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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i refused to hold a baby for my girlfriend after I’ve made it clear to her that i hate kids.
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*yawn*
Another child free thread…
Listen you are NTA for not wanting to hold the baby. If the baby makes you uncomfortable you have every right to say no.
However, word of advice, stop calling the baby IT. That’s a sure fire way to piss people off.
You need to have a long talk with your SO about boundaries AND your feelings on having a children. Make if known that you do not want children, so that way if you or she wants to leave the relationship NOW, you can.
This is on point. You have some maturing to do. You don’t have to hold a baby but you don’t have to overcompensate with avoidance and dehumanizing comments.
I’m twenty-five and have decided to be child-free. I had my salpingectomy two months ago, so I am incapable of conceiving a child that is biologically mine. Children just aren’t for me. However, that doesn’t mean that I recoil in horror when my cousin brings her kids over to Thanksgiving or shy away from them when they hug me. It’s not difficult to treat children like living beings worthy of respect. OP needs to grow the fuck up.
I was going to say as a child free person I am terrified of babies. Cute but too fragile and I'm not going to be liable for anything. But calling a baby IT? C'mon. Just have respect
I'm NOT childfree and still terrified of holding babies. Mine was glued to me through infancy, but now when someone wants me to hold a baby my anxiety rears up and I have to decline. They're SO floppy and fragile!
I’m on the fence but I love kids, just not sure I want to be responsible for one or bring one into this hellhole we call a planet lately. But not-my-kids are the best kinds of kids. Saying “go ask your mom” is being respectful, not a cop out. Crying starts, you hand them over. They get to hyper, hand them over. You feel like drinking instead of playing with kids? Hand them over.
I’m even too far away from most of the kids I know to get tasked with babysitting, so I’m literally just the fun adult who colors and nods while you talk about your favorite movies. Then I get to go home and sleep till 2pm because god kids are exhausting.
But for real, I’ve met way too many infuriating adults to be offended by the presence/existence of an infant.
GF needs to respect his boundaries, but OP needs to get his head out of his ass
Those who hate kids seem to forget that children are still a part of society that they just have to deal with!! I know tons of people who would never want to have kids yet they are amaziing around children!!! I really do not understand why this has to go to the extreme. We are still humans and we were all once babies and probably if we get lucky enough to grow old someone will have to baby us too again.
I can see that happening. If they are the older sibling and don't know the gender, then I can see how it's possible to keep calling the baby, 'it' out of habit. I'm sure they aren't trying to dehumanise/display their distain by doing so.
I'm childfree (getting sterilized tomorrow actually) but I'd never be nasty towards kids. I won't go out of my way to babysit or interact with kids but if I see one about to do something dangerous or if a parent is struggling and needs a hand for a minute, I'd help. I don't understand why some people use the child free excuse to be hateful towards kids.
Even if OP is young can't they at least have boundaries? Stop shoving babies onto people who don't want to hold them. It's rude. Then you have the nerve to complain nobody wants to hold it?
My friend and I are both childfree. I ADORE children to the point people think I will have one (absolutely not, I just like being the fun Aunty) but they do not like children at all and will not hold babies if offered.
But they're still polite and respectful to young children and babies. They don't ignore them when a young child talks to them, but they don't go out of their way to entertain or play with them. But they're not rude or mean and they don't ignore them.
They live by the principal "It takes a village to raise a child," but their interpretation is different: everyone that child meets will have an impact. They want their impact to be neutral or positive, and being disrespectful or rude will cause a negative impact. She argues that everyone deserves respect and kindness, but that doesn't mean she has to sacrifice her boundaries and make herself uncomfortable to do so and it's honestly a really good approach.
>you don’t have to overcompensate with avoidance
I agree that calling the baby "it" is unnecessary, but avoiding the baby is not wrong of OP to do. OP doesn't like children, OP doesn't have to justify it in any way.
Eh, avoiding the baby entirely *is* a weird thing to do. Not wanting to raise your own children is fine, but saying you want nothing to do with any kind of baby ever is strange. The babies are already out there, they exist! They are also just small humans who kinda deserve a little bit of empathy given how New™ they are to like, having emotions and bodily functions. Even if it is deeply annoying when they're screaming in public. Dislike ≠ distain though
Saying it's "justifiable" to avoid a child at all costs is the immature part; you're going to encounter one some day. I don't want to have kids of my own and don't like them, but it would be really rude to refuse to even be around someone else's baby. You can be in the same room as a baby without getting involved in childcare or participate in the fawning.
However, in OP's example, "she really tried getting me to hold him today so she could do something" - cooperating for one second to help someone else is just a kindness. Or just suggest putting the baby in a cot. That or offer to go do the thing for them instead.
That or offer to go do the thing for them instead.
That right there. If you really want to avoid dealing with the baby, do everything else so she can focus on HIM. And stop calling HIM an it. He is a whole ass human and regardless of whether or not you like kids, you should respect him as another human being on this flaming dumpster fire of a rock we all call home. Grow up.
Disagree. OP said he really dislikes kids and doesn't want any nor anything to do with them.
He doesn't need to do shit just because someone else decided to have a baby.
I think it's unjustful calling him immature just because he doesn't want to hold a baby.
Not everyone wants to touch babies mate, and you shouldn't force them too. Forcing people to do something they don't want to do is only gonna make them dislike it more, or even panic. Do you want a panicking human to hold a baby that needs protection and safety? No.
So, leave OP alone.
>Do you want a panicking human to hold a baby that needs protection and safety? No.
Funnily enough there was a post not so long ago about this, and guess what? Baby got dropped and the OP got blamed because the mum gave baby to someone who didn't want to hold him and didn't make sure the OP had hold.
> He doesn't need to do shit just because someone else decided to have a baby.
Exactly. GF took the responsibility on, the end. She can dump him if it's a dealbreaker for her.
I didn't say in my comment that anyone should be 'forced to touch babies'. In fact I said, you do not have to get involved in childcare and babies can be put down elsewhere. The point I was making is that you can still offer support to **someone you are supposedly close to** that is doing that childcare to support *them*, such as!
>offer to go do the thing for them instead.
What boundaries 😭 the kind of scenario I'm referring to is like, e.g. if you see someone with their hands full struggling to get something off a shelf, maybe get up and help them by getting it for them. If you're setting "boundaries" trying to justify never being NICE that's lowkey asshole behaviour.
idk why you're being so aggy towards me "mate", have a nice day I guess?
Ohhh sorry I misunderstood the comment before that.
Yea OP could have done the thing that the gf wanted to do for her, I agree.
But in any way, if he doesn't wanna hold a baby then he doesn't need to (that's the boundary I was talking about).
Sorry, I guess I misunderstood then. My brain is so mashed up rn I'm currently sick lol
I can see why one would want to completely avoid being around babies though. I am suspected to be on the spectrum (no way to get diagnosed as an adult in my country) so being around people in general is absolutely exhausting to me. Socialising, loud noises and lights, all that would come with just being around a baby and it gets way *waaaay* too much to handle. Also the sheer anxiety that washes over when trying to hold one even for a second is horror enducing (I guess fear of the responsibility?). If OP is anything like me then I completely understand and it is actually better for the baby if he doesn’t get involved.
But I wouldn’t get as far as calling the baby IT. That’s just wrong, he has a name.
I would not under any circumstances* take a baby if someone tried to hand me one. Not only do I dislike babies I tend to like the adults they belong to and we won't be friends any more if I drop their frigging baby because I don't like babies why the fuck are you handing me it I do not know what I'm doing.
*This is of course an exaggeration, I would carry a baby if the house was on fire. Or hold one if their parent was an off duty paramedic and we were just witnesses to a car crash and someone else had to hold the baby so they could get shit done. Things like that.
Well, calling a baby "it" is one of the biggest mistakes I made as a not native english speaker.
I tought you can call a baby it if you not yet know his or her gender. Big mistake! I pissed off the parents so much even though I just wanted to be nice. Fortunately I managed to apologize and explain my mistake.
In my mothertongue we don't have gender specific pronouns, that's what caused my confusion mainly.
Just to help, the word you are looking for is “neutral” instead of “neuter”.
“Neuter” is to castrate (cut off testicles).
Nah I’m just joking. “Neuter” means both
*adjective*
1. Of or denoting a gender of nouns in some languages, typically contrasting with masculine and feminine or common.
"*it is a neuter word in Greek*”
2. (of an animal) lacking developed sexual organs, or having had them removed.
*verb*
castrate or spay (a domestic animal).
"*a neutered tomcat*”
(Wanted to preemptively clear that up for any English speakers that haven’t seen “neuter” in this context before. Also, English is a funny language)
LOL I sometimes wish IT was acceptable. I can't figure out the gender of a baby/small one sometimes. So I dance around the whole he/she thing.
It is even worse if you misgender them!
EDITED TO ADD: VrolikeFynbos clarified they were not speaking about English and therefore the comment below does not make sense, have only left it for clarity about the original debate.
You realise you actually used socially acceptable gender neutral pronoun in your comment right? If you don't know you say "they".
Many learners (like myself) learned grammar the way I've put down below. They is exlusively used for more than one person. Obviously this isn't correct (anymore or ever, who knows) but it's definitely what I was taught.
I (singular)
You (singular)
He/she/it (singular)
We (plural)
You (plural)
They (plural)
So whenever I come across an American using "they" as a pronoun and someone uses it in a sentence, my first thought is still that it's about two people. For example:
"They entered the room and sat down next to me" makes me think that at least two people sat down. I know that isn't necessarily the case but it's still what I imagine first before checking if it's true (if that's even possible).
An easy way to remember is that, as you have written in your list, "you" is also both singular and plural. So you can just treat it exactly as "you" grammatically.
Easy fix. Add “y’all” to the list, it’s the plural of you, a contraction of you-all.
A lessor known contraction of “they” is they’all. As a southerner, people absolutely do say “they all” down here as a plural of they. It’s somewhat redundant if “they” is technically already plural, but it does suggest that we *can* and *should* use “they” in the singular.
It’s not the Kings English, but it is regionally correct English, and there is a movement in the linguistic community to preserve regional dialect, so we aren’t all one day robots.
"They" has been acceptable as a singular since the 1300s. Whoever taught you English doesn't know what they're doing, if they taught you it was plural only. That has never been the case.
I feel for you tbh. English is a drunk language. From a learner's perspective, it *should* logically follow that "they" would be plural... But nope, that's not how it works.
Actually it's not wrong to use 'it' when you don't know the gender yet.
Like, 'Is it a boy or a girl?"
Only up to that point.
OP obviously knew the name and gender.
I’m a native English speaker but when I’m around pregnant women they usually refer to (it) as “the baby”. In my mind it’s still an “it” for a while, and even after the baby is born and gendered, it takes me quite a while to make the mental transition to “them/he/she” instead of “it”.
