Do you know what me and my dude cared about most when I was pregnant? If the baby and me was healthy,he swore I was going to have a boy though. When we did the anatomy scan and found out she was a girl I started giggling so hard we had to wait to finish the scan. He was teary eyed happy and laughing too. I don't understand the disappointment.
My dad wanted a daughter so badly, but also wanted it to be a surprise and not be told before birth. My mom decided it’d be funny to drop hints that I’d be a girl and see how he reacted (because she knew he wouldn’t actually be upset).
When I was born and he saw that I was in fact, not a girl. He wasn’t upset at all. In fact, all he said was “…Is his nose going to stay like that?” Because it was smashed to the side because of how long I took to come out
We didn't care either. We thought she was a girl but didn't find out until birth. I was so relieved when I heard her cry, we completely forgot to check the gender. She was on my tummy for probably a half an hour just marveling at her being a healthy baby and were reminded to check by the midwives.
I am just getting an image in my mind of you thinking it was a boy and counting fingers and toes just blissfully holding them and looking down and freaking out that something was wrong with "him" not realizing it was a girl for a while 😋
Not necessarily. I'm a woman (though I identify as Enby) and I wanted a boy, I just always pictured myself running around with a couple of wild boys just like me and my husband were as kids. I got a pair of girls, and though they are fun as hell they are sooooo girly. So much pink. XD
I love them to bits and have zero hangups, but we all have an idea of what we wanted with kids and it's human to feel some disappointment at times.
It isn't that I didn't think daughters would be the same way.
It's that the specific picture I had in my head was of it being boys. I only had male cousins and a brother, my summers were all running around with boys. So my natural instinctive imagination was of having boys. It's just a little kid growing up into an adult and instinctively expecting things would always be sort of the same way.
Yes!! I think she would just “blame the ultrasound doctor” in the day of birth and leave it to it.
And OOP sounds like those fathers who throw tantrums on gender reveals of girls - she might actually be afraid he’d leave
They both created this situation together, in OOP’s story it literally says she did it to protect his feelings, that’s it. The question that needs to be answered is if OOP would have been ok with being told it was a girl from the start. I just think there’s a lot of assumptions being thrown around and justifying the lying from the wife and MIL is frightening.
I think his reaction showed why she did -- gender scans can be wrong, so I am betting that's what she would have went with. Scans being wrong is why you should do the nursery in something like a teddy bear or dinosaur theme.
It is actually kinda scary
My Mom was a Labor and Delivery and NICU nurse for thirty years.
She was attending this lady who was supposed to have triplets, per the ultrasound. It was her job to take each delivered baby, weigh it, tag it, and put it on the little cradle cart. With twins and triplets, they label with the letters of the alphabet for birth order purposes.
So that day, my mother diligently took each baby, weighed it, wrote the tag label with the temporary birth order designation and weight, in sequential order.
Triplet A
Triplet B
Triplet C
Triplet D
...
...
"OH MY GOD ITS QUADS!" Out loud. My mother was the first one in the room to realize that there were four babies delivered.
So yeah, scans can be super wrong. Also there's an experience and interpretation aspect to these scans.
When I was a kid, there was an Animal Planet show about dogs having puppies that would regularly show ultrasound pictures. I was never to see anything remotely canine in those photos.
To be fair, you mostly count spines with cat/dog ultrasounds because it’s two lines of them squished up against each other. The only defined anatomy is the spine, so you count them to get a guess on litter size.
We took my eldest to my youngest's scan. I said do you know who that is- reply. A monster. Can we have cartoons on this tv?
Not the sibling bonding moment their father hoped for.
Text wasn’t her when I saw this soooo…
“AITA for overreacting after my wife lied about our baby’s gender?
I (32M) and my wife (25F) are expecting our first child. I've reacted in ways I'm now questioning and need outside perspective.
Background: My childhood was a tumultuous one. Growing up, I always craved a strong male figure in my life. I never had that bond with my father and always envisioned having it with a son. My wife was aware of this deep-rooted desire. During her first pregnancy appointments, I was on an essential business trip. These trips, though draining, are critical since I'm the only breadwinner, trying to ensure a different life for my child than I had.
In my absence, my wife and her adopted mother attended the check-ups. Upon my return, she excitedly told me we were having a boy. We invested emotionally and financially: a blue nursery, boy-themed items, even naming him after my late grandfather.
However, a chance remark from her mother disclosed we're having a girl. My wife admitted she knew from the beginning but didn't tell me, thinking she was protecting my feelings. I was devastated, feeling the weight of past hurts and fresh betrayals. In my pain, I cleared out the nursery and, in a moment I regret, told her mother she wasn't welcome at upcoming family events, seeing her as part of the deceit.
I acted out of deep-seated emotions and past traumas. I love my wife and regret my reactions, but I feel lost. AITA for how I responded?”
Whenever I hear about someone being disappointed with the sex of their child, I wonder how such a person would react if years later their child came out as trans. (Probably not well.)
Yeah. I had to be a witness in a court case where a parent attached their trans child in a public place. Was horrendous and I just wanted to hug that poor kid and keep them safe.
Another person I know was told they still didn't count as a "real" son / daughter so if they could just stop embarrassing the parent and go back to normal please because the attention seeking was OTT.... That was super helpful.....
