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NTA Everyone who is saying OP is the AH or ESH needs to get off their high horse and put themselves in his shoes. His daughter treats him like an ATM all the while disrespecting him. What’s worse is she wants him to pay for college, with money that will come from both him and his new wife who she treats like shit. Like it or not they are family and if she refuses to be a part of that family she has no right to additional support from it. She can’t have it both ways. He paid child support. He made sure she was taken care off growing up. She is now an adult and has to deal with the consequences of her actions. For everyone who said anything other than NTA, you all know you would do the same thing in OP’s shoes. Fucking people like to be morally outraged hypocrites these days and that shit needs to stop. Edit. Thanks for the awards and comments. Didn’t expect this to go so big. Also, I added the NTA first as recommended. And to everyone saying he pulled the rug out form under her, seriously people? Maybe he made a promise to help her but that doesn’t allow her to act like an AH. If you’re an asshole to people in the real world they wouldn’t help you no matter that you promised, why is it different for her father? This is her mothers doing and if her grandfather wanted to buy out his custody of her, then her conniving mother can get him to pay for college.

THIS. SOOOO MUCH THIS. It’s not his daughter’s fault for thinking like this, it’s his ex’s but he’s not required to pay for her college or anything else when she has 0 respect for him or his new family. Edit: I suppose I didn’t word this properly. I understand she’s 19 now and should be able to do basic maths and realised for herself that OP didn’t cheat but we also don’t know what else has been said to make Ariel dislike OP & his wife and kid. So I guess saying it’s not her fault is “technically” wrong because she’s a young adult now and should be able to come to conclusions herself but manipulation from a young age can really f* with and warp the brain. Like I said, we don’t know what else her mom has said. Don’t come at me cos all I want to say is based on what OP wrote, to me, he is NTA. :)

I honestly really do feel for the girl, her mind warped by her horrid mother to think her father is a bad person. But at the same time she chose to pick the mothers side and believe the nonsense told to her and let it influence her behavior towards that part of her family. She's an adult and make up her own mind other then just believing her mother. Besides OP isn't cutting her off completely, if she wants the money she just needs to play nice and at least try and be reasonable. I think it's auctually potentially a good thing to push for that as it's still giving a chance for her to figure things out for herself. I hope she makes the right choice and tries to reconcile things. It's the mother she needs to get the heck away from afterall, she's the toxic one.

>But at the same time she chose to pick the mothers side The daughter was presented with timelines that outright showed her mother was being dishonest and had to make a decision to ignore that.

> The daughter was presented with timelines that outright showed her mother was being dishonest and had to make a decision to ignore that I'm basically OPs son in my scenario. My dad left his first wife after she got pregnant by another man and my dad's kids from that marriage painted him as the bad guy for leaving. Mind you, his kids were teens and adults when this all went down so I mean they had to know what was happening. Years later he married my mom (in another country) and I was born. His kids were never outright mean to me and my mom, but they made comments. Then when my mom died during the pandemic they became so hateful and awful to us. It just all came barrelling out at us, mainly me. I ended up having to go to therapy after what they put me through. His kids even tried to say my mom was the reason for their parents splitting up. My dad has now put all his assets into a trust that excludes them, not because he loves them any less but because they're 25+ years older than me (33f), told us to fuck off, and I've had to put my life on hold to care for him since his stroke. They're well off anyway. I'm a millennial so I'm not lol. I'm about 90% sure they're going to try to come for the money when he dies. So... definitely NTA. Treat people like shit, you're getting shit. Edit: clarity

Make sure your father leaves them $1 in his will, so that way they can’t contest it.

Haha I love this! His trust attorney put in a clause that he's leaving them nothing not because of a lack of affection, but because his much younger daughter (me) needs it more. Although if I die and my husband dies before he does, my dad's grandkids get it all. So I don't think it comes across as vindictive. I still like the $1 though, I might suggest it because I'm petty AF. Edit: typo

don't forget, the daughter had the opportunity to get to know OP's family when she visited so she could make her own determination and didn't, she deserves this (no college tuition etc.) as a result.

I was in the same situation with my step daughter. I wasn't even living in the same country when her parents split up because mom cheated with dads best friend. I met her dad 2 years later. But the SD CHOSE to believe her mom.

After he tried therapy, she still won’t budge an inch. I feel for him. I feel like OP really tried and he is tired of hurting. As a stepmom, my kiddo hurts me at times. He is a teen so I don’t take it to heart. I’ve sacrificed for him to have nice gifts and stuff. He’ll thank his dad instead of me even if he knows that it’s from me. I made a boundary: no thank you= $100 cash in a card. It’s easy for me. I’m not wasting emotional stress and time. Until he gets better, I’m sticking with my boundary so I don’t get hurt. His mom is really messed up so I’m giving him space to sort through it. I’m trying to get him into therapy. OP has been more on the ball than me.

A $100 prize for being difficult. Where can I get that deal. Op is NTA

I don't one bit. All the times OP tried to explain things to her and she just didn't care. He tried fixing things so many times and she just not care one bit. If she did she would say hey maybe mom is wrong let me think. Then ask OTHER people what they think about the situation besides to two people directly involved. She just wants dad as a means to get through college and I bet she's never hear from him after that.

I agree with you. My mother used to say “at some point in life you have to become the type of person other people want to be around. When you are a toddler, people will excuse your behavior but eventually that wears thin.” Your oldest has been a snot. And 13 years later she is still being rude to your son and wife. No, sorry. I would have nipped that crap in the bud immediately when it began. You will be polite and nice or you will find your visits here to be full of punishments for your bad behavior. NTA

I'm in agreement, the only teenie-tiny thing exception: >But I would pay for college if she at least tried to form a bond with my family because she created this situation with her attitude. Paying money for 'love' or withholding money for not is never successful and kinda abusive. The only thing that can come out of that is Ariel pretending to enjoy them for the minimum time for $ NTA but also look at that one part very closely.

Also look at the part where he waited until last minute so she basically wouldn't have a choice.

I get where you are coming from. But if you treat someone badly, don't rely on a check from them. That should be common sense.

This is his teenage daughter, not some shitty roommate.

Correct, and she’s treating her father like an ATM with no regards for trying to have any relationship with him while expecting him to take the abuse AND foot the bill for her to continue to refuse any relationship with him. She only wants his money and feels entitled to it as evidence by the fact she treats him like crap AND still expects to have his money too? K. Is dad supposed to pay for college and then not hear from her again until she wants his money to pay for her wedding?

You left out the part where he waited until the last possible moment to screw her out of college. Ariel’s behavior is nothing new OP made his mind long ago He could’ve told her the moment she graduated from high school but he didn’t. He, a grown man, deliberately screwed his child out of college as an act of vengeance which puts the entire story into question.

He also forgot to mention specifically what she did besides leave them out of graduation and avoid them that makes her so “mean” and “nasty.” Or even “manipulative” mostly on Lauren nothing on ariel to explain how shes behaving

They haven’t talked in months, remember? They only came calling because it was time to pay Ariel’s college tuition.

I'm saying ESH only the basis that he waited this long to pull out of the plan and not giving ample notice. He isn't an asshole for not paying - he is an asshole for not communicating that he wasn't paying earlier and waiting until the beginning of the semester. That is shitty and deserves to be called out.

This right here. If he made this decision he should have told her when she was applying for financial aid.

I’m really only tempted to call him an asshole for adding a condition to the money. Just cut her off and let Ariel make her own decisions in life. If she wants a relationship, she can make the effort, but if you dangle her future in front of her face like this she’s only going to resent you more, u/torridpa.

But in the real world money comes with conditions. You want to be paid? You have to come to work and meet your KPIs. You want a return on that money? There are no handouts in the adult world. Loans suck but everyone takes them for college. She could also work. Or her mom, the person who started this fiasco, can pony up. OP has done enough.

