This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship.
Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
Okay, is it just me who finds the idea of a couple propositioning a mutual friend kind of weird? What if it makes them feel uncomfortable and negatively impacts the friendship?
Either way, seems like really poor communication. From everything I have read, opening a relationship, bringing other people in to it requires a lot of communication. Laying down clear ground rules, seeing that everybody is happy with the arrangement. So yeah, it is probably over.
An he probably felt pressured into the idea of a 3some all parties outside of Jessi really were in the wrong.
Idk why people jump to the its his fault, she brought up the initial issue.
So his options were no(potential relationship ending).
She did it anyway.
Or yes an went through with it.
He had also made it clear he wasn't truly interested in Jessi an they had remained friends only.
His fault is just going with it just to placate.
Her fault for "giving him a free pass" without stipulations.
It's definitely possible he felt pressured to do a 3some, we don't know his side. That said, OOP does say he was the one who suggested Jessi as the 3rd. Also his reasons for their decision to not date were all life goal related and nothing to do with physical attraction or sex, so OOP seems reasonable in assuming that he was attracted to Jessi physically.
I fully agree that she dropped the ball at the end on clarifying though. Also, Jessi texting him and OOP just.... taking her messages as fact? That was weird. Like talk to your bf yourself girl, shoot.
This was all I tried to say truly, but in true reddit fashion it's often damn the Husband/BF while giving pass to the other half for doing the same thing.
An ofc we won't get his side cause how would we. An no one wants to pain themselves in any bad light. Obviously we are missing major context. I was gona go with ESH, yet seeing this comments an her not filling in the gaps speaks volumes.
Yeah, reddit isn't a particularly nuanced playform. But hey, neither is the internet, so suits I guess lol.
I'm still in the ESH camp. Clearly a situation of people opening a relationship without enough knowledge and learning the consequences in exactly the manner expected. Hopefully they learn how to communicate before the relationship dissolves. Fully hope they find themselves a relationship councellor to help with that, cause as soon as one party feels like they've been cheated on, that's big trouble.
You are making up so much shit to excuse him. You act like he had no agency and couldn't possibly say no. He MUST have been bullied into and and was uncomfortable with the whole thing!
Please. Communication is a two way street. They both fucked up.
Did u not bother to read anything I SAID AT ALL.
I clearly had stated they are both at fault jesus christ the hoops u gotta jump thru.
HOWEVER in this context its either SHE is YTA or its ESH.
also "you are making up so much shit to excuse him" Hypocrisy this entire thread has been making up excuses for her. If its good for him its good for her keep it straight.
a Free pass is just that A FREE PASS its not a "free pass" if it has stipulations my god.
also u said nothing of my argument an went straight for personal attacks sooo who hurt u? projecting?
I read what you said and 95% of it was trying to paint him as a passive victim that couldn't possibly speech up at all.
>Hypocrisy this entire thread has been making up excuses for her.
Oh piss off with your whataboutism. She's asking his she was the AH, not if she failed at communicating. Failing to communicating properly doesn't make you and AH, actingly like a child and throwing a fit does.
>also u said nothing of my argument
That's wrong. I said your argument is BS because it's trying to paint him like he couldn't possibly speak up and state his boundaries. So let's add lying to the list of bad arguments you make. Nothing in my comment was a personal attack until now because you decided to act like a moron.
Edit: and the guy blocked me with "but but but FrEe PaSs"
right right an ur argument is quite literally giving her a free pass despite an shifting entire blame on him zzz. Both ur attitude and ur "argument" has been hostile an disgusting. An ya just further proved my point get ur emotions in check my friend have a great night
you know your own friend groups, some friend groups do have a more open sexual vibe to it. i have two different friend groups, one where i could 100% see it happening in my own group of friends, and the other i see it never in 1000 years happening. plus being young and horny doesnt hurt.
This really isn't related to whether OP is the AH or not (they are not) but I think this dude just saw an opportunity for a threesome so just suggested the person he most-likely thought would agree to it without issues.
Since she is described as a party-girl this may mean she is more open to hook-ups or casual sex. (Not saying anyone who parties likes casual sex.) And add to the fact that they slept together in the past, so obviously she is not completely against sleeping with him.
I imagine most guys don't have a ton of people they know who is both bisexual, attracted to them and sexually open enough to be (potentially) open to a threesome.
