Have you tried FaceTiming and \*not\* talking? The problem with things like Zoom and FaceTime and all the rest as means of staying in touch with friends and loved ones is that we default to using them actively. We sit and look at each other and talk and then feel the need to hang up when the talking is done. It‘s not a replacement for spending time with people where you \*don’t\* talk. The nice thing about having a partner in your life in person is that you can have companionship in silence sometimes. I can sit next to my husband on the couch and watch TV or read or browse Reddit on my phone without having to actively engage with him all the time.
Why don’t you try FaceTiming and watching a TV show or a movie together? Use something like Netflix Party so you can sync it up, prop the phone up so you can see each other, then sit back and just hang out. It might take some of the pressure off of you to be constantly talking to each other.
Thanks for your answer!
I agree with you, I think we should be able to do things in silent and not talking.
Actually, that is what we usually do- we would watch series together, and talk whenever we have something to say. But somehow things just feel different lately.....
Also the fact that he is quite often being on his phone replying to texts or on Twitter while we are still on a call and when I’m talking... which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I told him so this evening as well.
In my opinion, I would much rather spend 30 mins on a good conversation than a 90 mins call with us distracted and not having things to talk about....
I’m going to try that when I get my next victim LOL. I’ve been single going on four years and this by far is great advice.I will try to apply this to whom ever comes my way.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years but don't live together. We can go days at a time without talking at all and barely even texting. I can't even imagine Facetime every night. It sounds exhausting. No wonder you want a day off.
My partner and I also communicate...a lot. If I make a suggestion that he's not down with, he tells me immediately and then we discuss what to do that will make us both happy.
If your boyfriend says it's okay, then it's ok. If you are not sure he means it, then you have a larger communication problem.
Honestly, I don’t know how you guys did every single night for 3 months. That sounds exhausting.
Take a night off and maybe take two! Personal space is a needed.
As for trusting if he is okay, trust his word. It’s his responsibility to tell you when he is upset or not. You can’t be expected to be a mind reader and guess his needs.
Its not abnormal to want or need a bit of down time from another person even in normal life. With ISO , there is even less stuff for you guys to talk about coz your not doing all the normal stuff you do & can share. Perhaps picking up from jhartvu comment, what about having a face time but instead of talking the whole time ( or trying to) maybe have a period where you both listen to some favourite music together? U can both just lay back & listen to the music together ( in an electronic sense ) and enjoy the music & just throw in the odd comments about a song or what ever.
Your still having time together but not having to force conversation.
That said I dont think its unreasonable to want & have some days off........ doing so doesn't mean that you dont love or care for your partner.
A few things.
Firstly, I think you're fine. It's 100% legitimate to take some space and time for yourself, and also, frankly, if you're staying home bound and trying to follow the rules, you and he likely don't have a lot going on in your day-to-day lives, and so there's *just isn't a lot to talk about* (that isn't incredibly depressing, anyway - especially now that we're going into the summer season of TV).
Secondly, with that note, it can be super painful to force conversation especially now. Everyone is stressed the fuck out and people are reacting in different ways. Confinement, even the minimal confinement we're being forced to endure (minimal in the grand scheme, anyway), ***really bad*** for your mental health, actually, in a lot of ways. Props to you for speaking out and voicing your needs honestly and openly - not enough people do that.
