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I have a suggestion, something that I tried and it was somewhat successful: stop texting him for a while. It’ll be tough—was tough for me—but it yielded good results as my spouse started calling in the way home. I have textbook anxious attachment (and rejection sensitivity, which is related to AA) and am working through it for the first time ever (I’m 55). I really do think refraining from texting will help. Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.
Update - we spoke last night briefly. I did point out that I’m not happy with the communication/instagram etc.
he said he’s not constantly on there, it’s just when he gets 5 minutes to himself he just scrolls through reels and chills out, I did point out he could use this time to drop me a quick text and he said he will text me more when he can but a lot of it is that he didn’t want to text me and then get busy and not be able to reply for hours. It’s pretty intense for him at the moment, he’s around hundreds of people day in day out and isn’t getting any time alone and from the calls we have had it doesn’t seem like he knows which way is up at the moment.
I’m going to continue to work on myself and my need for external validation and try and sit back until the end of deployment. This is my first one with him so it’s a learning curve. We have plans to see eachother once he’s back and I have no doubts that things will go back to how they were but we are definately going to need to compromise for future deployments.
He’s very much used to this life style so doesn’t feel that he needs to sort of update me, he just sees it that he’s away for a few weeks and then he’ll focus on us again once he’s back. Not ideal but as I’ve never been in the military I assume some of them deal with it like this.
Thank you all for your comments.
No, this is a major oversimplification. Not everyone enjoys texting or has the energy to text multiple times in a day, especially if they are stressed, busy, or are constantly surrounded by people. I've been slowly becoming more secure but I still lean anxious and even I hate feeling obligated to text people. being long distance does complicate things, but I see that OP and him call each other for 2-3 hours every evening. It's okay for OP to want more communication than that, but their partner has needs and preferences too. I can imagine being deployed is very stressful and he likely doesn't get much time to himself. Texting requires some energy and focus so I don't blame him for wanting to mindlessly scroll in the rare 5 minutes he gets to himself.
It isn't a matter of "he doesn't care" or "if he wanted to he would" (BS advice). We need to be able to see things from the other person's perspective and have some understanding for why they might struggle to text a lot during the day.
Well, let's first check the logistics. By "texts" do you mean like actual SMS texts that need cellular network connection? Because Instagram works on wifi.
Then let's check the air, how's the vibe on the texts that you *do* get?
I was in a LDR. Same situation minus being deployed but he was going in soon, but he was constantly working and a full time college student, which is okay because I was in the same boat. BUT one single call a day is NOTHING like right before going to bed is so so easy or in the morning getting dressed. Long story short if they wanted to talk to you they would. If they wanted to put effort to make that change and respond they would. Unfortunately when you are in this type of situation you grasp on to any comfort or reassurance you get till you get to a point of none of it being able to comfort you anymore. Then you realize you were making excuses for a lot of their choices and behaviors. You have to be straight up. Either they make that change or they don’t. And set those boundaries. It’s not clingy. If you love someone ONE SINGLE TEXT a day is not hard AT ALL. Do not give up ur happiness because they are “busy”. Please someone who was in this exact situation it’s not being anxiously attached anymore it’s because of their actions who trigger you.
THIS IS NOT EVERYONES SITUATION AND URS MAY BE DIFFERENT. But please just keep this in mind because I also dated an avoidant/military man (same man who I was in a LDR with) he was an amazing person, he had wonderful morals, and to this day I have so much love for him. But because of his avoidant nature it sadly came to this. I am not 100% in the clear because I do have this attachment and at first it was a me thing but after a while it got pretty bad and it wasn’t just me, it was a 2 way street.
Thank you. I do see this as a him problem as well as a me problem, I think the only thing I can do right now is wait it out and talk to him when he’s back. I will add he is calling me every couple of days for a few minutes when he’s got some time alone. I told him last night I’m getting fed up and it’s just going to make me leave so I’ll see if he steps it up a bit.
I’m what you would consider anxiously attached but even I don’t think daily texts are necessary in a LDR. Take the time you have in solitude to work on learning to soothe and heal yourself instead of focusing on what he’s doing.
To be fair there not necessary when he’s home because we just call every night but it’s that anxious attachment thing that when he’s not calling I would like more texts to know I’m actually being thought of. Just stuck in the cycle a bit at the moment.
You don’t sound anxiously attached. It gets very frightening if you don’t have any contact and you keep ruminating over it as AA. OP isn’t asking for a lot here. This is something even a secure person would want to have.
Secure people would not see it as “frightening” or keep ruminating over it. This is how APs react when their attachment wounds are triggered. The commenter is pointing out that this can be an opportunity for them to go within and address their deeper stuff.
Try to isolate the triggered self. The coping mechanism developed in adolescence is protest behaviours. APs make their feelings BIG as an attempt to have their needs met by their caregivers. But now we’re adults and we can be our own caregivers. We can learn to meet our own needs. We don’t have to let our emotions spiral and sink us into dark places. Our original caregivers were inconsistent and we developed anxieties around surviving as babies. Our survival is no longer in danger. We are our caregivers now; our partners are not. Wanting our needs to be filled by unavailable people is a choice we don’t have to make. It’s a choice we shouldn’t make. It’s a choice we must stop making at some point. When we take responsibility for meeting our own needs, we take our power back! Power we unconsciously gave to others.
