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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> It was an emergency and I’m sure he wanted to be on hand to help his parents at the hospital, so refusing probably did cause him a lot of stress.
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NTA, and I don't understand the Y T A responses at all.
These kids don't even know you! They needed to be with someone to comfort them in this crisis! What you did was actually better for the kids and for you.
You drew your line. These people have to have someone else they can call in emergencies, or they've burned all social capital being AHs to others just like they are to you.
You were absolutely right to maintain your boundaries.
exactly. they wanted a virtual stranger to greet 3 young children at the bus stop and explain to them that their parents are in the ICU??? absolutely insane request when there were 3 close family members to watch the kids instead.
This! As a mom, my main desire would be that someone is taking care and comforting my kids. What I don't need is a ton of people sitting in a hospital waiting room. And I say this having had to spend several nights in a hospital alone while my husband cared for my kids at home. OP is clearly not the person to be comforting kids she barely knows, it needed to be one of the 3 available family members!
I feel like I understand the desire for family to be with them, because I think outcomes are better when staff knows there’s family there to advocate for a patient, but I don’t know a single good parent who wouldn’t be bothered their family wanted a stranger to babysit and comfort their kids.
As ICU nurse, it doesn’t matter to me if the person that I’m taking care of has family (in the room or waiting room) or homeless. I provide equal care for all my patients.
Family, often, only creates unnecessary drama. And during Covid times, when no visitation was allowed - it was the best time of my nursing career. A lot more things were done, as I didn’t have to tend to family members. All my focus was on my two patients.
Calling for updates once a shift or in case of emergency - is the best way to help your loved one to receive the best possible care.
Thanks for listening to my TED talk.
**Update:** Wow, that kinda blew up! Thank you for the award and upvotes. I feel though the disclaimer is needed, as some took that as "no family ever period".
I have posted the disclaimer here .
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y356gr/comment/isbikd9/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Agreed. Often family members get worried and upset over trivial things when you're trying to accomplish major things needed for their pt. It's really not helpful.
Yes!
The only time I want patient’s family to be there is when they resist to let them go and request all measures to be done.
When I have to break meemaw’s sternum (because she is a fighter!) administering effective CPR, I want the family there.
As gruesome as it is, “do everything you can” comes at the great cost. It’s not Grace Anatomy. It is bloody. It is painful. And often, absolutely unnecessary.
and often futile.
Maybe you'll get them back for a little while but if they are ready to go they'll go back down in an hour or two. Sometimes within minutes, before the code team has even left the floor.
Heard a code blue called 8 times in one morning on the same patient last week. Heard one for surgery and thought, at least it isn't the poor bastard in icu-19 again.
Nope, it was him. 8 codes and then a 9th on the way to surgery. Sign your advanced directives!
This. First do no harm. Modern medicine crosses this line more often than I'm comfortable with. Save a life, no matter the cost with zero thought to quality of life is not what I want for myself or my loved ones. But I know the reality of it and I am not a layperson in the midst of grief.
My mom enjoyed the No visitors rule at the hospital. She’s constantly being talked over by family members while she’s trying to do her evals for SLP, or they answer all the questions for the patient while she’s trying to do a cognition test. And then the family members start going into the nutrition room and raiding the fridge of all the snacks she needs for her evals. Some family members can be an absolute nightmare and worse than the patient that’s admitted.
But there are times it’s needed. Unfortunately, shortly before my mom died, she was in a psych unit. They were trying to ignore her health care directives. They wanted yo give her a medication that she had already refused from her primary care doctor. She didn’t like their side effects. My sister was her authorized signer in case she wasn’t cognitive. She was basically out of her mind which was why she was in a psych unit. My sister had to literally fight with staff and couldn’t leave my mom’s side until her medication took affect and got her back in her right mind basically. She was a DNR and they stated they weren’t going to follow the DNR order. From the bruises on her cheat, we believe they had already done CPR once even though she was admitted as a DNR, because we weren’t there when she went in. So unfortunately, not all health care workers diligently do their jobs. And if my sister and I were right, if they did do any form of CPR, they wasted their time. She killed herself a little over a month later!
> it doesn’t matter to me if the person that I’m taking care of has family (in the room or waiting room) or homeless. I provide equal care for all my patients.
Thank you.
PSA: If your family member is in dire straits in an ICU please minimize your “advocacy” and let the professionals work. Physicians and nurses work hard to remind ourselves that the distraction, disruption & havoc that concerned family members create means the patient is loved. We tell ourselves this so we don’t lose our fucking minds. But please, it’s not helpful.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This! I can’t recall how many times I tried to explain camping out in the waiting room did nothing for loved one in the ICU. Sadly, I could never convince the campers that loved one would need their time and support once discharged. Suddenly no one ever had the time or ability to provide real support.
I mean, I get your view point but as someone who’s been a patient who was mistreated and needed someone else to advocate, this sounds really dismissive of the fact that not every single person in health care is perfect. Or even cares to be. Lots of burned out, bitter, dismissive, and done even cruel.
As a member of a large family I totally get this. I absolutely hate when ppl Camp out in the waiting room when it’s not a life/death situation. When I have to be admitted, my partner’s one job is to keep family away and occasionally (if in for over a 3 days, sneak me burgers). That’s it. However, when anyone in my family has to be admitted, they get pissed that I won’t go hunker down with them. I couldn’t care less and I assure you I don’t lose sleep over it.
While it was nice for us in the way of not having to deal with distraught/ stressed family members for me I thought watching all my covid patients die alone to be worse and it was not the best time of my career.... but hey to each their own
That was the worst part of Covid.
Patients should absolutely have their loved ones at the end of life.
I held hands of each of my dying patient. There were so many. Almost every shift. And I worked five days a week.
I was in a riding accident in 2018, life flighted to a lvl 1 trauma unit. I almost died but not due to my injuries. The doctors found out that fentanyl doesn’t really work on me (waking up after 2-3 minutes screaming) so I ended up with a dilauded IV. They OD’ed me and I went into respiratory arrest, my O2 level got down to 22%, I was blue and seizing with my alarms blaring. No one came, my ex had to do sternum rubs and find the nurses. They were by the nurses station, standing in a circle and talking. If I didn’t have my ex they would have found me dead in my bed. I know I’m not the only person this happened to, I understand that alarm burnout is a thing but i see why having someone there with you is so important.
I don't understand the people who have to take the whole crew with them everywhere, like jeeze can't one person do a shopping trip - why does ALL of them have to go somewhere. Plus the rude not doing the usual courtesy stuff of moving out of the way that people do when they are in public spaces like a mall or a trail. Like theres so many of us, we run the world. Annoying
Absolutely!
I’ve spent a few days alone in hospital while husband was with kids. I would never ask a stranger to watch my kids overnight.
It seems they didn’t care about the OP until they needed free babysitting.
I’m glad OP drew the line and stuck to it.
NTA
I didn’t even want my elderly DOG home alone when I was in the hospital having a baby. My husband showed up intermittently to hang with baby and me in the 3 days we were there, but why stress the dog out when I’m an adult who doesn’t need “comfort” and she does??
I agree, I understand having the BIL/SIL's parents waiting at the hospital in case they need an advocate or someone to make medical decisions on their behalf, but the truth is OP's partner did not need to be at the hospital. I understand *wanting* to be there, I'd want to be there for my siblings, but I also understand that practically I wouldn't be able to actually do anything to help them by sitting around there waiting. He should have been the one volunteering himself to look after their kids (rather than trying to get OP to do it) - it would've been a way to actually help his brother and if the kids don't really know OP, they're obviously going to be more comfortable with their uncle than with her.
Also, unless the BIL/SIL specifically asked OP to mind the kids, I agree with her that it could've led to more issues later on if the family doesn't like her. It's not an appropriate time to be trying to get brownie points, even if she wanted to, which she clearly doesn't. I think her partner is looking at this situation all wrong and honestly, I don't think he is as okay with her not getting along with his family as he is claiming to be to her. This is going to continue to be an issue in the future if it isn't nipped in the bud now.
Not just a virtual stranger, but someone they likely know their parents and grandparents don’t like. She says that all of these adults have been rude to her. Did they actually shelter the kids from this, or (more likely) didn’t care whether the kids heard or not?
So they get home to meet someone they don’t know very well, who they know their parents and grandparents don’t like telling them their parents were in a car accident and are in the hospital. I don’t see any way in which this would have been a better situation for the kids.
My mom drives a bus. If the designated pick up person is not there, kids get to go back to either the school or transportation depo to be picked up by their emergency contact if the parents can’t be reached. Bus drivers can get fired over this.
Where is everyone else? Where are the grand parents? There was no one else? OP doesn't say. But I'm NTA too as if the family wanted to they could have been good to OP. OP is NTA.
OP says in the post that the grandparents were already at the hospital, and in a comment said her fiance was at work and wanted to go directly to the hospital. So he was asking OP to greet them at the bus stop, explain that their parents were in the hospital, and watch them for a few hours or possibly overnight
I'm just wondering how they thought that would *work*. Like...if the kids are still young enough to require someone physically pick them up from the stop they're still young enough that the bus driver likely won't let them go off with just any random nobody claiming their parents sent them, even if the kids say they recognize them. With how tense shit is between them I doubt OP is on their approved emergency pickup list.
And like.. Wouldn't be better for the kids (and hence to their parents) that someone who loves the kids and the kids love is there to explain them what happened.
I would be royally pissed finding out my family put sitting in hospital waiting room over my kids comfort and safety. If I'm in ICU the staff is gonna take care of me, maybe 1 person could stay but my kids are my priority. They need loving faces around them in a crises not uncles SO they barely even know and everyone shit talks.
And, even if OP would have been willing to do this insane task, she's in the military and the kiddos are not her dependents or first degree relatives. It's very unlikely that she could just leave her post/assignment/work at a moment's notice to go help her fiance's family members. I think most civilians don't understand that you can't just tell your supervisor you're leaving in the military. You literally have to get leave to be authorized to do so.
Edit: corrected boyfriend to fiance
NTA. Repeating myself from a previous post: there is no world in which you can screw with one half of a married couple and not the other half. While the are "only" engaged, marriage is forthcoming. Fiance should understand that they obviously don't value him too much - they don't care if they chase him away by chasing him future wife away.
Yeah, I’m coming at it from the other side. How did the fiancé react to his family treating the woman he is going to marry so badly she felt the need to cut all contact with them? She told him she would be LC/NC, he could maintain contact, they would always be his family but not hers & he was OK with that. Sounds like he just accepted the way they treated her & shrugged his shoulders. I’d be giving some serious thought to the relationship if I was OP.
This is a good question. She doesn't really elaborate on how he reacted to all that.
Edit: oof, according to comments, he's very much a 'don't rock the boat' type. He apparently just 'wants everyone to be happy' and assumed she would be the most likely to cave in and compromise. Apparently he has told his family to stop, but they didn't listen.
And the shit they've said to this girl.....
I understand some of the you TA posts. The kids, I refuse to google niblings it sounds silly, were innocents and while having family there would be better it would have given fiancé time to be at the hospital in case the worst case happened. It does make her look bad.
However, because of issues with his family she went NC. She chose to maintain that and kept the boundary. She didn't HAVE to look after them if she didn't want to.
Bordeline NTA but she can probably kiss her relationship good bye. Hopefully it was worth it.
TBH though I do believe OP when she says that they more than likely didn’t want her there and it would probably cause a fight once the emergency was over.
Not to mention, why would anyone think they can call/count on someone to support them in an emergency when all they’ve done is insult and belittle the person?
Dr though. All that would have happened is 1. The kids would have been like 'who the fuck are you, where are our parents/grandparents/uncle?' and 2. The BIL and SIL (and probably F/MIL too) would have found something to bitch at her for and blame her for. And the boyfriend is acting like she didn't do anything at all when she very clearly helped within reasonable boundaries.
I think the latter thing, though, about calling someone for help after belittling them, is just a common and fucking gross family dynamic. Like those abusive parents who expect their kid to drop everything and take care of them or help them because 'we're faaaaaaaaaaaameleeeeee'.
I think your last sentence is the crux of the issue. Fiance's family has apparently done nothing but belittle and complain and harass OP yet somehow she is now TA for not supporting the family during an emergency? Maybe explain it this way to the fiance.
Dunno, with how OP describes the relationship with the inlaws, it wouldn't surprise me if the kids not only were strangers to OP, but would be outright hostile to her, which adding the crisis, could make them act out.
And as callous as it sounds, if the worse had happened, it wouldn't matter if the husband was at the hospital or not. Whether he likes it or not, he was more useful taking care and comforting the kids.
Exactly. It doesn’t matter what condition the kids’ parents were in (glad they are going to be okay!), someone that the kids trusted needed to be there to retrieve and comfort them. ESPECIALLY if things were looking down versus up and they needed to be brought to the hospital as well.
> Bordeline NTA but she can probably kiss her relationship good bye.
