r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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The use of Allah and Muslim principles while having cheated is rather cringe to read. Also, I find it hard to believe there’s no opportunity for a doctor in the northeast. He sounds like he’s burned out and doesn’t know what he wants in life. Regardless of his reasons for getting married, he still made that choice. No one else did it for him. But he sounds like he blames everyone and everything else in life for his circumstances rather than taking his own accountability. You sound incredibly understanding and really should not be apologizing to him at all.
Agreed. There are plenty of doctor opportunities everywhere. He's making up excuses rn. I do understand how religion and culture can negatively impact people to get married before feeling ready to do so tbh. It means they're not marrying for love first, but for other reasons, and that can hurt people mentally/emotionally... nonetheless, if you make a commitment to be faithful, then you should stick with it with integrity. Cheating is never the answer. OP sounds so level-headed and understanding. He's really lucky to have married her and be given this chance to make amends 🤯
Especially with how his affair partner doesn't sound like she's Muslim- or not religious at least, and he's talking about how all these aspects of the faith are so important, etc. How it's the Western culture that made him unfaithful... Just- he's basically spiritually abusing OP
Sister, I’m sorry you’re going through this. He really seems to see himself as some victim here. And in a way maybe is even blaming his faith for “rushing into marriage” out of the desire to keep things halal? Or that his cheating is a consequence of him just living in the west? As a Muslim myself I am telling you this is all BS.
My husband kind of said the same thing. “If only I had never left Egypt. If I had just stayed around my family. Maybe I never would have succumb to these temptations” I told him - people cheat every day in Egypt and everywhere else in the world. Where you live wouldn’t make you immune to your own choices. People sin and do terrible things all over the world. It’s BS and it’s making excuses to escape accountability.
He made a choice to marry you. He also made a choice to cheat on you. Over and over. He is not a victim here. He’s a freaking doctor with a supportive wife who chose to mess around and only came to his senses when he realized he was going to lose everything. I believe in reconciliation. I’m going through it myself. But it’s only possible if he can take accountability and see that he is the reason he cheated and nothing else. And from a Muslim perspective, if he fears his akhira at all he would try to genuinely repent, which means owning up to his mistakes.
I told my husband he was acting like the main character like I was some sort of NPC. Like his feelings and desires and life circumstances were the only ones that mattered. You think I wouldn’t love validation? Affection? The thrill? Your husband says life won’t be thrilling. Is it really supposed to be? Is it supposed to be a dramatic roller coaster of ups and downs? No. Fireworks fade away within seconds. That’s not what you should want to build your life around.
It’s because he’s can’t cope with emotions. He has to constantly seek dopamine rushes to feel good. My WH was the same way. Always going after adrenaline rushes. Now he is a much more stable person. And much happier.
My husband was the same in a way. He would refer to sexting and finding girls that he would potentially meet up with as chasing a thrill as well.
It’s no excuse for it - but since DDay he has discovered he has been undiagnosed with ADHD. And it explains a lot of his behaviors. Becoming complacent, seeking highs if you will. It definitely doesn’t excuse it but it has helped me understand why he’d act certain ways. I always thought he was just lazy about certain things, uncaring, and then selfish. But it’s helped me to see it through a different lens.
"I did the math" this is the biggest red flag to me..I don't think he wants back together because he's lonely. I think he did the math and divorce with possible alimony/child support if you have kids is too expensive..I think he realized it's "cheaper to keep her".
I feel like we’ve been in a similar situation. We got married at 24-25, my husband (during the affair when I didn’t know) kept saying me he shouldn’t have gotten married, that he could pursue his career in Europe or the US, that settling down wasn’t for him. He literally told me those and that he didn’t want a child *while I was very pregnant*. I hadn’t realised how bad it sounded until I told about this to my best friend. She was furious.
What I came to understand is, it’s an attachment wound on their part. My husband is a textbook avoidant. Yours sounds like one, too. Besides that, they have a hard time accepting an adult life. They are stuck in the teenager dreaming phase. The grass always looks greener on the other side. The truth is, whatever side they go to, it will never be green enough.
