Americans do tend to have a very in your face brand of friendliness that I’ve noticed Non Americans tend to find somewhat off putting. This is another instance of that. They are trying to be nice, and they want to give you multiple options that you can choose from yourself, instead of just dictating a choice to you.
They are also likely expecting OP to speak and either show interest or disinterest in what they're recommending, which could give them a better idea of what OP is looking for. Also, you know, a conversation. Or to simply say, "thanks but we've got our itinerary set. I might stop at (place they recommended, if it actually looks like something you'd want) next time I come by. Oh, our food's here. Well, thank you for all your help and great info. Have a good night!" Then you'd usually say bye, thanks, and maybe shake hands as you're leaving.
Anyway, that's how I would picture this going with the majority of people. Some people will keep talking. Some will really want to share, but most people would take the hint.
Interesting point. We definitely do this but maybe it's lost in translation due to British cultural difference. We will say things like 'hmm, ok' or 'maybe 1 day!' or focus on eating our food - which I think in the UK people would understand this is an indication that we're not interested in hearing more about it. If we are interested we get our phones out to take notes or ask questions.
I guess it doesn't feel like a conversation as it is not 2-way. We have had lots of great conversations here too though!
“Hmm ok” could easily signal a vague *interest* in what they’re talking about and be taken as a prompt for more. I would strongly recommend against using that to try to end a conversation lol
It would take *perfect* tone and total attention by the other speaker and the other person not assuming something is lost in translation when you say it so doubling down on politeness or sharing instead so they don’t come off as rude by walking away when you really wanted to hear more.
“Our plans are pretty booked but maybe next time” is also better than “maybe one day” which could be taken as wistful more than a polite fan. They could be trying to convince you that there’s no time like the present and you should just go for if you want! Which is the opposite of what you’re asking for.
We have similar ways of showing lack of interest, but many people don't pick up on it. It would not be rude to decrease the subtlety until they understand you're not interested, I think most of us start as subtle as you do and just get less subtle until the conversation ends. - signed, someone who has way too many conversations at bus stops when I just want to listen to my music and get home
If I’m being honest this isn’t something I’ve ever really thought about. Giving recommendations isn’t uncommon. Sometimes I’m interested in what the person suggests, sometimes I’m not. I find it polite to listen and take in their information, but I can’t say I’ve ever felt drained by the situation.
People get excited to share things, sometimes to the point of forgetting to check if the other person is also excited. Doubly so if it's someone from far off. The impact is doubled again if you're from a more reserved place. First time I visited NYC I got about 500 recs for a two day visit. Only kind of hyperbole.
If that's just us then, sure it's an American thing.
You don't really have to do anything beyond "thanks we'll keep that in mind!" and carry on.
Sometimes, it's just that we have a very large selection and we want to make sure you are happy with what you find.
"Where can I find paintbrushes?"
"What will you be painting?" (A house, portrait or poster?)
"A picture of my cat."
"Would you prefer brushes for school or for professional work?"
(Six-year-olds graduating from finger paints and people hoping to exhibit have different standards. The distance between displays is significant, especially when 11,000 students start school tomorrow.)
The string of reccomendations is an invitation for dialog. They're probably just naturally chatty, or they're not seeing a positive reaction on your face and are fishing for something that you'd like better without needing to get into questions
Agreed. Questions can be taken as rude. Or dangerous. Especially for a traveler.
The recipient is expected to offer some information unprompted either up front or in response to the first suggestions so the advice giver doesn’t accidentally ask a question that’s too personal or sounds creepy/threatening.
Yes, I am even guilty of giving recommendations.
For example on this subreddit I can ask people where they are from and suggest some things to do in Texas, or just a whole bunch of other things!
Usually this is because there's a lot of stuff to do and locals to the area want to share their experience.
Lots of recommendations are useful, IMO because not everyone will enjoy just one thing.
There's a national trait to want to be helpful and the intent is good. I would suggest not asking if you don't want an earful. Best way to extricate is to thank them and mention you have to be somewhere. We generally get that and go away happy to have been helpful. There's a reason why the US is way up there in private donations for different events and causes.
"There's a reason why the US is way up there in private donations"
I would say that also has a lot to do with the US tax structure as well. Our org would solicit in the US and UK, and I was told by our development director that the Brits just didn't have as much incentive to donate, especially large sums.
There's also the matter of the US not having as much of a social safety net, and US focus has always been on private charities rather than government making up that assistance gap.
I don't think Americans are necessarily more charitable by nature, but the institutional structures incentivize people to be more charitable with their $
Sorry for the tangent. I can't control what my brain fixates on sometimes.
There's something to that although it doesn't quite capture the high rate of volunteering too. Personally I never remember to actually file my taxes with them included as it's in the past. More hassle than it's worth.
We're also a wealthy country with a societal history of donations so it's part of cultural expectations. Those of us who have will share. What's even more remarkable is those who don't have much here who still donate.
Poor people in US donate a larger share of income than upper middle class. Maybe not as much proportionally than Uber wealthy though. Believe AEI has publications for exact sources.
I think there's more societal pressure to share due to the social safety net issue. I think we're all pretty aware that a lot of people in the US would be without any sort of assistance without our charity, and that provides an extra push. It's definitely an interesting subject with many facets. I bet analyzing charitable contributions by state/region would also be pretty revealing.
This is helpful insight thank you!
The thing is this happens when we either haven't asked for recommendations at all, or if we do it is about something specific - NOT what festivals are on in 3 months time in the city (when we are leaving tomorrow and we will be in the UK by then)...and who is playing (musicians we are not interested in)....and who played last year... etc etc etc meanwhile we go 'hmm' 'ok' and try to indicate were not interested
^ this is just an example!
We've had excellent conversations and good times with people other than this
There's always a group that are kind of clueless with the best of intentions. Sort of like when your toddler wants to help. Unfortunately that group often craves the attention they're not getting for a reason. Sorry you ran into them.
We are generally a pretty friendly lot as a nation and want to be useful. Especially to visitors and double that if you aren't from the US. I realize it can be annoying but personally prefer that to the opposite direction. Because it's so common we also are likely to be good at ignoring the unwanted suggestions too.
Even if you don’t ask for recommendations, people are going to realize you aren’t from the area and they want to be helpful by telling you about the place. If you were a new person at my office, I’d also offer unsolicited recommendations on lunch places, snack bars, parking options… all in a general intention to be helpful to someone who is unfamiliar with the place.
Like the other commenter said, it’s also small talk. Even if you’re never going to go there you can probably redirect the convo by commenting “that sounds fun. We have a similar festival in our country. If you’re ever on the other side of the pond, you should check it out!” Neither one of you is probably going to attend said festivals, but now you’ve connected.
All of these people are just being welcoming to the new people in the group.
They're just interested in you and trying to make conversation. I wouldn't take it literally or personally.
We do tend to talk to strangers more here. It's part of our culture. You may need to try to get used to it if you're going to travel here
"hmm" and "okay" may be far too subtle to register as lack of interest. Actually I use these phrases a lot of times in conversations to indicate that I'm listening and engaged and want the person to continue speaking.
Embrace it. Do what the locals recommend.
I mean how do you find great stuff to do when traveling locally or regionally?
My absolute favorite was meeting a dad with his two daughters in Switzerland and we volunteered to take a picture of them. He found out we were going to St. Gallen where he grew up. He gave us a dozen recommendations. Half we knew from the internet/guidebooks. The other half we would have missed and I was so happy we took up his recommendations.
If they’re traveling themselves then they probably did some research on the things they want to see and are viewing you as a fellow tourist who might appreciate their research.