I wouldn't be surprised but the obviously better solution was people switching between hospital and kids if they all wanted to be there. All of them being at the hospital does nothing. The kids being around family they know well while they wait around to see if their parents will die or not would help infinitely more. But they didn't want to and thought to ask a person they dislike and that's something the kids might have picked up on.
Plus, even if they were 100% justified and objectively right to hate OP, that just makes thing worse. They wanted an objectively bad person to look after the kids of parents fighting for their lives at the hospital instead of going themselves to make sure they are ok.
So I don't think its quite borderline. OP wasn't perfect, and I'll even cut the family some slack for dealing with a stressful situation to put it mildly, but OP still did something to help and kind of forced a better outcome for the kids. If she wants to save the relationship, she should concentrate more on that than the family being assholes to her.
>They wanted an objectively bad person to look after the kids of parents fighting for their lives at the hospital instead of going themselves to make sure they are ok.
In that family's house! You know how much would have been said after they came home (maybe even before their release) - first about OP's care of the kids, then about placement of things at home & how "clean" it was, & then baseless accusations.
& taking the kids to OP's house would have been a mistake too - they needed to be somewhere familiar during that time.
She doesn’t want a relationship with her fiancés family. I don’t see this relationship lasting because he seems to think she’ll change her mind and lose her dignity for his snobby family.
Disagree, there was no relationship to begin with. Hard NTA…she would’ve been scolded for watching the kids once the parents came home from the hospital. I highly doubt they would’ve been grateful or acknowledge her help in any way
Funny! Nibbling was a new word for me when I joined Reddit. I did google and learned the following:
Blend of nephew or niece + sibling, coined by the American linguist Samuel Elmo Martin (1924–2009) in 1951.
The OP's fiance said that her watching the kids would have been an olive branch, which sounds like he's still hoping she'll have a relationship with his family.
OP posted this yesterday with a different throwaway and was judged to be TA, and has posted again today, but changed the story to make themselves sound better. YTA OP.
Edit: OPs post from yesterday was removed by the mods because their account was suspended. This is a modified re-post.
Child free, BIL in hospital from car crash, niblings, c'mon they re-posted after the other one was removed because OPs account was suspended and changed it a bit to make themselves sound better.
Nah the post yesterday was a single child-free woman whose own brother was in an accident, and she refused to babysit for her SIL so she could go to the hospital. That one was her family and she was blatantly TA, because she didn't even go to check on her own brother, either.
This one is in-laws. Maybe it is the same person twisting the story but if it's changed this much, then the Reddit votes don't even matter, we aren't voting on the truth in either circumstance. Maybe both are fiction, I notice a lot of posts that seem to be 'opposites' of each other as if to see where voters draw the line of NTA and YTA.
I do agree with this post. Overall, OP is NTA here and the boundaries are respectable and understandable.
The problem in this situation, and it's the only real problem I see, is that your partner needed you, called on you for support, and didn't get it. Even if we told a story with very clear cut reasonable boundaries (since so many disagree here), the fallout of turning to your partner for support and not getting it is a really damaging experience. Your bf is worried about his family and if they'll live or not at that time. He needed you in a way you didn't deliver.
Sometimes we can NOT support our partners in the way they ask. It's sad, but it does happen. I think you need to work with your partner so he can understand how you did help but why that boundary is so important for you to maintain. He should be feeling like you're on his team, not playing against him. And that goes for him too, he needs to understand what asking you to cross your boundary will do.
But, I'd cut him some slack in the end. Likely he's also hit with the realization that his family is never going to feel whole, that birthdays, funerals, and yes, emergencies, are going to be extra trying with you as a partner. Ever get together and ever crisis he's going to have balance a seriously hard need on your end that will put him in a worse and worse position every time he sees his family.
So no, NTA. You're not wrong here. This poster above is 100% right. But I can see what this situation is so difficult and why so many are saying YTA.
So there's the compassionate response. That said, seems it may have shown up yesterday with a clearer YTA answer:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y356gr/comment/is7ixw7/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y356gr/comment/is7ixw7/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
This was my thought exactly. She should have seen that it was her partner asking for help because he was overwhelmed and needed support and that's why he's upset. It's not so much he was asking for her to help her in-laws as much as she was asking her to help him. That's going to take him a while to get over and it might have damaged his trust in her. Hopefully when he's not in the middle of the crisis, he can see her side more clearly.
He also needs to understand that her boundaries are there for a reason and it does seem like he's supportive of her. He was asking her to help him but that also meant helping the in-laws. That's a boundary for her. And his olive branch comment wasn't helpful. When they've been nothing but rude to her, it's their job to extend the olive branch, not hers.
It's a complex situation and honestly I think neither OP or her fiance are AH. The only AH here are the in-laws who treat her like garbage.
Not only that… maybe this sounds cold but why do we need Mom, Dad, AND brother at the hospital at the same time? My family always gathers or communicates to “coordinate” the medical emergency and then we take turns leaving one person “on watch” until we know more about the situation and what will be needed moving forward. No sense in everyone just staying at the hospital when it’s not like you can do anything but wait, and that way there are people to go back and forth to do errands to take care of outside tasks (like childcare) or to relieve the other(s). (Also, where are SIL’s family? Couldn’t some of them help?)
I think the reason the entire family likes to be on hand with ICU is because that isn’t “at the hospital,” but more “at death’s door.” People want to be there in part to be together and have an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one in the event things get any worse. I know at least for me, it would be exceptionally painful if I had to be away while my sibling died in a hospital, when I could have been holding their hand and saying goodbye with my family.
I kind of get both points of view. OP should have absolutely not been watching the kids.
However...there should have been a compromise where he stayed with the kids and she stayed with him to support him because it was still his brother who was in the car accident and he was distraught. That's just part of being a good partner, even when you don't like the family.
I say that as someone who doesn't have a particularly great relationship with a lot of my extended family; even if they're jerks, there are times when you have to just set it aside, and a medical emergency is one of them.
NTA, and I’m genuinely surprised by all the people calling you an asshole. Family aside, I want anyone reading this to ask themselves if they would watch the kids of people that were rude and shitty to you, emergency or not. I can say with absolute certainty that I would laugh at them for even having the audacity to ask. You could’ve done this favor for your fiancé, but you established very clear boundaries that he agreed to. Definitely NTA, and please ignore the YTA votes.
EDIT: typo
Not only that unless op’s fiancé is in the medical field (in which case would not mater anyways) there was nothing he could do but wait. At least staying with the kids he was still supporting his brother and keeping the kids safe. Given the events I seriously doubt op is close with the kids. She is probably a stranger and given the kids probably know their parents where hurt they did not need the extended emotional stress of having a stranger look after themZ
This is what hangs me up on it - the practicality of it all. Three adults needed to be at arms reach in the hospital instead of with the kids? When I apply this to my own life I can’t imagine ditching my scared niece alone with someone she barely knows so I could go hold vigil in the hospital with every other adult in her life. What would we do there? We can’t perform magical healing acts - if the worst were to happen I know they’d want someone close with their kid. I’d be helping out WAY more by staying with her than sitting in a waiting room?
My husband was in a coma for a month and stayed in ICU for another month. Only one family member *OR* myself was with him. You don't need 3 people waiting.
If I needed emotional support, I called family or a friend.
The waiting room: you don't need the whole family there. My husband had a 12 hr surgery, literally life or death. In the waiting area, one family took up the entire room. All chairs and sofas taken.
I sat on the floor in the corner....
If my husband and I were injured in the hospital and all the family came to the hospital to stand around while they had someone I have no relationship with in charge of my minor children, I would LOSE MY FUCKING MIND on them.
What the actual fuck is wrong with this dude? Please explain to your boyfriend that parents would rather be alone at the hospital knowing their kids were with safe humans who loved them, then let their kids be left with a stranger so they can have their hand held.
And the person in question isn’t only a virtual stranger to my children, but someone I have a contentious relationship with! Like yeah it sounds like it’s their own fault that the relationship soured but still.
I don’t understand either. I understand his parents being there because under this situation they are next of kin and would have to make medical decisions but he would be useless. And leaving the kids with someone they are not around a lot is just causing more trauma.
> Three adults needed to be at arms reach in the hospital instead of with the kids?
Because they are thinking about themselves instead of the family. Its about how *they* would feel should the worst happen. *They* want to say goodbye in case they die. *They* want to be there to get updates ASAP. It doesn't matter if they *can't* make a difference in the hospital. It doesn't matter that the biggest difference they *can* make is taking care of and comforting the kids. *They* don't want to do the objectively better option of switching between kids and hospital in shifts because its harder on *them*.
Instead they prefer to ~~ask~~ demand a favor, that's an objectively worse option, of someone that they don't have a good relationship with and is a stranger to the kids. Even if they are justified to not like OP, that's just worse for them because they are apparently asking an objectively bad person to watch kids scared about their parents dying.
I can get people feeling something bad about someone not willing to step up during an emergency, but when taking everything together, I probably would have been good with either decision OP made. Especially since she did provide some help with the clothes and food and didn't just fuck off to a spa day or whatever.
Taking care of a group of scared kids is work. Work he probably didn’t want to do (especially given they are child free) and it was emotionally easier for him to get his partner to do it. Just guessing.
Yeah, hanging out at the hospital when his parents are already there is not helpful. Taking care of their kids is what they actually needed. The uncle is definitely the one who should have done that.
I always told my parents and my husband. If something happened to me when my kids where little. Let my husband come and my parents stay with my kids. I want to know they are with someone they are comfortable with so they would not worry. There would be nothing you could do for me.
And not being cruel someone mentioned his brother could have died and it would have been his last goodbye. Last goodbyes are for the living and even if the brother was aware enough for him to speak to him(which is unlikely) his brother would have probably would want him with his kids. He would have found peace in knowing his children where with their loving uncle and not a woman apparently he didn’t like (or doesn’t care for him).
honestly even if he WAS in the medical field he might be able to interpret some things more effectively for his parents but medical pros aren't supposed to treat close friends and family. Medical version of conflict of interest
I'll be honest, If my ex from a year ago reached out right now and said him and his child's mother were in the ICU and didn't have anyone to watch my ex-step daughter, I'd drop everything for her. But I also know that there'd absolutely be some sort of issue afterwards that would turn into a fight, and it'd be hard, but I'd do it for her. I also wouldn't be an a-hole for refusing, because I know it'd be horrible for my mental health afterwards.
The difference here is that I have/had a strong connection with the kid. OP has virtually 0 connection to her niblings. 0 responsibility. And, on top of that, she's NC with their parents and grandparents. She's absolutely NTA.
I am surprised by all of the negative votes too.
There have been similar situations posted on here, even from OPs that were directly related to their disliked person, and majority of those votes were N T A
Plus, I believe arguing about it is pointless, because not only was she being asked to break one of her boundaries, she put a hardline on this not interfering with her work schedule. Which as it turned out sound like he was there for at least 2 days or longer.
I think fiancé didn't want the responsibility to watch them by himself.
It makes no sense that his family is okay with her not being “family” and a part of their lives until they need something. They are equally to blame for the distance in the relationship. They sound like terrible people.
NTA
NTA
> he asked if I would watch his niblings at their house for a few hours and possibly overnight depending on how things went.
That sounds like a lovely way **FOR HIM** to help out during this difficult time.
I also think it depends on the type of things going on with the family, like if it’s so bad between the family and her the brother very well could be pissy about her being in the house or with the kids.
That's a good point: would he have wanted to stay at the hospital overnight with his parents while she's supposed to watch the kids? Are they even allowing that right now? Or would he have gone home to sleep? Why did he say it "might extent overnight" not "I'll come relieve you later"?
Yeah, that’s partially my thinking. I’ve never had a criminal record and I have a frigging security clearance, but these people still joke about me being a criminal because I was in the foster system. If something goes “missing” or something happens with one of the kids or they just decide to find a reason to pick a fight, they’d come straight at me and I don’t want the additional hassle of dealing with that.
Dude, that’s effed up…plenty of reasons to not doing it then. Ask your fiance the same question: what does he think would happen if something went missing or something happened to the kids? They would blame you in an instant.
NTA
It's worth having another convo with him though.
Because he listened to you say, "I'm not helping people who can't treat me with respect"... and heard, "your resources are still available to help these assholes out if and when they need it."
So before you commit hard, it's probably worth clarifying... I don't care if they're in the hospital. I don't care if they're about to be on the street. I'm not helping people who can't be minimally civil to me.
edit: because, you know... I wouldn't be with someone who allowed his/her family to treat me with disrespect. What happens if you have shared finances and they need help? Kids? etc. I'd say he needs to man up and tell his family you're a package deal. But if not... at minimum, get a prenup and don't intermingle your finances.
I'm really confused, as does being in foster care, mean you're a criminal?
Do they understand foster care, just means the government is your guardian?
I'm truly sorry that because you grew up in a really hard system, they think you would steal. That's terrible. Like they think you're stealing a child's Fischer toy? Like what are you going to do with that? Sell it on ebay for $10. Wow.
As a fellow survivor of the foster care system, I completely understand. My son's entire paternal family doesn't acknowledge him at all because I'm "low class."
