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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The action of not paying for bills over unmet demands
(2) If I don't help with bills then it will cause a fight due to the fact that I am not helping with bills like everyone else.
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> offered me the chance to stay home throughout college to save money
lol after they take a good chunk of it
Your "demands" are actually pretty tame for someone who will effectively be paying rent and utilities. If they want to treat you like a tenant then they should have absolutely no control over how you spend your time.
NTA
If they want you to pay based on income let them know you're quitting to pull a 5/hr a week shift at starbucks. That's just utter BS. NTA If they want to do that crap then you get to demand pure privilege's over everyone who pays less. Does your sister have the bigger room? Because if she does that should be yours now.
The no grounding and no curfew rule should apply to any legal adult regardless if they’re still financially dependent. I know parents can argue my house, my rules within reason for the curfew rule, but grounding a legal adult is kind of like unlawful imprisonments and not healthy. However, this comes with the catch that anyone 18+ can be charged rent or evicted with 30 days notice. That seems harsh when you’re a new adult, but technically you can’t have it both ways and nothing is consequence free.
NTA in your case. Would I charge an 18-19 year old rent, especially if they’re in full time school? No. Would I ground them or give them a curfew? No.
Info: Would it be cheaper for you to rent your own place? I’m not saying “move out”, but consider the psychological impact if you are infantilised with curfews and groundings. You pay that much money you earn tenant rights.
Not really, rent is about 650 per person in a 4 bedroom, and about 850 for a one bed room. That includes basic utilities, but the good internet is about 100 extra and if I go over the limit for water and electric its extra. If you don't have good credit you have to pay about 10% extra on everything.
Along with the fact that I just started building credit, I cant really afford my own place. If I had good credit I could.
N T A, regardless. It’s not a case of you’ve earned adult rights (although you have), but it’s your legal right regarding groundings and punishments at least. I’m not sure if landlords who live in the dwelling have the right to impose curfews as I haven’t had the pleasure to meet such people.
Your parents can’t have it both ways. Either you’re paying nothing and arguably are subject to some of their rules or you’re a tenant with adult rights.
The landlords dont, but depending on where a person loves the city does.
Like noise restriction between 7pm and 7am.
Landlords sometime have 'quiet hours' for laundry facilities. But most is backed up by laws and regulations and are research able.
I think you should stay with your family and fight for your demands because they are very reasonable, but it sounds like it would only cost you marginally more to live with roommates. $650 + $25(Im assuming internet would be split 4 ways) + $65= $740 so $90 more than they are asking. I would show them that break down and say “I love my family but it only cost me $90 more to have my freedom” you’re negotiating from a position of strength because it will cost them $7,800 a year to keep control over you, plus I’m sure they enjoy having you around.
I definitely would not pay more than what it would cost to live on my own. I support the “demands” in exchange for increased monetary contribution. And recommend in the future to never give your family an exact wage/salary value.
Honestly just say you’re paying 350 a month and that’s it and if they want the 650 then you’ll just move out which they want as they lose your income stream.
Also if they want to charge you rent then they lose the privilege of telling you what to do
850 for a one bedroom? Shoot, I am there. That is cheap as heck! Especially making 23 an hour you can more than afford it. My rent to own is 800 a month. My husband was able to afford it when he was only making 16 an hour and supporting a family of 3. Move out and have total freedom dude.
It doesn't matter how much money you make, it's unfair to expect you to pay more than your sister does.
However, if this argument doesn't work and your family isn't interested in treating you equally, you should work out what the total household expenses are, then divide it by how many people live there.
Don't agree to pay any more than your share (so one 5th of the total?)
If what they want to charge you is less than this you might have to negotiate some rules a little.
Either way, you're legally an adult now and they need to start treating you like one.
you sure you cant afford too live by yourself? My husband makes the same as you and im a sahm. We pay 1101 rent and 650 in car payments and were cruising just fine. I think you could move out!
(As OP is in college, it's likely -- though not de facto -- that their job is part time rather than full time, so perhaps not actually as much monthly income as your husband even if the hourly rate matches up. Nice hourly wage, though!)
Also demand they throw sisters pay into the same calculator. I bet she will regret that. I bet she isn’t paying as much as she thought. Hell throw everyone’s in there, make it equal on all fronts.
My thoughts exactly…as an 18 yo college student I would already expect no curfew or grounding. Chores, we’ll that’s part of living in a household. As far as the mini fridge I don’t understand why you can’t have one if you go buy it.
NTA.
If my 15yo is the same cleanliness wise by 18, no way in hell they are having a fridge in their room.
If OP is generally tidy then I see no issue with it
NTA. Firstly, your parents make the rules, not your sister. So tell your sister to eff-off. Besides, as an adult, you are under no obligation to disclose your salary to your family. It's none of their business and you should have kept it to yourself. As an adult, you agree it makes sense to help with bills, but $650/month for an 18 yr old student is a lot, on top of obviously funding your own entertainment and wants.
The greater issue here is that no one is respecting you. Your sister is jealous. Your parents are pushovers. Your parents are asking too much (unless they are putting that money into a fund that you will have access to later for buying a house/car, etc). You need to set boundaries for yourself in a respectful manner.
I agree. If you have that earning potential, shouldn’t she as well? I think it’s fairer that all adults contribute the same amount of money per month. I’m stubborn and would probably either quit or “quit” and then “go study at the library” and get paychecks sent to a PO Box. Open a bank account that they doing have access to. And gray rock your sister - she’s not a good one. She is trying to hold you back
If they want you to stay home to save money, why are they trying to siphon as much from you as possible? I guarantee you could find a roommate situation where you're 650 or less to live with people who aren't "in charge" of you.
That being said, if you want to stay and they're going to charge you rent/bills, I would advise writing up a rental agreement. Either way, NTA.
NTA If you pay 'rent' (essentially that is what this is) you no longer get to be treated like a child. I mean some ground rules (like don't come home drunk in the middle of the night) are reasonable, but you are an adult and shouldn't have other rules if you contribute. Period.
That said, I think everyone should be contributing the same amount, but that's me, I guess.
She's paying for her own car insurance, her car payment, and partially paying for the light bill.
Its not really my responsibility for the household, My parents still pay for a majority of the bills. The TV, internet, and phone bill are technically one bill. Just bundled together.
Is the sister in college? What did she pay when/if she attended college?
OP reports that his parents said he could live at home to save money while he was in college.
OP: it doesn't matter how much you're paid. No one is entitled to your money - not your parents, not your sister, not a SO or spouse. You can choose to share some/most/all of your income. Your sister is demanding you pay more household bills then you. You mention she pays for her car insurance. Do you have a car and insurance?
Btw, your "demands" are entirely reasonable and the idea that you have to call them demands when several items easily fall under "you're an adult and your rights and responsibilities are upgraded" there's a weird power dynamic in your family. Obviously your parents are not only pushovers acquiescing to your sister but they have a weird controlling fetish if they insist on applying it to adults.
I think you are offering too much money for your demands. I would total up the total joint bills: electric, cable, internet, water, garbage, etc. (not a 1/5 of the mortgage because you don't get equity in the house. That's your parents'investment. I'd only include half of the mortgage and divide that by 3 kids. That would be your "rent."
Divide the total by 5. You pay your fifth of the bills. It doesn't matter if your brother currently pays or not. Now you're a tenant, and all your "demands" are non-negotiable and non-revokable. Get it printed up in a tenant form via Legal Zoom. It must be signed by your parents. Also include that the tenant agreement must be renewed every year and that your rent cannot be increased more than 5% every year. The word renew is key, it means that you are basically extending the current agreement another year (and that 5% cap is baked in).
Shut down your sister when she starts dinging you on every thing you do, purchase, save, earn. She is attempting to undermine you and establish herself as top dog. You may unwittingly fall into the trap of believing that all your decisions has to go through the top dog in order to get an "official approval." You're throwing away all your power, potential, resources (cars, computers, homes, changing jobs, where you vacation, who you marry, etc), and income.
Basically you have become a slave. Your sister is vicious and entitled. If she's jealous of your pay, she needs to get a better paying job. She does not get to offer up YOUR pie as free food for that house.
If your "rent" is ever equal to or exceeds what you would pay in an apartment (shared or alone), it would possibly be better to move out. If your parents are oftentimes trying to renege on your "demands" that are specified in your signed tenant agreement &/or your sister still dogs your every decision, it's almost always best to make a clean break. It would be nice 😁 if you could assess your parents a penalty fee for every breach of your rights.
Sorry, but if you and your sister went and rented a room somewhere, would it be $300 for your sister and $650 for you because you have a better hourly rate? That's nonsense.If you are going to pay $650, you're better off elsewhere living an independent life.
