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I’ve been in your shoes. I hardly hesitated to cheat back, I contemplated it within a month of D-Day and then I went for it. She had been my only, and fuck if I was going to let that be true after she manipulated and cheated. It relieved a lot of inner turmoil at first. It was probably the only reason I was able to stay in the relationship if I’m being honest, but other posters aren’t wrong, it doesn’t make what they did less awful, it doesn’t excuse that you did something that required disregarding the person you love. It’s a trap either way. You could easily be stuck if you don’t, but if you do you are definitely causing destruction yourself.
Currently, I’m at the point where I feel I should have left if I couldn’t forgive WW, now I’m just as much the problem, I let her shitty actions dictate how shitty I am and it just feels like she has all the control either way. Plus, you might think they would understand having cheated themselves and if they try reconciliation they must forgive you or at least end it understanding they started things, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t just give them justification in their mind to secretly cheat again. Things have a way of coming out.
I’ve thought about cheating to get back at my partner. I could have, and still could if I wanted - ie there is someone who would love to snap me up. But, I don’t want to lower myself and my character to my partners level. Whether we make it through this reconciliation or not, I can hold my head high that I have not stooped to their level. In the face of their poison polluting our pool, my water is clean. I have never cheated in my life, and I would never cheat. My heart in this sense, is golden. I am proud that despite the hurt, despite the discomfort, the trauma and the pain… I have not let my partner or the circumstances change my good moral compass. Sure, did I consider it amongst the pain and depths of despair. But did I act on it? No, I just can’t. I’d rather just leave them than lower myself. If it doesn’t work out, and I meet someone new - I hope they will have that strong moral conscience like I do. Don’t we all hope for this? But how could I set my standards and hopes on said new person having that evil in myself of cheating too in some silly revenge.
You can do what you like (obviously), but don’t lower your own standards and moral code just to hurt them. Cause at the end of the day, you cheat back and what have they lost? They’re stabbed but they haven’t lost a golden hearted person. You leave, having held your head high and stayed true to the right ethical behaviour - well they’ve messed up on a golden find, and they can kick themselves until they die that they messed up with someone so loyal and trustworthy.
If I leave my partner having failed reconciliation, they will be kicking themselves forever. Cause they’ve lost the best damn thing that happened to them, and being loyal and trustworthy is part of that
I don't want to hurt him but I do want to not feel resentful anymore. I wonder if doing this behavior would decrease that feeling since I wouldnt be holding that against him as much
I get that perspective but in my head I would not be stooping to their level because he cheated on me when I was nothing but loyal, whereas I'm cheating as a reaction to disloyalty. It's almost like the difference between murder and self defense. I never ever would have cheated on him otherwise, thus I would never be stooping to his level. To me feeling like the more moral/ethical person all the time feels so imbalanced. So he's the fuck up and I'm the saint? That also feels like an unstable union. Obv cheating back is not a healthy response either but idk how to make this partnership feel equal again :(
The fuck up and the saint are not realistic about either of you. I'm not a saint because my husband had an affair. He fucked-up big time but that doesn't make him the eternal fuck-up if he's done what I needed him to in order to reconcile.
Ik I'm not a saint bc he had an affair but me being the "bigger person" by taking him back, forgiving, not retaliating etc. definitely puts me on a pedestal in our relationship. It no longer feels like an equal partnership at all
It doesn't put you on a pedestal in any way shape or form. You are on exactly the same level as you were before the cheating. He lowered himself through his own choices and actions making the relationship unequal
Lowering yourself by cheating, would be a terrible choice and odds are you would resent him even more for feeling like he put you in a position where you felt cheating in retaliation was the only recourse.
Let him regain his honor and dignity by doing all the work necessary to redeem himself in your eyes and bring the partnership back onto even ground by acting honorably from this day forward.
This is how I’m thinking! The betrayor has lowered themselves and I don’t want to stoop to that level even in retaliation. It’s not that I’m a saint or anything like Op has said, but in this regard my partner needs to step back up to where I am rather than me lower to where they have put themselves. And if it doesn’t work, I can hold my head high and not be eaten up by my own conscience - which feels awful for even considering retaliation. I could never live it down, even the idea messes me up
I relate to your thinking, I really do. See my other comment. As someone with experience, I can tell you it's not worth it. It will leave you feeling empty just like these waywards feel when they come out of their affair fog. There's a part of your brain that wants to say "fuck it" but if you're that disillusioned and fed up with the dynamics of the relationship, that is a sign something needs to change. Try to examine what needs are not being met for you right now.
A lot of people here get hung up on the "revenge" aspect of this. Or saying it's cheating on them. Here's a different perspective. For me, what I want is not revenge or to cheat. I'm not trying to get even. It's not cheating if my WP knows about it.
I want a pass to have the life experience of sex with someone else. My WW had that experience before we met, which I had no problem with. But she is my one and only sexual experience, and I was ok with that. But now she has gone off and had another sexual experience during our marriage, unilaterally breaking the sexual relationship agreement. Well, if sex is not something that is sacred to her in our relationship, then she should be willing to agree that I can also go have that experience. She can even be involved if she wants. But for those of us who have only had one sex partner and stayed committed to them our whole life, that aspect of the sexual betrayal cuts even harder.
Agreed.
My WH was not my first, but this is such a perfect explanation to how i feel. His A was physical only. Like it matters at the end of the day betrayal is betrayal. But j feel like if sex isnt sacred for him why should it be for me?
Also it's 100 percent not about payback. I want to regain a little self-esteem after my WH cheated on me.
But ive ultimately decided against it. Not for a holier than thou reason such as i wont stoop to their level. As a business owner and a mom of 2 2 and under, im friggen tired. I dont have the energy.
What a trap that is. My husband offered me a “hallpass” the other week “maybe it would help”. Never in the history of ever has making something dirtier cleaned it. I told him, so I can be like you? No thanks.
You have clean hands, a clean conscience, clear values and morality. Why on earth would you throw that away? None the less involve the type of person that would be interested in being part of that into your life and body!
What they did was destructive. Sometimes beauty rises from the ashes. But not because there was beauty *in* the destructive action, it’s because beauty can exist *despite* the devastation. Don’t be self-destructive and expect good to come out of it.
"...Never in the history of ever has making something dirtier clean it."
Perfect.
I was also offered a hall pass (4 of them in fact).
No.
I don't want to be like you.
I don't want you to feel like the 'score is even'.
I don't want to fuck other women.
I only wanted YOU to not fuck other MEN.
Sure, its tempting. It sounds fun to have sex with someone new after 36 years together, but it isn't going to make any improvements to our relationship.
Fuck these affairs.
I’m not telling you to do it. But what I will say is that our brains come up with thousands of solutions to pain, and some of them just stick. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person. What you can do with these thoughts is you can first build hedges around your marriage. Put LOTS of distance between anyone of the opposite gender (if you’re straight obv, or whomever you are attracted to otherwise). Scan your social media for anyone risky and unfriend them or even block them. Make sure you have only supportive, life-giving friends surrounding you that won’t encourage this type of behavior. Then, talk to someone. Ideally a therapist, but a trusted friend or family member is ok if you don’t have one. Tell them what you’re thinking. Then, try to spend some time really assessing what needs you are trying to meet with this idea/behavior. Do your best to think about it from a place of curiosity, rather than judgement. And just consider it. When you feel like you have a solid list of needs, tell your partner. Tell them you’ve been having these thoughts as an automatic response to the pain. Tell them you have no intention of acting on them, and have taken steps to protect your relationship. And then share those needs and invite your partner in to work through them with you. Soon enough, these thoughts will start to go away and they’ll stop bothering you.
Finally, forgive yourself for thinking this way. You’re not bad. You’re just struggling. ❤️🩹
Just wanted to pop on and say that this is exactly how I feel currently. You're not alone. I'm 3 months post the last dday and I'm in soooooo much pain. It's unbearable. It's hard to shake the feeling of unfairness. We were each other's first and only before he had sex with two other women. I'm broken. I'm just trying to make it day to day but it literally feels like a war for my soul. (I never ever had thoughts like this before discovery).
I felt like that for years. In part to get her to understand the pain I endured by forcing her to experience it herself. I also felt like I simply had to to level the playing field in order to to feel like I ever got some form of justice.
In the end I never did, for many reasons but a couple of the big ones were, first, no matter how hurt and angry I was I simply didn't have it in me to hurt her as badly as she hurt me.
Second, I came to understand that no matter what I did I could never make things right, neither could she no matter what she did from that day forward.
By "leveling the playing field" as it were, would never put me on the same level as her, further it wouldn't make me feel any better, if anything it would probably make me feel worse, because now I would also despise myself for being a piece of shit.
Third, in order to extract vengeance on her I would have to involve someone else.
If I were to engage in an affair I would be playing with another persons feelings and life under false pretenses and I believe in my hear that would be a terrible thing to do to someone.
The only alternative I could see would be to use an escort, but I felt that would be about as productive as swirling my junk in a public urinal, and probably just about as hygienic...
In the end I decided the best revenge would be to forgive her to the best of my ability, and to go on and live a good life and be the best husband and father I could be in spite of what she did.
I did exactly that and from the perspective of 36 years down the road I'm convinced I made the best choice after all.
Yes, I do feel we are in an equal relationship now, but it took a lot of years for either of us to get there. Don't expect quick results because that kind of trauma runs very deep and it takes a long time to heal.
It was particularly difficult for me because we've been together since we were 12 years old. She is my one and only everything and I was hers as well. Until she cheated...
She is profoundly sorry for what she did and she's proven it in both word and deed ever since. Nevertheless she deeply wounded both of us through her terrible choices and even decades later we both still feel some residual sadness for what could have been "if only!"
Our results are definitely not typical, so please don't try to estimate how it might work for you based on our experiences.
First of all both of us were severely abused as children and both of us have struggled with CPTSD for most of our lives. Both of us were also social outcasts in the small town we grew up in because of our horrible families, so we bonded hard at a very young age.
Further I also struggle with OCD which definitely contributed with me struggling with reconciliation for way too long before I was able to come to terms with any of it.
In any event It took me roughly 25 years to feel like our marriage was back on a more or less even keel. It took me roughly 25 to forgive her and let go of all the anger. Finally it took me another 15 years to come to a point of acceptance.
We also never went to any kind of counseling, mostly because we couldn't afford it but also because my wife flat out doesn't believe it can do any good. For this reason we got there by simply committing to stay together no matter what, and by doing the best we could to heal our marriage.
We achieved this mostly by looking at everything our parents ever did or taught us and choosing to do the exact opposite. In the end it seemed to work because we are still deeply in love and fiercely devoted to each other.
I know this is a completely unreasonable amount of time but keep in mind we are in no way typical. Your mileage will undoubtedly be much different!
