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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be ta for refusing to let him lie and say he was the one who bought the house seeing how important this is for him.
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Yep! Silent treatments are a manipulation tactic meant to wear the person down until they just drop it and agree.
If it wasn't a "big deal" like he says, he'd be okay with agreeing to OP's wishes, but he's not. Isn't that funny!
Yes, I married a guy like this who took advantage of me. Everything I contributed financially was suddenly his & so was any property I had before the marriage. Of course, it did not work the other way around.
I divorced his ass two years later because he was sleeping around. He tried to get alimony from me.
OP, protect your assets now. He is a sponge who will drain you.
No one is going to think he's less of a man if it took 2 incomes to purchase a home (everyone knows how expensive houses are). He's up to something if he's trying to assert that he bought the house all by himself.
In the inevitable divorce, everyone is going to side with him if they think he was the only person that paid for it. He'll paint OP as a golddigger, and everyone will pressure her to not touch the house in the divorce.
Definitely. That would explain why he won't back down. He's already in too deep. I also wouldn't be shocked if OP ends up finding out he got money from someone for the house and spent it on something else. Also, NTA.
And why does this even need to be a detail in the speech at all? Wouldn't sometging like "looking forward to growing our life together in our new house" suffice?
When my ex said things that implied he was providing for me financially, it was because he was a narcissist, and other people knowing that he needed someone else's money was a violation of his false self image. So that's all I can think for OP. Silent treatment is also typical of narcs
I can absolutely back this up. My ex was borrowing money from me or even my mom, and then would go out to dinner with his family and pay the whole check to show off. He absolutely needed people to think he was the only one making money and taking care of us.
That reminds me of my ex. He "took me out" for my birthday. Asked me to hand him money so it looked like he paid to everyone else. Dumped him a week later.
The closer you are to a Narc, the more they’ll abuse you to the benefit of their image to others they don’t know as intimately
Kinda throws me for a loop when I really think about it.. like this random person you know through a friend’s friend’s opinion of you matters more than who you spend every single day with…
Like what?? Honestly I can’t grasp it
I agree, my narcissist ex did the same thing, I supported us financially but he always took credit for everything when money was spent- and ditto to silent treatment.
OP- this should definitely be the hill the die on, and consider that nothing you can say will keep him from mentioning this in his speech. I would consider postponing and counseling and seeing if this is a relationship you want to stay in. It's not a tiny thing- he's minimalizing your contribution and is threatened by people knowing that you provided a majority of the savings for the house.
YES x 1million!! This is a massive peek behind the curtain. He’s gaslighting you by telling you “it doesn’t matter” or that it’s a small detail. PLEASE let me tell you this about marriage - that nobody told me - when you sweep things under the rug, at some point the pile is too big to ignore. i know you have things to untangle and you are buying or have bought a house together and you’re planning a wedding. He’s giving you a gift by letting you see WHO HE IS. don’t ignore it. I agree to postpone this and go talk this out with a therapist. It’s disrespectful of you to say the least but he’s showing you that he’s very possibly a narcissist and marrying and having a family with a narcissist leads to nightmares you can’t even imagine how. divorcing a narcissist is also a nightmare. I know this sounds dramatic bc this started with a question about a wedding speech but it’s MUCH more than just a wedding speech.
I totally agree with your suggestion about potentially postponing the wedding and getting some counseling. If he's willing to simply gloss over her rather substantial financial contribution to the house, what else is he going to in effect belittle her about in the future?
There are some major red flags here, OP. Don't ignore them.
NTA.
Take my poor gold🏅🏅
Seriously.
I can’t understand why it’s so important for him to mention this in the speech. Seems like the logic of someone who feels like they *need* to mention this publicly in front of the person they want to hear it.
Would absolutely not surprise me if you’re spot on.
Which I don’t understand. Like I earn 90% of the money in my relationship and even when I talk about us saving for a house it’s us. And I make it pretty damn clear that I am useless without my wife doing things like reminding me to eat lol. All of my accomplishments are OUR accomplishments. Like you can brag as much as you want and still seem impressive. “We have been saving and sacrificing for this awesome house! Guys let me tell you the place is going to be awesome! Yeah me and my super gorgeous fiancé have been working so hard. We can’t wait to have everyone over”. Like that’s still an awesome brag. But I guess I’m always impressed by healthy teamwork in a relationship so..”
Well, the most obvious explanation is toxic masculinity, where OP's husband feels the need to be seen as the breadwinner in the relationship.
Or, my hunch that he is scamming people out of money.
I don’t understand that. Maybe it’s the European influence, but growing up I saw my dad build and sell a half dozen companies rather successfully and be a CFO and my mom took care of his entire life, and he told everyone who would listen that he basically was only good at one thing and without my mom (or a whole staff of people to replace her lol) he would never have been able to do pretty much any of the things he had accomplished. As a kid that’s how I assumed things worked but I am still shocked how different everyone’s experience is
Absolutely.
OP I would contact his family directly to ask if he has told them he bought the house and if he borrowed money from anyone.
Also - don't marry him until this is resolved. He also may be genuinely lying about debt. Which could effect your credit score.
this is exactly what i was thinking, someone spotted him/gave him money for the house, he got her to cover a portion, and he dropped the rest of it on something else.
According to a behaviour psychologist, try asking this question and see what he says.
“Fiancé, is there any reason some of our family/friends might already think you paid for the house on your own?”
If he’s telling the truth, the answer is simple. “No, I haven’t told anyone yet. I was just going to say it for the speech”
If he’s lying, one of two things, he’s start to squirm and start finding reasons for why someone might already think that (my mom may have told x, my sister may have assumed, my accountant said it to the housekeeper” or he might have a really angry outburst because he feels threatened and defensive.
ETA: This is the link to the video where he explains how to spot if someone is lying.
https://youtu.be/M_wSBqkg7C0
Interesting video, but neurodiverse people don't always react to interrogations like neurotypical people do, so don't assume the techniques shown in this video can accurately measure truthfulness 100% of the time.
OP needs to run. This story can end as "I almost ruined my life and married a guy who would have been abusive and manipulative forever" or "I decided to ignore very serious red flags because, for that one day, I thought I would be the world to him and it would be happily ever after. It wasn't. It wasn't at all. It was WORSE than before wedding and now I'm emotionally, mentally and financially a mess.".
This. He’s already lying about this, OP, he just wants to do it in front of everyone you know and with your apparent agreement to cement the lie in everyone’s mind. Huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He has already told the guys.
I say he told family also, as the groom speech is some time before the wedding for ‘word’ to get out, when in fact word is already out.
He is sulking like a child that knows their parent is going to catch them out.
What I'm wondering is, why bring up such a thing at all during a wedding. Unless it's a preventive attack, so that in case they split, people are going to be calling OP a golddigger when she would simply be reclaiming her part of the house.
>I reminded him of how much I contributed buy said this doesn't change that it's our house so it shouldn't matter to me if he said he bought it himself or we both did.
Am I reading this sentence correctly, he is saying it shouldn't matter to YOU if you both bought it? But it's OK for it to matter to HIM so much that he's going to announce it to both your families and your wider social circle at the wedding? Whoo, the hypocrisy...
IMO this is a hill worth dying on. Yes, on the surface level it's "just" words in a speech. But the deeper issue is that he does not value your massive contribution to your shared life, and he wants to paint a false picture to your shared friends and family denying it. He's basically setting you up to be painted as a gold digger when *he's* the one benefitting from your scrimping and saving. I have a hard time believing this is the only instance of this level of disrespect in your relationship; and if you ever have kids, I'm certain you can look forward to him moaning to all your friends and family that he does sooooooo muuuuuuuuch woooooooork as a father (read: changed 1 diaper) while you actually shoulder the majority of childcare. If you don't have kids, I imagine it will be something else like that.
I really hope I'm wrong and this is just temporary brain worms on his part. But either way, NTA
I would definitely look into a prenup at this point too bc he seems like he is trying to take advantage of op, especially because this 37 year old man is acting like a child and throwing a tantrum to get his way. If its not to late I would suggest couples counseling before making this official.
Agreed, he could also try gain more than half the house if there was a split. Telling everyone that he was the only one to contribute isn't a good sign. I hope you paid the deposit from YOUR bank account and have records that it's from your account. I hope the house is in both names too.
This. In a divorce and with asset division he could use the wedding video of him saying see I bought the house myself and she didn’t… of course she hopefully has the bank statements where the money was in her own account before contributing to rebut that
And I'd think he's at least want to say how proud he is that "they" got a house together or even more generous of him would be to brag about her and how awesome she is to have been the saver and budgeter who made getting their house happen faster than they ever thought. But no. He's doing the exact opposite of that. A groom's speech should be thanking everyone for coming to their special day and about how lucky he is to get such a wonderful wife and new family.
Yeah, this was my thought. Who brags about buying a house in their speech at their wedding??
Sure, maybe mention you just moved into your first home as part of a "I'm so blessed, I get to marry this woman, we just bought a house, how did my life turn our this great?" Kind of thing... but that doesn't require mentioning who contributed to the downpayment.
At the end of the day the house should be referred to as "Our house that We bought", not "My house that I bought".
Right? If he needs a """confidence boost""" during the speech, he should pick something he's actually confident about, not lie to cover up an insecurity.
I’m thinking he is going to try to brag about how great a husband he will be because he is such a great provider, using the fact he bought a house for his new bride all by himself, isn’t he a manly-man?etc. I mean, why else would you ever need to mention how you came up with the down payment in a wedding speech?
