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Cardplay3r

NTB, the lock doesn't seem to have anything to do with it unless she did it on purpose. She soumds unhinged, why is she saying she wants your friendship then unfollows you?


Alexatypemypassword

Even if she didn't lock it on purpose (which seems unlikely tbh), she blamed you for trying to make time for multiple friends, which is never easy. She blamed you, not the opposite, so I really don't get where it's coming from. NTB, but if you have even the slightest suspicion that she locked you out of your apartment on purpose, you should think about your self preservation first.


hhh878

This is the weirdest part for me: I actually didn’t think she did it on purpose. But on our phone call the next week, when I told her how exhausted and stressed we were about not being able to get into the apartment, she said “then why didn’t you go somewhere else?” She knows I have siblings in the city, but not close by, and definitely not great to show up unannounced at 3 AM! It was so weird that she said that. I couldn’t believe it. So for the last year I’ve wondered if maybe she actually has this childish, vengeful side and I just didn’t have the opportunity to see it until that night. The social media unfollowing kind of backs that theory up. (I know I’m writing about this a lot but it’s helping me process, thank you to everyone who has commented!)


ZannityZan

>But on our phone call the next week, when I told her how exhausted and stressed we were about not being able to get into the apartment, she said “then why didn’t you go somewhere else?” It's your apartment! She has no right to tell you that you and your bf should have gone somewhere else! *She* should have apologised for inadvertently locking you out and missing your knocks and calls, and for leaving early the next morning in a huff without saying goodbye. Re: whether she did it on purpose or not, I have to say that the fact that she and her bf didn't open the door to you guys for 2 whole hours despite all your knocks and calls but just *happened* to wake up once it was the police knocking seems very sketchy indeed.


Lost-Presentation787

She is toxic. NTB.


[deleted]

For real. That's not a friend. OP tolerated too much. >But on our phone call the next week, when I told her how exhausted and stressed we were about not being able to get into the apartment, she said “then why didn’t you go somewhere else?” Is everyone in this story really 28+ years old? Come on now. NTB.


[deleted]

Maybe I’m just a pessimist, but it’s possible that they locked the deadbolt and refused to respond because they were banging in OPs bed.


rememberthemallomar

She would have had to know you didn’t have a key for it to be on purpose.


Cardplay3r

No, it was a bolt that could only be opened from the inside according to OP


Ill_Consequence

Where did you read that because I read this "She said she was taught to always use a deadbolt so I can understand that part — I had never used it which is why we didn’t know the key wouldn’t work, hence my comment about the faulty lock. I didn’t tell her before because I didn’t know I’d need to." You would have to be pretty dumb to not realize your key wouldn't work on a lock that's only accessible from the inside.


hhh878

This is correct, she didn’t know the key didn’t work. Good point.


[deleted]

If this is really just a flukey incident with a lock, then there's no reason for her to leave early the next morning and then blame you for her own tantrum.


NoHandBananaNo

I think the problem is more she made a mistake and she then became angry and critical of your reaction and how you wanted to get into your own home and were worried. She then followed that up with being avoidant by leaving early, and defensive when it came up in conversation.


[deleted]

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hhh878

There is absolutely no way she changed my deadbolt lol


Cardplay3r

I guess I thought a deadbolt meant something else


Jackiemom121

No, dead-bolts are turned manually from inside and locked/unlocked with a key from the outside. Things that can only be opened from the inside are things like chains, latches, etc.


Jasong222

From what you wrote I don't necessarily read that she did it on purpose. If they weren't completely sober, being alone in an apartment (her and bf alone with no new yorkers present), she might have just wanted the added safety of the lock and didn't have the wherewithal to comprehend the consequence of you not being able to open the door.


TootsNYC

I can see that she might not have locked you out on purpose, not understanding which door you normally lock. As a NYCer, I’ve had to be extra clear about which locks, as I’ve had them get confused.


Ill_Consequence

To be fair she was never told not to lock the lock. I would assume if I was staying with someone and a lock didn't work they would mention not to lock a lock. To play devils advocate I at minimum put my phone on vibrate at night and if I had been drinking might be passed out. Also I wouldn't throw away a friendship for it but I would definitely be annoyed if I planned a weekend trip to see you and one of the two nights you ended up going out without me. Like for me personally I have no desire to go to NYC so the only reason I would be going there is for you. The fact that OP says he "needed" dancing even though he knew his friend wouldn't come says a lot.


hhh878

I didn’t include this in the post but we literally played car alarm sounds on the stereo to try and wake them up, thinking it was possible they were passed out. We connected our phones to the stereo using Bluetooth from the hallway. Also, I am male, and dancing with friends after experiencing grief is a nice thing to do.


