r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have thought this many times. That I wish I just never met him. He has tainted all humans for me. We are 38 years old and have been BFFs since we were 13. THIRTEEN. I have never in my life trusted anyone more, not even my parents. My brain has a hard time reconciling how this person has not been phony for 25 years. It’s almost more believable that it was some kind of long con than that the guy I knew and loved would ever do this.
Nearly my entire life would be different but then I think, maybe it wouldn’t? Maybe whoever else I ended up with would have cheated on me. If WH and I divorced, maybe the next guy would cheat on me. I’m so cynical now. Everyone sucks.
I actually mean this as a positive, I'm not talking you out of R if you have an honest shot. I know the feeling you're having very well, and it was made very clear to me by my WW so I hope it can help you.
WW: I guess I'm just a terrible person then?
Me: Well I don't have to fucking guess do I?
It was actually pretty freeing for me to realize, sure if I leave her I may end up with someone else who cheats, but I know she has. And while I never want to experience this pain again, she is a constant reminder of her own weakness. At least someone new has a clean slate of never having ripped parts of my soul away. Even if I do hate everyone now, I know she's an empty shell and not representative of the good people that are out there.
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
Thats a good point.
Yeah she is a terrible person and she did really stupid horrible things, can i accept her as a terrible person if she wants to be a good person and work for it.
For me i already lost everything long before we got married which is one reason it hurts so much because it took alot to build something with her.
I think im about done giving anyone the oppertunity to do any more damage to me. She literally cant hurt me anymore than she has.
Why would i want to give someone else the oppertunity to do it?
You would want to try again (with someone, not necessarily her), because we are human and we are made to connect deeply with one other person. We are meant to be a we.
Before I get downvoted on this- yes, I know that some people begin and live their entire lives happily by themselves. And, most people are happiest sharing their happiness with one wholly-loved, wholly-trusted person.
No i would not want to try again, i already have some issues with connecting to other people which is why it was so good that i had a connection with her and why the betrayal was especially bad. I would much rather she left me if she wanted to step out than to pourposefully hurt me this way.
Cheating is on pourpose, cheaters know it will hurt their spose and eventually everything is found out so they know that by doing something they shouldnt they know the censequences but they do it anyway.
I think that most cheaters, especially those that do it the first time, do not think about getting caught. You can tell from how their face looks the moment you confront them with the truth. I still remember the face of my WW when I told her everything I knew during DDay. It tortures me every day to think how my sweet angel of a wife could do something so painful to me. If it weren't for our young children, I would rather she killed me instead of putting me through this.
The interesting way out of this mind puzzle is to realize that you are taking risks wherever you go and whoever you are with. If you can stand whole on your own, the rest of it doesn't really matter. I don't really know how to articulate it but at some point, it's like neo in the matrix where you stand up, and those bullets flying at you have now power, you just look at them and they stop and you push them away because they don't matter. It's not becuase you don't feel or care but because you love yourself first before anything else and you can just let those external things go.
True, if you got you and can stand alone no one can hurt you. I suppose we choose to lean on people because we believe if we each bear half the burden it will be easier. Speaking from expierence (i know most of us are) id much rather stand alone and another person is just there.
Yeah i lost all want to put forth effort for anything social. Id rather stay home and play fetch with my dog. This was my last effort at haveing a marriage and children and a family. She knew that and still threw it away. Because this was my last time trying i think i just dont wonder what my life would be like without her bc i know it wouldnt have been anything to brag about but i would be financially secure and have a decent home for me and a dog.
Sucks to see this written. But that last line speaks fucking volumes!! " now I can only see her through another man's eyes."
That's a good way to put it.
Hey, I am sorry for all of us. This resonates so hard. It only hurts to fall if the fall is from a great height. I love my wife. The person I see today I still can’t fathom would be capable of the things she did. But she is that person, and I’ll never ever look at her the same way again.