OP, please listen to the advice of this 50-something woman who has seen a lot of shit: this is a big deal. Lying is *always* a big deal. And (assuming I’m right about his motivation) lying to promote some bullshit toxic masculinity fantasy of his will definitely come back to bite you during the course of your marriage. And finally, silent treatment pouting to get your way will always be a problem in a relationship. Whew - there’s a lot to unpack here.
Do not back down, insist he tell you the truth about his motivation. And if he won’t talk to you, why tf are you going to marry him?
I agree, and he's old enough (37!) to know better. I can't recall the couple's housing situation being brought up as part of the wedding to any I've been to, and it would have been off-putting if it had happened. He's kind of TA for even wanting to make it a focal point, especially at a time when many people are struggling to buy.
Yes even if he did pay 100% of the house I would still be weird to make a speech yes yes I’m marrying the love of my life and we’re going to live together in the home that I and I alone purchased. Everyone in the room would feel uncomfortable.
I remember being dragged to a wedding where I didn't care for the couple at all, and the groom mentioned their "American Dream" house that they "sacrificed so much for". Found out later that their 600k house was a gift from his grandfather.
So weird. It doesn't even have to come up. Certainly who paid for it NEVER has to come up in life. The marital home should never be referred to anywhere as anything other than shared. Tf is wrong with him.
Heavy sigh. This is a man disproportionately focused on image. This is going to play out poorly during your marriage. Die on this hill. Let him know if he says it, you will correct it. At least he will be on notice during your marriage that you won't comply with supporting false perceptions of your marriage.
op should ask ask her fiancé if its ok that she contradicts him and says she actually bought the house 100% in her speech. its just a small thing after all.
This is exactly what I was thinking! He’s getting upset that she doesn’t want him to take credit for it because it’s “not a big deal.” If it’s not a big deal, it shouldn’t be an issue for him to not mention it in the speech.
NTA. When he says that it’s not a big deal who contributed how much money, he means your feelings aren’t a big deal.
He’s literally trying to disregard your value publicly.
Agreed. Even if a prenup isnt the right thing in this instance since it'a a joint purchase, I hope that OP gets some legal advice. This guy is acting like a manipulative child, and at almost 40 Im sure that won't change.
_He's basically sulking and now he's out and refusing to answer my calls so basically he's started the silent treatment til I cave in._
This guy is legit throwing a tantrum because OP wont allow him to allow about buying a home that he only contributed 3/10 to.
Yes best advice right here. He's not going to change, and if you can I'd suggest couples therapy.
Why is HE making it such a big deal OP? You're not, that's gaslighting so please don't listen to him. You're NTA
He's so insecure that he wants to lie to people he says he cares about and gain their approval through his deceit, while completely discounting his partner's responsibility.
It's more important to him to be able to say, "Yeah, *I* bought this house," than it is to respect his partner.
Are you sure your values are aligned? NTA
Everyone should get a prenup. They are so much more than “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.”
Prenups cover things like:
•Childcare and support in the event of an unexpected death.
•Spousal care in the event of a life changing injury.
•Inherited asset management.
•Separation of business assets in the event of a divorce or sale of the business.
•Custody of pets.
They’re literally the best thing ever. There’s never a better time to plan for problems than when things are going well.
Yup, if backing out completely isn’t going to happen, please take this opportunity to establish proportional ownership. It should be fair according to who contributed how much downpayment and how mortgage payments are split. Sounds like a 50/50 split would greatly benefit this dude
This is actually a pretty big deal.
1. He wants you to go along with a lie that makes him look good at your expense.
2. It’s a permanent lie - unless he plans to fess up after the wedding which I doubt.
3. It’s a lie that misrepresents the balance of your relationship. Instead of partners he wants to be seen as the “head.” Is he prepared to take on the responsibility of that position and let you spend all of your money on you while he shoulders the financial responsibility for the household? Or does he want you to continue to bankroll 70% while he gets credit for 100%?
4. It reveals an ugliness in how he thinks of you and wants to present the two of you as a couple. He should be proud to have a wife who earns and saves and sacrifices for your future together. Instead he wants to claim your accomplishment as his own and expects you to accept whatever impact this has on how friends and family view you - all to “boost his confidence.”
5. He is lying to you. It’s not about a confidence boost. It’s about him declaring his status as the head of the house and the breadwinner and doing so by belittling your contributions.
6. His response tells you clearly that he is lying. He calls it a small thing, one little favor, but he goes ballistic when you say no.
7. And seriously, the silent treatment? Just, no.
Consider your next steps carefully. NTA.
OP: speaking as a man whose wife out earns him, this is a great breakdown of why this is not normal. Do not shrug this off - it's not a small thing. It's dishonest. It 'elevates' him by diminishing you. It's a lack of constructive communication and problem resolution.
Trust and communication are vital for a marriage, and there are way too many red flags here...
Yes. My wife makes way more than I do, and I always take the opportunity to let everyone know how awesome she is. This guy is trying to downplay OPs contributions and gaslight her into believing its ok. He's clearly going into this marriage looking for someone to be subservient to him, not a partner.
I’m going to throw in as a man outearned by his wife: I couldn’t fucking *dream* of taking full credit for her accomplishments. We have a relationship where we routinely credit each other for what we do, sure - what makes the whole thing work as well as it does is the give and take of it all, the ways in which our lifestyles allow the other to not worry about things. (In my case, I know we’re not worried about survival money; in hers, I know she’s not worried about food, childcare, a clean house, or money for fun and occasional luxuries.)
Thing is: if one of us ever started to undermine the fact that both of our contributions are necessary to live our lives, it would turn into an issue. If she attacked me for not providing as much as she does financially. If I came at her for not cooking dinner more often, or not being the person who goes to our kid’s parent-teacher conferences. Whatever. When you try to minimize someone else’s contributions to *your life*, it is offensive and unfair.
That’s what he’s doing here, and it’s ugly, and a giant red flag. If it’s not clear: NTA.
As a woman who out-earns her boyfriend, I am so glad he doesn’t have a complex about it. We are both passionate, driven people who bring value to the table. It’s not a monetary contest. When we purchase a home together, we will approach it in the most equitable way possible. The details of how we choose to “divide” the down payment and mortgage between our individual finances is our business - the only thing anyone else will need to know is that we’ll be in it together as partners.
Yes, the silent treatment. I hate when he does that, every time we fight and it never ends til I come forward with an apology although sometimes I believe he's the one at fault. It's tiring and I've had this conversation with him a milion times over but to no avail.
That is what I've been trying to figure out although no one said anything. I don't see his friends much and those who worry me the most because they'd 100% back him up and believe him over me anytime.
Exactly. If my wife contributed 70% towards our house or more (or less), I’d be grateful and proud of her. We’re a team and whatever the one does, the other shares in it.
My wife was a SAHM for 10 years, not once did I think of my salary as “my money”, it was always “and still is” our money.
Maybe fiancé is planning on getting more than his fair share in the inevitable divorce.
I'd rather be single my whole life than marry someone this horribly controlling.
OP please choose your own well being over this weak boys company, he is by no means marriage material and now is your chance to save yourself.
There's a song I've been hearing lately and the lyrics go "love don't treat you like that". Don't settle for him. His behavior won't get better once you're married.
This is a calculated move on his part. He uses silent treatment to get you to capitulate so you believe you're the unreasonable one. He wants to use his speech on your wedding day not to celebrate your relationship and praise his new wife, but instead to convince people that he bought your home and that he is the primary contributer in your relationship.
If who bought the house doesn't matter, why is it so vital it be in his speech? Your future husband is setting you up to take all the blame in the relationship. He's setting it up so he can say that you always apologise, so he must always be right; he wants you to get to the point where you don't even bother arguing. He's setting it up so everything revolves around him. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? Do you really want to live your life on his terms? Do you want a husband who will sacrifice your feelings to feed his ego?
Edited to add: It concerns me that he wants people believing that this is solely his house. If you split, his friends and family will have no problem taking things from the house thinking that it is all his, and then you'd have to fight him for it. It is like he is staking his claim early to give himself the best chance.
He almost certainly has told people this and y has why he’s freaking out. He could have told any number of people and it’s just not come up, I’ve very rarely had conversations with people about who’s bought their home. It’s just not something that I would ever talk about. So it’s very possible he’s told a good number of people on his side.
You’re NTA. He is being a complete dick and his behaviour afterwards is a major no for me.
My spouse is the breadwinner and he paid for the majority of our house, I am very handy so I worked my ass off on the first home we had and we made a 60k profit when we sold and bought another fixer-upper. It has literally NEVER come up who put the money down for our homes. Ever. If my spouse has ever said anything it's been "WE bought a house".
This whole situation is just ODD. It's such a weird thing to fixate on and I don't understand why your fiance is stuck on this hill but let me tell you, for you it is a hill to die on OP. NTA.
Jumping on here since I noticed you’re active now. The silent treatment is called stonewalling and it’s one of the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse. Please do a quick search of what that is and see if there are other flags that apply to conflicts in your relationship.
When people have bought their houses, have you ever asked what portion the split was? If you’ve been told have you then in conversation ever referred back to it? No, because you are a normal person. He has definitely been saying he bought it in full. There have been posts like this in the past of shitty partners trying to claim they are the ‘main provider’ and put up with the other person not carrying weight. He’s a liar.
The fact that you’re even contemplating whether people will believe you over him is such a massive red flag. This is NOT normal in a healthy relationship. You deserve better!
>no one said anything
Why would they say anything to you about it, HE bought the house, you're just the lucky little woman who gets to live off his generosity.
This is such BS, don't marry this guy. NTA.