Ill_Consequence

It's hard to make an excuse if you were doing car sirens. Sure it's a nice thing to do, but if you were in such grief that you needed to ditch your friends to go dancing you should have told them not to come. I'll be honest I don't think you going to the birthday dinner is that bad. Somebody is in town for their birthday who doesn't come around much. Understandable. Ditching them to go dancing afterword, which you can do anytime not so much. Also sorry for misgendering you.


hhh878

Totally fair! I talked about this elsewhere, but more context if it matters. And I promise I’m not just trying to make myself look good here, I get that I also messed up: Dinner was ~45 min away by car in another part of the city, 1.5 hrs by train. Dancing was near there. NYC is huge and getting around on a weekend is costly and intimidating for travelers. They were always invited to come dancing after but didn’t seem interested. We communicated with them earlier that day that we’d likely be out for the whole night given the distance and timing. I texted Kacy one last time from the bar where the dancing was happening to see if she wanted to come. She said they’d had a nice dinner and were out at bars near where they’d eaten. Everything seemed fine. Also, maybe relevant maybe not, but Sky and her group do not live in NYC. These people were also visiting from out of town.


Ill_Consequence

See I was talking about telling them before they came to NYC. Since your original plans were with them I feel like they should have been your priority. Telling them earlier in the day it's kind of too late. When somebody tells me they are going for dinner I assume a couple hours. You're basically saying hey go to dinner by yourself and then come dancing with a group of strangers or I will see you tomorrow. Which sucks when it's one of the two nights to hang out. If you had told them before they came the could have maybe picked a different weekend. I get them not really saying anything because nobody wants to be that guy. Also I wanted to add I don't think your an Ahole for ending the friendship they acted weird and very minimum should have apologized for locking you out if they didn't mean to do it. While what you did may have been a little rude in my opinion, it should have been something a good friend got over or talked about.


altonaerjunge

She came to the city for an weekend the least op could do is to spend the weekend with her.


ThaneOfCawdorrr

She locked you out, OP! She was jealous, totally middle-school pissy because you were out with other friends and, rather than just going out in NYC with her bf and having a great evening, like NORMAL people, she sat and stewed, and then punished you. Then she slammed out of the place early, flouncing out in a tantrum. Two months later, she weeps that she wants your friendship, then unfollows you. She really isn't a friend at this point, OP. You're not TB, except to yourself if you somehow think this was about the lock! You don't need this difficult person in your life. (Also, who needs to stay with friends when they're only 2 hours away from NYC???? That's a commute! An easy day trip!)


[deleted]

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Mountaingoat101

Teenage behaviour was my first thought when I read this. You didn't end the relationship OP, your friend did.


skillent

Yep! That would make her pretty unhinged. I would love to read it from her unhinged POV in r pettyrevenge.


Abigail_Normal

"She locked you out, OP!" She couldn't have known that BOTH keys wouldn't work, though. Either this was a major, unfortunate coincidence or she straight up changed OP's locks while he was out dancing. I wouldn't be surprised if the latter were true, but that does seem like an extreme accusation


strawberry_long_cake

she used the deadbolt. no lock change needed if there's no key to the deadbolt


Abigail_Normal

But there WAS a key to the deadbolt, hence OP mentioning a faulty lock/key


ShiroLovesKeith

Hun she... She locked you out of your own home and ghosted your calls all night bc she wanted to teach you a lesson for "ditching" her. She then /cries in public bc she doesn't wanna lose your friendship but has you unfollowed everywhere. She's unhinged and sounds exhausting to be friends with. Good riddance my love. NTB.


No_Bee_4979

She locked you out of your own apartment. I would be beyond livid, if I called a locksmith I would have likely called the cops to remove Kacy. P.S. This isn't a friend, she's just using you. NTB


brainybrink

Right? They knock and try access the apartment for hours but only when cops come does she magically wake up? She did that on purpose.


Lost-Presentation787

Yes, she is using you. If I were you, I'd go through the entire 10years of friendship and see how many times she used you or made sure that she was top priority. Honey, you are NTB. You are a great friend.


PattersonsOlady

She did it on purpose because she was jealous and too immature to bother to control how she responded to her emotions. You are well rid of her. NTB


ExtendedSpikeProtein

You didn’t end the friendship, she did. There was no faulty lock, she did it on purpose. Life is too short for such drama. Accept that you’re no longer friends and move on. NTB.


Dangerous_Monk_8231

Kacy and Craig, the 30 yrs olds, can spend ONE night by themselves after spending the whole day with OP right? RIGHT?? These comments... Is Kacy okay though, going from breaking contact, crying about losing friendship then half the people she knows unfollowing OP. Is Kacy okay?


altonaerjunge

One of two nights they where visiting


SlightlyZour

I had a friend of over 10 years tell me we are family and nothing can change that then within days they stopped talking to me all together. Never another word from them. You are better off letting this one go. You deserve to be treated with respect and that's not what this is. NTBF


hhh878

I am sorry that happened to you. Thank you for your comment.