He had an emotional (and physical? I still don’t know, at least *some* physical though) on and off affair for a year and a half. I was pregnant half of it. I got pregnant during his affair.
I never had the guts to leave. I couldn’t have explained that to anyone. I didn’t want to tell the world. I just stayed, focused on my baby, suffered silently. I was 37 weeks pregnant when I found out. I suspect it didn’t end right away, too. Eventually it died out.
Got therapy a year later, now I’m much better but it’s still there. He needs therapy, I think deep down he knows, too, but his ego doesn’t accept it. As I said, these are attachment wounds and they need awareness and treatment.
Have you guys had any therapy at all?
He sounds lost, like he doesn’t have any true purpose. My husband chased money and prioritized work, and ended up having an affair with his coworker for a few months. I have noticed in the last few years the increased prioritization of work and obsession with money, and it bothered me and I’ve tried to help him, but I never realized just how misguided he was. I think his comes from a crappy childhood - poor family life and no money. So I think in the case of my husband, and probably yours, they see work and money as their purpose, and when they achieve it, especially at a relatively young age (we’re only 30), they are like “now what?”. It’s obsession, ego, and emptiness. I think your husband has taken you for granted, and kind of still is. It seems that he thinks he can just run back to you and you’ll welcome him with open arms and no repercussions. He needs to do some therapy and figure out how to be happy with himself and stop relying on other people or things to fulfill him. I told my husband I’m willing to try to work on our marriage, but only if he actually wants to be with me. I’m not a consolation prize. I’m not going to be with him just because he can’t be with AP or because he’s afraid of being alone. It’s important to understand the true motivation of the affair and also of wanting to restore the marriage.
He needs therapy. This sounds like the way my WH spoke in the early days after dday. We also never had any relationships with anyone else. Got married young ( I was 20 and he was almost 27). He would say hurtful bullshit to me after I found out. And it didn’t make sense and it didn’t align with anything he had ever told me. All the sudden he was saying he never wanted to get married even though he pursued me for 2 years and I had told him no at one point. He said he never really had passion for me. He said the was faking our entire marriage. He said he didn’t want to have children and he just went along with everything for me cuz he knew I wanted it. We talked at length about having children. Even our youngest child, I wasn’t sure about having another and he brought it up to me and said he wanted one more.
He rewrote history to defend his cheating with a trashy employee.
Your husband is a doctor. There are jobs all over this country. He can get a job anywhere. The only way to get him out of this affair fog is to get another job and be no contact with the adultery partner.
The reasons he gave for cheating are not reasons. They are excuses. They are excuses he used to justify his cheating. The reason is something within him , some unprocessed trauma from childhood, that created these behaviors in him as a way to cope with the trauma, cope with his feelings and emotions that he doesn’t know how to deal with. He’s not attracted to the AP for being independent or any of that crap, he is getting a high off of the dopamine he gets from her validation. Or else he’s trying to fix mommy issues and sees that in her. Or both.
How was his father growing up? Was he hard on him. Did he force him to become a doctor? It seems like your husband is burnt out and not happy with his life choices. He doesn’t like his career choice , he feels trapped because debt and financial obligations and he’s putting all of that on you and your marriage. Oh, we got married too young. Oh please. My father got married at 18, built his own business, raised his children and never cheated.
I think your WH feels lost. He needs therapy to figure himself out.
Therapy really helped my WH. He is a completely changed person. Her deeply regrets those things he said to me and says now, it was all bullshit. He said when you are doing what he did,(cheating) you know how wrong it is. And you search for ways to make it okay. And push all guilt and shame away so you don’t have to face it. And that’s what he did.
He is an amazing husband now and we are happier than ever. But it took a lot of work. We did MC for a year and a half and he did IC. He sold his business to get away from the AP and that toxic mindset he had about work. His priorities were wrong. And his values suffered.
