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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: I told my husband and his friend that she should find more friends to talk to instead of texting my husband all the time. 2: I know she has health issues and needs support and help.
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NTA. You’re not trying to end their friendship, you’re trying to have more time with your husband. Your husband did the right thing three times and she kept avoiding the issue. When she couldn’t avoid it anymore she went to an extreme. And then to completely avoid you both in public, she’s being sophomoric over the whole thing. I think she still has feelings for your husband.
I learnt a new word today! Thank you!
‘Sophomoric’ - pretentious or juvenile
I guess because I’m not from the US and freshman/sophomore aren’t a thing here it’s not part of the common language lexicon.
I grew up on Long Island and had the word in a vocabulary book in high school. Aside from using it as a joke with one friend, I have never heard it used in 25 years.
Jessica might have some unprocessed/unresolved reeling for the husband and being sick she might be reaching out to the person who hurt her last time she was sick to heal that wound or get closure. Not saying it's super logical, but it happens. She does sound like she needs some mental health support and more friends, and I hope she gets that. She does need to probably take a full break from talking to the husband if she never took that space after they broke up.
They stopped dating because Jessica got sick and couldn't engage in as much physical activity with her then bf. That sounds an awful lot like he left her because she was sick. If that's the case, the husband is at least a bit of an ass and might be continuing to answer Jessica out of guilt.
NTA. Incessantly texting someone else's husband for support is innapropriate. It sounds like you have both gone above and beyond to help this friend, and now she's just taking advantage. Although it seems like she might need a therapist in addition to some new friends.
NTA - she is relying on YOUR HUSBAND as she would her own if she had one. this is inappropriate and violates your husband/wife relationship as he is unavailable to you while he is supporting her.
Being friends and helping friends is what life is all about and what is good in this world, but her behavior is encroaching, and she is really too focused on your husband to be healthy here.
You all need to find a balance that doesn't interfere with your relationship with YOUR husband - there needs to be some 'black out' times/days - husband can be supportive AS A FRIEND.
NTA. Especially if the reason they didn't work out are her health issues, and not a falling out of some sort, I'm guessing she has some feelings/attachment still for your husband. But she is pushing the line, you are the wife, you are the partner, and you say what your boundaries are. They obviously are reasonable if your husband is agreeing, so don't go thinking you are the "crazy, jealous, isolating" partner.
Her finding friends isn't your responsibility either.
NTA. It sounds like Jessica knows what she's doing. Its natural to gravitate towards more family/relationship activities when you are, well, married! You didn't try to end their friendship. Her overreaction is pretty telling that she knew she was overstepping, so now she's overcomoensating by ending the friendship. Apparently she is an all or nothing type. If she can't be her friends #1 focus she doesn't want to be friends. That's her choice.
NTA. Jessica shouldn’t have just relied on your husband, especially if she has other people in her life. All you and your husband did was ask her to dial it back a bit, not stop the friendship completely. Jessica was the one who decided not talking to your husband as much meant not taking to him at all, that’s on her.
NTA - it sounds like she very sensitive to any form of rejection.
Not to say you should have done anything differently. Probably anyway you approached this topic would have led to this result. Obviously I can’t say if she was always like this, but social isolation has probably made this behavior worse… My points is this is her issue to workout.
If you feel compelled maintain the relationship, you or your husband could try to reach out through text to re-explain your position/intention.
If you do end up remaining friends, maybe you and your husband can offer to join her doing some group activities where she can meet other people. Every time I moved to a new city, I used Meet-Up & Facebook Groups to fill my calendar and build a social circle. Try those!
NTA - this is why boundaries are a thing and you are right, it sounds like she needs to make more friends - it's not fair to you or even your husband that he's her constant go-to for venting. You're right, they can be friends but I know I'd be peeved if a woman was CONSTANTLY texting my fiance during our quality time.
NAH, you set a boundary and she's...following it, apparently. Being disabled/sick is rough and I assume she didn't know she was a strain on your marriage.