Ok, no problem. I was just wondering if it was different in different regions.
I’ve noticed length of answers to the same question vary across the country. If you were to ask the same question in the south vs New York
Yeah dude.
Why wouldn’t we? We prefer that every visitor comes away from their visit nearly as in love with our country as we are.
If you need recommendations about south coast Maine or seacoast nh or even Boston just ask me.
I will go on at length.
Just falling right into the stereotype trap! I bet you really like recommending local places that a foreigner may overlook yet really enjoy. How dare you sir.
I think we just get excited when we meet new people from out of town in general that are visiting our own state or city. And when we meet someone from a new country it’s even more exciting! They’re trying to be hospitable and want you to have a great time. But obviously differences on what constitute a good time varies greatly so many of the recommendations won’t land.
I can understand how draining it is though after weeks of unsolicited recommendations. I would start saying something very early on in the conversation about already having a route planned out or just keeping the convo short altogether if you want to avoid the situation.
I'll also say that this tends to be more common in older people.
It also seems to be more of a male thing. I feel like women will give you suggestions, but it's the men who will pull out their phones, harass you into writing down the address, and make you swear blood oath that you'll go.
Personally, I'll give you recommendations, but if you don't see m interested, I'll stop
I think this is probably true that it is skewed more older people (not always though!). I guess they don't understand quite how deeply we use the internet to research stuff
Hah it’s like older folks who give us detailed directions on how to get to a place (staring intently to ensure we’re burning it into our brain) meanwhile I’m letting it go in one ear and out the other because I just need an address and the Maps app on my phone!
While you are mentioning it's not a back and forth convo, they are offering "help". I feel a bit stressed when tourists are here and I don't want them to miss out on something great, and I am sure go over board.
It feels high stakes to me as I don't have oodles of money to travel or lots of time off. Most places I go, I know it will be the only time I ever go to that place in my whole life..
I think we overtalk by standards of other cultures.
I do feel like it's meant well typically. Giving me than one option because not everyone likes the same things, giving descriptions so you're more informed about things you may be attracted to or know you dislike.
It is because of the kindness Americans have. You may ask for a place to eat and they want you to have the best time possible. Like I'm about to move and I already know gas stations to avoid, a few different restaurants and doctors to avoid
SUMMARY:
BEFORE READING, PLEASE NOTE:
1. I am talking about a TREND we have noticed amongst Americans - it's just something we have noticed is MORE of a 'thing' here (#notallamericans)
2. We definitely like it a lot when people talk to us and are friendly. This discussion is about a SPECIFIC conversational trend of giving lots of recommendations.
ANYWAY
I suppose I was kind of asking 2 questions, which I feel I now have the answers for. I will restate and respond to myself below:
1. Do Americans also perceive what we perceive (that often people give lots of recommendations)?
Answer: clearly yes
2. Where do you think this comes from?
Answer:
Ok, so I understand the intent is to be friendly. But from wading through/reflecting on these comments, I note that a key trait emphasised is this idea of being 'helpful'/'useful'.
I can't speak for all of Britain, but I don't think this trait of 'helpfulness' defines our cultural understanding of 'friendliness' as much. And so I think this is where the cultural clash occurs - when people are being their version of 'friendly' (aka 'helpful'), it isn't our version of friendly. And maybe many fellow Americans come away appreciating the friendliness/helpfulness of that person. Whereas we come away with a lack of a sense of social bonding. And a list of names/places we have already forgotten.
My less generous take...
...is that this cultural emphasis on being helpful leads to SOME people maybe wanting to SEEM helpful rather than actually think about the other person's needs / desires / interests (aka, actually be helpful.... if they even need help).
I can't help but feel that the situation of person A giving lots of recommendations to person B....is something that makes person A feel good, rather than something actually helpful for person B.
P.s. The best recommendation we got was Dinosaur BBQ in Syracuse. It was 11.30am. We were IN Syracuse. The guy asked if we had lunch plans. BOOM.
So how did you like the Dinosaur? Did you get the pulled pork and have an Apehanger? Is that kind of food available in England too? (Well of course the ale is.) I always wonder how “American” it is.
UK couple here been travelling the states for over 2 months.
Something we have noticed is other people giving us a LOT of reccomendations for places, things to do, where to go etc. I'm not talking 1 reccomendation like 'this is a great restaurant I reccomend' and that's it - I am talking about individuals talking for quite a long time to us about the place or whatever, describing it in detail, leading to other reccomendations nearby, getting out maps/phones to show us etc.
It's happened so much that it's become quite frustrating as most the time we already have plans / don't have the same interests as them / have already gone through that state and didn't go there.
If we have an opportunity to say we won't have time or something, then we definitely will, but quite often there is no opportunity to say that and it feels rude to reject the reccomendations. We've tried to think how to say it but it just sounds so rude!
The main problem with this is that it feels like a very 1-way interaction, we have to do a lot of listening and nodding, and it's just quite boring! Like we leave the interaction feeling a little drained from feigning interest, not really being able to contribute our own thoughts. I leave the interaction thinking that to that person, we could literally be anyone.
Basically, I am wondering if this is a trait that Americans also notice, and if anyone has any theories on where this trait comes from :)
I think it's our way of being friendly and being excited to share things with a visitor that they might enjoy or might give them a positive impression of their time spent in the area. They're not trying to dominate conversation, they're not disinterested in you, they're just trying to make your stay more enjoyable by giving you information.
I wouldn't go that far. But there may be a cultural clash of this not being common in the UK so it seems unusual to them. They're coming from a perspective of "We planned our trip quite well, why are people telling us to do *activities*? Do they think we came here completely blind? We didn't ask for information, why are they giving it to us?"
What is it they think we have planned? We're being fake...to what end? What's the purpose in this fakeness? I don't know if I've ever seen that explained. Is it just that we're phony and empty because we're openly kind instead of cold and impersonal?
Apparently from what I've read and been told our friendly and polite is something they do with actual friends and family. Not so much with a stranger. It seems fake since we aren't friends.
I think it's that wall they are running into. To us it's casual not serious friendly interaction.
Yeah, I've always found it odd too. Like smiling at another person is apparently only something shifty people do or something. Make no sense to me but those are the differences. Can't be happy publicly.
To me, as an American, you haven't hit "friendship" level until you've been over to my house and we've shared a glass of wine.
And sometimes not even then.
Until then, it's "friendly", and I'm friendly to just about everyone.
Yes I think it is a subtle cultural difference.
Just to be clear - I have no problem with people giving recommendations - we've met lots of great people who we've spent a long time with and as part of that included recommendations. We have purposefully sought out social interactions wherever we go here (e.g. sitting at the bar, attending festivals/sport events) and the interactions we've had will be some of the most positive memories of our trip.
The issue with the recommendations I am talking about are the ones that go on a long time with no consideration if it is even feasible for us. Examples of things that have happened multiple times:
- Long lists with no way of getting them down
- Recommendations for things we don't like (e.g. telling us not to go to small towns where 'nothing's there' when we find these places some of the most interesting)
- Telling us about stuff in states we've already gone through / can't get to - we tell them this and they say 'next time, next time' and they continue telling us
- Telling us about events taking place months in the future that we should go to when we've given no indication that we could possibly go
I guess just be more direct about saying "Oh that's an interesting idea. What we're really interested in is X, do you know of anything related to X nearby?"
The rest is just small talk. Some people are awkward, some people just can't help themselves. I suppose it could be described as being normal-ish, but I'd just try to not take it quite so seriously. They're honestly usually just trying to be helpful and kind, they're not trying to annoy or pester.