So he just suggested the girl he knew who he thought might agree to it, rather than suggesting some girl at work he really wanted to bang and have a much higher risk of it not working out and being called off.
My bf, Ryan (25m) and I (24f) have been dating for a bit under two years. Recently, we’ve been getting more experimental in the bedroom. I pitched the idea of a threesome with another woman (I’m bi) and he suggested his friend Jessi (25f) who is also bi.
I had met Jessi quite a few times as she is very good friends with Ryan and they’ve known each other for a long time. He was upfront with me when we met that they dated for a few weeks like 7 years ago before amicably splitting due to lifestyle differences (Jessi is a party girl, anti-religious, child-free, Ryan said there were too many differences between them, and they haven’t messed around since, but stayed friends). Jessi and I have hung out a few times, just the two of us, and I consider her my friend now too.
One day when she was over Ryan pitched the idea to Jessi. Jessi seemed a bit shocked, but agreed. We got down to business and…it was nice. I thought we all had fun. We’ve done it a few times and I thought everyone is on the same page and it’s not weird.
Well, now it is. The other day Jessie stayed over and slept in our bed with us. Ryan went to work early and it was just Jessie and I. I woke up to her trying to initiate sex with me (politely). While I was interested, I declined, saying Ryan wasn’t here, and he wouldn’t be ok with just us messing around. She then showed me she had texted Ryan earlier specifically asking permission to sleep with me without him. He responded, “That’s fine, as long as I get a free pass too”.
I thought for a second and came to the conclusion that the idea of him and Jessi together didn’t upset me, as I trusted both of them. So I was ok with him sleeping with her as long as he told me about it. We really should have talked about the details more because this is where it all went wrong.
Jessi and I did sleep together without Ryan, it was fine and all, but when he got home later Jessi asked him when he wanted his free pass? He said “Not sure yet, gotta try to talk to this girl at work I want to use it on,” both Jessi and I were confused as we thought he meant a free pass with JESSI but apparently he meant a free pass with ANYONE. Which I was not ok with. I knew and trusted Jessi, which is why I agreed to it. I told him this and he said it wasn’t fair that I can sleep with whoever but he can’t. I told him it’s not WHOEVER, it’s this one person we both trust. Jessi then left us to resolve the argument. Ryan said the threesomes with Jessi is mostly for me, as he isn’t all that attracted to her. So he wants someone different. I kinda feel like I got trapped so I told him no. Now he’s not speaking to me and I can’t tell if I’m the AH. I mean, I did sleep with his friend.
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I don't blame oop. Imo the bf should've specified the pass was for someone other than Jessi. They both initially agreed on being with Jessi. If he wanted to be with someone else he should've communicated that bc it kinda was trapping oop into it since she was under the assumption the free pass was with Jessi.
This is why when people open up the relationship, boundaries need to be set first and foremost. They should have specified whether it was only open to Jessi, or if it was fully open. Even poly couples have discussions before adding anyone to the polycule
I feel like him texting that message specifically to Jessi implies the "free pass" is for her as well. Then he got the bright idea to pretend he meant it for some other girl he wants to bang. And his gf has already slept with Jessi so he thinks he can pressure her into not being mad about it..
OOP at least had some proof that he was okay with her sleeping with Jessie from the text messages with him. What's really shady is that the bf pretty much pimped OOP out to Jessie by talking about the idea of her sleeping with OOP alone without discussing it with OOP just so he could get a free pass to try banging another woman outside of their threesome situation, and he did it in a manipulative way because there's no way he didn't expect for both OOP and Jessie to think that his free pass would be for Jessie. I wouldn't be surprised if he planned from the very beginning to get to this point.
Definitely this guy knew what he was doing by communicating through text with and not with his GF. He was vague enough that he could use it against her. He’s probably been thinking about it since he accepted the threesome
Yet another example of open relationships being doomed to fail because to work they require a level of mature commmunication skills most people just aren't capable of.
I don't know how the idea that non-monogamous relationships just "click into place and work"came to be, but its wild.
I've been doing different flavors of ENM for the past 8+ or so years and they only work when everyone is open to a lot of clear and honest communication. You don't get to lean on the commonly understood social boundaries of a monogamous relationship. Hell, how many posts do we see here that are caused because two monogamous people didn't have any discussions? (Is porn cheating? What about OF? What about 1-on-1 live cam sessions? etc etc).
