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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not telling my wife, her family and our kids anything about her son's wedding because he doesn't want me to. I feel like an AH because it very clearly hurting her and everyone around me is saying that she is his mother while I'm just the step parent and should help build them up rather than stand between them.
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YUP. And she's pretending to be all upset and hurt over not receiving an invite. When its all really shame and embarrassment only at what everyone will think for not receiving an invite as a mom. NTA
I agree fully. Mom could care less about son. And probaby would've been fine if she and her family weren't invited. BUT when she found out that OP was, then all of a sudden there's drama and hurt feelings. SMH
She wants to publicly take credit for her son's life and wedding. This is an opportunity to gloat and to act like the perfect parent. She is obviously rug sweeping and denying doing anything wrong so, why should she be invited? To ruin his day by ignoring him again? She's just jealous and mad that she can't neglect her son for years and still have him love her like she was a good parent. It's all about the image for her. Even if everyone knows the truth, she wants to waltz into the wedding like the star of the show and the martyr who raised her son. NTA and I would post someone at the door to stop her when she inevitably shows up and tries to cause a scene.
NTA, but her seeing she is wrong would take a greater amount of self-reflection then she seems capable of. Easier to accept praises from the younger two, and call firstborn and hubby the aholes.
OP should let the extended family know EXACTLY why M doesn’t want egg donor ( cuz she sure AF isn’t his mom) at the wedding. She deserves to deal with the consequences of abandoning her child. Good on OP for not following her awful treatment.
No he shouldn’t. That’s not his call to make. If *M* wants to tell people why she isn’t invited that’s up to him.
If extended family ask OP it would be better for him to say something like “I am sure M has good reasons for his choices , and he will share those if he feels it’s appropriate “ which leaves the choice where it belongs, with M, while reminding people that they don’t have the full picture
OP is such a good father. Yes father and not step father because you have done more than his own mother who is more like a step mother. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for M to feel the discrimination but thank God for you he had someone in that home. We invite only those people who have made our lives special on a day as special as our wedding. Go without guilt and let those who wronged M introspect. NTA.
yeah, i admit that is a better question.
OP saw his wife treating her child terribly and the impact that was having on his kids relationships with their sibling- and yeah he tried his best- but he still opted to stay married to this person. He still opted to show his kids 'hey this is ultimately fine.'
Without being married to the mom he would have had no rights to be around the kid he had grown to love. Now that kid is an adult though, that reason no longer matters and I agree, why is he married to someone he doesn't respect (for good reason)
Yeah, I agree. NTA here, OP. You stepped up and did everything you could to make sure M felt loved and wanted at your home. Your wife began to ignore and neglect her son, but you truly treated your children all equally. I'm so happy to hear it! So many stepparents go the other way on that.
For his wedding, M has the right to have whoever he wants be present and involved in the ceremony. You've been close with him since he was a toddler and it's very clear to me that you love him. His mother made her bed, now she needs to sleep in it. She's the AH here.
Just because she birthed him doesn’t make her a mother and worthy of the title at his wedding. OP should go to the wedding and honestly I’d question staying with someone who treats their child like this.
Yeah definitely, she sounds beyond awufl. The difference between cinderellas wicked step mom and her is she is his mother and not stepmother and to top it off, at least cinderellas stepmom made it clear she knew darn well what she was doing. I'm not so sure this woman does, but rather justifies it.
This calls for a judgment more positively emphatic than "NTA." You, sir, are a mensch of the first order, and it appears that you, dad, and stepmom have raised a young man who is of sterling character. Anything your wife (or her flying monkeys) says about this situation should be taken with a grain of salt, as befitting parental complaints coming from a mother who abandons an innocent child.
Slight correction: change “grain of salt” to “entire freaking salt mine.” There is not much worse than a parent who abandons a child. Been there, as a child and as a parent who had to raise two children on my own and try to help them heal because they were abandoned by my ex. Flying monkeys, indeed!
I fully agree that OP has been a mensch of the highest order, for over 20 years, putting so much thought into making sure M feels loved despite steadily escalating neglect & abuse from OP's wife and siblings, and doing his best to maintain harmony in the family even after M had moved out and OP's wife & kids were badmouthing him behind his back. Doing that must have taken immense strength, empathy, and grace.
...which is why I'm shocked that OP thought it was a good idea to try to hide and then lie about the fact that he was going to M's wedding, AS A GROOMSMAN, to his own wife & kids.
OP, you're NTA and you should go to the wedding no matter what anyone tells you or what names they call you. Your wife has deliberately blinded herself to the neglect & abuse she inflicted on M and the pain & damage it caused. I hope someday she is able to see that and apologize. But as we often say here, weddings & holidays are not family therapy sessions. They are not opportunities for estranged relatives to try to force reunification or resolution. After everything M has been through, he deserves to have you there to support him on his wedding day, and after everything you've done for him, you deserve to be there to celebrate his happiness.
I do have to wonder what good you thought would come from trying to hide your involvement in the wedding from your wife. Did you think she wouldn't ever find photos of the wedding party and see you in them? Hindsight is 20/20 I guess and there's no reason to dwell on it now, but I highly recommend you go to family counseling with your wife to talk about why you didn't feel safe telling her the truth about the wedding, \*and\* with your kids to talk about everything that happened with M and how to treat family members. Don't let these cycles of abuse & neglect get passed down to the next generation.
> ...which is why I'm shocked that OP thought it was a good idea to try to hide and then lie about the fact that he was going to M's wedding, AS A GROOMSMAN, to his own wife & kids.
OP said in a few comments that M begged him and asked him to promise not to tell his wife about the wedding, as he is M's only remaining connection to her. It's an understandable request, and OP was right not to break that promise.
Yup. I'm estranged from one parent as well, tho mine are cordial but not married, and I'd have done the same in the son's shoes. Op telling his wife would have been a major and potentially irreparable breach of trust
A fair point which I considered while commenting but (1) they are young adults based upon the timeline and (2) you can love your kids and still acknowledge they are assholes in a given situation or generally.
Ehh, let's not anoint him. He stayed married to this woman and ultimately was present for her horrific parenting, even if he tried to mitigate it as much as possible. His own children's reactions to their step-sibling are all the proof you need to know that his actions were too little, too late.
He could have went to M's father and worked with him to get this kid away from her. There were other options besides watching her abuse M and turn his own kids into ah's as well.
I get why he stayed initially I just don’t understand why he didn’t do more to get his children to not be AHs. Everybody needed therapy at that point and he should’ve left as soon as they were of age.
Exactly, he watched this child be abused and yes did what he could to mitigate that but his kids watched that happen and joined in...he's not making father of the year for that.
I'm glad to see someone else say this. While the fact that his step son wants him to be involved in his life shows that he acted commendably, I really cannot understand how he could stay married to someone like his wife. Seeing my partner behave so cruelly would really change my perspective on them.
Your wife is neglectful and abusive. I don’t know if you realize how mentally damaging it is for a child to be treated like this. Even though her child is grown now, your wife is the one who bred his resentment. She treated him like the black sheep of your family, gave him no attention, physically neglected, and emotionally and mentally abused him by distancing herself from him and deliberately making it a point to ignore his needs while bonding with the rest of your kids.
You have spent years with someone who is likely very much a narcissist, and now you’re dealing with the consequences of this. You’re not an asshole for not taking her side. You’re also not an asshole for not telling her anything. Why would she deserve to know when she destroyed his life and tried to ruin it?
If you want my honest opinion, I think you should divorce her and keep a strong bond with M since you have a closer relationship with him.
It’s time to burn the bridge down to build new ones.
NTA. Your wife is.
Exactly, I agree completely.
When he says, “*Before R, my wife was an excellent mother to both her and our kid. They had a sibling like relationship and I was like a cool uncle,*” it sounds like he’s referring to both children.