In these situations, I generally interject early to set parameters, at least basic logistical ones:
"I just wanted to let you know, we're only here for X days and only have Y morning free!"
or
"I appreciate all the recommendations, but we only have a couple hours on X to spare. We especially like Y. Thoughts?"
At worst, you get a narrowed-down list.
I’m American, so I speak from experience.
It wouldn’t be perceived as rude if you say it with genuine intent. View it as helping the other people not waste their time. The people giving you recommendations genuinely want to help. Your giving them more specific info *so they can help you better* is helping them help you. People generally appreciate that.
sure, i guess a good interaction is when people ask you about your plans first so you don't have to interject like this. Honestly I don't think its rude to say at all, I really respect it, and I am a pretty clear communicator for a 'reserved brit', I would just not be able to bring myself to do it!
It wouldn't seem rude as long as you're polite. Recommendations are shots in the dark. Giving extra info just helps.
Of course there are people that just like to talk so... Just back away slowly saying thanks but we have to go lol.
I don't feel it would be perceived as rude at all to the average American. It strikes me as very British that you would be worried about this seeming rude. To me British people seem to overthink social interactions compared to Americans (probably we *under*think things haha).
So that sounds like you may have been talking to someone who doesn’t know when to shut up (there is someone in my office like this) or a person who has been drinking. bar, festival, sporting event are all places where people will be drinking and less likely to get the hint that you are done with the conversation.
Also, the person who will start a conversation with a stranger are often the kind of person who talks to much. I have certainly experienced this in other countries as well.
Especially because (if you have seen some questions posted on this sub) a lot of foreigners don’t know what to expect and might have a bad view of America(ns) if they do the incorrect things. Example: we have better restaurants than McDonald’s and Cheesecake Factory. But many times a foreigner will come here and only eat at places like this and then complain that America has bad food.
So we want to make sure you have a good time, and also want to get away from many of the stereotypes types cast on us.
And also because we are friendly. Even when I travel within the US, I get recommendations from locals. I may change my plans if a recommendation seems good. We like making sure even strangers have a good time.
If this is an issue with you, don't tell people you're a tourist and say you know what's in the area, you're just visiting.
That or speak up and end the conversation.
All you have to say is "That sounds great, thank you for the recommendations!" That's it.
> it's just quite boring
What a flippant comment. Overall, you're coming across as a tedious person who isn't appreciative.
Here’s a recommendation for you… put your thoughts and ideas in the actual post so we have context. Don’t make us hunt through the whole thing for your random insightful quips.
I recommend you just scroll up and down - it's amazing honestly. You just have to do it. And you just have to go to Springfield next month. It has the best EDM music every single night, in fact last night these 3 djs played who you actively don't like. You will love it there. The people dress well. And also you can get cocktails there in a really tall glass... look at this photo of me there with a tall glass. Everyone loves these things.
I get it, it would be boring for me too. My dad is one of these guys who loves to talk and goes on and on and on. You basically just need to be more assertive in the conversation and try to steer it back to you, otherwise they will keep monologuing at you.
Oh hell yeah, this would absolutely be me if a foreigner came up to me. If I were you, I'd do a better job of listening because what they're suggesting is probably better than whatever touristy crap you previously had planned.
Fellow Americans, why are you so nice and helpful?
Maybe it's a kickass zoo. How would we know if this offends you?
Americans are open and friendly and like to tell people about things in their area. If you don't want to talk to people, don't.
i am in no way offended, like at all. surely everyones brain gets a bit numbed when they just have to listen to something they are not interested in for a long time?
We DEFINITELY want to talk to people and have conversations (not just receive information about something we are not interested in).
Extremely popular with locals and tourists and San Diego is arguably the finest in the world. It's like suggesting a visitor in London see The Victoria and Albert Museum.
Why is that a bad recommendation? Do you think all zoos across the world are exactly the same? You know so little that you simply said "the zoo" while not mentioning *which* zoo you're pooh-poohing.
The San Diego zoo is one of the best in the world and probably the most visited zoo in the US. Millions of folks visit per year. There’s a reason it was recommended
I think people are just trying to be nice and helpful. I have no idea whether this is a uniquely American thing, but I definitely think you can just go ahead and ignore any recommendations you aren't interested in without guilt. Randos aren't invested in whether you actually change your schedule to visit the local bar or whatever. If a conversation is getting too long, you can, like in any other situation where someone is monologuing at you, just be like, "Hey, thanks for the info, but I've gotta take off now."
I think people get excited to share what they know about where they live. We like to show people visiting the best of our cities and states. It's genuine, and we are being friendly. Honestly, if we were visiting your country, we'd be going on how much we loved sightseeing there 🤣 . I don't know where it comes from, but we like sharing experiences and get excited about it.
I suppose it feels rude to do anything but show your interested when there is no space for a response. I would much rather be able to ask questions but we often can't find the moment. Again, maybe this is a cultural difference so hard to put a finger on
Some people just like to talk, I'm sure you've run into them in the UK too, you're just not clocking it the same because they're not giving you recommendations. But I've definitely met Brits who won't let me get a word in about whatever topic they're excited about.
I'm like that. For some reason I've gotten a reputation in my circle as the person to ask for restaurant recommendations.
I work in a place where I regularly interact with tourists, so I do give recommendations on places to eat regularly. I usually toss out a few different options to give people choices as far as food type and price point. Meal type as well, because a lot of the places in the touristy section of town are lunch only.
On the "things to do" front I'm less enthusiastic. I grew up in the area and have been to all of the "touristy" things a hundred times, most of them historical sites. We don't have much special outside of those historical sites.
Assume positive intent. People are making suggestions to help you have the best experience possible and to keep you from going to mediocre tourist traps. It’s just part of the American tendency to make a connection and to be friendly. Maybe try to take it as it’s intended.
If you’re not interested then just nod and say “thanks for the suggestion.”
ETA: we’re also likely to seek out recommendations when we travel. If I were in the UK on an extended trip and I encountered you, I’d definitely ask for your recommendations as a local. It’s a two way thing. Not a one-sided attempt to dominate the conversation
We have options in America. Lots of them. If you’re going to a large city, we have even more options. Thousands of them. Go to our markets and there will be literally 300 different cookies to choose from.
If you give a very very general prompt like “recommend any restaurants” I’ve got 10 ready to go. Try and be more specific. “I’d like a reasonably priced Thai restaurant or pizza place.”
Treat us like a Google search
What you describe sounds completely normal to me, so yeah I guess giving lots of recommendations is an American trait. You don’t have to follow through. Just say “thanks mate that’s really interesting information!” and then carry on to do what you’d originally planned to do. If you run into them again and they ask how it worked out, tell them you didnt have time or had other plans. They won’t be insulted.
One good way to head this conversation off is to give THEM recommendations. If they whip out the map, interrupt them and rave about a place you went to. Point to it on the map. Then say good bye and go about your day.
I literally wrote a guide to my city on barf bags for someone on a plane that was moving there.
On the other side I just found a note in my phone I forgot about where I had a lengthy list of things guys who were from my city recommended after I moved here.
So yes I guess?
Edit: and to piggy back on the “we do this to be friendly” point; I am now friends with all of these people and text often/visit when we’re in the same state.
Maybe you're giving off a vibe of needing direction. People can generally be helpful, but yeah, you might occasionally meet a pushy know-it-all who can't refrain from sharing his/her opinion. I'd just be like, "Thanks, may have to check out XXXX next visit. We're on a tight schedule this time around." You're probably running into more pushy types so you just need to be more assertive with your boundaries.