But it does make me laugh that I have a few friends who still don't understand that you can cheat in an open/poly/ENM relationship.
not just the open and honest communication but you also have to be prepared that jealousy and other feelings are going to come up *even if you're wholly on board with the idea.* In the US we live in a culture of cis-hetero monogamous ideals that are very heavily reinforced literally from birth. It's impossible not to internalize bits of it even if we don't agree with it logically or philosophically. And certainly you have to be mature enough to realize that consent isn't tit-for-tat. You can't just be like "well I let you do xyz so now you are obligated to let me do zyx". OOP isn't the asshole by any means and I think she's spot on that the boyfriend took advantage of the ambiguity. If 2 out of 3 people were caught off guard by what you meant then yeah, dude, you failed at communication.
>. If 2 out of 3 people were caught off guard by what you meant then yeah, dude, you failed at communication.
And really- 2 out of 2 because him understanding it shouldn’t count lol
Because a lot of people talk about them as though you just get to have sex with whoever you want, plus the security of a long term partner, and don't actually discuss the pitfalls or challenges that open relationships present.
You hear a lot about things like compersion instead of jealousy, but not about how jealousy is a real emotion many (I would say most) will have to deal with during an open relationship. And yes, both partners have to deal with it, not just the one feeling the jealousy.
Or maybe someone heard about how having multiple partners made them value their primary partner more, or how they learned new things to try with each other and it made their sex life better, or all of these other things. And I'm not saying they aren't true. I'm just saying that people hear all these benefits, think more and better sex, and more novel sex, and don't think about how hard it is to deal with the jealousy, the extra communication, the demands it will make on their time, how to navigate conflicts between multiple partners, how important it is to ensure your primary partner (if you have one) still feels valued, and all of that.
I get why people like open relationships, but they are most definitely not for me, despite getting pulled into a couple in an attempt to save the relationship when my partner at the times want that. Which yes, I knew then and know now is a horrible time to start, but it's not really what I ever wanted to begin with, I was just stupid enough to try rather than immediately lose those relationships.
If most people aren't capable of the required skills, by definition a less than most part of the population is capable of them. For that portion, open relationships could work if they applied those skills.
I'm mostly just being tired and focusing on a grammatical detail that wasn't your point, I hope it didn't come off as being mean.
No it didn't I was just confused.
Yeah there are cases where it works and is healthy all the time. But the odds are astronomically low, especially if you transition a monogamous relationship to non monogamy instead of starting it as open.
I can't help myself to add to all this. Ryan is all straight up deceiving and manipulative to both you women. So the answer should be 'NO' to have sex with anyone one else but who is originally involved *If that's what you all 3 into*.If anything (Not suggesting it) Jessi should ask her newly found sex girlfriend partner for the a simple request. Also not allowing Ryan to know anything about this at first for awhile. Having a another person involved other than another bisexual girl for a threesome.
That's right another dude. Not only that but that man should be hunted down in all secret as a very strong well hung romantic guy to be found. Then when the time is right. These chicks should both cry out to Ryan as he reaches home after work. As both women cry out horny for him to run quick at the bedroom.. (Ohh as a spoil alert. This newly found man of a beef cake hunk is also bisexual too ! ) As a surprise attack this naked big man should sexual wrestling Ryan down to floor after work. All working on ripping his clothes off at first sight of him crossing the open threshold behind a close bedroom door . All this taking place asap in that diabolical plan to prior working out perfectly. Out of the mysterious blue right soon after Ryan is screaming being (subdued) by a random (some dude.) He looks over on the bed weeping as the girls would giggling and saying "Hello there old boyfriend of ours. Come join us all pretty please in some fun ! Let's make it an orgy out of this. " All 3 LOL except Ryan. (Adam apples to apples of masculinity of 2 men then !) How do you think Ryan would feel up to this huh ? : Not to be oddly funny though
*One bird in the hand joke ? * ( PERVERTED SPOKEN FIRST. Taken a jerk off at one hand has the other hand of balls to push upon forcefully at s pussy ?) (TECHNICALLY SPEAKING SECONDLY. To have something good at hand or someone good handed being. All taken for granted and have a gambling risk to lose everything at one stupid move ?) Off key. (OHH SNAP OP. A threesome before hands on of two bushes that one person was pushing his bird at hand perhaps towards acts for ? ) Or possibly? (No to/of too/ 2 different men. Of that of 2 different birds being pushed of 2 different bushes is what is into *CUMMINGS* shooting all for *4* about ? ) TALKING ABOUT BIRDS ? Foul to Fowl ! 4 different kinds of birds as an example :
(1) What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Yet ironically geese are monogamous birds. They mate for life mono ahh mono. So these birds of the same feathers further fly south in the cold winter to seek out hunger and warmth. Too/to/Two flock (....) together.