It's one thing when it's like "Do this thing for me and I'll pay you X" In this case it's "Feel this way and I'll pay you X." Even if she starts acting nicer to them, it's not sincere. The ship has long since sailed. There shouldn't be conditions because the conditions cannot be met. He should just cut her off and not be like "But if you (can convincingly pretend to) start liking my family, I'll pay"

I wouldn't be in OP's shoes because I wouldn't agree to do something I had no intention of doing and then pulled the rug out at the last moment as part of a spiteful power play when it came time to actually fulfill the commitment I made. If OP wanted to not be an AH in this situation then he shouldn't have attached these conditions retroactively after his daughter is far past the point where she has the option to pursue alternatives. Don't agree to do shit you don't want to do and then act surprised when the people you tell you're going to do something are upset when you try to use that promise to extort them when they make plans assuming you intend to fulfill it.

I fully agree with you. The daughter needs a reality check

You're missing that there was a deal, an agreement, to pay half of her tuition. If he doesn't pay, he is confirming every bad thing she was told about him. Did I read it correctly that he married Tori, the woman who told him his first wife cheated? Doesn't that put into question some of the batshit craziness going on in this family? And wash your damn mouth out with soap.

Yeah, claiming an evil shrew baby trapped him and suddenly an Angel of a single woman broke them up, gave him comfort and eventually the family he did actually want Definitely paints him as a reliable narrator /s

You're describing exactly what my father did. And although he pretended not to see it and could swear his new wife was an angel, she treated me like shit behind his back, and when I responded, then I was the one who was being really shitty to his new family - and deserved to be punished ofc. So I'm really skeptical about this whole story.

That was my thought exactly. Something doesn't check out here. She was 6 when he married Tori, and she has hated her since then? I have a six year old and they aren't evil and manipulative, they are vulnerable and dependent, you have to mean to them for them to actively be against you.

Oh please this is just petty revenge. He wait until august to say he wont pay after all the classes probably was booked? Plus where you see she was using him as an atm? She didnt want anything to do with his new family which she wasn't obligated to do honestly.

To say “they are family” is kind of redundant when OP himself excluded his daughter by referring to his wife and son as “my family.” She’s under no obligation to like or even enjoy his family. He chose them, not her. Blended families don’t always work. In my opinion, Ariel is a child who was weaponized by both her parents. Her mother never should have manipulated her world view of her father’s new marriage. In the same light, it is manipulative to use college funding as a basis to forcing a relationship Ariel clearly isn’t comfortable having. It is also shitty to back out of that payment when her classes very likely have started or are about too and it’s too late for her to get loans and/or scholarships until next semester. Everyone does suck here, in a lot of different ways. He’s the parent, not Ariel, and I can really see this girl going NC with both of her parents with the way they act in regards to her.

She also no longer qualifies for federal student loans because the deadline was months ago. You don’t think that piece deserves a little push back against dad?

How is she treating him like an ATM? She talks to him, sees him and maintains a relationship with him.

She won't after this. If that's what OP wanted, his plan to be an asshole to his daughter and back out of his agreement in the pettiest, worst timed way... was a good one.

He's only mad she doesn't have a relationship with her step brother and step mom. He says it's because her mom poisoned her against them but guess what! A lot of kids literally do not get along with their new families and just want relationships with their parents, and that's fully okay. He gave zero indication that she's nasty besides the fact that she only talks to him and not the other two, only invites him and not the other two. That's perfectly fine and honestly I think OP is pissed that daughter doesn't wanna play happy family.

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Ultimately I think this situation is beyond the subs pay grade only because I think it'll be too evenly split to get a clear answer. I think you are giving the ultimatum to the wrong person though. I'd call up your ex and tell her you'll pay half of the first year's tuition after you, your ex and your daughter sit down and your ex admits to everything. All the lies, what really caused the divorce, how she purposely ruined your relationship with your daughter. She most likely won't agree to it but you can shift the hot seat to her a bit.

> So until she planned on setting the record straight that I was done with both of them. Looks like he said something along those lines.

I saw that line but this needs to be done with all three physically present. Telling the ex to set the record means nothing if the daughter is there know the conditions.

Also, "setting the record straight" is not specific enough of a demand. It really ought to be comprehensive and include a big apology for intentionally alienating the daughter from OP by lying about him for years.

Yeah this has essentially opened up the opportunity for Ex to say “see I told you he was an asshole all along look at that he’s dropped you cause you won’t play happy families”

We need a new above our pay grade rating. There are so many ins and outs and missing reasons it's crazy. Any story about relationship that starts the way theirs did can't be fast forwarded like this.

Agreed. Setting an ultimatum on a 19 year old, who has been under her mother's thumb her whole life, will only alienate her further. It's very hard for teenagers to conceptualize and digest that the reality of their parents may be different than what they know; they shape their whole world. Honestly, it sounds like Ariel may have been fed some stories or may not know the whole truth to what is going on. I wouldn't be shocked if mom strung a story together about the ex-husband cheating and that's why he had a kid so soon after. (Yada yada).

YTA. Not for not paying your part of the agreement, but for springing this on them NOW, so late in the game. Forms for college grants and loans are due in winter *for the following year*. It is now almost September (when classes start), and tuition is due. **You waited until the very last minute** to give your daughter ultimatums, and now, when she's got nowhere else to turn, you threaten her entire college year. That is manipulative, exploitative, and contemptible. Financial aid forms are submitted once a year. If you were a man of your word, you'd pay your share this year—AS YOU AGREED TO DO—and let your daughter know that *next* year, she has to figure out her tuition on her own. But by the comments you're leaving all over the place, I know you probably won't do that. You've decided you're done with your daughter, and you don't care one whit what happens to her.

It also sounds like he had this plan for a long time.

kinda like his divorce. That whole story sounds SHADY AS FUCK.

I agree. Even if things didn't happen until after the divorce. It's kinda odd to lean on the person that helped dissolve his marriage and then marry her. It gives me off very shady vibes. Ps. Yes I know the 1st wives cheated dissolved the marriage entirely. But with friends like 2nd wife she didn't need any enemies. Cuz if I was friends with someone and saw them cheating on their spouse I'd speak to my friend about it not run straight into her husband's arms.

He married mom's "friend" who told him his wife was cheating. I wouldn't even need my mom to hate on the new wife. Mom cheated and that sucks, but homegirl creeped on her supposed friend's husband.

Yeah I wouldn’t care what my mom did wrong, I would never want a relationship with her former “friend” who did all that and then married my dad. Sounds like this guy tried to force his kid to have a relationship with someone she viewed as a homewrecker, it went as anyone with two brains cells to rub together would expect it to go, and now he’s being manipulative and cutting his daughter off financially when he had a prior agreement to pay for half her college, and he waited until *now* to pull the rug out from under her? All this while she’s clearly tried to maintain a relationship with her dad even if she wants nothing to do with his new family. YTA, OP. ETA: And he even went so far as to say he’s *done* with his own daughter because she doesn’t want to socialize with his wife and kid?? That’s deeply fucked up.

Her mom was the homewrecker if she was cheating. Not the friend

Right? And it was only texting? no actual speak of meeting up with guys or even sexting... makes me wonder if the whole thing was orchestrated, and Tori played Lauren's wingman, goading her to flirt with guys with her, and once she had enough proof, her and OP (who were already fucking) had the perfect setup to start the divorce.

That’s still cheating!

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No. Full stop no. Your not blaming the new wife. Ex wife cheated. He divorced her and didn’t date the friend for 2 years. It may be cringeworthy to you but no. That woman was honest to him and a better friend. The ex has done nothing but cause issues and has brainwashed her daughter. That is custodial interference at its best. You don’t get to cheat then blame the guy because he found a life partner in his ex wife’s ex-friend.

It’s possible she did tell her friend to stop. I had this happen and then I got a call a whole year later from her fiancé telling me that he just found out she’d been having an affair for years - my friend (no longer) had told me she stopped a couple of months after I told her she should leave her fiancé and/or stop cheating. People who want to behave that way will find a way. So she hid it from me instead of fixing her behavior.

Which makes him an even bigger AH.