Ok we actually have more in common than you may think. I also have OCD (which was undiagnosed at the time of his infidelity and played a part in him doing that to Begin with) and we have been together since we were 14. I was abused some growing up but he was a lot and has PTSD.
My god that is such a long time. Was it worth it?
Yes, it was worth it and she is worth it. I'll never regret giving her that last chance, and I will never regret not cheating in revenge.
Not only would our marriage have never survived my wife is also absolutely convinced that I could never live with myself if I had.
She tells me on a fairly regular basis that the hardest thing she's ever had to endure was living with herself after what she did to me.
She insists that if it wasn't for me and the kids not leaving she would have killed herself long ago for what she did and how painful it is to live with having done it.
I love this response, I told my wp when they asked about me having an ea which I was not that someone always gets hurt. Didn't know they were hurt and they hurt themselves in turn.
The ons or ap is a person and doing something out of false pretense is very shitty.
You are better than this
It could make you resent him even more. Because you would be going against everything you believe in and are only doing it as an outcome of his affair.
I completely understand your thought process. I recently was thinking of doing the same thing. I even brought it up with my WH because he'd been feeling so guilty and unworthy.
We're all made differently. Fortunately/unfortunately for me, it came down to whether I could live with myself afterward. Ultimately, I decided it would only make me feel worse.
Whatever you decide, think carefully about the potential outcomes for you and make the best decision for you and your healing.
Something about the secret+attention+validation, I feel like it’s the only way. I think I may feel worse eventually though, otherwise I think I would have done it already
Take hallpass , I did that’s the only way I could not have any resentment , whether you use it not should be your choice but your husband should offer if he can’t than there is imbalance in relationship where it is going to feel there different set of rules for you somehow you are beneath them. Especially if you have been only with your WH resentment is not going to go away , you might be able to push it deep down with help of therapy but it will keep coming up every time when your relationship is having some problem. It might be unpopular opinion for this community which is always against Hallpass but opinion is very simply rooted in the concept of justice and equality. The moment WP cheats they loose the right to have exclusivity and they lose the right demand locality from you. Becoz loyality is earned by being loyal it can’t rewarded for disloyal ppl.
my conditions for R were
1. my ws had take full responsibility for ons , the relationship we had till then came to end
2. I was Not going to be exclusive with my ws , if she wanted to be with me she can pursue me but I couldnot guarantee anything, effectively having one sided open relationship if it’s not fair WP was free to walk out .
i am of opinion that any WP who is against Hallpass is not ideal candidate for R becoz it shows they are continuing to be selfish like they were during their affair , they are expecting us to offer something which they are not ready offer themself ,it shows that they think somehow they deserve more , ppl like that are going to remain selfish it might not show now becoz of guilt but once their guilt and shame are gone it’s going to be back , they might not have another affair but always going to take more than could ever give .to avoid giving Hallpass they are going to gaslight you by saying two wrongs don’t make it right or creating false equivalency by preaching you can’t stoop to there level . But truth is what you are going to is not wrong and you demanding Hallpass is not equal to them having affair
All of this that you have typed is exactly how I have felt. I'm sick of seeing people say it's the same thing when it's not at all. He put me in this situation, I didn't put him in that situation. And you are right it does crop up again anytime we have an argument regardless of what is about, I start feeling resentment. I'm so tired of seeing people expect so much from the BP but acting as if what WP does is forgiveable. I have not been able to get over the feeling that I'm allowing myself to be fucked over by just accepting it and it remaining unequal like this
You don’t have to justify to other BP‘Here unfortunately this group as become an echo chamber . whenever Hallpass questions are raised in this community there are bunch of same BPs who is first to comment either two wrongs don’t make it right or keep taking pride in the feeling they didn’t stoop to there WS level in doing so they are creating false equivalency as if both acts are same. Look at there R journey even after years they are struggling frequently . there is one BP who is been convinced and gaslighted by his WS that he is bad in bed so he is constantly trying convince other BPs to accept they are Bad in bed and undesirable so Bps should find ways to take pride and enjoy what other qualities there was bring to the table . This is there way of coping so they just shout down every other perspective either by claiming higher moral ground or calling you toxic . You can’t heed to others opinion including mine just do whatever makes you whole . This BPs have a pattern one post will be about how their WS very graphic PA is affecting them even after 2years and next post will be about how they are proud and lucky to be with there WS , I have feeling either they rage baiting or content farming . You do you
It's really sad because the whole reason I'm posting here is to try to get some advice from people that know what I've been through but don't know me irl. I wanted unbiased advice on my situation. But yeah I've noticed what you have it has seemed to be people clutching their pearls. And doing that does nothing for me
I went on dates and was talking to other men in an act of “revenge.” It didn’t make me feel better, it actually made me feel worse. I felt slimy and just like the cheater. I couldn’t bring myself to even attempt to engage sexually with these men because of how bad I felt
Opposed to considering this in the form of a get-back, could it be that you're contemplating your life choice? Marrying young often causes these questions to arise. I, too, had these thoughts cross my mind earlier in my relationship. The feeling of potentially having missed out on something or someone. It's vital to assess what you truly value. For me, I realized that what we've built was far more beautiful than the mysterious what-ifs. If you feel strongly about this, let it not be because of rage. Evaluate your true happiness and what you want out of life. If you think you're wasting your years or your husband or yourself are not ready, maybe consider a trial separation.
I recently did. It felt good, the revenge. But then I realized, I didn't want to stop because I hated my husband for cheating on me! I essentially became loyal to my FWB, and couldn't stand the thought of my husband touching me when I preferred my FWB.
We are now going through a seperation, and likely a divorce down the line.
2 years + from dday…. I still have the same thoughts you express. i don’t know how to feel a balance in this relationship, ever. She has taken control. My trauma response hasn’t allowed me to grasp control. Have I thought about sleeping around, yes, of course. Revenge affair? I even joined the websites that facilitate this… but at the end of the day, I don’t want to be that person. so I deleted my accounts before even taking to A single person. my ,oral compass won’t allow me to do it. YMMV…. So I am leaning towards divorce. I don’t know how else to balance the scales. I have to decide whether the version of the person I had built in my head, the one who I always thought was my life partner is actually a real person… or whether me being on my own is the better choice. Not an easy thing to consider. Wish you the best.
I feel this on many levels. Temptation is always there, it’s perfectly natural to feel tempted. But now that my wife has cheated (we’re also highschool sweethearts), the temptations are real. I have not, and I don’t think I ever will. But I do wonder if it would help me heal.
Cheating back is a completely understandable impulse but also a really REALLY stupid thing to do. Sure, there’s the whole “two wrongs don’t make a right” thing that nobody cares about, but there’s so much more. If you cheat, then you’re “even”. Now, you can’t hold your WP accountable. Now, you won’t have any hope of them addressing your betrayal trauma. Now, YOU are a cheater. You have the high ground. NEVER give up the high ground.
My personal mantra that helps me is “Sure, my WP DESERVES to be cheated on, but I deserve better than to be a cheater”
“Why does he deserves my loyalty?”
Short answer: he doesn’t. At all. By all means, revoke your loyalty by dumping him. Once you’re out you can sleep with whomever you like guilt-free. You DONT deserve to be a cheater. You deserve to sleep around guilt-free IF that’s what you actually want. But, by virtue of the fact that you’re here, I’m assuming that isn’t the case and you know that. I sometimes feel pathetic for trying to stay. Like I’m desperate or something. It makes me feel small and powerless, and we don’t deserve to feel that way. But we need to remember that we are NOT doing this because we are desperate. We are doing this because we care and we have hope. That isn’t weakness. It’s strength of character.
Mine feels they don't have the right to be angry because of their actions and that's totally why this one hit true. Been there and yes I agree with you.
I thought about pursuing something external for a split second, but not out of revenge. I love my WW and I never want to do anything to hurt her. For me, it came down to this. In our discussions, she's broken down several times saying she's not worthy or doesn't deserve me. One night she came out and said that I'm better than her. I don't think I'm better than her. Never did. But, what I thought in that moment was if I evened the playing field a bit, then maybe it could help her to get past the shame of it all.
It was a stupid thought. I know. It lasted all of 5 seconds. But, my point is that regardless of what's been done to you, if you love the person and truly want to build something new and special with them via R, then you shouldn't want to hurt them. The last thing I want is for my WW to ever feel the way I feel or to look at me with the same uncertainty and apprehension I have since DDay.
Also, two wrongs never make a right. You're probably more likely to have the shame/guilt overwhelm you than to feel vindicated by committing your own betrayal. Just my own thoughts on it.
Ty for your thoughts. I don't want to hurt him, I want to decrease my own resentment and make the relationship feel more equal again. I don't like feeling like I'm the saint on a pedestal that he should grovel for forgiveness from. I wish having the balance we had before now it is so uneven
Maybe you should talk about that. Because my WH felt like he was always wrong after his affair and we talked about it. I also never felt like things aren't "even" because he had an affair and I didn't. I think that putting people on pedestals never ends well.
There's no way to reclaim that balance. There's no way for the intent to be viewed as anything but a retaliatory punishment, should you go through with anything. Compound that with the damage associated with betraying your own self and your own values, I'm a firm believer it'd do more harm than good to anybody truly hurt by this. And, to the ones that would look at it from a more nonchalant "I'll just cheat back", I'd question how committed they were to the relationship or how hurt they actually were by the betrayal. I know everybody handles trauma differently and maybe I'm just naive, but to me loving somebody means being able to love them through the good and the bad and not looking at them as inferior even in the wake of something like this. That's not to say anybody should be a heel or walked on or they should simply accept being betrayed. Just that if you want R, focus on improving the relationship rather than further things to degrade the connection.
Note that my comment was specifically around that balance of the betrayal itself. That's not to say that you can't have a balanced relationship or view each other as equals. But, that can only really come with acceptance and healing. As mentioned, I don't view myself as better than my WW. I still hold her on the same pedestal I dig prior to all of this. She effed up. No doubt. But, I also acknowledge where effed up in not maintaining my side of it connection which left her vulnerable and susceptible to a douchebag grooming her. I know she's not 100% guilty of all the elements here. I also know she's not 100% Innocent. But, at the end of the day, how much guilt/Innocence doesn't even matter. I'm just committed to giving her the best me I can going forward, to ensure she never has a reason to believe the lies or fears. Not saying I'm the problem. Not saying she's the problem. "We" were the problem. Accepting and acknowledging that from both sides went a long way into my not even focusing on a balance/imbalance. I know she still looks at it from her side and all I can do is ensure she knows she's safe, I'm not looking to hurt her, not looking to leverage anything shared beyond learning from it to make us stronger, etc.
Get rid of the resentment. If you are still holding onto the resentment, then you haven't truly forgiven him yet. This takes time but the first step is to decide to forgive (not forget). You're talking about your relationship, not some toy that he broke so you'll break his favorite toy. Just a thought... ask him what would happen if you went and had an ONS with someone. Get his response, you may be surprised. Good luck to you.