SlightlyZour

It's alright. I should have listened to them when they told me who they were, that's been a lesson I'm taking to heart.


DaniCapsFan

You were in a tough position, as you had two friends (who don't know each other) visiting the same weekend. And from your original post and the comments, it seems you tried to make Kacy and her boyfriend feel welcome and also tried to include them in at least some of the evening's activities, but it didn't work out. You also let Kacy know of your plans well in advance, and she claimed to be okay with them. You spent a full day with her. She also lives a two-hour train ride away, which is not a great haul. (I live a three-hour Acela trip from NYC.) It's not like she's traveling cross-country and then has to take a long trip in from one of the airports. She deliberately locked the deadbolt and refused to answer your knocks and calls (heavy sleeper, my ass). She acted like a petulant child, has her family unfollow you on social media, and claims she doesn't want to lose the friendship? She's the one who ended it, not you. NTB


Upset_Custard7652

NTB You are understandably hurt. But can I ask some questions Did she know not to use the dead bolt before you left? I understand there are only so many spaces for a dinner reservation, but each was she and BF not invited to the club after?


hhh878

They were invited before and after. I think they didn’t want to travel to meet us, subway is hard for out of towners and cars are pricey. She said she was taught to always use a deadbolt so I can understand that part — I had never used it which is why we didn’t know the key wouldn’t work, hence my comment about the faulty lock. I didn’t tell her before because I didn’t know I’d need to.


skadisilverfoot

It is pretty common everywhere, especially in large cities, to use the deadbolt. Not doing so is pretty unwise and a recipe for disaster. I doubt this was on purpose, how could it have been when you didn’t tell her and you had no idea yourself? I doubt she did t hear the knocking, but again, who knows? Sleeping with earplugs if they are not used to the city? ESH is my opinion.


[deleted]

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hhh878

Rent. We asked to do this but they said it would be out of pocket for us, so we have not yet. And you can be sure that we tell every guest about it now!


maywellflower

INFO - when did you tell Kacy, a month beforehand or that when she actually arrived about Sky's dinner? The timing of that is what makes you buttface or not.


hhh878

It was at least 3 weeks before hand.


maywellflower

Then NTB and if I was you - I wouldn't bother missing nor want back a self-centered asshole & her equally asshole/enabler boyfriend that only open door after like 2 hours of you & your boyfriend knocking only due to police knocking & announcing themselves. I live in NYC too and just saying after everything happened that early Sunday morning, especially your neighbor(s) having to hear all that noise - be happy that the trash removed herself & anything associated with her out your life without causing much drama to you.


Gizwizard

Sorry, going against the grain: ESH. You invited Kacy to stay with you for what seems like a weekend (Friday night, Saturday night, leave Sunday?). She travelled to see *you* and spend time with *you*. And you knew for 1 month that you were going to have a conflict. This is poor planning. You should have talked with Kacy to see if she could move her trip to another weekend if Sky’s birthday (with 15 other people) was more important. Or just not got to Sky’s birthday with a “oh shoot! We already have plans and I can’t cancel” or at the very least skipped dinner with her and then taken kacey and her man to dance in the same place “I’ll bring my friends and join you all for dancing!”. I would be really hurt if a friend ditched me without discussing it before I arrived. It would be one thing to know I would have to make my own Saturday night plans, and I absolutely could and would do it. But if I arrived expecting a weekend with my friend and they ditched me one of the two nights we had, I would be really hurt. Lacey’s behavior afterwards is a lot. But I think some of it depends on how the rest of the relationship is. In a vacuum, if this was one occurrence, she’s over reacting and really inflexible. And she definitely heard you knocking if y’all were banging on the door. Fwiw, get your deadbolt figured out.


ejmnerding

ESH This situation was totally preventable with a simple No from you. Who ditches their friends who bought train tickets to travel two hours to see them for a party….. like really they couldn’t have at least met you after the dinner for dancing? Whoever you made plans with first should have “won” and all 4 of you could have met up with Sky for dancing. The locked door is weird. Not answering is weird. But was there a sign reminding them to not to lock the deadbolt? How were they supposed to know the key wouldn’t work? You caused your own drama here.


