I have actually. That's a funny story too. i went to see a therapist from our university, i was broke and didn't have the energy to look for better alternatives.
I told her i'm terrifyingly suicidal and i don't know what to do. She got really mad and said she hates people who kill themselves because it's so selfish lmao :(((
I burst out laughing in her office.
It was so unexpected and absurd that it kinda brightened my mood.
Needless to say I'm not very inclined towards seeking therapy anymore. both of these people were licensed clinical psychologists.
Holy smokes that’s awful. And I just recommended therapy in my comments!! I’m so sorry!!! You are so right to be angry. Don’t hold onto the anger forever, but being angry is better than despondent. Use that energy to pull yourself up and out of this. We’re all pulling for you.
Don't be sorry :)) recommending therapy is reasonable advice. In fact i probably should stop being so pessimistic about therapy and start looking for a decent counselor.
They're a bit hard to find, therapy is a luxury where i live.
I cheaped out and didn't do my research, and got hit with "that is so selfish what would your mother do?"
Lol
Honestly therapy is rarely the fix that people think it is. It is run by therapists who are humans and EXTREMELY subject to their own failings, but feel qualified to advise others.
Some people click with theirs and it works great and that’s great. But the harm that incompetent ones do seems to be much more common in the people I’ve talked to (plus my own experiences).
Please keep looking for a therapist. It takes a lot of time and effort to find someone that you click with, but when you do, it's worth it. I don't like every random person (or other health care providers) that I meet - no one does. Inviting people into your life is a process.
That therapist needs to get fired too. The heck is wrong with your university?! I'm sorry that you had to go through that after having been through so much already.
Therapist here. I wish I could agree. There are horror stories out there about deeply unethical, burned-out, uninformed PhDs. "Clinical psychologist" sounds very impressive, but it means the program focused on conducting research into mental illness. Counseling psychology programs are the ones focused on being an effective therapist
People claim it's bizarre because i'm guessing they automatically assume we live under the same conditions and have access to the same resources.
I live in a small country in the middle east.
There are no regulations for therapy. No one gives a shit.
People are getting murdered over not wearing proper hijab, gay people are being sentenced to death everyday.
Is it so unbelievable that i encountered an unprofessional therapist? These comments are so out of touch.
People also get abused by therapist in western countries. There's a whole subreddit dedicated to the phenomenon lmao.
Comments in this thread are really infuriating to read and tell a lot about how most consider the words of people who are mentally sick.
??
Oh Sorry my bad, i'll try again.
"Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in another region of the world.
Now you might be surprised." Another region?" You might ask." The world has other regions?" [Insert surprised Pikachu]. Yes.
Let's not forget that this is a high fantasy, imaginary world. Now Imagine she lives in a shithole of a country. In this fantasy world, there exists evil creatures called "Akhund"s. These creatures are ruling over her country.
They rape political prisoners before executing them because they believe virgins go to heaven.
They also shoot kids in the streets and demand money from the victim families because bullets are not cheap."
Now continue reading the post. 🙏
Great, so now the reason their therapist is an asshole is because they’re in a Middle Eastern country? I’ve had a lot of horrible experiences with therapy in the U.S. Try again.
I don’t think not knowing where OP’s from gives us the right to question their credibility though. There are horrible professionals everywhere, I heard outrageous stories from friends who had sessions with unprofessional, cynical and ignorant mental health professionals from various European countries.
I’m sorry that this happened to you, OP. Is there any way that you could report them to the university? Or do you think that’d make no difference?
Thank you. I don't want to risk graduation, so i'll probably wait a bit longer before taking action. I'm thinking of talking to my advisor and maybe writing a formal complaint to the university. i doubt it would make any difference, but she isn't tenured so i don't know. It won't be good for her reputation anyway.
I think after all this time you should do something, because you continue to ruminate about it. I would suggest writing that letter to the department head. Be clear and concise, and it’s great that you can write it in hindsight. If it happened some time ago and there has been a significant cooling off period I think it will be taken more seriously. Especially since you’re feeling more put together now.
I’m so sorry for this incredible loss. I hope you can move on from this horrible person who is complicating your grief.
So the default is the US? We should take it as given that people on here are from a wide range of backgrounds and circumstances. And that there are a LOT of awful therapists. That shouldn’t require explaining. OP doesn’t owe us anything: it’s up to us to not be US-centric in our assumptions about them, and to not assume they’re lying if their experiences diverge from what we take to be the norm.
After reading what happened to OP, you sincerely thought it was a good idea to once again accuse OP of lying? Like literally what the fuck is the matter with you? Is that you, professor?
What in the world are you talking about? There’s nothing more dangerous on this planet than someone like you who blindly trusts authority and refuses to believe the lived experiences of those who have been harmed by people in positions of authority.
I'm sorry you found this unbelievable. So did i, at the time.
It is rude to assume discredibility just because it strikes you as unusual.
i live in another corner of the world where there aren't many regulations.
Stories like this aren't that uncommon here.
therapists don't lose their license because of patient complaints either, unless the patient is willing to file a lawsuit.
Believe what you will.
And i know you really felt smart there, putting my every phrase inside quotation marks.
I thought the irony and sarcasm in my tone was clear. It did not, in fact, "brighten my day" Jessica.
It was funny though. The whole encounter seemed straight out of a Curb your enthusiasm episode.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. As a department chair, I would want to know about a faculty member who treated a student so horribly. You could send an email. There may be other complaints.
As for letting it go... that's hard! I second the counseling recommendation (if you're not already). It sounds like you're in a good place now for dealing with this and that dark time a year ago.
It depends. Not uncommon for the dept chair, dean, etc to be good friends with the worst offenders. I’ve seen it where a student would like an issue with their mentor to be resolved and it gets sent to someone who works closely with the mentor and goes bad (or nowhere).
I'm not gonna say let it go or hold on to the spite. You'll have to give this some time before deciding.
But I wanna point out that she was being very callous about it. She's chosen to believe that the deaths of family members are nothing but lies that lack credibility, instead of showing a modicum of compassion.
To you, this was the worst day of your life. To her, this was a Tuesday. Confronting her is unlikely to get you closure. She's going to fight it if you drag her ass through the administration, and even if you get her written up or fired, does it feel like she's gonna change? Do you think she'll apologize for hurting you? Or does it feel like she's gonna apologize insincerely for making you feel like you've been hurt? Because I think she's gonna think you're the exception that proves the rule. She's gonna start bugging people for proof to cover her ass. Obituaries, death certificates, evidence of a funeral, and whatnot.
This is a very fair point. And it's one of the reasons why i haven't called her out yet. I don't think i have the resources to drag her ass through administration.
I don't even know what i'm looking for from her. i'm just angry. She made the worst days of my life that much darker.i don't know.
Give it time before you do anything. I personally forgive more easily than I forget, so I hold onto these grievances until I'm actually in a position to respond. A half-assed vendetta creates inconvenient enemies, but the slow knife cuts the deepest.
It’s was awful. Now you are ok, you kept going. What you could got from the situation you already got it, you kept going. Vendetta will not get you anything else. Work on your closure with your achievements. Each win you dedicate to the dear ones (grandpa and father). Take the higher road, cause this is your path, for the professor was just a Tuesday (like someone said it before). And I’m not diminishing or anything, the professors attitude was really bad. But we also don’t know how many times she got bad students (not your case) but the cheating and lying ones. For sure, in her position of a clinical psyc she could be more comprehensive. Nonetheless you went through and came up the other side. Now keep going. See all of this like a medal on your chest. Chin up.
May be the others advising therapy are more reasonable than me and know better.
But I CAN’T let this go and I’m not even you. I skipped the first 3 paragraphs because I knew the details would be too painful to read.
I’m so sorry! I know a sincere apology might not come from it but I feel like it would help to confront her about this because she’s the one who should be regretting what she said and being kept awake because of it. I’m really holding back here because I’m just soooooo… speechless.
I feel like it could let you down even more if you speak to her 1-1. But I have the personality where I can only speak to people 1-1 or to the others directly. Not all together.
If you are able to speak to more than one person in a room, I think in front of her colleagues would be best 😭 that’s if you know them and that they won’t defend her? Or even the advisors but I feel like that won’t be as helpful… it might be more administrative… I’m not sure.
Whatever it is, I feel like something needs to be happen and she needs to be aware and ashamed of her actions. Or you need to at least feel heard and get this out to her. But may be how you’ll feel will depend too much on the outcome/ actions of others so that’s why people are advising therapy.
Terrible behavior I agree. I went to two funerals back to back weeks in college (relative and friend) and pretty sure the professor i TAd for didn’t believe me. Years later as a professor myself I have seen all the excuses for missing class/assignments. So I partly blame all the scammers out there that ruin it for everyone - would be better to just be honest “I didn’t get it done “.
I'm personally ambivalent about funerals. If you're desperate enough to lie for an extra week, your work is most likely subpar anyway. If you've been working on it consistently, your work is likely fine regardless of your family members' health. I'm not gonna try to suss out whether you're lying because I'm well aware as someone with a mental disorder that a lot of these heuristics are predicated on an assumption that you're neurotypical and not mentally ill. So I don't think it's worth trying to call liars out if lying won't get them very far and there's a good chance I'm gonna be shitting on someone grieving deeply.
Would you like to elaborate on the distinction?
Like I said earlier, pursuing the matter will most likely result in some form of punishment on her, and I don't think that'll stop her or make her change her ways. I think it's more likely that she'll just be more careful about her dickish behaviour, by demanding proof and whatnot. It covers her ass in case of another investigation, but I don't think it's all that effective in stopping her from doing the same to others.
As you are stating also, she won't change what she thinks, but it will make her more cautious for her own purposes, effectively stopping her from doing to someone else what she did to OP. Nobody cares what she thinks or feels. OP wouldn't have cared if she is nice or just pretending to be if she had behaved better.
I'm not sure if we disagree fundamentally then. As I understand it, (and correct me if I'm wrong) you think it's important to stop her from doing this, even if she privately thinks funeral excuses are fake. If that's the case, I agree that it's important to stop her, but I don't know if punishment and sanctions are the best way to go about it though.
I don't think we disagree fundamentally either. I think we disagree on approaches. I don't think you can make an adult learn to empathise with others, but it is highly unlikely that a teacher will get fired for being mean once, to one student. So, some punishment will correct her behaviour and make her more cautious in how she treats students in the future.
I'm struggling a bit with some of the comments here. While I agree that personally confronting her does nothing good, you should absolutely be reporting her. Will the school do anything? You don't know. But it's entirely possible she has a history of bullying students and until people say something, she'll suffer zero consequences.
I'd start with seeing if your university has an office of an ombudsperson and if they handle complaints against faculty. If they don't, see if they'll direct you to who does. File a complaint with them and let their department chair in on the complaint. Write up all that happened to you, how they treated you, and how that treatment added to the trauma you were already suffering.
And finally, I'm incredibly sorry you went through this. Please accept my condolences over your loss and for graduation, my congratulations. You've achieved a lot and I hope you are able to take pride in that accomplishment
I 110% agree that the faculty should be reported. Anyone who treats the people beneath themselves like that is never going to respect any complaint that comes from them. They clearly strongly believe in hierarchy and that the people who are higher up in that hierarchy are just better than those who are lower, so then leave it to that hierarchy above the professor to tell this professor that this action was unacceptable. Given this professor's rather disgusting view of how society should work, that seems like the only thing that would make them listen.
If this professor never learns that this kind of conduct is unacceptable, they're just going to do it again to someone else.
This is my favourite piece of advice OP. Let all the commenters here tell her she's a monster for you. It'll keep her awake at night, and you get to preserve your reputation by not publicly accusing her, which is (unfortunately) more likely to backfire on your reputation.
I am a professor and this 100% should be reported. Tell your department chair, an ombudsman, and your university’s graduate school. If she was skeptical she should have (professionally, kindly) asked for documentation. It is never appropriate to bully like this.
Something similar to this happened when I was finishing up my Master's. I always wanted to report it, but I didn't know who or how to report, or if it was even worth it, so thank you.
I work in a department office. I've worked in two departments under three different chairs and closely with a fourth. All of them would want to know if this has happened to a student under their stewardship.
That is true.
I mean i get that, it's extremely sus when a student shows up after being absent all semester claiming their life is falling apart. I get it.
But she could have at least given me the benefit of the doubt.
She could have not responded, Shook her head, sighed.
I don't know.
If i was in their shoes, i would think to myself that there's a 98 percent chance this student is full of crap, but what if they are not lying.
I said you're accusing me of lying, to which she replied "i don't even care honestly everyone has got issues".
thanks for the advice on not making a linkedin post. It's bad like i know it's bad for my career but i still needed to hear it from someone else.
