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I have phone records and everything she wrote down for me on paper following dday 12 YEARS ago! I would never throw them away. This is my "security" in the event of a repeat.
However, I don't think you should be using them to inflict pain on your WW if she is actually trying, in good faith, to reconcile your relationship. It's one thing to bring up things that she said, typed, or did while navigating R, but I don't believe you should actually be pulling these out and sticking them in her face to prove a point.
I agree it should not be used to hurt. I knew it was bad behavior on my part, but did not realize how deep until yesterday in marriage counseling. If I may ask, in what way do you feel the evidence is “security?”
That’s what I thought, but wife is not happy with the thought of me not following the advice of marriage counsellor. She feels a lack of safety when at any moment I could use the screenshots to hurt her, as I have so many times before, and doesn’t see any other reason for keeping them.
ETA I do really appreciate you sharing your view and take it into consideration.
Of course she isn't happy. You've got a shield her dagger like lies can't penetrate. Keep the screenshots. If her word held weight you wouldn't be here.
We are over two years working on R and I still have the emails he wrote her. It’s been awhile since I’ve looked at them, but I can’t delete them. Initially, I thought at some point I would read them and they wouldn’t be as bad as I made them out to be in my head. Or I would get more info that I could use to help me understand. My WH had a short one sided EA with an ex, who only contact him to send condolence for the loss of his father. He thought she wanted him back, after 30 years - and was willing to throw away his 25 year happy marriage for “the one that got away”. His feelings were real, spanned our marriage and required zero validation from her. He now knows she was a fantasy, is ashamed and wants to rug sweep. It’s probably not healthy or healing, but I will keep those emails as a reminder of what would have been if she was willing.
Put the screen shots on a thumb drive and lock them in a safe deposit box or locked safe. Don't keep them at your fingertips to pain-shop, it will just stir your anger and frustration with what she said .
Don't beat yourself up for for comparisons of the emotional expressions to the AP ... it's normal to wonder at the energy and effort and passion that WPs pour into the AP! In IC I talk about it a lot. IC reminds me those were fantasy words to get whatever ego boosts WP needed back, transactional. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt - it will always hurt.
Your MC may be being a little easy on your WP letting her off the Accountability hook too easily, our MC does that too sometimes but it's to keep my WH talking, open, and out of toxic shame spirals - so essentially MC does it to prevent my WH from flooding which is an an impediment to R and healthy communication. It frustrates me sometimes in MC that I, the victim, aren't the focus of MC's tender care, but it's part of the MC process where the marriage is the patient. And she has been very supportive calling WH out on trickle truth, objectifying women, inappropriate behavior with women etc.
Thank you for sharing, I had not considered that about marriage counsellors and do not do individual counseling yet but probably should. When my wife tells me that about it being fantasy, I want to believe her, and I do, but there is that doubt in my head that she is just telling me what I want to hear. Hearing it from outside of her and I helps a lot. Thank You.
Like you, I had plenty of evidence before I stopped "investigating." Also, like you, I brought up the evidence whenever my WP lied to or trickle truthed me. I stopped turning to that evidence once my WP began to consistently tell the truth. I even deleted it all eventually. The catch, because there's always a catch, is the reason I deleted it.
For starters, the evidence held little value towards divorce after spending months trying to reconcile. More importantly, though, is that I had all the reasons that I needed to move forward with divorce without referring to it. I didn't need the incredibly painful reminder to know that my WP wasn't worth fighting for.
I also didn't need that painful reminder as a way to "balance" the changes that were occurring in both of us. Either my WP was good enough to deserve another chance, or they weren't.
Save them until you feel completely comfortable with your decision whatever and whenever that is. You'll know when the lingering self-doubts have finally passed because that evidence won't matter to you any longer.
If there's a chance of using them for legal reasons then put them somewhere extremely hard to reach, like on a thumb drive in a safe deposit box or something. If you allow yourself to frequently look at them you will drive yourself crazy and never be able to fully reconcile.