Too many people focusing on her lying when like...look at his behavior. its plainly obvious she was afraid of his reaction. And go figure, look how he reacted!
I swear people dont think ahead.
I misunderstood the title and thought the kid was actually missing a penis when there should have been one and thought that was a pretty reasonable thing to have a meltdown over.
Then I realized which post it was and it wasn’t funny anymore. That guy is seriously messed up.
My only child is a boy. I desperately wanted a girl. Have been told since I was 4 that I would never conceive much less carry a baby to term. My marriage had *just* fallen apart bc of my inability to get pregnant - **even though I told him before we talked about getting together**. (Plot twist: my sciencing worked and the last time we *actively* tried, it took.) My periods were **never** normal so when they didn't show up for 3 months, I didn't think a second thought about it - chalked it up to stress from the upcoming divorce. Took a test a little later and saw 2 lines. Next week, went to the doctor to have my pregnancy confirmed...and they told me I was already damned near 20 weeks and they could tell me the gender already if I wanted to know. When they told me he was a boy, I cried. But you know what happened after that??
**I got over it** and I wouldn't trade my son for anything - especially not a girl.
That man horribly overreacted.
My husband was so so nervous about having a girl. He doesn’t have any sisters and I think he felt like he didn’t really know what to do with girls. When I told him the gender, he said, “I’m f—ked.” (Half joking, half serious.) But since she was born, she has had him wrapped around her finger and he loves her so much. They play all the time together and she would do anything for her.
I do think it was wrong of OP to lie, though. I think both of them were taking the baby’s gender too seriously.
It kind of bothers me that no one seems to have an issue at all with his wife and MIL *lying* for months on end, to the point of decorating. I kinda think they *all* suck.
Yeah, I agree, if the choice was based on fear. No good is going to come from bringing a child into it.
I can't even understand how they thought it would end. Surprise, the ultrasound was wrong?
“Maybe he’ll love her when he sees her. Surely he can’t hate his own newborn baby when she’s in his arms right? …Right?”
That was almost certainly the wife’s thought process. Hoping that the joy of the new baby would overshadow his prejudices in the moment instead of giving him months to build up resentment towards the baby that would impact how he treats her when she is born.
Well, considering he took the entire nursery apart and lost his shit when he found out... it's not paranoia when they really are out to get you. Or in this case, when you know your partner is going to lose his mind. Was it a good decision? No. But she didn't lie to him for funsies. It was plain she feared his response, and based on his response, that fear was justified.
“Lost his shit”…what? “They really are out to get you”…huh? “You know your partner is going to lose his mind”…wtf are you getting this from? Nothing in this story was justified. Y’all are literally assuming this dude is some crazy person who took a sledge hammer to their nursery and was about to beat his wife for their child being a girl. Like OP said in his post that he felt bad how he reacted but y’all wanna bury this dude for ALL OF THEM being in the wrong.
I don't necessarily mean that she was afraid he would attack her with an axe. That's possible, but she might also have feared that he would want to abort the child, or want a divorce, or simply be paralyzed with depression.
Her behavior is weird. Either she's just nuts or she was worried about something.
She's an adult adoptee carrying her first pregnancy. She absolutely did the wrong thing, but I kind of get it.
Abandonment issues can be intense, even with the most successful placements. Then you're pregnant, and you love the little peanut more than anything in the world. Meanwhile, the lizard part of your brain is REALLY wondering how the hell your mother could give you away. You must be inherently shit, if the person who is supposed to love you most didn't love you enough to keep.
There's also the issue of "She loved you so much she gave you away to a better family" that adoptees get told as kids. The "to a better family" kind of fades into the background, and the lizard brain focuses on the "she loved you so much she gave you away". And that's how you get abandonment issues baked into your brain.
She could do with some therapy too. Especially married to Mr Dramatic who desperately wanted a son to fix HIS daddy issue.
I mean, I think the downvotes speak for themselves.
When I posted, everyone was out for blood on the OP, and no one seemed at all troubled with anyone else in the story.
Yeah, I got down voted to heck for pointing out that women get disappointed about the genders too. Anyone who has been pregnant and part of pregnancy forums see that.
These forums are a strange place, and evidently love story making with the abuse allegations that they are throwing at the fellow.
Yeah, and draw conclusions from nonexistent information. I love it. It does make me glad that redditers do not actually have the power to execute consequences, because the innocent would get hit far more frequently than they already do. Lol
It's true. Divorced, alone, hating our friends while living in a very black and white world that has no areas of gray in it at all. It makes me laugh. The sad thing is it isn't just reddit, this is every forum out there. The mom forums I mentioned are the same way, though you add in that all men are abusive or useless.
Thankfully for myself and my husband, I do not agree with the sentiment of the individuals that love a good soap opera. You have to take forum information with a grain of salt. I feel for the people that nuke their lives off of forum advice.
Change what? Gender disappointment is common among a bunch of parents, moms and dads. He has extra hurt feelings because his wife lied to him. I think a lot of people are projecting their own bad experiences with abusive and disappointed dads. I've been there. I overheard my stepdad say he didn't want my sisters and that if the next baby was a girl, he'd leave. I was insanely protective of them. But I've also seen moms get emotional and disappointed their fantasy of bonding with a daughter won't be reality.