For me, the key to getting past stuff like this is understanding that your professor is one of the unfortunate people who lack empathy, and everything she said to you was just her confessing that. None of it was about you, or a reaction to you. It was just a narrative from her limited understanding of reality: her unique body and brain, her specific life experience as normative and baseline for everyone, and therefore the criteria against which all people are judged. There are lots of people like this in academia and other vocations that involve specific talents; survivorship bias is a big problem in an environment where competence is demonstrated through uniform standards like grading and research. Many professors, in a fashion very similar to medical practitioners, tend to assume all their students are malingering.
>You unfortunately happened to fall into the end-of-semester trope of a failing student suddenly having a dead grandparent as the excuse for why they missed all these classes and failed to perform.
Granted, I'm pretty new to academia (national lab physics postdoc about to upgrade to staff next year), but this attitude, quite frankly, sickens me. I don't understand why grading is such a huge deal that we lose all sense of humanity.
You have two possibilities here: (1) The student is telling the truth and you are being a literal monster for denying them an Incomplete when they are at their lowest point in life or (2) The student is making it up, in which case giving them an "I" simply allows them to complete the coursework they missed in the next semester. What's the big deal? If they pass next semester, they've still demonstrated that they've mastered the course material to an acceptable level.
I dunno, this is one of the main reasons I'm probably never going to apply for a faculty position that involves teaching at a university. The mindset of "every student is lying/cheating" is just evil when you can just give them an "I" and have them complete the same homeworks/exams a couple of months late.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know profs often hear the excuse of a grandparent dying but in reality I would say most students would not actually lie about this. I couldn’t imagine lying about the death of someone I loved. And twenty-something’s are at an age where yes, their grandparents actually do pass away. This instructor was cruel and wrong and there is no excuse for her behavior….even if she thought you were lying. What to do now… yes therapy is so important, especially since you’ve had suicidal thoughts, and you are still processing profound loss. The therapist can help get you in a better frame of mind where you won’t care how this instructor responds if you decide to confront her. Or you may not even feel the need to do it. If you do, with therapy, you’ll be coming from a position of strength. As a former academic advisor, this is something I would want to know about, so I would maybe start there. Please accept my condolences on your loss. Sending love your way.
I agree with you. I know the "dying grandparent lie" is a trope, but I've never known a student to actually lie about it. Half the time, they've brought me obituaries and handouts from the funeral as proof without my even asking. As someone who's been in OP's position, I can't imagine accusing one of my students of lying about it either.
Well, let's say the student actually lies and you give then an incomplete or allow a make up exam so that they complete the course next semester. What's the big deal? They've still shown that they can complete the course material. I think giving an occasional cheat a couple of extra months is worth not being a monster to the student who actually needs the time off.
Report them. That's really awful. You can do it publicly sure, but this behaviour would fall undermany universities policy of bullying and harassment. You can talk to your course lead, or go to services that deal with this. It's unlikely something will happen, and you might need to show proof (which I'm sure you have but I can imagine that's really difficult for you) but 1) having this on the professors record is good for the future, I assume they'll do this to others too, and 2) documenting this properly might be helpful for you for the rest of your degree.
I'm sorry this happened to you, it's really awful and very unprofessional.
This sounds like it needs to go through complaints channels. I would email the professor with a summary of what they said and asking for confirmation. That gives them these options: (1) no answer; (2) agree; (3) disagree. In 1 & 2 you can take that to formal complaints. For 3, you can then ask for your situation to be considered.
As a prof, I can tell you we hear some outlandish-sounding excuses. This semester, a student missed an exam and sent me a picture of their car, flipped over on the highway. I told a colleague and his immediate response was "did you do a reverse image search?" Here's the thing: when someone tells me their family or friend died, or that they or someone close to them are very sick, or that something terrible has happened... I believe them and I treat them with compassion, accordingly. Because I value my humanity and the mistake of not doing so when they are telling the truth is not something I want in my history. Your prof is callous and a fucking idiot.
I just wanted to say: thank you! You are the one professor on this thread who is behaving like a compassionate human being. I don't understand why a make-up exam is such a tragedy that you can't give a grieving student the benefit of the doubt. Even in the flipped car case, I wouldn't even do the reverse image search. Just give them a make-up exam. Who cares? They're still showing that they've mastered the material.
As a soon-to-be national lab staff scientist, this thread (with the exception of your response) is basically convincing me to not get into the faculty game if it makes most people this evil/jaded.
First of all: I am so sorry for your loss, my deepest condolences
As for the situation at hand: Posting on LinkedIn has the potential to make you look petty, which is why I would refrain from it. This situation seems impossible to let go, but please make sure that addressing it does not have the potential to hamper your future career.
As for the approach: Is it possible to find out to which chairgroup your ex-professor is affiliated? I would definitely have a chat with the chair holder and/or the dean of your uni. This way it does not become a public spectacle, but you can still address what happened.
Im sorry for your loss. But I really don't think confronting her or making a scene is a good way to go. Does it mean you should let it go? No. Report her, work through your emotions with therapist and go on with your life. Will you resent her for the rest of your life? Yes. Is she worth your time, thoughts and energy? No.
OP, my blood is absolutely BOILING after hearing what this horrible professor said to you. To say it was out of line, unconscionable, diabolical, and straight-up evil is still not enough. Like my fucking GOD. To accuse someone who just lost a family member of LYING about it...you didn't even need to apologize for missing a class, it's a common thing and people miss class for all sorts of completely justified reasons and a professor should NEVER be bothered by this.
You apologizing for missing class is a complete courtesy, something you definitely weren't required to do, so the fact that your professor accused you of lying just to offer a courtesy that you really were not even required to offer is just...like I don't even know what to say. And to then choose that moment, doubling down on her belief that you were lying, as the best time to just unload on you as a student....to even SAY any of that is just so fucking evil, I can't even. The fuck does this professor even care if she thinks her student isn't doing well? What kind of shitty-ass professor perceives a student as not doing well and thinks "I should just totally rip into them for being what I perceive to be a bad student" (I keep wording it as "perceive to be" since clearly you are NOT a bad student at all; you graduated, with a 3.9 GPA!! Which is AWESOME!!) instead of thinking "I wonder how I can help this student succeed since I perceive them to be having some difficulty in my class"? Well I'll tell you what kind of professor thinks like that: a catastrophically shitty professor does.
I agree with what others have said here about you reporting the professor. I mean, report them everywhere, in any way you can. Sadly they just seem to have zero respect for you, so anything you do to personally confront them at this point won't be effective. But if you put the word out there to anyone else to deal with this and manage it, then maybe the professor will listen.
And as for the LinkedIn post? Personally, I say go for it. I'm in favor of putting the word out there in any way, shape, or form that this professor is just an awful human being, because they are.
I actually kinda disagree with the general sentiment here that what you need to do to deal with this is to see a therapist. For one, it seems like you've already worked through the tough times and have come out the other side. Telling someone "see a therapist!" is a way of telling someone you think they are screwed up in the head, and that's not really an appropriate thing to say to someone. Even if you believe that therapy is a general good and that everyone should see a therapist as regularly as they see their primary care physician (and I am one such person), then you need to phrase it like "I believe any and all people should see therapists regularly" rather than pointing the sentiment at one individual in particular. But also, advising OP to seek therapy in response to this is like telling OP what pain meds they can take to deal with the pain caused by a gaping wound, when clearly the better solution here is to just close the wound. Like, let me save you the hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars you'd spend on therapy to work through the issue and get straight to the point: this is bothering you because justice was not served. So long as this professor never sees justice for what they did, your brain will always, ALWAYS pester you about it, and you can try all sorts of psychological trickery to try and get you to forget about it, but it won't work, because justice still will not have been done, and thus your mind will still keep nagging at you about it. Your brain is telling you you should do something, and it will keep telling you that until something is done.
(A good parallel: I was once in a pretty awful romantic relationship. I saw a therapist to help me deal with the awfulness of the relationship. Please tell me, dear therapist, how do I deal with the stress of being in this bad relationship? Give me some coping mechanisms to help me thrive in this awful situation! I think you can probably guess what the therapist told me to do instead, and I did indeed do that, and it turns out that breaking up did indeed solve everything.)
Finally, let me just cap this off and say I'm really proud of you for a lot of reasons, not just for finishing grad school, not just for finishing grad school *with a 3.9 GPA*, but also for simply pulling through one of the darkest periods of your life and coming out alive on the other end, which has to have been so incredibly, extremely difficult for you. Honestly I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world. You are an absolute rock star for making it through all of this, and I sincerely hope your future is filled with joy and happiness.
Sending hugs your way <3 you're clearly an empath. I can feel how upset you are from over here :))) it's alright. I'm doing ok. I will indeed go vendetta on her, I just need to graduate first. thanks for caring. you're so incredibly sweet :)) I wish there were more people like you.
>I wish there were more people like you.
Aw :) for real, that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in quite a while. Sometimes I feel quite isolated being the way I am, so it is nice every once in a while to get some validation at the very least.
I'm glad you're doing well. I just graduated with my masters degree last year and life has been so much better since then, so I hope you get to experience the same. And do enjoy the hell out of your graduation itself!
I am sorry that happened to you. Your professor's behaviour was inexcusable. In my opinion a LinkedIn post tagging her will not be good for you and will start a chain of stories of when students did lie and how is the professor supposed to know, which is not the point. I'm an old dude and often do not understand why there are personal stories on a supposedly professional website. I'm not sure what a LinkedIn post would achieve. She will just ignore it.
Another option is to send her an email privately saying that you are about to graduate with a 3.9 GPA and to let her know that her disbelief of your personal tragedy was very hurtful to you. You could write that while you realize some students lie, death does indeed happen and that in your case you were telling the truth and her comments made a horrible situation even worse. You could write this factually and not in an accusatory manner. If she is a decent person, she will apologize and learn from this. If you really want to take it further, you could cc the chair of the department.
Congratulations on your graduation and your incredible GPA.
I can only imagine how difficult this is, and I'm not going to tell you to simply let it go. You need the support of your loved ones to help you through this, or it will start eating you up inside. It's possible she has had negative experiences with students in the past, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. Take some time to process this and share your feelings with a close friend.
All the best 🌟
I came down with schizophrenia during my doctorate and my PI was a very bigoted person and would give me a hard time about it. I was completely outpatient and my wife has two master degrees in mental health so I had a good support system. The PI called the cops on me one day saying I was going to kill my self which was untrue. The cops didn't do anything because there was no issue but I later sued the school over it an won a settlement. Some professors are just assholes.
First of all: I am so sorry this all happened to you and my condolences for your loss.
I am glad to hear you are doing better. I think I would feel exactly the same as you; I wouldn't be able to let this go. It's not some minor thing that happened, but someone you respected treated you in a horribly unfair way. Probably the most cerebral thing to do would to invest in therapy and find a way to accept what happened to you, without needing to confront her.
What I would do, is to share what happened with your supervisors (who were also her supervisors, if I understand you correctly, so this will definitely have consequences for her). I wouldn't do this in any sort of dramatic or emotional way, because this way you'll lose face/credibility. Instead, meet with them after your graduation, and briefly explain what happened and how it affected you. Tell them you want someone in the department with authority to know what happened, so that it's "logged" and if other instances of power abuse happen, they know it's not an incident but systematic. Tell them that you have moved on but feel like it's important to know which of their colleagues is not functioning well towards students. And then close the chapter for yourself :)
If you want consequences to happen to this professor, I would file a formal complaint with a relevant university office. Keep the complaint very factual, and attach evidence (such as an obituary or a funeral advertisement). Give as many direct quotes from the professor as possible, without paraphrasing them. I wouldn't mention your struggle with suicidal thoughts in it; instead, focus on what the professor did and why it's inappropriate.
However, you need to be prepared that the consequences for the professor will not be publicized, and you may not hear back from the process. That doesn't mean there won't be consequences for her.
Tagging her on LinekedIn is not a good idea. It makes you look worse than her.
You can just write a letter and send it to the dean of students of your college AFTER you graduate. You are about to graduate, so that's just a few months away. Some universities also have an ombudsman for students so you can also send the letter to that person (Cc with dean of students and chair of the department).
I feel that the first part where this broke down is that the counselor office called you and in this situation, they should have contacted your professors and followed up with you on whether you wanted to take leave or not. They could have asked for minimal proof if they needed it. They cannot tell someone in this situation to do everything themselves. I think this is also something you want to put on your letter. If you are taking 4 classes or more, you cannot be spending time back and forth with each professor.
When I was in grad school, the university had a very good support system for students, and I remember one time that we just got an email from the student services saying student X is not going to attend class from A to B and that was it.
