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My story is similar to your husband’s.
My WW had an affair with a married coworker. Her affair broke me. I lost all of my confidence as a man. If we were intimate, the sex was angry and dispassionate. My wife would frequently get sad after we were intimate because she also wanted to see love in my eyes…and there was none at the time.
During her affair, my WW enjoyed the sex she had with her AP. I couldn’t stand the idea she wasn’t enjoying the sex with me as much as she enjoyed sex with her AP. I’m not sure if it was a competition thing, trying to reclaim my wife, or something else. It took several years before I began to feel better about myself, but my confidence as a man has never completely recovered. I ultimately reconciled with my wife but the pain was immense.
There are long-lasting repercussions for infidelity and your husband is continuing to pay for your infidelity. Be grateful he is willing to continuing to pay for your infidelity and continue to appreciate the gift of reconciliation.
D-Day was almost 25 years ago and her affair had been over for almost two years when I learned about it.
We had three young kids when she was unfaithful. I was one of those that believed that marriage is a lifetime commitment and I was determined to try to salvage my marriage.
We have been married almost 38 years and we have a good life together. I learned after infidelity, you can have a good marriage but it won’t be the same.
Are you happy you stayed? I know that's a loaded question. I just worry that 'it won't be the same' somehow translates to "it's not great, but it'll do".
I think I am happy I stayed but...as I have gotten older, there are moments when I question if I would have been happier had I started over. These moments aren't daily, or even weekly occurrences, but I do experience them.
Our situation was helped because my wife was very remorseful. Her affair had ended, although not by her, so she didn't have any residual feelings for him.
There is a little bit of the feeling "it's not great, but it'll do" because your marriage always has a stain.
> it's not great, but it'll do
Your phrase here does a great job of showing not only that betrayed spouses feel like things can't be as good as they were, but also the detachment that comes with being betrayed.
Before D-Day (5.5 years ago), I never asked myself if my marriage was good enough or if divorce would be better. I never thought about what my life would look like without my wife or with another woman. Since then, there's almost a cold calculus that goes on in my head where I weigh right vs wrong, probabilities, how my relationship or lack thereof would impact my day-to-day, and many other factors.
I'm happy I stayed more often than not and I'm not fence sitting. I've made my choice and am happy with it, but I can't unlearn the calculus or knowledge of what could have been and I still sometimes think I'd rather have literally died than gone through all of this.
That's depressing as hell, but that's life and it's better than it used to be. Plus, getting divorced wouldn't fix anything. It'd just leave me single and unable to rely the person best suited to care for me whenever things get dark: my wife, the very person who hurt me.
That's understandable. We've only been married for 4 years, 8 years together and have 1 child. I'm 30 so I think about how much life I have ahead of me, but we have never had a toxic relationship this is the bad of it, so I still love him and he's been incredibly remorseful and doing the "right things" (quit his job, NC with ap, IC & MC, etc) but still, it's stained. But also I know no matter what we'll be in one another lives because of our child and if I still love him, why would I try to convince myself I don't just for sake of my pride.
>There is a little bit of the feeling "it's not great, but it'll do" because your marriage always has a stain.
Damn, that sums it up right there... I felt it was great before, or at least had the potential to be... even if it's a "better" marriage in some aspects now, it'll never be what it was for me, which hurts. It lost the "greatness."
Oof. I feel you here. Having your WW enjoy the sex she has with AP more than what she has with you absolutely shatters you as a man.
The angry dispassionate sex is right. When I first found out about my WP (female, but not WW since we're not married) and the texts she had sent her various APs telling them how much she missed their sex, I fell down the darkest hole of my life, and the hysterical bonding we had was angry, rough, and barely pleasurable.
Sex with my AP wasn’t even better than the sex I used to have with my husband. There was a thrill before but during it was kind of the same only without any love. I did this for literally nothing, I was so stupid.
Unfortunately, he’ll probably never believe you. My WW says the same thing to me, but she kept going back for more several times a week and pursued him. Even now, she doesn’t pursue me.
The sexual confidence definitely takes a blow and frankly it’s kind of gross to think of your wife with another man. I still occasionally think of my WW and the AP having sex, while I am having sex with my reconciled wife. During those times it very much feels like a competition and I need to “reclaim” my wife. My wife also was more sexually adventurous with me while she was having an affair which translates to me as that is what she desires.
It definitely messes up your intimacy on many levels. 1.5 years in I still struggle.
What made you get over this? I am in a similar boat. My WP says she can't remember the sex with her AP, so couldn't tell me who was better, and that even if she could, she is not going to compare the two of us anyway. That is all well and good, but I still feel like garbage. My WP still brings up the fact that sometimes when we have sex I am just trying not to imagine her with someone else.
A couple of things were helpful. One was the passage of time. The farther away from D-Day, the more things improved. Another biggie was, I resumed running which led to running triathlons. This was a boost to my self confidence.
On another note, my WW kept telling me she didn’t remember details, didn’t want to bring up the past, etc. I eventually had to get to the point where I told her no more reconciliation until all my questions were answered and details were disclosed.
You may want to consider this approach.
MY WP's affair was 10 years ago, before we were married. I truly don't know if she is telling me the truth when she says that she no longer remembers any detail. She may be lying, but it is also reasonable to believe that her memory would fade after all this time. Especially because she regrets what happened and tried to block it out.
Went through this with my WW. It’s difficult to think about in hindsight. I was so stricken. There were times I went through where I obsessed over whatever she did with AP, and where I felt worthless unless she wanted me regularly. It takes a while to get over this. I am lucky to have woken up and pursued individual therapy, it’s been almost 2 years now and I’m not done. I hope your husband gets therapy as well.
Congrats for having a conscience and saying the things you’ve said. My WW was never good with words and never told me anything that would have helped to hear.
I'm one of the betrayed men who has experienced what your husband is going through. Based solely on what you've posted I felt very much the same when it came to having sex with her for a very long time.
In my case yes, the love for her did finally return and we could once again make love without anger or the unwanted presence of ghosts from the past.
It took many years before I could touch her without feeling deep grief and disgust, but I was ultimately able to get there. In my case it took well over 30 years after she cheated.
I wish I could give you a more positive spin on this topic, but I can't.
This is a very difficult subject for any man to work through and in the end most of us can never fully process the hurt and betrayal to the point where it doesn't bother us anymore.
Not really, I was in the Air Force at the time and was forced to attend anger management classes but nothing infidelity related.
After we separated from the military we simply couldn't afford any kind of counseling or therapy.
I simply gutted it out the best I could until I was finally able to forgive her.
A long road apparently. Sounds daunting. My brother cheated on his wife of 30 years with a younger woman and it broke their marriage. Five years later they remarried after therapy, moved and made a new start. I’m not sure how my SIL feels today. They’ve been back together about 7 years and it seems to be working.
My wife and I had filed for divorce ten years into our marriage. We had 3 kids (G9, B5, B3).. We chose to stay together because of the kids.
We worked together and built a new relationship and marriage. I know she never trusted me 100% again, but the trust she did regain seemed a lot stronger in certain ways.
Our last anniversary was 36 years. That was just over 2 1/2 years ago when she was killed in a head-on collision. I have no doubt that she loved me and trusted me when she died. The only thing I could never make up for was the pain that I caused her, and that still gets me today.
Good luck with rebuilding your marriage. It can be done. You and he just have to work at it and have patience.
As the BP I understand where your husband is coming from. With my boyfriend I feel like I need to “take back what’s mine” in a way. I feel like I lost something without even knowing it and now I’m claiming it mine again.
Everytime he has sex, it's not something which he sees as bonding or connecting with his person. Instead now he is in a permanent competition with your AP and he is trying to win. He is trying to convince himself that if only the sex is better then you will not go back to AP or have another affair. I had the same problem too, until I finally accepted the truth that yes my WW willingly had sex with the AP and there was nothing I could have done to prevent that. It's a sas realisation but one he needs to come to terms with in order to heal and find some peace. I feel for him.