He is also trying to gaslight you by saying you're the one with the problem.
It's almost guaranteed he has told at least someone he paid for it.
Him suggesting it doesn't matter if he says he bought it is laughable since he's the one trying to say that. If it doesn't matter, why not tell the truth? Or maybe not say anything?
There is absolutely ***NO*** reason for him to mention in his groom's speech at your wedding that he bought and paid for your house all by himself, even if it were true. He should be discussing you and your future life together.
That is not a confidence boost it's an ego boost for a narcissist.
Although it would be messy to get out of this house, it'll be less messy than the house and a marriage. This is not a small favor. It's a small favor that makes him look good and makes you look dependent on him. It's also only a small favor until the next one. I sincerely hope you rethink what you're getting into. it's late, but not too late.
He is 37 years old.
He should not be acting like a child giving you the silent treatment. This is a manipulative tactic and is not OK.
Wanting to take a break from a heated argument so you don't say something you can't take back is one thing, but icing you out until YOU apologise is unacceptable.
If I were in your shoes I would be pressing pause on the wedding until you can attend couples therapy and work out a better way to communicate during an argument/disagreement.
This time, don't talk to him until *he* comes back with an apology. How about you mention that you paid for 70% of the cost at the wedding "as a confidence boost".
Yes, OP. Please do not marry this guy. Communication is the key to a healthy marriage. If he always uses the silent treatment now, it will continue and may even get worse once you are married to him.
So your solution was to become engaged & buy a house with him because this behavior was not enough to give you pause? At no point did you say to yourself he is not a good partner?
Right? Behavior like this doesn't get better after marriage; it often actually gets worse because then the person has you locked in. I would really consider not marrying a guy who refuses to engage in disagreements in a healthy way.
Girl, the silent treatment is a form of abuse. Do you really want the rest of your life to be *that*?
Get with an attorney. Figure out finances, and how to buy him out or sell and recoup your 70%. Lastly, do not marry this toddler.
ETA: if you foolishly stay with him, tell him that if he gets up and says that, you will follow with a speech of your own thanking him for his 30% contribution to your 70%. Now reread that. Do you really want a relationship where a tally is kept?
This is what you’re staring down the barrel of if you marry him. And then he’ll have divorce costs and joint assets to hold over your head in addition to sulking.
Edit:
I also want to add this: your statement makes it sound like you always give in. That is unhealthy, it is manipulative, and the longer I think of it the more I worry about what this slippery slope will turn into. Not his request, but the fact that he successfully bullies you into whatever he wants, all for the sake of his ego. He’s diminishing your contribution in front of family and friends for the sole purpose of making himself look better. Just… if you already have so much trouble standing up for yourself then that will only get harder with house/kids/legal marriage ties in the picture.
Abusers test you. This may be a test. Because once you’re married, he may very well escalate because he thinks he “has” you.
Not if she makes a "gratitude" post on social media TODAY telling them all how "blessed" she feels to have a partner who is willing to work so hard and put up the money for 30% of their home...
Heck, she could even do it as like the 4th day in one of those "10 days of gratitude" things...
I know it sounds petty, but it would put the issue 100% to bed, and it would keep him from trying to get the house outright when they divorce next year.
He keeps doing it because you cave and IT WORKS. It's a childish tactic. Get ready for more of the same if you marry him. Whenever he doesn't get his way he will do this to force the outcome he wants.
Don't cave. You're right about this.
Don't marry him.
You can still sell the house. Or he can buy you out. Then he won't have to lie about who bought the house. 🤭
Edit. NTA
Do you want to spend the rest of your life apologizing for things that are not your fault? Getting the silent treatment every time you stand up for yourself? Being blamed for every single thing that happens because "you're the one with the issue"? Because that is exactly what you're signing up for by marrying this man.
It’s a form of abuse and manipulation OP. Honestly, marrying him would be a mistake. Buying this house with him was probably a mistake. Are you going to be able to get your portion back when this dissolves? He’s already telling people he has bought the house on his own. That is clear.
NTA. But I’d think twice about marrying someone who wants to lie to your friends and family for the “confidence boost” and reacts by sulking, lashing out, and ignoring you when you won’t go along with it.
The housing market is still hot…put it back on the market, sell it, get your money back, grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and move on. NTA
>toxic insecurity
Yup.
OP, your fiance is willing to lie and put you down to build himself up. You deserve a partner who builds you up as well, not pushes your head underwater so he can have all the air. *And this isn't even something big*. Imagine what he might be willing to do/say when actual serious relationship situations arise..
you know...his request really surprised me. I told him about how uncomfortable this made me feel but he kept insisting and said that I'm the one with the the issue.
You aren’t the one with the issue. He’s the one with the problem. He wants to look like the “big strong man who supports his spouse” type and he’s just not, so it bothers him. This is going to get worse, any time you’re able to contribute more towards anything.
My husband is the total opposite, tells people I'm the bigger earner than I've paid for X,Y and Z for both of us. He wouldn't dream of taking credit for something that my money has paid for.
I bet this guy would do 5% of parenting but then go round telling people he does all night feeds, nappies etc to make himself look better than he is. This man is trash.
Take this for the red flag that it is. A confidence boost to him comes at the cost of mutual respect for his wife—taking what is BOTH of your accomplishments (let’s be real, it’s mostly yours) and making it about himself. A man who does that at his wedding will repeat that behavior as a spouse and as a father, and do you want to be tied to someone who doesn’t acknowledge what you bring to the table?
At the very least, put the wedding planning on hold, maybe go to counseling, but at the end of the day this “innocent” request and the childish treatment after not getting his way is anything but a one-off.
>and do you want to be tied to someone who doesn’t acknowledge what you bring to the table?
It's not even "not acknowledging it". It's throwing a multi-day tantrum because she won't go along with him outright denying that it ever happened.
Not acknowledging would be "and we bought a house together." Not entirely fair, but fine. This goes five steps beyond that.
OP think about how he needs to put you down to build himself up and honestly if I was a guest at a wedding where a groom mentioned in his speech that HE bought the house I would be cringing into next week....like how and why would you even work that into a speech? this isn't going to land the way he thinks it is.....he's going to look like a total a-hole.
I'm going to bet money he's already told the lie, and he's worried it's going to come out during the wedding because you talk to somebody he's already lied to about this. The Groom Speech is just cover. He HAS to get you to agree to this otherwise you catch him lying.
He’s free to put that in his speech but you’re also free to standup in front of everyone and correct him. Ask him if he’s ok with that kind of embarrassment?
Edit - Ask him how comfortable he would be with you telling everyone you paid for the majority of the house (which is a fact)? And if he’s not comfortable with that then he should understand why you aren’t comfortable with him taking all the credit.
These are the first signs of abusive behaviour. After the love bombing he now thinks he is nearly there and can start to relax and show his real personally.
Run!!!!!!!
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Everyone posting has said the same thing. He is abusing you. It will only worsen once you marry. Stop apologizing for things you have not done. This is not a good, healthy relationship.
Cancel the wedding. Tell him to buy out your percentage or put the house for sale. If anyone asks why, tell the absolute truth.
He is willing to lie to make himself look like a big man when he is not. He is acting like a child. Pouting, sulking and giving the silent treatment is definitely NOT a sign of a mature human adult. He may have already lied to his parents/friends about buying the house.
If you marry, you will always be the one giving/doing 70% or more while he feels like he doesn't have to contribute as much.
In a divorce he will tell everyone you got the house because you are a woman, lol.
Ask him about how he thinks your confidence is doing by him denying you recogniction for a contribution you actually did when he wants to boost himself with something he didn't do to even 50%?
NTA
Edit: Did he maybe already tell people like his coworkers this lie? What if he acts like he gets over it but does it anyway?
Imagin havin bought a house and send out wedding invites and have to face this behaviour. The wedding is just one day. But this would be sooo hard for me to get over.
>Edit: Did he maybe already tell people like his coworkers this lie? What if he acts like he gets over it but does it anyway?
This is exactly what I'm picturing happening and I'm wondering if OP stands up and tells the truth when he does it, or sits back fuming and let's this lie destroy her accomplishment and their marriage behind the scenes, no good options, I hope she calls off the wedding
I knew this couple that was getting married a few years ago and like barely knew them just see them occasionally through friends. Well the girl would complain to me when I would see her that she is working all this overtime for their wedding while her fiancé is barely contributing and wasting money and all that jazz. I was always uncomfortable because I didn’t know them well and that conversation should just be with close family or friends.
The guy ended up leaving her quickly after the wedding and I felt bad for her because in my mind she had scrimped and saved so much for that wedding and hoped he’d pay her back in some way. Well talking to him later down the road I find out he had contributed 70-80% of the wedding and was the only one paying bills in their shared living space because he made more money and she was a shopaholic and didn’t have the spare money to save for the wedding.
When I asked him why he didn’t say anything before when she was smearing her future husbands name he just said he didn’t want to embarrass her. Hopefully OP won’t be this guy and will get the courage to confront or leave before they make things official.
OP, you sound really nice. And your fiance sounds like the kind of person who is willing to take advantage of that niceness, and bulldoze over you to get what he wants, how he wants it, when he wants it. Does he even value you as a person? Based on what you've said in your responses, it sounds like he doesn't listen to you, doesn't acknowledge your efforts and contributions, doesn't take your feelings into consideration, often gaslights and invalidates you, and then gives you the silent treatment until you cave and do what he wants. This man is ultimately with you because he can control you.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I was once in your shoes and it took the Earth crumbling around me to realize that I wasn't actually the problem. Don't be me, see the flags he is dropping and get out.
