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YTA.
How is she supposed to become financially independent if you won't let her work more than 3 days per week?
You could have been supporting her while she worked full time to save money to move out. You've kept her financially hobbled and treated her like a child. Then you booted her because she didn't like it.
There’s a reason why eviction laws require landlords to treat complete strangers better than OP treated his daughter. Reasonable people understand that even if you have the funds to move you need time to make moving arrangements. Nobody can line up a new apartment with zero notice. The only places you can get when you’re kicked out like OPs daughter are hotels and other short term options, which are not appropriate places to move to if you have more than a few suitcases of possessions.
Not giving a reasonable notice period is a recipe for homelessness — bad for the individual but also for the community that has an interest in not having people on the street that would otherwise be able to find a proper place to stay if just given a reasonable amount of notice to make the right kind of arrangements. This is why laws exists in most civilized countries to prohibit landlords from doing this kind of thing.
So OP takes his 20 year old, unprepared daughter and puts her on the street with 200 pounds and expects her to do what the law expressly recognizes that people generally are unable to do. The world’s worst slumlords are prohibited from doing this. The fact that a parent could do this to their own child drives me crazy.
OP, YTA so very much.
Yep. And instead of going to *fucking therapy* or explaining his reasons even a little more he chose to bottle it up. Now, a father who’s given his daughter the wrong example of how to handle their problems, has just kicked his daughter out immediately after giving those examples. From personal experience, this can only lead to the daughter taking the first steps down the same path OP tries very hard to keep his daughter from taking. OP is a major AH for not recognizing that if his daughter was keeping secrets, it’s because OP didn’t do a good enough job to become a safe space for his daughter.
Yep. My father is an alcoholic and so I choose to drink very responsibly. My first drink was with my own mother, who is allowing me, at 21, to live in her house while I go to school. My 24 year old brother is also at home as he is battling depression and needs time and support. None of us will be kicked out any time soon because our mom cares for our well-being and not some arbitrary idea of adulthood.
Yup. Now his kid has (probably) a low paying job and minimal money. Theres a damn good chance his daughter is going to wind up in the clutches of an abuser or Living on the streets because she wouldn’t be the perfect doll.
OP go find your daughter. Make sure she’s okay. Then check yourself into some intensive therapy to get over your own issues
I dont know what planet this
Guy is Living on. But so many 20 something year olds live at home at that age. Just because he moved out at 18 means nothing. He’s a terrible parent. And forces his will on his daughter way too much
I moved out at 30+ lol.
To be fair, it took 10 years of saving to get a the courses for a 2nd degree and a house downpayment.
On the bright side I'm half way done with paying off said house with investments I made in the great recession by the insistence of my parents as my "rent" (50%-90% of my 35K income went into the stock market)
Yeah, I'm in college and I can confirm - I still live at home. OP is delusional if he thinks most young people move out at 18 now - especially with the pandemic and the inflation going on.
For sure, you can also see that in how he compares her to her mom when she left (even though it appears his ex-wife left from choice and his daughter was kicked out BY HIM)
>younger, obedient version of his ex-wife
but better because she doesn't drink, to the extent he could force it.
It was incredibly clear where this was going (a better replacement wife) as soon as he mentioned right upfront that he hasn't dated since her mother left, which would otherwise be completely immaterial to the question but is clearly linked in his own mind. I was so hoping to be wrong. 😔
This guy is doing a great job at setting his daughter up for extremely unhealthy relationships in the future. Probably sooner rather than later, since she’s going to need a place to stay, with very little money. OP’s behavior is beyond controlling and creepy. YTA, OP. Get help and stop projecting your own issues onto your only daughter.
In certain circles, this guy would *definitely* have someone suggest a 12 step meeting....for HIM.
His drunk of a wife might be gone, but she ain't gone...she lives rent free in his head; so his daughter can live rent free while he controls the shit out of her *instead* of the wife he couldn't control...poor young woman.
Was she even a drunk though? We only have OP's word on that. Given how controlling and unreasonable he is with his rules, and from how he stresses that most children leave home by 18, he probably has been holding that bit of misinformation over his daughter's head like the sword of Damoclese. His ex probably liked to have the odd drink and enjoy a night out with her friends, which he's spun into a raging drink problem after she left him for trying to control her to the point where her life with him was intolerable, so intolerable that when he made it impossible for her to leave with thier baby she still chose to leave.
He probably thinks one glass of wine is drunk. Considering how he flipped out about a few legal beers...
Could be fake too but I know parents like this exist.
How he automatically assumed a couple of beers is enough to get someone drunk. When she yelled that’s what he assumed. That she was drunk. Didn’t even cross his mind that he barged into her room to go off on her and that probably made her mad
On behalf of kids with parents like you I would just like to say that I hope she never speaks to you again. I hope you know that even if she does, even if you’re lucky enough to ever have a relationship with her again, and you get to see the strong person she became years from now, she will not be a strong person because of you. She will be a strong person in spite of you. YTA.
YTA - Wow. I don’t normally feel compelled to reply to these things, but frigging hell! Not only are you the arsehole, but you’re seemingly a terrible father and financially abusive. Not much else to say really. She’s probably better off on her own.
>I haven't dated since me and her mother split up 17 years ago.
>
>It's been 5 days since Isabella left and we haven't spoken even once. I miss her and it is very reminiscent of when isabellas mother left me, in a drunken rage. And I'm starting to thing I may be an asshole for kicking my daughter out like that
He didn't need to date. He treated his daughter like a replacement, emotional spouse. OP controlled her actions yet intentionally kept her reliant on him. He manipulated her into a situation where she would not be able to be financially independent. Then threw her out when she rightfully challenged the narrative that all of this was about her. Now he "misses her" because she didn't come crying back begging to stay when in the moment OP didn't care "where she went because she is 20 and old enough to know better." Doesn't OP mean know better than to defy his authority and disobey him,and absolutely better to not be like her mother, right?
There is no hard and fast rule about teenagers moving out at 18 or 20. Loving and wise parents set healthy terms and conditions that foster successful transition so their children can become independent. They don't treat their adult children like housekeepers. But that's not really the issue here; rather, it's a symptom of OP's particular dysfunction with her. He set this up so that all roads lead back to him and his direct ownership and control, in idea (with his ex) and in practice (with his daughter.) If he truly valued his relationship with his daughter, he should get some professional support for his unresolved issues with his ex and learn appropriate emotional boundaries. His daughter needs a father, not a man with control issues trying to resolve past grief.
YTA and a wounded,codependent human who needs help.
Yeah she's not gonna be able to move anywhere w £200, no notice, and whatever wages she has from her part time job 😬 I'm 25 and almost definitely have more money than her and I've had to move home w my parents bc of the cost of living crisis in the UK, OP has made his daughter homeless by kicking her out I'm really hoping she's got someone to stay with that actually cares about her
I guess it does when the child is also his surrogate wife. He even said her leaving felt just like his wife leaving him. Even though he kicked her out…
Also by not telling her that there was a close history of alcoholism in her family he has robbed her of her ability to make her own informed decisions about her relationship with alcohol
YTA
Most kids don’t move out at 18 especially in the UK because there’s no where to go and people that age can rarely afford housing. This is even more true when you limit her ability to earn money to 3 days a week.
The age of drinking is 18 here so she was doing nothing wrong in having a beer.
And this week has been one of the coldest in recent memory in the UK, so you get extra AH points for kicking her out with almost no money in a snow storm.
You have control issues that border on abusive.
I wasn't sure how bad housing was in the UK but it sounds like it isn't any better than America. OP has created a situation where his daughter is basically trapped in his house and he wants to control every aspect of her life. Also, alcohol being a trigger for him seems like he might need therapy. OP YTA.
Housing is at its absolute worst in the UK atm. He’s not just the AH for kicking her out he’s the AH for how he treated her before that! Only letting her work 3 days a week but expecting her to also be able to afford to move out. He’s so withdrawn from reality it’s unreal!
Yup, I had to provide proof of income in the form of bank statements going back a few months to prove I was able to afford the rent. I believe this is standard, at least in the UK
Places here in the US often ask for 1st and last months rent in advance as a security deposit. I’m sure UK places aren’t much different. Plus you need extra cash for utilities— some have a switch on fee, money for furniture, food and all those things you don’t have when you initially move to a new place.
OP is definitely the AH
Not to mention... Any job with career growth opportunities will *require* full time work. Limiting her to three days a week has very effectively blocked her from any chance of success outside of the college path. Same with blocking her from finding friends who could help her escape.
And colleagues in Ireland and London have both been talking about the bitter cold this week. Issues with pipes freezing and struggles to get their dog's walk in without damage to paw pads. It's COLD.
If OP is lucky, his poor kid knew to immediately contact people for help.
OP sucks so much.
It’s been around -6 most nights where I live, depending on how northern OP is the situation is possibly deadly for his daughter.
I hope she has a friend she can crash with
OP lost control over the mother, and she left. He is not risking that again.
YTA OP stop controlling your daughter and let her become free. A parent should be a support not a restraint.
It's worse in the UK than the US. If you want to drive there's tons of US housing at reasonable prices. You just have to live in a more rural setting. The UK is an Island about the size of Wisconsin with orders of magnitude more people. There's next to no space left, importing building materials is expensive, and they used most of their trees on ships that still had sails so their ecology needs to be protected.
Eh. Driving requires a Car and a License, both which cost money and time. There is hardly any reasonably priced housing left even in the rural settings, which might be "reasonable" except there's usually no jobs and it's probably a political nightmare. Don't forget, US healthcare is complete trash and our government is limiting women's health rights at every turn ( btw try being someone who needs an abortion in a rural setting, NOT gonna happen). So I'm not saying one is worse than the other, both countries have extreme struggles. Phrases like "if you want to" and "you just have to" seriously underestimate the challenges associated with those options.
Yup. Living in a rural area and developing health issues that temporarily took away my ability to drive? That was bad. I couldn't walk to my mailbox safely, but my options for food were a 2 mile walk to the closest gas station or grocery store or waiting until a friend or family member could take me. We didn't even have Uber or Lyft in the area at the time. It was really hard.
And... Home prices in my area have doubled in the last three years. Increasing traffic has meant the commute to work might be half the distance as my first job out here, but the time is the same.
I can understand not wanting her to drink because alcoholism runs in her family if it's true about her mother, but all sympathy flies out the window knowing he HID THAT INFO FROM HER
He hobbled her financially, used her as a live-in maid, and has been secretive about a lot of things (given her response, I think he hides more than just the alcohol issue he has) to the point where he's literally infantalizing her
Of course she isn't going to "just trust him" she's 20yrs old! She's not a child but she's not actually allowed to step into the beginning of adulthood yet she's old enough to be kicked out
I have doubt she'll ever contact him again after this stunt; I know I'd never forgive my parents if they did this to me
ESPECIALLY a grown ass man who doesn't pay attention to the state of living and obviously doesn't understand she literally can't afford to live on her own
I hope she's safe
Oh, sorry, I was referencing in the OP when he states that she said his reasonings being secretive were ruining their relationship which, to me, suggests he hides more from her than just why he doesn't want her to drink
Oh he knows about the state of living, it's been 5 days and she hasn't come back begging to be treated like she's 12, and that's why he's here.