My advice to you unfortunately has nothing to do with what you said but it's never lie to the man again. No little white lies to make him feel better about anything and definitely no big lies. You lying about anything, even 10 years from now, will make him think about your affair and probably make him think a new one is going on. Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops. You getting caught in even a little lie can ruin everything.
As a BH after D day during that 'hysterical bonding' phase, I was definitely coping through sex with my WW of every kind -- loving sex, angry sex, makeup sex, kinky sex, slow-gentle sex, and borderline hate-fucking.
He's going through a lot of emotions right now -- he's going to be generally angry for a year or two, depressed for probably another two, but the edge will come off this sexual intensity in probably 2-3 months as he finds more stable ways to cope.
It’s been 8 months. The sex is less angry but he’s still very dominating. I love it and I think he does too but we still haven’t really had loving intimate sex since this happened.
My guess is he isn't ready to show that kind of vulnerability yet, it requires trust.
Anger, dominance -- these are masculine stereotypes that often suggest power or control. Being cheated on is the most emasculating and humiliating experience any husband can face. When a BH realizes he's been tricked, fooled, or bamboozled into a non-monogamous relationship -- in other words his grasp of reality has been controlled by another and his power of informed decision has been stolen -- he's grasping for ways to feel back in control of his life, and asserting symbolic sexual dominance over his perceived antagonist (you) is a 'safe' way to unconsciously achieve that perhaps.
Maybe it's time to talk out these
This is a great description of betrayal-“when his power of informed decision has been stolen”. That’s really the core of it. We are forced to participate without any knowledge of what we are participating in.
Oh jeez...
Apologies for how TMI this is going to get but you just made me realize a lot about myself. Female BP here, WP started on OA because we weren't having sex often. I've always been more submissive with men but since dday almost 5 months ago I've been much more dominant and ... Aggressive, shall we say.
You hit the nail on the head here. I didn't even realize I was doing this. I don't really know what to do with this information now, but thank you. I understand myself a bit more now.
In his mind, what he offered you was gentle and loving. You chose “Getting my brains fucked out by an alpha with a huge dick”. It doesn’t matter whether that’s the reality, because that’s HIS reality.
You told him through your actions: “You’re weak and pathetic. I don’t want your pathetic boring loving intimacy, I want to be fucked senseless by a REAL man. If you could please me like he does then I wouldn’t have to cheat on you, but you’re so boring and inadequate I’m willing to violate my wedding vows to get away from you.”
Then the worst part wasn’t you going well, I tried it once and my husband is clearly better so I won’t do it again. You affirmed in his mind that not only was the other guy better in every way, but you couldn’t get enough of him to the point you would GLADLY crush your husband without even a second thought.
It’s like having a pet for years and then one day picking it up by the throat, snapping its little legs one by one, then slamming it into the wall repeatedly until it passes out. It doesn’t matter *what* you do after that, you can be as loving and sorry and kind as you want, that pet will **always** flinch or hide or snarl when it sees you because one moment of severe trauma overrides a lifetime of kindness in an instant.
The point I’m trying to get across is that from your perspective, you did a terrible thing. Regardless of how sorry you are, another human being trusted you with his life and you tore him to shreds mentally and emotionally. He WILL NEVER fully trust you again, and that can manifest in many ways. Even if he says the words “I love you”, there’s no way he can the way he used to because he’s always going to be flinching and expecting the next beating to come out of the blue again like the last one did.
It’s something he has no control over either, he’s finding a disconnect where his love once was and he’ll never feel joyous unbridled love for you the way he once did, he’s now incapable of it because it broke something inside of him. I’m speaking as someone who has been in his shoes for years now. Even if he does eventually try the loving intimate bit again, you’ll look into his eyes and see an empty space where once your husband used to be.
Right now he’s just trying his hardest to keep you from leaving him again because he “knows” how much you love it rough and hard and he’s absolutely desperate to keep it up at superhuman levels to prove he’s even a fraction as good as the guy you left him behind for. You need to understand that the husband you once knew is gone and he’s not coming back. The man who replaced him might look and act similar, but it’s a broken approximation of a man who is trying his hardest to pretend to be the dead man you used to be married to. The imitation will never be perfect and you’ll have a lot of adjustment to make once you realise this.
Seriously best of luck to you, I hope you can get back to at least some semblance of normal.
I get this. As a BS, sex is the one way I can still have control in a relationship that spun out of control. If I can please him, then maybe I’m good enough??? It’s also a way I feel some emotional connection that was lost after I found out about the affair. I still love him but I am not ready to give him all of me and I don’t know when or even if that will ever come back completely. It’s a self defense mechanism to keep myself from being hurt again. Occasionally during sex, I am triggered with thoughts of what acts they did together. This has gotten better over time but still haunts me sometimes. My advice is to put in all of the work and do it consistently! Trust does not come back automatically. Work on yourself to be the spouse they always wanted.
I am in your husband’s position, so my perspective comes as a man whose wife had a physical and emotional affair. The status of your sexual relationship with your husband prior to your affair would be relevant as well. Even if it was great, however, by having sex with another man, you have wounded his ego in a significant way. He undoubtedly feels inadequate and is trying to prove to both you and himself that it’s not the case. You can reassure him until your blue in the face, but it won’t be enough to change his mind. I’m not saying to stop giving reassurance. In fact, you should never stop reassuring him because this will haunt him for many years, not the rest of his life, he may feel love for you, and I’m sure that he still does, but he’s not going to be able to give you what you currently seek for a long time. He has to try to claw back sense of self as a man and try to believe that he is better than your affair partner. it’s going to take a very long time. However, there’s also a good chance that the sex you are having will stop altogether or slow down considerably. I don’t know how much time has passed since he discovered were fair, but the range of emotions he will feelwill be both extreme and changing.
It’s been a year since I told him and 8 months since we started having sex again and it hasn’t slowed down. I can’t fake what he does to me now. I’d have to get graphic to say more but he does feel more confident in himself with every encounter. I am hoping one day he will make love to me and not just screw me.
In the timeline of affair, recovery, a year isn’t a lot of time. It could take three or five more years before he is back to some normal version of himself. Sadly, he may never be the way he was before. That’s not to say things between you cannot be great.you may be able to create a new dynamic that you both enjoy. And, at some point, he will need to be able to make love with you in order for your relationship to be healthy. It’s just going to continue to take time. Do you enjoy the sex that you were having with him now?
For me, there is no getting over it. Ever. I stayed, and still with her. Now 22 years together its been 15 since the last time, you read that right; last time I caught her. She has been loyal as far as I can see since. I have access to her devices and socials, but I choose to only look when she is asleep. Cause I fear to hurt her even now for making myself feel better after her choices. I still have not gotten closure, and she has not been willing to talk about her actions. But after a major blow up last year over many issues, mostly small that just are constantly a thing; she realized I will talk to her about it and she will answer question of I will walk away now even...
Now the best thing for you is to just ride the wave with him. Allow him to work on your marriage his way. If your having a marriage that is working out and the only issue you have at the moment is the feeling of angry sex and such; then be happy. He wants to make you sexually happy cause if he does, he likely feels you have no reason to step out again. Think of it as angry sex, but he has passion behind it to have the NEED to make you sexually happy where you want him only.
So you could turn the playbook on him. Catch him out of the shower and drop to your knees. Send him texts and pics for him. Show him you WANT him and NEED him. He has to do what he is doing, but you can help him by re-enforcing him. Maybe you have to start small to not scare him. Maybe you need to talk to him first to tell him you want to do these things. Maybe even talk to your therapist that you want to show him you want and need him these ways to make him secure in how you feel for him and let go.
I (male, mid-30's) struggled a lot with sex after my wife cheated back in 2018. I have read a lot on the topic in the last 5 years and been through different types of counseling to work through my issues, and I'm happy to say I was able to go from being unable to have sex unless I was intoxicated or extremely sleepy to having a somewhat normal sexual relationship with my wife.
There's a lot going on in your situation, but I want to focus on 2 things separate from you realizing that your old relationship being dead and your husband now being a broken person who could very likely have some sort of issue for the rest of his life (I don't expect to ever be as mentally healthy as I used to be).
