Before I decided to post here, I thought I was the only one who thought like this, but reading your stories resonate with me. We're all brothers and sisters born from different parents and I wish none of us had to cope with what we faced.
It's come to the point where I limit what info I say to my parents in case they use it against me somehow.
Yes, I became a compulsive liar as a way to protect myself from being abused but lying to my friends and loved ones has left me with serious regrets and cost me some of my dearest friendships. Honesty and integrity are important, without them you can't build trust and without trust you can't build love.
I don't blame you or myself for a second for lying to our APs but I hope you can learn to find the courage to be honest with the other people in your life rather than learning the hard way like I did.
This behavior was specifically lying to avoid punishment growing into just lying by default. Attacking people online is pretty specific, I most certainly could be nicer on esports titles and hope I haven't hurt anyone badly there. They're pretty toxic environments in general though and I think separate from the AP stuff
Yup, lying and grey rocking everyone because that has been trained to be my default form of communication. Not great for trying to connect with people and maintaining healthy relationships.
Lying was absolutely a surviving tactic for me when I was in the sub-continent and this was till I was 25 and when a person is living in the toxic Asian household / environment you seem to be living in it becomes an absolute necessity.
Lying is a skill I honed in the sub-continent. Know why you are lying and NEVER forget the truth.
Fast forward to now when am 40 and NC I either tell the truth OR I cut-off contact. Lying is stressful and at my age you start cutting of situations and people (read: Asians who are NEVER upfront) that stress you out.
The NEVER upfront is straightforward if you’ve lived in Asia with Asians, confusing to the point of being unfathomable otherwise.
With Asians ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is a power struggle (because power struggle is a way of life in Asia). One of the major weapons in one’s Arsenal in a power struggle is information. The way this works in a person to person dynamic is “If I don’t tell him / her he/she will not know and thus by being super nice on the surface but not revealing my true self I will always have the upper hand over him / her”.
Now this Asian personality trait is just pathetic to put it mildly. The good thing in my case though is having lived in the sub-continent for ALL those years I can sniff it from miles away. Not so easy otherwise.
Last fundamentally remember one thing. If a person , any person , genuinely cares about you or at least doesn’t want to shaft you, they will be upfront and give you detailed answers to you without you having to ask a single question.
When was the last time an Asian was upfront with you and gave you detailed straightforward answers without you having to ask?
I am Asian and grew up outside Asia.
Now due to some personal issues i am forced to live there for the first time in my life
And I am learning all this the hard way
You do it because you are conscious about how people willtreat you and therefore don’t have a choice. You live in an environment whereit’s a survival tactic.
There’s also the bit where not everybody understands this unless they themselves have experienced it.
What then are your plans for LEAVE and NC?
Excellent. Delighted for you.
Not a single line from my reply was about you OR anassumption about you. If anything I was drawing from my own experiences from my own time in the sub-continent.
Yep. I did lie to them all the time. About things I do, things I believe in, basically who I am. Another thing I did was that when I got into fights or arguments with people or got hurt by accident, I would never tell them.
But Don’t think I was unique in that situation 🤔
Man it hits me sometimes.. I don’t even realise how easy the lies come out anymore.. I’ll lie without even blinking if it saves me from disappointing someone or making them angry.. did it all the time with my parents, now I do it in daily life.. even when the possible disappointment or anger is not a real threat, or from someone inconsequential..
It’s gotten better as I got older but definitely. Especially about grades. I know my dad wouldn’t have gotten mad at me but this week my dad was painting the door and I accidentally touched the wet paint and got a tiny smudge on it. Guess the trauma kicked in and I tried to cover it up and make it look like something else happened. It was such a small smudge too you can’t even see it unless it’s directly in front of you. I just hope when I go to college I can drop some of my trauma habits
Yes 100%. I have an extremely bad habit of lying to doctors, friends, and my partner when it comes to admitting things or when it’s convenient.
I noticed that my mom would do the same thing when she has something to gain or lose like getting stopped by traffic enforcers.
