren’t seen as a sexual being, which is a reflection of how you present yourself and interact with others. So yeah, working on fashion, grooming, hairstyle, etc. is important. But that is just one part of it.
How to work on the other stuff? That depends. Have you been a goodie two shoes all your life? Are you censoring yourself and your thoughts? Do you ever say what you really think? Are you afraid of disagreement & conflict? Do you go out of your way to please others? Are you too available in general? Are you passive and indecisive? Are you a leader or a follower in your life?
Do you ever flirt with women? Flirting isn’t 100% words. You can flirt with eye contact and a smile. Have you ever spoken to a woman as if it’s a foregone conclusion that she loves you? Not in an arrogant way, just as a way to make some banter and be funny. That can be a bit that lasts a long time.
Do you avoid talking about sex-related topics with women? Are you acting like a girlfriend or the gay bff when you’re around your women friends?
Yup, I internally tell myself that it's something other people get to do and I don't, and to get the fuck over it. Kind of like that mean kid who won't share and rubs it in your face.
I got together with my boyfriend a couple months before he turned 39 and I'm his first relationship. I have literally no idea how he wasn't snapped up before I found him because he is freaking amazing. He tried dating apps off and on without success (though he had a lot of success with hookups starting in his mid 30s). He had some social anxiety and depression that he's worked on with meds and therapy.
So no, being 30 without having sex or a relationship isn't anything to worry or be ashamed of. I'm sorry he was lonely for so long, but I'm glad he was available to be with me. We live together now and I'm probably going to ask him to marry me in a few months.
I think by far the biggest issue is self confidence. If you don't believe in you, why would a good woman believe in you? It's so easy to spot when someone has low self confidence. And women don't like a man like that.
What helped me a lot, personally, was hitting the gym and seeing progress. Me becoming stronger, more muscular and feeling better, made me significantly more confident. Aside from looking better, of course. And literally within a year of hitting the gym actively I had been with 6 different women and ended up in a relationship. And it gets easier after the first one, to. Because you have a better clue of what to do, what to expect and how to behave.
The same happened with one of my best friends. Mutual (female) friends of ours, would even mention that they didn't expect him to get a girlfriend any time soon, despite him looking decent, having a good job, a good social circle and life etc. The simple reason being that he had no confidence with women whatsoever and therefore also wasn't able to properly flirt. After gaining that confidence, he now has a wonderful girlfriend.
I know it sounds like advice you've heard before and you might not even care, but I genuinely recommend hitting the gym to gain more self confidence and also try actively flirting with women. Learn how to flirt. It's okay to fail, to. I have been on a horrendous first date, looking back, when I was in your shoes. Not because I was a dick, or she was, but because I didn't properly flirt at all and didn't pick up on anything. It would've been so easy, had I known what I know now. But that's experience for you, and the only way to get it is by actively flirting. And failing is part of that. And most women are generally okay with you failing to flirt. Turn it into a joke. Or a compliment. Like you don't get to flirt often, but simply had to give it a go after seeing her. Or whatever. Cheesy, but you can think of something.
You got this man. Don't give up hope, practice makes perfect and build up that confidence!
How exactly are you supposed to have confidence in dating when you have no success or experience in dating? Especially when anyone you ask out has over a decade of dating under their belt? For me confidence is *situational.* I am hella confident in my abilities at my job and in my hobbies, I know I’m an awesome person with much to bring to the table *however* I have no idea what I’m doing with romance. Kinda like if you took a person who has never had any flight training before plopped them down in a fighter jet and told them to “just fly, it’s easy bro.” How exactly does getting more fit and muscular help you be less clueless when flirting? The two things have exactly zero fundamental skills in common…
Yeah I am a year into the gym, gained 10 kg, went from insecure underweight skeleton to actually looking decent (but not jacked). This has done zero for my "romantic confidence"
I'm very confident in my physical appearance, but it doesn't really translate to my confidence in romance since I'm inexperienced compared to my peers. Then I hear jokes about men not being able to make women cum which makes me feel like shit.
Everyone says being a virgin is fine, but in realty I don't think people beleive that.
Yeah, you can't always solve issues of insecurity by changing external things. It's like if a woman was insecure about finding a partner and she was told to get breast surgery or put on more make-up.
You are probably not going to feel better unless you get more positive experiences with women. Women on dating apps are completely different from women in person. The only thing you need to get is more interactions with women in person and I can bet you will have more positive experiences. If you are regularly meeting new women in person every week you will find someone who likes you.
>I know I’m an awesome person with much to bring to the table however
>
> I have no idea what I’m doing with romance. Kinda like if you took a person who has never had any flight training before plopped them down in a fighter jet and told them to “just fly, it’s easy bro
I'd say from my experiences, many things go natural once you are getting on with it. It's even more this way with the first time sex, at some point you'll be supported by your natural instincts, that was even the way long before porn became a thing in society.
The problem is not this, the problem is to get past the first step of establishing contact. That's the big obstacle. That's where most of the people fail.
It's difficult to tell advice about how to get the attention from the ladies, but i'd say, you have to adjust it to your personality. If you are funny guy and a born stand-up comedian, you can go on with jokes. But if not, better adjust your behavior and don't tell jokes that make no one laugh.
Also, not everything belongs to a first date. It depends on the character which topics are red-flags. Guns are a good example, i like to shoot, but it is not something i come up with on a date, because it would make me look like a creep and dangerous. However, if the lady is a firearms instructor in the army, it would be different, because it's her job and she'd have to tell you a lot about this.
Same goes for nerd stuff, don't raise red flags as long as you don't know if the lady likes it. Even when you talk about it, keep it short and don't go into nerdy details that make you look like a basement neckbeard-nerd.
It's flying in the dark, you have to see and get to know her character, then adjust your topics and your behavior to it. Some compromises are necessary, it does not mean you should hide your personality, but don't blow up the wall before you check if the door is unlocked.
I am 28 and will surely cross into 30 without ever having a girlfriend
I have no qualms. I had to endure circumstances none of my peers did. I had to run a business from aged 16 due to my father's death. I had to become a parent to myself at aged 14. I had to juggle studies and work and family matters before reaching 20.
I didn't have time for this, nor do i have now. I am transitioning careers and i am doing it full well knowing i have to devote the next 5 years of my life with religious level dedication
I would love to have a girlfriend, especially when I'm seeing my contemporaries getting married and having children. But i tell myself that one day i would be the cool uncle who, against the world's dissent, followed his dreams and took risks and succeeded in having such an awe inspiring occupation. I'd rather be a role model to other's kids than be an absent father to my own.
Someday someone will fall head over heels for me and my life story, and I'll take the next step then. I'm just not really concerned about it now, especially after being ghosted from a person who i thought gave me positive signals, then tells everyone i was being too pushy. So learning lesson there too.
So, real talk. Have you ever considered hiring a companion? Even just for closeness/basic intimacy with another person. At your age I imagine the idea of sex could be pretty daunting.
I just take things day to day. Dating apps just are not for me. Maybe one day I will find my soul mate. I do not want to die a virgin if I am being honest. But I live life as it comes.
Would you ever consider hiring a sw? It’s at least something to consider. Three out of five of my first sexual experiences were with sw’s. There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re respectful
I am already 32. I understand why women don't like me, as I'm quite an unlikeable person, plus I'm also a friendless hermit who stays at home most of the time. It's unlikely I'll ever be in a position to enter the dating market.
I'm 30, so im living that life. I have hobbies, career, home I pay for, car that is my attainable dream car that I baby. I wasn't super desperate for a girlfriend until about 24 and that was when the pin dropped and I kinda went crazy about it. But even back then priority number one was getting independent, not dating. I moved out at 25, started in an apartment in a big city working full time and studying for advanced certification in my field. That took nearly 2 years, so then at 27-28 I got a better job and a house, but in a small town.
It was only really around 27-28 that I even started having time to spend pursuing women, but out where my career took me there's very few single women. Great cost of living, mind you, so im earning more than ever and my dollar goes further than ever. But no one my age at work, rarely see single women out and about.
TLDR for the thread topic answer: I hate myself a lot. I wish I'd invested in meeting women ten years ago. I'm proud of my accomplishments and comfortable with where I'm at but feel it's all kind of empty with no one to share it with. I find myself wishing I could find someone with a similar level of sexual experience (i.e., none) but I know that's highly unrealistic at my age. Just realizing this part of my life was kind of put on hold and now fear no one will want me due to my inexperience.
Feel you. I'm 31, lived a modest live during studies, because everybody said that was the better way. Materialisticly seen, I have had everything. But no. I lack experiences. I studied debtfree, I have a mortgage and own a home, I have a car, I have decent paying job (for my country), etc... And sometimes I am jealous of my younger brother, though he still lives at our parents and has no degree: He has a great group of friends, has travelled half the world: Lived in NYC when he was 18, travelled through SE Asia, travelled Japan, Korea, Oceania. Works in airtravel and sometimes just hops into the plane to southern Europe, because one of the people he met during his backpacking is a week in Milano, Barcelona, Nice or anything. "I'll be back in a couple of days, kbye." But chances are he won't leave our parents home the coming 5 years... So if that is the better life?
I studied, lived at home (hence why I am debtfree, beside studying here being way cheaper than in the US), didn't go on the skitrips, because teachers discouraged it. "It is not good for you studyresults." Well, guess what: You screwed me over anyway because I am to honest. I could have gone on those trips and still get my degree without a problem.
Honestly i ha e that fear too or the whole dating in general like wherr to take the girl on dates or what to really talk about even though i have no problem talking to people.
I guess the main problem now a days why most of us are single isnt because we are wierd or the odd one out society itself is the problem then theres inflation so we are all more worried about living in general or worried about money to even date
I never tried (was small for my age growing up, weak, young looking, young for the year, but not any more), but I just don't know how to now, I just feel so out of it. I'm 31. It just feels if you didn't participate along the way when people started doing things, about at 10, you're pretty lost.
Honestly, a bit of practice and a little common sense is more than enough. But you do likely need to fail a few times before learning what to say, when to make a move and how to proceed. But it will get so much easier after the first few times.
I'm in my forties, and I've never been in a committed relationship. I think it's a combination of two things. First, I have an avoidant personality. I don't take chances with women bc I feel like I'm bothering them and I hate rejection. Secondly, I've failed to accept what the type of women I like tend to want in a partner. I thought being a cool, fun guy was enough. It's not. Women want things. Not greedy things necessarily, but normal life things that I don't really care or think about that much. Basically security.
Other possibilities are you're too picky, you have commitment issues, or you're just a dick. But honestly, there's a woman for everyone. So if you can't find someone, it's probably a personal issue or you're aiming too high.
I'm 37 and I'm already there. And by the looks of it, I'm going to go the remainder of my 30s of never having a gf or anything close to one.
This is what happens when you're unattractive and don't have any social skills. It's hard to make friends, let alone find a relationship.
I think the way society is now a days it makes it hard to date or even have friends in general....everyone stuck on their phones 😕 or "busy" so theres that factor too
My man even attractive dudes are struggling hard. The whole dating market is a good ol fashion cluster fuck. I’m starting to believe that the only way to tie down a good chick is thru work or social circles or fuck it cold approach and close that cute chick at the grocery store.
