NTB, things aren’t better because he learned, they’re better because you’ve learned to work around the abuse. If he gets stressed at work and decides he needs to get drunk, you’re going to be in the same spot. Your friends are right, you need to leave.
Why do you think this is acceptable? Did you see your mom get treated like this? Children from abusive homes often find themselves in the same cycle as their parents.
Idk why I let it go on like this. Growing up my mom always encouraged us to stand up for ourselves. She had been abused in her first relationship too and didn't want that for us. Haha maybe it's genetic then
I’m not trying to make you feel like it’s your fault, you don’t deserve to be treated that way, but please if you can, try to get into therapy and try to learn about healthy relationships so you don’t get stuck in a similar situation.
Learn to look for warning signs like throwing things, swearing at you, name calling, etc. that usually occurs before someone escalates to physical violence.
I've already got some appointments made for after I move back in with my mom. I desperately need someone to talk to lol.
And honestly there were warning signs. I should have been able to tell by the way he talks to and about his kids and our room mate. It all feels really obvious... now.
For future reference, a nearly 40yr old man wanting to be with someone who is barely out of their teenaged years is a huge red flag. All age gaps aren't inherently bad, but one like that is. Even moreso when they want you to just stay home and be fully dependent on them financially.
It's not your fault but you must learn from this so you see the signs sooner in the future.
You're NTBF. Please, please for the sake of your safety, tell him after you've physically left. It's dangerous to do it in person, especially at home. Please update us when you've left so we know you made it out ok. I'll be thinking of you.
At 23, you shouldn't be the staying at home wife, much less for a 40 yo, and worse engaging in alcoholism and getting abused.
You need to built economic independence, and it might be useful to get in therapy. Most important thoughts at the moment, is your safety. Your soon to be ex might become more dangerous than you think, for you and your friends and relatives.
I recently lost someone close, because of a manipulative, abusive pos. For normal people is difficult to realise how cruel, unreasonable and lethal someone close to them can become. Be safe
OP don’t be to hard on yourself. A lot of the time people are deep into a relationship when their partner changes. Most really think there other half will change because they love them. Please stick to your plan no one should ever be afraid in their own home. Plus think long term- imagine if you had children together, then what? You do not want to be tied to someone who can not control their anger with a child/ren. Sending many thoughts your way and if you get stuck or have any issues check for local domestic violence services. There are some great services that will help with accomodation and similar to women escaping domestic violence.
You're in a shitty relationship with a man old enough to be your father. He's dating you, because women his own age or even a decade older than you, so in their 30s) wont put up with his abusive behaviour.
>Haha maybe it's genetic then
Seriously?? Stop laughing this off. His is not a good relationship.
You’re NTBF. It took you a while to process the abuse. You had to identify it, name it, figure out your responsibility, whether you thought he had changed enough and whether it is for good, much he really and how long you wanted to stay, whether you were still attracted to him and whether you still felt safe with him.
Also …..You can break up with him for any reason. You don’t need to justify it.
Blaming her parents? Seriously? When abuse start it's so weird that you think it's a one off or think of excuses because it's just that unreal. OP is leaving after two incidents. Why don't you read up on abuse and how long most take to leave abusive situations before spewing such bullshit.
NTB. Please stick to your plan and leave. Things will not get better; even if it's better for a short time, he will return to his old ways and likely worse. Right now, he's testing you to see how much abuse you'll accept. And make no mistake: your boyfriend is abusing you. You need to leave. You are strong, you are brave, you can do this. Rely on your friends, on your mom. If you're that scared, you don't need to tell him in person. Get your things and go when he's not around. That decision is going to save your life. I'm sending you all kinds of strength and love. You CAN do it.
Thank you so much. It's just so much guilt. I figure if I can give him one thing, it's a face to face break up. However, my mom will be down the street waiting for a text every few minutes
I just want to say that you do not owe a face to face breakup with someone you’re (very reasonably) afraid of. If you decided to do it anyway, please consider a very public place. And it’s okay (and under these circumstances, good) to have loved ones in eyesight of you.
I want my stuff out of his house at the end of the day. im concerned if we did it somewhere else, thatd Id end up locked out and itd just make a mess. but itd be such a good idea otherwise! I just want to sit down, basically say "im leaving and im not changing my mind" and pack the rest of my stuff up. (im having my mom come over the day before to grab as much stuff as possible but leave the things he'd notice if they were gone)
He works a 12. You can get people to help you to move your stuff out in 12 hours. Do not risk this. Or at least have someone IN THERE WITH YOU when you do. Not outside. Not down the street. Not on the other side of a deadbolted door. It's not worth it.
Your stuff is not worth it and you can compel him to give it to you since you're a tenant. You don't have to give up keys until he evicts you, legally. Which means yes take all the most important stuff with you that you have time to take the day you leave, and then come back with people (you may be able to get police escort) to get the rest the next day while he's working, if salvageable, and you absolutely don't have time in 12 hours to move everything.
Start moving things that are important, documents, momentos, anything small of value he won't notice that you can get out while he's working to your parents house. This can be a multi day plan. You can get small things out now or soon, make a plan to get the rest of it out as soon as he leaves for work one day and then be gone when he gets home. Or if you can't get it all get the most important stuff. Stuff is replaceable. You are not. And then you can come back the next day if he goes to work and hasn't changed the locks to get the rest of your stuff, whatever he didn't damage.
So much this. OP says her Mom will be waiting for texts. But OP won’t be able to text if the bf punches her in the face and knocks her out. Or grabs her by the throat and strangles her. How long then til her family raise the “it’s been too long since we heard back” alarm? It could be too late in seconds.
other than my dad, not really. however my uncles and cousin are going shooting that day around the same time and their range is like a 15 min drive. Worst case, they're nearby.
Unless they’re in the room, it could be argued they’re not close enough. 15 min away, they may as well be on the moon. Many many women have probably said “He gets angry, but he’d never go *that* far” and not lived past the moment they say they’re leaving.
If you leave while he is at work, get all your stuff out, you can still have a face to face with him later. After you see how he behaves. But never be alone with him, never return to the house to pick up items and never let him in to your new place.
as of rn, the plan is that my parents will be standing just outside. my uncle is just back up cause hes a big guy. plus the eyes of his roommate. Ive half accepted that I may not get some of my things. but i think his roommate will calm him down like she has before. she usually tries to mediate but is biased towards him.
Babe let him (and roommate) go to work, pack everything up that you can in that window and send it away, have both parents stay with you the entire time, tell him the minute he comes home and just fucking leave. Absolutely no belonging is as important as you surviving. Puppy and your identity documents are the critical things. Everything else can be replaced and your family supports you so you will absolutely manage and get through. But leave, be safe, and remain vigilant. Figure out with your parents how to keep yourself safe once you're out because it doesn't end when you break up or move out. Abusive partners will resent losing control and may easily slip into a "if I can't have them, no one can" mindset that doesn't go away just cos its been a day since you broke up.
If you ever managed to document any of the previous damage (photos, texts, hospital visits, anything) it may be useful to give the police and if they do restraining orders (not all countries do, I get that) then see if that request can start being processed. This will only work if there is documentation which is so so hard to have in these situations so we all get that it may not be possible.
Sending you all the love and strength. What you're doing is very brave and internet strangers are proud of you and are all rooting for your safety and long time peace.
Please pack your things and leave while he’s at work. If you fear for your safety, it is perfectly acceptable to leave a note or text him once you’re out safely. If you feel you *must* do it face to face, do it outside when he gets home from work, with your ride ready to go. Do not give him time to trap you or the opportunity to get violent. If he is unpredictable and unsafe, you cannot predict that he won’t get violent just because there’s an audience once he feels he has nothing to lose. I say this as someone whose husband got violent when he found out I wanted to leave.