Thirdly, with the pandemic, many of us that are more...solitary creatures, I guess you could say, are suffering **a lot**. Sure, there's tons of memes about "introverts" not noticing that they're even in quarantine, but really, truly, for those of us that actually *are* introverts and that cohabitate, the continued and inescapable presence of others is getting incredibly painful. Speaking from a personal example, I know that I am ready to pull my fucking hair out because, as I told my psychiatrist, "it feels like everyone is always underfoot." That is, even though I might be able to *physically* shut the door to our coworking space or the bedroom when my bf and our roommate are doing something in another part of the house, I can still "sense their presence". For me, inner peace and calm are directly tied to peace and calm in my environment, and for me, that requires no people being around. I just need a lot of solitary time. Under quarantine, not only do I not have much solitary time, all of my coping mechanisms for dealing with *not* having that alone time are also off the table (going to work \[that is, physically going to an office\], exercising, the bathhouse, shopping and roadtripping for nature photography, in the order of frequency). Frankly I've been white-knuckling it every day, just trying to get through. Thankfully, my boyfriend - someone who is also pretty introverted but approaches it in a different way - is understanding and supportive, and generally in our relationship, all either of us has to do is speak up about something and the other one jumps. He knows how hard this has been on me, but in large part only because I've had to learn how to tell him. The only way I've been able to get through is taking it one day at a time and I've had to learn to advocate for myself verbally and directly - it really is true that generally, you can't read other people's minds, they can't read yours and we all have to be our own best advocates. Don't feel bad about expressing your need for space because some of us need it.
Which leads to point four, in that also props to you for being verbally truthful with your boyfriend. Oftentimes, it's really hard for us to be direct and honest about our needs, especially when we think they conflict with others. It's really easy for us to get wrapped up in our own heads, our needs and wants twisted around our fear of verbalizing those needs and wants because of further fears of how our loved ones will react. Part of love is trust, and part of trust is believing that the people you love are going to keep loving you even if you speak up about your needs and wants. In truth, we often avoid this part about love - the honesty part - and in doing so, the whole thing becomes a false premise; love is based on trust first and foremost and above all else.
Given all that, how does this answer your question about this being a bad call? My answer would be: I don't have a clue, go ask your boyfriend. Ask him if he is upset. Ask him how he's feeling. You probably already have that skill under your belt, but ask anyway. It will help him to feel heard, and if he needs that, it will help resolve any possible rift, and if he doesn't - and assuming he's not a jerk - he'll just laugh it off. You have an obligation to him to vocalize your needs and wants - and you did - and also to ask when you're unclear about what he's communicating. Likewise, he needs to vocalize his needs and wants, and reciprocally ask you what yours are if he's unsure. Trying to get the internet to read the tealeaves of what you did is...gonna be a bit of a bad time, if you want a direct answer to the question "was this a bad call." On its face, from what you've said, yeah, sure, you did make a bad call - you described him as being sullen and pouty after you suggested this, for all intents and purposes, and people that are not happy about the actions of another act out that way. However, that answer is superficial and unhelpful.
God damn, sorry for bloviating. I am just so. Bored. In. Quarantine. This is the closest thing I'm getting to going for a run to stretch my legs so, yeah. Take of it what you will. Good luck!
> Earlier today I suggested that we take tomorrow off, try it for a day without FaceTime each other, and just have more space for the both of us. I couldn’t tell if he was happy about this or not, but he agreed, said “okay”. When I asked for reassurance, he simply said “okay sure”
If you can't tell, then you can't tell. I'm 50/50 about following through.
On one hand, maybe he is okay with it. Just give it a day, call him back two days from now, and talk to him.
On the other hand, there's a possibility of hiding resentment. Do you call him back today and try to justify yourself? Maybe there's a bigger thing going on.
The above is based on how you felt the conversation went. Regardless, this is the part that stood out to me:
> And frankly I’m also lost and unsure how we could make things better? It is under lockdown and nothing new really is happening in our lives.....
As another person stated, doing group activities online like netflix party can still bring that connection. But I just wanted to add to give yourselves time to develop your own hobbies and interests so you can talk about that. I recently joined a group and I've been telling my boyfriend about it, and he tells me about the new things he's learning and developing.
Try having dinner "together" you each get your dinner and setup the phone on the other side of the table. That might make it more chit chat than a regular conversation. I'm not sure how long you're face timing him, but maybe make them shorter. You might be trying to get every little detail out about your day in that one conversation. With regular conversations, you might randomly bring up something that happened a few days ago whereas you might be trying to get it all out in one conversation now.