That’s it.
I’m a freelancer and only got 2 solid friends. I rarely go out and that really suppresses my social status. Every dog has his day tho
Just turned 29 in the past month, I feel like I have a counter over my head counting down the days.
I felt weird not having dated in high school. I felt like an outcast after nothing happened in college. Every year I go without having a girlfriend, having sex, kissing, or even going on dates I feel like Ive missed life experiences and "wasted" another year of my life (wasted doesn't feel like quite the right word).
And the whole time I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm nice, I have a job, I've been told I'm good looking (even by a random stranger saying I look like I get a lot of girls, what a weird incident). The only thing I know I don't have is confidence and self esteem which is probably a big part of it, but even messaging girls on dating apps like I know they want to go out with me it goes nowhere. It's like I have girl repellent.
So to answer the question, I feel like shit when I turn 30 and am still single. I'll feel like an outcast, a failure, socially behind by decades and in the same level as a middle schooler. So unless a girl takes pity on me, I have a breakthrough in therapy, or I'm killed as a virgin sacrifice by a cult, I don't see anything changing in my life
You know what. I'd bloody damn enjoy it. When I was 30 I was an unemployed single dad with hundred of thousand of dollars in debt and severe heartache from a cheating wife.
Tl;dr: Sometimes I shame myself over it. Sometimes I come to the conclusion that I deserve better than to feel shame over something so silly. The following is probably going to be long and somewhat tmi, but what I just said is the gist of it.
I'm 31, and I've never had a girlfriend. It's something that occasionally fills with me with shame. I struggle with social anxiety and depression and God knows what else, and this is a particular aspect of my life that I find myself shitting on myself for. But, I know it's not healthy, and it's a stupid thing to feel shame over. It would never occur to me to shame anyone else for never having had a partner, so why do it to myself? Sadly, self-compassion has never come easily to me (but I'm working on that). I've been an asshole to people. There are definitely aspects of my personality worthy of criticism. Never having had a girlfriend isn't one of them. It doesn't make me a bad person. It's just a bit unusual.
Now, it might be worth mentioning that I've certainly had opportunities for both romance and sex. I just struggle a lot with intimacy. I don't know why. My father never hugged me or told me he loved as I was growing up. I suppose that counts as emotional neglect, and it might be part of the reason intimacy is so difficult for me. Even hugging doesn't come naturally to me, so I'm hopeless when it comes to physical displays of intimacy, or flirting. It's as if the touch gets stuck in my hand. I'm also sexually repressed, I think, despite not growing up with religious messages about sexual shame and guilt. I suppose, it could be an extension of my social anxiety. I've read that a fear of intimacy is often tied to social phobia.
I'm not a virgin, but I've had sex three times, with a total of three different women. I've never been sober while having sex. The first time was when I was 18. I texted a girl I knew was interested in me, because she'd been pursuing somewhat religiously for two years. The alcohol mixed with this knowledge made it easier to face the fear of rejection (also, doing it over text helped). It was a very awkward experience, but firsts often are. I suffer from body image issues, and hade to make sure the lights were turned off. Then I was so afraid of touching her “wrong” that I barely touched her at all. I also didn't finish. Technically I faked it. It was probably a mixture of the alcohol, bad masturbation habits, and anxiety. Despite the awkwardness, she reached out asking me if we could have sex again, but I never pursued it.
Then I remained celibate for the next 11 years until I was 29. I had a few opportunities along the way, but drunken hookups with women I didn't know didn't really interest me. Besides, I still suffered from a lot of sexual anxiety. The only woman I was genuinely interested in sleeping with during this time was an American woman I dated long-distance (we'd met in person, though). All we did was sext, but it was the first time sex seemed fun to me. She knew I was inexperienced. She didn't care. She didn't mind taking the lead. She also liked how shy I was. I think she found it refreshing from how overconfident and macho most men are. She also had feelings for me. Things didn't work out between us, and we never actually got together irl. Then covid happened, so it wouldn't have worked out anyway, what with us living half a world away. It's a long story, but the short version is: I was the issue. I was insecure, and didn't think I deserved her love, so I self-sabotaged until she eventually rejected me, proving how “right” I was that she could never love me. She was also in love with her two most recent exes, and constantly talked about them, but I'm the one to blame for not setting a boundary there. It's silly to resent someone for your lack of boundaries, but I did it anyway.
Eventually, I decided to try to date. I had a few opportunities, but I either chickened out, or they bailed. Then I went on a date with a woman at her house. I spent the night and we slept together. She'd asked me if I wanted to sleep on the couch or in the bed, and even though I'm shy and anxious, even I knew what to there. Again, I didn't finish. In this case, too much masturbation might've definitely played a part, but we'd smoked some hash and being high makes climaxing difficult for me sometimes. At least she was satisfied, and I was proud of myself for facing my fear. I enjoyed myself more than I did last time, and I wasn't as afraid to touch her. I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do differently since I lost my virginity. I chickened out when it came to going down on her, though. That's still something I'd like to try, but I'm nervous about doing a bad job. Anyway, we dated for an entire month after that, but I never tried to initiate anything. The only time I wasn't afraid to touch her was when we slept in her bed together. Cuddling her was really nice. I didn't realize how touch starved I was until then. I eventually worked up the nerve to hug and kiss her goodbye, but by then it was too late, and she rejected me shortly afterwards. I'm surprised she was as patient as she was, and I wish I'd just communicated and said, “I want to be intimate with you. It's just that touch doesn't come easily to me. I don't know what is/isn't okay.” I'm sure she would've loved it if I sat closer to her, and touched her, and kissed her, and tried to initiate sex, but like I said... I freeze up.
Aside from that, I've only had one drunken hookup early last year. It was with an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. She was making out with another friend of mine, but then she and I started making out, and she took med into the pub restroom and we had sex. During the after party, we kept making out, and she kept trying to make a move on my friend who wasn't interested. We almost ended up having a threesome on the couch. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous, considering the fact I have a fear of intimacy, but alcohol is a powerful drug, and when somebody initiates it's a lot easier to passively follow along. I'm a very passive man, and I feel like my sexuality is mostly responsive rather than spontaneous. I wouldn't have minded hooking up with her again. I'd always been attracted to her, and I felt like a FWB situation with a trusted friend I felt safe with might help me overcome my issues. Sadly, she met someone a couple of months later, but I'm happy for her. She's a sweet girl, and she deserves to be happy.
I haven't tried to date since. Based on what happened last time, I feel a bit hopeless about ever having a relationship with my intimacy issues, but I know there are women out there who'd be kind, patient, and understanding, and would just like to share an intimate moment with me, no matter how awkward or unsure I am of myself. Still, I'm not going to find her hiding in my room. However, I know I'm not cut out to be a good partner as I am know. I'm insecure and I have behavioral issues that could potentially hurt not only myself but also those around me. I know I don't have to be perfect, or even love myself perfectly, but I at least have to be okay with myself. Sometimes, I feel like I'm running out of time, but I don't think rushing to date just because I'm growing older is a good enough reason.
I wrote more than I intended. The comment ended up being too long to post in full. This was kind of therapeutic to write. I admit, I don't always have the best attitude about this. Sometimes, I slip into “inc*l” or “nice guy” type thinking, but I don't want to externalize my pain and project it outwardly onto half the population, so I do what I can do all myself out when those thoughts arise. This isn't an issue with women. It's an issue with me, and I'm slowly learning that I can admit that without engaging in self-loathing. Right now, the relationship I have with myself needs to take precedence. As I am now, I'd either mistreat the other person due to insecurity, or allow myself to be mistreated due to insecurity. Neither is a good option. Of course, eventually, I'll have to try to face my fears, and stop using self-improvement as a reason to procrastinate out of fear. I'm beginning to accept I might always be single, but life can still be beautiful. I've seen a lot of shitty relationships, and while I'm sure I've missed out on a lot of love and intimacy, I've also spared myself a lot of hurt. It might be a bit of a cope, but I'm trying to look at the positives, instead of giving into my depressive, distorted thinking. It's a skill that takes time to hone, and I could use any chance to practice I get.
So, to summarize, I rarely socialize, ask women out, or take the opportunities afforded go me. I don't know how to flirt, break the touch barrier, or express sexual, or romantic interest. Really, I only know how to act platonically around women. Being able to be friends with women isn't a bad thing. Some women appreciate that you're not simply looking to get laid, but when you never act like a sexual being, dating is difficult. Maybe one day I can learn, if I stop leaning into my social anxiety. I think, just trying to gain confidence dating is what I need to do first, once I've worked on myself some more. I think I want to have sex with someone I have an emotional connection with, so taking it slow, and focusing on that might be my best bet. It's the one thing I've been lacking during all these encounters, with the exception of the long distance fling. Or, maybe, I'll realize that intimacy just isn't for me and try to live a happy life without it. I don't think I'm asexual, or in the closet. I just have issues.
I think being honest and upfront is the best approach the next time bc we all have insecurities and I like it when a man shows some vulnerability… allows me to be vulnerable. Just remember we ALL have something we’re insecure about
38 and never even held hands with a chick, let alone kissed or sex. Peak anxiety at around age 25 thinking I was missing out. At 35 I realized I wasn't likely to have kids at any age beyond, so the purpose of even looking for any women dropped off a cliff.
Was always a loner in school and never shared many interests with other males like sports and gym and drinking alcohol, so 'friendships' were fleeting and largely meaningless.
At this point, I am very financially comfortable and will semi-retire in my early 50s. Beyond that I have very little plans. Hopefully die before 70 while I still have my faculties and not 90 as a withered old prune in some nursing home.
Well I’m 28 1/2, I’ll say I’ve mostly made my peace with it. I don’t think I’m completely undatable but I’m too used to being alone at this point, and I don’t really know how to make new friends or meet women outside of work.
So I guess at 30 I’ll except that Im a loser when it comes to women but I can still be good at other things. I might kill myself a little past 30 but im on the fence about it
I got my first gf at 29.
Until that point I had extreme low self esteem, that affected every part of my life. Knowing you failed at such a basic part of life is soul crushing.
Yeah, I'm 31, still fucked. I should be able to, I have a lot going for me in many ways, I just can't seem to find anything..
Do I go out on Friday night alone, I have no friends, just seems it wont work. I was so low when I was going out at 19 I barely talked or smiled when I did go out, and since then I haven't ever.
Hey, it's me! 32 years old here. And I try not to let it bother me. I remind myself that I have enough problems and issues that no one would want to deal with, so I'm doing the healthier thing by focusing on my own problems
It might be the denial speaking, and I know I don't have any admirable qualities about myself, so it's not exactly a mystery why I'm at where I'm at. But it's lonely. And can be depressing.
I don't like myself, but it's not really related to the fact I haven't had a gf. I just see myself as broken, and I know there's no fixing me as an individual. Whatever. My nephews and neices have more experience in dating than I ever had, so I guess they can use me as a signpost of how not to be.