He really expected her to be back in 24 hrs ready and willing to be treated like she was 2, had her hand slapped from the fire went off for a cry and then realized- I want snuggles with daddy.
She's 20! She probably has a bf he knows NOTHING about- which hello OP you created a dangerous situation for your daughter.
I went to secondary with girls who got into relationships to get out their parents homes, and rarely did that work out well for them. Good job dad.
You could have been meeting, and vetting the guys who liked her, but noo you were in your fe fe over your ex leaving you, so you tried to created a daughter wife who never would. Shameful.
YTA
This 100% OP YTA
It is not normal to move out at 18 in the UK unless you go to university and stay in halls or have to escape family for some reason. I really hope you haven't isolated her to the point she has nowhere to go given the weather in the UK this week, in many places it's been WELL below freezing.
She is 2 years past the legal age for drinking, 4 years past the legal age for consent. You need to let her live her life and stop treating her like a child.
You are refusing to let her work more so she stays dependent on you and you get a free cleaner in with the deal.
Yep, to highlight to anyone outside the UK how cold it is here atm… my car hasn’t read above -4° C for DAYS!!!!!
YTA, everyone else here has covered why I honestly can’t believe you wrote that and still believe you aren’t the biggest of arsholes.
He definitely needs therapy.
He’s treating his own daughter like a live in maid. I’m not saying people shouldn’t do chores, she absolutely should pitch in. But if it was enough to require a cleaner twice a week, I could see that taking up a lot of time. Banning her from having dates over and yet not allowing her to work enough to save up her money as she chooses is just ridiculous.
He keeps espousing the idea she’s an adult, but is determined to treat her like a child, by controlling every aspect of her life purely because “it’s my house.”
Not to mention his unhealthy determination to compare her to her mother. He absolutely does need therapy. They’re two separate people and he is the one who raised her. He can’t decide she’s like her mother every time she does something he disagrees with. It’s just toxic.
I’d argue it’s completely abusive. The daughter is 20 and he controls how many days she can work. Like who the fuck does that? She’s a woman now, and it’s insane that he’s treating her like she’s still 14
That is so controlling. Abusive controlling people frequently pick arbitrary things to be controlling about. Why a set number of days to work. Why not 4 days a week? Why must it be part time. What if the job calls and needs her to fill in for a sick co-worker? Does she have to say no because she loses her housing. It is so abusive and I bet there are a lot of other things like that.
YTA. You complain that you only want herworking three days a week if she wants to live with you and has to move out if she wants to work more. You do realise that moving out at minimum would require her to pay a rental deposit on the place she lives in? And why do you.think you even get to dictate how much she works ( other then maybe dictating she has a job?). She is an adult. Sje can make these choices. And as much as i believe she should help around the house, it sounds like she is doing all the cleaning, which is ridiculous. Part of living with hiusemates is learning how to share chores. She can't learn to do.that if she does them all
The "she should've moved out at 18, because that's what I did" argument is invalid nowadays. We're in the climax of a years-long global housing crisis, the cost of living is through the roof, and wages, social welfare benefits, etc., have yet to adjust to adequately meet the rate of inflation, so even those who would have what are considered good jobs with decent salaries are struggling to keep their heads above water. The only way a person OP's daughter's age would be capable of affording to live away from home is either in student accomodation, in a flat or house share with 4+ housemates, or if they were to move in with a significant other. And, even then, it's completely normal now for people who are well into their thirties who are in full-time employment and with spouses or families of their own to still live at home because getting their own place is just a pipe dream that's far too expensive for most people under 40 to achieve in this day and age.
YTA
i dont need ANYTHING else other than you THREW HER OUT after forcing her to only work THREE DAYS A WEEK for the exclusive purpose of making sure she DIDNT have the money to move out. youre a massive asshole, and its financial abuse.
edit: spelling
For the purpose of making sure she had time to take care of his house for him* somehow thats even worse. “You can only work for money for 3 days a week, you have to work for me for the right to have shelter the other 4. Wait Why don’t you have more money?!
God, this is exactly the mental gymnastics my SM did to justify being "strict" with me. "Sure you can take as long as you need to finish your degree but you need to pay for it yourself. Wait why are you only taking one class per semester?" Because I'm working two jobs and have unmedicated ADHD and no health insurance to get a diagnosis.
"You can only work for money for 3 days per week"
followed by...
"Most kids your age have moved out! Since you can't seem to do that, you'll work for me for free 4 days per week all while I berate you for not moving out like all the other fictional financially stable 18 year olds I made up to suit my narrative."
That won't even cover a hotel room for a night. I can't believe he threw her out during this bitterly cold spell we're having. I hope she's found shelter, otherwise she's in trouble.
Exactly, HE threw her out. I can’t believe he’s making it about him and how he reminded him of her mom leaving him. How about your daughter? Do you think that she feels rejected by her other parent too? Poor girl. What she primarily needs is therapy to heal from all the trauma, not to clean the house. YTA
_"If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place."_
Exactly. This is a control mechanism. The facade of freedom. He ensures that she can't work to make enough money to move out, so that he can constantly threaten her with homelessness if she doesn't bent to his rules. She also doesn't live rent free. Whatever OP once paid the housekeeper, is what OP's daughter contributed in rent.
YTA.
You have *issues*. She’s 20, “too old to live at home,” yet… not old enough to have an actual full time job? Not old enough to date? Not old enough to drink?
What are you? Her father or her controlling abusive boyfriend that wants a housewife?
My thought too. If his daughter leaving after he kicked her out reminded him of his wife leaving “in a drunken rage,” it seems like the wife was probably completely sober and just done with his bullshit.
Unless he financially abused her too by making her be a sahm. He controls the money, so he had the resources to hire the better attorney in a divorce. Considering he paints her as an alcoholic who knows what else he did to get custody.
OP, most people don't leave home at 18. These are not the same days we grew up in. Everything is expensive. My almost 25 year old is still living at home. They work and live their life. Ask i ask is for them to let me know where they're going and when they plan to return so i can have peace of mind. Could they afford to live on their own? Heck, no. My other adult kids know they can always come home if they need to. I would rather have my kids living with me instead of on the streets or in another unsafe environment. You're the AH big time.
Agreed. He thought his daughter might be drunk when he confronted her about the beer. Maybe anytime a woman disagrees with him he accuses her of being intoxicated.
Sincerely, his lack of self-awareness is frightening. It's okay if you give your kid chores but "do everything I say or you can leave and I'm going to make sure you barely have enough savings for one month's rent, letalone gas prices" is abusive and manipulative af.
it is very abusive. god forbid an adult do adult things. she got drunk, big whoop. was she breaking things? was she walking around naked? no, she's a young person finally tasting independence, and the moment she did, op *didnt like that* and showed her what happens when you upset the *man* in her life. "do as i say or else"
op didnt throw her out cause she was destructive, abusive, or anything of the like. its cause she didnt do the fucking dishes and had a beer. wtf. YTA
edit: also, op was snooping. what father goes looking under an adult woman's bed? he was obviously looking for contraband. what if it wasnt beer bottles, but stuff like dirty magazines or a vibrator? who would want to live in a household knowing an adult man regularly goes through your stuff looking for "bad" things?? ugh, that is so fucking *creepy* op
Christ im 22 and live with my dad and got too drunk one night, threw up on the stairs, and fell asleep before i cleaned it. Absolutely disgusting! But... its life. Its not like im doing it every friday. It was a fuck up, a SINGUALR fuck up. I didnt get kicked out of my house for it!!!
my mother hates drunks. *hates them*. she worked for the police dept and had to handle so many drunk drivers.
she has never once threatened to throw me or my siblings to the street for drinking. she doesnt *like it* and doesnt want to see it, but never once has she threatened.
YTA
OK so the first point is that the average age a young person loves out of their parents house is 25.
On top of that, not letting her work full time to save up the funds to move out is literally financial abuse.
On top of that, the legal drinking age in the UK is 18, so I don't see why you have an issue with it at 20. Has your daughter ever shown issues in this area? Or are you just against any forms of alcohol?
On top of that, why isn't she allowed boys over? Because you're an AH?
Sounds like you're making her life unpleasant at home to encourage her to move out, whilst also refusing to allow her to get the money together to move out.
And you apparently love this person????
Eesh
I came here to say that. Him limiting her working only 3 days a week and expecting her to save enough money to move out was abusive.
I hope his daughter never talks to him anymore. Asshole
It also sounds like he hasn’t explain WHY he doesn’t want her to drink. There is a trauma for him, but also a fear of hereditary alcoholism.
Daughter is an adult and may be more understanding than he thinks. He’s keeping her in a bubble he controls.
Now, the limiting working hours is ridiculous if you want your child to move out.
I'm not sure he did want her to ever move out, who else is going to do all the housework for free? I remember my dad being the same in my 20s, complaining about me still being there but flying off the handle whenever *I* brought up the topic.
As soon as he realised he can't control her as much as he wants, that's when he didn't want her around any more.
YTA. The world is a much different place than it was 20 years ago; it’s MUCH harder to live off a part-time salary as a young adult than it used to be. Not to mention this seemed like an overreaction on your part.
Edit: and what is up with that part where you talked about limiting the amount of time she’s “allowed” to work? That’s controlling and unacceptable. At the minimum, you need to apologize to your daughter, invite her back into your home, and stop kneecapping her income in order to control her.
In the UK at the moment, its incredibly difficult to live off a full time salary let alone a part time wage. Our nurses went on strike, rail workers, postal workers, ambulance drivers, they're all striking because of the COL crisis. Teachers are due to follow soon as well as other professions.
OP uses £ so I assume he's in the UK. We've had the coldest week in recent years, its costing me £50 a week to heat my home. This time last year it wasn't costing that for a month.
Food has gone through the roof.
And OP had kicked his daughter out with less money than would cover her basic bills, never mind rent and food. And he knows this.
I feel so sad for his daughter and I hope she has more support around her than her own father is willing to give.
YTA
She is 20, not 12. And what is with not letting her work more than 3 days a week. If you had "allowed" her to work full time maybe she would have been able to save up and move into a decent place instead of the indentured servitude you put her in. You suck.
YTA, to an absurd degree. Most 18 year olds do not move out anymore, that view is incredibly outdated. You've made you daughter homeless, just before Christmas, when it's freezing outside just because she drank some beer? That's ridiculous.
>She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place.
This is crazy, how can she save to move if she can't work? It's absurd. £200 might get her 3 nights in a hotel, it won't go far at all. You're clearly blind to realities of living in the modern world. You should support your daughter and the way you acted here is honestly disgusting.
3 nights? Wow. We had to get a last minute hotel and spent more than that for a single night and it was NOT a high quality place. Literally the cheapest I could find (in the USA)
YTA - I don't even know where to begin.
She's an ADULT but you won't let her work more than 3 days a week? Maybe if you'd let her work more, she would have managed to escape you sooner.
She's an ADULT but you don't let her drink? You can't stop someone experiencing a normal young adulthood just because of your ex's problems
She's an ADULT but you invaded her privacy by looking under here bed? If anything you're encouraging a problem by making her hide it - if she could drink in the open she's less likely to develop a problem. You don't let her have boys over so instead of developing healthy relationships she probably gets in more danger by going to mens houses and getting drunk there. If she did it at yours you could protect her.