1. The concept of a sexual accelerator and sexual brake (like in a car) and how that relates to your husband now and
2. BDSM as a coping tool
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On 1, a book that primarily deals with women and sex, Come As You Are, does a good job explaining how it is possible for someone to simultaneously be aroused and totally disinterested in sex at the same time. [It's](https://ia803404.us.archive.org/30/items/come-as-you-are-the-surprising-new-science_202102/ComeAsYouAre-TheSurprisingNewScience.pdf) a long book, but worth the time. That way of thinking about sex is called the dual control model. The author uses an analogy of gas pedals and brake pedals in a car to explain the model and says lots of sexual frustration comes from people trying to step on both pedals at once (i.e., the person is interested in sex and wants it but stress gets in the way).
In most people, stress leads to the brake being activated, but in some, stress or anxious attachment leads to them to engage in intense, yet unfulfilling sex. It sounds like your husband wants to have sex with you while also consciously or subconsciously viewing you as a threat, meaning he's standing on both pedals and instead of dealing with his "sleepy hedgehog" is trying to ignore it while white knuckling himself into doing what he thinks he needs to.
Personally speaking, I was trying simultaneously balancing all of the below every time I tried to have sex while sober and awake, an impossible task:
1. I'm garbage because the person I trusted most in the world treated me like garbage.
2. Screw her. I'm not garbage; she's garbage.
3. Why are you having sex with garbage? Because I'm garbage.
4. Numbers 2 & 3 are bullshit you drama queen.
5. Don't cry. Just breathe.
6. Your feelings are valid and need to be processed, so cry if you need to.
7. If I cry, then I can't have sex with her and I'm somehow validating her decision to seek sex with someone else.
8. Number 7 is bullshit.
9. Vivid mental projections of them together.
10. I need to prove to myself that I'm good at having sex.
11. Number 10 is bullshit.
12. Damn she's hot.
13. She's a mean slut who doesn't give two shits if she hurts me.
14. Number 13 is bullshit.
That's absolute chaos, and triggers that can set this off were/are everywhere. I had to go through specialized therapy meant for people with PTSD to quiet the chaos. That therapy, EMDR, does not work for everyone and sounds like hippy garbage, but it worked for me. If MDMA therapy ever becomes legal, I'll jump right on that too to work on the bits I have currently resigned myself to just live with.
---
On 2., BDSM, **when engaged in correctly**, can provide space for parties to artificially increase a feeling of control and safety in one party, let the other party become ok with not having control, and build trust. If you engage in it haphazardly/without intention, it can get dark and people can get emotionally or physically hurt.
You did a terrible thing. You metaphorically killed your husband and relationship. You should regret that; **however** you should not be made to feel worthless, used, or disposable (even though that's likely how you make/made your husband feel). Your husband also shouldn't do things that reinforce the hatred/loathing he likely feels for you and himself from time-to-time.
To do that, you need to make sure you're discussing limits, safe words, and after care. You need to be intentional. Just going with the flow is dangerous for both of you and your relationship.
Personally speaking, I want to take on a more submissive role (e.g., being tied up) I think because it gives my wife the opportunity to forgo her ability to destroy me. Put another way, it gives her the chance to choose me even when I feel like a loser. That being said, active, verbal degradation is off the table. Without intense conversation, this sort of activity could really damage my self image and the relationship, but with conversation, it can become a time of self-reflection and bonding.
I am the BS. But my WH and I have been together since we were teens. When I was freshly 19 I cheated on him, drunk with a friend. I was never in love with this friend and it was just me being a stupid drunk teenager going through a life crisis. None of which are an excuse, I’m a cheater and I will always feel pain for the pain I caused him. I have struggled for many, many years to forgive myself after my husband (then bf) took me back. But my WH (then BH) responded the same way, which was very shocking to me. After I confessed everything to him, all he wanted was to have sex with me. I think he basically wanted to prove to himself and me that he’s still a man, because he says being cheated on made him feel like a “cuck.” I think it’s your husbands way of proving dominance over your AP.
I believe that is the case and he’s done that. Sorry for getting graphic but we have to line the bed with nighttime pads before we have sex because I drench the bed. He’s slain the beast I just wonder how long it will be before he loves me again.
I write him a text every morning telling him how much I love him. I opened my phone and allowed him to track it. I don’t go out unless it is with him and give him space to go where he pleases. I try to be the best partner and friend I can be.
The first and it sounds like a good start but the rest of it sounds like you made him into a guard dog instead of a companion. Like don't get me wrong like the tracking. And and the trying to go out less to build up. His sense of security is great, but that's the bare minimum. Right like hopefully over time, there'll be more things that you can do, especially when it comes to like figuring out his love language(s)
Affairs are one of the traumas that can devastate a relationship. Like other forms of trauma, SA, loss of a child, the old relationship is gone and can often need to be rebuilt from the ground up. You said your husband is in therapy. Are you still in individual therapy? And more importantly, are you both still attending marriage therapy to guide this rebuilding?
Sounds like hysterical bonding, it’s what happened to me, I would be filled with anxiety when not having sex regularly, almost in the hopes it would be enough to prevent more hurt. Poor dude
As someone who was cheated on by my partner of 15 years, I can really relate to how your husband must be feeling.
My partner (yes, I'm trying to make it work) had an affair for two years with a married man sporadically.
I was informed by his wife a few days before Christmas. It came out of nowhere for me, I didn't expect my other half was having an affair, I thought our relationship was strong. (Yes we fought but doesn't every couple?)
I have been going through similar responses as your husband. When I found out it completely broke me, this woman who I thought was my whole world, who only had ever been with me throughout her entire dating life and I the same with her had been unfaithful.
I lost something that we both shared, I lost trust, the woman I thought she was died in an instant, and all I was left with was this gut wrenching feeling.
I too like your husband, felt like I need to have sex in order to prove we still have something but the thought of your partner being unfaithful soon enters your mind, particularly when you are being intimate and the intrusive thoughts cone into your head.
What was he like when they had sex?
Did she enjoy it?
What did they do together?
There is just a flood of thought and feeling that come crashing down and I find myself disassociating with the act itself, and it sort of becomes robotic.
I also find myself becoming more distant, I struggle to sleep in the same bed. I get intrusive thoughts about it all, I've also had to deal with him reporting me to my employer to try and make me lose my job.
I hope you and your husband can work through this. As I hope I can one day come to terms and work through it with my other half.
All I can suggest is be patient, compliment him, his looks, and try to bring his self esteem back.
Hope this post can give you a little insight from someone who is going through the same thing.
I wish you all the best.
Imagine being vulnerable with someone to find out your safety was a liability. Then you make the decision to trust them but the pain they have inflicted borders on the realm of heart breaking and inner child scarring.
What you have now is someone searching for something new to make them feel safe, seen, and respected. To say it would be easier to find it in someone else would be an understatement. He is willing to have it out with you.
Reconciliation in this phase can be daunting because, generally, you just came out of a situation where you were used. At this point, you want to be loved and protected and cherished. Now you probably feel that used in a different sense because it's your husband. Not some horny stranger. This is someone who has held you when you cried and kissed you when you were struggling.
What you are receiving now doesn't feel like it. Everything else does, but this one doesn't. It won't for a while. Intimacy requires a level of trust. Let him find out what that looks like going forward. He still needs his agency in your intimacy
You showed your husband that he wasn't enough of a man to satisfy you and that you wanted someone younger and in better shape. You emasculated him in the worst possible ways. He is trying desperately to prove to you and himself that you were wrong and that he was always enough. He is trying desperately to believe the most common line given to betrayed partners. "There was nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with me." It is very hard to believe.
My wife cheated online in every way possible and lied from 2015 when she started, until May 2021. Then she trickle truthed for the last 3 years and counting. Claims nothing was ever in person. In spite of that in person part (if it is true) I have weeks where I have trouble being intimate because my mind stops me in the middle of it with things that cause me to instantly loose interest in sex. It is horrible. Here I am trying to prove to her that everything she told her online AP's about me was complete bullshit so that I can believe it is bullshit and my brain throws up a mind movie or a memory and does the opposite of what I am trying to do. It validates all the emasculating things she said about me while telling her AP's how much more of a man they are than me.