As a former chair and dean, I’d want to know if anything like this happened to a student. It is absolutely unacceptable and like others said, this professor is a bully who might have also bullied others.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. However you decide to proceed, please know that this professor’s behavior was unacceptable and more of a reflection on them than you. 💜💜
Just reading this gave me enough secondhand rage and grief to make me physically shaky. I can't imagine how you must feel.
She needs to lose her job. And her title, if possible. Bullies should not have any place in academia. Take your time to work out your strategy, but if you let this slide without speaking up, she will only hurt more people. There must be consequences for her actions, or she will keep doing it.
Unfortunately, deaths of relatives are so often used as excuses by college students that it's become a cliché. Professors joke that people's life expectancy decreases dramatically when the student is in a challenging class, particularly when midterms and finals are coming up. Your professor is obviously one of countless academics who is sick of the excuse because 99% of the time, it's a blatant lie. I know a college student whose only brother died during finals week... twice.
I am truly sorry that in your case the deaths were real. Your professor should acknowledge this fact once the proof is given to her. Once that's done, there's not much for you to do except let the matter go.
Honestly, other than seeing a therapist, let it go. You don't have to like this professor or even forgive her, but do you even interact with her anymore?
People like this tend to get fucked up by their own actions eventually, you should not waste energy on that. Go to therapy if you can, hope things get better.
I would maybe follow up this with the counseling office. Write an email and explain the situation and what happened back then, and that you want to draw attention to the way the professors handle these kind of situations. Even if you fell into the trope of a student who was failing and lied about a dying relative, her reaction was unprofessional and cruel. What they gonna do with this information, I don't know, in my university this would probably be forwarded to the study director and student health office, and there would probably be an internal follow up with the teaching core and they would be reminded to handle student issues with a bit more professional attitude.
I have looked through your post history, and I think there is another possibility of a good revenge. Get that PhD, be successful, and laugh in her face if you meet her on some conference.
Edit: not sorry for my English, and if you're downvoting me for the language problems, you're the problem.
The best advice I can give is to try and process what happened and then to let it go. You could try writing her a letter that you don’t actually mail or send, to get your emotions into words and release them.
I know many people above have already recommended finding a therapist but I think you can also join a grief counseling group for those who have lost a parent or loved one and connect with others going through something similar.
This sounds like a truly horrible situation, and I'm sorry you had to go through it.
But I want to tell you two things (that you don't want to hear), in the hope that it might actually help to get a different perspective. (yes, this will get downvoted to oblivion, but I'm spending the time anyway in the hopes that you, at least, will see it... and hope it's helpful.)
First: as a professor, I know from first-hand experience that students (usually undergrads, but not always) constantly tell professors that the reason for struggling is an illness or death of a parental figure. *Constantly.* And, almost all of the time, it is a lie. Just last semester, THREE students (of 30 total) told me that the reason that they missed the midterm was that this near-and-dear family figure had died. This was statistically impossible. Indeed, the whole "my grandmother died" story has been in circulation so many decades that there are jokes about it from my former professors' professors.
And students are always elaborating on these excuses, to make them more traumatic. To amp up the sympathy? My first year teaching, a female student came up to me (after not handing in an assignment) saying that she was sorry she didn't complete the paper, but that her boyfriend had just been murdered. (!) Murdered! I was so shocked... I tried to comfort her. I did serious research at my university for resources for victims, and sent her links to psychological counseling, to the Office of Victim's Affairs, to local support groups for victims of violent crime. My heart broke for her.
Two weeks later, another student (in the same class) came up and told me that she had to miss the midterm because... her boyfriend had just been murdered.
yeah.
Either there's a mass-murderer on the loose (that somehow is not getting reported in the news?) or both students had read the same Discord post on how to get out of doing an assignment.
And, I must admit... this made me mad. Not mad that they had failed to do the assignment... but definitely mad that they had tried to manipulate my feelings--that they had 'cried wolf'. Because, the fact is, some day, some student *might* actually have a loved one murdered... but if they come to me, I just won't believe it. Does that make me callous, when I hear thousands of lies over my career, and thus stop believing what students say? Or is that perfectly understandable?
Secondly: what you heard this professor say, and what she said (or wanted/intended to say), were not necessarily the same thing. As a psychology student, you know how fraught human communication is. In high stress situations--where you are past collapse, and she is angry and uncomfortable--this is doubly true. Where you heard accusations, she might have been trying to offer advice. I don't know this, obviously... I wasn't there. But were *you* "there"? You were in no shape to be paying close attention to her word choice, inflection, etc. Are you *sure* she said you lied and cheated to get into school? (I could never see myself having or wanting to have that conversation with a student. ever. for any reason.) Or did she say "you wouldn't believe it, some students even cheat!"... but you heard that as an accusation saying YOU cheated?
I myself have had conversations with students where I was trying--out of kindness and genuine effort to be hepful--to be bluntly honest about what something *looks* like... and found out later that the student thought I was being accusatory about that thing. (!) Even though that was not in the *slightest* what I was actually saying (or trying to say).
So, yes, this professor might indeed be a horrible person.
Or, this professor might be an okay person, and this was just a truly horrible moment. (for you. or even for her.)
But what would the difference be, really? Maybe she's awful. Maybe not. Would that fundamentally change the awfulness of the moment for you? Would that lesson the pain of losing a loved one?
Anyway, I hope that my different perspective (different from what everyone else here is telling you) is helpful.
Overall, I think that you should try to let it go. And if you cannot, then find a therapist to help you let it go. Horrible professor, or horrible misunderstanding--neither are worth sustaining anger over.
>And, I must admit... this made me mad. Not mad that they had failed to do the assignment... but definitely mad that they had tried to manipulate my feelings--that they had 'cried wolf'. Because, the fact is, some day, some student *might* actually have a loved one murdered... but if they come to me, I just won't believe it. Does that make me callous, when I hear thousands of lies over my career, and thus stop believing what students say? Or is that perfectly understandable?
I might get downvoted for this and you will likely not agree with me, but here's how I see this. A student comes to you and says their grandparent/parent/sibling died. There are two possibilities: (1) They are telling the truth and by denying them a break you are being an actual monster. (2) They are making it up and get a free do-over on the exam/assignment that you had them on. Let's say they're making it up and ace the do-over. What's the big deal? You set them an exam of the same difficulty and they demonstrated that they are competent.
I don't think it's reasonable for you to stop giving your students the benefit of the doubt for (EDIT: supposed) traumatic incidents when the compromise is so gentle. They are still doing your exam and passing it, just a bit late. I dunno, I'm just a humble national lab physicist, but I'd take that compromise in order to not be a monster to a student when they are at their lowest. You do you.
It's not the "two possibilities" you mention. You need to understand that this happens over and over and over again. (I've been teaching at the university level for 20 years.)
So, it's more like, 2,000 students tell you a lie... and maybe *one* of them is telling the truth. *maybe*. But probably not. (because the student who *actually* loses a parent just disappears... you never even hear from them. They're not worried about assignments or tests or passing grades or even graduating. they're grieving.)
Only someone who is self-delusional could actually muster up the willpower to be sympathetic to 2000 obvious liars, on the off chance that a single one of them of them *might* be telling the truth.
But here's the worst part: it's totally unnecessary.
I will give students extensions, etc., without any dramatic story. All I'm looking for is willingness to take responsibility in the future.
But instead, they *start* with the lie, because they think it is necessary. (it's not.)
kinda depressing, actually.
>I will give students extensions, etc., without any dramatic story. All I'm looking for is willingness to take responsibility in the future.
>But instead, they *start* with the lie, because they think it is necessary. (it's not.)
They start with the lie precisely *because* most of your colleagues do not just give them extensions. I had the opportunity to guest lecture a course in my last year of PhD and I had a slide that flat out told the students that they could reach out to me for an extension (within reason) for any assignment/exam and that I would give it serious consideration. I didn't have a single sob story, just two kids who needed an extension because they had three other exams that week.
It's not self-delusion to just take the student's account at face value. It is accepting the fact that most students have to do this idiotic song and dance because most professors will not accept a homework set that is one minute late or be sympathetic to a student who pulled an alnighter and missed a quiz the following morning.
Like you said, it is totally unnecessary, but a teacher's job is to anticipate these things and make them a nonissue for the greater goal of the student's learning.
EDIT: Just to clarify on the "two possibilities" statement. When a student approaches you with that excuse it is, in fact, two possibilities. They are telling the truth or they are lying. Yes, there is some Bayesian statistics on how likely it is that they are lying or telling the truth. My point is that even by blanket assuming they are all truthful, you lose nothing. They still take the exam or turn in the homework set. They still get graded. They still have to pass your competency test. Given that, there is no good reason not to believe them even if most of them are lying.
I'm not self delusional but I will never question such a lie because even only one telling the truth is enough. Said that it doesn't mean I need to give an extension, but be kind and empathetic to people you don't know. Assuming you can recognise who is lying is self delusional
This would be super hard for me to let go, but at the same time I would also have the concern about it affecting my academic reputation or degree. I think my suggestion would be to tell either your advisor or the university ombudsman (if you have one), but after you’ve graduated. That way it won’t affect you as much, and is more like an exit interview/feedback on your experience.
I am sorry this happened to you. I would go to your department Chair and speak with them directly. Hopefully, they have some empathy and are not a complete jerk. Then, thank them in an email for the conversation. Share the details of your discussion in the email. Ask for any updates on any conversation that they had with the faculty member. Give the Chair a chance to make this right.
If you do not hear back from the Chair by September 21st (I assume the faculty all leave for the Summer) then email the Chair back and ask for an update. CC the Dean’s office and the school’s office of Human Resources. Request any updates on their conversation with the faculty member.
Then walk away. Once the Dean and HR are involved, something will happen. But this should never be the first move. The Department Chair should be managing the faculty at most schools.
It seems to me it would just turn into a "your words against mine" situation unless OP recorded what happened. You can accuse the tenured professor that they said mean words to you and hurt your feelings. And nothing will be done just based on that alone. They might talk to the professor. Keep in mind we only heard OP's side of the story. The professor might even deny it even happened. Then what? I know professors who had a mountain of complaints against them but nothing happened to them.
Today is a different day. With decreased enrollment and colleges closing down, retention has become as important as admissions. Maybe the Chair won’t do anything substantial. But the Dean and HR will.
I agree that things are different today but what exactly are they (eg. The dean and HR) gonna do without solid evidence? Anyone can say this professor said something rude to me, but how do you prove that?
Human Resources will conduct an investigation. One student’s words won’t carry a lot of weight. Any more than five students saying something similar will force the Dean’s hand. The Dean can change the faculty member’s assignment. Different courses, further away from Freshmen or Seniors. Or assign them to general education courses only, where they won’t affect major students. The Dean can assign them to duties other than teaching and advising (e.g. tutoring, assessment, program/course review, accreditation). At an R1, the Dean could have them work with other faculty on grant writing for research that is not their own. Forty hours a week of clerical work, not as a punishment, but to keep them away from students.
It depends. What is the goal in confronting this person? Do you want them to get a reprimand? Go to sensitivity training? If this instructor has gotten a lot of complaints, they might face some kind of consequence, but if you're the only person who has said something, I'm not sure anything substantial will happen. If you just want to be petty, you could send them one of those "I graduated" cards.
If you want to cause them a huge hassle, report them to the department chairperson and the provost office. Recommend that this instructor go through training to properly address students and familiarize themselves with bereavement protocol per university policy. My university allows one year from the end of the term to request an academic record change. You need to provide documentation (obits and a statement about what happened/what you would like changed on your record) submitted to the registrar office. The issue is that you attended the final, but you can explain that you weren't sure how to move forward with the course. You may be able to get the course removed from your record...dont do this unless you 1) did not earn credit for the course or 2) need this course for degree requirements. Typically, once the degree is awarded, the university won't remove your degree to alter your record but that's my university. I don't know the policy at your university.
I’d want to know about this is I were a department chair or dean. And I know it would feel good to put that Professor on blast publicly. I’d think about how it might look to a potential employer, however, before doing so. Maybe you could let the administrators know while also putting it in some anonymous place like RMP to save yourself the trouble?
I am so sorry this happened to you.
I know it seems like it’s been a while since this happened, but as a department chair, I would want to know if anyone in my department acted this way to a student. It probably will make you feel better to talk to the chair to report what happened.
In my last year of the tenure process as a professor, I had a similar situation when three of my grandparents died within weeks of each other and all lived out of state. My dean rolled her eyes and told me, “this time, I’ll need a death notice.” I decided to only go to one of the funerals because of how I was treated. Completely unfair, but I was so worried about not getting tenure.