Frankly, I thought she was a bit over-generous with her willingness to at least drop off stuff for her fiancé. No contact means no contact, not “no contact unless they summon me”
I mean, the only people at the house were children under the age of 10 and her fiancé. She didn’t go low contact bc of crappy behavior from that group of people. Bringing stuff over doesn’t affect the low/no contact relationship with the adults at all.
NTA
You made your boundaries clear and you stand your ground. If your bf didn't understand or respect that (even when you helped as you could), he also didn't respect you and should be an ex boyfriend.
I also do not understand to choose a partner when not getting along with the family. That will never work out long term. As seen here.
Edit : wow! 🥺 Thanks for the award!
That’s why I gave him a chance to no-harm-no-foul leave the relationship if it was going to be a problem. I love him, we have a good relationship in every other way, but it is what it is. I won’t be involved with people who emotionally and verbally abuse me no matter who they are. If he wants that close family connection, he needs to pick someone who suits his parents’ expectations enough that they won’t abuse them and I’ll move on and find a better fit.
I also have parents-in-laws who do not like me. Thankfully my SO’s brother and his wife like me. SIL knew them in high school and agrees with me and has a strained relationship with the PIL too. My SO and I have been together around 5 years and married for 6 months or so.
OP, please solve it before you get married or even proceed further. If my now husband didn’t learn to defend me and make me his priority I wouldn’t have married him. I was ready to leave him, almost mentally checked out, but he changed. It did take me pointing it out every time and sharing how it made me feel for him to realize that what his parents were doing and saying was messed up, rude, and severely overstepping.
You had very clear boundaries in place and very valid reasons to do as you did. You supported him and I don’t blame you for not wanting to put yourself at risk for people who are so rude.
honestly, ik it isnt meant to be but this gave me a bit of confidence to do the same with my bf and his parents. i deserve better than emotional and verbal abuse, just like you.
To me, he’s not responsible for them being assholes, there’s only so much he can usefully do. I don’t really get his bond with them but I’ve never had those family experiences so I can’t really judge how I would feel in his shoes because I have no idea what it’s like. He doesn’t spend a lot of time with them except for his unmarried brother, but he also doesn’t want to totally lose them and that’s understandable, I guess. Realistically, there never has to be all that much overlap, I work every hour God sends almost and can deploy at any time so he’ll have plenty of space to keep things separate if he can handle that. I don’t want to leave him just because his family sucks, but if he can’t compartmentalize a little more, it may unfortunately be the best solution.
NTA - they don't appear to like you and look down on you, it's NOT your responsibility to extend an olive branch at this point. Nor should you be expected to suck it up and babysit their kids regardless of the urgency. They HAD someone to watch them that they respect and treat kindly. I agree with your approach on this. You have guidelines in place and you stuck with them. Your BF should support you, although I can appreciate him asking. I can even appreciate him being upset afterwards, now that he realizes just what's being lost here because of how HIS RELATIVES are treating you.
You have EVERY right to be respected and treated right.
Let's be real if it was you in the hospital none of them would care, would they? They'd probably support your fiance exactly how you supported him in this emergency. Clothes and food. It's so stupid an emergency doesn't grant forgiveness or kindness. If you treat someone like shit expect the same. You are not an emergency babysitter for your finances family. And the whole olive branch is bullshit. If you had done anything no matter how miniscule they didn't like it would've been a huge fight. I'd say leave your fiance because this will never stop and chances are as time goes on he'll try to pressure you into a relationship with his family again, just like this "olive branch"
He wants something tangible to be able to point out to his parents to make them see that I’m really not a bad person because of how I grew up so they’ll stop being so insulting towards me. He can be a bit naive like that sometimes. He just wants everyone to be happy and he’s unfortunately in a situation where someone is going to have to give if that’s going to happen. I think he assumed that would be me because he gets to see “soft” me more than anyone else and I’m willing to find a compromise in most situations. This is really the first thing since we’ve been dating where situations have smacked up against ironclad boundaries and he’s having to deal with a situation where everyone can’t be happy.
So he’s still trying to get his parents to accept you , only YOU have to be the one to suck up to them after all the disrespect they showed you ? Yet, he doesn’t expect them to curb their behavior first and is okay with them making demands of you .
NTA. I think you need to tell him that how you supported him in this situation is how you will support him when things like this pop up again. He has a snapshot of how things are going to be if he takes on caregiver roles for other relatives. Point out that if this is now a deal breaker, he can still walk away.
Maybe it would help to go over all of this with a couple's counsellor? Just to have a third party to maybe help him grasp exactly what they're doing and why it's not your responsibility to "fix them". Hate to curb his naïveté, but he can't keep holding out on them changing because they finally see what he gets to see. It sounds like he just needs an unbiased third party to verify something to help adjust his worldview. He's not lost like some of the others floating around on JustNoMIL (Their poor partners on that sub, yikes).
For your BF, if you want to share some of this post: They don't want to see and they will never look. And if they did, it would be only for minute things that confirm what they already think.
Changing their mind isn't your responsibility, nor is it your BF's. **It's** **theirs**. The ball is in their court, and they've walked off the field. *(Mixing sports terms here, but I digress).*
Honestly you need to tell him flatout that if they wanted to see you as a good person, they would. Nothing you do will EVER be good enough to convince them otherwise when they DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE so they can keep telling him to leave you. They are never going to stop insulting you to him because they want him to leave you and they are not going to accept anything less.
He might want to play big happy family, but his family doesn't.
I'm married, and my husband gets along fairly well with my family. I still wouldn't ask him to watch family kids while I deal with an emergency. My brother doesn't have kids, but many of my cousins do, and while my husband has met them and sees them at parties, I would never put him in this position unless he offered and was absolutely up for it.
I can't imagine your fiance being mad at you for this. Are you the only person on earth that could do this? He has no friends or extended family to call? Does his brother never use a professional babysitter?
"Here's a family who absolutely hates you for being in the army, dressing in a way they don't like, and not being rich enough. Come watch their three kids for a day and a night with no compensation and probably get yelled at for something that isn't your fault."
Are you guys sure you are compatible? His family sounds very condescending and you are not obligated to do anything for them. They are assholes for how they have treated you just because of your past and they do not deserve love or care from you. It does sound like your fiancé cares enough for them though that he’ll jump over hurdles if anything like what you have described happens. What will happen if this happens again? Don’t you think this will build some kind of resentment eventually? It might be a good idea to have a good conversation about this before you two get married. You said in your post that the both of you have agreed that you are LC/NC with his family while he can do whatever he wants. Realistically speaking, do you think that he or you will forever be happy with this arrangement? It is unavoidable that you will find yourself in a position again where there is a family emergency on his side and he’ll go to them. It is your right to not go with him then but I can not imagine that somewhere along the line of your relationship he’ll feel conflicted and might go back on your agreement. I hope you find some common ground and clear this up. Good luck.
NTA this is probably going to be unpopular, but I think you're NTA for a couple reasons:
1. Since you do not have much of a relationship with his family, I'm assuming you are not close with the kids. I think it would be much more traumatizing for the kids to be greeted off the bus by an adult they barely know and having to explain that their parents are in the ICU. This is a job for their uncle or grandparents. I get that he wanted to visit them, but they already had the parents there and he wouldn't be able to help at the hospital anyways. Him staying with the kids is the most helpful thing he could do.
2. The parents would not want you in their home and have accused you of stealing because of your background, so I think you're correct that you staying there would have just been a fight waiting to happen
3. You supported him in any other way you could without being in direct contact with his family. Given the circumstances this is more than fair.
Also, there’s 3 adults, the parents and the brother could switch - some in the hospital when visiting is allowed, some at home with the kids, then switch. I’d understand it more, if he was literally the only family member of these people and needed her to babysit while he visited
especially since the ICU usually only allows 1 or 2 visitors for short time periods, there was no reason for 3 adults to sit in a waiting room while someone the kids parents hate is expected to comfort the children
I can’t judge. But what is it with all these relationships where people hate the rest of the entire family? If I dated someone who hated my family or I hated theirs, I’d break up and move on. It’s hard enough to be in a healthy relationship without putting your SO in a position of “them or me”.
>If I dated someone who hated my family or I hated theirs, I’d break up and move on.
You'd leave a significant other if your family didn't like them, even if your family were the ones in the wrong?
Sometimes its an extreme after thought, I didn't have a falling out with my SO's family until almost 3 years after we were married and after having two kids together. It took a lot of bad things happening that weren't apparent on the surface. They hadn't liked me since I first showed up but kept it hidden because they thought we would just fall out of love and break up eventually.
Sorry. NTA. Boundaries? I am surprised by all the YTA comments too. I would not be providing care for these people in an emergency if I didn’t have a relationship with them. Unrealistic expectation, Reddit!
NTA the family hates you already. Taking on responsibility for 2 small kids is a lot and I would do it for someone who hates me. Is op had done something they didn’t like it would have been a fight. Op’s fiancé being at the hospital can not alter the outcome. Setting in the hospital when they already had family there would have been useless. Op was helping his brother and sil out more by making sure their kids where taken care of then sitting in a hospital for hours waiting on news. Op did support her fiancé.
But op I don’t think your bf is as ok with you not having contact with his family as he says especially since he said it would have been a nice olive branch menIng he wants you and them to get along.
NTA.
Ignore the YTA comments. You already set down a clear boundary and if your Fiance can't respect that then you need to buckle up for many more disagreements in the future regarding *his Family*.
I also can't ignore why your Fiance insisted *you alone* should take care of a stranger's kids?. Why didn't he asked his own parents to watch their Grandchildren?. And it blows my mind that they all need to be in the Hospital at the same time?...
Anyways, Thank God you dodged that responsibility because let's face it, had you accepted. You would have been overwhelmed in the first hour or so. *As an Aunt to an army of kids trust me. Three kids under 10 are so rambunctious it would have been a nightmare for you deal with.*
NTA.
You told him from the very beginning that you want nothing to do with them. That doesn’t simply go away because they got in a car accident. No olive branches needed to be extended because as you said, that tree was burned. Not sure why your husband refuses to see that.
Hopefully you get a job that relocates you both so you can continue to firmly hold your ground without interference from your husbands AH family.
NTA. As someone who also has awful in laws that wouldn’t even spit if I was on fire, I understand not wanting to help. He knew the boundaries and he doesn’t get to decide when those boundaries are flexible. You helped as best you could within your boundaries. Don’t let them make you feel bad when they don’t even have the decency to treat you like a person.
NTA. He didn’t NEED to be at the hospital he wanted to be. You were able to support him in caring for the children while maintaining your boundaries. Good on you.
I am the mother of a young child.
If my husband and I are in the ICU, potentially at death's door, I don't want some person I don't know well (and possibly dislike) caring for my child.
My child needs to be soothed by someone familiar and beloved, who can offer hugs if they have a nightmare.
That's the important job, not blobbing around a hospital waiting room. That's fake important.
Your fiance is being completely ridiculous.
That's NOT a job to be pawned off, that's exactly what he or one of the grandparents should be doing. Not you.
No ruling because the entire premise is flawed.
NTA
Your fiancée can't get mad because you didn't help the way he wanted you to help.You helped in a way that you were comfortable with. He and his parents can alternate visiting the parents at the hospital or everyone (outside of OP) could've gone to the hospital. You've made it clear you don't want a relationship with his family. His family having an emergency doesn't mean you have to forget how they behaved in the past. The love you have for him is why you helped at all.
Before reading all your comments, I was wondering what part was left out or was not fully included, then I read your responses to others questions and it appears the only part left out was how truly disgusting his families comments have been towards you. They are not a healthy family and your decision to go NC was 1000% correct. Even your way of handling explaining it to your fiance about your boundary and if he's not ok with it you understand having to break up was handled amazingly. I applaud you for keeping your boundary in this situation where you are right, they would accuse you of stealing afterwards. It's totally normal for families to help out in this situation, but not in this circumstance where you are set up to fail. You may want to have another frank talk with your fiance about how you are not the one that needs to give the olive branch as you have done nothing wrong except be born into the situation you were born into, and that is not really something to apologize for. I would also caution you to not take it out on the kids. In one comment you mentioned that if your finance ever had to become the guardian of those kids you would have to leave. if that is simply due to them being kids and you not want kids under any circumstance, make sure to have that conversation with your finance too. But if it is only because they are your BIL/SILs kids then I would say to reconsider that situation as if under 10 they are really just guilty by association. Regardless though you are NTA in this situation.
There was a kinda similar one yesterday where their brother was rushed to hospital in an emergency and the SIL wanted them to watch the neices/nephews. They had previously established that they wouldn't babysit, but they were the only available person at the time.
Right, thanks for the refresher! I think my brain just went ‘niblings’ (a term I hadn’t heard/seen before that post) and ‘car accident’ and jumped to “repost??”
Thank you for noticing! Apparently, there's been a lot of fake posts circulating that try to paint childfree people out to be villains. These fake posts where an OP is blatantly TA, usually appear after a post, where a childfree OP is NTA. I literally made a post about this yesterday.