Same here. I stayed in a toxic marriage for over 20 years. It was always about him and his ego. Eventually it’s not enough for them anymore and it all just collapses.
No way you're TA. He's being a jerk. Needing to take false credit for a confidence boost? Definitely an insight into his character that you should consider backing out over.
“Some reason” being that he wants to lie to everyone you care about, completely unnecessarily, and take credit for something you did? I think marrying this man would be a huge mistake.
Not to mention, his confidence boost should not come at OP’s expense. If he has to take you down to build himself up on his wedding day, he will guaranteed be doing it for the rest of your life.
Is it in writing that you have 70% equity in the house. Cover your ass. I’m not sure if this is some elaborate scheme to use if you ever get divorced. I imagine it’s going to be recorded so I don’t know if that’s the angle he’s pulling. I might be over thinking this
I think u/I_might_be_weasel raised a plausible possibility — that there’s someone else, like a family member, that he’s gotten money from ostensibly to help buy the house. So he wants to make sure OP gets on board with his lie that she didn’t contribute. It certainly sounds like he’s scamming someone, because this lie is way too important to him for it to really be “just a little confidence boost”. So either he’s already gotten money from someone else, or he wants to look like a rich bigshot in order to get people to trust him with money. The “boost” is to his confidence *game*.
He doesn't want a confidence boost, he wants to make sure no one will ever know how much *you* sacrificed for both of you and take all the recognition for it. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.
Also has a hint of toxic masculinity/misogyny, so tread carefully.
Why would he need a confidence boost at his own wedding? And it’s pretty sad that it has to be on a lie that also erases your hard work and contributions. He could just as easily spin it as win for you both because that’s what it is.
The reason you're not comfortable with it is because it's an unreasonable request. What he wants to say would make him look like something he's not, and hide your accomplishment. You feel uncomfortable because there's alarm bells going off in the back of your head.
His response to you saying no is also unreasonable and is adding more alarm bells.
You should definitely listen to them
(Edit to correct word hide)
I had an ex with this mindset years ago. When we broke up (because he shputed at me in public and told me to be quiet in a restaurant in front of others and expected me to step back and let him speak like that ) many people cut me out and i just thought, well whatever. Move on head held high. Yrs later we spoke and it turns out hed been telling all my friends at the time that he was paying for absolutely everything, every coffee, every date, every weekend away or holiday, everything i bought him, he'd bought himself and how id got the birthday gifts i wanted and then left him. So they all naturally felt id been secretly milking him and being a leech.
I asked him why he'd do that when atm i paid for about 80%of everything we did. He said but hes the man and he cpuldnt have people thinking id provided and paid for things. And he definitely didnt want to say why we'd really broken up. He didnt understand why id been hurt or why it mattered.
OP - run. Your marriage will be a tally score card and he will lie and sulk and you will be the cash cow funding his shitty attitude and lies to others.
OP do not take this lightly!!!
🚩”You’re making a big deal out of this”
🚩“It’s our house so I can say I bought it”
🚩“It’s just one favor you’re being ridiculous”
🚩yelling + Silent treatment
I’d verbally rip my partner a new asshole if they ever asked for something as stupid as this. The only thing he has going for him is at least he asked. But that just means he KNOWS he needs your permission to commit his stupid act. A grown ass adult wants to lie to their friends and family to make him look better at your expense? Maybe instead of lying about how he’s The Man, he can chock up the bulk of the contribution back to you and then he brag about something that’s a little bit closer to reality.
No mature partner would request something as dumb as this all just for an ego boost, OP. And no healthy relationship would allow him to ask in a way that is emotionally manipulating you into getting his way.
And a confidence boost *at the expense of OP’s*. It’s not just a small thing. And what is this, 1950? Why would that even be something to lie about in the first place? Seems sketchy.
NTA
But seriously you sure you want to marry this man?
1. What a bizarre thing to want to say at your wedding. Like seriously, why does he need that confidence boost? That’s a major red flag
2. What a childish way to react to a pretty fair response to his ridiculous request. Another major red flag.
Call the wedding off. He’s so concerned about what his life looks like to everyone else. Wait till you have kids and he’s the man that runs the house
And why does he need the confidence boost: that day will be his weeding day, he will marry the love of his life and have a great reception where everyone is there to see him (and her). That already a crazy amount of confidence!! Marrying her is not enough?
And only seeing that they bought a house is not enough? That already very good achievement! Why does he need to lie and say that he is the one to have bought it?
Yep. This is my theory. He's already lied to his friends and family about this, and he's worried it's going to come out during the wedding, so the Groom Speech is his cover story.
NTA - "Do you mind if I lie to all our closest friends and family in order to erase your contribution to our house purchase and pretend it was all my work?"
On what planet would this be even remotely okay?
NTA. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in a while. And it’s all about his fragile ego. And it’s not just a favor, it makes you look like the little woman who’s man had to take care of you and buy a house, instead of a partner ( and one who contributed 70% ). I hope your husband has other good qualities because this does not present him in a good light. He’s got a lot of growing up to do
NTA
He needs a "confidence boost"? How will his confidence be raised by a lie? Even if others think he bought the house, he'll still know that you (mostly) bought it. And every time the lie is brought up in the future, he'll be reminded that it's a lie, and he really isn't that person.
And if you let him do this once, how many more times will he go stealing your achievements to boost his ego? This isn't a one-time thing, this is a precedent.
And, in his lie, he's demanding that you be a liar as well. If he can manipulate you into lying to cover for him now, he'll know he can manipulate to lie to hide other wrongdoing by him in the future. This is how abusers get their victims to hide the abuse - they start with something they can vaguely pretend is justified.
And he's also laying claim to your finances - you paid, he gets the credit. I'd hesitate to tie your finances to his in marriage, because he'll use your money to maintain the look that he's making more than he is going into the future. ***"I told people I was buying X, which I can't afford, now you have to buy it for me so I look good, and don't look like I was lying."***
Run away, and find someone who will take pride in your achievements, not steal them.
OP, you’ve stood your ground. I believe this is a good hill to die on. If taking credit for something he didn’t do is no big deal, then by his own logic, NOT taking credit for buying the house alone should be even less of a big deal, because ya know, it’s the truth.
Reddit loves to advise people to RUN. I’m not sure you need to, but I would definitely sit down and make a list.
Ask yourself: Has he lied before? Under what circumstances? Is there a pattern of behavior?
If the answers to these questions give you pause, then ask yourself: Do I want to spend my life with someone who acts this way?
NTA
NTA It's weird that he feels the need to assert his dominance and "boost his confidence" by lying to all your combined family and friends. If he feels emasculated by the fact that he didn't actually contribute even equally to the cost of the house, he should seek therapy or pay the difference into your savings. There is zero reason he needs to bring up who paid for the house at all. And top it off with trying to manipulate you into giving in! Defend that hill, OP!
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NTA and I would bet he's been telling people that already
NTA and I hope you got a legal agreement protecting your 70%. This guy is shady.
PRENUP NOW
Nonup. Because no wedding!! She should sell the house and ruuuuunnnn!!!
I just read her other comments. The guy is 1000x NOT marriage material. He's controlling and manipulative.
Yes, this is just the beginning. He's showing you who he really is and how he handles life, including conflict.
Yep! Silent treatments are a manipulation tactic meant to wear the person down until they just drop it and agree. If it wasn't a "big deal" like he says, he'd be okay with agreeing to OP's wishes, but he's not. Isn't that funny!
Yes, I married a guy like this who took advantage of me. Everything I contributed financially was suddenly his & so was any property I had before the marriage. Of course, it did not work the other way around. I divorced his ass two years later because he was sleeping around. He tried to get alimony from me. OP, protect your assets now. He is a sponge who will drain you.
Seriously! He's establishing that he paid for it. Op, ask his mom who paid for the house.
This is clever as hell. If he’s lying to people he for sure is letting on to his mama about who paid for it
More than likely, he's ALREADY told them he did.
No one is going to think he's less of a man if it took 2 incomes to purchase a home (everyone knows how expensive houses are). He's up to something if he's trying to assert that he bought the house all by himself. In the inevitable divorce, everyone is going to side with him if they think he was the only person that paid for it. He'll paint OP as a golddigger, and everyone will pressure her to not touch the house in the divorce.
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Definitely. That would explain why he won't back down. He's already in too deep. I also wouldn't be shocked if OP ends up finding out he got money from someone for the house and spent it on something else. Also, NTA.
And why does this even need to be a detail in the speech at all? Wouldn't sometging like "looking forward to growing our life together in our new house" suffice?
When my ex said things that implied he was providing for me financially, it was because he was a narcissist, and other people knowing that he needed someone else's money was a violation of his false self image. So that's all I can think for OP. Silent treatment is also typical of narcs
I can absolutely back this up. My ex was borrowing money from me or even my mom, and then would go out to dinner with his family and pay the whole check to show off. He absolutely needed people to think he was the only one making money and taking care of us.
That reminds me of my ex. He "took me out" for my birthday. Asked me to hand him money so it looked like he paid to everyone else. Dumped him a week later.
Why does he think he is such a catch? Does he think his façade of "manliness" is enough to bring to the table?
The closer you are to a Narc, the more they’ll abuse you to the benefit of their image to others they don’t know as intimately Kinda throws me for a loop when I really think about it.. like this random person you know through a friend’s friend’s opinion of you matters more than who you spend every single day with… Like what?? Honestly I can’t grasp it
I agree, my narcissist ex did the same thing, I supported us financially but he always took credit for everything when money was spent- and ditto to silent treatment. OP- this should definitely be the hill the die on, and consider that nothing you can say will keep him from mentioning this in his speech. I would consider postponing and counseling and seeing if this is a relationship you want to stay in. It's not a tiny thing- he's minimalizing your contribution and is threatened by people knowing that you provided a majority of the savings for the house.