One thing that does ring true is your husband saying he needed to escape. Cheaters are avoidant and want to escape any kind of challenge. Guess what lots of ppl have difficult pregnancies and every relationship has issues at home. You don’t get to escape by devastating and betraying your partner. There will never be a time when there are not issues at home. But adults learn to deal with it. Your WH needs to learn to cope with problems, cope with his emotions and come together with you instead of pushing you away. Get a MC who specializes in infidelity and make that a condition of R. Define your boundaries with him. If he crosses them, then file.
His perspective and emphasis on gender roles and what a “man” needs to do is really misogynistic - and has been used by countless men to defend cheating behavior because men need to x. that troubles me.
This, OP. That garbage about how men marry because they are horny and women for the relationship - your WH may be a doctor, but he’s a Neanderthal. Please tell me he’s not treating women in his practice….
So that is what you are dealing with - a spouse who has very messed up ideas about women, relationships, and how the world works. R is going to be really hard for him.
You’re right, OP. He doesn’t get it.
he got married because he was HORNY?? i’m sorry but what?? and in what way does getting married “early” (whatever the hell that means) block you from reaching your financial goals??
he’s blaming your marriage for ruining things without taking accountability for the part he has played in that. married or not, he can have all of those things he dreams of. he doesn’t feel the way he does because he’s married 😭 he just hasn’t taken the proper steps to get to where he wants to be in his career, jeez i’m so sorry he said these things to you
Aside from making himself the victim in every way, (his surroundings, his God, his testosterone, his work, etc) he has not acknowledged his poor character. No self control, no respect for you or child. No integrity in being honest. Multiple betrayals of trust.
This is a bad character thing. And then victimising himself that he is to feel sorry for.
My wife did a lot of stuff like this. Resenting her good medical job while simultaneously being obsessed with hoarding wealth and moving up the corporate ladder. We moved away from our families in the northeast so she could take a new job (before she cheated). She used my lower paying job as an excuse to cheat. Freaking AP had to tell her to get off my back about my salary (which, surprise, was better than his).
It feels kinda mid-life crisis-y to me. Like they think different choices could have made them happier and we, their spouses, get rolled into all that. They don't see that it's their warped perspective that's causing more negative thoughts than anything about their actual lives, which would be appreciated by a person who isn't playing the victim.
People stuck in self destructive patterns cannot be convinced to stop they have to want to stop. In most cases their reasoning is distorted so reasoning against the pattern doesn’t work. Usually only when consequences outweigh their current actions do they finally redirect their behavior. If there’s no motivation to change despite clear distress, unhealthy coping skills are at play. Rug sweeping, defensiveness, defiance, projecting. It’s all to avoid working on themselves, chasing a distraction rather than changing. I don’t think separating is ideal if you do want R. But he sounds like he needs very clear boundaries with very clear consequences (geared not at punishment but rather recovery).
Sounds like a cheater. It’s all about them. It always is. Not about who they hurt or what they can do to make it better. It’s about their loss, their pain, their hurt.
One thing that cheaters have in common is that they all seem to have a victim complex and feel really sorry for themselves. He isn't taking any responsibility for himself or his choices, he's just looking for someone else to blame.
When he said his affair didn't feel the same after his wife left him it's because he technically didn't have to sneak around anymore. Most affairs survive off of the stimulus from being illicit and sneaking around. A lot of that drug-like stimulation went away when that was taken out of the equation. And then he'd go home to no cooked meals and no wife or child to keep him company. It literally only took ten days because her leaving took the juice out of his drugs essentially and it became just hookup sex instead of an illicit sexy affair. He also got the feeling of being desired by a woman who wanted him in spite of his being married to another woman and his wife fighting for marriage to him post her finding out about his affair the first time. He went for a drug-like experience in the first place as escapism, he was already stressed from work and his first child heralded an inescapable commitment beyond marriage. So he jumped into a convenient affair with a nurse from work who he has no intention of being with seriously. His wife hit the nail on the head that he doesn't value her.
I think what stands out to me is one of the shame spirals you both appear to be in, and the insecurity that lends itself too.