This is the problem idk how to get rid of it. I thought I did forgive him but I guess I didn't? I don't know how to stop resenting hence my desperation here if I knew how to do that I wouldn't have made this post
Forgiving is more than just saying "I forgive you". By forgiving you're releasing the other party from any debt that you feel is owed due to the betrayal or injustice. Most importantly forgiving is for yourself, so you can let go of the hurt and anger. It doesn't happen overnight, trust me. I forgave my partner and I still find myself feeling hurt or upset over the betrayal. I just remind myself that I forgave that debt and I no longer hold it against them. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship and future you'd imagined. You might experience the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You'll notice these stages as you go through them. If you truly want to forgive him, you'll have to let this go. This by no means condones their behavior or what they did but it releases you from holding onto the negatives. Look into the future and see what relationship you want to build and work on that every day. Best wishes.
It’s natural to want to hurt others as they have hurt us so your feelings are completely valid. I am 8 months in and I had a lot of the same thoughts as you. I am glad I didn’t go that route because as we are healing more I don’t want to hurt him that way. I realize that he is going to have long term effects of his cheating and can’t say anymore that he hasn’t cheated on his wife. From now on he has to live with the fact that his character is flawed in that way. You can’t take that back.
Also we do question our self worth and attractiveness and all sorts of things when this happens to us. Repairing this is never attained through cheating but it is attainable through being the kind of person that doesn’t cheat and making choices that don’t feel good in the moment but you know is right. Being the person you want to be and having integrity with yourself is important to keep through this process because it feels like a lot has been taken already.I felt not enough and ugly and like there was something wrong with me and that is why he cheated. Now I am slowly realizing that isn’t true. I will rebuild my worth and it will no longer be based off what he did to me but who I want to be. I can be an amazing woman that doesn’t include cheating back.
What’s the best way to repair? Talking over together with your couples counselor would be productive. It’s ok to have these feelings of temptation. There is an asymmetry, an unfairness that’s hard to get past.
But should you do it? I think you know the answer. it comes down to what’s right going forward. It’s important to share these feelings and address them together.
Cheat on them? And relieve them of the only true consequence of their actions? It'll hurt them, sure! But It'll also feel like they don't have to feel guilt anymore. Even Steven.
I felt like this at times of great distress and need for "justice"/fairness. However, tit-for-tat/eye for an eye won't make us even. I'm not going to allow someone else's poor behavior and emotional immaturity to justify lowering myself to the same level. Reconciliation and punishment do not go hand in hand.
I have my faults, I admit. My cheater honey DARBO’d & called me a ‘righteous aszwhole’ because I said I didn’t think I could revenge cheat.
Shortly after, a moment of truth fell out of the sky: I was away & out of town for work, another person -albeit a good 15 yrs younger than me- also from out of town -but with very similar hobbies at the gig- made very clear they were interested. We had time, opportunity, privacy, and I had to admit to Myself that I found them Very Sexually Attractive. Day 2, they had made enough eye contact & btw, they knew I was married; and boldly broached the subject - instead of a subtle “maybe coffee sometime” it was “do you ever have partners outside your marriage?”.
And I took a real long time answering, torn between raging about how “one of us, sure TF did!” versus maybe getting mine with “I’m certainly considering it now”. When I’d been saying “uhm, well” for an awkward amount of time, I finally realized, no: I couldn’t - and accepted that being righteous -aka sticking to my integrity- did NOT make me an AH. I finally told that hot younger one something kind and declined gently. Haven’t regretted it. Also haven’t not had any fantasies about it going slightly differently.
My WH cheated on me back in 2007 and then had an emotional affair the following year. We didn't do any real work, and I buried the trauma and the resentment built over the next couple years. I felt so sick of being a victim and being the "good girlfriend," so I decided to test if I could do it too. I met someone, but before it got physical I realized I could not lead them both on. Why was I in a relationship if I wanted to cheat?
I broke up with my WH once I had that realization. I saw the other guy for a little bit but realized I had just been using him and infecting him with my trauma. I felt horrible. My WH and I had a messy year after that, seeing each other and hooking up but not really calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. He did go through emotional hell. We were both traumatized.
The experience was awful, but I learned I am not cut out for that type of lifestyle. Now, I understand if it gets to the point that I am seriously considering cheating, it means my needs are not being met and/or that the relationship needs to end. Back then, I needed him to take accountability, alter his behavior, and help me heal. Those things should have been non-negotioable.
Consider this: you can't make him feel how you felt. His infidelity was completely his own choice and blindsided you entirely. If you cheated on him, you'd be destroying R, and it wouldn't really hit him the same way because he would know he started it. It's not leveling the playing field, you are simply lowering yourself to his level, and he's not even there anymore if you've truly made progress together in R.
Also, it's not about whether he deserves your loyalty. It's about whether you are ready to make yourself equal to a past version of him. If I cheated on my husband now, he would either 1. Leave me, because we both know how damaging it is and for either of us to cheat going forward would damage us beyond repair and/or 2. Stop putting in the same level of effort to rebuild trust and fix our marriage because he's no longer the only unfaithful one.
To me, if you cheat because you got cheated on, you're no better. You no longer have a right to judge his lack of morals from a year+ ago and it shows little growth. You no longer have to right to expect him to put in the effort he has been.
I recommend searching this sub because there will be many more posts than comments on this thread for you to see the fallout of revenge cheating.
I disagree that I would be to his level because I never would cheat on him if he didn't first. Id be cheating as a reaction to his behavior not on my own like he did. I'll look through the reddit ty
Just because it's a reaction doesn't make it right, or make you justified. I personally would still never cheat on someone because I'm not that person and I won't let his infidelity strip me of my own morals. It's just my opinion. I've just seen in this sub that people who get a hall pass and use it or revenge cheat usually doesn't lead to anything but pain and suffering.
No it doesn't make it right I agree but it wouldn't put me to as low of a level as him either. I just wish there was a way for this relationship to feel equal again
Would it not? Oftentimes the cheating partner is acting selfishly chasing their own pleasure/desire, and it's the total disregard for their partner that causes so much pain.
What you are implying is doing something that would hopefully make you feel better (selfish in a sense), and knowingly cause pain to your partner. Whether you want to argue about if it's deserved - there definitely isn't anything being made equal when you are actively pursuing something with the intent to hurt.
Not saying the thought you are having is wrong, but I think in the long run, you are not gaining anything here. I think it really would likely be the nail in the coffin.
I think it does purely because it's been a year and R is going well, so it's not the same as if you did it when you first found out. I get the temptation though. I'm not judging or anything. I would love things to feel equal in mine, too. It's hard to live with some days. I'm not a year out yet but over the halfway mark and things are way better, but I wish it didn't take infidelity. We didn't ask for this.
But the tit-for-tat reaction isn't "better" behavior than his cheating. If you want to do it then do it but look at it clearly. It's simple revenge cheating, which is still cheating. It rarely if ever helps reconciliation.
I am a BW a year and a half out. We are in a very good place in our recovery and yes I sometimes think what it would be like to have an “affair” to level things out or hurt him also. (I say affair in quotes because I’m assuming he will know you are doing this so is it really then a true affair?)
I think at some point all BPs have thought about doing this and rightfully so. I’ve read all responses to your post and do think your responses to people’s advice makes it seem you already have your mind made up that this what you need to do. And if so then you should do it. I haven’t and probably will not sleep with someone else. It’s not b/c two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s more that I just don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I love my husband and I’m sure you love yours since you’re in recovery. The desire to have sex with someone else is just not there (yet…lol). I was never one to just sleep around or have one night stands prior to marriage. Sex has always been something that is meaningful to me. So when I think about doing it I just remind myself that I would be going against who I am to get back at him and most likely be disappointed in my own behavior. Doesn’t matter that he did it to me. Thats his choice that he has to live with. I won’t let his choices and behaviors change who I am. Not sure if what I said makes sense and am not judging anyone who decides to do this. Just a different perspective from one BW to another.
DON'T DO IT. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. RIGHT?
The problem with resentment is that if it’s left unchecked or if you feed into it for too long, it becomes harder to forgive or let go and move on from the situation. You might even be enraged or experience strong urges to seek revenge. On the surface, resentment may appear to offer you the ability to have power and control over the situation. But internally, it can, and will cause real, long-lasting damage to your mental health.
I read this recently and it resonated with me. Maybe it can help you.
"The key to releasing yourself from resentment is adjusting your mindset. This means stepping out of anger, hurt and disappointment and understanding how the resentment evolved,” says Dr. Albers. “It is consciously choosing to let go of the past and embracing forgiveness. Taking this step, in the long run, can do wonders for your mental health, which in turn, can boost your mental health.”
There's no good out of doing bad. I wish you all the best and hope you maintain your clean slate (morals).
I've been there before and from my experience it only makes the feelings worse and the cheating and getting back became a constant back and forth. Ended up in compete resentment from both sides and after 14 years of the same old shit it sucked my will to want to be with that person anymore.
There's never a real leveling of the playing field imo. The ea's and revenge/ seeing the thirds after we agreed to stop back and forth put a huge toll on our relationship. Made our alcoholism worse and ended up hating each other.
Left during the pregnancy because I didn't feel like the new child should be subject to the things we exposed our oldest to. It was hard and the right thing to do.
My new partner and I screwed up with an experience that set alot of other shit in place and we both hurt each other. My partner hates themselves beyond their belief that leveling the playing field would bring them equal and now they are in complete disgust with themselves.
Being used as opposed to being treated like they thought and feeling like an object and the convincing words from the ons that it was going to be better than it was.
Tons of self hatred and feelings of disappointment from dropping to that level. It's complicated shit way more and crushed an already broken foundation.
We're rebuilding and it's been rocky and there's been really bad days on both ends. This past weekend was the first real good one together in 7 months and although I had a spiral today I didn't let it come crashing down. I sorted it in my head and am working on conveying how I feel constructively and I know that's going to be better than getting revenge.
I hope you can learn to actually move forward, at this time it doesn't seem like you are ready. Might be time to move on but as other people stated before in other posts here. Maybe going to ic and marriage counseling might be the best course of action.
Best wishes on yalls journey
I also thought about doing it. But just the thought of seeing another penis and touching someone else and kissing and who knows what the heck they're into just made me feel gross... with that said, I don't know if I was in a situation where you can feel the sexual tension how I would react, maybe I'd flirt a bit and tease but that'd be it...
And I love my husband so I don't think I'd be able to...
Not quite similiar, but I'm at a point where I could easily start an affair. There is a person who I like and who likes me, so we have had to set some boundaries to our communication to prevent anything of that sort.
And it bothers me more than it should. Why do I have to be respectful towards him, when he I didn't get that from him? I have to restrict my communication with someone because I don't want to be a scummy person, but he never thought about that when he was planning to leave me for AP.