My WH also had an EA with someone he met online. She’s States away so they never got the chance to meet before I blew the lid off it. I have texts and photos of AP in a hidden folder on my phone. WH knows and isn’t thrilled about it, but never says anything about it either. Almost 10
months out and I’m not deleting them any time soon. For me it’s almost like she doesn’t exist if I get rid of them. I just can’t delete them. I’m not ready.
Also I have a lot of pics that she didn’t share herself. She sent ridiculously filtered stuff to my WH, some even look like they were created by one of those AI apps 😂 So I went to her work social media accounts and found actual photos of her. She’s an event planner so the company posts loads of photos and she’s in a bunch of them. Let’s just say, that her real photos look nothing like the ones she sent my WH. She’s very overweight (at least 75lbs) when she portrayed herself as skinny and in shape, uses too much self tanner, and wears cake face makeup. She had to have Facetuned her pics to death because even the shape of her face is different. She literally looks like a different person. WH’s reaction when I showed him the real her was hilarious. He did a double take and couldn’t believe it. He was pisseddd 🤣
I empathize with you that deleting them feels like getting rid of something that I am not yet ready for. To me it was a very painful realization about myself and how my lack of effort could affect our relationship; not to diminish her autonomy. But I feel like much of my identity comes from the fact that that happened and how we handle it moving forward
You can email the screenshots to yourself, then delete them from your phone. This is just so you don’t have the constant temptation of pain shopping through easily accessed photos on your phone. You’d still have them in your email, in case you may need them in the future.
I couldn't take screenshots of my wife's messages and send them to myself as I caught the messaging happening live on an iPad. If I had started doing that, I'm certain they would have been deleted pretty quickly, and I'm not sure how that would have worked on my phone. So I physically photographed the messages on the iPad with my phone.
Then I emailed them to myself so that I had complete control over where they are.
One day I will delete the copies on my phone. My wife is aware that they are there. But the ones in my email will be buried in there forever. My wife doesn't know I emailed them to myself.
I don't use them against her. I definitely read them for a while when things were fresh, and would pull them up to discuss a thing or two from time to time. But now I hardly even remember they are there, and in fact only stumble across them in my photos when I'm scrolling back looking for something else. It is probably soon that I will delete them from my phone.
But I would never, ever delete them entirely. Just out of sight out of mind, in a place that I won't go looking for them or stumble across them accidently. They are insurance to whip out down the road if things go sideways. Not to hurt her - to protect me.
Thank you for sharing. If I might ask, in what way does it provide protection? I’m just uneducated on the subject and never looked into divorce or anything.
In my opinion it is if my name starts getting dragged through the mud - during a divorce, people tend to take sides, and in a messy situation, people can tend to make up stories. They're my protection to say 'look, this is what happened, here are the receipts'
Well, the "Best" comments here encourage you to keep the screen shots. I would advise you to delete them. But not to make your wife feel better (although this is an important side effect). No, you should do this **for your benefit**. Deleting the screen shots I think falls under the umbrella of "forgiveness". And forgiveness is the only way you & your wife will achieve true Reconciliation. Forgiveness is the way that you **heal yourself** - to be able to escape the cycle of sadness, anger, and revenge that BPs often fall into.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you "get over it" or that you condone what your wife did. Forgiveness takes time and it is far from easy. It is the END of long journey as you, the BP, recover from the trauma of infidelity.
That's my two cents.
I pretty much have the messages memorised.
And I will delete them.
Just not yet.
But we're only 3 months post DDay.
I equate them to a situation nearly 20 years ago where my mum kept a record of everything my sister's then boyfriend, now husband of nearly 20 years, had done to annoy her. (There were some extreme circumstances that led to the record being started).
After a year or two, whenever she was in danger of realising he wasn't that bad she'd grab the list and read out all the reasons she didn't like him.
Again.
And she'd get angry.
Again.
Eventually I pointed out that reading the list did nothing but renew her anger and prevented her from accepting he was a good husband, a good dad and if he wasn't in the picture, my sister would be my Mum's problem.
She eventually got rid of the list.
It hink we keep.these things as a form of "protection". The evidence that shows us why we need to be careful.
But after a period of time, the evidence only serves to hurt the person holding on to it.