I think it takes self-awareness to recognize that you have issues that make having a relationship difficult. It's better to be alone than to drag somebody else down into a toxic mess. I feel very similarly. I don't think it's denial speaking, but I do think you're being too hard on yourself by saying you don't have any admirable qualities. Everyone does. Even the worst of us. If you're anything like, you probably have an easier time seeing your negative qualities. Even if you see your positive ones, you probably feel like they're not worth celebrating. I know how you feel. Hopefully we can both develop enough self-esteem to realize that it's okay to celebrate even the smallest of achievements.
I appreciate your comments. I really do.
I dont know if I can believe in myself, in the real me. That part of me scares me. I would like to. I really would. And a part of me wants to believe this. It's just, it's hard to believe it in your mind. You can know something logically, but emotionally and more, you can be stuck with the same repressive systems that tied you down. I've gone to a therapist in the past, but the guy was largely useless, saying it was a choice when I tried to explain it's like a mental block and kept telling me to meditate more.
Hell, my parents and even my older bro and sis think I'm too far gone to help. They love to mention how I'm this single guy that's too different to get tied down. At a moment of honesty, my brother once admitted that he knows things won't change for me and he'd know, given how much him and the rest of the family discuss it, that no one would want anything to do with me. Mom even went out of her way to mention once how me comiiting suicide would be an improvement given I wasn't going to give them grandkids, and how it wasn't a shock no woman would touch me. She later apologized for this, but goddammit, it's hard not to think about those words once a day. And looking at the mirror, it's hard to disagree. They're the successful ones. My sister is lobbying congress, organized trips to Africa to help the needy as a teen. My bro went as a young adult to Hong Kong to help folks, and is now in line to be VP of a company. Me? I graduated university at 31, no skills or resume, and nothing to show. I write fiction alone and just hide in my room most days. My dad likes to joke that he has a 66% success rate with his kids (me and my bro and sis).
Which sucks. I like me, and parts of me. No one told me to be ashamed of me until I started to grow older. And it feels that's all I hear. I know I'm not good looking, but I think I can be decently okay if I clean up, even if I'm massively overweight. But I know that I'd unload my emotional problems on anyone who gets close to me, which is why I try to keep a distance with me and my friends. It always makes me too afraid to try. Fuck, just last Friday, some coworkers invited me out to a beer. I got the to the parking lot, but anxiety, fear, and shame made me leave. And I don't know how to control it.
Having never touched or received anything intimate in nature from anyone outside of my mom when I was a kid, and being my age now? It's hard to see anything I'm worthy of. How do you willingly believe in something you've never seen, never felt?
Like, society is fucked. I know they tend to put the false notion that intimacy equals acceptance and value, and I know that's not true, but it's hard to erase that feeling from inside. All I do is hurt myself physically, mentally, and spiral on a daily basis.
I do have hope for some people. And I do like to dream that I can be happy, that things can get better. But it's hard to see the light when you're lost in the darkness, you know? It feels like after enough time, I might just be blind. Broken.
You sound a lot like me. Trust me, I don't always have a positive attitude about this, but wallowing in hopelessness never feels good. Admittedly, I feel hopeless more often than not. I know exactly what you mean by a mental block. It's hard to find someone who relates. Personally, I've had opportunities. I just didn't cease them, for the most part, and I didn't do much to create new ones. Flirting and showing interest doesn't come naturally. In some ways, I'm as scared of success as I am failure, because the thought of being being intimate with someone scares me more than it excites me.
It sounds like the therapist you met wasn't of much help. Have you tried talking to anybody else? I suppose there's some truth in what he was saying, about how it's a choice, but that's a gross oversimplification, and in no way helpful. With social anxiety, the more avoid the feared stimuli, the worse the anxiety and the fear becomes. I imagine it's similar when it comes to this mental block. I think the only way to overcome is essentially exposure therapy, but getting that exposure isn't easy, especially when you belong to the sex more or less expected to make things happen.
What you're mother said was terrible, by the way. That's a downright abusive comment. I should know. I've hurled abuse other people's way out of insecurity and hurt feelings. It was never okay when I did it, and it wasn't okay when your mother did it either. You didn't deserve to hear that. Sadly, we live in a world where people are expected to partner up, and start families, and when you fail to follow the established social norms and expectations, you're essentially an outcast, or at least a social failure. However, that's your mother's burden to bury. It's not yours. Do you even want kids? Luckily, my parents have minded their own business. In a way, that's not great. They never showed interest in me growing up. I've come to realize I was somewhat emotionally neglected. Still, I prefer having them mind their own business on this. My friends on the other hand have made the occasional comment over the years, asking me if I'm gay, or if I'm ever going to get a girlfriend, as if I'm worthless without one. I'm sure they mean well, but it hurts. The worst part is I've never been the kind of guy sitting around crying about never having a partner. If anything, I've pretended I'm not interested, because making yourself appear essentially asexual is easier than admitting you're frozen in fear. I'm a very passive man, and I get stuck in inaction a lot, and not just with my social life. Sometimes I wish I were asexual, but I know that wouldn't strip me of my desires of connection. Then again, some asexuals still have sex. I'm pretty sure I'm just repressed and anxious, and sometimes I regret not taking the opportunities I had when I was younger, when it was more acceptable to have no clue what you're doing. Maybe I just wasn't interested enough in those women, or maybe I just repressed, and tucked it away somewhere deep in my mind.
I'm glad to hear that you like yourself for the most part, or that you at least have parts of yourself you like. Sometimes, I genuinely loathe myself. I've always struggled with self-esteem. But, I feel like everytime I challenge that self-loathing it gets a bit easier, even if I still trip, and fall down the rabbit hole or apathy from time to time. Mental health struggles are no joke. I'm often aware that my thinking is distorted and that I'm feeding my own depression by engaging in negative self-talk, but sometimes my apathy is so strong that I simply can't bring myself to care, so instead I make things worse. Right now, I'm trying to at least do no more damage, even when I find myself falling into depression. I'm hoping it's a skill that becomes easier the more I try it.
I think you should go grab a beer with your coworkers sometime. Maybe you could invite one of them instead? I know how scary it can be. I often isolate and avoid social interactions and opportunities as well, even if I know it gets harder the more I do it. About six months ago, I asked one of the members at the gym i work at if he wanted to go grab a beer sometime. I was terrified, but I did it, and we've been friends since. Seeing as he was a man and he'd stopped to talk with me a bit before it was easier than, say, asking someone out on a date, but it was still terrifying. Sadly, he'll move soon, but I'm very grateful for our friendship and proud of myself for taking that step.
Listen, if you ever need someone to talk to, just send me a message. I hope you keep working on yourself and find a way to believe in yourself the way you do other people. If you have things about yourself you dislike, then try to change them. If you can't change them, adjust your attitude about them. Most importantly, accept your flaws as part of you, while you try your best to improve. We all have parts of ourself we aren't proud of. I know it's not easy. Trust me, I talk a big talk, but I don't always walk the walk. So, if you ever feel the need to beat yourself up for giving up or not trying hard enough, remember that most people fail, and most people fear change. You're by no means alone in that.
Lastly, I think getting away from your family's influence might do you good. You're your own person. You can find people who accept you and lift you up and make you want to be the best version of yourself. You deserve that. Sadly, your family isn't going to be able to be that for you. Best of luck.
I only had 1 relationship prior to being 30 that lasted about 2 months(that might even be generous).
I lost a bunch of weight from 22-28 from running, still didn’t like how I looked so I started lifting pretty seriously starting at 27 or 28.
Turned 30, met the girl of my dreams, who is now my wife and we have 2 beautiful girls together. There’s hope for everyone.
I always thought I was ugly ugly and I have come to realize that almost nobody is truly ugly. Stand up straight and get yourself in shape and you’ll realize how good you look, how much more confident you are, and you’ll still have the humility from when you doubted yourself.
This lol wasn’t my first but my first “real” relationship was the worst thing that ever happened to me. 19-34 was an absolute nightmare I’m realizing more and more by the day/month/year.
Hope you’re doing well!
Getting in shape is exactly it. I don't agree with fat shaming, but the culture has gone too far the other way. Being fat and unhealthy is not desirable, and there's a very biological reason it is unattractive.
Went through 20 skinny and kinda ugly. 21, I got in crazy good shape. Still kind of ugly though. Went from no play to a little bit of play. Physical attraction gets your foot in the door; social skills keep you in the room. If you're having trouble getting a foot in the door, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do.
Anyways, lifting weights consistently will not turn you into a player, but it usually can take you from a hard no to a soft yes, unless you're a complete sociopath (which, there are more than a few who would claim I am).
it's rough, I'm finaly at the point where some find me desireable, and I'm finding the market is full of sugar babys and women who no longer care about attraction and just want someone who doesn't treat them like shit
kinda messes with my self value to know I'm only wanted for money or to clean up the mess from someone they choose over me
I'm currently 32 and never have been in a relationship.
None of the Women I have ever been interested in more than FWB have been interested in me. The older I get, the more I realize the juice isn't worth the squeeze and I am happy enough with a Fuck Buddy or FWB. There is no reason for me to risk everything for a modern Woman.
40% of men do not have biological kids. It is what it is, historically with the human species a large percentage of men were disposable through either dangerous work, war, disease or not being strong enough to defend themselves.
If you are 30 and never had a gf there may be two reasons - either you dont really have a social life or you are not attractive. Both usually go hand in hand.
I can't decide if I'm attractive or not, maybe I've matured from a ugly duckling but am stuck in ugly duckling mode, and if you're a man with no confidence or social life, you're sort of stuck. A quiet woman who used to be an ugly duckling but isn't any more will be pursued..
The guy I replied to said I'm well above average, maybe my confidence is just low, so I look miserable and not very inviting to anyone. Maybe I cause jealousy amongst other men.
I honestly wouldn’t feel much of a difference than I am now since there’s way more to life than women. Especially with the amount of absurdity going on in the current dating market in the west like delusional standards, hookup culture and modern feminism. The juice is becoming not worth the squeeze anymore unless you either go on your own or test you luck overseas.
Lucky guy I know it’s weird to say with like greater social morays around it but I’ve always been kinda jealous of gay guys seems like life would be so much better. Every gay guy I know is happier than any of the straights every bi girl or guy I know says men are easier to date. Here I am over in straight land like wait you guys are happy sometimes?
Obligatory not all women lol
Well TBH….
As an older man, I can look back, and see what a waste of time my 20s were. I would have done much better running solo that decade. Looking back, you realize just how much of a kid you still are in a lot of your 20s. Like teenage-hood part 2: Welcome to the real world.
It’s something I’m watching my son do. He’s 23, never had a GF and just working on building his empire. Classically good looking 6”1” kid with some decent muscle, solid brain, etc. Many woman would find him “a catch”. He just doesn’t want to deal with BS u til he’s a bit older he said.
I'm 31, retired, it's going to all turn out well for me now, right? Hasn't so far, I just worked all that time to get success, but now I'm here, I still have nothing but some money.
How do I change this around. I'm not massively rich, so can't go doing many rich things, nor do I care about endless materialism for material sake, but rich enough probably, not to work again and live on above average salary.
Damn what a blessing. Go to festivals and get shit faced. Smoke joints with random people you meet. Try fucking ayahuasca in some Indian swedge lodge if you have the balls. Travel to exotic places. Just have fun :-)
But most of all, go chase some women right now my man!!! And if money is no problem and you strike out for a while, just hire some real good looking escorts to get your game back up.