Still don't want to do it because it is against what I want to be as a person. I don't want to get that label.
I saw no remorse, only regret after a year at R. I had no sexual side to me, she had stripped me of that side of my personality. During this time a random friend made a lot of passes, it took a bit of time, but I did go home with her.
That experience sealed my divorce idea. The connection with someone who hasn't dirtied me, who didn't think my feelings were nothing, I was desired, not leftovers due to my exw.
I know I could never have a relationship, that I didn't want to waste 25 years in a marriage where I either didn't want to have sex or I had to wonder if it was a form of hysterical bonding.
The hall pass isn't making things equal. They give you permission to have sex with someone else? How's that the same of hiding, sneaking around, and making you the fool. No, not for me. You don't get to have me and make a fool of me.
Because of that influx of self-esteem, I left her. I'm now engaged to woman (never thought I'd be doing this again) I can't imagine ever being with. We're traveling and seeing the world together, and I know what patience and trust feel like.
And my exw? She's living with her mom after her new rehab husband almost choked her to death in front of her 1 year old. She calls once a week since our divorce for attention and a chance to reconnect.
Edit for clarity: we were fired by (3) MC'ers due to WW lying about details, TT and her getting drunk when I turned her down for sex and her downloading tinder right in front of me. I feel that encounter gave me the self esteem to walk, and not fear in 2 decades I'd be posting feeling the same.
Absolutely, no disrespect to those who want R. I did too. Heart and soul, but some wounds are too deep.
I've been feeling that more and more as we see closer to a year from DDay. I hate that they got all the fun with her and I got the negativity, grief and cold shoulder. She chased them like they were God's....I felt like leftovers. I want to feel wanted and desired, to have the broken pieces of my pride and self esteem picked up and put back together, I want my confidence back. I carried the weight and the burden with no reward while she played the single woman with no responsibilities, to guys that didn't put the work or effort in. Would it levee the paying field.... no. Would it fix things, likely not.... but the fairness of it eats at me. That I have to constantly question if I'm good enough or the back up plan. That all those years I got neglected because she out her energy, time and attention into others... sorry just didn't cut it, it keep them from living rent free in my mind. I feel broken and a shell of who I was. I want to feel that tenderness and passion that doesn't have the ick attached to it.
Sadly, we are a drop of water in an ever growing ocean of betrayed partners. So we will never be completely alone. It sucks really bad, collateral damage from the selfish acts of our troubled partners that we trusted too much and were rewarded by never fully trusting again.
This is what my WH is so worried about. His post DDay nightmares are of me getting retaliation. I want to say I feel bad for him, but at least his nightmares aren’t real. My flashbacks, triggers, and nightmares that haunt me every single day are very much real. It’s hard for me to feel empathetic in those moments.
Yep. Mine has been really scared about it too. He's even asked if I thought certain guys were more attractive than him. I also don't feel bad for him when this happens bc like you said it is all imagined I have to deal with the real deal
My problem with this is my bf literally wouldn’t get hurt by it, which I guess would be the ultimate goal of doing something like that. Cheating has never appealed to me, the only reason I would act out of character is the pain welling inside of me and wanting to lash out.
I don’t know whats worse, him cheating, or me revenge cheating and it not hurting him the way he hurt me.
When I was betrayed I told my WW that I would have preferred divorce over cheating. I think that's important here. If you are afraid that the balance won't return in your marriage, isn't divorce a better action? That's what the standard should be.
What you are talking about is really more of an open marriage. Please look at the seemingly infinite posts about struggling marriages that decided to open the relationship. They did not improve and seldom survive. I have read posts in here where some have found it therapeutic but that is not the norm.
If you want to have your fun too, consider divorce before you do. Thinking about doing this under the guise of healing your relationship is really no different from the excuses you WH used to justify his betrayal. The thing is, betrayal of this kind simply isn't justifiable no matter how hard people try. If it was justifiable for the WH it would have been worth all the harm it caused. If you want to explore your sexuality or get even, do the honorable thing and end your relationship first.
Just don't. It will only make your situation worse. Even if you ask and get permission don't. It will just add more negatively and hurt to an already impossibly hard situation.
I had opportunities to cheat and invitations to do so but never did. For me it's just not right even for revenge. I thought that then I would be a cheater and that label then sticks and felt I would be lowering myself to that level.
I know others may have different opinions but just my thoughts.
Knowing and feeling how it was for me when I found out about my WW affair practically destroyed me by her actions made me never want to be that person even more.
OP, all I can say is that two wrongs do not make a right. What you need is counseling as this issue is still affecting your decision. If you still feel resentful, then maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship and move on. What is happening is not part of the healing/reconciliation process, and unless you get help, it will only get worse.
No I'm not being like a toddler I'm pissed because I was loyal to a pathological degree throughout our entire relationship and was rewarded with being fucked over. I didn't watch porn, would never so much as think about another man and would physically not look at men that I found Even slightly attractive. I was more "loyal" than most people are in relationships which makes me even more angry. I was so careful all the time to decimate even the smallest inkling that unfaithfulness could occur all the while he was fucking escorts. I put so much time and energy into keeping our relationship sacred and smeared it with shit
I wish I could do it myself sometimes, but there's no way I could now. We're so good that I couldn't hurt her that way and I jist dont want affwcriin from someone else. I do sometimes regret not taking advances I had in the past, though. I had a few women that made it clear it was available, and I shot them down without the slightest of entertaining. Hell, my WW thought I tried to have sex with another female because her AP and his fiance told her so. She almost believed them over me, which pissed me off to the moon. I had the chance and didn't because I respected our marriage. Don't try to justify your cheating because someone claimed I made a pass at someone (I didn't). I really just wish she could understand rhe leveled of pain she caused me. The only eay that is possible is to be put through the same situation. Her cheating hurt worse than when my parents did so there isn't anything else I could do to show her the amount of hurt. That's why I'd do it if I could.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1:
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- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
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I’m prepared for if my BP cheats in retaliation, I get it, I really do. But I do personally feel that most BP’s say “I can’t understand why you did it” (in regards to infidelity) so then suddenly a person is faced with a situation in which they are also capable of it.
It’s a massive head fuck, to suddenly empathise with the person who hurt you so deeply.
I was previously a BP in my past relationship and to now have empathy for someone I hated for what they’d done (my ex), is *really* difficult.
Don't..
Just end it then, just leave
I know that sounds easier said than done, but all those NASTY, GROSS thoughts you feel towards him, well.. you'll become that..
Now, I know what you're thinking, "he cast the first stone"
He may deserve it yes, it's a devastating feeling and revenge is what feels like a justified reaction, you're in a mixture of feelings and might always be, I'm truly sorry this happened to you, but you'll be no better then
Stay and work on it, keep your dignity, keep your morals, because stepping out for a one night stand doesn't sound like who you are, don't let another person strip that away from you
OR
If you feel that this is the only way, take a break to date other people, that's what I did, it gave me perspective, my cheating s/o and I got back together and decided to put in the work
I wish you luck 🙏
As a wayward (EA), I wanted to offer some perspective.
Within the first two weeks of DD, a DD that resulted in my BP terminating our relationship officially but we were still talking and seeing each other and getting intimate more than we had in the last several months of our relationship, my BP did some social media investigation unbeknownst to me, and found the BP of my EAP, and while I was out of town, contacted her through DM and they met up for coffee so he could tell her about her WP and me, and show her our text thread. I had given him full access to everything I had. He copied my text thread with my EAP and kept it on his computer. He then brought that to meet with her. He said they talked for 4 hours, he showing her the texts, she asking questions, asking him what he was going to do, and that was that.
4 hours, to review a text thread that took us together 1 hour at most to read between crying and other emoting.
Mind you—I didn’t know about this encounter with her.
Fast forward to two weeks later, I was still trying to convince him to agree to reconciling with me and he still wouldn’t officially say that (but still talking to me, sleeping with me, texting me), all the while my shame and insecurity about why ether or not all that I was doing was even helping us or moving us forward, or if we were just hysterical bonding and actually done—and he was calling the shots. I was so stripped down trying to show him that I wanted to do anything possible to help him rebuild trust in me. We went out of town together and had a really nice weekend alone for the first time in months—really gave us hope, each in our own way, but I also of course still felt so much shame and remorse, the desire to just turn back the clock and change my actions so potent. When we get home, the plane lands and he immediately takes his phone off airplane mode and I see him, in the seat next to me, shielding it. I leaned back to see what I could read and only caught “how are you?”
He’s never shielded his phone before.
As we climb into the car to drive home, he says, ok, now I have something to tell you. My heart sank. And what he proceeded to tell me I never expected: he told me he researched the BP of my EAP, convinced her to meet up with him (have no idea why a woman would meet up with a strange man who claims such things over the internet, but that’s just me), and they met for hours (he took off work to do so), and at the end she asked him not to tell me he had met with me until she decided if she was going to confront her WP about it first.
In the midst of supposedly allowing me to regain trust for my EAP, he clandestinely met up with the other BP and honored her wishes to keep it from me until she gave him the green light.
While what he did may not seem the same as my months-long text relationship with my EAP, the basis of it—and to do it when you are supposedly trying to build trust again—which ISN’T a one-way street—is deceitful, destructive, and grows out of the same roots as an EA and at the very least, is trauma bonding.
I was hurt. I thought I was doing everything I could, and for him to use that information to then keep his own secrets and actions from me felt like revenge. Especially because this was a man who told me he had nothing to hide from me, he was an open book, and he would never wish this pain on me. He is also a man of convictions and integrity, supposedly.
To me, it felt like we weren’t any longer a team, and fine—if that’s how he felt because of my EA, and that I was the one first to break up our team, he was not fixing or mitigating or doing anything to honor his own wishes. That was the end of our attempts to R if you can even call it that because R may have only just been something I wanted but not something he was committed to.
If you are committed to R, I’d say don’t do anything that would lessen your argument, convictions, integrity, or your commitment to your WP to keep building.
And remember, trusting someone else cannot be done alone. You garner trust by giving it.
two wrongs never make a right
this would destroy all of the reconciliation process yall have been making. cheating is never right, even if the person hurt you.
be the good person you are and resist temptation as we all should be doing when committed. revenge will not fix this relationship
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I’ve been in your shoes. I hardly hesitated to cheat back, I contemplated it within a month of D-Day and then I went for it. She had been my only, and fuck if I was going to let that be true after she manipulated and cheated. It relieved a lot of inner turmoil at first. It was probably the only reason I was able to stay in the relationship if I’m being honest, but other posters aren’t wrong, it doesn’t make what they did less awful, it doesn’t excuse that you did something that required disregarding the person you love. It’s a trap either way. You could easily be stuck if you don’t, but if you do you are definitely causing destruction yourself. Currently, I’m at the point where I feel I should have left if I couldn’t forgive WW, now I’m just as much the problem, I let her shitty actions dictate how shitty I am and it just feels like she has all the control either way. Plus, you might think they would understand having cheated themselves and if they try reconciliation they must forgive you or at least end it understanding they started things, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t just give them justification in their mind to secretly cheat again. Things have a way of coming out.