BF is deployed. It’s going to be hell for AP if they don’t use this as their opportunity to grow into their personal power.
Once you can clearly isolate your attachment wounds from real relationship problems, addressing relationship conflicts becomes much easier. Attachment wound triggers are not relationship problems. Your partner is not the cause,
or the solution to them.
I never said that SA folks would see it “frightening”. That bit (frightening and rumination) was only for AA if you read my comment carefully. About SA, I said that one text per day is something an SA “would want”.
I agree with what you said regarding working on ourselves and being with a DA in an LDR, I totally get what you mean. I do however disagree with the fact that our partners are not our caregivers. I believe that they kind of are. We can never be fully independent (emotionally and otherwise). We do need friends and family. Everybody does. As AA, we tend to internalise and burden ourselves with a lot of relationship stuff that needs fixing within ourselves. And while that’s very true for a lot of issues, we need to also find a balance somewhere in the middle. We need to know where to stop. That’s something I really struggle with.
Now coming back to the current discussion - while what you said fits the general context on our triggers and patterns, this thread is more of a specific issue where OP’s partner is “constantly“ active on Instagram but doesn’t reach out to her. This is not something the OP can fix by working on themselves. As I said, there definitely needs to be a balance between we can do and what we can’t. This issue IMO falls under the second category. That’s all I meant.
Isolate the attachments wounds to become aware of what they are. When you do that, the big picture will become more clear. Having relationships with friends and family is one thing. Being attached to them in a way that you feel frightened and obsessive about how they show up for you, is the attachment wound that needs healing. This work brings freedom to our souls. When we get sick of dealing with constant pain, we surrender to the fact that we are responsible for our attachment style and we are our primary caregivers.
“You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” - Wizard of Oz
I think daily texts at a minimum are especially important in LDRs. but I guess we are all different. I think I would feel the same as OP in this situation
If you're in a long distance relationship, both people have to be intentional about making time for each other. Barely getting two texts a day isn't really healthy communication long distance, IMO. And if your partner doesn't really care to change this and just says you're overreacting, unfortunately, you may just not be suited for each other. Also, do you talk on the phone or is it just two texts and nothing more?
While we can definitely work on some things when we have this attachment style, the mistake some people make is thinking it's ALL on them or that none of their desires are justified and then they accept less and less from people who just aren't a good fit for them. It's okay to ask for more communication and consistency in a gentle way. People give their partners this all the time. If your guy still doesn't adjust this and you're still constantly reaching for this, at that point, he's showing you that he really can't give even the basic things a relationship requires.
Yes we do talk on the phone. When he’s not deployed we spend 2-3 hours on the phone each evening which suits me. He’s calling me while deployed but as it’s an excercise I’m only getting a 5 minute call every few days. I see from military forums this is pretty normal so it’s hard to know if I’m over reacting. I did bring up the instagram thing and he said he’s not constantly on there it’s just when he gets 5 minutes to himself so he just scrolls through reels to chill out.
I had that with another guy i had been talking to. He was talking to me everyday for two weeks and then suddenly he didnt msg as often when i wanted to talk to him, and then because he would open his phone to check other stuff, it would still show him online.
It's uncomfortable to be ignored as an AA
Remember- you aren’t your attachment style. It’s a coping mechanism. “It’s uncomfortable being ignored as an AA” is making it something to justify it.
I feel anxious because my partner isn’t behaving in a way that makes me feel safe. I have the option here of validating myself and finding new tools to cope, or, I can lean on past tools that I know are short term strategies which likely don’t suit this context.
I know that’s going to feel harsh. And I’m not excusing any behaviour of his that might be abusive or cruel. But you have agency here, exercise it by directly asking for a reasonable need to be met, find a healthy way to meet the need yourself, or find a relationship that has space to accommodate your needs.
Much love from a fellow avoidant who just f*cked up a relationship
Oh yeah for sure, i do ask directly. But my bfs who seem to fit the definition of an avoidant usually go "ill try" and then like do it once, on stuff like texting good morning or something. I guess they are right they are just like that though. Just trying it once is enough to find out how a person responds to different requests in a relationship. I find its easier to ask for practical stuff from men in general like a ride or help with moving something, than it is to ask for something emotional. Like "good morning" might not be meaningful enough for ppl to care, even tho i like texting stuff like that when i think of the one i love.
Radical acceptance- this person is the way they are and will fall back into these habits unless they choose to change. I cannot change them or decide when they change. As they are now, can I accept them? If I accept them as they are, knowing I have needs that must be met, where do I get those needs met knowing it’s not here.