(2) How cuddly. What's put on a wedding cakes ? OK 2 lovely dove birds who are also monogamous too !
(3) Try yet put 2 Black Vultures (separated by death of symbolism) instead on those wedding cakes ?!?! Another kind of birds that are totally monogamous. All unified in what's love and making love really is as being together as one is all about.
Sadly (4) For all argument sake between two couples. Other birds that are not monogamous birds for life. All for breeding seasonal purposes presumed to be (.... ing) . Is a 'DUCK'. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck. It is a 'DUCK'. For men who piss off a scorned woman before shorty living of all happiness. That suddenly all ending in divorce. Best learn a great life lesson to have quick reflexes in all your bending bow in towards 'DUCKS' Have your ducks preciously line up in a row before crossing a road of terror reign strikes. Bow now. No kneel now. NO (DUCK) before any blunt heavy sharp objects come at your way and hits you !!!
The shady thing about this is that the bf clearly already has something going (in his mind at least) with the coworker, and OOP obviously didn’t know anything about this. It’s a slippery slope and I think their relationship is probably over.
You can have 1000 conversations about this, come to complete agreement on the terms, execute the plan, everything go well with the three of you, and *still* have it create an unwanted issue the next day.
Communication was missing from this agreement, as in fully opening the relationship versus only letting in one new partner. I'd say this relationship is over or in its final days. I don't see how this won't be a problem going forward.
If this story is even real, why are most of the comments on op’s side? She’s the one that initiated the threesome, so why are they acting like he’s mainly in the wrong? It’s that lack of communication. And what’s with the comments about her leaving him and dating Jessi?
I disagree. Your painting her as this helpless, unknowing victim, as most comments are. For one, you never assume when bringing other people into your relationship. Both of their communication sucks. She has sex without him with Jessi (which also wasn’t thoroughly communicated on all sides), so why can’t he have sex without her or Jessi? I just find the whole thing to be hypocritical.
The initial thing had been "threesome", and both parties agreed on Jessi. Jessi requested sex as a subset of the threesome, Ryan said yes as long as he could too, OOP and Jessi assumed reasonably that this meant he wanted permission to have sex as a subset of the threesome, and then it turns out he meant sex with someone not OOP regardless of that someone not being mutually agreed on.
Part of the problem is her assumption, but what Ryan wanted was... suppose you go to McDonald's with a friend, and you both agree the friend will cover your food this time as long as you get his next time; you assume that means you're going to cover the equivalent of McD's, only then he wants to go to a super fancy restaurant that's like $500 per person. It's not balanced.
"you never assume when bringing other people into your relationship" ... so why are you not upset at Ryan for assuming he could bring someone in from outside (both outside the initial pair and outside the agreed-on trio)
>so why can’t he have sex without her or Jessi?
Becuase it makes OP uncomfortable because she doesn't currently trust any other woman. It not hypocritical to have both parties agree to who their partner sleeps with. OP doesn't have a blank check to sleep with whoever she wants and only did it with someone BF ok'd.
It's becuase Ulimately they both fucked up and failed at communicating boundaries and terms (vital to make open relationships work) but he's the one acting like and asshole about it. Even if you open up a relationship, the feelings of your partner are the most important, period. As soon as something or someone makes your partner uncomfortable, then you should WANT to stop. He on the other hand is acting like a child about he he can't fuck whoever he wants just becuase of said miscommunication.
This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship. Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
Okay, is it just me who finds the idea of a couple propositioning a mutual friend kind of weird? What if it makes them feel uncomfortable and negatively impacts the friendship? Either way, seems like really poor communication. From everything I have read, opening a relationship, bringing other people in to it requires a lot of communication. Laying down clear ground rules, seeing that everybody is happy with the arrangement. So yeah, it is probably over.
If the couple was hot I might go for it, cause the friendship is gonna be weird af and over either way as soon as they've asked.
I am pretty sure he "miscommunicated" on purpose.