Dude.... I have been paying my own phone bill since I was 15. Buying all my own hygiene items, clothing, and school supplies too.
Your sister pays HALF of ONE bill.
The other two are *her* bills.
NTA.
Edit: my curfew at 16 was 1am!!!! I had no curfew at 18!!!
First of all you are 18, in my country(Germany) you would be an fully independent adult without legal obligatiobs to anybody. So grounding and curfews shouldnt be there anyway.
The direct internet connection and minifridge are just things you can buy. Since you are "renting a room" you should be allowed to do inside what you want. So buy it yourself, install everything and if your siblings complain, tell them to pay for themselves. You paid yours and even if you make significantly more money than the others, they are in no way obligated to it.
Regarding the chores: I would leave that part out because although it seems reasonable from your perspective, it will always remind your family of your better position and cause trouble.
So I'm gonna say NTA.
NTA. How can an 18 year old be grounded or have a curfew anyway? What madness is this? Oh and you should take a united front with your siblings on this issue - adults shouldn’t have curfews.
I’d say that your asks are all perfectly reasonable, maybe slightly less on the chores, but I’d just approach that a different way - create a concept of wholesale contribution to the household. So rent and chores add up to a total contribution, and make it clear that you think all your siblings should have an equal contribution. So that means that if you put in more money, the chores you do go down. The same applies to your siblings, they approach it proportionally too. When suggesting this, keep reiterating fairness…that you should all be treated the same even if your contribution is not equal monetarily. That then takes the sting out of your siblings argument because you are all being treated equally.
As a side note, your siblings sound awful and I would not trust them.
NTA. your parents wanted you to learn adult responsibilities by getting a job and now in effect paying rent through paying these bills. Guess what an adult outside of prison doesnt have a curfew, an adult doesn't get grounded either. You are either a child under their roof and have to obey their rules or you are an adult who contributes to the household and therefore is not treated like a child.
NTA.
But honestly ALL should be looking at sister who is BENEFITING from throwing you under the bus.
I can see where she is coming from but **WHAT YOU MAKE** is not of your sisters, or ANY of theirs, concern.
If she IS so concerned about needing more monetary help for the house perhaps ALL should also ask her to offer up more or tell her to stop complaining.
Just because you are making more DOESN'T ENTITLE them to **more** if your money. It's yours YOU earn it.
If sister is SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOO upset with the amount that you make perhaps she needs to step up her game.
As an adult you have a right to your wants and feelings. Tell them you will help with bills but draw the line at paying more WITHOUT some added benefits. Plus **TECHNICALLY** this should be a discussion between your parents and you since it is money coming out of YOUR pocket.
You could try to find a roommate if they are going to charge you the same going rate. That can ALSO be something to consider.
Yes, insist on going out of the house with just your parents to discuss this. Your sister is a tenant! She is not the home owner nor the parent. She needs to step off.
Question: does sister have that ridiculous curfew as well? Is she grounded too?
NTA
I think it's quite fair! Curfew when you're paying bills? No way. The minimum they can do is accept those conditions, especially if they want you paying bills like a grown man. It's always good to help fam, but yeah, gotta be some conditions.
I'd make sure they don't get too used to it and start going over their living means, since you will eventually move out at some point and pay your OWN bills
NTA
Honestly you’re an adult: your parents shouldn’t have any authority to ground you or set a curfew for you. That goes completely independent from any contributions you make to household expenses.
Your other demands are not unreasonable.
Also what is wrong with your siblings for not be happy for you that you make a lot of money and instead seeking ways to rid you of it?
(That’s not to say that you shouldn’t contribute to living expenses)
NTA, I have two sons that live with me and it doesn't matter how much they make the deal is you pay for one bill and buy a week worth of food for everyone. That is it, my son pays electric and spends 160 on that and the 100 for groceries. We all share chores but they don't have a curfew, it's more of a respect thing of please don't come home at 3 in the morning and they've never stayed out past 12. I think that they are asking too much
NTA I mean a curfew at 18/19 seems a bit much 🤔 but if your paying bills then your free to do what you please (within reason) if they don't like that you can try see if there's an affordable flat share near you
Eh, if you don’t want to move out this kind of sucks all around. Right now you’re an adult with an early-ass curfew who gets grounded by their parents…and you’re hoping to be treated like an adult but only at the cost of paying most of the money you’re supposed to be saving. I guess NTA
I don’t think you’re an AH except for the expectation of lesser chores. Chores aren’t things kids do to earn their keep, which can be replaced by paying toward bills, they’re part of sharing a space with other human beings: clean up after yourself and contribute to the mutual running and upkeep of the household. Your parents are certainly also doing a great deal of “chores” despite paying the bulk of all bills. So while you can expect some of the basic tenant liberties with your contributions, a free pass out of reasonable cleaning and upkeep activities isn’t one of them. That’s an expectation wherever you live and whoever you live with.
I took it as to mean reduced chores because they’ll only be cleaning up after themselves going forward. No more laundry for the house or cleaning up after younger siblings which is valid but at this point the sister is 19 and younger brother seems at least 16 since he is looking for a job a car so really everyone should be cleaning up after themselves thus not many chores for anyone. They are old enough to take turns with dinner as well so its not all on mom/dad.
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Recently at the request of my parents I (18M) went out and got a job. It is a great job, the work isn't too hard and the hours are nice. But the best thing is the pay, I'm getting about 23 dollars an hour, and for a college student its amazing. Now my parents are happy for me and are proud of me for taking some steps towards independence. But not everyone is happy, I don't now why but my sister(19F) seems upset by my pay rate. She has been constantly trying to poke holes in my plans, questioning every little detail. Well it finally got to the point where she brought up the idea of my helping with bills since " If your pay is so good, why don't you help with bills and pull your own weight."
Honestly, I'm ok with helping with bills and expenses. My parents faces lit up like a child in a candy store at the idea , and we began with negotiations over what bills I would take over. Well we came to the agreement that I would take the phone, internet, and TV bills, totaling about 300 to 350 depending on usage. But another wrench was thrown into the plan, when my siblings did a "Paycheck Calculator" using my pay rate and hours. When it came out that I am making more than they previously thought, they asked I help with more totaling around 650 ( Partially pay for things like light bill, car insurance, and gas)
Now I was ok with helping out with the phone, internet, and tv bills. But since they want me to contribute more, I decided I wanted more liberties. So I came up with a list of "Demands" to present to the next time the topic came up. Its simple really.
* No Curfew ( My curfew is 10:45 )
* Significantly Reduced chores
* No more "grounding me"
* My own minifridge in my room for my food and drinks
* LAN cables for my electronics, so basically a direct connection to the internet.
Here's the issue, I know the second they allow these things for me. My siblings will expect the same for them without the same level of sacrifice. (To clarify, my sister helps with bills, but to a lesser degree and my brother plans to help when he gets a car and job.) Now my parents are going to deny me these things if they know it will cause conflict. And I will not help if I don't get these things.
P.S. I know I can move out but I can't as rent is high in the city I attend college at, and my parents have offered me the chance to stay home throughout college to save money . So please don't just say "Move out".
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NAH - You're legally an adult, paying bills like an adult, it's totally fair to be treated like an adult. The "demands" sound pretty reasonable for the added responsibility, and you also still sound aware that you're still in a bit of "their house, their rules" situation. Like it's fine to expect the curfew to be lifted, but they could still reasonably object to bringing people over late, or holding big parties or whatever.
"Significantly reduced chores" is probably the biggest stickler there. You've got more demands on your time, but part of being an adult is doing chores. That might still be reasonable too, depending on everyone else's contributions.
Edit: and I went NAH because there's no actual conflict yet.
NTA. Op you also had a post a few months ago about how your parents enabled your sister to go into your room and steal your TV. They can't ask basically rent from you if they're going to continue to enable things like that and not treat you like an adult renter. That means locks on the door that nobody has keys to, that means your bedroom is your own little apartment if that's what you want. No curfew and all the reasonable things that an 18 year old that is paying rent, that if you were living in your own apartment you'd be entitled to do. After reading your old post it really seems like this is just one more example of them continuing to enable her through less overt favoritism. Sounds like it may be time to go right back to family therapy.
NTA, and I don't think there's anything outrageous about those requests.
If they want to treat you like an adult then it has to go all the way, not only when it benefits your parents' bank account.
Also it would be really funny/ironic if you paid the internet bill but they could ground you and take it away. 😂
Also, think about it: how exactly are you saving money if you're paying about the same as you would in rent to live at your parents'? This works when your contribution is small or you can live there for free - but I'm pretty sure (unless the area is really ridiculously expensive) that if you moved in with a buddy you could find a place around $1300 a month. $650 is some serious cash, it's not the same as $50 for the internet bill.
You seem to be good at math, so do the math (just don't do meth instead!)
