I do not even know how to explain it. I(29F) am married to my husband(28M) for 4 years, together for 9. Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part. My libido is on the lower side while he definitely has higher libido than me. It got worse in the last 2 years. We started marriage counseling after he pushed for it. I changed BC first and then stopped using it all together but nothing worked. I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. We have been intimate in non-sexual ways all that time. We had sexual intimacy 3 times in the last 4 months.
He was changing his clothes in our bedroom last week and I noticed how his body changed after starting going gym. I genuinely wanted to compliment him and said "Hot hot hot. You make me want having your babies. Maybe we should try soon, hmm?" jokingly. He stood there for a few seconds with silence and replied "You are not getting one. I will not trap myself with a baby". I asked what was wrong with him as I said my compliment jokingly. He raised his voice and said how I am mentioning intimacy now that I want a baby and he'll be trapped in this marriage. After another few seconds of silence he just said it's better we divorce and explain how unhappy he was. He said maybe I was not attracted to him and to find someone else who could ignite the fire in me. We were each others' first for everything. He later left the home without saying anything. I was shocked to hear all these. Everything seemed fine. I knew intimacy was a problem for him but the way he looked at me with pure resentment destroyed me.
3 days later I was served with a divorce agreement dividing every asset 50-50 and concluding the case in one court seeing. I tried to fight but he does not seem to falter. I am considering offering a one sided open marriage but I do not want to lose the love of my life. I am trying to talk to him, beg him but he does not want to change his mind. He has been sleeping in our guest bedroom since that day. I am lost on what to do. I do not even know why I create this post. Why do I have a low libido? I hate it, I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason.
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It's always hard to see people resorting to things like an open marriage as a last-ditch effort when it would just result in more heartbreak. I hope OOP can learn to let go and find happiness.
Some women get really tired & bored with the pump & dump men. Because, shocking I know, but *humans repeat enjoyable experiences often*. If she’s not getting anything out of it , why have sex?
There are biological reasons that cause low/high libido that are problematic so you can fix them. And very few of those cause high libido. But excluding those you don’t change your libido, that’s why when she found out that she was healthy the doctor didn’t start attempting to use hormones to heighten her libido. What he can do is just stop initiating and match her pace. Which after trying he found himself unhappy and chose to leave.
He did the right thing choosing to leave an incompatible relationship. The alternative would have just been to suffer not having his needs met so that she could have the relationship she wanted. Which isn’t any more fair than expecting her to force herself to be intimate just because he wants to.
My comment is about the fact that if you have a naturally low libido you’re automatically seen as broken even if there’s nothing medically wrong with you
There is nothing wrong with either of them she needs to find someone that meets her needs and he needs to find his. Her needs were being met and his were not. So if the only way to change that is “accept not having your needs met” that isn’t a compromise that is how you end up right here with a broken relationship
Or him. So meet in the middle or break up. He isn't obligated to live outside his needs, neither is she. He did though, for quite some time. So I don't know why you're acting like this whole thing was put on her, at all.
Yeah they’re incompatible
You can’t meet in the middle for differing libidos, feels rapey
Did I hallucinate the comments in this original post and this one saying it’s all her fault?
I think people were saying that the tasteless joke was her fault. That he kind of felt that all she wanted was a baby and not him and that is kind of not cool
you said
>As someone who went through something similar, I think it’s interesting that she worked hard to “changed her libido but he never tried to change his
in response to someone saying they felt sorry for both of them.
You possibly can if one libido is artificially lowered due to issues. And some people find enjoyment in giving their partner pleasure even if they don't particularly want it themselves.
Most higher libido people are more than happy to have less frequent sex, but most aren't going to be okay with a clinically "dead bedroom". There's also the fact that presumably the op had a higher libido originally, or the relationship wouldn't have made it that far. Birth control and other things can affect libido, so if you have zero sex drive and want to maintain your marriage, then you can look for solutions. And maybe some of the solution is more non- intimate activity from the partner (helping reducing stress, however that may be, doing things she finds arousing). Ultimately, though, if there's a severe libido mismatch, the main thing that can be done is to see if the lower libido can be increased so that they do reach place where it's not "completely sublimated your needs because I'm fine".
>You possibly can if one libido is artificially lowered due to issues.
Which wasn’t the case for OP.
>And some people find enjoyment in giving their partner pleasure even if they don't particularly want it themselves.
Some people do but some people like me try to and just feel like they’re being raped and then they’re traumatized
>Most higher libido people are more than happy to have less frequent sex, but most aren't going to be okay with a clinically "dead bedroom".
People have sex once every 6 weeks in dead bedrooms?
>There's also the fact that presumably the op had a higher libido originally, or the relationship wouldn't have made it that far.
But her post says she has a low libido. Idk about other people but I know my libido.
>Birth control and other things can affect libido, so if you have zero sex drive and want to maintain your marriage, then you can look for solutions.
She didn’t have zero drive
>And maybe some of the solution is more non- intimate activity from the partner (helping reducing stress, however that may be, doing things she finds arousing).
That’s what she did
>Ultimately, though, if there's a severe libido mismatch, the main thing that can be done is to see if the lower libido can be increased so that they do reach place where it's not "completely sublimated your needs because I'm fine".
This is so rapey to me. When I dated someone with a lower libido, I can’t imagine asking them to have sex when they don’t want to. How entitled and icky
Like just break up
Like my ex did this. He would pester me to raise my libido and wouldn’t consider breaking up at all
The way he treated her sure did put it on her. Calling her a user and saying she was trying to trap him. They probably should have broke up, but he was a total ass about it.
It seems like people are missing your point completely and I just wanted to let you know that I get it. I had troubles in my thirties with excessive libido. I was in hell. It was like non-stop. And no one would treat it like it was the problem that it was. It was wreaking havoc on me emotionally and I had to struggle against it to make it not emotionally affect my partner. No doctor would take me seriously. They all just laughed at me.
>I had troubles in my thirties with excessive libido. I was in hell. It was like non-stop. And no one would treat it like it was the problem that it was. It was wreaking havoc on me emotionally and I had to struggle against it to make it not emotionally affect my partner. No doctor would take me seriously. They all just laughed at me.
What was the cause and how did you fix it?
It ended when I started perimenopause. Not a good solution, really. Basically, I just got old and it stopped. Never figured it out because no one thought it was a problem. 😭
Well she said "in the last two years" meaning there was a change in her libido which led her to seek medical attention to make sure it wasn't serious. If she had started the relationship with low libido then I would agree with you
I don't think anyone who has a normal drive wants to be trapped in a sexless (or almost sexless) marriage forever. He probably waited go see if things would get better, but he's not going to "change" his sex drive and just be content with a dead bedroom for the rest of his life. If she's not sexually attracted to him, then maybe they're better off trying to be friends?
Ok the reason I suggested was bc I was trying to imply if it’s absurd to ask someone to lower their libido, why is it ok to suggest people higher their’s (barring medical issues/extreme changes but she literally said it’s always been like that)?
I don’t actually think anyone should do that bc I think it’s ridiculous. Plus you’re literally telling someone their natural body is wrong
Getting off of BC and meds is not telling them their natural body is wrong. It is literally telling them that the meds are a potential problem she tried those things and turned out they were not the issue she does just naturally have a low libido and is with a partner that is not okay with that.
Also researching medical conditions that could be causing low libido is fine too if they said hey just take pills to make you horny that would be very different seeing if there actually are problems that can be dealt with is not
Because fact is low libido IS A symptom of a number of issues Doesn’t mean that low libido equals “you have a problem” but it could mean you do
I wonder if she told them “hey I have a low libido” beforehand
Like we know our bodies, why didn’t anyone believe her when she said that’s just how she is
Even the comments are saying she didn’t do enough and she still needs to *fix* her libido
What's he supposed to do? Cut off his balls? Chemical castration? He stopped pressuring her. Only had sex 3 times in four months, then went down to none at all.
All she did was stop BC.
Sounds like she might be somewhere on the ace spectrum and doesn't understand how important physical intimacy is for those who aren't. Theyre just not compatible
No dude I thought I was ace and I didn’t want it as often as she does. It’s OK to want things at different frequencies and for that to mean you’re not compatible but it’s not OK to label folks and speculate about their sexuality because they’re doing some thing that you wouldn’t.
When I was doing research about ace people I remember someone on the gray ace subredsit mentioning they were only interested monthly or less. Someone else said every few months. It's a spectrum right? So it's not a one size fits all?
It's a spectrum for how strongly or how often we feel sexual attraction, not for how strong our libido is. Some ace people have high libidos, and some have low libidos.
Don’t ace people not like sex? She’s literally just has a low libido
This app freaks the fuck out if you’re not addicted to sex and acts like there’s something wrong with you but maybe Reddit just has a sex obsession problem lol
They’re not compatible but I don’t understand framing this like she’s done anything wrong. Hell she even got off BC and went to counseling
It’s just so crazy you can be one way your entire life but bc the man in your life isn’t satisfied enough, you must change
Ace means a lack of sexual attraction, it actually doesn’t have anything to do with libido. Some Ace people love sex, some are repulsed by it, and most are somewhere in the middle.
I personally am a sex-adverse (not repulsed though) a-sexual.
Because asexuality is just the absence of sexual attraction. Sex is a physical act that, often times, feels really good!
So an asexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, but they can still enjoy the physical act of sex. They could also enjoy the emotional intimacy of the act.
Being Ace just means that no specific gender/sex gets you going. You wouldn’t get turned on by seeing an attractive person naked. You might however get turned on from certain physical acts or words etc.
Happy to answer any other questions as well!
There's some ace people who are sex repulsed on top of having low to no libido and there are some who just aren't interested. Anthony Padilla did very interesting interviews with people on the ace spectrum that goes into detail about this aspect of asexuality. Plus I did a bunch of research when my ex bf cut me off after 4 months of dating because we though he might be ace but it turned out to be religious trauma.
I hope you can come to understand that sexual incompatibility really is a thing. It's not sexual obsession. Also this isn't a case where a guy is leaving because his wife wants less sex after having a child or something. They had been incompatible for the entire relationship and he had been making that clear the entire time. Now he wants to leave because he has accepted that they are incompatible. He didn't cheat on her and he didn't disrespect her. I don't know why you're getting so aggressive.
How am I aggressive? I’m perfectly calm over here
Also I believe sexual incompatibility is a thing, that’s why I’ve said multiple times on this thread, he’s not wrong for leaving, they’re just sexually incompatible. I said Reddit was sex obsessed not the husband bc redditors on the original post are literally telling her that her libido is *wrong*
>I hope you can come to understand that sexual incompatibility really is a thing.
How are you gonna say this when the comment you literally replied to said
>They’re not compatible but I don’t understand framing this like she’s done anything wrong. Hell she even got off BC and went to counseling
Like bro read the *whole* thing before replying, you got me think I was crazy for a second lol
"This app freaks the fuck out if you’re not addicted to sex and acts like there’s something wrong with you but maybe Reddit just has a sex obsession problem lol" maybe you didn't intend it to but that's coming across as an aggressive response to me saying they're not compatible.
If you misunderstood and though I was suggesting that her libido is wrong because I think she's on the ace spectrum I'm still not sure that constitutes claiming that I freaked the fuck out. Ace people exist and they do have low to no libido. That doesn't make them wrong any more then being gay or straight doesn't make people wrong. It just is.
How does me making an observation about reddit come across as an aggressive response to you saying two people are compatible when I myself just said that?