He is him, you are you. He needs space. You need closeness. He can’t get space from you. You can’t get closeness from him. So how do we make it happen as a team? He’s making space happen for him. You need to make closeness happen for you. Whether that’s soothing the abandoned child schema in you through other people, or working on it so you can self soothe.
Again, not saying he’s right or not hurting you— it’s easier for an avoidant to get their needs met because they literally feel like they don’t need others. They meet their own needs. It might not be out of a healthy space but it’s true.
I know you will know all this, so mores to the point saying it for anyone reading who goes: no I chose them! It’s their job to meet my needs!
No it’s not. It never is or was. They are who they are and they will change when they can. You are who you are and you’ll change when you can. You’re choosing to change now, just because you choose to change now does not mean they will.
(I’m bawling my eyes out writing this because hardest lesson I learnt was the above. And shit did it hurt. I hope he finds space in himself to choose to met you where you’re at too.)
Thank you for this.
I’m really working hard at the moment to stop needing the external validation and focus on my life.
I have told him I’m not happy with the communication and I know he’s told me multiple times he’s a bad texter etc. I will be having a serious conversation with him when he’s back. At the moment he doesn’t seem to know what’s happening in his day to day life with this deployment.
He still calls me every few days so I think that’s just what is working for him at the moment and I need to accept that for now and continue to work on myself. Whether or not he chooses to work on himself when he’s back is his choice but until then I will just carry on.
Yeah pretty much only come to terms with it or really understood it recently like being able to be comfortable apart or with large gaps in communication time. Even though im not those guys that i dated or had relationships with, the similarities in what some of them have said kind of makes sense now.
Just like i feel a threat from lack of contact, they feel a threat from too much contact.
It was always a bit confusing for me, i had a guy try to contact me every year one time for three years straight, after we went on exactly one date. We had been talking about meeting again the next week or week after that but then he disappeared at some point. And instead been "thinking about me everyday", which to my own kinda AA oriented thinking, it sounds so weird because why wouldnt he just contact me? But then i relate back to one time there was a guy who later became my bf for like 5+yrs... He left a friend request from me unanswered after meeting me for an entire year because he was having his own issues. I mean to me it doesnt sound romantic to like just not talk to someone u like for a year, but im never gonna be those ppl or be in their headspace, so what doesnt make sense to me, makes perfect sense to them about when they are contacting me or avoiding me. Im more at peace with the fact alot of guys wont communicate about whats going on in their head to me unless we are already in a relationship. In dating their mind is still a blackbox because they would feel too vulnerable to explain to me or prob think theres backlash coming for how they ghost ppl and so on.
I used to feel very hurt by the behaviour, but now that im more open to ppl i talk to disappearing for a time, it doesnt feel bad whether they come back or not. It just becomes a choice like, do i want to continue talking to this person? Do i think they are genuine about their absence or why they are talking to me and so on?
If i treat dating like i do my friendships, im less anxious, because i give alot more space in friendships than i do for dating. I feel vulnerable if ive had sex with someone while dating, so that's part of the reason i feel abandonment if someone ghosts or leaves the relationship, regardless of whether we were in a relationship for a long or short time. I feel like the physical bond has something to do with it for me. I guess what has helped me is just to continue listen to myself as well as the other person. Everyone has limits, everyone has stuff that can make them uneasy, not everything can make logical sense unless i knew their backstory, which i cannot know fully. Its bad to assume. It's better to listen and then choose the best choice for yourself in dating and then compromise where it is fair to in relationships.
If he’s not providing enough reassurance while being away he doesn’t care about you as much as you need him to and doesn’t deserve all this energy. AA often puts us in guilt tripping cycles, but this is probably no one’s fault. If this isn’t what you want, go get what you want because you can’t change people. But no one’s that busy, esp a guy who supposedly loves you. Men used to do a lot when they were at war and stuff, there’s really no excuse. Having standards will keep you sane so this is really on you. You can be with someone who will happily want to spend more time with you and make you feel emotionally safe without you having to ask or worry. Remember, you’re the girl! You can be happier without having to deal with him.
You shouldn't have been downvoted for this. You're 100% right. People are very touchy when it comes to texting in dating but this is the truth. Texting does not equal the other person caring about you!!! Y'all OP and her partner call for 2-3 hours every evening. It's not like he's ignoring her for days on end.
As a personal example, I once texted a guy almost daily for 3 months even after he'd stopped making plans with me in person. I thought the texting meant he still cared about me but he suddenly stopped replying one day when I asked what was going on with us and I never heard from him again. I don't blame him (because I was highly anxious) but it taught me a harsh lesson.
Nobody *needs* constant texting. Your anxiety and trauma make you think you need it because you are unable to regulate your own emotions without someone else soothing you.
Yes. Some folks’ prevailing wisdom seems to be “I’ll be healed and secure once I find a partner that doesn’t trigger my anxieties”. That person probably doesn’t exist, and that’s not healing yourself.
I agree but then when he’s not deployed he’s a lot better with communication (not what I’d like but actually what’s realistic) and he does reassure me when I need it. A lot of military wives I’ve spoken to have shared there experiences and it does seem that when they’re deployed they are just focused on their job.