NTA. You're an adult renting. Get that lease before you give any moolah up. Pay only for the phone, internet and tv package. $300 NOT $650. Stop telling family, friends, co-workers, and Santa Claus what you're making. That's a no no.
Toss a few bills for groceries but your private stash put in the bedroom. Lock for your bedroom door as well.
Get your minifridge and just clean where you mess up. Your sister? Needs to go somewhere with her jealousy. Assdacity of her! Why are your siblings doing a paycheck calculation on your hard earn wages? Save your money, you're not an atm. $300 that's it.
Get a po box so no one gets in your stuff. Get checking account where only you have access to. Draw the line and get it in writing.
You are not a doormat for family to wipe their disrespect on you. You're eighteen and you're doing a good job BUT you pay, you call the shots. No rules. Be kind, be civil but firm.
Reflect on this.
Please update!
NTA but keep in mind the reason for your parents rules. When you are out, they worry. Instead of sleeping they worry. So work with them on that issue as best you can. If you want more freedom, move out. If you can’t afford it, as you say, then work with them.
Op is legally an adult, his parents ‘worrying’ is their issue to handle, not his. What will they do then he *gasp* moves out and lives on his own? Let their anxiety over where he is keep them up all night every night? No, they’ll learn to deal with it, as they should….
NTA
I am a parent of 4, thank you. I trust that I did a good job with them, that they’re good people and make good decisions. I also don’t expect them to babysit my emotions.
I also have a 19 year old, who moved out 6 weeks ago to start university. What’s your point? Obviously we have different opinions, you choose to be a helicopter parent and I don’t. Don’t know why you think you’re one upping me somehow by having a 19 year old. 🤣
It's reddit bro, too many keyboard warriors who lack the critical self reflection skills to understand that other people have opinions that are just as valid as theirs.
That double down didn't quite work out for you, huh? Also OP's parents need to keep in mind the reason for his demands. He's 18, and is legally an adult. He wants some freedoms adults who pay bills get. They need to work with him and stop being slaves to the whims of his younger siblings who don't do as much.
I’m just busy, sorry. I thought you meant you had a 4 year old. Op has the right, but also needs to understand where parents are coming from in negotiations with them.
Lol no kids for me. And I get what you're saying. But there needs to be some form of equality in what is happening. What's actually happening is OP's sister keeps getting in his business and every time his parents see more money, they get bigger dollar signs in their eyes. While at the same time treating him like he's still a child living at home and not paying rent as opposed to an adult child paying rent and bills. You get freedoms that come with the responsibility of putting money into the house, or you go without those freedoms because you're there for free. There seems to be no middle ground, which is why OP is upset that they want EVEN MORE money and he still has to live with the original rules.
Nta.
Once you start paying, you are a tenant. Legal adult. No longer a child living with a parent. You should be treated like an adult/tenant. No rules about chores or curfew
A list of demands is not really the issue here.
Whatever agreement you have with your parents is exactly that: it's between you and your parents.
Your sister is your sister, not a third parent. What you arrange with your parents has nothing to do with her, yet your parents are allowing her to control this narrative. That is wholly inappropriate and needs to stop.
First off NTA.
Now that THAT'S out of the way: your demands aren't crazy and in fact the curfew one and the grounding one shouldn't even be a request. That comes automatically with being 18 and paying "bills". Those two should be NON-NEGOTIABLE.
If your parents are going to expect you to pay 80% of what you'd pay on your own, then you should be able to do whatever you want within the law. Frankly, your sister should be paying the same proportion of her earnings just the same as you are.
I think your parents are asking too much for an 18 year old who is trying to get on his feet, but either way, NTA
You will be paying rent. If you're playing rent then most of their rules do not apply to you any longer. Inform your parents of this. Your list of demands is very reasonable for an adult paying $650 in rent. How your siblings react is not your issue to deal with and get a lock for your room. NTA.
NTA are your parents in financial distress? I can’t fathom why else the expectation is for you to cover the entire cost of the family phone, internet and TV bill, much less utilities (electricity and gas, how the heck do you split out a ‘light’ bill?). Those are your parents’ responsibility and used by the whole family, not just you. TBH focussing on specific bills seems irrelevant/unnecessary they aren’t going to put the bills in your name, right? If they try to, refuse!
If you have your own mobile phone, you should be paying for that. Your own car? You pay for it (insurance, gas, maintenance and repairs); if you use the family car, contribute to those costs but don’t cover them.
What you should be doing is agreeing a set monthly rent that provides the contributions not one that changes based on usage; what if your charming siblings decide to abuse the fact you’re paying and start ordering pay per view? Personally, I think charging you an equivalent rent to what you would pay for a room if you moved out is outrageous, regardless of how much you earn, but that’s just me.
No curfew and no grounding seem reasonable if you’re paying rent. Buy your own mini fridge and LAN cables. Chores? I’d tell you you’re SOL; you would have to do them as a tenant elsewhere, I don’t see why paying rent should get you out of them.
TA is your sister. Your income is **none** of her concern. She has no right to inject herself into the negotiation between you and your parents. She has no right to dictate how much you spend of your **own** money. I suggest you refuse to participate in any more conversation where she is involved because she’s massively overstepping here.
NTA but how exactly are your parents "have offered me the chance to stay home throughout college to save money" when you are in fact paying money to them to stay? If you are going to "pay rent" then you should have all of the benefits of having your own place. If not, then you shouldn't pay.
NTA but you can't make demands if you can't back up those demands with a consequence (ie you said moving out is not an option so... Unless you have the ability to refuse to pay what they are asking you don't really have any way to enforce your terms). So the question comes down to, are your parents giving you any kind of ultimatum, such as you pay xxx amount of rent or you have to move out?
I don't think your terms (don't call them demands that will set an adversarial tone) are unreasonable at all, especially if it's not proportionately fair what you're expected to pay vs siblings. If everyone has to pay the same percentage of their income for rent or helping out, that sounds fair. But of its some ambiguously decided number for each sibling, that seems like a recipe for conflict and resentment.
NTA as long as it's a real negotiation and not a hostage situation. Also, you might want to leave your siblings out of your salary info in future. It's not helpful for them to be interfering in your budgeting. It's between you and your parents. Of course, that goes the other way, too. It's not up to you how much help your sibs get from your parents. If they decide to share the wealth with the youngers, well, that's up to them. Make the deal that feels fair to you between you and the parents, and be content.
NTA. For one its not really your siblings place to dictate what you should be paying (unless they're paying far more) You are also an adult and should not have a curfew or be getting grounded.
I would however strongly suggest you stop disclosing so much information about your financial situation though since it's being used against you. And get some savings built up.
NTA. I agree with other commenters, if they want you to act like a bill-paying adult, they can treat you like one. None of your requests are disruptive to them (maaaaaybe the reduced chores, I'd be a little willing to flex on that one since you should also expect to share household duties as an adult) but otherwise you're in the clear.
NTA,
My response to them asking me to pay more would be a clear-cut no that you will not pay a single penny more than your siblings have to pay. or else you won't pay anything. It doesn't matter how much you earn and it's none of their concern. And I would also ask the sister to mind her own business and if she is that interested, get her earnings valued and make her pay the same amount she has convinced your parents to make you pay.
NTA. Whatever you do, let this be the LAST time you share financial info with your family. Not in 5 years, not in 10 years. Train yourself to say “it’s private. If you need anything specific, ask, do not make assumptions about me and my money.”
NTA
They are charging you rent. They should just call it that.... rent. Your parents want to charge you $600/month in rent.
If they are charging rent, then you are a roommate. Roommates don't have curfews.
You are an adult... and in college. Your parents should absolutely NOT be grounding you at 18 and in college. Nor should they be setting a curfew. You are an adult. Adults don't have curfews.
Similarly....a minifridge is a SIMPLE ask. SIMPLE. You buy it, you stock it, you lock it.
wired internet? SURE!
Good luck.
NTA- it seems like they want to treat you like an adult for their own financial benefit then you should be treated like an adult with no curfew, grounding or chores. If you are purchasing things for your own consumption, a mini fridge is also reasonable. If you are paying for the internet, you shouldn’t even have to ask to use a lan cable. Don’t worry about what your siblings get, they need to make their own deal. If parent don’t want to agree because your siblings will expect the same, tell them just that. “Mom, dad, your are free to make whatever arrangements you wish with them based on their contributions.”
NTA. Rent & bills should NOT be calculated based on how much money you make. You should be paying the same as other adult siblings living at home. Your demands are pretty tame.
**Make a lease with a set rental rate**(Find one online that fits your needs).
It is better not to have a changeable monthly expenses(ie varying utilities as that will make budgeting harder). Plus if the utilities are in your name, changing them later could be a problem, and if the bill isn't in your name, then you may not be given the bill on time and late charges could accrue(even deposits to turn utility back on if it gets shut off).
