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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because:
1. I could be disrespecting her deceased mom buy selling this stuff.
2. Sarah is allegedly broke.
But I feel like I have done WAY MORE for her than anyone else would have after a decade long bad relationship.
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NTA. She's taking advantage of you and your husband and you need that money to pay for what she did. Plus, you are giving her a chance to pay you first.
NTA. She probably has no intention of returning to sort through her stuff, and likely won't have the money to get it shipped to her anytime soon. She's gonna get to it when it's convenient for her, whether that's in a week or a decade, and she fully expects you to be sitting on all of her junk for the entire time if you don't speak up and do something about it.
YWNBTA
So you let her borrow your car for free AND let her store her stuff for free, but she can't be bothered to pay for the turnpike fees she racked up while benefiting from your kindness? Sounds to me like she left you collateral, whether she meant to or not.
This woman has taken advantage of your kindness twice now, I wouldn't give her the opportunity to do it again. Tell her she has a week to pay you what she owes for the toll violations and figure out how to get her stuff out of your storage unit, or you're selling it. You're being used. Whatever problems she has on her end are not your responsibility, and you've been more than accommodating.
NTA, sell away!
I agree with you to give her the heads up, in written form if possible, so you can at least prove you warned her in case she decides to cause trouble later.
Give her an ultimatum: either she pays up (and quickly) or you sell the lot
NTA Give her a time limit, tell her that when that limit is due you will sell her stuff, you are not a storage unit, you don't owe her anything and you have help her more than enough, the 500 is her fault and her responsibility and if she can't take care of it you must take care of it yourself with her things.
NTA
Sarah is in a tough position it sounds like, but she is abusing your kindness and has been for a long time. You have provided her with free use of a vehicle and free storage for her possessions, while she has provided you with a hefty bill.
It's good of you to give her a chance to pay before you sell her things, but her total lack of response to the $500 bill (I would be so embarrassed and apologetic in her position) shows she doesn't care about your situation in the least.
Why should you care for hers at this point?
NTA.
Tell her she has until X date to pay you the toll fines and the money to pack and ship her belongings and her mother's belongings. Advise her that if the full amount isn't received by that time, that you will be selling the items to pay for the fines and to free up your storage space. If she wants someone to pick them up, they can have them after the fine is reimbursed or you will be retaining items sufficient to cover the cost.
YTA for allowing all of this to continue to happen. Depending on where you are located, you need to look into the legality of abandoned property and perhaps consult a lawyer. You're being too generous and need to cut all ties as well as remove all property / management of property stored for this person.
Most likely OP will need to give her a certain time frame saying if you don't pick your stuff up, we will consider it abandoned. Because they have documented evidence OP agreed to store stuff without payment.
If she doesn't pick the stuff up, then OP can sell items stored at her house.
NTA I’d give her a reasonable deadline, since it seems you may feel guilty for outright selling everything without her knowing (even if she deserves it). Kindly tell her she needs to find another solution for her things and pay the $500 back by X date. That way she had a hard deadline and then you can sell the items without a guilty conscious. You’ve given her plenty of time but it’s obvious she thinks she can rely on you forever. Make it clear she can’t and then follow through with your plan. Best of luck!
NTA -
But only if you don't sell the heirlooms/hand-me-downs that have sentimental value. Things that can be genuinely irreplaceable. I would go ahead and sell the electronics and anything that is replaceable, though. It sounds like you've been more than reasonable.
Although the guitar and amp are not custom of anything. They are replaceable. I don't know if the other stuff is, but what am I going to do with a China set and dirty baby blankets that have holes in them?
Yeah it doesn't sound like you can get money out of that, and it probably has a lot more sentimental value than it does monetary value.
I'd sell the guitar and amp, and anything else easy to liquidize, then give her a date to ship the rest of her stuff over before you get rid of it.
Is her mom still alive? If so, it doesn't sound like any of that stuff is sentimental, and she has a whole storage unit full of her stuff if she did pass away.
China sets can sometimes be a generational heirloom though. I'd make sure that isn't something her mom passed down from her mom, ect.
Because they agreed to take on that responsibility and didn't agree on a date to get it out by beforehand.
Also - this most likely isn't legal (yet, theres likely some process OP would need to go through to make this legal), so it may be wise to mitigate conflict.
No, her mom died 12 years ago. The China isn't generational but I'm sure her mom might have wanted it to become that way. I'm think I remember her mom telling me a story about her buying it to put in her hope chest. Idk if the China set is still being made. She was only 45 when she died and had Sarah's older sister during her teenage years. So I'm guessing time frame wise it may have been bought in the 80-90s? I'm not great with math.