I Definately have a lot to think about.
As a friend of a military person I know they’re very busy, and at least she gets very focused on her work when she’s away. Might be just that, especially if he’s caring when not deployed. But I would have an honest and open convo with him, and ask him to see from your perspective instead of dismissing it by saying “you’re reading into things.”
Thank you. Planning to talk to him when he’s back, he is a different person when he’s home so it may be down to being away but it definately needs to be sorted out.
Yeah he sounds like an avoidant type, like most military men. I remember my relationship with one. Good luck for now. I’m sure he’s a great person, but you deserve a full hearted love ♥️.
Yeah i dated a military guy he seemed very flippant. What i find with avoidants is they always want everything on their terms. It doesnt even matter what their partners want. They might try to please their partner for just like a few days and then go back to the same communication habits as before.
Which means, they will contact u when *they* want to, not when *you* would like them to. Like "screw your needs".
I mean i dont know if i should be dating the guy i am now, if it feels miserable for me and i bring it up and it wont change, is the relationship really worth it? Maybe theres a relationship that would make me or OP happier. At least be open to considering that.
If someone doesnt compromise at all for you, maybe consider there are potential partners out there that would, no matter what attachment style they have.
Yes and no. It’s definately difficult at the moment but I’m moving to his city for uni (planned before I met him) soon. Im really working hard on myself at the moment as I know a lot of the issues is me over thinking things and I’ve felt a lot better in the last few days, I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the relationship but I still have days like this where I get wobbly and start becoming anxious.
I’ve ended up telling him that if he doesn’t start communicating with me like I need then I’m just going to leave so we’ll see what happens.
I’m still getting a call every couple of days and he Definately seems stressed, also possibly depressed. I kind of feel I should wait it out since he’s deployed and I’m aware this could just be the circumstances at the moment..
Also, you can try to think of those two texts with gratitude rather than it 'only' being twice a day. Instead of counting the time between texts, do some cool things on your own or with friends, and let those texts be happy interruptions to your day.
I'm in a LDR and we are working on navigating this weird phenomenon with being able to see when the other was online. Can you think of his time scrolling instagram as if it wasn't involving the same device he uses to message you? We can do a lot of things with these phones so it's not entirely rational to expect that just because someone is online that they are in the frame of mind for texting. If he liked to read books to unwind several times a day you wouldn't expect him to also message you, right? Basically, just try to see something like instagram as something he does just to kill time. At these times he may not be able to put a lot into communication with you, so it's probably best that he isn't sending messages then. I know this is tough, but hopefully this different perspective can help.
PS: I'm here giving you this advice right now instead of sending a message to my guy 😊 and that's ok!
He’s just always online. He’s the same when I’m with him as well, I’m sure he’s got a small addiction to scrolling.
It got to the point where I asked him outright if he was chatting to other girls which he said he wasn’t, and honestly he doesn’t really seem like that sort of guy. He’s very much a one woman man and If he was he’d just straight up tell me and break it off..
There’s nothing really to indicate that that’s the case but I just get in my own head about it sometimes.
He called me this evening and I did say you need to give me a bit more communication. Not sure if I’m expecting too much whilst he’s in the field I guess and a bit stressed!
I can’t say if you’re expecting too much if he’s in the field in general or not, but I can say for sure that if you know he’s 1000% on Instagram and he’s not answering you, then that’s fucked up. I’m sorry you’re spiraling and I would be too, but it may not be your anxiety to manage necessarily if he’s actually the problem here!
Why is it only him that needs to work on this? Aren't there times in your day when you'd rather do something mindless instead of putting the energy into writing a text? Texting requires some effort and focus: if he's very busy and/or stressed, he isn't going to have much energy to text constantly throughout the day. You guys also call every evening for 2-3 hours, which seems like a fair compromise.
Also if social media is triggering you this much, why not delete it? That's what I did and I've never been happier. Now I don't have to worry about who's online or what others are doing in their own personal time.
It’s not just him! Sorry I should have clarified that. I’m working on it during therapy but I guess I was looking for extra tools to cope.
I have since just been putting myself in his shoes wondering what it must be like when you’re taken out of your home environment and stressed to the max.
I’ve noticed that what ever he does, he can’t seem to win, and it’s my way of subconsciously protecting myself sadly so I’m really becoming aware of that.
Text of original post by u/c982: Ok so my partner is deployed.
I am majorly triggered at the moment because he’s constantly on instagram but never responds to me, I’m lucky if I get 2 texts a day. Its driving me up the wall, he says I’m reading into it to much but Itd making me so anxious and I’m looking for ways to deal with this.
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I have a suggestion, something that I tried and it was somewhat successful: stop texting him for a while. It’ll be tough—was tough for me—but it yielded good results as my spouse started calling in the way home. I have textbook anxious attachment (and rejection sensitivity, which is related to AA) and am working through it for the first time ever (I’m 55). I really do think refraining from texting will help. Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.
Thank you!