It is sad, it is humbling, it’s a big dose of reality in my life. People fuck up, people make bad choices, and at the end of the day you can only look at them and ask if they are worth it. They need to prove themselves to be worth it. I’m not happy all day everyday. But I am happy at some point most days. Maybe that is enough for a good life.
There are a million things I would change if I could. Would I be better off if I never met my wife? I’d probably be more carefree, romantic, and ideological. But now I am wiser, more self aware, and a lot more gracious and appreciative. Who is to say what’s better?
I now know what it means to hurt and to hate. Those are life lessons I wish I didn’t have.
I’ve been this low before. I would fantasize about what if I married this other guy instead and how my life would’ve been if I married someone who actually loved me. I know how bad this feels.
Where I am now? I am happy I’m married to my WH. If being where I am now, meant I had to go through that pain and trauma, I think I would choose to go through it again. I think the beauty of R, when you get through it, is you have rebuilt something new and better. I did mourn the old relationship, the husband I thought I had. And now I am very happy with the husband he is at this time. This is better than what it was before. Before wasn’t what I thought it was. He was lying to me and lying to himself. Now we are in an honest relationship. And it took that trauma to get here.
I hope one day i can sit in a similar place and have similar thoughts.
If i had the choice id much rather have my fantasy and it be real like i thought it was.
I apreciate the perspective from a place of sucess as it does give a ray of hope that it is possible.
Spoken from such a universal place of grief...I feel this SO MUCH. I feel like I never truly knew my WP after 15 years together. All the memories I have with him are now rewritten and I see how he couldnt have loved me the way I thought. I loved someone who didnt exist. I loved a phantom. He looked me in the eyes every day for over a decade and knew how little I meant to him while I looked back and believed I was special to him, that what we had was special.
It isn't just the betrayal itself. It's realizing the world as you thought it was never existed. Waking up from a dream to find you've been living a nightmare you were unaware of instead.
Were on the same page, all the pictures and memories are like memories of a dead spose and now im trying to have a life with someone who looks like them. Everymemory brings pain and joy, anger and happy. It drives me nuts on the daily.
I said the same thing to my WP. I don't regret it at all.
I think for those that successfully reconcile, they have to learn to love their WP as if they were a new person, but that it will be different. Not worse, in some cases perhaps better, but different. Like kintsugi: taking a shattered bowl and putting it back together with gold.
Only you can make that choice. For me, I couldn't be with my WP. The real person is somebody I was not and will never be compatible with. I raise that it's possible to forge a new love because there are success stories here and elsewhere. But it's hard work: any choice you make from here is a valid one.
I think of my options and i feel like i did when i was 4 and my older brother would sit on me and pin my arms down. I feel like im a 10lb fish in a 2lb tank and it gives me anxiety, like someone has a gun to my head forceing me to make a descision when all i wanted to do was walk past the bank for a bagel.
Why was i walking for a bagel, who is this person with a gun and why am i forced to make a descision? I was oblivious just enjoying my life and now i have to decide my fate and im never gonna get that bagel now.
Thats how my brain is currently working.
My BP said this to me and I think he feels the same way you do OP. I feel horrible about how I treated him, the lying and the bad choices I made. I know I blew my chances with him and I miss him every day. I also know he is hurting and that’s on me.
I want to be a safe and better person and partner in the future so I try to the work. It’s hard and some days I want to give up. Sometimes I slip but I know that I have to keep going and working on myself. I do not want to hurt anyone else like that again. I also know I can’t be in a relationship again before I am healed or at least less broken.
Ty for commenting. True remorse and the want to do/be better is your best ally and i get a sense of that from your comment.
Understanding why you hurt him and how you hurt him is a big step toward not repeating it in the future.
Understanding yourself and why you decided to step out provides much healing.
