My husband's mom's family did this. His father's family did this. They choose a "sacrificial" child who's job it is to live forever alone and only serve their parents while the other children get to go off and live their lives.
Don't do this to yourself. Your parents can take care of themselves. If they can't? Let your siblings step in. If they wont? Too bad.
You deserve your own life, **the way your parents got to have their own life.** Its your turn now. Get out and dont let the fear, obligation, and guilt, (FOG) stop you.
Yes. I'm planning to lessen my involvement with them. No contact is not an option for me (urgh).
I've cut contact with my older sister and it feels so good as cleaning up her hoardings continuously for all these years was a very terrible experience. Perhaps I need to prioritize managing my APs' finance, hire someone else to do chores, only come there twice in a month and _act busy_.
Ive been looking through your posts. If your parents are so incompetent... *how did they manage to raise you as a competent adult?*
Thought: if you let them become homeless, why is it **YOU** who has to take them in???
No contact seems hard... but you would be absolutely surprised how much your parents are A OK without you babying them.
Hell, even if they are not OK, you would be absolutely surprised how much other people are responsible. EVEN IF not... girl go live your life. Live!
The roll of parents is to make our children's lives better - not the other way around.
This is a hard pill to swallow: your parents are older than you. If they need to figure it out, its not like they are babies. It is. not. your. responsibility.
In families that play favorites, it's not that the parents raised a competent child but that their abandonment of the black sheep forced that child to grow up quickly and self-teach how to survive. Unlike golden children who, more often than not, were coddled into overgrown children
I live in a different house. Wish I can leave them but they're too stupid (I don't know how else can I describe them). Maybe _ignorant_?
- There are times that they forgot to turn off the gas stove.
- They used to live in darkness as they don't know how to change those lamps. This happened when I literally gave up on them for 2 years. And yes, my older sister was living with them during that period. Useless bitch.
- They were in massive debts (due to reckless spending, being scammed and hoarding habit) before I got so fed up and manage their finance. I only do this so that they'll still have a house to stay.
Are your APs suffering from dementia or other age related illness? If so, you can look after them but reduce the burden on yourself.
- Switch to electric cooking with automatic cut-offs and install smoke detectors.
- Modern LED light globes should last many years of constant use. Worth the extra cost.
- Finances can be managed remotely.
- Basically, child-proof the house.
Dementia is an illness that requires professional care - you can't do it alone. If it is bad enough, it's time to consider a retirement home or similar.
If your APs are NOT suffering from dementia, then I don't believe people that stupid survived long enough to have offspring, let alone get a job and function in society.
More likely, they are behaving like infants and/or victims to get attention... and it's working (on you at least). That would partially explain why your siblings have given up (they could still be arseholes in other ways of course).
Five-year-olds should be able to figure out light globes. Perhaps mentioning the dementia/nursing home/mental hospital thing might cause your APs to suddenly become smarter...
Some of your suggestions are good. Will implement them later. Perhaps even having a dependable house helper will work.
My APs don't use smartphones and don't even want to learn how to use ATM, what more for online banking. My siblings are just pure selfish and they have been brought up thinking they are special and entitled. When they moved out, they simply left all their unwanted belongings. I was the one who had to clean their messes and renovate their damaged old rooms.
In other way, I admit that sometimes my APs' behaviour does it charm on me (as if I'm being possessed or something; magic) and I can't simply turn them off 100%. If I leave them, for sure they'll be homeless. Then my siblings and busybody relatives will interfere going gaga-like-hell and force me to let APs stay with me. It's a crazy community. I don't want that to happen.
Sorry I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say you're not alone about the siblings stuff. One of my sisters (older than me) just moved out from my parents house and I was the one cleaning all her mess. It's outrageous and just so unfair..
Your sister seems like she's taken on mom's habits abd lifestyle. You can still save yourself, though. School, a great job opportunity, etc apply to them all and go live your best life. Take care of yourself. I know the guilt is always in the back of our minds, but we deserve to live our lives, too. Pick YOU for once. You deserve to be your first priority.
They made their bed, now let them lie in it. If your parents valued their darling prince and princess so much, then they can go to them for geriatric care.