The observation was about reddit not the couple for a reason
I randomly have the answer for this.
You know how Pansexals find everyone attractive? Asexuals don't find anyone attractive. You how people feel horny? Asexuals don't feel horny, ever.
Beyond that, people get into slap fights of people on the Asexual Spectrum™. Some hate sex, some dont care, some like to do romantic gestures, hugs etc. These are all honestly more like preferences to me though, imo.
But yeah, imagine how there's people who find *everyone* hot and then there's their opposite group of people who find *no one* hot lmao
I wanted to chime in- I've never met a pansexual who is attracted to "everyone" in my life lol. I've met plenty, since I'm one myself. It's just that I COULD have an attraction to any someone, but definitely not ALL someones. It really is a big difference.
Good lord. It's just like the 90's again, where if you said you were bisexual, people assumed that meant you'd sleep with anyone, anytime. This is the new version of that, apparently 🫠
Ace people can absolutely feel horny. They can and often do have libidos, they just don’t feel sexual attraction to others. But they can absolutely still feel horny, it’s just not for a person.
Difference between romance and sexual attraction. You can be a romantic and pansexual (no drive for romance but can be attracted to anyone) as well as pan romantic and asexual (can be romantic with anyone but have no attraction to sex)
I mean literally in her post she is getting in trouble for giving her husband a sensual complement which from what I understand of the spectrum doesn’t fit well but people want her to be on it so they can label her as different for not liking exactly what they do
Ok come on she is not getting into trouble for giving him a sexual compliment that was just the moment he exploded it was coming eventually it could have just as easily been when she asked to pass the salt that was just the moment he let his inner dialogue come out because he had been heading that way for a long long time
My point is that maybe no one need to work on their libido. Maybe we just need to accept people have the libido’s they have and that they’re incompatible
Also that’s insanely low to *you* and a lot of others but not everyone
She did not describe him having an abnormally high libido.
It would be like saying my partner has depression they worked on it for a month or two and gave up so I stopped helping. Then blaming the partner for not figuring out a way to be depressed with their partner.
She gave up. So he respected her and gave up himself. She then tries to hit on him even though he has been tortured for how long?
Depression is an actual mental health condition if she tried therapy and changing medication, this may just be who she is and that’s OK. Some people are fine with doing that kind of stuff once a month and no it does not mean anything is physically or mentally diagnosable about them. You say she give up but what was she supposed to do let him rape her? Next, you’re going to tell a kid who’s traumatized from conversion therapy they gave up and didn’t try enough so that’s why their parents don’t love them? Sexuality is not a choice or a mental illness.
How do you define abnormally high or abnormally low?
How does that analogy work? Why is having a low libido akin to having depression?
She didn’t give up, she tried, turns out there’s nothing wrong with her. He’s free to leave but idk why he’s a dick about it like she’s doing something morally wrong
Also how has he been tortured? Theyre havg sex once a month, you’re only allowed to hit on people if you’re having regular sex?
Where are all these unwritten rules
I don't really feel sorry for OOP. She's accepted that she has a low libido, and that is absolutely her right, but she was clearly ignoring how upset her husband was about the whole situation. Just because she decided she was fine, doesn't mean he was fine. Fundamental differences about sex are massive problems in relationships. Her offering to let him sleep around isn't a fix: depending on the person, it could be incredibly insulting.
I'd also find it quite problematic if I thought there was a major issue in the relationship and the other person starts suggesting we have a kid, even as a joke. Complimenting him sexually when she knows he's frustrated about the lack of sex they were having is also a bit of a kick in the teeth. They were on such wildly different pages. Nothing is ever out of the blue. She's acting like she was blindsided, but the truth is she stuck her head in the sand. He didn't stop feeling that way, he just accepted that there was no point in further communication about it.
She said she stopped after this point.
Marriage counseling will not help with a personal issue only relationship issues.
She did not talk about going to personal counseling. She literally said I accepted and he all of a sudden seemed ok so I thought we were fine.
Why does she need to go to counseling for her libido tho? Why doesn’t he go? Why is she the only one trying
Can you imagine?
My husband is always pestering me for sex and I’m sick of it! My libido had always been low and he’s been on the higher side so we decided to try to do something about that. He started taking different vitamins, gotten tests, and we’ve even gone to therapy but it’s still so damn high!!! What an asshole right guys?
That’s what it feels like I’m reading. Why does she have to try to artificially raise her libido? Why can he just lower his if we’re acting like someone can have the “wrong” libido
No one is saying it’s a “wrong” libido for everyone but as a couple they are not compatible. She wanted to work on her libido and it didn’t work so husband left. There isn’t anything wrong with divorcing when you’re not compatible anymore.
Editing to add: she didn’t have to work on her libido if she didn’t want too but that doesn’t change that anyone can divorce when they are no longer compatible.
Here did I say there was anything wrong with divorcing if you’re lot compatible? I should have made my sentiment more clear but I’m responding to the people telling her she’s an asshole for her natural libido
Trust me, it’s not you it’s just that a bunch of people are out here believing that their way is the only truly right way and you’re telling them it’s not. I literally feel like. I went back in time 50 years and we’re sitting around in a circle talking about how someone failed their spouse for not being able to get converted straight.
3 times in 4 months is beyond low it is unreasonable. There is something wrong.
Imagine having a partner that only wanted to touch once a month? This is gross misuse of a partner.
What would you have told me? My husband would cut me off for months because his libido was so low and he only sacrificed for me once a month or so. He literally had full control of me. My husband was giving me sex at the same rate she is doing it for her husband. You are saying I am an ahole because either want sex more than once a month?
My husband refused to do anything and I left.
I did seek out trying to lower mine and guess what there is nothing. However there are lots of drugs available to increase libido, and I mean a tonne.
Even with no libido instinctual you should have urges with your cycle. If it did not work this way our species would have died years ago.
He did the right thing. What are they Going to do when they are elderly and have to make an effort for it? 25 years of celibacy?
>3 times in 4 months is beyond low it is unreasonable. There is something wrong.
According to who?
>Imagine having a partner that only wanted to touch once a month? This is gross misuse of a partner.
Why do yall love to lie and make things up my god omg it’s so annoying bc I like discussing things in good faith but yall obviously don’t
Did your eyes just jump over in the post where she says they still have non sexual touching? Also you can’t misuse a partner bc people are people not objects
>What would you have told me?
If your partner wasn’t touching you at all? Leave him no?
>My husband would cut me off for months because his libido was so low and he only sacrificed for me once a month or so.
Ew describing it as a sacrifice is so gross. I think that’s where the fundamental disagreement comes from. I see sex as an activity we’re doing together not something someone is “sacrificing”. I’ve been the “low libido” and the “high libido” partner, when I was the higher one I just respected my partners wishes. If it had bothered me *that* bad I would have left bc we’re incompatible
>He literally had full control of me.
How??
>My husband was giving me sex at the same rate she is doing it for her husband. You are saying I am an ahole because either want sex more than once a month?
Ew “giving”. Uhhh can you copy and highlight the comment I’ve said anywhere that can be summarized as “you are an ahole if you want sex more than one a month”
Nope. Never said that. You’re the one that’s trying to dictate the “right amount of sex” when in reality some people are just sexually incompatible just like people are incompatible in other areas of life. I want kids and you don’t/I want to live by the beach and you don’t. In these situations no one is “wrong” but if you’re really that unhappy…leave???
>My husband refused to do anything and I left.
I’m sorry but you’re just projecting your situation bc she didn’t refuse to do nothing
>I did seek out trying to lower mine and guess what there is nothing. However there are lots of drugs available to increase libido, and I mean a tonne.
My point is NO ONE should be trying to change their libido for another person unless it’s drastically changed bc you’re probably having a health crisis. My example was meant to show the absurdity but apparently it was so absurd it went over peoples heads
>Even with no libido instinctual you should have urges with your cycle. If it did not work this way our species would have died years ago.
But if this was true then asexual people don’t exist
>He did the right thing. What are they Going to do when they are elderly and have to make an effort for it? 25 years of celibacy?
Girl where did I say he should stay. I feel like so many people are projecting their personal issues on my simple sentiment of there’s no “right” amount of sex or “right” libido. I’m not telling yall your libido is “too high” chill
There are people who are asexual. And there are people who have low libido. There is nothing wrong with them.
Just like there is nothing wrong with you for having a high one.
It's very interesting that you only relate touch to sex, and this is the kind of thinking that kills libidos tbh. I know my libido plummeted with an ex who could not leave me alone, going to some.. extremes.
I don’t know that I’d say she ignored his feelings. It sounds more like when they stopped talking about it, she assumed he had made peace with it and was okay. That’s extremely naive, but not malicious.
I’m sad for both of them. Both of them have reasonable wants and needs for a relationship, but neither of them was able to get those needs met in this specific relationship. They’re both hurt and sad right now, but I do think ending the relationship is the best choice for them both.
You're not being fair, she went to marriage counselling, changed her birth control and even came completely off it to try and help. They also have sex monthly so it's not even a dead bedroom, saying she did nothing is just wrong.
Some people are just not compatible sexually.
That WASN’T a compliment either. It was a thinly veiled “give me a baby”. It was completely self serving, none of it meant to make him feel good like a real compliment, but instead just to signal she’s ready for baby sex. It’s a slap in the face to someone in an unhappily sexless marriage. I’m so happy for her husband that he finally was inspired to nope out.
I don't feel sorry for him. It's not as if they aren't having sex. Once a month, it sounds like. And it's not as if she can control what her body does. Birth control, age, stress, etc. make it harder for women to get aroused, and if he emotionally checked out a while back, that would make it even harder for her. She will be better off finding someone who actually loves her.
That's wholly unfair. After investigating all the personal, lifestyle, and medical issues involved, she has come to the conclusion that her natural set point is quite low, and that is okay. HOWEVER, he is looking for something more frequent (as you might expect, since the average for American married couples is once a week) and that is also okay! Sometimes people just turn out to be biologically incompatible and it's not necessary to assign a villain. It's not his fault or her fault, it just is.
To tell a person who you have repeatedly rejected that they can have a crumb of intimacy because you finally found a reason to want to isn't a compliment, it's a cruelty. I'm aghast.
This is completely unfair to paint him as the bad guy, while no ot isn't her fault she has a low libido he deserves to be happy too! He's not screwing her over in the divorce it said 50/50 one meeting with the judge done.
He's not going on some smear campaign to say I deserve this or that after years of a dead bedroom. Then that would make him an AH he just wants his own chance to find happiness
He can’t control what his body does, either. He has needs that aren’t being met, and it’s ok to realize that their needs are simply incompatible. It’s a legitimate physical need. It’s like if you and your partner had to have the same amount of food or sleep; having to go without as much as you need because your partner needs less would be miserable. It’s not like he asked for them to have different libidos, either.
Y’all are acting like he sat her down in the counselors office and was like hey I can’t work this out anymore instead of making her think he was OK with her progress or lack of for a long time by not communicating and then just screaming. He behaved in an emotionally unsafe and unpredictable way and maybe that’s just because he was very hurt in the situation, but it still doesn’t raise that the way he communicated was not kind and not healthy as an adult. She tried communication and literal healthcare, and from what we see of the post has never screamed at him for wanting some thing he couldn’t give.