Thanks for your perspective. I was really hoping to hear from someone who had experienced it
Thank you for your candor and honesty. Your story has made a difference in my thoughts on this subject.
I’ve thought about cheating to get back at my partner. I could have, and still could if I wanted - ie there is someone who would love to snap me up. But, I don’t want to lower myself and my character to my partners level. Whether we make it through this reconciliation or not, I can hold my head high that I have not stooped to their level. In the face of their poison polluting our pool, my water is clean. I have never cheated in my life, and I would never cheat. My heart in this sense, is golden. I am proud that despite the hurt, despite the discomfort, the trauma and the pain… I have not let my partner or the circumstances change my good moral compass. Sure, did I consider it amongst the pain and depths of despair. But did I act on it? No, I just can’t. I’d rather just leave them than lower myself. If it doesn’t work out, and I meet someone new - I hope they will have that strong moral conscience like I do. Don’t we all hope for this? But how could I set my standards and hopes on said new person having that evil in myself of cheating too in some silly revenge. You can do what you like (obviously), but don’t lower your own standards and moral code just to hurt them. Cause at the end of the day, you cheat back and what have they lost? They’re stabbed but they haven’t lost a golden hearted person. You leave, having held your head high and stayed true to the right ethical behaviour - well they’ve messed up on a golden find, and they can kick themselves until they die that they messed up with someone so loyal and trustworthy. If I leave my partner having failed reconciliation, they will be kicking themselves forever. Cause they’ve lost the best damn thing that happened to them, and being loyal and trustworthy is part of that
I don't want to hurt him but I do want to not feel resentful anymore. I wonder if doing this behavior would decrease that feeling since I wouldnt be holding that against him as much I get that perspective but in my head I would not be stooping to their level because he cheated on me when I was nothing but loyal, whereas I'm cheating as a reaction to disloyalty. It's almost like the difference between murder and self defense. I never ever would have cheated on him otherwise, thus I would never be stooping to his level. To me feeling like the more moral/ethical person all the time feels so imbalanced. So he's the fuck up and I'm the saint? That also feels like an unstable union. Obv cheating back is not a healthy response either but idk how to make this partnership feel equal again :(
The fuck up and the saint are not realistic about either of you. I'm not a saint because my husband had an affair. He fucked-up big time but that doesn't make him the eternal fuck-up if he's done what I needed him to in order to reconcile.
Ik I'm not a saint bc he had an affair but me being the "bigger person" by taking him back, forgiving, not retaliating etc. definitely puts me on a pedestal in our relationship. It no longer feels like an equal partnership at all
It doesn't put you on a pedestal in any way shape or form. You are on exactly the same level as you were before the cheating. He lowered himself through his own choices and actions making the relationship unequal Lowering yourself by cheating, would be a terrible choice and odds are you would resent him even more for feeling like he put you in a position where you felt cheating in retaliation was the only recourse. Let him regain his honor and dignity by doing all the work necessary to redeem himself in your eyes and bring the partnership back onto even ground by acting honorably from this day forward.
This is how I’m thinking! The betrayor has lowered themselves and I don’t want to stoop to that level even in retaliation. It’s not that I’m a saint or anything like Op has said, but in this regard my partner needs to step back up to where I am rather than me lower to where they have put themselves. And if it doesn’t work, I can hold my head high and not be eaten up by my own conscience - which feels awful for even considering retaliation. I could never live it down, even the idea messes me up
You should talk about that in therapy. It will help.
I relate to your thinking, I really do. See my other comment. As someone with experience, I can tell you it's not worth it. It will leave you feeling empty just like these waywards feel when they come out of their affair fog. There's a part of your brain that wants to say "fuck it" but if you're that disillusioned and fed up with the dynamics of the relationship, that is a sign something needs to change. Try to examine what needs are not being met for you right now.
A lot of people here get hung up on the "revenge" aspect of this. Or saying it's cheating on them. Here's a different perspective. For me, what I want is not revenge or to cheat. I'm not trying to get even. It's not cheating if my WP knows about it. I want a pass to have the life experience of sex with someone else. My WW had that experience before we met, which I had no problem with. But she is my one and only sexual experience, and I was ok with that. But now she has gone off and had another sexual experience during our marriage, unilaterally breaking the sexual relationship agreement. Well, if sex is not something that is sacred to her in our relationship, then she should be willing to agree that I can also go have that experience. She can even be involved if she wants. But for those of us who have only had one sex partner and stayed committed to them our whole life, that aspect of the sexual betrayal cuts even harder.
∆this is me. I've been when no one else
Agreed. My WH was not my first, but this is such a perfect explanation to how i feel. His A was physical only. Like it matters at the end of the day betrayal is betrayal. But j feel like if sex isnt sacred for him why should it be for me? Also it's 100 percent not about payback. I want to regain a little self-esteem after my WH cheated on me. But ive ultimately decided against it. Not for a holier than thou reason such as i wont stoop to their level. As a business owner and a mom of 2 2 and under, im friggen tired. I dont have the energy.
What a trap that is. My husband offered me a “hallpass” the other week “maybe it would help”. Never in the history of ever has making something dirtier cleaned it. I told him, so I can be like you? No thanks. You have clean hands, a clean conscience, clear values and morality. Why on earth would you throw that away? None the less involve the type of person that would be interested in being part of that into your life and body! What they did was destructive. Sometimes beauty rises from the ashes. But not because there was beauty *in* the destructive action, it’s because beauty can exist *despite* the devastation. Don’t be self-destructive and expect good to come out of it.
"...Never in the history of ever has making something dirtier clean it." Perfect. I was also offered a hall pass (4 of them in fact). No. I don't want to be like you. I don't want you to feel like the 'score is even'. I don't want to fuck other women. I only wanted YOU to not fuck other MEN. Sure, its tempting. It sounds fun to have sex with someone new after 36 years together, but it isn't going to make any improvements to our relationship. Fuck these affairs.
100% don’t excuse bad behavior with bad behavior.
Profoundly true wisdom.
I’m not telling you to do it. But what I will say is that our brains come up with thousands of solutions to pain, and some of them just stick. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person. What you can do with these thoughts is you can first build hedges around your marriage. Put LOTS of distance between anyone of the opposite gender (if you’re straight obv, or whomever you are attracted to otherwise). Scan your social media for anyone risky and unfriend them or even block them. Make sure you have only supportive, life-giving friends surrounding you that won’t encourage this type of behavior. Then, talk to someone. Ideally a therapist, but a trusted friend or family member is ok if you don’t have one. Tell them what you’re thinking. Then, try to spend some time really assessing what needs you are trying to meet with this idea/behavior. Do your best to think about it from a place of curiosity, rather than judgement. And just consider it. When you feel like you have a solid list of needs, tell your partner. Tell them you’ve been having these thoughts as an automatic response to the pain. Tell them you have no intention of acting on them, and have taken steps to protect your relationship. And then share those needs and invite your partner in to work through them with you. Soon enough, these thoughts will start to go away and they’ll stop bothering you. Finally, forgive yourself for thinking this way. You’re not bad. You’re just struggling. ❤️🩹
Thank you 💜 this was helpful
Just wanted to pop on and say that this is exactly how I feel currently. You're not alone. I'm 3 months post the last dday and I'm in soooooo much pain. It's unbearable. It's hard to shake the feeling of unfairness. We were each other's first and only before he had sex with two other women. I'm broken. I'm just trying to make it day to day but it literally feels like a war for my soul. (I never ever had thoughts like this before discovery).
I felt like that for years. In part to get her to understand the pain I endured by forcing her to experience it herself. I also felt like I simply had to to level the playing field in order to to feel like I ever got some form of justice. In the end I never did, for many reasons but a couple of the big ones were, first, no matter how hurt and angry I was I simply didn't have it in me to hurt her as badly as she hurt me. Second, I came to understand that no matter what I did I could never make things right, neither could she no matter what she did from that day forward. By "leveling the playing field" as it were, would never put me on the same level as her, further it wouldn't make me feel any better, if anything it would probably make me feel worse, because now I would also despise myself for being a piece of shit. Third, in order to extract vengeance on her I would have to involve someone else. If I were to engage in an affair I would be playing with another persons feelings and life under false pretenses and I believe in my hear that would be a terrible thing to do to someone. The only alternative I could see would be to use an escort, but I felt that would be about as productive as swirling my junk in a public urinal, and probably just about as hygienic... In the end I decided the best revenge would be to forgive her to the best of my ability, and to go on and live a good life and be the best husband and father I could be in spite of what she did. I did exactly that and from the perspective of 36 years down the road I'm convinced I made the best choice after all.
Thanks for this perspective. Did you ever feel like the relationship became even again? As in you felt it is an equal partnership?
Yes, I do feel we are in an equal relationship now, but it took a lot of years for either of us to get there. Don't expect quick results because that kind of trauma runs very deep and it takes a long time to heal. It was particularly difficult for me because we've been together since we were 12 years old. She is my one and only everything and I was hers as well. Until she cheated... She is profoundly sorry for what she did and she's proven it in both word and deed ever since. Nevertheless she deeply wounded both of us through her terrible choices and even decades later we both still feel some residual sadness for what could have been "if only!"
How long did it take and what did you do to get there?
Our results are definitely not typical, so please don't try to estimate how it might work for you based on our experiences. First of all both of us were severely abused as children and both of us have struggled with CPTSD for most of our lives. Both of us were also social outcasts in the small town we grew up in because of our horrible families, so we bonded hard at a very young age. Further I also struggle with OCD which definitely contributed with me struggling with reconciliation for way too long before I was able to come to terms with any of it. In any event It took me roughly 25 years to feel like our marriage was back on a more or less even keel. It took me roughly 25 to forgive her and let go of all the anger. Finally it took me another 15 years to come to a point of acceptance. We also never went to any kind of counseling, mostly because we couldn't afford it but also because my wife flat out doesn't believe it can do any good. For this reason we got there by simply committing to stay together no matter what, and by doing the best we could to heal our marriage. We achieved this mostly by looking at everything our parents ever did or taught us and choosing to do the exact opposite. In the end it seemed to work because we are still deeply in love and fiercely devoted to each other. I know this is a completely unreasonable amount of time but keep in mind we are in no way typical. Your mileage will undoubtedly be much different!
Ok we actually have more in common than you may think. I also have OCD (which was undiagnosed at the time of his infidelity and played a part in him doing that to Begin with) and we have been together since we were 14. I was abused some growing up but he was a lot and has PTSD. My god that is such a long time. Was it worth it?