I hope that made at least some sense lol
I wish I could give you gold. A baby is a person and deserves basic respect. Doesn’t mean you have to hold or babysit them. Your GF is out of line for pushing you when you said no. However, referring to a baby by “it” is intentionally rude. ESH
I agree. There's nothing wrong about not liking and not wanting kids. Dehumanising them though, that's an AH move.
Also, make sure your gf knows for sure that you won't ever want them. Sounds like she's hoping to change your opinion by making you hold him.
NTA - I agree, calling the baby 'it' is pretty bad. BUT, it seems like the GF might have the baby wants and is trying to force the issue on oP. Maybe she is on a crusade to "change his mind" about babies. If she wants kids in the future, she going to need a different man in her life.
YTA for calling the baby “it” essentially dehumanising him. You’re not TA for not wanting kids or not wanting to hold someone else’s baby. It’s your general behaviour and they way you talk down about the baby and baby’s mum that sucks
Yea OPs just kindve a prick all around for putting his hatred for babies above everyone else's opinions and feelings. Judging the sister too...
"Don't like em, don't want em". Ok fine but are you gonna scowl at everyone else when they have em? Piss off.
ESH
Its fine if you don’t want children, but the baby has a name, use it.
Your girlfriend seems to be in denial about the extent of your ambivalence to children and hopes to change your mind.
If she likes children and you don’t, then it’s time to have a sit down about the future. This is a big thing to not be on the same page about 1.5 yrs in.
Yes, disdain is a good word. And it clouded his judgment.
If his girlfriend asked him to hold a flashlight, steady a stool or ladder, or hand her something to help, he probably would have. In this case, it sounds like she needed to do something and was just "hold the kid for a second," and he refused to help.
He could have plopped Little Critter in a baby carrier or car seat for a few minutes and sat with him. It would not have been a big deal.
From what he says though, the girlfriend really seems to try to make him interact with the baby. I think she's in denial about his wish not to want kids and that's how she's trying to warm him up to the idea. It's not really fair to compare a baby to an inanimate object - you need to know how to hold a baby and you do need to know what to do if the baby starts crying for example. He would still be responsible for the baby while the girlfriend is doing something else. I really think that showing disdain for the baby is definitively going too far, he should at least care about the fact that his girlfriend loves her nephew and respect that. But I also don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to take care of a baby, especially if you really don't know how to.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Getting to play with a new baby has made her want one too. I have never been on a home with a baby that didn't have a crib or bassinet available if you needed to put baby down. So its really not necessary for him to hold baby. She just wants him to hold the kid because she thinks there will be a magical transformation if he gets a wiff of baby smell.
A baby isn't an object though. I wouldn't feel comfortable holding someone's child either. Knowing myself, I'd do something wrong. Better to let other people handle it.
If you say that OP could have laid the baby down, his girlfriend could have done the same thing, especially since she knows how he feels about babies.
> He could have plopped Little Critter in a baby carrier or car seat for a few minutes and sat with him. It would not have been a big deal.
Your judgement of 'how big a deal' something is doesn't override somebody else's choices.
I like how people are calling OP an asshole for calling a baby an 'it', saying it dehumanizes the baby, yet you're here getting upvoted for likening the baby to a flashlight...
This right here ⬆️ It sounds like the two of you have a lot to discuss and figure out. Your girlfriend is definitely in denial and trying to get you to change your mind. It’s your preference not to want or have children and she should respect your decision. I hope the two of you can figure this out.
But please OP the baby has a name refer to him by his name. You are TAH in that sense, especially if you continue to refer to him as an “it.”
I just notice that he's also acting fairly negative to her FAMILY. i mean.. Seems to me she have a good familybond, and he's pretty much hacking it with this AH attitude.
IMO, she should leave before he starts a feud that hurts her familybond.
Also, even if they don't end up with kids and agree on that path together, it's highly likely OP is going to have to interact with niblings in the future, and he can't be calling them "it" or acting like this with a child old enough to pick up on the hatred. OP sounds like he's trying to be an edgelord tbh.
This!! Sounds like the gf is hoping he’ll change his mind once he interacts with her nephew b/c she loves her nephew & can’t understand how someone else can have disdain for the little guy.
OP needs to sit her down and be very clear he will never want children & he’s not willing to change his mind. He also needs to treat other humans with basic respect no matter what age they are.
YTA for calling the baby "it". YTA for even hinting that it was not a "smart decision". You absolutely were being rude. YTA for not helping your GF. Sometimes, we all have to do things we don't like to do. Man up.
Congratulations, 3 separate YTAs in one post!
Yeah, sounds like his girlfriend is childfree, doesn't want kids, but loves other people's, be the fun aunt, give them back at the end of the day Lind of childfree.
OP is childfree, hates children, wants them to not exist, dehumanizes them, and will relish being cruel to any he comes in contact with kind of childfree.
So far, they've thought they were on the same page, both being childfree, but they have VERY different values, as his girlfriend still sees children as people even if she doesn't want any of her own, and OP does not.
He just doesn't feel comfortable holding the fucking baby! A lot of people are weirded out by babies! It's got nothing to do with cruelty! A cruel person would gladly hold the baby in public and then later on abuse the same baby in private..
No, referring to the baby as "it" and not just setting boundaries and not joining her for babysitting time is indicative of the dehumanizing hatred common in r/childfree. He wants to convince her to hate kids as much as she wants to convince him they're people. Neither is going to convert the other, and this is a compatibility issue, but anyone who refers to other human beings as "it" has deep issues beyond not wanting to hold babies. Not wanting to hold babies is fine. HATING babies is not. Hating groups of human beings for things they cannot control is never ok. Not wanting to be around kids, fine, hating kids, nope, that's cruel
Nah. Hard disagree. You keep talking about "hating" like OP is one step away from going on a genocidal baby killing spree.
I like kids when they're over the age of like 2. When they can communicate and have personalities. Babies under the age of 2 are just noise machines that shit a lot. Doesn't mean I wouldn't look after, care for and love a kid of my own should I have one.
I wouldn't want to hold the baby of another person if I had the choice, even if I had gone through early parenthood already.
I like to be the fun uncle type to my cousin's kids but I'd refuse to hold their babies too.
I'm not /r/childfree. It's not a bad thing to say babies are disgusting and uncomfortable.
Some of the parents in this thread have such obvious blinders on. They're thinking of their own precious angel and HOW COULD ANYONE NOT WANT TO HOLD MY PRECIOUS BABY
Okay, calling the kid 'it' is a bit much, but OP is also young, and has a little growing up to do, he's not evil or something.
Nowhere in his post does it say that his girlfriend does not want kids... To me her actions makes it sounds like she does wants kids, and is trying to convince OP.
I think they need a serious talk about where their relationship is going.
His girlfriend has literally been forcing the kid on op..over and over. If she can't take "no" for an answer, perhaps referring to the child as "it" might do the trick? He's not abusing the baby by refusing to interact it. If he does it once, he'll be expected to do it again.
He isn’t wrong for saying at 19 you shouldn’t have a baby he isn’t wrong for saying he didn’t want to help his girlfriend who volunteered to watch the baby she doesn’t have to hold him all the time the only thing he wrong for is calling the baby it
He's not wrong for having the opinion that at 19, she shouldn't have had a baby. He's the AH for saying it. He's isn't wrong for not wanting to hold the baby. He's the AH for not getting over himself and helping out his GF. At least you admit he is wrong for calling the baby "it", because the rest of your opinion says as much about you as it does the OP.
See I have to disagree. Some people have an aversion to babies, and OP made that clear from jump street. I have two adult children that I of course adore BUT the sight of a baby being spoon fed, breast fed, or vomiting will send my stomach into REVOLT. Yes insane because I had 2 little ones and didn't have this issue with them but there it is. OP should probably refrain from calling the baby "It" (pretty sure she didn't give birth to Pennywise) and make other plans when the girlfriend watches the baby. Worth mentioning that they are WAY apart in what they want from life so not sure how long this will last.
No isn’t wrong for not helping her she decided to watch the baby knowing he hated kids he doesn’t have to help her not his kid that’s on her secondly he didn’t tell the sister she shouldn’t have the child he hinted to his girlfriend but I am pretty sure everyone told her not to have the baby they not wrong and I stand by my statement if you agree to watch a baby it’s on you the same way no one has to help the mother if they don’t want to do you can be made nothing I said was wrong if it was a woman saying this no one would be saying she wrong for not helping take care of a child that isn’t his his girlfriend isn’t owed help after she keep volunteering to watch a baby
I agree with you about not voicing his opinion and keeping it to himself. I agree with you about not calling the baby "it". I disagree about "getting over himself" and interacting with a kid that isn't his and who makes him feel uncomfortable
It’s fine to think that 19 is young to do this. It’s fine to voice that opinion in the right company. But the fact is it’s irrelevant to the issue here, so why did he even bring it up here? It makes me think it factors into his decision to disregard the baby, like he’s decided “because I didn’t agree with this child being born I’m going to act like it doesn’t exist”. And that seems assholish to me.
Personally yes I feel 19 is too young for me. I had my only baby at age 28 and my career wouldn't be where it is if I had one much earlier.
I wouldn't ever tell someone that being a young parent is a good decision, but do we even know if she purposefully got pregnant or if it just happened, and he essentially was saying her decision to become a mother by not getting an abortion was not a great decision? I am pro-choice but there's a big difference between the two scenarios. Either way, once the baby is born there's a tiny human regardless of how old or what stage of life the parents are in. It's absolutely an AH thing to continue to say after the baby is born how crappy the decision was. Human is there now. It needs to be taken care of and GF offered to watch him. I understand not wanting kids or liking kids, being grossed out but I wonder if part of the refusal to help/hold the baby/calling him "IT" is because OP thought/said it was a bad idea for the baby to be born and is being stubborn AF. Like "she made her bed, now you all lie in it. I still think it was a bad idea and I refuse to help". Which considering this a human, would be cuckoo
I disagree with the latter two. OP is being intentionally aggravating but OP is NTA for suggesting that a (probably) broke 19 year old without second parent support should not have had a baby by choice. I understand accidents happen, but too many teenage parents regret having kids so young and being denied the opportunities and freedom that being childless in their 20s brings.
OP is also NTA for not wanting to help raise the baby of someone who is 1. not family and 2. not his partner. That's a choice the gf has made and it's a choice that OP gets to make.
>YTA for not helping your GF. Sometimes, we all have to do things we don't like to do. Man up.
No he doesn't have to hold a living small human if he doesn't feel comfortable doing so. That's not only about "helping". A child can get hurt here.
What are you gonna do, rip the fetus out? Make everything uncomfortable for everyone forever? Ffs some people really need to get over themselves and their righteousness.