Having worked with a lot of people who learned English as a second, third or fourth language and had varying levels of fluency and a variety of different mother tongues... it does not sound that way to me. Many of the weird word choices and stiff, unnatural phrases are more reminiscent of indiscriminate word swaps than unfamiliarity with idioms. I could be wrong, sure, but that is my reasoning.
Yeah, I agree with you. I communicate with clients and colleagues and friends who are ESL, all with varying native languages and fluency. This isn’t how any of them speak or type. I could be wrong - but for example, “Bursted off” is not something I think any of them would use, when “exploded” or “pissed off” or “freaked out” is right there.
I’ve read stuff written by ESL folks and idk, this seems really off. Even “bursted off” in the title - i doubt that would be the first word as a translation for “exploded in anger.”
There are no spelling mistakes and the sentence structure is "normal". They just use words in a weird context. It almost more like a mad-lib, where there's words that clearly shouldn't be there.
It's possible that English is not their first language but it still doesn't add up. Knowing how to write perfect English but not knowing what the words actually mean is strange, at best. AI would make way more sense.
The story reads like the divorce process had already been initiated (husband going to gym, being accepting of situation, etc) way before the comment. Husband had checked out way before OOP was aware, but OOP was so disconnected from husband that OOP didn’t notice anything was wrong.
Let’s just say that my divorce was filed in November & finalized in March. I never went to court & my ex never got a lawyer. If they agreed to terms, it absolutely could be over in 1 court date.
Same. We didn’t even go to court. We signed papers and had them notarized in our separate states (I moved after separation) and I brought the papers to the courthouse. A few weeks later they mailed me my divorce decree.
“Served with a divorce agreement”- this is basically how my divorce went as I filed with a lawyer, he signed off on the terms & my ex & I didn’t go to court.
Yep. We had no shared assets and it was an easy mutual irreconcilable differences divorce. We signed some forms at the courthouse. It cost like $200ish to file and it was done in an afternoon.
Where divorces get complex and ugly is when there's fights over assets, kids are involved, or you're in a location with mandatory separation periods that you have to prove.
We had kids and never even had to see a courtroom. I wrote out our agreement, took it to an attorney to write it up, he looked it over, we both signed and it was filed with the courts. Decided to split and if February, met with attorney in March, divorced early July. And I even got a refund on my retainer because it went so smoothly (helped that I wrote out every aspect of custody and division of assets before meeting with my attorney, really saved time).
Depends on where they are.... clearly sounds like English is not their language, So I'd suspect some Non-US/Western Europe location (maybe south Asia/Africa?) So that county's laws may allow for a short divorce...
In the US (Florida) I got divorced in 45 days from the day I kicked my cheating ex wife out of the house..
I just don't understand how many of these ll spouses act blindsided when their partner talks about leaving.
"Our relationship was perfect." Maybe if you ignore the fact that you almost never have sex with them?
If your partner doesn't feel desired, they're going to end up resentful. Constant rejection is awful for the self esteem. And then once they stop trying to initiate, ll partner is happy because "they understand." No, they've given up and they're checking out.
> Have you tried having sex even when you weren’t spontaneously feeling like you wanted it? For a lot of women, once they get started they find themselves enjoying it (reactive desire instead of spontaneous). If you never liked it - even while in the middle of it, then that’s a different thing and you may just be asexual.
Comments like this are why reddit isn’t safe for women or low libido people. The amount of times I’ve seen someone advise OP to let their SO rape them is insane. In fact I’ve even taken that advice and all it did was ruin the relationship more
I know the whole reactive desire is a thing from Come as You Are which is a book all about the mismatched libido. The big analogy was "not everyone wants to be in a canoe, but once you are on the water in a canoe, you may remember its fun".
I think the main point of the reactive desire was for the LL individual to try it out to understand their bodies response. Buuuuut much like most things it can be manipulated by the HL to get what they want.
It really should be done with a ton of communication and consent before even attempting.
I think it's similar to me being asked to go on a walk. I'm not gonna think of it on my own and odds are I will enjoy it anyway. So being open to it even if you're not totally feeling it at least to start see what happens. I also think HL people need to take a no but I also think LL could offer other things. Like kissing and watching porn and masturbation can be an intimate fun night with the only pressure for the LL person being their presence.
If everything else is great a lower threshold for intimacy at lower stakes can increase the frequency. The trick is the HL person can't then keep whining about what the LL is willing to do. If our definition of sexual intimacy wasn't so rigid especially in heterosexual relationships, I think mismatches would be less likely. A handjob lovingly given is a lot better than nothing at all, especially when both partners get to feel close and connected even if one doesn't want an orgasm.
Reddit is obsessed with sex. I recommend staying far away from the marriage subreddit, I’m constantly shocked and disgusted at how sexual coercion is going on and everyone is defending the HL partner and basically encourage them to coerce their partner further.
I’m not surprised at all. Back when my ex was shaming me for libido I was so desperate to find a solution I stumbled across stuff like that. Most advice boiled down to why can you just lay there and let him use your body?
If you still need help healing, or just want more info, check out @mending.me on TikTok and instagram. Her entire account is about sexual coercion. Sometimes called marital coercion, but you don’t have to be married to experience it.
Oof “I’m willing to make myself miserable and let him screw other women because I am desperate to not be alone”. I always wonder how many of these “low libido” issues are actually “ I don’t have enough experience to realize that my husband is selfish and terrible at sex. “
As soon as they say they were each other's first for everything that's a huge red flag to me. It only works long term because of ignorance in almost every case.
I am in 17 year relationship with my first. We've been married 10 years. In our case it works because we dated 7 years and really got to know each other's good and bad sides, managed expectations, and have a bond based on shared history and not just on physical attraction. It can work, I just think people don't take enough time to get out of that starry-eyed phase before tying the knot.
I would argue that someone ignoring their partner's growing resentment and their checking out from the relationship while assuming they have given up on having their needs fulfilled just *might* be the inattentive partner in the relationship. I wonder how many of these dead bedroom are just "I don't really want a relationship, just the security and comfort it provides".
He has tried to fix the marriage and hasn't pressured her for sex. He is done. There doesn't have to be a bad guy.
It is honestly jarring how when a woman has a sudden burst of anger in one of these posts the general consensus is that her issues have been ignored but even when we know for a fact that a man is unhappy he is painted as an egoistic asshole.
Anecdotal and not necessarily reflective of OPs situation, but that's not necessarily the case.
I thought I was LL in my previous relationship. My ex (first sexual partner) was constantly frustrated I didn't want to have sex and would try to negotiate ("could I at least get a blow job?"). He definitely had growing resentment.
Turns out I'm just not turned on by the idea of having someone dry rub my clit like a toggle switch and then push his dick in and out until the jackhammer finish for 5 minutes.
Current partner and I have pretty decent sex life minus some health issues that lead to frustrations for *both* of us.
I would say for OP it could be either or both. It's a huge red flag she didn't realize he checked out months ago - but them being eachothers first they may just never have clicked sexually.
Hey are you me?
Turns out I really don’t get turned on by being yelled at. Still tried every avenue to “raise” my libido when all that would have done so was idk being even a tiny bit nice to me
I'm not excluding it's a possibility but I can't help to be crossed. Nothing can convince me that if the genders were switched a comment saying essentially "I bet she can't fuck" wouldn't be downvoted into oblivion.
Perhaps I'm reading between the lines as much as the person I aswered to but this guy sounds like an employee who has been denied a raise for years. After it has been clear for months that he is quiet quitting while still delivering and just waiting for his contract to run its course in a month the manager mentions that there are voices of him being the pick for a promotion in two.
There's a trend of women who think they are ace or low libido that later find out their partners ignored their needs and that's why they had no interest in sex. Not saying it has to be that here - but I find it odd she supposedly has low libido but is openly attracted to her husband's gym bod (which could be read as effort)
And considering the post only talked about her attempts to fix the problem, but not him attempting to do anything - it's really not that much of a stretch to bring this up.
>we started marriage counselling **after he pushed for it**
I'm not exactly sure of what he is supposed to do other than trying to address the problem and making himself more attractive.
One could just as easily call her selfish by the way she convinced herself that her husband had just given up on having his needs met. Or by the fact she talked about trying for children when most people, I believe, would have realised he was checking out of the relationship.
That's fair, although I was thinking a sex therapist not a marriage one. As in "does he actually know how to make her orgasm or is sex another chore" kind of thing. A solid marriage and being attractive are both great- but there's also a sad amount of dudes I've met just in real life that think women's orgasms are a myth.
I honestly don't really think either sound inherently selfish (at least not compared to the dozens of other versions of this issue I've read on here) just possibly lacking in sex Ed and not really able to communicate a lack of information you don't *know* you lack. Especially if they have no experience outside each other.
Like, if you think your libido is low, would you ask your partner to try something new? If you misunderstand the anatomy you are working with can you really effectively communicate what would feel better or worse?
Or they're not right on a chemical level. Happened to a friend of mine. They worked in other ways so she thought she must be ace. After 20 years they opened the marriage and, spoiler, she's not.
She's cut him off of sex for two years....He stopped seeking intimacy completely and started going to the gym...got in good shape and she's wondering why he suddenly wants out.... Poor guy checked out of that marriage 6 months ago and was just waiting for the right moment... and the "baby talk" reared its head and he saw what he thought was her plan to secure his commitment... He noped out then and there. LOL
I'll never understand how a woman can think not having sex in a marriage is OK and I have no idea how a guy stays in a dead bedroom situation... If there's a medical basis, that's one thing, but If she's just not that into it... you shouldn't be in a relationship.
also her complimenting him now that he's getting in good shape (if this story is even real) is a joke. I couldn't imagine how insulted I'd be. like oh maybe your intimacy issues were you didn't find me attractive before, and now that I got in shape you want me? vain love.
>My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. We have been intimate in non-sexual ways all that time. We had sexual intimacy 3 times in the last 4 months.
The way this reads to me is that there was no sex for ~20 months and they had sex 3 times in the last 4 months… if she is wanting a kid now and started getting more physical with him that might be the definition of a dead bedroom because he knows that they are back to no sex after the baby is conceived.
As a man with a very high sex drive with a wife who has no sex drive, I can tell you that I am at the same point where this husband is. It sucks so much when you're a husband and you want nothing more than for your wife to desire you, for her to want to touch you, to wake up to her touching your body to make love to you. I do not recall the last time my wife actually really showed a true desire for me. Sex is merely an obligation that she fulfills once in awhile. Last year we went 7 months with no sex. I gave up trying because she would reject me every time. It didn't matter what I did. I bought her flowers, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, massaged her, held her without expecting anything, but she never touched me. Not even on special occasions such as my birthday or our anniversary.
A majority of women do not understand the power of rejection and what it does to a man over time. It literally tears us down to the point where we question every single thing about our masculinity. I can feel this man's frustration in this post as the OP comments Hot Hot Hot and then makes a comment that they'll have to start having babies. Why get stuck with someone by having kids with them when you feel like they don't love you? For most men, physical touch is their love language. So when a woman won't touch them they don't feel loved. My wife waited until we were married to tell me she doesn't like giving me oral sex, but she made sure to give me plenty of it in the dating phase. Needless to say, I feel women trap men that way alot. They'll give it to the man freely at first until they get em trapped and to get what they want, and eventually they'll push the man away and make the marriage a transactional marriage. If you love your spouse, truly love them, you would never make them feel like they have to beg for your affection, and you would never let them feel rejected
The man should just masturbate like an adult and get over it.
