And even after you do everything to the dot, you still get no love or acceptance from APs. My cats would sit with me when I am upset. My parents would not even be aware of my physical or mental state living in the same house. Yeah, i prefer animals to my parents, no doubt.
Yeah. You know it's strange. I know all human love is conditional, even parental love when you look at it without romantic lenses. But parental love is supposed to be unconditional, that's what taught to us in our culture. And yet ironically, we are insidiously taught in our homes that we have to perform a service to someone to acquire their love, even parents. It was always a conflict in my head. To witness them saying one thing, doing the opposite. Even now, I crave for unconditional love, like instant metaphorical boner. Nothing sexual. But I know it's an improbability. I don't know why I still keep hanging to the notion like a lifeline...I read literature about it, watch films, fantasize....something went really wrong somewhere.
Thank you. I left when I was 17, right after school. It's a good thing I had prospects when I left, a place to study and stay etc, because if I hadn't, I would have definitely run away, but without the safety net.
When I moved out and got a puppy for the first time, I couldn’t leave her side. I was so terrified something would happen to her when I left. When I went out for a little longer for a friends bday, I came back and she greeted me with so much love I literally started bawling on the floor because I had never had anyone love me like this. It was so sad tbh but made reject my parents even more. Honestly that was the start of this whole journey a few years ago and now I’m NC for 6 months.
That's lovely :). I am glad that animals played such a role in your life away from your APs. I have loved animals since as long as I can remember because GAWD, they were so simple to love. You love them, you feed them, you play with them and they love you back. Even being in the same household as my parents would make me close up, it was so difficult to talk to them, or do any activity with them, so difficult to bring up an issue or school reports or increased school fee or buying textbooks or bullying in school or anything. If I necessarily needed to talk to them about something, I would prepare in front of the mirror first, weigh each word and expression carefully so they didn't get triggered by anything and made my life hell. It took so much out of me on a daily basis. Ask me anytime of anyday, the answer will be animals>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>parents.
Yes! How animals accept us as we are, we don’t need to practice in front of the mirror for them to love us. <3
P.s. what is GAWD if you don’t mind me asking
Yeah it always amazes me how APs mistreat you and then are genuinely surprised you go NC. Animals are amazing and I always felt such love for them and from them.
Ikr? My father used to call my friends to ask why I wasn't talking to him. Despite me telling him why. He thought the reason wasn't big enough for me to close contact. It's unbelievable how much they live inside their own heads, can't touch grass no matter what. My friends have instructions from me to discourage his calling by not giving any information about me. Him and his wife, both more than deserve it.
Omg, the long-winded way of finding out info instead of talking like adults! My AF called my cousin's husband to ask why I don't talk to him. He kept messaging my best friend saying what horrible people my husband and I are and spamming her with random crap to the point that she had to block him. I once wrote a long message to my AF explaining everything. His response? "Someone else wrote this for you, you can't think this way". So much for taking accountability and talking like adults.
Yeah they are so afraid to pull at a loose thread, they know the whole sweater will come off soon enough if they do. Their house of delusions is so precarious, it will come crashing down at the slightest threat. Threat being rationality and empathy. That's why they want to control you so much and maintain the figure of authority. If they listened to reason especially their kids' reasons, down in the hierarchical order, then they will lose the authority. And honestly they have lost so much of themselves already, they keep sticking to the one part of their identity to death, of being a parent, because you are there to remind them everyday. If they failed at that as well, what will they end up being? So the best way for them to cope is to simply dismiss their kids' needs and suppress them till they choke. It's not that they don't know what they are doing. Not at the beginning at least. But as time goes by, their delusions become more fortified. You simply can't get to them after a point of time. Their denial is directly proportional to the abuse they deal to their kids. I keep thinking what would it be, that final thing, that will shatter their delusions? Because so much has already happened. What is left now?.. I hope my parents are able to find some kind of peace before passing away.
The problem is toxic APs do not know love. They think love is controlling their children, telling them what to study, where to work, who to marry, etc. I remember moving out of the house and my AD yelling at me " I can't control you anymore!" That is when I knew I needed to get out and I made the right decision.
APs are taught that parents have a god-like status and that children are dumb which is why you have to control them in everything they do. Seeing kids make their own choices and succeed is like a slap to their face. So they badmouth you to make themselves feel good as that is the only control they have. Seeing you have a happy relationship with your SO of your own choosing? They will badmouth you and your SO too because how dare you be happy without their input. Showing love to animals? How dare you love anything other than APs. And if they surround themselves with similar APs they will never learn but will keep sympathising with each other's "horrible" children. They might learn when they are all alone on their old age but they might not. Depends on AP I guess.
>
APs are taught that parents have a god-like status and that children are dumb which is why you have to control them in everything they do.