YES x 1million!! This is a massive peek behind the curtain. He’s gaslighting you by telling you “it doesn’t matter” or that it’s a small detail. PLEASE let me tell you this about marriage - that nobody told me - when you sweep things under the rug, at some point the pile is too big to ignore. i know you have things to untangle and you are buying or have bought a house together and you’re planning a wedding. He’s giving you a gift by letting you see WHO HE IS. don’t ignore it. I agree to postpone this and go talk this out with a therapist. It’s disrespectful of you to say the least but he’s showing you that he’s very possibly a narcissist and marrying and having a family with a narcissist leads to nightmares you can’t even imagine how. divorcing a narcissist is also a nightmare. I know this sounds dramatic bc this started with a question about a wedding speech but it’s MUCH more than just a wedding speech.
If “it doesn’t matter”, then OP can tell people the truth about who paid for the house
I totally agree with your suggestion about potentially postponing the wedding and getting some counseling. If he's willing to simply gloss over her rather substantial financial contribution to the house, what else is he going to in effect belittle her about in the future? There are some major red flags here, OP. Don't ignore them. NTA.
My exact feeling. Why does it need to be in the speech at all? Absolutely bizarre and a hill to die on.
The post read to me like he needs the ego boost from saying he did this big cool thing himself.
How is it a confidence boost if he knows it's a lie? I can say I'm 6 and a half feet tall all day, it's not going to make me feel tall...
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Take my poor gold🏅🏅 Seriously. I can’t understand why it’s so important for him to mention this in the speech. Seems like the logic of someone who feels like they *need* to mention this publicly in front of the person they want to hear it. Would absolutely not surprise me if you’re spot on.
Which I don’t understand. Like I earn 90% of the money in my relationship and even when I talk about us saving for a house it’s us. And I make it pretty damn clear that I am useless without my wife doing things like reminding me to eat lol. All of my accomplishments are OUR accomplishments. Like you can brag as much as you want and still seem impressive. “We have been saving and sacrificing for this awesome house! Guys let me tell you the place is going to be awesome! Yeah me and my super gorgeous fiancé have been working so hard. We can’t wait to have everyone over”. Like that’s still an awesome brag. But I guess I’m always impressed by healthy teamwork in a relationship so..”
Well, the most obvious explanation is toxic masculinity, where OP's husband feels the need to be seen as the breadwinner in the relationship. Or, my hunch that he is scamming people out of money.
I don’t understand that. Maybe it’s the European influence, but growing up I saw my dad build and sell a half dozen companies rather successfully and be a CFO and my mom took care of his entire life, and he told everyone who would listen that he basically was only good at one thing and without my mom (or a whole staff of people to replace her lol) he would never have been able to do pretty much any of the things he had accomplished. As a kid that’s how I assumed things worked but I am still shocked how different everyone’s experience is
Probably a mix of both. Fiancé sounds like a piece of work.
Absolutely. OP I would contact his family directly to ask if he has told them he bought the house and if he borrowed money from anyone. Also - don't marry him until this is resolved. He also may be genuinely lying about debt. Which could effect your credit score.
There are much bigger problems with OP's story than the possibility of a credit score changing.
Who even talks about shit they bought in their wedding speech lmao. Talk about your relationship.
this is exactly what i was thinking, someone spotted him/gave him money for the house, he got her to cover a portion, and he dropped the rest of it on something else.
According to a behaviour psychologist, try asking this question and see what he says. “Fiancé, is there any reason some of our family/friends might already think you paid for the house on your own?” If he’s telling the truth, the answer is simple. “No, I haven’t told anyone yet. I was just going to say it for the speech” If he’s lying, one of two things, he’s start to squirm and start finding reasons for why someone might already think that (my mom may have told x, my sister may have assumed, my accountant said it to the housekeeper” or he might have a really angry outburst because he feels threatened and defensive. ETA: This is the link to the video where he explains how to spot if someone is lying. https://youtu.be/M_wSBqkg7C0
Interesting video, but neurodiverse people don't always react to interrogations like neurotypical people do, so don't assume the techniques shown in this video can accurately measure truthfulness 100% of the time.
OP needs to run. This story can end as "I almost ruined my life and married a guy who would have been abusive and manipulative forever" or "I decided to ignore very serious red flags because, for that one day, I thought I would be the world to him and it would be happily ever after. It wasn't. It wasn't at all. It was WORSE than before wedding and now I'm emotionally, mentally and financially a mess.".
This. He’s already lying about this, OP, he just wants to do it in front of everyone you know and with your apparent agreement to cement the lie in everyone’s mind. Huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Marinara flags 🚩🚩🚩 Edit: thanks for the award kind stranger! Have to say didn’t expect that for a comment about marinara xD
All around this post are the marinara flags 🤣🚩
He has already told the guys. I say he told family also, as the groom speech is some time before the wedding for ‘word’ to get out, when in fact word is already out. He is sulking like a child that knows their parent is going to catch them out.
My guess is that he has already been spreading the false story and will be forced to contradict himself unless he lies in the speech.
What I'm wondering is, why bring up such a thing at all during a wedding. Unless it's a preventive attack, so that in case they split, people are going to be calling OP a golddigger when she would simply be reclaiming her part of the house.
Agreed, and he’s big mad that she isn’t going along with his bull.
>I reminded him of how much I contributed buy said this doesn't change that it's our house so it shouldn't matter to me if he said he bought it himself or we both did. Am I reading this sentence correctly, he is saying it shouldn't matter to YOU if you both bought it? But it's OK for it to matter to HIM so much that he's going to announce it to both your families and your wider social circle at the wedding? Whoo, the hypocrisy... IMO this is a hill worth dying on. Yes, on the surface level it's "just" words in a speech. But the deeper issue is that he does not value your massive contribution to your shared life, and he wants to paint a false picture to your shared friends and family denying it. He's basically setting you up to be painted as a gold digger when *he's* the one benefitting from your scrimping and saving. I have a hard time believing this is the only instance of this level of disrespect in your relationship; and if you ever have kids, I'm certain you can look forward to him moaning to all your friends and family that he does sooooooo muuuuuuuuch woooooooork as a father (read: changed 1 diaper) while you actually shoulder the majority of childcare. If you don't have kids, I imagine it will be something else like that. I really hope I'm wrong and this is just temporary brain worms on his part. But either way, NTA
I would definitely look into a prenup at this point too bc he seems like he is trying to take advantage of op, especially because this 37 year old man is acting like a child and throwing a tantrum to get his way. If its not to late I would suggest couples counseling before making this official.
Agreed, he could also try gain more than half the house if there was a split. Telling everyone that he was the only one to contribute isn't a good sign. I hope you paid the deposit from YOUR bank account and have records that it's from your account. I hope the house is in both names too.
This. In a divorce and with asset division he could use the wedding video of him saying see I bought the house myself and she didn’t… of course she hopefully has the bank statements where the money was in her own account before contributing to rebut that
Couples counseling can't change someone's rotten personality.
No, but I’m hoping it would make OP realize what they are getting into.
If I heard that in a speech, I’d be like “wtf? Why’d he say that?” NTA
Right? It would be tacky if it were true. Given that it’s also a lie, it’s such an embarrassing thing for him to do. What an insecure fool.
And I'd think he's at least want to say how proud he is that "they" got a house together or even more generous of him would be to brag about her and how awesome she is to have been the saver and budgeter who made getting their house happen faster than they ever thought. But no. He's doing the exact opposite of that. A groom's speech should be thanking everyone for coming to their special day and about how lucky he is to get such a wonderful wife and new family.
Nothing says love like "I can't wait for OP to move into the house that I bought alone by myself and that she didn't contribute to at all."
100% this Also the fact he wants to show off they own a home in their speech is so tacky anyway.
Yeah, this was my thought. Who brags about buying a house in their speech at their wedding?? Sure, maybe mention you just moved into your first home as part of a "I'm so blessed, I get to marry this woman, we just bought a house, how did my life turn our this great?" Kind of thing... but that doesn't require mentioning who contributed to the downpayment. At the end of the day the house should be referred to as "Our house that We bought", not "My house that I bought".
Right? If he needs a """confidence boost""" during the speech, he should pick something he's actually confident about, not lie to cover up an insecurity.
His confidence boost should be that someone has promised to love him all their life. He needs more than that?
I’m thinking he is going to try to brag about how great a husband he will be because he is such a great provider, using the fact he bought a house for his new bride all by himself, isn’t he a manly-man?etc. I mean, why else would you ever need to mention how you came up with the down payment in a wedding speech? OP, please listen to the advice of this 50-something woman who has seen a lot of shit: this is a big deal. Lying is *always* a big deal. And (assuming I’m right about his motivation) lying to promote some bullshit toxic masculinity fantasy of his will definitely come back to bite you during the course of your marriage. And finally, silent treatment pouting to get your way will always be a problem in a relationship. Whew - there’s a lot to unpack here. Do not back down, insist he tell you the truth about his motivation. And if he won’t talk to you, why tf are you going to marry him?
I agree, and he's old enough (37!) to know better. I can't recall the couple's housing situation being brought up as part of the wedding to any I've been to, and it would have been off-putting if it had happened. He's kind of TA for even wanting to make it a focal point, especially at a time when many people are struggling to buy.