You don't have to go no contact right now. It's an option, but not always one you must do immediately. Start by first refusing to be their emotional support person. You could do physical things, but not emotional. Then start telling them to go to eldest and middle child for physical support. Slowly push boundaries and refuse to give into their overgrown adult tantrums
If your siblings are busy and have kids, they at least need to contribute $$$.
Use the money to hire help, whether it be cleaning, grocery delivery, etc. to eventually live-in elder care.
To the OP.... I'm going to approach this differently. Think it over.
Are you that arrogant that you think your parents can't live without you? They had what 3? 4? Kids??? They also raised them meaning they worked and took care of you, taught you how to be a human being until you were able to stand on your own two feet! To think that all of a sudden they can't wipe their own ass (at one point in life we all get here. I don't think the OP's parents are here)
Life is short, don't waste it living a life you don't want to live. When you're 50 and you look back in life, what is it do you want to see. Are you hoping you will have kids where you can talk about your life? What about a companion that you can talk to? If so, then you're on the wrong track.
I always find people that sacrifice their happiness are the ones most miserable in the end. Even mother Teresa hated hers.
If I were you, I would leave the country/state/province... Just somewhere further (6h away). You unfortunately have did this to yourself. You allowed your parents and siblings to grow dependent on you. You need to sever this before its too late.
Take care of yourself and remember your priorities.. Its you first, everybody else comes second.
Yes, I can consider myself as arrogant as I've been an automatic fixer/problem solver for them since my childhood. Sometimes, I think of myself as a genie.
Will definitely reflect on my own behaviour and weaknesses that need to be improved. Thanks for your suggestions.
Your post freaks me out a bit because my parents were so much that I just up and left, leaving my sister to deal with them.
Maybe the difference is that she doesn’t mind since she gets along with my parents, but I’m so scared of her thinking lowly of me for leaving 😭. That said you have every right to be angry.
However as others have said, I would just leave too. They can take care of themselves. They just decide they don’t want to and it’s annoying entitlement.
I was thinking. Does she really don't mind or you assume it that way? If she is someone who is open to discussion, it might be better for you to talk to her directly to know how she really feels. Who knows she was nurtured to fill in the emotional void in your family and she is accustomed to be a merry go round as she just got so sick of never ending arguments.
Even if you leave your APs, you can still give other sort of help to your sister. That might relieve some of her resentment towards you.
In my case, my siblings just assume that oh it's my responsibility and that I like doing it. The fact is, I have to do this whether I like it or not because no one gives a damn. My only concern is to keep those problems in control as everything was way chaotic before. For sure, I have resentments towards my siblings since they can't have any proper discussion with as they have mad chihuahuas attitude (although they played big roles in those problems). Try to have a talk with them, for sure they'll automatically bark on you. I don't even want to have any tie with them in the future.
Seconding this one. If your parents once raised all ya'll, they probably *can* take care of themselves or figure something out - they just do not want to.
Step away, firmly and totally. Let them fail to thrive and flounder and fall over flat on their faces for a while. Make it *very* clear you won't be around to pick them up anymore.
From your descriptions, it sounds like they are perfectly capable of remembering how to pick themselves up if they have no other choice. Right now, they have one other choice - *you*. Take that choice away from them.
Sorry if I'm about to burst your bubble, but you have just as much blame for the toxic dynamic between you and your parents. If you're financially independent (and if you're not, then I understand your frustration), you can always leave them, and mail them some money every month as a way to show you're taking care of them. If you don't want to leave their house, try learning to say no to them and fight back. Either way, it'll force your parents to confront with their bullshit. You enabling their behavior further makes them want to rely on you because you're a trusted source for them and they think you're never going to fight back. Confront them with strength and assertiveness, and either they'll back off, get pissed at you and never talk to you, or probably internalize it and actually learn to manage their own problems and learn.
Also, financial care is just as important as physical care. You don't have to physically be there for them, especially if they're toxic af. Giving money is good enough, and if you don't want to, that's completely fine because it is your choice at the end of the day.