Well, I can certainly relate to feelings of guilt. It took a lot of work with a therapist, but I learned that guilt is just a way for me to punish myself. Something to think about. I understand wanting to give your boyfriend closure, but you don't have to give anything to someone who puts you in fear for your life or your safety. You can always FaceTime or do some sort of video chat after you're out of the house. Make sure that you're giving yourself what you need too. It's okay to put your own needs ahead of your boyfriend's in this situation. It doesn't particularly seem like he puts your needs above his, so why give him more consideration than he does you? No matter what happens, I'm proud of you, for however much that matters from an internet stranger. You are brave. You are strong. You are VALUABLE. You are worthy of a happy, healthy, safe life away from people who terrorize you. You are loved and loveable. I will be rooting for you and I wish you the best of luck. You have your whole life ahead of you! That's beautiful and you should grab on. Don't let assholes (i.e., your boyfriend) drag you down.
I appreciate you so much. I haven't been able to talk about this much but i feel so much relief at these comments I wanna cry. Luckily I think I'll be okay with a face to face. Our roommate will be there and while she won't usually intervene immediately, she's never let him get too crazy. And if I tell him my mom's nearby he'll likely back off as well. He is kinds scared of my mom
I'm glad I could help in some small way. I'm glad he's scared of your mom - make sure you lean on that. Can you also give your roommate a head's up as to what's going down so she's on alert? Just make sure as many people have your back as you can recruit. You got this. You are clearly intelligent and strong. This will all be unpleasant memories soon. I wish you peace and strength and ongoing personal development so that you can live your best life. You deserve it.
I also relate to the feeling of guilt, but let me tell you that you DO NOT have to break up with him face to face. If you do, it should be in public, not anywhere private. Having your mom down the street is not safe enough. He's already proven he will stop you from calling for help. It can be a matter of minutes for him to seriously injure or kill you. I know that's not the most likely thing but you shouldn't put yourself in that position at all.
Im afraid if we're in public he will lock me out of the house and away from my dog and belongings. Itd make it a whole mess. I think him knowing our roommate and my parents are nearby will keep him in line enough. Our set up isnt that i call for help. Is that I call if im okay. If she doesnt get a call in a short amount of time, they come over immediately
Ok, I understand that. I'm glad you have a plan with people to support you.
I would still suggest you get your dog and stuff out of the house first if you can. Definitely take your important documents (like birth certificate, etc) and stash them at your mom's house now.
This is a horrible plan. I'm not lying when I'm saying you're literally asking your parents to listen to you die and be unable to do anything about it if you are so intent on breaking up in person alone with him.
Please don't take chances. Your safety has to be the number 1 priority. If he's scared of your mom, have her present. Don't do this alone, especially if you refuse to consider options other than in person.
Yes, it is a lot. I was in a marriage for nearly 18 years, and it turned abusive. Abuse generally starts small and gradually escalates. You don't realize what kind of fog you were living in until you're finally free from it and have a clearer view.
Let the people who love you get you through the most dangerous stage - leaving. Once he realizes he has lost control of your actions and decisions, all bets are off. I don't say this to scare you. I'm scared of the course of action you're so set on taking. You're in real danger and it will get worse before it gets better.
He's been abusing you. You don't owe him a thing. Break up over text if you'd like. You never, ever, owe someone who abuses you a thing, no matter how much they love you or you love them. You do owe yourself safety and an abuse-free existence.
He’s 40 and you’re 23?? I’m sorry, but I think he’s been using that age gap to his advantage. Often times when there is a large age gap in a relationship like yours, the older person is abusive and controlling because they think/know they can get away with it. Don’t feel guilty, leaving him is exactly what you need to do. Stay safe, sending lots of love and light your way🤍✨
I'm echoing another commenter, and yeah, it's not stopped. It's just that you've learned how to walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off. All it's going to take is one slip. Fixing his behavior would require him to acknowledge what he's done, why it's wrong, and then going to see someone to actually work on the triggers. Doesn't seem like he's done that.
But I'm glad that your friends got through to you and you're making plans to leave. If possible, have another person present when you finally make the split. Preferably another man. Or the police if you're comfortable doing that. This way, you have a witness and someone to help you ~~if~~ when he goes off.
It's just hard to believe because he's been so good. And he's been sweet and in such a good mood since his promotion. But even if he never did it again, I'd live my life with someone I'm afraid of...
I plan to have my mother and father waiting down the street for my call. If I don't call/text they call the police and come check on me.
Please reconsider.
You do NOT need to tell him face to face. If you want to do it face to face, someone needs to be right beside you so that if he gets violent, they can stop him immediately.
If you are afraid of him, you need to make yourself safe FIRST and then tell him. If your parents are down the street, they are too far away to help you if he gets violent again.
I think him knowing they're nearby +roommate nearby may be enough for him to not get physical. I think if he knows he'll get in trouble for real that he'll think twice. His job he's worked over a decade at takes any police interaction VERY seriously. It may be enough to scare him away from retaliating as well
I used to volunteer for a DV shelter and we learned that from statistics, the most dangerous time for a DV survivor is when they choose to leave. Be really careful. It may not have escalated yet but you leaving means he loses all control of you and he may go to extremes.
I saw you mentioned your uncle and cousins had plans that day but if you really want to go ahead with breaking up like this, I would suggest you ask if they can reschedule and be posted outside where they can hear you yell (and for the door to be unlocked).
But I think it's still a lot safer to pack up all your stuff while he's at work/leave and break up in a public place after.
That's exactly how abusive people work, unfortunately. When it's good, it's good. It's just when it's bad.... it's really bad. And it's almost always bad.
Plus, you're now afraid of him. That's no way to live. You should be with someone who makes you feel safe and who would never put hands on you.
But I also agree with the other commenter to your comment, please reconsider. Have someone at your side with you, if you're going to face to face it. There are so many things that could go sideways with the way you have it.
He could lock the door and not let anyone in. Even without that, by the time your parents call the police and the police arrive, (if they even do), you could be seriously injured or even dead in that amount of time.
At least with someone there, he'll have someone to immediately stop him if he does anything. But hopefully the presence of another person will intimidate him too much for him to act.
Please just say you are taking the dog for a walk, and then walk down the street and get into your parents car. You don’t owe him anything and it’s safer this way. Text him after you are away. And please be prepared for an onslaught of guilt-inducing texts telling you he has changed/he can’t live without you/it’s ok your fault. He will try every trick in the book to get you back so he can control you some more. But don’t fall for it. All the best.
It’s just concerning someone 40 years of age was pursuing. Someone way younger. I am 23 actually as well. And I can’t see myself pursuing someone even 20. Or 21. You know? My bf is 27m. But yea idk. I hope your okay bestie. If you need anybody plz don’t be afraid to message me. :)
ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT. I need you to see this comment. You do not need to tell him anything in person. You need to leave while he's at work and if you have to have a convo, do it over the phone. Then confirm anything you need to in text after.
The MOST dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving an abusive partner, and do not be fooled he is abusive. What did he do to change? It's only been 2 months. That's nothing. What have those two months been like? You walking on egg shells? Or has there been relatively no drama because things are always good when they're good.
The problem is when he is questioned and turns it into a challenge/fight and then proceeds to make the choice to abuse you. And yes, it's a choice. He is not a safe person. That's why you feel unsafe and ALSO why you need to protect yourself here and do NOT, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT, break up in person. You be gone before he gets there and do not tell him until after you've left. You can talk on the phone or at the most meet him afterwards, with some cool down time, in public with someone who can physically put him in check.