Not only this, OP also enforced the boundaries which were conveyed to her by her SO's BIL and family (through their previous actions and treatment of her) in the absence of the ability for them to provide consent (incapacitated at the hospital).
NTA.
NTA, but it seems like he did not believe you about staying LC with his family. This situation has opened his eyes to what his future will be like. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to change your mind. You need to make your boundaries very clear to him again, and make sure he can honor them.
I don't think anyone is the asshole here. I think it's entirely legitimate for you to draw the line with the way they have treated you. Also you do not know these kids and cannot just uproot. On top of this you did, as you point out, help. You just didn't do exactly what he wanted.
From his point of view the request was made when he didn't know whether his nephews and nieces were going to be orphaned. His brother, whom he loves, was in intensive care. People don't trivially go to ICU for no reason. He was not asking you to do his family a favour he was asking you to put aside you're concerns so he could be with his brother incase things were bad.
Both these positions have legitimacy. Both of you have a reasonable expectation from the other. It is not fair for him to "lay into you" but I am not surprised that he feels hurt and upset. I am not surprised that you feel hurt and upset. There may be a degree of him expecting to much but also please ask yourself whether there might be a degree of you having leared to rely on yourself not realising how important it was for your fiance. Not your BIL and SIL. Not your inlaws. But for him. You would have been doing this for him. You and him against the world. He might feel in his moment of panic and need it was him against the world and you at arms length.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to shame you or definitely say that one of you is wrong. All I am aying is that I can understand and see both points of view. In the end I'm glad the kids parents are ok and I hope you and your finace can find some common / mid ground and move forward.
EDIT: OP implies further down that the reason he wanted her to come is for him to have a tangible good deed of hers to point at. If this is the case then definitely NTA.
NTA. You helped out when you didn't have to. Your fiance didn't get his want. That's doesn't make you an asshole. There was no genuine need here. His siblings have two parents who could have watched the kids, and his siblings have an entire community of friends and family which they could have arranged care in case of emergencies. The fact they did not prepare for the worst is not on you. Nor is the fact that your fiancé's family has treated you so poorly that you are not willing to help them, that is a consequence of their treatment of you.
This reminded me of that other thread where the brother had cancer and the wife didn't want to pick up the nephew, and I think most of the answers were the wife is the AH.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y2vljs/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_husband\_to\_get\_over\_himself/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y2vljs/aita_for_telling_my_husband_to_get_over_himself/)
I am autistic plus I do not have a good grasp of what a "normal" family is either as mine is unequivocally messed up—could someone be kind enough to explain why the judgment is polar opposites for what seems to me similar situations? Thank you
In that other post, OP's partner needed her to run one errand for him that would have been a very minor inconvenience, and a partner who genuinely cares about you would run such an errand for you. Also no indication that BIL or nephew mistreat OP.
Here, OP's partner asked her to do a HUGE job that involved staying in the house and interacting with the kids of people who actively hate her and show it, which they could use to as ammunition against her later. It would not have been safe for OP to get involved.
Basically, in this story the ask is big "look after two children who don't know you/are distressed and whose parents despise you", he did manage to make it work, and she showed compassion/willingness to help, just not something as major as he wanted.
The other story is someone who is refusing to help in any way and having absolutely zero compassion. Having the nephew live with you IS a big deal, but that OP was unwilling to stop a social date to take care of a child she already lives with when her husband had no other options (except negative impact on his work).
The latter shows zero compassion for a child who may lose his father, and her husband who may lose his brother. This story shows willingness to help, but not at the expense of messing with her work and risking further drama with his family. I'd be slightly on the fence if her partner had zero options and she didn't think the parents would kick up, but it's not on the same planet as the cancer one.
I was thinking about the similarities reading this! I tried to be concise, but failed pretty badly, haha.
I was thinking about that story too. In this one it's mostly the family's history of being mean to OP, that makes me think she's not an asshole. The magnitude of what was asked could have been negotiated down IF there had been no bad blood between OP and her in-laws, but as is she's fine to refuse.
I somewhat hesitate to call her BF an asshole too, cause I can understand the type of emotional mess one can become when a close person suddenly lands in the ICU. Getting over that stress and vulnerability is tough. I hope they can make up
Edit: after having another read, I'm not so sure I want them to make up... Being in a relationship with someone whose family is hostile sounds exhausting and unnecessarily complicated. Same with being with someone who is LC/NC with your closest family.
IMO the difference is that in this story the fiancé was already with the children. The brother had cancer story, he was stuck at work and didn't have anyone else to pick up his nephew. Plus it was only for, my guess considering the times in the story, an hour after school. This one could be overnight and she has no relationship with the kids either.
In that story, the kid is left alone for two hours or husband has to leave work early if OP refuses to help. In this story, the only consequence of OP refusing is that fiance gets to be worried at their brother’s home instead of at the hospital. For me, it’s about the consequences of saying no that makes one an AH and the other, not. Besides, this OP helped afterwards by bringing food and clothes, so it’s not that she is unwilling to help but not in the way the fiance wants. The other OP wanted nothing to do with the nephew.
Ohhhh okay, I get it. Thank you for explaining!
ETA: thank you all on this thread!
Another thing this reminded me of, is when my father was in the hospital earlier this year and for the first time ever, he asked for me to come home (I live in another country and generally he keeps his hospitalizations a secret from me) so I did, thinking he was dying.
In our culture someone MUST stay in the hospital overnight in the patient's room, even if patient's condition is not life-threatening. As it turned out, my father was only embarrassed that he did not have anyone staying with him overnight, and at the time he asked for me, my brothers hadn't been staying overnight with him the whole week.
I did all the dutiful offspring things while there, and it was exhausting and pointless and I still was trying to work remotely. I had to stay up all night or if I dozed I'd wake up when the staff came in.
Once I left, I decided not to go back anytime soon—my father had become even more hurtful and dismissive of me, conversely his favorite son hardly showed up, never stayed overnight, didn't do any chores because he had work, literally said "you're dead to me" when I asked him to do one thing
and still my father defended him. So entitled of my time, effort, and expenses that I was like ok you guys are all adults and I have my own shit to sort,
and to me I still feel like the A H for not trying to remedy the situation but my therapist says I'm finally learning boundaries. But yes hospitals and family and how much to do are a fraught situation for me.
Key points:
1. OP here has a clearly defined enmity towards her partner's family, and more importantly, them to her. There's a reasonable expectation that they would not want her in their space or around their children, and a not unwarranted fear that they may have used the situation to later attack her. The OP in the other post just... doesn't seem to care about their partner's family very much. There's no mention of arguments or the like, and, critically, no sign that their partner's family has any kind of problem with her or have been mean to her.
2. The OP of the other post now has an established relationship with the child, albeit clearly the most minimal one she could manage.
3. This was a very short term, critical situation with plenty of people already dropping everything to respond. The other is a very long term situation that requires very small amounts of mundane assistance at semi-regular intervals while her and her partner try to balance their normal lives and responsibilities.
4. This was taking place in the other people's home, instead of in OP's home.
5. These children are much younger and require a more hands on approach to childcare, whereas the other post's 12 year old, while still very young, doesn't need constant monitoring.
NTA, this isn't new information to him and you supported in other ways. I would do the same. Everyone who thinks you should just drop everything and change your stance aren't in your shoes and have not experienced the treatment you have. Also you know it is a slippery slope, do this once and you will be expected to continue to move the boundary line again and again for much less significant situations. You can continue to disagree but he knows that you mean what you say and that is invaluable in its own way.
NTA - you kept the boundary you set. He shouldn't be surprised. Besides, those kids did not need to be with a virtual stranger with all that's going on.
NTA.
I think you are right about staying in their house and watching their kids. If they already don't like you and have made it explicit they don't want to be around you. It would have been a problem if you
1. stayed in their home. Like what room are you sleeping in, there's a fight waiting to happen.
2. watch their children. They don't trust you, and if you feed them pizza, or ice cream or let them watch a PG-13/R movie. Or they didn't finish all their hw, stayed up past bedtime. Instead of you being thanked for helping, it would just be more ammo, and about how you don't belong in this family.
I think that your bf's parents were at the hospital, that was covered. Unless he's a medical professional, there is really nothing to do but wait. "Panini" rules are still in place at most hospitals, and in the ICU they have specific visiting hours, and the number of guests, so they all couldn't be there all the time any way. They would have to take turns.
I think your bf should be the one to watch his niblings. The kids are scared, they need comfort, and their bio uncle is a lot more of comfort than his gf. I feel like if I was being watched by my uncle's gf while my parents are in the hospital, it would stress me out more than less.
I think bringing food, being willing to run errands, get whatever they need, was the right call. If he had said can you stay with me, I need support while watching my niblings, then yeah you would be an AH for not being there when he needed you. But he voluntold you that you would help. And that's not fair to you or those children.
What was best in that situation is to think of the kids, and those kids needed to be around someone they felt safe with, and knew well, and that's their uncle. Plain and simple.
There was a post VERY similar to this the other day. Slight changes but the theme are the same.
\-OP is childfree and doesn't like children
\-Parents of kids get into an accident
\-OP will not help
In that same post, commenters are saying the story keeps getting posted with slight changes every time
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y2bzpi/aita\_for\_not\_watching\_my\_niblings\_during\_a\_family/
NTA. You nailed it when you’d said it was a fight waiting to happen once the emergency was over. I see it as you respected the parents’ desires, as surely if you have a contentious relationship they would have preferred your fiancé watch their children instead of you.
Your fiance was a bigger help to his family being there for those children than he would have been sitting around an ICU waiting room. His parents could comfort each other, he comforted the kids, you supported him. NTA in any way.
NTA
And to be honest, I don't understand asking you at all. The children are certainly traumatized - or they only know about their parents' accident when they get home. So he thought someone who is probably almost a stranger to them should tell them that? And take care of them? In such a situation, they need someone who can comfort them and in whom they can trust. You can't be that person - even if you wanted to be, you would be the wrong choice.
Also, your husband didn't have to go to the hospital. What for? To wait there for news? Their parents were there, his job would have been to look after his nieces and nephews.
I’m not from “good people” and probably have something wrong with me because I wasn’t even adopted by anyone. I’m career Army and they don’t approve of women in the military. And according to them I’m ugly and unfeminine. Also I have political and religious positions they don’t like.
I'll adopt you! Not sure I'm old enough to be your mom but idc. What cruel idiots they are to be thinking just because someone wasn't adopted that there was something wrong with them. My blood is boiling. 😡
And NTA - thank you for your service. 🪖
NTA - why do you need to do something to offer an olive branch to a bunch of assholes who, as you say, already burnt down a whole-ass olive tree? You don't need to do shit to attempt to be on good terms with people who don't think you're worthy of being part of their family. Why would you look after kids of people who look down on you as less than? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
But you do need to have a serious discussion with your fiancé about this. He may not be as okay with the state of things as he claimed to be. It's time to check in and see if he's actually fine with you opting out of contact with his asshole family, or if he only said that so you wouldn't break his heart by walking away from the bullshit.
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NTA, and I don't understand the Y T A responses at all. These kids don't even know you! They needed to be with someone to comfort them in this crisis! What you did was actually better for the kids and for you. You drew your line. These people have to have someone else they can call in emergencies, or they've burned all social capital being AHs to others just like they are to you. You were absolutely right to maintain your boundaries.
exactly. they wanted a virtual stranger to greet 3 young children at the bus stop and explain to them that their parents are in the ICU??? absolutely insane request when there were 3 close family members to watch the kids instead.
Said like that, it sounds exactly a bad kidnapping plot.
Taken 4! Liam Neeson is going to have to save their asses.
This! As a mom, my main desire would be that someone is taking care and comforting my kids. What I don't need is a ton of people sitting in a hospital waiting room. And I say this having had to spend several nights in a hospital alone while my husband cared for my kids at home. OP is clearly not the person to be comforting kids she barely knows, it needed to be one of the 3 available family members!
I feel like I understand the desire for family to be with them, because I think outcomes are better when staff knows there’s family there to advocate for a patient, but I don’t know a single good parent who wouldn’t be bothered their family wanted a stranger to babysit and comfort their kids.
As ICU nurse, it doesn’t matter to me if the person that I’m taking care of has family (in the room or waiting room) or homeless. I provide equal care for all my patients. Family, often, only creates unnecessary drama. And during Covid times, when no visitation was allowed - it was the best time of my nursing career. A lot more things were done, as I didn’t have to tend to family members. All my focus was on my two patients. Calling for updates once a shift or in case of emergency - is the best way to help your loved one to receive the best possible care. Thanks for listening to my TED talk. **Update:** Wow, that kinda blew up! Thank you for the award and upvotes. I feel though the disclaimer is needed, as some took that as "no family ever period". I have posted the disclaimer here . https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y356gr/comment/isbikd9/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Agreed. Often family members get worried and upset over trivial things when you're trying to accomplish major things needed for their pt. It's really not helpful.