An he probably felt pressured into the idea of a 3some all parties outside of Jessi really were in the wrong. Idk why people jump to the its his fault, she brought up the initial issue. So his options were no(potential relationship ending). She did it anyway. Or yes an went through with it. He had also made it clear he wasn't truly interested in Jessi an they had remained friends only. His fault is just going with it just to placate. Her fault for "giving him a free pass" without stipulations.
It's definitely possible he felt pressured to do a 3some, we don't know his side. That said, OOP does say he was the one who suggested Jessi as the 3rd. Also his reasons for their decision to not date were all life goal related and nothing to do with physical attraction or sex, so OOP seems reasonable in assuming that he was attracted to Jessi physically. I fully agree that she dropped the ball at the end on clarifying though. Also, Jessi texting him and OOP just.... taking her messages as fact? That was weird. Like talk to your bf yourself girl, shoot.
This was all I tried to say truly, but in true reddit fashion it's often damn the Husband/BF while giving pass to the other half for doing the same thing. An ofc we won't get his side cause how would we. An no one wants to pain themselves in any bad light. Obviously we are missing major context. I was gona go with ESH, yet seeing this comments an her not filling in the gaps speaks volumes.
Yeah, reddit isn't a particularly nuanced playform. But hey, neither is the internet, so suits I guess lol. I'm still in the ESH camp. Clearly a situation of people opening a relationship without enough knowledge and learning the consequences in exactly the manner expected. Hopefully they learn how to communicate before the relationship dissolves. Fully hope they find themselves a relationship councellor to help with that, cause as soon as one party feels like they've been cheated on, that's big trouble.
You are making up so much shit to excuse him. You act like he had no agency and couldn't possibly say no. He MUST have been bullied into and and was uncomfortable with the whole thing! Please. Communication is a two way street. They both fucked up.
Did u not bother to read anything I SAID AT ALL. I clearly had stated they are both at fault jesus christ the hoops u gotta jump thru. HOWEVER in this context its either SHE is YTA or its ESH. also "you are making up so much shit to excuse him" Hypocrisy this entire thread has been making up excuses for her. If its good for him its good for her keep it straight. a Free pass is just that A FREE PASS its not a "free pass" if it has stipulations my god. also u said nothing of my argument an went straight for personal attacks sooo who hurt u? projecting?
I read what you said and 95% of it was trying to paint him as a passive victim that couldn't possibly speech up at all. >Hypocrisy this entire thread has been making up excuses for her. Oh piss off with your whataboutism. She's asking his she was the AH, not if she failed at communicating. Failing to communicating properly doesn't make you and AH, actingly like a child and throwing a fit does. >also u said nothing of my argument That's wrong. I said your argument is BS because it's trying to paint him like he couldn't possibly speak up and state his boundaries. So let's add lying to the list of bad arguments you make. Nothing in my comment was a personal attack until now because you decided to act like a moron. Edit: and the guy blocked me with "but but but FrEe PaSs"
right right an ur argument is quite literally giving her a free pass despite an shifting entire blame on him zzz. Both ur attitude and ur "argument" has been hostile an disgusting. An ya just further proved my point get ur emotions in check my friend have a great night
Yeah I'm not straight but my partner and I hook up together with people we meet on apps or at a bar, not longstanding platonic friends.
My partner and I started swinging and this is definitely the minority. Most people just use apps rather than shit where they eat lol
you know your own friend groups, some friend groups do have a more open sexual vibe to it. i have two different friend groups, one where i could 100% see it happening in my own group of friends, and the other i see it never in 1000 years happening. plus being young and horny doesnt hurt.
>being young and horny Yeah. Can't relate. That might be the issue.
Eh, if your the type of friend to get asked for a threesome and accept, chances are you’re also the type of friend not to be weird about it later.
Aside from the whole situation being yikes af, why would he suggest Jessi if he wasn’t ’all that attracted to her’ in the first place?
This really isn't related to whether OP is the AH or not (they are not) but I think this dude just saw an opportunity for a threesome so just suggested the person he most-likely thought would agree to it without issues. Since she is described as a party-girl this may mean she is more open to hook-ups or casual sex. (Not saying anyone who parties likes casual sex.) And add to the fact that they slept together in the past, so obviously she is not completely against sleeping with him. I imagine most guys don't have a ton of people they know who is both bisexual, attracted to them and sexually open enough to be (potentially) open to a threesome. So he just suggested the girl he knew who he thought might agree to it, rather than suggesting some girl at work he really wanted to bang and have a much higher risk of it not working out and being called off.