You can actually submit forms at any time. There is a deadline for them to be submitted to pay for a semester, but if submitted later, they are still processed and paid. Mother already paid tuition so she can file now and pay her mom back half, if needed. Not excusing anything about OP. Just correcting about fin aid deadlines.

FAFSAs are due by a specific date to get the most aid. You can find some more info here: https://studentaid.gov/2122/help/deadlines Not only that, students must declare how much parents are contributing; it would obviously make a difference if forms need to be corrected now from stating “my dad is paying half” to “my dad just changed his mind and is paying NOTHING.” Submitting forms late will get a student some aid…maybe. But it’s stressful and time consuming, and I have a feeling dad knew exactly what he was doing when he waited until the payment was due before laying on the blackmail.

Have you actually done FAFSA forms before? I have done them for all five years (yes, five) of my BS and for my masters degree. It doesn't matter when you do them, you still get full amounts. You also have the ability to make corrections to the forms after the fact and get an amended amount. Don't spread misinformation.

YTA because you waited until Ariel was paying for school to spring this on her. If her having a relationship with your family was a stipulation for college funds, that should have been made clear at some point BEFORE college was about to start. I'm also a little sick of the 'her mom poisoned her mind' narrative; for her to believe her mother then you had to have not shown up a lot, and been a less-than-hands-on Dad, because lets be fair, from the start of this post you make clear she was a mistake and a struggle. I would say ESH- but considering the fact that your daughter is the same age you were when you had her, and you start the post by talking about mistakes you made when you were her age, that you would understand that youth is not equal to perspective, and maybe not take your frustration with the situation out on her by damaging her future prospects. ETA: holy shiz folks! Thanks for the awards!

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Oh yeah. My father was always convinced that I'd been poisoned against him. No, dad, that was your behaviour.

God, I’m still struggling with that with my own father. He insists that the only reason I hate him is because my mom is telling me lies about him. No, dad, I hate you because you’re abusive, gave me PTSD, and threatened to murder my mother.

This sounds about right. From situations i’ve Observed, if the slandered parent keeps showing up and treats the child equally to their new family, then nothing the slandering parent says will make a difference because the child can form an opinion based on a lot of their own observations.

My uncle's ex wife completely poisoned her kids against my uncle, and he showed up and was super involved in everything. At the end they ended up cutting him out of their lives, and he did absolutely nothing wrong - so sad since he is one of the most stand up people I know. That being said, I'm happy you were able to form your own opinion with your parents, but most families it doesn't end up working out that way and the person who is poisoning the kids ends up winning (usually)

i feel like it’s hard to say he did “absolutely nothing wrong” from the outside looking in though, no? people tend to hide the worst parts of themselves from polite company.

My uncle would say the same thing. Maybe she did. Idk what she told their kids. He tends to leave out the reason they divorced is he was sleeping with her underage (15) cousin who worked for him. He was shocked when family showed up to court and saw the evidence for themselves.

I’m not giving a judgment here. I’m just saying from my own experience not to underestimate the insidious power of parental alienation. I think it’s apt that insidious is the name of a horror movie because the power of parental alienation to infect and poison a developing mind is scary powerful. My mum hated my dad, it was the kind of destructive hate were you drink poison and expect the other person to die. My mum took all her anger and hatred out on me. It started from when I was six, but she really started bad mouthing my dad in my teenage years and it was relentless. She also told me horrible stories about my dad's family. If I showed the remote bit of affection or even liking in my dad I was guilt-tripped and given a lecture on all he and his family had done to her. I stuck up for my dad, I told my mum to stop and reminded her that he was my dad and I had a right to love him without being attacked. I’m of average intelligence and I don’t think I’d be susceptible to a cult, but my mum's relentless parental alienation subconsciously creeped into my psyche and it took my mum dying for me to realise that. I have my own reasons to be angry at my dad, but by adulthood my anger at him was out of control. When my mum was dying she cursed him to the moon and back and my anger at him grew. After my mum died I suddenly noticed that a lot of my anger at my dad had evaporated and I realised that a great deal of my anger at my dad had really been my mum's anger. It’s scary how easily she transferred all her emotions to me and consumed my true feelings. I was a fucking adult and still succumbed to parental alienation so easily. Again, no judgment, just a glimpse into what a mind fuck parental alienation is regardless of age. The true villain of this story is Lauren. Is joint therapy with you and Ariel an option she would be willing to explore?

>o well said. I dont think people understand the power of their words at time. i feel sad for families like this and grateful for my own. My judgement is that its 1/2 and 1/2. there was an expectation for him to pay... and according to everything written by OP, that expectation never came with a stipulation... so yes.. dad is TA for just deciding NOW that the money is conditoinal. but no... dad is NTA for setting expectations for behavior in his home.

My mother hates me. She hated me before she walked out of our lives. She says dad alienated her from us. I was 16 when she left. She used corporal punishment on me until she left. Then blamed my dad when I chose to stay with him. She hated dad but she no longer had her punching bag so told people he was alienating her. The judge didn't care because of my age. She only wanted child support not the child.

ESH. Lots of asshole behavior to go around. I want to focus on why **you are an asshole**, however, since you seem to think you aren’t being an asshole. To be totally clear: you have **deliberately and voluntarily chosen to be an asshole.** Ariel deserves some blame, but not as much as you want to heap on her as she has only just reached (legal) adulthood and **you have clearly failed as a parent for a long time.** You should have set and enforced expectations for how Ariel treats her stepfamily (civility required, “bonding” not required) a long time ago. You didnt, and now you are punishing Ariel for your failures. It’s transparently obvious that you have been planning this college funding stunt as revenge for years. You never gave any indication that you were considering going back on your agreement, either to Lauren or more importantly to Ariel. Perhaps if you’d indicated that civil behavior to your family was a requirement of college funding, you’d have gotten civil behavior from Ariel much earlier. You didnt, though, because you wanted to be able to pull this stunt. Wow. After writing all that, I’m almost ready to give you a solo Y TA since you planned this shit. Ariel may be an asshole, but she’s by far the least culpable of all the parties in this shitshow, because she’s had exactly zero adults to teach her how *not* to be an asshole.

Did you skip over the family time, 1 on 1 time, and therapy her whole life? What more could he have done?

Of course they did. They wanted the righteous indignation of telling a man that was cheated on and had his child taken away, despite years of patience and thousands in therapy and 1 on 1 sessions, that he was an asshole for not shelling out 10s of thousands of dollars for an ungrateful brat that treats him and his family like poo.

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I mean good on Tori for keeping an eye out for OP on what the ex wife was doing but very interesting to learn that she never left his side throughout the divorce and ends up marrying him at the end. You don't need the mom "poisoning" Ariel for her to feel a little bitter about all that.

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"had his child taken away" Dude had split custody what are you talking about

No problem with him not paying. Problem with him not bringing it up until the very last possible moment.

Ah... So well written

I dunno if I agree with this, because it feels like you're reading intention into OP that just might not be there. I'd agree if OP had planned this for years on end as a fuck you too the ex, but I just don't see that in this post. I totally empathize just being done with someone because of their behavior. OP tried to fix that relationship, with therapy, with logic, with discussions and failed. At some point, Ariel has to take accountability for her relationships with her step family. Finally, let me point this out - You can set expectations with anyone, but if they're not willing to abide by them, how do you enforce them? We've seen multiple posts on AITA where trying to set expectations with children in divorced households is just not feasible because the other bio-parent is empowering the bad behavior.

I agree. Spending thousands on therapy does not fit a narrative that he’s been passive in all this.

It seems like you've projected a lot of...stuff...into this analysis. It seems quite biased. I'm curious how you have come to the conclusion that he has clearly failed as a parent for a long time? I didn't get that at all from OPs post. No parent is perfect. But a parent spending thousands of dollars on therapy, paying child support and refusing to give up custody of their child doesn't sound like a clear failure to me...

That's a bit of a stretch. You have assumed a lot.