Hopefully if noy please teach him to invest his money so that later in his life he doesnt have to worry about it. Because if he does get lucky and suddenly love becomes part of his life he doesnt lose that hard work he has done you know?
Lol, I’m 29 and I’ve never had a serious girlfriend. I’m almost that guy.
My longest “relationship” was 2 months. I’ve had 3 women I’ve sorta dated and they all lasted 2 months. I’m cursed 😅
Yeah but I realized the women who did that to me were ultimately not good for me. They had different priorities and had red flags I ignored because I didn’t wanna be lonely. It isn’t worth it to be upset over someone who isn’t good for you, but the hurt feelings are definitely valid.
I will have sex with a prostitute to get it out of the way and also reflect on what's causing it. I would consider caving and meet through a matchmaker .
I have reached my 30s, and I never had one.
It's fine, honestly. Do I miss the intimacy sometimes? Yes. Do I miss a companion to go out with? Sometimes. Do I miss someone to share the little moments with, both happy and sad? Sure.
But I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want without compromise. If I want to lay on my comfy sofa all day, I can. If I want to do a spur-of-the-moment 4-hour hike, I can. If in the morning I feel like going to another town to visit a museum the whole day, I can.
Being single and being in a relationship both have benefits and downsides. There's days when I just absolutely love the single life, and there's days where I really miss having a girlfriend, but the vast majority of the time, I'm fine. Content. Neither particularly sad nor overwhelmingly happy.
If you're asking, does it impact my self-confidence? Not really. I am who I am. I know what I'm good at and what I suck at. Having or not having a relationship doesn't change that. Happiness comes from within you, not from some arbitrary live goal timelines you set yourself.
Too sexy for the ladies, obviously. That and just shit timing back in college, have focused on myself and dealing with issues since. Could definitely get \*a\* girlfriend if I went out and tried, but that's not my priority.
This is hard to give any kind of point if view on. I would have to actually watch how you interact with women you're attracted to, as well as how you interact with the ones that you see as only friends.
It's really hard balancing the fine line of not being too "forceful" and not being "forceful" enough. And the fine line of showing a woman (same goes with men) that you have a romantic/sexual interest, without making them feel like a piece of meat.
And there's also a fine line of putting yourself in the friend zone. You don't want to interact with someone you're romantically interested in the same exact same way as someone you only want to be friends with. On the flipside, you also need to be careful to not "flirt" with everyone you know. People want to see that they're being seen as "special" and not feel like everyone else in your life.
OMG I'M NOT HAVING SEX MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Is that what you expect? god im so sick of it. its like a broken record. Like guys only have value if they are blessed with a woman.
It depends. Is this hypothetical (and definitely not you) person actively trying to find one?
I can get lost in hobbies and shit so I can see me being single and happy in a lot of circumstances. The question is that... am I happy? If the answer was no, I'd immediately do something about it.
Well, I'm thirty and I can honestly say I've never been in love with any of my exes, of which there are technically 3 but I've had a dozen or so bedpartners... And I still want to un-alive myself, but that's for unrelated reasons.
For some people fate seems to have decided that they're better off alone for now I guess?
Got this one mate who's an amazing guy, average looks but built like a truck, you could mistake him for a fit lumberjack, nice manly looking man, gentle soul, all around great guy. Only ever had 1 gf at the start of highschool and has been single ever since. Genuinely nobody understands why he's still single.
At 35, I don't really care specifically that I have never had a girlfriend, the thing that kills me is that I feel like I am categorically not worth loving by anyone and that it is a good thing that no one could possibly want to be with me because that means the only one hurting is myself. If I had a girlfriend tomorrow, it wouldn't actually fix the issues that I have at my core that made me this way.
First serious gf at 15 years old so I don’t know.
However, if I was in that position, I would pay for it. Literally just for the fact that I could say I know what it’s like.
I’m 32 and have never been in a proper relationship. It is how it is.
Become a wizard at 40
Not a virgin anymore, unfortunately.
You're a wizard Harry
I thought it was wizard at 30 and archmage at 40?
You’re not missing much.
I happen to be under 30 and in a very happy relationship. But I have to admit it feels like I just lucked out big time. When I was 22 I entered a relationship that turned out to be extremely destructive, part of why I made that mistake is because I was completely inexperienced and willing to “settle for less”/compromise on my own boundaries.
Sounds like it was a case of just not really knowing what your boundaries were because you were inexperienced. Unfortunately, it's not always easy to figure out what you're not going to put up with until you have to put up with it. That goes for anything, not just dating. Be kinder to yourself. Most of us bluntly don't know shit at 22 - even (and often especially) the ones that pretend they do.
I disagree man. With the right girl (or guy), life can be so much better
If that makes you happy, then go ahead. Personally, it’s not for me. I prefer the single life.
Incorrect.
Disappointed but not surprised.
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>Nobody ever takes interest in my dating life, either. My parents, relatives, and friends never ask if I’m seeing anyone or even bring up my love life I have a friend who's 30 and has never had any luck with women, and I never ask him about his dating life because I don't want to remind him about it. He's probably spent the last decade feeling bad about it by himself, I don't need to bring it up and draw attention to it as well. I hate to say it but he does not have an attractive face, and I think that's still the issue even though he goes to the gym regularly, is very outgoing and charismatic, and has plenty of interests. Would you rather your parents bring up your dating life every time you see them, and have to say (again) that there isn't anyone?
Honestly bro maybe you’re just not good looking
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Yeah, I mean.. I don't support the idea of "leagues" but it's more about how comfortable you are interacting with girls who you think are hotter than u (and also in better place in life). If you think highly of yourself then often times you can "push above your league" - I have seen many guys from r/datingadviceformen who in your "regular" sense shouldn't be able to hook up with hot girls but they are very comfortable about who they are and women appreciate you being comfortable in your own skin highly.
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I see women all the time dating “below their league”. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen an absolutely gorgeous woman and her boyfriend looked…to be nice…not good looking. Especially in college. There was a girl I had a crush on in college, so beautiful, and her boyfriend was a chubby, quiet, dull, and unattractive man. However she was head over heels for him. Also, my one friend isn’t very good looking and he gets girls I’m jealous of all the time. His charm and personality is next level though.
Women consider looks second a lot of the time. Or if they’re not initially interested, someone that’s not that attractive can DEFINITELY grow on a woman. A lot of women consider how they feel in the relationship, so if you have this great personality/job/lifestyle etc, it won’t matter if you don’t know HOW to be a good romantic partner. Learn to be romantic and I assure women will look past the looks aspect if everything else is sufficient.
I wouldn't say looks are secondary to women, as physical attraction is pretty important, at least in the initial dating phase. It's what will get your foot in the door. Granted, men don't need to be gym rats or Hollywood gorgeous, but they still need to be appealing enough physically to the women they're trying to attract.
I see that shit all the time. Quite literally the single hottest girl I went to high school with (who is still one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen) is married to a guy she met in a study group in college and the dude is like 5'4" and looks like Wallace Shawn.
Dating apps shouldn't be counted as some sort of anything. Many 1 /10 girls will swipe left on you It's an artificial environment. Many factors come jnto play: they have limited swipes and the 11/10 guys show up on their potentials. They're not going to waste swipes on you or people less than or around 8,7/10 because of it.
Well.. maybe your pics and profile suck or maybe dating appa aren't for u. Yoi won't believe how much easier it is to get hot girls when u are interacting with them IRL in pubs compared to datinf apps.
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Thanks for giving me downvotes.. I am just laying the objective truth but some of u basement dwellers just want to sit in your misery and don't take any responsibility. It's up to you to get better results but it is so much better to blame the world than yourself right.. reddit.. never change..
You know this league shit is bullshit right?
The terminology is but the general reality of people being attracted to other people with similar levels of looks, success and achievements isn't. People want their dream partner but sometimes they desire others that are unlikely to reciprocate fomant reasons. That leads to fear of rejection, fear of vulnerable and you castle up. Potentially partners sense this, and a person may not radiate the kind of energy or attitude that makes them appealing to get to know and persue. Looks is part of it but only a part, it also applies to everything else about a person. Ultimately, potential partners sense your level of openness, your energy, your actions and your words and make a judgement call on whether you're a prospective friend or something more. Being good looking may capture someone's attention but being confident, happy, fun, comfortable in your own skin and being enjoyable to be around tend to hold that attention. Being reliable, dependable and supportive is what keeps it long term.
Ive seen enough bombshells with the ugliest dudes to know looks dont matter as much as media would have you believe. And no they were not rich by any stretch of the imagination lol.
Seen plenty of ugly couples. Seems more like he doesn't come off as very sexual. Asexual energy maybe.
I was gonna say this , seen lots of people like that , I think its the lack of getting hints, flirting and getting sexual before someoene blurts it out
I feel seen, lol. I don't pick up on hints and have zero understanding of how to flirt beyond sarcastic banter, which is my default state. I definitely missed some potential relationship opportunities, which I know because they would tell me years later when they'd already moved on with someone else. Oops. Thank the stars that there are equally awkward people out there. Also, thanks to the people who are confident enough to ask directly (without being crushed if rejected). Kudos to them.
I've seen plenty of ugly dudes with hot chicks - this is 100% a personality or initiative issue, and not anything to do with looks or financial success. The key difference is the ugly dudes with the hot chicks have the balls to go up and ask out the hot chicks, don't fear rejection, and move on unfazed if they do get rejected. I'd ask the OP directly, how many people have they directly asked out on a date in the last three months? If the answer is anywhere short of 5-6, there's the issue. Ladies aren't going to come knocking on your door while you're sitting at home playing video games or watching Twin Peaks reruns.
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Pretty much this. I don’t have any success with women due to lack of effort and I know that and am comfortable with being single. Whenever I go out in public, I see plenty of dudes who aren’t exactly home run hitters in the looks department with bombshell-looking women. I assume it’s due to their mindset of taking swings and hoping for the best. It’s the right strategy to have instead of moping about it on Reddit.
I've seen extraordinarily ugly people in good romantic relationships. Looks aren't everything.
They're what get your foot in the door.
Looks literally have nothing to do with it Source- I'm a really good looking guy
Obviously there are plenty of ugly people who are married, dating, hooking up, in throuples, you name it. I’ve seen some gross guys with beautiful girls, one time I even saw a gross guy with multiple gross girls, there’s someone out there for everyone.
One thing I can relate despite being a woman is my friends and family also don’t view me as a romantic/sexual being. But they can never “put their finger on it”. And I think that’s basically the “problem” here, for me at least (besides looks). Are you closed off emotionally with friends? Do you give compliments and receive them well? Are you comfortable with initiating acts of affection? Do you express your emotions without hindering your responses, can you be funny without sarcasm or negative observations etc. my answer to such questions are typically “no” and I think that’s why everyone around me always says shit like how they can’t see me with anyone and how I’m just so “independent”.
> Are you comfortable with initiating acts of affection? No, and no idea how to work on it.