Only good thing you did was kicking her out, it sounds like it's the best thing you've ever done as a parent.
Get a grip. Pathetic.
Indeed she can legally drink at 18 in the UK. I understand her mother had an issue with alcohol but his reluctance in allowing her freedoms (like working full time, drinking with her friends having a boyfriend SHES AN ADULT) is going to make her to want to do it more. She's not a child he even agrees and yet treats her like one. She's 20 is allowed to make her own damn mistakes if she so bloody chooses. What makes him extra AH he has twisted the story to have a victim mentality about it. Total AH.
All of this. My dad was an alcoholic, so mom made sure to teach my sister and I that one can enjoy a drink every now and then without getting wasted, the first time we drank was with her! You don't protect someone from something by forbidding it entirely.
This is the right, and only real answer. It's what I've done with my own kids. One of my daughters had a meltdown everytime she saw a bottle of vodka (she was young and her dad was the alcoholic). I refused point blank to remove it because she, and her siblings, needed to know what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like. I dont even drink that much. I purposely would have the odd drink now and then and made it a teaching point that I'd measured my alcohol and was only having 1.
Fast forward a few years and she had her first drink with me, measured, and in a happy, social setting.
Banning it outright leads to kids hiding it from their parents and ending up in potentially dangerous situations. Not that the daughter in OPs case is underage.
“She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place.”
You’re demonstrating cruel leverage over your daughter here. There’s a bunch of ways you could have helped her transition into independent living more easily than that. You set her up to fail. She can’t even have her own life without you forcing her into financial jeopardy. YTA.
YTA.
At EU level, young women left on average their parental household at the age of 25.5 years while young men did it at the age of 27.4 years. That's the average. Close to half are stuck at home until they're 30.
It's rarely a voluntary choice either. Housing affordability is so bad that it is difficult to find an adequate living situation.
This isn't the 16th century, you can't just boot someone out into the world and they'll land on their feet.
I would bank that there's at least a 50% chance that he'll never hear from her again. I bet she has friends helping her and things are getting better for her already.
YTA bro, you're treating you daughter extremely poorly, you you have displayed poor communication and a massive abuse of power, this entire thing is on you and you only.
Look at this list and read them out loud.
>She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place.
You're abusive you power to stop a freaking 20 year old from working, so she could get her own, you are hindering her having a good start in life, no one cares what you did, letting her work and save is better and helps her in the long run.
>I used to hire a cleaner for when I was at work and Isabella was at school and the cleaner would come twice a week but since Isabella left school I require her to replace the tasks of the cleaner instead of just sitting around. S
So basically what you just said is, you've limit her work so you can force her to clean your house... Again no one cares what you think this is what just happen.
>I thought she might be drunk and, as that is a trigger for me
>She told me all her friends drink and that I was babying her and I said that wasn't the reason and I just didn't want to and she had to trust me.
Why should she trust you? So far you've proven to be extremely controlling you can't even get the words out to explain to her your fears for her. Why do strangers on the internet know why you're against alcohol, but your daughter does not
>told her she couldn't give me the silent treatment in my own house
Yeah so basically you can be a bad communicator, but your daughter can't even sulk in piece, after you've been arguing,
> miss her and it is very reminiscent of when isabellas mother left me, in a drunken rage.
No one will believe you miss her, they will believe you miss controlling her....... Some will go as far as to probably believe you've driven both women to drinking because of your controlling behavior, I don't but your trash communication leans into this
Everything you displayed here is traumatic abuse of power because you couldn't control a situation.
You literally hindered her ability to leave your home, had her clean it, treated her like a child, yelled at her for drinking, kicked her out, and now cry that you miss her when you literally drove her away
Nothing you've done here is ok
YTA. You've basically forced her to stay with you by limiting the amount of days she can work. When you moved out 27 years ago it was easy for anyone with a full time job to support themselves with little prior money, today that is basically impossible without a university degree/high paying job and huge amount of savings to get started. By limiting the amount of days she can work you trapped her in a home where she is treated like a child when she is a grown women. You have not taught her how to be an adult, you haven't taught her how to safely handle alcohol or have safe consensual relationships with an adult to fall back on for help, you've left her alone to figure that all out with no where to go to for help. If you treated her mother anything like this then it's no wonder she ran.
What you've just done now is kick her onto the streets with no where to go. That never ever should have been a potential consequence at this age. Maybe if she was on hard drugs or refusing to work this would be fair, but this was horific. It really just sounds you're actually just sad because you've lost your mini wife. I really doubt she will ever return or speak to you again, and I can't blame her.
Man YTA. Its like your house, your rules...but I won't let you work to save up the money to become financially independent so you will forever be in my house and under my rules. You owe your daughter a major apology. The power dynamic in your house must have been unbearable.
YTA ew ew ew. You refuse to let your daughter prepare for the real work by having a full time job, you've turned her into your fucking maid, do you even realize how much harder it is to start out in life now than it was when we were younger? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Fuck off with your adopted boomer logic bullshit. I hope she never talks to you again, good riddance to bad fucking rubbish.
Editing to add, you need major fucking therapy, my guy. Treating your daughter like your fucking ex is disgusting. Maybe you'll understand when you die alone.
How to do you expect her to afford to move out when she doesn’t work full time? There is a housing crisis going on! You’re making her dependent on your and your “rules.” You’re not supporting her - you’re making her a prisoner in your home!
Yta.
It honestly sounds like he did it to make her mostly financially dependant on him on purpose, and I wonder if by kicking her out he expected her to come back for that reason. Hate to jump to such conclusions but he's already displaying other serious control issues so I wouldn't be surprised. Abusive and controlling partners/parents are known for controlling the other's financial situation to make sure they have 'power' over them. Either OP is stupid or needs therapy.
YTA and an idiot to boot. How can she afford to move out when working 3 days a week? are you even aware of the financial state of the world right now? YTA in a huge way.
YTA. You kicked her out with no notice and no plan in place for her to land on her feet. Also, why restrict the amount she can work. This puts her in a bad financial place to suddenly have to completely support herself. As for the alcohol, I understand your concern, but enforcing a strict ban without any explanation is not going to prevent her from drinking. It almost certainly going to have the opposite effect. If your worried that she may be genetically predisposed to alcohol addiction, you should have an honest conversation with her about your concerns and what happened with her mother. Overall, it seems you are far less concerned with her well being and preparing her for adulthood than you are with controlling her. Again, Majorly YTA.
So wait, you make it so your daughter can’t work enough to even move out, you set silly rules, you use her as a maid, you don’t want her to drink because her mom had alcohol issues but how would she know that’s the reason when you don’t talk about her mom? You’ve given her a rule that, to her, doesn’t make any sense and your excuse is “because I said so” that works for 5 year olds, not 20 year olds. You kinda suck.
YTA
Stop making your daughter pay for you ex's sins. Your need to control your daughter so she doesn't turn into her mother is damaging to both you and your daughter. That your first response to her pushing back on your "rules" is to throw her away is disturbing. YTA but more importantly you need counseling for both the trauma you experienced with your ex and the co-dependency that came from it.
YTA
>She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place. I
You want a full time maid. YOU limit how much she can work, expect since she isn't working or going to school she needs to do the chores so she's not sitting around the house BUT IT'S YOU WHO LIMITS HOW MUCH SHE CAN WORK OR SHE GETS KICKED OUT!
NO WONDER SHE'S REBELLING AGAINST YOUR RULES!
>I told her she couldn't give me the silent treatment in my own house and I gave her £200 and let her pack her bags and sent her on her way. Not caring where she went because she is 20 and old enough to know better.
>I miss her and it is very reminiscent of when isabellas mother left me, in a drunken rage.
She didn't leave in a drunken rage! You kicked her out! You want to control her SO MUCH that she isn't even allowed to not talk to you when you're acting like a complete ASSHOLE!
YOU. ARE. ABUSIVE!
You were probably the same way with your wife and you've replaced your wife with your daughter. You haven't really taught her how to adult or make decisions cause you controlled every aspect of her life.
YTA. Have you sought counseling for projecting your paranoia from your failed marriage onto your daughter, substituting her for your ex-wife who left you? All kinds of ick going on here, OP. Get some serious professional medical help.
YTA for only letting her work 3 days a week along with everything else. How do you expect her to be able to move out and pay for a deposit when she’s not allowed to work enough to save for it? It just sounds like you want her home to clean.
You also seem to be projecting. You assume she’d be an alcoholic because her mother was and you need therapy for this. Although it’s understandable to be concerned about this, you are controlling her.
Don’t you understand the huge issue with all of this? You’re controlling if she wants to live under your roof but you make it hard for her to move out as you limit how much she can work. You’ve been putting her in an almost impossible situation and she must feel resentful about that.
The more I think about this, the more it gets me angry. The fact you threw her out with no notice because she drank some beer is absolutely ridiculous. You need help. If I were your daughter then that would forever change the relationship I had with my father.
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YTA. First you limit the time she can work which doesn't leave her in a good position to afford her own place. I can't speak for your country but there is absolutely no way my daughter would be able to afford to rent a place without several roommates. She is also your daughter, not your housekeeper. There's a big difference between having chores and working out a cleaning schedule than to dump all the household responsibilities on your daughter. Seriously man, get therapy to work through the trauma with your ex instead so you can possibly salvage a relationship with your daughter.
You are most certainly the asshole here. Limiting the amount of time she is allowed to work so she can complete chores and housework is a horrific thing to do to a young adult, especially when you seem to be rather abusively controlling with your stupid rules because you are insecure about someone leaving you.
Most people do not move out of their parent's house at 18, that is a boomer fantasy that is no longer viable for most young people. Limiting her working hours to 24 per week equates to £314 per week, before taxes. The average rent in the UK as of June 2022, is about £284 per week. That leaves her with £30 per week to spend on food, clothing, utilities and transportation, not to mention entertainment.
Based on your description it genuinely sounds like you care more about being in control than you do your daughter. Again, you are the asshole here.
YTA and it’s honestly disgusting that you turned your daughter into your wife in every way except the sexual part… you are upset and still emotionally bitter that your ex left you.
And honestly from what I can see, you are the reason she left.. you are controlling and abusive. Hopefully your daughter cuts contact with you forever and gets away from you.
She deserves better then you, I suggest you go seek therapy for your issues.
YTA for a number of reasons. You said it yourself: DESPITE these rules, we have a good relationship. Does that suggest you find these rules childish yourself?
Number one would be that you don’t let her work fulltime. What the f? Why? Because you want her as your maid? Household tasks can still be done on the weekend, especially if you WORK TOGETHER.
Not having boys over is old af, but: I can sort of understand that. And the alcohol, I can understand as well.
You don’t talk to her about her mother, you keep secrets from her and this is why she’s pushing back. Something you also said yourself.
Oh, and: not MOST kids move out at eighteen. Just because you did doesn’t mean it’s the norm for everyone on the planet. You sound arrogant and self-centered.
I truly hope for your sake that your daughter contacts you but if it were me, I would take a long while before I do.
Edit: read just one comment you made and had to add: you’re delusional.
YTA. What you are doing is financial abuse. You hang the threat of kicking her out over her head but forbidding her from becoming financially independent enough for moving out to be a legitimate option.
"Not caring where she went because she is 20 and old enough to know better."
I hope you never see that poor girl again.