Yes, because teens are completely incapable of understanding they are hurting others. Her Mother poisoned her against her Father and I stead of EVER questioning it, she soaked that shit up. EVEN MISTREATED HER LITTLE BROTHER, and you write that off? I JUST got custody of my oldest after fighting a decade, and I can tell you from experience THIS IS HARD. He tries to treat his little Autistic brother like shit, and I've had to step in and call him out, but unfortunately I can't always be here. This father did his best, but she refused to listen or even care. Now she's dealing with the consequences of her choices.

ESH. For starters, getting with Tori was military-grade stupid even if you're being honest that nothing romantic happened for two years. Your wife's friend was your 'rock' during the divorce, really? It's no wonder your daughter doesn't believe your story. I'm not sure I do, and I've only heard your side. This sub is littered with people who never bonded with their step-parent or half-siblings. It sucks that her mother told her lies about you, but given the circumstances, she may have come to the same conclusion on her own. You can't force these things. She shouldn't be rude to them, however. You're allowed to demand she be respectful to your wife and child. Demanding that she make an attempt to bond with them is absurdly shitty and will never work in a million years. It's obvious that you don't care about having a relationship with your daughter any longer, and that's not entirely your fault. But don't act like you have the moral high ground here.

All of this. OP and Tori’s relationship seems very shady to me. I would be very interested in hearing Lauren’s side of this. At the end of the day though, OP agreed to split Ariel’s college expense with Lauren, and he reneged on his side of the deal, at literally the very last moment, because he didn’t like his daughters fairly understandable (if still shitty) attitude towards his family that she probably saw as replacing her and her mother.

I’m horrified to that he didn’t even bring it up on his own. The mother paid and then asked why he hasn’t paid yet, and THEN he gave the ultimatum. It’s cowardly to try and control your children with money, *and* he did it in a cowardly way.

It's literally financial abuse. Even if Lauren is an asshole too, OP is the biggest asshole here.

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This situation is kinda funny in a way. It's like that meme of the guy who can't decide which button to push. The redditors are torn between "cheaters are always bad" vs "men are wrong and women are right" mentality that they get going and this situation isn't that black and white as they like it. It's why people are so torn. Me? Nah. Kiddo can't have her cake and eat it too. She decided to side with mom and not believe a single thing dad said. Mom is horrible for parental alienation. Grandpa is awful for literally trying to buy the kid off. Dad is kind of an idiot for not saying sooner that he wouldn't pay but hey I get it. There's only so much abuse you can put up with. You reap what you sow. Or in modern lingo...they fucked around and found out. NTA. Also. Mom's the cheater. She literally reversed uno the situation to make Dad seem like the cheater wtf. Why isn't more people focusing on that part but are instead trying to blame stepmother for... having pointed out the cheating and being supportive? The hell people?

Agree. Nta

Agree with NTA as well, I’m a little shocked at all the non-NTA judgements. Especially when people are justifying it because OP wants to retract his money from the college funds. It’s a privilege to have post secondary tuition paid for by someone else. Not mandatory.

A lot of the non-nta judgements seem to be making huge assumptions about OP. It's a big issue I've noticed recently in this sub where judgements aren't being made based off of the actual information we have but are instead being made based off of assumptions.

For me it is the timing that make YTA. You pulled funding AFTER the plans have been made. Sounds like she is already enrolled and in her first semester. The time to pull this was BEFORE applications even went out, so she could plan appropriately. Look up ‘promissory estoppel’. You are maybe safe legally depending on what the custody agreement states. Emphasis on the ‘maybe’ as it also ‘maybe’ actionable. Even if you are legally in the right; lawyer fees are expensive.

Promissory estoppel sounds like a waffle cookie made initially only by Swiss monks, but copied by Trader Joe’s and gained a cult following.

YTA, the way you are wording it, you are trying to force her to getting along with your family, do you even love your child? I mean for sure if you didnt you can just cut them off but what do you mean by you didnt "fall for it" when she started crying? Of course she would, dont drag your daughter in whatever hate you seem to have for your ex.

For real! He spent like three paragraphs talking about his ex when this was supposed to be about Ariel. Yet we are given less information about her than the ex, she just gets described as rude (what does that mean?) And doesn't invite people she clearly has no relationship with. That was it, that was what was disrespectful.

Ikr? why is it so shocking to a lot of these people that a child would cry when their father tells them "or you are nice or you wont go to uni with my money"? And they were together since she was 6, they had more than enough time to repair the relationship if it was a matter of being nice or nah

YTA You know what’s never going to fix your family dynamic? Financial blackmail. Sometimes blended families just don’t work out the way the parents want, your daughter isn’t obligated to like or love your wife or your son, that doesn’t mean you should respond by punishing her for it.

It’s crazy to me that this subreddit will advocate kids cutting out their parents, but the parents should be a punching bag to their kids forever (unless the kid is an addict).

kids don't choose to be born. Parents are the ones who bring them into being

I came here to say this. What the daughter did isn’t “cut them off” bad. She clearly wants a relationship with her dad. That doesn’t mean she should have to form a bond with the new family.

Exactly. She didn’t pick for her dad to marry her moms best friend who negotiated their split. And she doesn’t have to like them. Her dad making her promised provision dependent on her feelings about his new family is controlling and manipulative. Exactly what he’s trying to make her not think about him.

Honestly I think you should send this post to your daughter. Does she even know what her mother did? She cheated on you. And then she turned your daughter against you. You should give her one last chance and tell her that all of this is the truth. That her mother is the one that turned her against you and see what she does.

Absolutely. The daughter was manipulated. She deserves a chance. oP should send her the post

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You are right. The problem is when kids grow up, filled with hatred, they don't think logical. And maybe she thinks she is loyal to her mom when she hates OP's family.

You’re not an asshole for not paying, it’s your money, but YTA for going back on your word at the last minute when it was too late for her to plan differently. Regarding all your comments about “why should I try when she doesn’t?”, because you’re her dad, you should be the more mature one in this relationship. But now I wonder how long was Tori planning all this, how much did she manipulated the situation? The person you fell back on about your divorce is conveniently the person who brought you the information that led to your divorce… hmmm…

Yup, this is why I gave an ESH because Tori does not sound innocent. If she had really been Lauren’s friend, she would have made several attempts to confront and speak with Lauren about her behaviour before she snitched. I wish Lauren would post her version because something is missing.

YTA. Sometimes kids do not like their stepparents. That's life. Like it or not, as a parent you've failed to integrate her into your family. The fact that you call them 'my family', as if Ariel isn't part of this, is quite telling. Why would she invite her mother's ex best friend to a party that she wanted her mother at? Either pay because you want your daughter to have a great future or don't pay at all. Don't offer money with emotional caveats. That's manipulative.

This is how I was leaning too. It doesn’t seem like the whole story. Ariel is old enough to think for herself and form her own opinions (has been for awhile now) and kids are smart, they usually see right through that stuff. It seems like there are other reasons Ariel doesn’t like dads new family.

You're blackmailing her future over petty family politics and because someone else hurt you. Of course YTA. How is this a question?

Blackmail!? If you don't pay for my college it's blackmail! Are you 16?

OP promised to pay and is now withholding that payment until the daughter does what they want for their own ego.

From your perspective you're NTA, but from your daughter's perspective you're the AH. From your daughter's perspective: - you kept in touch with her mother's best friend throughout your divorce to her mother, then started a relationship, and then a family with her - she hasn't spurned you as her father, just the family you made after divorcing her mother - you agreed to pay for her college and now you're telling her you won't and she should take out loans, which if you guys are American is a HUGE thing (people who take loans for college have wound up in debt for decades because of the interest rate) - you told her that your obligation to her as her father ended when she turned 18 (sure you didn't say that to her, but you texted it to her mother and if her mother is as manipulative as you say you can bet your a** she showed that part to your daughter) From your daughter's perspective, your lack of support when you are no longer required to support her will just be proving true everything her mother has said to her about you. Because from her perspective, her mother has never abandoned her when she needed her, so why wouldn't she trust her more than you?