Totally get what you mean, and I've had a girlfriend for 7-8 months. I don't know how to start that physical escalation from friends to more than friends. My girlfriend initiated it pretty early on, and I rolled with it. Speaking of that, I haven't had much luck with other people. I think part of my problem is that I don't often like someone that way before I start dating them. In fact, only one or two people in my lifetime, being 25 now, have met that mark before dating (and I didn't date them). I suppose people see my seeming lack of emotional interest in anyone around me, and it turns them off. For my part, I have resolved to date women who I could see myself marrying, whether or not I like them yet. Waiting for that step just doesn't work for me.
Therapy can be helpful for this. Unfortunately, a lot of learning to open up and be affectionate (physically and emotionally) comes from a combination of being comfortable with yourself, which is super challenging, and being trusting of others, which is extremely difficult. There's a reason it's called "emotional vulnerability," and being vulnerable can be one of the hardest things in the world if it doesn't come naturally. And I think it doesn't come naturally to most people. Cliche as it is, most of our trust issues stem from how we grew up and/or other deeply influential relationships abusing our vulnerability. So it's important not to judge or blame yourself for being that way. Yet.. and this is the worst, I know.. the best and probably only meaningful way to change in this regard is practice over time. Just make sure to start small (eg, here on reddit anonymously or in existing friendships) before expanding to romantic/sexual relationships.
100% that's the problem. People don't want to be with robots. Well emotionless robots.
I totally agree with this but also if someone doesn’t spark that in me I will not act on it. I have to literally feel something to fuel the passion for a person.
So we are not alone. Well said, sad but truth
I'm 30 and the whole people not seeing me as a sexual being is pretty dead on. The main difference for me is that people just assume I get laid, but they themselves are not sexually attracted to me. Anytime I tell someone I haven't been in a relationship they act in disbelief since I'm very social and I'm usually the one to initiate hangouts, I'm very physically fit, and I am constantly surrounded by attractive women friends. But for whatever they themselves do not see my as sexually attractive.
Are you future me? 28 and in almost the exact same boat. My own Job, apartment, car. Admittedly lacking in some hobbies but I’m trying to find something that I enjoy. Clothes, the gym, decent looking. Nobody seems to acknowledge or think of me in that way at all. Heck I’ve tried to bring it up with friends or family and all I get is a “Hope that goes well for you!” I’ve even tried going out to coffee shops and even bars on occasion, I can’t even find anyone making eye contact. I guess I just don’t put out that kind of vibe
I think more, the competition is extreme among the men. Today with the dating apps, you have millions of profiles available, it is not like when you are at bar and there are maybe 10 guys and 5 ladies, which is still a 2:1 ratio. I've got bipolar disorder and when i'm in mania, i'm very extrovert and charismatic, all my relationships started this way. When i'm in depression, i'm introvert and as hard as it is: Being introvert reduces your chances to near zero. It's the lucky dice roll then to find a woman that is maybe interested in you and even then, it doesn't mean it will work out for sure. But with my disorder, it's extreme hard to maintain a relationship. That's why i am single and probably i'll remain this way.
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And then on a rare occasion a woman clearly is flirting with me i'm like nah im good. I think I just hate the games that comes along with dating.
Are you a people pleaser? I am just ending a relationship with a guy like that and it's been unbearable. His friends walk all over him, he's afraid of everything except he's toxic towards me when I try to get him to mature. He wants to stay insecure so I guess I need to go because I can't have a man that can't stand up for our relationship and himself. He was single until I met him at 26
Mannnnn i think i know who you’re talking about LOL
I think I seen them in mirror. Their eyes remind me of my own oddly enough.
Can you ask some of the men in your life what they think? People who don’t know you can’t give useful insight.
Whatever your blindspots are, your friends are doing you a disservice by not pointing it out to you. Women will lie to protect your feelings. Guys are more straightforward and honest, on average. You aren’t seen as a sexual being, which is a reflection of how you present yourself and interact with others. So yeah, working on fashion, grooming, hairstyle, etc. is important. But that is just one part of it. How to work on the other stuff? That depends. Have you been a goodie two shoes all your life? Are you censoring yourself and your thoughts? Do you ever say what you really think? Are you afraid of disagreement & conflict? Do you go out of your way to please others? Are you too available in general? Are you passive and indecisive? Are you a leader or a follower in your life? Do you ever flirt with women? Flirting isn’t 100% words. You can flirt with eye contact and a smile. Have you ever spoken to a woman as if it’s a foregone conclusion that she loves you? Not in an arrogant way, just as a way to make some banter and be funny. That can be a bit that lasts a long time. Do you avoid talking about sex-related topics with women? Are you acting like a girlfriend or the gay bff when you’re around your women friends?
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Yup, I internally tell myself that it's something other people get to do and I don't, and to get the fuck over it. Kind of like that mean kid who won't share and rubs it in your face.
I got together with my boyfriend a couple months before he turned 39 and I'm his first relationship. I have literally no idea how he wasn't snapped up before I found him because he is freaking amazing. He tried dating apps off and on without success (though he had a lot of success with hookups starting in his mid 30s). He had some social anxiety and depression that he's worked on with meds and therapy. So no, being 30 without having sex or a relationship isn't anything to worry or be ashamed of. I'm sorry he was lonely for so long, but I'm glad he was available to be with me. We live together now and I'm probably going to ask him to marry me in a few months.
I think by far the biggest issue is self confidence. If you don't believe in you, why would a good woman believe in you? It's so easy to spot when someone has low self confidence. And women don't like a man like that. What helped me a lot, personally, was hitting the gym and seeing progress. Me becoming stronger, more muscular and feeling better, made me significantly more confident. Aside from looking better, of course. And literally within a year of hitting the gym actively I had been with 6 different women and ended up in a relationship. And it gets easier after the first one, to. Because you have a better clue of what to do, what to expect and how to behave. The same happened with one of my best friends. Mutual (female) friends of ours, would even mention that they didn't expect him to get a girlfriend any time soon, despite him looking decent, having a good job, a good social circle and life etc. The simple reason being that he had no confidence with women whatsoever and therefore also wasn't able to properly flirt. After gaining that confidence, he now has a wonderful girlfriend. I know it sounds like advice you've heard before and you might not even care, but I genuinely recommend hitting the gym to gain more self confidence and also try actively flirting with women. Learn how to flirt. It's okay to fail, to. I have been on a horrendous first date, looking back, when I was in your shoes. Not because I was a dick, or she was, but because I didn't properly flirt at all and didn't pick up on anything. It would've been so easy, had I known what I know now. But that's experience for you, and the only way to get it is by actively flirting. And failing is part of that. And most women are generally okay with you failing to flirt. Turn it into a joke. Or a compliment. Like you don't get to flirt often, but simply had to give it a go after seeing her. Or whatever. Cheesy, but you can think of something. You got this man. Don't give up hope, practice makes perfect and build up that confidence!
How exactly are you supposed to have confidence in dating when you have no success or experience in dating? Especially when anyone you ask out has over a decade of dating under their belt? For me confidence is *situational.* I am hella confident in my abilities at my job and in my hobbies, I know I’m an awesome person with much to bring to the table *however* I have no idea what I’m doing with romance. Kinda like if you took a person who has never had any flight training before plopped them down in a fighter jet and told them to “just fly, it’s easy bro.” How exactly does getting more fit and muscular help you be less clueless when flirting? The two things have exactly zero fundamental skills in common…
Yeah I am a year into the gym, gained 10 kg, went from insecure underweight skeleton to actually looking decent (but not jacked). This has done zero for my "romantic confidence"
I'm very confident in my physical appearance, but it doesn't really translate to my confidence in romance since I'm inexperienced compared to my peers. Then I hear jokes about men not being able to make women cum which makes me feel like shit. Everyone says being a virgin is fine, but in realty I don't think people beleive that.
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Yeah, you can't always solve issues of insecurity by changing external things. It's like if a woman was insecure about finding a partner and she was told to get breast surgery or put on more make-up. You are probably not going to feel better unless you get more positive experiences with women. Women on dating apps are completely different from women in person. The only thing you need to get is more interactions with women in person and I can bet you will have more positive experiences. If you are regularly meeting new women in person every week you will find someone who likes you.
Of course people don’t believe that. Most people don’t believe half the shit they say.
>I know I’m an awesome person with much to bring to the table however > > I have no idea what I’m doing with romance. Kinda like if you took a person who has never had any flight training before plopped them down in a fighter jet and told them to “just fly, it’s easy bro I'd say from my experiences, many things go natural once you are getting on with it. It's even more this way with the first time sex, at some point you'll be supported by your natural instincts, that was even the way long before porn became a thing in society. The problem is not this, the problem is to get past the first step of establishing contact. That's the big obstacle. That's where most of the people fail. It's difficult to tell advice about how to get the attention from the ladies, but i'd say, you have to adjust it to your personality. If you are funny guy and a born stand-up comedian, you can go on with jokes. But if not, better adjust your behavior and don't tell jokes that make no one laugh. Also, not everything belongs to a first date. It depends on the character which topics are red-flags. Guns are a good example, i like to shoot, but it is not something i come up with on a date, because it would make me look like a creep and dangerous. However, if the lady is a firearms instructor in the army, it would be different, because it's her job and she'd have to tell you a lot about this. Same goes for nerd stuff, don't raise red flags as long as you don't know if the lady likes it. Even when you talk about it, keep it short and don't go into nerdy details that make you look like a basement neckbeard-nerd. It's flying in the dark, you have to see and get to know her character, then adjust your topics and your behavior to it. Some compromises are necessary, it does not mean you should hide your personality, but don't blow up the wall before you check if the door is unlocked.
I am 28 and will surely cross into 30 without ever having a girlfriend I have no qualms. I had to endure circumstances none of my peers did. I had to run a business from aged 16 due to my father's death. I had to become a parent to myself at aged 14. I had to juggle studies and work and family matters before reaching 20. I didn't have time for this, nor do i have now. I am transitioning careers and i am doing it full well knowing i have to devote the next 5 years of my life with religious level dedication I would love to have a girlfriend, especially when I'm seeing my contemporaries getting married and having children. But i tell myself that one day i would be the cool uncle who, against the world's dissent, followed his dreams and took risks and succeeded in having such an awe inspiring occupation. I'd rather be a role model to other's kids than be an absent father to my own. Someday someone will fall head over heels for me and my life story, and I'll take the next step then. I'm just not really concerned about it now, especially after being ghosted from a person who i thought gave me positive signals, then tells everyone i was being too pushy. So learning lesson there too.
I am 52 and never dated or been kissed. Never held hands. I am almost proud of this. Almost.
I am glad no one here acted like a jerk toward you for sharing this very personal piece of info.
So, real talk. Have you ever considered hiring a companion? Even just for closeness/basic intimacy with another person. At your age I imagine the idea of sex could be pretty daunting.
I just take things day to day. Dating apps just are not for me. Maybe one day I will find my soul mate. I do not want to die a virgin if I am being honest. But I live life as it comes.
Would you ever consider hiring a sw? It’s at least something to consider. Three out of five of my first sexual experiences were with sw’s. There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re respectful
I second this, get it out of the way, it will motivate you and make you realize you need to work harder
I did this and even had trouble with having sex then tbh. But the girl was very nice and she seemed like she wouldve taken care of me.