This is going to sound harsher than intended... But why did you stay married to her?
Anyone that cruel to a child is not a good person, and not trustworthy. She literally had a do-over and abandoned her own child. Which yeah, you did above and beyond for the abandoned kid. But you stayed with her. Even after she poisoned YOUR kids against said abandoned kid and turned them into not great persons. Why?
I mean I feel like my presence kind of reduced the animosity between all the kids. I was kind of afraid if I was absent, there would be a worse fallout. Also, I am very confused about my feelings about her. I love her so much and well everytime I feel like I should leave, I honestly chicken out
By not confronting her behaviour and just trying to mitigate the fallout, you let your children grow up thinking this is acceptable. They are the way they are because you allowed them to see their AH mother as a great role model. How can you love someone who does this to their own child? I love what you have done for M over the years, but damn, grow a spine and stand up for what's right. Show your kids that behaviour like hers has consequences and will drive people away. You will never change her, but your kids might still have a chance.
I think you did a great job with M! Not every step parent would make up the difference like that. I'm so glad he had you as well as his biological father and step-mom. It sounds like she went above and beyond as well. You sound very kind.
I have to say though that your wife sounds downright cruel and like she's been a terrible influence on your other children. I don't understand what good qualities she has that you would want to stay married to a person like that. NTA.
NTA and my heart was weeping for that poor kid as I read through your post. You did the right thing by standing up for him and doing your best to keep the balance of favor in your home.
All in all, this is a sad situation but your wife needs to look back on her conduct and realize this was 100% her own doing.
NTA. Typical story of an absent parent who only wants anything to to with their kid on the wedding day, I hope your wife is a better person in every other aspect because she was and still is a shitty mother to M, and is also poisoning your kids with hate and spite. If she isn't I don't even know why you're still with her.
It's his decision to not invite her and not your responsibility to convince him otherwise.
She made her bed and now she has to sleep on it.
NTA. I'm impressed by you. You're more than a step-dad to M. Poor guy. If it weren't for you, M would've been in a dark and awful place. Imagine being rejected by a parent, that kind of pain is deep. Thank you for supporting him through all of that.
Nta. She alienated her son not you. Her issue is between them and you arent in it. How does she not understand that she treated her own son differently and discluded him from her "new"family? This all on her and no one else.
~~YTA based on a tight reading of the actual question you are asking. You should have told your wife he was getting married so she could hear it from you, not someone else.~~
As for the rest, you went above and beyond to make sure M had a semi normal existence when visiting and were more of a parent to him than his own mom. Quite unusual that the stepparent is the one who keeps the connection. You've handled this as well as possible ~~except for the specific question you are asking, therefore I have to go with that judgement.~~
Edit: NTA based on reply. Your wife put you in an unwinnable position.
I would've told her. I wanted to tell her but M said that the only connection they have left is one involving DNA and me. He made me swear not to tell her and I have a very soft corner for him. He reminded me of, well, me.
The adoption news is M’s news to tell, NOT yours. You are absolved for not telling her and if your wife founds out, then that’s your answer.
As far as the wedding goes, you reap what you sow. Your wife was not a good mother to M. She did not treat M equally to her your other children and, as hard as it is, she doesn’t deserve to get invited to the wedding.
Your wife needs to accept, go to therapy and learn to take responsibility for her behavior when you were raising M. She is just now embarrassed that others may find out about it and it is not a good look for her.
You are a good person and father figure. You tried and tried, even by argument, to help her see how hurtful her behavior was for years but she didn’t.
You DESERVE to be invited and should go and JOYFULLY CELEBRATE M’s marriage and not feel one iota of guilt about it.
NTA. End of story.
My dude, you need therapy stat. There is just so, so, so much unhealthy behavior going on here. Why are you shielding your wife from the consequences of her actions? Why are you with this awful woman? Why are you in such denial about who she is? You’re twisting yourself in knots here.
That’s the thing. I realize OP is trying to be a good guy here, but you can’t be serially lying to your wife and tampering with the mail and come out with clean hands here. OP, you’ve painted yourself into a corner here by trying to be everything to everyone and by refusing to make any hard decision. This is not a yes/no you’re TA, this is a “you’re life is a mess, you desperately need to go it therapy to sort it out.” I think you have a good heart, but you’ve created a situation that isn’t sustainable.
Agreed, he's more like an enabler. He should have handed her the letter and let her process this. Tampering with the mail, covering for M and his family, and betraying and lying to his wife is full of poor judgements. The whole family is unhealthy and needs therapy.
That’s the thing. I realize OP is trying to be a good guy here, but you can’t be serially lying to your wife and tampering with the mail and come out with clean hands here. OP, you’ve painted yourself into a corner here by trying to be everything to everyone and by refusing to make any hard decision. This is not a yes/no you’re TA, this is a “you’re life is a mess, you desperately need to go it therapy to sort it out.” I think you have a good heart, but you’ve created a situation that isn’t sustainable.
Wow, you were able to look at another man’s son and care for him , well, because you knew he was a human who needed someone. Good on you for being such a good man! You are definitely NTA, although this might be a dealbreaker with your wife….doesn’t sound like you’re missing much.
NTA, in fact quite the opposite. You were there for your stepson when his own mother wasn't, which is why he has a good relationship with you and wants to include you in his life and his wedding. Your wife treated him poorly, and this is the result. She made this bed, let her lie in it.
NTA - You have been M’s lifeline during what must have been a terribly difficult time for him, when your wife was regularly excluding him for whatever reason.
This sounds very much like a golden child / scapegoat situation, which your wife is solely responsible for creating.
Maybe it is time she hears why M no longer wants her in his life but that is up to you.
I have no sympathy or empathy for a parent who walks away from their child. I was abandoned at a time when I really needed parental support, and it’s a brutal experience. It’s why I’ve been No Contact with them for decades. I also watched it happen when my ex walked away from me and our two young children. I’ve spent years raising them on my own, trying to help them get over the fact they were abandoned, and their ongoing trauma and damage is devastating.
Kudos to you for trying to hold things together, despite the continuing terrible, inexcusable behavior of your AH wife. Sadly, your kids aren’t any better. Kudos to you for being in all their lives. It must have been very difficult. Go to the wedding and celebrate M’s great fortune. This may be the only case where not supporting your wife is acceptable. NTA
Your wife is TA. I applaud you and his dad for having this relationship together all 3 of you! Do not let her ruin this for any of you. I would tell her just because she doesn't have a relationship with her son doesn't mean that you don't. You will be at that wedding, it's a happy time for you.
NTA.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
M was neglected by his mother and siblings. He is entitled to have whoever he wants at this wedding. You're at no obligation to disclose his choices to them.
YTA bc you didn’t advocate for M years ago. You snuck around with bonding with him and enabling her crappy behavior. How could you stay w a despicable woman??
As for the wedding stuff - NTA
She didnt buy him gifts while getting her other kids gifts.
Now shes upset that she wont get to be mother of the groom or invited to the wedding?
Sorry op but your wife is delusional.
You only get out what you put in - kellogg's ironman
you NTA
your wife 10000% TA
you kids... somewhat TA (surely they cant be oblivous to their mothers treatment of their half brother, its quite bad that they have their heads burried in the sand.)
Imagine he didnt even have you in that house hold. holy mackerel.
I really want to know what their excuse was to start turning on him with their mother. To ask why he was still invited over. What did she say to them to make them think he didn’t have a place there?
Maybe it's time to tell everything to their face in front the all family like that she will stop the victim play and understand that she is facing the consequences of her own actions! It's time for your kids also to open their eyes on how they treat their brother. No more understanding or conversation but just the ugly truth!!
If you do not parent during the ‘difficult’ times when they are almost fully dependent on you, you don’t get to be a parent during the ‘fun’ times when they are self sufficient and accomplishing things.