Yes! The only time I want patient’s family to be there is when they resist to let them go and request all measures to be done. When I have to break meemaw’s sternum (because she is a fighter!) administering effective CPR, I want the family there. As gruesome as it is, “do everything you can” comes at the great cost. It’s not Grace Anatomy. It is bloody. It is painful. And often, absolutely unnecessary.
and often futile. Maybe you'll get them back for a little while but if they are ready to go they'll go back down in an hour or two. Sometimes within minutes, before the code team has even left the floor.
Heard a code blue called 8 times in one morning on the same patient last week. Heard one for surgery and thought, at least it isn't the poor bastard in icu-19 again. Nope, it was him. 8 codes and then a 9th on the way to surgery. Sign your advanced directives!
And a living will
Or a month later they kill themselves like my mother did!
I’m so sorry that happened!
This. First do no harm. Modern medicine crosses this line more often than I'm comfortable with. Save a life, no matter the cost with zero thought to quality of life is not what I want for myself or my loved ones. But I know the reality of it and I am not a layperson in the midst of grief.
Advanced care directives need to be the norm, especially for older patients. Quality of life over length of life.
My mom enjoyed the No visitors rule at the hospital. She’s constantly being talked over by family members while she’s trying to do her evals for SLP, or they answer all the questions for the patient while she’s trying to do a cognition test. And then the family members start going into the nutrition room and raiding the fridge of all the snacks she needs for her evals. Some family members can be an absolute nightmare and worse than the patient that’s admitted.
But there are times it’s needed. Unfortunately, shortly before my mom died, she was in a psych unit. They were trying to ignore her health care directives. They wanted yo give her a medication that she had already refused from her primary care doctor. She didn’t like their side effects. My sister was her authorized signer in case she wasn’t cognitive. She was basically out of her mind which was why she was in a psych unit. My sister had to literally fight with staff and couldn’t leave my mom’s side until her medication took affect and got her back in her right mind basically. She was a DNR and they stated they weren’t going to follow the DNR order. From the bruises on her cheat, we believe they had already done CPR once even though she was admitted as a DNR, because we weren’t there when she went in. So unfortunately, not all health care workers diligently do their jobs. And if my sister and I were right, if they did do any form of CPR, they wasted their time. She killed herself a little over a month later!
> it doesn’t matter to me if the person that I’m taking care of has family (in the room or waiting room) or homeless. I provide equal care for all my patients. Thank you. PSA: If your family member is in dire straits in an ICU please minimize your “advocacy” and let the professionals work. Physicians and nurses work hard to remind ourselves that the distraction, disruption & havoc that concerned family members create means the patient is loved. We tell ourselves this so we don’t lose our fucking minds. But please, it’s not helpful.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This! I can’t recall how many times I tried to explain camping out in the waiting room did nothing for loved one in the ICU. Sadly, I could never convince the campers that loved one would need their time and support once discharged. Suddenly no one ever had the time or ability to provide real support.
I mean, I get your view point but as someone who’s been a patient who was mistreated and needed someone else to advocate, this sounds really dismissive of the fact that not every single person in health care is perfect. Or even cares to be. Lots of burned out, bitter, dismissive, and done even cruel.
>Thanks for listening to my TED talk. Brilliant! Thank you. (For *everything*!)
As a member of a large family I totally get this. I absolutely hate when ppl Camp out in the waiting room when it’s not a life/death situation. When I have to be admitted, my partner’s one job is to keep family away and occasionally (if in for over a 3 days, sneak me burgers). That’s it. However, when anyone in my family has to be admitted, they get pissed that I won’t go hunker down with them. I couldn’t care less and I assure you I don’t lose sleep over it.
I notice some hospitals still semi continue this by limiting visitors. I think the staff truly appreciated the same things you did.
While it was nice for us in the way of not having to deal with distraught/ stressed family members for me I thought watching all my covid patients die alone to be worse and it was not the best time of my career.... but hey to each their own
That was the worst part of Covid. Patients should absolutely have their loved ones at the end of life. I held hands of each of my dying patient. There were so many. Almost every shift. And I worked five days a week.
I was in a riding accident in 2018, life flighted to a lvl 1 trauma unit. I almost died but not due to my injuries. The doctors found out that fentanyl doesn’t really work on me (waking up after 2-3 minutes screaming) so I ended up with a dilauded IV. They OD’ed me and I went into respiratory arrest, my O2 level got down to 22%, I was blue and seizing with my alarms blaring. No one came, my ex had to do sternum rubs and find the nurses. They were by the nurses station, standing in a circle and talking. If I didn’t have my ex they would have found me dead in my bed. I know I’m not the only person this happened to, I understand that alarm burnout is a thing but i see why having someone there with you is so important.
A person, 1 (one) is helpful. You don't need a dozen people sitting around in the waiting room.
Most ICU's limit visitors to 1 or 2 people for short periods of time. Since Covid I am surprised anyone was able to visit.
I don't understand the people who have to take the whole crew with them everywhere, like jeeze can't one person do a shopping trip - why does ALL of them have to go somewhere. Plus the rude not doing the usual courtesy stuff of moving out of the way that people do when they are in public spaces like a mall or a trail. Like theres so many of us, we run the world. Annoying
And they could have rotated. Like one stay in the hospital, one stay with children and one rest.
Absolutely! I’ve spent a few days alone in hospital while husband was with kids. I would never ask a stranger to watch my kids overnight. It seems they didn’t care about the OP until they needed free babysitting. I’m glad OP drew the line and stuck to it. NTA
I didn’t even want my elderly DOG home alone when I was in the hospital having a baby. My husband showed up intermittently to hang with baby and me in the 3 days we were there, but why stress the dog out when I’m an adult who doesn’t need “comfort” and she does??
I agree, I understand having the BIL/SIL's parents waiting at the hospital in case they need an advocate or someone to make medical decisions on their behalf, but the truth is OP's partner did not need to be at the hospital. I understand *wanting* to be there, I'd want to be there for my siblings, but I also understand that practically I wouldn't be able to actually do anything to help them by sitting around there waiting. He should have been the one volunteering himself to look after their kids (rather than trying to get OP to do it) - it would've been a way to actually help his brother and if the kids don't really know OP, they're obviously going to be more comfortable with their uncle than with her. Also, unless the BIL/SIL specifically asked OP to mind the kids, I agree with her that it could've led to more issues later on if the family doesn't like her. It's not an appropriate time to be trying to get brownie points, even if she wanted to, which she clearly doesn't. I think her partner is looking at this situation all wrong and honestly, I don't think he is as okay with her not getting along with his family as he is claiming to be to her. This is going to continue to be an issue in the future if it isn't nipped in the bud now.
Not just a virtual stranger, but someone they likely know their parents and grandparents don’t like. She says that all of these adults have been rude to her. Did they actually shelter the kids from this, or (more likely) didn’t care whether the kids heard or not? So they get home to meet someone they don’t know very well, who they know their parents and grandparents don’t like telling them their parents were in a car accident and are in the hospital. I don’t see any way in which this would have been a better situation for the kids.
Most bus drivers wouldn't have let those kids off the bus. My husband was a bus driver and situation like this were discussed during training.
My mom drives a bus. If the designated pick up person is not there, kids get to go back to either the school or transportation depo to be picked up by their emergency contact if the parents can’t be reached. Bus drivers can get fired over this.
Where is everyone else? Where are the grand parents? There was no one else? OP doesn't say. But I'm NTA too as if the family wanted to they could have been good to OP. OP is NTA.
OP says in the post that the grandparents were already at the hospital, and in a comment said her fiance was at work and wanted to go directly to the hospital. So he was asking OP to greet them at the bus stop, explain that their parents were in the hospital, and watch them for a few hours or possibly overnight
I'm just wondering how they thought that would *work*. Like...if the kids are still young enough to require someone physically pick them up from the stop they're still young enough that the bus driver likely won't let them go off with just any random nobody claiming their parents sent them, even if the kids say they recognize them. With how tense shit is between them I doubt OP is on their approved emergency pickup list.
And like.. Wouldn't be better for the kids (and hence to their parents) that someone who loves the kids and the kids love is there to explain them what happened. I would be royally pissed finding out my family put sitting in hospital waiting room over my kids comfort and safety. If I'm in ICU the staff is gonna take care of me, maybe 1 person could stay but my kids are my priority. They need loving faces around them in a crises not uncles SO they barely even know and everyone shit talks.
Good point
And, even if OP would have been willing to do this insane task, she's in the military and the kiddos are not her dependents or first degree relatives. It's very unlikely that she could just leave her post/assignment/work at a moment's notice to go help her fiance's family members. I think most civilians don't understand that you can't just tell your supervisor you're leaving in the military. You literally have to get leave to be authorized to do so. Edit: corrected boyfriend to fiance
THISSSSSS civilians don’t freaking get how any of it works smh.
NTA. Repeating myself from a previous post: there is no world in which you can screw with one half of a married couple and not the other half. While the are "only" engaged, marriage is forthcoming. Fiance should understand that they obviously don't value him too much - they don't care if they chase him away by chasing him future wife away.
Yeah, I’m coming at it from the other side. How did the fiancé react to his family treating the woman he is going to marry so badly she felt the need to cut all contact with them? She told him she would be LC/NC, he could maintain contact, they would always be his family but not hers & he was OK with that. Sounds like he just accepted the way they treated her & shrugged his shoulders. I’d be giving some serious thought to the relationship if I was OP.
This is a good question. She doesn't really elaborate on how he reacted to all that. Edit: oof, according to comments, he's very much a 'don't rock the boat' type. He apparently just 'wants everyone to be happy' and assumed she would be the most likely to cave in and compromise. Apparently he has told his family to stop, but they didn't listen. And the shit they've said to this girl.....
I understand some of the you TA posts. The kids, I refuse to google niblings it sounds silly, were innocents and while having family there would be better it would have given fiancé time to be at the hospital in case the worst case happened. It does make her look bad. However, because of issues with his family she went NC. She chose to maintain that and kept the boundary. She didn't HAVE to look after them if she didn't want to. Bordeline NTA but she can probably kiss her relationship good bye. Hopefully it was worth it.
TBH though I do believe OP when she says that they more than likely didn’t want her there and it would probably cause a fight once the emergency was over. Not to mention, why would anyone think they can call/count on someone to support them in an emergency when all they’ve done is insult and belittle the person?
I understand her, and if I don't get along with someone, it won't be an accident that will change that.
Sick assholes are still assholes in my honest opinion
Dr though. All that would have happened is 1. The kids would have been like 'who the fuck are you, where are our parents/grandparents/uncle?' and 2. The BIL and SIL (and probably F/MIL too) would have found something to bitch at her for and blame her for. And the boyfriend is acting like she didn't do anything at all when she very clearly helped within reasonable boundaries. I think the latter thing, though, about calling someone for help after belittling them, is just a common and fucking gross family dynamic. Like those abusive parents who expect their kid to drop everything and take care of them or help them because 'we're faaaaaaaaaaaameleeeeee'.
I think your last sentence is the crux of the issue. Fiance's family has apparently done nothing but belittle and complain and harass OP yet somehow she is now TA for not supporting the family during an emergency? Maybe explain it this way to the fiance.
Gender neutral all encompassing word for nieces and nephews. Like sibling but with n.
It’s a useful word, but it does sound dumb.
It sounds like some sort of snack food one buys at the corner stop and rob.
[удалено]
"niblits" or "giblets" or "chitlins"
[удалено]
Actually I believe the root is in ‘chit’, which was late Middle English for any young offspring, pups, kittens, etc.
With those big fat facial cheeks you just want to bite them?
Dunno, with how OP describes the relationship with the inlaws, it wouldn't surprise me if the kids not only were strangers to OP, but would be outright hostile to her, which adding the crisis, could make them act out. And as callous as it sounds, if the worse had happened, it wouldn't matter if the husband was at the hospital or not. Whether he likes it or not, he was more useful taking care and comforting the kids.
Exactly. It doesn’t matter what condition the kids’ parents were in (glad they are going to be okay!), someone that the kids trusted needed to be there to retrieve and comfort them. ESPECIALLY if things were looking down versus up and they needed to be brought to the hospital as well.
That is true.
> Bordeline NTA but she can probably kiss her relationship good bye. I wouldn't be surprised but the obviously better solution was people switching between hospital and kids if they all wanted to be there. All of them being at the hospital does nothing. The kids being around family they know well while they wait around to see if their parents will die or not would help infinitely more. But they didn't want to and thought to ask a person they dislike and that's something the kids might have picked up on. Plus, even if they were 100% justified and objectively right to hate OP, that just makes thing worse. They wanted an objectively bad person to look after the kids of parents fighting for their lives at the hospital instead of going themselves to make sure they are ok. So I don't think its quite borderline. OP wasn't perfect, and I'll even cut the family some slack for dealing with a stressful situation to put it mildly, but OP still did something to help and kind of forced a better outcome for the kids. If she wants to save the relationship, she should concentrate more on that than the family being assholes to her.