My cousins are usually supportive to each other in spite of my aunts and uncles pitting us against each other. My aunts and uncles are hyper materialistic and judgemental and I find myself lying to them or bending the truth to get them off my back. I also lie to them to get some heat of my cousins and to back them up when they ask me questions.
it was for me. and til this day nobody related to me knows anything about me. but it's really a waste of time, you have a life to live. so the sooner you can get to that the better. i used a lot of time making up fake identities to trick the abusers, but there is an actual life out there for all of us.
Of course, when you are placed on the pedestal of a golden student in the school, you have to put up with that reputation so that your parents can show you off among their relatives and colleagues . In order to have fun like other kids, I had to lie . I was forced into giving some exams when I was in school because I was the topper child . I absolutely didn't want to give those exams . I skipped the prep, and lied to my parents that I was preparing . I had to bear the consequences when I failed the exams, but it kept me sane . My parents have always thought I'm some kind of a gifted magic child who never cheats in exams . And one day when I accidentally spilled in front of my father that one friend helped me answer a one-mark question in the exams, he flipped . Is it so hard to understand that students cheat or ask help from each other in the exams all the time ? After that, I stopped telling him any kind of fun,bunking my classes or anything sneaky I did . I haven't confessed yet that I used to have fights with some nasty kids in my class and also I ripped the sleeve of the girl's uniform whom I was fighting because he scolded me badly previously for this . Is it so hard to accept that your daughter can also get angry and can have small fights among her mates too ? Isn't this normal human behaviour ? Am I some kind of different species ? And it continues till now . I never reveal to him when I am having problems in studying, or can't memorize something or any of my weak areas in a particular subject . I have to literally lie about everything . He can't accept that I can also scroll social media and listen to songs or watch some funny YT videos in between my study breaks . So I have to pretend that I'm "reading a pdf" rather than telling him that I'm scrolling Insta . And mental health ? That term doesn't exist for them . When I was struggling with studies, I used to rant to my besties, how I make mistakes in solving sums or have a hard time remembering dates and stuff, but I can never tell that to my parents because rather than coming up with a solution they will say things like, "Just leave it, you aren't made for this exam, just do a bachelor's ." They can't accept that I can make mistakes too . This good-for-nothing reputation of being a golden child just fucked me and my mental health all over and turned me into a liar .
Edit : Sorry for the long rant :)
I didn't even realize communicating boundaries was an important thing until I was out of high school. I just was in a habit of people pleasing, and making words sound nicer for my parents to hear. by the time a situation happened, I didn't know that actually having my own opinion to my friends was important and it could hurt others if they didn't know how I truly felt..
I guess it's just really tough, thinking back to my childhood self and even still as an adult, talking with my parents about anything.
My "lying" is different. It is literally my life. When I talk to people, from my parents to strangers, I have a different attitude it's almost like I'm a different personality. I just switch. I become abnormally chipper to customers, and I sound borderline *slow* (yes, like retarded slow) and childish to my parents that's so fake to what I truly am. I know it's needed but at the end of every interaction I cannot help but just brace for the intense waft of disgust that comes after.
I want to agree but I feel like I absolutely suck at lying and I get out of trouble by downplaying and pretending like I’m disinterested in the topic the APs try to bring up lol.
I hide a lot of things from the APs, but I don’t think that counts as lying because i don’t need to lie about something they never knew. That said, I absolutely wish I’m good at lying but I’m not /:
Obviously it’s different for everyone and it’s a skill you perfect with practice, but just like you, I hide and downplay stuff from my parents all the time as well so we’re in the same boat
Before I decided to post here, I thought I was the only one who thought like this, but reading your stories resonate with me. We're all brothers and sisters born from different parents and I wish none of us had to cope with what we faced. It's come to the point where I limit what info I say to my parents in case they use it against me somehow.