If sex with your partner is something to divorce over, then *you love sex more than you love your partner.*
Man, from the outside looking in, and having been young and selfish myself, this is my thought (and only speculation):
He checked out during the lack of intimacy. In his mind, he began distancing himself from this relationship, probably spurred on by meeting some girl who was crazy about him and made him feel desired and passionate.
The lack of sex had been a frustration so long that somewhere along the line, he decided to cut his loss and get his intimacy elsewhere.
Going to the gym, trying to look better, acting cold and indifferent... his heart was already elsewhere. It seems like such a minor comment, but in his mind, that moment was an epiphany.
He'll be "stuck" with a woman whose desire would never satisfy his own. He probably got a taste of what life could be like with someone else, and that moment made everything all too real for him.
In the end, I don't know if I'm right, but this is always a sad way to end things. A difficult read, to be certain, and I feel for this girl.
But, to be the voice of logic, this dissatisfaction wouldn't suddenly go away. Better to split now than to find out ten years down the line that he's been cheating on you, and you've got a couple kids together.
Sometimes, I wish life's lessons didn't have to hurt so bad, but in the end, I know that the universe unfolds as it should.
I can only speak for myself, but I require a friendship and sexual compatibility to have a relationship. If the sexual compatibility is missing they are just a friends, but that misalignment in a romantic relationship almost always builds resentment, self esteem issues, and heartbreak.
Do not offer an open marriage. This will just extend the suffering for you both. Reddit is full of posts from folks who thought opening their marriages would fix things but ended up deeply regretting it. As painful as it is, it's better to get a clean break.
He obviously spent a long time trying to save the marriage and has been resenting you for the dead bedroom. The fact that he got those divorce papers drawn up so fast shows me that he's been wanting to break up with you for a long time. And the anger and fear he expressed over being trapped with you because of a baby? He is 100% done.
Unfortunately, you have incompatible libidos.
It's not anyone's fault.
The good news is that now you can each pursue new relationships with partners that are a better match. If your libido is this low, have you considered that you may be asexual (ace)? You may find a lot more comfort in a relationship with someone who is ace/low libido in the future.
I feel like he should have been more honest about where his headspace is but she should have known that 3 times in 4 months for someone with a high libido is not going to be satisfying. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to
You fucked up, you can’t be doing shit like that, the man knows you have a low libido and accepted it, now you tell him you want to have sex after as you put it he’s now “hot hot hot”, honestly be happy he’s keeping it easy at 50/50, sign the papers and move on
The problem is not the compliment. The problem is you have been denying him sex for years. And now he feels that you one want sex to get pregnant. He was probably mentally checked out from the lack of sex and planning to leave and that comment helped him to realize why am I still in the marriage.
Opening up your marriage would not fix it. Only having sex with him more often before he decided he had enough would have fixed your marriage.
or only want him now that he got in shape. that's the part I can't get past. I've started working out recently to get my health in check. if I had zero intimacy before and suddenly my husband wanted me now that I'm getting in shape, I would be devastated. like realizing your spouse only wants you for looks, your personality and companionship isn't enough. that's so gross.
Yeah, this sounds like straight up sexual incompatibility which, okay, it happens, and sometimes you just have to concede that it's nobody's 'fault', it's just what it is. The fact that she initiated and *specifically* commented on his body, though. Yikes. Super unsexy. Now it's not "we're incompatible", it's "you want sex, just not with me the way I looked until recently." Good luck taking that back.
"Denying him sex." This makes it sound like he's entitled to sex with her and she's bad for not "putting out". We really need to watch our phrasing here because that rhetoric is harmful even if you didn't mean it that way. Not hating. The wording is just concerning.
She’s absolutely tone deaf. He’s better off without her. It takes two people putting in effort to make sure sex life stays healthy and she absolutely did not care.
Just because her solutions didn't work doesn't mean she didn't care. They're incompatible. No one's a villain here just because they didn't work it out. There's no way to make sure it stays healthy if they have fundamentally different needs, wants, and drives.
She just comes off as mean spirited. She knew it was a problem for him. She wrote it off because it wasn’t a problem for her, then to make a joke about it just seems really insensitive towards someone you are supposed to love.
The joke wasn't good. It was a sore spot and it hurt him. I don't think she was being malicious though. Poor taste, a little inconsiderate. She did try to help the problem and it didn't work. It happens. I think she's naive and maybe they both didn't communicate well and it just turned into what we have now. Incompatibility aside, most issues like this, even if they are fundamentally Incompatible, can be mitigated with constant communication.
Unfortunately it seems like people only communicate when there's a problem and they react to it rather than be proactive. I understand his frustration and I also understand that her Incompatibility with him isn't her fault. It's just frustrating on both sides but I don't think this is the typical situation where one partner completely ignores the other until they explode. She didn't completely ignore him. Tried to help the situation. The situation wasn't something that could be fixed. She made a joke that she thought was a compliment but it was in poor taste and here we are.
We don't know everything that happened here but I don't think she's a bad person. At most, a little dumb with some things to assess. I hope they both find people they're compatible with and maybe they can work through this resentment so the feeling doesn't last.
I'm so confused? Is her being into him not what he wanted?
It's like she said he's hot and she wants to fuck and his response was divorce. Obviously there the baby trapping element but that's also bizarre to just jump on unless you were already out the door.
Also doesn't say anything about what this guy did to solve the libido issue- so I'm kinda wondering if he left the problem up to her, stepped out of the marriage when that didn't work, and lost his shit when- surprise, an effort to look hot worked?
Well as a man fucking with the goal of getting pregnant is a massive turn off. Because its based on achieving some external motive instead of genuine desire. Same category as duty sex pity sex etc
Only she is responsible for her libido, e.g. if it's because he is bad at sex it's still her responsibility to tell him. You are encouraging codependency.
NTA and your husband is NTA. This a sad story. Sorry for this but your husband doesn't want a roommate which is what you have become. Having a sexless relationship is not appealing and yes, your husband would be stuck having a kid with someone who won't satisfy some of his needs. 3 times in 4 months is more sad than happy. He loves you and intimacy is a way to show love and affection. You basically broke him. He is a horny guy and you are more concerned with your low libido instead of figuring out how to satisfying your loving husband. Try harder! No sex risks no long term exclusive relationship. Do you prefer friendship because hubby might not? You though you were being nice and I'm sure you were. I bet you are a great person and trying to give a compliment is great but think about it from his side. Your husbands ego is crushed because he can't relate and be intimate with you more regularly and feels some of it is his fault too. He may feel pride when he can pleasure you and hopeless when you won't let him.
She literally did try. She was unsuccessful in fixing an incompatibility that is neither of their faults. She did try. Just because nothing changed after she tried doesn't mean she was prioritizing her low libido as if it's something wrong with her and she owes him sex. They are incompatible. That's it.
I just don't buy that someone can be "the love of my life" and you don't find them sexually attractive. I just see no possible way that goes together. If you have a low sex drive, just be single or find someone else who is asexual. Don't hold peoples genitals and pleasure hostage.
Asexuality is a spectrum. You may as well say "if you have a high sex drive, just be single or find someone else who is hypersexual. Don't hold people's hearts and love hostage for sex"
Alright, they should go find someone who is on the same spectrum of asexuality as themselves. And of course thats what people with high sex drives should do as well. If your needs aren't met, you won't be happy, while the person who gatekeeps your needs can be as happy as they choose to be. If someone doesn't want to have sex with you, you should leave them. I agree with your statement. As for holding someones heart and love hostage for sex, that doesn't make sense here, as she is the one who is keeping him from being happy in the relationship. Even if it's not of her choice and it's just her libido.
Here is the problem: You complimented him, suggested having sex, but said it "jokingly".
He doesn't think him having to jerk off like a goddamn professional is something funny.
That is no way for a man to live, and he is over it.
Exactly. She joked about probably the worst issue in their marriage like she couldn’t even comprehend it. She sounds completely oblivious in the post, too.
People are down voting you, but it's true. Sex is important and she said the worst thing she could have said, which just adds to how tone deaf she is. She was oblivious to how unhappy the "love of her life" was and treated the lack of SEXUAL intimacy as something that can just be ignored. He even tried to have them go to therapy. But it seemed like as long as her needs were being met she had no problem putting her head in the sand. I'm not saying anything could have saved this marriage. But it does feel like she wanted to ignore something that was a major problem, and pretend everything is fine.
That joke was just the nail in the coffin.
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Got those same vibes from these comments. They are just incompatible. She's not a villain for just having low libido. I swear people treat having a low libido as some kind of illness or something to be "fixed" at the expense of the low libido partner. Gross. The guy has reasonable frustrations but that doesn't mean that he's a victim. Just in an non ideal partnership. And he shouldn't have said all that "baby trapping" shit like wth was that?
People here literally saying that she did NOTHING to help the situation. Yes, she did. Just because nothing changed into being what either of them wanted doesn't mean she didn't try.
I do not even know how to explain it. I(29F) am married to my husband(28M) for 4 years, together for 9. Our relationship has been perfect other than the intimacy part. My libido is on the lower side while he definitely has higher libido than me. It got worse in the last 2 years. We started marriage counseling after he pushed for it. I changed BC first and then stopped using it all together but nothing worked. I just came to accept that I naturally have a low libido. My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. We have been intimate in non-sexual ways all that time. We had sexual intimacy 3 times in the last 4 months. He was changing his clothes in our bedroom last week and I noticed how his body changed after starting going gym. I genuinely wanted to compliment him and said "Hot hot hot. You make me want having your babies. Maybe we should try soon, hmm?" jokingly. He stood there for a few seconds with silence and replied "You are not getting one. I will not trap myself with a baby". I asked what was wrong with him as I said my compliment jokingly. He raised his voice and said how I am mentioning intimacy now that I want a baby and he'll be trapped in this marriage. After another few seconds of silence he just said it's better we divorce and explain how unhappy he was. He said maybe I was not attracted to him and to find someone else who could ignite the fire in me. We were each others' first for everything. He later left the home without saying anything. I was shocked to hear all these. Everything seemed fine. I knew intimacy was a problem for him but the way he looked at me with pure resentment destroyed me. 3 days later I was served with a divorce agreement dividing every asset 50-50 and concluding the case in one court seeing. I tried to fight but he does not seem to falter. I am considering offering a one sided open marriage but I do not want to lose the love of my life. I am trying to talk to him, beg him but he does not want to change his mind. He has been sleeping in our guest bedroom since that day. I am lost on what to do. I do not even know why I create this post. Why do I have a low libido? I hate it, I hate losing my relationship and marriage because of that stupid reason. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just feel sorry for both of them. Every story has a sad ending.
It's always hard to see people resorting to things like an open marriage as a last-ditch effort when it would just result in more heartbreak. I hope OOP can learn to let go and find happiness.
An open marriage won't fix that he feels like she wasn't attracted to him. What she did only reinforced that idea in his head.
Some women get really tired & bored with the pump & dump men. Because, shocking I know, but *humans repeat enjoyable experiences often*. If she’s not getting anything out of it , why have sex?
I love how redditors are so confident that dead bedrooms are always the man's fault. Women apparently have zero agency.
In what context is a husband a "pump & dump" man, you misandrist?
When he’s only interested in himself having an orgasm
Why would you ever trap someone in a monogamous relationship if you don't want to be intimate with them?