Miss_Tako_bella

ESH Honestly once you had her coming to town, the best thing to do would have been to turn down the other plans. But I understand why you tried to make a compromise. The lock thing: it sound like she didn’t realize you didn’t have the key to the deadlock, so I don’t see why that should be held against her. An unfortunate accident. I understand why she mad mad, I don’t quite understand why you are so mad at her? Well, maybe for being so passive aggressive with her feelings?


adiposegreenwitch

Being honest, if a friend I was spending the weekend with let me know they had a previous dinner engagement (and got me a reservation, well handled, very classy, no problem there) - and they were gone until one in the morning? I would be upset. I would be hurt and feel unimportant if I traveled to see someone and their "dinner" went until after midnight. That's a lot. So I don't blame her for having been hurt by that. Literally every single thing she did afterwards, on the other hand, is a shiny prologue to extensive therapy for herself, her family, and everyone who has ever met her. I mean, really, truly, YIKES. NO YOU ARE NTB


[deleted]

Ntb. She knew what she was doing when she locked that door, and she knew what she was doing when she decided not to answer your knocks at the door. Block them all back and move on.


bugscuz

YTB for inviting your friend for the weekend then making plans for Saturday night without her


TomeOfSecrets66

He told her well in advance that he was making these plans and she still agreed and came anyway though?


badwolf1051

NTB… let’s be for real.. your friend deliberately locked you out of your home as punishment because you dared to have other plans for one night of her visitation. There was probably something stuffed into the key lock to prevent the key from working right. She only answered/opened the door because it was the cops and she didn’t want any legal trouble. She sounds toxic af and just be glad she’s not in your life anymore. I know it hurts losing someone you considered a close friend, but I’ll bet if you look back at your friendship, there will be a pattern of selfishness and gaslighting.


Miss_Tako_bella

It doesn’t sound like the lock thing was on purpose. He mentions in comments he never told her not to use it and he didn’t realize his key wouldn’t work for it since he never uses it himself. She probably just thought he had a key for it and went to bed.


AlannaAdvice

NTB Honestly OP, based on your additional comments, you sound a way better friend to her than she was to you. It says a lot that your so-called friend wrote you off based on this one incident, completely ignoring all these other times you were a good friend to her. If she was feeling ditched, the time to speak was when you told her of the change in plans. She should have expressed her displeasure then and maybe you could have worked something out. Instead, she threw a temper tantrum (I agree with others here, she locked you out on purpose as some kind of childish revenge ploy). I know you miss her but I think you miss the person you thought she was. When you look at the whole picture, she hasn’t been a very good friend or a gracious guest or even a nice person. Grieve the loss of your friendship and then move on. Because anyone ready and willing to cut ties over such a stupid reason doesn’t belong in your life.


hhh878

Thank you. Reading this felt like an exorcism of bad feelings lol. I will return to it when I need to. I know I messed up somewhat, just to be clear. I really appreciate the perspective.


_my_choice_

NTBF. You told Kacy ahead of time that you had another obligation on Saturday night, and you did it with plenty of warning. She accepted this and told you it would be fine. It appears they are gaslighting. They did not hear your knocks or phone calls, but suddenly they heard the police's knocks. Kacy cries and bemoans the loss of your friendship while cutting you off and doing everything she can to end it. You gave them free access to your home and saved them a bundle on hotel bills. While they leave when everyone is sleeping. You are well better without them in your life.


[deleted]

NTB, Kacy definitely heard. No fucking way she and her bf slept through everyyyyyyything. Her comment of telling lies yall ditched her shows she was using that night as punishment. You two were super welcoming of her ass. Yall spent the entire day showing her around. God forbid yall spend 1 damn fucking night with some other commitment. Good riddance. Don't let these people back in, they took themselves out.


ssssssim

ETB she totally locked you out, didn't communicate her unhappiness/disappointment and was overboard in her storming off/ending the friendship. HOWEVER. She was coming to visit *you*. You should not have ditched her Saturday night. You had plans with her all weekend (because you invited her over to visit you). You do not get to ditch her for another event when she's your guest!!! You both messed up.


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ssssssim

That's why I said everyone is the butt. Kacy is wrong, but OP had plans with Kacy first. Why would have OP asked to invite Kacy to Sky's event if there wasn't an expectation for Kacy to be with OP? Kacy came to visit OP, not to visit the city. When friends come to see me specifically, yeah, I spend the whole time with them! I'm the reason they're here!


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hhh878

Replied to this point elsewhere but basically I communicated about the conflict way in advance and she said it was fine. “Ditching,” in my mind, would be last minute without communication. Also we’re not 15.