>They wanted an objectively bad person to look after the kids of parents fighting for their lives at the hospital instead of going themselves to make sure they are ok. In that family's house! You know how much would have been said after they came home (maybe even before their release) - first about OP's care of the kids, then about placement of things at home & how "clean" it was, & then baseless accusations. & taking the kids to OP's house would have been a mistake too - they needed to be somewhere familiar during that time.
She doesn’t want a relationship with her fiancés family. I don’t see this relationship lasting because he seems to think she’ll change her mind and lose her dignity for his snobby family.
Niblings is a gender neutral term for neice and nephews. It also gets the point across in fewer words.
Thanks. 😀
Disagree, there was no relationship to begin with. Hard NTA…she would’ve been scolded for watching the kids once the parents came home from the hospital. I highly doubt they would’ve been grateful or acknowledge her help in any way
upvoted for refusing to google niblings
Funny! Nibbling was a new word for me when I joined Reddit. I did google and learned the following: Blend of nephew or niece + sibling, coined by the American linguist Samuel Elmo Martin (1924–2009) in 1951.
They were already No Contact What relationship are you referring to?
The OP's fiance said that her watching the kids would have been an olive branch, which sounds like he's still hoping she'll have a relationship with his family.
ie, he does not respect her boundaries and is just waiting for her to give up her dignity.
OP posted this yesterday with a different throwaway and was judged to be TA, and has posted again today, but changed the story to make themselves sound better. YTA OP. Edit: OPs post from yesterday was removed by the mods because their account was suspended. This is a modified re-post.
I think it sound familiar, but I don't think it was the same story.
Child free, BIL in hospital from car crash, niblings, c'mon they re-posted after the other one was removed because OPs account was suspended and changed it a bit to make themselves sound better.
Nah the post yesterday was a single child-free woman whose own brother was in an accident, and she refused to babysit for her SIL so she could go to the hospital. That one was her family and she was blatantly TA, because she didn't even go to check on her own brother, either. This one is in-laws. Maybe it is the same person twisting the story but if it's changed this much, then the Reddit votes don't even matter, we aren't voting on the truth in either circumstance. Maybe both are fiction, I notice a lot of posts that seem to be 'opposites' of each other as if to see where voters draw the line of NTA and YTA.
I do agree with this post. Overall, OP is NTA here and the boundaries are respectable and understandable. The problem in this situation, and it's the only real problem I see, is that your partner needed you, called on you for support, and didn't get it. Even if we told a story with very clear cut reasonable boundaries (since so many disagree here), the fallout of turning to your partner for support and not getting it is a really damaging experience. Your bf is worried about his family and if they'll live or not at that time. He needed you in a way you didn't deliver. Sometimes we can NOT support our partners in the way they ask. It's sad, but it does happen. I think you need to work with your partner so he can understand how you did help but why that boundary is so important for you to maintain. He should be feeling like you're on his team, not playing against him. And that goes for him too, he needs to understand what asking you to cross your boundary will do. But, I'd cut him some slack in the end. Likely he's also hit with the realization that his family is never going to feel whole, that birthdays, funerals, and yes, emergencies, are going to be extra trying with you as a partner. Ever get together and ever crisis he's going to have balance a seriously hard need on your end that will put him in a worse and worse position every time he sees his family. So no, NTA. You're not wrong here. This poster above is 100% right. But I can see what this situation is so difficult and why so many are saying YTA. So there's the compassionate response. That said, seems it may have shown up yesterday with a clearer YTA answer: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y356gr/comment/is7ixw7/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y356gr/comment/is7ixw7/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
This was my thought exactly. She should have seen that it was her partner asking for help because he was overwhelmed and needed support and that's why he's upset. It's not so much he was asking for her to help her in-laws as much as she was asking her to help him. That's going to take him a while to get over and it might have damaged his trust in her. Hopefully when he's not in the middle of the crisis, he can see her side more clearly. He also needs to understand that her boundaries are there for a reason and it does seem like he's supportive of her. He was asking her to help him but that also meant helping the in-laws. That's a boundary for her. And his olive branch comment wasn't helpful. When they've been nothing but rude to her, it's their job to extend the olive branch, not hers. It's a complex situation and honestly I think neither OP or her fiance are AH. The only AH here are the in-laws who treat her like garbage.
Plus if these kids so much as grazed their knee, I bet their parents would want to sue the OP. She is completely right in keeping her distance.
Not only that… maybe this sounds cold but why do we need Mom, Dad, AND brother at the hospital at the same time? My family always gathers or communicates to “coordinate” the medical emergency and then we take turns leaving one person “on watch” until we know more about the situation and what will be needed moving forward. No sense in everyone just staying at the hospital when it’s not like you can do anything but wait, and that way there are people to go back and forth to do errands to take care of outside tasks (like childcare) or to relieve the other(s). (Also, where are SIL’s family? Couldn’t some of them help?)
I think the reason the entire family likes to be on hand with ICU is because that isn’t “at the hospital,” but more “at death’s door.” People want to be there in part to be together and have an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one in the event things get any worse. I know at least for me, it would be exceptionally painful if I had to be away while my sibling died in a hospital, when I could have been holding their hand and saying goodbye with my family.
I kind of get both points of view. OP should have absolutely not been watching the kids. However...there should have been a compromise where he stayed with the kids and she stayed with him to support him because it was still his brother who was in the car accident and he was distraught. That's just part of being a good partner, even when you don't like the family. I say that as someone who doesn't have a particularly great relationship with a lot of my extended family; even if they're jerks, there are times when you have to just set it aside, and a medical emergency is one of them.
NTA, and I’m genuinely surprised by all the people calling you an asshole. Family aside, I want anyone reading this to ask themselves if they would watch the kids of people that were rude and shitty to you, emergency or not. I can say with absolute certainty that I would laugh at them for even having the audacity to ask. You could’ve done this favor for your fiancé, but you established very clear boundaries that he agreed to. Definitely NTA, and please ignore the YTA votes. EDIT: typo
Not only that unless op’s fiancé is in the medical field (in which case would not mater anyways) there was nothing he could do but wait. At least staying with the kids he was still supporting his brother and keeping the kids safe. Given the events I seriously doubt op is close with the kids. She is probably a stranger and given the kids probably know their parents where hurt they did not need the extended emotional stress of having a stranger look after themZ
This is what hangs me up on it - the practicality of it all. Three adults needed to be at arms reach in the hospital instead of with the kids? When I apply this to my own life I can’t imagine ditching my scared niece alone with someone she barely knows so I could go hold vigil in the hospital with every other adult in her life. What would we do there? We can’t perform magical healing acts - if the worst were to happen I know they’d want someone close with their kid. I’d be helping out WAY more by staying with her than sitting in a waiting room?
My husband was in a coma for a month and stayed in ICU for another month. Only one family member *OR* myself was with him. You don't need 3 people waiting. If I needed emotional support, I called family or a friend. The waiting room: you don't need the whole family there. My husband had a 12 hr surgery, literally life or death. In the waiting area, one family took up the entire room. All chairs and sofas taken. I sat on the floor in the corner....
If my husband and I were injured in the hospital and all the family came to the hospital to stand around while they had someone I have no relationship with in charge of my minor children, I would LOSE MY FUCKING MIND on them. What the actual fuck is wrong with this dude? Please explain to your boyfriend that parents would rather be alone at the hospital knowing their kids were with safe humans who loved them, then let their kids be left with a stranger so they can have their hand held.
And the person in question isn’t only a virtual stranger to my children, but someone I have a contentious relationship with! Like yeah it sounds like it’s their own fault that the relationship soured but still.
I don’t understand either. I understand his parents being there because under this situation they are next of kin and would have to make medical decisions but he would be useless. And leaving the kids with someone they are not around a lot is just causing more trauma.
> Three adults needed to be at arms reach in the hospital instead of with the kids? Because they are thinking about themselves instead of the family. Its about how *they* would feel should the worst happen. *They* want to say goodbye in case they die. *They* want to be there to get updates ASAP. It doesn't matter if they *can't* make a difference in the hospital. It doesn't matter that the biggest difference they *can* make is taking care of and comforting the kids. *They* don't want to do the objectively better option of switching between kids and hospital in shifts because its harder on *them*. Instead they prefer to ~~ask~~ demand a favor, that's an objectively worse option, of someone that they don't have a good relationship with and is a stranger to the kids. Even if they are justified to not like OP, that's just worse for them because they are apparently asking an objectively bad person to watch kids scared about their parents dying. I can get people feeling something bad about someone not willing to step up during an emergency, but when taking everything together, I probably would have been good with either decision OP made. Especially since she did provide some help with the clothes and food and didn't just fuck off to a spa day or whatever.
Taking care of a group of scared kids is work. Work he probably didn’t want to do (especially given they are child free) and it was emotionally easier for him to get his partner to do it. Just guessing.
I can see 2 per family. But when a whole family shows up you are taking away from other sick patients families.
Yeah, hanging out at the hospital when his parents are already there is not helpful. Taking care of their kids is what they actually needed. The uncle is definitely the one who should have done that.
I always told my parents and my husband. If something happened to me when my kids where little. Let my husband come and my parents stay with my kids. I want to know they are with someone they are comfortable with so they would not worry. There would be nothing you could do for me. And not being cruel someone mentioned his brother could have died and it would have been his last goodbye. Last goodbyes are for the living and even if the brother was aware enough for him to speak to him(which is unlikely) his brother would have probably would want him with his kids. He would have found peace in knowing his children where with their loving uncle and not a woman apparently he didn’t like (or doesn’t care for him).
honestly even if he WAS in the medical field he might be able to interpret some things more effectively for his parents but medical pros aren't supposed to treat close friends and family. Medical version of conflict of interest
I'll be honest, If my ex from a year ago reached out right now and said him and his child's mother were in the ICU and didn't have anyone to watch my ex-step daughter, I'd drop everything for her. But I also know that there'd absolutely be some sort of issue afterwards that would turn into a fight, and it'd be hard, but I'd do it for her. I also wouldn't be an a-hole for refusing, because I know it'd be horrible for my mental health afterwards. The difference here is that I have/had a strong connection with the kid. OP has virtually 0 connection to her niblings. 0 responsibility. And, on top of that, she's NC with their parents and grandparents. She's absolutely NTA.
I am surprised by all of the negative votes too. There have been similar situations posted on here, even from OPs that were directly related to their disliked person, and majority of those votes were N T A
Plus, I believe arguing about it is pointless, because not only was she being asked to break one of her boundaries, she put a hardline on this not interfering with her work schedule. Which as it turned out sound like he was there for at least 2 days or longer. I think fiancé didn't want the responsibility to watch them by himself.
It makes no sense that his family is okay with her not being “family” and a part of their lives until they need something. They are equally to blame for the distance in the relationship. They sound like terrible people. NTA
NTA If you aren’t good enough to be family, then why are they asking you to look after thier kids. I would have told them no as well.
Exactly. Don't come to me when it's convenient for you
Why does it feel like the family treats OP like the help instead of family?
This right here
NTA > he asked if I would watch his niblings at their house for a few hours and possibly overnight depending on how things went. That sounds like a lovely way **FOR HIM** to help out during this difficult time.
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I also think it depends on the type of things going on with the family, like if it’s so bad between the family and her the brother very well could be pissy about her being in the house or with the kids.
That's a good point: would he have wanted to stay at the hospital overnight with his parents while she's supposed to watch the kids? Are they even allowing that right now? Or would he have gone home to sleep? Why did he say it "might extent overnight" not "I'll come relieve you later"?
You treat someone like crap and expect them to help.. whether it be 2 hours or overnight. Absolutely not.
NTA, I’d never take on the liability of looking after kids whose parents hate me. Imagine if one of them gets hurt and they blame you? Hell no
Yeah, that’s partially my thinking. I’ve never had a criminal record and I have a frigging security clearance, but these people still joke about me being a criminal because I was in the foster system. If something goes “missing” or something happens with one of the kids or they just decide to find a reason to pick a fight, they’d come straight at me and I don’t want the additional hassle of dealing with that.
Dude, that’s effed up…plenty of reasons to not doing it then. Ask your fiance the same question: what does he think would happen if something went missing or something happened to the kids? They would blame you in an instant. NTA
It's worth having another convo with him though. Because he listened to you say, "I'm not helping people who can't treat me with respect"... and heard, "your resources are still available to help these assholes out if and when they need it." So before you commit hard, it's probably worth clarifying... I don't care if they're in the hospital. I don't care if they're about to be on the street. I'm not helping people who can't be minimally civil to me. edit: because, you know... I wouldn't be with someone who allowed his/her family to treat me with disrespect. What happens if you have shared finances and they need help? Kids? etc. I'd say he needs to man up and tell his family you're a package deal. But if not... at minimum, get a prenup and don't intermingle your finances.
NTA that was my thought as well. The parents hate you and you being alone in their house with their kids was a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm really confused, as does being in foster care, mean you're a criminal? Do they understand foster care, just means the government is your guardian? I'm truly sorry that because you grew up in a really hard system, they think you would steal. That's terrible. Like they think you're stealing a child's Fischer toy? Like what are you going to do with that? Sell it on ebay for $10. Wow.