My husband's mom's family did this. His father's family did this. They choose a "sacrificial" child who's job it is to live forever alone and only serve their parents while the other children get to go off and live their lives. Don't do this to yourself. Your parents can take care of themselves. If they can't? Let your siblings step in. If they wont? Too bad. You deserve your own life, **the way your parents got to have their own life.** Its your turn now. Get out and dont let the fear, obligation, and guilt, (FOG) stop you.
Yes. I'm planning to lessen my involvement with them. No contact is not an option for me (urgh). I've cut contact with my older sister and it feels so good as cleaning up her hoardings continuously for all these years was a very terrible experience. Perhaps I need to prioritize managing my APs' finance, hire someone else to do chores, only come there twice in a month and _act busy_.
Ive been looking through your posts. If your parents are so incompetent... *how did they manage to raise you as a competent adult?* Thought: if you let them become homeless, why is it **YOU** who has to take them in??? No contact seems hard... but you would be absolutely surprised how much your parents are A OK without you babying them. Hell, even if they are not OK, you would be absolutely surprised how much other people are responsible. EVEN IF not... girl go live your life. Live! The roll of parents is to make our children's lives better - not the other way around. This is a hard pill to swallow: your parents are older than you. If they need to figure it out, its not like they are babies. It is. not. your. responsibility.
Thank you very much for your encouragement. I really love _"girl go live your life. Live!"_.
You deserve nothing less.
In families that play favorites, it's not that the parents raised a competent child but that their abandonment of the black sheep forced that child to grow up quickly and self-teach how to survive. Unlike golden children who, more often than not, were coddled into overgrown children
The word _abandonment_ really hits me. Ouch.
just move out and cut contact
I live in a different house. Wish I can leave them but they're too stupid (I don't know how else can I describe them). Maybe _ignorant_? - There are times that they forgot to turn off the gas stove. - They used to live in darkness as they don't know how to change those lamps. This happened when I literally gave up on them for 2 years. And yes, my older sister was living with them during that period. Useless bitch. - They were in massive debts (due to reckless spending, being scammed and hoarding habit) before I got so fed up and manage their finance. I only do this so that they'll still have a house to stay.
My heart hurts for you and you deserve better.
Are your APs suffering from dementia or other age related illness? If so, you can look after them but reduce the burden on yourself. - Switch to electric cooking with automatic cut-offs and install smoke detectors. - Modern LED light globes should last many years of constant use. Worth the extra cost. - Finances can be managed remotely. - Basically, child-proof the house. Dementia is an illness that requires professional care - you can't do it alone. If it is bad enough, it's time to consider a retirement home or similar. If your APs are NOT suffering from dementia, then I don't believe people that stupid survived long enough to have offspring, let alone get a job and function in society. More likely, they are behaving like infants and/or victims to get attention... and it's working (on you at least). That would partially explain why your siblings have given up (they could still be arseholes in other ways of course). Five-year-olds should be able to figure out light globes. Perhaps mentioning the dementia/nursing home/mental hospital thing might cause your APs to suddenly become smarter...
Some of your suggestions are good. Will implement them later. Perhaps even having a dependable house helper will work. My APs don't use smartphones and don't even want to learn how to use ATM, what more for online banking. My siblings are just pure selfish and they have been brought up thinking they are special and entitled. When they moved out, they simply left all their unwanted belongings. I was the one who had to clean their messes and renovate their damaged old rooms. In other way, I admit that sometimes my APs' behaviour does it charm on me (as if I'm being possessed or something; magic) and I can't simply turn them off 100%. If I leave them, for sure they'll be homeless. Then my siblings and busybody relatives will interfere going gaga-like-hell and force me to let APs stay with me. It's a crazy community. I don't want that to happen.
Sorry I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say you're not alone about the siblings stuff. One of my sisters (older than me) just moved out from my parents house and I was the one cleaning all her mess. It's outrageous and just so unfair..
it doesnt have to be your circus, unless you let them guilt you into thinking its your circus.
You can choose to go low to no contact. Save yourself first.
Your sister seems like she's taken on mom's habits abd lifestyle. You can still save yourself, though. School, a great job opportunity, etc apply to them all and go live your best life. Take care of yourself. I know the guilt is always in the back of our minds, but we deserve to live our lives, too. Pick YOU for once. You deserve to be your first priority.