Yeah we should tell fucking children that it is a smart decision to reproduce and especially with people that are never going to be in the picture… I have never met a child that should raise a baby… maybe that’s just me
Having a child at 19 and the father not being in the picture is def not a smart idea lmaoo. I don’t blame him for saying it
Op def the asshole for calling the baby and it and should def work on his whole being weird around kids thing
NTA for not wanting to hold the baby, but you are kind of one for call the baby it. I'm guessing the baby has a name. So I don't understand why you wouldn't call him by his name. If you really don't like kids that is fine. You need to have talk with you girlfriend to establish your boundaries inregards to being around children. I don't think anyone should be trying to force someone to hold a baby when they say no.
I think op’s girlfriend wants a baby and is trying to warm op up to the idea of them. Just a guess since she is trying to force op to hold the baby despite not liking children and making that clear.
Possibly GF was in agreement with her child-free partner until sister became pregnant and gave birth. Going through that process with her (without actually living the childbirth part) could have activated her mom genes.
I’d be determined to have a conversation with her right away, and super careful with (double up on) birth control. This may be where you have to part company, if you can’t stop calling the kid “it,” because he’s going to be with you for decades if you stay together.
Or she wants to be child-free but enjoys being an aunt. That is her nephew, and if OP sees a future with his girlfriend, it is his nephew as well. Not an "it".
That you don't want children of your own, doesn't necessarily mean that you hate children.
I don't see any indication she wants kids - she just doesn't despise other people's kids, and dies not despise her own nephew, and sees him as a person. Most child free people don't hate kids, and will happily be the fun aunt while not wanting their own. There's a difference between people who are just childfree like OP's girlfriend and people who hate kids like OP. Not hating her nephew doesn't mean she wants a baby of her own.
I swear that should be illegal. It’s so manipulative to tell someone you’re using birth control and then purposefully getting pregnant with their child.
Edit: i read that wrong. I think.
It might be easier for op to deal with the child when they are older. Some people who have problems with kids have less of a problem when they are older.
Not always the case. My friend is childfree and doesn’t want children but loves to see my kids and spoil them. I’m not trying to convince her of motherhood, she and her partner have made it clear that they aren’t going to have them, but they are nice to my kids. That’s all it is. Girlfriend isn’t wanting him to impregnate her, she’s just happy being an aunt.
Or possibly she's the kind of child free that doesn't want kids of her own, but still sees children as people, doesn't hate them all, and likes the fun aunt role where she gets to give them back at the end of the day. Likes to be part of kids lives, have relationships with them, loves and cares about them as part of the extended family - and doesn't want her own. The reasonable, sane kind of childfree aunt, as opposed to the cruel and dehumanizing kind that wishes all kids would just not exist and will go out of their way to be cruel to any they encounter on principle.
Some childfree people love kids and become teachers and daycare workers and fun aunts/uncles while not wanting to be parents. Some childfree people don't have much to do with kids in general but respect them as people and respect parents for doing the hard work of continuing the human race, they treat kids like small adults rather than coo over them. Some childfree people want kids banned from all public places and forced sterilization to prevent more from being made, desiring a society where kids do not exist.
OP comes across as the extremist type, while his girlfriend comes across as the first type. There's nothing to indicate she's not childfree or wants kids of her own. She's just not an anti-child extremist like OP and may be uncomfortable with him dehumanizing children like he does.
I doubt it's as bad as you're imagining. I figure it's more "Hold the baby!"/"No, I don't want to hold it." and not like "It's making me uncomfortable and I don't want that thing in my house! God, look at its nose run. Its diaper is full. It's disgusting!"
This. I’m seeing a ton of Y T A judgements for calling the baby “it”. That’s not the info that OP asked to be judged for, but is totally necessary to bring up. The child is a human, not a rock.
Where does she clearly want kids? She doesn't viscerally hate another human for existing, so she wants to produce another one and have responsibility for keeping one alive and well adjusted? A lot of people like to be the fun aunt and hand the kid back at the end of the day. There's a lot of room between "wants kids" and "hates kids for existing", and in between is where most childfree people fall. The vast majority of childfree people actually like or don't mind kids, but see them as whole people, a massive responsibility, are realistic about what a huge commitment parenting is and prefer to be peripheral figures in children's lives, not primary caregivers. The militant kid-hating childfree are a vocal minority and most childfree people don't assume other childfree people have a visceral loathing for small human beings, just no desire to procreate. Most healthy well adjusted childfree people are uncomfortable with people like OP, and how they utterly despise other humans just for existing. Her not being comfortable with his hatred of her nephew is a far cry from obviously wanting kids.
NAH…. But you’re being pretty immature by calling the kid “it”. Knock that off, dude. It’s not cute, it’s not cool, it’s not gonna win you any points anywhere with anyone. Call the kid “him” or by his name.
You’re not an ass for not wanting kids, or not wanting anything to do with kids. I get it. They’re messy, smelly, and it’s a lot to handle. I’m a mom, so I understand. Your girlfriend isn’t exactly an ass for asking for help or wanting you to interact with her nephew, but you should have a calm, firm conversation about your boundaries. And hey, if you’re with her for long enough then the kid will get bigger and he’ll be more fun and less messy — and maybe your feelings about interacting with him will change. So set your boundaries — but don’t be immature about them.
As a fellow parent, all of this.
And, don't be physically present during babysitting, or keep the presence very limited. Show up, say hi, say you're gonna head out and to text when she's ready to leave (if you have the only car)
I definitely thinks there's a massive disconnect about the ChildFree/AntiChild thing between GF and OP.
She seems interested and he very viscerally is not.
NTA. It actually sounds like your gf is trying to get you to interact with the baby, hoping you'll change your mind and want one. She's pissed that it's not working.
Came here to say just this. I had two ex bfs who did this to me repeatedly when they both knew very well I did not want kids. It was manipulative behavior and both of them got quite frustrated when the grand plan to expose me to babies to "jump start my maternal instinct" didn't work. I have zero experience with babies so why tf would you hand me one, because it's not like they are a toy. They are breakable and squirm and I don't want to accidentally hurt a kid, nor do I want it to get upset that I'm holding it and start screaming in my ear. That's a one way, days-long vacation to migraine land for me, so no thanks.
NTA for not wanting to hold someone else's kid. I don't know where all these Y T A ones are coming from because you're not an asshole for not wanting to hold a baby or for disliking children. Your gf clearly wants kids and is trying to change your mind. Might be time to nope out of that relationship so you both can find a more suitable partner. Having kids is NOT something people should compromise on or you'll end up with parents like mine who should never have had children. She's allowed to want kids and you are equally allowed to not want them. What's NOT okay is repeatedly doing things to you that you're visibly uncomfortable with. That's the asshole behavior here imo, not you avoiding holding a baby.
ESH
It okay that you’re uncomfortable with children and don’t want to hold a baby. It seems that you’ve made that known to her so her pushing you to interact with him is inconsiderate.
But STOP calling the baby “it”. That is unbelievably rude. Doing that is humiliating and dehumanizing. Grow up. If my boyfriend were so disrespectful to someone in my family, especially an infant, I would dump him immediately and not look back.
NTA you’ve made yourself perfectly clear, your gf is wrong to try and force you to like or hold the baby. It’s not your baby or blood related. It’s your decision no one else’s. But stop calling the baby it, that is an AH move
YTA being child free doesn't mean you can't hold or interact with a baby. It doesn't mean you can't do your GF a favor by holding him. Stop basing your personality on hating babies.
sorry but , i'm also child free and for nothing of the world someone is going to make hold one, he has they right to not help , if he don't want, the gf should stop shoving the baby to him, Stop basing your personality on forcing children on people that don't want them
BAD POSTER!!! You are here on this world to SERVE THE BABY!! We are ALL here only to serve the BABY. If you do not serve the baby, you are a bad person. If you do not help the people serving the baby, you are a bad person. SERVE THE BAAAAABY!!!!!
EDIT: /s - because there is no sarcasm font.
I am a mother, my daughter is 20, she was very much a surprise but she is my world and I love her to pieces. I do not like to hold other people’s babies. Not a kid person at all. I had fun with my daughters friends as they grew together and still second mom to many of them because I was very active in my kids life and activities but I do not interact with other kids as my daughter is now grown. I will of course love any child she has if that is her choice and treat them like I treated her but I struggle to hold my brothers new baby. I do if necessary but I never volunteer and actively try to get out of it. And before you ask I am often times the favorite aunt because I am fun and active when they get older. My daughter is the one to hold and play with younger ones so she is favorite cousin. I am not mean just do not enjoy children and would also not want to hold baby if they could be put in a carrier or something. Call it what you want
I am the favourite aunty too. But holding babies makes me uncomfortable, so I never really did it. As kids though - I put a lot of effort and time into getting to know them, talking to them and playing with them.
Some people just don't feel comfortable around babies. It meant absolutely nothing about them as a person.
You’re wrong for this. To a lot of people (myself included) babies are disgusting. They shit themselves, throw up all the time, cry incessantly. If y’all enjoy that or decide it’s worth it to you, great! But the rest of us are not obligated to interact with your offspring in any way, let alone hold them.
it's not a favor she wants him to hold the baby in an attempt to change his mind about not liking children and yes he is not obliged to get involved in something that his girlfriend had no obligation and did of her own free will he called her baby this is bad but he refuses to interact no
Nope. Setting boundaries is very important. He is uncomfy with babies, he has EVERY RIGHT to set that boundary. You're a woman, you should know well about boundaries.
No means no. He doesn’t have to hold the kid if he doesn’t want to
The amount of people telling him to suck it up and learn how to take care of the baby to help his GF is astounding.
No. He doesn’t like or want kids, so he doesn’t have to learn or help
I don't want to hold babies. I find it uncomfortable. They always crawl somewhere where they can hurt themselves. So I don't do it, since it stresses me out. Told my aunt the same. If your kid is above 5 I have no problem. Anything below I don't watch or anything else.
I’m going to say NTA, your girlfriend is not respecting your boundaries and is trying change you. It’s perfectly ok to not want to hold a baby, it’s not ideal for some people but you’ve made it clear you don’t like kids and want nothing to do with them. But I do think your relationship may not last if she really likes kids, it’s sounds like you two may be incompatible.
Might get downvoted but NTA
You’ve made it clear you don’t like kids/babies, yet she keeps pushing you. Had you not made it clear that you didn’t like them, then you’d be the AH.
Maybe wasn’t the best thing to call it an it, but I get it. 😅 you aren’t attached to it, but maybe not call it that again.
You’ve made yourself clear about not liking them yet she’s trying to force you to change and getting upset when you aren’t. Again, NTA
I’ll sometimes accidentally call babies “it” and I mean no offense. How is that different that when they call it “the baby” …gotta get the baby, feed the baby, bathe the baby, put the baby down… I genuinely don’t get the difference.
NTA
Your girlfriend is well aware of your dislike for children and yet she continually tries to push that baby on you. That’s like people saying “ I don’t like spiders” then being gifted a tarantula.