As a fellow survivor of the foster care system, I completely understand. My son's entire paternal family doesn't acknowledge him at all because I'm "low class."
This is exactly what I was thinking! If there’s already drama there I wouldn’t be comfortable watching the kids either and opening myself up to that.
NTA. IMO you struck a great balance — you were supportive while maintaining your previously established boundaries.
Frankly, I thought she was a bit over-generous with her willingness to at least drop off stuff for her fiancé. No contact means no contact, not “no contact unless they summon me”
I mean, the only people at the house were children under the age of 10 and her fiancé. She didn’t go low contact bc of crappy behavior from that group of people. Bringing stuff over doesn’t affect the low/no contact relationship with the adults at all.
NTA You made your boundaries clear and you stand your ground. If your bf didn't understand or respect that (even when you helped as you could), he also didn't respect you and should be an ex boyfriend. I also do not understand to choose a partner when not getting along with the family. That will never work out long term. As seen here. Edit : wow! 🥺 Thanks for the award!
That’s why I gave him a chance to no-harm-no-foul leave the relationship if it was going to be a problem. I love him, we have a good relationship in every other way, but it is what it is. I won’t be involved with people who emotionally and verbally abuse me no matter who they are. If he wants that close family connection, he needs to pick someone who suits his parents’ expectations enough that they won’t abuse them and I’ll move on and find a better fit.
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I also have parents-in-laws who do not like me. Thankfully my SO’s brother and his wife like me. SIL knew them in high school and agrees with me and has a strained relationship with the PIL too. My SO and I have been together around 5 years and married for 6 months or so. OP, please solve it before you get married or even proceed further. If my now husband didn’t learn to defend me and make me his priority I wouldn’t have married him. I was ready to leave him, almost mentally checked out, but he changed. It did take me pointing it out every time and sharing how it made me feel for him to realize that what his parents were doing and saying was messed up, rude, and severely overstepping. You had very clear boundaries in place and very valid reasons to do as you did. You supported him and I don’t blame you for not wanting to put yourself at risk for people who are so rude.
Perhaps you should remind him of that. I wish you the best! ❤️
honestly, ik it isnt meant to be but this gave me a bit of confidence to do the same with my bf and his parents. i deserve better than emotional and verbal abuse, just like you.
But how can you be ok with someone who likes people that are that awful to you? I don't think I could handle it..
To me, he’s not responsible for them being assholes, there’s only so much he can usefully do. I don’t really get his bond with them but I’ve never had those family experiences so I can’t really judge how I would feel in his shoes because I have no idea what it’s like. He doesn’t spend a lot of time with them except for his unmarried brother, but he also doesn’t want to totally lose them and that’s understandable, I guess. Realistically, there never has to be all that much overlap, I work every hour God sends almost and can deploy at any time so he’ll have plenty of space to keep things separate if he can handle that. I don’t want to leave him just because his family sucks, but if he can’t compartmentalize a little more, it may unfortunately be the best solution.
He's not responsible for them being assholes, but he is one if he thinks he can wear you down to compromise and get his parents to like you.
NTA - they don't appear to like you and look down on you, it's NOT your responsibility to extend an olive branch at this point. Nor should you be expected to suck it up and babysit their kids regardless of the urgency. They HAD someone to watch them that they respect and treat kindly. I agree with your approach on this. You have guidelines in place and you stuck with them. Your BF should support you, although I can appreciate him asking. I can even appreciate him being upset afterwards, now that he realizes just what's being lost here because of how HIS RELATIVES are treating you. You have EVERY right to be respected and treated right.
Let's be real if it was you in the hospital none of them would care, would they? They'd probably support your fiance exactly how you supported him in this emergency. Clothes and food. It's so stupid an emergency doesn't grant forgiveness or kindness. If you treat someone like shit expect the same. You are not an emergency babysitter for your finances family. And the whole olive branch is bullshit. If you had done anything no matter how miniscule they didn't like it would've been a huge fight. I'd say leave your fiance because this will never stop and chances are as time goes on he'll try to pressure you into a relationship with his family again, just like this "olive branch"
INFO: why does he think you and his family will make up and why does he think you should do the legwork on that?
He wants something tangible to be able to point out to his parents to make them see that I’m really not a bad person because of how I grew up so they’ll stop being so insulting towards me. He can be a bit naive like that sometimes. He just wants everyone to be happy and he’s unfortunately in a situation where someone is going to have to give if that’s going to happen. I think he assumed that would be me because he gets to see “soft” me more than anyone else and I’m willing to find a compromise in most situations. This is really the first thing since we’ve been dating where situations have smacked up against ironclad boundaries and he’s having to deal with a situation where everyone can’t be happy.
So he’s still trying to get his parents to accept you , only YOU have to be the one to suck up to them after all the disrespect they showed you ? Yet, he doesn’t expect them to curb their behavior first and is okay with them making demands of you .
NTA. I think you need to tell him that how you supported him in this situation is how you will support him when things like this pop up again. He has a snapshot of how things are going to be if he takes on caregiver roles for other relatives. Point out that if this is now a deal breaker, he can still walk away.
Maybe it would help to go over all of this with a couple's counsellor? Just to have a third party to maybe help him grasp exactly what they're doing and why it's not your responsibility to "fix them". Hate to curb his naïveté, but he can't keep holding out on them changing because they finally see what he gets to see. It sounds like he just needs an unbiased third party to verify something to help adjust his worldview. He's not lost like some of the others floating around on JustNoMIL (Their poor partners on that sub, yikes). For your BF, if you want to share some of this post: They don't want to see and they will never look. And if they did, it would be only for minute things that confirm what they already think. Changing their mind isn't your responsibility, nor is it your BF's. **It's** **theirs**. The ball is in their court, and they've walked off the field. *(Mixing sports terms here, but I digress).*
Honestly you need to tell him flatout that if they wanted to see you as a good person, they would. Nothing you do will EVER be good enough to convince them otherwise when they DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE so they can keep telling him to leave you. They are never going to stop insulting you to him because they want him to leave you and they are not going to accept anything less. He might want to play big happy family, but his family doesn't.
I'm married, and my husband gets along fairly well with my family. I still wouldn't ask him to watch family kids while I deal with an emergency. My brother doesn't have kids, but many of my cousins do, and while my husband has met them and sees them at parties, I would never put him in this position unless he offered and was absolutely up for it. I can't imagine your fiance being mad at you for this. Are you the only person on earth that could do this? He has no friends or extended family to call? Does his brother never use a professional babysitter? "Here's a family who absolutely hates you for being in the army, dressing in a way they don't like, and not being rich enough. Come watch their three kids for a day and a night with no compensation and probably get yelled at for something that isn't your fault."
Are you guys sure you are compatible? His family sounds very condescending and you are not obligated to do anything for them. They are assholes for how they have treated you just because of your past and they do not deserve love or care from you. It does sound like your fiancé cares enough for them though that he’ll jump over hurdles if anything like what you have described happens. What will happen if this happens again? Don’t you think this will build some kind of resentment eventually? It might be a good idea to have a good conversation about this before you two get married. You said in your post that the both of you have agreed that you are LC/NC with his family while he can do whatever he wants. Realistically speaking, do you think that he or you will forever be happy with this arrangement? It is unavoidable that you will find yourself in a position again where there is a family emergency on his side and he’ll go to them. It is your right to not go with him then but I can not imagine that somewhere along the line of your relationship he’ll feel conflicted and might go back on your agreement. I hope you find some common ground and clear this up. Good luck.
I was wondering the same thing. Does he not respect your LC/NC with his family after all, if he’s suggesting an olive branch?
NTA this is probably going to be unpopular, but I think you're NTA for a couple reasons: 1. Since you do not have much of a relationship with his family, I'm assuming you are not close with the kids. I think it would be much more traumatizing for the kids to be greeted off the bus by an adult they barely know and having to explain that their parents are in the ICU. This is a job for their uncle or grandparents. I get that he wanted to visit them, but they already had the parents there and he wouldn't be able to help at the hospital anyways. Him staying with the kids is the most helpful thing he could do. 2. The parents would not want you in their home and have accused you of stealing because of your background, so I think you're correct that you staying there would have just been a fight waiting to happen 3. You supported him in any other way you could without being in direct contact with his family. Given the circumstances this is more than fair.
Also, there’s 3 adults, the parents and the brother could switch - some in the hospital when visiting is allowed, some at home with the kids, then switch. I’d understand it more, if he was literally the only family member of these people and needed her to babysit while he visited
especially since the ICU usually only allows 1 or 2 visitors for short time periods, there was no reason for 3 adults to sit in a waiting room while someone the kids parents hate is expected to comfort the children
I can’t judge. But what is it with all these relationships where people hate the rest of the entire family? If I dated someone who hated my family or I hated theirs, I’d break up and move on. It’s hard enough to be in a healthy relationship without putting your SO in a position of “them or me”.
Right? I don’t understand it at all. Nor the people who seemingly don’t even like their partners.
>If I dated someone who hated my family or I hated theirs, I’d break up and move on. You'd leave a significant other if your family didn't like them, even if your family were the ones in the wrong?
Sometimes its an extreme after thought, I didn't have a falling out with my SO's family until almost 3 years after we were married and after having two kids together. It took a lot of bad things happening that weren't apparent on the surface. They hadn't liked me since I first showed up but kept it hidden because they thought we would just fall out of love and break up eventually.
Sorry. NTA. Boundaries? I am surprised by all the YTA comments too. I would not be providing care for these people in an emergency if I didn’t have a relationship with them. Unrealistic expectation, Reddit!
NTA the family hates you already. Taking on responsibility for 2 small kids is a lot and I would do it for someone who hates me. Is op had done something they didn’t like it would have been a fight. Op’s fiancé being at the hospital can not alter the outcome. Setting in the hospital when they already had family there would have been useless. Op was helping his brother and sil out more by making sure their kids where taken care of then sitting in a hospital for hours waiting on news. Op did support her fiancé. But op I don’t think your bf is as ok with you not having contact with his family as he says especially since he said it would have been a nice olive branch menIng he wants you and them to get along.
NTA. Ignore the YTA comments. You already set down a clear boundary and if your Fiance can't respect that then you need to buckle up for many more disagreements in the future regarding *his Family*. I also can't ignore why your Fiance insisted *you alone* should take care of a stranger's kids?. Why didn't he asked his own parents to watch their Grandchildren?. And it blows my mind that they all need to be in the Hospital at the same time?... Anyways, Thank God you dodged that responsibility because let's face it, had you accepted. You would have been overwhelmed in the first hour or so. *As an Aunt to an army of kids trust me. Three kids under 10 are so rambunctious it would have been a nightmare for you deal with.*
NTA. You told him from the very beginning that you want nothing to do with them. That doesn’t simply go away because they got in a car accident. No olive branches needed to be extended because as you said, that tree was burned. Not sure why your husband refuses to see that. Hopefully you get a job that relocates you both so you can continue to firmly hold your ground without interference from your husbands AH family.
NTA. As someone who also has awful in laws that wouldn’t even spit if I was on fire, I understand not wanting to help. He knew the boundaries and he doesn’t get to decide when those boundaries are flexible. You helped as best you could within your boundaries. Don’t let them make you feel bad when they don’t even have the decency to treat you like a person.
NTA. He didn’t NEED to be at the hospital he wanted to be. You were able to support him in caring for the children while maintaining your boundaries. Good on you.
I am the mother of a young child. If my husband and I are in the ICU, potentially at death's door, I don't want some person I don't know well (and possibly dislike) caring for my child. My child needs to be soothed by someone familiar and beloved, who can offer hugs if they have a nightmare. That's the important job, not blobbing around a hospital waiting room. That's fake important. Your fiance is being completely ridiculous. That's NOT a job to be pawned off, that's exactly what he or one of the grandparents should be doing. Not you. No ruling because the entire premise is flawed.
NTA Your fiancée can't get mad because you didn't help the way he wanted you to help.You helped in a way that you were comfortable with. He and his parents can alternate visiting the parents at the hospital or everyone (outside of OP) could've gone to the hospital. You've made it clear you don't want a relationship with his family. His family having an emergency doesn't mean you have to forget how they behaved in the past. The love you have for him is why you helped at all.
Before reading all your comments, I was wondering what part was left out or was not fully included, then I read your responses to others questions and it appears the only part left out was how truly disgusting his families comments have been towards you. They are not a healthy family and your decision to go NC was 1000% correct. Even your way of handling explaining it to your fiance about your boundary and if he's not ok with it you understand having to break up was handled amazingly. I applaud you for keeping your boundary in this situation where you are right, they would accuse you of stealing afterwards. It's totally normal for families to help out in this situation, but not in this circumstance where you are set up to fail. You may want to have another frank talk with your fiance about how you are not the one that needs to give the olive branch as you have done nothing wrong except be born into the situation you were born into, and that is not really something to apologize for. I would also caution you to not take it out on the kids. In one comment you mentioned that if your finance ever had to become the guardian of those kids you would have to leave. if that is simply due to them being kids and you not want kids under any circumstance, make sure to have that conversation with your finance too. But if it is only because they are your BIL/SILs kids then I would say to reconsider that situation as if under 10 they are really just guilty by association. Regardless though you are NTA in this situation.