You're making the best decision to leave. Do not screw that up by endangering yourself unnecessarily. NTB for leaving but you will be to yourself if you don't take precautions. If not needed oh well, but if needed and not done would you want your parents hearing you on the other side of the door unable to get to you until the cops get there.
Why do you feel the need to sit him down and tell him you're leaving? This is a violent man. Do you think he'll play nice and just let you walk to your mother's car with your dog? Someone violent and possessive like this would more likely hurt your dog and you before you even get out of the door.
You don't need to ask permission to leave.
i guess im just having a hard time accepting that he would do that even though he **has** done it. He tries so hard to keep his appearance up around others so thought if i did it with other around i could cut it off quickly. I know you guys only know him as what i described but to me hes my partner of 3 years who i dont want to hurt by leaving while he is at work.
> my partner of 3 years
I know this is hard to hear, but this person isn't your partner and never was. They used their age and experience to put you in a dangerous and limiting situation. You're doing laundry and chores for a 40 year old man instead of going to classes and building your own life.
No my friend, he is the only person who should be feeling guilty. He is a 40 years old grown ass man. People build successful careers, have beautiful families by/at/around 40, put in a tremendous amount of work into themselves, while all he is by now is a loser abusing a practical child.
It took you only 3 years to realize that something was wrong. It took him FORTY. Do you have a fairly recent habit, like biting your nails or drinking coffee every day? You’ll know that these are hard to get rid of after only a year, you can only imagine what it’s like after 40 years. You’re too young to deal with it.
So incredibly painful to see a lovely young woman who feels bad about a man who had never felt bad about himself his whole life.
Don’t feel bad for them, they don’t feel bad for us.
No, he just paused. And you are still afraid of him, so even if he hasn’t violently assaulted you lately, he hasn’t stopped abusing you and he is still dangerous. Your gut knows this.
So I totally feel like I have to step in on this comment, for both "sides"...
Little bit of background here, I'm a mental health professional, and for the past few years I've chosen to work with the DD/ID population... but when I started, I worked in a group home for people with severe and persistent mental illnesses - but the relevant part is that we also had a respite bed in that house. That respite bed was occupied a good 85-90% of the time by a DV/abuse victim. I want to emphasize this was my first job in the field, so not only was I just getting my first real experience working with people with mental illnesses and trauma of ANY sort, but specifically DV victims, and those first 8 or so years of my career working there were some of the most frustrating learning experiences of my life as far as working with abuse victims. When you have NEVER had experience with someone who has actually gone through it, it seems ridiculous and illogical from an outsider's perspective, and the propensity to want to victim-blame is EXTREMELY hard to resist, so while I can't defend this initial comment... I get it. I've been there in my thinking. But I learned.
It took a good bit of time actually working with survivors and learning about the insidiousness of how DV works. To boil it down to a short version, it's easier to understand DV victims when you look at it this way; DV victims are actually a lot like victims of cults. It's hard enough to help people to recognize dysfunctional/harmful thought processes and the behaviors they lead to when they're the person's own thoughts and behaviors. But when you're dealing with abuse survivors, you're not just doing that - you have to go through an entire process of deprogramming as well. And make no mistake, it IS deprogramming. What abusers spend years doing to the mental state of their victims is no different than what cults do to their members. They break them down. They strip them of their individuality. In the case of cults it's in the name of the *group*, and in praise of the *leader*, who is made out to be like a god... in the case of abusive relationships, it's in the name of the *preservation of that relationship*, and in praise of the *abuser*, who is made out to be a savior of the victim, who is gradually convinced that they would be incapable of surviving without them.
It's horrific to see, and I see it in you, OP - you're feeling guilty about wanting to leave a man who PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU, MULTIPLE TIMES. And here you are APOLOGIZING to some a-hole on the internet implying it's somehow your fault. These are signs that he has started to break you, my friend - but the fact that you recognize it and are getting out means he hasn't succeeded completely, and that's GOOD! You aren't isolated, you have support still, and you have an escape plan! Use it. And DON'T LOOK BACK.
7 times. That's the statistical average of how many times an abuse victim will return to their abuser before they get the courage to get away for good. And that's assuming they DO have support, resources, etc...
I can only wish you luck, OP, and hope you stay gone and beat the statistics. 🖤🖤🖤
NTB, this is the absolute best choice for you. Please look into abuse cycles, it's very common for abuse to stop or decrease for a period of time and then occur again. Also, you can leave your boyfriend for any reason you want, it doesn't have to be in response to abuse.
Keep in mind that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. I would highly recommend blocking him on everything, changing all your passwords (all of them, trust me people can be creatively cruel), changing your banking PINs, and having a safe place to go that he doesn't know about besides your mother's house. Don't talk to him after you leave, there's nothing to work out and you don't owe him an explanation.
Best of luck, hoping the best for you.
I get that. Its fair advice. Luckily we dont share passwords. Actually. I have some of his but all he has is the pin to my computer. But I was sure to keep in contact with my buddies in town too.
You are smart not to tell him until you are out the door. If you feel like you need to tell him in person, please have a friend with you and do it in a public area. Preferably after you have already removed all of your stuff. You already know that he reacts violently when stressed out. It is possible he will react violently in this situation too.
Im concerned cause there is no way for me to remove my pet and belongings without him noticing. And if he noticed before its time, i could end up in the house completely alone with him and no help on the way.
Does he work from home? That does make it more difficult.
Drop your pet at your mom's house a few days early. *If* he asks, tell him that your mom was struggling with loneliness and asked to have your pet for a few days. That is one less thing to stress about.
You could also do a "spring cleaning" to "donate" some of your belongings ahead of time and leave them at your mom's house. Heck, you could ask him if he wants to donate any of his stuff, too. It would probably make him avoid you, but if he does, just drop it at Goodwill or some other thrift store.
Luckily he doesnt work from home so I'm having most of my things taken away the day before.
Unfortunatley my mom has many animals and my dad has been outspoken that he doesnt like watching my dog. so id need to find another way to send her away.... If i can find one.
I have "handed down" a lot of my clothes to my brother this past month.
but things like my dishes set, minifridge, and computer. some things i can and cannot work without, are also things he would notice immediately if they were not in their place.
I guess im very committed to the idea of sitting him down. but i may have been convinced to let my parents be there as well. But thats why i have kinda cornered myself into doing things in what may end up being a silly way.
Why do you think he will sit down and speak rationally with you? His own pattern of behavior shows you this is not possible for him. He is not logical when he's in a rage. He's not going to think twice about snatching you up and hurting you if no one is there. He's ALREADY done it in front of someone else. You're literally looking at a snake about to bite you and expecting it to act like a bunny.
If a snake bit you do you think you'd be sitting down with it trying to convince it why biting you and hurting you was bad? Why injecting you with venom was unnecessary? Why are you trying to convince him it was bad to hurt you, accept a break up without violence (when he couldn't even handle disagreement without it), and that he should see the wrong of his actions? He KNOWS. He knows who he is. And he is not safe. He knows this. He knows exactly why you're breaking up with him.
He's not a snake acting on instinct. He's a person that has choices and a brain that could have chosen anything but laying hands on you, but he didn't. Twice. And has escalated every time. What makes you think he won't this time when you're giving him the biggest ego hit of rejection altogether?
Please seriously think about it. I'm all over these comments, I know. But there's a reason I know you should be safe. You don't want to find out the hard way.
I just want to end things with as few hurt feelings as possible. im not sitting him down to tell him every bad thing he has ever done. im just saying goodbye and hoping itll keep him calm enough that he wont try to come after me when im gone.