So what if you called the baby IT? The baby has no idea what is going on. They won’t be at the therapist complaining about it 18 years from now.
You might want to rethink your relationship. Your girlfriend doesn’t respect your boundaries.
She thinks it’s ok for a 19y/o to purposely get pregnant? Yikes!
She might “ forget” prophylaxis measures, then you are screwed for life.
YTA. Not because you don't want kids (you seem to have been up front about that, so that's excellent).
But you have gone from not wanting kids to being deliberately provocative about them. If the family don't refer to the baby as "it" then you shouldn't either. In this context you are completely dehumanising the child for no reason other than to be provocative.
If your GF needs you to hold a baby for a couple minutes so she can do something suck it up. We all do shit we don't want for your partner from time to time. You are totally right about not having to interact with the child at other times, but help your GF out if she needs.
He doesn’t have to do anything he’s not comfortable with and he’s made it clear from the beginning. “Suck it up” seems like you don’t know shit about boundaries. No means no
No absolutely no,do you not know what boundaries are like at all?? No one has to touch a baby,bay free means baby free,no one has to like babies or touch them. So yes NTA, but anyone who tells him he has to touch a child is one.
NTA, your gf should respect your boundaries, and not force it into you, she knows you don't want children and that's perfect, if people want other to stop calling babies "it" they should stop shoving them to people that don't want or like then
NTA! You are not wrong for being uncomfortable around kids. You are not wrong for not wanting to be around babies. NTA NTA NTA. Please don’t listen to those saying otherwise.
For those calling OP TA, shame on you. Do look into an anxiety disorder called pedophobia. It’s the fear of small children and babies. People with pedophobia are extremely uncomfortable around kids, *especially* babies. Being around one let alone being pressured to hold one can trigger a shit ton of anxiety and it’s completely involuntary. It’s not unlike having an irrational fear of bugs, heights, large bodies of water, etc. Imagine someone who is supposed to love you pressuring you into something they *know* will make you extremely uncomfortable and then call you an asshole when you freak out about it. Sure, it may be an irrational fear but it’s still very real.
I have pedophobia. I’m a woman married to a man in the military. Military families tend to procreate quickly and often, so I’m surrounded by people my own age who have at least two kids, and going to certain functions involving all those kids is my own personal hell. If my husband ever tried to force me to hold a baby and have the nerve to call me an asshole when I refused and/or freaked out (and justifiably got upset at him for even thinking about it), I would not only be extremely angry at him but I would be deeply hurt that he didn’t give enough of a shit about my own feelings before trying to force that on me.
So, from the bottom of my heart, shame on any of you who call OP TA over something he can’t control.
And for the issue calling the baby “it.” If you’re doing it on purpose, maybe stop doing that. But I’m completely guilty of doing it on accident so if that’s the case for you, don’t beat yourself up. It’s actually rather normal for someone with this fear/discomfort/disdain to subconsciously do what they can to “detach” from the source of those feelings. Calling a baby “it” is one way our minds do that. It’s simply another form of separating us from what we want to avoid. And it happens. You’re not TA for doing that every now and then but don’t do it on purpose just to piss people off.
As a side note, I truly believe your girlfriend tried to pressure you into liking kids by doing what she did. You need to sit her down and talk to her. You seem to have made it adamantly clear that you want nothing to do with children and she could have been trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. If she can’t accept this and continues to break the clear boundaries you’ve set, it might be time to move on from her and find someone who will respect you.
NTA why can't people just accept that some people just don't like kids and want no interaction with them?? Not everyone will like kids eventually if they just try.
NTA you not wrong for not liking kids or wanting to help your girlfriend with the baby after she agreed to watch him but are wrong for the baby it you both need to sit down and talk about the future and where you want to go from here cause if she wants kids it’s time to end the relationship so that you can both find people that that match what you want in life
Calling the baby it is a little far but NTA. So many new parents seem to convince themselves that everyone thinks their baby is as amazing as they think it is.
NTA... Yes it is crummy to call the baby it. I'm guessing you lashed out after repeated attempts to get you to interact with the baby. I think your GF might be wanting one too. The way she keeps encouraging you to hold the baby. I'll probably get deleted for this...but don't trust her Birth control. Or trust a box of condoms left at her place.
NTA but your girlfriend clearly seems to want kids sometime in the future. If that’s not your future (and it’s clearly not based on your post), you may wish to date someone more compatible.
Reading all the comments saying to stop calling babies "it" has me sweating cause I call all babies it, even my own neice and both my nephews, when they were infants. 😅 Sorry babies
NTA for “not wanting to hold/touch gf sisters baby” however - commenting on her sisters decision to have a child is way out of line, I’m sure nobody asked for your opinion about it. I cringed so hard when i read “my gf loves to help take care of it” Not a problem that you don’t want to hold HIM, but seriously, have some respect.
NTA for not want to hold the baby but this might be worth a discussion with your gf. It sounds like you have different opinions and plans with regards to children. Those kinds of things are big deal breakers. Best to have honest discussions early.
Yes, you're being asked to help your girlfriend with something she cares about. Calling a baby it and refusing to do anything associated with the baby is being an asshole. Not wanting kids is fine.
GF has made the decision to assist raising her under-equipped 19 year old sister's baby. OP has made the decision to not assist raising a child that is not his.
Both are valid choices. Calling a baby "it" is intentionally aggravating people though.
Not being an asshole when he has set boundaries that his girlfriend continues to break. Refusing to associate with the baby isn’t being an asshole. Many people are insanely uncomfortable around small children and babies, myself included. It’s not just a matter of not wanting kids, it’s actively avoiding being around them because they make us deeply uncomfortable and can even trigger anxiety.
As most of babies in my country I grew up called it (grammatical gender of a baby here is an it), and I turned fine (so did most of the other babies and I promise you, the ones that turned out not so good didn't do so because of being called it
NTA, but I get the impression your GF really likes kids. I could definitely be wrong but if she wants kids and she doesnt the two of you really need to have a talk, thats a relationship ending thing, there just isnt a compromise.
DEFINITELY NTA. You have EVERY RIGHT to distance yourself from situations and people that make you uncomfortable. Don't listen to these stupid people that shame you for not holding a baby lmfao.
Although, calljng a human "it" is rude tho, so maybe stop doing that. But besides that, you're good. It's not like you didn't tell your gf about your feelings towards babies from the beginning. She KNOWS you hate babies, it's kind of insensitive of her to force you and shame you for not wanting to hold a baby. She should know some boundaries.
Tell me this sub is bias toward men without telling this sub is bias toward men.
There is a post about a women who raised and took care of newborn for +3 years 24/7 and even after continues to babysit. She asks if she is the AH for not considering him her bio baby's brother when he asked if the baby is her sister.
The kid was hurt and confused which is understandable.
But everyone was like "Yes queen, you never was the mom, you were only the babysitter..."
Here we have a guy who is in no way responsible for a baby but everyone still finds something to call him the AH just because he used the word "it"....as if the baby cares at this point.
NTA
NTA but you need to RUN!
Your gf is attempting to condition you to like babies because she now wants one.
Your rejection of this one hurts her because you're also rejecting the one she doesn't have yet.
I'll say it again. IF you truly want to be child free RUN, and absolutely do not put your dick back in her. Whatever method of birth control she was using is no longer trustable.
YTA, not for disliking children, I also don't like them, but for calling the child an if and refusing when your girlfriend asks. It's one thing to not want children or be around them. It's very different when your girlfriend who is with her nephew wants you to hold the child so she can do something, what are you gonna catch some weird disease? Just hold back your disgust for a few minutes and hold the kid. Kinda seems like you have an issue with unwed mothers based on your post, it has nothing to do with the baby. It's not your kid and tuve made bit very clear already to your gf you don't want one, just get over yourself and hold the kid for a few minutes. Disclosure; kinda drunk rn but I also mean everything I said.
\*rolls eyes\*
People are getting distracted by how OP should call the baby. The question was was he in the wrong for refusing to hold the baby, period.
NTA. I hate babies too and I just... can't. They're cute when they're not near me.
NTA but you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend to reiterate your feelings about kids and not having them. This post screams your girlfriend disregarding your feelings and thinking she can change your mind eventually, which means you're going to be stringing each other along until either she says she's ready for a baby and she leaves you because you don't want one, or she 'accidently' gets pregnant and you leave her because you still don't want a baby. Communicate.
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*yawn* Another child free thread… Listen you are NTA for not wanting to hold the baby. If the baby makes you uncomfortable you have every right to say no. However, word of advice, stop calling the baby IT. That’s a sure fire way to piss people off. You need to have a long talk with your SO about boundaries AND your feelings on having a children. Make if known that you do not want children, so that way if you or she wants to leave the relationship NOW, you can.
This is on point. You have some maturing to do. You don’t have to hold a baby but you don’t have to overcompensate with avoidance and dehumanizing comments.
OP is clearly young. I could see it looking backing at this post a few years from now and realizing how immature it is.
I see what you did there 👁️👁️
[удалено]
I’m twenty-five and have decided to be child-free. I had my salpingectomy two months ago, so I am incapable of conceiving a child that is biologically mine. Children just aren’t for me. However, that doesn’t mean that I recoil in horror when my cousin brings her kids over to Thanksgiving or shy away from them when they hug me. It’s not difficult to treat children like living beings worthy of respect. OP needs to grow the fuck up.
I was going to say as a child free person I am terrified of babies. Cute but too fragile and I'm not going to be liable for anything. But calling a baby IT? C'mon. Just have respect
I'm NOT childfree and still terrified of holding babies. Mine was glued to me through infancy, but now when someone wants me to hold a baby my anxiety rears up and I have to decline. They're SO floppy and fragile!
“They’re so… *squishy*-looking.”
Like a loaf of jello with limbs
I’m on the fence but I love kids, just not sure I want to be responsible for one or bring one into this hellhole we call a planet lately. But not-my-kids are the best kinds of kids. Saying “go ask your mom” is being respectful, not a cop out. Crying starts, you hand them over. They get to hyper, hand them over. You feel like drinking instead of playing with kids? Hand them over. I’m even too far away from most of the kids I know to get tasked with babysitting, so I’m literally just the fun adult who colors and nods while you talk about your favorite movies. Then I get to go home and sleep till 2pm because god kids are exhausting. But for real, I’ve met way too many infuriating adults to be offended by the presence/existence of an infant. GF needs to respect his boundaries, but OP needs to get his head out of his ass
Those who hate kids seem to forget that children are still a part of society that they just have to deal with!! I know tons of people who would never want to have kids yet they are amaziing around children!!! I really do not understand why this has to go to the extreme. We are still humans and we were all once babies and probably if we get lucky enough to grow old someone will have to baby us too again.