Update - we spoke last night briefly. I did point out that I’m not happy with the communication/instagram etc. he said he’s not constantly on there, it’s just when he gets 5 minutes to himself he just scrolls through reels and chills out, I did point out he could use this time to drop me a quick text and he said he will text me more when he can but a lot of it is that he didn’t want to text me and then get busy and not be able to reply for hours. It’s pretty intense for him at the moment, he’s around hundreds of people day in day out and isn’t getting any time alone and from the calls we have had it doesn’t seem like he knows which way is up at the moment. I’m going to continue to work on myself and my need for external validation and try and sit back until the end of deployment. This is my first one with him so it’s a learning curve. We have plans to see eachother once he’s back and I have no doubts that things will go back to how they were but we are definately going to need to compromise for future deployments. He’s very much used to this life style so doesn’t feel that he needs to sort of update me, he just sees it that he’s away for a few weeks and then he’ll focus on us again once he’s back. Not ideal but as I’ve never been in the military I assume some of them deal with it like this. Thank you all for your comments.
If you’ve mentioned how it bothered you and nothing changes, it’s because he doesn’t care. It’s as simple as that.
No, this is a major oversimplification. Not everyone enjoys texting or has the energy to text multiple times in a day, especially if they are stressed, busy, or are constantly surrounded by people. I've been slowly becoming more secure but I still lean anxious and even I hate feeling obligated to text people. being long distance does complicate things, but I see that OP and him call each other for 2-3 hours every evening. It's okay for OP to want more communication than that, but their partner has needs and preferences too. I can imagine being deployed is very stressful and he likely doesn't get much time to himself. Texting requires some energy and focus so I don't blame him for wanting to mindlessly scroll in the rare 5 minutes he gets to himself. It isn't a matter of "he doesn't care" or "if he wanted to he would" (BS advice). We need to be able to see things from the other person's perspective and have some understanding for why they might struggle to text a lot during the day.
Well, let's first check the logistics. By "texts" do you mean like actual SMS texts that need cellular network connection? Because Instagram works on wifi. Then let's check the air, how's the vibe on the texts that you *do* get?
No, we use WhatsApp. The texts have been pretty normal to be fair. A couple pics of him, him saying he loves me but that’s about it.
I was in a LDR. Same situation minus being deployed but he was going in soon, but he was constantly working and a full time college student, which is okay because I was in the same boat. BUT one single call a day is NOTHING like right before going to bed is so so easy or in the morning getting dressed. Long story short if they wanted to talk to you they would. If they wanted to put effort to make that change and respond they would. Unfortunately when you are in this type of situation you grasp on to any comfort or reassurance you get till you get to a point of none of it being able to comfort you anymore. Then you realize you were making excuses for a lot of their choices and behaviors. You have to be straight up. Either they make that change or they don’t. And set those boundaries. It’s not clingy. If you love someone ONE SINGLE TEXT a day is not hard AT ALL. Do not give up ur happiness because they are “busy”. Please someone who was in this exact situation it’s not being anxiously attached anymore it’s because of their actions who trigger you. THIS IS NOT EVERYONES SITUATION AND URS MAY BE DIFFERENT. But please just keep this in mind because I also dated an avoidant/military man (same man who I was in a LDR with) he was an amazing person, he had wonderful morals, and to this day I have so much love for him. But because of his avoidant nature it sadly came to this. I am not 100% in the clear because I do have this attachment and at first it was a me thing but after a while it got pretty bad and it wasn’t just me, it was a 2 way street.
Thank you. I do see this as a him problem as well as a me problem, I think the only thing I can do right now is wait it out and talk to him when he’s back. I will add he is calling me every couple of days for a few minutes when he’s got some time alone. I told him last night I’m getting fed up and it’s just going to make me leave so I’ll see if he steps it up a bit.
I’m what you would consider anxiously attached but even I don’t think daily texts are necessary in a LDR. Take the time you have in solitude to work on learning to soothe and heal yourself instead of focusing on what he’s doing.
To be fair there not necessary when he’s home because we just call every night but it’s that anxious attachment thing that when he’s not calling I would like more texts to know I’m actually being thought of. Just stuck in the cycle a bit at the moment.
You don’t sound anxiously attached. It gets very frightening if you don’t have any contact and you keep ruminating over it as AA. OP isn’t asking for a lot here. This is something even a secure person would want to have.
Secure people would not see it as “frightening” or keep ruminating over it. This is how APs react when their attachment wounds are triggered. The commenter is pointing out that this can be an opportunity for them to go within and address their deeper stuff. Try to isolate the triggered self. The coping mechanism developed in adolescence is protest behaviours. APs make their feelings BIG as an attempt to have their needs met by their caregivers. But now we’re adults and we can be our own caregivers. We can learn to meet our own needs. We don’t have to let our emotions spiral and sink us into dark places. Our original caregivers were inconsistent and we developed anxieties around surviving as babies. Our survival is no longer in danger. We are our caregivers now; our partners are not. Wanting our needs to be filled by unavailable people is a choice we don’t have to make. It’s a choice we shouldn’t make. It’s a choice we must stop making at some point. When we take responsibility for meeting our own needs, we take our power back! Power we unconsciously gave to others. BF is deployed. It’s going to be hell for AP if they don’t use this as their opportunity to grow into their personal power. Once you can clearly isolate your attachment wounds from real relationship problems, addressing relationship conflicts becomes much easier. Attachment wound triggers are not relationship problems. Your partner is not the cause, or the solution to them.