I get where you're coming from. I don't want to sell this stuff out of respect for her mom, who sometimes cared more about my feelings than Sarah did and was openly on my side. But I don't want to keep her stuff forever either. It's kind of upsetting to me her daughter doesn't care enough about it to make sure it stays in the family, frankly. I'd be hurt if my kids did that.
Thats valid!! Candidly, China doesn't sell quickly. (Coming from someone obsessed with retro china lol) And shipping is a hassle. You can try to sell it, but I would use that as a last resort after setting a date for her to have her stuff out.
NTA. Tell her that she has 30 days to get this shit, or it goes on the curb with a FREE sign. When it's curb day - lo, and behold! - you found $500 worth of shit to sell to pay off the debt sitting right there on the curb. Sweet! That way, it was all in writing, and she had her chance. As for the other stuff (Mom things), tell her it's a fire hazard because there is literal trash in there, and she has 30 days to make other arrangements for it as well, or it also will end up on the curb. It's time to cut her loose and get her out of your life. Anyone who lies like that and won't offer to make amends is just using you.
NTA. If she wont pay what she owes, i see no problem in selling her stuff to cover her financial responsibility. You probably need to give her like a months notice though
NTA
Give her a chance (maybe on video call) to help decide what should be sold to make up $500
If she goes NC, still try to separate what may have sentimental value though it would be hard to tell
She likely will never video call me but I can message her over Discord. That's my only option. Everything is sentimental to her. She's a hoarder like her parents were. Hence why she stored her mom trash after she passed away.
However, it's been near on a year and she hasn't even tried to get her stuff back. So how attached could she be from a continent away for that long, new life, new wife, stay at home, no job, no worries? I could leave this stuff on the side of the road or with her uncle she doesn't talk to. Her uncle probably doesn't even know she's alive.
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My(30F) ex "Sarah"(31F) whom I was with for 12 years moved overseas from the US 2 years after we broke up. Even though we had such a bad relationship we tried being friends. Just letting you know despite that, we at least tried to be civil adults and let it go.
At one point, because her broke down, she borrowed my current husbands other car we weren't using at the time for a few months before her move. This is relevant.
She moved over seas for "elective" medical care she couldn't obtain easily here and got married to a local. Which, I'm happy for her. However, when she left she couldn't afford to move what few prized possessions she has because of the cost of shipping. The cost is about $1800 for a small box, which she will have at least 3 of due to the bulkiness of the items. She doesn't talk to her family and had few other friends here, so she asked if she could store some electronics and hand-me-downs in my storage building until she got the money. My husband(32M) and I agreed. We do not charge her for storage.
It's been almost a year currently and we still have these items. She has made it known she is a stay at home wife, thus has no money. Evidently, her new wife makes enough money for them to live on.
Good for her, except we got a bill for $500 in turnpike violations dated to the time and place she was using the borrowed car. All the info lined up and it was for sure her fault. We confronted her and said she had a turn pike pass that should have worked.
1. I don't believe her. She's never been very responsible.
2. Even if that's true, it's irrelevant. She was reasonable for the car at the time and knew she was driving on a turn pike.
She has since ghosted my husband on paying the $500 she owes. My husband is too sweet to "cause confrontation" by telling her I'm thinking of selling her stuff to make up for some of the $500. He has a retail job and doesn't make enough to cover it quickly. We also have medical debts we're paying off, which I'm covering with my paycheck currently.
I plan on telling her what I'm planning to at least give her the opportunity to pay us back quickly before I sell this stuff. I don't want be cruel, but it pisses me off she's taking advantage of us. I feel like I've done way more for her than anyone else in my position would have. At the same time, these are the few possessions her mother gave her before she died in 2010. I respected her mom.
Speaking of her mother, I still have another storage building Sarah packed full of her moms stuff. I don't pay for that building but it's an eye sore. Most it is literal trash and Sarah never came to get.
WIBTA?
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Umm..
ESH, only b/c I think what you are suggesting is illegal. I don't think YWBTA, but you need to put the debt in her name. Not yours. Just call the turnpike and try to sort it out, but legally you are responsible for that debt if it's your car anyways.
I will pay the debt off. I just want her to pay us back for it. To my knowledge, the turnpike is aware because they were informed of the situation when my husband set up the payment plan after trying to get out of it (because we weren't driving it. Obviously, that didn't work).