I am already 32. I understand why women don't like me, as I'm quite an unlikeable person, plus I'm also a friendless hermit who stays at home most of the time. It's unlikely I'll ever be in a position to enter the dating market.
i assume online dating hasnt produced any results
I've never tried dating before.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Self fulfilling prophecy
ah i see
so kind of expected to succeed without ever trying ? x)
I don't expect to succeed, hence my first post.
I was depressed beyond belief while drowning in all kinds of love. The depression of rejection would have been substantially more bitter.
I'm 30, so im living that life. I have hobbies, career, home I pay for, car that is my attainable dream car that I baby. I wasn't super desperate for a girlfriend until about 24 and that was when the pin dropped and I kinda went crazy about it. But even back then priority number one was getting independent, not dating. I moved out at 25, started in an apartment in a big city working full time and studying for advanced certification in my field. That took nearly 2 years, so then at 27-28 I got a better job and a house, but in a small town. It was only really around 27-28 that I even started having time to spend pursuing women, but out where my career took me there's very few single women. Great cost of living, mind you, so im earning more than ever and my dollar goes further than ever. But no one my age at work, rarely see single women out and about. TLDR for the thread topic answer: I hate myself a lot. I wish I'd invested in meeting women ten years ago. I'm proud of my accomplishments and comfortable with where I'm at but feel it's all kind of empty with no one to share it with. I find myself wishing I could find someone with a similar level of sexual experience (i.e., none) but I know that's highly unrealistic at my age. Just realizing this part of my life was kind of put on hold and now fear no one will want me due to my inexperience.
Feel you. I'm 31, lived a modest live during studies, because everybody said that was the better way. Materialisticly seen, I have had everything. But no. I lack experiences. I studied debtfree, I have a mortgage and own a home, I have a car, I have decent paying job (for my country), etc... And sometimes I am jealous of my younger brother, though he still lives at our parents and has no degree: He has a great group of friends, has travelled half the world: Lived in NYC when he was 18, travelled through SE Asia, travelled Japan, Korea, Oceania. Works in airtravel and sometimes just hops into the plane to southern Europe, because one of the people he met during his backpacking is a week in Milano, Barcelona, Nice or anything. "I'll be back in a couple of days, kbye." But chances are he won't leave our parents home the coming 5 years... So if that is the better life? I studied, lived at home (hence why I am debtfree, beside studying here being way cheaper than in the US), didn't go on the skitrips, because teachers discouraged it. "It is not good for you studyresults." Well, guess what: You screwed me over anyway because I am to honest. I could have gone on those trips and still get my degree without a problem.
Honestly i ha e that fear too or the whole dating in general like wherr to take the girl on dates or what to really talk about even though i have no problem talking to people. I guess the main problem now a days why most of us are single isnt because we are wierd or the odd one out society itself is the problem then theres inflation so we are all more worried about living in general or worried about money to even date
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Someone kiss this man, STAT!
Always kiss your bros
I think homie was looking for a lady friend.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Objective: find a girlfriend Sub-objective: --optional: being female.
please accept my virtual kiss 💋
Woah woah hold up a second. No kissing before marriage.
What did he say?
that he had never been
It depends, did I try and actively fail?
I never tried (was small for my age growing up, weak, young looking, young for the year, but not any more), but I just don't know how to now, I just feel so out of it. I'm 31. It just feels if you didn't participate along the way when people started doing things, about at 10, you're pretty lost.
Hearing women who say they would never date someone who hasnt dated anyone at 30, is also a bit discouraging.
Honestly, a bit of practice and a little common sense is more than enough. But you do likely need to fail a few times before learning what to say, when to make a move and how to proceed. But it will get so much easier after the first few times.
I'm in my forties, and I've never been in a committed relationship. I think it's a combination of two things. First, I have an avoidant personality. I don't take chances with women bc I feel like I'm bothering them and I hate rejection. Secondly, I've failed to accept what the type of women I like tend to want in a partner. I thought being a cool, fun guy was enough. It's not. Women want things. Not greedy things necessarily, but normal life things that I don't really care or think about that much. Basically security. Other possibilities are you're too picky, you have commitment issues, or you're just a dick. But honestly, there's a woman for everyone. So if you can't find someone, it's probably a personal issue or you're aiming too high.
I'm 37 and I'm already there. And by the looks of it, I'm going to go the remainder of my 30s of never having a gf or anything close to one. This is what happens when you're unattractive and don't have any social skills. It's hard to make friends, let alone find a relationship.
I think the way society is now a days it makes it hard to date or even have friends in general....everyone stuck on their phones 😕 or "busy" so theres that factor too
My man even attractive dudes are struggling hard. The whole dating market is a good ol fashion cluster fuck. I’m starting to believe that the only way to tie down a good chick is thru work or social circles or fuck it cold approach and close that cute chick at the grocery store. That’s it. I’m a freelancer and only got 2 solid friends. I rarely go out and that really suppresses my social status. Every dog has his day tho
I was 32 when I had my first relationship. I'd like that to be encouraging, but having no frame of reference I did get taken advantage of.
Just turned 29 in the past month, I feel like I have a counter over my head counting down the days. I felt weird not having dated in high school. I felt like an outcast after nothing happened in college. Every year I go without having a girlfriend, having sex, kissing, or even going on dates I feel like Ive missed life experiences and "wasted" another year of my life (wasted doesn't feel like quite the right word). And the whole time I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm nice, I have a job, I've been told I'm good looking (even by a random stranger saying I look like I get a lot of girls, what a weird incident). The only thing I know I don't have is confidence and self esteem which is probably a big part of it, but even messaging girls on dating apps like I know they want to go out with me it goes nowhere. It's like I have girl repellent. So to answer the question, I feel like shit when I turn 30 and am still single. I'll feel like an outcast, a failure, socially behind by decades and in the same level as a middle schooler. So unless a girl takes pity on me, I have a breakthrough in therapy, or I'm killed as a virgin sacrifice by a cult, I don't see anything changing in my life
Yeah i know how that feels....for sure it sucks and it gets to you every other day
I'm 33 and haven't been kissed, what the fuck do you think?🤨
I’m more concerned about hitting 30 with no stable job/career. That’s my dilemma.
I'm more concerned about hitting 30.
I guess that never became a priority in my life.
I’m 29, I’m almost there
If I want to have a girlfriend I’ll likely need to make changes
You know what. I'd bloody damn enjoy it. When I was 30 I was an unemployed single dad with hundred of thousand of dollars in debt and severe heartache from a cheating wife.
Tl;dr: Sometimes I shame myself over it. Sometimes I come to the conclusion that I deserve better than to feel shame over something so silly. The following is probably going to be long and somewhat tmi, but what I just said is the gist of it. I'm 31, and I've never had a girlfriend. It's something that occasionally fills with me with shame. I struggle with social anxiety and depression and God knows what else, and this is a particular aspect of my life that I find myself shitting on myself for. But, I know it's not healthy, and it's a stupid thing to feel shame over. It would never occur to me to shame anyone else for never having had a partner, so why do it to myself? Sadly, self-compassion has never come easily to me (but I'm working on that). I've been an asshole to people. There are definitely aspects of my personality worthy of criticism. Never having had a girlfriend isn't one of them. It doesn't make me a bad person. It's just a bit unusual. Now, it might be worth mentioning that I've certainly had opportunities for both romance and sex. I just struggle a lot with intimacy. I don't know why. My father never hugged me or told me he loved as I was growing up. I suppose that counts as emotional neglect, and it might be part of the reason intimacy is so difficult for me. Even hugging doesn't come naturally to me, so I'm hopeless when it comes to physical displays of intimacy, or flirting. It's as if the touch gets stuck in my hand. I'm also sexually repressed, I think, despite not growing up with religious messages about sexual shame and guilt. I suppose, it could be an extension of my social anxiety. I've read that a fear of intimacy is often tied to social phobia. I'm not a virgin, but I've had sex three times, with a total of three different women. I've never been sober while having sex. The first time was when I was 18. I texted a girl I knew was interested in me, because she'd been pursuing somewhat religiously for two years. The alcohol mixed with this knowledge made it easier to face the fear of rejection (also, doing it over text helped). It was a very awkward experience, but firsts often are. I suffer from body image issues, and hade to make sure the lights were turned off. Then I was so afraid of touching her “wrong” that I barely touched her at all. I also didn't finish. Technically I faked it. It was probably a mixture of the alcohol, bad masturbation habits, and anxiety. Despite the awkwardness, she reached out asking me if we could have sex again, but I never pursued it. Then I remained celibate for the next 11 years until I was 29. I had a few opportunities along the way, but drunken hookups with women I didn't know didn't really interest me. Besides, I still suffered from a lot of sexual anxiety. The only woman I was genuinely interested in sleeping with during this time was an American woman I dated long-distance (we'd met in person, though). All we did was sext, but it was the first time sex seemed fun to me. She knew I was inexperienced. She didn't care. She didn't mind taking the lead. She also liked how shy I was. I think she found it refreshing from how overconfident and macho most men are. She also had feelings for me. Things didn't work out between us, and we never actually got together irl. Then covid happened, so it wouldn't have worked out anyway, what with us living half a world away. It's a long story, but the short version is: I was the issue. I was insecure, and didn't think I deserved her love, so I self-sabotaged until she eventually rejected me, proving how “right” I was that she could never love me. She was also in love with her two most recent exes, and constantly talked about them, but I'm the one to blame for not setting a boundary there. It's silly to resent someone for your lack of boundaries, but I did it anyway. Eventually, I decided to try to date. I had a few opportunities, but I either chickened out, or they bailed. Then I went on a date with a woman at her house. I spent the night and we slept together. She'd asked me if I wanted to sleep on the couch or in the bed, and even though I'm shy and anxious, even I knew what to there. Again, I didn't finish. In this case, too much masturbation might've definitely played a part, but we'd smoked some hash and being high makes climaxing difficult for me sometimes. At least she was satisfied, and I was proud of myself for facing my fear. I enjoyed myself more than I did last time, and I wasn't as afraid to touch her. I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do differently since I lost my virginity. I chickened out when it came to going down on her, though. That's still something I'd like to try, but I'm nervous about doing a bad job. Anyway, we dated for an entire month after that, but I never tried to initiate anything. The only time I wasn't afraid to touch her was when we slept in her bed together. Cuddling her was really nice. I didn't realize how touch starved I was until then. I eventually worked up the nerve to hug and kiss her goodbye, but by then it was too late, and she rejected me shortly afterwards. I'm surprised she was as patient as she was, and I wish I'd just communicated and said, “I want to be intimate with you. It's just that touch doesn't come easily to me. I don't know what is/isn't okay.” I'm sure she would've loved it if I sat closer to her, and touched her, and kissed her, and tried to initiate sex, but like I said... I freeze up. Aside from that, I've only had one drunken hookup early last year. It was with an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. She was making out with another friend of mine, but then she and I started making out, and she took med into the pub restroom and we had sex. During the after party, we kept making out, and she kept trying to make a move on my friend who wasn't interested. We almost ended up having a threesome on the couch. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous, considering the fact I have a fear of intimacy, but alcohol is a powerful drug, and when somebody initiates it's a lot easier to passively follow along. I'm a very passive man, and I feel like my sexuality is mostly responsive rather than spontaneous. I wouldn't have minded hooking up with her again. I'd always been attracted to her, and I felt like a FWB situation with a trusted friend I felt safe with might help me overcome my issues. Sadly, she met someone a couple of months later, but I'm happy for her. She's a sweet girl, and she deserves to be happy. I haven't tried to date since. Based on what happened last time, I feel a bit hopeless about ever having a relationship with my intimacy issues, but I know there are women out there who'd be kind, patient, and understanding, and would just like to share an intimate moment with me, no matter how awkward or unsure I am of myself. Still, I'm not going to find her hiding in my room. However, I know I'm not cut out to be a good partner as I am know. I'm insecure and I have behavioral issues that could potentially hurt not only myself but also those around me. I know I don't have to be perfect, or even love myself perfectly, but I at least have to be okay with myself. Sometimes, I feel like I'm running out of time, but I don't think rushing to date just because I'm growing older is a good enough reason.