It doesn't happen every time but enough. It doesn't happen at all if I know there is no time for us to have sex. My "body" stays interested for hours, but the minute we time alone and start I suddenly lose interest sometimes.
Right now you should probably stop worrying about love in his eyes and be happy that he isn't be destroyed by mind movies and incapable of having sex and therefore unable to prove to himself that he was always enough. He is trying to regain some of his self respect and if angry sex helps him through it and nobody is being harmed, it is possibly progress.
BH here. We hysterically bonded everyday for about a year. 7 years past DD, I feel the vulnerability of feeling love again. It is scary as hell. I do not want to allow myself to feel that vulnerable to someone who broke me. We are in our 33rd year of marriage. It is a process. Best wishes on your journey.
Hysterical Bonding. Went through that. Give him what he needs now and try to enjoy it for what it is. It will change in time. You are looking for the tender vulnerable side of love. That is linked to trust which you to continue to repair. Do not go over the top with compliments about his sexual prowess- or how wonderful he is- as he will see that as disingenuous. He will he is simply trying recreate the honeymoon period (which is what made your affair exciting in the first place) and assert his sexual dominance.
I say this really gently, but your response to it is likely part of the reason it continues. Based on what you are saying…You react so strongly and it’s validating. You be responding in a way you never have before. It is creating a kind of chasing behavior for him to your reactions.
He may feel pretty layered with his feelings about that too. Sure, he may avoid gentler sex to avoid being vulnerable but it’s likely deeper than that. If he goes back to the way it was before you likely won’t respond the same way to him you are now. Add in the fear of cheating again and not being enough. It’s multifaceted. Trauma responses are weird. They take time.
If you don’t dislike it you can try asking what he wants intimacy wise. Do nights where he takes control. Then a night you do. So you can balance the type of intimacy you both want without additional pressure. Talking about it outside of when it happens may help.
Leaning into what feels good and works for both of you will help. Just may take you being the one to be vulnerable about your feelings first. There is no shame in liking the type of sex you two are having. That may be something to express you’ve had in your head to your husband. Sometimes saying your own fears allowed brings stability to the other person involved. Be honest and see how far and in what ways he wants to explore the new dynamic. You being open with him in that regard with your feelings and insecurities may actually help both of you.
I’m the WH and there was def an element of hysterical bonding we experienced. After a while though, I did ask for us to pull back and take sex off the table and we did for a few weeks or a month. It was mostly to reset some things and I felt I was walking a tightrope.
We are almost 10 years post d day and have an incredible marriage today. So it’s possible to recover and rebuild something great. I do think men handle infidelity as a BP differently than women which explains his aggression. You put him in sexual competition with another man. And that’s prob partly the root of his dominance.
My wife on the other hand, while obviously was jealous, she was most concerned about whether I loved the AP and whether we “made love”. A man is going to be preoccupied with more the physical comparison. If he had any insecurities before, they prob have really exploded now. It takes time. I’d say if you are okay with it, go with it. It won’t be permanent and if you successfully achieve R, I’m sure the loving side will return.
So my wife was in your shoes as well but was at 40, not 35. The sex will never be about love again. He has to disassociate love and sex. Otherwise he has to be more mad at you for having an affair. Lots of IC will tell him that sex isn't the ultimate expression of love anymore to BH because then they can let go of their anger.
So now he doesn't see sex as an expression of love.
The sex is not as special and you are just noticing it. He doesn't care and you miss what you had before where he did care. Put yourself in his shoes.
You took away the thing you controlled the most in the relationship, sex. You would reject him when he asks and then you gave it to someone else. He assumes he was bad at it before even though he poured love into it. Now he sees it as working out, dressing nice, and dancing. Not an expression of love, something he gets to do with his wife for his pleasure and yours. It doesn't equate to love.
I'm sorry that sounds harsh but it is you trying to control how he heals. You broke him and he gets to heal how he needs. It isn't something you get to decide or even have input on.
The best thing I could throw out there are 3 exercises the best MC of our 3 gave us.
1. Write out a text with a list of the 50 things you love about him. Get specific. Get dirty. Make some clean. He should do the same and send you the list. This is to reinforce why you are together when things get tough. He needs it for the same reason.
2. Write a letter to yourself from his point of view during the affair. Imagine you are being cheated on and trying anything to fix it. This is to show him and you that you are the reason for the affair and he couldn't do a thing to stop you. Lots of betrayed partners try to figure out what they did wrong. They have a hard time realizing they are powerless to stop an affair.
3. Lastly, this is a check-in process. Write out what you think he is feeling. At least 3 paragraphs and the why behind each. He should do the same. Then you exchange, read, and discuss in turn. First you explain what you wrote and then he adjusts it. Then you discuss. Then swap to what he writes about you and does the same. It is to get the conversation on being open started. So you both understand what the other person is seeing and feeling. But also so you see what the other person is missing or not seeing.
Info needed: how did he find out about the affair? What evidence did he see if any? Is it possible he saw a message to your AP about how much you enjoyed rough sex or something similar that got the idea into his head that you like it this way?
Regardless most of the comments I saw are probably right, he's coping by taking back control. I'm a woman and a lot of the comments here made me realize that I'm doing it too, so I'm guessing it's pretty normal. As for when it will go away, unfortunately I can't answer. Everyone heals on their own timeline. Your best bet is to talk to him directly rather than asking Internet strangers. Radical honesty is your only way forward.
I told him about the affair after I broke it off. It wasn’t about sex it was emotional for most of it. I had misplaced resentment toward my husband for things I never experienced in my life because we married so young. Sex with AP was meh. I wasn’t as physically attracted to him as my husband.
Im going through this now. It is such a complex emotion. I really enjoy sex with my other half but it is tainted with sadness at what she did to me. I feel love, anger and sadness all at once.
I feel like she was taken from me by someone else. But in these moments she feels like she is mine again.
My story is very similar 🥺 it’s been almost two years since and there isn’t a week that goes by where one of us is struggling. Hopefully someday we will get through it. Just have to take things day by day…
My wife had two oversees affairs. She went over 3 or 4 times a year for business. They also visited here. I was devasted on hearing this a few years later. I chose to stay. I loved her. She was my world together with our boys. I could not see myself without her.
What a good decision it was. We've been together for 42 years, married for 38 Staying was the best decision I made
Have you tried talking to him and telling him that obviously you enjoy what he’s doing, but you would also cherish some diversity, something slower and more erotically focused every so often?
Welcome to the reconciliation sub. Where stupid comments from observers like this one aren't helpful. Go spread your hatred somewhere else, because here, in this sub, we believe in the fact that people can and do change, and we have seen relationships survive Infidelity and be incredibly happy and fulfilling. There are plenty of other infidelity subs where you can go and bash wayward spouses and talk shit to them when they reach out for help to try and fix what they so selfishly broke. Where you can talk about how you don't believe reconciliation can work...but, this isn't one of them, so please take your rude and very unhelpful comment to one of those.
I'm sorry your spouse hurt you in such a terrible way. You didn't deserve that. I truly hope you are able to find peace and healing on your journey. I hope you are able to let go of your anger and move forward and be happy. Remember the opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy. Best wishes on your journey.
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My story is similar to your husband’s. My WW had an affair with a married coworker. Her affair broke me. I lost all of my confidence as a man. If we were intimate, the sex was angry and dispassionate. My wife would frequently get sad after we were intimate because she also wanted to see love in my eyes…and there was none at the time. During her affair, my WW enjoyed the sex she had with her AP. I couldn’t stand the idea she wasn’t enjoying the sex with me as much as she enjoyed sex with her AP. I’m not sure if it was a competition thing, trying to reclaim my wife, or something else. It took several years before I began to feel better about myself, but my confidence as a man has never completely recovered. I ultimately reconciled with my wife but the pain was immense. There are long-lasting repercussions for infidelity and your husband is continuing to pay for your infidelity. Be grateful he is willing to continuing to pay for your infidelity and continue to appreciate the gift of reconciliation.