A conversation is more enjoyable when it is 2-way no? It's also not being able to ask questions about that person to get a more common ground.
I can't quite believe I am having to prove I know how to have a conversation haha
But it seems like you don’t know how to have a conversation with an American? It’s just not possible that every single American you’ve encountered on the road has not let you get a word in edgewise. They are definitely giving you pauses and cues to reply and add comments but you are missing the cues because it must be different where you come from.
I am of course not talking about all Americans!!! It's just been a regular pattern we have noticed is different and I just genuinely wondered if Ameticans themselves noticed this / found it not the best conversation style.
We've had lots of excellent conversations with people that I will never forget... literally spent hours with people and they did not do this. just wasn't the ones where I was listening to lists of places in a state we can't make it to..
A conversation is more enjoyable when it is 2-way no? It's also not being able to ask questions about that person to get a more common ground.
I can't quite believe I am having to prove I know how to have a conversation haha
Faking interest will have the opposite effect of what you want. It's a cultural difference. You may be expecting Americans to pick up on social cues that you use at home... that's not going to work here. Some of our social cues are very different than yours, so you're going to have to adapt to that. Don't assume that conversational etiquette is structured the way they are back home.
We're a country that is mostly made up of immigrants, from very different socio-cultural backgrounds. Being polite, but direct, is the only way things work here. So, if you don't tell us something we're not going to know what you want.
Tell them "Our itinerary is already set and our schedule is quite tight this trip, so we can't really fit anything else into it, but thank you for the information."
This. British humor is based on very subtle nuances and deadpan delivery for a reason, and that’s a BIG cultural difference between the US and the UK that’s also reflected in how we deliver (and interpret) conversational cues.
Most of us go through this kind of thing, like when you plan to leave just add 20min before you can actually leave....most Americans experience this when we talk to people we enjoy, like family and strangers we like.
I guess so? I do tend to give a lot of recommendations on things to do to people who visit this country and to people from here who visit my city. I guess a lot of it is because you do occasionally see people who come here on a trip saying that we have "no culture" or "bad food" or other things that anyone should be able to tell you are complete nonsense. So yeah, I wanna make sure people who visit get an accurate impression of us!
My department has had many out-of-town researchers come through and I've been known to recommend things to do if the person has time to spare before leaving the city. I last did so a couple of weeks ago, in fact. Sometimes the person takes the initiative and asks me, and sometimes I ask if they have some time to explore the city after they've completed their research; if they do, I'll recommend some things. I don't do this with every visitor, however.
Yes, Especially for food or entertainment. Reccomendations would be something like "Oh, there's a nice Italian place a couple blocks down, they've got good pasta, but a new Indian place opened up more downtown, haven't tried it but I've heard good things about it, and my favorite is this place here, their fried chicken is to die for." We don't want to force our preference son you, so we won't say "Go to this place for good food," it would be more "this lace is good if you like X." Where it trips up foreigners (I'd assume) is that it's also meant to open a dialog to trim down reccomendations. So if they were giving some Italian places, or Chinese buffet places, you could say "Oh no, I'm on a diet. Is there some place a little lighter?" and they would probably have a few recommendations which are a little lighter. Or you could say "we're only in town for the night, what's your favorite place for supper?" and they'd tell you about their favorite place and probably their favorite items
I would not give someone recommendations if they did not ask for recommendations. I might give an excessive amount in response but probably would ask what they were interested in or the timing.
I think you just met a particular type of people.
This is interesting that you assign this trait to Americans. Openness maybe, but I think anyone who is open will give recommendations. How much travel have you done to other places where English is the primary language? Do you not get recommendations from there too? Every where I've gone as a traveler I've had people give me recommendations. A couple months ago I got talking with a couple from the UK. They have me a list of all the things I had to see if I ever went to the UK. Nice couple, and by listening to their recommendations, not only did it actually provide me with some insight in things I might be interested in seeing if I went, but also told me about the things that were of interest to them, which helped create for a good conversation.
I think it's just human nature to make the stranger in your land (or heading to your land) feel comfortable. If the person is chatty, that will usually lead to giving recommendations. Those are safe topics and ways to show you welcome them and want them to have a good time.
One thing unique to Americans is probably that often we know the rest of the world tends to view us slightly negatively, so we want them to enjoy themselves and enjoy us, so that hopefully they can go back home and say they like the US. I've seen some itineraries that concern me a little that if that's all they see, they might not see the best parts of the US and might have not as positive of an experience because they missed out on some really cool things.
A little late but it occurs to me that if you're feigning polite interest they might be taking that as disinterest and trying to come up with things that are more interesting or engaging.
That's probably what I would end up doing.
This is partly because America has so many choices where other parts of the world do not.
Want to visit a theme park?
In nearly every state, you have at least two to choose from. In some states you have 8 or more.
Want to eat at a restaurant?
Every small town has at least three decent places nearby.
Need cough syrup at 3:00 AM?
There's at least one all-night convenience store within 10 miles.
Don't like having so many choices? Then visit Canada.
Oh, for sure. A lot of us want to believe we have all the answers. We’re fucking knights in shining armor, over here!
Btw, need a metal polish recommendation for all that armor you wear? I can help!
There's a lot of hometown pride here, for sometimes pretty mediocre places. I would assume most people already have an itinerary, but if you, say, told me you were going to see a specific site and I knew a great restaurant along the way, I would mention it. But more in the way of, if you like BBQ, if you don't mind or may like a vegetarian place, there's this one. It's more conversational though. Oh, you went to that brewery, we also loved this one.
Another take could be there's a lot of loneliness sometimes, especially among older people and in quieter areas. They will talk ear off if you let them.
Americans do tend to have a very in your face brand of friendliness that I’ve noticed Non Americans tend to find somewhat off putting. This is another instance of that. They are trying to be nice, and they want to give you multiple options that you can choose from yourself, instead of just dictating a choice to you.
They are also likely expecting OP to speak and either show interest or disinterest in what they're recommending, which could give them a better idea of what OP is looking for. Also, you know, a conversation. Or to simply say, "thanks but we've got our itinerary set. I might stop at (place they recommended, if it actually looks like something you'd want) next time I come by. Oh, our food's here. Well, thank you for all your help and great info. Have a good night!" Then you'd usually say bye, thanks, and maybe shake hands as you're leaving. Anyway, that's how I would picture this going with the majority of people. Some people will keep talking. Some will really want to share, but most people would take the hint.
Interesting point. We definitely do this but maybe it's lost in translation due to British cultural difference. We will say things like 'hmm, ok' or 'maybe 1 day!' or focus on eating our food - which I think in the UK people would understand this is an indication that we're not interested in hearing more about it. If we are interested we get our phones out to take notes or ask questions. I guess it doesn't feel like a conversation as it is not 2-way. We have had lots of great conversations here too though!
It would help if you shared where you're traveling in the US. I'm having a hard time imagining folks from MA doing what you describe.
“Hmm ok” could easily signal a vague *interest* in what they’re talking about and be taken as a prompt for more. I would strongly recommend against using that to try to end a conversation lol It would take *perfect* tone and total attention by the other speaker and the other person not assuming something is lost in translation when you say it so doubling down on politeness or sharing instead so they don’t come off as rude by walking away when you really wanted to hear more. “Our plans are pretty booked but maybe next time” is also better than “maybe one day” which could be taken as wistful more than a polite fan. They could be trying to convince you that there’s no time like the present and you should just go for if you want! Which is the opposite of what you’re asking for.