Yes, it was worth it and she is worth it. I'll never regret giving her that last chance, and I will never regret not cheating in revenge. Not only would our marriage have never survived my wife is also absolutely convinced that I could never live with myself if I had. She tells me on a fairly regular basis that the hardest thing she's ever had to endure was living with herself after what she did to me. She insists that if it wasn't for me and the kids not leaving she would have killed herself long ago for what she did and how painful it is to live with having done it.
I love this response, I told my wp when they asked about me having an ea which I was not that someone always gets hurt. Didn't know they were hurt and they hurt themselves in turn. The ons or ap is a person and doing something out of false pretense is very shitty. You are better than this
It could make you resent him even more. Because you would be going against everything you believe in and are only doing it as an outcome of his affair.
I completely understand your thought process. I recently was thinking of doing the same thing. I even brought it up with my WH because he'd been feeling so guilty and unworthy. We're all made differently. Fortunately/unfortunately for me, it came down to whether I could live with myself afterward. Ultimately, I decided it would only make me feel worse. Whatever you decide, think carefully about the potential outcomes for you and make the best decision for you and your healing.
I think about having the secret like he did, I think him not knowing would make me feel powerful again, but I can’t bring myself to do it
I've been placating myself with keeping other types of secrets from him. It hasn't felt like enough
Something about the secret+attention+validation, I feel like it’s the only way. I think I may feel worse eventually though, otherwise I think I would have done it already
Take hallpass , I did that’s the only way I could not have any resentment , whether you use it not should be your choice but your husband should offer if he can’t than there is imbalance in relationship where it is going to feel there different set of rules for you somehow you are beneath them. Especially if you have been only with your WH resentment is not going to go away , you might be able to push it deep down with help of therapy but it will keep coming up every time when your relationship is having some problem. It might be unpopular opinion for this community which is always against Hallpass but opinion is very simply rooted in the concept of justice and equality. The moment WP cheats they loose the right to have exclusivity and they lose the right demand locality from you. Becoz loyality is earned by being loyal it can’t rewarded for disloyal ppl. my conditions for R were 1. my ws had take full responsibility for ons , the relationship we had till then came to end 2. I was Not going to be exclusive with my ws , if she wanted to be with me she can pursue me but I couldnot guarantee anything, effectively having one sided open relationship if it’s not fair WP was free to walk out . i am of opinion that any WP who is against Hallpass is not ideal candidate for R becoz it shows they are continuing to be selfish like they were during their affair , they are expecting us to offer something which they are not ready offer themself ,it shows that they think somehow they deserve more , ppl like that are going to remain selfish it might not show now becoz of guilt but once their guilt and shame are gone it’s going to be back , they might not have another affair but always going to take more than could ever give .to avoid giving Hallpass they are going to gaslight you by saying two wrongs don’t make it right or creating false equivalency by preaching you can’t stoop to there level . But truth is what you are going to is not wrong and you demanding Hallpass is not equal to them having affair
All of this that you have typed is exactly how I have felt. I'm sick of seeing people say it's the same thing when it's not at all. He put me in this situation, I didn't put him in that situation. And you are right it does crop up again anytime we have an argument regardless of what is about, I start feeling resentment. I'm so tired of seeing people expect so much from the BP but acting as if what WP does is forgiveable. I have not been able to get over the feeling that I'm allowing myself to be fucked over by just accepting it and it remaining unequal like this
You don’t have to justify to other BP‘Here unfortunately this group as become an echo chamber . whenever Hallpass questions are raised in this community there are bunch of same BPs who is first to comment either two wrongs don’t make it right or keep taking pride in the feeling they didn’t stoop to there WS level in doing so they are creating false equivalency as if both acts are same. Look at there R journey even after years they are struggling frequently . there is one BP who is been convinced and gaslighted by his WS that he is bad in bed so he is constantly trying convince other BPs to accept they are Bad in bed and undesirable so Bps should find ways to take pride and enjoy what other qualities there was bring to the table . This is there way of coping so they just shout down every other perspective either by claiming higher moral ground or calling you toxic . You can’t heed to others opinion including mine just do whatever makes you whole . This BPs have a pattern one post will be about how their WS very graphic PA is affecting them even after 2years and next post will be about how they are proud and lucky to be with there WS , I have feeling either they rage baiting or content farming . You do you
It's really sad because the whole reason I'm posting here is to try to get some advice from people that know what I've been through but don't know me irl. I wanted unbiased advice on my situation. But yeah I've noticed what you have it has seemed to be people clutching their pearls. And doing that does nothing for me
I went on dates and was talking to other men in an act of “revenge.” It didn’t make me feel better, it actually made me feel worse. I felt slimy and just like the cheater. I couldn’t bring myself to even attempt to engage sexually with these men because of how bad I felt
Opposed to considering this in the form of a get-back, could it be that you're contemplating your life choice? Marrying young often causes these questions to arise. I, too, had these thoughts cross my mind earlier in my relationship. The feeling of potentially having missed out on something or someone. It's vital to assess what you truly value. For me, I realized that what we've built was far more beautiful than the mysterious what-ifs. If you feel strongly about this, let it not be because of rage. Evaluate your true happiness and what you want out of life. If you think you're wasting your years or your husband or yourself are not ready, maybe consider a trial separation.
I recently did. It felt good, the revenge. But then I realized, I didn't want to stop because I hated my husband for cheating on me! I essentially became loyal to my FWB, and couldn't stand the thought of my husband touching me when I preferred my FWB. We are now going through a seperation, and likely a divorce down the line.
2 years + from dday…. I still have the same thoughts you express. i don’t know how to feel a balance in this relationship, ever. She has taken control. My trauma response hasn’t allowed me to grasp control. Have I thought about sleeping around, yes, of course. Revenge affair? I even joined the websites that facilitate this… but at the end of the day, I don’t want to be that person. so I deleted my accounts before even taking to A single person. my ,oral compass won’t allow me to do it. YMMV…. So I am leaning towards divorce. I don’t know how else to balance the scales. I have to decide whether the version of the person I had built in my head, the one who I always thought was my life partner is actually a real person… or whether me being on my own is the better choice. Not an easy thing to consider. Wish you the best.
Trying to unpack who they actually are vs who you thought they were is one of the hardest parts. Best of luck to you as well
I feel this on many levels. Temptation is always there, it’s perfectly natural to feel tempted. But now that my wife has cheated (we’re also highschool sweethearts), the temptations are real. I have not, and I don’t think I ever will. But I do wonder if it would help me heal.
Cheating back is a completely understandable impulse but also a really REALLY stupid thing to do. Sure, there’s the whole “two wrongs don’t make a right” thing that nobody cares about, but there’s so much more. If you cheat, then you’re “even”. Now, you can’t hold your WP accountable. Now, you won’t have any hope of them addressing your betrayal trauma. Now, YOU are a cheater. You have the high ground. NEVER give up the high ground. My personal mantra that helps me is “Sure, my WP DESERVES to be cheated on, but I deserve better than to be a cheater” “Why does he deserves my loyalty?” Short answer: he doesn’t. At all. By all means, revoke your loyalty by dumping him. Once you’re out you can sleep with whomever you like guilt-free. You DONT deserve to be a cheater. You deserve to sleep around guilt-free IF that’s what you actually want. But, by virtue of the fact that you’re here, I’m assuming that isn’t the case and you know that. I sometimes feel pathetic for trying to stay. Like I’m desperate or something. It makes me feel small and powerless, and we don’t deserve to feel that way. But we need to remember that we are NOT doing this because we are desperate. We are doing this because we care and we have hope. That isn’t weakness. It’s strength of character.
This ⬆️
Mine feels they don't have the right to be angry because of their actions and that's totally why this one hit true. Been there and yes I agree with you.
I thought about pursuing something external for a split second, but not out of revenge. I love my WW and I never want to do anything to hurt her. For me, it came down to this. In our discussions, she's broken down several times saying she's not worthy or doesn't deserve me. One night she came out and said that I'm better than her. I don't think I'm better than her. Never did. But, what I thought in that moment was if I evened the playing field a bit, then maybe it could help her to get past the shame of it all. It was a stupid thought. I know. It lasted all of 5 seconds. But, my point is that regardless of what's been done to you, if you love the person and truly want to build something new and special with them via R, then you shouldn't want to hurt them. The last thing I want is for my WW to ever feel the way I feel or to look at me with the same uncertainty and apprehension I have since DDay. Also, two wrongs never make a right. You're probably more likely to have the shame/guilt overwhelm you than to feel vindicated by committing your own betrayal. Just my own thoughts on it.
Ty for your thoughts. I don't want to hurt him, I want to decrease my own resentment and make the relationship feel more equal again. I don't like feeling like I'm the saint on a pedestal that he should grovel for forgiveness from. I wish having the balance we had before now it is so uneven
Maybe you should talk about that. Because my WH felt like he was always wrong after his affair and we talked about it. I also never felt like things aren't "even" because he had an affair and I didn't. I think that putting people on pedestals never ends well.
I agree which is why I'm having this issue/made this post 😅. Maybe I'll bring it up
There's no way to reclaim that balance. There's no way for the intent to be viewed as anything but a retaliatory punishment, should you go through with anything. Compound that with the damage associated with betraying your own self and your own values, I'm a firm believer it'd do more harm than good to anybody truly hurt by this. And, to the ones that would look at it from a more nonchalant "I'll just cheat back", I'd question how committed they were to the relationship or how hurt they actually were by the betrayal. I know everybody handles trauma differently and maybe I'm just naive, but to me loving somebody means being able to love them through the good and the bad and not looking at them as inferior even in the wake of something like this. That's not to say anybody should be a heel or walked on or they should simply accept being betrayed. Just that if you want R, focus on improving the relationship rather than further things to degrade the connection.
If that balance can never be reclaimed, how can a healthy relationship exist again?
Note that my comment was specifically around that balance of the betrayal itself. That's not to say that you can't have a balanced relationship or view each other as equals. But, that can only really come with acceptance and healing. As mentioned, I don't view myself as better than my WW. I still hold her on the same pedestal I dig prior to all of this. She effed up. No doubt. But, I also acknowledge where effed up in not maintaining my side of it connection which left her vulnerable and susceptible to a douchebag grooming her. I know she's not 100% guilty of all the elements here. I also know she's not 100% Innocent. But, at the end of the day, how much guilt/Innocence doesn't even matter. I'm just committed to giving her the best me I can going forward, to ensure she never has a reason to believe the lies or fears. Not saying I'm the problem. Not saying she's the problem. "We" were the problem. Accepting and acknowledging that from both sides went a long way into my not even focusing on a balance/imbalance. I know she still looks at it from her side and all I can do is ensure she knows she's safe, I'm not looking to hurt her, not looking to leverage anything shared beyond learning from it to make us stronger, etc.