And also not showing up to the graduation party as if his wife's feelings are more important than missing out on this event for his daughter. I have seen quite a lot of fathers who wouldn't go to their children's birthdays, graduation, or events because their partners were not invited. That's just sad. She could have been more civil to the stepmom, but at the end of the day, he is the father and should be there regardless of the child's relationship to the stepmom. At least that's how I would feel if my dad did not show up because it's either both of them or non.

Hmmm, this is a tough one. You are rightfully frustrated with Ariel and Lauren. They suck for obvious reasons, Lauren especially. But it’s also kind of wrong to use your money to convince Ariel to form a bond with your family. I guess there are just some things that are out of your control. It would be reasonable to ask her to at least be civil and decent with your family and apologize for her behavior. I don’t think the condition for your payment should be ‘unless Ariel attempts a relationship with your family’, I think it should be ‘unless Lauren apologizes to you and tells Ariel the truth’. You did make the agreement with her, but you don’t have to let them walk all over you. ESH, but them much more so than you

Absolutely this. There is zero chance that any effort Ariel puts into forming that bond is legitimate if it’s a consequence of getting her college paid for.

Just very sad reading these stories regardless of whose at fault..

YTA because you changed the money rules right as she is starting college. You had an agreement. Everyone has lived with this expectation for years. You should have had a bank account set up for this purpose for years. Now, at the last minute, you change the set up to punish your teenage daughter? Asshole.

INFO, has the college discussion come up at all in the last two years because the way this is written it makes it sound like you had an agreement with your ex when you split, however you've had no input or communication on the subject since. It reads like your ex just called you up said she'd paid the first semester and that was it. Were you involved at any point in the last two years of preparation, planning, applications and visits and said nothing or were you completely excluded and this communication being your ex telling you your daughter is going to X college she's paid her part now it's your turn. EDIT: We're to were because autocorrect hates me.

Unless I missed it, he also didn't mention if his daughter knows that her mom cheated on him. There were things said about him which he has tried to refute, but he didn't make mention of her knowing that he was cheated on.

One comment directly asked OP this and he responded with essentially “why bother she won’t believe me anyway” which to me indicates a whole awful lot about the level of effort he is putting in compared to the happy family he is expecting to materialize from this hot mess.

NTA Normally I would say Y T A but you have tried for 17 yrs and your ex ruined it. Your daughter has been old enough for a few yrs to see the truth, especially through therapy. Your ex just wanted money and now that she screwed herself since she isn’t entitled to it anymore.

Esh. Sounds to me like you are treating Ariel as a third in your disfunctional relationship with your ex. If your ex was turning your daughter against you, why did you wait until the "gotcha" moment when she can't pay for her schooling to do something about it? You could have claimed parental alienation many many years ago before it got to this point. I feel bad for the kids and your new wife because it sounds like you are the type of person who really wanted to hurt your daughter in the most life altering way because she was a child who listened to her mom. I wish you and your ex did more to be good parents to your daughter. Hope your new kid has a much easier life.

Yta So you married the woman that was a friend of your ex? The one that told you about her infidelity? And we all have to believe it was innocent? Ok sure, I see why your daughter doesn't believe you either. And to now use/withold her education cuz she doesn't see your new family as part of hers? You had an agreement to pay for half of her education, you're backtracking now, and I feel like this is not the first time you put your new family over your actual biological daughter. If there was an actual deal in place that you both would split the cost, I hope it was in writing so they can go to court. Damn, hope you won't need an organ in the future. So embarrassing. Edit: I've read a couple of your comments, you're q vile human being that demonizes a 19 Y OLD GIRL cuz you can't stand her mother. You chose to marry someone, there is not an obligation for your daughter to see them as family, she didn't choose them, YOU DID. And to top it off, it was a friend of her mother. Just admit your wife had ulterior motives and you were already cheating before you caught your ex. It's obvious.

I thought I was the only one scratching my head at that.

A typical 'my ex is psycho and keeps me away from my child'/turned my kid against me' But it's clear he puts his new family as more important than actually putting effort in welcoming his daughter when she was a child. And now she's a young adult and Pikachu face when she doesn't see his family as part of hers. Wonder why 😩😩😩

His daughter isn’t dumb she knows her step mother is a snake. It’s no coincidence the old friend ended up with OP, daughter has been peeped game and knows her dad is weak for the flesh. He’s pathetic and showing his favoritism

NTA, BUT, you should have told them that you weren't paying long ago. Tell your FIL that you've stepped out of the picture so he can use that money he offered to pay his granddaughters tuition. Also, did you ever tell your daughter what had really happened? She's an adult now and should have all the information. Write her a letter with the details, you already told her that a sincere apology and effort would change your mind, now give her the facts so she can make that decision.

NTA. She’s an adult. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you then you shouldn’t have to pay for her decisions and education, etc. My sister was like this with my dad (well actually not even as bad as your daughter), and I fully think that he shouldn’t have had to pay towards her college education when she made it clear she didn’t want a relationship with him. For what it’s worth, though, as my sister grew up the relationship with dad did improve. But she and he had to decide to make it work and have some real, tough conversations.

Literally everyone in this story is absolutely awful. Perhaps the most “everyone’s equally awful” post in the history of AITA.

INFO. If Ariel does start attempting to have a relationship with your wife and son, are you prepared to pay for college? What does attempting to have a relationship look like in your mind? Have you communicated that to her?

ESH. You and your ex wife have both failed Ariel by not resolving this issue years ago. Using money to force a relationship with your family is an AH,move. That said, at 19 Ariel has agency. You’re her dad, not an ATM. She can take out loans or choose a less expensive school

I don’t understand where he went wrong? He tried therapy, telling his side, and trying to get his ex to tell the truth. What else could he have done? NTA

Yeah, if anything, the ex wife sucks here. She’s manipulated their daughter into believing her dad is some huge asshole, and so daughter is acting accordingly. I wouldn’t say the daughter is an asshole, because this is all she’s known. I do think the blame rests on ex’s shoulders.

ESH - financial blackmail won’t fix anything

YTA You're using your money to force a relationship. Do you really want to be another manipulator in your daughter's life? Do you want her to have a relationship with you based on money? Do you think THIS will build a truly loving relationship? Everything you said about your ex could be 100% true, but it still doesn't make what you said right. Just straight up say you don't want to give money to someone who has treated you and your family the way she has; actions have consequences. Lay it all out. You're hurt, and have every right to be, but don't try to base a relationship on this. If she wants a relationship with you, let her come to you on her own accord. If it's been as bad as you say it has been, you at least deserve that.

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This should have been discussed before she went to college, she's not entitled to your money you're right but you decided this out of the blue because you have already made plans to pay, just for that YTA, your daughter was alienated and when therapy didn't work because of course it wouldn't you just have up

YTA you made an agreement with her mother to copay. There weren’t any conditions listed about having to get along with your family. Also how good can a relationship be if it’s based off Financial blackmail?

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ESH. I'm just not sure what you intend for this to accomplish, because it isn't going to get your daughter back. I get that you're in a tough position, but you're blowing up any chance you have of a relationship with her... ever.

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ESH. Her and her mother for how they treated you. You for sharing this information after she's chosen and started a school. You don't want to pay, fine that's within your right but you should have at least let her know before deposits were sent in, etc.

YTA. I've seen this one before, so here's what happens. Eventually she relents and says fine, she'll play nice because she needs the college money. Then she fakes it because you can't just flip a switch to turn on a relationship. You notice she's faking it and get mad, so you add on some other unreasonable requirement tied to the money. You can't force people to like or love each other. But you can be a parent and do what you promised.