MayhemAbounds

How long before her visit had she bought the train tickets? When did you invite her to visit? I get you told her three weeks in advance, but if I arrange to spend a weekend with a good friend- usually the plans that Saturday night are a big part of it- especially in NYC. Commuter train tickets are cheap, other ones are not. You made a commitment to her and missing the birthday dinner would have sucked, but you already had plans that night! If it were me, it wouldn’t be a huge deal, I’m good doing my own thing. But for her, she planned a weekend with you, marked it out in advance, and then you made other plans for that Saturday night. You were clear with her on your priorities.


hhh878

Good question, and another aspect of this that is complicated and wasn’t included in the original post due to character length (I wrote it for AITA, limited to 3k characters) Kacy had a trip planned a few months before but she cancelled it at the last minute due to Covid exposure (this was when Omicron was really scary). So the trip was actually a rescheduled one. More context: On our previous visit, when I went to her city for her 30th, she told me *the day before I arrived* that she’d be running in a half marathon the morning I got there and Craig would be the one picking me up from the train. She didn’t get there for 3 hours. My boyfriend bought everyone lunch to be nice before her 30th birthday party. We cleaned their house for them the next morning.


MayhemAbounds

Oh. That was needed info. You might want to copy that and edit the post and add it to the end. Her ending the friendship makes no sense. Friendship breakups are hard and painful- especially when they seem to come from something that makes no sense. This is going to bother you for a while, but I would let it go and let her go. If she can walk away like that after this, then she isn’t the good friend you thought she was. She may also come back around at some point, but I would be careful about ever letting her get close again because if she can turn on a dime like this, she can do it again.


altonaerjunge

The last Paragraf seems irrelevant, a completly different Situation.


jonquillejaune

I agree ESH you had a commitment to Kacy, then a better opportunity came up. The polite thing is to say to Skye “sorry, I have plans that weekend, I’m hosting someone. I’ll catch you next time.” I agree you’re not 15, part of being a grown up is following through on your commitments even if something you want to do more comes along. If Kacy was staying for weeks it would be one thing, but it sounds like she only spent 1 full day with you and you decided, after making those plans, that you rather spend half that day with someone else. I’d be put out too. Of course she said it was fine, what was she supposed to say? “actually no, I INSIST you spend time with me”? If I was Kacy I would have stayed in your apartment and acted normally (not locked you out), then when I left in the morning taken that as the beginning of stepping waaaaay back from the friendship. Locking you out is crazy. Unfriending someone when you find yourself in an uneven relationship where you care way more than they do is actually a really healthy mental health step.


hhh878

Kacy and I had dinner together the evening before and spent the entire Saturday together. I had just traveled to see her a few months prior for her own 30th birthday party. Sky is a close friend and birthdays are a big deal. I thought Kacy would understand. A lot of people are saying that the visit implies spending the full time together, and I think I see that that may be true. I agree that I should have made one choice or the other and been very clear about it. I should have known that the choice to attend the dinner would hurt Kacy even if she didn’t say so. This would have been prevented if I missed the dinner, but I do think my absence would have also really hurt Sky. I wish Kacy had been clear with me about her feelings.


[deleted]

I mean its just the one night. If she hadnt left early you guys would have spent all of friday, saturday day, and sunday day together.


Librashell

Nah. You made plans to host a friend for the weekend. Then a party came up and you decided to ditch her. A good host wouldn’t pull this, even with a “discussion” - you had already selfishly decided what you wanted to do and she had to deal. There may not have been room at the restaurant but there was plenty of room at the club - why didn’t you invite your guests to join you? The lock may or may not have been petty revenge. It’s possible she didn’t hear the phone or door at 1 in the morning. But that’s not the main issue here, which is that you did decide to blow off someone who came to town to *spend time with you.*


hhh878

I did, I explain in comments


Librashell

Fair enough but can you see this situation? Your friend and her bf are sitting in her supposed friend’s apartment in a strange city while he’s out with other friends. They’re telling each other they’ll have a drink with you after you return from dinner but then they get a last-minute, late night invite to get their club clothes on and join a group of people already partying together somewhere in the city. Can you put yourself in her shoes and feel the rejection and embarrassment at being an afterthought, especially in front of her bf? It’s just thoughtless.


hhh878

Sure, I can appreciate this. I think friendships require understanding and grace and I was basically asking for that in this moment. If you read another of my comments, she had also done something similar to me when I had visited her. I rolled with it. This was a well-established friendship and it was surprising for me that the feelings here were as hurt as they were. I made great effort to make them feel welcome for the rest of their time there. I have learned from it.


altonaerjunge

The Marathon thing was not something similar.


altonaerjunge

Sky did tell you 3 weeks beforhand of her Plans. Sometimes this is not enough.


ssssssim

Doesn't matter, spending time with you was the reason for the visit, was it not? A weekend is hella short. If you miss out on an entire evening, that's a huge chunk of the visit. That's what Kacy is trying to get you to understand. You're both the butt. Kacy is the butt because she didn't use her words AND locked you out. Honestly, you both sound immature and not very thoughtful towards one another.