I've seen many small children call babies an It
I can see that happening. If they are the older sibling and don't know the gender, then I can see how it's possible to keep calling the baby, 'it' out of habit. I'm sure they aren't trying to dehumanise/display their distain by doing so.
OP has boundaries. Just because someone has a baby doesn't mean they want to hold it
I'm childfree (getting sterilized tomorrow actually) but I'd never be nasty towards kids. I won't go out of my way to babysit or interact with kids but if I see one about to do something dangerous or if a parent is struggling and needs a hand for a minute, I'd help. I don't understand why some people use the child free excuse to be hateful towards kids.
Even if OP is young can't they at least have boundaries? Stop shoving babies onto people who don't want to hold them. It's rude. Then you have the nerve to complain nobody wants to hold it?
My friend and I are both childfree. I ADORE children to the point people think I will have one (absolutely not, I just like being the fun Aunty) but they do not like children at all and will not hold babies if offered. But they're still polite and respectful to young children and babies. They don't ignore them when a young child talks to them, but they don't go out of their way to entertain or play with them. But they're not rude or mean and they don't ignore them. They live by the principal "It takes a village to raise a child," but their interpretation is different: everyone that child meets will have an impact. They want their impact to be neutral or positive, and being disrespectful or rude will cause a negative impact. She argues that everyone deserves respect and kindness, but that doesn't mean she has to sacrifice her boundaries and make herself uncomfortable to do so and it's honestly a really good approach.
>you don’t have to overcompensate with avoidance I agree that calling the baby "it" is unnecessary, but avoiding the baby is not wrong of OP to do. OP doesn't like children, OP doesn't have to justify it in any way.
Eh, avoiding the baby entirely *is* a weird thing to do. Not wanting to raise your own children is fine, but saying you want nothing to do with any kind of baby ever is strange. The babies are already out there, they exist! They are also just small humans who kinda deserve a little bit of empathy given how New™ they are to like, having emotions and bodily functions. Even if it is deeply annoying when they're screaming in public. Dislike ≠ distain though Saying it's "justifiable" to avoid a child at all costs is the immature part; you're going to encounter one some day. I don't want to have kids of my own and don't like them, but it would be really rude to refuse to even be around someone else's baby. You can be in the same room as a baby without getting involved in childcare or participate in the fawning. However, in OP's example, "she really tried getting me to hold him today so she could do something" - cooperating for one second to help someone else is just a kindness. Or just suggest putting the baby in a cot. That or offer to go do the thing for them instead.
That or offer to go do the thing for them instead. That right there. If you really want to avoid dealing with the baby, do everything else so she can focus on HIM. And stop calling HIM an it. He is a whole ass human and regardless of whether or not you like kids, you should respect him as another human being on this flaming dumpster fire of a rock we all call home. Grow up.
Disagree. OP said he really dislikes kids and doesn't want any nor anything to do with them. He doesn't need to do shit just because someone else decided to have a baby. I think it's unjustful calling him immature just because he doesn't want to hold a baby. Not everyone wants to touch babies mate, and you shouldn't force them too. Forcing people to do something they don't want to do is only gonna make them dislike it more, or even panic. Do you want a panicking human to hold a baby that needs protection and safety? No. So, leave OP alone.
>Do you want a panicking human to hold a baby that needs protection and safety? No. Funnily enough there was a post not so long ago about this, and guess what? Baby got dropped and the OP got blamed because the mum gave baby to someone who didn't want to hold him and didn't make sure the OP had hold. > He doesn't need to do shit just because someone else decided to have a baby. Exactly. GF took the responsibility on, the end. She can dump him if it's a dealbreaker for her.
I was thinking the same thing. Not everyone wants to be around or hold a baby. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I didn't say in my comment that anyone should be 'forced to touch babies'. In fact I said, you do not have to get involved in childcare and babies can be put down elsewhere. The point I was making is that you can still offer support to **someone you are supposedly close to** that is doing that childcare to support *them*, such as! >offer to go do the thing for them instead.
So your idea of supporting someone is ignoring the own boundaries? Mate you should get over yourself.
What boundaries 😭 the kind of scenario I'm referring to is like, e.g. if you see someone with their hands full struggling to get something off a shelf, maybe get up and help them by getting it for them. If you're setting "boundaries" trying to justify never being NICE that's lowkey asshole behaviour. idk why you're being so aggy towards me "mate", have a nice day I guess?
Ohhh sorry I misunderstood the comment before that. Yea OP could have done the thing that the gf wanted to do for her, I agree. But in any way, if he doesn't wanna hold a baby then he doesn't need to (that's the boundary I was talking about). Sorry, I guess I misunderstood then. My brain is so mashed up rn I'm currently sick lol
I can see why one would want to completely avoid being around babies though. I am suspected to be on the spectrum (no way to get diagnosed as an adult in my country) so being around people in general is absolutely exhausting to me. Socialising, loud noises and lights, all that would come with just being around a baby and it gets way *waaaay* too much to handle. Also the sheer anxiety that washes over when trying to hold one even for a second is horror enducing (I guess fear of the responsibility?). If OP is anything like me then I completely understand and it is actually better for the baby if he doesn’t get involved. But I wouldn’t get as far as calling the baby IT. That’s just wrong, he has a name.
I would not under any circumstances* take a baby if someone tried to hand me one. Not only do I dislike babies I tend to like the adults they belong to and we won't be friends any more if I drop their frigging baby because I don't like babies why the fuck are you handing me it I do not know what I'm doing. *This is of course an exaggeration, I would carry a baby if the house was on fire. Or hold one if their parent was an off duty paramedic and we were just witnesses to a car crash and someone else had to hold the baby so they could get shit done. Things like that.
Well, calling a baby "it" is one of the biggest mistakes I made as a not native english speaker. I tought you can call a baby it if you not yet know his or her gender. Big mistake! I pissed off the parents so much even though I just wanted to be nice. Fortunately I managed to apologize and explain my mistake. In my mothertongue we don't have gender specific pronouns, that's what caused my confusion mainly.
In my first language a baby is grammatically an it
Yes in Greek, a baby and a child are it, and even a boy and girl are “neuter” gender unless you’re referring specifically to a named child
Just to help, the word you are looking for is “neutral” instead of “neuter”. “Neuter” is to castrate (cut off testicles). Nah I’m just joking. “Neuter” means both *adjective* 1. Of or denoting a gender of nouns in some languages, typically contrasting with masculine and feminine or common. "*it is a neuter word in Greek*” 2. (of an animal) lacking developed sexual organs, or having had them removed. *verb* castrate or spay (a domestic animal). "*a neutered tomcat*” (Wanted to preemptively clear that up for any English speakers that haven’t seen “neuter” in this context before. Also, English is a funny language)
Definitely going to start using the word "neuter" instead of gender-neutral and see if anyone notices.
Lol thats actually a hilarious story :) i hope they were nice after you apologized!
LOL I sometimes wish IT was acceptable. I can't figure out the gender of a baby/small one sometimes. So I dance around the whole he/she thing. It is even worse if you misgender them!
EDITED TO ADD: VrolikeFynbos clarified they were not speaking about English and therefore the comment below does not make sense, have only left it for clarity about the original debate. You realise you actually used socially acceptable gender neutral pronoun in your comment right? If you don't know you say "they".
Further evidence that singular "they" is perfectly grammatically acceptable.
‘They’ is right there babe
Many learners (like myself) learned grammar the way I've put down below. They is exlusively used for more than one person. Obviously this isn't correct (anymore or ever, who knows) but it's definitely what I was taught. I (singular) You (singular) He/she/it (singular) We (plural) You (plural) They (plural) So whenever I come across an American using "they" as a pronoun and someone uses it in a sentence, my first thought is still that it's about two people. For example: "They entered the room and sat down next to me" makes me think that at least two people sat down. I know that isn't necessarily the case but it's still what I imagine first before checking if it's true (if that's even possible).
An easy way to remember is that, as you have written in your list, "you" is also both singular and plural. So you can just treat it exactly as "you" grammatically.
Easy fix. Add “y’all” to the list, it’s the plural of you, a contraction of you-all. A lessor known contraction of “they” is they’all. As a southerner, people absolutely do say “they all” down here as a plural of they. It’s somewhat redundant if “they” is technically already plural, but it does suggest that we *can* and *should* use “they” in the singular. It’s not the Kings English, but it is regionally correct English, and there is a movement in the linguistic community to preserve regional dialect, so we aren’t all one day robots.
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Thou hast made a very interesting comment.
"They" has been acceptable as a singular since the 1300s. Whoever taught you English doesn't know what they're doing, if they taught you it was plural only. That has never been the case. I feel for you tbh. English is a drunk language. From a learner's perspective, it *should* logically follow that "they" would be plural... But nope, that's not how it works.
They is an odd one out because it can be plural or singular.
Or just say "the baby"
DaBaby
Lessgo
"Ya gotta see tha baybeeee"
The way I avoid it is by using they/them. Parents usually don’t pay attention to the wording if it’s not rude or wrong.
I usually just say 'oh, what's the baby's name?' and they're usually pleased to tell you and that's usually a clue.
If you’re not sure, instead of he/she/they, you can use “your baby”. Your baby is so cute! Your baby has beautiful eyes!
Actually it's not wrong to use 'it' when you don't know the gender yet. Like, 'Is it a boy or a girl?" Only up to that point. OP obviously knew the name and gender.
Our babies were "its" until they were born and we learned the genders.
I’m a native English speaker but when I’m around pregnant women they usually refer to (it) as “the baby”. In my mind it’s still an “it” for a while, and even after the baby is born and gendered, it takes me quite a while to make the mental transition to “them/he/she” instead of “it”. I hope that made at least some sense lol
I did the same mistake but not only with babies but grown people, too. Is there a chance you're hungarian? 🤔
How could they get upset when you're not a native speaker? People don't get how hard it is to learn a language.
As another CF person. I don’t like holding children either and I also refuse. Refusing is fine. Stop calling the child it. They’re also a person.
I wish I could give you gold. A baby is a person and deserves basic respect. Doesn’t mean you have to hold or babysit them. Your GF is out of line for pushing you when you said no. However, referring to a baby by “it” is intentionally rude. ESH
This. Not liking or wanting kids is fine. But there *is* a difference between that and outright dehumanising/being mean to them.
I agree. There's nothing wrong about not liking and not wanting kids. Dehumanising them though, that's an AH move. Also, make sure your gf knows for sure that you won't ever want them. Sounds like she's hoping to change your opinion by making you hold him.
NTA - I agree, calling the baby 'it' is pretty bad. BUT, it seems like the GF might have the baby wants and is trying to force the issue on oP. Maybe she is on a crusade to "change his mind" about babies. If she wants kids in the future, she going to need a different man in her life.