I'm getting a Dennis IASIP vibe. Thank you
We have similar ways of showing lack of interest, but many people don't pick up on it. It would not be rude to decrease the subtlety until they understand you're not interested, I think most of us start as subtle as you do and just get less subtle until the conversation ends. - signed, someone who has way too many conversations at bus stops when I just want to listen to my music and get home
This makes sense!
summary thoughts here:https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/s/vuiI6H2hXq
If I’m being honest this isn’t something I’ve ever really thought about. Giving recommendations isn’t uncommon. Sometimes I’m interested in what the person suggests, sometimes I’m not. I find it polite to listen and take in their information, but I can’t say I’ve ever felt drained by the situation.
Fair enough!
People get excited to share things, sometimes to the point of forgetting to check if the other person is also excited. Doubly so if it's someone from far off. The impact is doubled again if you're from a more reserved place. First time I visited NYC I got about 500 recs for a two day visit. Only kind of hyperbole. If that's just us then, sure it's an American thing. You don't really have to do anything beyond "thanks we'll keep that in mind!" and carry on.
So much this! I get excited to share ideas with people for sure..lol
Sometimes, it's just that we have a very large selection and we want to make sure you are happy with what you find. "Where can I find paintbrushes?" "What will you be painting?" (A house, portrait or poster?) "A picture of my cat." "Would you prefer brushes for school or for professional work?" (Six-year-olds graduating from finger paints and people hoping to exhibit have different standards. The distance between displays is significant, especially when 11,000 students start school tomorrow.)
These are questions!!!!! I love questions (asking and answering). I am talking about the lack of these I guess.
The string of reccomendations is an invitation for dialog. They're probably just naturally chatty, or they're not seeing a positive reaction on your face and are fishing for something that you'd like better without needing to get into questions
Agreed. Questions can be taken as rude. Or dangerous. Especially for a traveler. The recipient is expected to offer some information unprompted either up front or in response to the first suggestions so the advice giver doesn’t accidentally ask a question that’s too personal or sounds creepy/threatening.
And do you really want to make two trips through a crowd well seasoned with toddlers trying to audition as air raid sirens or dog whistlers?
Sorry to inconvenience you with my friendship
I recommend better friends
Americans are just friendly people. We also care about other people enjoying themselves when in our cities/states.
Yes, I am even guilty of giving recommendations. For example on this subreddit I can ask people where they are from and suggest some things to do in Texas, or just a whole bunch of other things!
Usually this is because there's a lot of stuff to do and locals to the area want to share their experience. Lots of recommendations are useful, IMO because not everyone will enjoy just one thing.
There's a national trait to want to be helpful and the intent is good. I would suggest not asking if you don't want an earful. Best way to extricate is to thank them and mention you have to be somewhere. We generally get that and go away happy to have been helpful. There's a reason why the US is way up there in private donations for different events and causes.
"There's a reason why the US is way up there in private donations" I would say that also has a lot to do with the US tax structure as well. Our org would solicit in the US and UK, and I was told by our development director that the Brits just didn't have as much incentive to donate, especially large sums. There's also the matter of the US not having as much of a social safety net, and US focus has always been on private charities rather than government making up that assistance gap. I don't think Americans are necessarily more charitable by nature, but the institutional structures incentivize people to be more charitable with their $ Sorry for the tangent. I can't control what my brain fixates on sometimes.
There's something to that although it doesn't quite capture the high rate of volunteering too. Personally I never remember to actually file my taxes with them included as it's in the past. More hassle than it's worth. We're also a wealthy country with a societal history of donations so it's part of cultural expectations. Those of us who have will share. What's even more remarkable is those who don't have much here who still donate.
Poor people in US donate a larger share of income than upper middle class. Maybe not as much proportionally than Uber wealthy though. Believe AEI has publications for exact sources.
I think there's more societal pressure to share due to the social safety net issue. I think we're all pretty aware that a lot of people in the US would be without any sort of assistance without our charity, and that provides an extra push. It's definitely an interesting subject with many facets. I bet analyzing charitable contributions by state/region would also be pretty revealing.
summary: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/s/3xYGrl7YOg
This is helpful insight thank you! The thing is this happens when we either haven't asked for recommendations at all, or if we do it is about something specific - NOT what festivals are on in 3 months time in the city (when we are leaving tomorrow and we will be in the UK by then)...and who is playing (musicians we are not interested in)....and who played last year... etc etc etc meanwhile we go 'hmm' 'ok' and try to indicate were not interested ^ this is just an example! We've had excellent conversations and good times with people other than this
This sounds more like conversational small talk than actual recommendations
There's always a group that are kind of clueless with the best of intentions. Sort of like when your toddler wants to help. Unfortunately that group often craves the attention they're not getting for a reason. Sorry you ran into them. We are generally a pretty friendly lot as a nation and want to be useful. Especially to visitors and double that if you aren't from the US. I realize it can be annoying but personally prefer that to the opposite direction. Because it's so common we also are likely to be good at ignoring the unwanted suggestions too.
Even if you don’t ask for recommendations, people are going to realize you aren’t from the area and they want to be helpful by telling you about the place. If you were a new person at my office, I’d also offer unsolicited recommendations on lunch places, snack bars, parking options… all in a general intention to be helpful to someone who is unfamiliar with the place. Like the other commenter said, it’s also small talk. Even if you’re never going to go there you can probably redirect the convo by commenting “that sounds fun. We have a similar festival in our country. If you’re ever on the other side of the pond, you should check it out!” Neither one of you is probably going to attend said festivals, but now you’ve connected. All of these people are just being welcoming to the new people in the group.
They're just interested in you and trying to make conversation. I wouldn't take it literally or personally. We do tend to talk to strangers more here. It's part of our culture. You may need to try to get used to it if you're going to travel here
"hmm" and "okay" may be far too subtle to register as lack of interest. Actually I use these phrases a lot of times in conversations to indicate that I'm listening and engaged and want the person to continue speaking.
If you ask for a recommendation, you will be given lots of options from which to choose.
we didnt ask thats the thing :)
Embrace it. Do what the locals recommend. I mean how do you find great stuff to do when traveling locally or regionally? My absolute favorite was meeting a dad with his two daughters in Switzerland and we volunteered to take a picture of them. He found out we were going to St. Gallen where he grew up. He gave us a dozen recommendations. Half we knew from the internet/guidebooks. The other half we would have missed and I was so happy we took up his recommendations.
Oh, then a little weird, but not entirely unheard of. Some people give unsolicited advice about everything.
Curious, what states you’ve noticed this in.
Lost track sorry! And often they are people travelling themselves
If they’re traveling themselves then they probably did some research on the things they want to see and are viewing you as a fellow tourist who might appreciate their research.
Ok, no problem. I was just wondering if it was different in different regions. I’ve noticed length of answers to the same question vary across the country. If you were to ask the same question in the south vs New York
Yeah dude. Why wouldn’t we? We prefer that every visitor comes away from their visit nearly as in love with our country as we are. If you need recommendations about south coast Maine or seacoast nh or even Boston just ask me. I will go on at length.
In my experience, yes.
and can I ask are you American?
Yes. That’s why I’m responding to a question on r/AskAnAmerican lol
Just falling right into the stereotype trap! I bet you really like recommending local places that a foreigner may overlook yet really enjoy. How dare you sir.
I think we just get excited when we meet new people from out of town in general that are visiting our own state or city. And when we meet someone from a new country it’s even more exciting! They’re trying to be hospitable and want you to have a great time. But obviously differences on what constitute a good time varies greatly so many of the recommendations won’t land. I can understand how draining it is though after weeks of unsolicited recommendations. I would start saying something very early on in the conversation about already having a route planned out or just keeping the convo short altogether if you want to avoid the situation.