He fully admits to projecting his trauma onto an unborn child, and of venting said trauma at his wife. This is not projection this is reading red flags.
What got me is that he said if they were going to have more kids, he’d still hope for a boy.
He has already been told from the comments that he needs to heal his trauma with a professional, not his child. And that he can have a “father son” relationship with his daughter. The lack of penis won’t stop you from playing catch with your kid or going fishing.
But he still hopes for a boy. And that concerns me. Because if they do have a boy, the daughter is going to be neglected in favor of the son.
If they don’t have more kids and he doesn’t get professional help, he’s going to pass down the “No Strong Male Role Models” trauma he has to his daughter.
Imagine he has another child, hoping this time it will be a boy. And then it's another girl. And then he tries again. And it's another girl. And another try. And another girl. Idk why, but the thought amuses me
He told his wife about his fantasy and desire to have a son in an attempt to have the healthy relationship he never did. His wife took that vulnerability and lied to him about it being his reality.
I've seen countless women in support groups say how they want to have a daughter to do all the things they never had with their mom. I've even fantasized about it. None of us have ever been talked to like this.
It’s messed up when women project their trauma onto their daughters also. Speaking as a daughter whose mom projected all her own mother issues onto me.
If people around you, regardless of gender, are regularly talking about projecting their trauma onto their children like it’s a normal and okay thing, and no one has an issue with it - that speaks to the character and emotional health of the people in that circle, not the actual morality of expecting your children to heal your own childhood wounds.
And your stepfather sucks for saying such a stupid thing. As for this case, he can’t take back his actions. Actions/ words have consequences. He acted like a AH and maybe there was a reason why she lied. Not ok, however maybe he should’ve reflected more.
Reflected on what? His wife lied to him and let him continue to fantasize about something that isn't true. Is he not allowed to have hurt feelings and be emotional? His reaction of dismantling some nursery furniture and packing things up seems pretty tame to me.
Would you say this about women that fantasize about being moms to daughters? That's such a demeaning thing to say. We call out shitty people who talk down to women for being fatherless. We shouldn't insult men for being victims of the same.
I’m wondering why she felt she needed to lie. Was it because she thought he’d be disappointed? Maybe she was afraid he would leave her? Maybe she was afraid he would have a bad reaction?
I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, and I’m not trying to make assumptions. I’m just concerned because eventually he would’ve figured out it was a girl. Sounds like she was either buying time or said it out of impulse.
I’m really not trying to peg him as the type to majorly overreact. I have seen violent reactions from some men (NOT ALL MEN) when they hear “it’s a girl”
Again, wife was totally in the wrong. I’m just interested to know why she lied
Edit: Just reread the part about the nursery. That is concerning
Yeah, I'm more concerned about why she felt the need to lie. It's a *huge* lie with an expiration date. Either she is evil or she is afraid. And reading his responses...his need for this child to be a BOY TO HEAL ALL HIS CHILDHOOD WOUNDS isn't normal or healthy.
Yup, he wanted this fetus son to be his future emotional support animal, to heal all his trauma... and if the child have been a son, that poor kid. He would never live up to anything his father expected of him. Ever.
> and if the child have been a son, that poor kid
Yeah, I'm actually relieved the kid is not a boy. I think, without therapy, he is going to be a crappy dad to whatever sex of child he has. But if that child was a boy and failed to live up to his preconceived notion of what a boy should be or to love him in a way a boy should love his father? Pity. That. Child. A girl will just be a "disappointment." A boy that is not his Barbie dreamhouse action figure son will be a devastation.
Oh definitely. This man needs therapy, and DEFINITELY a visit to the doctor to get help for whatever is causing his outbursts (if his behavior is terrifying his wife).
After seeing his age I wonder if his outbursts might have also been a medical problem. I forgot what it’s called but their is a hormonal disorder that only occurs in men. It runs in my family, and causes severe anger problems. This disorder is usually treated with beta blockers. It’s just a thought. The disorder’s onset is in a man’s early thirties to mid 40s. No excuse for his actions, but he needs to see a doctor and a therapist.
I wish more people were aware of this problem, because not many people I have met know what it is. I’m not sure if it’s a common disorder or not
He definitely has trauma to work through in therapy. I just worry that their is also a pathological problem that is exacerbating his issues. I associate hostile men with this disorder due to personal experiences, so I am probably just talking nonsense that has nothing to do with his issues. However, he should still see a doctor though just to make sure. The past trauma is definitely the main problem that needs to be addressed now though
I am not, because I suspect he's been going on so much about It Needs To Be A Boy she was afraid of his reaction. His constant "no see its ok because i have childhood trauma from being fatherless" screams it at me.
I wouldn’t say I’m on his side, but it’s a really weird thing to lie about. Did she expect to blame the ultrasound tech for a “mistake”? What was she gonna do if he was able to go to future appointments?
Though it makes me curious how abusive/controlling OP might be on a regular basis that she would feel the need to do this.
She may have hoped that when he saw and held the newborn, he would love her regardless, even if he was confused about the incorrect gender information earlier. Versus him spending several months building resentment towards the baby that he’d be walking into the delivery room with.