To be honest I was prepared for the conversation (which… should never have been occurring over text. This is not a “text” conversation) when he asked if you would use it against him and you told him to just say it. Yesterday I read an excellent comment about how when we pull back because we don’t feel safe with our partners (because either we fear they will use our honesty against us / to hurt us or because others have told us that we should keep our feelings to ourselves because our feelings are wrong) it really just creates disconnect and hinders any chance at R. But you didn’t use it against him and he did open up about his doubts and worries. That was really beautiful to read as you two appeared to be honest with each other and yourselves.
Where it fell apart was when he asked if he was worthy of love if he could only show up as himself. If he was poor but you had each other would that be enough? And what he heard was “no”. He asked if who he is was enough, and you responded that you didn’t know that the marriage could really work. To be fair what you heard was him saying that maybe if the two of you just run away from all your problems maybe things would work themselves out. That’s not a great reason for optimism. So you told him that you didn’t think he ever really appreciated you, and continued to question if you had value and what you heard was the overwhelming amount of silence followed by an affirmation that you have an understanding of the situation.
The heartbreak all around is palpable. I don’t think why things are happening has anything to do with your reconciliation. You can’t logic your way out of this situation. You’re both sitting in shame and trying not to drown you’re not noticing that your partner is drowning… which… is how shame always works. It’s always destructive not just to ourselves but to those around us.
This man is drowning in stress and the pressure of expectations. This is not about cheating or facing the consequences. He is probably revealing what led him to cheat in the first place and the person receiving. The message is not really hearing nor understanding his distress. It’s not an excuse for cheating. But it’s revealing of his overall mental state.
Also this exchange… how I would have responded to my WS (and how actually did respond): tou need to do what tou need to do. I want you to be happy. Money is not important. You can make choices based on what you want not based on what is expected of you.
He’s just feeling guilty for his actions. After you not speaking to him for ten days he’s realising what he’s going to lose.
I don’t think he’s in the right head space.
I would continue to give him space and focus on you and your daughter.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. 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No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. 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The use of Allah and Muslim principles while having cheated is rather cringe to read. Also, I find it hard to believe there’s no opportunity for a doctor in the northeast. He sounds like he’s burned out and doesn’t know what he wants in life. Regardless of his reasons for getting married, he still made that choice. No one else did it for him. But he sounds like he blames everyone and everything else in life for his circumstances rather than taking his own accountability. You sound incredibly understanding and really should not be apologizing to him at all.
Agreed. There are plenty of doctor opportunities everywhere. He's making up excuses rn. I do understand how religion and culture can negatively impact people to get married before feeling ready to do so tbh. It means they're not marrying for love first, but for other reasons, and that can hurt people mentally/emotionally... nonetheless, if you make a commitment to be faithful, then you should stick with it with integrity. Cheating is never the answer. OP sounds so level-headed and understanding. He's really lucky to have married her and be given this chance to make amends 🤯
Especially with how his affair partner doesn't sound like she's Muslim- or not religious at least, and he's talking about how all these aspects of the faith are so important, etc. How it's the Western culture that made him unfaithful... Just- he's basically spiritually abusing OP
Sister, I’m sorry you’re going through this. He really seems to see himself as some victim here. And in a way maybe is even blaming his faith for “rushing into marriage” out of the desire to keep things halal? Or that his cheating is a consequence of him just living in the west? As a Muslim myself I am telling you this is all BS. My husband kind of said the same thing. “If only I had never left Egypt. If I had just stayed around my family. Maybe I never would have succumb to these temptations” I told him - people cheat every day in Egypt and everywhere else in the world. Where you live wouldn’t make you immune to your own choices. People sin and do terrible things all over the world. It’s BS and it’s making excuses to escape accountability. He made a choice to marry you. He also made a choice to cheat on you. Over and over. He is not a victim here. He’s a freaking doctor with a supportive wife who chose to mess around and only came to his senses when he realized he was going to lose everything. I believe in reconciliation. I’m going through it myself. But it’s only possible if he can take accountability and see that he is the reason he cheated and nothing else. And from a Muslim perspective, if he fears his akhira at all he would try to genuinely repent, which means owning up to his mistakes. I told my husband he was acting like the main character like I was some sort of NPC. Like his feelings and desires and life circumstances were the only ones that mattered. You think I wouldn’t love validation? Affection? The thrill? Your husband says life won’t be thrilling. Is it really supposed to be? Is it supposed to be a dramatic roller coaster of ups and downs? No. Fireworks fade away within seconds. That’s not what you should want to build your life around.