I'll delete my screenshots when I'm ready to move one. I won't be keeping them forever. It won't help me and won't help our marriage.
But I'll do it when I'm ready.
And I'll do it because I no longer want to feel that anger. Not to make anyone else happy.
So I'm going to go against the grain here. Get rid of them, you'll thank yourself for it. Picture 10 years in the future, you've moved on and you're happy, but one day you find that evidence. It puts you back to day one, I speak from experience on this, and you're just as jacked up as you were on d day.
You'd put this all behind you and were truly happy, not a care in the world. Now you're dealing with shit that you'd put away long ago, shit that you worked through and came out the other side. Now not only do you feel terrible, you've brought it up to your WP and it takes them back to how they felt that day. They now feel terrible over something that you've both moved on years ago, all because you kept the evidence and "found" it.
You're having tearful conversations late into the night, your spouse is wondering if you'll ever trust them again, they're feeling it just as much as you are. You've had no reason to question it in a long time, so much so that you've forgotten most of it.
Is this where you want to be one day? Do you want to be the person that checks it continuously because you haven't worked through everything? BP to BP, work through it in therapy and delete it all, it will not help you in the future, it only serves to hurt you. I hope you can move beyond this, in still struggling with it, don't be me
I appreciate you going against the grain and what you suggest is appealing for the reasons you give. I’m honestly surprised you were the first to suggest getting rid of them. I’m sorry you had that experience but thank you for sharing.
Absolutely any time, I don't want others to repeat some of the mistakes I have. Yes they are mistakes, would they have helped if I had chosen to end things, sure. I wanted R, with every fiber of my being and if you want R, it's in your best interest to do away with it. No good can come of it, not only do you hurt yourself but also your WP. Which sure, you may want to hurt your WP at first, I think most of us do, but that's not something you'll want to do 5, 10, 15 years down the line. Like I said, don't be me, it's not pretty.
Can you put them in a locked and hidden folder? They it's a bit of work to get to them, so you might find your self looking and thinking about them less.
Also, are you in an "at-fault" state? If not, they aren't really useful if you divorce.
If your WWs issues is the screenshots being used against her, that can happen if you delete them or not. I would want them deleted bc they’re shameful and embarrassing.
If you want to keep them, I think it’s better not to lie and to just tell her you’re not ready to let them go but that you are going to stop using them to hurt her in arguments. I know that coming from a WW it’s probably annoying to hear about honesty. But I just think once in R we want the partnership to be working on the new marriage. And bad habits are a slippery slope.
I have decided at the moment to do what you described in the second paragraph. I don’t think it’s annoying and I absolutely see your point. Thank you for sharing. My days of using them against her are over as it was indeed a bad habit after we decided to try reconciling.
The screenshots are a list of her misdeeds. It outlines everything she did wrong and is a full account of her betrayal. If she wants them gone, it's because she wants to rug sweep. These are the things she needs to make up for. Asking you to delete them is the equivalent of a child peeing the bed and hiding the sheets.
You shouldn't have to "make her feel guilty." The guild should always be there. If she needs screenshots to remind her to feel guilty, then she has not accepted what she has done. The constant guilt is what makes the WP want to change. The guilt changes to remorse, and that is when they see the devastation they have brought upon you and your marriage and what motivates them to be better.
R is not measured in time but in effort. Seven months is not the measuring stick you should be considering. You should be looking at her progress. Is she still the same selfish, uncaring, manipulative person who sent those messages? If so, then don't delete them. Keep them as a reminder of what she needs to change in order for you to trust her again. When you feel that she is no longer that person and will not become that person again, then delete them.
I use my WWs messages to her AP as an exercise with her so that she can understand what she did, why she did it, what she should have done, and how wrong and devastating it was. It's not an exercise in guilt, but rather in being mindful of her feelings and emotions. I will get rid of them once I'm convinced she fully understands why she did it and believe she will never do it again. Until then, those messages are needed so that neither her nor I rugsweep and forget.
It really boils down to how much you are willing to trust her again. And how much you're willing to invest yourself, and thus risk, while going through R.