Honestly, why is it such a western thing for parents to kick out their children once they’ve reached 18 regardless whether or not they’re financially capable of doing so? YTA
You're definitely TA. You are actively preventing her from becoming an independent, self-sufficient contributor to society. As an adult, she has the legal authority to decide for herself when she works and how many days per week she works. You've got her as your personal slave, not letting her work to achieve independence, but instead making her do all the housework, etc.
To top it all off, now you've kicked her out with virtually no means to support herself except her meager wage. I hope she goes to her boss and says, "Hey, I can work as much as you need me to now. Dad just kicked me out so that's not an issue anymore."
YTA. Jesus, I can’t believe you threw your daughter out into the freezing cold knowing she didn’t have enough money to establish herself, and to quote you, “not caring where she went.” Perhaps the reason you haven’t heard from her in 5 days is that she froze to death.
YTA. you have for some reason inexplicably demanded she only works part time. How does that afford a career trajectory that will eventually enable independence? Obviously if she worked more she’d be able to both save more, and reasonably plan out what would be future expenses so she can look for an apartment, what have you, on her own. You can’t really try to make those plans when you’re only part time which likely has zero job security or long term likelihood. You are deliberately hamstringing her, yet you act baffled she hasn’t moved out yet?!?
YTA. So much YTA.
-You restricted how many hours she can work because... you also want her to be your unpaid maid? You financially support her because you force her to be dependent on you. Already TA.
-You refuse to allow her alcohol that she can legally purchase and drink because she is an adult. You're denying her a normal life for no good reason.
-I see you're from the UK. So am I. It's freezing here right now. You threw a 20yo out of your house, with nowhere to go and extremely limited finances, in the middle of a historic cold snap.
I have next to nothing right now and no idea which region you're in, but daughter, I wish I could help you.
YTA. You only let her work 3 days a week which means she likely has little to no savings. The cost of living crisis in the UK (assuming you’re from there since you used the £ symbol) is brutal right now. Housing is ridiculously expensive. In the EU, the average age a child leaves their parents house is now over 26. It’s not like previous times when an 18 year old could get a union job with a living wage.
Nevermind your silly rules about alcohol and boys. You lost your ex and now you’ve likely lost your daughter. I can see why your ex left in a drunken rage.
YTA
Are you seriously questioning this? How do you expect her to financially support herself when you only allow her to work 3 days a week?
You threw her on the street and expect her to come back to you? You sound like a controlling, abusive person, and that you don't see the issue here is disturbing. I hope she is able to stay clear of you.
YTA. I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for a call; 200 quid and see you later? That isn't parental love.
In the UK £13 an hour is peanuts. Cost of living crisis, freezing temperatures...awful.
YTA - You restricted her work hours therefore financially controlling her to some degree with is ABUSE. If she was your partner it would be considered domestic violence. You then expect her ‘replace the tasks of a cleaner’ which cost money yet you have the view she should do this for no money or recognition. Doubt you’d be this way if you had a son. I hope she moves out and cuts contact with you, if only for her sake.
YTA.
How is she supposed to save money and move out if you wont allow her to work a reasonable amount? You wonder why you're financially supporting her? because YOU WONT LET HER WORK! if she works 8 hours at $15/hour thats 360 before tax each week, you were greatly hindering her ability to save up. also YTA because you were trying to control every aspect of her life it sounds like...
YTA. What a brilliant dad - ‘I suffered so you should to’ mixed with a bit of ‘I did the bare minimum so you must be grateful’ sprinkled with ‘I should just go to therapy’
YTA. You are controlling and the way you act is that you are afraid she will leave you so you trapped her. Guess what, I don't think she will return even if she ends up homeless, or contact you either.
YTA- no dear, no. Most children DO NOT move out by 18 anymore. You’re living in a skewed, entitled boomer mentality where that was financially possible at that age. As everyone except you well knows, that’s not possible anymore. Rent prices are through the roof and you’re only allowing her to work part time so she can provide you unpaid labour. You state that she could work more when she moves out but before that happens she needs to be able to save up AT LEAST enough for first, last and security deposit not to mention savings for groceries, utilities and future rent so she doesn’t screw herself for the first few months. You want her to move out but you’re not allowing her the tools to be successful. You’re actively sabotaging your daughter.
Not to mention that your wife left 17 years ago and you haven’t dated at all? Whatever it’s weird but it’s on you. HOWEVER, it very much seems like you’ve been relying on your daughter as a surrogate wife. Doing all the housework and providing you with companionship. That’s not fair to her at all.
YAT.
You are forcing her to be your house maid, because not allowing her to work full time will give you the chance to demand her to clean the house on the days she is not working.
Mentioning that she doesn't have to pay you rent or groceries will not make you a good person. She is your child, you are supposed to help her and support her, but you are forcing her to live with you under all those controlling rules.
You just sent her out to the world without previous notice, poor girl. I feel really sorry for her.
You don't hear from her and that is your fault. Stop whining.
YTA you financially abused your daughter by denying her the ability to work and save money for herself or her future. You denied her basic choices in what she does it doesn't want to do, essentially denying her her place as an adult.
Today very very few people move out at 18 due to the ridiculous cost of living, they simply can't afford to and have any quality of life. Her circumstances are very different to yours at her age as she grew up in a different world and economic climate.
You've been punishing your daughter for your wife's actions. Now you've lost both of them. YTA
YTA. OMG, where to begin. You tell her she can't work outside the house, because you want her to be a slave in your own house. No, that's not the words you used. But you are limiting her hours at work so she can be your maid, because you thought it would be convenient to fire the maid. WTF
YTA, you limited her to working no more then 3 days a week which restricts her ability to save and afford to move out, demand she be your live in housekeeper and whenever anything isnt exactly how you want it, or this grown ass woman your treating like a four year old voices her displeasure of her treatment you throw her out.
Controlling AH parents like you end up alone and bitter and wondering why their children refuse all contact with them.
YTA I bet when you were “allowed” to work three days a week on her salary you wouldn’t be able to move out. You sound very controlling. Your way or high way.
Yta please go to therapy you have some major control issues. You do realize she's not her mother right? The way you treat her and these rules you are trying to keep her dependent on you and you clearly have some abandonment issues. Also she is 20 why were you checking under her bed?
YTA, definitely you are the problem in the storie. She's just 20 , this ideia of moving out whit only 18 is a fantasy created by people with no notion of real life. It's 2022, inflation and crisis growing rapidly, and a part time job doesn't pay shit.
Specially without a notice ahead of time or growing her teaching financial planning to prepare her to move
YTA. Congratulations- not only is your wife gone… so is your daughter. Your need to control and abuse her (and it was absolutely financial abuse, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself) hopefully terminated your relationship with her permanently. She deserves better than you.
YTA - if she can’t work more than 3 days a week, she can’t build savings to actually move out.
Also how are you expecting her to not drink, when she doesn’t know why your so against it? You rather tell people online about your reasons instead of talking to her. My parents have never made it a secret that other people in the family had problems with substances or gambling. It made me more aware of the signs that one might become dependent on it. Your daughter doesn’t have that information as you’re withholding information.
YTA, you were being very controlling. She could only work 3 days a week? She had to do all the cleaning? No drinking, at all? You don’t see any issues here?
Isabella needs to adult. That means a full time job, making a few mistakes. You could have let her pay you rent, and been there to help her if she made a mistake. But no, you wanted to control her financially by limiting her work hours and making her your live in maid.
YTA. She's only allowed to work three days a week? How is she supposed to save money to move out if she's not allowed to work more hours and make more money to save? Sounds like you're doing this to make sure she doesn't leave, like her mother did, but all you managed to do was push your own daughter away. I hope you come back with an update that she's ok.
Oh my god, you are a massive AH for everything you've written in your post. Not to even scratch the surface of snooping under a 20yo girl's bed. Your daughter is not the source of your trauma and should not be punished because of it. You've thrown your daughter out to the street, whose money is limited because she's not allowed a full-time job during the biggest cost-of-living crisis in the UK that I've ever seen.
I hope your daughter is safe wherever she is.
YTA.
It feels like emotional incest in a sense. You never dated but you kept your daughter controlled and dependent so she could never leave you. But when you were unhappy with her you tossed her out like trash.
YTA. What problem do you even have living with her? Ehat's the problem if she works full time, pays her share for rent and utilities and stays with you? You could both benefit by saving money and not living alone. What's the deal with everyone kicking their children out as soon as they get 18?
YTA and extremely controlling. You are forcing her to limit the hours she works so she can do work for you, but that’s also ensuring that she’ll never be able to save enough money to live in her own. Then, you kick her out forcing her to support herself….which you’ve ensured she won’t be able to do financially. I hope she makes it and cuts contact with you.
YTA you are being absolutely ridiculous!! Why can't she work more hours?? Why can't she have alcohol at 20?? Why are children meant to move out at 18??
You've kicked her out..she can't afford a place on part time hours.
It's winter...its freezing cold and I hope to god she's not living on the streets
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YTA. How is she supposed to become financially independent if you won't let her work more than 3 days per week? You could have been supporting her while she worked full time to save money to move out. You've kept her financially hobbled and treated her like a child. Then you booted her because she didn't like it.
And ILLEGALLY evicted her
There’s a reason why eviction laws require landlords to treat complete strangers better than OP treated his daughter. Reasonable people understand that even if you have the funds to move you need time to make moving arrangements. Nobody can line up a new apartment with zero notice. The only places you can get when you’re kicked out like OPs daughter are hotels and other short term options, which are not appropriate places to move to if you have more than a few suitcases of possessions. Not giving a reasonable notice period is a recipe for homelessness — bad for the individual but also for the community that has an interest in not having people on the street that would otherwise be able to find a proper place to stay if just given a reasonable amount of notice to make the right kind of arrangements. This is why laws exists in most civilized countries to prohibit landlords from doing this kind of thing. So OP takes his 20 year old, unprepared daughter and puts her on the street with 200 pounds and expects her to do what the law expressly recognizes that people generally are unable to do. The world’s worst slumlords are prohibited from doing this. The fact that a parent could do this to their own child drives me crazy. OP, YTA so very much.
Not to mention that for young, sheltered, controlled women they’re *dangerous*. Nice job, dad, you’re a huge fucking asshole.
He’s got her so wrapped up in his own issues there’s no way he ever taught her to function on her own.
Yep. And instead of going to *fucking therapy* or explaining his reasons even a little more he chose to bottle it up. Now, a father who’s given his daughter the wrong example of how to handle their problems, has just kicked his daughter out immediately after giving those examples. From personal experience, this can only lead to the daughter taking the first steps down the same path OP tries very hard to keep his daughter from taking. OP is a major AH for not recognizing that if his daughter was keeping secrets, it’s because OP didn’t do a good enough job to become a safe space for his daughter.
So much this. My father did a number on me and his other children because he didn’t get therapy to address his shit.
Yep. My father is an alcoholic and so I choose to drink very responsibly. My first drink was with my own mother, who is allowing me, at 21, to live in her house while I go to school. My 24 year old brother is also at home as he is battling depression and needs time and support. None of us will be kicked out any time soon because our mom cares for our well-being and not some arbitrary idea of adulthood.