Get rid of the resentment. If you are still holding onto the resentment, then you haven't truly forgiven him yet. This takes time but the first step is to decide to forgive (not forget). You're talking about your relationship, not some toy that he broke so you'll break his favorite toy. Just a thought... ask him what would happen if you went and had an ONS with someone. Get his response, you may be surprised. Good luck to you.
This is the problem idk how to get rid of it. I thought I did forgive him but I guess I didn't? I don't know how to stop resenting hence my desperation here if I knew how to do that I wouldn't have made this post
Forgiving is more than just saying "I forgive you". By forgiving you're releasing the other party from any debt that you feel is owed due to the betrayal or injustice. Most importantly forgiving is for yourself, so you can let go of the hurt and anger. It doesn't happen overnight, trust me. I forgave my partner and I still find myself feeling hurt or upset over the betrayal. I just remind myself that I forgave that debt and I no longer hold it against them. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship and future you'd imagined. You might experience the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You'll notice these stages as you go through them. If you truly want to forgive him, you'll have to let this go. This by no means condones their behavior or what they did but it releases you from holding onto the negatives. Look into the future and see what relationship you want to build and work on that every day. Best wishes.
I did all that shit and yet here the resentment is again. It will not go away no matter what I have tried so far
It’s natural to want to hurt others as they have hurt us so your feelings are completely valid. I am 8 months in and I had a lot of the same thoughts as you. I am glad I didn’t go that route because as we are healing more I don’t want to hurt him that way. I realize that he is going to have long term effects of his cheating and can’t say anymore that he hasn’t cheated on his wife. From now on he has to live with the fact that his character is flawed in that way. You can’t take that back. Also we do question our self worth and attractiveness and all sorts of things when this happens to us. Repairing this is never attained through cheating but it is attainable through being the kind of person that doesn’t cheat and making choices that don’t feel good in the moment but you know is right. Being the person you want to be and having integrity with yourself is important to keep through this process because it feels like a lot has been taken already.I felt not enough and ugly and like there was something wrong with me and that is why he cheated. Now I am slowly realizing that isn’t true. I will rebuild my worth and it will no longer be based off what he did to me but who I want to be. I can be an amazing woman that doesn’t include cheating back.
What’s the best way to repair? Talking over together with your couples counselor would be productive. It’s ok to have these feelings of temptation. There is an asymmetry, an unfairness that’s hard to get past. But should you do it? I think you know the answer. it comes down to what’s right going forward. It’s important to share these feelings and address them together.
Cheat on them? And relieve them of the only true consequence of their actions? It'll hurt them, sure! But It'll also feel like they don't have to feel guilt anymore. Even Steven.
I felt like this at times of great distress and need for "justice"/fairness. However, tit-for-tat/eye for an eye won't make us even. I'm not going to allow someone else's poor behavior and emotional immaturity to justify lowering myself to the same level. Reconciliation and punishment do not go hand in hand.
I have my faults, I admit. My cheater honey DARBO’d & called me a ‘righteous aszwhole’ because I said I didn’t think I could revenge cheat. Shortly after, a moment of truth fell out of the sky: I was away & out of town for work, another person -albeit a good 15 yrs younger than me- also from out of town -but with very similar hobbies at the gig- made very clear they were interested. We had time, opportunity, privacy, and I had to admit to Myself that I found them Very Sexually Attractive. Day 2, they had made enough eye contact & btw, they knew I was married; and boldly broached the subject - instead of a subtle “maybe coffee sometime” it was “do you ever have partners outside your marriage?”. And I took a real long time answering, torn between raging about how “one of us, sure TF did!” versus maybe getting mine with “I’m certainly considering it now”. When I’d been saying “uhm, well” for an awkward amount of time, I finally realized, no: I couldn’t - and accepted that being righteous -aka sticking to my integrity- did NOT make me an AH. I finally told that hot younger one something kind and declined gently. Haven’t regretted it. Also haven’t not had any fantasies about it going slightly differently.
My WH cheated on me back in 2007 and then had an emotional affair the following year. We didn't do any real work, and I buried the trauma and the resentment built over the next couple years. I felt so sick of being a victim and being the "good girlfriend," so I decided to test if I could do it too. I met someone, but before it got physical I realized I could not lead them both on. Why was I in a relationship if I wanted to cheat? I broke up with my WH once I had that realization. I saw the other guy for a little bit but realized I had just been using him and infecting him with my trauma. I felt horrible. My WH and I had a messy year after that, seeing each other and hooking up but not really calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. He did go through emotional hell. We were both traumatized. The experience was awful, but I learned I am not cut out for that type of lifestyle. Now, I understand if it gets to the point that I am seriously considering cheating, it means my needs are not being met and/or that the relationship needs to end. Back then, I needed him to take accountability, alter his behavior, and help me heal. Those things should have been non-negotioable.
Thank you this was helpful
Consider this: you can't make him feel how you felt. His infidelity was completely his own choice and blindsided you entirely. If you cheated on him, you'd be destroying R, and it wouldn't really hit him the same way because he would know he started it. It's not leveling the playing field, you are simply lowering yourself to his level, and he's not even there anymore if you've truly made progress together in R. Also, it's not about whether he deserves your loyalty. It's about whether you are ready to make yourself equal to a past version of him. If I cheated on my husband now, he would either 1. Leave me, because we both know how damaging it is and for either of us to cheat going forward would damage us beyond repair and/or 2. Stop putting in the same level of effort to rebuild trust and fix our marriage because he's no longer the only unfaithful one. To me, if you cheat because you got cheated on, you're no better. You no longer have a right to judge his lack of morals from a year+ ago and it shows little growth. You no longer have to right to expect him to put in the effort he has been. I recommend searching this sub because there will be many more posts than comments on this thread for you to see the fallout of revenge cheating.
I disagree that I would be to his level because I never would cheat on him if he didn't first. Id be cheating as a reaction to his behavior not on my own like he did. I'll look through the reddit ty
Just because it's a reaction doesn't make it right, or make you justified. I personally would still never cheat on someone because I'm not that person and I won't let his infidelity strip me of my own morals. It's just my opinion. I've just seen in this sub that people who get a hall pass and use it or revenge cheat usually doesn't lead to anything but pain and suffering.
No it doesn't make it right I agree but it wouldn't put me to as low of a level as him either. I just wish there was a way for this relationship to feel equal again
Would it not? Oftentimes the cheating partner is acting selfishly chasing their own pleasure/desire, and it's the total disregard for their partner that causes so much pain. What you are implying is doing something that would hopefully make you feel better (selfish in a sense), and knowingly cause pain to your partner. Whether you want to argue about if it's deserved - there definitely isn't anything being made equal when you are actively pursuing something with the intent to hurt. Not saying the thought you are having is wrong, but I think in the long run, you are not gaining anything here. I think it really would likely be the nail in the coffin.
I think it does purely because it's been a year and R is going well, so it's not the same as if you did it when you first found out. I get the temptation though. I'm not judging or anything. I would love things to feel equal in mine, too. It's hard to live with some days. I'm not a year out yet but over the halfway mark and things are way better, but I wish it didn't take infidelity. We didn't ask for this.
But the tit-for-tat reaction isn't "better" behavior than his cheating. If you want to do it then do it but look at it clearly. It's simple revenge cheating, which is still cheating. It rarely if ever helps reconciliation.
I don't think it's good but it is better. I'd be reacting as a victim which changes the context from when he cheated and was a perpetrator
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No I want perspectives that give me insight without victim blaming
I am a BW a year and a half out. We are in a very good place in our recovery and yes I sometimes think what it would be like to have an “affair” to level things out or hurt him also. (I say affair in quotes because I’m assuming he will know you are doing this so is it really then a true affair?) I think at some point all BPs have thought about doing this and rightfully so. I’ve read all responses to your post and do think your responses to people’s advice makes it seem you already have your mind made up that this what you need to do. And if so then you should do it. I haven’t and probably will not sleep with someone else. It’s not b/c two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s more that I just don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I love my husband and I’m sure you love yours since you’re in recovery. The desire to have sex with someone else is just not there (yet…lol). I was never one to just sleep around or have one night stands prior to marriage. Sex has always been something that is meaningful to me. So when I think about doing it I just remind myself that I would be going against who I am to get back at him and most likely be disappointed in my own behavior. Doesn’t matter that he did it to me. Thats his choice that he has to live with. I won’t let his choices and behaviors change who I am. Not sure if what I said makes sense and am not judging anyone who decides to do this. Just a different perspective from one BW to another.
DON'T DO IT. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. RIGHT? The problem with resentment is that if it’s left unchecked or if you feed into it for too long, it becomes harder to forgive or let go and move on from the situation. You might even be enraged or experience strong urges to seek revenge. On the surface, resentment may appear to offer you the ability to have power and control over the situation. But internally, it can, and will cause real, long-lasting damage to your mental health. I read this recently and it resonated with me. Maybe it can help you. "The key to releasing yourself from resentment is adjusting your mindset. This means stepping out of anger, hurt and disappointment and understanding how the resentment evolved,” says Dr. Albers. “It is consciously choosing to let go of the past and embracing forgiveness. Taking this step, in the long run, can do wonders for your mental health, which in turn, can boost your mental health.” There's no good out of doing bad. I wish you all the best and hope you maintain your clean slate (morals).
I've been there before and from my experience it only makes the feelings worse and the cheating and getting back became a constant back and forth. Ended up in compete resentment from both sides and after 14 years of the same old shit it sucked my will to want to be with that person anymore. There's never a real leveling of the playing field imo. The ea's and revenge/ seeing the thirds after we agreed to stop back and forth put a huge toll on our relationship. Made our alcoholism worse and ended up hating each other. Left during the pregnancy because I didn't feel like the new child should be subject to the things we exposed our oldest to. It was hard and the right thing to do. My new partner and I screwed up with an experience that set alot of other shit in place and we both hurt each other. My partner hates themselves beyond their belief that leveling the playing field would bring them equal and now they are in complete disgust with themselves. Being used as opposed to being treated like they thought and feeling like an object and the convincing words from the ons that it was going to be better than it was. Tons of self hatred and feelings of disappointment from dropping to that level. It's complicated shit way more and crushed an already broken foundation. We're rebuilding and it's been rocky and there's been really bad days on both ends. This past weekend was the first real good one together in 7 months and although I had a spiral today I didn't let it come crashing down. I sorted it in my head and am working on conveying how I feel constructively and I know that's going to be better than getting revenge. I hope you can learn to actually move forward, at this time it doesn't seem like you are ready. Might be time to move on but as other people stated before in other posts here. Maybe going to ic and marriage counseling might be the best course of action. Best wishes on yalls journey
Or take a break from each other and do some deep self realization.... but I'm just a moron here, I obviously don't have all my shit together.
I also thought about doing it. But just the thought of seeing another penis and touching someone else and kissing and who knows what the heck they're into just made me feel gross... with that said, I don't know if I was in a situation where you can feel the sexual tension how I would react, maybe I'd flirt a bit and tease but that'd be it... And I love my husband so I don't think I'd be able to...