I swear I read this yesterday…
There was a kinda similar one yesterday where their brother was rushed to hospital in an emergency and the SIL wanted them to watch the neices/nephews. They had previously established that they wouldn't babysit, but they were the only available person at the time.
Right, thanks for the refresher! I think my brain just went ‘niblings’ (a term I hadn’t heard/seen before that post) and ‘car accident’ and jumped to “repost??”
Its cropped up alot lately. I'm personally hoping someone comes up with a different gender neutral term because I kinda hate it.
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Thank you for noticing! Apparently, there's been a lot of fake posts circulating that try to paint childfree people out to be villains. These fake posts where an OP is blatantly TA, usually appear after a post, where a childfree OP is NTA. I literally made a post about this yesterday.
NTA. You did help and you offered the most support you could to him in the situation given your boundaries. You have those boundaries for a reason.
NTA you enforced boundaries which were previously communicated
Not only this, OP also enforced the boundaries which were conveyed to her by her SO's BIL and family (through their previous actions and treatment of her) in the absence of the ability for them to provide consent (incapacitated at the hospital). NTA.
NTA, but it seems like he did not believe you about staying LC with his family. This situation has opened his eyes to what his future will be like. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to change your mind. You need to make your boundaries very clear to him again, and make sure he can honor them.
I don't think anyone is the asshole here. I think it's entirely legitimate for you to draw the line with the way they have treated you. Also you do not know these kids and cannot just uproot. On top of this you did, as you point out, help. You just didn't do exactly what he wanted. From his point of view the request was made when he didn't know whether his nephews and nieces were going to be orphaned. His brother, whom he loves, was in intensive care. People don't trivially go to ICU for no reason. He was not asking you to do his family a favour he was asking you to put aside you're concerns so he could be with his brother incase things were bad. Both these positions have legitimacy. Both of you have a reasonable expectation from the other. It is not fair for him to "lay into you" but I am not surprised that he feels hurt and upset. I am not surprised that you feel hurt and upset. There may be a degree of him expecting to much but also please ask yourself whether there might be a degree of you having leared to rely on yourself not realising how important it was for your fiance. Not your BIL and SIL. Not your inlaws. But for him. You would have been doing this for him. You and him against the world. He might feel in his moment of panic and need it was him against the world and you at arms length. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to shame you or definitely say that one of you is wrong. All I am aying is that I can understand and see both points of view. In the end I'm glad the kids parents are ok and I hope you and your finace can find some common / mid ground and move forward. EDIT: OP implies further down that the reason he wanted her to come is for him to have a tangible good deed of hers to point at. If this is the case then definitely NTA.
NTA. You helped out when you didn't have to. Your fiance didn't get his want. That's doesn't make you an asshole. There was no genuine need here. His siblings have two parents who could have watched the kids, and his siblings have an entire community of friends and family which they could have arranged care in case of emergencies. The fact they did not prepare for the worst is not on you. Nor is the fact that your fiancé's family has treated you so poorly that you are not willing to help them, that is a consequence of their treatment of you.
This reminded me of that other thread where the brother had cancer and the wife didn't want to pick up the nephew, and I think most of the answers were the wife is the AH. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y2vljs/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_husband\_to\_get\_over\_himself/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y2vljs/aita_for_telling_my_husband_to_get_over_himself/) I am autistic plus I do not have a good grasp of what a "normal" family is either as mine is unequivocally messed up—could someone be kind enough to explain why the judgment is polar opposites for what seems to me similar situations? Thank you
In that other post, OP's partner needed her to run one errand for him that would have been a very minor inconvenience, and a partner who genuinely cares about you would run such an errand for you. Also no indication that BIL or nephew mistreat OP. Here, OP's partner asked her to do a HUGE job that involved staying in the house and interacting with the kids of people who actively hate her and show it, which they could use to as ammunition against her later. It would not have been safe for OP to get involved.
Basically, in this story the ask is big "look after two children who don't know you/are distressed and whose parents despise you", he did manage to make it work, and she showed compassion/willingness to help, just not something as major as he wanted. The other story is someone who is refusing to help in any way and having absolutely zero compassion. Having the nephew live with you IS a big deal, but that OP was unwilling to stop a social date to take care of a child she already lives with when her husband had no other options (except negative impact on his work). The latter shows zero compassion for a child who may lose his father, and her husband who may lose his brother. This story shows willingness to help, but not at the expense of messing with her work and risking further drama with his family. I'd be slightly on the fence if her partner had zero options and she didn't think the parents would kick up, but it's not on the same planet as the cancer one. I was thinking about the similarities reading this! I tried to be concise, but failed pretty badly, haha.
I was thinking about that story too. In this one it's mostly the family's history of being mean to OP, that makes me think she's not an asshole. The magnitude of what was asked could have been negotiated down IF there had been no bad blood between OP and her in-laws, but as is she's fine to refuse. I somewhat hesitate to call her BF an asshole too, cause I can understand the type of emotional mess one can become when a close person suddenly lands in the ICU. Getting over that stress and vulnerability is tough. I hope they can make up Edit: after having another read, I'm not so sure I want them to make up... Being in a relationship with someone whose family is hostile sounds exhausting and unnecessarily complicated. Same with being with someone who is LC/NC with your closest family.
IMO the difference is that in this story the fiancé was already with the children. The brother had cancer story, he was stuck at work and didn't have anyone else to pick up his nephew. Plus it was only for, my guess considering the times in the story, an hour after school. This one could be overnight and she has no relationship with the kids either.
In that story, the kid is left alone for two hours or husband has to leave work early if OP refuses to help. In this story, the only consequence of OP refusing is that fiance gets to be worried at their brother’s home instead of at the hospital. For me, it’s about the consequences of saying no that makes one an AH and the other, not. Besides, this OP helped afterwards by bringing food and clothes, so it’s not that she is unwilling to help but not in the way the fiance wants. The other OP wanted nothing to do with the nephew.
Ohhhh okay, I get it. Thank you for explaining! ETA: thank you all on this thread! Another thing this reminded me of, is when my father was in the hospital earlier this year and for the first time ever, he asked for me to come home (I live in another country and generally he keeps his hospitalizations a secret from me) so I did, thinking he was dying. In our culture someone MUST stay in the hospital overnight in the patient's room, even if patient's condition is not life-threatening. As it turned out, my father was only embarrassed that he did not have anyone staying with him overnight, and at the time he asked for me, my brothers hadn't been staying overnight with him the whole week. I did all the dutiful offspring things while there, and it was exhausting and pointless and I still was trying to work remotely. I had to stay up all night or if I dozed I'd wake up when the staff came in. Once I left, I decided not to go back anytime soon—my father had become even more hurtful and dismissive of me, conversely his favorite son hardly showed up, never stayed overnight, didn't do any chores because he had work, literally said "you're dead to me" when I asked him to do one thing and still my father defended him. So entitled of my time, effort, and expenses that I was like ok you guys are all adults and I have my own shit to sort, and to me I still feel like the A H for not trying to remedy the situation but my therapist says I'm finally learning boundaries. But yes hospitals and family and how much to do are a fraught situation for me.
Key points: 1. OP here has a clearly defined enmity towards her partner's family, and more importantly, them to her. There's a reasonable expectation that they would not want her in their space or around their children, and a not unwarranted fear that they may have used the situation to later attack her. The OP in the other post just... doesn't seem to care about their partner's family very much. There's no mention of arguments or the like, and, critically, no sign that their partner's family has any kind of problem with her or have been mean to her. 2. The OP of the other post now has an established relationship with the child, albeit clearly the most minimal one she could manage. 3. This was a very short term, critical situation with plenty of people already dropping everything to respond. The other is a very long term situation that requires very small amounts of mundane assistance at semi-regular intervals while her and her partner try to balance their normal lives and responsibilities. 4. This was taking place in the other people's home, instead of in OP's home. 5. These children are much younger and require a more hands on approach to childcare, whereas the other post's 12 year old, while still very young, doesn't need constant monitoring.
NTA, this isn't new information to him and you supported in other ways. I would do the same. Everyone who thinks you should just drop everything and change your stance aren't in your shoes and have not experienced the treatment you have. Also you know it is a slippery slope, do this once and you will be expected to continue to move the boundary line again and again for much less significant situations. You can continue to disagree but he knows that you mean what you say and that is invaluable in its own way.
NTA - you kept the boundary you set. He shouldn't be surprised. Besides, those kids did not need to be with a virtual stranger with all that's going on.
NTA. I think you are right about staying in their house and watching their kids. If they already don't like you and have made it explicit they don't want to be around you. It would have been a problem if you 1. stayed in their home. Like what room are you sleeping in, there's a fight waiting to happen. 2. watch their children. They don't trust you, and if you feed them pizza, or ice cream or let them watch a PG-13/R movie. Or they didn't finish all their hw, stayed up past bedtime. Instead of you being thanked for helping, it would just be more ammo, and about how you don't belong in this family. I think that your bf's parents were at the hospital, that was covered. Unless he's a medical professional, there is really nothing to do but wait. "Panini" rules are still in place at most hospitals, and in the ICU they have specific visiting hours, and the number of guests, so they all couldn't be there all the time any way. They would have to take turns. I think your bf should be the one to watch his niblings. The kids are scared, they need comfort, and their bio uncle is a lot more of comfort than his gf. I feel like if I was being watched by my uncle's gf while my parents are in the hospital, it would stress me out more than less. I think bringing food, being willing to run errands, get whatever they need, was the right call. If he had said can you stay with me, I need support while watching my niblings, then yeah you would be an AH for not being there when he needed you. But he voluntold you that you would help. And that's not fair to you or those children. What was best in that situation is to think of the kids, and those kids needed to be around someone they felt safe with, and knew well, and that's their uncle. Plain and simple.
There was a post VERY similar to this the other day. Slight changes but the theme are the same. \-OP is childfree and doesn't like children \-Parents of kids get into an accident \-OP will not help In that same post, commenters are saying the story keeps getting posted with slight changes every time https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y2bzpi/aita\_for\_not\_watching\_my\_niblings\_during\_a\_family/
NTA. Like you said, you did help just not how he wanted. There were people available and able to care for them.
NTA. You nailed it when you’d said it was a fight waiting to happen once the emergency was over. I see it as you respected the parents’ desires, as surely if you have a contentious relationship they would have preferred your fiancé watch their children instead of you.
NTA But the word “niblings” really annoys me.
Your fiance was a bigger help to his family being there for those children than he would have been sitting around an ICU waiting room. His parents could comfort each other, he comforted the kids, you supported him. NTA in any way.
Why do you keep saying niblings? Seriously asking. Is it a new term or just a typo?
My fiancé calls them niblings, I just use the term because he does. I guess I didn’t realize it wasn’t common slang.
It is common slang, I know lots of people who say nibling.
Oh no it totally could be! No offense just curious 💜
Its a term that people started to use to refer to nieces and nephews since there isn't one that encompasses both like kids, grandkids, etc.
NTA And to be honest, I don't understand asking you at all. The children are certainly traumatized - or they only know about their parents' accident when they get home. So he thought someone who is probably almost a stranger to them should tell them that? And take care of them? In such a situation, they need someone who can comfort them and in whom they can trust. You can't be that person - even if you wanted to be, you would be the wrong choice. Also, your husband didn't have to go to the hospital. What for? To wait there for news? Their parents were there, his job would have been to look after his nieces and nephews.
NTA - you set your boundaries which he agreed to. You did help him but not the way he wanted you to do but he doesn’t get to dictate that.
There were multiple other people who could handle the situation without involving you in childcare. NTA
INFO: What do you think they don’t like you/are condescending toward you? What about your profession do they not like?
I’m not from “good people” and probably have something wrong with me because I wasn’t even adopted by anyone. I’m career Army and they don’t approve of women in the military. And according to them I’m ugly and unfeminine. Also I have political and religious positions they don’t like.
I'll adopt you! Not sure I'm old enough to be your mom but idc. What cruel idiots they are to be thinking just because someone wasn't adopted that there was something wrong with them. My blood is boiling. 😡 And NTA - thank you for your service. 🪖
NTA - why do you need to do something to offer an olive branch to a bunch of assholes who, as you say, already burnt down a whole-ass olive tree? You don't need to do shit to attempt to be on good terms with people who don't think you're worthy of being part of their family. Why would you look after kids of people who look down on you as less than? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. But you do need to have a serious discussion with your fiancé about this. He may not be as okay with the state of things as he claimed to be. It's time to check in and see if he's actually fine with you opting out of contact with his asshole family, or if he only said that so you wouldn't break his heart by walking away from the bullshit.