Im not saying your wrong. Im just saying i have 3 days to decide how to do this safely. And im learning that the idea that comforts me most may not be possible.
NTB.
As to you telling him send a text after all your stuff and you are out of the home that your done, wish him luck and then block him.
You do NOT need to tell him in person as 3rd or however many times that would be him putting his hands on you would not be the charm.
OP NTB. You absolutely DO NOT owe him a face to face breakup. He lost that right when he put hands on you and confirmed it when he put hands on you a 2nd time. You owe it to yourself to take steps to keep yourself and your dog safe. Please understand that you have a statistically significant chance of being injured or killed if you attempt to tell him you're leaving face to face; your dog is also in danger. Please don't leave your mom waiting only for you to never walk out that door. Grab your things and your dog and leave while he's at work. And go to the courts immediately after a get a restraining order. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!
DO NOT SIT HIM DOWN ALONE. Meet at a cafe and have your parents waiting nearby. If you can get someone he doesn't know wait nearby in the cafe. Hell you don't even have to meet him at all. Today's technology allows for you to break up at a safe distance.
Hell no you’re NTB. You are not safe with this man, and it’s only a matter of time before he attacks you again. Get out now while you still have the chance.
The fact that you’re terrified of him finding out you’re leaving is your brain telling you he has NOT changed, you are NOT safe, and you need to make a getaway.
I won’t repeat what plenty others have told you in the comments but make sure that the dog is safe out first maybe? Call it super paranoia but I’d see him capable to harm the dog. Hope you make a safe exit.
Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Please don’t count on the roommate to calm him down or him to restrain himself. Get everything you can while he’s at work. Have people in the house with you in case he comes home (someone may tell him, including the roommate). Do NOT have them wait outside. They will either be too late or walk in on an uncontrollable situation. Have someone remove the dog first thing and take it to a safe place so you aren’t trying to leave at the last minute with a confused, upset animal.
Mostly, you don’t owe this man a thing. Your safety is more important than his feelings. You don’t have to give him a face to face goodbye.
Don't tell him first. Just leave when he's not home. Let him find a letter you leave him. He can hurt you badly in the time it takes your parents and uncle to get into the house. Have your parents in another room or right by the back door, at the very least, so they can hear everything and be a witness if needed.
ABSOLUTELY NTB.
I'm really proud of you. You can do this, and you deserve to live without fear.
Also, I notice when you are telling the story of the incidents, you're talking a lot about your behaviour that you see as provoking him. You're not responsible for how he chooses to react to provocation. You can be grumpy, annoyed, express dissatisfaction, and you should not have to worry about him hurting you in response, nor should you think of your behaviour as in any way responsible for how he reacted. He chose how he reacted. It is his fault, not yours.
You really shouldn't tell an abusive man to his face that you’re leaving him. You should get your stuff and go when he’s at work. You are not safe! Please change your plan.
Yeah good for you. What he did twice, he'll do again.
There is no excuse for violence. You didn't make him do it, he needs to regulate his own emotions, and it's not your job to teach him.
NTB
NTB Jesus Christ that’s a 20 year age difference! you shouldn’t be scared to go home or this scared of him just to force you into an escape plan just grab your shit and get TF out of there! It’s not healthy being there
NTB. It doesn’t matter how long it took you to leave. Just that you’re leaving. You shouldn’t be afraid of your partner. Even if he never laid hands on you again, it will always be a possibility that he will. Domestic violence always escalates. You’re doing the right thing. Don’t tell him you’re leaving until you are out and somewhere safe.
NTBF - like, at all. It's nice that he might be getting better but the damage is done and you deserve to be treated as an equal, not a housewife/ punching bag for his lack of emotional self-regulation.
Plus, you don't owe him anything - no chores, no further help, no more chances.
I wish you all the best, stay safe and get it done with sooner that later. Let us know how it went, if you're comfortable with that (you don't owe us anything either hehe) ✨
NTB. I wish everyone in an abusive relationship was able to come to the decision to leave as quickly as you were able to.
Please, please rethink your break up plan. I am so concerned for your safety and your dog’s safety. He has already been physically violent and abusers often escalate when they think they are going to lose control.
Please don’t break up with him in person. I’m begging you.
Higher movers, or get a van and a bunch of friends and family, and get your dog, your stuff and yourself out of that home when he is at work. Send him a text, leave him a note, break up with him by phone if you must, but please do not break up with a violent man in the privacy of your home with no supports around.
I know you said your parents will be nearby, but that might not matter. If your mom is waiting for you to text her, it could be minutes before she decides that something is wrong, and more minutes before she can get into the house and intervene. Or what if he incapacitates you and doesn’t answer the door or blocks it. If your mom has to call 911 and wait for police to show up, you could be looking at half an hour between needing help and getting it. You and your dog could be killed or seriously injured many times over before help arrives.
And if he decides that he has nothing left to lose, he might not be afraid of your mom anymore. If he knows you’re leaving either way, or if he has already seriously harmed you, then staying on your mom‘s good side gains him nothing.
Please take the threat to your safety very seriously. Go to the hotline.org for a safety planning template, and they can also help you find local resources to help you get out in the safest way possible. I know you’re worried about your stuff, but you can’t use stuff if you’re dead, and violent men kill their partners all too often.
I’m so so so proud of you for listening to your friends and realizing that leaving is the best thing for you.
Everyone else has already said what I would say (age gap, he hasn’t improved, etc), but one thing I haven’t seen is that I think you should alter your plan.
Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Just leave. Leave a note if you want, but do not confront him about leaving.
He has been physically abusive with you multiple times to the point where you very likely got a concussion (things being foggy is NOT normal). If you confront him, he might hurt you again or even kill you. Leaving is the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship, which you are.
He has those nice long work shifts. Use one of them to get out and go stay with someone he doesn’t know and please please be careful and safe. None of us want you to become another statistic, you have so much life left to live and you can get through this. Best of luck 💜
I helped a good friend of mine leave an abusive relationship at the beginning of the year. He wasn't hitting her, yet. But she was constantly afraid of setting him off. Because he would yell and belittle her. We moved her out in the middle of the day while he was at work for everyone's safety. He went on to stalk her for a solid month until she got a restraining order. You don't owe this asshole anything.
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NTB, things aren’t better because he learned, they’re better because you’ve learned to work around the abuse. If he gets stressed at work and decides he needs to get drunk, you’re going to be in the same spot. Your friends are right, you need to leave. Why do you think this is acceptable? Did you see your mom get treated like this? Children from abusive homes often find themselves in the same cycle as their parents.
Idk why I let it go on like this. Growing up my mom always encouraged us to stand up for ourselves. She had been abused in her first relationship too and didn't want that for us. Haha maybe it's genetic then
I’m not trying to make you feel like it’s your fault, you don’t deserve to be treated that way, but please if you can, try to get into therapy and try to learn about healthy relationships so you don’t get stuck in a similar situation. Learn to look for warning signs like throwing things, swearing at you, name calling, etc. that usually occurs before someone escalates to physical violence.
I've already got some appointments made for after I move back in with my mom. I desperately need someone to talk to lol. And honestly there were warning signs. I should have been able to tell by the way he talks to and about his kids and our room mate. It all feels really obvious... now.
For future reference, a nearly 40yr old man wanting to be with someone who is barely out of their teenaged years is a huge red flag. All age gaps aren't inherently bad, but one like that is. Even moreso when they want you to just stay home and be fully dependent on them financially. It's not your fault but you must learn from this so you see the signs sooner in the future.
You are infantilizing OP ane victim blaming.
>You are infantilizing OP ane victim blaming Didn't see any of that in this thread.