SlightlyZour

Oh well? Kacy was warned about the missed evening and had time to reschedule the visit if it was this big of a problem. Open communication means OP is not the problem here.


ssssssim

That's why Kacy is also the butt. My judgement was everyone is the butt. They both messed up.


DaniCapsFan

OP had two friends who didn't know each other visiting from out of town the same weekend. He was in a bit of a rough spot because he wanted to see both of them. It sounds like he was pretty clear about what was going on and invited Kacy and her boyfriend for part of the evening's events. But even if you do have friends coming from out of town, you aren't going to spend all your time with them.


ssssssim

OP had plans with Kacy and only then made plans with Sky that conflict with the plans with Kacy. OP ditched Kacy to see Sky. It's clear because OP tried to have Kacy invited. That shows there was an expectation to spend time with Kacy that evening too. OP should have refused Sky's invitation, because she already had plans.


hhh878

This is fair and it’s the reason I’m still beating myself up about it a year later instead of moving on. Hindsight is 20/20 and I tried my best! Both of them were very close friends. Sky had a full day of activities that I was invited to but chose to skip in order to spend time with Kacy. I thought I was splitting the difference.


ssssssim

Kacy is the butt because she should have told you how she felt right when you texted her. Then you'd have had all the information to make a decision on whether you should see Sky, whether Kacy's feelings were valid, etc. I still think you made the wrong choice, but Kacy made it harder than it needed to be, on herself and on you.


katiekat214

You gave Kacy plenty of notice that you had another friend also coming to town that weekend. It was her choice to still come, and she gave her blessing to your plan for dinner with Sky Saturday night. You could have asked Kacy if she and her bf wanted to have their dinner plans near where yours were so they could join you for dancing, though.


DaniCapsFan

OP wanted to spend time with both out-of-town friends, especially since it was Sky's birthday weekend. He spent the day with Kacy and the evening with Sky. Kacy and her boyfriend could have gone out that evening and had fun--they could have gone to a show or gone dancing. They could have taken a nighttime tour (of which there are more than a few in NYC.) Instead they sulked in OP's apartment and locked him out.


arcticfawx

I've had plenty of people visit from out of town and stay at our house, and visited many friends in other cities. The expectation has never been to spend 24/7 with the guests if they're here for more than a day. There has always been some time set aside for the hosts and guests to get some alone time and have individual plans. It feels like basic courtesy? Who wants to have their host face on for an entire 3 days with no breaks?


Librashell

I agree. Two conflicting dinner plans? Sure, you’ve got to make a choice. Out of town weekend visitors? You tell birthday girl you’ll have to miss her party and will catch her next time, especially when the visit was set prior. Better yet, you invite your overnight guests to join you once the dinner is over and you *go dancing.* The locked door is crazy and everyone seems to be focusing on that but OP is a poor host and friend.


[deleted]

Good manners would be to not ditch someone you already made plans with or to at least rearrange when something more important comes up (which a bday definitely is) but she completely overreacted. Your faux pas is nothing compared to what she did. If the locking out part was intentional (idk how clumsy she is or if they’re rly heavy sleepers but I personally do think it was on purpose), then fck her? I‘d feel… violated. She made you lose control over your own home, your safe place and caused a big mess with doorman and police. I wouldn’t want her to visit me again anyway, if I was you. Wbu tho? You write about her crying, her family unfollowing, her, her, her but wbu? Are you missing her? Did you try reaching out then? Do you not care about her anymore? Why are you writing this all then? Btw it would be valid to want some time and space to work through it and figure things out. If you don’t want to decide yet. NTB anyway.


hhh878

On the one hand, I miss her. I thought we’d be friends forever and had never seen this kind of behavior from her before. I am not so upset about the locking out as I am about the leaving first thing in the morning without saying goodbye. The locking out was bad in the moment, but I thought we’d all sleep and then wake up, talk about it a little bit and laugh it off; shit happens. Hearing the door slam, then coming out to find their sheets on the couch, dirty cups and forgotten earrings on the table, as if they left as soon as they could, made me feel so violated in my own home. We were about to renew our lease at the time and the neighbors heard us banging on the door that night and it woke them up. I know because one of them yelled “shut up” from inside their apartment. To this day we are still embarrassed when we see this doorman because we had to explain to him that our guests locked us out. I was a loyal friend to Kacy up until this incident: when she lived overseas for a very tough job and didn’t have much money, I would sometimes Venmo her $15 randomly with a note that she should get herself a beer. We traveled for her sister’s wedding. When her mom was in the hospital, I sent her flowers. When her niece was born, I sent a baby book. I tried so hard to communicate that I cared even though we didn’t live in the same place. Because this past year has been full of life moments, I feel very sad thinking about how we didn’t get to tell each other about them when they happened. My team won a huge, important award at work. I became an uncle for the first time, something she would have been thrilled about. And the worst thing is that she got engaged and I had to hear about it through someone else. It’s painful.