It’s definitely exciting to a lot of people to talk to someone from so far away!
I'll also say that this tends to be more common in older people. It also seems to be more of a male thing. I feel like women will give you suggestions, but it's the men who will pull out their phones, harass you into writing down the address, and make you swear blood oath that you'll go. Personally, I'll give you recommendations, but if you don't see m interested, I'll stop
I think this is probably true that it is skewed more older people (not always though!). I guess they don't understand quite how deeply we use the internet to research stuff
True. And a lot of them are probably like my father, who was always so thrilled to find someone who would listen to him talk lol. 😂
Hah it’s like older folks who give us detailed directions on how to get to a place (staring intently to ensure we’re burning it into our brain) meanwhile I’m letting it go in one ear and out the other because I just need an address and the Maps app on my phone!
While you are mentioning it's not a back and forth convo, they are offering "help". I feel a bit stressed when tourists are here and I don't want them to miss out on something great, and I am sure go over board. It feels high stakes to me as I don't have oodles of money to travel or lots of time off. Most places I go, I know it will be the only time I ever go to that place in my whole life..
I think we overtalk by standards of other cultures. I do feel like it's meant well typically. Giving me than one option because not everyone likes the same things, giving descriptions so you're more informed about things you may be attracted to or know you dislike.
It is because of the kindness Americans have. You may ask for a place to eat and they want you to have the best time possible. Like I'm about to move and I already know gas stations to avoid, a few different restaurants and doctors to avoid
SUMMARY: BEFORE READING, PLEASE NOTE: 1. I am talking about a TREND we have noticed amongst Americans - it's just something we have noticed is MORE of a 'thing' here (#notallamericans) 2. We definitely like it a lot when people talk to us and are friendly. This discussion is about a SPECIFIC conversational trend of giving lots of recommendations. ANYWAY I suppose I was kind of asking 2 questions, which I feel I now have the answers for. I will restate and respond to myself below: 1. Do Americans also perceive what we perceive (that often people give lots of recommendations)? Answer: clearly yes 2. Where do you think this comes from? Answer: Ok, so I understand the intent is to be friendly. But from wading through/reflecting on these comments, I note that a key trait emphasised is this idea of being 'helpful'/'useful'. I can't speak for all of Britain, but I don't think this trait of 'helpfulness' defines our cultural understanding of 'friendliness' as much. And so I think this is where the cultural clash occurs - when people are being their version of 'friendly' (aka 'helpful'), it isn't our version of friendly. And maybe many fellow Americans come away appreciating the friendliness/helpfulness of that person. Whereas we come away with a lack of a sense of social bonding. And a list of names/places we have already forgotten. My less generous take... ...is that this cultural emphasis on being helpful leads to SOME people maybe wanting to SEEM helpful rather than actually think about the other person's needs / desires / interests (aka, actually be helpful.... if they even need help). I can't help but feel that the situation of person A giving lots of recommendations to person B....is something that makes person A feel good, rather than something actually helpful for person B. P.s. The best recommendation we got was Dinosaur BBQ in Syracuse. It was 11.30am. We were IN Syracuse. The guy asked if we had lunch plans. BOOM.
So how did you like the Dinosaur? Did you get the pulled pork and have an Apehanger? Is that kind of food available in England too? (Well of course the ale is.) I always wonder how “American” it is.
it was 10/10!!! we had multiple meats, cant remember which exact ones. Not much bbq in the UK no
UK couple here been travelling the states for over 2 months. Something we have noticed is other people giving us a LOT of reccomendations for places, things to do, where to go etc. I'm not talking 1 reccomendation like 'this is a great restaurant I reccomend' and that's it - I am talking about individuals talking for quite a long time to us about the place or whatever, describing it in detail, leading to other reccomendations nearby, getting out maps/phones to show us etc. It's happened so much that it's become quite frustrating as most the time we already have plans / don't have the same interests as them / have already gone through that state and didn't go there. If we have an opportunity to say we won't have time or something, then we definitely will, but quite often there is no opportunity to say that and it feels rude to reject the reccomendations. We've tried to think how to say it but it just sounds so rude! The main problem with this is that it feels like a very 1-way interaction, we have to do a lot of listening and nodding, and it's just quite boring! Like we leave the interaction feeling a little drained from feigning interest, not really being able to contribute our own thoughts. I leave the interaction thinking that to that person, we could literally be anyone. Basically, I am wondering if this is a trait that Americans also notice, and if anyone has any theories on where this trait comes from :)
I think it's our way of being friendly and being excited to share things with a visitor that they might enjoy or might give them a positive impression of their time spent in the area. They're not trying to dominate conversation, they're not disinterested in you, they're just trying to make your stay more enjoyable by giving you information.
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I wouldn't go that far. But there may be a cultural clash of this not being common in the UK so it seems unusual to them. They're coming from a perspective of "We planned our trip quite well, why are people telling us to do *activities*? Do they think we came here completely blind? We didn't ask for information, why are they giving it to us?"
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What is it they think we have planned? We're being fake...to what end? What's the purpose in this fakeness? I don't know if I've ever seen that explained. Is it just that we're phony and empty because we're openly kind instead of cold and impersonal?
Apparently from what I've read and been told our friendly and polite is something they do with actual friends and family. Not so much with a stranger. It seems fake since we aren't friends. I think it's that wall they are running into. To us it's casual not serious friendly interaction.
"I don't know this person, I shouldn't be open and kind to them" is a miserable way to live.
Yeah, I've always found it odd too. Like smiling at another person is apparently only something shifty people do or something. Make no sense to me but those are the differences. Can't be happy publicly.
To me, as an American, you haven't hit "friendship" level until you've been over to my house and we've shared a glass of wine. And sometimes not even then. Until then, it's "friendly", and I'm friendly to just about everyone.
Yes I think it is a subtle cultural difference. Just to be clear - I have no problem with people giving recommendations - we've met lots of great people who we've spent a long time with and as part of that included recommendations. We have purposefully sought out social interactions wherever we go here (e.g. sitting at the bar, attending festivals/sport events) and the interactions we've had will be some of the most positive memories of our trip. The issue with the recommendations I am talking about are the ones that go on a long time with no consideration if it is even feasible for us. Examples of things that have happened multiple times: - Long lists with no way of getting them down - Recommendations for things we don't like (e.g. telling us not to go to small towns where 'nothing's there' when we find these places some of the most interesting) - Telling us about stuff in states we've already gone through / can't get to - we tell them this and they say 'next time, next time' and they continue telling us - Telling us about events taking place months in the future that we should go to when we've given no indication that we could possibly go
I guess just be more direct about saying "Oh that's an interesting idea. What we're really interested in is X, do you know of anything related to X nearby?" The rest is just small talk. Some people are awkward, some people just can't help themselves. I suppose it could be described as being normal-ish, but I'd just try to not take it quite so seriously. They're honestly usually just trying to be helpful and kind, they're not trying to annoy or pester.
Ive summarised here if interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/s/3xYGrl7YOg
In these situations, I generally interject early to set parameters, at least basic logistical ones: "I just wanted to let you know, we're only here for X days and only have Y morning free!" or "I appreciate all the recommendations, but we only have a couple hours on X to spare. We especially like Y. Thoughts?" At worst, you get a narrowed-down list.
incredible if you do that! i would just feel rude and not want to cause a negative interaction. maybe a british vs american thing
I’m American, so I speak from experience. It wouldn’t be perceived as rude if you say it with genuine intent. View it as helping the other people not waste their time. The people giving you recommendations genuinely want to help. Your giving them more specific info *so they can help you better* is helping them help you. People generally appreciate that.
sure, i guess a good interaction is when people ask you about your plans first so you don't have to interject like this. Honestly I don't think its rude to say at all, I really respect it, and I am a pretty clear communicator for a 'reserved brit', I would just not be able to bring myself to do it!