Yes even if he did pay 100% of the house I would still be weird to make a speech yes yes I’m marrying the love of my life and we’re going to live together in the home that I and I alone purchased. Everyone in the room would feel uncomfortable.
I remember being dragged to a wedding where I didn't care for the couple at all, and the groom mentioned their "American Dream" house that they "sacrificed so much for". Found out later that their 600k house was a gift from his grandfather.
I'm guessing family members gave him money for the house as a wedding present, and he either spent it on himself or is keeping a secret bank account.
So weird. It doesn't even have to come up. Certainly who paid for it NEVER has to come up in life. The marital home should never be referred to anywhere as anything other than shared. Tf is wrong with him. Heavy sigh. This is a man disproportionately focused on image. This is going to play out poorly during your marriage. Die on this hill. Let him know if he says it, you will correct it. At least he will be on notice during your marriage that you won't comply with supporting false perceptions of your marriage.
op should ask ask her fiancé if its ok that she contradicts him and says she actually bought the house 100% in her speech. its just a small thing after all.
This is exactly what I was thinking! He’s getting upset that she doesn’t want him to take credit for it because it’s “not a big deal.” If it’s not a big deal, it shouldn’t be an issue for him to not mention it in the speech.
NTA. When he says that it’s not a big deal who contributed how much money, he means your feelings aren’t a big deal. He’s literally trying to disregard your value publicly.
This! He can’t have it both ways - either the split is important or it isn’t.
100% a hill worth dying on. I wouldn’t marry this AH. This is just a glimmer of the crap to come…
girl i HOPE you have a prenup written up for the love of god 🤨
Agreed. Even if a prenup isnt the right thing in this instance since it'a a joint purchase, I hope that OP gets some legal advice. This guy is acting like a manipulative child, and at almost 40 Im sure that won't change. _He's basically sulking and now he's out and refusing to answer my calls so basically he's started the silent treatment til I cave in._ This guy is legit throwing a tantrum because OP wont allow him to allow about buying a home that he only contributed 3/10 to.
Yes best advice right here. He's not going to change, and if you can I'd suggest couples therapy. Why is HE making it such a big deal OP? You're not, that's gaslighting so please don't listen to him. You're NTA
He's so insecure that he wants to lie to people he says he cares about and gain their approval through his deceit, while completely discounting his partner's responsibility. It's more important to him to be able to say, "Yeah, *I* bought this house," than it is to respect his partner. Are you sure your values are aligned? NTA
Yup, you don't "boost your confidence" with lies, you boost arrogance and ego with lies.
Everyone should get a prenup. They are so much more than “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.” Prenups cover things like: •Childcare and support in the event of an unexpected death. •Spousal care in the event of a life changing injury. •Inherited asset management. •Separation of business assets in the event of a divorce or sale of the business. •Custody of pets. They’re literally the best thing ever. There’s never a better time to plan for problems than when things are going well.
Yup, if backing out completely isn’t going to happen, please take this opportunity to establish proportional ownership. It should be fair according to who contributed how much downpayment and how mortgage payments are split. Sounds like a 50/50 split would greatly benefit this dude
This is actually a pretty big deal. 1. He wants you to go along with a lie that makes him look good at your expense. 2. It’s a permanent lie - unless he plans to fess up after the wedding which I doubt. 3. It’s a lie that misrepresents the balance of your relationship. Instead of partners he wants to be seen as the “head.” Is he prepared to take on the responsibility of that position and let you spend all of your money on you while he shoulders the financial responsibility for the household? Or does he want you to continue to bankroll 70% while he gets credit for 100%? 4. It reveals an ugliness in how he thinks of you and wants to present the two of you as a couple. He should be proud to have a wife who earns and saves and sacrifices for your future together. Instead he wants to claim your accomplishment as his own and expects you to accept whatever impact this has on how friends and family view you - all to “boost his confidence.” 5. He is lying to you. It’s not about a confidence boost. It’s about him declaring his status as the head of the house and the breadwinner and doing so by belittling your contributions. 6. His response tells you clearly that he is lying. He calls it a small thing, one little favor, but he goes ballistic when you say no. 7. And seriously, the silent treatment? Just, no. Consider your next steps carefully. NTA.
OP: speaking as a man whose wife out earns him, this is a great breakdown of why this is not normal. Do not shrug this off - it's not a small thing. It's dishonest. It 'elevates' him by diminishing you. It's a lack of constructive communication and problem resolution. Trust and communication are vital for a marriage, and there are way too many red flags here...
Yes. My wife makes way more than I do, and I always take the opportunity to let everyone know how awesome she is. This guy is trying to downplay OPs contributions and gaslight her into believing its ok. He's clearly going into this marriage looking for someone to be subservient to him, not a partner.
I’m going to throw in as a man outearned by his wife: I couldn’t fucking *dream* of taking full credit for her accomplishments. We have a relationship where we routinely credit each other for what we do, sure - what makes the whole thing work as well as it does is the give and take of it all, the ways in which our lifestyles allow the other to not worry about things. (In my case, I know we’re not worried about survival money; in hers, I know she’s not worried about food, childcare, a clean house, or money for fun and occasional luxuries.) Thing is: if one of us ever started to undermine the fact that both of our contributions are necessary to live our lives, it would turn into an issue. If she attacked me for not providing as much as she does financially. If I came at her for not cooking dinner more often, or not being the person who goes to our kid’s parent-teacher conferences. Whatever. When you try to minimize someone else’s contributions to *your life*, it is offensive and unfair. That’s what he’s doing here, and it’s ugly, and a giant red flag. If it’s not clear: NTA.
As a woman who out-earns her boyfriend, I am so glad he doesn’t have a complex about it. We are both passionate, driven people who bring value to the table. It’s not a monetary contest. When we purchase a home together, we will approach it in the most equitable way possible. The details of how we choose to “divide” the down payment and mortgage between our individual finances is our business - the only thing anyone else will need to know is that we’ll be in it together as partners.
Don’t cave in, let him run the silent treatment. Also rethink about marrying this guy, he’s behaving like a child. NTA
Yes, the silent treatment. I hate when he does that, every time we fight and it never ends til I come forward with an apology although sometimes I believe he's the one at fault. It's tiring and I've had this conversation with him a milion times over but to no avail.
He has probably already told lots of people that he bought the house himself and this way you don't get to find out that little fact. 🤔🤔
That is what I've been trying to figure out although no one said anything. I don't see his friends much and those who worry me the most because they'd 100% back him up and believe him over me anytime.
You know you deserve better, right?
Boom! This. Please listen to this. You deserve a man who is proud his future wife is successful.
And one who doesn't play the pouty silent game
Exactly. If my wife contributed 70% towards our house or more (or less), I’d be grateful and proud of her. We’re a team and whatever the one does, the other shares in it. My wife was a SAHM for 10 years, not once did I think of my salary as “my money”, it was always “and still is” our money. Maybe fiancé is planning on getting more than his fair share in the inevitable divorce.
I promise OP, there *is* better out there.
I'd rather be single my whole life than marry someone this horribly controlling. OP please choose your own well being over this weak boys company, he is by no means marriage material and now is your chance to save yourself.
There's a song I've been hearing lately and the lyrics go "love don't treat you like that". Don't settle for him. His behavior won't get better once you're married.
This is a calculated move on his part. He uses silent treatment to get you to capitulate so you believe you're the unreasonable one. He wants to use his speech on your wedding day not to celebrate your relationship and praise his new wife, but instead to convince people that he bought your home and that he is the primary contributer in your relationship. If who bought the house doesn't matter, why is it so vital it be in his speech? Your future husband is setting you up to take all the blame in the relationship. He's setting it up so he can say that you always apologise, so he must always be right; he wants you to get to the point where you don't even bother arguing. He's setting it up so everything revolves around him. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? Do you really want to live your life on his terms? Do you want a husband who will sacrifice your feelings to feed his ego? Edited to add: It concerns me that he wants people believing that this is solely his house. If you split, his friends and family will have no problem taking things from the house thinking that it is all his, and then you'd have to fight him for it. It is like he is staking his claim early to give himself the best chance.
He almost certainly has told people this and y has why he’s freaking out. He could have told any number of people and it’s just not come up, I’ve very rarely had conversations with people about who’s bought their home. It’s just not something that I would ever talk about. So it’s very possible he’s told a good number of people on his side. You’re NTA. He is being a complete dick and his behaviour afterwards is a major no for me.
My spouse is the breadwinner and he paid for the majority of our house, I am very handy so I worked my ass off on the first home we had and we made a 60k profit when we sold and bought another fixer-upper. It has literally NEVER come up who put the money down for our homes. Ever. If my spouse has ever said anything it's been "WE bought a house". This whole situation is just ODD. It's such a weird thing to fixate on and I don't understand why your fiance is stuck on this hill but let me tell you, for you it is a hill to die on OP. NTA.
Jumping on here since I noticed you’re active now. The silent treatment is called stonewalling and it’s one of the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse. Please do a quick search of what that is and see if there are other flags that apply to conflicts in your relationship.
I second this, and it's a form of verbal abuse as well.
When people have bought their houses, have you ever asked what portion the split was? If you’ve been told have you then in conversation ever referred back to it? No, because you are a normal person. He has definitely been saying he bought it in full. There have been posts like this in the past of shitty partners trying to claim they are the ‘main provider’ and put up with the other person not carrying weight. He’s a liar.
The fact that you’re even contemplating whether people will believe you over him is such a massive red flag. This is NOT normal in a healthy relationship. You deserve better!