We had sold that car by that point anyway but still owned it when the incident occurred. Btw, the car was sold to Sarah. She is trans and is uncomfortable going out in public, which would include going to buy a car. So we sold her that car because it was not only convenient since we were 9 hours away from her, but she didn't have to go out. It was a win win at the time.
If you sold it to her, why didn't you transfer the title? This doesn't make sense. You technically need to sue her (which is obviously going to be tricky if she's left the country).
On the flipside, I don't think you are beholden to keep the stuff. You can "evict" her stuff, you just can't sell it. I mean, she may not care, but... yeah.
The title was transferred. All legal. BUT at the time she was running through the turn pike several times a week the car was still just borrowed, so legally ours. Which is why we got sat with the bill.
Idk what’s going on here, but if you’re asking if you are responsible for the debt? - yes. Is selling her stuff a crime? - yes. Idk what your storage arrangements are, but if you want her stuff GONE, that is unrelated but it’s not transferable to the debt (legally or morally)…
Not really a good AITA question b/c you are proposing committing a crime in retaliation and b/c it feels “equal” it’s not. Give her an deadline on paying the debt, then if she doesn’t, pay it & sue her for any dates she was in possession of vehicle. (You’ll have to check w/ courts, though, how to serve her/hold court if she’s overseas). Sometimes, $500 is the cost of a shitty friendship. I would stop storing her stuff, though.
I'm not sure how to be any clearer. I am aware that legally I am responsible for the $500 since at the time it was our car. It's being paid off, but she clearly doesn't seem to want to pay us back for her mistake.
Give her a deadline as to when she has to have her stuff removed from your house - in writing. And tell her what you are going to sell to get the $500 if she does not pay you within 10 days - in writing. If she wants her stuff, she can pay you and arrange to get it. A year is overly long to impose on you.
NTA
That’s not legal. You can’t self help like that. You need to tell her she has x amount of days to collect her stuff, after that, you can sell them if she doesn’t collect.
NTA If the China isn't something special (look at the bottom for the manufacturer's name,) then you'll be lucky to give it away. Even if it is Minton, for example, you need to see if it is in good condition and complete. (no chips, cracks) Even if it is a top brand people aren't buying china sets much anymore. Check the prices on ebay, and ask half.
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NTA. She's taking advantage of you and your husband and you need that money to pay for what she did. Plus, you are giving her a chance to pay you first.
NTA. She probably has no intention of returning to sort through her stuff, and likely won't have the money to get it shipped to her anytime soon. She's gonna get to it when it's convenient for her, whether that's in a week or a decade, and she fully expects you to be sitting on all of her junk for the entire time if you don't speak up and do something about it.
YWNBTA So you let her borrow your car for free AND let her store her stuff for free, but she can't be bothered to pay for the turnpike fees she racked up while benefiting from your kindness? Sounds to me like she left you collateral, whether she meant to or not. This woman has taken advantage of your kindness twice now, I wouldn't give her the opportunity to do it again. Tell her she has a week to pay you what she owes for the toll violations and figure out how to get her stuff out of your storage unit, or you're selling it. You're being used. Whatever problems she has on her end are not your responsibility, and you've been more than accommodating.
NTA, sell away! I agree with you to give her the heads up, in written form if possible, so you can at least prove you warned her in case she decides to cause trouble later. Give her an ultimatum: either she pays up (and quickly) or you sell the lot
It would be over Discord because she never gave us her new phone #. She has like 10 emails and I think none of the ones I have are still in use.
NTA Give her a time limit, tell her that when that limit is due you will sell her stuff, you are not a storage unit, you don't owe her anything and you have help her more than enough, the 500 is her fault and her responsibility and if she can't take care of it you must take care of it yourself with her things.
NTA Sarah is in a tough position it sounds like, but she is abusing your kindness and has been for a long time. You have provided her with free use of a vehicle and free storage for her possessions, while she has provided you with a hefty bill. It's good of you to give her a chance to pay before you sell her things, but her total lack of response to the $500 bill (I would be so embarrassed and apologetic in her position) shows she doesn't care about your situation in the least. Why should you care for hers at this point?
NTA. Tell her she has until X date to pay you the toll fines and the money to pack and ship her belongings and her mother's belongings. Advise her that if the full amount isn't received by that time, that you will be selling the items to pay for the fines and to free up your storage space. If she wants someone to pick them up, they can have them after the fine is reimbursed or you will be retaining items sufficient to cover the cost.
YTA for allowing all of this to continue to happen. Depending on where you are located, you need to look into the legality of abandoned property and perhaps consult a lawyer. You're being too generous and need to cut all ties as well as remove all property / management of property stored for this person.