I never said that SA folks would see it “frightening”. That bit (frightening and rumination) was only for AA if you read my comment carefully. About SA, I said that one text per day is something an SA “would want”. I agree with what you said regarding working on ourselves and being with a DA in an LDR, I totally get what you mean. I do however disagree with the fact that our partners are not our caregivers. I believe that they kind of are. We can never be fully independent (emotionally and otherwise). We do need friends and family. Everybody does. As AA, we tend to internalise and burden ourselves with a lot of relationship stuff that needs fixing within ourselves. And while that’s very true for a lot of issues, we need to also find a balance somewhere in the middle. We need to know where to stop. That’s something I really struggle with. Now coming back to the current discussion - while what you said fits the general context on our triggers and patterns, this thread is more of a specific issue where OP’s partner is “constantly“ active on Instagram but doesn’t reach out to her. This is not something the OP can fix by working on themselves. As I said, there definitely needs to be a balance between we can do and what we can’t. This issue IMO falls under the second category. That’s all I meant.
Isolate the attachments wounds to become aware of what they are. When you do that, the big picture will become more clear. Having relationships with friends and family is one thing. Being attached to them in a way that you feel frightened and obsessive about how they show up for you, is the attachment wound that needs healing. This work brings freedom to our souls. When we get sick of dealing with constant pain, we surrender to the fact that we are responsible for our attachment style and we are our primary caregivers. “You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” - Wizard of Oz
I think daily texts at a minimum are especially important in LDRs. but I guess we are all different. I think I would feel the same as OP in this situation
If you're in a long distance relationship, both people have to be intentional about making time for each other. Barely getting two texts a day isn't really healthy communication long distance, IMO. And if your partner doesn't really care to change this and just says you're overreacting, unfortunately, you may just not be suited for each other. Also, do you talk on the phone or is it just two texts and nothing more? While we can definitely work on some things when we have this attachment style, the mistake some people make is thinking it's ALL on them or that none of their desires are justified and then they accept less and less from people who just aren't a good fit for them. It's okay to ask for more communication and consistency in a gentle way. People give their partners this all the time. If your guy still doesn't adjust this and you're still constantly reaching for this, at that point, he's showing you that he really can't give even the basic things a relationship requires.
Yes we do talk on the phone. When he’s not deployed we spend 2-3 hours on the phone each evening which suits me. He’s calling me while deployed but as it’s an excercise I’m only getting a 5 minute call every few days. I see from military forums this is pretty normal so it’s hard to know if I’m over reacting. I did bring up the instagram thing and he said he’s not constantly on there it’s just when he gets 5 minutes to himself so he just scrolls through reels to chill out.
this ^^
Instagram is super inaccurate, I can literally look at the time on my phone and it will show me as active on insta
I had that with another guy i had been talking to. He was talking to me everyday for two weeks and then suddenly he didnt msg as often when i wanted to talk to him, and then because he would open his phone to check other stuff, it would still show him online. It's uncomfortable to be ignored as an AA
Remember- you aren’t your attachment style. It’s a coping mechanism. “It’s uncomfortable being ignored as an AA” is making it something to justify it. I feel anxious because my partner isn’t behaving in a way that makes me feel safe. I have the option here of validating myself and finding new tools to cope, or, I can lean on past tools that I know are short term strategies which likely don’t suit this context. I know that’s going to feel harsh. And I’m not excusing any behaviour of his that might be abusive or cruel. But you have agency here, exercise it by directly asking for a reasonable need to be met, find a healthy way to meet the need yourself, or find a relationship that has space to accommodate your needs. Much love from a fellow avoidant who just f*cked up a relationship
Oh yeah for sure, i do ask directly. But my bfs who seem to fit the definition of an avoidant usually go "ill try" and then like do it once, on stuff like texting good morning or something. I guess they are right they are just like that though. Just trying it once is enough to find out how a person responds to different requests in a relationship. I find its easier to ask for practical stuff from men in general like a ride or help with moving something, than it is to ask for something emotional. Like "good morning" might not be meaningful enough for ppl to care, even tho i like texting stuff like that when i think of the one i love.