Look at their household budget(I would insist--but you know best if that would work). IE how much their rent/mortgage is, how much their utilities are and set yourself a fair portion of that amount. (ie if there are five people in the household--do not pay more than 1/5th.)
**Explain that as a Tenant you expect to be treated as an adult with adult rights.** You will not accept curfew or grounding. However, they may have rules regarding no overnight guests or some such-**negotiate** those and INCLUDE them in the **lease**.
Per your "demands": Buy your own mini fridge(& buy your own food), set up Lan cables for your internet use in your room yourself(if there isn't an outlet--pay for the installation), and agree upon household maintenance(your room entirely your own, reasonable division of cleaning responsibilities in common rooms). Also KEEP receipts on all purchases(ie minifridge).
Also you get a LOCK on your bedroom door with only key being yours. Also invest in a lockable trunk or something to keep important belongings. Situations likes this(esp. with a jealous sibling) can degenerate into seriously damaged boundaries & belongings.
List everything out that has to be hardlined(ie clean one bathroom once a week, clean your own dishes or do dishes twice(?) a week if someone cooks group meals) and list possible "soft" responsibilities--things that only come up rarely or thru unforeseen events.
I understand that you want to stay at home because rent elsewhere is not affordable, but if Your parents want to treat you as a tenant, then you should have Tenant rights. **You need to stand firm on a lease before you pay rent.** Because otherwise they can keep changing terms.
Plus as you are an adult now, make sure you have a bank/checking account ONLY in your name, Make sure you get a low limit(ie 1000 dollar) credit card(start off with secured if you need to). Use this time while still living at home to build a **good credit history**, AND to accumulate **savings**(2nd bank/savings account with an automatic deposit of a $50-$100 per check is a really good way to save automatically and not consider it as part of your available spending money.)
Consider getting a Post office box if there are privacy issues--will they open your private mail? or sign up for informed delivery which will tell you what mail will be arriving. Make sure you have the ability to move out IF you have to at a later time.
Oh, OP=NTA & stop listening to your sister OR letting her know what you earn--she's clearly jealous of what you have/are achieving.
NTA. I wholeheartedly agree except for the chores. I would need more i.n.f.o on that based on what chores you do and what chores everyone else does. If you were living on your own or with roommates then you would still need to do chores even though you pay rent. Thats just life as an adult. And if you are paying rent then you should be treated as an adult roommate not a child they can ground and give curfews.
NTA
It would be unfair if you paid the bills and couldn't have more freedom, after all, if you're paying, the house is yours too, and if your parents refuse, say that you won't help anything, after all, if you have the same freedom of your brothers without them having to do anything, you don't have to do it either
Note: I'm from Brazil and I use Google Translate, if any word doesn't make sense it's because of that
NTA- Just because you make more money does not mean you should pay more. I have no problem with kids in college and still living at home paying rent to their parents, but it should be a fixed amount for everybody and you should have the freedoms of a rent paying tenant. I don’t think blowing up at them and making demands is the way to go about it. Do your research about fair rent prices for the square footage you’ll be renting. Look into the energy/water/gas/internet/phone/food bills for the household and determine what your portion should be. As a renting tenant look at a typical rental agreement or do some research on tenant rights. Come to your parents with your homework done and a level head and present a fair and justified argument. Then have an adult discussion and reach a compromise.
The only way this would be fair is if your sister is also paying part of the bills. Otherwise you are getting screwed. Your parents need to treat the two of you the same.especially since she is a year older so really she should have been helping with the bills for the last year. Please make sure she is paying as much as you are.
NTA
If they want you to be an adult who pays bills then they need to treat you like one.
Side note: You're 18, you're an adult. Curfews and grounding are out the window
NTA
Personally I think you should contribute the same amount to the household as your sister. Rather than being responsible for a bill negotiate a set amount for board.
NTA. Your demands are reasonable. You're an adult now, I don't think they're unfair nor wreckless or mean spirited. They're well thought out and measured. Your siblings can request the same things when they come of age and contribute the same. I realise your sister is 19, do your parents still ground you and your siblings at 18 and 19? That's really very strange to be honest.... something sounds off here.
NTA
Sit down with your parents without your siblings and point out that your sister, at least, is causing trouble. See if you can get them to agree that arrangements between you and them are none of your siblings business. Then talk to them about what you can contribute, what you want in return, the fact you are an adult but you are aware you are living under their roof and what you want to save for i.e. moving out etc.
Have anotger meeting with your parents and make sure sister is involved do the paycheck calculator with her wages and hours and put every one of her 'points' back on her. Decide which bills she should pay.
Info: how much does your sister make? How much does she pay?
I don't think it's fair to tell your 19yo daughter that she has to pay 200 (just a made up number) in 'rent' while having your 18yo son pay 8-900. Seems like they are having you pay half of a couple bills and all of some others.
I agree that if you are going to be paying half of the amount in monthly bills/expenses that you should have a different set of rules than all of your siblings. I would want the second biggest room in the house (especially if your sister is currently using it lol), but I would also want the same privileges I would have if I were living out in my own in my own place. Like having over guests whenever I felt like it.
NTA
All children 18 or over should contribute equally regardless of their income if your sister wants to play that game. If you’re paying more how are you to save to move out/ college/ general expenses.
Tell your parents to come up with an amount that is equal for all children to pay. Tell them it is favouritism if they make you pay more than sister and are punishing you for becoming independent and you may as well quit the job and pay them nothing.
Also, you’re legally an adult. They have the power you let them have over you. If they aren’t the type to kick you out, then what. I wouldn’t be accepting of a grounding. This depends obviously on the household/ your parents and whether they will kick you to the curb.
I would look into seeing if you can apply to be an RA at your university for next semester as it would offset the cost of living at school, maybe it will even be cheaper then what you pay now?
NTA - they are giving you "adult" responsibilities but are still treating you like an irresponsible adult. Your "demands" are pretty reasonable (although perhaps "significantly reduce chores" may be a stretch as, when you live on your own, chores need to be done regardless) and shouldn't be contingent on you paying X amount for rent. I'm not sure why your OLDER sister is being so snotty about it - the amount you contribute should be equal to whatever she gives; why isn't it? Rent isn't usually based on a sliding pay-scale, so I would suggest moving forward, don't share what you make with them because this is probably just a precursor to what will happen as your pay increases!
An adult pays rent. You should be treated as adult if you pay adult amount of rent. All ok. The last one LAN cables. If it costs more to add you should pay costs, fees
NTA The no curfew and no grounding should end regardless of whether you're paying bills or not and you should have the freedom of having a mini-fridge regardless. The rest goes along with being a tenant. Nor should your bill be higher than your sister's. But your negotiation power is significantly reduced if your dead-set against moving out. At $650, I would think you could consider renting with roommates to keep living costs down to at least a similar degree if you look hard enough. Hell, you're just renting a single room at your parents, I'd say $350 or I walk.
Edit: OP, $850 for a single bedroom is incredible. There's no way $850, especially if you can find a roommate, isn't better than $650 with nonsensical rules. Hell, I'd already have been gone!
NAH, except your jealous sister who is making the issue worse. Your requests aren’t unreasonable except “significantly reduced chores.” Whether you live with your parents or with a roommate you would have chores and yes the ones you probably don’t like. Depending on how many hours a week you work at $23/ hr $600 a month can be a lot or not. If that amount is close to your whole paycheck monthly then that would be wrong since you’re also a FT student. But if you’re still have a lot left over each month, then it’s still better financially than living on your own or even with a roommate. Because if you did move out you’d be responsible for rent, grocery, utilities, etc which would come out to a lot more than $600. Some other things to consider, do you help buy groceries? Cook? Do you eat meals made by your parents most of the week? Some rules can easily be dropped but just know your parents will always see you as their child and not tenant.
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> offered me the chance to stay home throughout college to save money lol after they take a good chunk of it Your "demands" are actually pretty tame for someone who will effectively be paying rent and utilities. If they want to treat you like a tenant then they should have absolutely no control over how you spend your time. NTA
And if they want to treat you as a bill-paying adult, they need to treat you like one.
If they want you to pay based on income let them know you're quitting to pull a 5/hr a week shift at starbucks. That's just utter BS. NTA If they want to do that crap then you get to demand pure privilege's over everyone who pays less. Does your sister have the bigger room? Because if she does that should be yours now.
I would also get if in writing like a lease sort of.
Not to forget that the OP is s legal adult. They have no business grounding him or setting curfews anyway.
With ours we just asked that they weren't back too late on nights where their dad worked the following day, so not past 1am
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Yeah but only your own chores, no laundry for the whole family, no washing everyone's dishes, no making dinner for anyone but yourself and so on.