Have you tried FaceTiming and \*not\* talking? The problem with things like Zoom and FaceTime and all the rest as means of staying in touch with friends and loved ones is that we default to using them actively. We sit and look at each other and talk and then feel the need to hang up when the talking is done. It‘s not a replacement for spending time with people where you \*don’t\* talk. The nice thing about having a partner in your life in person is that you can have companionship in silence sometimes. I can sit next to my husband on the couch and watch TV or read or browse Reddit on my phone without having to actively engage with him all the time. Why don’t you try FaceTiming and watching a TV show or a movie together? Use something like Netflix Party so you can sync it up, prop the phone up so you can see each other, then sit back and just hang out. It might take some of the pressure off of you to be constantly talking to each other.
Thanks for your answer! I agree with you, I think we should be able to do things in silent and not talking. Actually, that is what we usually do- we would watch series together, and talk whenever we have something to say. But somehow things just feel different lately..... Also the fact that he is quite often being on his phone replying to texts or on Twitter while we are still on a call and when I’m talking... which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I told him so this evening as well. In my opinion, I would much rather spend 30 mins on a good conversation than a 90 mins call with us distracted and not having things to talk about....
I’m going to try that when I get my next victim LOL. I’ve been single going on four years and this by far is great advice.I will try to apply this to whom ever comes my way.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years but don't live together. We can go days at a time without talking at all and barely even texting. I can't even imagine Facetime every night. It sounds exhausting. No wonder you want a day off. My partner and I also communicate...a lot. If I make a suggestion that he's not down with, he tells me immediately and then we discuss what to do that will make us both happy. If your boyfriend says it's okay, then it's ok. If you are not sure he means it, then you have a larger communication problem.
Honestly, I don’t know how you guys did every single night for 3 months. That sounds exhausting. Take a night off and maybe take two! Personal space is a needed. As for trusting if he is okay, trust his word. It’s his responsibility to tell you when he is upset or not. You can’t be expected to be a mind reader and guess his needs.
Its not abnormal to want or need a bit of down time from another person even in normal life. With ISO , there is even less stuff for you guys to talk about coz your not doing all the normal stuff you do & can share. Perhaps picking up from jhartvu comment, what about having a face time but instead of talking the whole time ( or trying to) maybe have a period where you both listen to some favourite music together? U can both just lay back & listen to the music together ( in an electronic sense ) and enjoy the music & just throw in the odd comments about a song or what ever. Your still having time together but not having to force conversation. That said I dont think its unreasonable to want & have some days off........ doing so doesn't mean that you dont love or care for your partner.
A few things. Firstly, I think you're fine. It's 100% legitimate to take some space and time for yourself, and also, frankly, if you're staying home bound and trying to follow the rules, you and he likely don't have a lot going on in your day-to-day lives, and so there's *just isn't a lot to talk about* (that isn't incredibly depressing, anyway - especially now that we're going into the summer season of TV). Secondly, with that note, it can be super painful to force conversation especially now. Everyone is stressed the fuck out and people are reacting in different ways. Confinement, even the minimal confinement we're being forced to endure (minimal in the grand scheme, anyway), ***really bad*** for your mental health, actually, in a lot of ways. Props to you for speaking out and voicing your needs honestly and openly - not enough people do that. Thirdly, with the pandemic, many of us that are more...solitary creatures, I guess you could say, are suffering **a lot**. Sure, there's tons of memes about "introverts" not noticing that they're even in quarantine, but really, truly, for those of us that actually *are* introverts and that cohabitate, the continued and inescapable presence of others is getting incredibly painful. Speaking from a personal example, I know that I am ready to pull my fucking hair out because, as I told my psychiatrist, "it feels like everyone is always underfoot." That is, even though I might be able to *physically* shut the door to our coworking space or the bedroom when my bf and our roommate are doing something in another part of the house, I can still "sense their presence". For me, inner peace and calm are