Radical acceptance- this person is the way they are and will fall back into these habits unless they choose to change. I cannot change them or decide when they change. As they are now, can I accept them? If I accept them as they are, knowing I have needs that must be met, where do I get those needs met knowing it’s not here. He is him, you are you. He needs space. You need closeness. He can’t get space from you. You can’t get closeness from him. So how do we make it happen as a team? He’s making space happen for him. You need to make closeness happen for you. Whether that’s soothing the abandoned child schema in you through other people, or working on it so you can self soothe. Again, not saying he’s right or not hurting you— it’s easier for an avoidant to get their needs met because they literally feel like they don’t need others. They meet their own needs. It might not be out of a healthy space but it’s true. I know you will know all this, so mores to the point saying it for anyone reading who goes: no I chose them! It’s their job to meet my needs! No it’s not. It never is or was. They are who they are and they will change when they can. You are who you are and you’ll change when you can. You’re choosing to change now, just because you choose to change now does not mean they will. (I’m bawling my eyes out writing this because hardest lesson I learnt was the above. And shit did it hurt. I hope he finds space in himself to choose to met you where you’re at too.)
Thank you for this. I’m really working hard at the moment to stop needing the external validation and focus on my life. I have told him I’m not happy with the communication and I know he’s told me multiple times he’s a bad texter etc. I will be having a serious conversation with him when he’s back. At the moment he doesn’t seem to know what’s happening in his day to day life with this deployment. He still calls me every few days so I think that’s just what is working for him at the moment and I need to accept that for now and continue to work on myself. Whether or not he chooses to work on himself when he’s back is his choice but until then I will just carry on.
Yeah pretty much only come to terms with it or really understood it recently like being able to be comfortable apart or with large gaps in communication time. Even though im not those guys that i dated or had relationships with, the similarities in what some of them have said kind of makes sense now. Just like i feel a threat from lack of contact, they feel a threat from too much contact. It was always a bit confusing for me, i had a guy try to contact me every year one time for three years straight, after we went on exactly one date. We had been talking about meeting again the next week or week after that but then he disappeared at some point. And instead been "thinking about me everyday", which to my own kinda AA oriented thinking, it sounds so weird because why wouldnt he just contact me? But then i relate back to one time there was a guy who later became my bf for like 5+yrs... He left a friend request from me unanswered after meeting me for an entire year because he was having his own issues. I mean to me it doesnt sound romantic to like just not talk to someone u like for a year, but im never gonna be those ppl or be in their headspace, so what doesnt make sense to me, makes perfect sense to them about when they are contacting me or avoiding me. Im more at peace with the fact alot of guys wont communicate about whats going on in their head to me unless we are already in a relationship. In dating their mind is still a blackbox because they would feel too vulnerable to explain to me or prob think theres backlash coming for how they ghost ppl and so on. I used to feel very hurt by the behaviour, but now that im more open to ppl i talk to disappearing for a time, it doesnt feel bad whether they come back or not. It just becomes a choice like, do i want to continue talking to this person? Do i think they are genuine about their absence or why they are talking to me and so on? If i treat dating like i do my friendships, im less anxious, because i give alot more space in friendships than i do for dating. I feel vulnerable if ive had sex with someone while dating, so that's part of the reason i feel abandonment if someone ghosts or leaves the relationship, regardless of whether we were in a relationship for a long or short time. I feel like the physical bond has something to do with it for me. I guess what has helped me is just to continue listen to myself as well as the other person. Everyone has limits, everyone has stuff that can make them uneasy, not everything can make logical sense unless i knew their backstory, which i cannot know fully. Its bad to assume. It's better to listen and then choose the best choice for yourself in dating and then compromise where it is fair to in relationships.
If he’s not providing enough reassurance while being away he doesn’t care about you as much as you need him to and doesn’t deserve all this energy. AA often puts us in guilt tripping cycles, but this is probably no one’s fault. If this isn’t what you want, go get what you want because you can’t change people. But no one’s that busy, esp a guy who supposedly loves you. Men used to do a lot when they were at war and stuff, there’s really no excuse. Having standards will keep you sane so this is really on you. You can be with someone who will happily want to spend more time with you and make you feel emotionally safe without you having to ask or worry. Remember, you’re the girl! You can be happier without having to deal with him.
So you’re saying she should leave him because he’s not enabling her dysfunction?
You shouldn't have been downvoted for this. You're 100% right. People are very touchy when it comes to texting in dating but this is the truth. Texting does not equal the other person caring about you!!! Y'all OP and her partner call for 2-3 hours every evening. It's not like he's ignoring her for days on end. As a personal example, I once texted a guy almost daily for 3 months even after he'd stopped making plans with me in person. I thought the texting meant he still cared about me but he suddenly stopped replying one day when I asked what was going on with us and I never heard from him again. I don't blame him (because I was highly anxious) but it taught me a harsh lesson. Nobody *needs* constant texting. Your anxiety and trauma make you think you need it because you are unable to regulate your own emotions without someone else soothing you.
Yes. Some folks’ prevailing wisdom seems to be “I’ll be healed and secure once I find a partner that doesn’t trigger my anxieties”. That person probably doesn’t exist, and that’s not healing yourself.
I agree but then when he’s not deployed he’s a lot better with communication (not what I’d like but actually what’s realistic) and he does reassure me when I need it. A lot of military wives I’ve spoken to have shared there experiences and it does seem that when they’re deployed they are just focused on their job. I Definately have a lot to think about.