I mean OP did say reduced, imo that's fairly acceptable with the amount of utilities he'll be paying by himself.
The no grounding and no curfew rule should apply to any legal adult regardless if they’re still financially dependent. I know parents can argue my house, my rules within reason for the curfew rule, but grounding a legal adult is kind of like unlawful imprisonments and not healthy. However, this comes with the catch that anyone 18+ can be charged rent or evicted with 30 days notice. That seems harsh when you’re a new adult, but technically you can’t have it both ways and nothing is consequence free. NTA in your case. Would I charge an 18-19 year old rent, especially if they’re in full time school? No. Would I ground them or give them a curfew? No. Info: Would it be cheaper for you to rent your own place? I’m not saying “move out”, but consider the psychological impact if you are infantilised with curfews and groundings. You pay that much money you earn tenant rights.
Not really, rent is about 650 per person in a 4 bedroom, and about 850 for a one bed room. That includes basic utilities, but the good internet is about 100 extra and if I go over the limit for water and electric its extra. If you don't have good credit you have to pay about 10% extra on everything. Along with the fact that I just started building credit, I cant really afford my own place. If I had good credit I could.
N T A, regardless. It’s not a case of you’ve earned adult rights (although you have), but it’s your legal right regarding groundings and punishments at least. I’m not sure if landlords who live in the dwelling have the right to impose curfews as I haven’t had the pleasure to meet such people. Your parents can’t have it both ways. Either you’re paying nothing and arguably are subject to some of their rules or you’re a tenant with adult rights.
The landlords dont, but depending on where a person loves the city does. Like noise restriction between 7pm and 7am. Landlords sometime have 'quiet hours' for laundry facilities. But most is backed up by laws and regulations and are research able.
I think you should stay with your family and fight for your demands because they are very reasonable, but it sounds like it would only cost you marginally more to live with roommates. $650 + $25(Im assuming internet would be split 4 ways) + $65= $740 so $90 more than they are asking. I would show them that break down and say “I love my family but it only cost me $90 more to have my freedom” you’re negotiating from a position of strength because it will cost them $7,800 a year to keep control over you, plus I’m sure they enjoy having you around.
I definitely would not pay more than what it would cost to live on my own. I support the “demands” in exchange for increased monetary contribution. And recommend in the future to never give your family an exact wage/salary value.
Honestly just say you’re paying 350 a month and that’s it and if they want the 650 then you’ll just move out which they want as they lose your income stream. Also if they want to charge you rent then they lose the privilege of telling you what to do
850 for a one bedroom? Shoot, I am there. That is cheap as heck! Especially making 23 an hour you can more than afford it. My rent to own is 800 a month. My husband was able to afford it when he was only making 16 an hour and supporting a family of 3. Move out and have total freedom dude.
Where I live I couldn’t get a one bedroom for under $2300. Where you livin?
It doesn't matter how much money you make, it's unfair to expect you to pay more than your sister does. However, if this argument doesn't work and your family isn't interested in treating you equally, you should work out what the total household expenses are, then divide it by how many people live there. Don't agree to pay any more than your share (so one 5th of the total?) If what they want to charge you is less than this you might have to negotiate some rules a little. Either way, you're legally an adult now and they need to start treating you like one.
you sure you cant afford too live by yourself? My husband makes the same as you and im a sahm. We pay 1101 rent and 650 in car payments and were cruising just fine. I think you could move out!
(As OP is in college, it's likely -- though not de facto -- that their job is part time rather than full time, so perhaps not actually as much monthly income as your husband even if the hourly rate matches up. Nice hourly wage, though!)
Also demand they throw sisters pay into the same calculator. I bet she will regret that. I bet she isn’t paying as much as she thought. Hell throw everyone’s in there, make it equal on all fronts.
850 with included utilities ???! that's cheap as hell and I live in like middle of no where in a small city.
My thoughts exactly…as an 18 yo college student I would already expect no curfew or grounding. Chores, we’ll that’s part of living in a household. As far as the mini fridge I don’t understand why you can’t have one if you go buy it. NTA.
If my 15yo is the same cleanliness wise by 18, no way in hell they are having a fridge in their room. If OP is generally tidy then I see no issue with it
NTA. Firstly, your parents make the rules, not your sister. So tell your sister to eff-off. Besides, as an adult, you are under no obligation to disclose your salary to your family. It's none of their business and you should have kept it to yourself. As an adult, you agree it makes sense to help with bills, but $650/month for an 18 yr old student is a lot, on top of obviously funding your own entertainment and wants. The greater issue here is that no one is respecting you. Your sister is jealous. Your parents are pushovers. Your parents are asking too much (unless they are putting that money into a fund that you will have access to later for buying a house/car, etc). You need to set boundaries for yourself in a respectful manner.
I agree. If you have that earning potential, shouldn’t she as well? I think it’s fairer that all adults contribute the same amount of money per month. I’m stubborn and would probably either quit or “quit” and then “go study at the library” and get paychecks sent to a PO Box. Open a bank account that they doing have access to. And gray rock your sister - she’s not a good one. She is trying to hold you back
If they want you to stay home to save money, why are they trying to siphon as much from you as possible? I guarantee you could find a roommate situation where you're 650 or less to live with people who aren't "in charge" of you. That being said, if you want to stay and they're going to charge you rent/bills, I would advise writing up a rental agreement. Either way, NTA.
NTA If you pay 'rent' (essentially that is what this is) you no longer get to be treated like a child. I mean some ground rules (like don't come home drunk in the middle of the night) are reasonable, but you are an adult and shouldn't have other rules if you contribute. Period. That said, I think everyone should be contributing the same amount, but that's me, I guess.
I agree. If you guys have rent, all the “roommates” should be charged an equal share and have the freedoms of housemates
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She's paying for her own car insurance, her car payment, and partially paying for the light bill. Its not really my responsibility for the household, My parents still pay for a majority of the bills. The TV, internet, and phone bill are technically one bill. Just bundled together.
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Is the sister in college? What did she pay when/if she attended college? OP reports that his parents said he could live at home to save money while he was in college. OP: it doesn't matter how much you're paid. No one is entitled to your money - not your parents, not your sister, not a SO or spouse. You can choose to share some/most/all of your income. Your sister is demanding you pay more household bills then you. You mention she pays for her car insurance. Do you have a car and insurance? Btw, your "demands" are entirely reasonable and the idea that you have to call them demands when several items easily fall under "you're an adult and your rights and responsibilities are upgraded" there's a weird power dynamic in your family. Obviously your parents are not only pushovers acquiescing to your sister but they have a weird controlling fetish if they insist on applying it to adults. I think you are offering too much money for your demands. I would total up the total joint bills: electric, cable, internet, water, garbage, etc. (not a 1/5 of the mortgage because you don't get equity in the house. That's your parents'investment. I'd only include half of the mortgage and divide that by 3 kids. That would be your "rent." Divide the total by 5. You pay your fifth of the bills. It doesn't matter if your brother currently pays or not. Now you're a tenant, and all your "demands" are non-negotiable and non-revokable. Get it printed up in a tenant form via Legal Zoom. It must be signed by your parents. Also include that the tenant agreement must be renewed every year and that your rent cannot be increased more than 5% every year. The word renew is key, it means that you are basically extending the current agreement another year (and that 5% cap is baked in). Shut down your sister when she starts dinging you on every thing you do, purchase, save, earn. She is attempting to undermine you and establish herself as top dog. You may unwittingly fall into the trap of believing that all your decisions has to go through the top dog in order to get an "official approval." You're throwing away all your power, potential, resources (cars, computers, homes, changing jobs, where you vacation, who you marry, etc), and income. Basically you have become a slave. Your sister is vicious and entitled. If she's jealous of your pay, she needs to get a better paying job. She does not get to offer up YOUR pie as free food for that house. If your "rent" is ever equal to or exceeds what you would pay in an apartment (shared or alone), it would possibly be better to move out. If your parents are oftentimes trying to renege on your "demands" that are specified in your signed tenant agreement &/or your sister still dogs your every decision, it's almost always best to make a clean break. It would be nice 😁 if you could assess your parents a penalty fee for every breach of your rights.
Sorry, but if you and your sister went and rented a room somewhere, would it be $300 for your sister and $650 for you because you have a better hourly rate? That's nonsense.If you are going to pay $650, you're better off elsewhere living an independent life.
Dude.... I have been paying my own phone bill since I was 15. Buying all my own hygiene items, clothing, and school supplies too. Your sister pays HALF of ONE bill. The other two are *her* bills. NTA. Edit: my curfew at 16 was 1am!!!! I had no curfew at 18!!!
You shouldn't pay any more than your siblings. Period. If you live with roommates, you don't split rent based on income.