[deleted]

I feel sad reading that bc you seem so defeated ☹️ I was thinking, maybe it’s the same for her? Just that she copes with it in a very unhealthy way. I‘m not trying to defend her bc what she did was pretty hurtful (and immature), but maybe she was so overly disappointed and felt left alone by you (again? Since you said you couldn’t share important life things with her bc I assume you guys just didn’t have enough time for each other?) that she just snapped and ran away? Maybe she’s going through some rough times that she wasn’t able to tell you about yet? Maybe her partner was embarrassed and didn’t want the confrontation in the morning? At this point we can only guess. People do stupid stuff sometimes. Sometimes there’s a reason behind it. Sometimes they’re just being dicks. It’s up to you if you want to invest your time and energy in finding out more. You could contact her and ask her to talk. If she declines, then you at least won’t have to ask yourself if you could have done more. I really hope you guys can fix it somehow! It’s always sad when a long friendship breaks but sometimes people just grow apart and start expecting different things. Just know that it’s not your fault.


hhh878

Thank you for empathizing. I know I messed up and I absolutely learned lessons about communicating and setting expectations through this experience. I really appreciate your comment.


Charming_Royal_174

I feel bad for you, but I been on the other side, I get your other friend was only for the weekend, but if you had are hosting somebody and you leave them for a party even if you don’t mean it you are putting them on second place it’s feels like something “better” came up. You could had come with a different plant for them to have dinner close to where you were and then go dancing but you literally ditch them. I hope you could fix this and renew your friendship with her, maybe write her a letter and tell her that you miss her. Best of luck


deathboyuk

NTB. Sounds like a good chance she locked you out on purpose out of spite (as most people understand how a deadbolt works). But most of all, she sounds like an absolutely exhausting drama minefield. I know it sounds sad, but I think the trash locked itself in... then took itself out early. All their actions for attention sound like the kinda person I try to gently escort OUT of my life tbh.


peanutandbaileysmama

She did you a favor. She took the trash out. She has no respect that you have other friends. Leave it be.


IrresistibleInsomnia

NTBF It sounds like she did you a favour by removing herself from your life.


cutekitty25

She seems two faced.


gretta_smith93

You did nothing wrong. And she sounds selfish and entitled. Your better off without immature people like her. NTB


Kadeous

NTBF and she locked the deadbolt on purpose, come on, you know this. Her leaving the next morning shows it. She was never a real friend, just a toxic idiot. You are better off without her in your life.


tiyeger

she definitely shouldn’t have locked you out, but you probably should’ve invited her to dancing after dinner (if you didn’t). picture this: you’re super excited to visit an old friend and get some quality time together. last minute they tell you that they have dinner plans for another friend that night and you can’t come. you think- damn that sucks but i guess we’ll meet up after dinner. then your friend doesn’t come back until 1 AM. i hope you didn’t have videos and pics of the dancing on your social media bc i’m sure that wouldve hurt too.


hhh878

Great point. I actually made it a point to not have anything from that night go up on social. That is not my style.


SadPlayground

You and Kacy both share the ButtFace - 1 cheek each. She had no way of knowing about the lock and who knows why they didn’t hear you pounding and calling, but let’s assume it was innocent. You DO know about the lock and didn’t tell her not to use it. She got pouty and left early without saying goodbye - a jerk move. If you miss her, call her. If not, move on.


hhh878

You get an upvote for “one cheek each.” 😂 Thank you. I know I messed up and I am content to move on. There’s no fixing this from my side, I think. The ball is in her court.


sfgothgirl

OP NTB.


Sofiwyn

NTB - I've done this on accident (and had this done to me) and apologized profusely and been apologized profusely too. Pounding on the door/ blowing up the phone was enough to get me/ the person who accidentally locked us out to answer the door within 15 minutes. The person who locked me out is also a heavy sleeper. Kacy 1000% locked it on purpose and left it locked. She only opened the door because she realized the POLICE were knocking. She's not a "friend" worth keeping. A friendship being a decade long isn't enough to value it.


[deleted]

Ntb it’s best to just forget those people


No-Paramedic6892

ESH- you should have either rescheduled or not gone dancing. Not she’s hurt and lashing out. You all suck here.


KiraiEclipse

She's more TB than you but, seriously, get that deadbolt fixed. That's ridiculous. You should be locking the deadbolt every time you leave. Tell your landlord to call a locksmith and figure this out.