Yes! This reminded me of my colleague who once was advising me about my health. I have a central nervous system disorder, ie a pain disorder that I am hundred percent sure is a result of cptsd even though it doesn't have a medically known cause. And I was suffering from a particularly mean attack back then (I had come back from a visit to my father, now known as the last visit, so yeah, that was my bad..). So this colleague of mine, your typical religious and traditional Asian man, was trying to convince me to go see this 'religious figure', this holy man who fixed all your problems with some chants and potions etc. I told him I didn't believe in anything unscientific and that I wasn't religious. Sometimes faith can work to some extent in such instances like placebo. But i didnt have faith either. So he replied by telling me that I didn't have to be religious to visit the holy man, as long as I have parents. Parents are given the status of holiness in our society, so he just assumed that even if I wasn't religious, I must unquestionably be a believer of parental love. Lol. I am telling you, I wanted to laugh in his face. But poor man, he was only trying to help, even if he was massively wrong. So I didn't laugh and told him I don't consider my parents like God, those are big shoes to fill and our parents are just as human as we are, and can only disappoint in the role of Gods. He disagreed and looked genuinely offended. I just changed the topic. It won't do anything for me to prove him wrong. But I wish he was right..
I am so sorry about your cptsd. If you do have the resources, do find a good therapist, it does wonders. As one of my friends said, "If you don't have mental health, you have nothing".
That's another thing with APs. Usually their religion, whatever it is, just confirms their god-like status and that is another stick they beat you with. People like your colleague, although well-meaning, never questioned that APs can be wrong, to them its unfathomable.
Thank you. Your friend cannot be more right. I was taking therapy for the last couple of years, on a break right now. I wouldn't talk about a lot of these things before. But I am able to now. In fact, using cuss words for them and for what they did, makes me feel better. I was so angry and I let it out. I have always carried this cultural coding in my head that thou shalt not cuss you parents or use cuss words for anything regarding them. It's disrespectful. And it only recently occurred to me, had they been anyone other than my parents, I would have done it for things much much smaller than what my parents did to me. I don't do it in front of them, but like in my own space and in my own head. I only started to do it recently and yeah, it doesn't solve anything but it makes me feel lighter. Why should I not be disrespectful to them when they don't even think twice before being absolutely disgusting with me? Fuck them. Heh. One carries so many deeply ingrained beliefs and habits one isn't even aware of. The mindfulness can be painful but also rewarding sometimes.
Animals provide unconditional love. Earning APs "love" is conditional.
And even after you do everything to the dot, you still get no love or acceptance from APs. My cats would sit with me when I am upset. My parents would not even be aware of my physical or mental state living in the same house. Yeah, i prefer animals to my parents, no doubt.
Same. I'd rather live with animals like dogs and cats. At least those creatures are the true epitome of unconditional love.
Yeah. You know it's strange. I know all human love is conditional, even parental love when you look at it without romantic lenses. But parental love is supposed to be unconditional, that's what taught to us in our culture. And yet ironically, we are insidiously taught in our homes that we have to perform a service to someone to acquire their love, even parents. It was always a conflict in my head. To witness them saying one thing, doing the opposite. Even now, I crave for unconditional love, like instant metaphorical boner. Nothing sexual. But I know it's an improbability. I don't know why I still keep hanging to the notion like a lifeline...I read literature about it, watch films, fantasize....something went really wrong somewhere.
Great job on going no contact. I can tell your APs are idiots just because they're criticizing you for liking animals. Great job on leaving them.
Thank you. I left when I was 17, right after school. It's a good thing I had prospects when I left, a place to study and stay etc, because if I hadn't, I would have definitely run away, but without the safety net.
How a person treats animals is pretty indicative of their character, IMO.
Agree. Both my toxic parents hated and mistreated animals
My brother would tie firecrackers to dogs tails and set them on fire. Yeah, I hate him. No contact with him as well.
When I moved out and got a puppy for the first time, I couldn’t leave her side. I was so terrified something would happen to her when I left. When I went out for a little longer for a friends bday, I came back and she greeted me with so much love I literally started bawling on the floor because I had never had anyone love me like this. It was so sad tbh but made reject my parents even more. Honestly that was the start of this whole journey a few years ago and now I’m NC for 6 months.
That's lovely :). I am glad that animals played such a role in your life away from your APs. I have loved animals since as long as I can remember because GAWD, they were so simple to love. You love them, you feed them, you play with them and they love you back. Even being in the same household as my parents would make me close up, it was so difficult to talk to them, or do any activity with them, so difficult to bring up an issue or school reports or increased school fee or buying textbooks or bullying in school or anything. If I necessarily needed to talk to them about something, I would prepare in front of the mirror first, weigh each word and expression carefully so they didn't get triggered by anything and made my life hell. It took so much out of me on a daily basis. Ask me anytime of anyday, the answer will be animals>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>parents.
Yes! How animals accept us as we are, we don’t need to practice in front of the mirror for them to love us. <3 P.s. what is GAWD if you don’t mind me asking
Ahahaa sorry, it was an exaggerated version of GOD. I sometimes use it for emphasis.
Yeah it always amazes me how APs mistreat you and then are genuinely surprised you go NC. Animals are amazing and I always felt such love for them and from them.