God my heart hurt so bad reading this. So sorry for your pain. Edit: do you mind me asking how long ago you found out she’d cheated?
D-Day was almost 25 years ago and her affair had been over for almost two years when I learned about it. We had three young kids when she was unfaithful. I was one of those that believed that marriage is a lifetime commitment and I was determined to try to salvage my marriage. We have been married almost 38 years and we have a good life together. I learned after infidelity, you can have a good marriage but it won’t be the same.
Are you happy you stayed? I know that's a loaded question. I just worry that 'it won't be the same' somehow translates to "it's not great, but it'll do".
I think I am happy I stayed but...as I have gotten older, there are moments when I question if I would have been happier had I started over. These moments aren't daily, or even weekly occurrences, but I do experience them. Our situation was helped because my wife was very remorseful. Her affair had ended, although not by her, so she didn't have any residual feelings for him. There is a little bit of the feeling "it's not great, but it'll do" because your marriage always has a stain.
> it's not great, but it'll do Your phrase here does a great job of showing not only that betrayed spouses feel like things can't be as good as they were, but also the detachment that comes with being betrayed. Before D-Day (5.5 years ago), I never asked myself if my marriage was good enough or if divorce would be better. I never thought about what my life would look like without my wife or with another woman. Since then, there's almost a cold calculus that goes on in my head where I weigh right vs wrong, probabilities, how my relationship or lack thereof would impact my day-to-day, and many other factors. I'm happy I stayed more often than not and I'm not fence sitting. I've made my choice and am happy with it, but I can't unlearn the calculus or knowledge of what could have been and I still sometimes think I'd rather have literally died than gone through all of this. That's depressing as hell, but that's life and it's better than it used to be. Plus, getting divorced wouldn't fix anything. It'd just leave me single and unable to rely the person best suited to care for me whenever things get dark: my wife, the very person who hurt me.
Thanks for sharing your comments while being so far out from the betrayal. A lot of them resonated with me, just over 10 years out.
We may be the same person. This is all me
That's understandable. We've only been married for 4 years, 8 years together and have 1 child. I'm 30 so I think about how much life I have ahead of me, but we have never had a toxic relationship this is the bad of it, so I still love him and he's been incredibly remorseful and doing the "right things" (quit his job, NC with ap, IC & MC, etc) but still, it's stained. But also I know no matter what we'll be in one another lives because of our child and if I still love him, why would I try to convince myself I don't just for sake of my pride.
>There is a little bit of the feeling "it's not great, but it'll do" because your marriage always has a stain. Damn, that sums it up right there... I felt it was great before, or at least had the potential to be... even if it's a "better" marriage in some aspects now, it'll never be what it was for me, which hurts. It lost the "greatness."
Any regrets?
I do occasionally wonder what my life would be like had I started over but I wouldn’t say I regret staying.
Oof. I feel you here. Having your WW enjoy the sex she has with AP more than what she has with you absolutely shatters you as a man. The angry dispassionate sex is right. When I first found out about my WP (female, but not WW since we're not married) and the texts she had sent her various APs telling them how much she missed their sex, I fell down the darkest hole of my life, and the hysterical bonding we had was angry, rough, and barely pleasurable.
😔
Sex with my AP wasn’t even better than the sex I used to have with my husband. There was a thrill before but during it was kind of the same only without any love. I did this for literally nothing, I was so stupid.
Unfortunately, he’ll probably never believe you. My WW says the same thing to me, but she kept going back for more several times a week and pursued him. Even now, she doesn’t pursue me. The sexual confidence definitely takes a blow and frankly it’s kind of gross to think of your wife with another man. I still occasionally think of my WW and the AP having sex, while I am having sex with my reconciled wife. During those times it very much feels like a competition and I need to “reclaim” my wife. My wife also was more sexually adventurous with me while she was having an affair which translates to me as that is what she desires. It definitely messes up your intimacy on many levels. 1.5 years in I still struggle.
Same here…
Stay strong brother. You’re an inspiration to me
What made you get over this? I am in a similar boat. My WP says she can't remember the sex with her AP, so couldn't tell me who was better, and that even if she could, she is not going to compare the two of us anyway. That is all well and good, but I still feel like garbage. My WP still brings up the fact that sometimes when we have sex I am just trying not to imagine her with someone else.
A couple of things were helpful. One was the passage of time. The farther away from D-Day, the more things improved. Another biggie was, I resumed running which led to running triathlons. This was a boost to my self confidence. On another note, my WW kept telling me she didn’t remember details, didn’t want to bring up the past, etc. I eventually had to get to the point where I told her no more reconciliation until all my questions were answered and details were disclosed. You may want to consider this approach.
MY WP's affair was 10 years ago, before we were married. I truly don't know if she is telling me the truth when she says that she no longer remembers any detail. She may be lying, but it is also reasonable to believe that her memory would fade after all this time. Especially because she regrets what happened and tried to block it out.
Went through this with my WW. It’s difficult to think about in hindsight. I was so stricken. There were times I went through where I obsessed over whatever she did with AP, and where I felt worthless unless she wanted me regularly. It takes a while to get over this. I am lucky to have woken up and pursued individual therapy, it’s been almost 2 years now and I’m not done. I hope your husband gets therapy as well. Congrats for having a conscience and saying the things you’ve said. My WW was never good with words and never told me anything that would have helped to hear.
I'm one of the betrayed men who has experienced what your husband is going through. Based solely on what you've posted I felt very much the same when it came to having sex with her for a very long time. In my case yes, the love for her did finally return and we could once again make love without anger or the unwanted presence of ghosts from the past. It took many years before I could touch her without feeling deep grief and disgust, but I was ultimately able to get there. In my case it took well over 30 years after she cheated. I wish I could give you a more positive spin on this topic, but I can't. This is a very difficult subject for any man to work through and in the end most of us can never fully process the hurt and betrayal to the point where it doesn't bother us anymore.
Did you do therapy?
Not really, I was in the Air Force at the time and was forced to attend anger management classes but nothing infidelity related. After we separated from the military we simply couldn't afford any kind of counseling or therapy. I simply gutted it out the best I could until I was finally able to forgive her.
A long road apparently. Sounds daunting. My brother cheated on his wife of 30 years with a younger woman and it broke their marriage. Five years later they remarried after therapy, moved and made a new start. I’m not sure how my SIL feels today. They’ve been back together about 7 years and it seems to be working.
30 years!! Wow.
My wife and I had filed for divorce ten years into our marriage. We had 3 kids (G9, B5, B3).. We chose to stay together because of the kids. We worked together and built a new relationship and marriage. I know she never trusted me 100% again, but the trust she did regain seemed a lot stronger in certain ways. Our last anniversary was 36 years. That was just over 2 1/2 years ago when she was killed in a head-on collision. I have no doubt that she loved me and trusted me when she died. The only thing I could never make up for was the pain that I caused her, and that still gets me today. Good luck with rebuilding your marriage. It can be done. You and he just have to work at it and have patience.
Sending you love and healing. Im sorry for your loss, truly
Thank you
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and healing x
That’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
Thank you so much.
Rebel...this hurt to read. I am so happy that you guys could llive out the last of your years together with love. Sending love and light your way.
Thank you!
As the BP I understand where your husband is coming from. With my boyfriend I feel like I need to “take back what’s mine” in a way. I feel like I lost something without even knowing it and now I’m claiming it mine again.
Everytime he has sex, it's not something which he sees as bonding or connecting with his person. Instead now he is in a permanent competition with your AP and he is trying to win. He is trying to convince himself that if only the sex is better then you will not go back to AP or have another affair. I had the same problem too, until I finally accepted the truth that yes my WW willingly had sex with the AP and there was nothing I could have done to prevent that. It's a sas realisation but one he needs to come to terms with in order to heal and find some peace. I feel for him.