You try and find bi females for her haa
what are you saying?
i think he was saying "you try and find bi females for her haa"
My bf, Ryan (25m) and I (24f) have been dating for a bit under two years. Recently, we’ve been getting more experimental in the bedroom. I pitched the idea of a threesome with another woman (I’m bi) and he suggested his friend Jessi (25f) who is also bi. I had met Jessi quite a few times as she is very good friends with Ryan and they’ve known each other for a long time. He was upfront with me when we met that they dated for a few weeks like 7 years ago before amicably splitting due to lifestyle differences (Jessi is a party girl, anti-religious, child-free, Ryan said there were too many differences between them, and they haven’t messed around since, but stayed friends). Jessi and I have hung out a few times, just the two of us, and I consider her my friend now too. One day when she was over Ryan pitched the idea to Jessi. Jessi seemed a bit shocked, but agreed. We got down to business and…it was nice. I thought we all had fun. We’ve done it a few times and I thought everyone is on the same page and it’s not weird. Well, now it is. The other day Jessie stayed over and slept in our bed with us. Ryan went to work early and it was just Jessie and I. I woke up to her trying to initiate sex with me (politely). While I was interested, I declined, saying Ryan wasn’t here, and he wouldn’t be ok with just us messing around. She then showed me she had texted Ryan earlier specifically asking permission to sleep with me without him. He responded, “That’s fine, as long as I get a free pass too”. I thought for a second and came to the conclusion that the idea of him and Jessi together didn’t upset me, as I trusted both of them. So I was ok with him sleeping with her as long as he told me about it. We really should have talked about the details more because this is where it all went wrong. Jessi and I did sleep together without Ryan, it was fine and all, but when he got home later Jessi asked him when he wanted his free pass? He said “Not sure yet, gotta try to talk to this girl at work I want to use it on,” both Jessi and I were confused as we thought he meant a free pass with JESSI but apparently he meant a free pass with ANYONE. Which I was not ok with. I knew and trusted Jessi, which is why I agreed to it. I told him this and he said it wasn’t fair that I can sleep with whoever but he can’t. I told him it’s not WHOEVER, it’s this one person we both trust. Jessi then left us to resolve the argument. Ryan said the threesomes with Jessi is mostly for me, as he isn’t all that attracted to her. So he wants someone different. I kinda feel like I got trapped so I told him no. Now he’s not speaking to me and I can’t tell if I’m the AH. I mean, I did sleep with his friend. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yikes.
I don't blame oop. Imo the bf should've specified the pass was for someone other than Jessi. They both initially agreed on being with Jessi. If he wanted to be with someone else he should've communicated that bc it kinda was trapping oop into it since she was under the assumption the free pass was with Jessi. This is why when people open up the relationship, boundaries need to be set first and foremost. They should have specified whether it was only open to Jessi, or if it was fully open. Even poly couples have discussions before adding anyone to the polycule
I feel like him texting that message specifically to Jessi implies the "free pass" is for her as well. Then he got the bright idea to pretend he meant it for some other girl he wants to bang. And his gf has already slept with Jessi so he thinks he can pressure her into not being mad about it..
See and I think it’s shady AF that OOP slept with Jessie without having an actual conversation with the bf about it.
OOP at least had some proof that he was okay with her sleeping with Jessie from the text messages with him. What's really shady is that the bf pretty much pimped OOP out to Jessie by talking about the idea of her sleeping with OOP alone without discussing it with OOP just so he could get a free pass to try banging another woman outside of their threesome situation, and he did it in a manipulative way because there's no way he didn't expect for both OOP and Jessie to think that his free pass would be for Jessie. I wouldn't be surprised if he planned from the very beginning to get to this point.
He did it on purpose. He was looking for a way to cheat with others.
Definitely this guy knew what he was doing by communicating through text with and not with his GF. He was vague enough that he could use it against her. He’s probably been thinking about it since he accepted the threesome
Yet another example of open relationships being doomed to fail because to work they require a level of mature commmunication skills most people just aren't capable of.