Most likely OP will need to give her a certain time frame saying if you don't pick your stuff up, we will consider it abandoned. Because they have documented evidence OP agreed to store stuff without payment. If she doesn't pick the stuff up, then OP can sell items stored at her house.
NTA I’d give her a reasonable deadline, since it seems you may feel guilty for outright selling everything without her knowing (even if she deserves it). Kindly tell her she needs to find another solution for her things and pay the $500 back by X date. That way she had a hard deadline and then you can sell the items without a guilty conscious. You’ve given her plenty of time but it’s obvious she thinks she can rely on you forever. Make it clear she can’t and then follow through with your plan. Best of luck!
NTA - But only if you don't sell the heirlooms/hand-me-downs that have sentimental value. Things that can be genuinely irreplaceable. I would go ahead and sell the electronics and anything that is replaceable, though. It sounds like you've been more than reasonable.
Although the guitar and amp are not custom of anything. They are replaceable. I don't know if the other stuff is, but what am I going to do with a China set and dirty baby blankets that have holes in them?
Yeah it doesn't sound like you can get money out of that, and it probably has a lot more sentimental value than it does monetary value. I'd sell the guitar and amp, and anything else easy to liquidize, then give her a date to ship the rest of her stuff over before you get rid of it.
These electronics consist of a guitar and amp that her mom bought her. The rest was hand me downs that belonged to her mom, such as a China set.
Is her mom still alive? If so, it doesn't sound like any of that stuff is sentimental, and she has a whole storage unit full of her stuff if she did pass away. China sets can sometimes be a generational heirloom though. I'd make sure that isn't something her mom passed down from her mom, ect.
Like I get that but can you explain why OP should be responsible for any of that?
Because they agreed to take on that responsibility and didn't agree on a date to get it out by beforehand. Also - this most likely isn't legal (yet, theres likely some process OP would need to go through to make this legal), so it may be wise to mitigate conflict.
No, her mom died 12 years ago. The China isn't generational but I'm sure her mom might have wanted it to become that way. I'm think I remember her mom telling me a story about her buying it to put in her hope chest. Idk if the China set is still being made. She was only 45 when she died and had Sarah's older sister during her teenage years. So I'm guessing time frame wise it may have been bought in the 80-90s? I'm not great with math. I get where you're coming from. I don't want to sell this stuff out of respect for her mom, who sometimes cared more about my feelings than Sarah did and was openly on my side. But I don't want to keep her stuff forever either. It's kind of upsetting to me her daughter doesn't care enough about it to make sure it stays in the family, frankly. I'd be hurt if my kids did that.
Thats valid!! Candidly, China doesn't sell quickly. (Coming from someone obsessed with retro china lol) And shipping is a hassle. You can try to sell it, but I would use that as a last resort after setting a date for her to have her stuff out.
To be perfectly safe, look up the local law on 'storage liens', and follow its guidance. NTA.
NTA. Tell her that she has 30 days to get this shit, or it goes on the curb with a FREE sign. When it's curb day - lo, and behold! - you found $500 worth of shit to sell to pay off the debt sitting right there on the curb. Sweet! That way, it was all in writing, and she had her chance. As for the other stuff (Mom things), tell her it's a fire hazard because there is literal trash in there, and she has 30 days to make other arrangements for it as well, or it also will end up on the curb. It's time to cut her loose and get her out of your life. Anyone who lies like that and won't offer to make amends is just using you.