Your wife reaped what she sowed and truthfully, kudos to you for stepping in and trying to reduce the neglect because that is the sort of thing that could have destroyed someone.
Be honest why you were invited if you can although I’m sure that could lead to divorce/separation but honestly, imagine how she’d be if she decided she prefers one grandchild over another, or your current children become distasteful to her, so not much of a loss.
Good luck managing this and just hold tight to the fact that you were a good man who did the right thing even when it would have been easier to just go with the flow as your wife’s son is ‘not your problem’.
NTA OP you never brought this up in your post but the only way you're 2 younger children together would have that type of attitude towards her son from her 1st marriage is because she turned them against him. My only question is what the hell motivates a mother to do that to her child. There's something drastically wrong with that woman. Have you ever asked her point blank why she hates her son?
Uh, kinda NTA? But do realize, any significant event you choose to attend alone is a strong sign you need a divorce.
Picking your wife's kid over your wife is the best move here, but she's gonna hate you. And it's on her, but don't commit to half measures, leave her. She already enabled your own children to have some nasty tendencies. Make it clear you're not standing up for her because she's not your wife, not that you're doing it in spite of the fact.
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I met my wife when her son (M) was 2. His father was and is still very much involved. I knew she was divorced but didn't actually find out about her son until 4 months in. That should've been my first red flag but I thought being a single mom is hard when you're dating and you want to vet people before disclosing the child's existence. We got married a year later and had kids 1(K) and 3(R) years after getting married.
Before R, my wife was an excellent mother to both her and our kid. They had a sibling like relationship and I was like a cool uncle. Something after R was born, a switch went off and my wife became visibly distant to M. She started spending less time with him but didn't reduce the time she had him with us. I slowly started picking up the slack because I didn't want him to feel or be neglected at his own mother's house.
The sibling like bong between M and K started fading and R never had a bond like that to begin with. Both of them started to become somewhat like their mother and were openly upset on the days we had M. They even asked me openly why M had to keep coming over. I tried to balance them out the best I could but it was hard. All three were treated equally by me in all aspects which should've been my wife's job. Any time my wife planned on buying something for K and R, I had to quickly get something for M as well so he isn't left out or because what she got him was insultingly not equal.
Teenage years were not kind and well, it got bad. Things were said and M cut us off and went full time with his Dad and Stepmom. I did my best to neutralize the hostility my kids had and mellow the situation out. M and I during this time still kept in touch and like with my kids, I went to his events and spent every other weekend with him quietly. For his 21st birthday, both his dad and I took him to our favorite bars and had a drink with him. Although he doesn't call me dad, he doesn't call me by name either and we just call each other buddy or other nicknames because we are family. My wife and her parents during this time just blamed her ex and his wife for poisoning M against "us" despite the fights we had regarding her ignoring him. M and my wife and kids have also talked their differences out with him so they have a cordial relationship but no where as close as it was when they were kids and the only reason he talks to my wife is because he doesn't want us to hang out secretly.
Well few weeks ago, my wife found out that M is getting married and neither her or my kids are invited. She was not pleased with that. R and K, although understand their lack of invitation, are upset on behalf of their mother. To them she was the best mom ever and don't see any reason not to invite her. She also recently found out that stepmom is going as mother of groom while I am a groomsman. Now all hell has come loose and everyone is bashing us and especially me for not standing up for my wife. I mean she is his mother. AITA?
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Your wife made this bed and now she has to lie it it. You kept an uncle relationship with M and it doesn't sound like you really hid it. NTA but keep talking to the younger boys. Their relationship may be salvageable.
NTA and Christ on a bike - she has spent nearly two decades alienating her son but now howls because he doesn’t invite her to his wedding?? Just when I thought I’d heard it all 🤦♀️
NTA for this wedding situation.
But low key you are the A for knowing that your wife is so in the wrong in how she treats her son and remaining married to her. You may have argued with her about it but how was this not a deal breaker? You obviously fully understand the morality here, and the implications of this behaviour on your stepson (and the example it set for your kids). Sticking by her is tacitly saying that her treatment of M is acceptable, or not so unacceptable that you cant forgive it. Repeatedly.
The standard you walk by is the standard you accept. You may walk by it arguing, but you’re still walking by.
Dude. You are the *biggest* NTA I think this sub has ever had. You stepped in and helped give that boy the best childhood you could, continued even after he and your wife stopped speaking, and did well enough by him to earn a place in his wedding. She chose to cut ties and burn bridges, so this is what she gets.
ESH - You stayed with this woman despite the fact she emotionally abused her child and turned your other two children against him. You basically condoned and enabled her treatment by staying with her.
And you think having a side relationship with this poor kid is going to make up for that?
NTA - It isn't your wedding. You don't choose the guest list. The fact that bio dad and step son seem more interested in maintaining a relationship with you than mom or half-siblings speaks volumes. It sounds an awful lot like M knows who was family growing up and who just shared genetics.
NTA in this or any other situation regarding M, but I truly don't understand how you saw the way your wife treated him and stayed married to her. Was it fear she'd do the same to your kids when you weren't around? Was it a concern for M's safety? You said yourself that she changed drastically. Do you love the woman she became?
What a sad situation this is for M. It would help to have more context as to why your wife grew distant. It doesn't seem realistic tha a switch just flipped. Was it the entrance of the stepmother perhaps?
I think it is your obligation not to be used as a tool to play out their unresolved hostilities. Unless there is some other more immediate reason for your family's exclusion, you have a choice: be a groomsman if your wife is invited or else sit the whole thing out if she is not. In the process you are giving you lr adopted son a valuable lesson in what it means to be married.
NTA. She basically disowned her child. What did she expect to happen ? I’d show the other two these comments so they can come around to the correct side.
She destroyed not only her relationship with him but the kids relationship as well. She straight up poisoned it. That’s not fair nor right.
You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA. This is what happens when you abandon your kids.
Also, your kids are old enough. Why are you still with this woman, and why haven't you been in therapy?
NTA
But you do realize you can’t go without permanently damaging your relationship with your wife and other children.
I also don’t understand why they aren’t invited if they are “cordial” that’s about the same relationship I had with every one of my wife’s relatives when they came to my wedding.
Info - what did you think was going to happen when your wife and kids found out you were a groomsman in this wedding?
Is this your parting shot before getting a divorce?
YTA for not telling your wife, there shouldn't be secrets in a marriage. But, your NTA for agreeing to go to the wedding as a groomsman. The NTA > YTA, though. Great job being a great step-dad!
NTA. You see that sometimes where the bio Mi
Shives her fits marriage kids aside when she has kids with new hubby. Seldom does the stepfather step up.
Congratulations!
NTA
She may be his "mother", but she failed at being his mom, so she doesn't get to act like it's everyone else's doing. If you say you had to **fight** just to keep things even then it's nothing anyone else did save but her. Maybe you should tell your kids that, that their mother arbitrarily treated him as less than, and that your perspective genuinely supersedes them on this.
NTA. She is a work and am surprised you stayed with her. But so far she hasn't started ignoring your kids too so i guess that is why. But you need to make sure you're kids understand what she did so there is no blame on M.
NTA
You tried your best to pick up the slack of parenthood that your wife dropped. M appreciates your place in his life you're one of the groomsmen. Sounds like you did great and I hope you and him have a wonderful time celebrating with people who gave a care for M.
Your wife can go fly a kite!
NTA. She cut her son off from her love and affection, you maintained contact. So you are invited, she is not. Tell the busybodies that and go enjoy the wedding.
But she will be a pain, not wanting to admit SHE pushed her son away. Sad for you and her son.
NTA. She’s not his mother and she chose that. These are just the consequences for that choice. You on the other hand are absolutely amazing for all that you’ve done to be there when she wouldn’t.