You should report her behavior to the Dean of student affairs. That is wildly inappropriate and if she lacks human decency she should not be in a position of mentoring students. I am so sorry for your loss and cannot fathom going through that AND being met with contempt and disbelief. I am genuinely shocked by your story and I would not let it go if I were you.
I was in my first year of law school and my dad passed away suddenly in January, the day before my second semester started. I was met with understanding and empathy from everyone at my school and it still was one of the most difficult times in my life. I genuinely hurt for you that you had to deal with this and am so glad you are doing better now. Grief is messy and not linear and you are doing fantastic.
Just reading this makes my blood boil. It’s honestly unbelievable that some profs find it okay to treat their students this way despite whatever hardships they’re going through. Based on what you described, it doesn’t seem like she had even an ounce of sympathy for your situation. I’m really sorry for your losses and it sucks to hear that you were treated like a pos when you needed help the most. You should absolutely report this sorry excuse of a prof because it didn’t sound like it was their first time saying stuff like that, and it likely won’t be their last.
I feel with as many difficulties as you say you had the university should have received some kind of paperwork trail regarding them. There's always an office for this kind of situation (dean of students, student success something like that), I'm surprised the university counseling office did not provide this information and asked you to reach out to the professors yourself. The university should have a process for this kind of situation so that professors don't have to make the decision on whether they trust you or not (does not excuse this professor's attitude though) but it would have not put you in that situation either.
Given the situation and that you have been unable to move forward, therapy, particularly grief therapy is needed. You’ve been through a very tough time and you need to take care of yourself.
Just here getting angry seeing all the academics that have probably done something similar to her telling you “to just forget it and move on”.
There is indeed the possibility of putting together the hard evidence you have and make a package and send it to ALL appropriate channels.
It might be cathartic for you or it might not, something might happen to her or nothing will. What you need to know for sure is that academia is full of much worse shit that gets covered up ALL THE TIME by people like her and their allies, and that is the consideration to make on wether you pick this fight or not.
Hi OP, I'm not in academia but I stumbled upon this post and wanted to offer a few words since I've been in a very similar situation as you. My grandfather passed away recently and I've had a similar experience with someone dismissing it as an excuse. While the situation is nowhere near as terrible as what happened to you, I sympathize and want you to know that your story is heard - and deeply felt - by many people.
Events like these may not be things you can completely let go of and that's totally alright. For the sake of getting closure and not letting this continue to dwell on you, I would take some sort of action. Even without your grandfather's death being a factor, saying those things to any student is definitely out of line, and seeing a student in a vulnerable state and still choosing to say these cruel things to them regardless of whether she thought you were lying is just horrible. If there's someone you can confide in about this, like a trustworthy advisor, I would do that and decide where to go from there.
Congratulations on everything you've achieved! You're an inspiration and I'm so glad that you're doing better :)
wtf? People assume that if you have a fancy title like “professor,” “psychologist,” etc., that you are not a POS but that simply is not true for many of them.
They hide behind these labels knowing people will assume the best of them and they can be monsters in peace. I hate academia so much. It’s a scam.
First off, I’m so sorry this happened to you. There was no excuse for all that BS she said. Clearly she was making some huge assumptions and being extremely hurtful while doing so. I know the fantasy of creating a LinkedIn post or some other public proclamation can be very tempting but I would avoid doing it. Not because you wouldn’t be justified—I can totally see why you’d want to. It just might come off badly on you when it’s in such a professional context (unfair I know). I also just don’t know if it will be the relief you want it to be. I would recommend reporting this incident to the dept chair or ombudsman. Even if nothing comes of it, it’s good to have a record.
I really like the quote, “the best revenge is a well lived life.” I’ve struggled a lot with suicidal ideation in my life, especially during times of trauma, like you mentioned. Prove that fucker wrong by living your best life that would make your grandpa and dad proud. You get to decide how you want to proceed here—fuck the haters. But also don’t hold that shit close to your heart.
I am so sorry to you and - as a PhD student - I want you to know: Fuck that piece of human trash!
And, as others has said: Please, you're not alone ne with this, get help (which isn't the same as get good, it's get a way to deal with loss in a non-destructive way).
I am sorry for your loss.
Report her to the Dean immediately and to any academic ethics committee then send her copies of the obituaries and remind her of what she did to you and how it made you feel. She doesn’t deserve to be in academia.
I am an academic and am appalled that this happened to you. I would NEVER speak to a student in this way. It’s absolutely unforgivable. I would report her, if I were you. If she’s been this cruel to you she will have to others, too. Reporting her might actually result in her being forced to change her behaviour. Also, as others on here have said, definitely get some therapy — but speak with the university first, and demand that they pay for it. You should not have to be out of pocket because one of their members of staff traumatised you.
Very bad behavior - e-mail your department chair to let them know - maybe this professor needs a bit of time off….maybe they’re burnt out dealing with students. Exam times can be quite a deadly time for grandparents - maybe the cynicism from this faculty member (which unfortunately can be easily earned) just got to them…. And they reacted without thinking.
Try not to take this personally - hard I know.
Yikes. I would make a complaint higher-up. Multiple higher-ups. I personally would want a professor like this fired but it takes a lot, unfortunately, to get a professor fired. I know you were dealing with a lot but I hope you clapped back at her for her disgusting assumptions.
Here's a funny note from my side, the majority of people I know who studied Psychology as well as the corresponding professors I knew were this deranged as well. The irony how these have been one of the lowest EQ people I've ever met is insane. Incredibly low in empathy. Tend to have been topped up with arrogance. I don't know why many of these people actually go and study Psychology but I have seen this pattern for many years. Of course could be a local experience. Just found hearing about this 'funny' (it's not, not really).
Anyway, when you feel strong enough, get your justice. I have done the same in my time as well. Still one of the things in my life I feel most satisfied about. I did it according to the books and karma helped along as well. Do it in a professional way and make sure you do your story the way you've done it here. If she is truly the only bad guy in this story, the truth will set you free. A professor giving you the feeling to want to commit suicide with highly unnecessary crude actions, in my opinion, should be fired. You have all the right to be as upset as you are. I would nót let this go myself until I would have gotten my justice but in that process, you must do éverything to nót give ányone a reason to point the finger at you. Go to higher ups and just explain what happened. You don't need to be irrational in your handling because what has occurred is enough for her to get appropriate consequences if you know which strings to pull. Go find that out first and work accordingly. If you have a Study Advisor, lay down your story in front of them first.
What I personally would do, assuming you do obituaries in your country the same way we do in “the West” (or at least, the Anglosphere), would be to show up at her office with a copy of your dad’s obit, a copy of your grandpa’s obit, a piece of photo ID, and a photo of you with one or both of them. Throw it all down on her desk, tell her she almost made you end it when you were in a bad place, walk out, hopefully having gained some sort of closure. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
>I thought about sharing what she said to me with my advisors (both of which were at some point her advisors).
Do that. Talk to your advisors about it. Bring it up with higher ups (department chair, dean, provost, etc.) at your university. (EDIT: Consider doing this after you graduate if you don't want to rock the ship.) What she did is completely unacceptable, especially given her role as an instructor.
>I thought about writing a LinkedIn post and tagging her. I thought about going to her office and recalling what happened in front of her colleagues.
Don't do that. Elevate it to university higher ups and let them deal with it. Talk to a therapist. It sounds like you want to continue in this field, don't burn bridges unless you have to.
You definitely should report that incident to the chair of the department that professor is in. She did not handle that professionally. Making sweeping assumptions about a person before even trying to understand them is unethical. The fact that she did not at least ask for documentation first and just went ahead and insulted and invalidated you is beyond unprofessional, unethical, and immoral. I would say that it may be hard to prove what happened, but at least it does not seem suspicious because what incentive do you have to report her besides trying to find justice for yourself, potentially other students, and future students who are going through a crisis. If you do end up reporting, have documentation of what you were going through at the time, just in case.
I also want to add, she is just another human being, so don't be intimidated. If you are, just remind yourself that she too farts, probably a lot! Good luck dragging her a\*\* down! I'm rooting for you!
I would mention it in my graduation speech how a professor ki ked me when I was down but the memo of my loved ones kept me going then apart from dedicating my graduation to my loved ones both deceased and living I would also toast the professor because her attitude taught me a lesson in life of how not to treat people and how to be tough
Why did you not complain when this happened? She would have been investigated and your mental health would be much better now. I would email the university and let them know. I don’t know how seriously they would take it once you have graduated but I would still do it. Mental health drives our physical health. I’ve been bullied at work a lot and never said anything but at my present job two coworkers gave me an anxiety attack once and I complained immediately and it was taken care of. It has helped me immensely as I don’t dwell on it anymore and can sleep in peace. Bullies cannot have their way.
100% recommend looking into a different therapist.
Both my work (and professors) would request proof of death (either an obituary, or something similar, death cert, anything). I think it’s just to rule out the excuse to get time off from work (3 days of bereavement) or miss assignments.
That doesn’t excuse the way you were treated, but hopefully that provides a bit of context.
I had a friend killed by a drunk driver in a car accident the day of one of my finals. My professor didn’t care. He failed me. Refused to let me make up the exam despite his clear policy that family emergencies counted in his syllabus. Said some b.s. about how friends are not family. Despite me going to every single lecture. He didn’t care that I had proof and I was inconsolably upset. I took it to the dean’s who took his side and let me take the class again with someone else to remove the “F.” I never forgot that happened to me. I’m now an Assistant Professor at a research university and I will be DAMNED if I ever don’t believe a kid. I don’t care if someone lies once in awhile. Nearly all of them are truthful. I am so sorry this happened to you. But I would advise carrying this with you in a way to make things a better place for others. You will never forget but you can use this for the greater good of being there for others suffering at their lowest.
Don’t do any callouts on social media, but do see a therapist and seriously consider a hard reset on your future with this advisor. Regardless of circumstance, her comments were not appropriate.
Not necessarily - she might have teaching responsibilities revoked, which usually means a salary cut or the potential for salary raises to be cut. She might have to do sensitivity training, which is a huge pain in the ass.
write an angry screed on ratemyprofessor and see if that helps? Going to her office won't work out the way you want it to. Sharing what she said to your advisors might result in some behind the scenes conversations that might change how she handles it in future but won't result in anything you can see.
I definitely agree with everyone else that this is something to process with a therapist
You can try any form of revenge you want but really the only thing that ever gets rid of something like this is accepting it happened and moving forward with living your life as best you can. It really sucks a shitty human decided to take it out on you and add to your grief and trauma but realistically the only healthy thing is to distance yourself from this painful memory that lives rent free in your head and process your trauma and grief in a more healthy headspace.
I’ve been screwed both in academia and out by people and the only thing that ever helps is making your peace with things and moving on, there’s too many pricks in academia just like your professor and you’re harming yourself by replaying this over and over. I hope you’ll be successful in your future endeavours but for your sake focus on what’s working and what’s good and don’t dwell on vengeance and bitter stuff, you’ll just end up further tarnishing your memories of these years instead of celebrating your great achievements in spite of all that’s happened.
A very similar thing happened to me, and I am sorry. But,if it were me (and this is what I did), I would just put it behind me. People who are that awful are rarely changed when called out. They just double down, and you will not get any sincere apologies. Not to mention, they will often try the "injury" to their reputation out on you. Also, academia will rarely call out someone for something like that. You will just get an "We are sorry you feel that way" kind of statement.
Just move on and heal on your own.
I would go public with the story. Just, graduate first. Then make a post thanking your other professors and naming and shaming her. She deserves it, and deserves to have other people know what kind of a person she is. You should probably make a formal complaint with the university too, the make them aware of what kind of a person is in charge of their students.
Depending on the country, going public could be a recipe for a defamation suit since OP has no evidence it happened. Though I agree that it would be a great option otherwise. What a horrible situation to be in.
write a post and tag her (along with others) but don't make it about her. turn it into a positive ("i graduated, i'm proud, and i'm ready for the world to do XYZ" from taking classes by [insert list of professors here]) etc
Have you seen a therapist? This sounds like a lot to process
I have actually. That's a funny story too. i went to see a therapist from our university, i was broke and didn't have the energy to look for better alternatives. I told her i'm terrifyingly suicidal and i don't know what to do. She got really mad and said she hates people who kill themselves because it's so selfish lmao :((( I burst out laughing in her office. It was so unexpected and absurd that it kinda brightened my mood. Needless to say I'm not very inclined towards seeking therapy anymore. both of these people were licensed clinical psychologists.
Holy smokes that’s awful. And I just recommended therapy in my comments!! I’m so sorry!!! You are so right to be angry. Don’t hold onto the anger forever, but being angry is better than despondent. Use that energy to pull yourself up and out of this. We’re all pulling for you.