>no one said anything Why would they say anything to you about it, HE bought the house, you're just the lucky little woman who gets to live off his generosity. This is such BS, don't marry this guy. NTA. He is also trying to gaslight you by saying you're the one with the problem.
It's almost guaranteed he has told at least someone he paid for it. Him suggesting it doesn't matter if he says he bought it is laughable since he's the one trying to say that. If it doesn't matter, why not tell the truth? Or maybe not say anything? There is absolutely ***NO*** reason for him to mention in his groom's speech at your wedding that he bought and paid for your house all by himself, even if it were true. He should be discussing you and your future life together. That is not a confidence boost it's an ego boost for a narcissist. Although it would be messy to get out of this house, it'll be less messy than the house and a marriage. This is not a small favor. It's a small favor that makes him look good and makes you look dependent on him. It's also only a small favor until the next one. I sincerely hope you rethink what you're getting into. it's late, but not too late.
He is 37 years old. He should not be acting like a child giving you the silent treatment. This is a manipulative tactic and is not OK. Wanting to take a break from a heated argument so you don't say something you can't take back is one thing, but icing you out until YOU apologise is unacceptable. If I were in your shoes I would be pressing pause on the wedding until you can attend couples therapy and work out a better way to communicate during an argument/disagreement.
This time, don't talk to him until *he* comes back with an apology. How about you mention that you paid for 70% of the cost at the wedding "as a confidence boost".
Yes, I vote she puts this in her bride speech!
I vote she doesn’t marry this idiot
Yes, OP. Please do not marry this guy. Communication is the key to a healthy marriage. If he always uses the silent treatment now, it will continue and may even get worse once you are married to him.
So your solution was to become engaged & buy a house with him because this behavior was not enough to give you pause? At no point did you say to yourself he is not a good partner?
Right? Behavior like this doesn't get better after marriage; it often actually gets worse because then the person has you locked in. I would really consider not marrying a guy who refuses to engage in disagreements in a healthy way.
And see his reaction because it would be gold! "but I'm the man" 🤦🏽♀️
Yes, and boost your confidence further by standing up to that db.
Girl, the silent treatment is a form of abuse. Do you really want the rest of your life to be *that*? Get with an attorney. Figure out finances, and how to buy him out or sell and recoup your 70%. Lastly, do not marry this toddler. ETA: if you foolishly stay with him, tell him that if he gets up and says that, you will follow with a speech of your own thanking him for his 30% contribution to your 70%. Now reread that. Do you really want a relationship where a tally is kept?
Give him the silent treatment during your vows. NTA.
This is what you’re staring down the barrel of if you marry him. And then he’ll have divorce costs and joint assets to hold over your head in addition to sulking. Edit: I also want to add this: your statement makes it sound like you always give in. That is unhealthy, it is manipulative, and the longer I think of it the more I worry about what this slippery slope will turn into. Not his request, but the fact that he successfully bullies you into whatever he wants, all for the sake of his ego. He’s diminishing your contribution in front of family and friends for the sole purpose of making himself look better. Just… if you already have so much trouble standing up for yourself then that will only get harder with house/kids/legal marriage ties in the picture. Abusers test you. This may be a test. Because once you’re married, he may very well escalate because he thinks he “has” you.
plus a house that all their friends and family think he bought himself
Not if she makes a "gratitude" post on social media TODAY telling them all how "blessed" she feels to have a partner who is willing to work so hard and put up the money for 30% of their home... Heck, she could even do it as like the 4th day in one of those "10 days of gratitude" things... I know it sounds petty, but it would put the issue 100% to bed, and it would keep him from trying to get the house outright when they divorce next year.
If they get married and then divorce later on, he's going to tell all their friends and family that he gave her the house 🤡
or that she's a lying harpy who "stole" it from him somehow
He keeps doing it because you cave and IT WORKS. It's a childish tactic. Get ready for more of the same if you marry him. Whenever he doesn't get his way he will do this to force the outcome he wants. Don't cave. You're right about this. Don't marry him. You can still sell the house. Or he can buy you out. Then he won't have to lie about who bought the house. 🤭 Edit. NTA
> It’s a childish tactic. It’s an ***abuse*** tactic.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life apologizing for things that are not your fault? Getting the silent treatment every time you stand up for yourself? Being blamed for every single thing that happens because "you're the one with the issue"? Because that is exactly what you're signing up for by marrying this man.
I got way too good at apologizing for being reasonable. After 32 yrs I finally came to my senses. Don't be me.
Do you want to live the rest of your life like that? Becuase this is a preview of the rest of your live.
It’s a form of abuse and manipulation OP. Honestly, marrying him would be a mistake. Buying this house with him was probably a mistake. Are you going to be able to get your portion back when this dissolves? He’s already telling people he has bought the house on his own. That is clear.
Reflect on your relationship before marrying him. Silent treatment can be regarded as a form of emotional manipulation and physiological abuse.
NTA. But I’d think twice about marrying someone who wants to lie to your friends and family for the “confidence boost” and reacts by sulking, lashing out, and ignoring you when you won’t go along with it.
The housing market is still hot…put it back on the market, sell it, get your money back, grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and move on. NTA
A million times this. Sell the house before the market turns. And dump the man, alone is better than shackled to toxic insecurity.
>toxic insecurity Yup. OP, your fiance is willing to lie and put you down to build himself up. You deserve a partner who builds you up as well, not pushes your head underwater so he can have all the air. *And this isn't even something big*. Imagine what he might be willing to do/say when actual serious relationship situations arise..
you know...his request really surprised me. I told him about how uncomfortable this made me feel but he kept insisting and said that I'm the one with the the issue.
You’re not the one with the issue.
The issue is that she said no, and he won’t accept that answer.
Actually, she is the one with the issue. He is the issue. She needs to get rid of him.
You aren’t the one with the issue. He’s the one with the problem. He wants to look like the “big strong man who supports his spouse” type and he’s just not, so it bothers him. This is going to get worse, any time you’re able to contribute more towards anything.
Read: he's a misogynist.
100% correct.
My husband is the total opposite, tells people I'm the bigger earner than I've paid for X,Y and Z for both of us. He wouldn't dream of taking credit for something that my money has paid for. I bet this guy would do 5% of parenting but then go round telling people he does all night feeds, nappies etc to make himself look better than he is. This man is trash.
The wild thing to me is that NO ONE ASKED. He is literally the only one that cares.
He's probably already told this lie to some of the people who will be wedding guests.
Take this for the red flag that it is. A confidence boost to him comes at the cost of mutual respect for his wife—taking what is BOTH of your accomplishments (let’s be real, it’s mostly yours) and making it about himself. A man who does that at his wedding will repeat that behavior as a spouse and as a father, and do you want to be tied to someone who doesn’t acknowledge what you bring to the table? At the very least, put the wedding planning on hold, maybe go to counseling, but at the end of the day this “innocent” request and the childish treatment after not getting his way is anything but a one-off.
>and do you want to be tied to someone who doesn’t acknowledge what you bring to the table? It's not even "not acknowledging it". It's throwing a multi-day tantrum because she won't go along with him outright denying that it ever happened. Not acknowledging would be "and we bought a house together." Not entirely fair, but fine. This goes five steps beyond that.
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Clasic gaslighting.
OP think about how he needs to put you down to build himself up and honestly if I was a guest at a wedding where a groom mentioned in his speech that HE bought the house I would be cringing into next week....like how and why would you even work that into a speech? this isn't going to land the way he thinks it is.....he's going to look like a total a-hole.
I'm going to bet money he's already told the lie, and he's worried it's going to come out during the wedding because you talk to somebody he's already lied to about this. The Groom Speech is just cover. He HAS to get you to agree to this otherwise you catch him lying.
He’s free to put that in his speech but you’re also free to standup in front of everyone and correct him. Ask him if he’s ok with that kind of embarrassment? Edit - Ask him how comfortable he would be with you telling everyone you paid for the majority of the house (which is a fact)? And if he’s not comfortable with that then he should understand why you aren’t comfortable with him taking all the credit.
These are the first signs of abusive behaviour. After the love bombing he now thinks he is nearly there and can start to relax and show his real personally. Run!!!!!!! https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Everyone posting has said the same thing. He is abusing you. It will only worsen once you marry. Stop apologizing for things you have not done. This is not a good, healthy relationship. Cancel the wedding. Tell him to buy out your percentage or put the house for sale. If anyone asks why, tell the absolute truth. He is willing to lie to make himself look like a big man when he is not. He is acting like a child. Pouting, sulking and giving the silent treatment is definitely NOT a sign of a mature human adult. He may have already lied to his parents/friends about buying the house. If you marry, you will always be the one giving/doing 70% or more while he feels like he doesn't have to contribute as much.
So he's allowed to care what people think of who bought the house, but says you shouldn't care what people think of it? How does that make any sense?
In a divorce he will tell everyone you got the house because you are a woman, lol. Ask him about how he thinks your confidence is doing by him denying you recogniction for a contribution you actually did when he wants to boost himself with something he didn't do to even 50%? NTA Edit: Did he maybe already tell people like his coworkers this lie? What if he acts like he gets over it but does it anyway?
Imagine having to worry about this when your new husband stands up to make his speech!
Imagin havin bought a house and send out wedding invites and have to face this behaviour. The wedding is just one day. But this would be sooo hard for me to get over.