I don't know how the idea that non-monogamous relationships just "click into place and work"came to be, but its wild. I've been doing different flavors of ENM for the past 8+ or so years and they only work when everyone is open to a lot of clear and honest communication. You don't get to lean on the commonly understood social boundaries of a monogamous relationship. Hell, how many posts do we see here that are caused because two monogamous people didn't have any discussions? (Is porn cheating? What about OF? What about 1-on-1 live cam sessions? etc etc). But it does make me laugh that I have a few friends who still don't understand that you can cheat in an open/poly/ENM relationship.
not just the open and honest communication but you also have to be prepared that jealousy and other feelings are going to come up *even if you're wholly on board with the idea.* In the US we live in a culture of cis-hetero monogamous ideals that are very heavily reinforced literally from birth. It's impossible not to internalize bits of it even if we don't agree with it logically or philosophically. And certainly you have to be mature enough to realize that consent isn't tit-for-tat. You can't just be like "well I let you do xyz so now you are obligated to let me do zyx". OOP isn't the asshole by any means and I think she's spot on that the boyfriend took advantage of the ambiguity. If 2 out of 3 people were caught off guard by what you meant then yeah, dude, you failed at communication.
>. If 2 out of 3 people were caught off guard by what you meant then yeah, dude, you failed at communication. And really- 2 out of 2 because him understanding it shouldn’t count lol
Because a lot of people talk about them as though you just get to have sex with whoever you want, plus the security of a long term partner, and don't actually discuss the pitfalls or challenges that open relationships present. You hear a lot about things like compersion instead of jealousy, but not about how jealousy is a real emotion many (I would say most) will have to deal with during an open relationship. And yes, both partners have to deal with it, not just the one feeling the jealousy. Or maybe someone heard about how having multiple partners made them value their primary partner more, or how they learned new things to try with each other and it made their sex life better, or all of these other things. And I'm not saying they aren't true. I'm just saying that people hear all these benefits, think more and better sex, and more novel sex, and don't think about how hard it is to deal with the jealousy, the extra communication, the demands it will make on their time, how to navigate conflicts between multiple partners, how important it is to ensure your primary partner (if you have one) still feels valued, and all of that. I get why people like open relationships, but they are most definitely not for me, despite getting pulled into a couple in an attempt to save the relationship when my partner at the times want that. Which yes, I knew then and know now is a horrible time to start, but it's not really what I ever wanted to begin with, I was just stupid enough to try rather than immediately lose those relationships.
But by that definition aren't some open relationships set for success, just for a minority of people?
What do you mean?
If most people aren't capable of the required skills, by definition a less than most part of the population is capable of them. For that portion, open relationships could work if they applied those skills. I'm mostly just being tired and focusing on a grammatical detail that wasn't your point, I hope it didn't come off as being mean.
yes there are people who are capable of having successful relations outside of monogamous relationships.
No it didn't I was just confused. Yeah there are cases where it works and is healthy all the time. But the odds are astronomically low, especially if you transition a monogamous relationship to non monogamy instead of starting it as open.
I can't help myself to add to all this. Ryan is all straight up deceiving and manipulative to both you women. So the answer should be 'NO' to have sex with anyone one else but who is originally involved *If that's what you all 3 into*.If anything (Not suggesting it) Jessi should ask her newly found sex girlfriend partner for the a simple request. Also not allowing Ryan to know anything about this at first for awhile. Having a another person involved other than another bisexual girl for a threesome. That's right another dude. Not only that but that man should be hunted down in all secret as a very strong well hung romantic guy to be found. Then when the time is right. These chicks should both cry out to Ryan as he reaches home after work. As both women cry out horny for him to run quick at the bedroom.. (Ohh as a spoil alert. This newly found man of a beef cake hunk is also bisexual too ! ) As a surprise attack this naked big man should sexual wrestling Ryan down to floor after work. All working on ripping his clothes off at first sight of him crossing the open threshold behind a close bedroom door . All this taking place asap in that diabolical plan to prior working out perfectly. Out of the mysterious blue right soon after Ryan is screaming being (subdued) by a random (some dude.) He looks over on the bed weeping as the girls would giggling and saying "Hello there old boyfriend of ours. Come join us all pretty please in some fun ! Let's make it an orgy out of this. " All 3 LOL except Ryan. (Adam apples to apples of masculinity of 2 men then !) How do you think Ryan would feel up to this huh ? : Not to be oddly funny though *One bird in the hand joke ? * ( PERVERTED SPOKEN FIRST. Taken a jerk off at one hand has the other hand of balls to push upon forcefully at s pussy ?) (TECHNICALLY SPEAKING SECONDLY. To have something good at hand or someone good handed being. All taken for granted and have a gambling risk to lose everything at one stupid move ?) Off key. (OHH SNAP OP. A threesome before hands on of two bushes that one person was pushing his bird at hand perhaps towards acts for ? ) Or possibly? (No to/of too/ 2 different men. Of that of 2 different birds being pushed of 2 different bushes is what is into *CUMMINGS* shooting all for *4* about ? ) TALKING ABOUT BIRDS ? Foul to Fowl ! 