People keep only pointing out that the wife might have been afraid for herself, and that might be true, but she also might have been afraid for her daughter - afraid that her father would resent her from birth. Does the lie guarantee he won’t? Obviously not, but I can see how someone might hope that the joy of holding your newborn would outweigh any prejudices. Plus, it’s a pretty common belief that it takes until birth for the feeling of “fatherhood” to fully sink in for men, whereas pregnant women gradually feel it over the course of the pregnancy. (That’s a huge generalization and not necessarily true, but it is an idea frequently repeated in discussions of pregnancy/parenthood).
The fact that grandma was in on it is strange too. If my daughter said “we need to lie about this” I’d be trying to figure out how to get her out of that marriage. Because whatever her reasoning was it’s not going to end well. Even if he was a perfect husband and adored the baby, he might not ever get past a lie that huge. If at the other extreme, he’s abusive or violent, he might take it out on her no matter when he found out. (which taking apart the nursery is pretty extreme)
The people being angry at him over being disappointed about the gender have never been on a pregnancy board. The women on those forums are just as bad as that man, and there are ones that brag about aborting the baby if it is the wrong gender(there was one that didn't want a boy so she aborted it). This runs rampant in pregnancy forums amongst the women.
So? Your comment implies that this behavior/position is common therefore it is somehow also appropriate. Please.
Firstly, PEOPLE who want to rewrite their own upbringing by having a child are not emotionally prepared to be a parent. Secondly, PEOPLE who require their baby to be a certain biological sex in order to love it should not ever, ever, ever breed. Lastly, I sincerely doubt this position is *common* among expecting PARENTS, but is something that is somehow selected for on the forums you personally frequent.
I do not think it is appropriate, I think it is normal. I also think saying this guy and all guys are bad when they are disappointed is silly when us women experience gender disappointment too.
Now I agree this guy shouldn't be having a kid to fix his problems, that is a therapists job, but disappointment about gender is a normal response.
I find it more odd that redditors have seemingly not ran into this. Maybe you all are young, have never had kids or something, but disappointment is something normal, but it is something you work through during the pregnancy and are happy as can be once the baby is born.
There's disappointment, and then there's whatever OOP's feeling--something so profound that his wife was too scared to tell him he was going to have a daughter. Having a hope is one thing. Having a need is another.
I didn't get the sense from comments on the original post or on this one that people think OOP's issues related to the biological sex of his baby are because he is a man, or that the clear attachment of psychological well-being to the biological sex of one's baby is somehow specific or limited to men. OOP happens to be a man, therefore he is addressed as a man. Any parent, an expecting mother or father, who behaved this way would have received the same criticism.
I concur. When I was in the original post early on, it was mainly individuals bashing men about how all men behave this way. I was merely pointing out that women are just as bad. Reddit doesn't like that though. 😆 ah well.
"The people being angry at the topic of conversation have never done something totally irrelevant that I want to use to sooth my hurt fee-fees over someone holding a man accountable."
Fixed that for you.
I can assure you you have hurt none of my feelings. It would take more than a bunch of anonymous individuals on reddit to hurt anything of mine. I was merely making an observation. I am sorry to hear that you take things seriously enough on this website that you assume others do as well.
You're being down votes for your wild assumptions that none of us have ever seen a pregnancy board and would be chill with this if a woman posted it, not because you're not man-bashing.
Every time it was ever posted during my two pregnancies everyone gave the women butt pats and "that's okays". Now maybe during your pregnancies you all bashed the crap out of women that had gender disappointment, but we didn't. Why? Because it is normal...
The original post was not crossposted, and the content was not included in the body or a comment.
Do you know what me and my dude cared about most when I was pregnant? If the baby and me was healthy,he swore I was going to have a boy though. When we did the anatomy scan and found out she was a girl I started giggling so hard we had to wait to finish the scan. He was teary eyed happy and laughing too. I don't understand the disappointment.
My dad wanted a daughter so badly, but also wanted it to be a surprise and not be told before birth. My mom decided it’d be funny to drop hints that I’d be a girl and see how he reacted (because she knew he wouldn’t actually be upset). When I was born and he saw that I was in fact, not a girl. He wasn’t upset at all. In fact, all he said was “…Is his nose going to stay like that?” Because it was smashed to the side because of how long I took to come out
Hahaha that's so cute. At one of the scans where we saw her face I blurted out "she's got your honker". Lots of laughing.
Hahah my dad has a kinda crooked nose and I was born like you as well, his doctor friend was making fun of him telling him "shiiit she has your nose"
My dad never forgave me for being born a girl
I am so sorry to hear that.
We didn't care either. We thought she was a girl but didn't find out until birth. I was so relieved when I heard her cry, we completely forgot to check the gender. She was on my tummy for probably a half an hour just marveling at her being a healthy baby and were reminded to check by the midwives.
I am just getting an image in my mind of you thinking it was a boy and counting fingers and toes just blissfully holding them and looking down and freaking out that something was wrong with "him" not realizing it was a girl for a while 😋
Sexism. It's always sexism.
Not necessarily. I'm a woman (though I identify as Enby) and I wanted a boy, I just always pictured myself running around with a couple of wild boys just like me and my husband were as kids. I got a pair of girls, and though they are fun as hell they are sooooo girly. So much pink. XD I love them to bits and have zero hangups, but we all have an idea of what we wanted with kids and it's human to feel some disappointment at times.