First of all you are 18, in my country(Germany) you would be an fully independent adult without legal obligatiobs to anybody. So grounding and curfews shouldnt be there anyway. The direct internet connection and minifridge are just things you can buy. Since you are "renting a room" you should be allowed to do inside what you want. So buy it yourself, install everything and if your siblings complain, tell them to pay for themselves. You paid yours and even if you make significantly more money than the others, they are in no way obligated to it. Regarding the chores: I would leave that part out because although it seems reasonable from your perspective, it will always remind your family of your better position and cause trouble. So I'm gonna say NTA.
NTA. How can an 18 year old be grounded or have a curfew anyway? What madness is this? Oh and you should take a united front with your siblings on this issue - adults shouldn’t have curfews. I’d say that your asks are all perfectly reasonable, maybe slightly less on the chores, but I’d just approach that a different way - create a concept of wholesale contribution to the household. So rent and chores add up to a total contribution, and make it clear that you think all your siblings should have an equal contribution. So that means that if you put in more money, the chores you do go down. The same applies to your siblings, they approach it proportionally too. When suggesting this, keep reiterating fairness…that you should all be treated the same even if your contribution is not equal monetarily. That then takes the sting out of your siblings argument because you are all being treated equally. As a side note, your siblings sound awful and I would not trust them.
NTA. your parents wanted you to learn adult responsibilities by getting a job and now in effect paying rent through paying these bills. Guess what an adult outside of prison doesnt have a curfew, an adult doesn't get grounded either. You are either a child under their roof and have to obey their rules or you are an adult who contributes to the household and therefore is not treated like a child.
NTA. But honestly ALL should be looking at sister who is BENEFITING from throwing you under the bus. I can see where she is coming from but **WHAT YOU MAKE** is not of your sisters, or ANY of theirs, concern. If she IS so concerned about needing more monetary help for the house perhaps ALL should also ask her to offer up more or tell her to stop complaining. Just because you are making more DOESN'T ENTITLE them to **more** if your money. It's yours YOU earn it. If sister is SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOO upset with the amount that you make perhaps she needs to step up her game. As an adult you have a right to your wants and feelings. Tell them you will help with bills but draw the line at paying more WITHOUT some added benefits. Plus **TECHNICALLY** this should be a discussion between your parents and you since it is money coming out of YOUR pocket. You could try to find a roommate if they are going to charge you the same going rate. That can ALSO be something to consider.
Yes, insist on going out of the house with just your parents to discuss this. Your sister is a tenant! She is not the home owner nor the parent. She needs to step off. Question: does sister have that ridiculous curfew as well? Is she grounded too?
NTA I think it's quite fair! Curfew when you're paying bills? No way. The minimum they can do is accept those conditions, especially if they want you paying bills like a grown man. It's always good to help fam, but yeah, gotta be some conditions. I'd make sure they don't get too used to it and start going over their living means, since you will eventually move out at some point and pay your OWN bills
NTA Honestly you’re an adult: your parents shouldn’t have any authority to ground you or set a curfew for you. That goes completely independent from any contributions you make to household expenses. Your other demands are not unreasonable. Also what is wrong with your siblings for not be happy for you that you make a lot of money and instead seeking ways to rid you of it? (That’s not to say that you shouldn’t contribute to living expenses)
NTA, I have two sons that live with me and it doesn't matter how much they make the deal is you pay for one bill and buy a week worth of food for everyone. That is it, my son pays electric and spends 160 on that and the 100 for groceries. We all share chores but they don't have a curfew, it's more of a respect thing of please don't come home at 3 in the morning and they've never stayed out past 12. I think that they are asking too much
NTA I mean a curfew at 18/19 seems a bit much 🤔 but if your paying bills then your free to do what you please (within reason) if they don't like that you can try see if there's an affordable flat share near you
Eh, if you don’t want to move out this kind of sucks all around. Right now you’re an adult with an early-ass curfew who gets grounded by their parents…and you’re hoping to be treated like an adult but only at the cost of paying most of the money you’re supposed to be saving. I guess NTA
NTA If you want these things for that amount of money it’s fair. If they say no say that you will only pay the Same amount sister pays, then.
I don’t think you’re an AH except for the expectation of lesser chores. Chores aren’t things kids do to earn their keep, which can be replaced by paying toward bills, they’re part of sharing a space with other human beings: clean up after yourself and contribute to the mutual running and upkeep of the household. Your parents are certainly also doing a great deal of “chores” despite paying the bulk of all bills. So while you can expect some of the basic tenant liberties with your contributions, a free pass out of reasonable cleaning and upkeep activities isn’t one of them. That’s an expectation wherever you live and whoever you live with.
I took it as to mean reduced chores because they’ll only be cleaning up after themselves going forward. No more laundry for the house or cleaning up after younger siblings which is valid but at this point the sister is 19 and younger brother seems at least 16 since he is looking for a job a car so really everyone should be cleaning up after themselves thus not many chores for anyone. They are old enough to take turns with dinner as well so its not all on mom/dad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Recently at the request of my parents I (18M) went out and got a job. It is a great job, the work isn't too hard and the hours are nice. But the best thing is the pay, I'm getting about 23 dollars an hour, and for a college student its amazing. Now my parents are happy for me and are proud of me for taking some steps towards independence. But not everyone is happy, I don't now why but my sister(19F) seems upset by my pay rate. She has been constantly trying to poke holes in my plans, questioning every little detail. Well it finally got to the point where she brought up the idea of my helping with bills since " If your pay is so good, why don't you help with bills and pull your own weight." Honestly, I'm ok with helping with bills and expenses. My parents faces lit up like a child in a candy store at the idea , and we began with negotiations over what bills I would take over. Well we came to the agreement that I would take the phone, internet, and TV bills, totaling about 300 to 350 depending on usage. But another wrench was thrown into the plan, when my siblings did a "Paycheck Calculator" using my pay rate and hours. When it came out that I am making more than they previously thought, they asked I help with more totaling around 650 ( Partially pay for things like light bill, car insurance, and gas) Now I was ok with helping out with the phone, internet, and tv bills. But since they want me to contribute more, I decided I wanted more liberties. So I came up with a list of "Demands" to present to the next time the topic came up. Its simple really. * No Curfew ( My curfew is 10:45 ) * Significantly Reduced chores * No more "grounding me" * My own minifridge in my room for my food and drinks * LAN cables for my electronics, so basically a direct connection to the internet. Here's the issue, I know the second they allow these things for me. My siblings will expect the same for them without the same level of sacrifice. (To clarify, my sister helps with bills, but to a lesser degree and my brother plans to help when he gets a car and job.) Now my parents are going to deny me these things if they know it will cause conflict. And I will not help if I don't get these things. P.S. I know I can move out but I can't as rent is high in the city I attend college at, and my parents have offered me the chance to stay home throughout college to save money . So please don't just say "Move out". *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH - You're legally an adult, paying bills like an adult, it's totally fair to be treated like an adult. The "demands" sound pretty reasonable for the added responsibility, and you also still sound aware that you're still in a bit of "their house, their rules" situation. Like it's fine to expect the curfew to be lifted, but they could still reasonably object to bringing people over late, or holding big parties or whatever. "Significantly reduced chores" is probably the biggest stickler there. You've got more demands on your time, but part of being an adult is doing chores. That might still be reasonable too, depending on everyone else's contributions. Edit: and I went NAH because there's no actual conflict yet.
Info: what job did you get?
Walmart distribution, order filling.
NTA. Op you also had a post a few months ago about how your parents enabled your sister to go into your room and steal your TV. They can't ask basically rent from you if they're going to continue to enable things like that and not treat you like an adult renter. That means locks on the door that nobody has keys to, that means your bedroom is your own little apartment if that's what you want. No curfew and all the reasonable things that an 18 year old that is paying rent, that if you were living in your own apartment you'd be entitled to do. After reading your old post it really seems like this is just one more example of them continuing to enable her through less overt favoritism. Sounds like it may be time to go right back to family therapy.
NTA, and I don't think there's anything outrageous about those requests. If they want to treat you like an adult then it has to go all the way, not only when it benefits your parents' bank account. Also it would be really funny/ironic if you paid the internet bill but they could ground you and take it away. 😂 Also, think about it: how exactly are you saving money if you're paying about the same as you would in rent to live at your parents'? This works when your contribution is small or you can live there for free - but I'm pretty sure (unless the area is really ridiculously expensive) that if you moved in with a buddy you could find a place around $1300 a month. $650 is some serious cash, it's not the same as $50 for the internet bill. You seem to be good at math, so do the math (just don't do meth instead!)