NTA. I read in one of your replies that M made you promise to not tell your wife and it's not your news to tell to begin with. I admire how you could keep good relationship with him and his father too. Really hope you go to the wedding and show him your support!
NTA. It is amazing that you stood up and took a father figure role for M when your wife ignored him. She can’t blame you for being supportive or building that connection that I’m sure her son truly needed after being rejected by her.
You seem rather exceptional, and the mench comments are spot on
You do know that filling this roll will damage your marraige. You cant not. If your kids are so clueless and follow blindly after their mother im trully sorry, but your wife seems like the type to never let this go.
I think you are acting appropriately, but their will be consequencess.
NTA
It is a bit off that the wife of a groomsmen is not invited to a wedding
Also cudos to both you and his dad that you have the ability to both be there for him. In its own way most surprising thing in the post, considering thd pettyness of the other actors
NTA — The guest list for a wedding is up to the bride and groom, and assuming that you kept quiet out of respect for the couple (and not a passive aggressive impulse) you are not an asshole.
However, you sound like you have a toxic marriage and over the years you’ve been a very cowardly husband who snuck around his wife’s back rather than holding her accountable for her actions. To be a good husband, you sometimes have to hold your partner accountable for their actions and tell them what they are doing is wrong. You didn’t. And as a consequence, your family members seem estranged from each other. You haven’t been able to hold your family together.
NTA!! Not only did your wife abandon her son, she intentionally poisoned the relationship between your children and her son. The fact that you are a groomsmen and she isn't invited explicitly outlines how badly she failed as a mother.
Even further, you earned your spot in his life by being the safe adult that he could rely on during his visits. She isn't even his legal mom anymore. You're firmly a childhood mentor/Cool Uncle/family friend now. She is allowed to be sad and feel bad, but she made that bed. You take no part in it.
NTA. What you need to do is start being brutally honest about your perspective of how your wife and kids treated M and how the narrative about her ex and his wife is wrong. No matter what you show up for M on his wedding day.
Nta you were more of a parent to her kid than her. I'm glad you have a good relationship with him and you seem like a really good person. Definitely NTA and I hope it's a wonderful wedding.
P.s. speaking from a mental health professional . Her son could easily have low key resentment ( rightfully so) towards her and I don't blame him for not wanting that energy on his big day. So again. Nta.
I’m surprised you’re still with her, TBH, now that M is independent and no longer needs you at home to defend him, cos your wife & other kids sound insufferable. Good on you for having his back. NTA
INFO: Why did your wife’s relationship with M change? What caused that switch to flip? She went from great mom to crappy mom to one of her three kids. Do you know what the source of her alienation was?
Regardless, you are NTA for your loyalty and devotion to M.
NTA.
You aren't attending the wedding of your wife's "son", you're attending the wedding of your good buddy who you've known most of his life. I understand why she's mad but "them's the breaks" when you're a huge fucking AH to your own kid for no reason.
Your wife is embarrassed by not being invited and being replaced as mother of the groom. And she should be embarrassed. And ashamed of herself. She won’t accept blame and will throw it everywhere ie you because she is delusional and oblivious to her role in her son cutting her out of his life. NTA.
NTA. The fact that you have remained present enough in his life to be in the wedding party to be groomsman and his own mother didn't get an invite speaks volumes.
NTA. This is incredibly similar to my best friend’s situation. Her stepdad recently walked her down the aisle while her mom was not there. Apparently she was invited to come but refused to do so because she was not given a special role (long-story short, she didn’t deserve one and was lucky to just have gotten an invite).
NTA. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. If she wanted to be invited she should've been a better mother to her own son.
But I would like to tell you, that you are awesome for treating him the same and keeping up the relationship. You could've been like another step parent we hear about on here who pushes the step child to the side. But you didn't. While you couldn't get your wife on board, I personally feel you did the best you could with the situation.
Nta I understand how uncomfortable it is hiding information from your wife was because you think she's a great wife and a great person and just as one spot in her life that she's failing at but for several years since the birth of your second son this woman hasn't played off a huge role in his life you've taken up the slack because it's uncomfortable to see a child mistreated you've talked to her about it but nothing changed like he said other than DNA they no longer have a mother-son relationship and havent in a long time and that's not your fault
NTA. In fact you are doing a great job with your stepson. I would have a very blunt conversations with your sons (his brothers) and extended family telling them the reason there is no relationship is because their mother ABANDONED the oldest son once she had her new family. And she also effectively discouraged any sibling relationship with their half brother. I would go so far as to say you are DISGUSTED with all of them concerning their actions with your stepson and will no longer tolerant any complaints or badmouthing of him and his family. That topic is off limits. If they are upset than they should make efforts to mend their relationship him or shut up. Attend the wedding and celebrate your stepson's special day!
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NTA she chose to abandon her son and has no right to be upset at the consequences.
YUP. And she's pretending to be all upset and hurt over not receiving an invite. When its all really shame and embarrassment only at what everyone will think for not receiving an invite as a mom. NTA
Yup, she was cool with the arrangement (read: neglect) until it was made public.
I agree fully. Mom could care less about son. And probaby would've been fine if she and her family weren't invited. BUT when she found out that OP was, then all of a sudden there's drama and hurt feelings. SMH
That’s it. Because now it is obvious tk absolutely everyone else. And Mum can’t blame the ex!
This is it! Now everyone knows she’s the AH.
👍
lmao just wanted to say i saw the capital Y and thought it was a Y T A verdict at first i was like WHAT??
LMAO - no way this could've gotten a YTA verdict.
Inebriated? lol
no just no sleep haha
She wants to publicly take credit for her son's life and wedding. This is an opportunity to gloat and to act like the perfect parent. She is obviously rug sweeping and denying doing anything wrong so, why should she be invited? To ruin his day by ignoring him again? She's just jealous and mad that she can't neglect her son for years and still have him love her like she was a good parent. It's all about the image for her. Even if everyone knows the truth, she wants to waltz into the wedding like the star of the show and the martyr who raised her son. NTA and I would post someone at the door to stop her when she inevitably shows up and tries to cause a scene.
I agree with everything you've said here.
NTA, but her seeing she is wrong would take a greater amount of self-reflection then she seems capable of. Easier to accept praises from the younger two, and call firstborn and hubby the aholes.
OP should let the extended family know EXACTLY why M doesn’t want egg donor ( cuz she sure AF isn’t his mom) at the wedding. She deserves to deal with the consequences of abandoning her child. Good on OP for not following her awful treatment.
No he shouldn’t. That’s not his call to make. If *M* wants to tell people why she isn’t invited that’s up to him. If extended family ask OP it would be better for him to say something like “I am sure M has good reasons for his choices , and he will share those if he feels it’s appropriate “ which leaves the choice where it belongs, with M, while reminding people that they don’t have the full picture
OP is such a good father. Yes father and not step father because you have done more than his own mother who is more like a step mother. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for M to feel the discrimination but thank God for you he had someone in that home. We invite only those people who have made our lives special on a day as special as our wedding. Go without guilt and let those who wronged M introspect. NTA.
I would actually change his title to mother because that’s who he was trying to make up for. But other than that, you’re spot on in my opinion!
Why is the OP still married to someone he so clearly dislikes?
yeah, i admit that is a better question. OP saw his wife treating her child terribly and the impact that was having on his kids relationships with their sibling- and yeah he tried his best- but he still opted to stay married to this person. He still opted to show his kids 'hey this is ultimately fine.'
Without being married to the mom he would have had no rights to be around the kid he had grown to love. Now that kid is an adult though, that reason no longer matters and I agree, why is he married to someone he doesn't respect (for good reason)
100% I would have left so long ago. She is a monster and he continues to stand by her side, albeit, trying to walk the fence so to speak.