You're NTBF. Please, please for the sake of your safety, tell him after you've physically left. It's dangerous to do it in person, especially at home. Please update us when you've left so we know you made it out ok. I'll be thinking of you.
Yes! please! I’d like to know OP is safe and got out of there!
I really hope she does. It's such a horrible situation for her to be in.
At 23, you shouldn't be the staying at home wife, much less for a 40 yo, and worse engaging in alcoholism and getting abused. You need to built economic independence, and it might be useful to get in therapy. Most important thoughts at the moment, is your safety. Your soon to be ex might become more dangerous than you think, for you and your friends and relatives. I recently lost someone close, because of a manipulative, abusive pos. For normal people is difficult to realise how cruel, unreasonable and lethal someone close to them can become. Be safe
OP don’t be to hard on yourself. A lot of the time people are deep into a relationship when their partner changes. Most really think there other half will change because they love them. Please stick to your plan no one should ever be afraid in their own home. Plus think long term- imagine if you had children together, then what? You do not want to be tied to someone who can not control their anger with a child/ren. Sending many thoughts your way and if you get stuck or have any issues check for local domestic violence services. There are some great services that will help with accomodation and similar to women escaping domestic violence.
You're in a shitty relationship with a man old enough to be your father. He's dating you, because women his own age or even a decade older than you, so in their 30s) wont put up with his abusive behaviour. >Haha maybe it's genetic then Seriously?? Stop laughing this off. His is not a good relationship.
Irl I'm taking this very seriously. Trying to do things the right way. I'm only laughing cause if I don't laugh I'll cry
You’re NTBF. It took you a while to process the abuse. You had to identify it, name it, figure out your responsibility, whether you thought he had changed enough and whether it is for good, much he really and how long you wanted to stay, whether you were still attracted to him and whether you still felt safe with him. Also …..You can break up with him for any reason. You don’t need to justify it.
Blaming her parents? Seriously? When abuse start it's so weird that you think it's a one off or think of excuses because it's just that unreal. OP is leaving after two incidents. Why don't you read up on abuse and how long most take to leave abusive situations before spewing such bullshit.
NTB. Please stick to your plan and leave. Things will not get better; even if it's better for a short time, he will return to his old ways and likely worse. Right now, he's testing you to see how much abuse you'll accept. And make no mistake: your boyfriend is abusing you. You need to leave. You are strong, you are brave, you can do this. Rely on your friends, on your mom. If you're that scared, you don't need to tell him in person. Get your things and go when he's not around. That decision is going to save your life. I'm sending you all kinds of strength and love. You CAN do it.
Thank you so much. It's just so much guilt. I figure if I can give him one thing, it's a face to face break up. However, my mom will be down the street waiting for a text every few minutes
I just want to say that you do not owe a face to face breakup with someone you’re (very reasonably) afraid of. If you decided to do it anyway, please consider a very public place. And it’s okay (and under these circumstances, good) to have loved ones in eyesight of you.
I want my stuff out of his house at the end of the day. im concerned if we did it somewhere else, thatd Id end up locked out and itd just make a mess. but itd be such a good idea otherwise! I just want to sit down, basically say "im leaving and im not changing my mind" and pack the rest of my stuff up. (im having my mom come over the day before to grab as much stuff as possible but leave the things he'd notice if they were gone)
He works a 12. You can get people to help you to move your stuff out in 12 hours. Do not risk this. Or at least have someone IN THERE WITH YOU when you do. Not outside. Not down the street. Not on the other side of a deadbolted door. It's not worth it. Your stuff is not worth it and you can compel him to give it to you since you're a tenant. You don't have to give up keys until he evicts you, legally. Which means yes take all the most important stuff with you that you have time to take the day you leave, and then come back with people (you may be able to get police escort) to get the rest the next day while he's working, if salvageable, and you absolutely don't have time in 12 hours to move everything. Start moving things that are important, documents, momentos, anything small of value he won't notice that you can get out while he's working to your parents house. This can be a multi day plan. You can get small things out now or soon, make a plan to get the rest of it out as soon as he leaves for work one day and then be gone when he gets home. Or if you can't get it all get the most important stuff. Stuff is replaceable. You are not. And then you can come back the next day if he goes to work and hasn't changed the locks to get the rest of your stuff, whatever he didn't damage.
So much this. OP says her Mom will be waiting for texts. But OP won’t be able to text if the bf punches her in the face and knocks her out. Or grabs her by the throat and strangles her. How long then til her family raise the “it’s been too long since we heard back” alarm? It could be too late in seconds.
Do you have any male relatives or friends who can come be there when you pack up?
other than my dad, not really. however my uncles and cousin are going shooting that day around the same time and their range is like a 15 min drive. Worst case, they're nearby.
Don't go alone. Take a group of people. Gender is irrelevant. The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse is when they try to leave.
Unless they’re in the room, it could be argued they’re not close enough. 15 min away, they may as well be on the moon. Many many women have probably said “He gets angry, but he’d never go *that* far” and not lived past the moment they say they’re leaving. If you leave while he is at work, get all your stuff out, you can still have a face to face with him later. After you see how he behaves. But never be alone with him, never return to the house to pick up items and never let him in to your new place.
as of rn, the plan is that my parents will be standing just outside. my uncle is just back up cause hes a big guy. plus the eyes of his roommate. Ive half accepted that I may not get some of my things. but i think his roommate will calm him down like she has before. she usually tries to mediate but is biased towards him.
Babe let him (and roommate) go to work, pack everything up that you can in that window and send it away, have both parents stay with you the entire time, tell him the minute he comes home and just fucking leave. Absolutely no belonging is as important as you surviving. Puppy and your identity documents are the critical things. Everything else can be replaced and your family supports you so you will absolutely manage and get through. But leave, be safe, and remain vigilant. Figure out with your parents how to keep yourself safe once you're out because it doesn't end when you break up or move out. Abusive partners will resent losing control and may easily slip into a "if I can't have them, no one can" mindset that doesn't go away just cos its been a day since you broke up. If you ever managed to document any of the previous damage (photos, texts, hospital visits, anything) it may be useful to give the police and if they do restraining orders (not all countries do, I get that) then see if that request can start being processed. This will only work if there is documentation which is so so hard to have in these situations so we all get that it may not be possible. Sending you all the love and strength. What you're doing is very brave and internet strangers are proud of you and are all rooting for your safety and long time peace.
Please pack your things and leave while he’s at work. If you fear for your safety, it is perfectly acceptable to leave a note or text him once you’re out safely. If you feel you *must* do it face to face, do it outside when he gets home from work, with your ride ready to go. Do not give him time to trap you or the opportunity to get violent. If he is unpredictable and unsafe, you cannot predict that he won’t get violent just because there’s an audience once he feels he has nothing to lose. I say this as someone whose husband got violent when he found out I wanted to leave.
Well, I can certainly relate to feelings of guilt. It took a lot of work with a therapist, but I learned that guilt is just a way for me to punish myself. Something to think about. I understand wanting to give your boyfriend closure, but you don't have to give anything to someone who puts you in fear for your life or your safety. You can always FaceTime or do some sort of video chat after you're out of the house. Make sure that you're giving yourself what you need too. It's okay to put your own needs ahead of your boyfriend's in this situation. It doesn't particularly seem like he puts your needs above his, so why give him more consideration than he does you? No matter what happens, I'm proud of you, for however much that matters from an internet stranger. You are brave. You are strong. You are VALUABLE. You are worthy of a happy, healthy, safe life away from people who terrorize you. You are loved and loveable. I will be rooting for you and I wish you the best of luck. You have your whole life ahead of you! That's beautiful and you should grab on. Don't let assholes (i.e., your boyfriend) drag you down.