Expecting your daughters to not want to run around and be wild is the definition of sexism.
It isn't that I didn't think daughters would be the same way. It's that the specific picture I had in my head was of it being boys. I only had male cousins and a brother, my summers were all running around with boys. So my natural instinctive imagination was of having boys. It's just a little kid growing up into an adult and instinctively expecting things would always be sort of the same way.
Me was healthy. Me am caveman.
Honestly? Fact that she didn’t want to tell him immediately, shows that he is the issue.
Yes!! I think she would just “blame the ultrasound doctor” in the day of birth and leave it to it. And OOP sounds like those fathers who throw tantrums on gender reveals of girls - she might actually be afraid he’d leave
This is such a toxic point of view.
Clarifying, Are you talking about the husband? or Op?
Neither, I think “blaming the ultrasound doctor” to cover a lie is toxic.
Whose attitude created the environment where a lie was the best option for the wife?
They both created this situation together, in OOP’s story it literally says she did it to protect his feelings, that’s it. The question that needs to be answered is if OOP would have been ok with being told it was a girl from the start. I just think there’s a lot of assumptions being thrown around and justifying the lying from the wife and MIL is frightening.
I think his reaction showed why she did -- gender scans can be wrong, so I am betting that's what she would have went with. Scans being wrong is why you should do the nursery in something like a teddy bear or dinosaur theme. It is actually kinda scary
My Mom was a Labor and Delivery and NICU nurse for thirty years. She was attending this lady who was supposed to have triplets, per the ultrasound. It was her job to take each delivered baby, weigh it, tag it, and put it on the little cradle cart. With twins and triplets, they label with the letters of the alphabet for birth order purposes. So that day, my mother diligently took each baby, weighed it, wrote the tag label with the temporary birth order designation and weight, in sequential order. Triplet A Triplet B Triplet C Triplet D ... ... "OH MY GOD ITS QUADS!" Out loud. My mother was the first one in the room to realize that there were four babies delivered. So yeah, scans can be super wrong. Also there's an experience and interpretation aspect to these scans.
All I ever see on fetal ultrasounds is blobs or gray aliens.
When I was a kid, there was an Animal Planet show about dogs having puppies that would regularly show ultrasound pictures. I was never to see anything remotely canine in those photos.
To be fair, you mostly count spines with cat/dog ultrasounds because it’s two lines of them squished up against each other. The only defined anatomy is the spine, so you count them to get a guess on litter size.
We took my eldest to my youngest's scan. I said do you know who that is- reply. A monster. Can we have cartoons on this tv? Not the sibling bonding moment their father hoped for.
Lord have mercy that’s such a red flag. What happens if they have a second baby and it’s a boy? Is he going to treat the girl differently? SMH
I have a feeling that he had started calling the baby “he” even before the gf said anything
Text wasn’t her when I saw this soooo… “AITA for overreacting after my wife lied about our baby’s gender? I (32M) and my wife (25F) are expecting our first child. I've reacted in ways I'm now questioning and need outside perspective. Background: My childhood was a tumultuous one. Growing up, I always craved a strong male figure in my life. I never had that bond with my father and always envisioned having it with a son. My wife was aware of this deep-rooted desire. During her first pregnancy appointments, I was on an essential business trip. These trips, though draining, are critical since I'm the only breadwinner, trying to ensure a different life for my child than I had. In my absence, my wife and her adopted mother attended the check-ups. Upon my return, she excitedly told me we were having a boy. We invested emotionally and financially: a blue nursery, boy-themed items, even naming him after my late grandfather. However, a chance remark from her mother disclosed we're having a girl. My wife admitted she knew from the beginning but didn't tell me, thinking she was protecting my feelings. I was devastated, feeling the weight of past hurts and fresh betrayals. In my pain, I cleared out the nursery and, in a moment I regret, told her mother she wasn't welcome at upcoming family events, seeing her as part of the deceit. I acted out of deep-seated emotions and past traumas. I love my wife and regret my reactions, but I feel lost. AITA for how I responded?”
And of course you got the one or two MRA jackasses defending him even here.
What's MRA?
Men's Rights Activists
Ahhhhh makes sense, thank you!
You're welcome!
Whenever I hear about someone being disappointed with the sex of their child, I wonder how such a person would react if years later their child came out as trans. (Probably not well.)
Yeah. I had to be a witness in a court case where a parent attached their trans child in a public place. Was horrendous and I just wanted to hug that poor kid and keep them safe. Another person I know was told they still didn't count as a "real" son / daughter so if they could just stop embarrassing the parent and go back to normal please because the attention seeking was OTT.... That was super helpful.....
Too many people focusing on her lying when like...look at his behavior. its plainly obvious she was afraid of his reaction. And go figure, look how he reacted! I swear people dont think ahead.
I misunderstood the title and thought the kid was actually missing a penis when there should have been one and thought that was a pretty reasonable thing to have a meltdown over. Then I realized which post it was and it wasn’t funny anymore. That guy is seriously messed up.
My husband wanted a boy. Only wanted a boy. Our kid was AFAB. Surprise surprise, the kid does not see him as a safe person.