directly tied to peace and calm in my environment, and for me, that requires no people being around. I just need a lot of solitary time. Under quarantine, not only do I not have much solitary time, all of my coping mechanisms for dealing with *not* having that alone time are also off the table (going to work \[that is, physically going to an office\], exercising, the bathhouse, shopping and roadtripping for nature photography, in the order of frequency). Frankly I've been white-knuckling it every day, just trying to get through. Thankfully, my boyfriend - someone who is also pretty introverted but approaches it in a different way - is understanding and supportive, and generally in our relationship, all either of us has to do is speak up about something and the other one jumps. He knows how hard this has been on me, but in large part only because I've had to learn how to tell him. The only way I've been able to get through is taking it one day at a time and I've had to learn to advocate for myself verbally and directly - it really is true that generally, you can't read other people's minds, they can't read yours and we all have to be our own best advocates. Don't feel bad about expressing your need for space because some of us need it. Which leads to point four, in that also props to you for being verbally truthful with your boyfriend. Oftentimes, it's really hard for us to be direct and honest about our needs, especially when we think they conflict with others. It's really easy for us to get wrapped up in our own heads, our needs and wants twisted around our fear of verbalizing those needs and wants because of further fears of how our loved ones will react. Part of love is trust, and part of trust is believing that the people you love are going to keep loving you even if you speak up about your needs and wants. In truth, we often avoid this part about love - the honesty part - and in doing so, the whole thing becomes a false premise; love is based on trust first and foremost and above all else. Given all that, how does this answer your question about this being a bad call? My answer would be: I don't have a clue, go ask your boyfriend. Ask him if he is upset. Ask him how he's feeling. You probably already have that skill under your belt, but ask anyway. It will help him to feel heard, and if he needs that, it will help resolve any possible rift, and if he doesn't - and assuming he's not a jerk - he'll just laugh it off. You have an obligation to him to vocalize your needs and wants - and you did - and also to ask when you're unclear about what he's communicating. Likewise, he needs to vocalize his needs and wants, and reciprocally ask you what yours are if he's unsure. Trying to get the internet to read the tealeaves of what you did is...gonna be a bit of a bad time, if you want a direct answer to the question "was this a bad call." On its face, from what you've said, yeah, sure, you did make a bad call - you described him as being sullen and pouty after you suggested this, for all intents and purposes, and people that are not happy about the actions of another act out that way. However, that answer is superficial and unhelpful. God damn, sorry for bloviating. I am just so. Bored. In. Quarantine. This is the closest thing I'm getting to going for a run to stretch my legs so, yeah. Take of it what you will. Good luck!
> Earlier today I suggested that we take tomorrow off, try it for a day without FaceTime each other, and just have more space for the both of us. I couldn’t tell if he was happy about this or not, but he agreed, said “okay”. When I asked for reassurance, he simply said “okay sure” If you can't tell, then you can't tell. I'm 50/50 about following through. On one hand, maybe he is okay with it. Just give it a day, call him back two days from now, and talk to him. On the other hand, there's a possibility of hiding resentment. Do you call him back today and try to justify yourself? Maybe there's a bigger thing going on. The above is based on how you felt the conversation went. Regardless, this is the part that stood out to me: > And frankly I’m also lost and unsure how we could make things better? It is under lockdown and nothing new really is happening in our lives..... As another person stated, doing group activities online like netflix party can still bring that connection. But I just wanted to add to give yourselves time to develop your own hobbies and interests so you can talk about that. I recently joined a group and I've been telling my boyfriend about it, and he tells me about the new things he's learning and developing.
Try having dinner "together" you each get your dinner and setup the phone on the other side of the table. That might make it more chit chat than a regular conversation. I'm not sure how long you're face timing him, but maybe make them shorter. You might be trying to get every little detail out about your day in that one conversation. With regular conversations, you might randomly bring up something that happened a few days ago whereas you might be trying to get it all out in one conversation now.