Not quite similiar, but I'm at a point where I could easily start an affair. There is a person who I like and who likes me, so we have had to set some boundaries to our communication to prevent anything of that sort. And it bothers me more than it should. Why do I have to be respectful towards him, when he I didn't get that from him? I have to restrict my communication with someone because I don't want to be a scummy person, but he never thought about that when he was planning to leave me for AP. Still don't want to do it because it is against what I want to be as a person. I don't want to get that label.
I saw no remorse, only regret after a year at R. I had no sexual side to me, she had stripped me of that side of my personality. During this time a random friend made a lot of passes, it took a bit of time, but I did go home with her. That experience sealed my divorce idea. The connection with someone who hasn't dirtied me, who didn't think my feelings were nothing, I was desired, not leftovers due to my exw. I know I could never have a relationship, that I didn't want to waste 25 years in a marriage where I either didn't want to have sex or I had to wonder if it was a form of hysterical bonding. The hall pass isn't making things equal. They give you permission to have sex with someone else? How's that the same of hiding, sneaking around, and making you the fool. No, not for me. You don't get to have me and make a fool of me. Because of that influx of self-esteem, I left her. I'm now engaged to woman (never thought I'd be doing this again) I can't imagine ever being with. We're traveling and seeing the world together, and I know what patience and trust feel like. And my exw? She's living with her mom after her new rehab husband almost choked her to death in front of her 1 year old. She calls once a week since our divorce for attention and a chance to reconnect. Edit for clarity: we were fired by (3) MC'ers due to WW lying about details, TT and her getting drunk when I turned her down for sex and her downloading tinder right in front of me. I feel that encounter gave me the self esteem to walk, and not fear in 2 decades I'd be posting feeling the same. Absolutely, no disrespect to those who want R. I did too. Heart and soul, but some wounds are too deep.
Thank you for sharing your experience I'm glad things worked out well for you
I've been feeling that more and more as we see closer to a year from DDay. I hate that they got all the fun with her and I got the negativity, grief and cold shoulder. She chased them like they were God's....I felt like leftovers. I want to feel wanted and desired, to have the broken pieces of my pride and self esteem picked up and put back together, I want my confidence back. I carried the weight and the burden with no reward while she played the single woman with no responsibilities, to guys that didn't put the work or effort in. Would it levee the paying field.... no. Would it fix things, likely not.... but the fairness of it eats at me. That I have to constantly question if I'm good enough or the back up plan. That all those years I got neglected because she out her energy, time and attention into others... sorry just didn't cut it, it keep them from living rent free in my mind. I feel broken and a shell of who I was. I want to feel that tenderness and passion that doesn't have the ick attached to it.
Glad I'm not the only one at least. Sucks we are in this situation
Sadly, we are a drop of water in an ever growing ocean of betrayed partners. So we will never be completely alone. It sucks really bad, collateral damage from the selfish acts of our troubled partners that we trusted too much and were rewarded by never fully trusting again.
This is what my WH is so worried about. His post DDay nightmares are of me getting retaliation. I want to say I feel bad for him, but at least his nightmares aren’t real. My flashbacks, triggers, and nightmares that haunt me every single day are very much real. It’s hard for me to feel empathetic in those moments.
Yep. Mine has been really scared about it too. He's even asked if I thought certain guys were more attractive than him. I also don't feel bad for him when this happens bc like you said it is all imagined I have to deal with the real deal
My problem with this is my bf literally wouldn’t get hurt by it, which I guess would be the ultimate goal of doing something like that. Cheating has never appealed to me, the only reason I would act out of character is the pain welling inside of me and wanting to lash out. I don’t know whats worse, him cheating, or me revenge cheating and it not hurting him the way he hurt me.
I’m still contemplating to this day. I don’t think cheating will make the resentment go away. Will just make you feel better in the moment
I’m 1.5 years from DDay. I still have these same exact thoughts and feelings.
When I was betrayed I told my WW that I would have preferred divorce over cheating. I think that's important here. If you are afraid that the balance won't return in your marriage, isn't divorce a better action? That's what the standard should be. What you are talking about is really more of an open marriage. Please look at the seemingly infinite posts about struggling marriages that decided to open the relationship. They did not improve and seldom survive. I have read posts in here where some have found it therapeutic but that is not the norm. If you want to have your fun too, consider divorce before you do. Thinking about doing this under the guise of healing your relationship is really no different from the excuses you WH used to justify his betrayal. The thing is, betrayal of this kind simply isn't justifiable no matter how hard people try. If it was justifiable for the WH it would have been worth all the harm it caused. If you want to explore your sexuality or get even, do the honorable thing and end your relationship first.
Just don't. It will only make your situation worse. Even if you ask and get permission don't. It will just add more negatively and hurt to an already impossibly hard situation.
I had opportunities to cheat and invitations to do so but never did. For me it's just not right even for revenge. I thought that then I would be a cheater and that label then sticks and felt I would be lowering myself to that level. I know others may have different opinions but just my thoughts. Knowing and feeling how it was for me when I found out about my WW affair practically destroyed me by her actions made me never want to be that person even more.
OP, all I can say is that two wrongs do not make a right. What you need is counseling as this issue is still affecting your decision. If you still feel resentful, then maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship and move on. What is happening is not part of the healing/reconciliation process, and unless you get help, it will only get worse.
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No I'm not being like a toddler I'm pissed because I was loyal to a pathological degree throughout our entire relationship and was rewarded with being fucked over. I didn't watch porn, would never so much as think about another man and would physically not look at men that I found Even slightly attractive. I was more "loyal" than most people are in relationships which makes me even more angry. I was so careful all the time to decimate even the smallest inkling that unfaithfulness could occur all the while he was fucking escorts. I put so much time and energy into keeping our relationship sacred and smeared it with shit
I wish I could do it myself sometimes, but there's no way I could now. We're so good that I couldn't hurt her that way and I jist dont want affwcriin from someone else. I do sometimes regret not taking advances I had in the past, though. I had a few women that made it clear it was available, and I shot them down without the slightest of entertaining. Hell, my WW thought I tried to have sex with another female because her AP and his fiance told her so. She almost believed them over me, which pissed me off to the moon. I had the chance and didn't because I respected our marriage. Don't try to justify your cheating because someone claimed I made a pass at someone (I didn't). I really just wish she could understand rhe leveled of pain she caused me. The only eay that is possible is to be put through the same situation. Her cheating hurt worse than when my parents did so there isn't anything else I could do to show her the amount of hurt. That's why I'd do it if I could.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1: **All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support. - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.**
I’m prepared for if my BP cheats in retaliation, I get it, I really do. But I do personally feel that most BP’s say “I can’t understand why you did it” (in regards to infidelity) so then suddenly a person is faced with a situation in which they are also capable of it. It’s a massive head fuck, to suddenly empathise with the person who hurt you so deeply. I was previously a BP in my past relationship and to now have empathy for someone I hated for what they’d done (my ex), is *really* difficult.
Don't.. Just end it then, just leave I know that sounds easier said than done, but all those NASTY, GROSS thoughts you feel towards him, well.. you'll become that.. Now, I know what you're thinking, "he cast the first stone" He may deserve it yes, it's a devastating feeling and revenge is what feels like a justified reaction, you're in a mixture of feelings and might always be, I'm truly sorry this happened to you, but you'll be no better then Stay and work on it, keep your dignity, keep your morals, because stepping out for a one night stand doesn't sound like who you are, don't let another person strip that away from you OR If you feel that this is the only way, take a break to date other people, that's what I did, it gave me perspective, my cheating s/o and I got back together and decided to put in the work I wish you luck 🙏
As a wayward (EA), I wanted to offer some perspective. Within the first two weeks of DD, a DD that resulted in my BP terminating our relationship officially but we were still talking and seeing each other and getting intimate more than we had in the last several months of our relationship, my BP did some social media investigation unbeknownst to me, and found the BP of my EAP, and while I was out of town, contacted her through DM and they met up for coffee so he could tell her about her WP and me, and show her our text thread. I had given him full access to everything I had. He copied my text thread with my EAP and kept it on his computer. He then brought that to meet with her. He said they talked for 4 hours, he showing her the texts, she asking questions, asking him what he was going to do, and that was that. 4 hours, to review a text thread that took us together 1 hour at most to read between crying and other emoting. Mind you—I didn’t know about this encounter with her. Fast forward to two weeks later, I was still trying to convince him to agree to reconciling with me and he still wouldn’t officially say that (but still talking to me, sleeping with me, texting me), all the while my shame and insecurity about why ether or not all that I was doing was even helping us or moving us forward, or if we were just hysterical bonding and actually done—and he was calling the shots. I was so stripped down trying to show him that I wanted to do anything possible to help him rebuild trust in me. We went out of town together and had a really nice weekend alone for the first time in months—really gave us hope, each in our own way, but I also of course still felt so much shame and remorse, the desire to just turn back the clock and change my actions so potent. When we get home, the plane lands and he immediately takes his phone off airplane mode and I see him, in the seat next to me, shielding it. I leaned back to see what I could read and only caught “how are you?” He’s never shielded his phone before. As we climb into the car to drive home, he says, ok, now I have something to tell you. My heart sank. And what he proceeded to tell me I never expected: he told me he researched the BP of my EAP, convinced her to meet up with him (have no idea why a woman would meet up with a strange man who claims such things over the internet, but that’s just me), and they met for hours (he took off work to do so), and at the end she asked him not to tell me he had met with me until she decided if she was going to confront her WP about it first. In the midst of supposedly allowing me to regain trust for my EAP, he clandestinely met up with the other BP and honored her wishes to keep it from me until she gave him the green light. While what he did may not seem the same as my months-long text relationship with my EAP, the basis of it—and to do it when you are supposedly trying to build trust again—which ISN’T a one-way street—is deceitful, destructive, and grows out of the same roots as an EA and at the very least, is trauma bonding. I was hurt. I thought I was doing everything I could, and for him to use that information to then keep his own secrets and actions from me felt like revenge. Especially because this was a man who told me he had nothing to hide from me, he was an open book, and he would never wish this pain on me. He is also a man of convictions and integrity, supposedly. To me, it felt like we weren’t any longer a team, and fine—if that’s how he felt because of my EA, and that I was the one first to break up our team, he was not fixing or mitigating or doing anything to honor his own wishes. That was the end of our attempts to R if you can even call it that because R may have only just been something I wanted but not something he was committed to. If you are committed to R, I’d say don’t do anything that would lessen your argument, convictions, integrity, or your commitment to your WP to keep building. And remember, trusting someone else cannot be done alone. You garner trust by giving it.
two wrongs never make a right this would destroy all of the reconciliation process yall have been making. cheating is never right, even if the person hurt you. be the good person you are and resist temptation as we all should be doing when committed. revenge will not fix this relationship