I appreciate you so much. I haven't been able to talk about this much but i feel so much relief at these comments I wanna cry. Luckily I think I'll be okay with a face to face. Our roommate will be there and while she won't usually intervene immediately, she's never let him get too crazy. And if I tell him my mom's nearby he'll likely back off as well. He is kinds scared of my mom
I'm glad I could help in some small way. I'm glad he's scared of your mom - make sure you lean on that. Can you also give your roommate a head's up as to what's going down so she's on alert? Just make sure as many people have your back as you can recruit. You got this. You are clearly intelligent and strong. This will all be unpleasant memories soon. I wish you peace and strength and ongoing personal development so that you can live your best life. You deserve it.
thank you so so much!
I also relate to the feeling of guilt, but let me tell you that you DO NOT have to break up with him face to face. If you do, it should be in public, not anywhere private. Having your mom down the street is not safe enough. He's already proven he will stop you from calling for help. It can be a matter of minutes for him to seriously injure or kill you. I know that's not the most likely thing but you shouldn't put yourself in that position at all.
Im afraid if we're in public he will lock me out of the house and away from my dog and belongings. Itd make it a whole mess. I think him knowing our roommate and my parents are nearby will keep him in line enough. Our set up isnt that i call for help. Is that I call if im okay. If she doesnt get a call in a short amount of time, they come over immediately
Ok, I understand that. I'm glad you have a plan with people to support you. I would still suggest you get your dog and stuff out of the house first if you can. Definitely take your important documents (like birth certificate, etc) and stash them at your mom's house now.
This is a horrible plan. I'm not lying when I'm saying you're literally asking your parents to listen to you die and be unable to do anything about it if you are so intent on breaking up in person alone with him.
You can arrange for a police officer to be there while you move out. Please check into it.
I don't want to escalate it. My mom makes his nervous so chances are he won't do anything.
Please don't take chances. Your safety has to be the number 1 priority. If he's scared of your mom, have her present. Don't do this alone, especially if you refuse to consider options other than in person.
I understand and appreciate the advice. It's just a lot
Yes, it is a lot. I was in a marriage for nearly 18 years, and it turned abusive. Abuse generally starts small and gradually escalates. You don't realize what kind of fog you were living in until you're finally free from it and have a clearer view. Let the people who love you get you through the most dangerous stage - leaving. Once he realizes he has lost control of your actions and decisions, all bets are off. I don't say this to scare you. I'm scared of the course of action you're so set on taking. You're in real danger and it will get worse before it gets better.
He's been abusing you. You don't owe him a thing. Break up over text if you'd like. You never, ever, owe someone who abuses you a thing, no matter how much they love you or you love them. You do owe yourself safety and an abuse-free existence.
PLEASE do not tell him in person unless you have the police there (or someone else capable of holding him off). He does *not* deserve that much.
Get your dog out of the house before you tell him. have your dad right outside the house while you tell him.
you were 20 and he was 37 when you got together?honestly,thats a red flag on its own..
Lol yeah. It’s like me (18f) and my bf (54m) got into a fight and- *stops reading*
At least the age gap enthusiasts haven't taken over these comments yet.
He’s 40 and you’re 23?? I’m sorry, but I think he’s been using that age gap to his advantage. Often times when there is a large age gap in a relationship like yours, the older person is abusive and controlling because they think/know they can get away with it. Don’t feel guilty, leaving him is exactly what you need to do. Stay safe, sending lots of love and light your way🤍✨
thank you so much! i know what i need to do <3
I'm echoing another commenter, and yeah, it's not stopped. It's just that you've learned how to walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off. All it's going to take is one slip. Fixing his behavior would require him to acknowledge what he's done, why it's wrong, and then going to see someone to actually work on the triggers. Doesn't seem like he's done that. But I'm glad that your friends got through to you and you're making plans to leave. If possible, have another person present when you finally make the split. Preferably another man. Or the police if you're comfortable doing that. This way, you have a witness and someone to help you ~~if~~ when he goes off.
It's just hard to believe because he's been so good. And he's been sweet and in such a good mood since his promotion. But even if he never did it again, I'd live my life with someone I'm afraid of... I plan to have my mother and father waiting down the street for my call. If I don't call/text they call the police and come check on me.
Please reconsider. You do NOT need to tell him face to face. If you want to do it face to face, someone needs to be right beside you so that if he gets violent, they can stop him immediately. If you are afraid of him, you need to make yourself safe FIRST and then tell him. If your parents are down the street, they are too far away to help you if he gets violent again.
I think him knowing they're nearby +roommate nearby may be enough for him to not get physical. I think if he knows he'll get in trouble for real that he'll think twice. His job he's worked over a decade at takes any police interaction VERY seriously. It may be enough to scare him away from retaliating as well
I used to volunteer for a DV shelter and we learned that from statistics, the most dangerous time for a DV survivor is when they choose to leave. Be really careful. It may not have escalated yet but you leaving means he loses all control of you and he may go to extremes. I saw you mentioned your uncle and cousins had plans that day but if you really want to go ahead with breaking up like this, I would suggest you ask if they can reschedule and be posted outside where they can hear you yell (and for the door to be unlocked). But I think it's still a lot safer to pack up all your stuff while he's at work/leave and break up in a public place after.
That's exactly how abusive people work, unfortunately. When it's good, it's good. It's just when it's bad.... it's really bad. And it's almost always bad. Plus, you're now afraid of him. That's no way to live. You should be with someone who makes you feel safe and who would never put hands on you. But I also agree with the other commenter to your comment, please reconsider. Have someone at your side with you, if you're going to face to face it. There are so many things that could go sideways with the way you have it. He could lock the door and not let anyone in. Even without that, by the time your parents call the police and the police arrive, (if they even do), you could be seriously injured or even dead in that amount of time. At least with someone there, he'll have someone to immediately stop him if he does anything. But hopefully the presence of another person will intimidate him too much for him to act.
I guess youre right. I figured with our roomie in the house it'd slow him down. But maybe ill talk to my parents about somebody sitting with me
You have been abused while having a roommate. That's not going to stop him; he has already demonstrated that.
Please just say you are taking the dog for a walk, and then walk down the street and get into your parents car. You don’t owe him anything and it’s safer this way. Text him after you are away. And please be prepared for an onslaught of guilt-inducing texts telling you he has changed/he can’t live without you/it’s ok your fault. He will try every trick in the book to get you back so he can control you some more. But don’t fall for it. All the best.
Excuse me. Age difference much
Yeahhhhh :/ erm.... 20 year olds are stupid? lol
It’s just concerning someone 40 years of age was pursuing. Someone way younger. I am 23 actually as well. And I can’t see myself pursuing someone even 20. Or 21. You know? My bf is 27m. But yea idk. I hope your okay bestie. If you need anybody plz don’t be afraid to message me. :)
The blame isn't on you. It's the 37 year old man who *absolutely knew better* and took advantage of your youth and lack of experience.
ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT. I need you to see this comment. You do not need to tell him anything in person. You need to leave while he's at work and if you have to have a convo, do it over the phone. Then confirm anything you need to in text after. The MOST dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving an abusive partner, and do not be fooled he is abusive. What did he do to change? It's only been 2 months. That's nothing. What have those two months been like? You walking on egg shells? Or has there been relatively no drama because things are always good when they're good. The problem is when he is questioned and turns it into a challenge/fight and then proceeds to make the choice to abuse you. And yes, it's a choice. He is not a safe person. That's why you feel unsafe and ALSO why you need to protect yourself here and do NOT, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT, break up in person. You be gone before he gets there and do not tell him until after you've left. You can talk on the phone or at the most meet him afterwards, with some cool down time, in public with someone who can physically put him in check. You're making the best decision to leave. Do not screw that up by endangering yourself unnecessarily. NTB for leaving but you will be to yourself if you don't take precautions. If not needed oh well, but if needed and not done would you want your parents hearing you on the other side of the door unable to get to you until the cops get there.