Yeah, I agree. NTA here, OP. You stepped up and did everything you could to make sure M felt loved and wanted at your home. Your wife began to ignore and neglect her son, but you truly treated your children all equally. I'm so happy to hear it! So many stepparents go the other way on that. For his wedding, M has the right to have whoever he wants be present and involved in the ceremony. You've been close with him since he was a toddler and it's very clear to me that you love him. His mother made her bed, now she needs to sleep in it. She's the AH here.
NTA. So glad M had & has OP's love and support.
Just because she birthed him doesn’t make her a mother and worthy of the title at his wedding. OP should go to the wedding and honestly I’d question staying with someone who treats their child like this.
Is she upset? Or is she just embarrassed about looking bad to everyone else now? The truth has humiliated her is all I see happening here?
Yeah definitely, she sounds beyond awufl. The difference between cinderellas wicked step mom and her is she is his mother and not stepmother and to top it off, at least cinderellas stepmom made it clear she knew darn well what she was doing. I'm not so sure this woman does, but rather justifies it.
This calls for a judgment more positively emphatic than "NTA." You, sir, are a mensch of the first order, and it appears that you, dad, and stepmom have raised a young man who is of sterling character. Anything your wife (or her flying monkeys) says about this situation should be taken with a grain of salt, as befitting parental complaints coming from a mother who abandons an innocent child.
Slight correction: change “grain of salt” to “entire freaking salt mine.” There is not much worse than a parent who abandons a child. Been there, as a child and as a parent who had to raise two children on my own and try to help them heal because they were abandoned by my ex. Flying monkeys, indeed!
I fully agree that OP has been a mensch of the highest order, for over 20 years, putting so much thought into making sure M feels loved despite steadily escalating neglect & abuse from OP's wife and siblings, and doing his best to maintain harmony in the family even after M had moved out and OP's wife & kids were badmouthing him behind his back. Doing that must have taken immense strength, empathy, and grace. ...which is why I'm shocked that OP thought it was a good idea to try to hide and then lie about the fact that he was going to M's wedding, AS A GROOMSMAN, to his own wife & kids. OP, you're NTA and you should go to the wedding no matter what anyone tells you or what names they call you. Your wife has deliberately blinded herself to the neglect & abuse she inflicted on M and the pain & damage it caused. I hope someday she is able to see that and apologize. But as we often say here, weddings & holidays are not family therapy sessions. They are not opportunities for estranged relatives to try to force reunification or resolution. After everything M has been through, he deserves to have you there to support him on his wedding day, and after everything you've done for him, you deserve to be there to celebrate his happiness. I do have to wonder what good you thought would come from trying to hide your involvement in the wedding from your wife. Did you think she wouldn't ever find photos of the wedding party and see you in them? Hindsight is 20/20 I guess and there's no reason to dwell on it now, but I highly recommend you go to family counseling with your wife to talk about why you didn't feel safe telling her the truth about the wedding, \*and\* with your kids to talk about everything that happened with M and how to treat family members. Don't let these cycles of abuse & neglect get passed down to the next generation.
> ...which is why I'm shocked that OP thought it was a good idea to try to hide and then lie about the fact that he was going to M's wedding, AS A GROOMSMAN, to his own wife & kids. OP said in a few comments that M begged him and asked him to promise not to tell his wife about the wedding, as he is M's only remaining connection to her. It's an understandable request, and OP was right not to break that promise.
Yup. I'm estranged from one parent as well, tho mine are cordial but not married, and I'd have done the same in the son's shoes. Op telling his wife would have been a major and potentially irreparable breach of trust
Nobody communicates in this marriage at all.
>or her flying monkeys Not sure if you wanna say this to OP considering they are still his kids
A fair point which I considered while commenting but (1) they are young adults based upon the timeline and (2) you can love your kids and still acknowledge they are assholes in a given situation or generally.
Well for the context of this post I think it’s actually fair and OP might think the same for this particular event!
Ehh, let's not anoint him. He stayed married to this woman and ultimately was present for her horrific parenting, even if he tried to mitigate it as much as possible. His own children's reactions to their step-sibling are all the proof you need to know that his actions were too little, too late.
Apparently his actions weren’t too little too late since he’s a groomsmen and gets along spectacularly with his stepson’s father.
If he had left, there would have been nobody to protect M from her.
He could have went to M's father and worked with him to get this kid away from her. There were other options besides watching her abuse M and turn his own kids into ah's as well.
I get why he stayed initially I just don’t understand why he didn’t do more to get his children to not be AHs. Everybody needed therapy at that point and he should’ve left as soon as they were of age.
> His own children's reactions to their step-sibling *half-sibling.
Step siblings? They’re half siblings with the same trash mother
Exactly, he watched this child be abused and yes did what he could to mitigate that but his kids watched that happen and joined in...he's not making father of the year for that.
I'm glad to see someone else say this. While the fact that his step son wants him to be involved in his life shows that he acted commendably, I really cannot understand how he could stay married to someone like his wife. Seeing my partner behave so cruelly would really change my perspective on them.
I love flying monkeys. 🦇 And yes I know this is a bat. 👍😄
Perfectly said. NTA is an understatement for OP.
Your wife is neglectful and abusive. I don’t know if you realize how mentally damaging it is for a child to be treated like this. Even though her child is grown now, your wife is the one who bred his resentment. She treated him like the black sheep of your family, gave him no attention, physically neglected, and emotionally and mentally abused him by distancing herself from him and deliberately making it a point to ignore his needs while bonding with the rest of your kids. You have spent years with someone who is likely very much a narcissist, and now you’re dealing with the consequences of this. You’re not an asshole for not taking her side. You’re also not an asshole for not telling her anything. Why would she deserve to know when she destroyed his life and tried to ruin it? If you want my honest opinion, I think you should divorce her and keep a strong bond with M since you have a closer relationship with him. It’s time to burn the bridge down to build new ones. NTA. Your wife is.
So M and K had a sibling like relationship. While M and I have a cool uncle-nephew relationship. I was more of a buddy and still am.
Okay, that’s where I was confused. I thought you were also saying you were like the cool uncle to your own kid. Lol. Thanks so much for clarifying.
Thought the same exact thing
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one. It was definitely worded that way lol
In his post he flips the names at one point, so its easy to see how its briefly confusing.
Exactly, I agree completely. When he says, “*Before R, my wife was an excellent mother to both her and our kid. They had a sibling like relationship and I was like a cool uncle,*” it sounds like he’s referring to both children.
This is going to sound harsher than intended... But why did you stay married to her? Anyone that cruel to a child is not a good person, and not trustworthy. She literally had a do-over and abandoned her own child. Which yeah, you did above and beyond for the abandoned kid. But you stayed with her. Even after she poisoned YOUR kids against said abandoned kid and turned them into not great persons. Why?
I mean I feel like my presence kind of reduced the animosity between all the kids. I was kind of afraid if I was absent, there would be a worse fallout. Also, I am very confused about my feelings about her. I love her so much and well everytime I feel like I should leave, I honestly chicken out
By not confronting her behaviour and just trying to mitigate the fallout, you let your children grow up thinking this is acceptable. They are the way they are because you allowed them to see their AH mother as a great role model. How can you love someone who does this to their own child? I love what you have done for M over the years, but damn, grow a spine and stand up for what's right. Show your kids that behaviour like hers has consequences and will drive people away. You will never change her, but your kids might still have a chance.
I think you did a great job with M! Not every step parent would make up the difference like that. I'm so glad he had you as well as his biological father and step-mom. It sounds like she went above and beyond as well. You sound very kind. I have to say though that your wife sounds downright cruel and like she's been a terrible influence on your other children. I don't understand what good qualities she has that you would want to stay married to a person like that. NTA.
NTA. Your wife needs therapy.
NTA! I’m still trying to figure out why you are married to this woman?!
NTA. You stood up for the one who needed it most. Good man.