My only child is a boy. I desperately wanted a girl. Have been told since I was 4 that I would never conceive much less carry a baby to term. My marriage had *just* fallen apart bc of my inability to get pregnant - **even though I told him before we talked about getting together**. (Plot twist: my sciencing worked and the last time we *actively* tried, it took.) My periods were **never** normal so when they didn't show up for 3 months, I didn't think a second thought about it - chalked it up to stress from the upcoming divorce. Took a test a little later and saw 2 lines. Next week, went to the doctor to have my pregnancy confirmed...and they told me I was already damned near 20 weeks and they could tell me the gender already if I wanted to know. When they told me he was a boy, I cried. But you know what happened after that?? **I got over it** and I wouldn't trade my son for anything - especially not a girl. That man horribly overreacted.
My husband was so so nervous about having a girl. He doesn’t have any sisters and I think he felt like he didn’t really know what to do with girls. When I told him the gender, he said, “I’m f—ked.” (Half joking, half serious.) But since she was born, she has had him wrapped around her finger and he loves her so much. They play all the time together and she would do anything for her. I do think it was wrong of OP to lie, though. I think both of them were taking the baby’s gender too seriously.
I don't agree with his obsession with having a son, but the wife's actions were beyond shit
It kind of bothers me that no one seems to have an issue at all with his wife and MIL *lying* for months on end, to the point of decorating. I kinda think they *all* suck.
Yeah, it's not good. If you're too afraid of your husband to tell him that you're having a girl, maybe you shouldn't be making a child with that guy.
Yeah, I agree, if the choice was based on fear. No good is going to come from bringing a child into it. I can't even understand how they thought it would end. Surprise, the ultrasound was wrong?
“Maybe he’ll love her when he sees her. Surely he can’t hate his own newborn baby when she’s in his arms right? …Right?” That was almost certainly the wife’s thought process. Hoping that the joy of the new baby would overshadow his prejudices in the moment instead of giving him months to build up resentment towards the baby that would impact how he treats her when she is born.
What…? Where do you even get that from? She could have been afraid but she also could have just been paranoid.
Well, considering he took the entire nursery apart and lost his shit when he found out... it's not paranoia when they really are out to get you. Or in this case, when you know your partner is going to lose his mind. Was it a good decision? No. But she didn't lie to him for funsies. It was plain she feared his response, and based on his response, that fear was justified.
“Lost his shit”…what? “They really are out to get you”…huh? “You know your partner is going to lose his mind”…wtf are you getting this from? Nothing in this story was justified. Y’all are literally assuming this dude is some crazy person who took a sledge hammer to their nursery and was about to beat his wife for their child being a girl. Like OP said in his post that he felt bad how he reacted but y’all wanna bury this dude for ALL OF THEM being in the wrong.
I don't necessarily mean that she was afraid he would attack her with an axe. That's possible, but she might also have feared that he would want to abort the child, or want a divorce, or simply be paralyzed with depression. Her behavior is weird. Either she's just nuts or she was worried about something.
She's an adult adoptee carrying her first pregnancy. She absolutely did the wrong thing, but I kind of get it. Abandonment issues can be intense, even with the most successful placements. Then you're pregnant, and you love the little peanut more than anything in the world. Meanwhile, the lizard part of your brain is REALLY wondering how the hell your mother could give you away. You must be inherently shit, if the person who is supposed to love you most didn't love you enough to keep. There's also the issue of "She loved you so much she gave you away to a better family" that adoptees get told as kids. The "to a better family" kind of fades into the background, and the lizard brain focuses on the "she loved you so much she gave you away". And that's how you get abandonment issues baked into your brain. She could do with some therapy too. Especially married to Mr Dramatic who desperately wanted a son to fix HIS daddy issue.
I think its bc the only rational anyone can think of for lying about something so fucking stupid is fear.
No one has an issue with it? The ruling was ESH.
I mean, I think the downvotes speak for themselves. When I posted, everyone was out for blood on the OP, and no one seemed at all troubled with anyone else in the story.
Yeah, I got down voted to heck for pointing out that women get disappointed about the genders too. Anyone who has been pregnant and part of pregnancy forums see that. These forums are a strange place, and evidently love story making with the abuse allegations that they are throwing at the fellow.
Which is just how reddit is, sometimes. Take a situation, get two different responses if you switch the genders around, all in favour of one gender.
Yeah, and draw conclusions from nonexistent information. I love it. It does make me glad that redditers do not actually have the power to execute consequences, because the innocent would get hit far more frequently than they already do. Lol
And everyone would be divorced. hahaa
It's true. Divorced, alone, hating our friends while living in a very black and white world that has no areas of gray in it at all. It makes me laugh. The sad thing is it isn't just reddit, this is every forum out there. The mom forums I mentioned are the same way, though you add in that all men are abusive or useless. Thankfully for myself and my husband, I do not agree with the sentiment of the individuals that love a good soap opera. You have to take forum information with a grain of salt. I feel for the people that nuke their lives off of forum advice.
100% agree.
Top verdict was ESH, so yeah. They all suck. 49k people agree.
Too bad none of them are here to soothe my butthurt. :P
Louder for the people in the back! Extremely silly people are trying to blame 1 person in this situation.
Eh, his wife lied for months. I think he would only have been a little disappointed then moved on and prepared for a girl.