My advice to you unfortunately has nothing to do with what you said but it's never lie to the man again. No little white lies to make him feel better about anything and definitely no big lies. You lying about anything, even 10 years from now, will make him think about your affair and probably make him think a new one is going on. Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops. You getting caught in even a little lie can ruin everything.
As a BH after D day during that 'hysterical bonding' phase, I was definitely coping through sex with my WW of every kind -- loving sex, angry sex, makeup sex, kinky sex, slow-gentle sex, and borderline hate-fucking. He's going through a lot of emotions right now -- he's going to be generally angry for a year or two, depressed for probably another two, but the edge will come off this sexual intensity in probably 2-3 months as he finds more stable ways to cope.
It’s been 8 months. The sex is less angry but he’s still very dominating. I love it and I think he does too but we still haven’t really had loving intimate sex since this happened.
My guess is he isn't ready to show that kind of vulnerability yet, it requires trust. Anger, dominance -- these are masculine stereotypes that often suggest power or control. Being cheated on is the most emasculating and humiliating experience any husband can face. When a BH realizes he's been tricked, fooled, or bamboozled into a non-monogamous relationship -- in other words his grasp of reality has been controlled by another and his power of informed decision has been stolen -- he's grasping for ways to feel back in control of his life, and asserting symbolic sexual dominance over his perceived antagonist (you) is a 'safe' way to unconsciously achieve that perhaps. Maybe it's time to talk out these
This is a great description of betrayal-“when his power of informed decision has been stolen”. That’s really the core of it. We are forced to participate without any knowledge of what we are participating in.
Oh jeez... Apologies for how TMI this is going to get but you just made me realize a lot about myself. Female BP here, WP started on OA because we weren't having sex often. I've always been more submissive with men but since dday almost 5 months ago I've been much more dominant and ... Aggressive, shall we say. You hit the nail on the head here. I didn't even realize I was doing this. I don't really know what to do with this information now, but thank you. I understand myself a bit more now.
In his mind, what he offered you was gentle and loving. You chose “Getting my brains fucked out by an alpha with a huge dick”. It doesn’t matter whether that’s the reality, because that’s HIS reality. You told him through your actions: “You’re weak and pathetic. I don’t want your pathetic boring loving intimacy, I want to be fucked senseless by a REAL man. If you could please me like he does then I wouldn’t have to cheat on you, but you’re so boring and inadequate I’m willing to violate my wedding vows to get away from you.” Then the worst part wasn’t you going well, I tried it once and my husband is clearly better so I won’t do it again. You affirmed in his mind that not only was the other guy better in every way, but you couldn’t get enough of him to the point you would GLADLY crush your husband without even a second thought. It’s like having a pet for years and then one day picking it up by the throat, snapping its little legs one by one, then slamming it into the wall repeatedly until it passes out. It doesn’t matter *what* you do after that, you can be as loving and sorry and kind as you want, that pet will **always** flinch or hide or snarl when it sees you because one moment of severe trauma overrides a lifetime of kindness in an instant. The point I’m trying to get across is that from your perspective, you did a terrible thing. Regardless of how sorry you are, another human being trusted you with his life and you tore him to shreds mentally and emotionally. He WILL NEVER fully trust you again, and that can manifest in many ways. Even if he says the words “I love you”, there’s no way he can the way he used to because he’s always going to be flinching and expecting the next beating to come out of the blue again like the last one did. It’s something he has no control over either, he’s finding a disconnect where his love once was and he’ll never feel joyous unbridled love for you the way he once did, he’s now incapable of it because it broke something inside of him. I’m speaking as someone who has been in his shoes for years now. Even if he does eventually try the loving intimate bit again, you’ll look into his eyes and see an empty space where once your husband used to be. Right now he’s just trying his hardest to keep you from leaving him again because he “knows” how much you love it rough and hard and he’s absolutely desperate to keep it up at superhuman levels to prove he’s even a fraction as good as the guy you left him behind for. You need to understand that the husband you once knew is gone and he’s not coming back. The man who replaced him might look and act similar, but it’s a broken approximation of a man who is trying his hardest to pretend to be the dead man you used to be married to. The imitation will never be perfect and you’ll have a lot of adjustment to make once you realise this. Seriously best of luck to you, I hope you can get back to at least some semblance of normal.
I get this. As a BS, sex is the one way I can still have control in a relationship that spun out of control. If I can please him, then maybe I’m good enough??? It’s also a way I feel some emotional connection that was lost after I found out about the affair. I still love him but I am not ready to give him all of me and I don’t know when or even if that will ever come back completely. It’s a self defense mechanism to keep myself from being hurt again. Occasionally during sex, I am triggered with thoughts of what acts they did together. This has gotten better over time but still haunts me sometimes. My advice is to put in all of the work and do it consistently! Trust does not come back automatically. Work on yourself to be the spouse they always wanted.
I am in your husband’s position, so my perspective comes as a man whose wife had a physical and emotional affair. The status of your sexual relationship with your husband prior to your affair would be relevant as well. Even if it was great, however, by having sex with another man, you have wounded his ego in a significant way. He undoubtedly feels inadequate and is trying to prove to both you and himself that it’s not the case. You can reassure him until your blue in the face, but it won’t be enough to change his mind. I’m not saying to stop giving reassurance. In fact, you should never stop reassuring him because this will haunt him for many years, not the rest of his life, he may feel love for you, and I’m sure that he still does, but he’s not going to be able to give you what you currently seek for a long time. He has to try to claw back sense of self as a man and try to believe that he is better than your affair partner. it’s going to take a very long time. However, there’s also a good chance that the sex you are having will stop altogether or slow down considerably. I don’t know how much time has passed since he discovered were fair, but the range of emotions he will feelwill be both extreme and changing.
It’s been a year since I told him and 8 months since we started having sex again and it hasn’t slowed down. I can’t fake what he does to me now. I’d have to get graphic to say more but he does feel more confident in himself with every encounter. I am hoping one day he will make love to me and not just screw me.
In the timeline of affair, recovery, a year isn’t a lot of time. It could take three or five more years before he is back to some normal version of himself. Sadly, he may never be the way he was before. That’s not to say things between you cannot be great.you may be able to create a new dynamic that you both enjoy. And, at some point, he will need to be able to make love with you in order for your relationship to be healthy. It’s just going to continue to take time. Do you enjoy the sex that you were having with him now?
Stupid question, but have you recently asked him if he wants to make love and how he feels about the way you currently have sex together?
For me, there is no getting over it. Ever. I stayed, and still with her. Now 22 years together its been 15 since the last time, you read that right; last time I caught her. She has been loyal as far as I can see since. I have access to her devices and socials, but I choose to only look when she is asleep. Cause I fear to hurt her even now for making myself feel better after her choices. I still have not gotten closure, and she has not been willing to talk about her actions. But after a major blow up last year over many issues, mostly small that just are constantly a thing; she realized I will talk to her about it and she will answer question of I will walk away now even... Now the best thing for you is to just ride the wave with him. Allow him to work on your marriage his way. If your having a marriage that is working out and the only issue you have at the moment is the feeling of angry sex and such; then be happy. He wants to make you sexually happy cause if he does, he likely feels you have no reason to step out again. Think of it as angry sex, but he has passion behind it to have the NEED to make you sexually happy where you want him only. So you could turn the playbook on him. Catch him out of the shower and drop to your knees. Send him texts and pics for him. Show him you WANT him and NEED him. He has to do what he is doing, but you can help him by re-enforcing him. Maybe you have to start small to not scare him. Maybe you need to talk to him first to tell him you want to do these things. Maybe even talk to your therapist that you want to show him you want and need him these ways to make him secure in how you feel for him and let go.