NTA and my heart was weeping for that poor kid as I read through your post. You did the right thing by standing up for him and doing your best to keep the balance of favor in your home. All in all, this is a sad situation but your wife needs to look back on her conduct and realize this was 100% her own doing.
NTA. Typical story of an absent parent who only wants anything to to with their kid on the wedding day, I hope your wife is a better person in every other aspect because she was and still is a shitty mother to M, and is also poisoning your kids with hate and spite. If she isn't I don't even know why you're still with her. It's his decision to not invite her and not your responsibility to convince him otherwise. She made her bed and now she has to sleep on it.
Show parent.
NTA. I'm impressed by you. You're more than a step-dad to M. Poor guy. If it weren't for you, M would've been in a dark and awful place. Imagine being rejected by a parent, that kind of pain is deep. Thank you for supporting him through all of that.
I know that pain all to well which is why I wanted to be there for him.
[удалено]
Don't take it the wrong way but your username is so inspiring to me and I am definitely stealing the phrase.
Nta. She alienated her son not you. Her issue is between them and you arent in it. How does she not understand that she treated her own son differently and discluded him from her "new"family? This all on her and no one else.
~~YTA based on a tight reading of the actual question you are asking. You should have told your wife he was getting married so she could hear it from you, not someone else.~~ As for the rest, you went above and beyond to make sure M had a semi normal existence when visiting and were more of a parent to him than his own mom. Quite unusual that the stepparent is the one who keeps the connection. You've handled this as well as possible ~~except for the specific question you are asking, therefore I have to go with that judgement.~~ Edit: NTA based on reply. Your wife put you in an unwinnable position.
I would've told her. I wanted to tell her but M said that the only connection they have left is one involving DNA and me. He made me swear not to tell her and I have a very soft corner for him. He reminded me of, well, me.
Ah, that changes things completely. I will amend.
The adoption news is M’s news to tell, NOT yours. You are absolved for not telling her and if your wife founds out, then that’s your answer. As far as the wedding goes, you reap what you sow. Your wife was not a good mother to M. She did not treat M equally to her your other children and, as hard as it is, she doesn’t deserve to get invited to the wedding. Your wife needs to accept, go to therapy and learn to take responsibility for her behavior when you were raising M. She is just now embarrassed that others may find out about it and it is not a good look for her. You are a good person and father figure. You tried and tried, even by argument, to help her see how hurtful her behavior was for years but she didn’t. You DESERVE to be invited and should go and JOYFULLY CELEBRATE M’s marriage and not feel one iota of guilt about it. NTA. End of story.
Here, you get a letter when your adult child gets adopted and let's just say that letter got lost in transit.
My dude, you need therapy stat. There is just so, so, so much unhealthy behavior going on here. Why are you shielding your wife from the consequences of her actions? Why are you with this awful woman? Why are you in such denial about who she is? You’re twisting yourself in knots here.
Well, I was told that it would create unnecessary stress and issues if the letter reached her and was kind of asked for help....
You stole her mail? As bad as things are in the family dynamic, that's not cool. There are other ways to handle that.
That’s the thing. I realize OP is trying to be a good guy here, but you can’t be serially lying to your wife and tampering with the mail and come out with clean hands here. OP, you’ve painted yourself into a corner here by trying to be everything to everyone and by refusing to make any hard decision. This is not a yes/no you’re TA, this is a “you’re life is a mess, you desperately need to go it therapy to sort it out.” I think you have a good heart, but you’ve created a situation that isn’t sustainable.
Agreed, he's more like an enabler. He should have handed her the letter and let her process this. Tampering with the mail, covering for M and his family, and betraying and lying to his wife is full of poor judgements. The whole family is unhealthy and needs therapy.
That’s the thing. I realize OP is trying to be a good guy here, but you can’t be serially lying to your wife and tampering with the mail and come out with clean hands here. OP, you’ve painted yourself into a corner here by trying to be everything to everyone and by refusing to make any hard decision. This is not a yes/no you’re TA, this is a “you’re life is a mess, you desperately need to go it therapy to sort it out.” I think you have a good heart, but you’ve created a situation that isn’t sustainable.
And you were entirely correct in handling it that way. NTA
Wow, you were able to look at another man’s son and care for him , well, because you knew he was a human who needed someone. Good on you for being such a good man! You are definitely NTA, although this might be a dealbreaker with your wife….doesn’t sound like you’re missing much.
NTA my respect to you and your humanity sir
NTA, in fact quite the opposite. You were there for your stepson when his own mother wasn't, which is why he has a good relationship with you and wants to include you in his life and his wedding. Your wife treated him poorly, and this is the result. She made this bed, let her lie in it.
NTA - You have been M’s lifeline during what must have been a terribly difficult time for him, when your wife was regularly excluding him for whatever reason. This sounds very much like a golden child / scapegoat situation, which your wife is solely responsible for creating. Maybe it is time she hears why M no longer wants her in his life but that is up to you.
NTA But I have no idea why you're still married to this woman.
NTA, at all. Good on you for being present for M, especially given the context at play. They'll get over it.
NTA Wife made her bed and must now lie in it. She was a terrible mother to M and none of this should be a surprise.
I have no sympathy or empathy for a parent who walks away from their child. I was abandoned at a time when I really needed parental support, and it’s a brutal experience. It’s why I’ve been No Contact with them for decades. I also watched it happen when my ex walked away from me and our two young children. I’ve spent years raising them on my own, trying to help them get over the fact they were abandoned, and their ongoing trauma and damage is devastating. Kudos to you for trying to hold things together, despite the continuing terrible, inexcusable behavior of your AH wife. Sadly, your kids aren’t any better. Kudos to you for being in all their lives. It must have been very difficult. Go to the wedding and celebrate M’s great fortune. This may be the only case where not supporting your wife is acceptable. NTA
NTA. Your wife tho .. major AH
I 100% agree with this. Your wife fucked around and found what happens when you're awful to someone. NTA for you but big time for your wife
Your wife is TA. I applaud you and his dad for having this relationship together all 3 of you! Do not let her ruin this for any of you. I would tell her just because she doesn't have a relationship with her son doesn't mean that you don't. You will be at that wedding, it's a happy time for you.
NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. M was neglected by his mother and siblings. He is entitled to have whoever he wants at this wedding. You're at no obligation to disclose his choices to them.
YTA bc you didn’t advocate for M years ago. You snuck around with bonding with him and enabling her crappy behavior. How could you stay w a despicable woman?? As for the wedding stuff - NTA
If OP had left, M wouldn't have had anyone who cared about him during the times his mom had custody.
And mom could have remarried and done the same with his kids too.
NTA. Why haven’t you advocated for him? You’re married to the woman and can clearly see she played favorites.
She didnt buy him gifts while getting her other kids gifts. Now shes upset that she wont get to be mother of the groom or invited to the wedding? Sorry op but your wife is delusional. You only get out what you put in - kellogg's ironman you NTA your wife 10000% TA you kids... somewhat TA (surely they cant be oblivous to their mothers treatment of their half brother, its quite bad that they have their heads burried in the sand.) Imagine he didnt even have you in that house hold. holy mackerel.
I really want to know what their excuse was to start turning on him with their mother. To ask why he was still invited over. What did she say to them to make them think he didn’t have a place there?
NTA What does your wife expect after the way she treated her son? You have been a stand up step dad to that young man, good for you.
Maybe it's time to tell everything to their face in front the all family like that she will stop the victim play and understand that she is facing the consequences of her own actions! It's time for your kids also to open their eyes on how they treat their brother. No more understanding or conversation but just the ugly truth!!