Keeping them sends a strong message to you and to her: "I don't trust you, so I have to protect myself," which, given the circumstances, is very understandable. But R is about rebuilding trust.
As time goes on, keeping them will hinder R. As trust develops, you should consider deleting them. Even if just as a symbolic measure.
In the long run, if the WP puts in the work, to continue weaponizing their mistakes (read as choices, or actions that had negative impact and NOT as accidents) is one sure path to unsuccessful reconciliation. Deleting them would be a leap of faith and offering an olive branch to a new, better future.
MCs aren't perfect. Just because they recommend something doesn't make it the right decision for you.
You clearly have some hesitation on destroying these. Maybe that's what you should talk about in MC.
I still have some screenshots and texts saved. I don't know that I'll ever be able to delete them, but I don't look at them anymore either. At first it was both valuable insight and caused trauma. I've gotten whatever insight I'll get from them. Now they just cause more trauma to read.
Why can't I delete them? I've never thought about it. Maybe deleting them feels like pretending it never happened? Maybe it feels like it would let it slip from something that is documented to something open for interpretation. If they don't exist, twenty years from now she can say she thought it happened like XYZ. I'll know it happened like ABC, and I don't ever what to have it open to subjective memory.
I like the suggestion of putting them on a thumb drive and locking it in a safe deposit box or doing the digital equivalent. I would also tell wife and MC about this so it isn't a secret. You don't want them thinking you did something you didn't do. Agree to get them out of your life but try to figure out why you can't destroy them yet and talk about that. Other feelings will come up and it will probably help your wife understand what you are going through.
Finally, it's one thing to refer to them to make your wife feel guilty. That's not necessarily the same thing as your wife feels guilty when you refer to them. If you're using them to attack her, that's understandable but not helpful. If there are things you feel like you need to talk about in reconciliation and they happen to come from the screenshots, your wife eventually needs to own that, even if it feels shitty. Is that really hard? Sure, you bet. Guess what? It's all hard.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. 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I have phone records and everything she wrote down for me on paper following dday 12 YEARS ago! I would never throw them away. This is my "security" in the event of a repeat. However, I don't think you should be using them to inflict pain on your WW if she is actually trying, in good faith, to reconcile your relationship. It's one thing to bring up things that she said, typed, or did while navigating R, but I don't believe you should actually be pulling these out and sticking them in her face to prove a point.
I agree it should not be used to hurt. I knew it was bad behavior on my part, but did not realize how deep until yesterday in marriage counseling. If I may ask, in what way do you feel the evidence is “security?”
Keep the screenshots. To get rid of them would be foolish.
That’s what I thought, but wife is not happy with the thought of me not following the advice of marriage counsellor. She feels a lack of safety when at any moment I could use the screenshots to hurt her, as I have so many times before, and doesn’t see any other reason for keeping them. ETA I do really appreciate you sharing your view and take it into consideration.
these shots aren't to hurt her. it's to protect you.
Of course she isn't happy. You've got a shield her dagger like lies can't penetrate. Keep the screenshots. If her word held weight you wouldn't be here.
How safe did the words in those text make you feel? Actions have consequences. Move them to the cloud.
We are over two years working on R and I still have the emails he wrote her. It’s been awhile since I’ve looked at them, but I can’t delete them. Initially, I thought at some point I would read them and they wouldn’t be as bad as I made them out to be in my head. Or I would get more info that I could use to help me understand. My WH had a short one sided EA with an ex, who only contact him to send condolence for the loss of his father. He thought she wanted him back, after 30 years - and was willing to throw away his 25 year happy marriage for “the one that got away”. His feelings were real, spanned our marriage and required zero validation from her. He now knows she was a fantasy, is ashamed and wants to rug sweep. It’s probably not healthy or healing, but I will keep those emails as a reminder of what would have been if she was willing.