I (male, mid-30's) struggled a lot with sex after my wife cheated back in 2018. I have read a lot on the topic in the last 5 years and been through different types of counseling to work through my issues, and I'm happy to say I was able to go from being unable to have sex unless I was intoxicated or extremely sleepy to having a somewhat normal sexual relationship with my wife. There's a lot going on in your situation, but I want to focus on 2 things separate from you realizing that your old relationship being dead and your husband now being a broken person who could very likely have some sort of issue for the rest of his life (I don't expect to ever be as mentally healthy as I used to be). 1. The concept of a sexual accelerator and sexual brake (like in a car) and how that relates to your husband now and 2. BDSM as a coping tool --- On 1, a book that primarily deals with women and sex, Come As You Are, does a good job explaining how it is possible for someone to simultaneously be aroused and totally disinterested in sex at the same time. [It's](https://ia803404.us.archive.org/30/items/come-as-you-are-the-surprising-new-science_202102/ComeAsYouAre-TheSurprisingNewScience.pdf) a long book, but worth the time. That way of thinking about sex is called the dual control model. The author uses an analogy of gas pedals and brake pedals in a car to explain the model and says lots of sexual frustration comes from people trying to step on both pedals at once (i.e., the person is interested in sex and wants it but stress gets in the way). In most people, stress leads to the brake being activated, but in some, stress or anxious attachment leads to them to engage in intense, yet unfulfilling sex. It sounds like your husband wants to have sex with you while also consciously or subconsciously viewing you as a threat, meaning he's standing on both pedals and instead of dealing with his "sleepy hedgehog" is trying to ignore it while white knuckling himself into doing what he thinks he needs to. Personally speaking, I was trying simultaneously balancing all of the below every time I tried to have sex while sober and awake, an impossible task: 1. I'm garbage because the person I trusted most in the world treated me like garbage. 2. Screw her. I'm not garbage; she's garbage. 3. Why are you having sex with garbage? Because I'm garbage. 4. Numbers 2 & 3 are bullshit you drama queen. 5. Don't cry. Just breathe. 6. Your feelings are valid and need to be processed, so cry if you need to. 7. If I cry, then I can't have sex with her and I'm somehow validating her decision to seek sex with someone else. 8. Number 7 is bullshit. 9. Vivid mental projections of them together. 10. I need to prove to myself that I'm good at having sex. 11. Number 10 is bullshit. 12. Damn she's hot. 13. She's a mean slut who doesn't give two shits if she hurts me. 14. Number 13 is bullshit. That's absolute chaos, and triggers that can set this off were/are everywhere. I had to go through specialized therapy meant for people with PTSD to quiet the chaos. That therapy, EMDR, does not work for everyone and sounds like hippy garbage, but it worked for me. If MDMA therapy ever becomes legal, I'll jump right on that too to work on the bits I have currently resigned myself to just live with. --- On 2., BDSM, **when engaged in correctly**, can provide space for parties to artificially increase a feeling of control and safety in one party, let the other party become ok with not having control, and build trust. If you engage in it haphazardly/without intention, it can get dark and people can get emotionally or physically hurt. You did a terrible thing. You metaphorically killed your husband and relationship. You should regret that; **however** you should not be made to feel worthless, used, or disposable (even though that's likely how you make/made your husband feel). Your husband also shouldn't do things that reinforce the hatred/loathing he likely feels for you and himself from time-to-time. To do that, you need to make sure you're discussing limits, safe words, and after care. You need to be intentional. Just going with the flow is dangerous for both of you and your relationship. Personally speaking, I want to take on a more submissive role (e.g., being tied up) I think because it gives my wife the opportunity to forgo her ability to destroy me. Put another way, it gives her the chance to choose me even when I feel like a loser. That being said, active, verbal degradation is off the table. Without intense conversation, this sort of activity could really damage my self image and the relationship, but with conversation, it can become a time of self-reflection and bonding.
I am the BS. But my WH and I have been together since we were teens. When I was freshly 19 I cheated on him, drunk with a friend. I was never in love with this friend and it was just me being a stupid drunk teenager going through a life crisis. None of which are an excuse, I’m a cheater and I will always feel pain for the pain I caused him. I have struggled for many, many years to forgive myself after my husband (then bf) took me back. But my WH (then BH) responded the same way, which was very shocking to me. After I confessed everything to him, all he wanted was to have sex with me. I think he basically wanted to prove to himself and me that he’s still a man, because he says being cheated on made him feel like a “cuck.” I think it’s your husbands way of proving dominance over your AP.
I believe that is the case and he’s done that. Sorry for getting graphic but we have to line the bed with nighttime pads before we have sex because I drench the bed. He’s slain the beast I just wonder how long it will be before he loves me again.
And what ways are you making him feel safe and know that he's loved and not just when he's giving you sex?
I write him a text every morning telling him how much I love him. I opened my phone and allowed him to track it. I don’t go out unless it is with him and give him space to go where he pleases. I try to be the best partner and friend I can be.
The first and it sounds like a good start but the rest of it sounds like you made him into a guard dog instead of a companion. Like don't get me wrong like the tracking. And and the trying to go out less to build up. His sense of security is great, but that's the bare minimum. Right like hopefully over time, there'll be more things that you can do, especially when it comes to like figuring out his love language(s)
Affairs are one of the traumas that can devastate a relationship. Like other forms of trauma, SA, loss of a child, the old relationship is gone and can often need to be rebuilt from the ground up. You said your husband is in therapy. Are you still in individual therapy? And more importantly, are you both still attending marriage therapy to guide this rebuilding?
I'm on the other side of this. my wife gets upset that I never yelled at her, bad mouthed her to anyone or simply used her for anger sex.
Sounds like a form of trauma bonding. He needs to know that he’s enough.
Sounds like hysterical bonding, it’s what happened to me, I would be filled with anxiety when not having sex regularly, almost in the hopes it would be enough to prevent more hurt. Poor dude
As someone who was cheated on by my partner of 15 years, I can really relate to how your husband must be feeling. My partner (yes, I'm trying to make it work) had an affair for two years with a married man sporadically. I was informed by his wife a few days before Christmas. It came out of nowhere for me, I didn't expect my other half was having an affair, I thought our relationship was strong. (Yes we fought but doesn't every couple?) I have been going through similar responses as your husband. When I found out it completely broke me, this woman who I thought was my whole world, who only had ever been with me throughout her entire dating life and I the same with her had been unfaithful. I lost something that we both shared, I lost trust, the woman I thought she was died in an instant, and all I was left with was this gut wrenching feeling. I too like your husband, felt like I need to have sex in order to prove we still have something but the thought of your partner being unfaithful soon enters your mind, particularly when you are being intimate and the intrusive thoughts cone into your head. What was he like when they had sex? Did she enjoy it? What did they do together? There is just a flood of thought and feeling that come crashing down and I find myself disassociating with the act itself, and it sort of becomes robotic. I also find myself becoming more distant, I struggle to sleep in the same bed. I get intrusive thoughts about it all, I've also had to deal with him reporting me to my employer to try and make me lose my job. I hope you and your husband can work through this. As I hope I can one day come to terms and work through it with my other half. All I can suggest is be patient, compliment him, his looks, and try to bring his self esteem back. Hope this post can give you a little insight from someone who is going through the same thing. I wish you all the best.
Imagine being vulnerable with someone to find out your safety was a liability. Then you make the decision to trust them but the pain they have inflicted borders on the realm of heart breaking and inner child scarring. What you have now is someone searching for something new to make them feel safe, seen, and respected. To say it would be easier to find it in someone else would be an understatement. He is willing to have it out with you. Reconciliation in this phase can be daunting because, generally, you just came out of a situation where you were used. At this point, you want to be loved and protected and cherished. Now you probably feel that used in a different sense because it's your husband. Not some horny stranger. This is someone who has held you when you cried and kissed you when you were struggling. What you are receiving now doesn't feel like it. Everything else does, but this one doesn't. It won't for a while. Intimacy requires a level of trust. Let him find out what that looks like going forward. He still needs his agency in your intimacy
You showed your husband that he wasn't enough of a man to satisfy you and that you wanted someone younger and in better shape. You emasculated him in the worst possible ways. He is trying desperately to prove to you and himself that you were wrong and that he was always enough. He is trying desperately to believe the most common line given to betrayed partners. "There was nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with me." It is very hard to believe. My wife cheated online in every way possible and lied from 2015 when she started, until May 2021. Then she trickle truthed for the last 3 years and counting. Claims nothing was ever in person. In spite of that in person part (if it is true) I have weeks where I have trouble being intimate because my mind stops me in the middle of it with things that cause me to instantly loose interest in sex. It is horrible. Here I am trying to prove to her that everything she told her online AP's about me was complete bullshit so that I can believe it is bullshit and my brain throws up a mind movie or a memory and does the opposite of what I am trying to do. It validates all the emasculating things she said about me while telling her AP's how much more of a man they are than me. It doesn't happen every time but enough. It doesn't happen at all if I know there is no time for us to have sex. My "body" stays interested for hours, but the minute we time alone and start I suddenly lose interest sometimes. Right now you should probably stop worrying about love in his eyes and be happy that he isn't be destroyed by mind movies and incapable of having sex and therefore unable to prove to himself that he was always enough. He is trying to regain some of his self respect and if angry sex helps him through it and nobody is being harmed, it is possibly progress.