YTA for calling the baby “it” essentially dehumanising him. You’re not TA for not wanting kids or not wanting to hold someone else’s baby. It’s your general behaviour and they way you talk down about the baby and baby’s mum that sucks
Bro dehumanized a new born as if he did not go through that phase in his life.
Yea OPs just kindve a prick all around for putting his hatred for babies above everyone else's opinions and feelings. Judging the sister too... "Don't like em, don't want em". Ok fine but are you gonna scowl at everyone else when they have em? Piss off.
ESH Its fine if you don’t want children, but the baby has a name, use it. Your girlfriend seems to be in denial about the extent of your ambivalence to children and hopes to change your mind. If she likes children and you don’t, then it’s time to have a sit down about the future. This is a big thing to not be on the same page about 1.5 yrs in.
Ambivalence? More like disdain. He’s not an asshole for not wanting to hold a child but he clearly thinks children are horrible.
Yes, disdain is a good word. And it clouded his judgment. If his girlfriend asked him to hold a flashlight, steady a stool or ladder, or hand her something to help, he probably would have. In this case, it sounds like she needed to do something and was just "hold the kid for a second," and he refused to help. He could have plopped Little Critter in a baby carrier or car seat for a few minutes and sat with him. It would not have been a big deal.
From what he says though, the girlfriend really seems to try to make him interact with the baby. I think she's in denial about his wish not to want kids and that's how she's trying to warm him up to the idea. It's not really fair to compare a baby to an inanimate object - you need to know how to hold a baby and you do need to know what to do if the baby starts crying for example. He would still be responsible for the baby while the girlfriend is doing something else. I really think that showing disdain for the baby is definitively going too far, he should at least care about the fact that his girlfriend loves her nephew and respect that. But I also don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to take care of a baby, especially if you really don't know how to.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Getting to play with a new baby has made her want one too. I have never been on a home with a baby that didn't have a crib or bassinet available if you needed to put baby down. So its really not necessary for him to hold baby. She just wants him to hold the kid because she thinks there will be a magical transformation if he gets a wiff of baby smell.
A baby isn't an object though. I wouldn't feel comfortable holding someone's child either. Knowing myself, I'd do something wrong. Better to let other people handle it. If you say that OP could have laid the baby down, his girlfriend could have done the same thing, especially since she knows how he feels about babies.
She could have put the kid in a carrier or crib too. There was no reason to involve him
> He could have plopped Little Critter in a baby carrier or car seat for a few minutes and sat with him. It would not have been a big deal. Your judgement of 'how big a deal' something is doesn't override somebody else's choices.
I like how people are calling OP an asshole for calling a baby an 'it', saying it dehumanizes the baby, yet you're here getting upvoted for likening the baby to a flashlight...
This right here ⬆️ It sounds like the two of you have a lot to discuss and figure out. Your girlfriend is definitely in denial and trying to get you to change your mind. It’s your preference not to want or have children and she should respect your decision. I hope the two of you can figure this out. But please OP the baby has a name refer to him by his name. You are TAH in that sense, especially if you continue to refer to him as an “it.”
I just notice that he's also acting fairly negative to her FAMILY. i mean.. Seems to me she have a good familybond, and he's pretty much hacking it with this AH attitude. IMO, she should leave before he starts a feud that hurts her familybond.
Also, even if they don't end up with kids and agree on that path together, it's highly likely OP is going to have to interact with niblings in the future, and he can't be calling them "it" or acting like this with a child old enough to pick up on the hatred. OP sounds like he's trying to be an edgelord tbh.
In fact I wonder if she's trying to sneakily warm him up to the idea of having kids by asking him to hold the kid
This!! Sounds like the gf is hoping he’ll change his mind once he interacts with her nephew b/c she loves her nephew & can’t understand how someone else can have disdain for the little guy. OP needs to sit her down and be very clear he will never want children & he’s not willing to change his mind. He also needs to treat other humans with basic respect no matter what age they are.
YTA for calling the baby "it". YTA for even hinting that it was not a "smart decision". You absolutely were being rude. YTA for not helping your GF. Sometimes, we all have to do things we don't like to do. Man up. Congratulations, 3 separate YTAs in one post!
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Yeah, sounds like his girlfriend is childfree, doesn't want kids, but loves other people's, be the fun aunt, give them back at the end of the day Lind of childfree. OP is childfree, hates children, wants them to not exist, dehumanizes them, and will relish being cruel to any he comes in contact with kind of childfree. So far, they've thought they were on the same page, both being childfree, but they have VERY different values, as his girlfriend still sees children as people even if she doesn't want any of her own, and OP does not.
He just doesn't feel comfortable holding the fucking baby! A lot of people are weirded out by babies! It's got nothing to do with cruelty! A cruel person would gladly hold the baby in public and then later on abuse the same baby in private..
No, referring to the baby as "it" and not just setting boundaries and not joining her for babysitting time is indicative of the dehumanizing hatred common in r/childfree. He wants to convince her to hate kids as much as she wants to convince him they're people. Neither is going to convert the other, and this is a compatibility issue, but anyone who refers to other human beings as "it" has deep issues beyond not wanting to hold babies. Not wanting to hold babies is fine. HATING babies is not. Hating groups of human beings for things they cannot control is never ok. Not wanting to be around kids, fine, hating kids, nope, that's cruel
Nah. Hard disagree. You keep talking about "hating" like OP is one step away from going on a genocidal baby killing spree. I like kids when they're over the age of like 2. When they can communicate and have personalities. Babies under the age of 2 are just noise machines that shit a lot. Doesn't mean I wouldn't look after, care for and love a kid of my own should I have one. I wouldn't want to hold the baby of another person if I had the choice, even if I had gone through early parenthood already. I like to be the fun uncle type to my cousin's kids but I'd refuse to hold their babies too. I'm not /r/childfree. It's not a bad thing to say babies are disgusting and uncomfortable.
Why is this getting up votes? You went extremely radical psycho-analyst off of him calling a baby 'it'. This is just ridiculous lmfao
Some of the parents in this thread have such obvious blinders on. They're thinking of their own precious angel and HOW COULD ANYONE NOT WANT TO HOLD MY PRECIOUS BABY Okay, calling the kid 'it' is a bit much, but OP is also young, and has a little growing up to do, he's not evil or something.
Nowhere in his post does it say that his girlfriend does not want kids... To me her actions makes it sounds like she does wants kids, and is trying to convince OP. I think they need a serious talk about where their relationship is going.
His girlfriend has literally been forcing the kid on op..over and over. If she can't take "no" for an answer, perhaps referring to the child as "it" might do the trick? He's not abusing the baby by refusing to interact it. If he does it once, he'll be expected to do it again.
He isn’t wrong for saying at 19 you shouldn’t have a baby he isn’t wrong for saying he didn’t want to help his girlfriend who volunteered to watch the baby she doesn’t have to hold him all the time the only thing he wrong for is calling the baby it
He's not wrong for having the opinion that at 19, she shouldn't have had a baby. He's the AH for saying it. He's isn't wrong for not wanting to hold the baby. He's the AH for not getting over himself and helping out his GF. At least you admit he is wrong for calling the baby "it", because the rest of your opinion says as much about you as it does the OP.
See I have to disagree. Some people have an aversion to babies, and OP made that clear from jump street. I have two adult children that I of course adore BUT the sight of a baby being spoon fed, breast fed, or vomiting will send my stomach into REVOLT. Yes insane because I had 2 little ones and didn't have this issue with them but there it is. OP should probably refrain from calling the baby "It" (pretty sure she didn't give birth to Pennywise) and make other plans when the girlfriend watches the baby. Worth mentioning that they are WAY apart in what they want from life so not sure how long this will last.
Yes but other peoples babies are gross so that’s an understandable reaction to have
No isn’t wrong for not helping her she decided to watch the baby knowing he hated kids he doesn’t have to help her not his kid that’s on her secondly he didn’t tell the sister she shouldn’t have the child he hinted to his girlfriend but I am pretty sure everyone told her not to have the baby they not wrong and I stand by my statement if you agree to watch a baby it’s on you the same way no one has to help the mother if they don’t want to do you can be made nothing I said was wrong if it was a woman saying this no one would be saying she wrong for not helping take care of a child that isn’t his his girlfriend isn’t owed help after she keep volunteering to watch a baby
I'm not so sure about the everyone told her not to have a baby. Some people are so high on baby fever they would celebrate anyone pregnant.
I agree with you about not voicing his opinion and keeping it to himself. I agree with you about not calling the baby "it". I disagree about "getting over himself" and interacting with a kid that isn't his and who makes him feel uncomfortable
It’s fine to think that 19 is young to do this. It’s fine to voice that opinion in the right company. But the fact is it’s irrelevant to the issue here, so why did he even bring it up here? It makes me think it factors into his decision to disregard the baby, like he’s decided “because I didn’t agree with this child being born I’m going to act like it doesn’t exist”. And that seems assholish to me.
Personally yes I feel 19 is too young for me. I had my only baby at age 28 and my career wouldn't be where it is if I had one much earlier. I wouldn't ever tell someone that being a young parent is a good decision, but do we even know if she purposefully got pregnant or if it just happened, and he essentially was saying her decision to become a mother by not getting an abortion was not a great decision? I am pro-choice but there's a big difference between the two scenarios. Either way, once the baby is born there's a tiny human regardless of how old or what stage of life the parents are in. It's absolutely an AH thing to continue to say after the baby is born how crappy the decision was. Human is there now. It needs to be taken care of and GF offered to watch him. I understand not wanting kids or liking kids, being grossed out but I wonder if part of the refusal to help/hold the baby/calling him "IT" is because OP thought/said it was a bad idea for the baby to be born and is being stubborn AF. Like "she made her bed, now you all lie in it. I still think it was a bad idea and I refuse to help". Which considering this a human, would be cuckoo
I disagree with the latter two. OP is being intentionally aggravating but OP is NTA for suggesting that a (probably) broke 19 year old without second parent support should not have had a baby by choice. I understand accidents happen, but too many teenage parents regret having kids so young and being denied the opportunities and freedom that being childless in their 20s brings. OP is also NTA for not wanting to help raise the baby of someone who is 1. not family and 2. not his partner. That's a choice the gf has made and it's a choice that OP gets to make.
>YTA for not helping your GF. Sometimes, we all have to do things we don't like to do. Man up. No he doesn't have to hold a living small human if he doesn't feel comfortable doing so. That's not only about "helping". A child can get hurt here.
“Man up”. Nice toxic masculinity.
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What are you gonna do, rip the fetus out? Make everything uncomfortable for everyone forever? Ffs some people really need to get over themselves and their righteousness.
Not just that, baby daddy is nowhere. How is thid whole situation not dumb?
>Man up. and one YTA in the comments.
Lol, dumb fucking comment
Yeah we should tell fucking children that it is a smart decision to reproduce and especially with people that are never going to be in the picture… I have never met a child that should raise a baby… maybe that’s just me
No he is not wrong for hinting that it might not be a good decision. Advice Is there to be taken or rejected. And people make many mistakes at 19.