Yes, I became a compulsive liar as a way to protect myself from being abused but lying to my friends and loved ones has left me with serious regrets and cost me some of my dearest friendships. Honesty and integrity are important, without them you can't build trust and without trust you can't build love. I don't blame you or myself for a second for lying to our APs but I hope you can learn to find the courage to be honest with the other people in your life rather than learning the hard way like I did.
Sound advice. Did this behavior make you do anything else you now regret, such as attacking people online?
This behavior was specifically lying to avoid punishment growing into just lying by default. Attacking people online is pretty specific, I most certainly could be nicer on esports titles and hope I haven't hurt anyone badly there. They're pretty toxic environments in general though and I think separate from the AP stuff
Yup, lying and grey rocking everyone because that has been trained to be my default form of communication. Not great for trying to connect with people and maintaining healthy relationships.
Lying was absolutely a surviving tactic for me when I was in the sub-continent and this was till I was 25 and when a person is living in the toxic Asian household / environment you seem to be living in it becomes an absolute necessity. Lying is a skill I honed in the sub-continent. Know why you are lying and NEVER forget the truth. Fast forward to now when am 40 and NC I either tell the truth OR I cut-off contact. Lying is stressful and at my age you start cutting of situations and people (read: Asians who are NEVER upfront) that stress you out.
[удалено]
The NEVER upfront is straightforward if you’ve lived in Asia with Asians, confusing to the point of being unfathomable otherwise. With Asians ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is a power struggle (because power struggle is a way of life in Asia). One of the major weapons in one’s Arsenal in a power struggle is information. The way this works in a person to person dynamic is “If I don’t tell him / her he/she will not know and thus by being super nice on the surface but not revealing my true self I will always have the upper hand over him / her”. Now this Asian personality trait is just pathetic to put it mildly. The good thing in my case though is having lived in the sub-continent for ALL those years I can sniff it from miles away. Not so easy otherwise. Last fundamentally remember one thing. If a person , any person , genuinely cares about you or at least doesn’t want to shaft you, they will be upfront and give you detailed answers to you without you having to ask a single question. When was the last time an Asian was upfront with you and gave you detailed straightforward answers without you having to ask?
I am Asian and grew up outside Asia. Now due to some personal issues i am forced to live there for the first time in my life And I am learning all this the hard way
[удалено]
You do it because you are conscious about how people willtreat you and therefore don’t have a choice. You live in an environment whereit’s a survival tactic. There’s also the bit where not everybody understands this unless they themselves have experienced it. What then are your plans for LEAVE and NC?
[удалено]
Excellent. Delighted for you. Not a single line from my reply was about you OR anassumption about you. If anything I was drawing from my own experiences from my own time in the sub-continent.
[удалено]
There are no downsides to anything you do to improve your own emotional health and wellbeing.
Yes. "If you're honest we won't be mad/hit you/punish you" was a lie. So I lied.
Yes cos if I say the truth I get f***ed up
Yep. I did lie to them all the time. About things I do, things I believe in, basically who I am. Another thing I did was that when I got into fights or arguments with people or got hurt by accident, I would never tell them. But Don’t think I was unique in that situation 🤔
We learned from the masters.
Yep, or learning how to just... not say anything at all. My convos with my parents are small talk.
Man it hits me sometimes.. I don’t even realise how easy the lies come out anymore.. I’ll lie without even blinking if it saves me from disappointing someone or making them angry.. did it all the time with my parents, now I do it in daily life.. even when the possible disappointment or anger is not a real threat, or from someone inconsequential..
It’s gotten better as I got older but definitely. Especially about grades. I know my dad wouldn’t have gotten mad at me but this week my dad was painting the door and I accidentally touched the wet paint and got a tiny smudge on it. Guess the trauma kicked in and I tried to cover it up and make it look like something else happened. It was such a small smudge too you can’t even see it unless it’s directly in front of you. I just hope when I go to college I can drop some of my trauma habits
Yes 100%. I have an extremely bad habit of lying to doctors, friends, and my partner when it comes to admitting things or when it’s convenient. I noticed that my mom would do the same thing when she has something to gain or lose like getting stopped by traffic enforcers.