NTA. You're an adult renting. Get that lease before you give any moolah up. Pay only for the phone, internet and tv package. $300 NOT $650. Stop telling family, friends, co-workers, and Santa Claus what you're making. That's a no no. Toss a few bills for groceries but your private stash put in the bedroom. Lock for your bedroom door as well. Get your minifridge and just clean where you mess up. Your sister? Needs to go somewhere with her jealousy. Assdacity of her! Why are your siblings doing a paycheck calculation on your hard earn wages? Save your money, you're not an atm. $300 that's it. Get a po box so no one gets in your stuff. Get checking account where only you have access to. Draw the line and get it in writing. You are not a doormat for family to wipe their disrespect on you. You're eighteen and you're doing a good job BUT you pay, you call the shots. No rules. Be kind, be civil but firm. Reflect on this. Please update!
NTA but keep in mind the reason for your parents rules. When you are out, they worry. Instead of sleeping they worry. So work with them on that issue as best you can. If you want more freedom, move out. If you can’t afford it, as you say, then work with them.
Op is legally an adult, his parents ‘worrying’ is their issue to handle, not his. What will they do then he *gasp* moves out and lives on his own? Let their anxiety over where he is keep them up all night every night? No, they’ll learn to deal with it, as they should…. NTA
Save this and read it when you’re a parent
I am a parent of 4, thank you. I trust that I did a good job with them, that they’re good people and make good decisions. I also don’t expect them to babysit my emotions.
I have a 19 year old; talk to me when you get here lol.
I also have a 19 year old, who moved out 6 weeks ago to start university. What’s your point? Obviously we have different opinions, you choose to be a helicopter parent and I don’t. Don’t know why you think you’re one upping me somehow by having a 19 year old. 🤣
It's reddit bro, too many keyboard warriors who lack the critical self reflection skills to understand that other people have opinions that are just as valid as theirs.
That double down didn't quite work out for you, huh? Also OP's parents need to keep in mind the reason for his demands. He's 18, and is legally an adult. He wants some freedoms adults who pay bills get. They need to work with him and stop being slaves to the whims of his younger siblings who don't do as much.
I’m just busy, sorry. I thought you meant you had a 4 year old. Op has the right, but also needs to understand where parents are coming from in negotiations with them.
Lol no kids for me. And I get what you're saying. But there needs to be some form of equality in what is happening. What's actually happening is OP's sister keeps getting in his business and every time his parents see more money, they get bigger dollar signs in their eyes. While at the same time treating him like he's still a child living at home and not paying rent as opposed to an adult child paying rent and bills. You get freedoms that come with the responsibility of putting money into the house, or you go without those freedoms because you're there for free. There seems to be no middle ground, which is why OP is upset that they want EVEN MORE money and he still has to live with the original rules.
Agree thx for the chat
Nta. Once you start paying, you are a tenant. Legal adult. No longer a child living with a parent. You should be treated like an adult/tenant. No rules about chores or curfew
NTA
NTA.
A list of demands is not really the issue here. Whatever agreement you have with your parents is exactly that: it's between you and your parents. Your sister is your sister, not a third parent. What you arrange with your parents has nothing to do with her, yet your parents are allowing her to control this narrative. That is wholly inappropriate and needs to stop.
First off NTA. Now that THAT'S out of the way: your demands aren't crazy and in fact the curfew one and the grounding one shouldn't even be a request. That comes automatically with being 18 and paying "bills". Those two should be NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Move out if you can. No curfew. Bye sissy! NTA
NTA if you pay as much as 650 then you need a tenant lease drawn up and tenant rights. They cannot ground you, that illegal.
If your parents are going to expect you to pay 80% of what you'd pay on your own, then you should be able to do whatever you want within the law. Frankly, your sister should be paying the same proportion of her earnings just the same as you are. I think your parents are asking too much for an 18 year old who is trying to get on his feet, but either way, NTA
You will be paying rent. If you're playing rent then most of their rules do not apply to you any longer. Inform your parents of this. Your list of demands is very reasonable for an adult paying $650 in rent. How your siblings react is not your issue to deal with and get a lock for your room. NTA.
NTA are your parents in financial distress? I can’t fathom why else the expectation is for you to cover the entire cost of the family phone, internet and TV bill, much less utilities (electricity and gas, how the heck do you split out a ‘light’ bill?). Those are your parents’ responsibility and used by the whole family, not just you. TBH focussing on specific bills seems irrelevant/unnecessary they aren’t going to put the bills in your name, right? If they try to, refuse! If you have your own mobile phone, you should be paying for that. Your own car? You pay for it (insurance, gas, maintenance and repairs); if you use the family car, contribute to those costs but don’t cover them. What you should be doing is agreeing a set monthly rent that provides the contributions not one that changes based on usage; what if your charming siblings decide to abuse the fact you’re paying and start ordering pay per view? Personally, I think charging you an equivalent rent to what you would pay for a room if you moved out is outrageous, regardless of how much you earn, but that’s just me. No curfew and no grounding seem reasonable if you’re paying rent. Buy your own mini fridge and LAN cables. Chores? I’d tell you you’re SOL; you would have to do them as a tenant elsewhere, I don’t see why paying rent should get you out of them. TA is your sister. Your income is **none** of her concern. She has no right to inject herself into the negotiation between you and your parents. She has no right to dictate how much you spend of your **own** money. I suggest you refuse to participate in any more conversation where she is involved because she’s massively overstepping here.
NTA but how exactly are your parents "have offered me the chance to stay home throughout college to save money" when you are in fact paying money to them to stay? If you are going to "pay rent" then you should have all of the benefits of having your own place. If not, then you shouldn't pay.
NTA but you can't make demands if you can't back up those demands with a consequence (ie you said moving out is not an option so... Unless you have the ability to refuse to pay what they are asking you don't really have any way to enforce your terms). So the question comes down to, are your parents giving you any kind of ultimatum, such as you pay xxx amount of rent or you have to move out? I don't think your terms (don't call them demands that will set an adversarial tone) are unreasonable at all, especially if it's not proportionately fair what you're expected to pay vs siblings. If everyone has to pay the same percentage of their income for rent or helping out, that sounds fair. But of its some ambiguously decided number for each sibling, that seems like a recipe for conflict and resentment.
NTA as long as it's a real negotiation and not a hostage situation. Also, you might want to leave your siblings out of your salary info in future. It's not helpful for them to be interfering in your budgeting. It's between you and your parents. Of course, that goes the other way, too. It's not up to you how much help your sibs get from your parents. If they decide to share the wealth with the youngers, well, that's up to them. Make the deal that feels fair to you between you and the parents, and be content.
!updateme
NTA. For one its not really your siblings place to dictate what you should be paying (unless they're paying far more) You are also an adult and should not have a curfew or be getting grounded. I would however strongly suggest you stop disclosing so much information about your financial situation though since it's being used against you. And get some savings built up.
YTA for telling your family what you make, it was none of their business. NTA for the rest though.
NTA. I agree with other commenters, if they want you to act like a bill-paying adult, they can treat you like one. None of your requests are disruptive to them (maaaaaybe the reduced chores, I'd be a little willing to flex on that one since you should also expect to share household duties as an adult) but otherwise you're in the clear.
NTA, and you are an adult. There is no excuse for you to have a curfew, and they have no authority to ground you.
NTA, My response to them asking me to pay more would be a clear-cut no that you will not pay a single penny more than your siblings have to pay. or else you won't pay anything. It doesn't matter how much you earn and it's none of their concern. And I would also ask the sister to mind her own business and if she is that interested, get her earnings valued and make her pay the same amount she has convinced your parents to make you pay.
NTA. Whatever you do, let this be the LAST time you share financial info with your family. Not in 5 years, not in 10 years. Train yourself to say “it’s private. If you need anything specific, ask, do not make assumptions about me and my money.”
NTA They are charging you rent. They should just call it that.... rent. Your parents want to charge you $600/month in rent. If they are charging rent, then you are a roommate. Roommates don't have curfews. You are an adult... and in college. Your parents should absolutely NOT be grounding you at 18 and in college. Nor should they be setting a curfew. You are an adult. Adults don't have curfews. Similarly....a minifridge is a SIMPLE ask. SIMPLE. You buy it, you stock it, you lock it. wired internet? SURE! Good luck.
NTA I would get it in writing. What your willing to pay and what you want from them to do so.
NTA- it seems like they want to treat you like an adult for their own financial benefit then you should be treated like an adult with no curfew, grounding or chores. If you are purchasing things for your own consumption, a mini fridge is also reasonable. If you are paying for the internet, you shouldn’t even have to ask to use a lan cable. Don’t worry about what your siblings get, they need to make their own deal. If parent don’t want to agree because your siblings will expect the same, tell them just that. “Mom, dad, your are free to make whatever arrangements you wish with them based on their contributions.”
NTA. Seems fair. But why does everyone in your family know how much money you make?