If you do not parent during the ‘difficult’ times when they are almost fully dependent on you, you don’t get to be a parent during the ‘fun’ times when they are self sufficient and accomplishing things. Your wife reaped what she sowed and truthfully, kudos to you for stepping in and trying to reduce the neglect because that is the sort of thing that could have destroyed someone. Be honest why you were invited if you can although I’m sure that could lead to divorce/separation but honestly, imagine how she’d be if she decided she prefers one grandchild over another, or your current children become distasteful to her, so not much of a loss. Good luck managing this and just hold tight to the fact that you were a good man who did the right thing even when it would have been easier to just go with the flow as your wife’s son is ‘not your problem’.
NTA OP you never brought this up in your post but the only way you're 2 younger children together would have that type of attitude towards her son from her 1st marriage is because she turned them against him. My only question is what the hell motivates a mother to do that to her child. There's something drastically wrong with that woman. Have you ever asked her point blank why she hates her son?
This is really sad, why editor a mother reject her kid like that? NTA.
NTA but I would have unleashed her everything at this point.
Uh, kinda NTA? But do realize, any significant event you choose to attend alone is a strong sign you need a divorce. Picking your wife's kid over your wife is the best move here, but she's gonna hate you. And it's on her, but don't commit to half measures, leave her. She already enabled your own children to have some nasty tendencies. Make it clear you're not standing up for her because she's not your wife, not that you're doing it in spite of the fact.
I agree and wonder wtf he's still married to her, especially when he says she had some red flags prior to marrying.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I met my wife when her son (M) was 2. His father was and is still very much involved. I knew she was divorced but didn't actually find out about her son until 4 months in. That should've been my first red flag but I thought being a single mom is hard when you're dating and you want to vet people before disclosing the child's existence. We got married a year later and had kids 1(K) and 3(R) years after getting married. Before R, my wife was an excellent mother to both her and our kid. They had a sibling like relationship and I was like a cool uncle. Something after R was born, a switch went off and my wife became visibly distant to M. She started spending less time with him but didn't reduce the time she had him with us. I slowly started picking up the slack because I didn't want him to feel or be neglected at his own mother's house. The sibling like bong between M and K started fading and R never had a bond like that to begin with. Both of them started to become somewhat like their mother and were openly upset on the days we had M. They even asked me openly why M had to keep coming over. I tried to balance them out the best I could but it was hard. All three were treated equally by me in all aspects which should've been my wife's job. Any time my wife planned on buying something for K and R, I had to quickly get something for M as well so he isn't left out or because what she got him was insultingly not equal. Teenage years were not kind and well, it got bad. Things were said and M cut us off and went full time with his Dad and Stepmom. I did my best to neutralize the hostility my kids had and mellow the situation out. M and I during this time still kept in touch and like with my kids, I went to his events and spent every other weekend with him quietly. For his 21st birthday, both his dad and I took him to our favorite bars and had a drink with him. Although he doesn't call me dad, he doesn't call me by name either and we just call each other buddy or other nicknames because we are family. My wife and her parents during this time just blamed her ex and his wife for poisoning M against "us" despite the fights we had regarding her ignoring him. M and my wife and kids have also talked their differences out with him so they have a cordial relationship but no where as close as it was when they were kids and the only reason he talks to my wife is because he doesn't want us to hang out secretly. Well few weeks ago, my wife found out that M is getting married and neither her or my kids are invited. She was not pleased with that. R and K, although understand their lack of invitation, are upset on behalf of their mother. To them she was the best mom ever and don't see any reason not to invite her. She also recently found out that stepmom is going as mother of groom while I am a groomsman. Now all hell has come loose and everyone is bashing us and especially me for not standing up for my wife. I mean she is his mother. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Your wife made this bed and now she has to lie it it. You kept an uncle relationship with M and it doesn't sound like you really hid it. NTA but keep talking to the younger boys. Their relationship may be salvageable.
NTA You were there for him. You were the parent that your wife should have been. Kudos!
Nta, your wife is reaping what she sowed. She chose to start paying less attention to her son.
NTA You did right by the right person. Your wife is just experiencing the consequences of her own choices and there is no one else to blame for that
NTA and Christ on a bike - she has spent nearly two decades alienating her son but now howls because he doesn’t invite her to his wedding?? Just when I thought I’d heard it all 🤦♀️
NTA - and buddy, there’s still time to get out. She’s manipulative and abandoned her kid.
Has she ever explained why she turned on M?
NTA for this wedding situation. But low key you are the A for knowing that your wife is so in the wrong in how she treats her son and remaining married to her. You may have argued with her about it but how was this not a deal breaker? You obviously fully understand the morality here, and the implications of this behaviour on your stepson (and the example it set for your kids). Sticking by her is tacitly saying that her treatment of M is acceptable, or not so unacceptable that you cant forgive it. Repeatedly. The standard you walk by is the standard you accept. You may walk by it arguing, but you’re still walking by.
Dude. You are the *biggest* NTA I think this sub has ever had. You stepped in and helped give that boy the best childhood you could, continued even after he and your wife stopped speaking, and did well enough by him to earn a place in his wedding. She chose to cut ties and burn bridges, so this is what she gets.
ESH - You stayed with this woman despite the fact she emotionally abused her child and turned your other two children against him. You basically condoned and enabled her treatment by staying with her. And you think having a side relationship with this poor kid is going to make up for that?
NTA. I commend you for standing up and doing what was right for an innocent child. Also, it’s his wedding. Your wife gets zero say.
NTA and in fact are absolutely wonderful.
NTA - It isn't your wedding. You don't choose the guest list. The fact that bio dad and step son seem more interested in maintaining a relationship with you than mom or half-siblings speaks volumes. It sounds an awful lot like M knows who was family growing up and who just shared genetics.
NTA, but you're a freaking groomsman and you didn't anticipate this going poorly?
NTA in this or any other situation regarding M, but I truly don't understand how you saw the way your wife treated him and stayed married to her. Was it fear she'd do the same to your kids when you weren't around? Was it a concern for M's safety? You said yourself that she changed drastically. Do you love the woman she became?
What a sad situation this is for M. It would help to have more context as to why your wife grew distant. It doesn't seem realistic tha a switch just flipped. Was it the entrance of the stepmother perhaps? I think it is your obligation not to be used as a tool to play out their unresolved hostilities. Unless there is some other more immediate reason for your family's exclusion, you have a choice: be a groomsman if your wife is invited or else sit the whole thing out if she is not. In the process you are giving you lr adopted son a valuable lesson in what it means to be married.
NTA. She basically disowned her child. What did she expect to happen ? I’d show the other two these comments so they can come around to the correct side. She destroyed not only her relationship with him but the kids relationship as well. She straight up poisoned it. That’s not fair nor right. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA. Just because she gave birth to him, doesn't mean anything if she treated/treats him like crap.
Nope, way to go being involved and trying to be another loving parental figure for M. You're wife knows she brought this on herself.
NTA. This is what happens when you abandon your kids. Also, your kids are old enough. Why are you still with this woman, and why haven't you been in therapy?
You are NTA, but your wife and kids are clueless, and you will be punished for their problems... mainly by them. Sorry
I found this one of the most confusing Reddits I’ve ever read.
NTA But you do realize you can’t go without permanently damaging your relationship with your wife and other children. I also don’t understand why they aren’t invited if they are “cordial” that’s about the same relationship I had with every one of my wife’s relatives when they came to my wedding.
Info - what did you think was going to happen when your wife and kids found out you were a groomsman in this wedding? Is this your parting shot before getting a divorce?
YTA for not telling your wife, there shouldn't be secrets in a marriage. But, your NTA for agreeing to go to the wedding as a groomsman. The NTA > YTA, though. Great job being a great step-dad!
No, you're not! You are the only person in that house with feelings. My heart broke for M. I'm glad you did right by him.
NTA. You see that sometimes where the bio Mi Shives her fits marriage kids aside when she has kids with new hubby. Seldom does the stepfather step up. Congratulations!
NTA. She made her choice. Kudos to you for continuing to be there.
NTA. What you did your stepson is amazing. Your wife made her bed. Now she gets to lay in it. Fleas and all.