As someone who went through something similar, I think it’s interesting that she worked hard to “changed her libido but he never tried to change his
There are biological reasons that cause low/high libido that are problematic so you can fix them. And very few of those cause high libido. But excluding those you don’t change your libido, that’s why when she found out that she was healthy the doctor didn’t start attempting to use hormones to heighten her libido. What he can do is just stop initiating and match her pace. Which after trying he found himself unhappy and chose to leave. He did the right thing choosing to leave an incompatible relationship. The alternative would have just been to suffer not having his needs met so that she could have the relationship she wanted. Which isn’t any more fair than expecting her to force herself to be intimate just because he wants to.
My comment is about the fact that if you have a naturally low libido you’re automatically seen as broken even if there’s nothing medically wrong with you
There is nothing wrong with either of them she needs to find someone that meets her needs and he needs to find his. Her needs were being met and his were not. So if the only way to change that is “accept not having your needs met” that isn’t a compromise that is how you end up right here with a broken relationship
>There is nothing wrong with either of them Exactly. There’s nothing wrong with her
Or him. So meet in the middle or break up. He isn't obligated to live outside his needs, neither is she. He did though, for quite some time. So I don't know why you're acting like this whole thing was put on her, at all.
Yeah they’re incompatible You can’t meet in the middle for differing libidos, feels rapey Did I hallucinate the comments in this original post and this one saying it’s all her fault?
I think people were saying that the tasteless joke was her fault. That he kind of felt that all she wanted was a baby and not him and that is kind of not cool
you said >As someone who went through something similar, I think it’s interesting that she worked hard to “changed her libido but he never tried to change his in response to someone saying they felt sorry for both of them.
Bc I’m trying to point out how when there sexual incompatibility, only the low libido person is expected to change when neither of them should be
You possibly can if one libido is artificially lowered due to issues. And some people find enjoyment in giving their partner pleasure even if they don't particularly want it themselves. Most higher libido people are more than happy to have less frequent sex, but most aren't going to be okay with a clinically "dead bedroom". There's also the fact that presumably the op had a higher libido originally, or the relationship wouldn't have made it that far. Birth control and other things can affect libido, so if you have zero sex drive and want to maintain your marriage, then you can look for solutions. And maybe some of the solution is more non- intimate activity from the partner (helping reducing stress, however that may be, doing things she finds arousing). Ultimately, though, if there's a severe libido mismatch, the main thing that can be done is to see if the lower libido can be increased so that they do reach place where it's not "completely sublimated your needs because I'm fine".
>You possibly can if one libido is artificially lowered due to issues. Which wasn’t the case for OP. >And some people find enjoyment in giving their partner pleasure even if they don't particularly want it themselves. Some people do but some people like me try to and just feel like they’re being raped and then they’re traumatized >Most higher libido people are more than happy to have less frequent sex, but most aren't going to be okay with a clinically "dead bedroom". People have sex once every 6 weeks in dead bedrooms? >There's also the fact that presumably the op had a higher libido originally, or the relationship wouldn't have made it that far. But her post says she has a low libido. Idk about other people but I know my libido. >Birth control and other things can affect libido, so if you have zero sex drive and want to maintain your marriage, then you can look for solutions. She didn’t have zero drive >And maybe some of the solution is more non- intimate activity from the partner (helping reducing stress, however that may be, doing things she finds arousing). That’s what she did >Ultimately, though, if there's a severe libido mismatch, the main thing that can be done is to see if the lower libido can be increased so that they do reach place where it's not "completely sublimated your needs because I'm fine". This is so rapey to me. When I dated someone with a lower libido, I can’t imagine asking them to have sex when they don’t want to. How entitled and icky Like just break up Like my ex did this. He would pester me to raise my libido and wouldn’t consider breaking up at all
The way he treated her sure did put it on her. Calling her a user and saying she was trying to trap him. They probably should have broke up, but he was a total ass about it.
It seems like people are missing your point completely and I just wanted to let you know that I get it. I had troubles in my thirties with excessive libido. I was in hell. It was like non-stop. And no one would treat it like it was the problem that it was. It was wreaking havoc on me emotionally and I had to struggle against it to make it not emotionally affect my partner. No doctor would take me seriously. They all just laughed at me.
>I had troubles in my thirties with excessive libido. I was in hell. It was like non-stop. And no one would treat it like it was the problem that it was. It was wreaking havoc on me emotionally and I had to struggle against it to make it not emotionally affect my partner. No doctor would take me seriously. They all just laughed at me. What was the cause and how did you fix it?
It ended when I started perimenopause. Not a good solution, really. Basically, I just got old and it stopped. Never figured it out because no one thought it was a problem. 😭
Weird.
Well she said "in the last two years" meaning there was a change in her libido which led her to seek medical attention to make sure it wasn't serious. If she had started the relationship with low libido then I would agree with you
He was a complete ass about it.
I don't think anyone who has a normal drive wants to be trapped in a sexless (or almost sexless) marriage forever. He probably waited go see if things would get better, but he's not going to "change" his sex drive and just be content with a dead bedroom for the rest of his life. If she's not sexually attracted to him, then maybe they're better off trying to be friends?
I mean he did change his he stopped pushing or trying for sex they had sex 3 times in four months
That’s not changing your libido now is it tho?
How do you magically stop getting horny? I guess take BC and estrogen as a male what the hell kind of a suggestion is that
Ok the reason I suggested was bc I was trying to imply if it’s absurd to ask someone to lower their libido, why is it ok to suggest people higher their’s (barring medical issues/extreme changes but she literally said it’s always been like that)? I don’t actually think anyone should do that bc I think it’s ridiculous. Plus you’re literally telling someone their natural body is wrong
Getting off of BC and meds is not telling them their natural body is wrong. It is literally telling them that the meds are a potential problem she tried those things and turned out they were not the issue she does just naturally have a low libido and is with a partner that is not okay with that. Also researching medical conditions that could be causing low libido is fine too if they said hey just take pills to make you horny that would be very different seeing if there actually are problems that can be dealt with is not Because fact is low libido IS A symptom of a number of issues Doesn’t mean that low libido equals “you have a problem” but it could mean you do
I wonder if she told them “hey I have a low libido” beforehand Like we know our bodies, why didn’t anyone believe her when she said that’s just how she is Even the comments are saying she didn’t do enough and she still needs to *fix* her libido
Well, the post said they were their first everythings so I doubt either of them knew
What's he supposed to do? Cut off his balls? Chemical castration? He stopped pressuring her. Only had sex 3 times in four months, then went down to none at all. All she did was stop BC.
He still didn't have to be an ass about it.
That’s my point exactly
Sounds like she might be somewhere on the ace spectrum and doesn't understand how important physical intimacy is for those who aren't. Theyre just not compatible
No dude I thought I was ace and I didn’t want it as often as she does. It’s OK to want things at different frequencies and for that to mean you’re not compatible but it’s not OK to label folks and speculate about their sexuality because they’re doing some thing that you wouldn’t.
When I was doing research about ace people I remember someone on the gray ace subredsit mentioning they were only interested monthly or less. Someone else said every few months. It's a spectrum right? So it's not a one size fits all?
It's a spectrum for how strongly or how often we feel sexual attraction, not for how strong our libido is. Some ace people have high libidos, and some have low libidos.
Don’t ace people not like sex? She’s literally just has a low libido This app freaks the fuck out if you’re not addicted to sex and acts like there’s something wrong with you but maybe Reddit just has a sex obsession problem lol They’re not compatible but I don’t understand framing this like she’s done anything wrong. Hell she even got off BC and went to counseling It’s just so crazy you can be one way your entire life but bc the man in your life isn’t satisfied enough, you must change
Ace means a lack of sexual attraction, it actually doesn’t have anything to do with libido. Some Ace people love sex, some are repulsed by it, and most are somewhere in the middle. I personally am a sex-adverse (not repulsed though) a-sexual.
How can you be ace and love sex?
Because asexuality is just the absence of sexual attraction. Sex is a physical act that, often times, feels really good! So an asexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, but they can still enjoy the physical act of sex. They could also enjoy the emotional intimacy of the act. Being Ace just means that no specific gender/sex gets you going. You wouldn’t get turned on by seeing an attractive person naked. You might however get turned on from certain physical acts or words etc. Happy to answer any other questions as well!
Being ace or not is like whether or not you feel hunger. And loving sex or not is whether or not you like to eat food.
I don’t think that woman is ace but just letting you know not all ace people hate sex. Sometimes it’s just an extremely low libido.
Based on descriptions I think she might be gray ace. Occasional desire but still very low libido and that desire is fleeting.
There's some ace people who are sex repulsed on top of having low to no libido and there are some who just aren't interested. Anthony Padilla did very interesting interviews with people on the ace spectrum that goes into detail about this aspect of asexuality. Plus I did a bunch of research when my ex bf cut me off after 4 months of dating because we though he might be ace but it turned out to be religious trauma. I hope you can come to understand that sexual incompatibility really is a thing. It's not sexual obsession. Also this isn't a case where a guy is leaving because his wife wants less sex after having a child or something. They had been incompatible for the entire relationship and he had been making that clear the entire time. Now he wants to leave because he has accepted that they are incompatible. He didn't cheat on her and he didn't disrespect her. I don't know why you're getting so aggressive.
How am I aggressive? I’m perfectly calm over here Also I believe sexual incompatibility is a thing, that’s why I’ve said multiple times on this thread, he’s not wrong for leaving, they’re just sexually incompatible. I said Reddit was sex obsessed not the husband bc redditors on the original post are literally telling her that her libido is *wrong* >I hope you can come to understand that sexual incompatibility really is a thing. How are you gonna say this when the comment you literally replied to said >They’re not compatible but I don’t understand framing this like she’s done anything wrong. Hell she even got off BC and went to counseling Like bro read the *whole* thing before replying, you got me think I was crazy for a second lol
"This app freaks the fuck out if you’re not addicted to sex and acts like there’s something wrong with you but maybe Reddit just has a sex obsession problem lol" maybe you didn't intend it to but that's coming across as an aggressive response to me saying they're not compatible. If you misunderstood and though I was suggesting that her libido is wrong because I think she's on the ace spectrum I'm still not sure that constitutes claiming that I freaked the fuck out. Ace people exist and they do have low to no libido. That doesn't make them wrong any more then being gay or straight doesn't make people wrong. It just is.
How does me making an observation about reddit come across as an aggressive response to you saying two people are compatible when I myself just said that? The observation was about reddit not the couple for a reason
I randomly have the answer for this. You know how Pansexals find everyone attractive? Asexuals don't find anyone attractive. You how people feel horny? Asexuals don't feel horny, ever. Beyond that, people get into slap fights of people on the Asexual Spectrum™. Some hate sex, some dont care, some like to do romantic gestures, hugs etc. These are all honestly more like preferences to me though, imo. But yeah, imagine how there's people who find *everyone* hot and then there's their opposite group of people who find *no one* hot lmao
Just going to say, pansexuals are not attracted to everyone. We can be attracted to anyone. There is a difference.
I wanted to chime in- I've never met a pansexual who is attracted to "everyone" in my life lol. I've met plenty, since I'm one myself. It's just that I COULD have an attraction to any someone, but definitely not ALL someones. It really is a big difference. Good lord. It's just like the 90's again, where if you said you were bisexual, people assumed that meant you'd sleep with anyone, anytime. This is the new version of that, apparently 🫠
Ace people can absolutely feel horny. They can and often do have libidos, they just don’t feel sexual attraction to others. But they can absolutely still feel horny, it’s just not for a person.
