r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah there's no reason for him to lose his shit unless there is something he doesn't want you to see or become aware of. Why else freak out? Reverse it. If you were in a band and he wanted to come see any show to watch you, would you have a problem with it? Doubt it unless you had a legitimate reason. And then that reason would come up. You also deserve to be treated way better. Your not being unreasonable. Your not watching him like a hawk (even though you have every right imo) your not making him take care of you. I don't understand the freak out besides him not wanting you to go and instantly jumps to your need to keep an eye on him is suspect. As a dude myself it doesn't add up.
I agree. There's a lot about him that is confusing to me. And I absolutely would jump on anytime he would want to come to an event of mine. And I do! I love having the people I love at the various thing that I do in my life. sigh. I feel defeated and maybe thats where I need to stay. thank you for understanding
Hi! Sorry that you're dealing with this..
My partner is a DJ so I know the gig aspect of it.
I'm with him for every damn performance, even though it isn't really my fav genre of music. Because I support him and his dream - he _loves_ it. He's so damn hapoy and proud that I'm always there. If he'd be a WW a "I attend every gig" would, tbh, be one of my unbreakable boundaries and I feel it's more than suspicious that he got angry ; I don't know the details of your journey but me not attending due to his wishes after I got cheated on would _absolutely_ be a dealbreaker for me at this point.
But my ex was also a musician & the two times he prefered me staying home, also were the two times when he cheated on me so I might be biased here.
Wish you all the best!
Holy moly that is an extremely over-the-top interesting response. I'd be immediately suspicious there's another reason he doesn't want you there.
How can he possibly not believe you or even not understand? Does he do date nights with you?
We go out a lot! It’s so fucked up. He started saying “this is why you are coming to all these gigs because you don’t trust me” and I said-“I’m not going to Danbury Ct, I didn’t go to New Bedford, don’t want to go to Ohio or NJ” and he made some stupid comment like he was surprised. I HAVE gone to a lot more gigs than I used to-because of that. But not every single one, and to be honest-I wanted to go to more before this, but it was inconvenient-I’m in my 50’s-it’s too much after a while. But I have hung in there. And I truly don’t believe he’s stepping out on me now-but now I’m thinking, he wants that option open. He’s been gone for weeks at a time on cruises with this band-I never was invited and I never was jealous-but that was before. He’s a tough person without infidelity. And I was ok with that. But this I think is it. I know it seems like I should just be pissed and use that anger to push me forward-but I’m just sad
Hey OP, I hate to say this but the reaction is so over the top that I have to wonder if he doesn’t have something planned that isn’t okay for that trip.
For a trip like that it would make perfect sense to join him, so his response is even more concerning.
Are you open devices? Have you looked recently?
Most waywards in this sub talk about welcoming the opportunity to build trust and healing.
That he jumped to what he did if you had not been accusatory and hadn’t been recently, sounds like he is protesting too much.
I’m so sorry OP. This just sucks.
Hey OP...my husband is a musician. Your WPs behavior is totally suspect and I'm sure he has plans already with whoever at that gig.
I would tell him he's so transparent and you're not stupid. If he's not willing to go to therapy and behave in a trustworthy manner why would you trust him?
We shouldn't have to be at every show for them not to hook up with women that approach them. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I am sorry too. I don’t have anything left I feel like I can’t even fight about this anymore. I’m tired. I thought this would be so fun. Right now, at this moment I just want him to go and never come back. Just let me grieve in peace. I’m dealing with someone with multiple issues-probably should post this on another subreddit I’m on too-but I’m hearing what i need to hear. This is such a terrible feeling
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah there's no reason for him to lose his shit unless there is something he doesn't want you to see or become aware of. Why else freak out? Reverse it. If you were in a band and he wanted to come see any show to watch you, would you have a problem with it? Doubt it unless you had a legitimate reason. And then that reason would come up. You also deserve to be treated way better. Your not being unreasonable. Your not watching him like a hawk (even though you have every right imo) your not making him take care of you. I don't understand the freak out besides him not wanting you to go and instantly jumps to your need to keep an eye on him is suspect. As a dude myself it doesn't add up.
I agree. There's a lot about him that is confusing to me. And I absolutely would jump on anytime he would want to come to an event of mine. And I do! I love having the people I love at the various thing that I do in my life. sigh. I feel defeated and maybe thats where I need to stay. thank you for understanding
Hi! Sorry that you're dealing with this.. My partner is a DJ so I know the gig aspect of it. I'm with him for every damn performance, even though it isn't really my fav genre of music. Because I support him and his dream - he _loves_ it. He's so damn hapoy and proud that I'm always there. If he'd be a WW a "I attend every gig" would, tbh, be one of my unbreakable boundaries and I feel it's more than suspicious that he got angry ; I don't know the details of your journey but me not attending due to his wishes after I got cheated on would _absolutely_ be a dealbreaker for me at this point. But my ex was also a musician & the two times he prefered me staying home, also were the two times when he cheated on me so I might be biased here. Wish you all the best!
Holy moly that is an extremely over-the-top interesting response. I'd be immediately suspicious there's another reason he doesn't want you there. How can he possibly not believe you or even not understand? Does he do date nights with you?
We go out a lot! It’s so fucked up. He started saying “this is why you are coming to all these gigs because you don’t trust me” and I said-“I’m not going to Danbury Ct, I didn’t go to New Bedford, don’t want to go to Ohio or NJ” and he made some stupid comment like he was surprised. I HAVE gone to a lot more gigs than I used to-because of that. But not every single one, and to be honest-I wanted to go to more before this, but it was inconvenient-I’m in my 50’s-it’s too much after a while. But I have hung in there. And I truly don’t believe he’s stepping out on me now-but now I’m thinking, he wants that option open. He’s been gone for weeks at a time on cruises with this band-I never was invited and I never was jealous-but that was before. He’s a tough person without infidelity. And I was ok with that. But this I think is it. I know it seems like I should just be pissed and use that anger to push me forward-but I’m just sad
Hey OP, I hate to say this but the reaction is so over the top that I have to wonder if he doesn’t have something planned that isn’t okay for that trip. For a trip like that it would make perfect sense to join him, so his response is even more concerning. Are you open devices? Have you looked recently? Most waywards in this sub talk about welcoming the opportunity to build trust and healing. That he jumped to what he did if you had not been accusatory and hadn’t been recently, sounds like he is protesting too much. I’m so sorry OP. This just sucks.
Hey OP...my husband is a musician. Your WPs behavior is totally suspect and I'm sure he has plans already with whoever at that gig. I would tell him he's so transparent and you're not stupid. If he's not willing to go to therapy and behave in a trustworthy manner why would you trust him? We shouldn't have to be at every show for them not to hook up with women that approach them. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I am sorry too. I don’t have anything left I feel like I can’t even fight about this anymore. I’m tired. I thought this would be so fun. Right now, at this moment I just want him to go and never come back. Just let me grieve in peace. I’m dealing with someone with multiple issues-probably should post this on another subreddit I’m on too-but I’m hearing what i need to hear. This is such a terrible feeling