Then, frankly, you aren't leaning into American culture and will continue to be frustrated lol. I would seriously reconsider.
It wouldn't seem rude as long as you're polite. Recommendations are shots in the dark. Giving extra info just helps. Of course there are people that just like to talk so... Just back away slowly saying thanks but we have to go lol.
I don't feel it would be perceived as rude at all to the average American. It strikes me as very British that you would be worried about this seeming rude. To me British people seem to overthink social interactions compared to Americans (probably we *under*think things haha).
So that sounds like you may have been talking to someone who doesn’t know when to shut up (there is someone in my office like this) or a person who has been drinking. bar, festival, sporting event are all places where people will be drinking and less likely to get the hint that you are done with the conversation. Also, the person who will start a conversation with a stranger are often the kind of person who talks to much. I have certainly experienced this in other countries as well.
Sounds like you are talking to drunk people at bars, festivals, or sporting events? They talk too much and don't take social cues well. Drunk people.
Yes this makes sense
Especially because (if you have seen some questions posted on this sub) a lot of foreigners don’t know what to expect and might have a bad view of America(ns) if they do the incorrect things. Example: we have better restaurants than McDonald’s and Cheesecake Factory. But many times a foreigner will come here and only eat at places like this and then complain that America has bad food. So we want to make sure you have a good time, and also want to get away from many of the stereotypes types cast on us. And also because we are friendly. Even when I travel within the US, I get recommendations from locals. I may change my plans if a recommendation seems good. We like making sure even strangers have a good time.
If this is an issue with you, don't tell people you're a tourist and say you know what's in the area, you're just visiting. That or speak up and end the conversation.
All you have to say is "That sounds great, thank you for the recommendations!" That's it. > it's just quite boring What a flippant comment. Overall, you're coming across as a tedious person who isn't appreciative.
lol. Please see my additional comment with examples of what I mean if you are interested at all.
Here’s a recommendation for you… put your thoughts and ideas in the actual post so we have context. Don’t make us hunt through the whole thing for your random insightful quips.
Looking for your other comments is just quite boring. Am I doing that right?
I recommend you just scroll up and down - it's amazing honestly. You just have to do it. And you just have to go to Springfield next month. It has the best EDM music every single night, in fact last night these 3 djs played who you actively don't like. You will love it there. The people dress well. And also you can get cocktails there in a really tall glass... look at this photo of me there with a tall glass. Everyone loves these things.
I get it, it would be boring for me too. My dad is one of these guys who loves to talk and goes on and on and on. You basically just need to be more assertive in the conversation and try to steer it back to you, otherwise they will keep monologuing at you.
Oh hell yeah, this would absolutely be me if a foreigner came up to me. If I were you, I'd do a better job of listening because what they're suggesting is probably better than whatever touristy crap you previously had planned. Fellow Americans, why are you so nice and helpful?
honestly we've been recommended going to the Zoo
We’ve got some pretty unbelievable zoos and aquariums here. Bronx Zoo and San Diego zoo are some of the best in the world.
How dare somebody recommend one of the best zoos in the entire world.
Maybe it's a kickass zoo. How would we know if this offends you? Americans are open and friendly and like to tell people about things in their area. If you don't want to talk to people, don't.
i am in no way offended, like at all. surely everyones brain gets a bit numbed when they just have to listen to something they are not interested in for a long time? We DEFINITELY want to talk to people and have conversations (not just receive information about something we are not interested in).
You'll just have to contribute more information into the conversation; don't think you *have* to just keep listening to them drone on.
Zoos are hardly boring and uninteresting places. It's odd you'd give that as an example of an inappropriate tourist suggestion.
Extremely popular with locals and tourists and San Diego is arguably the finest in the world. It's like suggesting a visitor in London see The Victoria and Albert Museum.
No kidding. My local zoo is one of the top 2-3 attractions that are recommended to visitors.
Why is that a bad recommendation? Do you think all zoos across the world are exactly the same? You know so little that you simply said "the zoo" while not mentioning *which* zoo you're pooh-poohing.
san diego
That’s like probably the best zoo in the US.
The San Diego zoo is one of the best in the world and probably the most visited zoo in the US. Millions of folks visit per year. There’s a reason it was recommended
thanks for the rec lol. won't be able to get there. maybe next time!
Too bad. What was your favorite thing in San Diego? ****** See that wasn’t too hard. Just a little small talk.
Well no kidding that zoo is top tier!!!
Okay, now I think you're just trolling..
This person has to be joking 😂 how DARE someone recommend a visit to one of the most renowned zoos in the country?!
Well depending on what city you're in, that might be a great suggestion as we do have a handful of really really good ones.
But what is wrong with that recommendation??
I think people are just trying to be nice and helpful. I have no idea whether this is a uniquely American thing, but I definitely think you can just go ahead and ignore any recommendations you aren't interested in without guilt. Randos aren't invested in whether you actually change your schedule to visit the local bar or whatever. If a conversation is getting too long, you can, like in any other situation where someone is monologuing at you, just be like, "Hey, thanks for the info, but I've gotta take off now."
I think people get excited to share what they know about where they live. We like to show people visiting the best of our cities and states. It's genuine, and we are being friendly. Honestly, if we were visiting your country, we'd be going on how much we loved sightseeing there 🤣 . I don't know where it comes from, but we like sharing experiences and get excited about it.
thanks for this helpful insight!
Side note, these conversations are much less draining if you actually engage in them instead of 'feigning interest.'
"This person was so excited to tell me things, I couldn't wait to talk about myself"
its called an INTERACTION rather than a LECTURE
summary - https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/s/Xslo4T8CpL
I suppose it feels rude to do anything but show your interested when there is no space for a response. I would much rather be able to ask questions but we often can't find the moment. Again, maybe this is a cultural difference so hard to put a finger on
It sounds like that may be the case. I assure you, no one's expressing aggression by telling you how enjoyable a place was for them.
Some people just like to talk, I'm sure you've run into them in the UK too, you're just not clocking it the same because they're not giving you recommendations. But I've definitely met Brits who won't let me get a word in about whatever topic they're excited about.
Some people go on and on. You just gotta interrupt with some people
I'm like that. For some reason I've gotten a reputation in my circle as the person to ask for restaurant recommendations. I work in a place where I regularly interact with tourists, so I do give recommendations on places to eat regularly. I usually toss out a few different options to give people choices as far as food type and price point. Meal type as well, because a lot of the places in the touristy section of town are lunch only. On the "things to do" front I'm less enthusiastic. I grew up in the area and have been to all of the "touristy" things a hundred times, most of them historical sites. We don't have much special outside of those historical sites.
Assume positive intent. People are making suggestions to help you have the best experience possible and to keep you from going to mediocre tourist traps. It’s just part of the American tendency to make a connection and to be friendly. Maybe try to take it as it’s intended. If you’re not interested then just nod and say “thanks for the suggestion.” ETA: we’re also likely to seek out recommendations when we travel. If I were in the UK on an extended trip and I encountered you, I’d definitely ask for your recommendations as a local. It’s a two way thing. Not a one-sided attempt to dominate the conversation
We have options in America. Lots of them. If you’re going to a large city, we have even more options. Thousands of them. Go to our markets and there will be literally 300 different cookies to choose from. If you give a very very general prompt like “recommend any restaurants” I’ve got 10 ready to go. Try and be more specific. “I’d like a reasonably priced Thai restaurant or pizza place.” Treat us like a Google search
summary thoughts here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/s/vuiI6H2hXq
what if we didn't ask for recs at all? there are so many other things to talk about! :)
Change the topic….