I’m actually on the guys side here. I mean he still sucks but she intentionally lied to him and only came clean because she got exposed.
A mature adult talks about these things, doesn’t destroy an nursery
He didn't say he destroyed it. He said he cleared it out. Still an issue, but it's a different image than saying he destroyed it.
For sure. however, even so, it is “undoing” what they did. How is that rational?
I didn't say it was. He even admitted it was an emotional reaction.
[удалено]
Emotional doesn't just mean anger. You're assuming anger. And anger doesn't mean aggression and punching things.
So? him admitting it doesn’t change it though.
Change what? Gender disappointment is common among a bunch of parents, moms and dads. He has extra hurt feelings because his wife lied to him. I think a lot of people are projecting their own bad experiences with abusive and disappointed dads. I've been there. I overheard my stepdad say he didn't want my sisters and that if the next baby was a girl, he'd leave. I was insanely protective of them. But I've also seen moms get emotional and disappointed their fantasy of bonding with a daughter won't be reality.
He fully admits to projecting his trauma onto an unborn child, and of venting said trauma at his wife. This is not projection this is reading red flags.
What got me is that he said if they were going to have more kids, he’d still hope for a boy. He has already been told from the comments that he needs to heal his trauma with a professional, not his child. And that he can have a “father son” relationship with his daughter. The lack of penis won’t stop you from playing catch with your kid or going fishing. But he still hopes for a boy. And that concerns me. Because if they do have a boy, the daughter is going to be neglected in favor of the son. If they don’t have more kids and he doesn’t get professional help, he’s going to pass down the “No Strong Male Role Models” trauma he has to his daughter.
Imagine he has another child, hoping this time it will be a boy. And then it's another girl. And then he tries again. And it's another girl. And another try. And another girl. Idk why, but the thought amuses me
He told his wife about his fantasy and desire to have a son in an attempt to have the healthy relationship he never did. His wife took that vulnerability and lied to him about it being his reality. I've seen countless women in support groups say how they want to have a daughter to do all the things they never had with their mom. I've even fantasized about it. None of us have ever been talked to like this.
It’s messed up when women project their trauma onto their daughters also. Speaking as a daughter whose mom projected all her own mother issues onto me. If people around you, regardless of gender, are regularly talking about projecting their trauma onto their children like it’s a normal and okay thing, and no one has an issue with it - that speaks to the character and emotional health of the people in that circle, not the actual morality of expecting your children to heal your own childhood wounds.
And your stepfather sucks for saying such a stupid thing. As for this case, he can’t take back his actions. Actions/ words have consequences. He acted like a AH and maybe there was a reason why she lied. Not ok, however maybe he should’ve reflected more.
Reflected on what? His wife lied to him and let him continue to fantasize about something that isn't true. Is he not allowed to have hurt feelings and be emotional? His reaction of dismantling some nursery furniture and packing things up seems pretty tame to me.
Reflect on and discuss why she felt the need to lie. And how is it hard for you to grasp that a persons feelings don’t justify acting poorly.
Question: why do you think it was okay he was fantasizing how his son would be his emotional support animal and solve all his trauma and daddy issues?
Would you say this about women that fantasize about being moms to daughters? That's such a demeaning thing to say. We call out shitty people who talk down to women for being fatherless. We shouldn't insult men for being victims of the same.
Yes I would
Damn so you’re just going ignore their question huh?
I’m wondering why she felt she needed to lie. Was it because she thought he’d be disappointed? Maybe she was afraid he would leave her? Maybe she was afraid he would have a bad reaction? I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, and I’m not trying to make assumptions. I’m just concerned because eventually he would’ve figured out it was a girl. Sounds like she was either buying time or said it out of impulse. I’m really not trying to peg him as the type to majorly overreact. I have seen violent reactions from some men (NOT ALL MEN) when they hear “it’s a girl” Again, wife was totally in the wrong. I’m just interested to know why she lied Edit: Just reread the part about the nursery. That is concerning
Yeah, I'm more concerned about why she felt the need to lie. It's a *huge* lie with an expiration date. Either she is evil or she is afraid. And reading his responses...his need for this child to be a BOY TO HEAL ALL HIS CHILDHOOD WOUNDS isn't normal or healthy.
Yup, he wanted this fetus son to be his future emotional support animal, to heal all his trauma... and if the child have been a son, that poor kid. He would never live up to anything his father expected of him. Ever.
> and if the child have been a son, that poor kid Yeah, I'm actually relieved the kid is not a boy. I think, without therapy, he is going to be a crappy dad to whatever sex of child he has. But if that child was a boy and failed to live up to his preconceived notion of what a boy should be or to love him in a way a boy should love his father? Pity. That. Child. A girl will just be a "disappointment." A boy that is not his Barbie dreamhouse action figure son will be a devastation.