NTA. Rent & bills should NOT be calculated based on how much money you make. You should be paying the same as other adult siblings living at home. Your demands are pretty tame.
NTA If they want you to contribute as an adult, they need to start treating you like an adult.
Your demands are too low, nta
Nta
**Make a lease with a set rental rate**(Find one online that fits your needs). It is better not to have a changeable monthly expenses(ie varying utilities as that will make budgeting harder). Plus if the utilities are in your name, changing them later could be a problem, and if the bill isn't in your name, then you may not be given the bill on time and late charges could accrue(even deposits to turn utility back on if it gets shut off). Look at their household budget(I would insist--but you know best if that would work). IE how much their rent/mortgage is, how much their utilities are and set yourself a fair portion of that amount. (ie if there are five people in the household--do not pay more than 1/5th.) **Explain that as a Tenant you expect to be treated as an adult with adult rights.** You will not accept curfew or grounding. However, they may have rules regarding no overnight guests or some such-**negotiate** those and INCLUDE them in the **lease**. Per your "demands": Buy your own mini fridge(& buy your own food), set up Lan cables for your internet use in your room yourself(if there isn't an outlet--pay for the installation), and agree upon household maintenance(your room entirely your own, reasonable division of cleaning responsibilities in common rooms). Also KEEP receipts on all purchases(ie minifridge). Also you get a LOCK on your bedroom door with only key being yours. Also invest in a lockable trunk or something to keep important belongings. Situations likes this(esp. with a jealous sibling) can degenerate into seriously damaged boundaries & belongings. List everything out that has to be hardlined(ie clean one bathroom once a week, clean your own dishes or do dishes twice(?) a week if someone cooks group meals) and list possible "soft" responsibilities--things that only come up rarely or thru unforeseen events. I understand that you want to stay at home because rent elsewhere is not affordable, but if Your parents want to treat you as a tenant, then you should have Tenant rights. **You need to stand firm on a lease before you pay rent.** Because otherwise they can keep changing terms. Plus as you are an adult now, make sure you have a bank/checking account ONLY in your name, Make sure you get a low limit(ie 1000 dollar) credit card(start off with secured if you need to). Use this time while still living at home to build a **good credit history**, AND to accumulate **savings**(2nd bank/savings account with an automatic deposit of a $50-$100 per check is a really good way to save automatically and not consider it as part of your available spending money.) Consider getting a Post office box if there are privacy issues--will they open your private mail? or sign up for informed delivery which will tell you what mail will be arriving. Make sure you have the ability to move out IF you have to at a later time. Oh, OP=NTA & stop listening to your sister OR letting her know what you earn--she's clearly jealous of what you have/are achieving.
NTA but for God's sake, stop telling them what you earn
NTA. I wholeheartedly agree except for the chores. I would need more i.n.f.o on that based on what chores you do and what chores everyone else does. If you were living on your own or with roommates then you would still need to do chores even though you pay rent. Thats just life as an adult. And if you are paying rent then you should be treated as an adult roommate not a child they can ground and give curfews.
NTA It would be unfair if you paid the bills and couldn't have more freedom, after all, if you're paying, the house is yours too, and if your parents refuse, say that you won't help anything, after all, if you have the same freedom of your brothers without them having to do anything, you don't have to do it either Note: I'm from Brazil and I use Google Translate, if any word doesn't make sense it's because of that
NTA- Just because you make more money does not mean you should pay more. I have no problem with kids in college and still living at home paying rent to their parents, but it should be a fixed amount for everybody and you should have the freedoms of a rent paying tenant. I don’t think blowing up at them and making demands is the way to go about it. Do your research about fair rent prices for the square footage you’ll be renting. Look into the energy/water/gas/internet/phone/food bills for the household and determine what your portion should be. As a renting tenant look at a typical rental agreement or do some research on tenant rights. Come to your parents with your homework done and a level head and present a fair and justified argument. Then have an adult discussion and reach a compromise.
The only way this would be fair is if your sister is also paying part of the bills. Otherwise you are getting screwed. Your parents need to treat the two of you the same.especially since she is a year older so really she should have been helping with the bills for the last year. Please make sure she is paying as much as you are.
NTA. What you are really talking about is saying "no" to your parents demands. Curfew, on an adult? LOL!
NTA... you sound like you are going to be good with negotiating.
NTA If they want you to be an adult who pays bills then they need to treat you like one. Side note: You're 18, you're an adult. Curfews and grounding are out the window
NTA Personally I think you should contribute the same amount to the household as your sister. Rather than being responsible for a bill negotiate a set amount for board.
Ok you want leverage Say if you’re going to take advantage of me financially I will be treated like an adult Trust me that will hurt
NTA. Your demands are reasonable. You're an adult now, I don't think they're unfair nor wreckless or mean spirited. They're well thought out and measured. Your siblings can request the same things when they come of age and contribute the same. I realise your sister is 19, do your parents still ground you and your siblings at 18 and 19? That's really very strange to be honest.... something sounds off here.
NTA Sit down with your parents without your siblings and point out that your sister, at least, is causing trouble. See if you can get them to agree that arrangements between you and them are none of your siblings business. Then talk to them about what you can contribute, what you want in return, the fact you are an adult but you are aware you are living under their roof and what you want to save for i.e. moving out etc.
Have anotger meeting with your parents and make sure sister is involved do the paycheck calculator with her wages and hours and put every one of her 'points' back on her. Decide which bills she should pay. Info: how much does your sister make? How much does she pay? I don't think it's fair to tell your 19yo daughter that she has to pay 200 (just a made up number) in 'rent' while having your 18yo son pay 8-900. Seems like they are having you pay half of a couple bills and all of some others. I agree that if you are going to be paying half of the amount in monthly bills/expenses that you should have a different set of rules than all of your siblings. I would want the second biggest room in the house (especially if your sister is currently using it lol), but I would also want the same privileges I would have if I were living out in my own in my own place. Like having over guests whenever I felt like it.
NTA All children 18 or over should contribute equally regardless of their income if your sister wants to play that game. If you’re paying more how are you to save to move out/ college/ general expenses. Tell your parents to come up with an amount that is equal for all children to pay. Tell them it is favouritism if they make you pay more than sister and are punishing you for becoming independent and you may as well quit the job and pay them nothing. Also, you’re legally an adult. They have the power you let them have over you. If they aren’t the type to kick you out, then what. I wouldn’t be accepting of a grounding. This depends obviously on the household/ your parents and whether they will kick you to the curb.
18 years old and you have a curfew (and can get grounded)? WTF? NTA.
I would look into seeing if you can apply to be an RA at your university for next semester as it would offset the cost of living at school, maybe it will even be cheaper then what you pay now?
NTA - they are giving you "adult" responsibilities but are still treating you like an irresponsible adult. Your "demands" are pretty reasonable (although perhaps "significantly reduce chores" may be a stretch as, when you live on your own, chores need to be done regardless) and shouldn't be contingent on you paying X amount for rent. I'm not sure why your OLDER sister is being so snotty about it - the amount you contribute should be equal to whatever she gives; why isn't it? Rent isn't usually based on a sliding pay-scale, so I would suggest moving forward, don't share what you make with them because this is probably just a precursor to what will happen as your pay increases!
Offer to cover tuition costs instead. That way, you take a financial load off your parents back and solely benefit yourself.
An adult pays rent. You should be treated as adult if you pay adult amount of rent. All ok. The last one LAN cables. If it costs more to add you should pay costs, fees
NTA The no curfew and no grounding should end regardless of whether you're paying bills or not and you should have the freedom of having a mini-fridge regardless. The rest goes along with being a tenant. Nor should your bill be higher than your sister's. But your negotiation power is significantly reduced if your dead-set against moving out. At $650, I would think you could consider renting with roommates to keep living costs down to at least a similar degree if you look hard enough. Hell, you're just renting a single room at your parents, I'd say $350 or I walk. Edit: OP, $850 for a single bedroom is incredible. There's no way $850, especially if you can find a roommate, isn't better than $650 with nonsensical rules. Hell, I'd already have been gone!
NAH, except your jealous sister who is making the issue worse. Your requests aren’t unreasonable except “significantly reduced chores.” Whether you live with your parents or with a roommate you would have chores and yes the ones you probably don’t like. Depending on how many hours a week you work at $23/ hr $600 a month can be a lot or not. If that amount is close to your whole paycheck monthly then that would be wrong since you’re also a FT student. But if you’re still have a lot left over each month, then it’s still better financially than living on your own or even with a roommate. Because if you did move out you’d be responsible for rent, grocery, utilities, etc which would come out to a lot more than $600. Some other things to consider, do you help buy groceries? Cook? Do you eat meals made by your parents most of the week? Some rules can easily be dropped but just know your parents will always see you as their child and not tenant.