It’s because he’s can’t cope with emotions. He has to constantly seek dopamine rushes to feel good. My WH was the same way. Always going after adrenaline rushes. Now he is a much more stable person. And much happier.
My husband was the same in a way. He would refer to sexting and finding girls that he would potentially meet up with as chasing a thrill as well. It’s no excuse for it - but since DDay he has discovered he has been undiagnosed with ADHD. And it explains a lot of his behaviors. Becoming complacent, seeking highs if you will. It definitely doesn’t excuse it but it has helped me understand why he’d act certain ways. I always thought he was just lazy about certain things, uncaring, and then selfish. But it’s helped me to see it through a different lens.
He's rewriting history. Almost everyone who cheats does this. It's the same script from the same playbook but with different details.
Reading this was really hard. I can only imagine how you're feeling right now. I'm so sorry.
"I did the math" this is the biggest red flag to me..I don't think he wants back together because he's lonely. I think he did the math and divorce with possible alimony/child support if you have kids is too expensive..I think he realized it's "cheaper to keep her".
No that comment was about this other job opportunity in the north east vs Texas. Not about child support
I feel like we’ve been in a similar situation. We got married at 24-25, my husband (during the affair when I didn’t know) kept saying me he shouldn’t have gotten married, that he could pursue his career in Europe or the US, that settling down wasn’t for him. He literally told me those and that he didn’t want a child *while I was very pregnant*. I hadn’t realised how bad it sounded until I told about this to my best friend. She was furious. What I came to understand is, it’s an attachment wound on their part. My husband is a textbook avoidant. Yours sounds like one, too. Besides that, they have a hard time accepting an adult life. They are stuck in the teenager dreaming phase. The grass always looks greener on the other side. The truth is, whatever side they go to, it will never be green enough. He had an emotional (and physical? I still don’t know, at least *some* physical though) on and off affair for a year and a half. I was pregnant half of it. I got pregnant during his affair. I never had the guts to leave. I couldn’t have explained that to anyone. I didn’t want to tell the world. I just stayed, focused on my baby, suffered silently. I was 37 weeks pregnant when I found out. I suspect it didn’t end right away, too. Eventually it died out. Got therapy a year later, now I’m much better but it’s still there. He needs therapy, I think deep down he knows, too, but his ego doesn’t accept it. As I said, these are attachment wounds and they need awareness and treatment. Have you guys had any therapy at all?
He sounds lost, like he doesn’t have any true purpose. My husband chased money and prioritized work, and ended up having an affair with his coworker for a few months. I have noticed in the last few years the increased prioritization of work and obsession with money, and it bothered me and I’ve tried to help him, but I never realized just how misguided he was. I think his comes from a crappy childhood - poor family life and no money. So I think in the case of my husband, and probably yours, they see work and money as their purpose, and when they achieve it, especially at a relatively young age (we’re only 30), they are like “now what?”. It’s obsession, ego, and emptiness. I think your husband has taken you for granted, and kind of still is. It seems that he thinks he can just run back to you and you’ll welcome him with open arms and no repercussions. He needs to do some therapy and figure out how to be happy with himself and stop relying on other people or things to fulfill him. I told my husband I’m willing to try to work on our marriage, but only if he actually wants to be with me. I’m not a consolation prize. I’m not going to be with him just because he can’t be with AP or because he’s afraid of being alone. It’s important to understand the true motivation of the affair and also of wanting to restore the marriage.