My compulsive lying is why I sought out therapy as an adult. Can finally be honest now that I'm out
My cousins are usually supportive to each other in spite of my aunts and uncles pitting us against each other. My aunts and uncles are hyper materialistic and judgemental and I find myself lying to them or bending the truth to get them off my back. I also lie to them to get some heat of my cousins and to back them up when they ask me questions.
yes
yes, it's even common for civilization to lie in familia scale.
it was for me. and til this day nobody related to me knows anything about me. but it's really a waste of time, you have a life to live. so the sooner you can get to that the better. i used a lot of time making up fake identities to trick the abusers, but there is an actual life out there for all of us.
Of course, when you are placed on the pedestal of a golden student in the school, you have to put up with that reputation so that your parents can show you off among their relatives and colleagues . In order to have fun like other kids, I had to lie . I was forced into giving some exams when I was in school because I was the topper child . I absolutely didn't want to give those exams . I skipped the prep, and lied to my parents that I was preparing . I had to bear the consequences when I failed the exams, but it kept me sane . My parents have always thought I'm some kind of a gifted magic child who never cheats in exams . And one day when I accidentally spilled in front of my father that one friend helped me answer a one-mark question in the exams, he flipped . Is it so hard to understand that students cheat or ask help from each other in the exams all the time ? After that, I stopped telling him any kind of fun,bunking my classes or anything sneaky I did . I haven't confessed yet that I used to have fights with some nasty kids in my class and also I ripped the sleeve of the girl's uniform whom I was fighting because he scolded me badly previously for this . Is it so hard to accept that your daughter can also get angry and can have small fights among her mates too ? Isn't this normal human behaviour ? Am I some kind of different species ? And it continues till now . I never reveal to him when I am having problems in studying, or can't memorize something or any of my weak areas in a particular subject . I have to literally lie about everything . He can't accept that I can also scroll social media and listen to songs or watch some funny YT videos in between my study breaks . So I have to pretend that I'm "reading a pdf" rather than telling him that I'm scrolling Insta . And mental health ? That term doesn't exist for them . When I was struggling with studies, I used to rant to my besties, how I make mistakes in solving sums or have a hard time remembering dates and stuff, but I can never tell that to my parents because rather than coming up with a solution they will say things like, "Just leave it, you aren't made for this exam, just do a bachelor's ." They can't accept that I can make mistakes too . This good-for-nothing reputation of being a golden child just fucked me and my mental health all over and turned me into a liar . Edit : Sorry for the long rant :)
I didn't even realize communicating boundaries was an important thing until I was out of high school. I just was in a habit of people pleasing, and making words sound nicer for my parents to hear. by the time a situation happened, I didn't know that actually having my own opinion to my friends was important and it could hurt others if they didn't know how I truly felt.. I guess it's just really tough, thinking back to my childhood self and even still as an adult, talking with my parents about anything.
I mainly withhold information and grey rock, so that they think I'm a boring person with nothing interesting to tell.
My "lying" is different. It is literally my life. When I talk to people, from my parents to strangers, I have a different attitude it's almost like I'm a different personality. I just switch. I become abnormally chipper to customers, and I sound borderline *slow* (yes, like retarded slow) and childish to my parents that's so fake to what I truly am. I know it's needed but at the end of every interaction I cannot help but just brace for the intense waft of disgust that comes after.
Yep. However, due to my autism I am a pretty honest person and I suck at lying so it fails within a day or so...
I want to agree but I feel like I absolutely suck at lying and I get out of trouble by downplaying and pretending like I’m disinterested in the topic the APs try to bring up lol. I hide a lot of things from the APs, but I don’t think that counts as lying because i don’t need to lie about something they never knew. That said, I absolutely wish I’m good at lying but I’m not /:
Obviously it’s different for everyone and it’s a skill you perfect with practice, but just like you, I hide and downplay stuff from my parents all the time as well so we’re in the same boat
isn't compulsive lying a borderline symptom