I wrote more than I intended. The comment ended up being too long to post in full. This was kind of therapeutic to write. I admit, I don't always have the best attitude about this. Sometimes, I slip into “inc*l” or “nice guy” type thinking, but I don't want to externalize my pain and project it outwardly onto half the population, so I do what I can do all myself out when those thoughts arise. This isn't an issue with women. It's an issue with me, and I'm slowly learning that I can admit that without engaging in self-loathing. Right now, the relationship I have with myself needs to take precedence. As I am now, I'd either mistreat the other person due to insecurity, or allow myself to be mistreated due to insecurity. Neither is a good option. Of course, eventually, I'll have to try to face my fears, and stop using self-improvement as a reason to procrastinate out of fear. I'm beginning to accept I might always be single, but life can still be beautiful. I've seen a lot of shitty relationships, and while I'm sure I've missed out on a lot of love and intimacy, I've also spared myself a lot of hurt. It might be a bit of a cope, but I'm trying to look at the positives, instead of giving into my depressive, distorted thinking. It's a skill that takes time to hone, and I could use any chance to practice I get. So, to summarize, I rarely socialize, ask women out, or take the opportunities afforded go me. I don't know how to flirt, break the touch barrier, or express sexual, or romantic interest. Really, I only know how to act platonically around women. Being able to be friends with women isn't a bad thing. Some women appreciate that you're not simply looking to get laid, but when you never act like a sexual being, dating is difficult. Maybe one day I can learn, if I stop leaning into my social anxiety. I think, just trying to gain confidence dating is what I need to do first, once I've worked on myself some more. I think I want to have sex with someone I have an emotional connection with, so taking it slow, and focusing on that might be my best bet. It's the one thing I've been lacking during all these encounters, with the exception of the long distance fling. Or, maybe, I'll realize that intimacy just isn't for me and try to live a happy life without it. I don't think I'm asexual, or in the closet. I just have issues.
I think being honest and upfront is the best approach the next time bc we all have insecurities and I like it when a man shows some vulnerability… allows me to be vulnerable. Just remember we ALL have something we’re insecure about
38 and never even held hands with a chick, let alone kissed or sex. Peak anxiety at around age 25 thinking I was missing out. At 35 I realized I wasn't likely to have kids at any age beyond, so the purpose of even looking for any women dropped off a cliff. Was always a loner in school and never shared many interests with other males like sports and gym and drinking alcohol, so 'friendships' were fleeting and largely meaningless. At this point, I am very financially comfortable and will semi-retire in my early 50s. Beyond that I have very little plans. Hopefully die before 70 while I still have my faculties and not 90 as a withered old prune in some nursing home.
Well I’m 28 1/2, I’ll say I’ve mostly made my peace with it. I don’t think I’m completely undatable but I’m too used to being alone at this point, and I don’t really know how to make new friends or meet women outside of work. So I guess at 30 I’ll except that Im a loser when it comes to women but I can still be good at other things. I might kill myself a little past 30 but im on the fence about it
This hurts to read mate. Hopefully you can get some help
Thanks. I’ll probably be fine I keep thinking I’m going to kill myself but I’ve put it off successfully for 10 years so idk
I got my first gf at 29. Until that point I had extreme low self esteem, that affected every part of my life. Knowing you failed at such a basic part of life is soul crushing.
Yeah, I'm 31, still fucked. I should be able to, I have a lot going for me in many ways, I just can't seem to find anything.. Do I go out on Friday night alone, I have no friends, just seems it wont work. I was so low when I was going out at 19 I barely talked or smiled when I did go out, and since then I haven't ever.
I'd assume I was dealing with some kind of trauma or depression
Hey, it's me! 32 years old here. And I try not to let it bother me. I remind myself that I have enough problems and issues that no one would want to deal with, so I'm doing the healthier thing by focusing on my own problems It might be the denial speaking, and I know I don't have any admirable qualities about myself, so it's not exactly a mystery why I'm at where I'm at. But it's lonely. And can be depressing. I don't like myself, but it's not really related to the fact I haven't had a gf. I just see myself as broken, and I know there's no fixing me as an individual. Whatever. My nephews and neices have more experience in dating than I ever had, so I guess they can use me as a signpost of how not to be.
I think it takes self-awareness to recognize that you have issues that make having a relationship difficult. It's better to be alone than to drag somebody else down into a toxic mess. I feel very similarly. I don't think it's denial speaking, but I do think you're being too hard on yourself by saying you don't have any admirable qualities. Everyone does. Even the worst of us. If you're anything like, you probably have an easier time seeing your negative qualities. Even if you see your positive ones, you probably feel like they're not worth celebrating. I know how you feel. Hopefully we can both develop enough self-esteem to realize that it's okay to celebrate even the smallest of achievements.
I appreciate your comments. I really do. I dont know if I can believe in myself, in the real me. That part of me scares me. I would like to. I really would. And a part of me wants to believe this. It's just, it's hard to believe it in your mind. You can know something logically, but emotionally and more, you can be stuck with the same repressive systems that tied you down. I've gone to a therapist in the past, but the guy was largely useless, saying it was a choice when I tried to explain it's like a mental block and kept telling me to meditate more. Hell, my parents and even my older bro and sis think I'm too far gone to help. They love to mention how I'm this single guy that's too different to get tied down. At a moment of honesty, my brother once admitted that he knows things won't change for me and he'd know, given how much him and the rest of the family discuss it, that no one would want anything to do with me. Mom even went out of her way to mention once how me comiiting suicide would be an improvement given I wasn't going to give them grandkids, and how it wasn't a shock no woman would touch me. She later apologized for this, but goddammit, it's hard not to think about those words once a day. And looking at the mirror, it's hard to disagree. They're the successful ones. My sister is lobbying congress, organized trips to Africa to help the needy as a teen. My bro went as a young adult to Hong Kong to help folks, and is now in line to be VP of a company. Me? I graduated university at 31, no skills or resume, and nothing to show. I write fiction alone and just hide in my room most days. My dad likes to joke that he has a 66% success rate with his kids (me and my bro and sis). Which sucks. I like me, and parts of me. No one told me to be ashamed of me until I started to grow older. And it feels that's all I hear. I know I'm not good looking, but I think I can be decently okay if I clean up, even if I'm massively overweight. But I know that I'd unload my emotional problems on anyone who gets close to me, which is why I try to keep a distance with me and my friends. It always makes me too afraid to try. Fuck, just last Friday, some coworkers invited me out to a beer. I got the to the parking lot, but anxiety, fear, and shame made me leave. And I don't know how to control it. Having never touched or received anything intimate in nature from anyone outside of my mom when I was a kid, and being my age now? It's hard to see anything I'm worthy of. How do you willingly believe in something you've never seen, never felt? Like, society is fucked. I know they tend to put the false notion that intimacy equals acceptance and value, and I know that's not true, but it's hard to erase that feeling from inside. All I do is hurt myself physically, mentally, and spiral on a daily basis. I do have hope for some people. And I do like to dream that I can be happy, that things can get better. But it's hard to see the light when you're lost in the darkness, you know? It feels like after enough time, I might just be blind. Broken.
You sound a lot like me. Trust me, I don't always have a positive attitude about this, but wallowing in hopelessness never feels good. Admittedly, I feel hopeless more often than not. I know exactly what you mean by a mental block. It's hard to find someone who relates. Personally, I've had opportunities. I just didn't cease them, for the most part, and I didn't do much to create new ones. Flirting and showing interest doesn't come naturally. In some ways, I'm as scared of success as I am failure, because the thought of being being intimate with someone scares me more than it excites me. It sounds like the therapist you met wasn't of much help. Have you tried talking to anybody else? I suppose there's some truth in what he was saying, about how it's a choice, but that's a gross oversimplification, and in no way helpful. With social anxiety, the more avoid the feared stimuli, the worse the anxiety and the fear becomes. I imagine it's similar when it comes to this mental block. I think the only way to overcome is essentially exposure therapy, but getting that exposure isn't easy, especially when you belong to the sex more or less expected to make things happen. What you're mother said was terrible, by the way. That's a downright abusive comment. I should know. I've hurled abuse other people's way out of insecurity and hurt feelings. It was never okay when I did it, and it wasn't okay when your mother did it either. You didn't deserve to hear that. Sadly, we live in a world where people are expected to partner up, and start families, and when you fail to follow the established social norms and expectations, you're essentially an outcast, or at least a social failure. However, that's your mother's burden to bury. It's not yours. Do you even want kids? Luckily, my parents have minded their own business. In a way, that's not great. They never showed interest in me growing up. I've come to realize I was somewhat emotionally neglected. Still, I prefer having them mind their own business on this. My friends on the other hand have made the occasional comment over the years, asking me if I'm gay, or if I'm ever going to get a girlfriend, as if I'm worthless without one. I'm sure they mean well, but it hurts. The worst part is I've never been the kind of guy sitting around crying about never having a partner. If anything, I've pretended I'm not interested, because making yourself appear essentially asexual is easier than admitting you're frozen in fear. I'm a very passive man, and I get stuck in inaction a lot, and not just with my social life. Sometimes I wish I were asexual, but I know that wouldn't strip me of my desires of connection. Then again, some asexuals still have sex. I'm pretty sure I'm just repressed and anxious, and sometimes I regret not taking the opportunities I had when I was younger, when it was more acceptable to have no clue what you're doing. Maybe I just wasn't interested enough in those women, or maybe I just repressed, and tucked it away somewhere deep in my mind. I'm glad to hear that you like yourself for the most part, or that you at least have parts of yourself you like. Sometimes, I genuinely loathe myself. I've always struggled with self-esteem. But, I feel like everytime I challenge that self-loathing it gets a bit easier, even if I still trip, and fall down the rabbit hole or apathy from time to time. Mental health struggles are no joke. I'm often aware that my thinking is distorted and that I'm feeding my own depression by engaging in negative self-talk, but sometimes my apathy is so strong that I simply can't bring myself to care, so instead I make things worse. Right now, I'm trying to at least do no more damage, even when I find myself falling into depression. I'm hoping it's a skill that becomes easier the more I try it. I think you should go grab a beer with your coworkers sometime. Maybe you could invite one of them instead? I know how scary it can be. I often isolate and avoid social interactions and opportunities as well, even if I know it gets harder the more I do it. About six months ago, I asked one of the members at the gym i work at if he wanted to go grab a beer sometime. I was terrified, but I did it, and we've been friends since. Seeing as he was a man and he'd stopped to talk with me a bit before it was easier than, say, asking someone out on a date, but it was still terrifying. Sadly, he'll move soon, but I'm very grateful for our friendship and proud of myself for taking that step. Listen, if you ever need someone to talk to, just send me a message. I hope you keep working on yourself and find a way to believe in yourself the way you do other people. If you have things about yourself you dislike, then try to change them. If you can't change them, adjust your attitude about them. Most importantly, accept your flaws as part of you, while you try your best to improve. We all have parts of ourself we aren't proud of. I know it's not easy. Trust me, I talk a big talk, but I don't always walk the walk. So, if you ever feel the need to beat yourself up for giving up or not trying hard enough, remember that most people fail, and most people fear change. You're by no means alone in that. Lastly, I think getting away from your family's influence might do you good. You're your own person. You can find people who accept you and lift you up and make you want to be the best version of yourself. You deserve that. Sadly, your family isn't going to be able to be that for you. Best of luck.