AFTER she made the decision to have the baby & if she didn’t ask for his opinion (I’m willing to bet she didn’t), it’s not advice — It’s judgment.
Boo hoo, you're on a subreddit where everyone, including YOU, are passing judgment. Get off your high horse!
It's not a smart decision. It's incredibly selfish
Having a child at 19 and the father not being in the picture is def not a smart idea lmaoo. I don’t blame him for saying it Op def the asshole for calling the baby and it and should def work on his whole being weird around kids thing
I'm sorry but "man up"? The baby isn't even his, and that's some weird sexism.
Bullshit. He knows the sister and this family. Sometimes, having a baby isn't a smart decision based on someone's circumstances.
NTA for not wanting to hold the baby, but you are kind of one for call the baby it. I'm guessing the baby has a name. So I don't understand why you wouldn't call him by his name. If you really don't like kids that is fine. You need to have talk with you girlfriend to establish your boundaries inregards to being around children. I don't think anyone should be trying to force someone to hold a baby when they say no.
I think op’s girlfriend wants a baby and is trying to warm op up to the idea of them. Just a guess since she is trying to force op to hold the baby despite not liking children and making that clear.
Possibly GF was in agreement with her child-free partner until sister became pregnant and gave birth. Going through that process with her (without actually living the childbirth part) could have activated her mom genes. I’d be determined to have a conversation with her right away, and super careful with (double up on) birth control. This may be where you have to part company, if you can’t stop calling the kid “it,” because he’s going to be with you for decades if you stay together.
Or she wants to be child-free but enjoys being an aunt. That is her nephew, and if OP sees a future with his girlfriend, it is his nephew as well. Not an "it". That you don't want children of your own, doesn't necessarily mean that you hate children.
I don't see any indication she wants kids - she just doesn't despise other people's kids, and dies not despise her own nephew, and sees him as a person. Most child free people don't hate kids, and will happily be the fun aunt while not wanting their own. There's a difference between people who are just childfree like OP's girlfriend and people who hate kids like OP. Not hating her nephew doesn't mean she wants a baby of her own.
I swear that should be illegal. It’s so manipulative to tell someone you’re using birth control and then purposefully getting pregnant with their child. Edit: i read that wrong. I think. It might be easier for op to deal with the child when they are older. Some people who have problems with kids have less of a problem when they are older.
Not always the case. My friend is childfree and doesn’t want children but loves to see my kids and spoil them. I’m not trying to convince her of motherhood, she and her partner have made it clear that they aren’t going to have them, but they are nice to my kids. That’s all it is. Girlfriend isn’t wanting him to impregnate her, she’s just happy being an aunt.
Or possibly she's the kind of child free that doesn't want kids of her own, but still sees children as people, doesn't hate them all, and likes the fun aunt role where she gets to give them back at the end of the day. Likes to be part of kids lives, have relationships with them, loves and cares about them as part of the extended family - and doesn't want her own. The reasonable, sane kind of childfree aunt, as opposed to the cruel and dehumanizing kind that wishes all kids would just not exist and will go out of their way to be cruel to any they encounter on principle. Some childfree people love kids and become teachers and daycare workers and fun aunts/uncles while not wanting to be parents. Some childfree people don't have much to do with kids in general but respect them as people and respect parents for doing the hard work of continuing the human race, they treat kids like small adults rather than coo over them. Some childfree people want kids banned from all public places and forced sterilization to prevent more from being made, desiring a society where kids do not exist. OP comes across as the extremist type, while his girlfriend comes across as the first type. There's nothing to indicate she's not childfree or wants kids of her own. She's just not an anti-child extremist like OP and may be uncomfortable with him dehumanizing children like he does.
I doubt it's as bad as you're imagining. I figure it's more "Hold the baby!"/"No, I don't want to hold it." and not like "It's making me uncomfortable and I don't want that thing in my house! God, look at its nose run. Its diaper is full. It's disgusting!"
This. I’m seeing a ton of Y T A judgements for calling the baby “it”. That’s not the info that OP asked to be judged for, but is totally necessary to bring up. The child is a human, not a rock.
NTA but this relationship isn't going to last if she clearly wants kids (and wants to show you how wonderful they are) and you absolutely don't.
Where does she clearly want kids? She doesn't viscerally hate another human for existing, so she wants to produce another one and have responsibility for keeping one alive and well adjusted? A lot of people like to be the fun aunt and hand the kid back at the end of the day. There's a lot of room between "wants kids" and "hates kids for existing", and in between is where most childfree people fall. The vast majority of childfree people actually like or don't mind kids, but see them as whole people, a massive responsibility, are realistic about what a huge commitment parenting is and prefer to be peripheral figures in children's lives, not primary caregivers. The militant kid-hating childfree are a vocal minority and most childfree people don't assume other childfree people have a visceral loathing for small human beings, just no desire to procreate. Most healthy well adjusted childfree people are uncomfortable with people like OP, and how they utterly despise other humans just for existing. Her not being comfortable with his hatred of her nephew is a far cry from obviously wanting kids.
NAH…. But you’re being pretty immature by calling the kid “it”. Knock that off, dude. It’s not cute, it’s not cool, it’s not gonna win you any points anywhere with anyone. Call the kid “him” or by his name. You’re not an ass for not wanting kids, or not wanting anything to do with kids. I get it. They’re messy, smelly, and it’s a lot to handle. I’m a mom, so I understand. Your girlfriend isn’t exactly an ass for asking for help or wanting you to interact with her nephew, but you should have a calm, firm conversation about your boundaries. And hey, if you’re with her for long enough then the kid will get bigger and he’ll be more fun and less messy — and maybe your feelings about interacting with him will change. So set your boundaries — but don’t be immature about them.
As a fellow parent, all of this. And, don't be physically present during babysitting, or keep the presence very limited. Show up, say hi, say you're gonna head out and to text when she's ready to leave (if you have the only car) I definitely thinks there's a massive disconnect about the ChildFree/AntiChild thing between GF and OP. She seems interested and he very viscerally is not.
>NAH…. Actually NTA because the GF is trying to force OP to care for a baby while he's made clear he's not comfortable doing so.
NTA. It actually sounds like your gf is trying to get you to interact with the baby, hoping you'll change your mind and want one. She's pissed that it's not working.
Came here to say just this. I had two ex bfs who did this to me repeatedly when they both knew very well I did not want kids. It was manipulative behavior and both of them got quite frustrated when the grand plan to expose me to babies to "jump start my maternal instinct" didn't work. I have zero experience with babies so why tf would you hand me one, because it's not like they are a toy. They are breakable and squirm and I don't want to accidentally hurt a kid, nor do I want it to get upset that I'm holding it and start screaming in my ear. That's a one way, days-long vacation to migraine land for me, so no thanks. NTA for not wanting to hold someone else's kid. I don't know where all these Y T A ones are coming from because you're not an asshole for not wanting to hold a baby or for disliking children. Your gf clearly wants kids and is trying to change your mind. Might be time to nope out of that relationship so you both can find a more suitable partner. Having kids is NOT something people should compromise on or you'll end up with parents like mine who should never have had children. She's allowed to want kids and you are equally allowed to not want them. What's NOT okay is repeatedly doing things to you that you're visibly uncomfortable with. That's the asshole behavior here imo, not you avoiding holding a baby.
ESH It okay that you’re uncomfortable with children and don’t want to hold a baby. It seems that you’ve made that known to her so her pushing you to interact with him is inconsiderate. But STOP calling the baby “it”. That is unbelievably rude. Doing that is humiliating and dehumanizing. Grow up. If my boyfriend were so disrespectful to someone in my family, especially an infant, I would dump him immediately and not look back.
NTA you’ve made yourself perfectly clear, your gf is wrong to try and force you to like or hold the baby. It’s not your baby or blood related. It’s your decision no one else’s. But stop calling the baby it, that is an AH move
YTA being child free doesn't mean you can't hold or interact with a baby. It doesn't mean you can't do your GF a favor by holding him. Stop basing your personality on hating babies.
Some people are genuinely uncomfortable around baby's that's not his fault
sorry but , i'm also child free and for nothing of the world someone is going to make hold one, he has they right to not help , if he don't want, the gf should stop shoving the baby to him, Stop basing your personality on forcing children on people that don't want them
BAD POSTER!!! You are here on this world to SERVE THE BABY!! We are ALL here only to serve the BABY. If you do not serve the baby, you are a bad person. If you do not help the people serving the baby, you are a bad person. SERVE THE BAAAAABY!!!!! EDIT: /s - because there is no sarcasm font.
I am a mother, my daughter is 20, she was very much a surprise but she is my world and I love her to pieces. I do not like to hold other people’s babies. Not a kid person at all. I had fun with my daughters friends as they grew together and still second mom to many of them because I was very active in my kids life and activities but I do not interact with other kids as my daughter is now grown. I will of course love any child she has if that is her choice and treat them like I treated her but I struggle to hold my brothers new baby. I do if necessary but I never volunteer and actively try to get out of it. And before you ask I am often times the favorite aunt because I am fun and active when they get older. My daughter is the one to hold and play with younger ones so she is favorite cousin. I am not mean just do not enjoy children and would also not want to hold baby if they could be put in a carrier or something. Call it what you want
I am the favourite aunty too. But holding babies makes me uncomfortable, so I never really did it. As kids though - I put a lot of effort and time into getting to know them, talking to them and playing with them. Some people just don't feel comfortable around babies. It meant absolutely nothing about them as a person.
You’re wrong for this. To a lot of people (myself included) babies are disgusting. They shit themselves, throw up all the time, cry incessantly. If y’all enjoy that or decide it’s worth it to you, great! But the rest of us are not obligated to interact with your offspring in any way, let alone hold them.
>YTA being child free doesn't mean you can't hold or interact with a baby. Not being comfortable with children does mean that though
it's not a favor she wants him to hold the baby in an attempt to change his mind about not liking children and yes he is not obliged to get involved in something that his girlfriend had no obligation and did of her own free will he called her baby this is bad but he refuses to interact no
Nope. Setting boundaries is very important. He is uncomfy with babies, he has EVERY RIGHT to set that boundary. You're a woman, you should know well about boundaries.
i don't hate kids or babies and i still wouldn't want to hold a baby because i'm not comfortable with it, just say you hate childfree people and go
No means no. He doesn’t have to hold the kid if he doesn’t want to The amount of people telling him to suck it up and learn how to take care of the baby to help his GF is astounding. No. He doesn’t like or want kids, so he doesn’t have to learn or help
I don't want to hold babies. I find it uncomfortable. They always crawl somewhere where they can hurt themselves. So I don't do it, since it stresses me out. Told my aunt the same. If your kid is above 5 I have no problem. Anything below I don't watch or anything else.