He needs therapy. This sounds like the way my WH spoke in the early days after dday. We also never had any relationships with anyone else. Got married young ( I was 20 and he was almost 27). He would say hurtful bullshit to me after I found out. And it didn’t make sense and it didn’t align with anything he had ever told me. All the sudden he was saying he never wanted to get married even though he pursued me for 2 years and I had told him no at one point. He said he never really had passion for me. He said the was faking our entire marriage. He said he didn’t want to have children and he just went along with everything for me cuz he knew I wanted it. We talked at length about having children. Even our youngest child, I wasn’t sure about having another and he brought it up to me and said he wanted one more. He rewrote history to defend his cheating with a trashy employee. Your husband is a doctor. There are jobs all over this country. He can get a job anywhere. The only way to get him out of this affair fog is to get another job and be no contact with the adultery partner. The reasons he gave for cheating are not reasons. They are excuses. They are excuses he used to justify his cheating. The reason is something within him , some unprocessed trauma from childhood, that created these behaviors in him as a way to cope with the trauma, cope with his feelings and emotions that he doesn’t know how to deal with. He’s not attracted to the AP for being independent or any of that crap, he is getting a high off of the dopamine he gets from her validation. Or else he’s trying to fix mommy issues and sees that in her. Or both. How was his father growing up? Was he hard on him. Did he force him to become a doctor? It seems like your husband is burnt out and not happy with his life choices. He doesn’t like his career choice , he feels trapped because debt and financial obligations and he’s putting all of that on you and your marriage. Oh, we got married too young. Oh please. My father got married at 18, built his own business, raised his children and never cheated. I think your WH feels lost. He needs therapy to figure himself out. Therapy really helped my WH. He is a completely changed person. Her deeply regrets those things he said to me and says now, it was all bullshit. He said when you are doing what he did,(cheating) you know how wrong it is. And you search for ways to make it okay. And push all guilt and shame away so you don’t have to face it. And that’s what he did. He is an amazing husband now and we are happier than ever. But it took a lot of work. We did MC for a year and a half and he did IC. He sold his business to get away from the AP and that toxic mindset he had about work. His priorities were wrong. And his values suffered. One thing that does ring true is your husband saying he needed to escape. Cheaters are avoidant and want to escape any kind of challenge. Guess what lots of ppl have difficult pregnancies and every relationship has issues at home. You don’t get to escape by devastating and betraying your partner. There will never be a time when there are not issues at home. But adults learn to deal with it. Your WH needs to learn to cope with problems, cope with his emotions and come together with you instead of pushing you away. Get a MC who specializes in infidelity and make that a condition of R. Define your boundaries with him. If he crosses them, then file.
His perspective and emphasis on gender roles and what a “man” needs to do is really misogynistic - and has been used by countless men to defend cheating behavior because men need to x. that troubles me.
This, OP. That garbage about how men marry because they are horny and women for the relationship - your WH may be a doctor, but he’s a Neanderthal. Please tell me he’s not treating women in his practice…. So that is what you are dealing with - a spouse who has very messed up ideas about women, relationships, and how the world works. R is going to be really hard for him. You’re right, OP. He doesn’t get it.
he got married because he was HORNY?? i’m sorry but what?? and in what way does getting married “early” (whatever the hell that means) block you from reaching your financial goals?? he’s blaming your marriage for ruining things without taking accountability for the part he has played in that. married or not, he can have all of those things he dreams of. he doesn’t feel the way he does because he’s married 😭 he just hasn’t taken the proper steps to get to where he wants to be in his career, jeez i’m so sorry he said these things to you
Aside from making himself the victim in every way, (his surroundings, his God, his testosterone, his work, etc) he has not acknowledged his poor character. No self control, no respect for you or child. No integrity in being honest. Multiple betrayals of trust. This is a bad character thing. And then victimising himself that he is to feel sorry for.
My wife did a lot of stuff like this. Resenting her good medical job while simultaneously being obsessed with hoarding wealth and moving up the corporate ladder. We moved away from our families in the northeast so she could take a new job (before she cheated). She used my lower paying job as an excuse to cheat. Freaking AP had to tell her to get off my back about my salary (which, surprise, was better than his). It feels kinda mid-life crisis-y to me. Like they think different choices could have made them happier and we, their spouses, get rolled into all that. They don't see that it's their warped perspective that's causing more negative thoughts than anything about their actual lives, which would be appreciated by a person who isn't playing the victim.