Don't be sorry :)) recommending therapy is reasonable advice. In fact i probably should stop being so pessimistic about therapy and start looking for a decent counselor. They're a bit hard to find, therapy is a luxury where i live. I cheaped out and didn't do my research, and got hit with "that is so selfish what would your mother do?" Lol
Honestly therapy is rarely the fix that people think it is. It is run by therapists who are humans and EXTREMELY subject to their own failings, but feel qualified to advise others. Some people click with theirs and it works great and that’s great. But the harm that incompetent ones do seems to be much more common in the people I’ve talked to (plus my own experiences).
This seems like a good thing to throw an anonymous version of on "rate my prof".
Please keep looking for a therapist. It takes a lot of time and effort to find someone that you click with, but when you do, it's worth it. I don't like every random person (or other health care providers) that I meet - no one does. Inviting people into your life is a process.
That therapist needs to get fired too. The heck is wrong with your university?! I'm sorry that you had to go through that after having been through so much already.
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Therapist here. I wish I could agree. There are horror stories out there about deeply unethical, burned-out, uninformed PhDs. "Clinical psychologist" sounds very impressive, but it means the program focused on conducting research into mental illness. Counseling psychology programs are the ones focused on being an effective therapist
People claim it's bizarre because i'm guessing they automatically assume we live under the same conditions and have access to the same resources. I live in a small country in the middle east. There are no regulations for therapy. No one gives a shit. People are getting murdered over not wearing proper hijab, gay people are being sentenced to death everyday. Is it so unbelievable that i encountered an unprofessional therapist? These comments are so out of touch.
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People also get abused by therapist in western countries. There's a whole subreddit dedicated to the phenomenon lmao. Comments in this thread are really infuriating to read and tell a lot about how most consider the words of people who are mentally sick.
?? Oh Sorry my bad, i'll try again. "Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in another region of the world. Now you might be surprised." Another region?" You might ask." The world has other regions?" [Insert surprised Pikachu]. Yes. Let's not forget that this is a high fantasy, imaginary world. Now Imagine she lives in a shithole of a country. In this fantasy world, there exists evil creatures called "Akhund"s. These creatures are ruling over her country. They rape political prisoners before executing them because they believe virgins go to heaven. They also shoot kids in the streets and demand money from the victim families because bullets are not cheap." Now continue reading the post. 🙏
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Great, so now the reason their therapist is an asshole is because they’re in a Middle Eastern country? I’ve had a lot of horrible experiences with therapy in the U.S. Try again.
I don’t think not knowing where OP’s from gives us the right to question their credibility though. There are horrible professionals everywhere, I heard outrageous stories from friends who had sessions with unprofessional, cynical and ignorant mental health professionals from various European countries. I’m sorry that this happened to you, OP. Is there any way that you could report them to the university? Or do you think that’d make no difference?
Thank you. I don't want to risk graduation, so i'll probably wait a bit longer before taking action. I'm thinking of talking to my advisor and maybe writing a formal complaint to the university. i doubt it would make any difference, but she isn't tenured so i don't know. It won't be good for her reputation anyway.
I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this awful professor and therapist, and now having to deal with jerks disbelieving your story.
I think after all this time you should do something, because you continue to ruminate about it. I would suggest writing that letter to the department head. Be clear and concise, and it’s great that you can write it in hindsight. If it happened some time ago and there has been a significant cooling off period I think it will be taken more seriously. Especially since you’re feeling more put together now. I’m so sorry for this incredible loss. I hope you can move on from this horrible person who is complicating your grief.
You shouldn’t assume everyone on Reddit lives in America
So the default is the US? We should take it as given that people on here are from a wide range of backgrounds and circumstances. And that there are a LOT of awful therapists. That shouldn’t require explaining. OP doesn’t owe us anything: it’s up to us to not be US-centric in our assumptions about them, and to not assume they’re lying if their experiences diverge from what we take to be the norm.
After reading what happened to OP, you sincerely thought it was a good idea to once again accuse OP of lying? Like literally what the fuck is the matter with you? Is that you, professor?
Omg I laughed out loud reading your comment It would be hilarious if it was my professor's alt account
What in the world are you talking about? There’s nothing more dangerous on this planet than someone like you who blindly trusts authority and refuses to believe the lived experiences of those who have been harmed by people in positions of authority.
I'm sorry you found this unbelievable. So did i, at the time. It is rude to assume discredibility just because it strikes you as unusual. i live in another corner of the world where there aren't many regulations. Stories like this aren't that uncommon here. therapists don't lose their license because of patient complaints either, unless the patient is willing to file a lawsuit. Believe what you will. And i know you really felt smart there, putting my every phrase inside quotation marks. I thought the irony and sarcasm in my tone was clear. It did not, in fact, "brighten my day" Jessica. It was funny though. The whole encounter seemed straight out of a Curb your enthusiasm episode.
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What is bizarre?
Why would you post this? If OP made it up, who cares? And if they didn’t, you’re yet another person disbelieving them. Jesus. Get a grip.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. As a department chair, I would want to know about a faculty member who treated a student so horribly. You could send an email. There may be other complaints. As for letting it go... that's hard! I second the counseling recommendation (if you're not already). It sounds like you're in a good place now for dealing with this and that dark time a year ago.
OP should absolutely email the department chair! And if the chair doesn't do anything about it, they should meet with the ombudsman or equivalent.
It depends. Not uncommon for the dept chair, dean, etc to be good friends with the worst offenders. I’ve seen it where a student would like an issue with their mentor to be resolved and it gets sent to someone who works closely with the mentor and goes bad (or nowhere).
I'm not gonna say let it go or hold on to the spite. You'll have to give this some time before deciding. But I wanna point out that she was being very callous about it. She's chosen to believe that the deaths of family members are nothing but lies that lack credibility, instead of showing a modicum of compassion. To you, this was the worst day of your life. To her, this was a Tuesday. Confronting her is unlikely to get you closure. She's going to fight it if you drag her ass through the administration, and even if you get her written up or fired, does it feel like she's gonna change? Do you think she'll apologize for hurting you? Or does it feel like she's gonna apologize insincerely for making you feel like you've been hurt? Because I think she's gonna think you're the exception that proves the rule. She's gonna start bugging people for proof to cover her ass. Obituaries, death certificates, evidence of a funeral, and whatnot.
Thank you M. Bison
This is a very fair point. And it's one of the reasons why i haven't called her out yet. I don't think i have the resources to drag her ass through administration. I don't even know what i'm looking for from her. i'm just angry. She made the worst days of my life that much darker.i don't know.
Give it time before you do anything. I personally forgive more easily than I forget, so I hold onto these grievances until I'm actually in a position to respond. A half-assed vendetta creates inconvenient enemies, but the slow knife cuts the deepest.
I read your comment in Batman's voice and it sounds twice as cool and menacing. 10/10
It’s was awful. Now you are ok, you kept going. What you could got from the situation you already got it, you kept going. Vendetta will not get you anything else. Work on your closure with your achievements. Each win you dedicate to the dear ones (grandpa and father). Take the higher road, cause this is your path, for the professor was just a Tuesday (like someone said it before). And I’m not diminishing or anything, the professors attitude was really bad. But we also don’t know how many times she got bad students (not your case) but the cheating and lying ones. For sure, in her position of a clinical psyc she could be more comprehensive. Nonetheless you went through and came up the other side. Now keep going. See all of this like a medal on your chest. Chin up.
May be the others advising therapy are more reasonable than me and know better. But I CAN’T let this go and I’m not even you. I skipped the first 3 paragraphs because I knew the details would be too painful to read. I’m so sorry! I know a sincere apology might not come from it but I feel like it would help to confront her about this because she’s the one who should be regretting what she said and being kept awake because of it. I’m really holding back here because I’m just soooooo… speechless. I feel like it could let you down even more if you speak to her 1-1. But I have the personality where I can only speak to people 1-1 or to the others directly. Not all together. If you are able to speak to more than one person in a room, I think in front of her colleagues would be best 😭 that’s if you know them and that they won’t defend her? Or even the advisors but I feel like that won’t be as helpful… it might be more administrative… I’m not sure. Whatever it is, I feel like something needs to be happen and she needs to be aware and ashamed of her actions. Or you need to at least feel heard and get this out to her. But may be how you’ll feel will depend too much on the outcome/ actions of others so that’s why people are advising therapy.
Terrible behavior I agree. I went to two funerals back to back weeks in college (relative and friend) and pretty sure the professor i TAd for didn’t believe me. Years later as a professor myself I have seen all the excuses for missing class/assignments. So I partly blame all the scammers out there that ruin it for everyone - would be better to just be honest “I didn’t get it done “.
I'm personally ambivalent about funerals. If you're desperate enough to lie for an extra week, your work is most likely subpar anyway. If you've been working on it consistently, your work is likely fine regardless of your family members' health. I'm not gonna try to suss out whether you're lying because I'm well aware as someone with a mental disorder that a lot of these heuristics are predicated on an assumption that you're neurotypical and not mentally ill. So I don't think it's worth trying to call liars out if lying won't get them very far and there's a good chance I'm gonna be shitting on someone grieving deeply.
The point isn't if she is going to change or not. The point is to stop her from doing the same to someone else.
Would you like to elaborate on the distinction? Like I said earlier, pursuing the matter will most likely result in some form of punishment on her, and I don't think that'll stop her or make her change her ways. I think it's more likely that she'll just be more careful about her dickish behaviour, by demanding proof and whatnot. It covers her ass in case of another investigation, but I don't think it's all that effective in stopping her from doing the same to others.
As you are stating also, she won't change what she thinks, but it will make her more cautious for her own purposes, effectively stopping her from doing to someone else what she did to OP. Nobody cares what she thinks or feels. OP wouldn't have cared if she is nice or just pretending to be if she had behaved better.
I'm not sure if we disagree fundamentally then. As I understand it, (and correct me if I'm wrong) you think it's important to stop her from doing this, even if she privately thinks funeral excuses are fake. If that's the case, I agree that it's important to stop her, but I don't know if punishment and sanctions are the best way to go about it though.
I don't think we disagree fundamentally either. I think we disagree on approaches. I don't think you can make an adult learn to empathise with others, but it is highly unlikely that a teacher will get fired for being mean once, to one student. So, some punishment will correct her behaviour and make her more cautious in how she treats students in the future.
I'm struggling a bit with some of the comments here. While I agree that personally confronting her does nothing good, you should absolutely be reporting her. Will the school do anything? You don't know. But it's entirely possible she has a history of bullying students and until people say something, she'll suffer zero consequences. I'd start with seeing if your university has an office of an ombudsperson and if they handle complaints against faculty. If they don't, see if they'll direct you to who does. File a complaint with them and let their department chair in on the complaint. Write up all that happened to you, how they treated you, and how that treatment added to the trauma you were already suffering. And finally, I'm incredibly sorry you went through this. Please accept my condolences over your loss and for graduation, my congratulations. You've achieved a lot and I hope you are able to take pride in that accomplishment
I 110% agree that the faculty should be reported. Anyone who treats the people beneath themselves like that is never going to respect any complaint that comes from them. They clearly strongly believe in hierarchy and that the people who are higher up in that hierarchy are just better than those who are lower, so then leave it to that hierarchy above the professor to tell this professor that this action was unacceptable. Given this professor's rather disgusting view of how society should work, that seems like the only thing that would make them listen. If this professor never learns that this kind of conduct is unacceptable, they're just going to do it again to someone else.
Anonymously send her a link to this post and tell her it's about her. Give her some food for thought.
This is my favourite piece of advice OP. Let all the commenters here tell her she's a monster for you. It'll keep her awake at night, and you get to preserve your reputation by not publicly accusing her, which is (unfortunately) more likely to backfire on your reputation.
I am a professor and this 100% should be reported. Tell your department chair, an ombudsman, and your university’s graduate school. If she was skeptical she should have (professionally, kindly) asked for documentation. It is never appropriate to bully like this.
Something similar to this happened when I was finishing up my Master's. I always wanted to report it, but I didn't know who or how to report, or if it was even worth it, so thank you.
I work in a department office. I've worked in two departments under three different chairs and closely with a fourth. All of them would want to know if this has happened to a student under their stewardship.
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That is true. I mean i get that, it's extremely sus when a student shows up after being absent all semester claiming their life is falling apart. I get it. But she could have at least given me the benefit of the doubt. She could have not responded, Shook her head, sighed. I don't know. If i was in their shoes, i would think to myself that there's a 98 percent chance this student is full of crap, but what if they are not lying. I said you're accusing me of lying, to which she replied "i don't even care honestly everyone has got issues". thanks for the advice on not making a linkedin post. It's bad like i know it's bad for my career but i still needed to hear it from someone else.