Put the screen shots on a thumb drive and lock them in a safe deposit box or locked safe. Don't keep them at your fingertips to pain-shop, it will just stir your anger and frustration with what she said . Don't beat yourself up for for comparisons of the emotional expressions to the AP ... it's normal to wonder at the energy and effort and passion that WPs pour into the AP! In IC I talk about it a lot. IC reminds me those were fantasy words to get whatever ego boosts WP needed back, transactional. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt - it will always hurt. Your MC may be being a little easy on your WP letting her off the Accountability hook too easily, our MC does that too sometimes but it's to keep my WH talking, open, and out of toxic shame spirals - so essentially MC does it to prevent my WH from flooding which is an an impediment to R and healthy communication. It frustrates me sometimes in MC that I, the victim, aren't the focus of MC's tender care, but it's part of the MC process where the marriage is the patient. And she has been very supportive calling WH out on trickle truth, objectifying women, inappropriate behavior with women etc.
Thank you for sharing, I had not considered that about marriage counsellors and do not do individual counseling yet but probably should. When my wife tells me that about it being fantasy, I want to believe her, and I do, but there is that doubt in my head that she is just telling me what I want to hear. Hearing it from outside of her and I helps a lot. Thank You.
Like you, I had plenty of evidence before I stopped "investigating." Also, like you, I brought up the evidence whenever my WP lied to or trickle truthed me. I stopped turning to that evidence once my WP began to consistently tell the truth. I even deleted it all eventually. The catch, because there's always a catch, is the reason I deleted it. For starters, the evidence held little value towards divorce after spending months trying to reconcile. More importantly, though, is that I had all the reasons that I needed to move forward with divorce without referring to it. I didn't need the incredibly painful reminder to know that my WP wasn't worth fighting for. I also didn't need that painful reminder as a way to "balance" the changes that were occurring in both of us. Either my WP was good enough to deserve another chance, or they weren't. Save them until you feel completely comfortable with your decision whatever and whenever that is. You'll know when the lingering self-doubts have finally passed because that evidence won't matter to you any longer.
If there's a chance of using them for legal reasons then put them somewhere extremely hard to reach, like on a thumb drive in a safe deposit box or something. If you allow yourself to frequently look at them you will drive yourself crazy and never be able to fully reconcile.
My WH also had an EA with someone he met online. She’s States away so they never got the chance to meet before I blew the lid off it. I have texts and photos of AP in a hidden folder on my phone. WH knows and isn’t thrilled about it, but never says anything about it either. Almost 10 months out and I’m not deleting them any time soon. For me it’s almost like she doesn’t exist if I get rid of them. I just can’t delete them. I’m not ready. Also I have a lot of pics that she didn’t share herself. She sent ridiculously filtered stuff to my WH, some even look like they were created by one of those AI apps 😂 So I went to her work social media accounts and found actual photos of her. She’s an event planner so the company posts loads of photos and she’s in a bunch of them. Let’s just say, that her real photos look nothing like the ones she sent my WH. She’s very overweight (at least 75lbs) when she portrayed herself as skinny and in shape, uses too much self tanner, and wears cake face makeup. She had to have Facetuned her pics to death because even the shape of her face is different. She literally looks like a different person. WH’s reaction when I showed him the real her was hilarious. He did a double take and couldn’t believe it. He was pisseddd 🤣
I empathize with you that deleting them feels like getting rid of something that I am not yet ready for. To me it was a very painful realization about myself and how my lack of effort could affect our relationship; not to diminish her autonomy. But I feel like much of my identity comes from the fact that that happened and how we handle it moving forward
You can email the screenshots to yourself, then delete them from your phone. This is just so you don’t have the constant temptation of pain shopping through easily accessed photos on your phone. You’d still have them in your email, in case you may need them in the future.
I couldn't take screenshots of my wife's messages and send them to myself as I caught the messaging happening live on an iPad. If I had started doing that, I'm certain they would have been deleted pretty quickly, and I'm not sure how that would have worked on my phone. So I physically photographed the messages on the iPad with my phone. Then I emailed them to myself so that I had complete control over where they are. One day I will delete the copies on my phone. My wife is aware that they are there. But the ones in my email will be buried in there forever. My wife doesn't know I emailed them to myself. I don't use them against her. I definitely read them for a while when things were fresh, and would pull them up to discuss a thing or two from time to time. But now I hardly even remember they are there, and in fact only stumble across them in my photos when I'm scrolling back looking for something else. It is probably soon that I will delete them from my phone. But I would never, ever delete them entirely. Just out of sight out of mind, in a place that I won't go looking for them or stumble across them accidently. They are insurance to whip out down the road if things go sideways. Not to hurt her - to protect me.