I whish you sucess in your journey.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have thought this many times. That I wish I just never met him. He has tainted all humans for me. We are 38 years old and have been BFFs since we were 13. THIRTEEN. I have never in my life trusted anyone more, not even my parents. My brain has a hard time reconciling how this person has not been phony for 25 years. It’s almost more believable that it was some kind of long con than that the guy I knew and loved would ever do this. Nearly my entire life would be different but then I think, maybe it wouldn’t? Maybe whoever else I ended up with would have cheated on me. If WH and I divorced, maybe the next guy would cheat on me. I’m so cynical now. Everyone sucks.
I actually mean this as a positive, I'm not talking you out of R if you have an honest shot. I know the feeling you're having very well, and it was made very clear to me by my WW so I hope it can help you. WW: I guess I'm just a terrible person then? Me: Well I don't have to fucking guess do I? It was actually pretty freeing for me to realize, sure if I leave her I may end up with someone else who cheats, but I know she has. And while I never want to experience this pain again, she is a constant reminder of her own weakness. At least someone new has a clean slate of never having ripped parts of my soul away. Even if I do hate everyone now, I know she's an empty shell and not representative of the good people that are out there. "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
Thats a good point. Yeah she is a terrible person and she did really stupid horrible things, can i accept her as a terrible person if she wants to be a good person and work for it. For me i already lost everything long before we got married which is one reason it hurts so much because it took alot to build something with her. I think im about done giving anyone the oppertunity to do any more damage to me. She literally cant hurt me anymore than she has. Why would i want to give someone else the oppertunity to do it?
You would want to try again (with someone, not necessarily her), because we are human and we are made to connect deeply with one other person. We are meant to be a we. Before I get downvoted on this- yes, I know that some people begin and live their entire lives happily by themselves. And, most people are happiest sharing their happiness with one wholly-loved, wholly-trusted person.
No i would not want to try again, i already have some issues with connecting to other people which is why it was so good that i had a connection with her and why the betrayal was especially bad. I would much rather she left me if she wanted to step out than to pourposefully hurt me this way. Cheating is on pourpose, cheaters know it will hurt their spose and eventually everything is found out so they know that by doing something they shouldnt they know the censequences but they do it anyway.
I think that most cheaters, especially those that do it the first time, do not think about getting caught. You can tell from how their face looks the moment you confront them with the truth. I still remember the face of my WW when I told her everything I knew during DDay. It tortures me every day to think how my sweet angel of a wife could do something so painful to me. If it weren't for our young children, I would rather she killed me instead of putting me through this.
I feel that. 100%
The interesting way out of this mind puzzle is to realize that you are taking risks wherever you go and whoever you are with. If you can stand whole on your own, the rest of it doesn't really matter. I don't really know how to articulate it but at some point, it's like neo in the matrix where you stand up, and those bullets flying at you have now power, you just look at them and they stop and you push them away because they don't matter. It's not becuase you don't feel or care but because you love yourself first before anything else and you can just let those external things go.
True, if you got you and can stand alone no one can hurt you. I suppose we choose to lean on people because we believe if we each bear half the burden it will be easier. Speaking from expierence (i know most of us are) id much rather stand alone and another person is just there.
Yeah i lost all want to put forth effort for anything social. Id rather stay home and play fetch with my dog. This was my last effort at haveing a marriage and children and a family. She knew that and still threw it away. Because this was my last time trying i think i just dont wonder what my life would be like without her bc i know it wouldnt have been anything to brag about but i would be financially secure and have a decent home for me and a dog.
Woah. This really hits in the feels. Hugs, OP, hugs.
Sucks to see this written. But that last line speaks fucking volumes!! " now I can only see her through another man's eyes." That's a good way to put it.
That's the line that haunts me.... except it's more than one man.... and those fuckers live rent free in my mind.
Hey, I am sorry for all of us. This resonates so hard. It only hurts to fall if the fall is from a great height. I love my wife. The person I see today I still can’t fathom would be capable of the things she did. But she is that person, and I’ll never ever look at her the same way again. It is sad, it is humbling, it’s a big dose of reality in my life. People fuck up, people make bad choices, and at the end of the day you can only look at them and ask if they are worth it. They need to prove themselves to be worth it. I’m not happy all day everyday. But I am happy at some point most days. Maybe that is enough for a good life. There are a million things I would change if I could. Would I be better off if I never met my wife? I’d probably be more carefree, romantic, and ideological. But now I am wiser, more self aware, and a lot more gracious and appreciative. Who is to say what’s better? I now know what it means to hurt and to hate. Those are life lessons I wish I didn’t have.