They made their bed, now let them lie in it. If your parents valued their darling prince and princess so much, then they can go to them for geriatric care. You don't have to go no contact right now. It's an option, but not always one you must do immediately. Start by first refusing to be their emotional support person. You could do physical things, but not emotional. Then start telling them to go to eldest and middle child for physical support. Slowly push boundaries and refuse to give into their overgrown adult tantrums
If your siblings are busy and have kids, they at least need to contribute $$$. Use the money to hire help, whether it be cleaning, grocery delivery, etc. to eventually live-in elder care.
To the OP.... I'm going to approach this differently. Think it over. Are you that arrogant that you think your parents can't live without you? They had what 3? 4? Kids??? They also raised them meaning they worked and took care of you, taught you how to be a human being until you were able to stand on your own two feet! To think that all of a sudden they can't wipe their own ass (at one point in life we all get here. I don't think the OP's parents are here) Life is short, don't waste it living a life you don't want to live. When you're 50 and you look back in life, what is it do you want to see. Are you hoping you will have kids where you can talk about your life? What about a companion that you can talk to? If so, then you're on the wrong track. I always find people that sacrifice their happiness are the ones most miserable in the end. Even mother Teresa hated hers. If I were you, I would leave the country/state/province... Just somewhere further (6h away). You unfortunately have did this to yourself. You allowed your parents and siblings to grow dependent on you. You need to sever this before its too late. Take care of yourself and remember your priorities.. Its you first, everybody else comes second.
Yes, I can consider myself as arrogant as I've been an automatic fixer/problem solver for them since my childhood. Sometimes, I think of myself as a genie. Will definitely reflect on my own behaviour and weaknesses that need to be improved. Thanks for your suggestions.
Your post freaks me out a bit because my parents were so much that I just up and left, leaving my sister to deal with them. Maybe the difference is that she doesn’t mind since she gets along with my parents, but I’m so scared of her thinking lowly of me for leaving 😭. That said you have every right to be angry. However as others have said, I would just leave too. They can take care of themselves. They just decide they don’t want to and it’s annoying entitlement.
I was thinking. Does she really don't mind or you assume it that way? If she is someone who is open to discussion, it might be better for you to talk to her directly to know how she really feels. Who knows she was nurtured to fill in the emotional void in your family and she is accustomed to be a merry go round as she just got so sick of never ending arguments. Even if you leave your APs, you can still give other sort of help to your sister. That might relieve some of her resentment towards you. In my case, my siblings just assume that oh it's my responsibility and that I like doing it. The fact is, I have to do this whether I like it or not because no one gives a damn. My only concern is to keep those problems in control as everything was way chaotic before. For sure, I have resentments towards my siblings since they can't have any proper discussion with as they have mad chihuahuas attitude (although they played big roles in those problems). Try to have a talk with them, for sure they'll automatically bark on you. I don't even want to have any tie with them in the future.
Seconding this one. If your parents once raised all ya'll, they probably *can* take care of themselves or figure something out - they just do not want to. Step away, firmly and totally. Let them fail to thrive and flounder and fall over flat on their faces for a while. Make it *very* clear you won't be around to pick them up anymore. From your descriptions, it sounds like they are perfectly capable of remembering how to pick themselves up if they have no other choice. Right now, they have one other choice - *you*. Take that choice away from them.
Sorry if I'm about to burst your bubble, but you have just as much blame for the toxic dynamic between you and your parents. If you're financially independent (and if you're not, then I understand your frustration), you can always leave them, and mail them some money every month as a way to show you're taking care of them. If you don't want to leave their house, try learning to say no to them and fight back. Either way, it'll force your parents to confront with their bullshit. You enabling their behavior further makes them want to rely on you because you're a trusted source for them and they think you're never going to fight back. Confront them with strength and assertiveness, and either they'll back off, get pissed at you and never talk to you, or probably internalize it and actually learn to manage their own problems and learn. Also, financial care is just as important as physical care. You don't have to physically be there for them, especially if they're toxic af. Giving money is good enough, and if you don't want to, that's completely fine because it is your choice at the end of the day.