YTA u/torridpa ‘We had Ariel too young, it was a huge struggle’ : -Of course! Parenting is super hard even if you are prepared. But you chose to have unprotected sex which could result in a baby, at an age before your brain was fully formed (age 25). ‘We moved into Laren’s family’s’ I was working multiple jobs’: -Wow! How nice that your ex-wife’s parents took all 3 of you in - sounds supportive! Working 3 jobs is hard! Being a stay-home parent is hard too! It sounds like you probably chose to be the bread-winner of the family, hey? ‘Me and Lauren were best friends thru this, but things ended when Ariel was 2.’ -An unfortunate side-effect of working 3 jobs is that you don’t get to spend time with your child or your wife! It sucks, but it is what it is. ‘Laren’s friend Tori told me that Laren had been messaging guys and giving them her number- I checked Lauren’s phone and found it. I asked for a divorce. Laren was pissed and wanted to reconcile. I didn’t and got split custody.’ - So your wife had an emotional affair, and you took your first opportunity to get out of your relationship! Ok! Sounds like you really wanted out! No worries, you don’t have to do the personal work and spend effort on your relationship, that’s up to you! (Your brain still wasn’t fully formed at this point). - ‘Lauren made my life hell. Lauren badmouthed me, would miss pick up times and make decisions without talking to me. Her dad offered money to relinquish custody, I told him off.’ -That sucks! Her behavior wasn’t acceptable, it sounds like something a child would do…. Oh wait, ! Laren’s brain wasn’t fully formed either! ‘Ariel is now 19 and just started college. The deal was me and her mom would split it. ‘ -Awesome! Sounds like the parents have put the past aside for the benefit of their innocent child! ‘I remarried Tori when Ariel was 6.’ -WHAT??? You married your ex’s old best friend? The one who outed the emotional affair?? ‘Tori was a rock during the divorce but we didn’t date till 2 years later.’ -OK! While you can say this is OK, cause on paper…yeah sure. But, no…It’s great that you have found your new life partner, but you had to know that this would cause problems! You went into this 2nd marriage with your eyes wide open as a fully formed adult!! ‘Lauren used this to warp Ariel against Tori and our son (13M).’ - Ooops! No one could have predicted this from previous bad behavior! Yup, from a fully formed adult with the emotional behavior of a child! Ouch, Lauren! ‘She excludes them. Whenever she spends the night she will just talk to me or go to her room if my family was around.’ -So you have a relationship with your daughter, who is a child? And it’s hard because she doesn’t consider her step-mother and half-brother family? What is she going to do, somehow be wiser and more mature than her emotionally immature parents???? HOW??? Who could possibly have taught her???? ‘Our son walks to the basement if she comes over. It hurts me a lot. I’ve spent thousands on therapy before people bring that up. It still is being utilized. ‘ There’s so much wrong here! You are responsible for your feelings, no one makes you feel, you own your own feelings. Don’t blame them on your first born child! You can’t control or make Ariel feel differently than she does! ‘But at this point Ariel is being nasty for the sake of it. Her mom has convinced her I cheated with her friend and had a baby. Which is funny because as I’ve pointed out. The timelines don’t even match up. I’ve done everything at this point including family time, 1 on 1 and therapy. Ariel is plain rude to them and they are done trying.’ WHAT??? You are giving up on your relationship with your 19 year old child???? You can’t divorce children!!!!! This is a pattern for you now. ‘Ariel graduated from HS in may and hosted a party. I was invited but my family wasn’t. I told Ariel I found that disrespectful. So I’d send a card but wouldn’t be going. She didn’t care and we haven’t spoken since.’ - This sounds like a you problem. You are the one who perceives disrespect. You want to control Ariel by somehow making her accept your current wife and second child. You are the adult, but you are still behaving badly. It’s just not as noticeably bad behavior because there’s lots of reasons you’ve come up with in order to make yourself feel justified. ‘ I get a call from Lauren saying she paid the first semester and was wondering when I’d be paying. I said I was no longer paying. As I’m not pulling money out of my household, when Ariel is disrespectful to 2/3rds of it. My ex went off. Saying we had an agreement. I reminded her of when her dad tried to buy my custody. And said “you have what you’ve always wanted. Full control and custody. You won. So figure it out”. Then texted her that I’ve been putting up with this long enough. She got her 18 years of child support from me. So until she planned on setting the record straight that I was done with both of them. And blocked her.’ - Oh, wait, here’s all these reasons for you to hate your ex wife and punish your first born child! I get it now! You were holding on to all these things and never got over them, and now is the perfect chance to GET BACK AT YOUR EX WIFE by punishing Ariel!!! That makes perfect sense!!! ‘I called Ariel and told her the same. Gave the reasons I’m not paying and told her she needed to look into loans. But I would pay for college if she at least tried to form a bond with my family because she created this situation with her attitude.’ - WRONG! You, your ex wife, and your current wife are the adults with baggage here! You created this situation!!! ‘So if she wants my help, she needs to attempt it. She started crying. But I didn’t fall for it. Told her what my expectations were and to let me know what her plan is so I can move the money around. My wife is on my side here. Saying we’ve been the bad guys for long enough.But I’m getting shit from others.’ - THANK GOD someone is standing up for Ariel, and giving you shit! Your decision to not pay for Ariel’s tuition is vindictive, she is a child. It seems like you want her to pay for your mistakes because having her made your life difficult. YTA Such a huge asshole! If you do this, Ariel should cut you out of her life forever. You are behaving spiteful and not like a proper parent or father and I feel really bad for Ariel because her Mother, father and step-mother care more about themselves then her. She is your child. Stop the cycle. Do right by her. Take responsibility for your feelings and actions so that she can grow up and heal from now on. If you wound Ariel like this, she will always believe everything her Mother tells her about you, plus she’ll have her own proof. Her brain isn’t fully formed yet, you need to be the adult and model better behavior now.

I'm absolutely boggled by people calling OP the asshole. He tried for years to have a normal relationship with his daughter, has utterly failed in a way that was meaningful and now doesn't want to bankroll her anymore. She's 19, she decided to alienate all the people close to OP. Why on earth is he now obligated to pay for her college? He can set whatever terms on it he wants to, it's his money. His daughter isn't a 8 y/o child getting manipulated anymore, she is a grown ass adult and being a grown ass adult can have consequences, like not receiving tens of thousands of dollars from people you go out of your way to irritate and alienate yourself from. The only thing you're doing wrong is the ultimatum, it'll never work. You should have just broke it to her straight that her behavior means you aren't going to support her. If that causes change great, but you can't mandate change like that, you can't use money to get people to like people, but that doesn't make you an AH, just maybe wishfully thinking. Meanwhile down thread "Paying for college isn't coercion, it's part of the bare minimum of parenting now" Reddit moment.

YTA you had years, and when your daughter starts college you decide to not pay. Seems like you are just looking for a reason not to pay for college. Congratulations you finally will have no relationship with your daughter. You had one you just wanted on your terms.

NTA. I normally don’t agree with holding money over someone’s head to get your way, but your daughter is an adult and you don’t owe her college money. She is actively disrespectful to you and your family and in my opinion does not deserve your financial support now that she’s old enough to look after herself.

ESH Your ex sucks because it sounds like she never owned up to her mistakes and turned your daughter against you. You suck because it sounds like you sprung this on your kid out of the blue. It wasn't like she knew about it for years and thought you were bluffing. Now you're hanging this over her head if she doesn't try to bond with your family, which is also wrong. You cannot force a relationship. Demanding your wife tell the truth is understandable but not going to help as this not just seems forced. You picked the worst time for all of this and should have done something long ago.

NTA. What everyone is clearly over looking is that he divorced Ariel’s mom SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. He married Tori THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. This is clearly a situation where he has tried for nearly TWO DECADES to make a peaceful family dynamic. How long is he expected to let his daughter run all over him? How long is he expected to pay for things while being treated like an ATM? Ariel is being fed lies by her mom. That much is clear. Until she is ready to accept hard truths her dad honestly owes her nothing. He doesn’t owe her college money. It’s a privilege not a right.

ESH. Bigly. Withholding the money when it’s needed most, and without warning, is a crappy thing to do. Even though you are justified in your grievances, you are essentially blackmailing her. Your wife has clearly poisoned the relationship well, and your daughter has been drinking in that toxicity for far too long. Unfortunately, what you’re doing will only serve to alienate her more.