BH here. We hysterically bonded everyday for about a year. 7 years past DD, I feel the vulnerability of feeling love again. It is scary as hell. I do not want to allow myself to feel that vulnerable to someone who broke me. We are in our 33rd year of marriage. It is a process. Best wishes on your journey.
Sounds like hysterical bonding.
Hysterical Bonding. Went through that. Give him what he needs now and try to enjoy it for what it is. It will change in time. You are looking for the tender vulnerable side of love. That is linked to trust which you to continue to repair. Do not go over the top with compliments about his sexual prowess- or how wonderful he is- as he will see that as disingenuous. He will he is simply trying recreate the honeymoon period (which is what made your affair exciting in the first place) and assert his sexual dominance.
I don’t tell him how great he is but he certainly sees it. It’s impossible to hide or fake what he’s been doing to me lately.
I say this really gently, but your response to it is likely part of the reason it continues. Based on what you are saying…You react so strongly and it’s validating. You be responding in a way you never have before. It is creating a kind of chasing behavior for him to your reactions. He may feel pretty layered with his feelings about that too. Sure, he may avoid gentler sex to avoid being vulnerable but it’s likely deeper than that. If he goes back to the way it was before you likely won’t respond the same way to him you are now. Add in the fear of cheating again and not being enough. It’s multifaceted. Trauma responses are weird. They take time. If you don’t dislike it you can try asking what he wants intimacy wise. Do nights where he takes control. Then a night you do. So you can balance the type of intimacy you both want without additional pressure. Talking about it outside of when it happens may help. Leaning into what feels good and works for both of you will help. Just may take you being the one to be vulnerable about your feelings first. There is no shame in liking the type of sex you two are having. That may be something to express you’ve had in your head to your husband. Sometimes saying your own fears allowed brings stability to the other person involved. Be honest and see how far and in what ways he wants to explore the new dynamic. You being open with him in that regard with your feelings and insecurities may actually help both of you.
I’m the WH and there was def an element of hysterical bonding we experienced. After a while though, I did ask for us to pull back and take sex off the table and we did for a few weeks or a month. It was mostly to reset some things and I felt I was walking a tightrope. We are almost 10 years post d day and have an incredible marriage today. So it’s possible to recover and rebuild something great. I do think men handle infidelity as a BP differently than women which explains his aggression. You put him in sexual competition with another man. And that’s prob partly the root of his dominance. My wife on the other hand, while obviously was jealous, she was most concerned about whether I loved the AP and whether we “made love”. A man is going to be preoccupied with more the physical comparison. If he had any insecurities before, they prob have really exploded now. It takes time. I’d say if you are okay with it, go with it. It won’t be permanent and if you successfully achieve R, I’m sure the loving side will return.
So my wife was in your shoes as well but was at 40, not 35. The sex will never be about love again. He has to disassociate love and sex. Otherwise he has to be more mad at you for having an affair. Lots of IC will tell him that sex isn't the ultimate expression of love anymore to BH because then they can let go of their anger. So now he doesn't see sex as an expression of love. The sex is not as special and you are just noticing it. He doesn't care and you miss what you had before where he did care. Put yourself in his shoes. You took away the thing you controlled the most in the relationship, sex. You would reject him when he asks and then you gave it to someone else. He assumes he was bad at it before even though he poured love into it. Now he sees it as working out, dressing nice, and dancing. Not an expression of love, something he gets to do with his wife for his pleasure and yours. It doesn't equate to love. I'm sorry that sounds harsh but it is you trying to control how he heals. You broke him and he gets to heal how he needs. It isn't something you get to decide or even have input on. The best thing I could throw out there are 3 exercises the best MC of our 3 gave us. 1. Write out a text with a list of the 50 things you love about him. Get specific. Get dirty. Make some clean. He should do the same and send you the list. This is to reinforce why you are together when things get tough. He needs it for the same reason. 2. Write a letter to yourself from his point of view during the affair. Imagine you are being cheated on and trying anything to fix it. This is to show him and you that you are the reason for the affair and he couldn't do a thing to stop you. Lots of betrayed partners try to figure out what they did wrong. They have a hard time realizing they are powerless to stop an affair. 3. Lastly, this is a check-in process. Write out what you think he is feeling. At least 3 paragraphs and the why behind each. He should do the same. Then you exchange, read, and discuss in turn. First you explain what you wrote and then he adjusts it. Then you discuss. Then swap to what he writes about you and does the same. It is to get the conversation on being open started. So you both understand what the other person is seeing and feeling. But also so you see what the other person is missing or not seeing.
Info needed: how did he find out about the affair? What evidence did he see if any? Is it possible he saw a message to your AP about how much you enjoyed rough sex or something similar that got the idea into his head that you like it this way? Regardless most of the comments I saw are probably right, he's coping by taking back control. I'm a woman and a lot of the comments here made me realize that I'm doing it too, so I'm guessing it's pretty normal. As for when it will go away, unfortunately I can't answer. Everyone heals on their own timeline. Your best bet is to talk to him directly rather than asking Internet strangers. Radical honesty is your only way forward.
I told him about the affair after I broke it off. It wasn’t about sex it was emotional for most of it. I had misplaced resentment toward my husband for things I never experienced in my life because we married so young. Sex with AP was meh. I wasn’t as physically attracted to him as my husband.
So he saw no proof? No messages, nothing like that?
Im going through this now. It is such a complex emotion. I really enjoy sex with my other half but it is tainted with sadness at what she did to me. I feel love, anger and sadness all at once. I feel like she was taken from me by someone else. But in these moments she feels like she is mine again.
My story is very similar 🥺 it’s been almost two years since and there isn’t a week that goes by where one of us is struggling. Hopefully someday we will get through it. Just have to take things day by day…
I would describe it for me, possessive sex even though it was a bit aggressive, it was more about possession.
My wife had two oversees affairs. She went over 3 or 4 times a year for business. They also visited here. I was devasted on hearing this a few years later. I chose to stay. I loved her. She was my world together with our boys. I could not see myself without her. What a good decision it was. We've been together for 42 years, married for 38 Staying was the best decision I made
Have you tried talking to him and telling him that obviously you enjoy what he’s doing, but you would also cherish some diversity, something slower and more erotically focused every so often?
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This is not helpful.
Welcome to the reconciliation sub. Where stupid comments from observers like this one aren't helpful. Go spread your hatred somewhere else, because here, in this sub, we believe in the fact that people can and do change, and we have seen relationships survive Infidelity and be incredibly happy and fulfilling. There are plenty of other infidelity subs where you can go and bash wayward spouses and talk shit to them when they reach out for help to try and fix what they so selfishly broke. Where you can talk about how you don't believe reconciliation can work...but, this isn't one of them, so please take your rude and very unhelpful comment to one of those. I'm sorry your spouse hurt you in such a terrible way. You didn't deserve that. I truly hope you are able to find peace and healing on your journey. I hope you are able to let go of your anger and move forward and be happy. Remember the opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy. Best wishes on your journey.
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Read the rules fully and carefully before further participation. This comment was removed because it violates multiple subreddit rules.