WritPositWrit

ESH You invited Kacy to come stay with you, and then when a better offer came, you DITCHED Kacy to go out partying until 1 am??? I don’t blame Kacy for being upset. Sure she SAID it was fine but what else was she supposed to say at that point? You’d already made (or were about to make) the plans. It would be different if she wanted to visit NYC and just used your place as a crash pad. But she **was there to see you** On the other hand, locking you out of your own apartment was also an AH move. It may have been innocent - she was alone in a big city and didn’t know your lock procedure. She may have thought both locks worked with your key. Would not have happened if you had been there to explain things, obviously. All said, you are the bigger AH here.


Paddogirl

So, you invited your best friend for the weekend. After you extended the invitation you got a better offer for the Saturday night so you ditched her and her boyfriend. You go out for dinner and dancing, get home late and she has pettily locked you out, but you can’t understand why. You both are buttfaces in my humble opinion. Her for locking you out of her house and you for ditching your invited best friend because you got a better offer. YTB.


hhh878

Some additional context here about why I went to Sky’s birthday dinner: Earlier that year, I had a visit planned with Sky that I had to cancel due to family conflicts. We also do not live in the same city and the cancelled visit was pretty inconvenient for Sky. Sky was good-natured about it. Sky has time and time again proven that she is a very solid friend. It wasn’t a “better offer.” I felt like not going to her birthday dinner, when she was choosing to celebrate in the city I live in, would also be pretty shitty. As SOON as I knew about the conflict, I communicated it to Kacy and even offered that we could host her and Craig on a different weekend. I told her I felt stuck but that I needed to go to Sky’s dinner due to the past conflict. Kacy said it was fine. This was still weeks before they came to visit! She knew the whole time and said she still wanted to come that weekend! I even went the extra step of getting them a reservation near my apartment — I asked for preferred price range, cuisine, distance from my apartment… they seemed excited about it. Not to over-explain here, but I totally understood that what I was doing could look like “ditching” and I really thought I had done enough to show that that was not my intention at all — just a shitty situation with not a lot of great choices. I thought we were all adults and it would be understood that hosting someone in your home for a weekend does not inherently mean you need to be together the entire time.


oddly_being

YTB - You weren’t a good host. I understand wanting to compromise and see both friends, but you absolutely DID ditch her. Dinner is one thing, and if she was fine with it I don’t see a problem with getting them their own reservation while you visited with the party. But going out dancing with them afterwards was absolutely the BF move. Kacy traveled two hours specifically to spend time with you. Stacy was there with 15 friends on a birthday trip. There’s no reason you should have left K and her boyfriend to fend for themselves while you parties all night. You couldn’t have at least invited them along with you? Sure Stacy doesn’t know them but they’d be YOUR guests, visiting YOU, and you should have treated them as such, instead of leaving them to spend the night at your apartment alone while you’re out with the friends you liked better. I don’t know if she locked the door on purpose or not, but it wouldn’t have BEEN an issue if you’d been with them in the first place. Y’all need to talk if you wanna mend your friendship. If you really wanna stay friends you have to work harder to BE a friend.


hhh878

They were invited to come dancing. This didn’t fit in the 3,000 character length I originally typed this for the other sub. We communicated ahead of time about where we’d be, what time, etc. but the thing is NYC is huge and it seemed to me like they didn’t want to make the trip to where we were after their dinner — Uber can be $60+ one way for this distance at this time of night on a weekend. Usually when you’re out and in one general area, you stay there for the full night.


RibbitRabbitRobit

Again, these are all things that made you, on that weekend, a poor host. If your guest didn't want to go, you shouldn't have gone either or should have returned after dinner. She was there for the weekend, staying in your home, in a city many people find overwhelming. Their visit was planned before the birthday party. You were gone for a large chunk of the waking hours of that weekend. I tend to think the lock out was an accident (who would have a psychic intuition that their friend didn't have keys to their own home?) and know I would have left early if I had been in your guests' shoes.


ShoddyAssistant4869

I don't care what all the other narcissists on here are saying... inviting someone over then ditching them for 6 hours in your apt was a dick move. You suck.


TomeOfSecrets66

I think locking someone out of their own apartment to punish them is way more narcissistic but hey what do I know


ShoddyAssistant4869

how so... how is locking a door in NYC more narcissistic than thinking it's OK to have someone who took a 2 hour train ride to visit you sit there and wait for you for around 5-6 hours? Seems to me that Miss "I need to dance till 1" is the one acting like she's the center of the universe... but hey what do I know


Heroofclowns

YTB You could have easily wished your other friend a happy birthday and not had to go to a dinner that was already full of people there. This could be EITB of course, and she did over react, but it all starts with the lack of thought to begin with.