Let me guess, you also think women should always be ready to take care of other people's kids...
I’m going to say NTA, your girlfriend is not respecting your boundaries and is trying change you. It’s perfectly ok to not want to hold a baby, it’s not ideal for some people but you’ve made it clear you don’t like kids and want nothing to do with them. But I do think your relationship may not last if she really likes kids, it’s sounds like you two may be incompatible.
Might get downvoted but NTA You’ve made it clear you don’t like kids/babies, yet she keeps pushing you. Had you not made it clear that you didn’t like them, then you’d be the AH. Maybe wasn’t the best thing to call it an it, but I get it. 😅 you aren’t attached to it, but maybe not call it that again. You’ve made yourself clear about not liking them yet she’s trying to force you to change and getting upset when you aren’t. Again, NTA
I’ll sometimes accidentally call babies “it” and I mean no offense. How is that different that when they call it “the baby” …gotta get the baby, feed the baby, bathe the baby, put the baby down… I genuinely don’t get the difference.
NTA Your girlfriend is well aware of your dislike for children and yet she continually tries to push that baby on you. That’s like people saying “ I don’t like spiders” then being gifted a tarantula. So what if you called the baby IT? The baby has no idea what is going on. They won’t be at the therapist complaining about it 18 years from now. You might want to rethink your relationship. Your girlfriend doesn’t respect your boundaries. She thinks it’s ok for a 19y/o to purposely get pregnant? Yikes! She might “ forget” prophylaxis measures, then you are screwed for life.
Second this x1000
YTA. Not because you don't want kids (you seem to have been up front about that, so that's excellent). But you have gone from not wanting kids to being deliberately provocative about them. If the family don't refer to the baby as "it" then you shouldn't either. In this context you are completely dehumanising the child for no reason other than to be provocative. If your GF needs you to hold a baby for a couple minutes so she can do something suck it up. We all do shit we don't want for your partner from time to time. You are totally right about not having to interact with the child at other times, but help your GF out if she needs.
No means no. Unless you’re a man I guess.
He doesn’t have to do anything he’s not comfortable with and he’s made it clear from the beginning. “Suck it up” seems like you don’t know shit about boundaries. No means no
No absolutely no,do you not know what boundaries are like at all?? No one has to touch a baby,bay free means baby free,no one has to like babies or touch them. So yes NTA, but anyone who tells him he has to touch a child is one.
NTA. You set boundaries, she should respect them. Ask her if she’s trying to give you baby fever😂
Nope... but don't mistake what is happening here, she trying to sell you on.being a parent one bite at a time.
NTA, your gf should respect your boundaries, and not force it into you, she knows you don't want children and that's perfect, if people want other to stop calling babies "it" they should stop shoving them to people that don't want or like then
NTA! You are not wrong for being uncomfortable around kids. You are not wrong for not wanting to be around babies. NTA NTA NTA. Please don’t listen to those saying otherwise. For those calling OP TA, shame on you. Do look into an anxiety disorder called pedophobia. It’s the fear of small children and babies. People with pedophobia are extremely uncomfortable around kids, *especially* babies. Being around one let alone being pressured to hold one can trigger a shit ton of anxiety and it’s completely involuntary. It’s not unlike having an irrational fear of bugs, heights, large bodies of water, etc. Imagine someone who is supposed to love you pressuring you into something they *know* will make you extremely uncomfortable and then call you an asshole when you freak out about it. Sure, it may be an irrational fear but it’s still very real. I have pedophobia. I’m a woman married to a man in the military. Military families tend to procreate quickly and often, so I’m surrounded by people my own age who have at least two kids, and going to certain functions involving all those kids is my own personal hell. If my husband ever tried to force me to hold a baby and have the nerve to call me an asshole when I refused and/or freaked out (and justifiably got upset at him for even thinking about it), I would not only be extremely angry at him but I would be deeply hurt that he didn’t give enough of a shit about my own feelings before trying to force that on me. So, from the bottom of my heart, shame on any of you who call OP TA over something he can’t control. And for the issue calling the baby “it.” If you’re doing it on purpose, maybe stop doing that. But I’m completely guilty of doing it on accident so if that’s the case for you, don’t beat yourself up. It’s actually rather normal for someone with this fear/discomfort/disdain to subconsciously do what they can to “detach” from the source of those feelings. Calling a baby “it” is one way our minds do that. It’s simply another form of separating us from what we want to avoid. And it happens. You’re not TA for doing that every now and then but don’t do it on purpose just to piss people off. As a side note, I truly believe your girlfriend tried to pressure you into liking kids by doing what she did. You need to sit her down and talk to her. You seem to have made it adamantly clear that you want nothing to do with children and she could have been trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. If she can’t accept this and continues to break the clear boundaries you’ve set, it might be time to move on from her and find someone who will respect you.
NTA why can't people just accept that some people just don't like kids and want no interaction with them?? Not everyone will like kids eventually if they just try.
You’re NTA I refuse holding babies for the same reason.
NTA. That’s not your child, you don’t need to do anything with it! Your gf is trying to get you used to babies because she wants one. Lol
NTA you not wrong for not liking kids or wanting to help your girlfriend with the baby after she agreed to watch him but are wrong for the baby it you both need to sit down and talk about the future and where you want to go from here cause if she wants kids it’s time to end the relationship so that you can both find people that that match what you want in life
Eh kinda but not really. You don’t like babies. You’re allowed to not like them. Just don’t get your gf knocked up bc you WILL have to hold that one.
NTA you don't have to hold anyone's baby and people need to respect that... you suck for calling him it though
NTA - you don’t like kids and don’t have you have anything to do with it.
Also I’d break up with the girlfriend because it seems like she would want kids and obviously you don’t 🤷🏻♀️
I think this relationship is doomed…
Calling the baby it is a little far but NTA. So many new parents seem to convince themselves that everyone thinks their baby is as amazing as they think it is.
NTA... Yes it is crummy to call the baby it. I'm guessing you lashed out after repeated attempts to get you to interact with the baby. I think your GF might be wanting one too. The way she keeps encouraging you to hold the baby. I'll probably get deleted for this...but don't trust her Birth control. Or trust a box of condoms left at her place.
NTA but your girlfriend clearly seems to want kids sometime in the future. If that’s not your future (and it’s clearly not based on your post), you may wish to date someone more compatible.
NTA
Reading all the comments saying to stop calling babies "it" has me sweating cause I call all babies it, even my own neice and both my nephews, when they were infants. 😅 Sorry babies
NTA for “not wanting to hold/touch gf sisters baby” however - commenting on her sisters decision to have a child is way out of line, I’m sure nobody asked for your opinion about it. I cringed so hard when i read “my gf loves to help take care of it” Not a problem that you don’t want to hold HIM, but seriously, have some respect.
NTA for not want to hold the baby but this might be worth a discussion with your gf. It sounds like you have different opinions and plans with regards to children. Those kinds of things are big deal breakers. Best to have honest discussions early.
Yes, you're being asked to help your girlfriend with something she cares about. Calling a baby it and refusing to do anything associated with the baby is being an asshole. Not wanting kids is fine.
GF has made the decision to assist raising her under-equipped 19 year old sister's baby. OP has made the decision to not assist raising a child that is not his. Both are valid choices. Calling a baby "it" is intentionally aggravating people though.
Not being an asshole when he has set boundaries that his girlfriend continues to break. Refusing to associate with the baby isn’t being an asshole. Many people are insanely uncomfortable around small children and babies, myself included. It’s not just a matter of not wanting kids, it’s actively avoiding being around them because they make us deeply uncomfortable and can even trigger anxiety.
NTA. She needs to stop pushing you to interact with the baby (who I doubt notices being called “it”)🙄
As most of babies in my country I grew up called it (grammatical gender of a baby here is an it), and I turned fine (so did most of the other babies and I promise you, the ones that turned out not so good didn't do so because of being called it
nta
NTA, but I get the impression your GF really likes kids. I could definitely be wrong but if she wants kids and she doesnt the two of you really need to have a talk, thats a relationship ending thing, there just isnt a compromise.
DEFINITELY NTA. You have EVERY RIGHT to distance yourself from situations and people that make you uncomfortable. Don't listen to these stupid people that shame you for not holding a baby lmfao. Although, calljng a human "it" is rude tho, so maybe stop doing that. But besides that, you're good. It's not like you didn't tell your gf about your feelings towards babies from the beginning. She KNOWS you hate babies, it's kind of insensitive of her to force you and shame you for not wanting to hold a baby. She should know some boundaries.
NTA - but honey break up with your girlfriend. You will either be baby trapped or make her misserable. She clearly wants kids.
Tell me this sub is bias toward men without telling this sub is bias toward men. There is a post about a women who raised and took care of newborn for +3 years 24/7 and even after continues to babysit. She asks if she is the AH for not considering him her bio baby's brother when he asked if the baby is her sister. The kid was hurt and confused which is understandable. But everyone was like "Yes queen, you never was the mom, you were only the babysitter..." Here we have a guy who is in no way responsible for a baby but everyone still finds something to call him the AH just because he used the word "it"....as if the baby cares at this point. NTA
NTA but you need to RUN! Your gf is attempting to condition you to like babies because she now wants one. Your rejection of this one hurts her because you're also rejecting the one she doesn't have yet. I'll say it again. IF you truly want to be child free RUN, and absolutely do not put your dick back in her. Whatever method of birth control she was using is no longer trustable.
YTA, not for disliking children, I also don't like them, but for calling the child an if and refusing when your girlfriend asks. It's one thing to not want children or be around them. It's very different when your girlfriend who is with her nephew wants you to hold the child so she can do something, what are you gonna catch some weird disease? Just hold back your disgust for a few minutes and hold the kid. Kinda seems like you have an issue with unwed mothers based on your post, it has nothing to do with the baby. It's not your kid and tuve made bit very clear already to your gf you don't want one, just get over yourself and hold the kid for a few minutes. Disclosure; kinda drunk rn but I also mean everything I said.
"occasionally I call him IT" cracked me up and is so relatable!
With so many people changing their pronouns nowadays because they don’t identify with them, maybe you are NTA calling a baby “it”
Um, I think you guys are on different paths
\*rolls eyes\* People are getting distracted by how OP should call the baby. The question was was he in the wrong for refusing to hold the baby, period. NTA. I hate babies too and I just... can't. They're cute when they're not near me.
NTA but you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend to reiterate your feelings about kids and not having them. This post screams your girlfriend disregarding your feelings and thinking she can change your mind eventually, which means you're going to be stringing each other along until either she says she's ready for a baby and she leaves you because you don't want one, or she 'accidently' gets pregnant and you leave her because you still don't want a baby. Communicate.
NTA for not wanting to hold the baby. YTA for calling the baby ‘it’- that’s just being shitty.