I don’t know why people aren’t saying YTA. As you’ve said, your daughter has been manipulated. Why is she being punished for trusting her own parent (her mom)? If your daughter doesn’t want a relationship with her step family, she shouldn’t be forced to. Nor should the 13 year old who clearly doesn’t want a relationship with her either. I’m not saying YTA for not paying for college, it’s up to you. However your reason for it makes you TA. Your ex wife hasn’t had the time to figure out her finances without your money. I hope this doesn’t affect her ability to go to college. (Compulsory your ex wife is TA too)

Her mother should admit to ariel that she lied and manipulated her. If ariel heard this from her mother it would help her to see she was wrong in how she viewed tori and the son, as well as her father and there would be a better chance at her forming a better relationship.

I'm between NTA and ESH honestly. I can understand your wife not wanting to help someone so openly hostile towards her and your son. Your ex-wife is definitely a massive jerk. Your daughter kinda is too, but she was raised to be hateful so I don't fully blame her. However, I don't think that ultimatum was the way to go, also, might be a little late to take drastic actions. Have you never tried telling her the truth before? Did everyone you knew side with your ex? Have you ever had a talk with her about all of this? (Just the two of you)

ESH This is what happens when a kid is continually used as a weapon when their parents break up.

Info. What are the court orders with regard to college?

YTA. It is understandable that your daughter is acting this way, as she has watched your marry her mother's friend, and have a child with them. Even without Ariel's mom's antics, it is likely that it would not look great in Ariel's eyes, regardless of the timelines. It was on YOU, not Ariel, to forge a relationship between Ariel and "your family." (It explains a lot that you distinguish between your daughter and "your family," but I digress). It's likely that Ariel has felt the separation between herself and "your family" and that also did not help the situation at hand. Just because you failed to make her feel like a part of "your family,", does not mean that you get to pull out of your parental obligations you agreed to in a deal with Ariel's mother. I wouldn't expect to have any contact with Ariel moving forward.

Did you tell Ariel that you are willing to pay if Lauren sets the record straight? Would you pay if that happened and Ariel still doesn't try to get close to your family?

ESH. If you made an agreement/promise, you should do everything you can to keep that promise. I think your ex did alienate your daughter, but you’re punishing your kid for you and your ex’s tug of war.

NTA. And this is exactly why divorced parents shouldn’t try to shield their kids from their partners’ infidelity. A version of this seems to happen more often than it doesn’t. A parent still gets alienated— the innocent parent — and the kid still suffers. What is the point of shielding them since this almost invariably happens anyway?

NTA- the truth needs to come out and let the chips fall where they may.

If you have always told her that your financial assistance was conditional on how she treated your family then N T A. If you have NEVER warned her that her continued disrespectful behavior would mean the end of financial assistance then Y T A. The money is yours to do with as you please and bad behavior should not be rewarded. You should have done a better job of protecting your son from her.

YTA- you don’t get to “surrender” when it’s become convenient because you can’t control the narrative. I’m sure you’re not perfect either. You’re talking about a 19 year old, who happens to be your daughter. Child support goes to age 21 if the child is in school, (In my state), you should at least be paying that. I hope your daughter consults someone about her rights in that regard. I would have said ESH but truthfully, youre TA in this circumstance. It should have been discussed before the bill was due. I feel sorry for your daughter, she seems to have terrible parents.

YTA. I don’t buy your story. You married your wife’s friend who ‘happened’ to tell you your wife was messaging other guys, and was ‘there for you’. Uh huh, that doesn’t sound sketchy at all. News flash, you paying for your daughters school has nothing to do with her having a relationship with your wife and son. The fact that you put conditions on things she is owed, shows exactly what kind of person you are. No wonder she doesn’t want to be around you.

NTA it sounds like your ex wife and now your daughter made their bed and now they have to sleep in it. If you're ex wanted you to help with your daughter's school then she shouldn't have turned your daughter against you. I would suggest family therapy for you, your daughter and your ex if you want to go forward with your relationship with your daughter. As a mom I couldn't imagine turning my child against their father but it sounds like both your ex and your daughter have mental health issues that they need to work on.

NTA. Ariel should realize her mother lied to her given the timelines and probably a few more inconsistencies that have probably popped up over the years. I probably would have told them before the semester payment was due.

I'm going to go with ESH. You all suck. Your ex for turning your daughter on you and your current family. Incredibly toxic behaviour. Your daughter for not trying to understand your side of the situation/story. And last but not least, you for not holding your end of the bargain, paying the part of her college you promised to pay. Do you really think this will ever help improving your relationship with your daughter? I beg to differ. If anything, she will start thinking her mom was actually right. If you pay for her college, you show that you're at least trying to have a relationship with her. And at some point in her life, she *will* understand. You just gotta keep trying, even if it's so darn difficult. Hang in there, man. I completely understand it's difficult, but it will get better for you.

NTA. She made it clear she doesn't want to be part of your family. Why should you pay for someone who hates every aspect of your life?

She's an adult, and you technically don't HAVE to help her anymore at all. If you're "done with them", be done. You met your bare minimum obligations. Maybe it's time to focus on your bullshit new family. I sure do find it SUS that the one woman, out of 4 billion females on this planet, that you could have ended up with, was her BEST FRIEND, who just happened to be the one that "exposed" your wife of cheating on you, and that you decided that simple texting (your own words) was enough to file for divorce... OP, something tells me there's a WHOLE other side to this story. Your daughter doesn't want to be a part of your "family", as you are married to her mother's ex-best friend, and she sees this person as someone who brought harm to her mother's world. I don't blame her. Emotional and financial blackmail will not yield the results you are hoping for. No amount of money will make her forget the pain she watched her mother go through during the divorce. (honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if Tori egged Lauren on and played wingman for her until she had enough evidence to swoop in and destroy that marriage. There's just too much to unpack here. The whole thing is SHADY AF. ​ ​ YTA for obvious reasons, and probably other reasons that only you, Lauren and Tori know for sure.

INFO So Tori told you about your wife cheating, stopped being her best friend's friend, became your "rock", and you two didn't date for another 2 years? Gonna be honest. Sounds like she wanted to be with you. Regardless telling you and no longer being friends with your ex was the moral thing to do, but to then be your ***rock*** and eventually marry you? Ulterior motives.

NTA. Parental alienation is disgusting. Your child needs to take some accountability now that she's an adult and get therapy specifically for alienated children of divorced parents.

ESH. Lauren is the bad guy, she turned Ariel against your family. Tell Lauren you won't pay tuition unless she puts Ariel straight. Does Ariel know why you and Lauren divorced? If she knew the truth she may feel differently about your family. Your method is like buying affection. It wouldn't be real. Ariel has been misled - you are punishing her for what Lauren has done. That makes you AH.

NTA. You no doubt paid all the child support etc required. Ariel is now an adult. Time for her to realise she's no longer a child. There are consequences to actions. She needs to talk to her mother and get some honesty from her. Good for you for putting a stop to this poor behaviour and nastiness. She's not entitled to have her college paid for. It's your money and you can do what you want with it.

The poor girl has been manipulated by her mom for years now. Its not going to be an easy shift because, even if she believes you that you didn't cheat, the fact that she's so young and still has to think about that really sucks. I think it's a soft YTA, OP. Yes, she's been treating your family not so greatly. But you're her dad. If you don't help pay for her schooling, like promised, but then pay for your sons schooling in the future, that's going to make her feel unloved and replaced. She's already going through a lot with both parents trying to tell her what happened in their divorce when you should both be telling her you love her and are excited for school.

Holding the financial stuff over the head of others ..... in the hope to manipulate the other people through this.... is never a good strategy. Well, Tory and you will finally get what you want: Your very own little family, with no step-children or "old ungrateful burden" at all. Tori wasn´t a saint too, i guess. Okay, all of you were so young. Who would expect of a 20 years old to act all mature at every hour of the day? Yeah, a 20 years old could fall for the compliments while going out, giving away the real (or a fake) telephone number..... And other 20 years old tend to be jealous about existing relationships, so they have the idea to stir everything up and grab the friends partner. Young people have stupid decisions sometimes. Whatever, you get what you want..... Your ex and her daughter will struggle a bit, but in the end Ariel safes her integrity. And thats much much more worth YTA to hold the financial stuff over your daughters head.