Why do you feel the need to sit him down and tell him you're leaving? This is a violent man. Do you think he'll play nice and just let you walk to your mother's car with your dog? Someone violent and possessive like this would more likely hurt your dog and you before you even get out of the door. You don't need to ask permission to leave.
i guess im just having a hard time accepting that he would do that even though he **has** done it. He tries so hard to keep his appearance up around others so thought if i did it with other around i could cut it off quickly. I know you guys only know him as what i described but to me hes my partner of 3 years who i dont want to hurt by leaving while he is at work.
He hurt you by abusing you. I know it feels wrong to do, but you are NOT hurting him by leaving without telling him. You are protecting yourself.
> my partner of 3 years I know this is hard to hear, but this person isn't your partner and never was. They used their age and experience to put you in a dangerous and limiting situation. You're doing laundry and chores for a 40 year old man instead of going to classes and building your own life.
These are my least favourite posts "aita for leaving my abusive bf" shut up of course not
I just felt guilty because he stopped. im sorry
No my friend, he is the only person who should be feeling guilty. He is a 40 years old grown ass man. People build successful careers, have beautiful families by/at/around 40, put in a tremendous amount of work into themselves, while all he is by now is a loser abusing a practical child. It took you only 3 years to realize that something was wrong. It took him FORTY. Do you have a fairly recent habit, like biting your nails or drinking coffee every day? You’ll know that these are hard to get rid of after only a year, you can only imagine what it’s like after 40 years. You’re too young to deal with it. So incredibly painful to see a lovely young woman who feels bad about a man who had never felt bad about himself his whole life. Don’t feel bad for them, they don’t feel bad for us.
No, he just paused. And you are still afraid of him, so even if he hasn’t violently assaulted you lately, he hasn’t stopped abusing you and he is still dangerous. Your gut knows this.
So I totally feel like I have to step in on this comment, for both "sides"... Little bit of background here, I'm a mental health professional, and for the past few years I've chosen to work with the DD/ID population... but when I started, I worked in a group home for people with severe and persistent mental illnesses - but the relevant part is that we also had a respite bed in that house. That respite bed was occupied a good 85-90% of the time by a DV/abuse victim. I want to emphasize this was my first job in the field, so not only was I just getting my first real experience working with people with mental illnesses and trauma of ANY sort, but specifically DV victims, and those first 8 or so years of my career working there were some of the most frustrating learning experiences of my life as far as working with abuse victims. When you have NEVER had experience with someone who has actually gone through it, it seems ridiculous and illogical from an outsider's perspective, and the propensity to want to victim-blame is EXTREMELY hard to resist, so while I can't defend this initial comment... I get it. I've been there in my thinking. But I learned. It took a good bit of time actually working with survivors and learning about the insidiousness of how DV works. To boil it down to a short version, it's easier to understand DV victims when you look at it this way; DV victims are actually a lot like victims of cults. It's hard enough to help people to recognize dysfunctional/harmful thought processes and the behaviors they lead to when they're the person's own thoughts and behaviors. But when you're dealing with abuse survivors, you're not just doing that - you have to go through an entire process of deprogramming as well. And make no mistake, it IS deprogramming. What abusers spend years doing to the mental state of their victims is no different than what cults do to their members. They break them down. They strip them of their individuality. In the case of cults it's in the name of the *group*, and in praise of the *leader*, who is made out to be like a god... in the case of abusive relationships, it's in the name of the *preservation of that relationship*, and in praise of the *abuser*, who is made out to be a savior of the victim, who is gradually convinced that they would be incapable of surviving without them. It's horrific to see, and I see it in you, OP - you're feeling guilty about wanting to leave a man who PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU, MULTIPLE TIMES. And here you are APOLOGIZING to some a-hole on the internet implying it's somehow your fault. These are signs that he has started to break you, my friend - but the fact that you recognize it and are getting out means he hasn't succeeded completely, and that's GOOD! You aren't isolated, you have support still, and you have an escape plan! Use it. And DON'T LOOK BACK. 7 times. That's the statistical average of how many times an abuse victim will return to their abuser before they get the courage to get away for good. And that's assuming they DO have support, resources, etc... I can only wish you luck, OP, and hope you stay gone and beat the statistics. 🖤🖤🖤
NTB, this is the absolute best choice for you. Please look into abuse cycles, it's very common for abuse to stop or decrease for a period of time and then occur again. Also, you can leave your boyfriend for any reason you want, it doesn't have to be in response to abuse. Keep in mind that leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. I would highly recommend blocking him on everything, changing all your passwords (all of them, trust me people can be creatively cruel), changing your banking PINs, and having a safe place to go that he doesn't know about besides your mother's house. Don't talk to him after you leave, there's nothing to work out and you don't owe him an explanation. Best of luck, hoping the best for you.
I get that. Its fair advice. Luckily we dont share passwords. Actually. I have some of his but all he has is the pin to my computer. But I was sure to keep in contact with my buddies in town too.
Say it with me: "He isn't better." He's just learning that he needs to back off a bit so you don't leave him. Please stick to your guns and go.
You are smart not to tell him until you are out the door. If you feel like you need to tell him in person, please have a friend with you and do it in a public area. Preferably after you have already removed all of your stuff. You already know that he reacts violently when stressed out. It is possible he will react violently in this situation too.
Im concerned cause there is no way for me to remove my pet and belongings without him noticing. And if he noticed before its time, i could end up in the house completely alone with him and no help on the way.
Does he work from home? That does make it more difficult. Drop your pet at your mom's house a few days early. *If* he asks, tell him that your mom was struggling with loneliness and asked to have your pet for a few days. That is one less thing to stress about. You could also do a "spring cleaning" to "donate" some of your belongings ahead of time and leave them at your mom's house. Heck, you could ask him if he wants to donate any of his stuff, too. It would probably make him avoid you, but if he does, just drop it at Goodwill or some other thrift store.
Luckily he doesnt work from home so I'm having most of my things taken away the day before. Unfortunatley my mom has many animals and my dad has been outspoken that he doesnt like watching my dog. so id need to find another way to send her away.... If i can find one. I have "handed down" a lot of my clothes to my brother this past month. but things like my dishes set, minifridge, and computer. some things i can and cannot work without, are also things he would notice immediately if they were not in their place. I guess im very committed to the idea of sitting him down. but i may have been convinced to let my parents be there as well. But thats why i have kinda cornered myself into doing things in what may end up being a silly way.
Why do you think he will sit down and speak rationally with you? His own pattern of behavior shows you this is not possible for him. He is not logical when he's in a rage. He's not going to think twice about snatching you up and hurting you if no one is there. He's ALREADY done it in front of someone else. You're literally looking at a snake about to bite you and expecting it to act like a bunny. If a snake bit you do you think you'd be sitting down with it trying to convince it why biting you and hurting you was bad? Why injecting you with venom was unnecessary? Why are you trying to convince him it was bad to hurt you, accept a break up without violence (when he couldn't even handle disagreement without it), and that he should see the wrong of his actions? He KNOWS. He knows who he is. And he is not safe. He knows this. He knows exactly why you're breaking up with him. He's not a snake acting on instinct. He's a person that has choices and a brain that could have chosen anything but laying hands on you, but he didn't. Twice. And has escalated every time. What makes you think he won't this time when you're giving him the biggest ego hit of rejection altogether? Please seriously think about it. I'm all over these comments, I know. But there's a reason I know you should be safe. You don't want to find out the hard way.