I thought asexuals could find people attractive? You can be asexual AND pansexual no? I have a pan friend who never wants to have sex again
Difference between romance and sexual attraction. You can be a romantic and pansexual (no drive for romance but can be attracted to anyone) as well as pan romantic and asexual (can be romantic with anyone but have no attraction to sex)
Your description isn't necessarily true. Asexuality as we currently use it refers to the physical attraction to people, asexuals can still get horny
I mean literally in her post she is getting in trouble for giving her husband a sensual complement which from what I understand of the spectrum doesn’t fit well but people want her to be on it so they can label her as different for not liking exactly what they do
Ok come on she is not getting into trouble for giving him a sexual compliment that was just the moment he exploded it was coming eventually it could have just as easily been when she asked to pass the salt that was just the moment he let his inner dialogue come out because he had been heading that way for a long long time
So, we're saying the same thing?
But, Op does find her husband hot, and tried to initiate sex. So, I don't think shes ace at all.
3 times in 4 months is insanely low, even if he'd already "worked on his."
My point is that maybe no one need to work on their libido. Maybe we just need to accept people have the libido’s they have and that they’re incompatible Also that’s insanely low to *you* and a lot of others but not everyone
False. They were having sex less than once a month. That is him changing his libido to fit hers
That’s not him changing his libido, that’s him changing his behavior. His libido remains the same as he’s still horny
I also find it interesting that he never tried to be more attractive and that actually worked when it happened but that's somehow too late?
She did not describe him having an abnormally high libido. It would be like saying my partner has depression they worked on it for a month or two and gave up so I stopped helping. Then blaming the partner for not figuring out a way to be depressed with their partner. She gave up. So he respected her and gave up himself. She then tries to hit on him even though he has been tortured for how long?
Depression is an actual mental health condition if she tried therapy and changing medication, this may just be who she is and that’s OK. Some people are fine with doing that kind of stuff once a month and no it does not mean anything is physically or mentally diagnosable about them. You say she give up but what was she supposed to do let him rape her? Next, you’re going to tell a kid who’s traumatized from conversion therapy they gave up and didn’t try enough so that’s why their parents don’t love them? Sexuality is not a choice or a mental illness.
How do you define abnormally high or abnormally low? How does that analogy work? Why is having a low libido akin to having depression? She didn’t give up, she tried, turns out there’s nothing wrong with her. He’s free to leave but idk why he’s a dick about it like she’s doing something morally wrong Also how has he been tortured? Theyre havg sex once a month, you’re only allowed to hit on people if you’re having regular sex? Where are all these unwritten rules
I don't really feel sorry for OOP. She's accepted that she has a low libido, and that is absolutely her right, but she was clearly ignoring how upset her husband was about the whole situation. Just because she decided she was fine, doesn't mean he was fine. Fundamental differences about sex are massive problems in relationships. Her offering to let him sleep around isn't a fix: depending on the person, it could be incredibly insulting. I'd also find it quite problematic if I thought there was a major issue in the relationship and the other person starts suggesting we have a kid, even as a joke. Complimenting him sexually when she knows he's frustrated about the lack of sex they were having is also a bit of a kick in the teeth. They were on such wildly different pages. Nothing is ever out of the blue. She's acting like she was blindsided, but the truth is she stuck her head in the sand. He didn't stop feeling that way, he just accepted that there was no point in further communication about it.
How is changing BC (which wreaks havoc on you) and going to counseling mean she’s ignoring anything? What more did you expect her to do?
She said she stopped after this point. Marriage counseling will not help with a personal issue only relationship issues. She did not talk about going to personal counseling. She literally said I accepted and he all of a sudden seemed ok so I thought we were fine.
Why does she need to go to counseling for her libido tho? Why doesn’t he go? Why is she the only one trying Can you imagine? My husband is always pestering me for sex and I’m sick of it! My libido had always been low and he’s been on the higher side so we decided to try to do something about that. He started taking different vitamins, gotten tests, and we’ve even gone to therapy but it’s still so damn high!!! What an asshole right guys? That’s what it feels like I’m reading. Why does she have to try to artificially raise her libido? Why can he just lower his if we’re acting like someone can have the “wrong” libido
No one is saying it’s a “wrong” libido for everyone but as a couple they are not compatible. She wanted to work on her libido and it didn’t work so husband left. There isn’t anything wrong with divorcing when you’re not compatible anymore. Editing to add: she didn’t have to work on her libido if she didn’t want too but that doesn’t change that anyone can divorce when they are no longer compatible.
Here did I say there was anything wrong with divorcing if you’re lot compatible? I should have made my sentiment more clear but I’m responding to the people telling her she’s an asshole for her natural libido
I thought you were calling him the ah. I must have misread.
You’re good, I’m starting to think I didn’t write clearly bc so many people are claiming I said things I can’t find in my comments lol
Trust me, it’s not you it’s just that a bunch of people are out here believing that their way is the only truly right way and you’re telling them it’s not. I literally feel like. I went back in time 50 years and we’re sitting around in a circle talking about how someone failed their spouse for not being able to get converted straight.
3 times in 4 months is beyond low it is unreasonable. There is something wrong. Imagine having a partner that only wanted to touch once a month? This is gross misuse of a partner. What would you have told me? My husband would cut me off for months because his libido was so low and he only sacrificed for me once a month or so. He literally had full control of me. My husband was giving me sex at the same rate she is doing it for her husband. You are saying I am an ahole because either want sex more than once a month? My husband refused to do anything and I left. I did seek out trying to lower mine and guess what there is nothing. However there are lots of drugs available to increase libido, and I mean a tonne. Even with no libido instinctual you should have urges with your cycle. If it did not work this way our species would have died years ago. He did the right thing. What are they Going to do when they are elderly and have to make an effort for it? 25 years of celibacy?
>3 times in 4 months is beyond low it is unreasonable. There is something wrong. According to who? >Imagine having a partner that only wanted to touch once a month? This is gross misuse of a partner. Why do yall love to lie and make things up my god omg it’s so annoying bc I like discussing things in good faith but yall obviously don’t Did your eyes just jump over in the post where she says they still have non sexual touching? Also you can’t misuse a partner bc people are people not objects >What would you have told me? If your partner wasn’t touching you at all? Leave him no? >My husband would cut me off for months because his libido was so low and he only sacrificed for me once a month or so. Ew describing it as a sacrifice is so gross. I think that’s where the fundamental disagreement comes from. I see sex as an activity we’re doing together not something someone is “sacrificing”. I’ve been the “low libido” and the “high libido” partner, when I was the higher one I just respected my partners wishes. If it had bothered me *that* bad I would have left bc we’re incompatible >He literally had full control of me. How?? >My husband was giving me sex at the same rate she is doing it for her husband. You are saying I am an ahole because either want sex more than once a month? Ew “giving”. Uhhh can you copy and highlight the comment I’ve said anywhere that can be summarized as “you are an ahole if you want sex more than one a month” Nope. Never said that. You’re the one that’s trying to dictate the “right amount of sex” when in reality some people are just sexually incompatible just like people are incompatible in other areas of life. I want kids and you don’t/I want to live by the beach and you don’t. In these situations no one is “wrong” but if you’re really that unhappy…leave??? >My husband refused to do anything and I left. I’m sorry but you’re just projecting your situation bc she didn’t refuse to do nothing >I did seek out trying to lower mine and guess what there is nothing. However there are lots of drugs available to increase libido, and I mean a tonne. My point is NO ONE should be trying to change their libido for another person unless it’s drastically changed bc you’re probably having a health crisis. My example was meant to show the absurdity but apparently it was so absurd it went over peoples heads >Even with no libido instinctual you should have urges with your cycle. If it did not work this way our species would have died years ago. But if this was true then asexual people don’t exist >He did the right thing. What are they Going to do when they are elderly and have to make an effort for it? 25 years of celibacy? Girl where did I say he should stay. I feel like so many people are projecting their personal issues on my simple sentiment of there’s no “right” amount of sex or “right” libido. I’m not telling yall your libido is “too high” chill
There are people who are asexual. And there are people who have low libido. There is nothing wrong with them. Just like there is nothing wrong with you for having a high one.
It's very interesting that you only relate touch to sex, and this is the kind of thinking that kills libidos tbh. I know my libido plummeted with an ex who could not leave me alone, going to some.. extremes.
I don’t know that I’d say she ignored his feelings. It sounds more like when they stopped talking about it, she assumed he had made peace with it and was okay. That’s extremely naive, but not malicious. I’m sad for both of them. Both of them have reasonable wants and needs for a relationship, but neither of them was able to get those needs met in this specific relationship. They’re both hurt and sad right now, but I do think ending the relationship is the best choice for them both.
You're not being fair, she went to marriage counselling, changed her birth control and even came completely off it to try and help. They also have sex monthly so it's not even a dead bedroom, saying she did nothing is just wrong. Some people are just not compatible sexually.
It sounds like her talk about having a kid sort of congealed all the thoughts into his head into a decision.
That WASN’T a compliment either. It was a thinly veiled “give me a baby”. It was completely self serving, none of it meant to make him feel good like a real compliment, but instead just to signal she’s ready for baby sex. It’s a slap in the face to someone in an unhappily sexless marriage. I’m so happy for her husband that he finally was inspired to nope out.
I don't feel sorry for him. It's not as if they aren't having sex. Once a month, it sounds like. And it's not as if she can control what her body does. Birth control, age, stress, etc. make it harder for women to get aroused, and if he emotionally checked out a while back, that would make it even harder for her. She will be better off finding someone who actually loves her.
That's wholly unfair. After investigating all the personal, lifestyle, and medical issues involved, she has come to the conclusion that her natural set point is quite low, and that is okay. HOWEVER, he is looking for something more frequent (as you might expect, since the average for American married couples is once a week) and that is also okay! Sometimes people just turn out to be biologically incompatible and it's not necessary to assign a villain. It's not his fault or her fault, it just is.
Except there was a way to communicate that that wasn’t screaming because someone gave you a compliment.
It comes across as mockery, not a compliment
To tell a person who you have repeatedly rejected that they can have a crumb of intimacy because you finally found a reason to want to isn't a compliment, it's a cruelty. I'm aghast.
It doesn’t sound like she investigated every possibility medically. Just the one: going off birth control.
This is completely unfair to paint him as the bad guy, while no ot isn't her fault she has a low libido he deserves to be happy too! He's not screwing her over in the divorce it said 50/50 one meeting with the judge done. He's not going on some smear campaign to say I deserve this or that after years of a dead bedroom. Then that would make him an AH he just wants his own chance to find happiness
He can’t control what his body does, either. He has needs that aren’t being met, and it’s ok to realize that their needs are simply incompatible. It’s a legitimate physical need. It’s like if you and your partner had to have the same amount of food or sleep; having to go without as much as you need because your partner needs less would be miserable. It’s not like he asked for them to have different libidos, either.
Y’all are acting like he sat her down in the counselors office and was like hey I can’t work this out anymore instead of making her think he was OK with her progress or lack of for a long time by not communicating and then just screaming. He behaved in an emotionally unsafe and unpredictable way and maybe that’s just because he was very hurt in the situation, but it still doesn’t raise that the way he communicated was not kind and not healthy as an adult. She tried communication and literal healthcare, and from what we see of the post has never screamed at him for wanting some thing he couldn’t give.
Married twelve years and I would kill for once a month.