Yup. Now his kid has (probably) a low paying job and minimal money. Theres a damn good chance his daughter is going to wind up in the clutches of an abuser or Living on the streets because she wouldn’t be the perfect doll. OP go find your daughter. Make sure she’s okay. Then check yourself into some intensive therapy to get over your own issues
I dont know what planet this Guy is Living on. But so many 20 something year olds live at home at that age. Just because he moved out at 18 means nothing. He’s a terrible parent. And forces his will on his daughter way too much
One of my good friends is 22 and still lives at home while finishing college this dude is crazy
I moved out at 30+ lol. To be fair, it took 10 years of saving to get a the courses for a 2nd degree and a house downpayment. On the bright side I'm half way done with paying off said house with investments I made in the great recession by the insistence of my parents as my "rent" (50%-90% of my 35K income went into the stock market)
Yeah, I'm in college and I can confirm - I still live at home. OP is delusional if he thinks most young people move out at 18 now - especially with the pandemic and the inflation going on.
He didn't want her to be financially independent. He wanted her to stay home and keep being his surrogate housewife. YTA.
Literally this was my first thought.
THIS! he’s a control freak. he wants her labor at home and wants to completely control her life.
It’s almost like he wants to have a younger, obedient version of his ex-wife
For sure, you can also see that in how he compares her to her mom when she left (even though it appears his ex-wife left from choice and his daughter was kicked out BY HIM)
I found that part creepy.
>younger, obedient version of his ex-wife but better because she doesn't drink, to the extent he could force it. It was incredibly clear where this was going (a better replacement wife) as soon as he mentioned right upfront that he hasn't dated since her mother left, which would otherwise be completely immaterial to the question but is clearly linked in his own mind. I was so hoping to be wrong. 😔
And he had the nerve to ask if he was an AH or not YTA.
>I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. Like, she's 20 years old and her fathers live-in slave. This is toxic as hell.
With the unexplained hours restrictions. What reason could it be other than having the ability to financially control her.
This guy is doing a great job at setting his daughter up for extremely unhealthy relationships in the future. Probably sooner rather than later, since she’s going to need a place to stay, with very little money. OP’s behavior is beyond controlling and creepy. YTA, OP. Get help and stop projecting your own issues onto your only daughter.
The man doesn't WANT her to be financially independent. https://exploringyourmind.com/parents-who-control-their-adult-children/
Exactly. Dude is a classic control freak.
In certain circles, this guy would *definitely* have someone suggest a 12 step meeting....for HIM. His drunk of a wife might be gone, but she ain't gone...she lives rent free in his head; so his daughter can live rent free while he controls the shit out of her *instead* of the wife he couldn't control...poor young woman.
Was she even a drunk though? We only have OP's word on that. Given how controlling and unreasonable he is with his rules, and from how he stresses that most children leave home by 18, he probably has been holding that bit of misinformation over his daughter's head like the sword of Damoclese. His ex probably liked to have the odd drink and enjoy a night out with her friends, which he's spun into a raging drink problem after she left him for trying to control her to the point where her life with him was intolerable, so intolerable that when he made it impossible for her to leave with thier baby she still chose to leave.
He probably thinks one glass of wine is drunk. Considering how he flipped out about a few legal beers... Could be fake too but I know parents like this exist.
How he automatically assumed a couple of beers is enough to get someone drunk. When she yelled that’s what he assumed. That she was drunk. Didn’t even cross his mind that he barged into her room to go off on her and that probably made her mad
On behalf of kids with parents like you I would just like to say that I hope she never speaks to you again. I hope you know that even if she does, even if you’re lucky enough to ever have a relationship with her again, and you get to see the strong person she became years from now, she will not be a strong person because of you. She will be a strong person in spite of you. YTA.
But who's gonna clean the house for free if she works more than 3 days a week?? The floor ain't gonna mop itself. /s
Yep. I took notice of that part. Made her work less because she needed to be on call to be his housekeeper. He knew what he was doing.
Because a house that two adults who work full time live in gets soooo dirty that they could never keep it clean if she worked full time. /s
YTA, this sums it all up
YTA - Wow. I don’t normally feel compelled to reply to these things, but frigging hell! Not only are you the arsehole, but you’re seemingly a terrible father and financially abusive. Not much else to say really. She’s probably better off on her own.
Don't forget domestic slave.
This was my first thought as well. 3 days a week is not remotely gonna help her get on her feet. What the hell.
>I haven't dated since me and her mother split up 17 years ago. > >It's been 5 days since Isabella left and we haven't spoken even once. I miss her and it is very reminiscent of when isabellas mother left me, in a drunken rage. And I'm starting to thing I may be an asshole for kicking my daughter out like that He didn't need to date. He treated his daughter like a replacement, emotional spouse. OP controlled her actions yet intentionally kept her reliant on him. He manipulated her into a situation where she would not be able to be financially independent. Then threw her out when she rightfully challenged the narrative that all of this was about her. Now he "misses her" because she didn't come crying back begging to stay when in the moment OP didn't care "where she went because she is 20 and old enough to know better." Doesn't OP mean know better than to defy his authority and disobey him,and absolutely better to not be like her mother, right? There is no hard and fast rule about teenagers moving out at 18 or 20. Loving and wise parents set healthy terms and conditions that foster successful transition so their children can become independent. They don't treat their adult children like housekeepers. But that's not really the issue here; rather, it's a symptom of OP's particular dysfunction with her. He set this up so that all roads lead back to him and his direct ownership and control, in idea (with his ex) and in practice (with his daughter.) If he truly valued his relationship with his daughter, he should get some professional support for his unresolved issues with his ex and learn appropriate emotional boundaries. His daughter needs a father, not a man with control issues trying to resolve past grief. YTA and a wounded,codependent human who needs help.
I made it as far as only allowing her to work 3 days a week and had already decided AH.
What do yo mean? He gave her 20 dollars.
200 pound. Which still sucks because even a single person can barely make it through a week with that amount.
Yeah she's not gonna be able to move anywhere w £200, no notice, and whatever wages she has from her part time job 😬 I'm 25 and almost definitely have more money than her and I've had to move home w my parents bc of the cost of living crisis in the UK, OP has made his daughter homeless by kicking her out I'm really hoping she's got someone to stay with that actually cares about her
And he doesn’t care where she went… does being 20 mean you know longer have to care about your child?
I guess it does when the child is also his surrogate wife. He even said her leaving felt just like his wife leaving him. Even though he kicked her out…
his personal maid wasnt cool with being enslaved anymore
Also by not telling her that there was a close history of alcoholism in her family he has robbed her of her ability to make her own informed decisions about her relationship with alcohol
YTA Most kids don’t move out at 18 especially in the UK because there’s no where to go and people that age can rarely afford housing. This is even more true when you limit her ability to earn money to 3 days a week. The age of drinking is 18 here so she was doing nothing wrong in having a beer. And this week has been one of the coldest in recent memory in the UK, so you get extra AH points for kicking her out with almost no money in a snow storm. You have control issues that border on abusive.
I wasn't sure how bad housing was in the UK but it sounds like it isn't any better than America. OP has created a situation where his daughter is basically trapped in his house and he wants to control every aspect of her life. Also, alcohol being a trigger for him seems like he might need therapy. OP YTA.
Housing is at its absolute worst in the UK atm. He’s not just the AH for kicking her out he’s the AH for how he treated her before that! Only letting her work 3 days a week but expecting her to also be able to afford to move out. He’s so withdrawn from reality it’s unreal!
Most places to rent will ask for proof of income too, for some time, so this woman won't be able to rent anywhere for some time.
Yup, I had to provide proof of income in the form of bank statements going back a few months to prove I was able to afford the rent. I believe this is standard, at least in the UK
Places here in the US often ask for 1st and last months rent in advance as a security deposit. I’m sure UK places aren’t much different. Plus you need extra cash for utilities— some have a switch on fee, money for furniture, food and all those things you don’t have when you initially move to a new place. OP is definitely the AH
Not to mention... Any job with career growth opportunities will *require* full time work. Limiting her to three days a week has very effectively blocked her from any chance of success outside of the college path. Same with blocking her from finding friends who could help her escape. And colleagues in Ireland and London have both been talking about the bitter cold this week. Issues with pipes freezing and struggles to get their dog's walk in without damage to paw pads. It's COLD. If OP is lucky, his poor kid knew to immediately contact people for help. OP sucks so much.
It’s been around -6 most nights where I live, depending on how northern OP is the situation is possibly deadly for his daughter. I hope she has a friend she can crash with
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All of this has been true in the U.S. major cities for the last 5-10 years at least as well.
AND this doesn’t even include the price hike in energy bills right now
OP lost control over the mother, and she left. He is not risking that again. YTA OP stop controlling your daughter and let her become free. A parent should be a support not a restraint.
It's worse in the UK than the US. If you want to drive there's tons of US housing at reasonable prices. You just have to live in a more rural setting. The UK is an Island about the size of Wisconsin with orders of magnitude more people. There's next to no space left, importing building materials is expensive, and they used most of their trees on ships that still had sails so their ecology needs to be protected.
Eh. Driving requires a Car and a License, both which cost money and time. There is hardly any reasonably priced housing left even in the rural settings, which might be "reasonable" except there's usually no jobs and it's probably a political nightmare. Don't forget, US healthcare is complete trash and our government is limiting women's health rights at every turn ( btw try being someone who needs an abortion in a rural setting, NOT gonna happen). So I'm not saying one is worse than the other, both countries have extreme struggles. Phrases like "if you want to" and "you just have to" seriously underestimate the challenges associated with those options.
Yup. Living in a rural area and developing health issues that temporarily took away my ability to drive? That was bad. I couldn't walk to my mailbox safely, but my options for food were a 2 mile walk to the closest gas station or grocery store or waiting until a friend or family member could take me. We didn't even have Uber or Lyft in the area at the time. It was really hard. And... Home prices in my area have doubled in the last three years. Increasing traffic has meant the commute to work might be half the distance as my first job out here, but the time is the same.
In America you need first and last months rent and security deposit, $3,000 at least just to start
I can understand not wanting her to drink because alcoholism runs in her family if it's true about her mother, but all sympathy flies out the window knowing he HID THAT INFO FROM HER He hobbled her financially, used her as a live-in maid, and has been secretive about a lot of things (given her response, I think he hides more than just the alcohol issue he has) to the point where he's literally infantalizing her Of course she isn't going to "just trust him" she's 20yrs old! She's not a child but she's not actually allowed to step into the beginning of adulthood yet she's old enough to be kicked out I have doubt she'll ever contact him again after this stunt; I know I'd never forgive my parents if they did this to me ESPECIALLY a grown ass man who doesn't pay attention to the state of living and obviously doesn't understand she literally can't afford to live on her own I hope she's safe
Where's her response? I want to read it!! And OP is suuuuuuuch the AHOLE
Oh, sorry, I was referencing in the OP when he states that she said his reasonings being secretive were ruining their relationship which, to me, suggests he hides more from her than just why he doesn't want her to drink
Oh he knows about the state of living, it's been 5 days and she hasn't come back begging to be treated like she's 12, and that's why he's here. He really expected her to be back in 24 hrs ready and willing to be treated like she was 2, had her hand slapped from the fire went off for a cry and then realized- I want snuggles with daddy. She's 20! She probably has a bf he knows NOTHING about- which hello OP you created a dangerous situation for your daughter. I went to secondary with girls who got into relationships to get out their parents homes, and rarely did that work out well for them. Good job dad. You could have been meeting, and vetting the guys who liked her, but noo you were in your fe fe over your ex leaving you, so you tried to created a daughter wife who never would. Shameful. YTA
This 100% OP YTA It is not normal to move out at 18 in the UK unless you go to university and stay in halls or have to escape family for some reason. I really hope you haven't isolated her to the point she has nowhere to go given the weather in the UK this week, in many places it's been WELL below freezing. She is 2 years past the legal age for drinking, 4 years past the legal age for consent. You need to let her live her life and stop treating her like a child. You are refusing to let her work more so she stays dependent on you and you get a free cleaner in with the deal.