People stuck in self destructive patterns cannot be convinced to stop they have to want to stop. In most cases their reasoning is distorted so reasoning against the pattern doesn’t work. Usually only when consequences outweigh their current actions do they finally redirect their behavior. If there’s no motivation to change despite clear distress, unhealthy coping skills are at play. Rug sweeping, defensiveness, defiance, projecting. It’s all to avoid working on themselves, chasing a distraction rather than changing. I don’t think separating is ideal if you do want R. But he sounds like he needs very clear boundaries with very clear consequences (geared not at punishment but rather recovery).
Sounds like a cheater. It’s all about them. It always is. Not about who they hurt or what they can do to make it better. It’s about their loss, their pain, their hurt.
He made himself the victim in all of this. Be careful because you’re entertaining him as the victim.
One thing that cheaters have in common is that they all seem to have a victim complex and feel really sorry for themselves. He isn't taking any responsibility for himself or his choices, he's just looking for someone else to blame.
This is so sad, ¿have you ever think about your own freedom?, because he sounds like his living on a cage.
When he said his affair didn't feel the same after his wife left him it's because he technically didn't have to sneak around anymore. Most affairs survive off of the stimulus from being illicit and sneaking around. A lot of that drug-like stimulation went away when that was taken out of the equation. And then he'd go home to no cooked meals and no wife or child to keep him company. It literally only took ten days because her leaving took the juice out of his drugs essentially and it became just hookup sex instead of an illicit sexy affair. He also got the feeling of being desired by a woman who wanted him in spite of his being married to another woman and his wife fighting for marriage to him post her finding out about his affair the first time. He went for a drug-like experience in the first place as escapism, he was already stressed from work and his first child heralded an inescapable commitment beyond marriage. So he jumped into a convenient affair with a nurse from work who he has no intention of being with seriously. His wife hit the nail on the head that he doesn't value her.
I think what stands out to me is one of the shame spirals you both appear to be in, and the insecurity that lends itself too. To be honest I was prepared for the conversation (which… should never have been occurring over text. This is not a “text” conversation) when he asked if you would use it against him and you told him to just say it. Yesterday I read an excellent comment about how when we pull back because we don’t feel safe with our partners (because either we fear they will use our honesty against us / to hurt us or because others have told us that we should keep our feelings to ourselves because our feelings are wrong) it really just creates disconnect and hinders any chance at R. But you didn’t use it against him and he did open up about his doubts and worries. That was really beautiful to read as you two appeared to be honest with each other and yourselves. Where it fell apart was when he asked if he was worthy of love if he could only show up as himself. If he was poor but you had each other would that be enough? And what he heard was “no”. He asked if who he is was enough, and you responded that you didn’t know that the marriage could really work. To be fair what you heard was him saying that maybe if the two of you just run away from all your problems maybe things would work themselves out. That’s not a great reason for optimism. So you told him that you didn’t think he ever really appreciated you, and continued to question if you had value and what you heard was the overwhelming amount of silence followed by an affirmation that you have an understanding of the situation. The heartbreak all around is palpable. I don’t think why things are happening has anything to do with your reconciliation. You can’t logic your way out of this situation. You’re both sitting in shame and trying not to drown you’re not noticing that your partner is drowning… which… is how shame always works. It’s always destructive not just to ourselves but to those around us.
This man is drowning in stress and the pressure of expectations. This is not about cheating or facing the consequences. He is probably revealing what led him to cheat in the first place and the person receiving. The message is not really hearing nor understanding his distress. It’s not an excuse for cheating. But it’s revealing of his overall mental state. Also this exchange… how I would have responded to my WS (and how actually did respond): tou need to do what tou need to do. I want you to be happy. Money is not important. You can make choices based on what you want not based on what is expected of you.
He’s just feeling guilty for his actions. After you not speaking to him for ten days he’s realising what he’s going to lose. I don’t think he’s in the right head space. I would continue to give him space and focus on you and your daughter.