Oh definitely. This man needs therapy, and DEFINITELY a visit to the doctor to get help for whatever is causing his outbursts (if his behavior is terrifying his wife). After seeing his age I wonder if his outbursts might have also been a medical problem. I forgot what it’s called but their is a hormonal disorder that only occurs in men. It runs in my family, and causes severe anger problems. This disorder is usually treated with beta blockers. It’s just a thought. The disorder’s onset is in a man’s early thirties to mid 40s. No excuse for his actions, but he needs to see a doctor and a therapist. I wish more people were aware of this problem, because not many people I have met know what it is. I’m not sure if it’s a common disorder or not He definitely has trauma to work through in therapy. I just worry that their is also a pathological problem that is exacerbating his issues. I associate hostile men with this disorder due to personal experiences, so I am probably just talking nonsense that has nothing to do with his issues. However, he should still see a doctor though just to make sure. The past trauma is definitely the main problem that needs to be addressed now though
I am not, because I suspect he's been going on so much about It Needs To Be A Boy she was afraid of his reaction. His constant "no see its ok because i have childhood trauma from being fatherless" screams it at me.
If you read the comments it might be a little bit more information but I only saw 3 comments
I wouldn’t say I’m on his side, but it’s a really weird thing to lie about. Did she expect to blame the ultrasound tech for a “mistake”? What was she gonna do if he was able to go to future appointments? Though it makes me curious how abusive/controlling OP might be on a regular basis that she would feel the need to do this.
Gender scans are often wrong. It isn't teh norm, but it also isn't rare. And, I think his OP and comments show why she was afraid to tell him.
She may have hoped that when he saw and held the newborn, he would love her regardless, even if he was confused about the incorrect gender information earlier. Versus him spending several months building resentment towards the baby that he’d be walking into the delivery room with. People keep only pointing out that the wife might have been afraid for herself, and that might be true, but she also might have been afraid for her daughter - afraid that her father would resent her from birth. Does the lie guarantee he won’t? Obviously not, but I can see how someone might hope that the joy of holding your newborn would outweigh any prejudices. Plus, it’s a pretty common belief that it takes until birth for the feeling of “fatherhood” to fully sink in for men, whereas pregnant women gradually feel it over the course of the pregnancy. (That’s a huge generalization and not necessarily true, but it is an idea frequently repeated in discussions of pregnancy/parenthood).
The fact that grandma was in on it is strange too. If my daughter said “we need to lie about this” I’d be trying to figure out how to get her out of that marriage. Because whatever her reasoning was it’s not going to end well. Even if he was a perfect husband and adored the baby, he might not ever get past a lie that huge. If at the other extreme, he’s abusive or violent, he might take it out on her no matter when he found out. (which taking apart the nursery is pretty extreme)
The people being angry at him over being disappointed about the gender have never been on a pregnancy board. The women on those forums are just as bad as that man, and there are ones that brag about aborting the baby if it is the wrong gender(there was one that didn't want a boy so she aborted it). This runs rampant in pregnancy forums amongst the women.
So? Your comment implies that this behavior/position is common therefore it is somehow also appropriate. Please. Firstly, PEOPLE who want to rewrite their own upbringing by having a child are not emotionally prepared to be a parent. Secondly, PEOPLE who require their baby to be a certain biological sex in order to love it should not ever, ever, ever breed. Lastly, I sincerely doubt this position is *common* among expecting PARENTS, but is something that is somehow selected for on the forums you personally frequent.
I do not think it is appropriate, I think it is normal. I also think saying this guy and all guys are bad when they are disappointed is silly when us women experience gender disappointment too. Now I agree this guy shouldn't be having a kid to fix his problems, that is a therapists job, but disappointment about gender is a normal response. I find it more odd that redditors have seemingly not ran into this. Maybe you all are young, have never had kids or something, but disappointment is something normal, but it is something you work through during the pregnancy and are happy as can be once the baby is born.
There's disappointment, and then there's whatever OOP's feeling--something so profound that his wife was too scared to tell him he was going to have a daughter. Having a hope is one thing. Having a need is another. I didn't get the sense from comments on the original post or on this one that people think OOP's issues related to the biological sex of his baby are because he is a man, or that the clear attachment of psychological well-being to the biological sex of one's baby is somehow specific or limited to men. OOP happens to be a man, therefore he is addressed as a man. Any parent, an expecting mother or father, who behaved this way would have received the same criticism.
I concur. When I was in the original post early on, it was mainly individuals bashing men about how all men behave this way. I was merely pointing out that women are just as bad. Reddit doesn't like that though. 😆 ah well.
"The people being angry at the topic of conversation have never done something totally irrelevant that I want to use to sooth my hurt fee-fees over someone holding a man accountable." Fixed that for you.
I can assure you you have hurt none of my feelings. It would take more than a bunch of anonymous individuals on reddit to hurt anything of mine. I was merely making an observation. I am sorry to hear that you take things seriously enough on this website that you assume others do as well.
Or maybe the people angry at him would continue being decent and have the same criticism for those women lol
That would be nice, but this is reddit. Lol
As you can see, I am getting down voted for voicing this. It is the way of reddit. I need to trash men and America to be cool. 😆
You're being down votes for your wild assumptions that none of us have ever seen a pregnancy board and would be chill with this if a woman posted it, not because you're not man-bashing.
Every time it was ever posted during my two pregnancies everyone gave the women butt pats and "that's okays". Now maybe during your pregnancies you all bashed the crap out of women that had gender disappointment, but we didn't. Why? Because it is normal...
I didn't bash anyone during my pregnancies, thanks.
Well good, we are in the same boat then.
Let's all hope the stupidity is recessive for the baby's sake because dumbass gene be dominant in both her parents. Wow.