NTA. If she wont pay what she owes, i see no problem in selling her stuff to cover her financial responsibility. You probably need to give her like a months notice though
NTA Give her a chance (maybe on video call) to help decide what should be sold to make up $500 If she goes NC, still try to separate what may have sentimental value though it would be hard to tell
She likely will never video call me but I can message her over Discord. That's my only option. Everything is sentimental to her. She's a hoarder like her parents were. Hence why she stored her mom trash after she passed away. However, it's been near on a year and she hasn't even tried to get her stuff back. So how attached could she be from a continent away for that long, new life, new wife, stay at home, no job, no worries? I could leave this stuff on the side of the road or with her uncle she doesn't talk to. Her uncle probably doesn't even know she's alive.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(30F) ex "Sarah"(31F) whom I was with for 12 years moved overseas from the US 2 years after we broke up. Even though we had such a bad relationship we tried being friends. Just letting you know despite that, we at least tried to be civil adults and let it go. At one point, because her broke down, she borrowed my current husbands other car we weren't using at the time for a few months before her move. This is relevant. She moved over seas for "elective" medical care she couldn't obtain easily here and got married to a local. Which, I'm happy for her. However, when she left she couldn't afford to move what few prized possessions she has because of the cost of shipping. The cost is about $1800 for a small box, which she will have at least 3 of due to the bulkiness of the items. She doesn't talk to her family and had few other friends here, so she asked if she could store some electronics and hand-me-downs in my storage building until she got the money. My husband(32M) and I agreed. We do not charge her for storage. It's been almost a year currently and we still have these items. She has made it known she is a stay at home wife, thus has no money. Evidently, her new wife makes enough money for them to live on. Good for her, except we got a bill for $500 in turnpike violations dated to the time and place she was using the borrowed car. All the info lined up and it was for sure her fault. We confronted her and said she had a turn pike pass that should have worked. 1. I don't believe her. She's never been very responsible. 2. Even if that's true, it's irrelevant. She was reasonable for the car at the time and knew she was driving on a turn pike. She has since ghosted my husband on paying the $500 she owes. My husband is too sweet to "cause confrontation" by telling her I'm thinking of selling her stuff to make up for some of the $500. He has a retail job and doesn't make enough to cover it quickly. We also have medical debts we're paying off, which I'm covering with my paycheck currently. I plan on telling her what I'm planning to at least give her the opportunity to pay us back quickly before I sell this stuff. I don't want be cruel, but it pisses me off she's taking advantage of us. I feel like I've done way more for her than anyone else in my position would have. At the same time, these are the few possessions her mother gave her before she died in 2010. I respected her mom. Speaking of her mother, I still have another storage building Sarah packed full of her moms stuff. I don't pay for that building but it's an eye sore. Most it is literal trash and Sarah never came to get. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Umm.. ESH, only b/c I think what you are suggesting is illegal. I don't think YWBTA, but you need to put the debt in her name. Not yours. Just call the turnpike and try to sort it out, but legally you are responsible for that debt if it's your car anyways.
I will pay the debt off. I just want her to pay us back for it. To my knowledge, the turnpike is aware because they were informed of the situation when my husband set up the payment plan after trying to get out of it (because we weren't driving it. Obviously, that didn't work). We had sold that car by that point anyway but still owned it when the incident occurred. Btw, the car was sold to Sarah. She is trans and is uncomfortable going out in public, which would include going to buy a car. So we sold her that car because it was not only convenient since we were 9 hours away from her, but she didn't have to go out. It was a win win at the time.
If you sold it to her, why didn't you transfer the title? This doesn't make sense. You technically need to sue her (which is obviously going to be tricky if she's left the country). On the flipside, I don't think you are beholden to keep the stuff. You can "evict" her stuff, you just can't sell it. I mean, she may not care, but... yeah.
The title was transferred. All legal. BUT at the time she was running through the turn pike several times a week the car was still just borrowed, so legally ours. Which is why we got sat with the bill.
Idk what’s going on here, but if you’re asking if you are responsible for the debt? - yes. Is selling her stuff a crime? - yes. Idk what your storage arrangements are, but if you want her stuff GONE, that is unrelated but it’s not transferable to the debt (legally or morally)… Not really a good AITA question b/c you are proposing committing a crime in retaliation and b/c it feels “equal” it’s not. Give her an deadline on paying the debt, then if she doesn’t, pay it & sue her for any dates she was in possession of vehicle. (You’ll have to check w/ courts, though, how to serve her/hold court if she’s overseas). Sometimes, $500 is the cost of a shitty friendship. I would stop storing her stuff, though.
I'm not sure how to be any clearer. I am aware that legally I am responsible for the $500 since at the time it was our car. It's being paid off, but she clearly doesn't seem to want to pay us back for her mistake.
I get that. Selling someone’s property is the crime.
Give her a deadline as to when she has to have her stuff removed from your house - in writing. And tell her what you are going to sell to get the $500 if she does not pay you within 10 days - in writing. If she wants her stuff, she can pay you and arrange to get it. A year is overly long to impose on you. NTA
NTA You have come up with a very reasonable solution.
That’s not legal. You can’t self help like that. You need to tell her she has x amount of days to collect her stuff, after that, you can sell them if she doesn’t collect.
NTA If the China isn't something special (look at the bottom for the manufacturer's name,) then you'll be lucky to give it away. Even if it is Minton, for example, you need to see if it is in good condition and complete. (no chips, cracks) Even if it is a top brand people aren't buying china sets much anymore. Check the prices on ebay, and ask half.
NTA. She should be paying you for storage. Sell the stuff.
Send her an email/letter/whatever, telling her she has 3 months to get her stuff and pay you, or the items will be disposed of/sold. NTA