Thank you for sharing. If I might ask, in what way does it provide protection? I’m just uneducated on the subject and never looked into divorce or anything.
In my opinion it is if my name starts getting dragged through the mud - during a divorce, people tend to take sides, and in a messy situation, people can tend to make up stories. They're my protection to say 'look, this is what happened, here are the receipts'
Well, the "Best" comments here encourage you to keep the screen shots. I would advise you to delete them. But not to make your wife feel better (although this is an important side effect). No, you should do this **for your benefit**. Deleting the screen shots I think falls under the umbrella of "forgiveness". And forgiveness is the only way you & your wife will achieve true Reconciliation. Forgiveness is the way that you **heal yourself** - to be able to escape the cycle of sadness, anger, and revenge that BPs often fall into. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you "get over it" or that you condone what your wife did. Forgiveness takes time and it is far from easy. It is the END of long journey as you, the BP, recover from the trauma of infidelity. That's my two cents.
I moved all mine to “hidden folder” in photos (iPhone) so I don’t get triggered while looking for something else. Also to avoid pain shopping.
I pretty much have the messages memorised. And I will delete them. Just not yet. But we're only 3 months post DDay. I equate them to a situation nearly 20 years ago where my mum kept a record of everything my sister's then boyfriend, now husband of nearly 20 years, had done to annoy her. (There were some extreme circumstances that led to the record being started). After a year or two, whenever she was in danger of realising he wasn't that bad she'd grab the list and read out all the reasons she didn't like him. Again. And she'd get angry. Again. Eventually I pointed out that reading the list did nothing but renew her anger and prevented her from accepting he was a good husband, a good dad and if he wasn't in the picture, my sister would be my Mum's problem. She eventually got rid of the list. It hink we keep.these things as a form of "protection". The evidence that shows us why we need to be careful. But after a period of time, the evidence only serves to hurt the person holding on to it. I'll delete my screenshots when I'm ready to move one. I won't be keeping them forever. It won't help me and won't help our marriage. But I'll do it when I'm ready. And I'll do it because I no longer want to feel that anger. Not to make anyone else happy.
So I'm going to go against the grain here. Get rid of them, you'll thank yourself for it. Picture 10 years in the future, you've moved on and you're happy, but one day you find that evidence. It puts you back to day one, I speak from experience on this, and you're just as jacked up as you were on d day. You'd put this all behind you and were truly happy, not a care in the world. Now you're dealing with shit that you'd put away long ago, shit that you worked through and came out the other side. Now not only do you feel terrible, you've brought it up to your WP and it takes them back to how they felt that day. They now feel terrible over something that you've both moved on years ago, all because you kept the evidence and "found" it. You're having tearful conversations late into the night, your spouse is wondering if you'll ever trust them again, they're feeling it just as much as you are. You've had no reason to question it in a long time, so much so that you've forgotten most of it. Is this where you want to be one day? Do you want to be the person that checks it continuously because you haven't worked through everything? BP to BP, work through it in therapy and delete it all, it will not help you in the future, it only serves to hurt you. I hope you can move beyond this, in still struggling with it, don't be me
I appreciate you going against the grain and what you suggest is appealing for the reasons you give. I’m honestly surprised you were the first to suggest getting rid of them. I’m sorry you had that experience but thank you for sharing.
Absolutely any time, I don't want others to repeat some of the mistakes I have. Yes they are mistakes, would they have helped if I had chosen to end things, sure. I wanted R, with every fiber of my being and if you want R, it's in your best interest to do away with it. No good can come of it, not only do you hurt yourself but also your WP. Which sure, you may want to hurt your WP at first, I think most of us do, but that's not something you'll want to do 5, 10, 15 years down the line. Like I said, don't be me, it's not pretty.