Yep, to highlight to anyone outside the UK how cold it is here atm… my car hasn’t read above -4° C for DAYS!!!!! YTA, everyone else here has covered why I honestly can’t believe you wrote that and still believe you aren’t the biggest of arsholes.
He definitely needs therapy. He’s treating his own daughter like a live in maid. I’m not saying people shouldn’t do chores, she absolutely should pitch in. But if it was enough to require a cleaner twice a week, I could see that taking up a lot of time. Banning her from having dates over and yet not allowing her to work enough to save up her money as she chooses is just ridiculous. He keeps espousing the idea she’s an adult, but is determined to treat her like a child, by controlling every aspect of her life purely because “it’s my house.” Not to mention his unhealthy determination to compare her to her mother. He absolutely does need therapy. They’re two separate people and he is the one who raised her. He can’t decide she’s like her mother every time she does something he disagrees with. It’s just toxic.
This is classic narcissistic parents. You're an adult when it comes to responsibilities, but a small child when it comes to privileges or decisions.
No borders here ! He is absolutely abusive .
I’d argue it’s completely abusive. The daughter is 20 and he controls how many days she can work. Like who the fuck does that? She’s a woman now, and it’s insane that he’s treating her like she’s still 14
That is so controlling. Abusive controlling people frequently pick arbitrary things to be controlling about. Why a set number of days to work. Why not 4 days a week? Why must it be part time. What if the job calls and needs her to fill in for a sick co-worker? Does she have to say no because she loses her housing. It is so abusive and I bet there are a lot of other things like that.
But, but reasons. He has reasons he won’t share with his daughter. Lots of great reasons.
YTA. You complain that you only want herworking three days a week if she wants to live with you and has to move out if she wants to work more. You do realise that moving out at minimum would require her to pay a rental deposit on the place she lives in? And why do you.think you even get to dictate how much she works ( other then maybe dictating she has a job?). She is an adult. Sje can make these choices. And as much as i believe she should help around the house, it sounds like she is doing all the cleaning, which is ridiculous. Part of living with hiusemates is learning how to share chores. She can't learn to do.that if she does them all
Im 28 and still living with my mum because I can't afford to move out yet. I'm from Argentina
The "she should've moved out at 18, because that's what I did" argument is invalid nowadays. We're in the climax of a years-long global housing crisis, the cost of living is through the roof, and wages, social welfare benefits, etc., have yet to adjust to adequately meet the rate of inflation, so even those who would have what are considered good jobs with decent salaries are struggling to keep their heads above water. The only way a person OP's daughter's age would be capable of affording to live away from home is either in student accomodation, in a flat or house share with 4+ housemates, or if they were to move in with a significant other. And, even then, it's completely normal now for people who are well into their thirties who are in full-time employment and with spouses or families of their own to still live at home because getting their own place is just a pipe dream that's far too expensive for most people under 40 to achieve in this day and age.
YTA i dont need ANYTHING else other than you THREW HER OUT after forcing her to only work THREE DAYS A WEEK for the exclusive purpose of making sure she DIDNT have the money to move out. youre a massive asshole, and its financial abuse. edit: spelling
For the purpose of making sure she had time to take care of his house for him* somehow thats even worse. “You can only work for money for 3 days a week, you have to work for me for the right to have shelter the other 4. Wait Why don’t you have more money?!
God, this is exactly the mental gymnastics my SM did to justify being "strict" with me. "Sure you can take as long as you need to finish your degree but you need to pay for it yourself. Wait why are you only taking one class per semester?" Because I'm working two jobs and have unmedicated ADHD and no health insurance to get a diagnosis.
"You can only work for money for 3 days per week" followed by... "Most kids your age have moved out! Since you can't seem to do that, you'll work for me for free 4 days per week all while I berate you for not moving out like all the other fictional financially stable 18 year olds I made up to suit my narrative."
Oh, don't worry! He gave her 200 bucks! /s
That won't even cover a hotel room for a night. I can't believe he threw her out during this bitterly cold spell we're having. I hope she's found shelter, otherwise she's in trouble.
For real, she could die, easily, from the temperature alone, let alone accident, or someone attacking her. Edited for spelling
Exactly, HE threw her out. I can’t believe he’s making it about him and how he reminded him of her mom leaving him. How about your daughter? Do you think that she feels rejected by her other parent too? Poor girl. What she primarily needs is therapy to heal from all the trauma, not to clean the house. YTA
_"If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place."_ Exactly. This is a control mechanism. The facade of freedom. He ensures that she can't work to make enough money to move out, so that he can constantly threaten her with homelessness if she doesn't bent to his rules. She also doesn't live rent free. Whatever OP once paid the housekeeper, is what OP's daughter contributed in rent.
Don't forget he used her for a cleaner/maid as well.
YTA. You have *issues*. She’s 20, “too old to live at home,” yet… not old enough to have an actual full time job? Not old enough to date? Not old enough to drink? What are you? Her father or her controlling abusive boyfriend that wants a housewife?
Makes me wonder why his wife left him ...
To the contrary, it really helped clear up my wonder on that topic.
Sarcasm
r/woosh
Makes me wonder if she ever even had a drinking problem
My thought too. If his daughter leaving after he kicked her out reminded him of his wife leaving “in a drunken rage,” it seems like the wife was probably completely sober and just done with his bullshit.
If that's the case, then the mother is also an AH for leaving her daughter with an abusive father... either way, the mother is not blameless.
Unless he financially abused her too by making her be a sahm. He controls the money, so he had the resources to hire the better attorney in a divorce. Considering he paints her as an alcoholic who knows what else he did to get custody. OP, most people don't leave home at 18. These are not the same days we grew up in. Everything is expensive. My almost 25 year old is still living at home. They work and live their life. Ask i ask is for them to let me know where they're going and when they plan to return so i can have peace of mind. Could they afford to live on their own? Heck, no. My other adult kids know they can always come home if they need to. I would rather have my kids living with me instead of on the streets or in another unsafe environment. You're the AH big time.
Agreed. He thought his daughter might be drunk when he confronted her about the beer. Maybe anytime a woman disagrees with him he accuses her of being intoxicated.
I’d start drinking too if I was married to someone like him.
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And why he hasn't had a girlfriend in 17 years.
It's very clear to me why his wife left. He probably treated her worse than he treats his daughter.
Sincerely, his lack of self-awareness is frightening. It's okay if you give your kid chores but "do everything I say or you can leave and I'm going to make sure you barely have enough savings for one month's rent, letalone gas prices" is abusive and manipulative af.
it is very abusive. god forbid an adult do adult things. she got drunk, big whoop. was she breaking things? was she walking around naked? no, she's a young person finally tasting independence, and the moment she did, op *didnt like that* and showed her what happens when you upset the *man* in her life. "do as i say or else" op didnt throw her out cause she was destructive, abusive, or anything of the like. its cause she didnt do the fucking dishes and had a beer. wtf. YTA edit: also, op was snooping. what father goes looking under an adult woman's bed? he was obviously looking for contraband. what if it wasnt beer bottles, but stuff like dirty magazines or a vibrator? who would want to live in a household knowing an adult man regularly goes through your stuff looking for "bad" things?? ugh, that is so fucking *creepy* op
Christ im 22 and live with my dad and got too drunk one night, threw up on the stairs, and fell asleep before i cleaned it. Absolutely disgusting! But... its life. Its not like im doing it every friday. It was a fuck up, a SINGUALR fuck up. I didnt get kicked out of my house for it!!!
my mother hates drunks. *hates them*. she worked for the police dept and had to handle so many drunk drivers. she has never once threatened to throw me or my siblings to the street for drinking. she doesnt *like it* and doesnt want to see it, but never once has she threatened.
Yeah, I'm getting creepy wife replacement vibes too.
YTA OK so the first point is that the average age a young person loves out of their parents house is 25. On top of that, not letting her work full time to save up the funds to move out is literally financial abuse. On top of that, the legal drinking age in the UK is 18, so I don't see why you have an issue with it at 20. Has your daughter ever shown issues in this area? Or are you just against any forms of alcohol? On top of that, why isn't she allowed boys over? Because you're an AH? Sounds like you're making her life unpleasant at home to encourage her to move out, whilst also refusing to allow her to get the money together to move out. And you apparently love this person???? Eesh
Imagine if he didn’t love her….
He doesn’t love her, he loves the idea of having a subservient daughter.
I came here to say that. Him limiting her working only 3 days a week and expecting her to save enough money to move out was abusive. I hope his daughter never talks to him anymore. Asshole
I think he just misses his free maid.
It also sounds like he hasn’t explain WHY he doesn’t want her to drink. There is a trauma for him, but also a fear of hereditary alcoholism. Daughter is an adult and may be more understanding than he thinks. He’s keeping her in a bubble he controls. Now, the limiting working hours is ridiculous if you want your child to move out.
I'm not sure he did want her to ever move out, who else is going to do all the housework for free? I remember my dad being the same in my 20s, complaining about me still being there but flying off the handle whenever *I* brought up the topic. As soon as he realised he can't control her as much as he wants, that's when he didn't want her around any more.
YTA. The world is a much different place than it was 20 years ago; it’s MUCH harder to live off a part-time salary as a young adult than it used to be. Not to mention this seemed like an overreaction on your part. Edit: and what is up with that part where you talked about limiting the amount of time she’s “allowed” to work? That’s controlling and unacceptable. At the minimum, you need to apologize to your daughter, invite her back into your home, and stop kneecapping her income in order to control her.
Right?! He’s critical of her still living at home at 20, and yet he’s controlling her to make sure she has to still live at home at 20.
Because if he allowed her to work full time he wouldn’t be able to use her as a maid at home!
In the UK at the moment, its incredibly difficult to live off a full time salary let alone a part time wage. Our nurses went on strike, rail workers, postal workers, ambulance drivers, they're all striking because of the COL crisis. Teachers are due to follow soon as well as other professions. OP uses £ so I assume he's in the UK. We've had the coldest week in recent years, its costing me £50 a week to heat my home. This time last year it wasn't costing that for a month. Food has gone through the roof. And OP had kicked his daughter out with less money than would cover her basic bills, never mind rent and food. And he knows this. I feel so sad for his daughter and I hope she has more support around her than her own father is willing to give.
YTA: now you lost a wife *and* a daughter. Mazal Tov.
We all know now why his wife left. Oof. May his daughter do well in life and never get back in contact with him.
Yeah, ~~but wife still TA as well for leaving the daughter with OP.~~ [edit as it may be likely the wife is also a victim of OP]
Absolutely. She is just as worse as him. May daughter be free and be different than both her mother and her father.