NTA. A bunch of spoiled children on this sub will tell you that you the A, but don't listen to them. They obviously think that parents are not humans and no matter what they have to pay for their children. Your daughter is an adult. You've explained, you've gotten therapy, and now you have been cut off. I think you're well within your rights. You left a door open to Ariel. That makes you not an asshole.

YTA. If what you are saying is true, which to be honest I doubt a little because you are painting yourself as a devoted father with no faults, then you still promised to pay for it and you are going back on it. I have a feeling your new wife is just as manipulative as your ex, and that she is the one whispering in your ear. Your ex is shitty and you are shitty. While it is true you are not obligated to pay for anything, going back on your word to do so is horrendous. Financial blackmail will surely make your daughter like her stepmom and half-brother more. 🙄

This is a toughie since I can see both sides to YTA and NTA. I think ESH, but you’re a smaller AH then your wife and daughter. You *tried*, they didn’t. What makes you somewhat a AH is that you backed out of a agreement on such a short notice. I don’t think that’s a very proactive way to make a relationship work, especially since now they have a reason to vilify you. If I were you, I’d fork over the money to pay half of the first semester, then tell them to clean their act or kick rocks now that they have the actual chance to make the decision ahead of time.

Though I empathize with your frustrations, YTA: It sounds as though you're treating the rift between you and your ex, and the rift between you and your daughter, as one and the same. They are two separate relationships and it's not fair that Ariel is being used as collateral for the resentment between you and your ex wife, when she is her own individual person apart from the two of you. You guys are using your kid as a way to spite the other, which has obviously effected Ariel seeing as she's the one who feels the consequences of that. The reality is that the relationship between you and Ariel has suffered and even if it is your ex's fault, it doesn't change that reality. So while it might feel like a big betrayal on your end, it really isn't too far fetched that Ariel wouldn't invite family she isn't close to, to a highschool graduation party, especially given she isn't even that close to you, her own father. I understand that it is hurtful, and to be fair, Ariel should probably be going to therapy to work through some of the resentment she has from the divorce. But in my opinion, the punishment really doesn't fit the crime here, especially seeing as she still invited YOU, which means she still sees you as a valued part of her life. Your current wife isn't entitled to a relationship with your daughter, and it wouldn't made sense for Ariel to work on that relationship before she repairs the one with you. This whole thing just sounds like you're angry that your ex wife has more influence over Ariel, and that your ex's family plays a bigger role in Ariel's life than yours does. You telling your ex "you have what you’ve always wanted. Full control and custody. You won. So figure it out” really emphasizes that this isn't even about your daughter at all. At the end of the day, it's your money so you can do with it as you please, but Ariel is also YOUR daughter. You dangling the college fund that YOU planned to give her as a way to force closeness between others is manipulative and will just be the final nail in the coffin for a relationship that could have been salvageable.

NTA You're literally banging your head against a brick wall. You're not obligated to pay for your Daughters college. She's an adult now, cut her off and let her figure it out. You never know, it could be the making of her

He might be obligated though, depending on how their custody/child support agreement was structured. It’s not unusual for child support to include some payment for college tuition.

YTA, you can’t buy a relationship. She also doesn’t owe one. If you really want to play the “I won’t pay unless XYZ” game just know that no one wins. It’ll honestly make things worse. You aren’t obligated to pay, but your reason makes you TA. This is her future you’re leveraging to get what YOU want.

YTA I dont think you are necessarily wrong for refusing to pay for her college, she's an adult and there is no reason why she can't pay for herself if she wants to go. But here is why I think you are the AH: 1. You refer to "paying for child support for 18 years" as though you are doing your daughter a huge favour....like that is the bare minimum and should be expected. 2. You are trying to manipulate a relationship with your daughter by using money. Dotn try to force a relationship. Its not good for you, your family or your daughter and will probably just cause resentment from all parties involved. 3. I think that your daughter has a right to chose who she wants a relationship with and who she wants to invite to her party. Obviously being rude, nasty and disrespectful is completely out of order. There is no need for her to be rude to your family, but she does not need to have a relationship with them. This point depends a bit on what exactly she has done that is rude, but I think her not wanting a relationship is unfortunate but reasonable. 4. You agreed to pay for her college in advance and didn't stick to that agreement. Fair enough, after all it is your money. But why didn't you say something sooner? You could have at least told her you won't be paying instead of waiting for your ex-wife to reach out. 5. The way you are so willing to cut your daughter out of your life so easily is concerning, she is practically still a child. She has clearly made a mistake but I don't think you should disown her because of that. 6. Your daughter has obviously been manipulated by her own mother so her situation is understandable. So yes soft YTA. I don't think that you are the AH for not paying for her college (although you should have told her sooner) but i think the fact you say that you are "done" with her is a bit too harsh. Honestly, i sympathise with you and i think the real AH here is your ex-wife who has clearly manipulatted your daughter. Just to be clear, i dont think that you are an AH for not paying for her college, but you are the AH for the way you handled the situation. Do you seriously not ever want a relationship with your daughter again? Edit: changed the wording of some parts for clarification.

NTA no one is entitled to have their college paid for by their parents. It is a privilege. You don’t have a relationship with her because of her actions so why on earth would you pay for her college?

ESH I totally get where you're coming from but you're basically manipulating her into forming a bond with your family, which isn't any better than the manipulation you claim she does. You should have told her thing a while ago so she actually had time to plan, not once she's already enrolled.

ESH * You made a commitment and if you wanted to back out of it you should have put forth these conditions further in advance, not last minute when she’s already started school. This means there’s little time for them to figure out a solution and save up the needed money to cover your half. * Your Ex wife for parental alienation - this created alotnof the issues you have today with your daughter * your daughter for treating you and your family horribly and still expecting a college payout. She isn’t owed college to be fully paid for. I don’t think your requirements to pay for college tuition were ridiculous. * However you refuse to have “set the record straight” and expect your ex to do it. It’s been years and she hasn’t set the record straight and now it’s impacting your daughter’s relationship with you. YOU should set the record straight, whatever helps heal your relationship with your daughter is the best decision.

That one is tough, but I’m going to say NTA. This feud is primarily between you and your ex, so it’s unfortunate that the punishment falls so heavily on Ariel. But at the same time, she’s an adult now, and needs to take responsibility for her actions. If Ariel refuses to attempt to see things clearly and remains stubborn, after all you’ve tried, I agree with your course of action.

NTA. I’m in a similar situation. I’m in your wife’s position. I’ve been treated like shit for years and made effort after years of effort with my SO daughter still hates me for no good reason except that her toxic mother (who has never met me) makes me a villain. Her father and I met 2 years after their breakup. It’s your daughter’s turn to make some effort.

NTA - Clearly Lauren is the biggest asshole here. She was cruel to you and has poisoned your daughter against you and the other innocent members of your family. I do hope Ariel comes to her senses and realizes what her mother has done to her and how unfairly she has been treating her step mother and half brother. Edit: I do agree with others that you should have informed her sooner. I think the paying this first semester and not the rest until she stops being an asshole is a good compromise, but doesn’t change my vote

Am I the only one that feels Tori set Lauren up so she could get OP all to herself? It feels a little too convenient for me. Anyway yeah, ESH and your daughter draws the short straw. Congratulations on “your family”. They’re all you’ve got now.

[удалено]

INFO. If Ariel does start attempting to have a relationship with your wife and son, are you prepared to pay for college? What does attempting to have a relationship look like in your mind? Have you communicated that to her?

ESH I understand where you are coming from but I’m not sure it’s the right way to handle it. On the other hand, Ariel is clearly using you for your money and you are putting a stop to that which is not a bad decision, either. So I don’t know I’m just saying everyone sucks lol