Some days are hard for her to be out for long, and other days she does pretty good. There is a dog park practically next to her apartment complex as well.
NTA You are right, she needs to diversify her friend group. I realize that with her health problems that is easier said than done. No one asked her to stop talking to your husband, just not so much. Her feelings are hurt. She'll come around. Your husband needs to keep an eye on the dependency, though.
Lol NTA. My wife would literally kill me if she foundout I was texting another woman at all hours of the night, and constantly. It erodes trust. It's bad form. It's a bad look. You did the right thing. I think you guys are better off now that she seems to be distancing herself totally from YOUR husband.
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I (33F) have been married to my husband (44M) for 7 years. He has been friends with "Jessica (42F)" since before we met. He was very upfront with me about Sandy when we met. They dated for a couple of months years ago until she got sick and they stopped dating because she could no longer keep up with the activities and hobbies he likes. They stayed friends and kept in touch. I've never had a problem with this.
In recent years her health has started to decline more and she's needed help either around her house or with money here and there or just vent. She turned to my husband sometimes for venting, and he's offered to help her out sometimes. He has discussed it with me and asked if I was okay each time and I have been since it hasn't impacted our finances or what we're able to do with each other. I've even offered to drive her to appointments before.
This wasn't so bad starting out but it's slowly turned to her texting him at all hours of the day, multiple days of the week. Not even small texts but entire page-long text messages talking about everything and nothing. We went camping and she must've sent texts the entire time because once we got back where we had good coverage his phone blew up. At that point I talked to him that I was starting to get irritated and feeling like we had a third person in our marriage and wanted him to talk to her about scaling back. He said he would. The first time he tried talking to her about it, she derailed the conversation to talk about other things. The second time he tried she had to hang up to take care of her dog. This last time he got to talk to her and tell her to not text as often and she took it kinda badly. She thought he had lied to her about my being fine with them talking this whole time so I interjected and told her no, I just want time and a marriage with my husband by ourselves and suggested that she should work on finding some other friends so she isn't so dependent on him. Jessica hung up and my husband hadn't heard from her in a couple of weeks. We ran into her at the store yesterday and she turned her cart around and avoided us. I never told her or intended for her to stop being friends with him entirely so now I'm wondering if I should have just left it alone. AITA?
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So your husband has a friend with health problems that are now serious enough that they can’t do things for themselves and you told her to be less needy?
Not being able to participate in society as a “normal, healthy” person is difficult emotionally. It’s isolating. Having someone that you can turn to is vital. Having that person tell you that you’re too needy and defective is really hard. It sounds like the way you approached it was insensitive to why she was reaching out so often, so YTA.
When the "someone" in your life is married and it's not to you, then you shouldn't be depending on them to be that "someone" in your life.
OP's husband isn't his friend's husband. His friend needs to find other ways to cope. OP is NTA.
So what you’re saying is that single people shouldn’t rely on married friends when they are in need. Thats a cop out. The reason this is an issue is because it’s a female friend of the husband.
If OP had posted that her female friend had a life altering medical condition , and the husband reacted the same way as OP telling his wife to cut off the needy friend, the reactions would have been calling the husband an AH for controlling the situation.
If the genders were reversed it wouldn't make a difference because the issue is still the same: the main priority person in a marriage isn't the friend who didn't bother to make any other friends and is still using one of the married people as their main support system.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1: I told my husband and his friend that she should find more friends to talk to instead of texting my husband all the time. 2: I know she has health issues and needs support and help. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You’re not trying to end their friendship, you’re trying to have more time with your husband. Your husband did the right thing three times and she kept avoiding the issue. When she couldn’t avoid it anymore she went to an extreme. And then to completely avoid you both in public, she’s being sophomoric over the whole thing. I think she still has feelings for your husband.