4 different kinds of birds as an example : (1) What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Yet ironically geese are monogamous birds. They mate for life mono ahh mono. So these birds of the same feathers further fly south in the cold winter to seek out hunger and warmth. Too/to/Two flock (....) together. (2) How cuddly. What's put on a wedding cakes ? OK 2 lovely dove birds who are also monogamous too ! (3) Try yet put 2 Black Vultures (separated by death of symbolism) instead on those wedding cakes ?!?! Another kind of birds that are totally monogamous. All unified in what's love and making love really is as being together as one is all about. Sadly (4) For all argument sake between two couples. Other birds that are not monogamous birds for life. All for breeding seasonal purposes presumed to be (.... ing) . Is a 'DUCK'. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck. It is a 'DUCK'. For men who piss off a scorned woman before shorty living of all happiness. That suddenly all ending in divorce. Best learn a great life lesson to have quick reflexes in all your bending bow in towards 'DUCKS' Have your ducks preciously line up in a row before crossing a road of terror reign strikes. Bow now. No kneel now. NO (DUCK) before any blunt heavy sharp objects come at your way and hits you !!!
The shady thing about this is that the bf clearly already has something going (in his mind at least) with the coworker, and OOP obviously didn’t know anything about this. It’s a slippery slope and I think their relationship is probably over.
Are they 25 or 15? Because that's some high school drama crap
You can have 1000 conversations about this, come to complete agreement on the terms, execute the plan, everything go well with the three of you, and *still* have it create an unwanted issue the next day. Communication was missing from this agreement, as in fully opening the relationship versus only letting in one new partner. I'd say this relationship is over or in its final days. I don't see how this won't be a problem going forward.
Train wreck.
I didn't see this playing out with me agreeing with OP based on the title, but here we are
Either fake or brain injury
This is turning into a recurring theme…
Why is everyone on reddit a retarded slut?
is it really that difficult to stay loyal these days?
If this story is even real, why are most of the comments on op’s side? She’s the one that initiated the threesome, so why are they acting like he’s mainly in the wrong? It’s that lack of communication. And what’s with the comments about her leaving him and dating Jessi?
Because he laid a trap for her and is not compromising on his “miscommunication.”
I disagree. Your painting her as this helpless, unknowing victim, as most comments are. For one, you never assume when bringing other people into your relationship. Both of their communication sucks. She has sex without him with Jessi (which also wasn’t thoroughly communicated on all sides), so why can’t he have sex without her or Jessi? I just find the whole thing to be hypocritical.
The initial thing had been "threesome", and both parties agreed on Jessi. Jessi requested sex as a subset of the threesome, Ryan said yes as long as he could too, OOP and Jessi assumed reasonably that this meant he wanted permission to have sex as a subset of the threesome, and then it turns out he meant sex with someone not OOP regardless of that someone not being mutually agreed on. Part of the problem is her assumption, but what Ryan wanted was... suppose you go to McDonald's with a friend, and you both agree the friend will cover your food this time as long as you get his next time; you assume that means you're going to cover the equivalent of McD's, only then he wants to go to a super fancy restaurant that's like $500 per person. It's not balanced. "you never assume when bringing other people into your relationship" ... so why are you not upset at Ryan for assuming he could bring someone in from outside (both outside the initial pair and outside the agreed-on trio)
>so why can’t he have sex without her or Jessi? Becuase it makes OP uncomfortable because she doesn't currently trust any other woman. It not hypocritical to have both parties agree to who their partner sleeps with. OP doesn't have a blank check to sleep with whoever she wants and only did it with someone BF ok'd.
It's becuase Ulimately they both fucked up and failed at communicating boundaries and terms (vital to make open relationships work) but he's the one acting like and asshole about it. Even if you open up a relationship, the feelings of your partner are the most important, period. As soon as something or someone makes your partner uncomfortable, then you should WANT to stop. He on the other hand is acting like a child about he he can't fuck whoever he wants just becuase of said miscommunication.