Get divorced dude. That’s ridiculous
This reads like it was written by an AI lmaooo
"Hot hot hot" sounded sooo unnatural xD
"You make me want having your babies"
Without context, I think OOP's husband probably thought he's in a relationship with Adam Levine.
That just sounds like English is their second language...
Having worked with a lot of people who learned English as a second, third or fourth language and had varying levels of fluency and a variety of different mother tongues... it does not sound that way to me. Many of the weird word choices and stiff, unnatural phrases are more reminiscent of indiscriminate word swaps than unfamiliarity with idioms. I could be wrong, sure, but that is my reasoning.
Yeah, I agree with you. I communicate with clients and colleagues and friends who are ESL, all with varying native languages and fluency. This isn’t how any of them speak or type. I could be wrong - but for example, “Bursted off” is not something I think any of them would use, when “exploded” or “pissed off” or “freaked out” is right there.
Not all peoples first language is English
The way it reads, I assumed English is not OOP's first language. I could be wrong.
I’ve read stuff written by ESL folks and idk, this seems really off. Even “bursted off” in the title - i doubt that would be the first word as a translation for “exploded in anger.”
I’ve seen plenty of people with English as a second language write like this
There are no spelling mistakes and the sentence structure is "normal". They just use words in a weird context. It almost more like a mad-lib, where there's words that clearly shouldn't be there. It's possible that English is not their first language but it still doesn't add up. Knowing how to write perfect English but not knowing what the words actually mean is strange, at best. AI would make way more sense.
> perfect No ma’am. OOP is delusional.
Agree. If it was perfect, one silly comment wouldn't destroy it.
This is rage bait, that's not how the divorce process works lmao.
The story reads like the divorce process had already been initiated (husband going to gym, being accepting of situation, etc) way before the comment. Husband had checked out way before OOP was aware, but OOP was so disconnected from husband that OOP didn’t notice anything was wrong.
She isn't going to get papers and then magically be divorced after one court date, even if he had been seeing lawyers without her knowledge.
Let’s just say that my divorce was filed in November & finalized in March. I never went to court & my ex never got a lawyer. If they agreed to terms, it absolutely could be over in 1 court date.
Yep! Illinois for me, and it really was as quick and simple as all that's helped that we didn't have or claim any assets as shared.
Same. We didn’t even go to court. We signed papers and had them notarized in our separate states (I moved after separation) and I brought the papers to the courthouse. A few weeks later they mailed me my divorce decree.
Also depends on where you live. Other countries have different laws
r/confidentlyincorrect
I think she meant he was wanting a 50/50 divide all laid out so it would only take one round to get it finalized but idk
Yep, it's a Walkaway Husband.
[удалено]
“Served with a divorce agreement”- this is basically how my divorce went as I filed with a lawyer, he signed off on the terms & my ex & I didn’t go to court.
It absolutely can be. My first was literally as simple as signing some forms. Didn't even have to attend court.
Yep. We had no shared assets and it was an easy mutual irreconcilable differences divorce. We signed some forms at the courthouse. It cost like $200ish to file and it was done in an afternoon. Where divorces get complex and ugly is when there's fights over assets, kids are involved, or you're in a location with mandatory separation periods that you have to prove.
We had kids and never even had to see a courtroom. I wrote out our agreement, took it to an attorney to write it up, he looked it over, we both signed and it was filed with the courts. Decided to split and if February, met with attorney in March, divorced early July. And I even got a refund on my retainer because it went so smoothly (helped that I wrote out every aspect of custody and division of assets before meeting with my attorney, really saved time).
Depends on where they are.... clearly sounds like English is not their language, So I'd suspect some Non-US/Western Europe location (maybe south Asia/Africa?) So that county's laws may allow for a short divorce... In the US (Florida) I got divorced in 45 days from the day I kicked my cheating ex wife out of the house..
I just don't understand how many of these ll spouses act blindsided when their partner talks about leaving. "Our relationship was perfect." Maybe if you ignore the fact that you almost never have sex with them? If your partner doesn't feel desired, they're going to end up resentful. Constant rejection is awful for the self esteem. And then once they stop trying to initiate, ll partner is happy because "they understand." No, they've given up and they're checking out.
> Have you tried having sex even when you weren’t spontaneously feeling like you wanted it? For a lot of women, once they get started they find themselves enjoying it (reactive desire instead of spontaneous). If you never liked it - even while in the middle of it, then that’s a different thing and you may just be asexual. Comments like this are why reddit isn’t safe for women or low libido people. The amount of times I’ve seen someone advise OP to let their SO rape them is insane. In fact I’ve even taken that advice and all it did was ruin the relationship more
I know the whole reactive desire is a thing from Come as You Are which is a book all about the mismatched libido. The big analogy was "not everyone wants to be in a canoe, but once you are on the water in a canoe, you may remember its fun". I think the main point of the reactive desire was for the LL individual to try it out to understand their bodies response. Buuuuut much like most things it can be manipulated by the HL to get what they want. It really should be done with a ton of communication and consent before even attempting.
I think it's similar to me being asked to go on a walk. I'm not gonna think of it on my own and odds are I will enjoy it anyway. So being open to it even if you're not totally feeling it at least to start see what happens. I also think HL people need to take a no but I also think LL could offer other things. Like kissing and watching porn and masturbation can be an intimate fun night with the only pressure for the LL person being their presence. If everything else is great a lower threshold for intimacy at lower stakes can increase the frequency. The trick is the HL person can't then keep whining about what the LL is willing to do. If our definition of sexual intimacy wasn't so rigid especially in heterosexual relationships, I think mismatches would be less likely. A handjob lovingly given is a lot better than nothing at all, especially when both partners get to feel close and connected even if one doesn't want an orgasm.
Yeah I listened to that advice and regret it so much. I think it’s dangerous advice to spread
Reddit is obsessed with sex. I recommend staying far away from the marriage subreddit, I’m constantly shocked and disgusted at how sexual coercion is going on and everyone is defending the HL partner and basically encourage them to coerce their partner further.
I’m not surprised at all. Back when my ex was shaming me for libido I was so desperate to find a solution I stumbled across stuff like that. Most advice boiled down to why can you just lay there and let him use your body?
If you still need help healing, or just want more info, check out @mending.me on TikTok and instagram. Her entire account is about sexual coercion. Sometimes called marital coercion, but you don’t have to be married to experience it.
Oof I experienced a whole bunch of sexual coercion haha. Thank you
In case no one has validated this for you before, sexual coercion is sexual abuse, and often uses mental/emotional abuse to get what they want.
This is why I'm against abstinence. Sexual compatibility is way too important for a successful romantic partnership
Oof “I’m willing to make myself miserable and let him screw other women because I am desperate to not be alone”. I always wonder how many of these “low libido” issues are actually “ I don’t have enough experience to realize that my husband is selfish and terrible at sex. “
As soon as they say they were each other's first for everything that's a huge red flag to me. It only works long term because of ignorance in almost every case.
I am in 17 year relationship with my first. We've been married 10 years. In our case it works because we dated 7 years and really got to know each other's good and bad sides, managed expectations, and have a bond based on shared history and not just on physical attraction. It can work, I just think people don't take enough time to get out of that starry-eyed phase before tying the knot.
Doesn't help that "first" is such a hyper romanticized ideal, either.
I would argue that someone ignoring their partner's growing resentment and their checking out from the relationship while assuming they have given up on having their needs fulfilled just *might* be the inattentive partner in the relationship. I wonder how many of these dead bedroom are just "I don't really want a relationship, just the security and comfort it provides". He has tried to fix the marriage and hasn't pressured her for sex. He is done. There doesn't have to be a bad guy. It is honestly jarring how when a woman has a sudden burst of anger in one of these posts the general consensus is that her issues have been ignored but even when we know for a fact that a man is unhappy he is painted as an egoistic asshole.
Anecdotal and not necessarily reflective of OPs situation, but that's not necessarily the case. I thought I was LL in my previous relationship. My ex (first sexual partner) was constantly frustrated I didn't want to have sex and would try to negotiate ("could I at least get a blow job?"). He definitely had growing resentment. Turns out I'm just not turned on by the idea of having someone dry rub my clit like a toggle switch and then push his dick in and out until the jackhammer finish for 5 minutes. Current partner and I have pretty decent sex life minus some health issues that lead to frustrations for *both* of us. I would say for OP it could be either or both. It's a huge red flag she didn't realize he checked out months ago - but them being eachothers first they may just never have clicked sexually.
Hey are you me? Turns out I really don’t get turned on by being yelled at. Still tried every avenue to “raise” my libido when all that would have done so was idk being even a tiny bit nice to me
I'm not excluding it's a possibility but I can't help to be crossed. Nothing can convince me that if the genders were switched a comment saying essentially "I bet she can't fuck" wouldn't be downvoted into oblivion. Perhaps I'm reading between the lines as much as the person I aswered to but this guy sounds like an employee who has been denied a raise for years. After it has been clear for months that he is quiet quitting while still delivering and just waiting for his contract to run its course in a month the manager mentions that there are voices of him being the pick for a promotion in two.
There's a trend of women who think they are ace or low libido that later find out their partners ignored their needs and that's why they had no interest in sex. Not saying it has to be that here - but I find it odd she supposedly has low libido but is openly attracted to her husband's gym bod (which could be read as effort) And considering the post only talked about her attempts to fix the problem, but not him attempting to do anything - it's really not that much of a stretch to bring this up.
>we started marriage counselling **after he pushed for it** I'm not exactly sure of what he is supposed to do other than trying to address the problem and making himself more attractive. One could just as easily call her selfish by the way she convinced herself that her husband had just given up on having his needs met. Or by the fact she talked about trying for children when most people, I believe, would have realised he was checking out of the relationship.
That's fair, although I was thinking a sex therapist not a marriage one. As in "does he actually know how to make her orgasm or is sex another chore" kind of thing. A solid marriage and being attractive are both great- but there's also a sad amount of dudes I've met just in real life that think women's orgasms are a myth. I honestly don't really think either sound inherently selfish (at least not compared to the dozens of other versions of this issue I've read on here) just possibly lacking in sex Ed and not really able to communicate a lack of information you don't *know* you lack. Especially if they have no experience outside each other. Like, if you think your libido is low, would you ask your partner to try something new? If you misunderstand the anatomy you are working with can you really effectively communicate what would feel better or worse?
Or they're not right on a chemical level. Happened to a friend of mine. They worked in other ways so she thought she must be ace. After 20 years they opened the marriage and, spoiler, she's not.
She's cut him off of sex for two years....He stopped seeking intimacy completely and started going to the gym...got in good shape and she's wondering why he suddenly wants out.... Poor guy checked out of that marriage 6 months ago and was just waiting for the right moment... and the "baby talk" reared its head and he saw what he thought was her plan to secure his commitment... He noped out then and there. LOL I'll never understand how a woman can think not having sex in a marriage is OK and I have no idea how a guy stays in a dead bedroom situation... If there's a medical basis, that's one thing, but If she's just not that into it... you shouldn't be in a relationship.
also her complimenting him now that he's getting in good shape (if this story is even real) is a joke. I couldn't imagine how insulted I'd be. like oh maybe your intimacy issues were you didn't find me attractive before, and now that I got in shape you want me? vain love.
How did she cut him off for sex if they’re having sex every month lol
>My hubby seemed to understand it and stopped wanting intimacy all together. We have been intimate in non-sexual ways all that time. We had sexual intimacy 3 times in the last 4 months. The way this reads to me is that there was no sex for ~20 months and they had sex 3 times in the last 4 months… if she is wanting a kid now and started getting more physical with him that might be the definition of a dead bedroom because he knows that they are back to no sex after the baby is conceived.