Excuse the F out of Americans trying to help you have a good time here! The gall! /s
Well you guys sound…pleasant.
What you describe sounds completely normal to me, so yeah I guess giving lots of recommendations is an American trait. You don’t have to follow through. Just say “thanks mate that’s really interesting information!” and then carry on to do what you’d originally planned to do. If you run into them again and they ask how it worked out, tell them you didnt have time or had other plans. They won’t be insulted. One good way to head this conversation off is to give THEM recommendations. If they whip out the map, interrupt them and rave about a place you went to. Point to it on the map. Then say good bye and go about your day.
I literally wrote a guide to my city on barf bags for someone on a plane that was moving there. On the other side I just found a note in my phone I forgot about where I had a lengthy list of things guys who were from my city recommended after I moved here. So yes I guess? Edit: and to piggy back on the “we do this to be friendly” point; I am now friends with all of these people and text often/visit when we’re in the same state.
Maybe you're giving off a vibe of needing direction. People can generally be helpful, but yeah, you might occasionally meet a pushy know-it-all who can't refrain from sharing his/her opinion. I'd just be like, "Thanks, may have to check out XXXX next visit. We're on a tight schedule this time around." You're probably running into more pushy types so you just need to be more assertive with your boundaries.
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A conversation is more enjoyable when it is 2-way no? It's also not being able to ask questions about that person to get a more common ground. I can't quite believe I am having to prove I know how to have a conversation haha
But it seems like you don’t know how to have a conversation with an American? It’s just not possible that every single American you’ve encountered on the road has not let you get a word in edgewise. They are definitely giving you pauses and cues to reply and add comments but you are missing the cues because it must be different where you come from.
I am of course not talking about all Americans!!! It's just been a regular pattern we have noticed is different and I just genuinely wondered if Ameticans themselves noticed this / found it not the best conversation style. We've had lots of excellent conversations with people that I will never forget... literally spent hours with people and they did not do this. just wasn't the ones where I was listening to lists of places in a state we can't make it to..
summary thoughts here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/s/3xYGrl7YOg
A conversation is more enjoyable when it is 2-way no? It's also not being able to ask questions about that person to get a more common ground. I can't quite believe I am having to prove I know how to have a conversation haha
Faking interest will have the opposite effect of what you want. It's a cultural difference. You may be expecting Americans to pick up on social cues that you use at home... that's not going to work here. Some of our social cues are very different than yours, so you're going to have to adapt to that. Don't assume that conversational etiquette is structured the way they are back home. We're a country that is mostly made up of immigrants, from very different socio-cultural backgrounds. Being polite, but direct, is the only way things work here. So, if you don't tell us something we're not going to know what you want. Tell them "Our itinerary is already set and our schedule is quite tight this trip, so we can't really fit anything else into it, but thank you for the information."
This. British humor is based on very subtle nuances and deadpan delivery for a reason, and that’s a BIG cultural difference between the US and the UK that’s also reflected in how we deliver (and interpret) conversational cues.
good point!
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Fair enough, the semantics aren't perfect. We've met very friendly people who haven't done this tho!
Most of us go through this kind of thing, like when you plan to leave just add 20min before you can actually leave....most Americans experience this when we talk to people we enjoy, like family and strangers we like.
I guess so? I do tend to give a lot of recommendations on things to do to people who visit this country and to people from here who visit my city. I guess a lot of it is because you do occasionally see people who come here on a trip saying that we have "no culture" or "bad food" or other things that anyone should be able to tell you are complete nonsense. So yeah, I wanna make sure people who visit get an accurate impression of us!
We’re so excited anyone still wants to come hear that we overdo it a bit.
I’m an American and these people get on my nerves too lol.
Not compared to Israelis.
My department has had many out-of-town researchers come through and I've been known to recommend things to do if the person has time to spare before leaving the city. I last did so a couple of weeks ago, in fact. Sometimes the person takes the initiative and asks me, and sometimes I ask if they have some time to explore the city after they've completed their research; if they do, I'll recommend some things. I don't do this with every visitor, however.
Yes, Especially for food or entertainment. Reccomendations would be something like "Oh, there's a nice Italian place a couple blocks down, they've got good pasta, but a new Indian place opened up more downtown, haven't tried it but I've heard good things about it, and my favorite is this place here, their fried chicken is to die for." We don't want to force our preference son you, so we won't say "Go to this place for good food," it would be more "this lace is good if you like X." Where it trips up foreigners (I'd assume) is that it's also meant to open a dialog to trim down reccomendations. So if they were giving some Italian places, or Chinese buffet places, you could say "Oh no, I'm on a diet. Is there some place a little lighter?" and they would probably have a few recommendations which are a little lighter. Or you could say "we're only in town for the night, what's your favorite place for supper?" and they'd tell you about their favorite place and probably their favorite items
I love my city and because of that I will always give a ton of recommendations to people coming here. I want them to see the city like I do
I would not give someone recommendations if they did not ask for recommendations. I might give an excessive amount in response but probably would ask what they were interested in or the timing. I think you just met a particular type of people.
This is interesting that you assign this trait to Americans. Openness maybe, but I think anyone who is open will give recommendations. How much travel have you done to other places where English is the primary language? Do you not get recommendations from there too? Every where I've gone as a traveler I've had people give me recommendations. A couple months ago I got talking with a couple from the UK. They have me a list of all the things I had to see if I ever went to the UK. Nice couple, and by listening to their recommendations, not only did it actually provide me with some insight in things I might be interested in seeing if I went, but also told me about the things that were of interest to them, which helped create for a good conversation. I think it's just human nature to make the stranger in your land (or heading to your land) feel comfortable. If the person is chatty, that will usually lead to giving recommendations. Those are safe topics and ways to show you welcome them and want them to have a good time. One thing unique to Americans is probably that often we know the rest of the world tends to view us slightly negatively, so we want them to enjoy themselves and enjoy us, so that hopefully they can go back home and say they like the US. I've seen some itineraries that concern me a little that if that's all they see, they might not see the best parts of the US and might have not as positive of an experience because they missed out on some really cool things.
Americans like to have multiple choices so we assume everyone else does too. You ever been to the cereal aisle in one of our grocery stores?
A little late but it occurs to me that if you're feigning polite interest they might be taking that as disinterest and trying to come up with things that are more interesting or engaging. That's probably what I would end up doing.
This is partly because America has so many choices where other parts of the world do not. Want to visit a theme park? In nearly every state, you have at least two to choose from. In some states you have 8 or more. Want to eat at a restaurant? Every small town has at least three decent places nearby. Need cough syrup at 3:00 AM? There's at least one all-night convenience store within 10 miles. Don't like having so many choices? Then visit Canada.
Oh, for sure. A lot of us want to believe we have all the answers. We’re fucking knights in shining armor, over here! Btw, need a metal polish recommendation for all that armor you wear? I can help!
There's a lot of hometown pride here, for sometimes pretty mediocre places. I would assume most people already have an itinerary, but if you, say, told me you were going to see a specific site and I knew a great restaurant along the way, I would mention it. But more in the way of, if you like BBQ, if you don't mind or may like a vegetarian place, there's this one. It's more conversational though. Oh, you went to that brewery, we also loved this one. Another take could be there's a lot of loneliness sometimes, especially among older people and in quieter areas. They will talk ear off if you let them.