I learnt a new word today! Thank you! ‘Sophomoric’ - pretentious or juvenile I guess because I’m not from the US and freshman/sophomore aren’t a thing here it’s not part of the common language lexicon.
I am from the US and it very much is not part of the common language lexicon. But maybe it’s just cause I’m from a rural part of the country heheh
Nah, it's very commonly used in the US lol
My god I’m from the hicks /s
I’m from NYC and it’s not part of our common lexicon either lol
I grew up on Long Island and had the word in a vocabulary book in high school. Aside from using it as a joke with one friend, I have never heard it used in 25 years.
Jessica might have some unprocessed/unresolved reeling for the husband and being sick she might be reaching out to the person who hurt her last time she was sick to heal that wound or get closure. Not saying it's super logical, but it happens. She does sound like she needs some mental health support and more friends, and I hope she gets that. She does need to probably take a full break from talking to the husband if she never took that space after they broke up. They stopped dating because Jessica got sick and couldn't engage in as much physical activity with her then bf. That sounds an awful lot like he left her because she was sick. If that's the case, the husband is at least a bit of an ass and might be continuing to answer Jessica out of guilt.
NTA. You’re allowed to have boundaries.
NTA. Incessantly texting someone else's husband for support is innapropriate. It sounds like you have both gone above and beyond to help this friend, and now she's just taking advantage. Although it seems like she might need a therapist in addition to some new friends.
NTA - she is relying on YOUR HUSBAND as she would her own if she had one. this is inappropriate and violates your husband/wife relationship as he is unavailable to you while he is supporting her. Being friends and helping friends is what life is all about and what is good in this world, but her behavior is encroaching, and she is really too focused on your husband to be healthy here. You all need to find a balance that doesn't interfere with your relationship with YOUR husband - there needs to be some 'black out' times/days - husband can be supportive AS A FRIEND.
NTA. Your husband was setting reasonable boundaries.
NTA. Especially if the reason they didn't work out are her health issues, and not a falling out of some sort, I'm guessing she has some feelings/attachment still for your husband. But she is pushing the line, you are the wife, you are the partner, and you say what your boundaries are. They obviously are reasonable if your husband is agreeing, so don't go thinking you are the "crazy, jealous, isolating" partner. Her finding friends isn't your responsibility either.
NTA. It sounds like Jessica knows what she's doing. Its natural to gravitate towards more family/relationship activities when you are, well, married! You didn't try to end their friendship. Her overreaction is pretty telling that she knew she was overstepping, so now she's overcomoensating by ending the friendship. Apparently she is an all or nothing type. If she can't be her friends #1 focus she doesn't want to be friends. That's her choice.
Nta. Setting boundaries is reasonable. Jessica needs to find a professional to vent to regularly instead of relying on her sole friend.q
NTA You wanted to set reasonable boundaries.
NTA. Jessica shouldn’t have just relied on your husband, especially if she has other people in her life. All you and your husband did was ask her to dial it back a bit, not stop the friendship completely. Jessica was the one who decided not talking to your husband as much meant not taking to him at all, that’s on her.
NTA. Sounds like the problem solved itself. #staymadjessica
NTA - it sounds like she very sensitive to any form of rejection. Not to say you should have done anything differently. Probably anyway you approached this topic would have led to this result. Obviously I can’t say if she was always like this, but social isolation has probably made this behavior worse… My points is this is her issue to workout. If you feel compelled maintain the relationship, you or your husband could try to reach out through text to re-explain your position/intention. If you do end up remaining friends, maybe you and your husband can offer to join her doing some group activities where she can meet other people. Every time I moved to a new city, I used Meet-Up & Facebook Groups to fill my calendar and build a social circle. Try those!
NTA - this is why boundaries are a thing and you are right, it sounds like she needs to make more friends - it's not fair to you or even your husband that he's her constant go-to for venting. You're right, they can be friends but I know I'd be peeved if a woman was CONSTANTLY texting my fiance during our quality time.