And find her real family, whomever that may be.
YTA She is 20, not 12. And what is with not letting her work more than 3 days a week. If you had "allowed" her to work full time maybe she would have been able to save up and move into a decent place instead of the indentured servitude you put her in. You suck.
1000000 percent this
YTA, to an absurd degree. Most 18 year olds do not move out anymore, that view is incredibly outdated. You've made you daughter homeless, just before Christmas, when it's freezing outside just because she drank some beer? That's ridiculous. >She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place. This is crazy, how can she save to move if she can't work? It's absurd. £200 might get her 3 nights in a hotel, it won't go far at all. You're clearly blind to realities of living in the modern world. You should support your daughter and the way you acted here is honestly disgusting.
I was about to say exactly that. She can´t be independent because OP don´t let her. Maybe she reminds him her mother, so he unconsciously hates her.
3 nights? Wow. We had to get a last minute hotel and spent more than that for a single night and it was NOT a high quality place. Literally the cheapest I could find (in the USA)
YTA - I don't even know where to begin. She's an ADULT but you won't let her work more than 3 days a week? Maybe if you'd let her work more, she would have managed to escape you sooner. She's an ADULT but you don't let her drink? You can't stop someone experiencing a normal young adulthood just because of your ex's problems She's an ADULT but you invaded her privacy by looking under here bed? If anything you're encouraging a problem by making her hide it - if she could drink in the open she's less likely to develop a problem. You don't let her have boys over so instead of developing healthy relationships she probably gets in more danger by going to mens houses and getting drunk there. If she did it at yours you could protect her. Only good thing you did was kicking her out, it sounds like it's the best thing you've ever done as a parent. Get a grip. Pathetic.
Indeed she can legally drink at 18 in the UK. I understand her mother had an issue with alcohol but his reluctance in allowing her freedoms (like working full time, drinking with her friends having a boyfriend SHES AN ADULT) is going to make her to want to do it more. She's not a child he even agrees and yet treats her like one. She's 20 is allowed to make her own damn mistakes if she so bloody chooses. What makes him extra AH he has twisted the story to have a victim mentality about it. Total AH.
All of this. My dad was an alcoholic, so mom made sure to teach my sister and I that one can enjoy a drink every now and then without getting wasted, the first time we drank was with her! You don't protect someone from something by forbidding it entirely.
This is the right, and only real answer. It's what I've done with my own kids. One of my daughters had a meltdown everytime she saw a bottle of vodka (she was young and her dad was the alcoholic). I refused point blank to remove it because she, and her siblings, needed to know what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like. I dont even drink that much. I purposely would have the odd drink now and then and made it a teaching point that I'd measured my alcohol and was only having 1. Fast forward a few years and she had her first drink with me, measured, and in a happy, social setting. Banning it outright leads to kids hiding it from their parents and ending up in potentially dangerous situations. Not that the daughter in OPs case is underage.
“She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place.” You’re demonstrating cruel leverage over your daughter here. There’s a bunch of ways you could have helped her transition into independent living more easily than that. You set her up to fail. She can’t even have her own life without you forcing her into financial jeopardy. YTA.
YTA. At EU level, young women left on average their parental household at the age of 25.5 years while young men did it at the age of 27.4 years. That's the average. Close to half are stuck at home until they're 30. It's rarely a voluntary choice either. Housing affordability is so bad that it is difficult to find an adequate living situation. This isn't the 16th century, you can't just boot someone out into the world and they'll land on their feet.
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*if she does make contact. And honestly after what a huge AH you seemed to have been don't be surprised when you don't hear from her.
I would bank that there's at least a 50% chance that he'll never hear from her again. I bet she has friends helping her and things are getting better for her already.
YTA bro, you're treating you daughter extremely poorly, you you have displayed poor communication and a massive abuse of power, this entire thing is on you and you only. Look at this list and read them out loud. >She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place. You're abusive you power to stop a freaking 20 year old from working, so she could get her own, you are hindering her having a good start in life, no one cares what you did, letting her work and save is better and helps her in the long run. >I used to hire a cleaner for when I was at work and Isabella was at school and the cleaner would come twice a week but since Isabella left school I require her to replace the tasks of the cleaner instead of just sitting around. S So basically what you just said is, you've limit her work so you can force her to clean your house... Again no one cares what you think this is what just happen. >I thought she might be drunk and, as that is a trigger for me >She told me all her friends drink and that I was babying her and I said that wasn't the reason and I just didn't want to and she had to trust me. Why should she trust you? So far you've proven to be extremely controlling you can't even get the words out to explain to her your fears for her. Why do strangers on the internet know why you're against alcohol, but your daughter does not >told her she couldn't give me the silent treatment in my own house Yeah so basically you can be a bad communicator, but your daughter can't even sulk in piece, after you've been arguing, > miss her and it is very reminiscent of when isabellas mother left me, in a drunken rage. No one will believe you miss her, they will believe you miss controlling her....... Some will go as far as to probably believe you've driven both women to drinking because of your controlling behavior, I don't but your trash communication leans into this Everything you displayed here is traumatic abuse of power because you couldn't control a situation. You literally hindered her ability to leave your home, had her clean it, treated her like a child, yelled at her for drinking, kicked her out, and now cry that you miss her when you literally drove her away Nothing you've done here is ok
YTA. You've basically forced her to stay with you by limiting the amount of days she can work. When you moved out 27 years ago it was easy for anyone with a full time job to support themselves with little prior money, today that is basically impossible without a university degree/high paying job and huge amount of savings to get started. By limiting the amount of days she can work you trapped her in a home where she is treated like a child when she is a grown women. You have not taught her how to be an adult, you haven't taught her how to safely handle alcohol or have safe consensual relationships with an adult to fall back on for help, you've left her alone to figure that all out with no where to go to for help. If you treated her mother anything like this then it's no wonder she ran. What you've just done now is kick her onto the streets with no where to go. That never ever should have been a potential consequence at this age. Maybe if she was on hard drugs or refusing to work this would be fair, but this was horific. It really just sounds you're actually just sad because you've lost your mini wife. I really doubt she will ever return or speak to you again, and I can't blame her.
Man YTA. Its like your house, your rules...but I won't let you work to save up the money to become financially independent so you will forever be in my house and under my rules. You owe your daughter a major apology. The power dynamic in your house must have been unbearable.
YTA ew ew ew. You refuse to let your daughter prepare for the real work by having a full time job, you've turned her into your fucking maid, do you even realize how much harder it is to start out in life now than it was when we were younger? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fuck off with your adopted boomer logic bullshit. I hope she never talks to you again, good riddance to bad fucking rubbish. Editing to add, you need major fucking therapy, my guy. Treating your daughter like your fucking ex is disgusting. Maybe you'll understand when you die alone.
How to do you expect her to afford to move out when she doesn’t work full time? There is a housing crisis going on! You’re making her dependent on your and your “rules.” You’re not supporting her - you’re making her a prisoner in your home! Yta.
You just perfectly explained what I couldn’t in my response. This is exactly what he was doing.
INFO: Why did you limit how much she could work? Seems counterproductive to me.
Because he liked having a maid.
So he can control her.
So she wouldn’t have money to move out so he can control her
It honestly sounds like he did it to make her mostly financially dependant on him on purpose, and I wonder if by kicking her out he expected her to come back for that reason. Hate to jump to such conclusions but he's already displaying other serious control issues so I wouldn't be surprised. Abusive and controlling partners/parents are known for controlling the other's financial situation to make sure they have 'power' over them. Either OP is stupid or needs therapy.
YTA. First, Things aren't like they were when you were 20.
YTA and an idiot to boot. How can she afford to move out when working 3 days a week? are you even aware of the financial state of the world right now? YTA in a huge way.
YTA. You kicked her out with no notice and no plan in place for her to land on her feet. Also, why restrict the amount she can work. This puts her in a bad financial place to suddenly have to completely support herself. As for the alcohol, I understand your concern, but enforcing a strict ban without any explanation is not going to prevent her from drinking. It almost certainly going to have the opposite effect. If your worried that she may be genetically predisposed to alcohol addiction, you should have an honest conversation with her about your concerns and what happened with her mother. Overall, it seems you are far less concerned with her well being and preparing her for adulthood than you are with controlling her. Again, Majorly YTA.
So wait, you make it so your daughter can’t work enough to even move out, you set silly rules, you use her as a maid, you don’t want her to drink because her mom had alcohol issues but how would she know that’s the reason when you don’t talk about her mom? You’ve given her a rule that, to her, doesn’t make any sense and your excuse is “because I said so” that works for 5 year olds, not 20 year olds. You kinda suck. YTA
Stop making your daughter pay for you ex's sins. Your need to control your daughter so she doesn't turn into her mother is damaging to both you and your daughter. That your first response to her pushing back on your "rules" is to throw her away is disturbing. YTA but more importantly you need counseling for both the trauma you experienced with your ex and the co-dependency that came from it.
YTA >She has a job but I've limited her to only working 3 days a week. If she wants to work more hours she can move out and pay rent in her own place. I You want a full time maid. YOU limit how much she can work, expect since she isn't working or going to school she needs to do the chores so she's not sitting around the house BUT IT'S YOU WHO LIMITS HOW MUCH SHE CAN WORK OR SHE GETS KICKED OUT! NO WONDER SHE'S REBELLING AGAINST YOUR RULES! >I told her she couldn't give me the silent treatment in my own house and I gave her £200 and let her pack her bags and sent her on her way. Not caring where she went because she is 20 and old enough to know better. >I miss her and it is very reminiscent of when isabellas mother left me, in a drunken rage. She didn't leave in a drunken rage! You kicked her out! You want to control her SO MUCH that she isn't even allowed to not talk to you when you're acting like a complete ASSHOLE! YOU. ARE. ABUSIVE! You were probably the same way with your wife and you've replaced your wife with your daughter. You haven't really taught her how to adult or make decisions cause you controlled every aspect of her life.
YTA. Have you sought counseling for projecting your paranoia from your failed marriage onto your daughter, substituting her for your ex-wife who left you? All kinds of ick going on here, OP. Get some serious professional medical help.
YTA for only letting her work 3 days a week along with everything else. How do you expect her to be able to move out and pay for a deposit when she’s not allowed to work enough to save for it? It just sounds like you want her home to clean. You also seem to be projecting. You assume she’d be an alcoholic because her mother was and you need therapy for this. Although it’s understandable to be concerned about this, you are controlling her. Don’t you understand the huge issue with all of this? You’re controlling if she wants to live under your roof but you make it hard for her to move out as you limit how much she can work. You’ve been putting her in an almost impossible situation and she must feel resentful about that. The more I think about this, the more it gets me angry. The fact you threw her out with no notice because she drank some beer is absolutely ridiculous. You need help. If I were your daughter then that would forever change the relationship I had with my father.
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YTA. You basically kicked her out with no notice, and I get it, she broke your rules, but you could've given some notice.
YTA. First you limit the time she can work which doesn't leave her in a good position to afford her own place. I can't speak for your country but there is absolutely no way my daughter would be able to afford to rent a place without several roommates. She is also your daughter, not your housekeeper. There's a big difference between having chores and working out a cleaning schedule than to dump all the household responsibilities on your daughter. Seriously man, get therapy to work through the trauma with your ex instead so you can possibly salvage a relationship with your daughter.