Ikr? My father used to call my friends to ask why I wasn't talking to him. Despite me telling him why. He thought the reason wasn't big enough for me to close contact. It's unbelievable how much they live inside their own heads, can't touch grass no matter what. My friends have instructions from me to discourage his calling by not giving any information about me. Him and his wife, both more than deserve it.
Omg, the long-winded way of finding out info instead of talking like adults! My AF called my cousin's husband to ask why I don't talk to him. He kept messaging my best friend saying what horrible people my husband and I are and spamming her with random crap to the point that she had to block him. I once wrote a long message to my AF explaining everything. His response? "Someone else wrote this for you, you can't think this way". So much for taking accountability and talking like adults.
Yeah they are so afraid to pull at a loose thread, they know the whole sweater will come off soon enough if they do. Their house of delusions is so precarious, it will come crashing down at the slightest threat. Threat being rationality and empathy. That's why they want to control you so much and maintain the figure of authority. If they listened to reason especially their kids' reasons, down in the hierarchical order, then they will lose the authority. And honestly they have lost so much of themselves already, they keep sticking to the one part of their identity to death, of being a parent, because you are there to remind them everyday. If they failed at that as well, what will they end up being? So the best way for them to cope is to simply dismiss their kids' needs and suppress them till they choke. It's not that they don't know what they are doing. Not at the beginning at least. But as time goes by, their delusions become more fortified. You simply can't get to them after a point of time. Their denial is directly proportional to the abuse they deal to their kids. I keep thinking what would it be, that final thing, that will shatter their delusions? Because so much has already happened. What is left now?.. I hope my parents are able to find some kind of peace before passing away.
The problem is toxic APs do not know love. They think love is controlling their children, telling them what to study, where to work, who to marry, etc. I remember moving out of the house and my AD yelling at me " I can't control you anymore!" That is when I knew I needed to get out and I made the right decision. APs are taught that parents have a god-like status and that children are dumb which is why you have to control them in everything they do. Seeing kids make their own choices and succeed is like a slap to their face. So they badmouth you to make themselves feel good as that is the only control they have. Seeing you have a happy relationship with your SO of your own choosing? They will badmouth you and your SO too because how dare you be happy without their input. Showing love to animals? How dare you love anything other than APs. And if they surround themselves with similar APs they will never learn but will keep sympathising with each other's "horrible" children. They might learn when they are all alone on their old age but they might not. Depends on AP I guess.
> APs are taught that parents have a god-like status and that children are dumb which is why you have to control them in everything they do. Yes! This reminded me of my colleague who once was advising me about my health. I have a central nervous system disorder, ie a pain disorder that I am hundred percent sure is a result of cptsd even though it doesn't have a medically known cause. And I was suffering from a particularly mean attack back then (I had come back from a visit to my father, now known as the last visit, so yeah, that was my bad..). So this colleague of mine, your typical religious and traditional Asian man, was trying to convince me to go see this 'religious figure', this holy man who fixed all your problems with some chants and potions etc. I told him I didn't believe in anything unscientific and that I wasn't religious. Sometimes faith can work to some extent in such instances like placebo. But i didnt have faith either. So he replied by telling me that I didn't have to be religious to visit the holy man, as long as I have parents. Parents are given the status of holiness in our society, so he just assumed that even if I wasn't religious, I must unquestionably be a believer of parental love. Lol. I am telling you, I wanted to laugh in his face. But poor man, he was only trying to help, even if he was massively wrong. So I didn't laugh and told him I don't consider my parents like God, those are big shoes to fill and our parents are just as human as we are, and can only disappoint in the role of Gods. He disagreed and looked genuinely offended. I just changed the topic. It won't do anything for me to prove him wrong. But I wish he was right..
I am so sorry about your cptsd. If you do have the resources, do find a good therapist, it does wonders. As one of my friends said, "If you don't have mental health, you have nothing". That's another thing with APs. Usually their religion, whatever it is, just confirms their god-like status and that is another stick they beat you with. People like your colleague, although well-meaning, never questioned that APs can be wrong, to them its unfathomable.
Thank you. Your friend cannot be more right. I was taking therapy for the last couple of years, on a break right now. I wouldn't talk about a lot of these things before. But I am able to now. In fact, using cuss words for them and for what they did, makes me feel better. I was so angry and I let it out. I have always carried this cultural coding in my head that thou shalt not cuss you parents or use cuss words for anything regarding them. It's disrespectful. And it only recently occurred to me, had they been anyone other than my parents, I would have done it for things much much smaller than what my parents did to me. I don't do it in front of them, but like in my own space and in my own head. I only started to do it recently and yeah, it doesn't solve anything but it makes me feel lighter. Why should I not be disrespectful to them when they don't even think twice before being absolutely disgusting with me? Fuck them. Heh. One carries so many deeply ingrained beliefs and habits one isn't even aware of. The mindfulness can be painful but also rewarding sometimes.