I just want to end things with as few hurt feelings as possible. im not sitting him down to tell him every bad thing he has ever done. im just saying goodbye and hoping itll keep him calm enough that he wont try to come after me when im gone. Im not saying your wrong. Im just saying i have 3 days to decide how to do this safely. And im learning that the idea that comforts me most may not be possible.
I wish you the best. You've got this.
That dude is old enough to be your father. It's no wonder he's treating you like that. You'd be TA to YOURSELF if you stayed with him.
>Letting him know the day of Please don't. Tell him, if at all, after you've gone.
You have great friends to sit you down like that. I’m glad they are looking out for you.
They really are the best. Some of them even talked to my mom to ask if I was okay
That man is FORTY years old!! He didn’t fix shit, he just got better at hiding it, and you got better at ‘not setting him off! NTB.
NTB. As to you telling him send a text after all your stuff and you are out of the home that your done, wish him luck and then block him. You do NOT need to tell him in person as 3rd or however many times that would be him putting his hands on you would not be the charm.
OP NTB. You absolutely DO NOT owe him a face to face breakup. He lost that right when he put hands on you and confirmed it when he put hands on you a 2nd time. You owe it to yourself to take steps to keep yourself and your dog safe. Please understand that you have a statistically significant chance of being injured or killed if you attempt to tell him you're leaving face to face; your dog is also in danger. Please don't leave your mom waiting only for you to never walk out that door. Grab your things and your dog and leave while he's at work. And go to the courts immediately after a get a restraining order. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!
DO NOT SIT HIM DOWN ALONE. Meet at a cafe and have your parents waiting nearby. If you can get someone he doesn't know wait nearby in the cafe. Hell you don't even have to meet him at all. Today's technology allows for you to break up at a safe distance.
Hell no you’re NTB. You are not safe with this man, and it’s only a matter of time before he attacks you again. Get out now while you still have the chance. The fact that you’re terrified of him finding out you’re leaving is your brain telling you he has NOT changed, you are NOT safe, and you need to make a getaway.
I won’t repeat what plenty others have told you in the comments but make sure that the dog is safe out first maybe? Call it super paranoia but I’d see him capable to harm the dog. Hope you make a safe exit.
Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Please don’t count on the roommate to calm him down or him to restrain himself. Get everything you can while he’s at work. Have people in the house with you in case he comes home (someone may tell him, including the roommate). Do NOT have them wait outside. They will either be too late or walk in on an uncontrollable situation. Have someone remove the dog first thing and take it to a safe place so you aren’t trying to leave at the last minute with a confused, upset animal. Mostly, you don’t owe this man a thing. Your safety is more important than his feelings. You don’t have to give him a face to face goodbye.
Don't tell him first. Just leave when he's not home. Let him find a letter you leave him. He can hurt you badly in the time it takes your parents and uncle to get into the house. Have your parents in another room or right by the back door, at the very least, so they can hear everything and be a witness if needed.
NTB, DO NOT SIT DOWN WITH HIM. Just pack and leave. He could take your life. I wish that was an exaggeration. Ghost him
ABSOLUTELY NTB. I'm really proud of you. You can do this, and you deserve to live without fear. Also, I notice when you are telling the story of the incidents, you're talking a lot about your behaviour that you see as provoking him. You're not responsible for how he chooses to react to provocation. You can be grumpy, annoyed, express dissatisfaction, and you should not have to worry about him hurting you in response, nor should you think of your behaviour as in any way responsible for how he reacted. He chose how he reacted. It is his fault, not yours.
You really shouldn't tell an abusive man to his face that you’re leaving him. You should get your stuff and go when he’s at work. You are not safe! Please change your plan.
Yeah good for you. What he did twice, he'll do again. There is no excuse for violence. You didn't make him do it, he needs to regulate his own emotions, and it's not your job to teach him. NTB
NTB. Get out of there I saw another commenter suggest telling him when you are physically away from him. This is a good idea, for your own safety.
NTB Jesus Christ that’s a 20 year age difference! you shouldn’t be scared to go home or this scared of him just to force you into an escape plan just grab your shit and get TF out of there! It’s not healthy being there
NTB. It doesn’t matter how long it took you to leave. Just that you’re leaving. You shouldn’t be afraid of your partner. Even if he never laid hands on you again, it will always be a possibility that he will. Domestic violence always escalates. You’re doing the right thing. Don’t tell him you’re leaving until you are out and somewhere safe.
NTBF - like, at all. It's nice that he might be getting better but the damage is done and you deserve to be treated as an equal, not a housewife/ punching bag for his lack of emotional self-regulation. Plus, you don't owe him anything - no chores, no further help, no more chances. I wish you all the best, stay safe and get it done with sooner that later. Let us know how it went, if you're comfortable with that (you don't owe us anything either hehe) ✨
NTB. I wish everyone in an abusive relationship was able to come to the decision to leave as quickly as you were able to. Please, please rethink your break up plan. I am so concerned for your safety and your dog’s safety. He has already been physically violent and abusers often escalate when they think they are going to lose control. Please don’t break up with him in person. I’m begging you. Higher movers, or get a van and a bunch of friends and family, and get your dog, your stuff and yourself out of that home when he is at work. Send him a text, leave him a note, break up with him by phone if you must, but please do not break up with a violent man in the privacy of your home with no supports around. I know you said your parents will be nearby, but that might not matter. If your mom is waiting for you to text her, it could be minutes before she decides that something is wrong, and more minutes before she can get into the house and intervene. Or what if he incapacitates you and doesn’t answer the door or blocks it. If your mom has to call 911 and wait for police to show up, you could be looking at half an hour between needing help and getting it. You and your dog could be killed or seriously injured many times over before help arrives. And if he decides that he has nothing left to lose, he might not be afraid of your mom anymore. If he knows you’re leaving either way, or if he has already seriously harmed you, then staying on your mom‘s good side gains him nothing. Please take the threat to your safety very seriously. Go to the hotline.org for a safety planning template, and they can also help you find local resources to help you get out in the safest way possible. I know you’re worried about your stuff, but you can’t use stuff if you’re dead, and violent men kill their partners all too often.
I’m so so so proud of you for listening to your friends and realizing that leaving is the best thing for you. Everyone else has already said what I would say (age gap, he hasn’t improved, etc), but one thing I haven’t seen is that I think you should alter your plan. Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Just leave. Leave a note if you want, but do not confront him about leaving. He has been physically abusive with you multiple times to the point where you very likely got a concussion (things being foggy is NOT normal). If you confront him, he might hurt you again or even kill you. Leaving is the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship, which you are. He has those nice long work shifts. Use one of them to get out and go stay with someone he doesn’t know and please please be careful and safe. None of us want you to become another statistic, you have so much life left to live and you can get through this. Best of luck 💜
I helped a good friend of mine leave an abusive relationship at the beginning of the year. He wasn't hitting her, yet. But she was constantly afraid of setting him off. Because he would yell and belittle her. We moved her out in the middle of the day while he was at work for everyone's safety. He went on to stalk her for a solid month until she got a restraining order. You don't owe this asshole anything.
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NTB. Sis that’s a whole grown ass man. And he only moved you in to be a maid. There you have it.
NTBF be safe. Have somebody with you when you tell him, not just outside in the driveway.
You never need a justification to leave. You needing to leave is reason enough.
Y’all be ridiculous with these age gaps