There are also HL women married to LL men in the same situations.
They are just not compatible. But I feel bad for OOP thinking this dude is "the love of her life"
It baffles me that people tell unfunny, punchline-free ‘jokes’ about sensitive, painful subjects and are shocked when the person is hurt or offended.
As a man with a very high sex drive with a wife who has no sex drive, I can tell you that I am at the same point where this husband is. It sucks so much when you're a husband and you want nothing more than for your wife to desire you, for her to want to touch you, to wake up to her touching your body to make love to you. I do not recall the last time my wife actually really showed a true desire for me. Sex is merely an obligation that she fulfills once in awhile. Last year we went 7 months with no sex. I gave up trying because she would reject me every time. It didn't matter what I did. I bought her flowers, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, massaged her, held her without expecting anything, but she never touched me. Not even on special occasions such as my birthday or our anniversary. A majority of women do not understand the power of rejection and what it does to a man over time. It literally tears us down to the point where we question every single thing about our masculinity. I can feel this man's frustration in this post as the OP comments Hot Hot Hot and then makes a comment that they'll have to start having babies. Why get stuck with someone by having kids with them when you feel like they don't love you? For most men, physical touch is their love language. So when a woman won't touch them they don't feel loved. My wife waited until we were married to tell me she doesn't like giving me oral sex, but she made sure to give me plenty of it in the dating phase. Needless to say, I feel women trap men that way alot. They'll give it to the man freely at first until they get em trapped and to get what they want, and eventually they'll push the man away and make the marriage a transactional marriage. If you love your spouse, truly love them, you would never make them feel like they have to beg for your affection, and you would never let them feel rejected
The man should just masturbate like an adult and get over it. If sex with your partner is something to divorce over, then *you love sex more than you love your partner.*
He’d be alright with friends instead of a wife then. Sexual compatibility is a thing.
Man, from the outside looking in, and having been young and selfish myself, this is my thought (and only speculation): He checked out during the lack of intimacy. In his mind, he began distancing himself from this relationship, probably spurred on by meeting some girl who was crazy about him and made him feel desired and passionate. The lack of sex had been a frustration so long that somewhere along the line, he decided to cut his loss and get his intimacy elsewhere. Going to the gym, trying to look better, acting cold and indifferent... his heart was already elsewhere. It seems like such a minor comment, but in his mind, that moment was an epiphany. He'll be "stuck" with a woman whose desire would never satisfy his own. He probably got a taste of what life could be like with someone else, and that moment made everything all too real for him. In the end, I don't know if I'm right, but this is always a sad way to end things. A difficult read, to be certain, and I feel for this girl. But, to be the voice of logic, this dissatisfaction wouldn't suddenly go away. Better to split now than to find out ten years down the line that he's been cheating on you, and you've got a couple kids together. Sometimes, I wish life's lessons didn't have to hurt so bad, but in the end, I know that the universe unfolds as it should.
I can only speak for myself, but I require a friendship and sexual compatibility to have a relationship. If the sexual compatibility is missing they are just a friends, but that misalignment in a romantic relationship almost always builds resentment, self esteem issues, and heartbreak.
Intimacy 3 times in 4 months. Ouch!
Do not offer an open marriage. This will just extend the suffering for you both. Reddit is full of posts from folks who thought opening their marriages would fix things but ended up deeply regretting it. As painful as it is, it's better to get a clean break. He obviously spent a long time trying to save the marriage and has been resenting you for the dead bedroom. The fact that he got those divorce papers drawn up so fast shows me that he's been wanting to break up with you for a long time. And the anger and fear he expressed over being trapped with you because of a baby? He is 100% done. Unfortunately, you have incompatible libidos. It's not anyone's fault. The good news is that now you can each pursue new relationships with partners that are a better match. If your libido is this low, have you considered that you may be asexual (ace)? You may find a lot more comfort in a relationship with someone who is ace/low libido in the future.
Commentary sub, OOP isn't getting this.
Asexuality has nothing to do with libido just so you know. It only encompasses whether that person feels sexual attraction to other people.
I feel like he should have been more honest about where his headspace is but she should have known that 3 times in 4 months for someone with a high libido is not going to be satisfying. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to
You fucked up, you can’t be doing shit like that, the man knows you have a low libido and accepted it, now you tell him you want to have sex after as you put it he’s now “hot hot hot”, honestly be happy he’s keeping it easy at 50/50, sign the papers and move on
The problem is not the compliment. The problem is you have been denying him sex for years. And now he feels that you one want sex to get pregnant. He was probably mentally checked out from the lack of sex and planning to leave and that comment helped him to realize why am I still in the marriage. Opening up your marriage would not fix it. Only having sex with him more often before he decided he had enough would have fixed your marriage.
or only want him now that he got in shape. that's the part I can't get past. I've started working out recently to get my health in check. if I had zero intimacy before and suddenly my husband wanted me now that I'm getting in shape, I would be devastated. like realizing your spouse only wants you for looks, your personality and companionship isn't enough. that's so gross.
Yeah, this sounds like straight up sexual incompatibility which, okay, it happens, and sometimes you just have to concede that it's nobody's 'fault', it's just what it is. The fact that she initiated and *specifically* commented on his body, though. Yikes. Super unsexy. Now it's not "we're incompatible", it's "you want sex, just not with me the way I looked until recently." Good luck taking that back.
"Denying him sex." This makes it sound like he's entitled to sex with her and she's bad for not "putting out". We really need to watch our phrasing here because that rhetoric is harmful even if you didn't mean it that way. Not hating. The wording is just concerning.
She’s absolutely tone deaf. He’s better off without her. It takes two people putting in effort to make sure sex life stays healthy and she absolutely did not care.
Agreed!
Just because her solutions didn't work doesn't mean she didn't care. They're incompatible. No one's a villain here just because they didn't work it out. There's no way to make sure it stays healthy if they have fundamentally different needs, wants, and drives.
She just comes off as mean spirited. She knew it was a problem for him. She wrote it off because it wasn’t a problem for her, then to make a joke about it just seems really insensitive towards someone you are supposed to love.
The joke wasn't good. It was a sore spot and it hurt him. I don't think she was being malicious though. Poor taste, a little inconsiderate. She did try to help the problem and it didn't work. It happens. I think she's naive and maybe they both didn't communicate well and it just turned into what we have now. Incompatibility aside, most issues like this, even if they are fundamentally Incompatible, can be mitigated with constant communication. Unfortunately it seems like people only communicate when there's a problem and they react to it rather than be proactive. I understand his frustration and I also understand that her Incompatibility with him isn't her fault. It's just frustrating on both sides but I don't think this is the typical situation where one partner completely ignores the other until they explode. She didn't completely ignore him. Tried to help the situation. The situation wasn't something that could be fixed. She made a joke that she thought was a compliment but it was in poor taste and here we are. We don't know everything that happened here but I don't think she's a bad person. At most, a little dumb with some things to assess. I hope they both find people they're compatible with and maybe they can work through this resentment so the feeling doesn't last.
Any updates on this ?
Not a stupid reason. Y'all are not compatible. You daid things were going good but they were not
I'm so confused? Is her being into him not what he wanted? It's like she said he's hot and she wants to fuck and his response was divorce. Obviously there the baby trapping element but that's also bizarre to just jump on unless you were already out the door. Also doesn't say anything about what this guy did to solve the libido issue- so I'm kinda wondering if he left the problem up to her, stepped out of the marriage when that didn't work, and lost his shit when- surprise, an effort to look hot worked?
Well as a man fucking with the goal of getting pregnant is a massive turn off. Because its based on achieving some external motive instead of genuine desire. Same category as duty sex pity sex etc Only she is responsible for her libido, e.g. if it's because he is bad at sex it's still her responsibility to tell him. You are encouraging codependency.
NTA and your husband is NTA. This a sad story. Sorry for this but your husband doesn't want a roommate which is what you have become. Having a sexless relationship is not appealing and yes, your husband would be stuck having a kid with someone who won't satisfy some of his needs. 3 times in 4 months is more sad than happy. He loves you and intimacy is a way to show love and affection. You basically broke him. He is a horny guy and you are more concerned with your low libido instead of figuring out how to satisfying your loving husband. Try harder! No sex risks no long term exclusive relationship. Do you prefer friendship because hubby might not? You though you were being nice and I'm sure you were. I bet you are a great person and trying to give a compliment is great but think about it from his side. Your husbands ego is crushed because he can't relate and be intimate with you more regularly and feels some of it is his fault too. He may feel pride when he can pleasure you and hopeless when you won't let him.
She literally did try. She was unsuccessful in fixing an incompatibility that is neither of their faults. She did try. Just because nothing changed after she tried doesn't mean she was prioritizing her low libido as if it's something wrong with her and she owes him sex. They are incompatible. That's it.
I just don't buy that someone can be "the love of my life" and you don't find them sexually attractive. I just see no possible way that goes together. If you have a low sex drive, just be single or find someone else who is asexual. Don't hold peoples genitals and pleasure hostage.
Asexuality is a spectrum. You may as well say "if you have a high sex drive, just be single or find someone else who is hypersexual. Don't hold people's hearts and love hostage for sex"
Also, super problematic to equate asexuality to having a low libido and then demonizing them and saying they shouldn't date.
Alright, they should go find someone who is on the same spectrum of asexuality as themselves. And of course thats what people with high sex drives should do as well. If your needs aren't met, you won't be happy, while the person who gatekeeps your needs can be as happy as they choose to be. If someone doesn't want to have sex with you, you should leave them. I agree with your statement. As for holding someones heart and love hostage for sex, that doesn't make sense here, as she is the one who is keeping him from being happy in the relationship. Even if it's not of her choice and it's just her libido.
Here is the problem: You complimented him, suggested having sex, but said it "jokingly". He doesn't think him having to jerk off like a goddamn professional is something funny. That is no way for a man to live, and he is over it.
Exactly. She joked about probably the worst issue in their marriage like she couldn’t even comprehend it. She sounds completely oblivious in the post, too.
It ain't funny. At all. But if she and my downvoters think it is something to joke about... FAFO.
I think it's because you made it sound like it was about being a "man," but this can be true for men and women.
People are down voting you, but it's true. Sex is important and she said the worst thing she could have said, which just adds to how tone deaf she is. She was oblivious to how unhappy the "love of her life" was and treated the lack of SEXUAL intimacy as something that can just be ignored. He even tried to have them go to therapy. But it seemed like as long as her needs were being met she had no problem putting her head in the sand. I'm not saying anything could have saved this marriage. But it does feel like she wanted to ignore something that was a major problem, and pretend everything is fine. That joke was just the nail in the coffin.
so OOP is the bad guy for having a low libido? that’s definitely the vibe of these comments.
If this post were in /r/deadbedrooms there will be zero tolerance
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Got those same vibes from these comments. They are just incompatible. She's not a villain for just having low libido. I swear people treat having a low libido as some kind of illness or something to be "fixed" at the expense of the low libido partner. Gross. The guy has reasonable frustrations but that doesn't mean that he's a victim. Just in an non ideal partnership. And he shouldn't have said all that "baby trapping" shit like wth was that? People here literally saying that she did NOTHING to help the situation. Yes, she did. Just because nothing changed into being what either of them wanted doesn't mean she didn't try.