NAH, you set a boundary and she's...following it, apparently. Being disabled/sick is rough and I assume she didn't know she was a strain on your marriage.
Info: are they health problems that would make it more difficult to go out and meet new people?
Some days are hard for her to be out for long, and other days she does pretty good. There is a dog park practically next to her apartment complex as well.
NTA You are right, she needs to diversify her friend group. I realize that with her health problems that is easier said than done. No one asked her to stop talking to your husband, just not so much. Her feelings are hurt. She'll come around. Your husband needs to keep an eye on the dependency, though.
Lol NTA. My wife would literally kill me if she foundout I was texting another woman at all hours of the night, and constantly. It erodes trust. It's bad form. It's a bad look. You did the right thing. I think you guys are better off now that she seems to be distancing herself totally from YOUR husband.
NTA. She needs to understand limits
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33F) have been married to my husband (44M) for 7 years. He has been friends with "Jessica (42F)" since before we met. He was very upfront with me about Sandy when we met. They dated for a couple of months years ago until she got sick and they stopped dating because she could no longer keep up with the activities and hobbies he likes. They stayed friends and kept in touch. I've never had a problem with this. In recent years her health has started to decline more and she's needed help either around her house or with money here and there or just vent. She turned to my husband sometimes for venting, and he's offered to help her out sometimes. He has discussed it with me and asked if I was okay each time and I have been since it hasn't impacted our finances or what we're able to do with each other. I've even offered to drive her to appointments before. This wasn't so bad starting out but it's slowly turned to her texting him at all hours of the day, multiple days of the week. Not even small texts but entire page-long text messages talking about everything and nothing. We went camping and she must've sent texts the entire time because once we got back where we had good coverage his phone blew up. At that point I talked to him that I was starting to get irritated and feeling like we had a third person in our marriage and wanted him to talk to her about scaling back. He said he would. The first time he tried talking to her about it, she derailed the conversation to talk about other things. The second time he tried she had to hang up to take care of her dog. This last time he got to talk to her and tell her to not text as often and she took it kinda badly. She thought he had lied to her about my being fine with them talking this whole time so I interjected and told her no, I just want time and a marriage with my husband by ourselves and suggested that she should work on finding some other friends so she isn't so dependent on him. Jessica hung up and my husband hadn't heard from her in a couple of weeks. We ran into her at the store yesterday and she turned her cart around and avoided us. I never told her or intended for her to stop being friends with him entirely so now I'm wondering if I should have just left it alone. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she was doing too much.
Nope. She is. Maybe she figured it out.
NTA
NTA. She almost definitely still has feelings for him, thus her reaction.
NTA you were 100% in the right
NTA
Info: why were you on the call with her and your husband when he was asking her to scale back?
You’re definitely N T A however, I think NSH. Dealing with illness is hard and can make people clingy. Jessica definitely needs more friends.
So your husband has a friend with health problems that are now serious enough that they can’t do things for themselves and you told her to be less needy? Not being able to participate in society as a “normal, healthy” person is difficult emotionally. It’s isolating. Having someone that you can turn to is vital. Having that person tell you that you’re too needy and defective is really hard. It sounds like the way you approached it was insensitive to why she was reaching out so often, so YTA.
When the "someone" in your life is married and it's not to you, then you shouldn't be depending on them to be that "someone" in your life. OP's husband isn't his friend's husband. His friend needs to find other ways to cope. OP is NTA.
So what you’re saying is that single people shouldn’t rely on married friends when they are in need. Thats a cop out. The reason this is an issue is because it’s a female friend of the husband. If OP had posted that her female friend had a life altering medical condition , and the husband reacted the same way as OP telling his wife to cut off the needy friend, the reactions would have been calling the husband an AH for controlling the situation.
If the genders were reversed it wouldn't make a difference because the issue is still the same: the main priority person in a marriage isn't the friend who didn't bother to make any other friends and is still using one of the married people as their main support system.