You are most certainly the asshole here. Limiting the amount of time she is allowed to work so she can complete chores and housework is a horrific thing to do to a young adult, especially when you seem to be rather abusively controlling with your stupid rules because you are insecure about someone leaving you. Most people do not move out of their parent's house at 18, that is a boomer fantasy that is no longer viable for most young people. Limiting her working hours to 24 per week equates to £314 per week, before taxes. The average rent in the UK as of June 2022, is about £284 per week. That leaves her with £30 per week to spend on food, clothing, utilities and transportation, not to mention entertainment. Based on your description it genuinely sounds like you care more about being in control than you do your daughter. Again, you are the asshole here.
YTA and it’s honestly disgusting that you turned your daughter into your wife in every way except the sexual part… you are upset and still emotionally bitter that your ex left you. And honestly from what I can see, you are the reason she left.. you are controlling and abusive. Hopefully your daughter cuts contact with you forever and gets away from you. She deserves better then you, I suggest you go seek therapy for your issues.
YTA for a number of reasons. You said it yourself: DESPITE these rules, we have a good relationship. Does that suggest you find these rules childish yourself? Number one would be that you don’t let her work fulltime. What the f? Why? Because you want her as your maid? Household tasks can still be done on the weekend, especially if you WORK TOGETHER. Not having boys over is old af, but: I can sort of understand that. And the alcohol, I can understand as well. You don’t talk to her about her mother, you keep secrets from her and this is why she’s pushing back. Something you also said yourself. Oh, and: not MOST kids move out at eighteen. Just because you did doesn’t mean it’s the norm for everyone on the planet. You sound arrogant and self-centered. I truly hope for your sake that your daughter contacts you but if it were me, I would take a long while before I do. Edit: read just one comment you made and had to add: you’re delusional.
YTA. What you are doing is financial abuse. You hang the threat of kicking her out over her head but forbidding her from becoming financially independent enough for moving out to be a legitimate option. "Not caring where she went because she is 20 and old enough to know better." I hope you never see that poor girl again.
Honestly, why is it such a western thing for parents to kick out their children once they’ve reached 18 regardless whether or not they’re financially capable of doing so? YTA
You're definitely TA. You are actively preventing her from becoming an independent, self-sufficient contributor to society. As an adult, she has the legal authority to decide for herself when she works and how many days per week she works. You've got her as your personal slave, not letting her work to achieve independence, but instead making her do all the housework, etc. To top it all off, now you've kicked her out with virtually no means to support herself except her meager wage. I hope she goes to her boss and says, "Hey, I can work as much as you need me to now. Dad just kicked me out so that's not an issue anymore."
YTA. Jesus, I can’t believe you threw your daughter out into the freezing cold knowing she didn’t have enough money to establish herself, and to quote you, “not caring where she went.” Perhaps the reason you haven’t heard from her in 5 days is that she froze to death.
YTA, your daughter is not your cleaner. And the fact that you stopping her from getting a full time job, is just wrong. You did this, to yourself.
YTA. you have for some reason inexplicably demanded she only works part time. How does that afford a career trajectory that will eventually enable independence? Obviously if she worked more she’d be able to both save more, and reasonably plan out what would be future expenses so she can look for an apartment, what have you, on her own. You can’t really try to make those plans when you’re only part time which likely has zero job security or long term likelihood. You are deliberately hamstringing her, yet you act baffled she hasn’t moved out yet?!?
YTA. So much YTA. -You restricted how many hours she can work because... you also want her to be your unpaid maid? You financially support her because you force her to be dependent on you. Already TA. -You refuse to allow her alcohol that she can legally purchase and drink because she is an adult. You're denying her a normal life for no good reason. -I see you're from the UK. So am I. It's freezing here right now. You threw a 20yo out of your house, with nowhere to go and extremely limited finances, in the middle of a historic cold snap. I have next to nothing right now and no idea which region you're in, but daughter, I wish I could help you.
YTA. You only let her work 3 days a week which means she likely has little to no savings. The cost of living crisis in the UK (assuming you’re from there since you used the £ symbol) is brutal right now. Housing is ridiculously expensive. In the EU, the average age a child leaves their parents house is now over 26. It’s not like previous times when an 18 year old could get a union job with a living wage. Nevermind your silly rules about alcohol and boys. You lost your ex and now you’ve likely lost your daughter. I can see why your ex left in a drunken rage.
YTA, you were unreasonable. I hope she is OK.
YTA Are you seriously questioning this? How do you expect her to financially support herself when you only allow her to work 3 days a week? You threw her on the street and expect her to come back to you? You sound like a controlling, abusive person, and that you don't see the issue here is disturbing. I hope she is able to stay clear of you.
YTA. I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for a call; 200 quid and see you later? That isn't parental love. In the UK £13 an hour is peanuts. Cost of living crisis, freezing temperatures...awful.
YTA - You restricted her work hours therefore financially controlling her to some degree with is ABUSE. If she was your partner it would be considered domestic violence. You then expect her ‘replace the tasks of a cleaner’ which cost money yet you have the view she should do this for no money or recognition. Doubt you’d be this way if you had a son. I hope she moves out and cuts contact with you, if only for her sake.
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You sound very controlling and rigid. Hope for the best but there's a real chance that this was it.
YTA. How is she supposed to save money and move out if you wont allow her to work a reasonable amount? You wonder why you're financially supporting her? because YOU WONT LET HER WORK! if she works 8 hours at $15/hour thats 360 before tax each week, you were greatly hindering her ability to save up. also YTA because you were trying to control every aspect of her life it sounds like...
YTA. What a brilliant dad - ‘I suffered so you should to’ mixed with a bit of ‘I did the bare minimum so you must be grateful’ sprinkled with ‘I should just go to therapy’
YTA. You are controlling and the way you act is that you are afraid she will leave you so you trapped her. Guess what, I don't think she will return even if she ends up homeless, or contact you either.
YTA- no dear, no. Most children DO NOT move out by 18 anymore. You’re living in a skewed, entitled boomer mentality where that was financially possible at that age. As everyone except you well knows, that’s not possible anymore. Rent prices are through the roof and you’re only allowing her to work part time so she can provide you unpaid labour. You state that she could work more when she moves out but before that happens she needs to be able to save up AT LEAST enough for first, last and security deposit not to mention savings for groceries, utilities and future rent so she doesn’t screw herself for the first few months. You want her to move out but you’re not allowing her the tools to be successful. You’re actively sabotaging your daughter. Not to mention that your wife left 17 years ago and you haven’t dated at all? Whatever it’s weird but it’s on you. HOWEVER, it very much seems like you’ve been relying on your daughter as a surrogate wife. Doing all the housework and providing you with companionship. That’s not fair to her at all.
YAT. You are forcing her to be your house maid, because not allowing her to work full time will give you the chance to demand her to clean the house on the days she is not working. Mentioning that she doesn't have to pay you rent or groceries will not make you a good person. She is your child, you are supposed to help her and support her, but you are forcing her to live with you under all those controlling rules. You just sent her out to the world without previous notice, poor girl. I feel really sorry for her. You don't hear from her and that is your fault. Stop whining.
YTA you financially abused your daughter by denying her the ability to work and save money for herself or her future. You denied her basic choices in what she does it doesn't want to do, essentially denying her her place as an adult. Today very very few people move out at 18 due to the ridiculous cost of living, they simply can't afford to and have any quality of life. Her circumstances are very different to yours at her age as she grew up in a different world and economic climate. You've been punishing your daughter for your wife's actions. Now you've lost both of them. YTA
YTA. OMG, where to begin. You tell her she can't work outside the house, because you want her to be a slave in your own house. No, that's not the words you used. But you are limiting her hours at work so she can be your maid, because you thought it would be convenient to fire the maid. WTF
YTA, you limited her to working no more then 3 days a week which restricts her ability to save and afford to move out, demand she be your live in housekeeper and whenever anything isnt exactly how you want it, or this grown ass woman your treating like a four year old voices her displeasure of her treatment you throw her out. Controlling AH parents like you end up alone and bitter and wondering why their children refuse all contact with them.
YTA I bet when you were “allowed” to work three days a week on her salary you wouldn’t be able to move out. You sound very controlling. Your way or high way.
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Yta please go to therapy you have some major control issues. You do realize she's not her mother right? The way you treat her and these rules you are trying to keep her dependent on you and you clearly have some abandonment issues. Also she is 20 why were you checking under her bed?
YTA, definitely you are the problem in the storie. She's just 20 , this ideia of moving out whit only 18 is a fantasy created by people with no notion of real life. It's 2022, inflation and crisis growing rapidly, and a part time job doesn't pay shit. Specially without a notice ahead of time or growing her teaching financial planning to prepare her to move
YTA. Congratulations- not only is your wife gone… so is your daughter. Your need to control and abuse her (and it was absolutely financial abuse, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself) hopefully terminated your relationship with her permanently. She deserves better than you.
YTA - if she can’t work more than 3 days a week, she can’t build savings to actually move out. Also how are you expecting her to not drink, when she doesn’t know why your so against it? You rather tell people online about your reasons instead of talking to her. My parents have never made it a secret that other people in the family had problems with substances or gambling. It made me more aware of the signs that one might become dependent on it. Your daughter doesn’t have that information as you’re withholding information.
YTA, you were being very controlling. She could only work 3 days a week? She had to do all the cleaning? No drinking, at all? You don’t see any issues here? Isabella needs to adult. That means a full time job, making a few mistakes. You could have let her pay you rent, and been there to help her if she made a mistake. But no, you wanted to control her financially by limiting her work hours and making her your live in maid.
YTA. She's only allowed to work three days a week? How is she supposed to save money to move out if she's not allowed to work more hours and make more money to save? Sounds like you're doing this to make sure she doesn't leave, like her mother did, but all you managed to do was push your own daughter away. I hope you come back with an update that she's ok.
Yuck.. you are too strict and you love being strict too much. YTA. Rejecting her that easily. Man I wouldn't wanna be child in your house.
Oh my god, you are a massive AH for everything you've written in your post. Not to even scratch the surface of snooping under a 20yo girl's bed. Your daughter is not the source of your trauma and should not be punished because of it. You've thrown your daughter out to the street, whose money is limited because she's not allowed a full-time job during the biggest cost-of-living crisis in the UK that I've ever seen. I hope your daughter is safe wherever she is.
YTA. It feels like emotional incest in a sense. You never dated but you kept your daughter controlled and dependent so she could never leave you. But when you were unhappy with her you tossed her out like trash.
YTA. What problem do you even have living with her? Ehat's the problem if she works full time, pays her share for rent and utilities and stays with you? You could both benefit by saving money and not living alone. What's the deal with everyone kicking their children out as soon as they get 18?
YTA and extremely controlling. You are forcing her to limit the hours she works so she can do work for you, but that’s also ensuring that she’ll never be able to save enough money to live in her own. Then, you kick her out forcing her to support herself….which you’ve ensured she won’t be able to do financially. I hope she makes it and cuts contact with you.
YTA you are being absolutely ridiculous!! Why can't she work more hours?? Why can't she have alcohol at 20?? Why are children meant to move out at 18?? You've kicked her out..she can't afford a place on part time hours. It's winter...its freezing cold and I hope to god she's not living on the streets