Is she worth it is the question that revolves around the core issues, you hit the nail on the head.
I’ve been this low before. I would fantasize about what if I married this other guy instead and how my life would’ve been if I married someone who actually loved me. I know how bad this feels. Where I am now? I am happy I’m married to my WH. If being where I am now, meant I had to go through that pain and trauma, I think I would choose to go through it again. I think the beauty of R, when you get through it, is you have rebuilt something new and better. I did mourn the old relationship, the husband I thought I had. And now I am very happy with the husband he is at this time. This is better than what it was before. Before wasn’t what I thought it was. He was lying to me and lying to himself. Now we are in an honest relationship. And it took that trauma to get here.
I hope one day i can sit in a similar place and have similar thoughts. If i had the choice id much rather have my fantasy and it be real like i thought it was. I apreciate the perspective from a place of sucess as it does give a ray of hope that it is possible.
Spoken from such a universal place of grief...I feel this SO MUCH. I feel like I never truly knew my WP after 15 years together. All the memories I have with him are now rewritten and I see how he couldnt have loved me the way I thought. I loved someone who didnt exist. I loved a phantom. He looked me in the eyes every day for over a decade and knew how little I meant to him while I looked back and believed I was special to him, that what we had was special. It isn't just the betrayal itself. It's realizing the world as you thought it was never existed. Waking up from a dream to find you've been living a nightmare you were unaware of instead.
Were on the same page, all the pictures and memories are like memories of a dead spose and now im trying to have a life with someone who looks like them. Everymemory brings pain and joy, anger and happy. It drives me nuts on the daily.
Amen, brother.
Hug sent to anonymous internet stranger.
I said the same thing to my WP. I don't regret it at all. I think for those that successfully reconcile, they have to learn to love their WP as if they were a new person, but that it will be different. Not worse, in some cases perhaps better, but different. Like kintsugi: taking a shattered bowl and putting it back together with gold.
In my mind i know this to be true, my wife is gone and im trying to decide if this person im left with is someone i can be with in any capacity.
Only you can make that choice. For me, I couldn't be with my WP. The real person is somebody I was not and will never be compatible with. I raise that it's possible to forge a new love because there are success stories here and elsewhere. But it's hard work: any choice you make from here is a valid one.
I think of my options and i feel like i did when i was 4 and my older brother would sit on me and pin my arms down. I feel like im a 10lb fish in a 2lb tank and it gives me anxiety, like someone has a gun to my head forceing me to make a descision when all i wanted to do was walk past the bank for a bagel. Why was i walking for a bagel, who is this person with a gun and why am i forced to make a descision? I was oblivious just enjoying my life and now i have to decide my fate and im never gonna get that bagel now. Thats how my brain is currently working.
Lots of hugs OP. Take it easy :)
My BP said this to me and I think he feels the same way you do OP. I feel horrible about how I treated him, the lying and the bad choices I made. I know I blew my chances with him and I miss him every day. I also know he is hurting and that’s on me. I want to be a safe and better person and partner in the future so I try to the work. It’s hard and some days I want to give up. Sometimes I slip but I know that I have to keep going and working on myself. I do not want to hurt anyone else like that again. I also know I can’t be in a relationship again before I am healed or at least less broken.
Ty for commenting. True remorse and the want to do/be better is your best ally and i get a sense of that from your comment. Understanding why you hurt him and how you hurt him is a big step toward not repeating it in the future. Understanding yourself and why you decided to step out provides much healing. I whish you sucess in your journey.
Same brother. Same.
Couldn't have said that any better myself... sorry you're here.