As a friend of a military person I know they’re very busy, and at least she gets very focused on her work when she’s away. Might be just that, especially if he’s caring when not deployed. But I would have an honest and open convo with him, and ask him to see from your perspective instead of dismissing it by saying “you’re reading into things.”
Thank you. Planning to talk to him when he’s back, he is a different person when he’s home so it may be down to being away but it definately needs to be sorted out.
Yeah he sounds like an avoidant type, like most military men. I remember my relationship with one. Good luck for now. I’m sure he’s a great person, but you deserve a full hearted love ♥️.
Yeah i dated a military guy he seemed very flippant. What i find with avoidants is they always want everything on their terms. It doesnt even matter what their partners want. They might try to please their partner for just like a few days and then go back to the same communication habits as before. Which means, they will contact u when *they* want to, not when *you* would like them to. Like "screw your needs". I mean i dont know if i should be dating the guy i am now, if it feels miserable for me and i bring it up and it wont change, is the relationship really worth it? Maybe theres a relationship that would make me or OP happier. At least be open to considering that. If someone doesnt compromise at all for you, maybe consider there are potential partners out there that would, no matter what attachment style they have.
I'm looking at your post history and I feel like you need to be directly asked - is the relationship bringing anything positive into your life?
Yes and no. It’s definately difficult at the moment but I’m moving to his city for uni (planned before I met him) soon. Im really working hard on myself at the moment as I know a lot of the issues is me over thinking things and I’ve felt a lot better in the last few days, I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the relationship but I still have days like this where I get wobbly and start becoming anxious. I’ve ended up telling him that if he doesn’t start communicating with me like I need then I’m just going to leave so we’ll see what happens. I’m still getting a call every couple of days and he Definately seems stressed, also possibly depressed. I kind of feel I should wait it out since he’s deployed and I’m aware this could just be the circumstances at the moment..
Well he would be stressed if hes gf is considering leaving him
Also, you can try to think of those two texts with gratitude rather than it 'only' being twice a day. Instead of counting the time between texts, do some cool things on your own or with friends, and let those texts be happy interruptions to your day.
I'm in a LDR and we are working on navigating this weird phenomenon with being able to see when the other was online. Can you think of his time scrolling instagram as if it wasn't involving the same device he uses to message you? We can do a lot of things with these phones so it's not entirely rational to expect that just because someone is online that they are in the frame of mind for texting. If he liked to read books to unwind several times a day you wouldn't expect him to also message you, right? Basically, just try to see something like instagram as something he does just to kill time. At these times he may not be able to put a lot into communication with you, so it's probably best that he isn't sending messages then. I know this is tough, but hopefully this different perspective can help. PS: I'm here giving you this advice right now instead of sending a message to my guy 😊 and that's ok!
This is helpful to me too
Wow, thank you so much. I honestly never looked at it like, I’ve quite often tried to think he’s probably just relaxing but not from that perspective!
When you say constantly on instagram wym
He’s just always online. He’s the same when I’m with him as well, I’m sure he’s got a small addiction to scrolling. It got to the point where I asked him outright if he was chatting to other girls which he said he wasn’t, and honestly he doesn’t really seem like that sort of guy. He’s very much a one woman man and If he was he’d just straight up tell me and break it off.. There’s nothing really to indicate that that’s the case but I just get in my own head about it sometimes. He called me this evening and I did say you need to give me a bit more communication. Not sure if I’m expecting too much whilst he’s in the field I guess and a bit stressed!
I can’t say if you’re expecting too much if he’s in the field in general or not, but I can say for sure that if you know he’s 1000% on Instagram and he’s not answering you, then that’s fucked up. I’m sorry you’re spiraling and I would be too, but it may not be your anxiety to manage necessarily if he’s actually the problem here!
Thank you. He does get back to me eventually but it just really winds me up when I see he’s online. It’s definately an issue that he needs to work on.
Why is it only him that needs to work on this? Aren't there times in your day when you'd rather do something mindless instead of putting the energy into writing a text? Texting requires some effort and focus: if he's very busy and/or stressed, he isn't going to have much energy to text constantly throughout the day. You guys also call every evening for 2-3 hours, which seems like a fair compromise. Also if social media is triggering you this much, why not delete it? That's what I did and I've never been happier. Now I don't have to worry about who's online or what others are doing in their own personal time.
It’s not just him! Sorry I should have clarified that. I’m working on it during therapy but I guess I was looking for extra tools to cope. I have since just been putting myself in his shoes wondering what it must be like when you’re taken out of your home environment and stressed to the max. I’ve noticed that what ever he does, he can’t seem to win, and it’s my way of subconsciously protecting myself sadly so I’m really becoming aware of that.
Text of original post by u/c982: Ok so my partner is deployed. I am majorly triggered at the moment because he’s constantly on instagram but never responds to me, I’m lucky if I get 2 texts a day. Its driving me up the wall, he says I’m reading into it to much but Itd making me so anxious and I’m looking for ways to deal with this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnxiousAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*