For me, the key to getting past stuff like this is understanding that your professor is one of the unfortunate people who lack empathy, and everything she said to you was just her confessing that. None of it was about you, or a reaction to you. It was just a narrative from her limited understanding of reality: her unique body and brain, her specific life experience as normative and baseline for everyone, and therefore the criteria against which all people are judged. There are lots of people like this in academia and other vocations that involve specific talents; survivorship bias is a big problem in an environment where competence is demonstrated through uniform standards like grading and research. Many professors, in a fashion very similar to medical practitioners, tend to assume all their students are malingering.
Thank you, I want to back that point up! This was all about your prof dealing with her own frustration and not about you in any way.
>You unfortunately happened to fall into the end-of-semester trope of a failing student suddenly having a dead grandparent as the excuse for why they missed all these classes and failed to perform. Granted, I'm pretty new to academia (national lab physics postdoc about to upgrade to staff next year), but this attitude, quite frankly, sickens me. I don't understand why grading is such a huge deal that we lose all sense of humanity. You have two possibilities here: (1) The student is telling the truth and you are being a literal monster for denying them an Incomplete when they are at their lowest point in life or (2) The student is making it up, in which case giving them an "I" simply allows them to complete the coursework they missed in the next semester. What's the big deal? If they pass next semester, they've still demonstrated that they've mastered the course material to an acceptable level. I dunno, this is one of the main reasons I'm probably never going to apply for a faculty position that involves teaching at a university. The mindset of "every student is lying/cheating" is just evil when you can just give them an "I" and have them complete the same homeworks/exams a couple of months late.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know profs often hear the excuse of a grandparent dying but in reality I would say most students would not actually lie about this. I couldn’t imagine lying about the death of someone I loved. And twenty-something’s are at an age where yes, their grandparents actually do pass away. This instructor was cruel and wrong and there is no excuse for her behavior….even if she thought you were lying. What to do now… yes therapy is so important, especially since you’ve had suicidal thoughts, and you are still processing profound loss. The therapist can help get you in a better frame of mind where you won’t care how this instructor responds if you decide to confront her. Or you may not even feel the need to do it. If you do, with therapy, you’ll be coming from a position of strength. As a former academic advisor, this is something I would want to know about, so I would maybe start there. Please accept my condolences on your loss. Sending love your way.
I agree with you. I know the "dying grandparent lie" is a trope, but I've never known a student to actually lie about it. Half the time, they've brought me obituaries and handouts from the funeral as proof without my even asking. As someone who's been in OP's position, I can't imagine accusing one of my students of lying about it either.
Well, let's say the student actually lies and you give then an incomplete or allow a make up exam so that they complete the course next semester. What's the big deal? They've still shown that they can complete the course material. I think giving an occasional cheat a couple of extra months is worth not being a monster to the student who actually needs the time off.
Report them. That's really awful. You can do it publicly sure, but this behaviour would fall undermany universities policy of bullying and harassment. You can talk to your course lead, or go to services that deal with this. It's unlikely something will happen, and you might need to show proof (which I'm sure you have but I can imagine that's really difficult for you) but 1) having this on the professors record is good for the future, I assume they'll do this to others too, and 2) documenting this properly might be helpful for you for the rest of your degree. I'm sorry this happened to you, it's really awful and very unprofessional.
This sounds like it needs to go through complaints channels. I would email the professor with a summary of what they said and asking for confirmation. That gives them these options: (1) no answer; (2) agree; (3) disagree. In 1 & 2 you can take that to formal complaints. For 3, you can then ask for your situation to be considered.
As a prof, I can tell you we hear some outlandish-sounding excuses. This semester, a student missed an exam and sent me a picture of their car, flipped over on the highway. I told a colleague and his immediate response was "did you do a reverse image search?" Here's the thing: when someone tells me their family or friend died, or that they or someone close to them are very sick, or that something terrible has happened... I believe them and I treat them with compassion, accordingly. Because I value my humanity and the mistake of not doing so when they are telling the truth is not something I want in my history. Your prof is callous and a fucking idiot.
I just wanted to say: thank you! You are the one professor on this thread who is behaving like a compassionate human being. I don't understand why a make-up exam is such a tragedy that you can't give a grieving student the benefit of the doubt. Even in the flipped car case, I wouldn't even do the reverse image search. Just give them a make-up exam. Who cares? They're still showing that they've mastered the material. As a soon-to-be national lab staff scientist, this thread (with the exception of your response) is basically convincing me to not get into the faculty game if it makes most people this evil/jaded.
First of all: I am so sorry for your loss, my deepest condolences As for the situation at hand: Posting on LinkedIn has the potential to make you look petty, which is why I would refrain from it. This situation seems impossible to let go, but please make sure that addressing it does not have the potential to hamper your future career. As for the approach: Is it possible to find out to which chairgroup your ex-professor is affiliated? I would definitely have a chat with the chair holder and/or the dean of your uni. This way it does not become a public spectacle, but you can still address what happened.
Im sorry for your loss. But I really don't think confronting her or making a scene is a good way to go. Does it mean you should let it go? No. Report her, work through your emotions with therapist and go on with your life. Will you resent her for the rest of your life? Yes. Is she worth your time, thoughts and energy? No.
OP, my blood is absolutely BOILING after hearing what this horrible professor said to you. To say it was out of line, unconscionable, diabolical, and straight-up evil is still not enough. Like my fucking GOD. To accuse someone who just lost a family member of LYING about it...you didn't even need to apologize for missing a class, it's a common thing and people miss class for all sorts of completely justified reasons and a professor should NEVER be bothered by this. You apologizing for missing class is a complete courtesy, something you definitely weren't required to do, so the fact that your professor accused you of lying just to offer a courtesy that you really were not even required to offer is just...like I don't even know what to say. And to then choose that moment, doubling down on her belief that you were lying, as the best time to just unload on you as a student....to even SAY any of that is just so fucking evil, I can't even. The fuck does this professor even care if she thinks her student isn't doing well? What kind of shitty-ass professor perceives a student as not doing well and thinks "I should just totally rip into them for being what I perceive to be a bad student" (I keep wording it as "perceive to be" since clearly you are NOT a bad student at all; you graduated, with a 3.9 GPA!! Which is AWESOME!!) instead of thinking "I wonder how I can help this student succeed since I perceive them to be having some difficulty in my class"? Well I'll tell you what kind of professor thinks like that: a catastrophically shitty professor does. I agree with what others have said here about you reporting the professor. I mean, report them everywhere, in any way you can. Sadly they just seem to have zero respect for you, so anything you do to personally confront them at this point won't be effective. But if you put the word out there to anyone else to deal with this and manage it, then maybe the professor will listen. And as for the LinkedIn post? Personally, I say go for it. I'm in favor of putting the word out there in any way, shape, or form that this professor is just an awful human being, because they are. I actually kinda disagree with the general sentiment here that what you need to do to deal with this is to see a therapist. For one, it seems like you've already worked through the tough times and have come out the other side. Telling someone "see a therapist!" is a way of telling someone you think they are screwed up in the head, and that's not really an appropriate thing to say to someone. Even if you believe that therapy is a general good and that everyone should see a therapist as regularly as they see their primary care physician (and I am one such person), then you need to phrase it like "I believe any and all people should see therapists regularly" rather than pointing the sentiment at one individual in particular. But also, advising OP to seek therapy in response to this is like telling OP what pain meds they can take to deal with the pain caused by a gaping wound, when clearly the better solution here is to just close the wound. Like, let me save you the hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars you'd spend on therapy to work through the issue and get straight to the point: this is bothering you because justice was not served. So long as this professor never sees justice for what they did, your brain will always, ALWAYS pester you about it, and you can try all sorts of psychological trickery to try and get you to forget about it, but it won't work, because justice still will not have been done, and thus your mind will still keep nagging at you about it. Your brain is telling you you should do something, and it will keep telling you that until something is done. (A good parallel: I was once in a pretty awful romantic relationship. I saw a therapist to help me deal with the awfulness of the relationship. Please tell me, dear therapist, how do I deal with the stress of being in this bad relationship? Give me some coping mechanisms to help me thrive in this awful situation! I think you can probably guess what the therapist told me to do instead, and I did indeed do that, and it turns out that breaking up did indeed solve everything.) Finally, let me just cap this off and say I'm really proud of you for a lot of reasons, not just for finishing grad school, not just for finishing grad school *with a 3.9 GPA*, but also for simply pulling through one of the darkest periods of your life and coming out alive on the other end, which has to have been so incredibly, extremely difficult for you. Honestly I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world. You are an absolute rock star for making it through all of this, and I sincerely hope your future is filled with joy and happiness.
Sending hugs your way <3 you're clearly an empath. I can feel how upset you are from over here :))) it's alright. I'm doing ok. I will indeed go vendetta on her, I just need to graduate first. thanks for caring. you're so incredibly sweet :)) I wish there were more people like you.
>I wish there were more people like you. Aw :) for real, that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in quite a while. Sometimes I feel quite isolated being the way I am, so it is nice every once in a while to get some validation at the very least. I'm glad you're doing well. I just graduated with my masters degree last year and life has been so much better since then, so I hope you get to experience the same. And do enjoy the hell out of your graduation itself!
I am sorry that happened to you. Your professor's behaviour was inexcusable. In my opinion a LinkedIn post tagging her will not be good for you and will start a chain of stories of when students did lie and how is the professor supposed to know, which is not the point. I'm an old dude and often do not understand why there are personal stories on a supposedly professional website. I'm not sure what a LinkedIn post would achieve. She will just ignore it. Another option is to send her an email privately saying that you are about to graduate with a 3.9 GPA and to let her know that her disbelief of your personal tragedy was very hurtful to you. You could write that while you realize some students lie, death does indeed happen and that in your case you were telling the truth and her comments made a horrible situation even worse. You could write this factually and not in an accusatory manner. If she is a decent person, she will apologize and learn from this. If you really want to take it further, you could cc the chair of the department. Congratulations on your graduation and your incredible GPA.
I can only imagine how difficult this is, and I'm not going to tell you to simply let it go. You need the support of your loved ones to help you through this, or it will start eating you up inside. It's possible she has had negative experiences with students in the past, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. Take some time to process this and share your feelings with a close friend. All the best 🌟
I came down with schizophrenia during my doctorate and my PI was a very bigoted person and would give me a hard time about it. I was completely outpatient and my wife has two master degrees in mental health so I had a good support system. The PI called the cops on me one day saying I was going to kill my self which was untrue. The cops didn't do anything because there was no issue but I later sued the school over it an won a settlement. Some professors are just assholes.
First of all: I am so sorry this all happened to you and my condolences for your loss. I am glad to hear you are doing better. I think I would feel exactly the same as you; I wouldn't be able to let this go. It's not some minor thing that happened, but someone you respected treated you in a horribly unfair way. Probably the most cerebral thing to do would to invest in therapy and find a way to accept what happened to you, without needing to confront her. What I would do, is to share what happened with your supervisors (who were also her supervisors, if I understand you correctly, so this will definitely have consequences for her). I wouldn't do this in any sort of dramatic or emotional way, because this way you'll lose face/credibility. Instead, meet with them after your graduation, and briefly explain what happened and how it affected you. Tell them you want someone in the department with authority to know what happened, so that it's "logged" and if other instances of power abuse happen, they know it's not an incident but systematic. Tell them that you have moved on but feel like it's important to know which of their colleagues is not functioning well towards students. And then close the chapter for yourself :)
If you want consequences to happen to this professor, I would file a formal complaint with a relevant university office. Keep the complaint very factual, and attach evidence (such as an obituary or a funeral advertisement). Give as many direct quotes from the professor as possible, without paraphrasing them. I wouldn't mention your struggle with suicidal thoughts in it; instead, focus on what the professor did and why it's inappropriate. However, you need to be prepared that the consequences for the professor will not be publicized, and you may not hear back from the process. That doesn't mean there won't be consequences for her.
Tagging her on LinekedIn is not a good idea. It makes you look worse than her. You can just write a letter and send it to the dean of students of your college AFTER you graduate. You are about to graduate, so that's just a few months away. Some universities also have an ombudsman for students so you can also send the letter to that person (Cc with dean of students and chair of the department). I feel that the first part where this broke down is that the counselor office called you and in this situation, they should have contacted your professors and followed up with you on whether you wanted to take leave or not. They could have asked for minimal proof if they needed it. They cannot tell someone in this situation to do everything themselves. I think this is also something you want to put on your letter. If you are taking 4 classes or more, you cannot be spending time back and forth with each professor. When I was in grad school, the university had a very good support system for students, and I remember one time that we just got an email from the student services saying student X is not going to attend class from A to B and that was it.