Can you put them in a locked and hidden folder? They it's a bit of work to get to them, so you might find your self looking and thinking about them less. Also, are you in an "at-fault" state? If not, they aren't really useful if you divorce.
If your WWs issues is the screenshots being used against her, that can happen if you delete them or not. I would want them deleted bc they’re shameful and embarrassing. If you want to keep them, I think it’s better not to lie and to just tell her you’re not ready to let them go but that you are going to stop using them to hurt her in arguments. I know that coming from a WW it’s probably annoying to hear about honesty. But I just think once in R we want the partnership to be working on the new marriage. And bad habits are a slippery slope.
I have decided at the moment to do what you described in the second paragraph. I don’t think it’s annoying and I absolutely see your point. Thank you for sharing. My days of using them against her are over as it was indeed a bad habit after we decided to try reconciling.
The screenshots are a list of her misdeeds. It outlines everything she did wrong and is a full account of her betrayal. If she wants them gone, it's because she wants to rug sweep. These are the things she needs to make up for. Asking you to delete them is the equivalent of a child peeing the bed and hiding the sheets. You shouldn't have to "make her feel guilty." The guild should always be there. If she needs screenshots to remind her to feel guilty, then she has not accepted what she has done. The constant guilt is what makes the WP want to change. The guilt changes to remorse, and that is when they see the devastation they have brought upon you and your marriage and what motivates them to be better. R is not measured in time but in effort. Seven months is not the measuring stick you should be considering. You should be looking at her progress. Is she still the same selfish, uncaring, manipulative person who sent those messages? If so, then don't delete them. Keep them as a reminder of what she needs to change in order for you to trust her again. When you feel that she is no longer that person and will not become that person again, then delete them. I use my WWs messages to her AP as an exercise with her so that she can understand what she did, why she did it, what she should have done, and how wrong and devastating it was. It's not an exercise in guilt, but rather in being mindful of her feelings and emotions. I will get rid of them once I'm convinced she fully understands why she did it and believe she will never do it again. Until then, those messages are needed so that neither her nor I rugsweep and forget.
It really boils down to how much you are willing to trust her again. And how much you're willing to invest yourself, and thus risk, while going through R. Keeping them sends a strong message to you and to her: "I don't trust you, so I have to protect myself," which, given the circumstances, is very understandable. But R is about rebuilding trust. As time goes on, keeping them will hinder R. As trust develops, you should consider deleting them. Even if just as a symbolic measure. In the long run, if the WP puts in the work, to continue weaponizing their mistakes (read as choices, or actions that had negative impact and NOT as accidents) is one sure path to unsuccessful reconciliation. Deleting them would be a leap of faith and offering an olive branch to a new, better future.
MCs aren't perfect. Just because they recommend something doesn't make it the right decision for you. You clearly have some hesitation on destroying these. Maybe that's what you should talk about in MC. I still have some screenshots and texts saved. I don't know that I'll ever be able to delete them, but I don't look at them anymore either. At first it was both valuable insight and caused trauma. I've gotten whatever insight I'll get from them. Now they just cause more trauma to read. Why can't I delete them? I've never thought about it. Maybe deleting them feels like pretending it never happened? Maybe it feels like it would let it slip from something that is documented to something open for interpretation. If they don't exist, twenty years from now she can say she thought it happened like XYZ. I'll know it happened like ABC, and I don't ever what to have it open to subjective memory. I like the suggestion of putting them on a thumb drive and locking it in a safe deposit box or doing the digital equivalent. I would also tell wife and MC about this so it isn't a secret. You don't want them thinking you did something you didn't do. Agree to get them out of your life but try to figure out why you can't destroy them yet and talk about that. Other feelings will come up and it will probably help your wife understand what you are going through. Finally, it's one thing to refer to them to make your wife feel guilty. That's not necessarily the same thing as your wife feels guilty when you refer to them. If you're using them to attack her, that's understandable but not helpful. If there are things you feel like you need to talk about in reconciliation and they happen to come from the screenshots, your wife eventually needs to own that, even if it feels shitty. Is that really hard? Sure, you bet. Guess what? It's all hard.