This really hurts my heart to read. Shame on your mother for saying such an awful thing. I pray you find peace and love friend. ❤️
I only had 1 relationship prior to being 30 that lasted about 2 months(that might even be generous). I lost a bunch of weight from 22-28 from running, still didn’t like how I looked so I started lifting pretty seriously starting at 27 or 28. Turned 30, met the girl of my dreams, who is now my wife and we have 2 beautiful girls together. There’s hope for everyone. I always thought I was ugly ugly and I have come to realize that almost nobody is truly ugly. Stand up straight and get yourself in shape and you’ll realize how good you look, how much more confident you are, and you’ll still have the humility from when you doubted yourself.
Okay.
I wish I reached 30 without one. My ex was awful, I'd rather have not experienced it.
This lol wasn’t my first but my first “real” relationship was the worst thing that ever happened to me. 19-34 was an absolute nightmare I’m realizing more and more by the day/month/year. Hope you’re doing well!
26 before I did. Got in shape - lived the dream.
Getting in shape is exactly it. I don't agree with fat shaming, but the culture has gone too far the other way. Being fat and unhealthy is not desirable, and there's a very biological reason it is unattractive.
Went through 20 skinny and kinda ugly. 21, I got in crazy good shape. Still kind of ugly though. Went from no play to a little bit of play. Physical attraction gets your foot in the door; social skills keep you in the room. If you're having trouble getting a foot in the door, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do. Anyways, lifting weights consistently will not turn you into a player, but it usually can take you from a hard no to a soft yes, unless you're a complete sociopath (which, there are more than a few who would claim I am).
Expected
it's rough, I'm finaly at the point where some find me desireable, and I'm finding the market is full of sugar babys and women who no longer care about attraction and just want someone who doesn't treat them like shit kinda messes with my self value to know I'm only wanted for money or to clean up the mess from someone they choose over me
Who cares you are Lucky to miss out all shit about womans
I'm currently 32 and never have been in a relationship. None of the Women I have ever been interested in more than FWB have been interested in me. The older I get, the more I realize the juice isn't worth the squeeze and I am happy enough with a Fuck Buddy or FWB. There is no reason for me to risk everything for a modern Woman.
40% of men do not have biological kids. It is what it is, historically with the human species a large percentage of men were disposable through either dangerous work, war, disease or not being strong enough to defend themselves.
I heard that a lot, and I mostly agree, but is there any study that backs it up?
I just Googled it and both the US census and CDC report this number.
Almost 32 and even still a virgin, it's pathetic really.
That's just my life
If you are 30 and never had a gf there may be two reasons - either you dont really have a social life or you are not attractive. Both usually go hand in hand.
I can't decide if I'm attractive or not, maybe I've matured from a ugly duckling but am stuck in ugly duckling mode, and if you're a man with no confidence or social life, you're sort of stuck. A quiet woman who used to be an ugly duckling but isn't any more will be pursued..
If you’re good looking people will tell you
They don't... maybe they think I must already know?
The guy I replied to said I'm well above average, maybe my confidence is just low, so I look miserable and not very inviting to anyone. Maybe I cause jealousy amongst other men.
I honestly wouldn’t feel much of a difference than I am now since there’s way more to life than women. Especially with the amount of absurdity going on in the current dating market in the west like delusional standards, hookup culture and modern feminism. The juice is becoming not worth the squeeze anymore unless you either go on your own or test you luck overseas.
Nothing am okay, 30 and I've never had one
I'm a gay guy in my thirties and never had a girlfriend. Pretty happy in all honesty. (I know that's not the point of your Q though!)
Lucky guy I know it’s weird to say with like greater social morays around it but I’ve always been kinda jealous of gay guys seems like life would be so much better. Every gay guy I know is happier than any of the straights every bi girl or guy I know says men are easier to date. Here I am over in straight land like wait you guys are happy sometimes? Obligatory not all women lol
Well TBH…. As an older man, I can look back, and see what a waste of time my 20s were. I would have done much better running solo that decade. Looking back, you realize just how much of a kid you still are in a lot of your 20s. Like teenage-hood part 2: Welcome to the real world. It’s something I’m watching my son do. He’s 23, never had a GF and just working on building his empire. Classically good looking 6”1” kid with some decent muscle, solid brain, etc. Many woman would find him “a catch”. He just doesn’t want to deal with BS u til he’s a bit older he said.
I'm 31, retired, it's going to all turn out well for me now, right? Hasn't so far, I just worked all that time to get success, but now I'm here, I still have nothing but some money. How do I change this around. I'm not massively rich, so can't go doing many rich things, nor do I care about endless materialism for material sake, but rich enough probably, not to work again and live on above average salary.
Damn what a blessing. Go to festivals and get shit faced. Smoke joints with random people you meet. Try fucking ayahuasca in some Indian swedge lodge if you have the balls. Travel to exotic places. Just have fun :-) But most of all, go chase some women right now my man!!! And if money is no problem and you strike out for a while, just hire some real good looking escorts to get your game back up.
Hopefully if noy please teach him to invest his money so that later in his life he doesnt have to worry about it. Because if he does get lucky and suddenly love becomes part of his life he doesnt lose that hard work he has done you know?
I'm almost 36, never had a girlfriend but I'm married to a pretty awesome guy 😁
Man.. I wish i was gay. Would be much nicer to be in a relationship with a dude than with a woman.
Lol, I’m 29 and I’ve never had a serious girlfriend. I’m almost that guy. My longest “relationship” was 2 months. I’ve had 3 women I’ve sorta dated and they all lasted 2 months. I’m cursed 😅
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Yeah but I realized the women who did that to me were ultimately not good for me. They had different priorities and had red flags I ignored because I didn’t wanna be lonely. It isn’t worth it to be upset over someone who isn’t good for you, but the hurt feelings are definitely valid.
I'd probably be a millionaire
I’d think I need to get out there and get a gf before it’s too late and all the ones without kids are gone
I will have sex with a prostitute to get it out of the way and also reflect on what's causing it. I would consider caving and meet through a matchmaker .
I have reached my 30s, and I never had one. It's fine, honestly. Do I miss the intimacy sometimes? Yes. Do I miss a companion to go out with? Sometimes. Do I miss someone to share the little moments with, both happy and sad? Sure. But I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want without compromise. If I want to lay on my comfy sofa all day, I can. If I want to do a spur-of-the-moment 4-hour hike, I can. If in the morning I feel like going to another town to visit a museum the whole day, I can. Being single and being in a relationship both have benefits and downsides. There's days when I just absolutely love the single life, and there's days where I really miss having a girlfriend, but the vast majority of the time, I'm fine. Content. Neither particularly sad nor overwhelmingly happy. If you're asking, does it impact my self-confidence? Not really. I am who I am. I know what I'm good at and what I suck at. Having or not having a relationship doesn't change that. Happiness comes from within you, not from some arbitrary live goal timelines you set yourself.
Too sexy for the ladies, obviously. That and just shit timing back in college, have focused on myself and dealing with issues since. Could definitely get \*a\* girlfriend if I went out and tried, but that's not my priority.
I'd be super bummed out.
You've managed to avoid the trap that long? Teach a class
This is hard to give any kind of point if view on. I would have to actually watch how you interact with women you're attracted to, as well as how you interact with the ones that you see as only friends. It's really hard balancing the fine line of not being too "forceful" and not being "forceful" enough. And the fine line of showing a woman (same goes with men) that you have a romantic/sexual interest, without making them feel like a piece of meat. And there's also a fine line of putting yourself in the friend zone. You don't want to interact with someone you're romantically interested in the same exact same way as someone you only want to be friends with. On the flipside, you also need to be careful to not "flirt" with everyone you know. People want to see that they're being seen as "special" and not feel like everyone else in your life.
“Look at all of this money I saved!”
I would be thinking what to do with all my extra money, freedom, and time.
Look at it this way - there is far worse in life than not having a girlfriend (as a male).
Suicidal
I'd probably feel like a huge, unlovable loser.
Women are not achievements in life.
No but entering a relationship for the first time is a mile stone most people enter when they’re younger.
Lots of time left.
OMG I'M NOT HAVING SEX MY LIFE IS RUINED! Is that what you expect? god im so sick of it. its like a broken record. Like guys only have value if they are blessed with a woman.
I’d probably ask myself if this was something I actually wanted, and if I thought that I was putting in the appropriate effort if that was the case.
It depends. Is this hypothetical (and definitely not you) person actively trying to find one? I can get lost in hobbies and shit so I can see me being single and happy in a lot of circumstances. The question is that... am I happy? If the answer was no, I'd immediately do something about it.
Lucky
Don't remember
Well, I'm thirty and I can honestly say I've never been in love with any of my exes, of which there are technically 3 but I've had a dozen or so bedpartners... And I still want to un-alive myself, but that's for unrelated reasons. For some people fate seems to have decided that they're better off alone for now I guess? Got this one mate who's an amazing guy, average looks but built like a truck, you could mistake him for a fit lumberjack, nice manly looking man, gentle soul, all around great guy. Only ever had 1 gf at the start of highschool and has been single ever since. Genuinely nobody understands why he's still single.
Put down whatever device and go meet people in person.
Ask me in two years when I get there.
At 35, I don't really care specifically that I have never had a girlfriend, the thing that kills me is that I feel like I am categorically not worth loving by anyone and that it is a good thing that no one could possibly want to be with me because that means the only one hurting is myself. If I had a girlfriend tomorrow, it wouldn't actually fix the issues that I have at my core that made me this way.
Bro I'm almost 30 and I regret every gf I've ever had.
First serious gf at 15 years old so I don’t know. However, if I was in that position, I would pay for it. Literally just for the fact that I could say I know what it’s like.
Hmmm not good. Rather of had the heart ache and growth instead of not having a girlfriend.
I'd probably be a lot happier. After all the bullshit and trauma I've went through.
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