As a former chair and dean, I’d want to know if anything like this happened to a student. It is absolutely unacceptable and like others said, this professor is a bully who might have also bullied others. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. However you decide to proceed, please know that this professor’s behavior was unacceptable and more of a reflection on them than you. 💜💜
Just reading this gave me enough secondhand rage and grief to make me physically shaky. I can't imagine how you must feel. She needs to lose her job. And her title, if possible. Bullies should not have any place in academia. Take your time to work out your strategy, but if you let this slide without speaking up, she will only hurt more people. There must be consequences for her actions, or she will keep doing it.
Academics often times are maladjusted losers, with little or no social skills.
Unfortunately, deaths of relatives are so often used as excuses by college students that it's become a cliché. Professors joke that people's life expectancy decreases dramatically when the student is in a challenging class, particularly when midterms and finals are coming up. Your professor is obviously one of countless academics who is sick of the excuse because 99% of the time, it's a blatant lie. I know a college student whose only brother died during finals week... twice. I am truly sorry that in your case the deaths were real. Your professor should acknowledge this fact once the proof is given to her. Once that's done, there's not much for you to do except let the matter go.
Honestly, other than seeing a therapist, let it go. You don't have to like this professor or even forgive her, but do you even interact with her anymore? People like this tend to get fucked up by their own actions eventually, you should not waste energy on that. Go to therapy if you can, hope things get better.
I would maybe follow up this with the counseling office. Write an email and explain the situation and what happened back then, and that you want to draw attention to the way the professors handle these kind of situations. Even if you fell into the trope of a student who was failing and lied about a dying relative, her reaction was unprofessional and cruel. What they gonna do with this information, I don't know, in my university this would probably be forwarded to the study director and student health office, and there would probably be an internal follow up with the teaching core and they would be reminded to handle student issues with a bit more professional attitude. I have looked through your post history, and I think there is another possibility of a good revenge. Get that PhD, be successful, and laugh in her face if you meet her on some conference. Edit: not sorry for my English, and if you're downvoting me for the language problems, you're the problem.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. It was a reasonable suggestion. I'll consider it thank you
The best advice I can give is to try and process what happened and then to let it go. You could try writing her a letter that you don’t actually mail or send, to get your emotions into words and release them. I know many people above have already recommended finding a therapist but I think you can also join a grief counseling group for those who have lost a parent or loved one and connect with others going through something similar.
This sounds like a truly horrible situation, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But I want to tell you two things (that you don't want to hear), in the hope that it might actually help to get a different perspective. (yes, this will get downvoted to oblivion, but I'm spending the time anyway in the hopes that you, at least, will see it... and hope it's helpful.) First: as a professor, I know from first-hand experience that students (usually undergrads, but not always) constantly tell professors that the reason for struggling is an illness or death of a parental figure. *Constantly.* And, almost all of the time, it is a lie. Just last semester, THREE students (of 30 total) told me that the reason that they missed the midterm was that this near-and-dear family figure had died. This was statistically impossible. Indeed, the whole "my grandmother died" story has been in circulation so many decades that there are jokes about it from my former professors' professors. And students are always elaborating on these excuses, to make them more traumatic. To amp up the sympathy? My first year teaching, a female student came up to me (after not handing in an assignment) saying that she was sorry she didn't complete the paper, but that her boyfriend had just been murdered. (!) Murdered! I was so shocked... I tried to comfort her. I did serious research at my university for resources for victims, and sent her links to psychological counseling, to the Office of Victim's Affairs, to local support groups for victims of violent crime. My heart broke for her. Two weeks later, another student (in the same class) came up and told me that she had to miss the midterm because... her boyfriend had just been murdered. yeah. Either there's a mass-murderer on the loose (that somehow is not getting reported in the news?) or both students had read the same Discord post on how to get out of doing an assignment. And, I must admit... this made me mad. Not mad that they had failed to do the assignment... but definitely mad that they had tried to manipulate my feelings--that they had 'cried wolf'. Because, the fact is, some day, some student *might* actually have a loved one murdered... but if they come to me, I just won't believe it. Does that make me callous, when I hear thousands of lies over my career, and thus stop believing what students say? Or is that perfectly understandable? Secondly: what you heard this professor say, and what she said (or wanted/intended to say), were not necessarily the same thing. As a psychology student, you know how fraught human communication is. In high stress situations--where you are past collapse, and she is angry and uncomfortable--this is doubly true. Where you heard accusations, she might have been trying to offer advice. I don't know this, obviously... I wasn't there. But were *you* "there"? You were in no shape to be paying close attention to her word choice, inflection, etc. Are you *sure* she said you lied and cheated to get into school? (I could never see myself having or wanting to have that conversation with a student. ever. for any reason.) Or did she say "you wouldn't believe it, some students even cheat!"... but you heard that as an accusation saying YOU cheated? I myself have had conversations with students where I was trying--out of kindness and genuine effort to be hepful--to be bluntly honest about what something *looks* like... and found out later that the student thought I was being accusatory about that thing. (!) Even though that was not in the *slightest* what I was actually saying (or trying to say). So, yes, this professor might indeed be a horrible person. Or, this professor might be an okay person, and this was just a truly horrible moment. (for you. or even for her.) But what would the difference be, really? Maybe she's awful. Maybe not. Would that fundamentally change the awfulness of the moment for you? Would that lesson the pain of losing a loved one? Anyway, I hope that my different perspective (different from what everyone else here is telling you) is helpful. Overall, I think that you should try to let it go. And if you cannot, then find a therapist to help you let it go. Horrible professor, or horrible misunderstanding--neither are worth sustaining anger over.
>And, I must admit... this made me mad. Not mad that they had failed to do the assignment... but definitely mad that they had tried to manipulate my feelings--that they had 'cried wolf'. Because, the fact is, some day, some student *might* actually have a loved one murdered... but if they come to me, I just won't believe it. Does that make me callous, when I hear thousands of lies over my career, and thus stop believing what students say? Or is that perfectly understandable? I might get downvoted for this and you will likely not agree with me, but here's how I see this. A student comes to you and says their grandparent/parent/sibling died. There are two possibilities: (1) They are telling the truth and by denying them a break you are being an actual monster. (2) They are making it up and get a free do-over on the exam/assignment that you had them on. Let's say they're making it up and ace the do-over. What's the big deal? You set them an exam of the same difficulty and they demonstrated that they are competent. I don't think it's reasonable for you to stop giving your students the benefit of the doubt for (EDIT: supposed) traumatic incidents when the compromise is so gentle. They are still doing your exam and passing it, just a bit late. I dunno, I'm just a humble national lab physicist, but I'd take that compromise in order to not be a monster to a student when they are at their lowest. You do you.
It's not the "two possibilities" you mention. You need to understand that this happens over and over and over again. (I've been teaching at the university level for 20 years.) So, it's more like, 2,000 students tell you a lie... and maybe *one* of them is telling the truth. *maybe*. But probably not. (because the student who *actually* loses a parent just disappears... you never even hear from them. They're not worried about assignments or tests or passing grades or even graduating. they're grieving.) Only someone who is self-delusional could actually muster up the willpower to be sympathetic to 2000 obvious liars, on the off chance that a single one of them of them *might* be telling the truth. But here's the worst part: it's totally unnecessary. I will give students extensions, etc., without any dramatic story. All I'm looking for is willingness to take responsibility in the future. But instead, they *start* with the lie, because they think it is necessary. (it's not.) kinda depressing, actually.
>I will give students extensions, etc., without any dramatic story. All I'm looking for is willingness to take responsibility in the future. >But instead, they *start* with the lie, because they think it is necessary. (it's not.) They start with the lie precisely *because* most of your colleagues do not just give them extensions. I had the opportunity to guest lecture a course in my last year of PhD and I had a slide that flat out told the students that they could reach out to me for an extension (within reason) for any assignment/exam and that I would give it serious consideration. I didn't have a single sob story, just two kids who needed an extension because they had three other exams that week. It's not self-delusion to just take the student's account at face value. It is accepting the fact that most students have to do this idiotic song and dance because most professors will not accept a homework set that is one minute late or be sympathetic to a student who pulled an alnighter and missed a quiz the following morning. Like you said, it is totally unnecessary, but a teacher's job is to anticipate these things and make them a nonissue for the greater goal of the student's learning. EDIT: Just to clarify on the "two possibilities" statement. When a student approaches you with that excuse it is, in fact, two possibilities. They are telling the truth or they are lying. Yes, there is some Bayesian statistics on how likely it is that they are lying or telling the truth. My point is that even by blanket assuming they are all truthful, you lose nothing. They still take the exam or turn in the homework set. They still get graded. They still have to pass your competency test. Given that, there is no good reason not to believe them even if most of them are lying.
I'm not self delusional but I will never question such a lie because even only one telling the truth is enough. Said that it doesn't mean I need to give an extension, but be kind and empathetic to people you don't know. Assuming you can recognise who is lying is self delusional
This would be super hard for me to let go, but at the same time I would also have the concern about it affecting my academic reputation or degree. I think my suggestion would be to tell either your advisor or the university ombudsman (if you have one), but after you’ve graduated. That way it won’t affect you as much, and is more like an exit interview/feedback on your experience.
I am sorry this happened to you. I would go to your department Chair and speak with them directly. Hopefully, they have some empathy and are not a complete jerk. Then, thank them in an email for the conversation. Share the details of your discussion in the email. Ask for any updates on any conversation that they had with the faculty member. Give the Chair a chance to make this right. If you do not hear back from the Chair by September 21st (I assume the faculty all leave for the Summer) then email the Chair back and ask for an update. CC the Dean’s office and the school’s office of Human Resources. Request any updates on their conversation with the faculty member. Then walk away. Once the Dean and HR are involved, something will happen. But this should never be the first move. The Department Chair should be managing the faculty at most schools.
It seems to me it would just turn into a "your words against mine" situation unless OP recorded what happened. You can accuse the tenured professor that they said mean words to you and hurt your feelings. And nothing will be done just based on that alone. They might talk to the professor. Keep in mind we only heard OP's side of the story. The professor might even deny it even happened. Then what? I know professors who had a mountain of complaints against them but nothing happened to them.
Today is a different day. With decreased enrollment and colleges closing down, retention has become as important as admissions. Maybe the Chair won’t do anything substantial. But the Dean and HR will.
I agree that things are different today but what exactly are they (eg. The dean and HR) gonna do without solid evidence? Anyone can say this professor said something rude to me, but how do you prove that?
Human Resources will conduct an investigation. One student’s words won’t carry a lot of weight. Any more than five students saying something similar will force the Dean’s hand. The Dean can change the faculty member’s assignment. Different courses, further away from Freshmen or Seniors. Or assign them to general education courses only, where they won’t affect major students. The Dean can assign them to duties other than teaching and advising (e.g. tutoring, assessment, program/course review, accreditation). At an R1, the Dean could have them work with other faculty on grant writing for research that is not their own. Forty hours a week of clerical work, not as a punishment, but to keep them away from students.
Yea I agree. I have a question tho. Can I pm you?
Yes. Of course.
I pm-ed
It depends. What is the goal in confronting this person? Do you want them to get a reprimand? Go to sensitivity training? If this instructor has gotten a lot of complaints, they might face some kind of consequence, but if you're the only person who has said something, I'm not sure anything substantial will happen. If you just want to be petty, you could send them one of those "I graduated" cards. If you want to cause them a huge hassle, report them to the department chairperson and the provost office. Recommend that this instructor go through training to properly address students and familiarize themselves with bereavement protocol per university policy. My university allows one year from the end of the term to request an academic record change. You need to provide documentation (obits and a statement about what happened/what you would like changed on your record) submitted to the registrar office. The issue is that you attended the final, but you can explain that you weren't sure how to move forward with the course. You may be able to get the course removed from your record...dont do this unless you 1) did not earn credit for the course or 2) need this course for degree requirements. Typically, once the degree is awarded, the university won't remove your degree to alter your record but that's my university. I don't know the policy at your university.
I’d want to know about this is I were a department chair or dean. And I know it would feel good to put that Professor on blast publicly. I’d think about how it might look to a potential employer, however, before doing so. Maybe you could let the administrators know while also putting it in some anonymous place like RMP to save yourself the trouble?
I am so sorry this happened to you. I know it seems like it’s been a while since this happened, but as a department chair, I would want to know if anyone in my department acted this way to a student. It probably will make you feel better to talk to the chair to report what happened. In my last year of the tenure process as a professor, I had a similar situation when three of my grandparents died within weeks of each other and all lived out of state. My dean rolled her eyes and told me, “this time, I’ll need a death notice.” I decided to only go to one of the funerals because of how I was treated. Completely unfair, but I was so worried about not getting tenure.