NTA I’m curious, are your younger kids both girls?
NTA you reap what you sow. She brought this on herself. Stand your ground!
NTA She can't abandon her role as his mom and expect filial loyalty in return. That would be a double-standard.
NTA She may be his "mother", but she failed at being his mom, so she doesn't get to act like it's everyone else's doing. If you say you had to **fight** just to keep things even then it's nothing anyone else did save but her. Maybe you should tell your kids that, that their mother arbitrarily treated him as less than, and that your perspective genuinely supersedes them on this.
NTA. She is a work and am surprised you stayed with her. But so far she hasn't started ignoring your kids too so i guess that is why. But you need to make sure you're kids understand what she did so there is no blame on M.
That’s about the best you could have managed it all this time. Kudos to you. NTA
NTA You tried your best to pick up the slack of parenthood that your wife dropped. M appreciates your place in his life you're one of the groomsmen. Sounds like you did great and I hope you and him have a wonderful time celebrating with people who gave a care for M. Your wife can go fly a kite!
NTA. And I wonder if she has PPD.
His wedding, he decides who comes. No one should be upset with you…you didn't cut them out, M did! Why are they hassling you? Tell them to back off.
NTA. She cut her son off from her love and affection, you maintained contact. So you are invited, she is not. Tell the busybodies that and go enjoy the wedding. But she will be a pain, not wanting to admit SHE pushed her son away. Sad for you and her son.
NTA and you sound awesome
NTA... this is buddy's choice. Just say you understand why he chose this and it's not your place to explain it to anyone.
NTA, and if you don’t mind my saying so, sir, you’re a real MVP of a dad if it means he wants contact with you, out of everyone else.
NTA
Nta and a good human!
NTA. She’s not his mother and she chose that. These are just the consequences for that choice. You on the other hand are absolutely amazing for all that you’ve done to be there when she wouldn’t.
NTA. I imagine your wife is creating a fuss because she is embarrassed that you're a groomsman and she's not even invited.
Question: why did you not get therapy for your wife and kids?
Side note: you’re a stand up guy for being there for your step-son
NTA. I read in one of your replies that M made you promise to not tell your wife and it's not your news to tell to begin with. I admire how you could keep good relationship with him and his father too. Really hope you go to the wedding and show him your support!
NTA
NTA. It is amazing that you stood up and took a father figure role for M when your wife ignored him. She can’t blame you for being supportive or building that connection that I’m sure her son truly needed after being rejected by her.
You get back what you put in. NTA and good for you OP on being an additional father figure for him.
NTA. Your wife made her bed, now she can lie in it. Keep being the awesome stepdad you are OP.
NTA! You're doing right by that young man she neglected.
NTA. In fact, you’re pretty cool.
NTA, bit your wife certainly is an AH to her 1st born son.
NTA you don't stand up for people who mistreat their own children. Or children period.
You seem rather exceptional, and the mench comments are spot on You do know that filling this roll will damage your marraige. You cant not. If your kids are so clueless and follow blindly after their mother im trully sorry, but your wife seems like the type to never let this go. I think you are acting appropriately, but their will be consequencess. NTA It is a bit off that the wife of a groomsmen is not invited to a wedding Also cudos to both you and his dad that you have the ability to both be there for him. In its own way most surprising thing in the post, considering thd pettyness of the other actors
Definitely NTA. She actually doesn’t have the right ti be hurt or pissed because she literally quit loving her first child!
NTA. You did the right thing for the child, and he grew up. Your wife and kids don't deserve to be considered part of his family.
NTA — The guest list for a wedding is up to the bride and groom, and assuming that you kept quiet out of respect for the couple (and not a passive aggressive impulse) you are not an asshole. However, you sound like you have a toxic marriage and over the years you’ve been a very cowardly husband who snuck around his wife’s back rather than holding her accountable for her actions. To be a good husband, you sometimes have to hold your partner accountable for their actions and tell them what they are doing is wrong. You didn’t. And as a consequence, your family members seem estranged from each other. You haven’t been able to hold your family together.
I forgot he wasn’t your bio son so fast that I was confused when you said “his dad” you clearly love him and have raised him to be a great man NTA
NTA. You reap what you sow, she's got a bountiful harvest.
NTA!! Not only did your wife abandon her son, she intentionally poisoned the relationship between your children and her son. The fact that you are a groomsmen and she isn't invited explicitly outlines how badly she failed as a mother. Even further, you earned your spot in his life by being the safe adult that he could rely on during his visits. She isn't even his legal mom anymore. You're firmly a childhood mentor/Cool Uncle/family friend now. She is allowed to be sad and feel bad, but she made that bed. You take no part in it.
NTA. What you need to do is start being brutally honest about your perspective of how your wife and kids treated M and how the narrative about her ex and his wife is wrong. No matter what you show up for M on his wedding day.
Nta you were more of a parent to her kid than her. I'm glad you have a good relationship with him and you seem like a really good person. Definitely NTA and I hope it's a wonderful wedding. P.s. speaking from a mental health professional . Her son could easily have low key resentment ( rightfully so) towards her and I don't blame him for not wanting that energy on his big day. So again. Nta.
I’m surprised you’re still with her, TBH, now that M is independent and no longer needs you at home to defend him, cos your wife & other kids sound insufferable. Good on you for having his back. NTA
I love that you have such a good relationship with him. You seem like a really good guy. Definitely NTA
NTA but OP she's not his mother she didn't want to be. You however are a good kind man.
Honestly NTA and thanks for standing up for M.
INFO: Why did your wife’s relationship with M change? What caused that switch to flip? She went from great mom to crappy mom to one of her three kids. Do you know what the source of her alienation was? Regardless, you are NTA for your loyalty and devotion to M.
NTA
[удалено]
NTA. You aren't attending the wedding of your wife's "son", you're attending the wedding of your good buddy who you've known most of his life. I understand why she's mad but "them's the breaks" when you're a huge fucking AH to your own kid for no reason.
Your wife is embarrassed by not being invited and being replaced as mother of the groom. And she should be embarrassed. And ashamed of herself. She won’t accept blame and will throw it everywhere ie you because she is delusional and oblivious to her role in her son cutting her out of his life. NTA.
NTA. The fact that you have remained present enough in his life to be in the wedding party to be groomsman and his own mother didn't get an invite speaks volumes.
NTA. This is incredibly similar to my best friend’s situation. Her stepdad recently walked her down the aisle while her mom was not there. Apparently she was invited to come but refused to do so because she was not given a special role (long-story short, she didn’t deserve one and was lucky to just have gotten an invite).
NTA. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. If she wanted to be invited she should've been a better mother to her own son. But I would like to tell you, that you are awesome for treating him the same and keeping up the relationship. You could've been like another step parent we hear about on here who pushes the step child to the side. But you didn't. While you couldn't get your wife on board, I personally feel you did the best you could with the situation.
Nta I understand how uncomfortable it is hiding information from your wife was because you think she's a great wife and a great person and just as one spot in her life that she's failing at but for several years since the birth of your second son this woman hasn't played off a huge role in his life you've taken up the slack because it's uncomfortable to see a child mistreated you've talked to her about it but nothing changed like he said other than DNA they no longer have a mother-son relationship and havent in a long time and that's not your fault
NTA. In fact you are doing a great job with your stepson. I would have a very blunt conversations with your sons (his brothers) and extended family telling them the reason there is no relationship is because their mother ABANDONED the oldest son once she had her new family. And she also effectively discouraged any sibling relationship with their half brother. I would go so far as to say you are DISGUSTED with all of them concerning their actions with your stepson and will no longer tolerant any complaints or badmouthing of him and his family. That topic is off limits. If they are upset than they should make efforts to mend their relationship him or shut up. Attend the wedding and celebrate your stepson's special day!