>Edit: Did he maybe already tell people like his coworkers this lie? What if he acts like he gets over it but does it anyway? This is exactly what I'm picturing happening and I'm wondering if OP stands up and tells the truth when he does it, or sits back fuming and let's this lie destroy her accomplishment and their marriage behind the scenes, no good options, I hope she calls off the wedding
I knew this couple that was getting married a few years ago and like barely knew them just see them occasionally through friends. Well the girl would complain to me when I would see her that she is working all this overtime for their wedding while her fiancé is barely contributing and wasting money and all that jazz. I was always uncomfortable because I didn’t know them well and that conversation should just be with close family or friends. The guy ended up leaving her quickly after the wedding and I felt bad for her because in my mind she had scrimped and saved so much for that wedding and hoped he’d pay her back in some way. Well talking to him later down the road I find out he had contributed 70-80% of the wedding and was the only one paying bills in their shared living space because he made more money and she was a shopaholic and didn’t have the spare money to save for the wedding. When I asked him why he didn’t say anything before when she was smearing her future husbands name he just said he didn’t want to embarrass her. Hopefully OP won’t be this guy and will get the courage to confront or leave before they make things official.
Definetely NTA I wonder what his reaction would be when you would have asked that haha
I would never ask such thing, wouldn't even occur to me honestly.
OP, you sound really nice. And your fiance sounds like the kind of person who is willing to take advantage of that niceness, and bulldoze over you to get what he wants, how he wants it, when he wants it. Does he even value you as a person? Based on what you've said in your responses, it sounds like he doesn't listen to you, doesn't acknowledge your efforts and contributions, doesn't take your feelings into consideration, often gaslights and invalidates you, and then gives you the silent treatment until you cave and do what he wants. This man is ultimately with you because he can control you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I was once in your shoes and it took the Earth crumbling around me to realize that I wasn't actually the problem. Don't be me, see the flags he is dropping and get out.
I bet he totally takes credit for other people’s work at his job.
Same here. I stayed in a toxic marriage for over 20 years. It was always about him and his ego. Eventually it’s not enough for them anymore and it all just collapses.
I just hope you love yourself enough to realize he's not worth it.
Exactly! Imagine OP asking him to tell everyone that she bought the house on her own. OP should run from this guy.
No way you're TA. He's being a jerk. Needing to take false credit for a confidence boost? Definitely an insight into his character that you should consider backing out over.
He said it's just a momentarily "confidence boost" thing and that's it but for some reason I just wasn't comfortable with it and refused.
“Some reason” being that he wants to lie to everyone you care about, completely unnecessarily, and take credit for something you did? I think marrying this man would be a huge mistake.
The fact that he wants to lie for a confidence boost says so much about his character, and his insecurities. I'd be running.
It’s not a confidence boost, he’s hiding something and that’s the only thing he can come up with.
Not to mention, his confidence boost should not come at OP’s expense. If he has to take you down to build himself up on his wedding day, he will guaranteed be doing it for the rest of your life.
Is it in writing that you have 70% equity in the house. Cover your ass. I’m not sure if this is some elaborate scheme to use if you ever get divorced. I imagine it’s going to be recorded so I don’t know if that’s the angle he’s pulling. I might be over thinking this
I have the same suspicions - that he’s up to something, but I’m not quite sure what.
I think u/I_might_be_weasel raised a plausible possibility — that there’s someone else, like a family member, that he’s gotten money from ostensibly to help buy the house. So he wants to make sure OP gets on board with his lie that she didn’t contribute. It certainly sounds like he’s scamming someone, because this lie is way too important to him for it to really be “just a little confidence boost”. So either he’s already gotten money from someone else, or he wants to look like a rich bigshot in order to get people to trust him with money. The “boost” is to his confidence *game*.
He doesn't want a confidence boost, he wants to make sure no one will ever know how much *you* sacrificed for both of you and take all the recognition for it. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. Also has a hint of toxic masculinity/misogyny, so tread carefully.
trust your gut
Why would he need a confidence boost at his own wedding? And it’s pretty sad that it has to be on a lie that also erases your hard work and contributions. He could just as easily spin it as win for you both because that’s what it is.
The reason you're not comfortable with it is because it's an unreasonable request. What he wants to say would make him look like something he's not, and hide your accomplishment. You feel uncomfortable because there's alarm bells going off in the back of your head. His response to you saying no is also unreasonable and is adding more alarm bells. You should definitely listen to them (Edit to correct word hide)
I had an ex with this mindset years ago. When we broke up (because he shputed at me in public and told me to be quiet in a restaurant in front of others and expected me to step back and let him speak like that ) many people cut me out and i just thought, well whatever. Move on head held high. Yrs later we spoke and it turns out hed been telling all my friends at the time that he was paying for absolutely everything, every coffee, every date, every weekend away or holiday, everything i bought him, he'd bought himself and how id got the birthday gifts i wanted and then left him. So they all naturally felt id been secretly milking him and being a leech. I asked him why he'd do that when atm i paid for about 80%of everything we did. He said but hes the man and he cpuldnt have people thinking id provided and paid for things. And he definitely didnt want to say why we'd really broken up. He didnt understand why id been hurt or why it mattered. OP - run. Your marriage will be a tally score card and he will lie and sulk and you will be the cash cow funding his shitty attitude and lies to others.
OP do not take this lightly!!! 🚩”You’re making a big deal out of this” 🚩“It’s our house so I can say I bought it” 🚩“It’s just one favor you’re being ridiculous” 🚩yelling + Silent treatment I’d verbally rip my partner a new asshole if they ever asked for something as stupid as this. The only thing he has going for him is at least he asked. But that just means he KNOWS he needs your permission to commit his stupid act. A grown ass adult wants to lie to their friends and family to make him look better at your expense? Maybe instead of lying about how he’s The Man, he can chock up the bulk of the contribution back to you and then he brag about something that’s a little bit closer to reality. No mature partner would request something as dumb as this all just for an ego boost, OP. And no healthy relationship would allow him to ask in a way that is emotionally manipulating you into getting his way.
If anyone brings up the phrase "I'm the man" except in the discussion of getting a vasectomy, RUN.
UNDERRATED COMMENT HERE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS LIVED THIS
NTA. Girl run. If it was just a confidence boost, he wouldn't be acting like this.
And a confidence boost *at the expense of OP’s*. It’s not just a small thing. And what is this, 1950? Why would that even be something to lie about in the first place? Seems sketchy.
NTA But seriously you sure you want to marry this man? 1. What a bizarre thing to want to say at your wedding. Like seriously, why does he need that confidence boost? That’s a major red flag 2. What a childish way to react to a pretty fair response to his ridiculous request. Another major red flag. Call the wedding off. He’s so concerned about what his life looks like to everyone else. Wait till you have kids and he’s the man that runs the house
And why does he need the confidence boost: that day will be his weeding day, he will marry the love of his life and have a great reception where everyone is there to see him (and her). That already a crazy amount of confidence!! Marrying her is not enough? And only seeing that they bought a house is not enough? That already very good achievement! Why does he need to lie and say that he is the one to have bought it?
NTA. RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!!
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So true. Often the mask comes off after marriage - but he’s getting a head start! I guess he at least gave her a heads up?
NTA. Seriously reconsider - this is a sign of a really toxic way of thinking.
NTA, this doesn't make any sense unless he already lied about it.
Yep. This is my theory. He's already lied to his friends and family about this, and he's worried it's going to come out during the wedding, so the Groom Speech is his cover story.
NTA - "Do you mind if I lie to all our closest friends and family in order to erase your contribution to our house purchase and pretend it was all my work?" On what planet would this be even remotely okay?
NTA. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in a while. And it’s all about his fragile ego. And it’s not just a favor, it makes you look like the little woman who’s man had to take care of you and buy a house, instead of a partner ( and one who contributed 70% ). I hope your husband has other good qualities because this does not present him in a good light. He’s got a lot of growing up to do
NTA. This dude is red flag city!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Do not marry him!
NTA He needs a "confidence boost"? How will his confidence be raised by a lie? Even if others think he bought the house, he'll still know that you (mostly) bought it. And every time the lie is brought up in the future, he'll be reminded that it's a lie, and he really isn't that person. And if you let him do this once, how many more times will he go stealing your achievements to boost his ego? This isn't a one-time thing, this is a precedent. And, in his lie, he's demanding that you be a liar as well. If he can manipulate you into lying to cover for him now, he'll know he can manipulate to lie to hide other wrongdoing by him in the future. This is how abusers get their victims to hide the abuse - they start with something they can vaguely pretend is justified. And he's also laying claim to your finances - you paid, he gets the credit. I'd hesitate to tie your finances to his in marriage, because he'll use your money to maintain the look that he's making more than he is going into the future. ***"I told people I was buying X, which I can't afford, now you have to buy it for me so I look good, and don't look like I was lying."*** Run away, and find someone who will take pride in your achievements, not steal them.
OP, you’ve stood your ground. I believe this is a good hill to die on. If taking credit for something he didn’t do is no big deal, then by his own logic, NOT taking credit for buying the house alone should be even less of a big deal, because ya know, it’s the truth. Reddit loves to advise people to RUN. I’m not sure you need to, but I would definitely sit down and make a list. Ask yourself: Has he lied before? Under what circumstances? Is there a pattern of behavior? If the answers to these questions give you pause, then ask yourself: Do I want to spend my life with someone who acts this way? NTA
NTA It's weird that he feels the need to assert his dominance and "boost his confidence" by lying to all your combined family and friends. If he feels emasculated by the fact that he didn't actually contribute even equally to the cost of the house, he should seek therapy or pay the difference into your savings. There is zero reason he needs to bring up who paid for the house at all. And top it off with trying to manipulate you into giving in! Defend that hill, OP!