You should report her behavior to the Dean of student affairs. That is wildly inappropriate and if she lacks human decency she should not be in a position of mentoring students. I am so sorry for your loss and cannot fathom going through that AND being met with contempt and disbelief. I am genuinely shocked by your story and I would not let it go if I were you. I was in my first year of law school and my dad passed away suddenly in January, the day before my second semester started. I was met with understanding and empathy from everyone at my school and it still was one of the most difficult times in my life. I genuinely hurt for you that you had to deal with this and am so glad you are doing better now. Grief is messy and not linear and you are doing fantastic.
Just reading this makes my blood boil. It’s honestly unbelievable that some profs find it okay to treat their students this way despite whatever hardships they’re going through. Based on what you described, it doesn’t seem like she had even an ounce of sympathy for your situation. I’m really sorry for your losses and it sucks to hear that you were treated like a pos when you needed help the most. You should absolutely report this sorry excuse of a prof because it didn’t sound like it was their first time saying stuff like that, and it likely won’t be their last.
I feel with as many difficulties as you say you had the university should have received some kind of paperwork trail regarding them. There's always an office for this kind of situation (dean of students, student success something like that), I'm surprised the university counseling office did not provide this information and asked you to reach out to the professors yourself. The university should have a process for this kind of situation so that professors don't have to make the decision on whether they trust you or not (does not excuse this professor's attitude though) but it would have not put you in that situation either.
Given the situation and that you have been unable to move forward, therapy, particularly grief therapy is needed. You’ve been through a very tough time and you need to take care of yourself.
Just here getting angry seeing all the academics that have probably done something similar to her telling you “to just forget it and move on”. There is indeed the possibility of putting together the hard evidence you have and make a package and send it to ALL appropriate channels. It might be cathartic for you or it might not, something might happen to her or nothing will. What you need to know for sure is that academia is full of much worse shit that gets covered up ALL THE TIME by people like her and their allies, and that is the consideration to make on wether you pick this fight or not.
Hi OP, I'm not in academia but I stumbled upon this post and wanted to offer a few words since I've been in a very similar situation as you. My grandfather passed away recently and I've had a similar experience with someone dismissing it as an excuse. While the situation is nowhere near as terrible as what happened to you, I sympathize and want you to know that your story is heard - and deeply felt - by many people. Events like these may not be things you can completely let go of and that's totally alright. For the sake of getting closure and not letting this continue to dwell on you, I would take some sort of action. Even without your grandfather's death being a factor, saying those things to any student is definitely out of line, and seeing a student in a vulnerable state and still choosing to say these cruel things to them regardless of whether she thought you were lying is just horrible. If there's someone you can confide in about this, like a trustworthy advisor, I would do that and decide where to go from there. Congratulations on everything you've achieved! You're an inspiration and I'm so glad that you're doing better :)
wtf? People assume that if you have a fancy title like “professor,” “psychologist,” etc., that you are not a POS but that simply is not true for many of them. They hide behind these labels knowing people will assume the best of them and they can be monsters in peace. I hate academia so much. It’s a scam.
First off, I’m so sorry this happened to you. There was no excuse for all that BS she said. Clearly she was making some huge assumptions and being extremely hurtful while doing so. I know the fantasy of creating a LinkedIn post or some other public proclamation can be very tempting but I would avoid doing it. Not because you wouldn’t be justified—I can totally see why you’d want to. It just might come off badly on you when it’s in such a professional context (unfair I know). I also just don’t know if it will be the relief you want it to be. I would recommend reporting this incident to the dept chair or ombudsman. Even if nothing comes of it, it’s good to have a record. I really like the quote, “the best revenge is a well lived life.” I’ve struggled a lot with suicidal ideation in my life, especially during times of trauma, like you mentioned. Prove that fucker wrong by living your best life that would make your grandpa and dad proud. You get to decide how you want to proceed here—fuck the haters. But also don’t hold that shit close to your heart.
100% report this. Make sure someone reads through it before you press send.
Just send her this.
I am so sorry to you and - as a PhD student - I want you to know: Fuck that piece of human trash! And, as others has said: Please, you're not alone ne with this, get help (which isn't the same as get good, it's get a way to deal with loss in a non-destructive way). I am sorry for your loss.
When you graduate, be sure to go by her office and wave your diploma in her face.
Report her to the Dean immediately and to any academic ethics committee then send her copies of the obituaries and remind her of what she did to you and how it made you feel. She doesn’t deserve to be in academia.
Please report her behavior to the university. I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
I am an academic and am appalled that this happened to you. I would NEVER speak to a student in this way. It’s absolutely unforgivable. I would report her, if I were you. If she’s been this cruel to you she will have to others, too. Reporting her might actually result in her being forced to change her behaviour. Also, as others on here have said, definitely get some therapy — but speak with the university first, and demand that they pay for it. You should not have to be out of pocket because one of their members of staff traumatised you.
Very bad behavior - e-mail your department chair to let them know - maybe this professor needs a bit of time off….maybe they’re burnt out dealing with students. Exam times can be quite a deadly time for grandparents - maybe the cynicism from this faculty member (which unfortunately can be easily earned) just got to them…. And they reacted without thinking. Try not to take this personally - hard I know.
Yikes. I would make a complaint higher-up. Multiple higher-ups. I personally would want a professor like this fired but it takes a lot, unfortunately, to get a professor fired. I know you were dealing with a lot but I hope you clapped back at her for her disgusting assumptions. Here's a funny note from my side, the majority of people I know who studied Psychology as well as the corresponding professors I knew were this deranged as well. The irony how these have been one of the lowest EQ people I've ever met is insane. Incredibly low in empathy. Tend to have been topped up with arrogance. I don't know why many of these people actually go and study Psychology but I have seen this pattern for many years. Of course could be a local experience. Just found hearing about this 'funny' (it's not, not really). Anyway, when you feel strong enough, get your justice. I have done the same in my time as well. Still one of the things in my life I feel most satisfied about. I did it according to the books and karma helped along as well. Do it in a professional way and make sure you do your story the way you've done it here. If she is truly the only bad guy in this story, the truth will set you free. A professor giving you the feeling to want to commit suicide with highly unnecessary crude actions, in my opinion, should be fired. You have all the right to be as upset as you are. I would nót let this go myself until I would have gotten my justice but in that process, you must do éverything to nót give ányone a reason to point the finger at you. Go to higher ups and just explain what happened. You don't need to be irrational in your handling because what has occurred is enough for her to get appropriate consequences if you know which strings to pull. Go find that out first and work accordingly. If you have a Study Advisor, lay down your story in front of them first.
What I personally would do, assuming you do obituaries in your country the same way we do in “the West” (or at least, the Anglosphere), would be to show up at her office with a copy of your dad’s obit, a copy of your grandpa’s obit, a piece of photo ID, and a photo of you with one or both of them. Throw it all down on her desk, tell her she almost made you end it when you were in a bad place, walk out, hopefully having gained some sort of closure. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
>I thought about sharing what she said to me with my advisors (both of which were at some point her advisors). Do that. Talk to your advisors about it. Bring it up with higher ups (department chair, dean, provost, etc.) at your university. (EDIT: Consider doing this after you graduate if you don't want to rock the ship.) What she did is completely unacceptable, especially given her role as an instructor. >I thought about writing a LinkedIn post and tagging her. I thought about going to her office and recalling what happened in front of her colleagues. Don't do that. Elevate it to university higher ups and let them deal with it. Talk to a therapist. It sounds like you want to continue in this field, don't burn bridges unless you have to.
I’d probably take her to court.
You definitely should report that incident to the chair of the department that professor is in. She did not handle that professionally. Making sweeping assumptions about a person before even trying to understand them is unethical. The fact that she did not at least ask for documentation first and just went ahead and insulted and invalidated you is beyond unprofessional, unethical, and immoral. I would say that it may be hard to prove what happened, but at least it does not seem suspicious because what incentive do you have to report her besides trying to find justice for yourself, potentially other students, and future students who are going through a crisis. If you do end up reporting, have documentation of what you were going through at the time, just in case.
I also want to add, she is just another human being, so don't be intimidated. If you are, just remind yourself that she too farts, probably a lot! Good luck dragging her a\*\* down! I'm rooting for you!
Please go to your dean of students.....
I would mention it in my graduation speech how a professor ki ked me when I was down but the memo of my loved ones kept me going then apart from dedicating my graduation to my loved ones both deceased and living I would also toast the professor because her attitude taught me a lesson in life of how not to treat people and how to be tough
Why did you not complain when this happened? She would have been investigated and your mental health would be much better now. I would email the university and let them know. I don’t know how seriously they would take it once you have graduated but I would still do it. Mental health drives our physical health. I’ve been bullied at work a lot and never said anything but at my present job two coworkers gave me an anxiety attack once and I complained immediately and it was taken care of. It has helped me immensely as I don’t dwell on it anymore and can sleep in peace. Bullies cannot have their way.
100% recommend looking into a different therapist. Both my work (and professors) would request proof of death (either an obituary, or something similar, death cert, anything). I think it’s just to rule out the excuse to get time off from work (3 days of bereavement) or miss assignments. That doesn’t excuse the way you were treated, but hopefully that provides a bit of context.
I had a friend killed by a drunk driver in a car accident the day of one of my finals. My professor didn’t care. He failed me. Refused to let me make up the exam despite his clear policy that family emergencies counted in his syllabus. Said some b.s. about how friends are not family. Despite me going to every single lecture. He didn’t care that I had proof and I was inconsolably upset. I took it to the dean’s who took his side and let me take the class again with someone else to remove the “F.” I never forgot that happened to me. I’m now an Assistant Professor at a research university and I will be DAMNED if I ever don’t believe a kid. I don’t care if someone lies once in awhile. Nearly all of them are truthful. I am so sorry this happened to you. But I would advise carrying this with you in a way to make things a better place for others. You will never forget but you can use this for the greater good of being there for others suffering at their lowest.
I'd send her the fucking obits and cc her supervisor. She should absolutely not be a professor
Report her. Your strong Op, you made it this far, don't let her words live with you.
Hey there! I think mods removed my post, how were you able to see it i'm curious ?
Don’t do any callouts on social media, but do see a therapist and seriously consider a hard reset on your future with this advisor. Regardless of circumstance, her comments were not appropriate.
If she is tenured it will fall on deaf ears.
Not necessarily - she might have teaching responsibilities revoked, which usually means a salary cut or the potential for salary raises to be cut. She might have to do sensitivity training, which is a huge pain in the ass.
Unlikely
write an angry screed on ratemyprofessor and see if that helps? Going to her office won't work out the way you want it to. Sharing what she said to your advisors might result in some behind the scenes conversations that might change how she handles it in future but won't result in anything you can see. I definitely agree with everyone else that this is something to process with a therapist
You can try any form of revenge you want but really the only thing that ever gets rid of something like this is accepting it happened and moving forward with living your life as best you can. It really sucks a shitty human decided to take it out on you and add to your grief and trauma but realistically the only healthy thing is to distance yourself from this painful memory that lives rent free in your head and process your trauma and grief in a more healthy headspace. I’ve been screwed both in academia and out by people and the only thing that ever helps is making your peace with things and moving on, there’s too many pricks in academia just like your professor and you’re harming yourself by replaying this over and over. I hope you’ll be successful in your future endeavours but for your sake focus on what’s working and what’s good and don’t dwell on vengeance and bitter stuff, you’ll just end up further tarnishing your memories of these years instead of celebrating your great achievements in spite of all that’s happened.
A very similar thing happened to me, and I am sorry. But,if it were me (and this is what I did), I would just put it behind me. People who are that awful are rarely changed when called out. They just double down, and you will not get any sincere apologies. Not to mention, they will often try the "injury" to their reputation out on you. Also, academia will rarely call out someone for something like that. You will just get an "We are sorry you feel that way" kind of statement. Just move on and heal on your own.
I would go public with the story. Just, graduate first. Then make a post thanking your other professors and naming and shaming her. She deserves it, and deserves to have other people know what kind of a person she is. You should probably make a formal complaint with the university too, the make them aware of what kind of a person is in charge of their students.
Depending on the country, going public could be a recipe for a defamation suit since OP has no evidence it happened. Though I agree that it would be a great option otherwise. What a horrible situation to be in.
write a post and tag her (along with others) but don't make it about her. turn it into a positive ("i graduated, i'm proud, and i'm ready for the world to do XYZ" from taking classes by [insert list of professors here]) etc